Well, I have about just an hour before I have to head off for the castle. I'm a bit nervous I admit. My fiance' said that I seemed more nervous today than I did a year ago when I had my hyst. I think that's because the word "cancer" is involved with this procedure. I know that it's probably just very mild pre-cancer, but still that word puts fear into you no matter what.

My grandmother whom I was very close to, died a little over 2 years ago. She had lived to 87. She had fought cancer like 3 or 4 times and survived. I know that today she is my guardian angel watching over me. It may sound wierd, but I talked to her this morning in my own little way and prayed. I felt an immediate sense of calm come over me. I'm still scared and nervous, but I know that she and my grandfather whom I lost to cancer when I was 12 will be with me today. And I have many prayers coming from my friends at work and the support of this wonderful site.

Well, it's about time for me to say good-bye to my boys and head to the castle for my crown re-adjusting.

until my 2nd castle visit. I got the call from the admitting nurse today going over everthing for Thursday. She was a bit concerned about my having really low blood pressure last year with my hyst. She mentioned that my stay might be a bit longer than normal because of that. But that's okay. I had my pre-op yesterday and was very happy to know that I don't have a bowel prep to do. I am just supposed to drink at least 8 glasses of water tomorrow and take 2 Zantec before bed and 2 more the morning of surgery. The doctor said that afterwards I would basically have the same restrictions that a person that had a vaginal birth would have. This is funny because I never had a vaginal birth...I had 2 c-sections. Anyways, I just can't lift anything heavy, no sex, and no exercising for 6 weeks. Can anyone say "VACATION"!

But seriously, I'm kind of feeling like it's time to say goodbye to my cervix. It's been fun, but it's time for it to go. It's definately for the better for my health. Cancer runs rampid in my family and this isn't my first scare with it. I'm hoping though, it will be my last.

Everyone at work has been so wonderful. They are all wanting me to let them know how my surgery goes. I will have my fiance' let my bridesmaid know how I'm doing so she can tell everyone else. We work together so it makes it nice.

I'm sure I will be more nervous tomorrow and especially tomorrow night. My soon to be dh will be at home and helping me get ready...he's a sweetie!

Well, I was finally able to get over my cold. My ears are still a bit plugged, but not too bad. I'm continuing to take the antibiotic that the doctor gave me just in case. I go to my pre-op on Monday for my cone surgery.

Today one of my bridesmaids came with me and we went wedding dress shopping. It was so much fun! I found my dream dress too. It's a beautiful ivory color with beautiful beading and lace. And it hides my little tummy that I wanted to hide too. I can't wait to go and order it!!! I will do that soon since it could take up to 6 months to get it and I will have to have it altered since I'm a bit on the short side.

It was a great distraction that I so needed today. It got my mind off the upcoming surgery. I was getting a bit nervous about the whole thing. And I'm sure I will be this next week too. Monday after pre-op I will get things I need for my stay at home and any bowel prep stuff that I may need. I'm so hoping that I won't have to do much in the way of that. So far, I just need to take 2 Zantec 75 pills the night before and 2 more the morning of surgery. I'm most concerned about getting sick from the anesthesia this time around. I got really sick after my hyst and I don't want to go through that again. I just want the whole thing over with.

I will have to remind everyone at my house to when I get home. This will be like going in and getting my crown adjusted a bit more I guess! lol I will have to remember to get plenty of and just relax. Just like a princess should!

It seems like forever since I have written in here. Acutally, almost a week I guess. Monday I came down with that crazy cold stuff that it seems everyone is getting. I had to leave work early to go to the doctor and try to get it under control. Right before I went to my regular doctor I thought I would call my gyno and see if my pap results had came in...they had. They were just getting ready to call me. I have high-grade squamous? cells in my cervix. The doctor wants to do a cone biopsy and remove most of my cervix. So, it turns out it was a good thing I was going to see the doctor about this cold...they gave me some antibiotics just in case it was a sinus infection especially with my surgery coming up.

Surgery is set for March 23rd at 10 a.m. I go to pre-op on Monday the 20th. It will be an outpatient surgery so I should be home the same day and only off work a couple of days. I am a bit scared about it I guess. But then I trust my doctor completely and know that he'll do what is best. I am so lucky to have found this doctor. He is wonderful! And I will be going to the same hospital that I went to a little over a year ago for my hyst. This isn't really the way I was planning on celebrating my hysterversary! lol But I'm preparing myself mentally for everything. I bought some new pjs for the hospital trip. And I even got some new "granny panties" since I will have to wear a pad for awhile. I haven't been down the "feminine product" aisle in forever! There are just way too many choices! I know that I will be more nervous the closer it gets...I only have a week left as it is. The countdown is on!

On Thursday my doctor called regarding my hormone levels. Turns out my ovaries are working over time and ovulating every 2-3 weeks, thus causing all of my problems. So, now I'm on the birth control patch. I have noticed some changes for the good. I'm getting more sleep and feeling more normal than I was. It's kind of funny to be on birth control when I no longer have a uterus. But hey, if it works...I'm all for it!

Now hopefully, I will get the 2nd opinion of my pap soon and get that over with. I'm still keeping busy with planning my wedding next year. It's a lot of work. But I love it! And I'm so excited.

Now while I'm still waiting to hear the 2nd opinion on my pap...I have a hormone issue. I went to the doctor yesterday and he thinks that either my ovaries are ovulating every couple of weeks, or I'm hitting menopause and they aren't working at all. He did some blood work yesterday to see where my hormone levels are at. all I know is that I can't sleep, I'm getting hot flashes, and my boobs are swollen and they ache. He said that if my ovaries are over working, then I get the birth control patch...if they aren't working at all..then I get the HRT patch. I don't care at this point...I just want my boobs to feel normal and me to sleep!

This week was my boyfriend and mine's 2 nd dating anniversary. We have been living together for about a year and a half. I had gotten him a gift earlier in the week. I actually thought he had totally blown it off. But to my surprise he got me really good.

We have 4 kids between the two of us and 3 are usually always with us. He left to run an errand on Saturday morning and came home several hours later. I wasn't too pleased. But then he told me to pack a bag for overnight, but no clothes were needed. So, a friend of ours came to watch our kids and we left. He had rented a beautiful Mercedes. He finally told me that we were headed to the coast. I was totally thrilled! I love the coast.

When we got there he had made reservations at a beautiful resort. We got to our room and he asked me to run down to the car for something. When I came back, he wouldn't let me in right away. I had no clue what was going on. I then heard "our" song playing. He opened the door and all the lights were out except for one candle. You could hear the ocean in the background too. He also had covered the bed with rose petals. He then got down on one knee and opened the ring box. He was a bit speechless and later on I had found out he even had tears. He then told me that he loved me and asked me to marry him. I of course said "YES!!!" and the tears started rolling. The ring is absolutely beautiful! He picked the stone and the setting which are just amazing.

It was the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me. My heart was bursting with so much love for him. I'm seriously floating on cloud 10 right now!

Well, I'm on weekend #3 of waiting for the results of the 2nd opinion on my pap. I was so angry on Tuesday after finding out that it would be at least another week or more before I would find out anything. But I am now resigned to the fact that I have to wait even more.

At least now though, I have found a project to keep me busy for awhile. My boyfriend and I are planning our wedding for next year. I have a feeling that I will be getting my "official" ring this weekend. We have already lined up Michael Allen Harrison a local pianist to play at the ceremony. That will be awesome. He's really good. Now we are just busy trying to find a place for the ceremony and reception. This is the best way I know to keep my mind off everything. And maybe this will be the bright spot I need to get through all of this too.

So, I finally got a call from my doctor's nurse yesterday. She told me that the pathologist is out for the week and won't return until next monday. So, I won't get the 2nd opinion on my pap until next week sometime. LOVELY!!! I'm so emotionally done with all of this. It has been a month since I had the original pap done and two weeks since the biopsies. I can't believe that the hospital only has one pathologist to read the flippin pap! At this point I'm just going to put it out of my head and not worry about going in until next year for my yearly. This is heartless that they are making me wait even longer for all of this.

Right now I'm just frustrated and not holding my breath. I called my doctor's office yet again today and still no results. The pap is at the 2nd lab and we are just waiting for the results of it still. Wednesday it will have been a month since I had the pap. And two weeks since I had the biopsies. This is just driving me nuts! I would love to know whether or not they are going to do the cone biopsy. I will kind of have to plan for it since what I've read about it I will probably be out of work for at least a day or two. And I have my BF's and mine dating anniversary coming up this weekend. I have a feeling that he is finally going to "officially" propose. Even though we already have most of our wedding planned out already. It's so hard to try and concentrate on either thing because of what they are. Does that make sense??? I'm at the point that I just want my doctor to do the cone biopsy and get it over with. More than likely the abnormal cells will return if we just do the cryosurgery. I have never had good luck with it in the past. That and to top it all off....my boobs are so sore. I've been using a heating pad on them at night, but they are still sore. And I've not been sleeping good at night either. I'm thinking my ovaries are mis-firing or something, but it's hormone hell right now.

Okay, I think I'm done venting now. I would seriously loose my mind, at least what's left of it, if I didn't have this site.

Well, I'm now on my second weekend of not knowing what is going on with my cervix. I talked to my doctors nurse yesterday and she said the 2nd lab should have my pap that day. So, I'm now looking at hopefully finding something out on Monday or Tuesday. Next Wednesday will be two weeks since my colposcopy and biopsies.

I broke down and cried last night. And it was horrible timing. It was right after my fiance and had been intimate. I just had so many emotions about all of this stuff going on, that I wasn't necessarily in the mood and I felt bad about it. And I just kept thinking that there was something "damaged" inside me again. It was crazy. I don't know. I will just be so glad to have all of this over and done with....hopefully soon.

My goal is to write in this journal everyday...so far...so good. Today was just another day without hearing from my doctor. I'm hoping to hear from him by Friday. If he doesn't call me...I will call him. I'm getting to know his nurse very well.

I have so many people asking me how everything is going. I have a great support system of friends that is keeping my mood cheery.

I have been rather cranky lately and I'm not sure why. That and my boobs are really really sore! And overall I feel run down. I'm going to go in for a complete check up this next week with my regular doctor. I need to have my thyroid checked anyways. I get it checked every 6 months because my mom had Graves disease and the doctors seem to think I will have problems at anytime.

I just want to get all of this medical stuff taken care of now. I want to get back to planning my wedding next year. I will be getting married at the Oregon Coast. Then we will be off to Italy for a week for our honeymoon. I can't wait!

Today I have realized yet again that hindsight is always 20/20. Why is that? It's so maddening! I have spent so much time thinking about my darn cervix this last week and a half....it's driving me crazy! I am at the point now where I just want it gone. I don't understand why my doctor didn't just take it last year when I had my hyst. And mostly, I don't know why I didn't insist that he do take it. I really wish now that he would have. It would be so much easier if he had. I don't want to have to go back in every 3-6 months for paps. I could easily have another abnormal pap at any time thanks to having this HPV stuff. I don't want to have to go through any more biopsies and colposcopies. Maybe I'm just having a hormonal moment. Maybe I need to grab the Ben & Jerry's and call it good.

The doctor was supposed to call me today with the results from my biopsies from last week. I called this morning just to make sure they were even open today..they were. Then I called at 10:30 to see if they even had the results...they did and they were sitting on the doctors desk. The nurse said that I should hear from him this afternoon....more waiting. I finally called at 3:30 and the nurse said that the results were still sitting on the doctors desk but he would probably call me tomorrow. I begged and pleaded for her to tell me, but she couldn't. Which I totally understand. But this waiting is driving me nuts! Tomorrow will be better since I will be at work and won't have as much time to think about it as I did today. But thanks to nervousness I did manage to get my house cleaner than it's been in a long time. I just want to know and get it over with!!!

Well, the wait is still on. I just talked to my doctor...he finally called me. I guess the results of the biopsy are inconclusive. One Hosptial, St. Vicent's did my pap that showed pre-cancer cells. The biopsies however, went to another hospital, Legacy. The biopsies showed some changes, but nothing major. So, now the doctor wants the pathologist at Legacy to look at the pap to see if St. Vincent "over called it". If they didn't and Legacy agrees with the pre-cancer on the pap, then I have to have part of my cervix removed. Otherwise, I guess nothing happens...I think. The doctor said it would be a few days for Legacy to get my pap from the other hospital and check it out. More waiting...lovely.

I haven't had a journal in a long time. But with everything going on right now, I guess it's time. I'm so happy that I finally upgraded and became a crown jewel.
Last year was such a range of emotions with finally finding a great doctor and finally getting the proper diagnosis. When he said that I needed my hyst...I was scared, but ready.

The experience wasn't bad at all. I was out of work for a month recovering. I of course couldn't have gotten through any of it without this site. Everyone was so helpful here. And then I of course had my boyfriend at the time Scott. He and our boys were wonderful.

Then fast forward to my hysterversary. A time that I should have been celebrating. I had had an abnormal pap prior to surgery. But the doctor wanted to leave my cervix. I was fine with that. I just had to go in every 6months for paps. Then on my hysterversary I went in for my pap. The doctor said that if this one didn't show any changes, then I would just have to have yearly paps. A week later I got the call. The pap showed pre-cancerous cells.

I know it's not really a big deal. I've even been through it before like 13 years ago. But it kind of got to me. I thought I had finally conquered all of this stuff. Now I'm awaiting results from my biopsy and looking to have either cryosurgery or a cone biopsy. I think I'm mostly just frustrated right now.