i've been wanting afreezer for so long...it fits my shopping style. my parents decided they didn't need their old freezer and felt i could use it more with the kids getting bigger and eating more and more and more and more. so we finally got it last week. i cleaned it out really good and turned it on...it d'esn't get cold!!! all that trouble of hauling it 30+ miles and getting it downstairs for it not to work. now we have to search for a new freezer...cuz the bills for finishing off the basement are high enough. oh' well.

wow, i'm really bad about keeping up to date aren't i????

my eldest brother just went off to Iraq on tuesday. he should be "on holiday" for 6 months. i was so happy to get time off of work to see him off. it really made me feel better hearing him say "it's just another trip". he has always been my hero and this just proves why. i'm sure he was scared about leaving for that long and being over there for that long but he made it sound so simple and easy to keep us calm. he kept saying that this was his job and it's what he's trained to do. i know that and i know he will do his job well, but i'm just worried abit about all the idiots who want to hurt him and all the other soldiers over there. but i feel alot better after seeing him and seeing his plane and seeing his fellow crew members. i know he will be safe and well looked after.

my little bro had his first child a girl. her name is Ava and she's a darling. i've waited all this time to be an Aunt and now it's happened twice within 6 months. the famine is over!!!

Nora was born yesterday at 1:10 pm weighing in at 7lbs 11oz and 21" . i thought i would never be an aunt. my seester doesn't want children, my eldest brother is making the military his life and my younger brothers are just too young and unmarried for kids. well, got word last year that i was finally going to be an aunt by my step bro Chris and then a few months latter i found one of my younger bro was expecting a child as well. i will be an aunt again in July but for now i am an Aunt of one!!

i can finally send off the dress i made for her that's been taking counter space. i believe i put it in my photo album on the site...check it out. this is the second time i made one of these dresses. the first was for a friend of mine who was having her first child. i'm making a blanket for my other niece when she comes.

i'm sooooo happy to be an Aunt!!

from the time the ladies came out and begun singing till the time the show was over, we laughed our fannies off. my mother was dying with laughter. their were times when your hand covered your mouth and your head shook with disbelief over what was being sung about but through it all you had tears from all the laughing. we loved it!! it was creative how they took old songs and made them new. i will never hear them the same again. there were a few males in the audience which the actors took advantage of. they flirted with them and made them part of the act. at the end each actor went around and invited members from the audience up to form a chorus line. my mother and a few of the ladies went up on stage. they were given a button afterwards as a reward. i think i was the youngest there, i know from my group but i also think of all the ladies too. it was funny how my group asked me how i felt about what was in store for me...not lookin forward to it all. i fear the hot flashes.

if the show comes to your neck of the woods...GO SEE IT!!!

today we are finally going to go see the show that had been canceled last month due to the incrediable amount of snow that fell. it will be nice to spend some time with mom and her friends. i get along with a few very nicely, the others never really liked me cuz i think they were afraid that if they did their children would end up becoming freaks with their hair dyed and nose pierced and whatever else they were frightened of back in the day. oh, well, who cares their lost not mine.

while DH was out dropping my car off to get fixed (nothing major just a recall) my ds spilled the beans that they stopped at a jewelry store and got something for me. now i'm wondering if i'm getting my 10yr ann ring? i've been teasing him since we've been married that in 10 yrs i get this fabulous ring with huge rocks and all that shine. but since we're finishing off the basement and since he is taking me to CA i told him i really didn't need the ring. i wonder if he's still goingto get it and present it to me while the Cocteau Twins preform? he proposed to me at their show 11 yrs ago. how romantic would that be..... for the cost of it all i hope he doesn't, though. but if he does, i think i will cry like a baby and jump for joy and probably pee my pants (if i'm hydrated enough). i'm smiling just at the thought of it all.

Dear Sweet Lovely Hubby is taking me to CA to the Coachella Festival ( www.coachella.com ) this year for my v'day gift and our 10 yr anniversary. he planned everything out with my family over 2 weeks ago. my seester is watching the kiddies and my dad is taking us to and from the airport. he even went so far as to have my seester purchase the concert tix so i wouldn't see any emails or bills.

this year Nine Inch Nails will be there as will Bauhaus (great live performance) New Order (never seen) Coldplay (DH likes) and the Cocteau Twins among a huge HUGE list of other bands over a 2 day period. the main reason why DH decided we needed to go was the fact that C.T. was going to be there. when my DH proposed to me it was on the way to see the Cocteau Twins. that was 11 yrs ago and this is their first tour since. our wedding song was also a C.T. song. he felt it was like fate that we go, it was a must. it will be awesome to see them again and to relive that magical moment...i hope they play our song. i am soooo stoked in seeing NIN. they have a new album coming out 2 days after the show so it will be neat to hear the new music live before on cd.

i'm also excited about being able to go to CA. i have never been there and am curious about all the glamour and fast life she has compaired to the back woods of Ohio. i'm a bit uneasy about having to spend 2 days in the desert for the concert. i'm worried that it'll be too darn hot and i'll pass out. i'm gonna buy these special cropped cargo pants that help keep you cool. i hope they work.

i'm also excited that i might be able to meet DH's high school buddy. DH grew up in CA and his friend (s) still live there. i hope he gets time off and comes down. he's a huge Nails fan, too. i would love to hear some stories about DH when he was younger from the one who helped cause all the trouble. it should be interesting.

i'm soo looking forward to this 4 day vacation. it'll be nice to have my DH all to myself!!

everything looked good. the tech is to show the results to dr. and then i will know whether or not i will need any more ultrasounds done in the future. the tech thinks that it just me ovulating...

boy, it's been a long time since i've had a entry. not sure why i haven't just guess i haven't had time.

today i go in to have another ultrasound done on my right ovary to see what's goin on with the cyst that was detected there in dec. it took forever to get the results to the correct doctor. but when i got them to her she made an appointment to have another look at it. hopefully, it will be nothing. i'm going to ask them if they can test my hormone levels while i'm there. i'm so sick and tired of all my hairs on my chiney chin chin. they seem to be migrating up my face now---AUGH!!!! plus, i think my breakouts are due to an imbalanced hormones too.

i've been doing really good with my workouts. i've been keeping to my routines even when i really don't feel like working out, i do. i haven't noticed any weight loss but i can see my tummy going flatter and i notice a bit more curves forming. i haven't measured myself yet to see if i've lost any inches...i will do that at the end of this month. whenever, i'm downstairs working out i play music. i never get to play my stuff too often cuz i don't drive much in the car and when i'm home dh or the kids are listening or watching tv. so it's nice to hear some of my old stuff. dh just bought me the re-release of TIB by The Cure. has some quite interesting demos of released and unreleased songs. not much to work out to, though. i prefer NIN, Ministry, S.P. or even the Killers have been good. i tried to play my old (OOOLLLLDDD) tapes but they are too tight and won't play at the right speed. too bad i've got some great comps of techno and 80's mixes.

my daughter has decided not to go to the calling hours. we will just say a prayer here for Mrs. U's family and remember some of the fun she and my dd have shared.

dh bought the kiddies gameboys. he says they are for their birthdays. i don't think that they need any more electronic game systems but he said with all the traveling that will be done this year they should have them. oh well, at least they're happy.

we got the estiment from Lowe's of the cost for supplies that we will need to finish off our basement. i can't believe the difference in cost from materials and labour. i know it will take us longer to do it ourselves but with how much we will be saving it will be worth it.

first thank you's to all my seesters who offered their advice about whether or not my dd should attend the calling hours for her teacher. i will ask her tonight what she wants to do. the calling hours are tomorrow...from 3-9. what a hard time this will be fore her family; 6 hours straight. i am told it will be an opened casket, that Mrs. U. has a very nice wig so that part will look the same. i'm worried about how gaunt she will be. my dd has never seen the effects of cancer. i will prepare her for it if she decides to go. i found the most beautiful card to send to the family. verse wise it says alot of how i perceived the teacher (as a caring, thoughtful and loving person who enjoyed life) and it is simply gorgeous!! the family is asking instead of flowers for donations to the sports boster club, which Mrs. U. was a membr of and supported.

i found out late friday night that my brother's girlfriend was being sent to Afganistian on saturday. my brother, also a Marine, is suppose to be sent to Iraq. i would imagine to hear news about this within the next week or 2 at most. i like my bro's girlfriend. i think they work well with each other. i really feel for her(not just cuz she has to deal with my bro) cuz she has 3 kids under the age of 5 who she left behind. they are being watched by her mother so i know they are being well takened care of but it still has to be hard to leave them behind and not see them grow for the next 9 months. i'm sure she'll get lots of pictures and boxes of love from them. i'm waiting for her mailing address...i will send her letters and boxes of love and support.

we canceled our trip to see the show since it's was snowing so hard. at times all you could see today was white. it was amazing!! there is prob over well 7 inches out there for sure by now. my mom didn't want me driving in this weather so we cancelled. we might try to see it this Tuesday but we will go see "menopause the musical". was kinda relieved but a bit sadden. i was really looking forward to be spending some time with my mommy.

my DD's 2nd teacher died Friday morning. she was an awesome teacher and a very very nice person. she was one of those teachers who will forever be loved and remembered because she honestly cared about her job and her students.

last year before winter break she went to the doctors about a headache. it was the weekend of the winter program that her class was in. the doctors preformed emergency surgery to remove a tumor in her brain. she did chemo and had more surgeries throughout the year but it's didn't help. i was told a few weeks ago that she was given 2 months...she was very weak, in pain and often didn't recongize her own family. i told my DD that she wasn't doing well and that she should write to her (she sent letters to her teacher several times a month) and let her how much she misses her teacher and loves her. i only hope that her teacher heard these words of love and that it helped either her teacher or her family.

i'm debating whether or not to take my DD to the calling hours. she is very upset about her teacher's death, but i'm not sure if going to the calling hours would help or hurt her. i hope the school has a memorial for her. then maybe, the younger children could say their goodbyes in a more peaceful and familiar setting. they are having grief counsolers there on monday to help out. from 3rd grade on up, all the students have either had this teacher or knew of her from activites or her own children.

what a sad time for our community. we lost such a wonderful person and such a caring teacher.

we're suppose to be dumped on tonight and tomorrow. everyone was hitting the grocery store today. very busy. it kinda sucks cuz tomorrow i'm going to see Menopause the Musical with my mommy and we have to go to cleveland to see it. what a messy drive that will be...i hope the roads won't be too bad and that people will be respectful of the conditions.

i was spoiled over the weekend by DH. i was having some problems withmy feet hurting during my workouts so i opted to bite the bullet and spend some cash on myself for a good pair of shoes. i just don't understand why converse are good for working out??? any how, i found this pair that fit well and felt good and i was okay with spending $50 on them. then DH came along with another pair that felt even better which i agreed to get. then i saw the price $90....omg!! but i had already agreed on them and he made me buy them. i felt so bad for the price but yesterday during my workout...my feet felt soooooo good!!

i also got a Hoover steam vacuum. i'm looking forward to using this baby. i have been using my mom's but her's finally is dying. i told her i would buy the next one and she can use mine. i got a 4 yr extended warrenty on it so if it dies before then i should get a new one. they really don't last long and with the amount of use this will be receiving i'm sure it was die. i also got a bissel hand held steam vacuum for the little treats the kitty cats leave for us. my one kitte Keelie get sick often from hairballs or upset tummy so it was vital that i got this machine. i was surprised and please at how easily it cleaned up old spots, dried out spots and new spots. i didn't even use detergent just water.

funny how spending money on my house or houseware items i'm okay with but spending just a few on myself and i have major issues. i hope that doesn't say anything about my self worth. i think it just says i like to provide to and for my family first.

i will be scrubbing carpets this week....so excited ...can't wait to play with my new toy!!

yesterday afternoon, the sherrif dept delivered a letter to everyone in the neighborhood stating that there is now a sexual offender living within our development. i'm soo discussed that the family who originally leaving there would allow such a disgusting and sick man to live in our neighbor which is full of little children. just about everyhome has 1-3 children under the age of 8.

we are the type of neighborhood who held block parties and other seasonal celebrations annually. i'm so P.O.-ed by this i want to scream!! my neighbors & i are now afraid to let our kids out to play. we are always with our childen when they are outside and we keep a close eye on all the children in the neighborhood, actually. some however do not, which scares the crap out of me.

there is one family that i know of who doesn't watch their children closely and they actually live 2 houses down from this sick man. god, i hope those children are kept better now after receiving that letter. i had a good long talk with my kids about the letter and showed them the foto of that sick, sick man.

i reminded my kids what they should do if they ever get approached by him (any person really), and how they should always say NO if someone is trying to touch them or makes them feel uncomfortable in anyway. what an aweful fear to install to children so young. but speaking from experience, they need to be protected and they need to be taught that they can stand up for themselves even to adults. they have the power and they can control a situation when they feel unsafe. i told them i will do everything that i can to protect them but that i needed their help too.

please , god , keep my children safe and please protect all the children from such sick people as this man.

this is the 4rth time in a month that the power has gone out. atleast it's still very warm outside so we won't freeze to death. i think the temp outside is still in the 60's. with the howling wind outside i doubt that it will last much longer. just had a thought...i could use the excuse of no power and we could go out to eat. but i do have chicken salad already made up for wrapsbut then again i should leave the fridge door close so it stays cold. hum, what's a girl to do??

i hate using the lap top. i can't type without too many errors. i spend most of my time backspaces to correct misspelled words or misplaced fingers. not sure how long this battery will last either.

i've been good on my exercising. i've been meeting all my daily goals. i do think, however, i need some real workout shoes. my old converse are just not supporting my arches all that well. yesterday, i could barely finish my routine cuz my feet were killing me. now's the hard part do i buy cheap walmart athletic shoes or splurge and buy good name brand shoes. if i splurge i will more thanlikely stick to the workouts since i spent that much money plus have pretty feet. if i go cheap(like i normally do) the shoes might not be any better. i think i'll get my paychecks first and then go from there. maybe there'll be some good sales,so i won't feel so guilty.

*3:15 and the power came back on. guess we have to eat in *

i have never heard or don't remember it ever thundering in the winter. we were eating lunch today and while in the middle of our chili a loud thundering crack scared the poop out of us. the cats ran, my ds and i jumped and dh looked relativly calm. it's thundered several times since. we've also had lots of rain, steady and down pour. the ground in the back yard has been flooding for the past 4 days. thank god, we sit high enough that we don't have any water coming into the basement. our poor neighbors are having a hard time with wet basements. i think when the builders built their homes he took all the top soil away. we knew our builders from church and they barely took any top soil. i think that's why we've been doin' so good. any how, it's rainy and gloomy... a sleepy day. it is however very very warm for the month of Jan. i think it's well into the 50's. it feels wonderful. but by this weekend it will be so very cold. i think it's suppose to snow....AUGH!!! bring on the colds...i have plenty of kleenx.

okay, at work there was a bit of a discussion between men and women. the guys say that it's okay for a man to sleep around but if a woman does it she's a slot(ya know). one guy even said that he figured it all out. since the male anatomy is on the outside he can't have feelings on the inside but since a woman's anatomy is on the inside she can't help but have feelings of nuturing and carring for the man. therefore, the man can have sex just to have sex with whom ever and it's okay. a woman can't have sex without having feelings towards the man. even if she could do it with or without the feelings she is still a slot. huh...that's so sexist.

everything's been good the past week. nothing really stands out. i guess i just got too busy or really didn't have anything on my mind to journal. *note to self...write days topics down* could my loss of memory be related to the awol uterus??

next saturday, i'm going to go see Menopause the Musical with my mom and her friends. i'm sure i'll be the youngest there by like 30 years. should still be fun.

so sad to see it go but i'm sure the memories will stay fresh for a while longer. while i was taking down the tree i realized i never took a picture of it. this year was a new theme for the tree. the kiddies and i made all new homemade ornaments. i think my seester took a picture or perhaps my mom. i would've liked to have had a picture of us in front of it. oops!!

the kids are back in school and hubby back to work. i really enjoy them but sometimes it's just nice to have your own time. i feel too guilty getting on the computer when they're home so i don't write much in the journals or email my friends. plus, when they're home the house gets ignored which in some ways isn't so bac cuz i tend to go over board cleaning sometimes.

can ya guess what i'll be doin on my day off tomorrow...yup cleaning and possibly taking the tree down. sad to see it go since it doesn't really stay up for to long, plus i think it's more work taking it down than putting it up. of course, that'll get done inbetween the many loads of clothes. dd thought she should wear all her new clothes this past week, so now i'm boggled down in clothes, clothes,clothes.

i started working out. instead of rushing into a rough routine i'm starting slow so hopefully i keep with it. today with stretching and jump roping (cardio) i went for 20 minutes. 5 warm up, 10 minutes jumping and 5 minute cool down. i was so happy that i didn't leak anymore when i jump roped. the last time i did (before the hyster and bladder work) i couldn't jump once without peeing abit. oh what a happy day!! it felt good to get my heart pumping with the jumping, it wasn't as hard as what i thought it would be. god, i hope i can keep this up!! i need to for my health and for my family. dh wouldn't survive raising the kids alone if i croaked!!

i figure if i write it down and make it public i may be more incline to hold true to my resolutions this year. so this is what i would like to change or improve of myself.

be a better person in thought, words and actions. i do pretty well with this anyhow but i think it's something everyone can work on and improve.

eat better and exercise. i really need to get more focused on my health. keeping my heart beating well and my bones nice and strong. we eat fairly well but can always improve. i'm thinking of cutting out more of our red meat intake and eating more vegetarian dinners relaying more on tofu (good source of estrogen, too). i will get back to my yoga and forcus more on muscle strength with some weights. i don't really need to lose alot of weight but i would like to just tone up and shed maybe 5 or 7 pounds.

to be a more patient Mother and less of a perfectioness. i'll put these together cuz my impatientness comes from my perfectioness. my house doesn't need to look picture perfect all the time. being able to have more time to play with my kids is more important to them ( and me, too) than having a spotless house. i think trying to stop being so perfect will also help improve building more friendships, too. life is too short and not worth living if i try to keep it up to what i think a perfect life should be like. did that make sense?? o'well, i'll start now and not change it...hee hee.

i'm looking forward to 2005!!

MIL enjoyed her dinner last night. the kiddies ate great, too. they are really good in trying new foods and they're really good about bragging what all they've tried. we went to see "Lemony Snicket's" last night. it was okay. a little too dark for kids. i saw the trailer for Willie Wonka...i'll go see it just cuz i like Johnny Depp (yummy) and i love the original Willie Wonka but i'm not too sure if i'll like it. i think they made Mr. Wonka look too much like Jack Black and Manson...uh okay?? but they fx might be pretty cool. can't wait to see the umpa loomps.

tomorrow we are heading to a neighbors for an early new years celebration. we all have young kids so it won't last long. i'm not sure if we'll continue the celebration when we get home since i have to work the next morning. who knows maybe i'll suffer at work but we're suppose to go bowling with the neighbors sat afternoon so maybe not.

seester left sunday...MIL came last night. i'm glad the kiddies get to see their grandmother. she lives in WI and they don't get to see one another that much. not sure what we will be doing today but tonight we are going to an Indian restuarant for supper. we took his Dad when he was out and he loved it. we're guessing his Mom has never had that type of food before and that she will like it, too. we'll see...

Christmas was wonderful. it's always nice to be with my family. my kids loved their presents. my ds loved his watch and legos. he was building and imagining with the legos before the wrapping paper was cleaned up. he's is also already telling time with his watch (it's a real watch not digital), his kindergarten teacher will be very surprised!! my dd hasn't took off her pink cowboy hat or boots yet!! she loved all her clothes and her new books.

yesterday my seester went back home. i wish she still lived in OH but.... it was her birthday. she hates having her birthday the day after xmas.

today i started at the new store. YEAH!!!! i got transfered!!! what a relief, i thought for sure it wasn't going to happen. everyone at the store was so nice. they all signed a card for me wishing me well. i got so many hugs i think i lost a few pounds from being squeezed so hard. i know several people from the new store and they were happy to see me over, too. it'll be nice to have a fresh new start and a much closer drive.

on Christmas eve i had the most wonderful surprise. my brother came for a very very short visit. i haven't seen him for nearly 2years. he is a Marine and lives in NC. he is often out of the state or country doing his job and me living in OH makes traveling hard. i was so surprised to see him cuz he and his girlfriend(also a Marine) are on their way to Iraq for a 6 month stint. he's had alot of stuff to get done before he goes and he didn't think he'd get the time off but by the grace of god he made it. i was glad to finally meet his new girlfriend and i was especially glad to see that she got to spend xmas with her kid who are being watched by her mother in NY. how hard this must be for her and them.

anywho, it was so nice to hold my brother in my arms and to feel his warmth. it was so nice to hear him laugh and watch his eyes glow as he smiled. it was just nice to be near him...then he left and i fell apart cuz i know where he's going and i'm afraid. the last time he was over there (at the start of the war) he told me his plane was shot at while flying over the mountains. my brother is a loadmaster on the C130's. he's survived the 1st gulf war (while in the Army) and the 2nd war but i'm really afraid for him now. it made it so hard to see him leave this time, all i could think of was that this could be the last time i see him. what an aweful thought to have, but still i had it. the thought lurks in my heart and makes the tears form when ever i think of it. i pray that he's okay and that they both come home safe.

a bitter sweet reunion...

this is the second time this week that the power went out. monday it was out for 3ish hours and today it was out 5ish hours. i think it had to do with the icky weather we've been having. i like the snow but i hate it when there's rain mixed in it. yesterday, i had to shovel the drive and the snow was so heavy from the rain/snow mix. we have a snow blower but i'm too small to control it. whenever i try to use it i just slide down the drive and i can't get it back up the drive. thank god, dh was able to snow blow the drive before he left for work. he left a few hours early just in case it took too long to get there and also in case others couldn't make it, he could start early. i stayed up real late last night waiting for him. i will do the same tonight. it's suppose to snow some more inches, and i want to be up for when he gets home. i worry about him, that he's too tired or that some drunken fool is out there trying to drive home. i would be lost without my hubby.

now that the powers back on i have alot to do and alot of time to make up. thank god , my seester got today off. she's so sweet to offer to help.

we were out rather late last night. we didn't get to the wing place till 6:30 ish then we had to wait for over an hour to be seated. we chose to see in the enclosed and heated porch, to be seated quicker. the wings were awesome but not worth the headache, or atleast i can say that now but at the time well worth the wait. we didn't get home until nearly 11. my poor kids they normally go to bed at 8. good thing they are now on winter vacation. we did have a good time, though.

i'm not sure how i should catagorize my journal. it's all about nothing really, so i'm not sure if i would need to put it in a special catagory. hum????

it's snowing...yeah!!

jus came back from my ds winter party at school. i got all chocked up when my son raised his hand and asked his teacher if he could give his mom a hug and a kiss. how sweet is that?? he's always been so lovingly towards me. he gives me hugs and kisses for no reason. we could be watching tv and he'd get up from the couch and walk over to me just to hug & kiss me. when i was in the hospital after my hysterectomy, it was my son who cried the most. it's sad to say but i've never known howmuch i was loved until that day. my seester drove over 6 hours just to see me and then returned home the next morning. she said she did it cuz she couldn't bear waiting at home and wanted to be with me. dh was a bit upset when she was the first person i saw when i came through. any how, off the subject...

the party went really well. it was neat being able to see my son in action at school. he is doing so much better but needs to improve just a bit with his listening. he is so not afraid to answer questions which is a good thing. the kids liked their craft, some had troubles with cutting but over all they did a wonderful job. we didn't get to play pin the nose on Rudolph so we will play it on Christmas eve as a family. my kids are happy about that.

my seester came in last night. wasn't sure if she'd make it, bad weather and a sick(very old) cat. her dh is staying home with the cat but i'm still going to try to get him to come and bring the cat with him. don't think it'll happen but it's worth a shot. i'll tempt him with the buckeyes i made for him. when ever my seester comes home we always go out for wings, a little tradition. she says she can't find good wings in Chicago like we have 'em here. my parents have been coming with us so it's alot of fun.

i had an appointment today with the urologist to get the results back from the ultrasound that was preformed on my kidneys. i had to cancel it yesterday since i cann't get a referral from a doc to cover the visit. i'm still having a hard time getting my insurance to cover the visit from 02 Nov to remove the stent that the urologist put in from my surgery. apparently, i needed to have a referral to have the stent removed. shouldn't that be an automatic...i mean if he put it in shouldn't it be a given that he will take it out and that he HAS to take it out. anywho, that's not the point really right now.

the urologist's office had just called me telling me i missed my 11:50 appointment...it's now after 2pm. i told the lady that i had canceled and she said no i didn't. whatever! i told her i requested that the nurse give me my ultrasound results over the phone. who ever this lady was she gave them to me. she said my kidneys looked fine and so does my bladder but that there is a cyst on my right ovary. i remeber my orginal gyn telling me that when he preformed the hyster. he didn't seemed worried about it so i thought nothing of it. this lady told me that she was going to fax the results to my family doctor so that he could get a look at it and go from there. interesting, why not send it to my present gyn? i've never went to our family doc, i think i'll give him a call next week and see what's up and if i can have this matter sent to my gyn. i like my new gyn and believe she will take good care of me. not that our fam doc wouldn't take good care of me but i'm very hesitate on male doc now since the prob i had with my old gyn.

just 2 more days left of my vacation. i'd better get started on the last of my baking. i have yet to clean the house, which needs to be done really well so next week i don't have so much to do. it's better to work hard this week so all i have to do is maintain next week before the guests come. my horiscope said not to put things off today, so i don't have to rush with my projects tonight. good advice, so what am i doing...emailing, journalling and posting. uh, maybe i should get started.
i was thinking of letting my dh have her best friend spend the night but i think it'll have towait. i bet they would enjoy it more if after xmas so they could play with the new toys. tomorrow the kiddies have a birthday party to go to, then we are going to see the light display at the zoo. we have season passes, so i make it a point to go often. this will be our first time seeing the lights. i hope it isn't too cold.
okay, i took the last sip of coffee and now it's time to start working.

almost done with the cookies. i only have 2 more types to make...thank god!! my mom's date nut pinwheels turned out okay. i don't really like them but atleast they're not terrible. but she will be the judge of that i guess. i called my dad and was tempting him with his chocolat chip cookies, telling him that they werestill hot and was wondering if he was wanting any. he said he'd have to wait cuz he wasn't feeling good and didn't want to give the kiddies his cold. i could find any coloured mini marshmallows so i had to use the plain this year in the marshmallow cloud cookie. i'm sure ds will gobble them up anyways. i set some aside to take to the school for his winter party. i'm also bringing the sugar sprinkled sugar cookies, too.

i was downstairs wrapping my ds gifts while hubby was upstairs with him giving him his lunch or so i thought. i was busy wrapping and be bopping to the music (not xmas, i think it was Snoop Dogg or something like that from the station). anywho, i heard something at the top of thestairs. i thought it was just one of the cats so didn't bother to look but something told me to and when i did i saw my ds trying to get a better look at what i was doing. i screamed for him to go up stairs!! i don't think he saw much cuz he didn't ask why or what i was doing. he is the last to believe in Santa and i'm not sure how long i have left of this with him. when he came home from school he still didn't ask any questions...whew, i think i'm safe.

dh went to the store with me this afternoon. he so wanted to leave and made me hurry. i hope i got what i need. i have a feeling i'm missing something/someone and i will have to go back when it's REALLY going to be busy. maybe i'll just send him back to teach him a lesson about being patient.
i got the buckeyes made. i was nice enough to leave a couple out for dh when he get home from work. the vulture-like-children have been lerking around the kitchen hoping for scrapes. i let them like the spatula clean. dd wants to help with the cookies. she says she watches me so when she gets older she knows how to make her own Christmas cookies. i told her that i will show her how to make the cookies but for now i need to make these since i have so many to make. i told her that he job is do decorate the sugar cookies and to eat them when she's done. she likes that idea alot.
no snow today...i've been too occupied by my baking, shopping and wrapping to do any dancing. hee hee

i started wrapping up some gifts today. i realized that my dd has way many more than my ds. guess i will be picking up a few things for him tomorrow. my lists keeps growing and growing and growing, good thing dh is coming with me. he hates shopping with me cuz i have to look at everything. i do much better with a list so hopefully i should get out of the store quickly.

i'm going to start on the xmas cookies tonight. my seester's favorites (rice krispie treats) and i'll start on the buckeyes. they always seem to do better if i fridge them for a while then ball and fridge over night. i'll dip 'em tomorrow while my other cookies are fridging. i'm doing a new cookie for my mom (her requested cookie) they're called date nut pinwheels. hope they turn out all right for her.

there's a joke i have with my family and friends that if i do my snow dance it will snow. hee hee the last time i did it was xmas of .02 and we got feets of snow on xmas day. we got so much snow that we had to shovel the drive way 3 times just to be able to walk on it. i'm talking lots and lots of snow. well, needless to say, i didn't do my snow dance last year for fear of the same amout of snow. last xmas we barely had snow covering the ground. i told a friend about my findings and she made me wait to do my snow dance until the week before xmas. so a few days ago i started my snow dance and low and below we are getting hit with snow. early yesterday morning we had green grass now everything is white. my hubby had to use the snow blower this morning so my daughter could get on the bus. hee hee i must be channeling some Indian shaman or something to be able to bring on the snow. hee hee maybe i was a meteorologist in a past life. hee hee

whew, so glad that's done. not that it hurt or that i was uncomfortable just the fact that when the test results come back i will know everything is a okay. i thought the testing would only take a few minutes since that's all it takes when they are looking at a baby but boy was i wrong. i was in there for 45 minutes. she checked my bladder and kidneys when my bladder was full-a bit uncomfortable. then she did the same thing after i used the bathroom. i was amazed at how high up our kidneys are in our bodies. she had me on my side looking at all angles. it was nice to take such deep breaths so early in the morning, too. i'll see the results this friday.

it's snowing. i hope we have a white christmas. i've started my snow dancing...let it snow, let it snow, let it snow (just for christmas day!!)

okay, i've called several parents (most not home) and got some help for my son's kindergarten party. i let him choose the craft were are making a christmas mouse. you take red felt cut out a 6 inch long tear drop shape and cut 2 slits towards the tip (leaving room for a face), then a 5 inch long bow shape out of green felt. put the green felt throught the red felt and you made the body & ears of the mouse. glue on the wiggly eyes and a pom pom nose -the face. to make the tail you take a candy cane and place it between the the joining felt pieces. i cut this out from a magazine some time ago, thinking it would be a fun project to do. i guess i'll find out how much fun it'll be for the kiddies soon. i'm also going to do a "pin-the-nose-on-Rudolph" game, too, just in case there's time. i hope all goes well. scratch one item off my list....

for a person who loves to have a clean house, this new water softener is amazing. i use to have to clean the bathroom faucets near daily from all the calcium deposts but since the softener has been installed i have no spots!! my sinks are smooth to the touch no build up to dull their shine. now i must tackle the shower stall to remove it's build up before i can be amazed with it's gleam. i know it's kinda weird to be excited about such a thing as a shiny faucet but i never want my house to age. i want it to look brand new even when it's 10 yrs old. plus, i'm a virgo and we are perfectionist... besides my house being so clean, the softener is such a welcomed addition in combating the dry winter air. my skin feels soft, my hair is soft andeven the clothes are softer. i wish we would've gotten this yrs ago. great investment!!

it's rainy , foggy and gloomy out. i hope it snows by christmas.

i got to watch that movie last night. what a beautiful movie. makes me wonder who i will meet and why. i hope i get to see my gramps...i miss him. i'm not sure who else. i liked the moral that even though you don't solve some major crisis or illness or anything too wonderful as such that just you being you and loving and helping others is an awesome life to live. somedays i feel incomplete like my life is nothing cuz i don't have a college degree or some status like job but then i'm reminded my value when i look into my children's eyes. when i'm at work my coworkers and regular customers tell me how my smile brightens their day. i know that maybe just me being positive about life and being open to others to hear what they say and how they feel, maybe that's why i'm here and maybe that's my purpose. who knows but it does help relieve those negative thoughts that creep into our heads everynow and then. i think i will always remember that movie. can't wait to read the book...

boy, it's been awhile since i've wrote an entry.

i've been feeling fine...actually wonderful. it's weird but i can hold my um urine in longer than before. i use to have to go all the time or atleast it felt like i did. i wonder if that's because the infected mesh was also irratating my bladder. hubby and i finally resumed our life. it was unbelievable. i didn't have any pain or discomfort...so happy!! it was nice to be able to get into it instead of wishing it would just end. sounds harsh but when it hurts.... sometimes i felt like i was being a good wife and giving him some. anywho, i actually look forward for all the makeup fun that we've lost in the past year.

christmas is sneaking up on me. augh!!! i still have more shopping to do, cookies to make and a christmas menu to create. thank god, i'm on vacation next week. i love it i get released to go back to work; i work 3 weeks and then i'm on vacation. hee hee.

i got a call to plan my son's class party. i had all these awesome ideas and then found out i can only do either a craft or a game. now i'm having a hard time chosing which one to do out of the several i've found. i think i will present them to my ds and see what he thinks would be fun to do.

we're looking to get our basement finished. i hate having another bill but i think it's worse having all that unused space down there. all i think about when i see the figures is next years christmas, the kiddies having slumber parties and a guest room. when it's done it will be awesome and i won't have any problems shelling out the cashola but now it seems hard.

everything went fine at work. i was slightly glad to be back (come this thurs i will be very happy-payday). i'm trying to move to another store which might be difficult cuz someone else has already made the move. i started to feel a bit of doubt but was told some wonderful news from the HR manager of the store i want to move to. she said that although i make too much, the store director wants me to transfer to his store. i have the postition saved for me until the new year. hopefully, this will give my store enough time to find my replacement. to help them in the search i will be contacting my union...can't trust management to get things done. anywho, that bit of news made me smile to hear that FINALLY someone was paying attention to my work.

yesterday was my first day back to work. i asked to go back and the doc asked if i was sure. i'm still puzzled why he would want me to stay out longer. i got a clean bill of health and i don't need to see him again, so why stay out longer. besides dh and i have to wait another week before resumming the FUN!! i need to go back to work just cuz the will power is not so good lately.

doc said that i was healing well. i was still a bit red and swollen with stitches but i looked good. he said since i still had the stitches and cuz they would possibly irratate dh we should wait. he said that there was no damage done to my inside/other organs from the infection. what a relief!! also, that my bladder should do well with just one side being supported by the exsisting mesh. he said that there was scar tissue built up around the urethra that would continue to support it.

i forgot to ask about being able to exersise, so i'm just going to start out slow and listen to my body.

i am sooooooo happy everything worked out and i can stop worrying about my health.

i just got a call from my union saying that they now have my missing FMLA form. i asked if it got lost somewhere there and she said no that they just got it in the mail on friday. it was posted dated the 12th. HUM?????? that's the day after i called my human resource manager asking about the form and if they sent it and such. funny how she told me they sent it weeks ago yet the union JUST received and it was post marked the 12 nov!!! i'm happy they finally received it and i will finally get paid but i'm incrediably upset that i was lied to by my H.R. manager. especially because i was just in there yesterday (having her sign another fmla form) and she said to me that she didn't understand why the union didn't receive the paper that she mailed it to them a few weeks ago. i hate it when people lie. if she forgot to mail it she should just admit to it. i wouldn't be mad, but being lied to really gets me mad. now i don't think i can trust her at all. why are people like this?? i try my hardest not to lie, to own up to my errors, to be as truthful as possible. i wish everyone else would try just the same. o'well, i will finally get a paycheck tomorrow.

hee, hee sounds like i'm a prisoner somewhere but it's more like a sentencing to have to go back to work. i will see my doc tomorrow who will more than likely sign the work release papers. i wish i didn't have to go back but...... it won't be so bad i guess when i start collecting a paycheck once again. i'm still waiting on my sick leave pay. apparently, the 1st form disappeared. usps must have flown over the burmuda triangle or something.

tonight my dd is receiving the lions club award. not sure what all that means or why she is receiving it but still we think that's pretty awesome for a 3rd grader. last week report cards came home and both kids did awesome. dd is on the honor roll (we have a bumper sticker now!!) and ds (kindergarten) had all good marks. i knew he'd do well but i was worried about teacher comments. nothing bad, he has been improving alot during the past month. i'm so proud of both my kiddies!!

we got all our ornaments done. this year we are having a homemade theme on the xmas tree. i was getting tired of the same old same old and thought it might be nice to change it around. plus, it was nice doing crafts as a family. the kiddies still need to make their gifts for everyone but i think we'll do that as the xmas spirit gets stronger. this year i'm asking for everyone to send in their fav cookie. instead of making 20 dif types, i'm gonna make just the requested cookies. i always have too many left over even after i share with work, friends and my mom's open house. i do love making them though, it just wouldn't be xmas without all the trouble.

i am sooo angry, well atleast upset, right now i called my union to see where my sick leave pay was and they said they never received my papers. my dh gave them to my human resource manager well over 2 weeks ago. she said she would mail them in after she filled them out. okay, so i called her to see what happened and she told me she had someone else mail it for her. of course, that person wasn't there to question so now i have to wait until tomorrow to see what they heck is going on.

when i talked to her about the possibility of transfering to another store which i was cleared to do BEFORE i left, she tells me that i am no longer allowed to do so cuz someone else is going and they need me here. what crapola!! she said some speel about that they are looking to find replacements and when that happens i can transfer. that's such BS cuz they've never looked for help for us before so why start now. one way or another i'm getting out of that store.

they care nothing about the workers but expect us to care about them. i really hate that in a company. i'm such the loyal, hard working type who takes pride in her work but they can't seem to see that. they push you and push you down until you snap then they ask why. AUGH!!!

whew, i feel better now....i like this journalling...so does dh it's saves him from me complaining.

i finally won something on ebay. i got 36 books for my dd for just 18.50. that's such a good deal and they are all books she will like, too. i always get outbidded on ebay...i think it's cuz i'm such a mizer with my money. i'm still trying to win some legos for ds. he's 5 1/2 and we think he's ready for legos. he loves to build things. i can hardly believe how expensive legos are in the store. i have a toys r us flyer sitting in front of me to inspire me not to be so cheap when i'm bidding. hopefully, i can get a good collection started for him through ebay.

yesterday, i organized the basement and swept the floors. saturday a contruction crew is coming to look at our basement to see how much it would cost us to have it finished. i originally was gonna have a 3 season porch added on but decided that there was more unused space in the basement that would come in handy when guests come over. i'm expecting alot of family for xmas this year, i could use the extra space this year!! i still need to go through my crafting stuff and weed out the unusable and just to organize it better, too. one day at a time...

my dd had a friend spend the night on friday. it's cute to see how they are now vs how they will be in the next couple of years. i'm not looking forward to the boys, boys, boys attitude they will have...i think i like their little girlness now.

we went to the zoo on sat. the weather was perfect. a nice autumn day. we saw the new animals calledthe fosse...they kinda look like a cat and a dog. i didn't like how they were next to the lemurs and neither did the lemurs. they were howling and scared cuz the fosse are their main preditors.

sunday was lunch with the parents at a romanian church. they mush was so good...i hadn't had any for over 12 years!! then we went to see the Incrediables. it was a very cute movie.

i had some very VERY lite discharge on sat. nothing like before but i still was abit worried. so when i was showering i investigated. i must have been cut wide opened during the surgery cuz i felt stitches right near the opening. i am alot tighter now than before, which hope doesn't become a problem later. and i still have quite a few stitches in there. i haven't passed any yet and now i know why. i see the doc next week...then it's back to work. not sure if i'm happy about that but i'm sure it'll be nice in it's own way.

yesterday's mail was a letter from the elementary school. they stated that my dd was to be awarded with the lion's club award. i think that's sooo cool, my mom had to age my dd too quickly by saying how that will look nice on a collage application. she will be awarded at the board of education meeting in 2 weeks. my seester and her hubby will be coming in from the windy city just for the night (they have no kiddies), my parents will be there and we just found out that dh will have the night off due to veteran's day.

last nigth i got a call from my bro. i've always looked up to this kid since we've became siblings (we're step). but it got weird when he joined the army and became hateful towards women (bad marriage didn't help either). after he completed his time in the army he found civilan life just wasn't for him so he joined the Marines. the Marines have done wonders for him. they brought my hero back. LOVE the Marines!! anywho, my dear bro called me last night to say hi and to find out what the heck's been going on with my health, the kiddies and just to give me a hard time. it made my night to talk to him and to hear him happy once more(just went through another bad marriage). i just found out that he is being deployed to Iraq with in the next month. i know he's not looking forward to leaving since he's just now realized the value of family, but he know he has a job to do. i told him how proud i am of him and i'm thankful for all that he does to keep my family safe. see why he's my hero...he's always been there for me, thinking of me and protecting me. okay gotta go ...i made my self cry.

i feel wonderful!! i was able to do the laundry and do some shopping without having any pains or swelly belly for the first time in 2 weeks. i am so happy and relieved!!

i finally got my stent removed yesterday and i was on t.v. well, actually the inside of my bladder was. the urologist use this scary footlong metal device to remove the stent. it was the circumference of my little pinkie with a light and a camera at the tip of it. i took a deep breath as he inserted it, it hurt a bit but not too bad. as he pushed it in he released some saline, which felt really weird having liquid move in the opposite direction inside the bladder. it was really neat being able to see it all in the t.v. as it happened. i saw the stent in there as well. it hurt a bit when he pulled it out which only makes sense seeing as how it was about 10 inches long. he said it was only in my left ureter since that's where the surgery was mainly being held.

it's amazing how such a little thing could cause so much pain. i'm glad i no longer have blood in my urine, it stopped as soon as the stent was removed. after being filled with saline during the removal i of course had to use the potty. i was shocked that when i went, the fluid was cold. that felt really weird.

i should mention that i had some light cramping after the stent was removed but when it came time to get dressed the cramps went away. i did however take an antibladder spasm pills before going to the docs.

i feel wonderful today!! i slept great last night no pulling or pinching. i've been doing the laundry and haven't had any pain at all. i'm sooo freakin happy!!

i'm soo looking forward in having the stent removed from my ureters. i think after it is removed i will be able to do more. not things that i'm not suppose to be doing just being able to walk without the pain and swelling. i feel bad when i have the energy to do stuff and as a family we go out to do 'em and then we have to go home cuz i'm hurting. dh has been amazing though. he is sooo freaking wonderful.

i got a phone call last night from a private caller (says the caller i.d.) i thought it was another telemarketer for the elections so i pick it up then hung up. a minute later it rang again from the same caller so i picked up ready to hang up again. to my surprise it was my hubby's uncle calling. i explained what i did and he just laughed. he's tired of all the calls as well. anywho, he called to check up on me. apparently, the word is is that i'm not doing well at all. i told him i was fine and that everything is going well. it's funny how things can get so blown out of proportion. my dh's family make everything sound worse than it is. i did think it was sweet that he called to check up on me. i smiled very big. it's nice to know that you are thought of especially when i know his family doesn't care for me all that well.

went to the polls this morning. my ds was there and was able to see how it is done. he even got his own sticker. i hope this election goes well. even if my guy doesn't win, i don't mine just as long as everyone agrees that the winner is the winner. i will be glad when it's all over. ohio needs to get her life back. we've been taken over by the elections, political signs, phone calls, visits, commercials and radio ads. i'm about ready to scream!!!! it's like we've been living in a haunted house for the past fews months. you couldn't go anywhere or so anything without being scared by political propaganda.

last night we went to our neighbors for a halloween celebration. we had a lovely time and i'm quite impress wit my son...he was very good. with all the junk food, candy, soda and other little kids around, he actually behaved himself. i let him know how happy i was with him this morning...he just smiled. we left a bit early from the party cuz i was starting to hurt. after a shower and a percocet i was feeling fine.

tonight is trick or treat. my parents and grandma are coming over to help celebrate. my dd is a glam witch, my ds is going as John Lennon (sargent pepper's loney hearts club band era), while my hubby is the yellow submarine and my mom is going (in my costume)as a blue meanie. i will stay home and pass out candy as a witch. the less walking the better.

i love halloween!!!!!!
......cuz halloween's everyday......bop em bop bop....

i've been having blood in my urine nearly everyday since the surgery (14th Oct). the urologist said not to worry cuz it's from the stents in my ureters. so i've just been taking it easy so to ease the irritation that the stents can cause.

well, yesterday, i started noticing more little blood clots and then as the night progress they got bigger. they ended up being the size of a pencil eraser. this morning there has been nothing. no clots, no blood.

i get this **** thing removed next tuesday. election day!! i can't wait!! then i can start moving around a bit more and walk!! i've gain a few from all the sitting...i don't normal sit still for very long. i must get moving soon!!

this is the first time in over 15 months that i have been able to go without a pad. i finally was able to pack them away in the closet. i have been waiting so long to do that, i'm just so thrilled i can actually do it. i had minimal bleeding after this surgery but i held on to the norm of panty liners until i felt comfortable to give em up. i'm soo happy!! now i just need to wait another month before i can get really happy and have fun with dh. i'm so looking forward to that not just for the pleasure of it but for the feeling of being sexy once more. it's hard to feel sexy when you have a discharge no matter how much you are told you are.

i talked to the urologist's nurse about the blood in my urine. she said that it is to be expected since there is a foreign object in there (the stent in the ureters). they set up an appointment to have the stents removed and for him to give my bladder a good look at.

i never saw him before the surgery. his job was just to put in the stents, but seeing as how the mesh supporting my bladder was infected and had to be removed the uro now wants to evaluate the situation. anyhow, i won't get to see him until
02 Nov. he is booked until then. the nurse said to keep taking the urelle and if i still have that pinching feeling to call and they will send in another prescription.

when i got out of the hospital i felt pretty good like i could return to work but now with the bleeding and how i have twitches of pain from the stent i'm sooooo glad i'm at home. here i can lay down whenever i feel the pain.

i'm still wondering how long i will be out though. i think we'll be okay financially, dh bound to get overtime on sats since they started on the new car. but i hate seeing him work so hard especially when he's going to college on top of it. sometimes i feel like such a lazy leech.

i do believe there is now blood in my urine. i am on this anti bladder spasm medicine which turns my urine a very pretty sea blue but this after noon i noticed that it was there was another colour...dark purplely colour. i waited awhile between doses to get all the blue out of my system and sure enough i have blood in my urine. i'm sure it's from the stents in my ureters so i will call the urologist to have it removed. i'm thinking that is also what's been causing me some pain recently. the antibladder spasm med seems to relieve this pain so i'll keep taking it until i hear from the doc.

last night i watched this program on the discovery channel (i believe) about people who woke up during their surgery. it scared me to think that that does happen and could've happened to me. if i would have seen that program before i had my surgery last week i think i would've needed that valuim.

how awlfull for those people to feel and hear everything that was happening and not being able to move or cry out that they were awake. i never really realize how important the anethesiologist is in the OR. i'm so thankful that mine took such good care of me.

saturday has shown to be a much better day for me. i'm peeing better,more steady flow with just a slight pain. either my bladder is healing or the pills are working. i haven't had a bm yet but i'm finally passing gas. last night i was swelling so much i felt like i was going to burst. i didn't have any gas x so i took some tums. must have work cuz i'm not to swelly today. i was also fighting a fever last night as well. i had a fever of 101.5 which i was told to call if it reached 100. we were just told to take tylenol. but the thing is i was told not to take any because i'm on cipro. we chose to see if it would pass. a few hours later it started to drop down to 99. i shivered the whole night but i'm better now.

the urologist and his intern, the gyno and his intern, the sleeping doc and his intern and 1 nurse makes 7 in the OR. i went in for a vesicovaginal fistula and came home with out half my mesh from my bladder suspension.

they did 2 dye tests to find where i was leaking. they couldn't find any leaking so they went in to clean up the area where they hole was in my vagina. that's when they found i was full of an infection and had a pool of pus. the doctor removed half of the mesh from i belive the left side of my bladder cuz that's what caused my irritation and infection. he thinks either it caused the hole in my vagina from rubbing up against it or the hole was from not being closed up properly from my hysterectomy.

what should have taken 2 hours took 4 hours. i was in recovery for about as long as well. my bladder region is hurting like mad. i'm on cipro (for infection), urelle (for bladder spasms) and percocet (for pain). i'm stilling having alot of pain so i'm going to take 2 not 1 percocets. i'm having trouble urinating...i just trickle and it's very sore feeling. i'm getting a swelly belly too from it all.

hopefully, my noon i will be feeling better and urinating better or i'll phone the doctor or hospital nurse.

i'm not having any discharge or any bleeding which is amazing cuz i got a good chunk of the vaginal wall removed. i still have the stents in my ureters. they shoulb come out when my gyno gives the okay. the uro is waiting for his go. the uro still wants to see me to be sure my bladder will be fine being supported by just one side. as long as i have no more discharge i should be fine.

there's nothing like a nice cup of chicken bouillon and 2 glasses of diet coke at Outback steakhouse. i am thankful that no one ordered the cheese fries or i might've stood up on the table and screamed!!!

i did well considering i was soo hungry and everyones steaks looked yummy. the part that hurt was that everyone shared a dessert. i don't think it was really the dessert i wanted, just the fact that it's fun to eat together from the same plate.

it's also a good thing that just "eating" liquids make you have to pee alot so i could escape to the "sheilas" room often.

when we went to pick up my brother and sister in law, she said that she was happy to be here when i was having the surgery. she said that her and my bro actually wished they would be here for it. i told her that i was glad to hear that and how my mom made me feel bad that it was scheduled when they were in. i think that makes me feel alot better and more at ease over this whole ordeal. she is happy that they finally found what's been going on with me and that i will finally be fixed.

my sister in law is now6 months pregnant and looking so adorable. i loved being able to hold her belly in my hands and say hi to my niece. i so want to be an aunt!!

my sister in law and i get along really well. i wish they lived closer to me. i knew the first time i met her that we would be friends, which is a huge thing since i think so highly of my bro. i never thought i would get along with any girl that took my brother away. but she is very special and i am so glad that she is there caring for him and making him happy.

in 24 hours and 15 minutes i will be laying on a cold table, bright lights blurred all around and masked nurses holding my hands. i think i'm ready.

i'm not allowed to eat anything now except what's on my clear liquid diet chart. that's going to be hard especially since my brother and sister in law are coming in town tonight and my family is big on having a feast whenever we all get together. i think i can deal with not eating the steaks and such but i will have the most trouble not having any ice cream!!

it's a beautiful day out so i think i will go for a walk before i'm house bound with a cath.

i know i'm forgetting to do something that will annoy me when i get back from the hospital. i'm trying to have it all done. i want everything to be easy for dh who isn't use to caring for the house and all that pertains to it. i will be glad to see him clean out the litter box though. such an icky job!!

i'm having dh take me out for breakfast tomorrow. it will be my last meal. i have to go on a clear liquid diet at lunch time. he got a good laugh when he saw what i wrote for tomorrow's breakfast "meat, meat, meat". if i don't have protein i get dizzy and sick. i'm a real crabby patty!! it'll be interesting how i handle this. thursday will be a bear cuz i don't have my surgery untill 1pm!! i hope i make it and not pass out.

i'm still scared about everything. i'm not too worried about dying since i won't know anyhow. i just hope this works the first time. i've many negative stories on this site about their fistulas not being fixed and they are still leaking.

i so want to be able to sleep through the night without having to get up 2 times to pee. it would be nice as well to be able to drink when ever i want and not worry about where the closest bathroom is and if i can get there fast enough. the thought of FINALLY throwing away the panty liners once and for all would be a glorious thing.

just came back from my pre op. everything went fine....had 2 vials of blood taken. i'm getting alittle bit antsy now since next week this time i'll be dressed in a beautiful gown, warming up under some blankets and filling up from the IV.

if you think about it that's kinda mean giving a fistula patient liquids when they can't run to the bathroom to keep from leaking everywhere.

my 5 yr old boy was not so good monday. i got a call from the teacher that he was on blue (which is the worst color). she told me what had happened so i could have a heads up when he got home.

a few weeks ago my ds and i made the agreement that if he remained on green or yellow (2 good colors) he could play with his game cube or the computer for 30 minutes. all has been well. whenever he would get off the bus he would tell me his color. only once since then was he on red ( the color before blue and after yellow).

well, when he got off the bus monday he proceeded to tell me that he was on green. smiling and so proud of himself. when i started asking him certain questions about certain class time activites he again said he was good. slowly he informed me that he was on yellow. when i told him his teacher called me and told me everything, he started to cry. he was on blue.

where did i go wrong with him?? i feel like such a failure. i know i shouldn't compare children but i've never had this much trouble in obediencee with my dd. sigh!!

we talked about what happened and what could happen if he didn't settle down. i told him he could get kicked out of school or i would just pull him out if he didn't calm down. he is a very bright boy, maybe too bright for his class but his maturity level isn't strong. god, i hope he relaxes and that i can trust him more to make the right choices.

i'm sooo sad and depressed today. lately, i've been totally fearing my upcoming surgery. i'm fearfull that i will not make it. i don't know why i feel this way...i had no fear with my hysterectomy.

but for some reason i think i'm going to die on the table. i'm afraid i will have my breathing tube rippd out of me when the docs are flipping me from my back to my belly during the op. i'm sure that will not happen cuz their professionals but i just can't shake this feeling i have.

so, now i have thoughts that i should write out letters to my family .... just in case. make a list of all the house hold chores and finances for my hubby, to ease the pain and confusion. write my will and what i want for a funeral. what the hell is wrong with me. i've even thought of going to a pyscic and getting my cards read. i've never had that done but maybe if i'm told what ever i can relax.

i want to talk with my hubby about this but he really doesn't need that stress. i'm gonna call my seester after lunch...she will make me feel better. either that or just a good long, loooong cry will help. and some chocolate....yes, definiantly need some chocolate!! but NO Cure...that would really put me in a downward spiral!! happy music....do i have any?? i know i'll turn the TV to big band music...that's makes me happy. SIGH.....

dh and i have been "stocking up" of all the fun we will be missing after i have my surgery. welp, for some reason today i got the worse cramps i have ever felt. they hurt just like i had my hyst. i took some medicine but i was still doubled over for the next 2 hours. i had some blood this time which hasn't happened in a while. i think we just iritated my bladder. i'm still gonna make mention of this to the doctor...could help things out. we are not stopping the fun yet...4-6 weeks will be too long of a wait!!

so the whole big commotion about me having my fistula repair work done by dr. j and not by a "better" doctor at the c clinic(as he & his mother said) was just a huge misunderstanding.
when i was telling dh about the sugery i explained to him that dr. j thought it was in a tricky and rare spot of the bladder. i asked how often he's fixed them and he said alot but mine is in a hard spot. hubby heard that dr. j's never fixed a V V F before. that's why i've been getting hounded by him, his mother and EVEN his sis's hubby to go to the c clinic. why him i don't know just cuz he works for the disease control center in a doesn't mean he knows anything about gynocology or urology. i could understand it more if his sis was questioning me, atleast she is a vet in training.
anywho, that is now settle, dh LISTENED to me and HEARD what i was saying. he is now calmer. now i can relax and ready myself, my house, and my family for this surgery. boy, do i love him!!

just got my package today on what to do before my surgery. i was shocked to read that i have to do a bowel prep and that i have to be on a clear liquid diet the day before surgery.

i wonder why i have to do all this? when i had my hysterectomy with the anterior and posterior repair work i did have to do a bowel prep. somehow i thought this would be no less. oh well, if i must i must.

i will be soooo freakin hungry the next day!!! i hope i don't get too dizzy from the lack of nutrition and protein in my body. maybe i'll give 'em a call and see if i can atleast eat some eggs the night before.........

that's funny .... i've got tear flowing down my face!!!

yesterday, my mother actually questioned why i was having my surgery on the 14th of october. she thinks just because my brother and his wife will be in that week i should wait to have my surgery. like i haven't been waiting long enough trying to get diagnosed with the cause of my discharge...it's been over a year!!! i told her that it was the best time for my family. i want to be well enough to enjoy Halloween with my kiddies. plus, it's the next available time the doctor and urologist had. it's not like i won't see my brother and sis in law...they are coming in on tues...leaving fri morning for a wedding in PA. even if i wasn't scheduled to have my repair work done on thurs i still wouldn't be able to see them cuz i'd have to work. she really really really Honkerblonked me off!!

i do miss my brother and am looking forward to seeing him but i think my health comes first. even my brother would agree with this. hubby was a dear after this whole scene and offered his assistance in dealing with her comment..."get nakie on the bed". LOL i love that man, he makes me laugh. but,boy, does being nakie on the bed make EVERYTHING better!!

that's when i go in to have my vesicovaginal fistula repaired.
i'm to have it done at 1pm which i don't like i wish it would be earlier. i have a hard time going more than 4 hours without eating (low blood sugar) and to be without anything to drink is torture!! i'm at the point i would do anything to have my problems fixed. the thought of having to wear a cath for a few weeks doesn't make me happy either but if i have to i will.

DH has just informed me that he would rather i go to the c clinic to have my V V F fixed there. i think this came about cuz his mother (who lives in WI) told him i should go there. i'm sure he's just worried and nervous for me but i don't think that that hospital over my hospital makes a difference. i have faith in my doctor that he will get it done right the first time. he is the head of the hospital and i dont' think they just hand out titles like that. i'm sure he will do a great job and take good care of me.

still no call from doctor's office....sigh... i wonder when they will call. maybe if i can get off the 'net, i'll give 'em a ring. i would gladly get off now if i saw them on my call waiting......

back hurt alot today. guess i need to do more sit ups!! but i think i just slept funny last night. i hate our new bed!! memo to self...never, NEVER let hubby go mattress shopping again!! he sleeps like a baby & i lay in agony!!

i was hoping to have heard from the doc by now but i guess my surgery date will be a mystery untill monday.

called the doctor today to set up a date for the repair work to be done. just waiting now for the response...i should have it by today...secretary said she was just about to set up the surgeries. i hope i can have it the 2nd week of oct so i have plenty of time to heal enough to enjoy halloween with my kids. i know i won't be able to walk with them but i can sit and pass out the candies. my seester will be here to help...i am SO blessed to have her and her love. she is an amazing seester and a very special and trustworthy friend!! tick tock tick tock...

i have a name and a reason for why i've been having a discharge. the doctor was really nice and very gentle. he could'nt find anything at first but during his last search he found the fistula. he says it's right smack in the middle of the bladder's trigone. it's amazing how they can find things just by touch. now i have to have another surgery to repair this. i'm scared but i really have no choice. my brain hurts right now for all the research i've been doing on this subject. last item for the day is to post on this site for other sisters' helpful input.

i'm a little nervous about meeting a new doctor and what all will be done. will he just talk to me about what's been going on or will he do some tests to get things moving along. i really want the latter done cuz i'm tired of all this crap. i'm also worried that he will not be so caring about what i'm going through. dr b. really ruined my faith in docs. especially male docs. i hate to be sexiest but that's how i feel right now. maybe this male doc will change my mind. will see......come on 4pm!!

got an appointment...it's wed the 8th!! now i can relax????? over the weekend. it's just a sit down talk about things type of an appointment but maybe he's experience will help. i'm sure i'll have more not so fun testing to be done later, though. but now i can be a peace over the weekend and not worry if or when i could get in for a visit.

my doc visit on wed was so so. my pap was fine and my flora count was good. which means i don't have any infections and she couldn't find anything that would cause me to have this discharge. she talked with one of her gastrologist doc friend who suggested i get a barium test to see if i may have a fistula. if i did i would then have to see a gyno-oncologist for repair work. she suggested that i just go to the gyno- oncologist for all the testing from the get go. now i'm waiting for this guy to look over my file and call me. i think i'm going to give him untill this afternoon or i'm calling him. i'm tired on waiting by the phone. i'm getting too nervous.

i'm searching this site and others for info on fistulas. i remember doing this months and months ago when i originally was doin research on my condition, never thought it might actually be the problem. from my understanding if it hasn't healed on it's own by now i would have to have surgery. i DON"T want to go through that again. especially since it seems worse than what i went through with my hyst and repair work. but i dif don't want to be wearing pads for the rest of my life either. i will survive.

today is the first day all by myself. my baby is at kindergarten. it's his 2nd day. sigh.......

why can't you say "socks minus the O add a U" on this site?? i noticed it was censored out of my journal...

holy moly, it's been too long. i know the doc told me to wait for 2 complete weeks before resuming intercourse but i couldn't wait any longer!! i only had 2 more days left of treatment so oh hell we went for it. whew, what a relief. funny how having sex will release all your tensions. plus the fact it is nice to be that close with someone you love. my hubby is the most wonderful man. he's been so patient with me through all this. i only hope that when my next appointment comes my doctor will have good news and a solution. it sucks having to wear pads EVERY day!! oh well in time it will be solved...i have faith in this doctor.

yesterday morning i went to a new doctor to get help with my ongoing discharge (since the surgery 1+yrs ago) since 1 my old doc did nothing to help relieve it and 2 has just left the state.
she is amazing. she did a pap (long over dure for) did an in office test for vaginosis (don't have) and culture to see what i have plus she is going to talk to a few doctor friends to see what's up. that was more done in one day than my old doc did in 8+ months!!

she was very nice, GENTLE!! ,helpful and open. she knows that i research on the net and she said i could ask her if i have question about anything i've read.

i go back in 3 weeks for my results and another exam. she had me get off the estrogen cream but still wants me on the metro gel every nite for 2 weeks. she might do a hormone level check at the next visit.

another nice part about going to her is that she's just around the corner where as my old doc was 30 minutes away.
i'm just so happy now...i think she will be the one to rid me off all this and free me of pads once and for all!!!

boy am i tired. this old body isn't use to partying all night long, resting 10 minutes on each side and then getting up at the crack of dawn for work. what a night, so worth it. my dad was kind enough to watch the kiddies so hubby and i could attend the show.

there were other bands performing but i was so focused on the cure that i didn't pay to close attention to them. our seats were so close to the stage. we were just behind the pit. i wanted the pit but hubby didn't want to stand all night long. any way this was the closest i have even been (next time we will get the pit).

it was a gloomy rainy day and boy did they pull out all the dark and gloomy songs to play. robert said he was sad. i was in heaven though, my favourite songs come from the first 5 lps. my only wish was that they played "a forest". i love that song (it's on my plates!!) but i was thrilled that they closed the show with "faith".

i met up with some old friends and found some new friends as well. all whom i met/remet thru the bands site. the people in front of me(who i met thru the site) brought in a digital camera and took some awesome shots. i cannot wait to receive some.

as with the old friend, it was the boy who broke my heart. i've always wondered about him but was never able to find him. it was so nice to see him again and to have closure on that relationship. my hubby got to meet him as well but questioned my why i was so attracted to him. well, back in the day he actually looked like robert smith...how could i not. he still trys to look like robert but his and lifestyle age has not helped. it was still nice to see him and be able to talk to him.

the end to a perfect day. wbwc.com is having a marathon of the cure ... i'm so happy!!!

why is it that when we vacation or someone else is vacationing at our home we forget about our normal schedules, excersising, and diet? i have yet to do my what little "workout" routine since my dad's been here. i have eaten too much and then chased it down with ice cream. i love my dad but.....he needs to go!!! hee hee hee

i should already be asleep! but when you take a late shower some how you wake up and can't fall asleep. in a half hour my dh will be home, maybe i'll stay up for him. roam around this site for a bit, play some games, look up nonsense on the net. i bet i can kill the time.

my dad came in last night. this time he didn't bring too much for the kiddies. they got his old computer with 2 new games for it, some ... alot of candy and t.v. for their bed rooms. thank god, the t.v.'s don't work without the satilite dish, but ds can still use his for the x box. i really hate how he brings them such big things whenever he comes for a visit but it makes him happy to know that he can do this. when we were growing up he never had money to spend on us. not that you need to show your love by buying gifts. he always spent quality time with us and we always had fun on our weekends with him.

right now he has my kiddies. they went visiting relatives and to do whatever else the kids come up with. i'm sure chuckie cheese is in the plans. dad should be tired by the time they come home.

still sick.....yuck!! but it sure does make for a nice diet. EWWWW!

i'm starting to make a time frame for the new doc so she can get a better idea of what i've been going through. i do hope she can figure this out. we were out too late last night and i started to have a little cramping and a bit of blood. i wonder what the connection is to the two? i'm still doing what my former doc had me doing. i hate doing the different gels...they are so messy.

okay, just a couple more hours of a nice clean house left before the kiddies come back. i hope that it stays nice enough for a couple more days ... my dad will be visiting. i wish my black & decker scrubber would've came in by now (my 1st e-bay buy) i really want to scrub my walk in shower. i hate scrubbing it but boy does the shower shine.

my dad wants to take the kids out for the day visiting other relatives and for lunch. i told him i was going to call every half hour to be sure everything's okay. i don't think he realizes how challenging they can be...mainly my son. i already warned him to hold tightly to my son's hand for he likes to roam. i hope he remembers. i think i'll give him a curfew, too.

feeling alittle bit better today. everything sounds funny...like i'm in a tunnel or something. i hope dh doesn't get it. he works so hard, he doesn't have the time to get sick.

my parents came and stole my kiddies for the night. i wish my hubby didn't have to work so we could have a date tonight.

this was the first time my parents saw my son's new haircut. i think they liked it but i'm still not use to it. this morning i went to give him a kiss before heading off to work and when i attempted to run my fingers through his hair ( like i always did) i felt nothing. i was really sadden by that. i loved his hair longer but we felt he needed a big boy hair cut so he would feel older. he starts kindergarten this fall...

the house is too quiet. not sure if i like it or not. i have to do the laundry, return a library book and deadhead flowers in my garden so i'm sure the day will rush by but i know the night i will be too lonesome.

welp, today i called and made an appointment with a new doctor. i still really like my other doctor but i figure i gave him plenty of time( over 8 months) to find why i'm still having a discharge. this new doctor is a woman doctor. she is an ostheopathic doctor which is something really new to me. i like the way they approach medicine....i hope this works out for me. i wish i didn't have to wait so long before going but the earliest i could get in is 04 August at 7:45 am. perfect for me since i'm a morning person and am use to getting up a 5 for work. gotta remember to ask for that day off. that weds is going to be a big day...it's The Cure's Curiosa festival. i'm driving everyone batty about it cuz i'm soooo excited to be going. plus, we have GREAT seats!! bribed my dad into watching the kiddies, so now all i have to do is wait. don't want to rush life but i hate waiting!

i have a cold thanks to my beautiful son. sipping yogi green tea to ease the sore throat. my fortune is: "to be grateful is to be great and full"


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okay, i found my journal but now i have nothing to say. humph...