I woke up the morning of my surgery not feeling anxious or fearful. If anything, I was sleepy. I felt like I hadn't gotten a good nights sleep and I could not stop yawning. This sleepy feeling actually kept my nerves at bay while I packed and showered for my big day.
The hospital staff were very pleasant. I was sent to the pre-op ward and curtained off in my little space with my bed. I was instructed to get fully naked and put on the blue gown and gray socks. Not a good look for me but when I asked for something in pink, they told me that they were all out. Bummer. Then instantly, I had three people in my room at once. They were firing questions at me left and right. I told them I felt like I was a celebrity and they were the dreaded paparazzi. However, they could care less about what designer clothes or bag I was wearing, they just wanted to know when my last BM was. Ha Ha Ha.
The nurse who inserted my IV was a pro. That sweet girl first gave my hand a shot which numbed it and then with no ounce of problem inserted the IV. I never felt a thing. That was the most awesome and painless IV insertion I have ever felt. Things were looking for me at this point.
I had a small 45 minute wait and then my Anesthesiologist came in and I requested that he sing "Rock a Bye Baby" when he puts me to sleep. He was more interested in my telling him stories with my Southern accent. All the staff seemed to love my accent that I thought I had lost. I began to think of the most hickified Southern tales to entertain my Anesthesiologist with. How could I make him laugh. I did make him promise also to crank up the junkbox with some funky hip hop so I could get dropped like it's Hot when going under. He was quite witty that guy.
Next my Angel of a Doctor came in with her Assistant. She was all hyped up and ready to begin the surgery. I asked them to go ahead and take their potty breaks now because I didn't want them slipping out on me during the procedure. They laughed and then quipped that their double shot of expresso from Starbucks had kicked in and they were ready to get this party started. This whole surgery thing was sounding cool. Stories, fun music, perhaps a few dance moves from the OR team. Maybe I should have worn my dancing shoes for this thing instead of these awful gray socks. Oh well, as long as they enjoy my agony, I am OK with it.
As if they couldn't wait another moment to begin cutting my 'girl', I was wheeled towards the OR. My driver was warning me of all the bumps in the hallway. I told him that was not a problem, just keep that gurney slow and steady on they way out when I may not be up for a rough ride.
The OR was fluttering with my team setting up their equipment. I noticed the God awful blue stirrups that would soon hold my legs high in the air and wide apart. Oh Mercy. That the Lord I wouldn't be awake to see myself suspended in that contraption. I slid from my ride to my gurney and was made comfortable. The nurse covered me with warm blankets and covered my cold feet. I was thinking to myself, why bother covering my feet, even though they were cold. In no time that sheets would be flung off of me and every private part of me would be slinging into the robotic looking devices like I was a rag doll freak. Thank God I am still a little limber.
My Anesthesiologists comes over and informs me that he is going to go ahead and give me the shot he mentioned earlier about that would relax me until he was ready to put me under. I told him to go for it, I was still yawning constantly from waking up tired. At that point, NOTHING. I was out and never remember being actually PUT TO SLEEP. That is usually my favorite part of surgery. Getting the Docs to sing me to sleep. How fun to watch them sing while I go under. No luck in being entertained this time. I was out so fast.
But I woke up. And boy did I wake up grumpy. PAIN. Oh My. I woke up in recovery with bodies on gurneys all around me and Nurses walking from patient to patient checking on them. I felt like I was in labor. Let's see here. I have my uterus taken out which is the home for babies yet I wake up feeling like I am about to give birth. *Scratching head* Still trying to figure that one out. I really really hurt. But nothing so bad that I was screaming like a ninny. The nurse gave me more warm blankets and told me the surgery went great. I told her I could tell. Hence, the non stop pain. I wanted to just sleep and rest while in recovery but for some reason every time I fell back asleep, my breathing would get all wacky and make the pulse ox machine start beeping. Now I was being chastised for not breathing correctly. ****. How could I focus on breathing "Correctly" Madame when I was alseep and unware of what I was doing. Didn't matter. This gal wasn't about to let me get by with any shallow breaths. She corrected me everytime the machine would beep. This repeated for over two hours. She told me I couldn't leave the RR until I could keep the machine from beeping for at least 5 minutes. A challenge? Oh well. Why didn't you challenge me earlier Dear. I will not fail now. I am forced to show her I could do it. Everytime I felt my eyes closing, I would open them wide and breathe correctly. Wishing she was looking in my direction so I could stick my tongue out and tease her. See, I can do it.
Finally, my challenge was successful and she called for my chauffer to wheel me to my room. Yeah. Now I can sleep and breath wrong all I want. Sleep would help with this unrelenting pain.
Once in my own bed, I felt like a celebrity again. There was the **** paparazzi taken my pictures. Idiot. My husband is taken pics of me with an oxygin hose in my nose and my Build a Bear Cuddle Bear placed by my head. I didn't even have the ability to give him the finger like Avril Lavigne surely would have done, or toss a drink at him like Britney. I was in pain and on loopy Morphine. I had to accept the bad pics being taken and wished I could pay this husband of mine off to not publish them. No luck. Thanks to technology, my pics were sent to my kids and God knows who else with one press of the SEND button. Just like that, I was betrayed and my horrible pics were made public property. With my kids I could be on Myspace by now. Geez. I'm feeling the Love guys.
The kids arrived later to see me. The morphine had my eyes all loopy and the pain was severe. I am talking and trying to engage with the kids and my husband but they are laughing at me because my eyes are rolling all around in different directions. Check out that vid on utube. I wouldn't doubt it. Why do people you love find joy in my discomfort??? Hmmmmmm.....They are never around with cameras when I am made up and feeling pretty. Oh no. Let's display Mom's weirdness and painful ugly mug to the world. Yeah.....I am horrified that I still love them at this point. They all finally leave.
I try to rest but each time I press the Morphine button, the IV pump starts beeping. I couldn't sleep for hearing this all night long. The nurse finally had it replaced late the next morning. I did my best to go long periods of time not pressing that button so I could snooze a little. Around 6:30AM, my Nurse came in and removed my catheter. Which I had been terrified about getting since I never had one before. It was removed and I never felt a thing. WOW. Luck is back on my side again. Then out came the packing. Well, it was uncomfortably, but definetly not painful. After 40 minutes I made my first trip to the bathroom to pee. Ahhhhhhhhh. Glad everything still works. I did black out and get really nauseated on my way back to the bed but over the course of the morning that went away and I pleased my Nurse filling cup after cup for her in the bathroom. I drank water and gave her another show. She was pleased. My Dr. Came in and wanted to wait and see me after lunch before deciding if I can go home. I walked, drank water, and peed. To my delight, she discharged me right after lunch.
My husband drove me home and got me into bed. I honestly don't feel like I had major surgery. I am in a small amount of pain but otherwise I feel wonderful.
I haven't had any bleeding and am so happy to not need the granny panties I set aside for post op. I plan on staying commando until , oh well, let's say...forever......