My mil is doing pretty good so far. She was moved to another room yesterday and is crusin the halls. She's bored out of her mind. Im happy that her sibs called her. (their family is not close at all) Her husband is trying to talk her out of having the surgery. For some reason he thinks that the blockages will just disappear. The doctors have told him thats not going to happen. So far she has decided to do the surgery. Hes only looking at the fact that she will need 3 months to recover. He wants her to go back to work after the surgery. This man is crazy. She retires in a year why go back and risk your health? She's given the mill 34 years of her life, thats enough. He kids are trying to talk to her though. I dont think they will let her go back. At least I hope not. My dh said he's chain her to a chair before that happens. Anyhow yesterday my brother-in-law starts to down his mother about smoking. Hes going on and on about this wouldnt have happened if she just...blah blah blah. That honkerblonked me off. We all do things that are not good for us at times. I pulled him to the side and said yeah thats a good idea lets browbeat her. She hasnt learn yet. She doesnt feel bad enough yet. Tearing her down will really help. The past happened and cant be undone. We all have to help her now. Mind you this is the brother that has loads of health problems of his own doing. He loves to cook but wouldnt know a fruit or vetetable if it slaped him in the face. Salt, butter and beer are his best friend. He wants to act high and mighty and no one in the family ever tells him like it is. Except me. I just couldnt stand there and let him do that to her. Thats like telling a overweight person over and over that their overweight. They now that. That doesnt help it only make them feel bad. I know. For years Ive had people tell me your to skinny, you should eat. Even going as far as to ask me if I have AIDs.(I dont) That would make me feel bad, Id loose my apatite and not eat. Granted more people have the oppisite problem but I had always been rail thin. Untill now that is. It took having a child to put some weight on me. Which Im fighting not to lose. I just dont want my kangaroo pouch. ok Im off track now. Anyway he got the point.

Yesterday I went to the tattoo palor. Ive missed that place. Talked to my old friend about the tattoo Im getting. Should take under an hour. Im not telling my mother because she'll be upset. I have four but they are small and discreet. Unless you see me in a belly bearing tank you wouldnt know I have them. Its weird. I dont like needles but love tattoos. If you knew my dh you would think hes more of the tattoo person. Shaved head, rides a bike, doesnt think there are other colors but black. Big brawly biker dude. He only has one. DD's footprints. Other than that he doesnt want anymore.

Other than that there is notheing much going on.

Its been a wirlwind of a week. Sun we took dd to take pictures. We ended up getting more than we planned. My mother went with us. I think she forgets how it was to have a little one.Shesatthrough the whole session goingIknow your not going to get that one. Your spending to much. She can take other pictures. This I know but shes only little once. I want to capture and hold on to these moments. I look back on her baby pictures and wonder what happened to my little girl. How did she seem to go from a newborn to 4 years old over night. I want to go back in time to the sleepless nights &diapers. I know I cant so this is one of the next best things. I told my mom did you do this for me? Did you not give me a birthday party every year untill I asked not to have one? Did you in cases give all you had and then more? She remembered and she understood once again. Shes only gets to be 4 once in her life. I plan to take pictures of her every single year. From now untill I dont walk the earth. So we got 6 sets of pictures. It doesnt matter that we have bills to pay. Billswill come forever, shes only my 4 year old for one year.

Heres a funny story. Last Nov. my dh brought in a butterfly cocoon and put in a jar. He told her about its life cycle and howit would become a butterfly. Well that butterfly isnt a butterfly. I lookedup one morning to see loads of bugs. That would be butterfly was really about three hundred praying mantis babies. I dont usually like bugs but I thought they were cool. If that cocoon would have stayed outside they wouldnt have emerged untill spring. I felt bad just kicking them out knowing that none would make it to see spring. Besides my dd had to "save them" from other bugs. So we went out and got a nice size bug habitat, bought some crickets and a little plant for them to hide in. We kept 7 of them, the rest had to meetheir fate out in the world. I hope at least two make it to spring. I saw my first one last summer sitting on my mothers fence. I thought it was cool.(as bugs go)

Now for the ugly. Mon morning my MiL had a heart attack. It happened around eight am. We didnt find about it untill seven pm. My sister-in-law said she didnt know our phone number. (Which I KNOW not to be true) I understand that she might not have had her wits about her when it happened but 11 hours to wait and call us is to much. My dh is confused about it all. Im mad about it. Im trying not to think that they think so little of my dh that they didnt call untill that late. Thatsnot really whats imporant so Ive put the anger away. His mom is doing ok. We found out that she has 7 blockages. The main arteries to the heart are 50 and 70% blocked. He heart is working a 25% of what it should. The doctors dont know how she made it this long. She coded once but they got her back. At this point they want to wait a week to see if her heart can get stronger before they do the surgery. She needs a tripple bypass. I pray everything goes good. Im just trying to do what I can for her and dh. He's been so calm, or I should say seems to be so calm about it. Hes been showing his stress by cleaning when we're not at the hospital. Hes coping well right now. When it comes time for surgery is when I think it will really bother him. I feel out of sorts now. I cant do anything about this.When things like this happens you feel so helpless. I want to make her better but I cant. I will just pray that God will take care of her. Its sad that at times it takessomething like this to make you think about your health. As soon as this surgery is over we are quitting smoking. I have to be here for my baby. We have to be here for our baby. Everyone knows that smoking is bad for you and weve tried to quit twice. They say the third time is a charm so this will Have to be it. We cant do it anymore. Ive talked to my doctor and she will give me something to help me quit. (before she couldnt because of the meds I take for Lupus. Im taking less now so Ive got the green light.)

On the up side my dd is going to be in her first program. She is George Washington Carver. Its this Fri. Shes so excited. The proud parents will be there and you will be able to tell that she is our first(and only) Most of her first have been caught on camera. She has know here part for months now. She has the longest part and I so hope she does well. Even if she freezes up and stands there I will happily tape her standing there in all her glory.

Today I go to the neurologist. Shes been trying to find out why I have so many headaches. She might be mad though. I've been a bad girl. She had me do a headache diary untill I was to see here again. I had a folow up appt. a month ago but they rescheduled me for a month later. That extra month I didnt do the diary. I just forgot. I hope that the month I did it will be good enough. I already know (i think) that my headaches dont have a food trigger, maybe a stress tigger. I doubt if they have something to do with sleep at this point. The meds she gave me made me so sick to my stomach that my rheumatologist told me to stop taking them untill I saw her again. I did find out that my lupus isnt effecting my brain tissue>(thank God) So Ill see what happens later.

My neice seems to do so much better when see's at my house. Id like to think that she feels safe here. She's started to call my dh daddy. We stopped correcting her. My dh said if she feel like hes her dad than thats ok with him. That she needs a real father figure in her life. Im not so sure if its right or not. I dont want to upset her but I dont want it to do here harm latter on. So for now hes daddy to her to. Ive been trying to understand my step-sister and how she could feel the way that she does. It just doesnt make sence. She moved to live with my neices father and his girlfriend and their child. Unless they are all into the "open relationship" thing how could she think that he wants her. Every thing hes done was to get the baby. Uncluding lying on her. What I think it is is that she wants freedom. She can just leave the baby with him and go about her happy way. She could do that here but she wants to hurt my mom. She is only hurting her baby in all this. I can only hope that he get put away for 20 years. At least untill she turns 18. I dont think that will happen but I pray it does. Then at least he wont be able to hurt her.

I got a shock yeasterday. I opened our heating bill and it was 300 more than our rent. I was not expecting that. The companies in this area are making a mint. Between heatting bills and gas for the car they've got me really wanting spring to come. We are already streching out money. Cant take much more.

Do you ever notice how kids just say anything that comes to mind. My dd and myself were in a dressing room and she yells "mommy I can see you boobies". She also told the sales clerk that her vagina was sick. (she just got over an infection herself) Im so happy the clerk was a woman. I keep tellng her we dont talk about those things in public. Shes so comfortable asking me anything at this point that she doesnt understand. Hopefully she'll stay comfortable but will get the "in private" part. She has it in her mind that shes going to marry her dad when she grows up. Its so sweet. I would love for her to marry someone like her dad. At least Id know he'd be a loving man.Im sure that will all change when she gets to be a teen. Then she will hate us. We wont understand her and will be to protective and all the other teens get to do this or that. I cant say Im ready for that. She's only 4 but those teenage years scare me. My dh jokes that by then he will have devolped a chastity belt and not only be rich but all the teens will be protected if they want to or not.

I feel better this morning but Ive started to have shortness of breath. Im praying that the doctor doesnt say that I have pneumonia again. I've had it twice in the last year. I hope its just a sinus infection. We'll see. I write later and tell you what the doctor said. Bye for now.

P.S. If I spelled anything wrong in this post please forgive me. I cant spell wort a darn.

Today is not a good day. Im still dealing with an infection down south and now I think I have a sinus infection. Feeling really crapy right now. My dh didnt want to go to work but we really need the money. He's so considerate, wanting to stay and take care of me. I have so much to do and just dont feel like doing it. I would love to crawl back into bed but every time I lie down it feel like I cant breath. I cant get into the doctors untill Fri so I guess Ill do the best I can. I swear stay at home moms need paid sick days to. All mothers need sick days. Id loved to say to my dd nope moms taking a sick day someone else will do it. Mothers whom work out side the house hats off to you. I dont know how you do it. Going to a job and still coming home to children. So I sit and savor the time before dd wakes up. It seems my immune system is going wacky again. If I get another infection i'll scream. The last sinus infection I had lasted a full month. Hope this one doesnt want to stick around that long.

Yesterday my neice came over to play with dd. That poor girl. She's so angry. Lots of hitting and bitting. I want to keep having her over but also want to keep my dd safe. Although she did better yesterday. She didnt fight when it was time to leave like ususal. That mother of hers is so stupid. Yesterday my mom and her mother took her for a check up. (first one since shes been back) Her mother asked the doctor if she could have gotten her injuries from being anemic. Mind you this child had bleeding on the brain, fist size bruises and hand print all over her body. Her mother so wants to beleive that the father didnt do it because he said he didnt. He's in jail waiting on his court date. He doesnt even have a bond. Yet even though all the doctors said this is a clear cut case of abuse she doesnt want to believe it because he said he didnt do anything. The child almost died. 4 doctors are asking to testify in court agaist him.The police caught him in so many lies. His girlfriend knew what he was doing. I just dont understad how this childs mother wouldnt be out for blood. And yet she is about to have another.(shes 19)I really believe that some people should not be able to procreate. She has put that child through so much. What I dont understand is the court system. If her father gets out he will be allowed to see my neice again. You almost kill your own child and he gets rights! What about her rights. To be protected from her father! Heck to be protected from her mother that at the first chance will hand her right back to her father. Reall angry right now so Ill leave it at that. Ill write again later.

Well its 2:33am and Im awake. Whats a woman to do. Not much has been going on as of late. Just having woman issues. I have a lovely infection(not) and pms. It never dawned on me that by keeping my ovaries I would still go through this. Im cranky as all get out and my boobies are killing me. My dh is sleeping like a baby, snoring up a storm. Why cant I be asleep. I know as soon as he wakes up then Ill get sleepy. Its been like that the last couple of days. I refuse to take my sleep meds. They dont work (Ive tried two) so whats the point. I'll just sit up and listen to the mice. I hope they got the message and will be leaving soon. Its not likely though. We just had snow today and a hail storm yesterday. They want to stay where they can get free heat. Those freeloaders! So Ill keep checking the traps.
I cant believe its been some months now. It seems like I worried over my surgery for such a long time. Waiting really was the worst part. My incision has healed up nicely. I was thinking of getting my tatoo redone. Its aroung my belly button. Pregnancy and being with tumors has really done a number on it . Me and dh joke that I had a black sun there, now I have a universe. Not that I think Ill ever in this life wear a two piece again but you never know. I just want it to look nice again for me. My mother would kill me if she knew. You would think that after 4 of them she would be ok with it. But no, thats not to be. Even though I'm 31 Im still her little girl and she fusses when she doesnt want me to do something. Before having dd i didnt understand that. Didnt like it. Didnt really want to hear it. Now I understand. Im sure when my dd gets older It'll be the same way. I just pray that she comes to understand,with age Im sure, that I only do it out of love. Still its hard to accept it at times. Im also concidering getting my dh's name as a tatoo. I'm so undecide though. When I got my first tatoo I (19) I said Id never get a mans name on me. Now I just feel differently. Back then I was unmarried and that was just unthinkable. But he is my dh. I dont want to think negativly about it but what if something happens to "us"? I dont forsee it but what if? Will I feel stupid? I sort of feel like Im betraying myself for wanting it now because of what I felt back then. I havent told him about it. I know hed be ok with it but Id hate to tell him then decide not to get it. I'll just think on it for a while. But not tonight. People dont make good decisions at 3 am. So I sit here with my old man of a dog (hes 14) and ponder things. Boy I've got to much time on my hands. I think I should lie down and try to get some sleep. :timeup: Bye for now ladies.

Hi MoonMab, so good to hear from you. I really need to catch up with reading bogs to. My comuputers been down for awhile but Im glad to be back among my sisters. You ladies are GREAT! I am going to try and find a way around that woman( crazy therpist). There has got to be a way.

Well saw my dentist this afternoon. They gave me drugs. Ok just novacain. 4 shots to the mouth. I didnt feel much but I look horrible. The left side of my mouth is swollen and I cant feel it or my tongue. Trying to eat was scary. I had food all over my mouth and didnt know. My mom laughed so hard then told me. I stoped eatting after I found I had started to chew my tongue. So waiting for this stuff to wear off. They only finished one side so in two weeks back I go. OH JOY! Not! At least the dentist is good looking and I didnt feel any pain. Out side of the cleaning my teeth are in good shape. Thats it for now. To all the ladies-in-waiting you'll get throught it. Have faith. to all my sisters on the other side enjoy you new you.

Birkylady- Thanks so much for the advice. Im trying not to take it personally when my mom does those things. I guess she feels "safe". She knows that no matter what Im going to be there and love her. Id help her anyway that I can. Its just so hard to do something for those girls when she asks. Its hard to see some you love mistreated by people that she loves and does anything for. At time she seems to say with out words "you'll do this if you love me". It just puts me in a bind. I just dont know how to handle it. I just hope things get better for her. I want her happy. If it comes down to it I can just kidnape her and go so far away that she wont know how to get home. Kidding.

Today I have an appointment with the dentist. Not looking forward to it. I went last week for a cleaning. Not good. An hour and 1/2 of scrapping and they were not finished. I didnt think my teeth were that bad. Guess they were. I hadnt gone in four years so I dont know why I didnt expect it. My dh have bad teeth so every six months he has to have something done to his mouth. Be it root canals, caps or just plain pulling them. Every time I thought of going for a cleaning something decided to fall out of his mouth. Seeing he had the more serious problem I just wanted him to get it taken care of first. And its gone on for four years. Now its my time. Im not looking forward to this. Last week it looked like i would bleed to death out of my mouth. And I choose that day to take dd. I was trying to get her comfortable with the dentist so that she would want to come. Its hard to look like your having the time of your life when you want to scream. I tryed taking her last year and that didnt work to well. At first she was fine. Opened her mouth. As soon as the dentist put his finger in her mouth CHOMP! I just knew he wanted to press charges. Im hoping for a better out come next time. Today I will not be brave. I want Drugs! It was painfully to just eat bread. It does help that the dentist is good looking but I still dont want to go. I have to so I'll buck up. I have to keep these things in my face in good shape. I;ve never had a cavity and there is no way I want anything like a root canal. I did have my wisdom teeth pulled because they were all impacted but I was so druged I didnt know left from right. Unfortunatelly they all ready see bone loss in my jaws due to the meds I take. Ill just make the best of it.

This morning my therpist call to see why I havent been comeing. (shes crazy and need a therpist herself) I tried to explain, yet again, that our $150 an hour relationship was not working. Shes not helping me at all. I would love to change but Im stuck. My insurance company only goes through them in my area. If I want to go to some one else they have to refer me. Namely she has to refer me. That is something she wont do. Its been two years. I deal with some depression and loads of anxiety. Ive suggested group therpy and other things but she not going for it. I dont understand. Even my dh and mom thinks shes off. She wont "let" me do any thing unless its with her only. I thought doctors were supposed to help people. Even if that help comes from someone eles. Well there is no point in going anymore. She just wantes to pump me full of drug that are not helping. I take enought drugs for my lupus thank you I dont want more if they are not helping me. So I've been battling this alone. Ive been better than when I was on the meds. Still Im going to try to find someone else.

My little hurricane is up, got to go. Have a good morning sisters.

Birkylady I was so happy to see your name! I've so missed my sisters. If I didnt say it before Thank You!

Its been hard not having any close friends. My mother and dh are the closest to me and my mother has turned into Sybil. The people in her house are stressing her out so much that she is taking it out on me. I know times are rough for her so I'm just taking it. I did tell her while she was having one of her happy moment that I felt like she was doing just that. Denial still lives so I just make the best of it. When I see that chick Sybil come out I make a quick retreat. Its gotten to the point that the whole family feels like I do. That shes better off with out the whole bunch. But cant make her decisions for her so.... I can see shes hurting but cant to a thing about it. Those girl are as disrespectfull as ever, my neice is driving her crazy (her mother just ignores her) and my moms dh does NOTHING! This is so hard to watch and not be able to do anything.

Its 2:30 in the morning and Im up. Why? Because of unenvited guest. As soon as it got really cold the feild mice moved in. I fell asleep in my dd's room and woke up to the sound of chewing. My dd has a cedar chest in her room and the sound was comming from under it. I though I was crazy. I would have like to think I imagined it. When I turned the light on Mickey made a run for it. OH ITS ON!!! I hate mice. Ok I'm scared of them and I hate them. I want them out! I dont know how to get rid of them. Ive got sticky traps, snap traps and poison. I think they've been making sandwiched out of the poison. Dont they realize they are not wanted. At this point I want to get a cat or a snake. Crazy, Im not scared of snakes but mice i am. The cats out to. My allergies would go nuts. So the fight for eviction continues! I'll teach them to chew my babies chest. I might sound a little off but it is almost 3am. I want to sleep but I keep hearing noises and wondering If its them. What are they doing? Are they pooping all over the place? Trying to sneak food out of the fridge? So Im up. Dh must think Im crazy. I woke him up to try to get Mickey. Of course Mickey was gone and made me look silly. I do feel a bit silly. My friend asked me not to kill the mice. (she loves animals. I do to, except for mice, rats and spiders) Right. I had to tell her if they are not envited they have to go. Leave by choice or leave in a trap. Dead. I prefer dead so that they cant tell their buddies to come over to my place for free eats. Im going to try to go back to sleep now. I did try earlier but I dreamt about throwing books at mice. The darn things were sitting in the middle of my foor not moving untill I threw something at them. Then they moved just enough not to be hit. Hopefully Im dream of having a flat tummy. Might as well dream bit.

I havent been on for a while and remembered how nice it was to blog so now I back. Here's an update.(Sorry its long)
MY surgery was Nov 6 some months past and Im doing pretty good over all. Had some bumps along the way but all healed up. I still have some pain at the incison site. Mostly when I move funny. I have a nice big scar that still itches at times. I dont miss my missing parts at all. It took some time to get use to not having aunt flow but Im happy she's gone for good. My homones went crazy for awhile but they have settled down. No more crying fits. I was really worried about sex with my dh after everything was said and done. Happy to say all that worry was for nothing. Its better now than before. My libido is still sluggish but at least its there. Before there was no libido to speak of.
Some good things have happened since I was last on the site. My neice is back home with my mother. She seems to be doing good as of whole. My dd had her 4th birthday too. We went all out. Disney on Ice, party at Chuck-E-Chesse and skating. She loved her party. (I hate Chuck-E-Chesse's but its not about me) Ive reduced the amout of meds I take for my Lupus. There have also been some not so good stuff. My sister also came home to live with my mother. (8 months pregnant and 19 years old. The mother of my 3 year old neice) My other sister than was in jail went back to live with my mom also. My stepfather loss his job some months back and has no intentions on getting another. So there are 5 soon to be 6 people living in my mothers house and she is the only one working. Needless to say she stressed out. Unfortunately they is nothing I can do to make the things better for her. Just pray that those girls with not act stupid and that my stepfather sees the light soon and gets a job.

We're still down to one car and its driving me nuts. Right now we cant afford to get a second so that leave me stuck at home most of the time while dh works. I dont have many freinds and the few that I have live some distance away. I just feel so isolated. By the time dh gets home Im either to tired to go out or have no where to go. I have started to volunteer at dd's school but thats not enough. (I love my dd but I need a break from her at times to) I was going to wait untill summer to get a car but I dont think I can. Ill be crazy by then. Mabe Ill go looking this weekend.

Thats about it. Back to life as ususal. Minus the bleeding,pain, anut flow, bloating and gas. (Its GREAT)

Went to see my therapist yesterday. I didnt take my meds to get there. Boy was that not good . Night and rain dont make me feel safe. My dh is a good driver :steer: but that doesnt matter. Im still so scared while riding. Anway this lady that charges my insurance company $100 an hour gave me advice to get over my car anxiety. She told me that me and dh should hop on a plane to Florida. Once there dh should hand me the keys :key: to a rental car, tell me to drive home and hop back on the plane leaving me there. Im supposed to drive myself back to Indiana. BYMYSELF. :confuse: I told her you do realize that I have panic attacks on the road dont you. She said oh yeah. Just do it. Tell you family to not come get you and just drive. You'll have to. Let me tell you, sometimes while being driven or driving I really freak out. The whole crying and cant breath thing to the point I might pass out. IS SHE OUT OF HER MIND!!! I cant do that and I wont. My dh said a lot of choice words about her after we left. He could never do that to me. Beside if he did he better not be home when I get back. There would be Hell to pay. Im sorry but that doesnt sound like a cure to me. I drive and not all of the time do I freak out. Im still scared but I do it. I want to learn not to be scared. Its when other people are driving that I freak out bad. I refuse to drive for instance in Chicago traffic. Id lose my mind. So Ive been trying to see another therpist. On another occasion the therpist told me it was ok to be doped up to the point of drooling on myself just as long as I wasnt scared. WHAT! The problem (other than the anxiety) is that in order to see another therpist, closer to my home I might add, I have to get a referral from the therpist I already see. When I told her that she started using delay tactics. OH lets try this, lets try that first. I want out. Today Im going to call my insurance company and see if there is another way. If not Ill go over her head. I have the feeling she just doesnt want to loose the money Im bringing her. If I wanted to just get doped up and not get over this thing Id stay with her. But I really do want help and she is not doing it for me. I have to get away from this crazy woman. Im on cymbalta (dont know if I spelled that right) and now she wants me to take Zoloft . If it will help I will but I want someone elses take on this. Namely another therpists.

Nothing much else to report. Just waiting for Christmas. My mom,stepfather and mil are comming over Christmas. :candy: I cant wait. This Weekend is my famillys breakfast. All my family, aunts,cousins, grandmother get together at one persons house and eat breakfact. In our jammies. This happens every year. We also have a game night and a bowling tournament complete with a trophy. The winner gets to keep the trophy untill the next new winner in the new year. We've done this for years now and I look forward to it. My family is sort of close and its really nice. Its bothers me that my dh's family dont keep in touch with each other. I know it bothers him. I hope that my love makes up for some of it.

Well thats it for now. If I dont write again before Sun I wish everyone a happy Holiday. Enjoy it.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to my sisters for the encouragement! I really needed it. I felt so much better after I read your posts. It is just a bump in the road. Ive done it before, I can do it again. I will keep trying untill I get it right. The smokes are gone and its a new day! I feel really good. My dd is better. Still coughing and has the snotty nose. Shes been acting up so I know she's better. Back to you ladies. I am an only child (my step-sisters dont count. They came along when I was in high school and weve never been close) I now feel like I have big sisters that I can talk to and understand me. You dont judge or make me feel bad for being human. I look forward to seeing your posts. I wish I could meet each and everyone of you and give a well deserved hug. So Im sending cyber hugs your way. Again thank you from the bottom of my heart. With out you ladies I would lose my sanity.

I saw my lawyer last night. He's taking my case and he says it looks good. It will take 6 months for me to see a judge. I had to take one of my anixety pill just to get there.(the meeting place) I must have looked like a loony . I was so spacey. But I was at least calm. The guy was the same in person as on the phone. Flat. He looked as if he didnt have a abilty to smile. He makes me a tad bit uncomfortable but that doesnt matter. As long as hes a good lawyer. I pray he can win this case for me. It would help. More importantly I hope my therapist can help with my anxeity. I have a weird anxeity. Im scared when in cars. Driving :steer: or being driven. Makes it hard to go anywhere. I just have this fear that someone will hit there car we are in. I see in my minds eye my dd flying out the the window and the car being crushed. Im even worried that a car will run into my house. I know its irrational but I cant shake the feeling. It wasnt always like that. After I had dd three years ago this happened along with my lupus. It didnt get bad untill after I didnt have to drive. (Had to take dd to physical therapy 3 days a week for 11 months) After that it happened. I would like to go on trips again. To travel when my body allows me to. Ill get to that point again.

My dh is crazy. Hes going Christmas shopping for my gifts on Sat. For the past 4 years hes waited untill right before Christmas. It amazes me that hes able to find good gifts that soon before Christmas. He hates when the stores are busy. Silly man. Its on him though. Im done with my shopping . All the gifts are wrapped except for dd's. I have to get more wrapping paper for her gifts. She's only 3 and she notices if her gifts from Santa are in the same paper as the gifts we wrap. Smart girl. Every year I say I wont go over board and every year so far Ive bought more that I thought I would. OH well. Its Christmas and she'll only be young once. Its so sweet that she LOVE Santa. She has taken 4 pictures with Santa this year. She even insisted we take the dog for pictures with Santa. (At PetSmart) They looked to cutie.

I hope you ladies have a good day today. Youve made mine. Enjoy!

Six weeks ago I stoped smoking. This weekend I made a terrible mistake. I bought a pack of smokes. I feel so bad. I havent smoked the whole pack but the fact that I smoked any sucks. I feel like I've betrayed my dh. He doesnt know. He's worked so hard to stop i dont have the heart to tell him. Its eatting me alive. I've never kept a secert from him. Well while I was writing this my dh im'd me from work and I told him. I dont know how mad he is. He says that he's not but I know he is dissapointed. I feel really bad right now. I let everyone down. Most importantly myself. I wish I wasnt so weak. My health isnt doing great as it is and Im making it worst. Ive got to find a way to make it stick. Ive thrown the rest away so that I dont smoking anymore. The sad thing is when I smoked it tasted like ****. I didnt like it. I stank and my mouth felt terrible. Maybe this is just a back slide. I wont give up. I cant. I can do this.

This weekend sucked. My dd is sick. Poop, snot, coughing, puke the works. Dh had to work all weekend so It was up to me to do all the care giving. I've been sick myself. My meds make me so nauseous!. Id rather be in pain. I can deal with that better. Dd has'nt been sleeping well at all so she is crancky when she is awake. I just want to get 5 hour striaght. That would be so great. For now thats a dream. To add to that our bills are late. Ok some of them. It makes me so frustrated. Its the Christmas season and it has been tough. Im one of those people whom feel guilty when the bills are late. I know it will get better but I keep thinking when. I want to get a job but my lupus has made it next to impossible to do that. I cant stand or sit for long periods without pain. I have constant fatique. My hands and feet swell. Add some anxiey to boot. Started working while in high school up untill this lupus thing happened. We need the money and I need the adult interaction. Its just not in the plan right now. I just wonder will it ever be. Its been like this for three years. Ive applied for disability because of my family. They think I deserve it. Im not so sure. My doctor agrees but ss/disability doesnt agree so far. So I fight. I will fight for my dd and dh. To hopefully make their lives better. On the up side ive gotten a lawyer that wants to plead my case. I meet with him today. Also I get to see my therapist this week. Maybe she can help me with some of my issues. So its not all doom and gloom.
The lawyer gives me the willies. He's so ...stuffy. He seems to have no personality at all. I was warned before I talked to him that he was like that. I still wasnt prepaired for it. I just pray things work out for us. Ill just take it one day at a time.

Thanks ladies for all the good advice. Im going to give it a little while and if I still have (mental) problems after ive taken my antidepressants for a while Ill find a dr to talk to. My np seems to have more sence than three of the dr's Ive seen. I know she will help.

On the sex thing, my dh isnt in a hurry so I dont have to worry to much. I think he's scared that he will hurt me. He wants to wait another two weeks. Hes so concerned.

I couldnt finished writing yesterday because I got so sick. My mother had to call off work and come over. The last 2 weeks or so my Lupus has been doing me in. Lots of muscle and joint pain. Migraines for the past couple of day. Headaches the other days. I cant even sleep well. I get bad pressure points when I lay down. I flip from side to side trying to deal with the pain. I havent even slept in my own bed so as to not bother my dh. He has to be up and ready to go to work at 3 am.
I cant at least take my pain meds for it now. I was told I might have a flare after my surgery but I didnt really believe I would. I can deal with one issue but pain and my emotions all over the place is getting to me. I see my rhematologist next week and my neurologist the week after . I hope he can do something about these headaches. I did have a little break from them. The week of my surgery and the week after I didnt have one headache. I had had one everyday for monthes before that. My rhematologist says that people with lupus offen suffer from headaches, that I might just have to take pain meds for it. Ive tried meds to prevent them but that has'nt worked. Now he wants me checked by the neurologist to make sure Im not having a clotting problem. It took me two monthes to get in to see her.(the neurologist) I hate having a long wait to see a dr.

Yesterday Walmart called me about our Christmast pictures. They order the wrong pictures and my dd look crazy on them. One eye is open the other was closed. Now we have to go and retake them. Im disappointed that we wont be able to put them in our cards. At least we'll have them back before Christmas. While in Walmart I decided to get my neice something else for Christmas. It will drive her forster parents crazy but thats ok, she will enjoy them. I bought her a toy shopping cart with food and money, and some clothes. My mother bought her a signing Dora doll and a kid size keyboard. My mother and step-father are going to see her this weekend. Their alowed a two hour visit. I wish I could go but I cant see her yet. My dd and myself are riding with them though. Im going to see my friend that lives close. The dr's found a tumor one the roof of ther mouth. They think its cancerous. I keep thinking shes to young for this. Shes not event 30. If its anything this site has taught me its that no one is to young. Cancer runs in her family. Her mother,an aunt and all the that aunts daughters (3) have had cancer. Thats the ones that have survived. Im praying for her. Its wierd. The person that I thought would be there for my surgery and support me didnt. And this friend that I havent know nearlly as long was there every step of the way. Now she has a trial to go through. I want to be there for her just as much as she was for me. Im so worried. I just hope Im feeling better this weekend so I can go see her.

I also want to take my dd to see Charlotte's Web. I have no idea when. I would take her when I go see my friend because she is going with me and my friend dd is the same age. (we were prego at the same time and worked together) jBut my dh would have a fit. He wants to see it to. Maybe on Sun.

Ive talked about my step-sister before. She is so not bright. Well believe it or not she has a sister. (which unfortunately is also my step-sister) Well now that one is in jail for armed robbery. $8,000 bail. Im so happy that my mother doesnt have to money nor the means to get her out. My mother feels bad but I really dont. Just like her sister she is a user and lier. She treated my mother wrong. Cursing her out and being very disrespectful. Both have been arrested. Now shes in jail and wanting someone(my mother) to get her out. Now she wants to do right. NOT! When ever she gets in a jam she wants some one to save her. But whom ever saves her get stabbed in the back. I hope my mom doesnt do something rash.

Well thats it for now. Dd is up and asking for food and the dog wants out. Its a normal morning so far.

I went to the dr yesterday for a five week checkup. The dr i seen is a different from my normal dr. My ususal dr moved out of town. So I go to see this man. He examined me and clears me sex,lifting, shopping whatever. My incision is all healed. He says the smell is just the healing and stitches dissolving. To give it two more weeks and the smell should be gone. I was so happy that he cleared me. Then I asked him about my ovaries and hormones seeing that my emotions are up and down and my breast are swollen and tender.
This guy says "your estrogen is fine, the surgery didnt have anything to do with your emotions" I say so this surgery couldnt cause me to be in temporary menopause. He says no and tells me I can leave. So he doesnt know what hes talking about. Im not sure if I trust what he said now. From what I read on this site most of the women were cleared at 6 weeks. Its been 5 for me. ok 5 and 1/2 for me. If the smell doenst go away like he said in two weeks I go to see someone else. I hate this. My insurance only allows me to go to certain doctors.Out of the 4 in my area Ive been to 3 so far. The one good one (my old dr) is gone. Then there is this one I just saw. (hes a bust) and another one that I saw that told me that my pain was in my head. (he was a real a-hole) I hope everything turns out ok and I dont have to see the last one. Ive heard hes a but head to. In anycase I know its been at least 6 weeks for me and dh but I dont plan on trying for at least another week. Im self conscious right now. My dh understands. Beside I really scared that it will hurt. Just not ready for that yet.

So far Im healing up pretty well. My incision looks good. ( a bit off center) Itches like mad. I still have my steristrips on. My dr told me to keep them untill I see my new doctor which is in two days. Its funny but not. I looked up a question on this site that was bugging me. Ok this is but Ive got a smell that is not good. Not horrible but not good. Nothing else is going on in the southern land so im not worried about it. It was just good to find out that it can be normal. Anyway my dd floored my yesterday. She walked in on me using the restroom and said mommy you vagina smells like fish in a pond. Oh that made me feel so yucky. I know its not that bad but to hear that from my kid, I just dont know. I cant wait to get to the doctor. I hope it goes away when Im all healed up. I hope he give me the go ahead for everything. I miss bathes and well other things that I cant do. But I really want to be checked out to make sure everything is ok. At two weeks my incision was still open. I have a feeling that he's going to give me two more weeks at least. I heal so slowly because of my meds.

Ive still been up and down emotionaly. I was on antidepressant up untill my surgey but they didnt give them to me in the hospital. I didnt question that then and I should have. I was just so scared of having the surgey I forgot to ask about it. Heck while in the castle I had issues just getting pain meds so I really didnt think about the antidpressant. Now I have to start them again. I hope it helps with some of my mood swings. It feels like I have PMDD again. I just hate that the drugs are so expensive. Alone its not that bad. ($50 for the antidressant) But with my standard four doctors appts. a month and $150 in meds a month it gets to me. Especially with Christmas comming up so soon. I know I dont have to get presents but for my dd I do. I cant tell her Santa cant bring her presents. Ill forgo things for myself so she can have what she wants. She only asked for lip gloss, a dinosaur and a doll. Of couse I got lots more. Things that I thought she would like. I sure by Jan. she wont care about most of it. But it doesnt matter, even knowing that I still got it. I am happy to say that Im finished shopping. I got the last thing for her yessterday. I must have been craZy. I went to Toys R Us. The store was like a parting lot, lots of people moving no where. If it wasnt for my surgery I would have had it all done by the day after Thanksgiving. Never again. Ill never go to Toys R us again this close to Christmas.

I talked to my friend that I was upset about. (I felt that she wasnt supportive during my surgery) I finially let her have it. Not in a nasty way, I just told her how I felt. Like she had no time for me and wasnt there during an important time in my life. That she is my best friend and she dropped the ball big time. She said she didnt mean to hurt me and didnt realize that she wasnt as supportive as she could have been. I do believe her but it still pi es me off that she pushed me aside for a guy. And a jerk to boot. She doenst realize that this quy is bad news but she will in time. I think she feels like shes running out of time. Shes 28 and worried about getting married and having kids. I want to tell her she has plenty of time but I really dont know that. Like in my case. If Id known that Id have a hysterectomy by 31 I would have started having kids earlier. Then I would have had two. But who knew. I just hope she makes the right desicion about this guy

That it for now. have a good night sisters.

Well I havent written in a while. My emotions have really been up and down. I though by now the old overis would have woken up but its a no go.

First off I did go the the school that next day after the incedent with dd. The teacher had the nerve to be upset that I went over her head an talk to the principal. She tried to talk down to me. I know Im a first time mom and I look young (I look like Im 15) but that is NO EXCUSE! I dont think so. We got the principal in there and I went off. I found out the spanking wasnt really a spanking. (I didnt take the teachers word for it. My dd told me to) Regardless I made it be know that she is not to be touched. I wanted her moved to another room but my dd doesnt want to go. The teacher thought that I wanted to move her because of what she did. Saying that you cant move her everytime she acts out. I informed her i wanted her moved because her teacher didnt know how to communicate! She was honkerblonked because she ended up getting disciplined. It was a whole lot of BS let me tell you. I do believe in spanking that was not the issuse. In some cases I think thats fine.(etc. running out in to the street) But only by myself or my husband. Most cases we do other punishments. We only spank if she is in real danger.No one should be touching my child. I made that known. She was moved to another class and that teacher has been told and warned. I will prosecute if there is a next time. I live in a area where is is common to spank. Growning up everyone was spanked. I do believe there is a difference between spanking and beating. So these teachers seem to think its no big deal. I would never touch anothers child like that. My dd has been spanked twice in her 3and 1/2 years. Once for trying the run into a very busy street and once for reaching for a pot on the stove(it was on the back eye and she climbed to get to it) I didnt like it but it needed to be done. Any how that has been taken care of. I did also talk to the childs mother and she is ok. The mother thankfully was very understanding. I whole heartly apologized. Now that thats over I hope there are no more ascendants.

Just call me miss mood swing. This is like having pmdd. If youve never suffered with it your blessed. My dh is dealing with it really good. My mother, well she is trying. Last week I had one day that i just could not stop crying. Everytime my dh talked to me I cried. Hed try to comfort me and Id cry harder. Its got to be my hormones. My breast are killing me like Im pregnant again. Its funny but the only thing I keep thinking is I cant wait untill the dr gives me the ok. I need to work off some of my stress. I havent smoked in 4 and 1/2 weeks and Im trying to keep it up. (dh hasnt smoked either) I just been so stressed lately and have no outlet. My so called freind that didnt really support me called yeasterday. I wasnt in a pleasnt mood. It was not a good day to talk to me. Upon answering the phone I go" OH hi, I see you found 2 mins in your oh so busy life to call your best friend. I feel so special. What did I do to deserve this?" Ok I said i wasnt being nice. I felt bad for being like that but Ive been so hurt over her lack of ... concern, friendship I dont know what to call it. It seems everytime she get a new boyfriend she forgets her female friends untill the guy hurts her. I thought that that wouldnt be the case when it came time for my surgery. She's been there for every other important event in my life, why should this one be different. After all I'd told her about my fear of dying on the table. Well NO! She forgot all about me. Now she pops up like nothing is wrong. Im probably irrational right now so I hope to be better next time I talk to her. Even still she did really hurt me.

Ive been so depressed as of late. Time for the vent.
1 we are so broke
2 we need to move and we dont have the money
3 my dd is acting like a demon from H***
4 Im now for sure that im losing my mind
5 alone with my mind Im losng my hair
6 My hands and feet have been swelling all the
time now
7 WHAT IS THAT SMELL?
8 my family is driving me nut with the old wives
tales (I shouldnt go out this soon after surgey,its
been 4 and 1/2 weeks)
9 Im just over all depressed

Ok enouth venting for now. I hope today is better.

Im running away from home. One day. Maybe today. I might wait untill tomorrow. But I will youll see. Today my dd lost her mind. I dont know where or why but she did. She comes home from school and tells me "mommy I kicked ____ in the face" I go you did WHAT! Yes she kicked someone in the Face. I got on the phone with her teacher thinking that cant be right. Well it was. The teacher said my child walked over to this girl and just kicked her. (the child was sitting on the floor) Im so shocked I dont know what to say. I cant believe it. The teacher said that this girl hadnt done anything to my dd. I just dont understand. I asked if the child was ok and she is. The mother was upset wich is understandable. She must think that my child is being raised by rabid monkeys. I feel so bad. I dont understand why my child would do this. I asked her and she kept saying she was being mean. For no reason. I know there is more to this story. On top of that I couldnt believe this teacher didnt call and tell me what happened. She spanked her and told her to tell me what happened. NO I shouldnt have heard this from a 3 year old . What if she decided or forgot to tell me? I would think this mother would want to speak with me. NO one gave this teacher the go ahead to spank my child. Yes, she should have been disciplined but in some other way. I also should have been called. When I talked to the teacher I was to shocked to really tell her how I feel but tomorrow I will be going to her school bright and early. If the teacher cant keep her hands off my child she will not go back. I dont think Im going to let her go back to the same teacher if I can help it. I just dont trust her anymore. Who would leave it up to a 3 year old to tell something like that.? Ive had problems with this teacher this year. Nothing big. I send notes and there never answered. I call and dont receive a return call. I have a feeling there is more to this story that Im not being told. I am the first to admitt my child is far from perfect but this is not normal for my baby. She the type that loves to hug. Everybody. All the time. Even if they dont want to be hugged. I really feel there is something else going on that led up to it. Ive had this feeling for two weeks that something was not right. All of a sudden my child didnt want to go to school. Shed cry before going. At the bus she would be ok. I thought it had something to do with my surgery. I might still be that but I need to try and find out. I might never find out but I do know that her teacher isnt helping. If she is going to keep putting her hands on my baby and not communicate when some things wrong I have to take her out of school. Ill try to get her into another class first. That school is the only free pre-school around here. Ill see what happens. Ill try to keep my cool tomorrow and not slap the teacher for hitting my child. But right now Im heated!!!! MY car killer dh isnt being much help. I was upset about my baby kicking someone but Im more upset about an adult hitting her. Kids have to learn. This woman has no right. I will Handle it.
Dh is ok with me talking to the teacher. I would have thought that He would want to go to. NOPE! MEN! Cant live with them and cant legally kill them.Oh well.
Nothing much else to report.(that was enough) My incision is still open. It is itching like mad. The strips have started to fall off so I replaced them. My doctor told me they had to stay on for another 3 weeks. I wish my incision wasnt so sore. I still cant wear my regular clothes. One, I still have swelly belly and two, the zippers on my pants irritate it. So sweats for me for a little longer. My incision is so ugly right now. Its not green or anything just what I consider ugly.

Its late and for once Im sleepy. Thank you ladies for all the support . DH and I have been talking and are looking for a marrige counsler or group or something. Hes willing to work on things so there is hope. My mother, well, thats another story.

Oh I almost for got. Found out about my neice today. The detective found out that her blow to the head was NOT an accident. It happened while she was with her father. They (the state) plan on pressing charges . The problem is that stupid(my step-sister) knows this and she is living with the father. If she moves out but stays around him I know she'll let him see her. I can only pray they take her away from both of them. They did say that my mom and my family can come and see her. She might even be able to stay with us some weekends.(shes still in forster care) I do hope my mother or myself gets custody.

Thanks again for being there for me. Sending big 's to all of you. Now its time to

My weekend was interesting. On Sat. a friend of mine was comming to see me. This is the same friend whom before I had surgery didnt really support me. She said two days before that she was comming to see me. That day she didnt call so I decided to go to the movies with dh and dd. I had a feeling that if I waited around for her Id end up waiting for nothing. Glad I didnt wait. She didnt call or come by. That ticked me off . On the other side of the coin we saw Happy Feet . I just loved it. DD love it to. All the rest of the day she danced around saying she had happy feet. It was really good. Lots of singing and music . It even has more than one message at the end. (conserve earths resources, differnet doesnt mean its wrong, acceptance) My dh grumbled " why does it have to be a message to the movie, why cant Hollywood just make a movie." I told him whats wrong with having a message. Kids now a days see so much junk seeing a message (a good one) is good for them. IF its positive there is no harm done. Men. He had to have something to say. I must be living under a rock. I didnt realize that it cost so much to see a movie now. $18 bucks for the three of us before 5. Thats just to much.
After the movie we went to the Olive Garden. Shouldnt have. DD was so sleepy and hyper . Just all over the place. Asking people to go home and play with her. She wasnt bad just so hyper.


Im shocked I even felt like going to the movies. Dh went to get gas before we left for the movies. Well mr. I dont pay attention hit a light pole. He side swiped it :steer: . My whole door and behind it is dented and scrathed. He came in the door and said I dented your car. NO!! He jacked up the whole side of my car. It goes beyond a mere dent . This door has been replaced once. I could have killed him. He just wasnt paying attention to what he was doing. He turned into the pole. DUH! What could he have been thinking. Instead of stopping the car when he realized what was happening he just kept going forward. Some days I just want to slap that man. I cant understand how you can turn a coner and turn into a light pole. Its not small. You can see it. I was so upset with him. All I could do is cry . We dont have the money to replace that door or the panel. Its the only car we have and hes hell bent on destroying it.
ok not really but it seems like that. He is so hard on cars (and clothes) He killed his a year ago. We havent had the money to by a second car so we just have mine. I know he didnt mean to scratch up the car so I had to let it go.

Any how after we got home from the movie we were going to put up our Christmas tree . Wouldnt you know it. Every set of lights was out but one. I didnt want to put up the tree without lights and I didnt feel like going and getting more so we just didnt put it up. I was still disapointed about me car so my mother took dd so we could watch the 40 year old virgin. Its a funny movie . Not for anybody that easily offended. And not for kids but its funny.

Sun I went to my moms house for breakfast. I needed to run away from my family.(Mom lives across the street) We had a long talk about married life. How men change over time. Frankly speaking this is not what I thought married life would be like. Its not bad but its not what it should be. I dated my dh for 5 years before we married. The change didnt come untill dd was born 3 1/2 years ago. He's gotten so lazy. Saying he doesnt have time to do anything I ask him to. It had gotten so he would only get on the computer and go to work. My mother didnt want me to talk to him for fear that he would leave me. I told her that if he leaves there is nothing I can do about it but I will not sit and be unhappy with the way things a going. She is not happy in her marrige and thinks she is to old to leave or be by herself.(She 56) I just cant see staying and being unhappy. I told her that I had to talk to dh. That if he loves me we can work it out. Things can be done. I will not just sit quietly and say nothing. I expect our lives to change after dd but not this much and in these ways. I wont go into everything about dh's changes, lets just say that this is not working for me. Im starting to be unhappy. So after leaving my moms we sat down to talk. He says he didnt realize that things were the way they are and that we can work on it together. Im just waiting to see. Actions speak louder than words. I just feel so bad for my mom. Being stuck in a loveless marriage. I dont think I could do it. I try to do all in my power to make her feel loved but Im not her husband and cant love her like one. She's scared to be alone. I've tried to convince her to move in with us but she wont. She thinks she'll be inthe way. I just want her to be happy.

OH my friend called on Sun. (I was out and didnt talk to her) Come to find out she was in town. She just didnt call me. How rude. She could have at least called to say that she wasnt coming over. Normally I would have sat at home and waited. Glad I didnt. No realy excuse. She said that it wasnt like I had anything to do any way . Thanks! Way to go for not thinking my time is valuable. Oh I will have a talk with her. Lately shes gotten to the point that she doent think how her actions effect other people. If the tables were turned she would have been hurt to. Ill talk to her when my emotions arent so all over the place.

Sun I did get my X-mas lights. Also got wooden ornament that we painted for the tree. This year we have all blue lights with blue and silver ornments. (also your special ornaments) We put red lights all over the house. I dont think weve ever gotten the tree up this soon after Thanksgiving. I just need to finish some shopping and Im set.

I go back to the doctor in 3 weeks. I cant wait. Im tired of taking just showders. My incision is getting to me. It hurts a little and is starting to itch. It doesnt look good either. Its off center. I know what a vain thing to worry aboout. Its just that One day I hope to get my tummy flat again. Right now i look prego . As soon a the doctor gives me the ok its off to someones gym to work out . I want to get back to me pre-depo shot weight. OK maybe not that small(98 pounds) down to 105 . Im only 5feet 1 inches so 105 doesnt look like Im starving. 98 pounds looks like I need to be on the feed the children commercials. If I cant do it through exercise it wont get done. I dont do diets. I like my food thank you very much. I do eat pretty healthy so it shouldnt be a problem. Can anybody suggest a good gym that I wont have to offer blood to to join?

Well Ive rambled on enough for today. Ive got to get it moving.

Oh and Birklady I would love for you to give me the serving sizes. I dont want to expect dh to eat more than she needs to. Also do you have any tips on getting a child to take vitamins? Ive tried the gummie ones, Flinstone and lots others and she just wont take them. Should I just make her take the liquid ones and be done with it? I know she wont fall apart with out eating vegetables but I feel like she will.

Hope you ladies have a great day!

Thanksgiving was a great day. I made so much food. I always do that even though its only 3 of us. Everthing came out good. Well my turkey, he got a little burnt. This year we wanted to fry the turkey. Dh took it out before it was time and it still was a little to crisp on parts. It was fine though. Good for our first try.Oh I was happy. MY uncle make chitterlings and gave me some. For all you who dont know what that it its pig intestines :snort: . Yes thats right pig intestines boiled with seasons *pig* . What can I say, its an acquired taste not for the faint of heart. They look really gross but I like them. It was just nice not to have to clean them. Any way i did go to my bil's house. I should have stayed home but I wanted to make my dh happy. Well dd got sick the night before. (barf all over mom for 10 points now repeat) That means mom gets no sleep. so I was tired going over there. Almost left the dish I was to bring. For some reason dd acts out when ever we go there. This time was no exception. I hate when she does this. They all ready treat her different and now it seems like shes a bad kid. Shes not but taking her over there brings out the worst in her. Bil and Mil kept chastising her for ever little thing. I dont like that at all. Im her mother and her father is also sitting right there. Thats our job. I didnt want to but I had to let them know that excuse me thats my child. I will do the discipline if it needs be. Now if their child was theirs (bil and his wife) nothing would have been said to that wild child. Anyway we ate and ran.

At home I finished cooking and both dh and myself ate again. Dh doesnt eat, she lives off that new diet air. I just dont understand how she can grow. She doesnt eat anything. They say 3 year olds are like that but really i didnt think to this extreme. Her diet consist of pancakes, sausage, milk, fruit, bread and if Id give it to her all the time bologna and hot dogs. One day she'll eat. I hope anyway.

Yeaster day we did the black Friday thing. My family was not happy with me . They didnt think that I should have been out 2 and 1/2 weeks ofther surgery. I know they mean well. I was out there a 5:30 getting gifts . I went to Menards first. I thought know one will go to a hardware store. Wrong! They had DVD players for $16. I wanted to get one for dd's room so I didnt have to deal with the kid movies all the time. At 6:01 am When we got in the store the dvd players were gone. (store opened at 6) A sweet lady had 6 yes 6 in a cart. We asked her where they were and she just gave us one of her's. People were grabing things they didnt event need then offering us one when we asked where in the store they got it. From there we hit Target to get HarryPotter scene it. They had two left. Then to Walmart to get a Holiday Dora Doll, two left. On to Value City , toys and kids clothes then home. A total of 2 and 1/2 hours. We did got everything we set out to get. Dh didnt seem to happy this shopping trip. I think he was woried that some one would bump me in a mad dash to get to something. Thats why i saved going to Walmart till later. There is always fighting in there. I wasnt to tired. My arthritis started to kick my butt after a while so I knew it was time to go home. We laid around doing nothing yeasterday evening. Just ate and ate then ate some more.

Today we plan to take dd to the movies. We havent decide on if we'll see Santa Clause 3 or Happy Feet . I think we'll let dd decide. thats all for now. I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Today I had my two week post op appt. I must say I love my dr . This was the last time that I will see her. She's moving to VA next week. It sucks, I find a doctor that I just love and she leaves. Oh well cant have everything. Anyway the post op went ok. She checked my incision and said that it is healing really slowly. We both expected that. The top of it is closed but the bottom is wide open. She didnt want to stich it back close so she just repalced the strips on it. Im not a squeamish person but I was glad that i couldnt see the open part. My mother says its just pink but still I keep imagining a gapping hole. So still no bathes for me. Its only been two weeks but I miss taking a bath. I have to see someone else for my 6 week check up. I know it wont be my previous dr. That jerk didnt think it was a problem that my fibroids were causing pain. The refused to do the surgery. The last time I saw him he told me my pain was "in my head" In my head my a . He had the nerve to say upon walking in the room "oh having pain with sex Again" like he was tired of hearing it. I told him that if his wife wasnt bleeping him because of pain he'd see that as a problem and do something about it. Needless to say I refuse to see him.

I think I over did it a little yeasterday. My lovely dh stilled a two liter of pop on the floor. He "cleaned" it up. Well it was a sticky mess later. So I moped the kitchen. I should have told him to do it but he would have had a attitude about it. Its not my fault he didnt use cleaner. So today Im a little in pain. Between that and my doctor taking a look and see my tummy is not happy. I really hate exams but she wanted to feel my stiches. (YEW) That what if felt like to, Yew. I have a lovey boil down south to so my southeren parts are not having a good day. Out side of that things are going good.

Im going to start my stuffing today. My grandmothers recipe calls for the stuffing to be bakes twice. So Ill do the first baking today and the second tomorrow. I want to fry my turkey this year but still have yet to go out and buy a turkey fryer. Last year we smoked the turkey. My dh got up at the crack of dawn to start it. He sat for hours out side with the thing. Like the turkey was going to walk away. He had to bond with the smoker. Must be a man thing. I hope he is carefully with the fryer. I dont want to be on the news because he burned down the house.

Im going back and forward on if I should go to bil's house. I want to for my dh. He doesnt want to admit that his mother feels like she does. I know he never will. He thinks its all in my head. Everyone see it but him. He never will. She's his mom. What ever I decide it will be right for dd and myself.

This weekend Im going to have dh put up our tree . Its a fakey but I like it. Last year we have a live tree.(my first) For some reason I'm in a rush to put it up so fakey it is. Im also going to have him put the lights on the house befor the weather turns to cold. I might try to talk him into taking us (dd and myself) to the movies after dinner on Thanksgiving to see Happy Feet. There are so many things comming out that I want to see. There is the Nativity, Charlottes Web and Eragon. I still have to see the Santa Clause 3. Boy do I sound like a kid at heart or what. I hope dd want to see Happy Feet or Ill have to borrow a child so that I wont be the only adult with out one in the theater. If I am though so what. Im grown I can do that. Im also going to try to make it to the circus this weekend.

Well my dd will be home from scholl any min. so Im off to get dinner started. I have no idea what Im going to make. Talk to you later.

ps I lost 2lbs. not due to not eatting cuz I piged *pig* :snort: out after getting out of the hospital. Now if I can loose this belly. lol

Birklady-My dd is 3 and she does notice that somethings not right. She doesnt understand why she seesmy mother a lot but doesnt see my dh's mother but once every three monthes. When she does see her she cries while she is leaving and asks her when she'll come back. See never has an answer.

Moodmab- I see my dr on the 21th so Ill let you know what she says.

Sisterof3- Im so glad to here that there is acceptance in this world. My family has accepted my dh from the start. Their veiw is as long as he treats me good it doesnt matter. They have never acted like he was an outsider. Our family is a big melting pot. Latin, african, african-american,french you name it weve got it. Our lives are richer for it. I know you know what I meam.

NoniHOhio- Thank you for being that was with your dd. I was such a blessing to not have to worry about my mom liking someone for that reason. I hope more mothers are like you and my mom.

Yesterday dh and I had a long talk. I dont know if what Im feeling is right or not. Its about the family. As you know mil doesnt care for me to much. No big deal. When it comes to dd I have to care. Its like this,mil doesnt see dd much. Maybe once every three or four monthes. (We live 10 min. apart) We dont go over mil's place much because of her husband. Mil and husband dont live toghether because the husband was very abusive. He abused my dh and his brother.(not thier sister)
Mil didnt move for this reason. She moved so the sister wouldnt get hit. Anyway, I dont feel comfortable with my dd going over her house. My dh says his mother wont let anything happen. I say if she let it happen to you, her own child, untill you left why would she stop it now? I dont trust her or him out of my sight. I cant tell her whom to have in her house but I can try to control who my dd is in contact with. Her husband doesnt live there but she callshim&he pops up when ever we are there. (Oh hes a comfirmed racist to boot)
Why she does this I dont know. She knows how we feel about him. I know I cant be wrong in feeling like I should keep dd away for mil's house. She's mine and I will protect her. My dh thinks I should give his mother another chance. I think he is crazy. Regardless he will go by what I say. Do you ladies think Im being to harsh? That I should give mil a chance? Honestly I dont think I will but I really want to hear what you all have to say. I didnt want to post this on the message board, I feel closer to you ladies that already read my journal. Please tell me what you feel on the subject. Id be so greatfull. Sorry that the subject is not light and airy. Is hard to deal with something like this on my own. As you all know Ive just had surgery and am very emotional right now. I watched Extrem Home Makeover last night and cried like a baby. I cant seem to watch anything with out crying. I sure will be happy when Im past this phase. I do hope I pass it.

So far everything is right in my world. Although its 9am there is still time. I had a good nights sleep. My dd was is the bed with me so I dont know how that happened. (the good nights sleep) Children sleep so wild. Leg and arms all over the place. Feet in you ear. She's a little rag doll. We are going to watch Charlie Brown Thanksgiving tonight. Im so excited. The little things make me happy. I so love this time of year. I think I'll send dh out for the After Thanksgiving Shopping. We love it. I have gone for three years in a row. Yep, were usuall out there with the rest of the crazy people at 3 in the morning. Its not that I Have to get that special something. Its just that dh and I find it fun. Every year we see an example of human stupidity. Its so sad. Grown Women throwing punches over a doll. Does their kid need that doll so bad that its worth going to jail over? Assulting some one over? Other than seeing something like that its fun.
Its like an event we train for. We getup and put on layers of clothes. Dont eat because we are so excited. Map out where were going then were off. We even have a plan when we get in the stores. Dh is defence, he makes sure I dont get smashed and I wiggle throught the crowd to grap what we want. If there is a real rush I dont go. I would not like to end up a pancake. This year i dont think him or my mom will let me go. Oh I could go but then Id have to deal with those two. Its so not worth it. So if I cant go Ill send dh. There is a mp3 player I want for dd. I know its stupid, what does a 3 year old need an mp3 player for? She doesnt. But I thought it would be cool and keep me sane. I wont have to listen to the Wheel on the Bus 15 times in a row. If he can get it fine, if not fine. So far Im lucky. DD just asked for dinosaurs for Christmas. (shes lovedthem for two years) I dont know when she will grow out of this stage but untill then Ill get her dinosaurs. She has about 150 plastic ones already. Why would she possible want more. Out side of that she is a simple kid to buy for. Like most kids she would rather build something from a box than get alot of stuff. Ive learned the had way that out of the stuff we buy she will only touch, let alone play with 10% of it. Her first Christmas I went out of control buying stuff. (She was 10 mth. old) I just gave away most of the stuff unused. So Ive learned. I'm getting a few things that I think she will enjoy and some things i know she needs.(like socks)

Now dh is a big kid. Every year I have to buy him toys. Men are just large boys. Last year it was a remote controled boat. This year he wants a Lord of the Rings game. He'll just die if I buy him a sweater. But like my dd he'll get some clothes. Unlike my dd he doesnt grow out of them. Like a ruff boy he destroyes them. How is it he can manage to tear the knee out of all hisjeans inyear. All of them. Every year atChristmas I buy new jeans and shirts for him. By the end of the year they are only fit to wash the car with. I onthe other had have clothes from high school. (13 year ago) I can keep clothes forever. It will take that long to get back in them if I wanted. He cant make them last a year.

Im even getting my doggie something. I dont know what yet. He has a bomber jacket and toys. Maybe dog booties. He getting old and doesnt like the cold on his feet.

This year will be the first that we take dd with us to find a special ornament. When we first got together we went out and looked for an special ornament to decorate the tree. Afer dd was born we also got and ornament for her so that went she left home she would have stuff for her first tree. We usually go to Chicago and make a day of it. Stores and Hot coco. But Chicago is so windy and cold around this time that I usuall dont take her. I think this year she might be able to handle it. (With about 8 layers of clothes) I really depend on just how cold it is.

Well dd is waking up and its time to be the short order cook, Bye 4 now

First off thank you to all the sisters for your posts and support. When I first started this journey I felt so alone. Now I feel like a belong to a huge group of women. An exclusive club that only women whom have gone through what I have and understand just what I feel can belong. Its not something we all wanted exactly but because of things happening in out lives we had to make a choice. Hopefully we all choose for the best. I guess Ill only find out down the road. For now I feel I've made the right decision. Thank you for understanding and being there when I need a ear, to vent, to ask or just to talk. You are irreplaceable.

It's funny. Right after the surgery I felt so good. No real pain or fatigue. As the days have past I seem to feel worst. My incison is weeping more and I'm spotting. Im more tired and I feel like my insides are going to fall onto the floor. Ive been quite irritated today. Thank God I was alone for most of the day. (DH was at work and dd went to my moms house) I made a pilgrim and turkey center peice for my table. I had tried to sleep but of course it didnt happen. Im glad no one was here. I Know I would have bitten everyones head off. Heck i think I was irritated with my self today.

After dh goting home I sent him right back out to get some stuff for turkey day.I cant wait. My brother-in-law had invited my family over for Thanksgiving but I dont think I will go. For two reasons. One I dont feel comfortable around some of the family members that will be there. Namely my mother-in-law and my brother-in-laws wife's and her family. I feel so uncomfortable around them. To be honest I dont think they care for me because of my race. Im black and everyone else is white. I ususally dont have a problem with them. Its just that when Im around its like Im invisible. No one talks to me. Their views leave something to be desired. To say the least I just get the feeling that Im not wanted. Ill leave it at that. Normally I would go and not let it bother me. I dont have to see them much and I dont have to live with them. I do it for my husband and child. This time I just dont feel up to it. I dont feel like pretending like I dont notice the things that happen around me. I guess I need to get things off of my chest. I think my mil doesnt like the fact that I married her son. Its not up to her, which I understand, I just wish she would judge me for the person I am, not my skin color. It hurts me to not be fully accepted for me. I have never looked at a person and thought less of them because of skin color. This is something I chose and now I have to deal with what ever comes my way. I'm up to that but I cant help but feel it shouldnt be that way. I guess in a perfect world it wouldnt. I dont care if they ever accept me. I just want them to look at my child as a product of love and love her. No matter what color her skin is. She's family. It makes me bitter that they treat her different. I dont want to take her around them. But I keep praying that things will change. That they will wake up one day and say what a wonderful child. Look what I've been missing out on. Untill that day I will keep trying. Not for their sake but for my childs. If it ever comes a time where they hurt her or say something inoperative I will have to show my a . Cuz no body messes with my baby.

Ok I didnt mean to get into a deep subject. I needed to get that off my chest. I have no one I can really talk to about it so Im using my journal to vent. I hope I dont offend anyone who reads this. If I have I do apologize. That was not my entent.

OH my second reason for not going is I just dont feel like going. I want to be lazy. So anyway I plan to eat and eat and then eat some more. With some maylox taken in between. I just know Ill have gas.

Boy nothing like family issues to make you feel like crap. Now I dont feel much like writing so Ill post again later.

After I posted here I wrote dh a 4 page letter. I vented, fussed and cussed. Then had a couple of hours to think on it. I know it wasnt fair but everytime he called home I gave him the cold shoulder. I did him the same way he does me. Whats wrong. Nothing. He called all day long trying to get me to talk. Didnt like it when the roles were reversed. I did think about everygthing for a long while. I know its just me being over sensitive. Normally I still would have been mad about it but I wouldnt have let it bother me so. Im not a person that holds on to bad feelings. I acknowledge my feeling, vent if I need to then move on. Anyway he came home bearing candy, ice cream and lots of junk food. Thats fine with me. Right now Im not trying to lose any weight. At least not untill Im all healed up. I told him about the letter but told him I didnt want him to read it. I didnt want him to get the wrong idea. He's really sensitive and I didnt want to hurt his feelings. Writing the letter helped me. I needed to vent. Some of the things I said in that letter would have just hurt him and not been productive. So I just let it go. He at least realized why I was mad so that is something. I hope my hormones come back. This is like having PMDD. I thought I was past all that.LOL

Other than that everything is ok. My incision is weaping a little more. It feels weird. Kind of hurts but not bad. I have the falling out feeling again. Im going to try to keep on my belly band. That seems to help. I still have a bit of a pink discharge but its not much. I just hope everything heals up good. Dr's told me with my lupus meds I might heal a lot slower. So we'll see.

I still havent heard much on my neice. I do know that she is taking physical and speach therapy. The case worker said she's doing real good. I start my foster care classed in mid Dec. Its still a wait and see game. I just hope my neice wins out. Her mother is still up to her old tricks. She's about 7 monthes pregnant and hasnt found her brain yet. Last time the family heard she was drinking. How could she! It may sound cruel but some people should not be able to bear children. She doesnt care what happens to that child. She has this nothing can happen to me attitude. I know shes young(18) but I never was that stupid. I might have helped that I grew up around adults. I was the first and oldest grandchild in the family. My next closes cousin just turned 18. I was by myself (as far a kids) for a long time.

So there it is. Ive temporally returned from the I'm sure Ill be going back more than one time before this trip is over. Ill try not to loose to many marbles in between. You ladies are wonderfully. Dont let anyone tell you different. You help me to keep my head up. I know that it's going to be alright. Even if I have to go on an unwanted roller coster ride. At least I have friends along for that ride. Thank you for all of your support. I so glad I dont have to go it alone. Good night for now.

I know its all in my mind. Nothing seems right right now. I want to kill my dh. Ok, not really. Its just that for the last week Ive felt like my dh cant talk or do anything with out me getting up set. Im crying one moment then laughing the next. Im living in the . All of a sudden I feel like my relationship is doomed. Like I dont know him anymore. He's been doing little stupid things. Like he ate all of the Girl Scout Cookies while I was in the hospital. Didnt save me one. Not 1! He knows I love GSC's. How inconsiderate. He also are all the chocolate bars out of my dd Holloween candy. Oh he shared with her but didnt save me any. Is he crazy, has a death wish. Its not so much the candy, its that He didnt think of me at all. There isnt a time where i dont think of him. I wouldnt think of eating anything with out offering him some. Heck when I go out to eat without him I always bring him something back. Even if I've cooked for him before I left home. Its the little things he does/doesnt do that bothers me. Then he goes sorry. But does it over and over again. Are we not learning here. Maybe Its me thats not learning. I should have learned that some things will not change. Anyway these things are little things. Its not like he's cheating. So why am I so mad at him? Its not serious. I feel like were going to be in trouble down the line. Maybe because I'm worried about every little thing. X-Mas is comming and we are broke. Our bills are late and things just arent right. I wrote dh a letter to tell him how I feel so hopefully between the two of us we can figure something out.

News- I wish I could do all of your shopping. It would be so fun.

Ladies- Thanks for your concern and support. Im still doing what my mom says and staying in. Its killing me but Im being a good girl.

Today was not good. It started ok. Didnt do much this morning. When dd came home was when the train wreck happened. She looked at me with those big brown eyes and said "Mommy, have some milk and cookies with me while we snug on the couch". I couldnt help it. I had the milk and cookies. You see milk and I dont see eye to eye. I knew I would get sick but I just couldnt say no to her. The pain I have been in was worst than the surgery. I felt as if I was going to all day. Ive only been to the potty 7 times. What is this,bowel prep all over again. Well Now I know my lesson. Milk 1 Selena 0. Lots of gas.

My emotions have been all over the place. Just honkerblonked off with everything. My mother is driving me crazy. She wont let me do anything. And if she hands me another glass of water I WILL SCREAM! I just feel like I hate everything. Ok Hate is to strong a word. Really dislike. MY dh, the dog, the giuina pig the weather. Get my meaning. Everthing but my dd. I dont know whats going on. I took a long hot hoping that would help. But I had dd knocking on the door yelling mommy I want in. No peace there. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. Ill pray for no gas, no weeping and a better attitude. I dont like to be grumpy cuz I know I can be a real B. Have a good night ladies. Im off to bed. :bedjump: The next day will be better.

Feeling ok to day. Things are getting back to normal now. Yeasterday I cooked dinner. Just put something in the crock-pot but its a start. My mother has gone back to work. Dh will go back to his regular shift soon. Dd doesnt want to go to school. Everything is fallin' back into place.

I feel a little tired today. Yesterday I was a bundle of energy. The great event has happened. I went poo!!!! I had started my stool softeners days ago and nothing happened. Today I did a cup of HOT prue juice. YUMMM. It worked. I'm so glad. I was starting to feel so full. Other than that I've been great. A little pain every now and again but not enough to take any pain pills. Tomorrow Ill sit down and write thank you notes to everybody who called or sent cards while I was in the hospital. I could do it today but I just dont feel like it.

What I really want to do is go shopping. I started a month ago getting my dd and dh's stuff. I didnt know how I'd feel after the surgery so I wanted to get their stuff out of the way at least. I love to shop! Even at X-Mas time. My perfect job would be a personal shopper. Wish I knew how to get into it. Any how I'm going to order some stuff online this year. I have in mind just what I want to get for everybody. I plan to be finished by Thanksgiving. I still have the pneumonia so my mother is refusing to let me out of the house. Ok I can leave (its my house) but its easier not to argue with my mom. She's worried so I'll lay low untill my dr says its ok to go out. Hopefully next week she'll say it's ok to go out.

Back to X-Mas. I love Christmas . The feeling of loving is in the air. I love to give. It just make me have that warm feeling. I just wish I had more money at this time of year. I'm a stay at home mom and we dont have much money.(We live off love) I just feel bad when my mother in law and brother in law buy stuff for my family. I cant afford to buy each person in their family something. I'd like to but it's not going to happen. I buy for the most important people in my life first. Then if I can, I buy for others. I'm just one of those people who loves to give gifts. Before we had dd I could go all out. Its not like I would trade my dd for anything but I just want to do more. Well I'll just do what I can do. I think Ill make my dog a jacket for Christmas. I cant forget my little old man.

Its dreary day here. Cold and rainy. A good day to do nothing. So I think while I have an hour to my self Ill curl up with a book and a cup of tea. Ill write later if I get a chance.

Ok so I dont look pretty. My hair is all over my head and Im in dog pj's. I feel so good right now. Like a weight has been lifted. Im so releived. Like I have a new life comming, a new start. Im one week post op. I never expected to feel this good after my surgery. I have so many plans. I stoped smoking the day before surgery and havent started back. I didnt think I could do it but I did. I just have to keep it up now. I still have cravings and want one but I know at this point its all in my head. I just have to "stay stoped". Its part of my new self. I plan to get a new hair cut. Get in shape around my middle. Get some new clothes. Im so excited. This might be but I have to get this out. For two and a half years Ive had no libido. Just not intrested in sex. Just one week after the surgery Ive had some stirrings down south. I didnt even remember what it felt like. I cant wait untill the dr give me the go ahead. Ive still got 5 more weeks. I just hope this feeling lasts and doesnt go away. I miss being with my husband. I have in the past two years but it wasnt often enough. I just wasnt in to it. I cant get into something if my body just isnt there. I hoping now things will be different. Like when we first got together. I cant really talk about this subject with any one. Nobody else (my friends) would understand the feelings of not wanting to have sex. IT had bothered me for the last two years. Ive seen doctors and know one seems to be able to help me. I cant go on any king of HRT's so thats out. That why Im hoping this surgery has changed something. I know it will bring dh and myself closer . Thats the only thing missing our lives right now.(DH and myself) Its gotten to the point that I feel like my dh is my best friend and a roomate. Heres to hoping and praying. Will right again latter. Dd is here from school.

:wowee:

First off dont get me wrong. I didnt title it hell week because of the surgery. It was because of everyone envolved at the hospital. Let me take it from the top.

Mon morning I get to the hospital and wait. So far to good. They dress me in the nicely air conductioned gown, give me a hat and talk all my clothes. I freeze but its not so bad. After an two hours they take me to prep. I wait with other people who are just waiting. My surgery is delayed because of a nurses sortage. My happy juice lady(anesthesiologist) talks to me and were off. Next thing I know i wake up in my room. Dont remember being in much pain at first. But after an hour at being awake it hits me. The dr or nurses or someone mercyful ups my meds. Life is good. I press my little button and sleep the rest of the day away.

Next day. I have a roomate that came in around the same time as me. She seems nice. Little did I know. We talk, shes had her thyroid removed. They make her wear a mask that bubbles and makes so much noise. It makes it hard to sleep but its not her fault. She then turns in to dr hyde. She doesnt want the light on it bothers her, she doesnt want the tv on it bothers her. Please dont open the curtians the sun bothers me. My dh comes to see me, him being in the room makes her uncomfortable. My grandmother comes to see me, roomate asks that if any more of my family comes that I take them to the lounge so she wont be bother. My cath came out and Im up and walking before her, she is mad. IS SHE FOR REAL!! Now Im thinking is she crazy, does she think Im here it cater to her. My mother comes in and while I go to the potty she must have said the wrong thing to her . I come out and eveything thats mine is being moved.That lady was nuts.

My new roomate is sweet as pie. Like a friend you didnt know you had. She a cervical cancer among other things. In constant pain and knew her cancer had spread and there was nothing they could do. Yet this lady was always in such a good mood. It made me feel like wimp. It was very humbling being around her.

From the second day I walk . and walk. and walk some more. Ive got 40 gallons of fluid going in my IV and i can only eat ice chips. I ask for steak flavored ice chips but its a no go. I dont use my pain pump much so they take it out. Thats when the fun begins. My nurses have amnesia. They forget Im there. I never get checked on. I wait for and hour of two for pain meds . I buzz for some help and they walk in turn off the light and walk out. My roomate is in so much pain shes crying, I call for help for her and the nurse assistant comes in. Tell me call her nuse and walks out. I end up walking down the hall to find her nuse because no one else would come. Needless to say by day 4 Im calling them all b !!! They still wont give me food. I drink broth for breakfast,lunch,dinner and for a snack. Nurses are rude and Im hungery. They say no food without poop. How can that happen if they is nothing going in but liquid. They let me start stool softners this morning. I ask about gas meds. When I asked the night before they said dr didnt write them into notes. Well that wasnt the case. It seems they couldnt read her hand writing so they were just to lazy to call her. At this point Im honkerblonked. I ask when will I see her. They say they dont know. I say call her. They say cant get a hold of her. Bull. I pick up my phone and call her. I tell her about them and tell her if I cant get anybetter treatment I want out now. She called head nurse and yells at her. Less than min. after I talked to her everyone gets their butts in gear. My Iv is taking out, Im given food all the pain meds i can swallow. But now my lower half in swollen into tree trunks. :run3: they say it will go down but Im not use to not having ankles. Its Fri and they say I can go home. I hate to leave my new found friend alone. I go home and sleep. I wake up with a 101. temp. I call the dr and he says to bet my but to the er. Great. I go and they are rude. I wait for 3and 1/2 hours to be told that have pneumonia. So here I am. Tree legs, cant breath to well but as a whole feeling ok. Im tired so Ill going to go to bed. Ill write later. :timeup:

First off NoniOhio I have no idea what i want to go to school for. Im limited in a lot of things I do right now because of my Lupus. (cant sit,stand or walk for longer than two hours or I tend to swell) Id hate to go to school for something only to find out I cant physical do it. I just know I Need to go back. I went 2 1/2 years for radiology but dropped out because I kept having surgries. I just couldnt miss all that time. I think I want to try for X-ray tech. (4 in my family so Ill have lots of help)

To all my fellow hystersisters Thanks so much for your support. My journey isnt done yet but hopefully close. Ill be there for you that go after me to offer support just like Ive been getting. You women ROCK!!!

Today I did my bowel prep. What they gave me to drink tasted like salt water. At first I thought Oh this isnt so bad. After the first 2 liters I wanted to throw the stuff at the wall. I got it all down but it was ruff. Even going to the potty ever second wasnt so bad. I bother with MONSTER GAS (the kind that doesnt pass,cant burb,fart or anything)
I expect it to be really bad. It wasnt. The hard part was watching my dh, dd and mother eat. I had to start my prep at 11am. Im so IM hungry right now. I actually licked my dh's hot dog. LOL He thought I was crazy. The jello was not working for me. Not enough chewing involved. Today I packed for the castle, got dd's clothes together to go to her grandmothers and hung out at home. I put dd hair in braids so her grandmother didnt have to worry with it. I did talk to her about me going to the hospital. So far so good. I bought her a play doctors uniform a while ago and she just wanted to wear it to the hospital to see me. She doesnt get it right now. She's gone to a lot of doctors appts with me so she knows what thats about. When she realizes that Im not comming right home is when there is going to have a problem. I know between my mother and my dh they will figure out some way to handle it.

I cant believe Im so calm right now. Cant say that Im not still a little worried but as a whole Im doing good. Just two days ago I was a wreck. I know my emotions will get to me after its all said and done. I did want another child but it was to much of a risk for me and to the child. Maybe one day Ill be ok with it. Right now all my focus is on getting better for my dd. I feel sort of bad for her. I was an only child and was often loney.(My mother had a hyster at 34 for fibroids) I didnt want her to go through the same. Dd asks for a sister and doesnt understand that I cant give her one. I do believe she'll adjust. I did. As I got older it was nice to not to share my mom and have my own space.

Well thats it for now. I quess my bowel prep is still working. Ill post you ladies in the morning. I hope this calm Im feeling last untill Im asleep at the castle.

Good luck to you all and have a nice night.

And please say a little prayer for me.

First off NanoOhio thanks for much for your support. It really helps me get through the day. Ive read most of your blogs and I think your really a cool ladie. I've made the desicion to go back to school after reading your posts. You've really helped me and you didnt even know it. Big 's to you.

Heres my lists

Things that were good today
1 had preop
2 I now feel good about my desicion to have this surgery.
3 It will be over in 2 days!
4 Dr found my bits and peices that were "lost"
5 My dog is doing so much better after seeing the vet
6 My house is clean, clean, Clean
7 Dh is so supportive
8 Mom is also there for me
9 Finished all of my pre-op shopping (more pillows etc.)
10 Did I say my house is clean
11 I have a team of women praying for me
12 This site and all the women on it are Wonderful

My list of bad

1 Didnt see dr for pre-op untill after waiting hour and a half
2 Big vertical insicion
3 Staples!
4 Gas is comming
5 Dogs vet appt. cost me $100
6 Mom got on my last nerve
7 Spent was to much on pre-op stuff
8 Bowel prep is tommorow
9 Think I dropped my brain and someone stepped on it
10 So tired of the "natural' bowel prep
11 Head has not stopped hurting in 7 days!!!!!!!!

It after one in the morning and i couldnt sleep so I decided to journal. Today was some what busy. First I went to dd school to pick up her report card only to find out her teacher didnt finish hers. Then picked my mother up from her job. Ran out to the store then back home again. Had a monster headache and couldnt take my ususal meds so I layed down thinking that would help. Not only did my head hurt worst but I had a crazy dream. I dreamt that I had a baby that looks like my ex's girlfreind. I stoped at a store with the baby and left her in the car alone.(something that I would Never do) When I can out the baby was gone. Went looking for it only to find my dh and my ex's girlfriend had it and said it was there child. After that point I woke up. Such a weird dream. Wonder what it means? Most likely that I shouldnt be with out some pain meds.

Didnt get to take my doggie in to the vet but Ill take him tomorrow. ( well later today seeing that its after 1 in the morning) He was doing ok to day. He seems to be fine it you wave bologna in his face. Hes old and i just have to face the fact that hes only getting older. Ive had him for 13 years now. I hate to lose him. I hope if hes ever in to much pain I have to courage to put him down and not make him suffer. Hopefully the vet will just give him some meds and he'll be good as new.

I think I might be ready for this surgery. My house is clean, Im going grocery shopping tomorrow for a few more things I need, have my list of pre-op questions and just need to pick up a few things. Like more pillows and big panties. It doesnt seem real that soon Ill be in the castle. Its been a while comming. I hope I dont feak out when I get there. That will be me running out of the hospital naked rear end peaking out.lol I hope it doesnt get that bad. This will be my 4th surgery and Im so nerverous. I wasnt with my other surgeries. Maybe because I didnt have dd back then and when I had my c-section, well she had to come out some way. The last two days Ive been doing a natural bowel prep. My nerves are really making me go. By the time I have to do the bowel prep there wont be any thing left. Its 1:15 now and I just caught myself drifting off to sleep sitting up. Quess its time to go to Ill post again after my pre-op.

I had so much fun on Halloween. Took my dd to the mall to treat-or-treat. I love seeing her happy even if it is because she's getting mounds of candy.
We went around the mall twice. I paid for all the walking but it was well worth it. I went to bed with sore, swollen feet, hip pain and both knees aching. Luckly I only woke up with the knee pain. I cant take my pain meds so I just had to deal with it.
MY dh stayed home today to help me clean.We got so much done. I dont think my porch or laundy room have ever been cleaner. Next is the kitchen and bathroom. I have a lot going on this weekend so I hope I get to mt dd's room.

My pre-op appt. was for today but I didnt get to see the dr. She left out just 2 min. before I got there. It seems someone went into labor. So Ill see her Sat. morning. I plan to be at her office at 8:45. Her nursed said I could see her anytime between 9am and 11:30. I want to be the first one seen so I can get it over with. Thats the only thing about OB/GYN's. When someone goes in they have to leave. You cant be mad about your wasted time. Well you could but it wouldnt do any good. I hope no babies decide they need to make a appearance on Mon. Or if they do they wait untill Im out of surgery. Babies like to suprise you. When I had my dd she just decided my scheduled c-section was not the day for her. I went in for my last appt. before my day and was all ready 4 cm dilated. After arguing with my dr I went in to have her.( I needed to get some shopping in. We had no food in the house) Dr called my mother from the office and "told on me" So cant argue with her.
Still I dont want surgery to be canceled again. I couldnt deel with the strees of waitng for a third time.

My poor doggie. He's still in pain. I couldnt stand it. He'd look at me with those big eyes seeming to say mommy help me. I called the vet and set up an appt. with him. He's so sweet. He's only going to charge me half of what it would be. A bill will be late but I just cant see him in pain anymore. Fri. off to the vet we go. Not something my dog will like but he will thank me for it later.

My step-sister. What can I say. Nothing has changed with her attitude. My mother got her out of jail Oct31 because some ladies tried to jump on her for a slice of bread. Not saying I want her to get hurt, I just have mixed feelings about my mother using her last bit of money to do it. My step-sister went to the doctor today.(up untill this point she hadnt seen one) They think shes father along than she thought. Unstead of 5 mths. they think shes more like 7 or 7 1/2. I dont know what that child is going to do.
We did find out that the baby is in foster care near where the father lives. They took her trick-or-treating. For the life of me I dont know why they would. She just got out of the hospital after having brain surgery. Didnt they think she could miss it this one year? They say shes up walking and talking just a little. I hope she's ok and the foster parents are good to her. They are just her temp. foster family untill we see what happens on the court date.(Nov. 14th)

My surgery is 3 days away but today I was really calm about it. I am upset about it being so final but its what I need. Because my Lupus meds cause deformities I couldnt/cant get pregnant while on. It doesnt look as if Ill ever be able to get off of them. Im just feel so bad about never being able to carry a child again. Even though i had problems with carrying my dd I loved being pregnant. Loved feeling her move inside of me. Watching my belly grow.(Knowing it would go down again) I miss those days. And now I know it wont ever come again for me. My friend wants to carry a child for me but I dont know if I can watch her and know Im missing out on those first movements. Ill be so jealous of her. Even now seeing pregnant women make me sad. Just knowing that Ill never have that again tears me apart. Im dealing with it, I know Im blessed. My heart goes out to all the women Ive read about on this site that couldnt and will never have a child. When I think about them I feel selfish and ungreatful. Here I am having a fit because I cant have another child and some women cant have any. I just feel greedy. My emotions are so up and down. I thing Ill request to not be on the maternity floor. I dont think I could take it. It would just kill me if I had a roomate that just had a child. It should be routine to ask if women having hysters want to be on that floor. Im sure most wouldnt want to. Its just to hard. Dealing with the hyster it self, what ever medical problems your having, being in pain and having to deal with the emotional stress and pain of hearing a baby cry is just to much to bear. They have to put me some where eles or Ill end up on the floor where they give you the nice padded walls.Its getting late and time to go to Bye for now.

Today I started cleaning my house. I know i should have started before this but its helping not to panic. Got about 4 loads of laundry done and more to go. By the time Im finish I just know I have cleaned even the clean clothes. Cleaned my living room and got so into it that I rearaned it. I like it so much better now. Next on the list is my dining room and kitchen. Ive got this weird notion in my head that Im going to scrup the kitchen floor by hand. I must be crazy. Nobody does that anymore. But if it will help keep my mind busy thats what Ill do. Wed. I plan on cleaning my dd room. That I know will take the whole day. She has so many toys that she doesnt play with and there getting out of my house.
The bad thing about today was that my dog was in so much pain. Hes a Pom thats 14 and bothers with arthritis. (we have something in common) I wanted to take him to the vet to get him someting for the pain but couldnt afford it. He's due for his check up and with the pain meds I would have been out of about $159 or more. Money is really tight now. I dont work and my dh has been missing hours a work to take me to dr appointments. Hes saving his vacation and sick time for when I come home. My dog is like my baby and it hurts me when hes in pain and I cant help. The vet suggested I give him baby asprin and that did seem to help some. Sitll he depends on me. I feel bad for not being able to help. I hope hes better tomorrow. He tough. 6 pounds of dog with the heart of a Doborman. I know hes old as dogs go but I just will be heart broken when he passed on. Untill then Ill treat him just as I have. My baby.
Today I went to the store an stocked up on comfy jogging pants and big loose shirts. I forgot to get big undies so Ill save that for Fri.
Im so looking forward to Halloween! My dd is having a party at school and Im going to help out. Complete with my red fairy wings and wig. It was the best I could do last min. The whole school is going class to class to trick-or- treat. It should be so much fun. Later we'll go to a couple of family's homes then to the mall. Its funny she doesnt eat of like a lot of cany.(Yet) But loves to get it. Ive always been like that. Not a candy fan, just loved the fun of it all. As soon as its over I plan to learn to sew so that I can make costumes next years for all of us.
Seven days to go and I hope they are as good as this one. No worries, anxiey or crying. Im going to get my stuff together for the castle and try not to over pack. Im one of those people who goes away for the weekend and packs like she's moving. Even if I do Ill make dh carry all of it. Make himself useful. lol Ive already told him that when I get home Im not lifting a finger. The healing is very important to me. If I try to do anything I know Ill over do it. I already have my Lupus agaist me. The dr said Ill heal slower then normal because of it. Slower that 6 to eight weeks. I hope my body proves him wrong. So for 6to8 week Im going to act like the princess that I will be.
To all my sisters out there sweet dreams.

My day started of with my dh acting really funky. That in it self is not unusall but today I just couldnt take it. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing. I hate that! We've been together for ten years and Ive known him for 15. I think I know when something is bothering him. After ranting he told me he was worried about the surgery. Then i felt bad for badgering him. Why cant men just say how they feel. I have to ask a millon times untill he tells me whats wrong. He says I know that when I say "nothing" it drives you crazy. Yes it does. I wish he would just come out with it. If he's feeling this way I want him to tell me. I know thats not some men way.(my dh) I drives me crazy. So now Im feeling guilty because I fussed at him. I start crying and tell him Im worried to. I want to feel supported in this. I need to talk about it. This surgery is the white elephant in the room. He wants to pretend its not going to happen. I wish he'd realize that I NEED to talk about. Thats what helps not make it so scary. One day he'll get it, but today was not the day.
Later i went shopping with my mother and she asked me why I couldnt drive. Told her I had just had a panic attack and took meds so she had t. She thinks that Im worring to much. So how do you worry about surgery just a little? She wont talk about it either. She'll just change the subject. There was yet another crying spell. Maybe its just me. Maybe Im asking to much. I know they are worried to but I just want to be selfish right now. I want them to do what it takes to help me stay sane which is talk about it. I cant wait untill this is over. They wont talk about it so I cant tell them just how scared and alone I feel. Im worried that I wont wake up. My dd is only 3 and she wont remember me if something happens. Who will be her mother? Ill miss out on her life. Im trying not to think like that but its hard. Im just so messed up right now.

Can it really be? Nine days untill my trip to the castle. Seems like the days are flyin' by. Im getting really nervous. I thought Id be ok but now.. just a mess. I had two panic attacks in two days. What if that about? I wasnt thinking about anything pertaining to surgery. I think Im slowly losing my marbles. Forgot untill today the Halloween is in 3 days. I havent gotten my dd a pumkin yet. Thats on the to do list for tomorrow. Looks like she wont be going trick-or-treating outside this year. The last two days she's had a runny nose. DH wants to take her all around because he feels bad that she's never been door to door. We have so far only taken her to the shopping mall. She's only three. Right now she doesnt know the difference. Its safe(the mall) ,warm and i can shop if I need to. When she gets older Ill do the door-to-door thing. I hate to let him down but I have to say its a no go for this year. My dd is so tickled pink. She is going to be a "fairy lady" as she puts it. Complete with her magic wand. I even bought fairy wings to wear. This is the first year that we wont dress up as a family. Her first year we were gishas (dont think i spelled that right) dh was a sumari warrior. Second year we were pirates. Even the dog. This year my dh isnt dressing up. I just have the fairy wings to wear. We thought I would have had my surgery by now so didnt plan to do much. Oh well next year we can go back to the family thing.

I started and almost finished my Christmas shopping. YEAH! Bought all but one gift for my dh. Ive gotten everything for my dd. That just leaves my mom,mother-in=law, brother-in-law, two of my closest friends, and my neice. Ok so Im not even close to being finished. I just wanted to get a start in case I dont feel like fighting the crowds later. I dont know how Ill be feeling so all that I dont get next weekend those people will get gift cards. Ill try to find something next weekend for the moms and at least my neice. Speaking of my neice the good thing is shes out the hostipal. The bad is we dont know where she is. :confuse: The case worker wont tell us where she has been place. I we do know is that shes in foster care some where in IN. My mother just happened to call the hostipal to try and find out how she was doing ant the told her she had been released. We dont know when this all happened. So honkerblonked that they didnt tell us. I just pray that whom ever has her is treating her good and that shes not scared. What the little girl must be going through. To be taken from the hostipal where she didnt know anyone to a family that she doesnt know. Ive got to stop thinking about it..its just depressing me.

Last night my friend came to visit and we went out for a little girl time. I forgot how nice it is to have kid free hours. Talked dirt, laughed just had a good time. I had two drink that I paid for later. Lets just say that they worked on me all this morning. It would have been a great bowel prep. Something that tastes good and cleaned you out. I thing it has something to do with my fibroids. In the past if they were big one drink would do me in. The potty and I were friends. After my mymo's (and I healed) having a glass of wine wouldnt bother me. Im not a big drinker but it will be nice to have a glass and not poo forever after it.

Im starting to think about my surgery and worry so I think Ill post and talk to some of you ladies that are up tonight. I always feel better after posting or reading post. Bye for now

I have to say thank you to the ladies that posted. I so look foward to reading what you say. I take everything to heart. Birlaykad thanks, most people dont realize just how hard it is to be a stay-at-home mom. I'm thinking of doing that myself.(daycare) I love children but I dont know if I can deal with it. Ill think hard. Its great that you do daycare. Its such an important job.

Tequilasunrie you go girl! Keep up the quit. I hope I can be where you are in a few weeks. And I have so much respect for solo and working moms. I dont know how you do it. You are some of the strongest women in the world. My best friend is a solo mom of 2. I dont know how she does it. Being a mom is a thankless job. (Untill the kids grow up and realize what you went through) So on behave of you children/child thanks for being their mom. Its tough but you did it anyway because you love them/him/her. Besides sometimes I envy working moms. They get out of the house. Speak to people over the age of 3. I sometimes feel as if I stoped being Selena and am just dd's mom. Dont have a name or a life outside of my dd and dh. I know more them songs to cartoons than the law should alow. It can be lonely but I wouldnt change it for the world. Either way your still blessed, you have children/a child that so many women long for. Yep mothers a blessed even though at times it doesnt feel like it. LOL

I went to my rhemayologist. (for my Lupus) Lots of lovely news. I have to see yet another doctor. I found out i have to take new meds because my bone density has been affected. Also calcumin. He wants me to see a neurologist because Ive been having memory lose and problems concetrating. I have to have a MRI on my brain and blood test to try an detect blood clotting. Ok so now Ive seen or been seeing or going to see seven doctors. The copays alone are killing me. I see anTherapist (for depressin and anxitery),my gyno, and family doctor. For the problems my lupus has been causing I see and urologist,cardiologist,the rhematologist and now the neurologist. These doctors are making big money from me. They need to give me a discount or a comp meal or something. In copays I usually spend $80 a month. Im meds I spent $150 a month. Heck insurance is $240 a month. I cant afford to be sick. I do hope this is the last doctor that Ill have to see on a normal basis. Im just tired of them. Tired of tests. Tired of meds. And tired of them poking me with needles. If Im going to be poked with needles i at least want a tatoo out of the deal. So tomorrow will be a day of calling doctors. He wants me to try and get eveything done before the surgery. Does he know how long the wait to see a specilist can be? Quess not. He's just looking out for me so Ill try my darnedest.

Found a really nice wig today. Its like a really short bob with bangs. Ill be the cutest princess in the castle. Will probably feel torn up,doped up and bent over but Ill be cute. Cath and all. My mother decided to get the same one. We'll be twins.

Elven days and counting. It seems as the days are moving fast. I couldnt wait but now Im not so sure. Getting real scared. Ill just accept the feelings and move on. I know a better day is comming.

It was just another day, but one Im happy to have. I went to my mothers job(a school) just to get dd and myself out of the house. I love being a stay-at-home mom but its not the most exciting thing in the world. The teacher were glad to get some help. I mostly typed out things for them. It was nice doing something to help just because. Later my mother and myself went out looking for wigs. Yes wigs. Im a hair girl. Love to change it. Have long flowing hair one day and a short do the next. Didnt find anything I like today though. Ill try again soon. I want a new one for surgery. Sounds strange but the way I see it is if people come to visit after surgery Ill just slap a wig on. No prep time and no fuss. Really its just an excuse to treat myself. Speaking of treating myself, Ive decided that two days before my surgery Ill do just that. A few of my girlfriend and I are going to get together and have a good bye uterus get together. Complete with dinning out, massages and a movie. I know by then Ill be climbing the walls and Ill need it.

I had someone ask me today if Ill feel bad losing my female parts. NO. I dont think Ill miss them at all. I never had a thing for pain and can do with out the passing kittens periods. Outside of making it possible to have my dd its done notheing but give me greif for 21 years. Besides it will be nice to have my body to myself.

My mother drove me crazy today. Dont all mothers at some point in time. She kept talking about what my step-sister needs in jail. Right now Im so hard hearted about her. My mother doesnt realize that right now at this point in time she is the last person Im concerded about. I feel she put herself in the positon shes in and she needs to deal with it on her own for a while. My mother doesnt seem to see that talking about her (step-sisters) needs are not important to me. Just her baby. Ive given up on her. Its been years in the making. Ive come to terms with my feelings. This 18 yer old have been disrespectfully for the last 10 years. Calling my mother out of her name and lots of other things. There is just no love let inside me for her. Maybe one day that will change. I really hope it does. Im not a hateful person I just want her to get herself toghether. Enough about her. I sent the baby her beloved Dora doll today. The case worker is making sure she gets it. I just wanted her to have something to comfort her seeing that there is no one aroung her that she knows. I pray she is doing ok.

Had monster bladder pain today. Cant wait to get those evil fibroids out. As a whole it was a good day. Not as much pain as I ususally have. I see my dr in the morning. Going to see if I can get on something to help stop smoking. I havent been able to quit and I see this as the perfect time. Hopefully my meds will be compatable with something. We'll see.

To all my sisters in waiting a new life awaits us. To those that have gone through to the other side enjoy your new beginings.

To my sisters, just to let you all know you all rock! Heres an update. My step-sisters court day for her baby is Nov 14. Her court date to see if shell get out of jail is Nov13. I dont know what shell do if she doesnt get out. She called yesterday saying she couldnt take it anymore but in the same breath cursed my step-father out and called him the N word. Hasnt learned yet i see. No more word on the baby as of yet. The caseworker is just waiting on the hostipal to determine when everthing happened to her. Then we'll find out if she can come home. I just hope they dont give her back to her father. A whole lot of nothing happens when that child is with him. Like a broken arm, untreated ear infections, this trama to her head. Which he knows nothing about. Im getting ready to sign up for my foster parent classes. I want to be ready if they will place her with me. Already did the drug testing, backgroung check and finger printing. (DH has too) Now its just a waiting game. I can say one thing, its taking my mind off of my surgery.

Oh and to answer Noniohio's question there are some of my meds I have to stop taking a week before surgery. Im on immunosuppressions and steriods. I take Naproxen (Alieve just stronger) for pain and swelling. Ive got to stop that right before because it can increase bleeding. A couple of other things that wont effect surgey. Im like a pharmacy. lol. Ive been warned I might suffer a flare after the surgery due to stress on my body. Its different for everybody but my flares consist of muscle and joint pain and swelling. Sometime to the point where you cant move. Had one after dd was born. Woke up and couldnt move my arms. It wasnt fun. But ill deal with it if it happens.

My ultrasound was uneventfull. Drank gallons of liquid then held it for an hour. I felt so bad. My fibroids press on my bladder so I felt like I drank 30gallons unstead of 30 oz. The tech was so nice. She wouldn't tell me how many or the size of my fibroids. She did tell my my uterus was massivly tipped. I hate the internal part of the ultrasound. That probe is uncomfortable. I was so nausseous afterward. It didnt help that someone had blew up the restroom i used. After eatting and going a million times I felt better. My dd is up now so I have to go play short order cook. Ill post again later today. Bye for now.

First off let me say a Big Thanks to all the sisters. You gals really make my day! I dont know what Id do with out you all. Its so refreshing to have someone to talk to that understands. My dh tries but its not the same. I tried to talk to my mother about her hyster but its been 25 years for her. Amazingly she doesnt remember a thing about hers. She kept saying oh everything will be fine. I dont doubt that but I need real answers to my questions. Im a reality kind of gal. If it will hurt Id rather know up front. Not hear dont worry about it as every answer. By not telling me something Im more scared, not knowing what to expect. I feel better knowing theres lots of ladies out there who will tell me the good with the bad.

I still didnt get started cleaning. Oh well. I was in to much pain to care today. Living with lupus is so not fun. Everything hurt today. Ok not everything. It just felt like it. My knees, hands and hip were bothering me today. I feel guilty because i didnt get my dd to school. I know its just preschool and only 2 1/2 hours but I hate to be the cause of her missing out. I just couldnt walk the one block to take her to the bus. (What a time for the second car to die) Couldnt find anyone who could take her. Or anyone who Id want to take her. My neighbors either are elderly and dont drive or crazy and dont use car seats for their own children. Mine must be in a seat. I take NO chances. So she stayed home and drove me crazy. What is with kids wanting to watch the same movie over and over?

My family doesnt understand what it is to live with lupus. They understand fibroids better. Most of the women in my family have them or have had them. My mother and myself are just the luck ones whom have problems with them. They think when I tired Im just being lazy. That its no big deal to not be able to use your hands for hours or days at a time. To not be able to walk a block without pain. I guess they think Im to young to have such things happen. I wish they would tell that to my lupus. I dont hold what they think agaist them. They dont see me in my down times. I glad they dont Know what its like. That would mean they had it to. And Lord knows i dont wish any sickness on anyone. I just want a break now and then.

My step-sister is still in jail and has yet to get herself together. Just today she called her father to try and find out about the state of her child. You would think she wouldnt act crazy with people trying to find out info aboout her child. No, she curses out her father and hangs up the phone. And she wonders why no one is willing to get her out of jail. Its sad to say but I hope that baby goes into foster care when she gets well. Her mother nor her father are fit parents. My mother wants the baby but she has so much on her plate already. Beside she'll be hitting her 60's soon. I cant see her starting all over with a two year old. I want to take her but Im scared that Id get in over my head. Because of my lupus I need help just doing things for myself. I really need to pray on it. Its said that God doesnt give you more than you can handle. I hope if I take her he wouldnt make an exception for me. That little girl need a family who loves her. I so want to be that family. Dh is on board and dd thinks she her sister already. Ill just have to wait and see what the courts say.

I have a ultrasound in the morning.What fun My dr want to see how large my friends (fibroids) are. I hate drinking all that water. And the prob they use for the internal...not looking fowared to that. Have to do it though. I hope the tech is nice and doesnt make me wait to find out. If not I just have to wait untill my pre-op. I have it on the 1st. Either way Ill keep you ladies posted. Bye for now.

What a day. It started out with me feeling like Id been hit by a bus. So tired. Not in the mood to do anything. I had to go to a wedding and I guess my body didnt get the memo to act right. Thankfully the wedding was short and sweet. I intended on cleaning today but just wasnt motivated to do anything. My house is in shambles. I feel like Im running out of time. On the other hand i keep thinking the surgeries two weeks away i can get everything done. Wish there was a cleaning fairy to take care of things for me. Today was just not the day to clean. I cooked for dh and dd gave the animals food and thats it. Some MONSTER cramps set in this after noon. Funny after not having a period for two years I forgot how much they hurt. Big reminder today. Thank God for pain meds. I stoped my depo and wonder if that has something to do with it. Hope my period doesnt show up for surgery. That would just make my day. Even if it did I wouldnt care. Last one. Looking foward to the surgery but now Im getting scared. From reading on this site that seems to be the norm. I already deal with anxiety so Im trying not to worry. Ive been taking my meds for it but I hate the way they make me feel. Like a zoombie/bloob. But its either that or risk getting so worked up that I have a flare. Cant let that happen. Already had my surgery cancled once.

I cant believe I only have two weeks to go. It will be here before i know it. Im dreading comming home after. I can picture it now. My 3 year old running around the house naked, the dog eating out of the garbage and digging up plants. Guinea pig poo all over, dishes piled to the sky and my dh standing in the middle of the mess going how ya feeling honey. Ive decided that if it comes to that Ill run away from home. Kidding. Ill ignore everything, crawl into bed and pretend Im on an island. There is time enough for cleaning. Ill have the rest of my life. Its late and the sand man skipped my house so Lunesta here i come. Ill write again later. Its the only thing keeping me sane. To all my sisters out there thanks for being there for me.

I am so frustrated with my step-sister.She has a 2 year old dd that she just doesnt care about. I knew she was to young to have her. (17) Now shes pregant again! She shipped her dd off to live with the father. That wouldnt be so bad if the child was alright. In her short life she been sick most of the time, had a broken arm and now shes in the hostipal with bleeding on the brain. Her father claims he doesnt know what happened. LIER!!!!!My sister is not the least concerned. I wanted to adopt this little girl before she was born. Everyone knew what kind of mother she would be. You would thing she would care. Now just 2 day before she has to go to court about her baby she lands in jail. Shes treated everyone in the family so bad that no one will bail her out. We are hoping it will teach her a lesson. Doubt it. Its so furtrating to love this child and cant do much about it. I dont understand why women have these babies, dont want them, and wont give them to someone who will love and cherish them. There a so many women who would love to have a child and people are out here mistreating them. It just doesnt make sense. Im just so mad about all of this. Im trying no to stress myself out because at this point i cant do anything about it. If I do I know Ill have a flare and they will cancle my surgery again. I refuse to let that happen. I guess I just needed to vent. Its just so stupid to me that these young girls have these babies, dont want them but are to selfish to put them up for adption. At this point all I can do is pray for my sweetie pie that shell be ok. (Ill also pray for her mother that she gets some sense)

Im so happy I found this site. It and all the sisters has really helped me cope and understand. THANK YOU to ALL. I cant say it enough. THANK YOU!!

To day was not a good day for me. My lupus decided to rear its ugly head in the form of massive fatigue. If thats not enough i cramped all day. It doesnt seem fair as in i havent had a period in two years. Ive suffered with fibroids for 11 years now. Ive had 3 myos to try to get rid of them but they must just really like me. I decided to evect them for good now. My surgery is Nov 6th and I cant wait! Had to go through a couple of doctors just to find one that would agree to do it. They all thought that I was to young to make such a life altering decision. Im 31 and Ive dealt with this for years. I know what i want. I realize they have to cover there butts but this is my life, my pain. That should count for something. Over that hurddle now its count down time.
I must admit Im so scared. That seems to be the norm but that fact isnt helping. I keep asking myself what if I dont wake up? What will my dd and dh do? Will my mother lose it? Deep down i feel Ill be ok but i cant stop worring. I know i want this but now im second guessing myself.(Just a little) My issues dont seem as bad as some of the ladies on the site. Before i was on Depo i have sever pain and bleeding from the fibroids. My periods lasted five days but the cramping started 4 days before. I had the tumors removed before i decided to get pregnant. While pregant they grew out of control. My dd was born with club feet because a fibroid was pressing on her. Happy to say after 11 monthes of thearpy she fine now.
Sometime I feel so alone. Dealing with both the fibroids and lupus really gets me down. Im either in pain from one thing or the other. I dont have the energy to do most of the things i use to. I feel guilty for not beening able to play with dd when she wants. Shes only 3 and thinks if she kisses me all my "bobos" will go away. I wish that was the case. Simple things people take for granted like walking down the street cause me pain. I just want to feel normal again. Hopefully after this surgery that will be one less pain i have to deal with. Im blessed to have a dh that undersands and never complains. He works 11 hours a day and will still come home and cook and clean. What a wonderful man! I just hope this surgey helps me. Im tired of my resident softball, baseball, orange _(fibroids) and whatever else that decided to make my uterus home. Heres to a better day comming.