Yeah,
All down and in the attic! Thanks to hubby. He took the girls out this morning, had them run around the yard and play on the swingset. Then he fed them lunch and took them to Costco. I got my walk in, down to Blockbusters and back. BITTER COLD, but sunny.
I am however very swollen, not just the belly, but right under the rib cage. The old, "felt like I just had a Thanksgiving Dinner" feeling. Try to figure out why this happens on some days. Today, maybe the reaching up to taking down the ornies, plus the long walk (2 1/2 miles total)... could be it..... won't know for sure.
Gonna try to sleep in tomorrow. Hubby off for the holiday, he'll get the girls up and get 'em breakfast. Will try to stay resting as much as possible tomorrow, since the girls are off for the rest of the week, I'll be on my feet more than I have been since the surgery..
One Day At A Time....
Off to bed....
nighty...night.

Well, an early morning start to the day. I will attempt to get the rest of the Christmas Decorations down! The Kitchen is still completely decorated and there is still lights and garland in the girls room...which they still ask to be turned on at night....which illuminates the room way to much and keeps them awake.....so that will be the first to go...
Therapy is going just OK. It's always nice to talk with someone "outside the box". But, I still find it doesn't help me with everything inside the box!
Girls are off next week for February vacation. Trying to plan enough to keep them busy, but not toooo much that my swelly belly attacks mid day. Because the earlier that arrives the early IMS shows up ( irritable mom syndrome). No snow in the forcast, but lots of cold weather. They are both hanging on to stuffy noses and coughs, would like to get as much fresh air in their lungs as possible.
Well, need to keep with the program, would like to finish at least ONE project today. It is sooooo depressing when you make a list of things to do and none of it gets done!

therapy again tomorrow. She told me to order a book. It came in todays mail. How Can I Get Through To You by Terrance Real. Hope to get a couple of pages read before tomorrow so I won't look like a stupid weenier.
I did however make it through a no school snow day with the girls today. We worked on valentines cards for class mates and teachers, and a little craft project, then did puzzles the rest of the night. They were both pretty calm today...but they are both toting a head cold around so that may bring down the hyper speed I'm use to. Well I've taken my Ambien CR and I'm gonna try and read a couple of pages in this book before I hit lalala land some sweet dreams from the late seventies early eighties would be might fine!!

Where do we go from here? :wow: I saw the therapist on Tuesday.... Guess it beats talking to the wall... atleast she talks back...but what she says......do I really want to hear?
Yes, having the hysterectomy is the "cherry" on top of the sundae , but things just haven't been right for a while. And that's in every department. I really suck at being a "mom"... It's going on five years since the girls moved in and I still can't seem to call them mine especially in my heart. I'm still quite honkerblonked off that their birth mom could pop out kids one after the other (there's a half brother out there somewhere) and I got to spend many an hour and the all mighty dollar for years and years and years... to have the final out come be the surgery!
I told the therapist I'm really having an aweful time with my feelings towards them. I know it's wrong to feel this way but it doesn't stop me...from FEELING THIS WAY!
SEX? What sex.... that stopped somewhere near the beginning of the adoption proceedings. We'll come back to this thought on sex or lack there of...
I've always had cats.... always.... thought I was a great cat mom. Been through cancer, hyperthyroids, more cancer, amputation, trips to the emergency room or the hospital, daily fluids, daily cleaning of wounds, fur balls, and throw up and poopy butts, up all night, force feedings... how hard would it be to take care of a human kitten? Couldn't have my own....hubby thought why not adopt.... wouldn't give us an infant because of his age... then found out they come in twos! Meaning there were at the time a lot of children in the adoption system that were syblings... the old buy one get one free....(kidding!)
So to go from 0 to 2 in basically sixty seconds was... how would you say.... overwelming... spent the first two years in therapy trying to get a handle on everything... put on all kinds of meds for depression anxiety, lack of sleep, by the time I was done you could have probably fried me... and I wouldn't have noticed... ohhh did I say the girls were 11 months apart and were 1 and 2 at the time... drugs...abuse....prison...some of the birth parents traits. I took myself off of the drugs I was on slowly but surely..... never thought they did anything for me and felt I gave them enough time to show some affects... still can't "handle" the girls... Yes they came with baggage... don't we all. Each day seems the same to me....can't get out.....
Tried to do everything right for them...maybe that's my problem.... Everything has to be just right... everything is either white or black... I can't pick my battles I have to get them all right... I have to work them all out... I have to have all the solutions... I'm hard on myself ... I expect to get it right or die trying...guess I expect the same from everyone else.
By the time hubby gets home I just want to shoot myself... and of course the girls run to daddy... cuz.. he's the daddy! Mommy is the meano! Then the arguement starts between he and I .... and so the story goes. We have no more "us" time and I can't get it back.. don't know how.... I've doen the talking to him, the writting to him... and get basically nothing back.
I'd like to quit but I don't even know how to do that!
And the days go by......how time flys...... are we having fun yet?

Was hoping for the best.... I know it takes new meds a bit of time to get cracking in your system. I know it takes time to heal. I know this was a major surgery. I know the girls are just acting their ages. Even though I KNOW all these things.... I'm still feeling depressed. I'm still feeling useless, trapped in this house, trapped in this life...for the rest of mine...though I've been thinking of shortening it recently ...and just want to strangle the girls one minute after they come into the house after school. Valentines decorations laying all over my bed begging to get hung. Christmas garland dying to come down still! Haven't even been able to finish things lately....All these "half finished" "half started" projects around the house. I did make an appointment with my therapist for next week. Haven't seen her for over a year....but like she is going to have some super glue or magic fairy dust to make all these bad feelings go away..... I'll sit in her chair for an hour pay out some money just so she can say to me "Well, what do you think?"

Bad day at my one month check up. Waiting for an hour, but it gave me a chance to make a list on paper. I asked him about the open part of my inscision, he said my inscision is healing a head of schedule....the litle ooooze part is trying to drain out some fluid stuck in there, if it still in here next week he will lance it. The swelling in my legs is fluid, the swelling in my belly is all gas! Try gas-xery report. The lack of sleep, totally feeling depressed, wanting to strangle the rest of the family for there much lack of concern! I have a copy of my lab report and my surgery report all mumble jumble. Some of the terms I'll have to look up on Web MD. But one thing in particular had me crying while waiting at Walgreens for a new script Zoloft. My Uterius was amputated! Gotta get some sleep.... just gotta do it!

Actually cutting and pasting a private note I wrote earlier just to try and keep the log alive.....
My name is Katie. I'm born and breed here in Massachuetts. I'm south of Boston, next to Brockton, in Stoughton. I've lived here 49 years, the house I grew up in is 15 mins away, my 85 yr old Dad still lives there!

Guess 7 is the lucky number with cats! All seven are "special needs" or a ferral .Walter 12, has an imune disorder, where his gums rejected his teeth. His first five years with us were spent on weekly trips to Boston Angel Animal Hospital were he went thru some painful and unfruitful radiation. Finally had to pull all his teeth except the long canines in front. Next along came who is 10. She came from a ferral colony at the Norwood Airport. I worked at a building next to it and there were MANY cats there. I captured her at age 2months right before a major snow storm she stayed on my heated porch until all her tests came back negative, then joined the family. She is actually the "Aunt" to the two sisters listed down below. Minka eats nothing but 9 Lives dry Food on a piano bench, her place no one else allowed on or near her. Next is Marmie who is 10 (she has been indoors now for 1 year and a half she was a neighborhood ferral who ate at our back door every night for a good five years. A year and a half ago she showed up limping badly. So I captured her brought her down to the vet, she had been bitten by another wild animal. He wrapped it, she stayed on our porch for two weeks, brought her back to check it out and Vet said it probably wouldn't heal back as good as new, so hubby and I decided to make her an O'Neil so in she came. Our rule with cats is once the enter our home they do not go bacvk outside. She had a litter under our shed and we were able to socialize one of the two, a little boy origanal named Buddy but when we finally got him inside we renamed him Harpo, He has a very sensative tummy. He has to eat alone in the bathroom then have some quiet time to digest, other wise he'd come out and ammediately start pucking. he is 8, then there are the sisters, 7 Missy and Pansy. Missy has a little disorder, she licks all the fur off of her belly, other than that she's a good girl, and Pansy the smallest little peanut of the bunch RUNS THE HOUSE! Nothing gets past her, she is in the food line first, come near her she'll swipe you, got a couple of battle scare noses in the family to prove it
Never knew a time in my life there wasn't a cat or two, or three, etc. My friends call me the "Mother Theresa" of animals. Anytime a stray is found I'm the first person they call! I try to socialize them, then find them a new home. I did the unthinkable this past fall. I took my two "human" children to the local animal shelter, after they had asked, "what happens to animals that don't have a home?" One week later I was back at the shelter....picking up Luke AKA Lucas! A homely little kitten with large features he hadn't quite grown into, and we weren't sure he ever would! Who by the way is waiting here patiently for me to finish up, so we can take "our" morning nap up in the big bed! Yesterday I had 5 of them in bed with me! Thank goodness for king size! But I think a purrr and a nudge work better than Percocet most of the time!
Well it's just finishing up snow here this AM, not sure if I'll get out for a walk, hopefully it will clear up enough for me to walk up and get the girls from school this afternoon, if not, hubby will have to leave work just to pick them up and drop them home.
The frustration and aggrivation of healing... is driving me crazy. I do not like sitting around the house, would rather be out and about, but because the inscision is still "weeping" doctor says and I can't drive till I see him next Monday.
Well another furry walk by, tail in my nose..... let's go he says!
Great Times, and nobody at them! K-K-K-Katie

Ohhh how they get me going...I do believe smoke will start to sputter than BOOM the top of my head will fly off.. ..a nice little version of Monty Pythons Flying Circus, which I believe was my calling and I missed the boat, or plane, or bus what ever the pick was made by. I am doing somebody elses life and I'm not doing a good job of it.
I walked today... Paul dropped me down to Blockbusters on his way to bring the girls to the YMCA pool. A little over a mile walk home and I was swollen like Santa after a great night of cookie and milk! I know I need to drink more water but everytime I fill my big cup one of the seven furry kids comes along and laps half of it away....I refuse to do another Snake Charmers Dance to get out of my bed, just to fill up the cats water stop!
So we took down all the santas and elves in the livingroom. They were hanging from beams lined up on top of the beams and around three sets of window garland.... gee now my belly looks like it would if I were able to be 5 months pregnant. What a very cruel joke to pull on women who have to go threw a hysterectomy just so she can see what the possible look for her would be , being pregnant! I'm not getting it at all. Totally depressed, don't want to see the shrink again, just so she can put me on something that slows down my speach and make my head feel like a couple of marshmallows are floating through Effexor! yuck
I keep trying to deal with everything and I just keep coming back to the same realization, I suck at it and can't do it. Not to put the shoes on another foot but, hey, isn't it God who makes all the choices, who gets babies, who doesn't, who gets love, who gets stepped over....etc as my mom would say right about now be quiete! If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it at all. But what do you do...you open your mouth and diahrea pours out.
Sorry Cath, it's not chapter two...maybe it would be best for me to write early in am when I stil have my wits about me.....they're talking snow tomorrow...if this happens and the girls stay home, I will be tryiing to flush myself down the toilet and head for the open sea...hey, Nemo did it, I gotta try... OHHHH Ambien CR take me away!

Well..... to much walking yesterday...so I treated myself to a Percocet before bed time (last one I took was the Sat after surgery.) I think it actually helped me sleep. Slept on my belly a bit!
Paul got the girls off to school, so I stayed in bed until 10:00... then took things easy. I took down three more areas of ornaments, three loads of laundry, and rested a bit more. I will try to pick up the girls today, first time since surgery. Not a biggy, the school is two blocks away and the weather is perfect atleast for MA this time of year 50's no wind and sunny. So I'll walk over and just take my time.
Anna 6 and Kyra 5 both in kindergarten. They are 11 months apart Kyra will be quick to tell this to anyone who asks if they are twins! They have been a part of our family since November 2001. Paul and I have been married 18 years this past 1/9. Ya we tried the usually way to have children...nothing came from it. We had some "outside" help along the way...still nothing. Of course there were plenty of trips to the gyn. and all kinds of out patient proceedures...still the small "house" inside me remained empty.... and now it's been "torn down"...what a sad feeling...what a depressing thought....I don't think I can take one more pad or Pamperin commercial. Well back to the girls....
Paul brought up the thoughts of adoption in 1999... we looked into a couple of options... decided to check into local adoptions..state adoptions. Talked with friends, also spoke with a family member who works for the YMCA and deals with some of the children from DSS. He hooked us up with contacts to get our ball rolling early part of 2001. We took the MAP training (about eight weeks, one day a week). We graduated in June, had our lives TOTALLY investigated and when we thought we'd be able to have a "new" baby in our home by Christmas...we were told by our social worker that Paul was "to old" 57 to adaopt a new born... but there were a lot of other older children out there.... OK OK so burst my bubble to start out fresh, new, infant....Oh poor me......
Well I have to end this and head up to pick up the girls... will try for "chapter two" after bedtime.

OK OK OK..... I've been talking to myself everyday to start this, yet I kept putting it off....enough! Will not start at the beginning, will fill that in later, just want to post todays thoughts....

All the things going thru my head.....bad and good.

Can't believe this has happened to me blah blah blah.
Want a divorce, want to move FAR away, want to end my days blah blah blah. Could someone please shoot the kids and get this cat off my tummy for the last time! Blah blah blah...
Guess and I can sing the blues everyday for the rest of my life, or just get off my butt and do ...something...anything.
After reading notes on the boards for the past few weeks it's helped to see I'm not alone, and that there are gals worse off then I.
Tried to do everything I read the right way, and take one step at a time. It seems like you take two steps forward, you fall three steps back...ya it's depressing. But what are your options? Stop all the whinning, the cats can do that for you, Go for a walk it's not snowing! Atleast try to start taking the Christmas decorations down! So I did...took down one set of ornaments(over 100) and the garland they were on. I walked ..... (been doing what I call baby steps the past two weeks just up the street and around the block about 10 to 15 mins each day) , but today, I actually walked down to the local Blockbusters, got a movie, stopped by Walgreens and picked up the girls meds and headed back home, looked to be gone about an hour, felt great that I accomplished that, but my tummy was crying wa wa wa. Really swollen and really sore to the touch, anything touching it, incision has a little section where it is "leaking" just a bit, hubby not due home for another hour and the girls are being good. I'm gonna lay on the couch for a bit and maybe the won't notice I'm not in their sight..... will watch a bit of Gilmore Girls... that always helps my moods.
Will definately start logging more in here daily. It will help my own "tude" and hopefully others as well.