OK - I'm finally using my journal to vent. I need a good vent, a good cry, a good scream. If you don't like ugly things then back out now....
A year and a half later and today I feel like crap mentally. Right now I should feel like a million bucks. I have my health, a great home life, friends. It should be wonderful. But it's not. At least not right now. Not this moment when I seem to need my sanity the most.
I know it's simply stress of the past year. A lot has happened. My hands have gotten worse and I've seen a new ortho doc. 2 out of 3 docs now recommend I hae surgery on my hands. That's all fine and good, but it's not their hands they want to operate on. The pain some days is relentless. I've had something like a chronic toothache - but in my hands - for almost 2 yrs now. It wears on your nerves and your mental status.
My dad has gotten older, turning 80 last month, and made some very very unwise decisions and mistakes. Decisions he didn't tell me about until it was too late. Well, mabye not too late - only the courts can decide that. He's made a mess of his finances and in the process drug the family into a legal battle that perhaps will destroy what's left of his family. Money is not everything, but due to his forgetfullness or unwillingness to tell me his errors until too late, he is just about pennyless.
Some days I just want to walk away. Leave. Move. Today is one of them. Some days my heart feels so heavy it's all I can do to pretend everything will be OK. It's affected my personal life with my DH. I haven't wanted to admit it. But it has. Stress, worry, tension. It's pulling my soul apart.
Money stresses me....there I said it. When I deal with money matters (well, my dad's money matters - mine are fine) I want to eat....
eat so bad I can't stand myself. I try to relax, but can't, I even went back on my "happy pills" last spring - with my doctors OK. It didn't last long. My body didn't tolerate them well since I've lost the wt (i think it was the wt loss). I only used them 30 days then I went off them. I'm considering trying again. Asking for a smaller dosage. Maybe I can handle any side effects if it's less dosage.
I hate the idea of adding a pill - right now I only use a vitamin and a sleeping pill. Without sleep it was worse, being tired and stressed. Sharon is right - Ambien CD is not the greatest thing, but better than nothing. Lunesta left such a horriable after taste. Made food taste spoiled and would actually gag me at times.
After my GBsurgery I was sooooo glad to drop the diuretics, BP meds, hormones, etc....in winter I still use Celebrex for my arthritis. Without it (due to the cold) I wouldn't be able to move. But I'm having trouble coping and I realize it, just am not sure what to do about it. I'm a nurse - I'm supposed to know. That's what everyone thinks. That I know. But I don't. I don't. No one seems to realize that.
Maybe therapy? Perhaps seeing a professional. It always helps to have someone to talk to. The majority of stress comes from my dad's situation. My brother and sisters are not capable of helping. Well that's not quite fair - my one sister lives so far away, she's not able to be here. I know she would if she could, but until recently even she was not in any shape to help - had problems of her own, but is getting better. Some days I'm glad for her, truly am glad, but other days I'm resentful of them all. It must be nice to only have to think of yourself.....thank goodness my DH and my kids are great. Yes, my DH and DD's. They are typical family and could drive you crazy - but it's the kind of crazy you can deal with. Normal stuff. Not the crazy stuff that makes me what to cry, scream, shout, throw things....just rage at the world at times. I feel guilt, sadness, helplessness, and frustration. Most could have been avoided if my dad just had a backbone. Would do what's necessary. But he can't. Or won't. I don't know what goes on in his mind.
It's times like these when I miss my mom and that fact that she ran their world. I guess I'm just selfish because I know that if she were alive, I wouldn't be in this position right now. That's not the way I'm supposed to miss her - that's pitiful. It's just my mood today. Too much rain I think. Makes me depressed I guess.
I've a lot to be thankful for. I try to remind myself of that. I've done well with keeping off my weight. It's hard and some days even harder. I hover around 175 most of the time. I doubt I'll ever lose the last 25 that I should. But 101 lbs is nothing to sneeze at. I worked hard to get here.
Gastric Bypass is NOT the easy way out that ignorant people will assume. But it also is not wt loss choice that should be made by those seeking an easy solution. That's the wrong reason to select it. Insurance company's should make it hard to get it approved, and easy approvals for follow up abdoninalplasty's and excess skin removal. They have it backwards. That's both my medical professional opinion as well as patient opinion.
Since I've quit the gym (due to time and money constraints) and stopped teaching the gastric bypass "reality segment" of the classes at work, I find it even harder. Some days I kid myself into thinking that I don't need the support. But that is wrong. I DO need and always WILL need the support.
DH is not doing well. He eats more and more without realizing it. Makes no effort some days to curtail his eating. I don't know where he puts it except into that balloon that's developed behind his new smaller stomach. Well, it's 2 yrs old now - no longer "new". He's gaining and turns a blind eye to it. He went thru a lot - almost lost his life - with the surgery, to only lose 80 lbs. He had more than 1/2 to go, another 70 lbs. But he did develped problems, like the outpouching. He also was one of the unlucky 10% that the surgery doesn't help. The insurance company has turned down his revision. He doesn't seem interested in appealing it as he should. Myself and the surgeon can only do so much. He has to help himself. But his problems right now are small compared to other stuff going on.
I planned a vacation for myself, my best friend, and my SIL. We leave in about 30 days. I hope it will be the break I need. The break that will perhaps keep me from going crazy.
The money will be tight. But we'll be fine. I paid for over 1/2 SIL's trip as a gift. I have it planned down to just about the last penny. I'm good at budgets especially when I have to be. DH had been a good sport over this being a girls only vacation. Of course I didn't give him much choice.
I feel lost some days. Unsure where to go from here. I realize that I only feel this way when thinking of my dad. I am feeling unprepared to make decisions and yet he doesn't want to make decisions without me giving him advice first. I have to tell him his options tell him my opinion, explain the pitfalls or benefits, then allow him to decide. He's the sort that will always be influanced by whatever strong personality is talking to him at that moment. If only.....but hindsite....
Dad needs me, MIL calls with needs, my aunt now is asking me to help, when does it end? I lost my job - not that I wanted to work anyway. Can't do floor work with hand braces on. I've quit 2 volunteer positons, one teaching (which I enjoyed) and one on a committee (wasn't going anywhere anyway). I want to give up another committe positon, but people are guilting me into staying. No that's not right, I'm ALLOWING them to guilt me into staying. That's wrong - I need to leave, to give it up. I know it will make me happier in the long run. I'll have to make a decision and soon. That's the fair thing to do for both myself and that committee. How can I do a good job when I'm such a mess? It also is a very unpopular committee and very stressful at times. We're not well liked in the community. That makes me sad to know that people don't like me simply because of a stupid committee I serve on.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being every thing to everyone. I want to be me, for me. I want to be me for my DH. I want to feel like "me" again. It's been a long time. Over a year since I feel like the world as I knew it changed. The signs were there had I bothered to pull my head out of the sand. I am betrayed - to know that someone I was told I could trust, betrayed my father and my family in this horriable way. That's the crux of it. Guilt. To know I allowed this to happen by giving up some control. The thought makes me sick. But I just couldn't do it all. The lawyers say it's not my fault. It's not my dad's fault. This person planned this - took advantage. But things will never be the same, will they? The guilt is horriable some days. It's unrealistic for me to think this way...but there it is. Guilt.
I thought this would make me feel better. All it's done is make me cry. Perhaps I should get my feeling off my chest more often. Can't hurt. A happy pill couldn't hurt either! LOL.
Tomorrow is a new day. Thank goodness.