It is a beautiful day today. So far it is still cool with a soft breeze which is just fine. I really have a hard time when it reaches the high 90's and 100's. I think I will go out and spend some time with my horses and enjoy the fresh air. My foot is finally feeling better and it doesn't hurt so much to walk on it, maybe I will go for a walk as well before the heat turns up.
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I was right the temp went up in no time but I had a nice time outside. My son is getting board being by himself, not sure if he is going to make it until August without his older brothers. They are having alot of fun with my ex-husband, I'm glad but I miss them too. I just hope they don't become too spoiled.

Well I have made it through another day without losing anything--temper, mind, sanity, my son, lol. I'm laughing but it really isn't that funny. My 16yo son told my ex that I had lost my mind, sometimes I wonder.
This fatigue is about to do me in. My body is tired but my head won't be quiet, and it ain't having any thoughts about breezy fields and gurgling streams, it wants to sing...the same lyrics over and over and over. Very frustarating. I guess thats what I get for liking to karaoke huh. Maybe wouldn't be so bad if they were songs that I sang or wanted to sing but they are usually other people's songs. Go figure.
I started taking my Lexapro again today. I haven't taken it since I had my surgery but with the way I have been feeling lately thought msybe I should begin it again. It will probably take two weeks before it starts helping but that gives me hope. I had been worried about sexual side effects but since I already have them it can't hurt them anymore than they all ready are. I am sorry that I told DH what I did the other day because my fears came true. I was reading an article earlier and told him about one of the things it had said about if a woman isn't in the mood and he is try a little harder, chances are you can get her there. He told me why should he try if I didn't get those types of feelings. That really hurt. I guess it is my own fault for not keeping that fact to myself. I guess I will just have to figure something out for myself.
Well it is almost midnight and I really need to try and rest. My 5yo DS gets up at the crack of dawn and wants me to watch cartoons with him. I will 'talk' more later.

Janean

I never talked about what lead up to my Castle visit so here goes........

I guess it all really started after I became pregnant with my 3rd child. The whole pregnancy was hard for me for many reasons. I was a full time college student and had 2 other children to care for as well. It was a really stressful time over all.
I was very uncomfortable the whole pregnancy with alot of pain and cramping and when the time came my son didn't want to be born even though my body said it was going to happen anyway. LOL. I had my tubes tied a few months later and thats when it got bad. With each period the pain and cramping got worse until this past year it got so bad that I would spends days in bed with a heating pad unable to function and my periods started coming every 2 weeks. Time to talk to the dr. I had been having pains in my side for awhile so I had already had a couple of ultrasounds done but this time it showed a cyst large enough to worry about. Referral to GYN, a cat scan, and another visit with the GYN. I had a large cyst on the left ovary, a small one on the right, and a very enlarged uterus with adenomyosis. After discussing the options and chances of success it was decided it was coming out. Now just to wait until an available date came up. April 9th YEA!!!!!!!!

That morning I got to the hospital at 5:30am, dressed in the stylish gown and fancy cap (ha ha), got my IV in place, spoke to the anethitist(sp) and waited my turn in line. I barely remember sliding over onto the operating table and then I was waking up in recovery. My first thought "OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO ME." But I had a good nurse who was there by my side to help with the pain. It took alot of meds and the pain really didn't get under control until after I was in my room with the morphine pump in place. OOOOOOOOOO lovely morphine. I was really happy to find that the same nurses that I had had when I had my gallbladder removed in Sept. were to be my nurses now. I stayed 3 days and had wonderful care the whole time. I was one of the lucky ones. It was Spring Break so my sister was with me the whole 1st week of recovery so that was nice.

Over all it was a good experience.

I told my DH how I was feeling last night. I'm not sure yet how that is going to end up. He sugested that I see my dr. and discuss it with him or to go back to the GYN who did my surgery. I don't know which one I will go to yet as I have trouble discussing such personal issues with people. On the one hand the GYN is female and might be more understanding but I don't know her very well. On the other my PCP is a sweetheart who is extremely caring and one of the few I have seen with a great bedside manner, but is male. This whole thing is a real dilemma for me. My choices are kind of limited. I can just take the wait and see method and pray things get better soon or I can swallow my discomfort and see a doctor and do the best I can to explain the trouble I am having.
I had another failed sexual encounter last night even though it was me trying to pleasure him. I am afraid that since I told my DH he is going to have trouble enjoying himself knowing that I am not "in the mood". He says that he feels guilty wanting my attention when I don't feel like it. It isn't like that is a new thing really. It is really strange how the tables have changed over that last few years. When DH and I got together almost 8yrs ago it was me who wanted "it" all the time and he was not "in the mood". Now it is just the opposite. How funny huh? There is a 16 yr age difference between us so I guess maybe he is going through a 2nd puberty lol. Do men do that at 50? Hmmm makes me wonder. I am curious, women are 'supposed' to reach their sexual peak at 35, since I had a hysterectomy will I have my peak? I have over a year before I turn 35 so maybe I still have hope right? I have to look to the positive I think and decide that things will be fine. I just have to do my best to keep DH interested until then. Shouldn't be hard right? LOL I have a new goal LOL

I am 10 weeks post-op today and am grateful that I had the hysterectomy. I do not miss the constant menstrul cramps and heavy bleeding at all. But...I think I should be feeling better than I am. I felt great at 6 wks, a whole new person. Now I am a mess. I am so tired, can't sleep well, have no sex drive, can't become aroused, and I feel like a ticking time bomb ready to blow at any moment. My husband flips back and forth between saying he understands and threatening to leave me. I saw my therapist on monday but it seems like time flies by while I am with him and about the time we start talking about important stuff it is time to leave. What is that all about. I finally can talk talk him about something other than the problems with my 16 yo and time speeds up. I feel like such a failure at everything, it really sucks.