Yesterday was my 4-week post-op appointment that was supposed to happen Monday but didn't happen because of a bad communication from the office staff and my near meltdown. This time I went to their other office, which was great because the staff is a lot nicer. I only waited a few minutes before they called me back to the exam room and I was out of there within thirty minutes. I will never schedule an appointment at that other office again!

The doctor came in with my pathology report in his hands and the first thing he said to me is a normal uterus weighs sixty grams. He told me to look at my report and tell him how much mine weighed. I almost fell off the table when I saw it weighed 410 grams. All I could say was "Oh my God!" I'm 115 pounds on a good day so it's just amazing to me that I was carrying all of that around in my body.

He asked me how I've been feeling and I explained that physically I'm feeling better but emotionally I'm a mess. He asked what I meant and I told him most days I feel crazy.
I wish I would have explained it better but that's the only word that would come to mind.
He said most people in my position feel crazy because of decreased activity and from not being around people. I took his word for it and left it at that. Then he did a vaginal exam, which I wasn't expecting. He did a lot of pressing on my abdomen, which was uncomfortable of course. From down there he said my incision looked good but didn't look at it up close. He finished up the exam and said I am doing "perfect." With the exception of no intercourse for two weeks he said I could do anything I like. I was shocked! I should have pressed him a little more on that one but decided I don't care what he says I'm not going to go all out until after six weeks which isn't for another week or so. I didn't say anything to him about going back to work, but the nurse told me if I need them to write a note they are happy to. But as it stands right now I will be going back to work when six weeks is up. I don't feel like I'm ready to but maybe things will be different when the time comes. The doctor doesn't want to see me for six months. Sigh...

Yesterday was my four-week post-op appointment. DH was gracious enough to drive me but I had to explain I didn't want him in the exam room this time. I think he was a little hurt. But I explained that last time he was with me I had a difficult time getting the doctor's attention. So we made it to the appointment with a few minutes to spare. I checked in but was not told the doctor was running behind. So we took some seats in the corner and proceeded to wait. The chairs were very uncomfortable so I secretly wished I'd be called back within a few minutes. After about thirty minutes of waiting I was not only physically uncomfortable but emotionally I felt like I was going to cry. Thirty more minutes passed so I went to the desk to check how much longer it would be. That's when they told me the doctor was running behind. Well, duh! And there was still a person ahead of me. I said forget it and asked to reschedule for later this week. So my new 4-week appointment is this Thursday. I was really upset at the way they handled things. They should have told me upfront the doctor was running behind and I wouldn't have sat there for an hour. Grrrr!

One of the things I need to talk to the doctor about is my feeling of depression and despair. My reaction at his office with wanting to cry is totally not like me.
Today I ventured out to Walmart all by myself for the first time since surgery. After two or three isles of walking I was exhausted. And at one point I nearly cried because I couldn't find the eggs. They had moved them away from the dairy area and over by the wine. Go figure! The only reason I didn't break down is I ran into a gentleman who was also looking for the eggs and couldn't find them. Thank God, 'cause I really thought I was losing it! So I want to ask the doctor if he thinks the depression will go away and if so how soon. I'm not one who likes to take medication so taking a depression pill is totally out of the question. Hopefully, he will suggest some natural remedies.

I bought Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds the other day at Kmart. Tried it for the first time this morning. While I'm sure I didn't burn more than fifty calories, it felt good to get my body moving. It's the most activity I've had in weeks. We started off with light walking then worked up to a faster pace. Then we jogged for two minutes, which I really couldn't do so I kept up the fast walk. I wasn't able to get my heart to its target rate, but I did sweat a tiny bit. When I finished I renamed the workout to Walk Away the Poo because I had to go really bad. But that's a good thing! The only problem I have with the workout is it was hard on my knees. They creaked and cracked the whole time. Maybe it will get better after a few more tries.

I called one of my girlfriends last night. We talked for well over an hour. I told her about the depression and she was very understanding. She didn't offer any advice or make any inappropriate comments and I was so relieved. She even invited me to a concert next Wednesday. I declined because I'm not quite ready for that yet. I told her how I missed the Rob Thomas concert 'cause at the last minute I simply didn't have the energy to go. She understood and said the only reason she invited me was to get me out of the house. I thanked her for the thoughtfulness and suggested we have lunch or dinner in a few weeks. I'm so glad I called her!

Thank God! I'm feeling better physically. I have more energy and I don't tire as easily. Even went to Kmart Saturday for about thirty minutes. That was all I could handle, but definitely a step up from days of being exhausted by taking a shower. My goal is to make it to Walmart, which I hope to do this week. The problem with that is Walmart is at least twenty minutes away. Since riding in a car is still uncomfortable at this point, I don't know if I can handle a thirty-minute ride combined with a long walk around a mega-store. But I'm so tired of shopping at the mom and pop store near my house. They just don't have the selection - and the prices are ridiculous!

I can't wait to have my freedom and independence back! While I feel okay physically, mentally I'm somewhat depressed. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with my hormones being out of whack. But part of me feels that if I can just get my life back I'd feel better. I haven't been able to shop, exercise, go to the movies or any of the things I'm used to doing. I've distanced myself from most of my family and friends because I'm tired of their unsolicited advice and inappropriate comments. I realize now though that I've isolated myself to a disadvantage. So I'll touch base with a few friends later on today and see how that goes. I'll start with the people least likely to honk me off ...

These last few days find me cranky and irritable. It could be hormones, but I've diagnosed it as lack of sleep. Unable to sleep on my stomach as I did prior to surgery, I've been sleeping on my back. Well, my back decided it's no longer comfortable so I try sleeping on my side. But if I stay in the side position too long I get sharp, pinching pains in my stomach. When I'm not tossing and turning in bed, I'm climbing in and out to go to the bathroom, which happens at least three times a night. Sigh... I hope it gets better soon before I snap!

I feel extremely frustrated with myself, too. Mad because I can't do simple tasks like vacuum and drive. I feel like a big lump of Goo because I haven't worked out in weeks. Although I'm doing short walks around the apartment, it's nothing compared to the forty-five minutes of cardio I was doing before surgery. And living in Indiana doesn't help my case. It's too cold and the ground is too icy for me to walk outside where I could walk fast and get my heart rate up. If I were able to I could drive to the mall and walk inside, but my body tells me I'm not ready to drive yet. It's very aggravating!

Sixteen days since surgery. Emotionally I feel good. My spirit is high and I'm focused on recovery. Physically I feel tired. It takes tremendous energy to shower and dress. I get a lot of rest and sometimes I tire from resting. My stomach is swollen and I appear at least three months pregnant most of the time. It aches from having my organs messed with and moved around. Sometimes, it aches from being upset, like when I eat too much fat or sugar. I feel pressure in my bladder when I pee and having a bowel movement takes time and effort. But I'm getting better everyday and I guess that's all I can ask for.

Yesterday I told DH I'm ready to drive but he didn't agree. Based on some of my symptoms he thinks it's way too soon. I explained how boring it can be here by myself all day. But he reminded me that boredom is better than sickness from venturing out too soon. Says he's more than happy to take me wherever I want to go when he gets off work. I tried!

So I'm trying to keep myself entertained the best I can. Of course I'm watching a lot of TV. There's a movie on right now with Lawrence Fishburne and Ethan Hawke that I've never seen before. They're barricaded in a police station and some cops from another precinct are outside trying to kill them. It's a good movie but a little much for the AM hours, so I changed to The People's Court. But it's one I've seen before so now I'm watching the cop movie again. It reminds me that Lawrence Fishburne was Larry Fishburne when he was in The Color Purple. I wonder why he changed his name?

When DH comes home for lunch I'm going to show him this journal entry as proof of how bored I am this morning. Who in their right mind journals about what they're watching on TV? I don't think it will help my case, but he should know.

So I decided against the concert. DUH! Knew that would happen. I just didn't see how it could work. Would have had to dress up, curl hair, makeup - way too much to think about at this point. Oh well!

But I DID venture out to lunch today. I warned DH we'd have to turn right around and come home if I felt bad. He was okay with that. We were there less than an hour so things worked out fine. I was tired when we got back and took a nap a few hours later. It's not something I could do everyday at this point but it was nice.

Disability called to say I'm certified through 1/2/06. If I need additional weeks my doc has to submit more documentation. Hopefully, I won't need the time but it comforts me to know that it's available. But c'mon girl, thinking about work right now is crazy!

I've spent a lot of time, energy and money planning for surgery and recovery. 'Cause that's what I do. I love planning stuff and having things to look forward to. And it's time I turn my attention to something else. Something a little more fun. Like trip number six to Disney World in '06. Planning our Disney trips is something I absolutely LOVE to do! The goal is to stay ten nights this time but I have to get DH to agree.
I'll keep working on him. He says it's going to cost way too much money to stay ten nights at Yacht Club Resort. True. But I reminded him that YC is less per night than Grand Floridian where we stayed in 2004. But then he reminded me that we only stayed seven nights at GF and two of those were free. True. I have to document this stuff so I can remember the angle I'm working. I'm so foggy brained and forgetful these days. I'll keep working on him...

I feel pretty good this morning. I have some pain from my incision and a little pressure down below, but I think it will go away soon. I've slept great the last two nights. Tuesday night I took one of DH's Valium he was prescribed for dental surgery. I know I'm not supposed to take medicine prescribed to someone else but I wanted to see if it would help. It didn't take away my anxiety or muscle spasms but it helped me fall right to sleep. I didn't take one last night though 'cause he only has two left and I don't want to get addicted. I'm thinking about calling the doc's office though to ask if they can prescribe me something like it.

I think DH is irritated with me. Yesterday, I asked him to take me to the store when he got off work. He offered to go by himself so I wouldn't have to go out. He came back with all the wrong stuff! I asked for Fuji apples but I could tell by the color they weren't Fuji. His defense was the sign said Fuji and the store must have stocked them in the wrong spot. I also asked for a box of Splenda. He knows I like the packets and I even told him that I usually buy the 100-pack box. I looked in the cabinet this morning and what did I find? The kind used for baking -not the packets. I hate the baking kind 'cause it tastes like dust. Another item on the list was toilet paper wipes - moistened wipes that feel so much better on the bum than toilet paper. He bought Kleenex hand and face wipes. When I pointed it out he asked why I couldn't just use them if they're good enough for the hands and face. I had to explain they're not flushable and that's a problem 'cause I don't want to wipe then throw them in the trash. He also picked up a bottle of ibuprofen for me. And even though they were a generic brand the price tag was $6.99. I don't have a problem with the price other than the bottle expires January 2006. There's no way I'll take that many pills in the next 30 days! It's the store's fault for having them on the shelf so long, but he should have checked the expiration date. So I think he's mad at me right now. But I don't care because I offered to accompany him but he declined. He's going to be even more irritated when I tell him he needs to return some of it.

Tonight at 8:00 is the Rob Thomas concert and I still haven't decided if we're going. I want to go really really bad because I love him! Besides I paid over $100 for the tickets and the thought of them going to waste is just too much. But at the same time, I don't want to get there just to turn around and come back home 'cause I can't handle it. That's the way recovery has been so far. I feel good at times but at any moment that can change. We'd have to get there at least an hour early because it's general admission seating and I don't want to end up way in the back of the theatre. And who knows what time he will go onstage since there's an opening act. I don't know what to do. But what I do know is it's too early in the day to decide how I'll feel tonight. Guess I'll see how it goes...

DB called Sunday asking to borrow some tools from DH. DH wasn't home so I told DB to call Monday and I would have DH leave the tools for him. But he didn't call 'til after 9:00 PM on Monday and I was readying for bed. So I didn't answer the phone. He called back three or four times. The ringing phone was annoying yet I didn't call back 'til yesterday morning. He said the reason he kept calling was he was worried I'd been re-admitted to the hospital. I didn't believe that for one second! I know my brother very well and know the reason he kept calling is he wanted those tools and wanted them on his time schedule. So I told him he could stop by later in the afternoon once I had the chance to shower and dress. I was in bed at that point and didn't feel like getting up to answer the door. DH was at work so I told DB sorry and he would need to wait a few more hours. I explained I would call him when I was ready.

I guess that irritated him because he went on to say he knows a woman who had a complete hysterectomy and she felt fine within a week. That honkerblonked me off so I took the time to educate him that surgery affects different people in different ways. And if that woman felt fine in that amount of time that's her prerogative. Again, I didn't believe him but saw his words as a way to manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do. But I held my ground and said I'd call him back later when I got out of bed. Well, two hours later he called back and asked if I was up yet. I was honkerblonked! Why are people so insensitive? I told him to come over, as it was obvious he didn't care about my feelings. I made it clear that I wasn't up to hanging out and that he should get the tools and leave. If I could have lifted the tools myself I would have just left them at the front door. That's just how honkerblonked I was.

When he got here he sat down and took off his coat. Great! He hadn't listened to a word I said. He explained how stressed he is about some stuff going on at home. His wife had given their bill money to their daughter because she threatened that if they didn't give it to her she wouldn't come home for Thanksgiving. His wife didn't bother to tell him any of this until after my niece left to go back to school. DB is laid off right now and money is tight. He couldn't understand why his she would do that and he was really upset about it. The anger I had toward him turned to compassion and I sat and listen to him vent. I can't stand his wife most of the time anyway and I was mad that she'd treated him like that. I never had a problem with his her until a few months ago when I realized her ignorance firsthand.

One day when I was on the phone with DB he got it mixed up and thought I'd asked to speak with his wife. I didn't, he just misunderstood. When he called her to the phone she said in the background "WHY DO I NEED TO TALK TO HER?" How rude! So from that day forward I really didn't want anything to do with her. A few days before my surgery I was talking to him on the phone again when I heard her ask him what type of hysterectomy I was having. I paused for a long time because I was deciding how to answer. I wanted to respond "NONE OF HER BUSINESS!" It would have been a fair response considering the way she'd acted previously, but I held my tongue. Then she wanted to know where I was having the surgery. She works in billing for a rival hospital. When DB told her where I was having it her response was "WELL, SHE COULD GET BETTER CARE AT MY HOSPITAL." How ignorant and what a terrible thing to say to someone preparing for major surgery? At that point I told DB I needed to get off the phone. He could tell I was honkerblonked and let me go. So having been a victim of her ignorance myself, I was quite sympathetic to DB's story about the bill money.

But there are two sides to every story and it's his fault for staying with her. Their marriage is a crazy story in itself. They've been together since I was in junior high and I'm 33. They have two kids who are nearly grown and they just got married this past July. Over the years things have been totally up and down. They purchased a house together but got into a fight one night and she moved to an apartment. He had her name taken off the mortgage. They moved back in together a few months before the wedding...

So anyway, DB stayed for more than an hour. But before he left he made sure to tell me how sickly I look. He said I'm way too skinny. DH jumped to my defense to say he doesn't think I look bad. DB said DH only feels that way because he sees me everyday.
Then he took it to an even deeper level by comparing me to the way my mother looked before she died. I could not believe he was saying that! My mother died from complications with Hepatitis when I was fifteen years old. She was a heroine addict.

My DH is so sweet. He continued to defend me and reminded DB that I had major surgery ten days ago. We were so relieved when DB left! Next time he calls I'm not answering the phone. He can keep the tools for a while. He's just too much drama to deal with right now.

DH wanted to accompany me into the exam room, which I was worried about because we've never done that before. I wasn't even sure they would allow him back but they didn't have a problem with it. As soon as we got in he started messing with stuff and wanted to get on the scale to weigh himself. I begged him not to. He seemed a little disappointed. But that behavior was exactly why I had reservation. He wasn't like that at all at the hospital but I think it was the seriousness of the situation. When the nurse got the tools to remove my staples. he questioned whether she would them or if the doc would. He gave her a funny look when she said she'd do it. And she must have seen the look because she explained that she's gentler than the doctor. Exactly what I was thinking.

When he came in he took a quick look at my incision and said it looked good. I mentioned the fact that I'm hardly bleeding and if I should be concerned. He told me not to worry about it and said I will bleed/spot off and on for a few months. Then he proceeded to give a hand gesture description of why bleeding occurs, but turned his body and attention toward DH. Men! My next appointment is in three weeks.

My day started off great. I had two BM's before 7:00 AM. I feel so much better having had some activity down there. Hope it's a sign of things to come.

Decided to finish watching The Color Purple DVD since I'd started it on Thanksgiving and never got to the end. I've seen it dozens of times but wanted to add it to my collection. I watched some of the special features and walked away with a new respect for director Steven Spielberg. I love DVD's . They give the viewer much more insight to a movie.

Watched The People's Court. All three cases were good ones. I love that show! Toward the end of it my supervisor from work called. It came up as UNKNOWN CALLER on the caller ID so I decided not to pick up. Earlier, when I was watching the movie I made the mistake of picking up to an unidentified number and it was a lady from work. She had the day off and called to see if I wanted her to come over and make me breakfast. I thought that was interesting. Not so much that she called, but it was 8:00 AM. We only know one another casually and she's never been to my house. Nice gesture, but kind of weird.

So anyway, my supervisor left a message. When I called her back she said the disability department wanted to close my file due to no response from my doctor's office. I was kind of put off Disability never called me about it. So I called them up and their side of the story was they faxed a form to my doc's office twice. They also spoke with one of the nurses several times and were having trouble obtaining the info they need. So I hung up with them and called the doc's office. Left a message for the nurse Disability said they spoke with. She called back and denied ever speaking with them. Said she's the doc's personal nurse and wouldn't handle that stuff. She transferred me to a different lady and I was annoyed. I didn't appreciate being lied to and jerked around! I was professional with her but demanding. She put me on hold to call Disability and said they took the info over the phone. So then I was irritated with my employer. If they were able to take the info over the phone why were they faxing forms back and forth? Grr!

And now I have to call my supervisor back and let her know everything is okay. Don't get me wrong. I appreciate her call to let me know the problem.
She's trying to make sure I get paid on time and I appreciate it. But if it were up to me I'd rather not talk on the phone with my supervisor in this condition. Disability should have called me in the first place. I blame this all on them!

I'm happy to be home but I have problems. Number one is constant gas/bloating. It's hurts so bad! Gas X either doesn't work or not for long. Another problem is constipation. My surgery was Saturday and by Wednesday still no BM. I broke down and called the doctor. The nurse suggested a stool softener but I let her know been there done that. She instructed me to call back by 3:00 if no activity and they were going to have me do an enema. My DS was on her way over so I asked if she could stop and pick up one for me - the whole time hoping I wouldn't need it. No such luck. And to top that off, I had to have DH administer it for me, which I know was difficult. The enema produced good results but now two days later I have the same problem again.

My bladder hardly holds a thing. I'm peeing every thirty minutes to an hour. Sometimes it's hard to tell when it's full. And if I let it get too full it hurts like hell. It feels like my organs are being squeezed. Then I have to take the pain pills, which is scary because I think they're causing the constipation. I'm having terrible nightmares and night sweats. My anxiety about that is contributing to the insomnia. Today's problem - pressure in my vagina, anal area and lower back. I took ES Tylenol a few hours ago and am feeling good right now. I'm scared to eat 'cause I'm afraid my symptoms will come back. There have been a few times when I coughed or laughed and thought I'd blown out some staples. But other than that, I haven't felt much pain from or had any trouble with my incision. Thank God for that!

Woke up to much of the same coming from the roommate's side. I was so happy to be getting out! Ate a breakfast of oatmeal, mixed fruit and tea. The nurse said I was good to take a shower and readied the bathroom. I hadn't passed gas yet so after my shower decided to walk the halls. While I was out there I ran into my roommate's daughter. She told me her mother is 86 years old and was there due to bowel surgery. They were waiting on pathology results to find out whether or not she has cancer.

DH called to say he would be there around 1:00. In the meantime, I had lunch then took a nap. Couldn't believe how much the shower and walking had tired me out. Woke up and went straight to the bathroom. It smelled awful and my roommate's urine pan was still on the seat. I grabbed a pair of gloves near my bed and threw it to the floor. I was going to try for a BM but the smell of the place was just too much. When the nurse came I told her the smell was making me nauseous. She cleaned it up for me and admitted the smell nauseated her, too. (It reminded me of the night before when I went into the bathroom to find green splatter all over the seat. I recognized it as the stuff they had been draining from my roommate's body. The reason I know it came from her is it was the same color as the stuff in the container hanging near her bed. So there I was with a bundle of paper towels covered in hand soap wiping down the toilet. Of course there weren't any seat covers so I lined the seat with toilet paper. It would have been easier to call the nurse but I didn't feel like walking back to the bed to do so.)

Still no BM but plenty of gas and it was painful. DH arrived and I walked some more. We were anxious for the doctor who was supposed to release me at 6:00. I ate dinner then wrote a thank-you note to the staff. Despite my roommate and bathroom problem I was very happy with how they'd treated me. Doctor didn't arrive until after 7:00 and because I was still lying in bed he asked if I wanted to go home that day or the next. We left the hospital and headed to CVS to fill my prescription for Darvacet. I had some stairs to climb when I got here and I handled them quite well. DH helped me into my pajamas and I was in bed almost immediately. I didn't sleep though ... not 'til around 2:00 AM and even then I kept getting up to use the bathroom.

Woke up to a lot of loud talking. My roommate's visitors were back with a vengeance!
I immediately called DH and asked him to beg for a private room when he got there.
The nurse came in to let me know the catheter was being removed. All I wanted to know was if it would hurt. She assured me it wouldn't so I was brave and allowed her to take it. Shortly thereafter I realized how much I would miss it. I had to use the bathroom really bad but it was the first time I'd been up so it was very painful. The nurse assisting me had the same surgery in August and was very sympathetic to my pain.

DH arrived around 9:00 with a lovely bouquet of flowers. But ruined the moment by asking about the room. He said he hadn't talked to anyone yet so I dropped it. He confessed to crying like a baby when he got home the night before but couldn't articulate the reasons why. I think it was a combination of exhaustion and seeing me vulnerable in a way he'd never seen me before.

When I was asked if I wanted to shower I considered what I'd gone through making it to the bathroom the first time and decided I wasn't up to it. She gave me their "shower in a bag" kit and I decided it would have to do for the time being. DS called to say she would be stopping by for a visit around 3:00. I wasn't really up to it but felt guilty because they were only going to be in town a few more days. While we waited for her to arrive DH helped me back and forth to the bathroom a few times. He was impressed I was able to walk at all and asked if I wanted to walk the halls for a bit. I didn't want to but knew it was important for circulation and stimulating the bowels. When we made it to the end of the hall I asked if he could get me a wheelchair so I wouldn't have to walk back to the room. I was just kidding. They'd told me I would be on a liquid diet until I passed gas but for whatever reason the dietician brought me a regular meal for lunch. I didn't argue. The nurse ended up questioning me about it later. I just shrugged my shoulders.

I continued to wonder about that private room as no one had said anything about it. But the later it got the less I wondered. I figured I would be out of there the next day and didn't see the point. I was a little disappointed, though. For the rest of the afternoon and evening I kept busy by visiting with my DH and DS. My guests were gone by 7:00 but of course my roommate's guests lingered on past visiting hours. Good thing DH had brought me earplugs. Otherwise, I'm certain I would have gone mad! They decided to take away my PCA and morphine at about 9:00. I asked for something to help me sleep and the nurse said yes but not until 10:00. The visitors from hell left before 10:00 and I was extremely grateful. I couldn't understand why they didn't understand how much I needed to rest.

Made it to the hospital right at 7:00 and didn't have to wait long to get started. Changed into the lovely hospital gown, compression stockings, booties and bonnet. Then came the million-dollar question. Have you had an enema? I wanted to lie and say yes to avoid having to go through that. I'd had a bowel movement that morning but still felt a lot of pressure down there so I told the truth. It felt like a sharp knife up my butt, but it worked! I was cleaned out in no time. DH was too chicken to stay for that part so he went to get coffee. They started the IV next, which didn't hurt as badly as anticipated. The nurse put something in it she said would make me loopy and I was off to the OR

When I got there they moved me to a smaller bed, more like a table. I remember being advised not to move or else I'd fall off. I watched the staff as they prepared the instruments and the next thing I know I was in recovery. Guess I didn't realize that by "loopy" she meant sleepy.

I was in and out during recovery but I remember a few things that happened. The nurse kept saying I'd be out soon. They were waiting for someone to be discharged before they could assign me a room. I remember seeing and talking to DH, which didn't make a lot of sense to me because they'd told us prior to surgery he wouldn't be allowed in the recovery room. It was after 3:00 before I was assigned and I guess they felt badly about it and that's why they allowed DH back there.

After I was in the room and woke up a bit I realized there was another patient on the other side of the curtain. What? No private room? DH said he'd asked but was told nothing was available. I was worried because the patient had visitors and they were very loud. But I was too tired to complain at that point. A few hours later my DS came to visit with the kids. She took one look at me and started to ball. I asked if I looked that bad. She said no, it was just overwhelming to see me like that. I assured her I was fine and she finally settled down. They didn't stay long and despite the tears I was glad to see them. Around 7:00 I noticed DH was starting to get restless so I begged him to go home to get some rest.

When the pain got to seven I started making use of the PCA. What an awesome device!
Mine was morphine and brought my pain down to about a four.
When the pain subsided I started to get really irritated with my roommate. It was after visiting hours but her visitors were still there and still loud. I called the nurse and asked about a private room and she said they would put me on list. Again, I was too tired to argue so I grit my teeth as I listened to the chaos that ensued when they decided to put a tube up her nose. She screamed and moaned and made all kinds of gurgling sounds. It was awful! I was near tears so I decided to call DH. He did a good job of supporting me and helped me to calm down. I drifted off sometime after 11:00. I only know that because I remember watching a little bit of 'Mad TV'.

Today like most days this week has been totally exhausting. Pre Op was at 8:00 and after that I ran a few errands. Made it home around 11:00 and had to move furniture around for the carpet cleaning guy at 1:00. When he left I remembered something else I needed so I ran out to get it. When I returned I had a bite to eat then was off to clean. In the midst of cleaning I was doing laundry, which I stopped counting after five loads.
Around 5:00 the Circuit City guy came to install the home theatre. He wore me out trying to show us how to use everything. I gave up and let DH deal with it. I still needed to scrub the showers and mop the floors.

Around 6:30 I decided to call in carry-out from the Chinese place nearby. By the time I made it there and back, ate dinner and cleaned up dishes it was nearly 8:00. When I walked in the door from picking up food DH was on the phone with my DB. He handed me the phone so as rude as it seems I ate fried rice while talking to DB. Shortly after I hung up from him he called back and wanted to know if he could come over. I wanted to say no I have too much stuff to do but I resisted. He stayed for about an hour. Guess he must be feeling sad about the surgery. He gave me a big hug and was on his way. I told DH I was exhausted but knew I couldn't rest because of things needing to get done. Also the fact that my sister and her family drove up from Texas and were on their way over to see us. I haven't seen them in over a year. How blessed am I to get to see them right before my surgery? We watched my niece's dance recital, which was adorable!
They didn't stay too long and when they left I jumped in the shower.

Now here I am. There's still some stuff I need to get done. Some of it I'm going to give up on and let DH take care of it. I still have to pack my hospital bag. It's ten after 11:00. I have to be at the hospital at 7:00. I'm exhausted ... but in good spirit!

Arrived at the hospital a few minutes before eight this morning. I didn't have to wait long before they got me started. I only had to sign one form. That was surprising. The nurse who helped me was really nice. I told her how scared I am and she was extra patient with me. She did a nice job telling me what to expect and gave me great hope I won't be in a lot of pain. They took four vials of blood. I only know that because I was brave enough to take a peek as they were being labled. I couldn't dare look when the needle was in. The only other thing I had to do was pee in a cup and then I was on my way. I wasn't there an hour. Hope that's a sign of things to come.

Just a little over an hour. That’s how long I have to go before the end of my work day.
I can’t wait! I so need get this place off my mind! I can’t wait until my shift ends. I might dance a jig in the parking lot!

My pre op is tomorrow at 8:00. I don’t have to fast or anything beforehand and that’s great! The hospital called last night to go over insurance information and other stuff. I asked if I could arrange for a private room and the nurse said she will make the request but can’t guarantee anything, I asked if it was first come, first served and she said she didn’t know. Guess I’ll follow up tomorrow when I get there.
They wanted to know if I wanted clergy to come and visit me during the stay. I declined. They also wanted to know if I have a living will and power of attorney. After all those questions it hit me that this is really about to happen. I’m not freaking yet, but I know I will once I get off work.

I have never been hospitalized as an adult. When I was about eight years old I had to have a cyst removed from my back. It was supposed to be an outpatient surgery and they were going to numb the area and take out the cyst while I was awake. Well, when I got to the OR I started freaking out to the point they had to reschedule the surgery for the next day when they could put me to sleep. Hope that doesn’t happen again.
LOL!

Just can’t shake the tiredness. Working ten hours yesterday did not help. By the time I got home I was so exhausted I didn’t want to eat. Luckily, I threw some chicken and vegetables in the crockpot, but I was too tired to make anything with it so I just had that. Wasn’t what I wanted to eat but it filled the void. Still didn’t go to bed until after 11:00 and had to be in to work today at 8:00.

I was all worked up yesterday after the hospital called to schedule my preop. Finally talked to them this morning and scheduled it for Friday morning at 8:00. I was surprised they would let me schedule as late as Friday seeing as how my surgery is scheduled for Saturday at 9:00. Oh well, I guess they know what they’re doing. The nurse said it will last about an hour. They will take some blood, urine sample and have me complete paperwork. I was worked up for nothing!

My boss approved medical leave Friday so I won’t have to worry about coming back to the office after preop. Thank GOD! I still have so much to do. Besides, I need to get myself together mentally. I’ve been so stressed at work in addition to the stress of the upcoming surgery and things I still need to get done. I’ve got to get my mind right before going under the knife.

So why don't I just go to bed? Can't. I'm all wound up about work tomorrow. Mondays are the busiest and I've gotta put in ten hours. Yikes! God, I need strength!

I did way too much running around this weekend. Shopping mostly. I didn't get home today until after five today. We spent a couple hours at the electronic store looking at HDTV's and decided on the 42-inch. It was delivered today and looks great! We chose the perfect size for the space we have.

Decided against the shower chair and purchased a raised toilet seat/w rails instead. I found good deals on a pink comforter and sheet set. Managed to get those washed and ready to go. I organized the freezer and regrigerator. Straigtened out the kitchen cabinets and placed all the necessities on the lower shelves. That doesn't cover half of what I've done today. No wonder I'm exhausted!

Got a card yesterday from the friend who suggested I turn my bed away from the door. It's adorable and oh so special because it's hand made. The outside depicts a lady in a pink dress, heels and handbag on arm. The inside is a nice note advising me not to worry, to give up control and allow people to help. She knows me well and it's funny. I probably won't allow people outside my close circle of family and friends to help me. It's just the way I am. Truthfully. The thought of giving up control to DH for six to eight weeks is nerve wracking. I'm working on it though.

A coworker sent an email asking if she could come over during recovery and cook and clean for me. I asked her to pray for me and said that will be enough. I don't even like this lady so the last thing I would want is her in my home and personal space. I don't trust her and believe she has ulterior motives. The reason she offered to help is to have something to talk about at work. She'll try to make it seem like her we're good friends and I needed her. I don't think so! This is the same woman who has lied to my face on several occasions. I have a zero tolerance for liars! We sat next to each other during a 13-week training course and got to know one another a little bit. It wasn't long before I pegged her as a liar! She has a seventeen-year old daughter and one day a coworker asked if her seventeen year old would be interested in babysitting for her nine-year old son. Liar went on and on about how her daughter would love to baby-sit and make extra money. But as soon as the coworker left the area she started complaining how she couldn't believe the woman would ask her daughter to baby-sit, how rude and yada yada yada! I was shocked!

When she lied to me that was the last straw! Toward the completion of training there was buzz about the group getting together to celebrate. Conversation went back and forth and I volunteered to host a party. Liar nagged to help- asking what she could bring or what she could do or make. She went on about how sweet I was for hosting, we're gonna have so much fun. Blah! Blah! Blah! The day of the party she never showed up. She didn't even call. Said her daughter was sick and didn't want to be left alone. I was a little put off by it. But not as put off as when a few months later she said the reason for missing the party is it was graduation night for her Masters degree. What a liar! Which story is it? Was your daughter sick or was it graduation night? We conceptualized the party as a group and when it came time to pick a date why didn't you tell us it was your graduation night? Grrr! I shouldn't get so worked up about this I'm just trying to make a point. I don't like liars! Especially liars who lie about little things that don't need to be lied about. Why would I let her of all people - LIAR! - into my home to cook and clean for me? Does she think I'm crazy? I haven't come right out and told her that I think she's a liar and that's the problem. She thinks we have a better relationship than we do and that's my fault. I thought I was sending her all the right signals that I don't want to be friends but I need to be more direct. It's just that so much has happened I don't even know where to start.

After training I planned to not deal with her anymore. We were assigned to different departments and I hardly ever saw her. I loved it that way! But in a strange twist of fate we ended up back in training together three months later. That training led to us working in the same department side by side. Sigh! Most recently in one of those HE SAID - SHE SAID situations someone told me that they'd overheard Liar Lady going on about my medical leave and saying all sorts of stuff that was either inappropriate or simply not true. I was fuming mad to the point I prayed about it. I ended up waiting three days before I said anything to her 'cause I had to let the anger reside. Again, I have zero tolerance for liars. And lying about me takes it one step too far. On that third day I asked if we could talk after work. She gave me a strange look but agreed. I didn't even give her a chance to lie. I started out by saying "You were overheard in the lunchroom..." Her eyes got really big!

By that time I wasn't as angry so I took the time to educate her about the company's medical leave policy. I said perhaps she misunderstood something I said along the way and I wanted to take the time to educate her. I expressed regret for having talked about the situation in the first place. She really didn't know what to say and of course she apologized and said she'd never do anything to hurt me. Whatever! I thought she'd gotten the message after that conversation but now that she's asked to cook and clean for me I see she hasn't. I'm not going to worry about it anymore this week. My surgery is in seven days. I'll deal with her once I return to work. I feel better now!

So much to do. So much left undone. Right now I'm taking a mini break from changing around the bedroom. A friend told me that facing the bed away from the door is good Feng Shui and brings good energy. Things might not work out though 'cause I can't figure out how to turn the bed so the nightstands fit on each side.

I'm also on my third load of laundry. Decided to wash all the gowns and pajamas I bought. I'm glad DH is at work and can't see all this stuff. Not that he would be mad he just makes fun of me because most everything I've bought is pink. I told him it's his reminder that I'm the queen.

The same friend who suggested I turn the bed gave me some Method brand fabric softener 'cause it supposedly works so well. I used it on my jammies but I'm not impressed. I thought my clothes would smell all fresh and yummy but they don't smell like anything at all. Guess I should stop listening to her advice.

I've got the day off work but find myself thinking about none other than work. Mainly the things I need to take care of before my departure. Sometime next month management will begin taking vacation requests for 2006 on a first come first served basis. I need to get those dates arranged and get them to my supervisor so I won't be left out of the loop.
I also need to write down important phone #'s and email addresses since I'll be in contact a lot with disability, payroll, etc. I'm not thinking much about the work itself. It will get done whether I'm there or not.

I worked for the company over four years then due to DH's job transfer left. I loved my job and was making the most money I've ever made. I was extremely sad about leaving because I knew it would be next to impossible to get back in. But then we transferred back here and eight months ago the company had a boom in business and hired some CSR's. A job I swore I'd never do. Never say never. I really wanted to get back in so I took the job I wanted the least. And most days I can't it! But I love working for that company and know I can move out of that job one day. I have good benefits and incentives. On the really tough days I try to keep that in perspective. One of the best benefits about going back to work there is getting most of my years of service back. Even though I've worked there eight months I recently celebrated my five-year anniversary. Having that many years in makes me eligible for 100% of my pay during my time off. That's awesome! I'll try and remember that tomorrow as the phone rings off the hook and the customers abuse me.

Woke up this morning and YIPEE my period's here! Couldn't wait to call the doctor's office. Called at 9:00 and reached the scheduler's voicemail. Called back - voicemail again. Third time left a message. Called back an hour later she answered. Said she had to get my file and could I call back later. What??
I was so annoyed! It was after 3:00 before I talked to her. Grrr!!

The good news is my surgery is finally scheduled. Bad news I didn't get the date and hospital I was hoping for. I wanted Thursday the 17th cause the doctor does his surgeries at the new hospital that day. I love that new hospital!! But no ... BroomHilda said there were no openings for the 17th. She was probably lying. I hate to be so cynical but she was so unpleasant to deal with. So my surgery is scheduled at the old hospital Saturday the 19th. I don't have a problem with the old hospital. I just enjoy new stuff. As long as they take good care of me that's all I can ask. Oh, and a private room - that's important too.

There was a situation at work where a coworker made inappropriate comments about my surgery. Just yesterday she implied I would be at home "chilling out" instead of recovering. She also said I should be fine three weeks after a TAH because she was fine three days after her C-section. Finally I had enough and told her about herself. How I think her comments are unsolicited not to mention offensive. She got all weepy saying she didn't mean to offend me. Yada Yada Yada. Whatever, lady! Just leave me alone! I regret even telling those people about the surgery.

I keep thinking about the surgery date ... whenever that ends up being. But I think about how impossible it will be to work the day before. I work in a fast-paced, high stress call center. The thought of being yelled at and abused the day I'm scheduled to have major surgery. I don't think so! Maybe I'm a wimp. Whatever! I'm not dealing with that! I know my employer would support me in that even if my coworkers don't. But forget them 'cause they don't make the rules. Guess the best thing for me to do is to stop over anticipating the situation. Why am I thinking about the day before surgery when I don't even have a surgery date?

I need to relax. As soon as I do I'm sure the blood will start flowing ...

Today's the day I'm supposed to start according to the calendar. I've been eagerly anticipating it all day. Nothing yet. I wanted so much to see blood so I could call the doctor and get a surgery date. Sigh ... I've never wanted period so badly!

Slept some then went out shopping. First stop Meijer, which I really didn't want to shop there this week but I had a coupon for $10 off a $50 purchase. I worried whether I'd accumulate $50 worth of stuff but ended up spending $80. As I was walking out I remembered the coupon. I'd completely forgot to use it! Went up to the service desk and explained the situation and they credited me the $10 promptly.

Next we headed over to the Walmart, which conveniently is right across the street from Meijer. I was able to find most of what's on my list of things to buy. I bought a few nightgowns on clearance for $7. Picked up a cute case for my body pillow. Got a thermometer, heating pad ... It was so much fun! I was having a blast but DH was bored eager to get home for the start of the Player's Championship. So after nearly an hour in Walmart we headed home.

I barely remember the ride because my sister called from Texas and we don't get to talk like we used to. So I talked to her the whole ride home and for more than an hour after that. We had a lot of good laughs. DH didn't mind me being on the phone forever as he was watching golf. And in the meantime I made him lunch so he was happy. He cleaned up the dishes so I decided to take a load off to journal for a bit.

I really should be in bed right now but I can't sleep. A huge storm is blowing through and it sounds like the windows are going to crash in. There's not much on television this time of morning. And I'm about sick of the 'What's Happening?' marathon on TV Land so that doesn't excite me.

Just pulled out the list of stuff I still need to buy.
Thermometer,heating pad,raised toilet seat. The list goes on. Good thing I started shopping early. I also need a few more nightgowns. I've got plenty of lounge pants and pajama sets but the more I think about it I know I won't wear those for a few weeks. And it just occurred to me I should probably shop now for an outfit to wear to the Rob Thomas concert in case I end up feeling well enough after surgery to go. Hopefully I'll be able to find a nice dress but then I won't be able to wear heels ... sigh
Something else I need to do is find a good chicken soup recipe. I want to make a big pot and freeze it. I need to avoid the sodium in canned soup so making my own is definitely the way to go. Hope I get around to getting it done.

Seems like I'm the only one on this site without a scheduled surgery date. The way they schedule it at my doctor's office is within ten days of your period. I'm supposed to call the scheduler the day I start my cycle and they have up to ten days from that time. If my body cooperates I should get my period this coming Tuesday. I'll feel a whole lot better once I've got a firm date. I know my employer will too. Sometimes though when I'm nervous and have a lot of anxiety my period doesn't start on time. I hope that doesn't happen this month.