Would have been my dad's 80th b-day.... I celebrated his b-day and New Years Eve with my brother and sister and our families.

I wish all of you health, happiness and peace for 2009 and always!

since my dad's passing. It has been difficult but I am surprised at how well I am doing. I really thought I would be a depressed emotional wreck... but I am doing ok. I miss him very much. I am so glad he is not suffering anymore. I guess that is what gets me thru it all.. Knowing he doesn't have to fight cancer anymore.
I have been sick for some time now. I have been on an antibiotic for a week... with no relief. I have to schedule a catscan for my sinus cavity this week.

It has been raining here forever. I can't really recall a total sunny day. That doesn't help either... being so gloomy outside.

Not really much more to write. I am now going to take a nap.
I hope all of you are doing well!!

You are so very kind and I am very lucky to have all of you. I really am.

It has been very difficult. Which I am sure a lot of you can understand.

When my dad passed and they let me, my sister and brother sit with him for several hours was one of the best moments in my life. The most saddest... but I don't know how to explain it.

I don't know why I am feeling this way... but the cremation part is really bothering me. I know it is what he wanted. Never had a problem with it until we sat with him and it hit me that his body is going to be burned to ashes. I just can't let go of it.
I am hoping this feeling will pass. It is a struggle for me right now.

Friday.. we will have the family/friend visitation. 9 am until 11 am. Taps will be played while 2 Army reps fold the flag and hand it to my mother.

If Memorial day is warm and sunny... we will spread his ashes where he requested. If not... hopefully it will be warm and sunny by father's day.. and we can do it then.

My dad did not want ANY service... but he had many friends and wanted them to have a chance to pay their respects.

I just want the endless void and empty feeling to go away.
I know time will lessen the pain and all.. but I just can't believe he is not here anymore.

My father passed away. We were able to stay with him until 11pm.

Thank you for all your prayers.

My mom called me this morning to let me know that my dad will be moved by ambulance to the hospital hospice. I feel as if the partial weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

When I was there last night.. the hospice nurse told me that he couldn't get any blood pressure reading from my dad.

He hasn't eaten in a long time and he is so tiny and so confused and he sleeps all the time.
I hope his suffering ends soon... But at the same time.. him being gone... is going to be the most hardest things for me to accept.

11:00 pm: They are giving my dad 18-24 hrs. It has been a hard day. However, the people at the hospice are fantastic.

that is what I am feeling. The meeting with the social worker actually went well. We all agreed on a planned system and my mom is doing ok and not being difficult.

I don't think my dad has much time left. His blood pressure is not palpable. He lost another lb since yesterday. He doesn't want us to leave. He seems to be fearful of being by himself. He is showing all the signs of death creeping around the corner.

The hospice nurse keeps in steady contact with me. They were there this morning and called me on my cell as I was heading down there. They call everytime they visit with my dad .
I need to go to bed. I have much to do tomorrow in this life here... before I go back to be with my dad.

Thank you ladies for keeping me strong with your prayers!

My dad has 2-4 weeks. Not only is this news making me want to puke. The hospice nurse called to tell me the concerns she has about my mom and being very difficult. She needed assurance that someone will be there when his health declines to where he needs 24 hour supervision. I told her I would stay with him.
We meet with the social worker tomorrow at 10 am at my parents house.

Thank you so much for your prayers and well wishes. It does comfort me. Not to be selfish... but could you please continue to do so.... my mom is making things very difficult... and I just want my dad to have some kind of peace and I don't want him to feel as if he is a burden to anyone...She has made his life difficult as it is.. His death should be as calm and carefree as possible.

My dad is losing his fight. Hospice came today. I am hoping to have his wheelchair by Friday because when I saw him last night he said he wanted to see the river again. I am hoping to wheel him on the bike path he loved to walk on by the river. I thought I would be ok.. I am not.. I'm just not.

My son and I are just getting over the stomach flu that hit us out of nowhere Saturday morning. The only positive thing about the whole ordeal is that it was during the day and not in the middle of the night.

I am going to call my dad today to check in on him. My sister went to see him Saturday. He must think that I fell off the face of the earth.

I will do my best to catch up on all your journals... but for now... I have to catch up on house work and laundry!

I have been losing track of my days. Why? Have no clue.
My dad was discharged yesterday. He has his heart medication. They did put in the permanent tap... and there was one more thing... but I can't recall it right now.
He is the same.He looks horrible.

On a happier note. It has been getting warmer everyday. Tomorrow it could hit 80.

I hope all of you wonderful ladies are doing well!!!
Again... thank you for your support! You are all wonderful!

went to have his procedure done today to place a permanent tap in his abdomen. Well.... his heart rate shot to over 200 beats per minute and they rushed him to the er. After a 1/2 hour of iv drugs... it came down to an acceptable level. They are admitting him into the hospital.. My mom said they are running a bunch of tests and they are looking to see how much fluid is a round his heart. I will go down tomorrow.

I will update when I can.

my dad is becoming someone I really don't know. His spark is fading. He really didn't talk much and kept closing his eyes. No tv on to watch all his baseball games. No smile... painfully thin yet his abdomen in enlarged and his ankles look like honeydew melons. I just talked with him and held his hand. He didn't want to eat... But he wanted ice to chew on.

I will catch up with your journals a little later... I have to go do a couple of things!!

Thank you all for your well wishes and prayers. It helps me cope ALOT!

I am going to see my dad. He is in a bad way and I need to some how cheer him up.

Not much really happening. There will be a lot of huge changes coming up in my life... but I will get to that when the time gets closer.

My dad will have a permanent tap placed in him this week because he is filling up faster then they can tap him. He amazes me as to how he is holding on. He is so tired and in pain and winded... but he still continues. He is an amazing man.

I go to my gyno for my yearly visit... mind you.. I am suppose to go every 3 months... but NOT! So, I will have to hear his mouth when I get there on the 21st. I am behind on my mammogram.. My Dexascan..My bloodwork.. Hopefully, I will stay on track this time.

My wrist is doing well.. However... it reminds me loud and clear when it is not happy... or I used it in a way I shouldn't have.
I had slacked off on doing the elliptical... but in the last month on Mon - Wed and Fri... I do the elliptical for 30 minutes and go on a 4 mile walk with my g-friend with my 10 lb weighted vest. Tues and Thurs... I do 3 miles on the elliptical and sometimes 45 min of weighted yoga. So, I am getting back into my routine. I had slacked off for about a month... just doing it every so often...

That is about it. Like I said... nothing really happening here.
Hope all of you are doing well! HUGS!

Merrells... They rock... I think the regular Merrells start at 75.00 and they go to 120.00 I bought them at Nordstrom.
I would HIGHLY recommend these to anyone looking for a great sneaker. Privo's are good... But they are no where near the comfort of Merrells.
Also... if you don't want to pay the price.. Number 2 on my list is Easy Spirit. They have a sling back sneaker I own... but I could not find that model sneaker anywhere... so I bought the Merrells.

Thanks for all your well wishes for my dad. The water pills are not working.. so he will be tapped again Monday at 10 am. They will check the fluid again to see if cancer is present. It wasn't in the last biopsy.. but I am guessing everytime he gets tapped they will check. I think his body is just starting to shut down. He has put up a great fight... but he was diagnosed at stage 4 from the get go... so, I think he and his body have had enough. This may sound horrible... But I am kind of ready to let him go. I can't stand the suffering he is going through and wondering when I am going to get the call. I love him deeply... But he has had enough.

Noni... you were right. I needed to give my hand more time. It is feeling much better now. The swelling is down... I have some pain and odd feelings... but MUCH better then just 3 days ago.

I went to my friends father's viewing Sunday evening. It was sort of a surprise that he passed a way. I have to say... it was a very upbeat viewing.. It wasn't the type where you feel like you had to walk on eggshells...
Going to movie night Thursday. I bought No Country for Old Men. Everyone has to bring an appetizer or their favorite dish of whatever.

My dad's health still continues to decline. Today he told me he wanted to walk in front of a cement truck... I try and be as positive as possible... but he knows... he just knows.

I bought the best pair of sneakers ever. I do the elliptical.. Love to walk and hike. I despise sneakers that are meant for walking, hiking or what not.. Because they are clunky, big and heavy. Well... these are like walking on clouds.. They are light... meshy and leather..very pliable.. contour to YOUR feet after about 15 minutes wearing them... The contour will change as your feet change everyday i.e. swelling... They were worth 110... I am now going back to buy them in the blue.... You can walk over rocks... jagged terrain... your feet will never feel it. LOVE THEM!!!!

Thank you ladies for the comfort. I really needed it!

On Friday,my dad had 3.4 liters of fluid removed from his body. They are going to biopsy the fluid to see if it is the cancer or something new to add to everything else he is suffering from. I called him this morning and he is really down and not feeling well. His nurse will be there at noon.
I am at the point to where I can't stand to see him suffer anymore. I try to give him pep talks everyday.. It use to work... but I can't even get a laugh out of him anymore. But at least we still have our conversations and I am glad he feels he can tell me everything. It saddens me to hear his fears and trying to recall things that some I can help him with and other things...like the Korean War... I can't. It aggravates him that his memory is more than fading.I try to remember his war stories that he use to tell so I can try to refresh some if his memory... but I can't recall all the places and names.. anyway...

I don't know what I was thinking about doing the deQuervain's release surgery... Holy cow... It's a wreck. It is not healing like I thought and my orthopedic doc that I love..I am finding myself to be quite angry with him right now. I feel as if I was not told the whole story before this surgery. The mass is still there that was there before the surgery. I would be able to move my thumb without all the pain. NOT! My thumb cannot move at all to the left. The lump is HUGE. The incision is purple and bruising and sore.

On the happy side... yes, I do have one... I am so glad we sprung forward... I love that it stays light out for much linger!! My girlfriend and I shopped 'til we dropped yesterday.. It was great just being in the sun and walking.

I am looking forward to hiking weather. My girlfriend and I get together and hike for majority of the day. Frt. Washington has the best rugged trails for it!!

I am so sick and tired of no communication yet EVERYONE expects you to have ESP! If I could read minds I would be a millionaire!

My sister sends me an email this morning saying that she is going to my dad's appt with my mom. We had agreed this past weekend that if my mom wanted us to go. I would meet my sister at her work and go to his appt with him. Yesterday,my mom said no that she didn't want us to come that they would be ok... and so on.
LASTNIGHT... my mom tells my sister that she wants her to go. No one calls me... So, in her email my sister says.... Well, that is how our family is. No one asks for help...But at least I will be there. Well.... I would have been there... if gee... someone would have communicated with me. Can't do a thing about it now since I live 45 minutes away!
I am FUMING! That isn't even a strong enough word!

Ok... had my hand surgery. I have 4-6 weeks without heavy lifting or strenuous pressure on my hand. Had the wrappings removed the day after surgery. It is healing nicely... However... when they were putting the IV in my left hand... I had questioned them because my hands are very bony and didn't think it was a good idea. Turns out I was right. I will have it cast when I go back Friday for my next re-check. Theyhad fractured a bone and my left hand looks like someone smashed it with a baseball bat.

My mom called me today to tell me my dad is doing very bad. He is retaining so much water and she now how to buy him sweat pants because his abdomen is so swollen as are his ankles. His cough is constant now and she says he barely eats. I think she is getting scared and I can't blame her. I will be anxious to hear what his Oncologist says on Thursday.

I haven't been here in a long time. However.. I am stressed and writing helps me through the stress.
My father was released from the hospital after a week in CCU.
He has a bleeding ulcer, needed a transfusion and has very low oxygen saturation. He hasn't has chemo 4 months today. He was suppose to go but he canceled. He is depressed. He is on oxygen and I think he is starting to let his depression take over. He his house bound and that will kill him alone. He is an outdoors person. He loves to walk. He hasn't done that in months.

I am having my hand surgery tomorrow for DeQuervain's. He also found a lump on the base of my forefinger but he wants to
use the cortisone shot first to see if it helps... if not... then remove it. I will need to have therapy for about 3-6 months to regain use of my thumb. My thumb has been stuck for about a year. So, it will be strange to actually have a thumb that can move and I can actually grip something.

My subscription runs out on 10-6. I will not be returning to hystersisters as I find myself becoming so busy anymore... that I haven't had time to read any journals or to come here anymore. I received my email today saying that my time to renew is now.
Anyway... I want to wish all of you well. You have beeen a great support system for me and for that I will always appreciate each and every one of you.
My dad just completed 6 weeks of radiation... no new growths.. but no shrinking either. His Oncologist is giving him a couple of weeks off chemo because my dad is becoming tired and having a lot of discomfort. I know the inevitable is just around the corner... I am trying to deal with it.
Take care and keep well my sisters.. Maryann