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Baby Blues... my aching womb...

06-07-2004 - 09:43 PM

I'm sitting propped up with a heating pad on my back and one on my front, waiting for the pain medication to kick in... I missed my dose of motrin at 9pm and then it was time for a new percocet and I am in A-G-O-N-Y! I know it will be a matter of time... they will work... and I had been feeling so GOOD too. Foolishly good, like thinking maybe I don't need to be taking these pain meds anymore, ha!

Of course, I'm only three days post-op and I need to be a little easier on myself. In some ways I feel so much better than I have in months. My mood is DEFINITELY better. I think this is because I kept an ovary and am finally OFF all that horrid progesterone. I have read from so many Sisters who are in pain today and I ache for them all; I know how hard that is. This pain feels different to me. It doesn't feel like my old endo pain; it feels like surgery pain. Like I have been cut up and stitched together... And yet I am soooo fearful that the endo pain will still be there; that it is masked by the percocet or the surgery pain and that in a few months I will realize I'm right back where I started. I don't allow these fears to entertain me too much, but I need to acknowledge that they are there.

I feel sad when I look at the world around me. Young people my age getting married and pregnant. I feel like I have unwillingly been thrust into crone-hood before I had lived the requisite amount of years. I don't quite know any other way to put it. One moment I am okay with the absence of my womb. I certainly FEEL better physically, and that in itself is amazing. And I have been blessed-- truly, wonderfully blessed-- with my DS and my DD, babyE. I have a great husband (type A, workaholic, but great when he's here; and thoughtful when he's not). And we didn't plan to have any more children. Well, I would have liked to emotionally, but it wasn't in the financial or life plan. We have two, I've been offered the dream job with terrific hours that enable me to be practically a full-time mom, DH is 47, I'm 37, etc., etc.

There's just something about no longer being physically able to conceive that still makes me sad. Maybe it's because this is still new. Maybe it's because I have nothing to do but lie in this bed (or walk around it), and I have too much time to think. Maybe it's because the maternity ward reminded me of when babyE was born and it's unbelievable to think that 2 years ago that was me and now THIS is me. I have faith that this pain will indeed be over. If it is, I think that I will be able to deal with this baby thing more easily in the future.

Why is there some part of me that still feels my ABILITY to conceive makes me attractive to the opposite sex (or not attractive, as the case might be)? Why do I care? I have a DH who is my soulmate and I don't want another! A colleague of my husband's sent me a small flower arrangement in hospital. He is a nice man who is (not happily) single. DH and I have encouraged him and counseled him a time or two in the past, but we are not great friends, so it was an extra special surprise that he thought enough of me to send this arrangement. Am I a terrible person because it made my heart leap a little to think-- hey, here's a man besides my DH who likes me even without the uterus?

Forcing my thoughts to the more positive... I am so lucky to have babyE waiting at home for me to aid my recovery. I found myself yesterday fearing that she might die (I know this is not positive!)... is this normal??? She and DS are all I have and now all I ever WILL have and somehow that makes them not any less precious, but more rare. BabyE has accepted that I am home again now and she is not angry with me anymore. Tonight she curled up beside me and I nursed her to sleep and then DS crawled into bed to snuggle with us. These are the moments I choose to cherish, for these are the ones that are real.

~ Clementine

gemsab said at 06-08-2004 - 08:08 AM
s Clementine! Your feeling what all of us have felt. Give it time........you will be amazed how good you will feel. But I did say......give it time! Here's hoping you have a speedy recovery!

Clementine said at 06-08-2004 - 08:35 AM
Gemsab~ Thanks for the encouragement! Time is one thing I have a lot of these days ~ Clementine

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