Well its been a long time since I last wrote in my journal and a last has happened. The worse thing happened that I never ever thought would my husband of 20 years walked out on me. Which has left me totally devestated I love him more than anything in the world and really want him to come back. in the last few weeks I did get very stupid and drunk loads which made me very ill so much so my parents took me to hospital where I ran away So my mum stayed the night with me I was in a very bad way. But with the help of my parents and friends online some from this site you ladies know who you are and I am very greatful for your support!) and the support from local friends. Im beinging to pull myself together.

I still miss Nick really badly and would do anything to have him back but I will never do anything that stupid again! Im attending councelling sessions which is helping but the hurt will take along time to go away. I am coping sort of now though and trying to rebuild my life i Thought after the hyster sorted out our life would be fanstastic with the kids grown up and time for ourselves I never expected this in a million years.

I'm so cross I had written loads here and then managed I hit the wrong key and delete the whole lot

Oh well here goes version two! I have come to the conclususion that what they dont tell you about the hyster is that you need to hibernate and sleep load about half way through the process. Do all woman experience this phenomena I guess with the mood swings pouchy tum that perhps I am evolving into a bear and the hibernation is just part of the process! The other thing that struck me this week is that just like the eskomos have a thousand words for snow hyster ladies have a thousand words for the dreaded BM's "the reverse porcupine - thanks Anna", "broken glass" and "crystal chandilers" to name but a few. I'm so looking forward to getting my bedroom and the conversation back to what it used to be instead of the mounds of pillows (well, they might stay!) the lovely pillow talk of please can you get me water, pain meds more pilows, does my incision look okay to you? etc the list goes on.......... Followed by the eek ouch ouch as I scramble so elegently from the bed to weeble to the loo in the night half a sleep and screaming as I fall down the hole where my dear hubby or son has left the seat up and I hadn't noticed! ouch. What ever happened to the romance I certainly dont feel very romantic and sexy anymore more like frankenstiens creation. The swelly belly I feel more like Sigorney Weaver in Alien, that thing has a life of its own I wake up and my tummy is flat (well sort of its only a slight exageration!) and then a few hours on and its as sore as hell and looks like a mountain I dont think gravity is to blame or over eating so why is it doing this to me, what is causing it. I'm sure I have not been having late night snacks of yeast.

Sorry whining over, as for the rest of the week and my family things are going well the hams have settled in and thanks to Mei I now know that they are Siberian Winter Whites they are just so funny and tiny Dot tried to bite my finger yesterday after I had given her a treat hehe it was more like being gummed as she tried to hang on to my finger with all her legs and sink her teeth in she is shorter than my finger! Ive never heard hams make so much noise these guys squeak to each other! I'm in the process of trying to design a webpage so that I can show everyone what they are like and it will make a nice record.

Ben has dissapered to Reading or Bristol again this weekend to ride his bike with his friends, he is on some sort of fitness drive and taken a bag of apples and 6 bottles of Lucozade his poor tummy!

I'm assuming all is good in the world of Craig and GF has returned unscathed as I've head nothing from the star crossed lovers.

Nick is working this weekend in London so I'm going up with him for the ride it will be nice to get out of the house for a while just hope I can stay awake long enough. It fun driving through the heart of the city and seeing Big Ben the houses of parliment the Thames and not forgetting the Gerkin (Mayors building) and Wheel.

Mum and Aunt came up in the week which was really nice I made some Chiabatta and prawn cocktail, cheese and salad for lunch and got out a load of cakes from the freezer that I had made before hand so for very little effort we had a lovely lunch Aunt had brought some strawberries and cream and everyone was happy Ben showed them videos he and his friends had taken on their bikes and they were impressed with that.But after they had gone the tiredness hit me and I slept the rest of the afternoon.

At the moment I am trying to hide those horrible grey hairs and am sitting here driping hair dye all over the keybaord a stunning sight to behold, thank goodness Nick is still a sleep!

Forgot to mention nasty boss phoned this week to tell me statutory sick pay would end mid December and I would have to sort out my own finances as the company would stop paying me! Nice hey, we are a charity this I understand but the staff are treated very poorly I've been there 5 years the maximum turnover is 2 and they think they have done well out of you. Thet usually hire young girls with no qualifications in teaching and I don't feel that this is the right enviroment for them and they certainly cannot control the class. Sorry I digress he then started waffling on about the staff christmas party which is somthing a million miles away from my mind at the moment and could'nt understand why I got shirty with him! Sorry I only nearly died a couple of weeks ago and you want me to worry about you getting your jollies at a staff party!! He didn't even ask me how I was!

Most of my time I have spent talking to my sisters on the computer I feel so honoured to have made such great friends, and really enjoy talking to them and swoping ideas and thoughts. This site has really opened up a whole new way of life to me and I love it!

Update:-

Well I now in London sitting in my husbands office in Edgware Road I enjoyed the journey in as we go past all the famous landmarks like Big Ben, Houses of Parliment, not forgetting Nelsons Column and Buckingham Palace as we drove past we saw the Household Cavelry on their stunning black horses.
The Thames which always looks beautiful as you drive past with the sun shining on it and the London Eye a huge big wheel where you can see all over the city. it takes over half an hour to go round!

I thought it would be fun to have a journey out instead of looking at the same 4 walls. But I am suffering for it now despite my ever present pillow and swelly band I'm very bloated and I think we must have driven over every pot hole on the way in!! ouchie. I'm hoping to go out and do some shopping later but I will have to consult with my tummy on that one. We are not far from Oxford Street and there are some amasing shops there.

Although I was born in London and moved when I was young to Essex I still love to come back and visit the city, all the hussle and bussle of thousands of people even on a Sunday just out shopping sight seeing or just having fun its great Marble Arch has a high population of Lebaneese people which is great as they have brought their unique style of cooking with them and the smells from the resturants is wonderful.

But poor old Nick is having to work and sort out his IT problems so he has kindly let me sit here on a computer so I don't get bored and lets face it where else would I go on line but Hyster Sisters!

Craig finally contacted my via mobile phone and the exact phrase was "Hi Mum, how do you make lasagne?"
well its nice to be missed so I had to talk him through the process. But GF isd back and they sounded happy so I can't ask for more.

Me I'm starving and about to have a sense of humour failure with DH if I don't get dinner soon!!

My apologies for the mega down day it wasnt really the hamsters fault I think they were just a trigger I had intended to delete my ramble from the bottom of the barrel but I think I need to keep it so that I can reread it and see how silly i was. But at the time pain real or imagined can cause us to fly into such a tail spin that its practically impossible to find your way back up. Without love help and support and I get that here in abundance, thanks Sisters.

Also I think that during this recovery period we have so much time on our hands that its difficult not to examine every little nook and cranny of what we were and what we are now that its easy to imagine the worse case senario.

Nick is now back to work and this is day two and I hated it the house seemed so quiet and being dumb I over did the light housework dishwashers, washing and a gentle lounge hoover I could'nt help it I was so bored and it looked so awful. I tried to reengage my excitment for daytime TV and finding the only interesting thing on was back to back reruns of Anthony Bourdains Cooks Tour a good prog but its been repeated so many times.

The hams now known as Dot and Com thanks for the name Sue! are very funny they sleep alot but thats the pproblem with having nocternual pets. But yesterday they had desided to move the bedding into the wheel and seeing they are so small watching them running round like mad things with whitle fluffy bedding hanging out of their mouths looking like insane mini santa's was very funny indeed. I just wish that I had the camera to hand.

Wow, the postman just came and i got a letter from Tami all the way over in Maine,thats so special! I really cannot believe how many wonderful friends i have made through this site its fantastic and there was me doing the okay I have four walls quick check again and no they have not changed. That has really cheered me up! Thanks Tami.

I guess I had better put in this amusing classic I did the other day. One of the real nice people came over from work yesterday and she brought me a beautiful necklace and as we were sitting talking the screensave clicked in and started showing piccys of our Florida holidays so we were ohhhing and arring about that. Then much to my embarressment I piccy of my incision appeared in the screen. I had forgotten that were I had gotten Nick to take photos of it as I could'nt see it over the swelly belly and saved them to my lappy that they would become part of the screen saver experience, I was so embarressed! So ladies if you take piccys be careful where you store them!!

I spoke to Craig today and he is really low his GF is away for 7 days and he is not eatting, sleeping, being sick and having the runs I'm so worried about him. He is skin and bones as it is, but being so far away in Wales doesnt make it easy for popping home for a cuppa and comfort. In fact I havent seen him since left monthes ago and I do miss him. So any Welsh Sisters in or near Aberiswyth that fancy doing a mum check let me know lol.

Ben is still being daft as ever working long grueling shifts riding his trials bike each and every weekend in what ever part of the country he feels like and lo still not managing to tidy his room.

The garden is a mess we took the pool down for winter and it looks like a UFO landed there and killed all the grass and to make it worse I cannot tend my plants and weed them which is very saddening. All the hard work and it looks bad now.

I've hit the lowest point so far we got some new Russian hamsters one of which would not come out of its house Nick thinks we may have a mating pair when we were suposed to have two males.

This has effectd me really badly I cannot stop crying I dont want to sleep upstairs with nick I feel that I am a neauter, I hurt yet I don't with nothing left to offer. But then I think back what was I before, the idiot that toed the line did what I was supposed to do. Fit in with everyone elses way of thinking I feel that I don't know me or whats left of me. My blood thats not even mine anymore. What is a Lynne, what was a Lynne
have I truly ever been me. I've been so many things or have I just accomodated by thinking my way of being to fit what others expect / want from me? I can find no division. The only thing I can relate to is Manfred Manns Earth Band Drowning on dry land see the lyrics it may help you understand a song that has haunted me for years.

Sorry if you read this but I hurt bad I don't know who or what I am Ive lost my purpose sorry

I can't believe how much I wrote yesterday, but I was very upset, angry and hurt and in need of a good vent.

To top it all I got a letter from the NHS for another Gynie who would like me to make an appointment to discuss my hysterectomy needs. Which would have been lovely had I not had it carried out on the 15th Sept via two operations, I never realised they grew back that quickly! oh well medical hysterory here I come!!

Ben returned safely from his journey to Wales and it sounds like he had a wonderful time.

Ben has gone up to Wales today to visit his brother Craig so I packed him off with various homemade jams doughnuts and an array of garden produce as you do! Poor thing was weighed down enough with his clothes but I think this will do him good he has played nurse the mummy for to long now.

Well we did'nt quite get as far as a drive I fell asleep on the sofa and Nick has been doing some much needed tidying of the study as we have zillions of CDs for the computer, music and films which have been thoroughly mixed up by the children so he is sorting them now.All over the lounge floor

I hope I'm not breaking any rules here but in the UK its not easy to get body pillows and these people who I got mine from have been very good to me. Although they were only advertising them for pregnancy. I also told them like I tell everyone else about the hyster sisters!

Sent: Monday, September 26, 2005 12:25 PM
Subject: Re: Thank You

Thanks for the compliments & good luck with the recovery!
You may wish to see the changes we made to the web page thanks to your help. I hope you don't mind us using your name, it adds a certain authenticity. If you would rather us not use your name we can alter it.

best wishes W

http://www.safefoam.co.uk/shopItems.asp?F_group_no=90&F_group_desc=Body%20Pillows

Things got a bit silly last night I was laying on the sofa with a bag of frozen rice on the incision watching TV and as it began to defrost I was moving it about so what happens a hole appears and showers me in rice!! Nick though this was highly amusing and started laughing, so I threw some at him and we ended up having a rice fight! Which was very funny and very childish I think in a way we needed that though as things have been very stressful.

Well I saw Mr Gynie yesterday who is a very lovely man he met me at the door when we arrived at the hospital, which is most unusual normally you have to wait for ages. He led me to the examining room where there was a chair with leg rests I think he saw me jump and start panicking, so he he said its alrihgt, I'm not going to cause you anymore discomfort you have been through too much already, I just want to look at your tummy. He examined me and listened to my whines and whinges and said well you did have two major surgeries in one day thats why you feel so low and you have double the pain of most people.

Mr Gyne was very impressed with my Swelly Belly band and showed it to the Sister who was assisting, I was just about to tell her where it came from and he pipes up its bound to be hyster sisters, so the brain washing did pay off!

As for the bleeding (yukky bit coming up) its from the internal artireal bleeding where it pooled in your body and is now making its way out along with the dissolveable stitches. The pain on the right hand side is caused by a mass of sutures and the fact that my stomach is black and blue is due to the second op. Which in a way I found reasuring as having pain and knowing why you are having it is one thing and having pain and being scared is something else. He also changed my pain meds to DF118's which seem quite effective although they do leave you very spaced out!!
So in a way I feel better for knowing that and will try to behave better and rest up.

still finding bits of rice, mushroom and peas everywhere, but it was good fun !!

Sue aka Poodle aka Avatar Frenzy!! has now got me hooked on a TV show on animal planet called Mearcat Manor, where it tracks the lives and progress of a family of Mearcats in the Kalahari Desert. It really is a fantastic programme the babies one of which was 20 days old and wandering about with the adults was only 6cms tall. I wish we had them in the UK their so cute.

My little brother Bob (who am I trying to fool he is over 6ft tall) popped in today for a suprise visit which was nice he had just got back from a long weekend away in Holland with his girlfriend and brought me back some dutch crackers. Its a shame we don't get to see each other more as we have always been close.

Well the pain is more bearable with these tablets but I do feel like a space cadet no flying pigs yet though! lol

*pig* *pig* *pig* *pig* *pig* *pig* *pig* *pig* *pig*

My area manager phoned this week and wrote me a letter I think I will put a transcript here as it wasn't your usual work letter! But there agasin he is not your average area manager he is a lovely man and had a lot of health problems himself recently including MRSA which he caught in hospital and we nearly lost him. I have always got on well with him he is definatly one of the niceest managers I have ever had.

Dear Lynne

We are all really relieved to hear that you are home again aand hopefully on the road to recovery - I must say that you did give us all a bit of a scare though - we've always said that there is nothing simple or straightforward with our Chelmsford branch, haven't we?

I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you Nick and the family - I don't remember you telling me that you had driven a lorry full of mirrors under a ladder and avoiding a black cat crossing your path over the cliff!

I hope you know that our thoughts have been with you and those of us that are closesst to you know that you will come back from this and we can't wait. At these time people do trot out all the old cliches but some of those old chestnuts do make sence e.g take it one day at a time, don't try to run before you can walk and of couse don't eat the yellow snow!

I'll give you a ring next week when you will be hopefuly feeling much better and I'll liase with the (Boss) to see if we can come over and take you out for lunch sometime - when you are up to it.

Look after youself kid

Yours ever X

And along with that come another lovely bouquet I'm expecting David Belamy to pop out at any second now, my lounge looks and smells like a florist its wonderful. Now if I could only get a diffrent view put on that window!!!

Today however my local boss is coming to visit with the rest of the team at lunch time and they are going to bring dinner with them. Not sure how I feel about this as it includes his girlfriend and a new member of staff that I have not met yet. Can you imagine "this is Lynne our senior Tutor, Please meet Z who has just joined us" whilst I'm laid out on the sofa!! I just get the feeling I'm going to be treated as an exhibit in a Zoo, but Nick will be here if I get to tired or feel too uncomfortable and ask them to leave.

And the best news is Ben is coming home today I've really missed him but I think the break will have done him good. Craig has made me up a CD of music that he thinks I will like so I'm looking forward to hearing that and seeing all the piccys Ben has taken. I can't wait till I'm well enough to go and visit them.

Nick has now worked out how to get MSN on his phone / email gadget and has now MSN'd me asked for a cup of tea! Well I got up early to check my emails at about 6.30am and left him in bed. This technology has gone way to far!!!

Lve and hugs to all Lynne x

[B]Update[/b]

Well the contingent from work came round only 3 of them thank god, with a card, they forgot they said they would bring sandwiches, no big deal as I was'nt that hungry. The bosses GF managed to give me a card from one of my other colleuges that she had been asked to pass on months ago covered in coffee stains and crumpled up. All they did was talk shop and wanted to know why I wasn't up and doing stuff and when would I be back at work. As it was effecting the GF as she kept going off sick with stress everytime he was off work taking holiday!! They spent the rest of the time going googly eyed at each other. Not one mention was made of his wife who I know quite well and has been diagnosed with an incurable illness that he ditched for this thing. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

He then had the nerve to ask me to do part of his GF's work looking up housing accomodation from home! with no extra pay! But he was serious he had even mentioned it to the area manager, who said he could'nt do that. His response this is Lynne we're talking about she'll love it.

I am absolutley gobsmacked and furious, how can they be so thoughtless I've worked there 5 years and I feel as though thet are taking the p*** somwhat.

I just had to vent otherwise I would have ended up phoning the company and putting in a complaint not that it would do much good. I just really feel they don't care what happened just that I should stop whinging and work.

Love and hugs with steam coming out my ears Lynne x

I woke up early this monring and put on CNN News and have been watching Rita make landfall its down to a cat 3 now which is better but not brilliant. It just reminds me so much of when we were in Florida last year and I can feel the same fears welling up in me as we sat there then watching the weather reports for Jeanne also a cat 3 we were under curflew and could'nt leave the apartment. We then lost power which was really scarey. Its also my Mum's name and she is getting very upset about all the signs saying go home Rita etc.

In the UK we don't have weather issues like this at all, So if you are a hurricane old timer please except my apologies but I had never experienced anything like this before in my life, and I still find it really freaky, I'm worrying about all the people in its path and pray that it does not cause the devistation that Katrina did.

On a lighter note, this morning as I could actually see the incision, so I guess Swelly Belly has gone down over night lol it will probably ballon again once gravity gets a hold on the situation. Bt that feels like the first positive step since this whole thing began woohoo!!!!! I've been using those Sloggi knickers the full build model and they seem to hold it fairly snugly Lol what a time to worry about visible panty line!!!

I think I'm getting my first taste of empty nest syndrome and I don't like it one little bit Ben has gone to spend a week with his Brother Craig in Wales so itt just me and Nick in the house, I hate passing their bedrooms, still messy! an empty space where Sparky lived but no noise, laughter or arguments it feels so wrong apart from that the rest of the house is still tidy and clean I suppose I will get used to it but it really is an odd empty feeling. Don't get me wrong its great to have Nick to myself, but I'm a bit of a mother hen at heart.

Well I'm still feeling really sore and rough I have been very sick the last two nights I guess its the anesthetics and other drugs coming out but it hurts so much and its also made me spot blood again.

Yesterday was horrible we lost out little hamster Sparhawk he had been with us 31/2 years he was such a lovely hammy with a great personality and big brown knowing eyes, every morning and every night I used to love walking past Ben's room to see if he was up and 90% of the time he would be sitting on his hind legs looking at me for a hug. I really miss him the boys used to take the micky out of me as every time I went shopping I brought him a pressie a little toy or treat he was part of the family and is sorely missed. The thing is it wasnt even an illness where we could have done something just old age, he just fell asleep and did'nt wake up again the best way to go I guess.

Then later in the evening there was a comotion outside and a goup of thugs had started on Ben, Nick went out to calm things down and they turned on him, these kids are no more than 16-17 years old. What ever happened to respecting your elders not that Nick is that old at 40!! The neighbours opposite also came out to help Nick and Ben and eventually they ran off. We phoned the police who are due to come round today. As one of the lads has a history of picking on Ben.

I really cannot cope with all this at the moment I'm so weepy and depressed and I feel so useless. Last night I had a migraine laying there massaging my temples and crying as the pain was so bad. I was begining to wish someone would shoot me! at least it would take away all the pain.

Then this morning the most magical and amasing thing happened I had a huge beautiful boquet of flowers delivered not from hubby he has already brought me loads, not from work who seem to have forgotten I exist. But from my lovely friend Sue aka Poodle. Who I met on this site I was complely bowled over - speechless it was such a wonderful jesture that I ended up crying again it was so lovely I will put a piccy of them in my gallery. This has really picked me up today okay the problems are still there but it has made me feel so good that someone I have only known for 5 minutes although it feels like I've known you all a lifetime could be so generous to me of all people I'm nothing special. Thanks again Sue from the bottom of my heart.

Well seeing that we had the camera out Nick also took a piccy of me with my crown jewels, wand , mug and tummybag which I have now posted up I look dreadful lol

Love and hugs Lynnexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well I made it to the castle and back not quite the easy trip I was hoping for so this is just a brief note till I'm in less pain BP had gone up to 154/110 which was the limit for surgery they did the TVH and all went well then they decided whilst I was still in the recovery room that I had a slight bleed.

So they took me back to theatre and had to open me up as for a TAH. The slight bleed turned out to be an artirial bleed and BP had dropped to 40/30 I was given 5 units of blood and two saline whilst in the theatre and I had 90% kidney failure, thank god for the drugs I didnt have a clue abut all this. The PCA turned out to be a god send click click click arhhhh float away........... but I was determined not to go mad with it and tried to use it as less as possible. Especially after reading about all its addictive qualities.

One bright spark in the the recovery room pointed out to Nick that he had not seen BP's that low since he was in Northern Ireland dealing with servere gun shot wounds! Once they had cleared the rec room they let Nick in, I was so pleased to see him! Spent the night and second day in intensive care being closely monitored the whole time. Until they decided I could go back to my room. Poor Nick was worried sick 1st surgery as at 11.30am and I was due out at 2.00pm however, once they had found the Gynie and Antheistologist I was back in theatre at 4.30pm. I Couldnt work out why other patients were coming back from surgery and I was still in there. Also loads of staff kept coming over and talking to me, which made me think hey, I must be looking really good they did'nt do this with the other patients!!. Yeah right two major ops and I think I look good! what was I thinking.

I had intendend to write loads more last night but I ended up being copiously sick three times, which as you can imagine was rather painful. I'm just so tired but unable to find a comfortable position to sleep in its similar to the latter stages of pregnancey when your tum is so distendended that you cannot roll about like you did before without causing yourself pain.

So at the moment its 6.21am and I really should be a sleep but as I can't so I came down to write a bit more I feel bad that I have had to write this horror story especially for the ladies in waiting, but it is what happened to me and hopefully will in no way reflect your experiences everyone is going to be diffrent. Okay I spent 4 days in the castle but I was so drugged up and the staff so nice that it was'nt a bad experience at the time as I was fairly oblivious to what had happened. The only think that is obvious is the incision wound which would be normal for a TAH so that is the type of recovery I will have.

But needless to say I was very lucky and got out okay and am now home resting and recovering with my wonderful family.

One more thing if you have not got a Swelly Belly Band get one NOW its the best piece of kit I have brought and I'm using it all the time! it really does give you that extra support a bit like an extra pair of arms holding your tummy and supporting it. You really notice how wonderful it is when you cough or sneeze! Whoever designed this is a definate angel.

I would also like to thank all the sisters for writing to me I will get back to you all eventually but its still rather painful sitting at the computer and I can only do a little at a time. So please don't think I am ignoring you I really appreciatted all of your kind words and gestures.

Love and Hugs to all Lynne

Well, I can't believe I got here one day before surgery, its been a long and bumpy ride that nearly did'nt happen. Just like to thank everyone that has offered me help support and advise and kept me sane when it all threatened to go wrong yesterday. I will be thinking of you all as I go to the castle tomorrow. Knowing I'm not alone in all this - you sisters are the best

Right nap time keep the BP low

I'm just so very depressed I got a phone call from the hosp and the anysthatist looked at the BP number and said no with out looking at the big picture we have told to phone the gynie today which Nick will do for me. Cause the way I feel I will just end up breaking down. I can't stop crying as it is.

Another month of playing vegtable and not being able to get rid of the pain, not being able to start healing so I can get back to work and have a real life is tearing me apart. No to mention the finnancial implications, poor Nick has so many problems of his own I feel bad being this low for him. He had booked the time of work which he has had to take as holiday because they are still being horrible to him.

I was so prepared for this mentally and emotionally my whole world has been tipped on its head and the goalpost so close has vanished.

My home Dr has doubled the BP tabs and we are going to plead that he reassesses before Thursday. Otherwise this is going to turn into a vicious circle of "still to high have another month off" and I don't think I can take that without cracking up.

I really pray that this is not the case

Update= Still no news from the hosp or Nick, but the good news is my swelly belly band arrived ans its purple yyyyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, now all I need is the hyster to go with it

Update#2 - Nick finaly called me back he had been leaving messages everyhere and they could'nt find the Gynie! eventually he spoke to the annisthologist and explained that I was in a lot of pain, completly stressed out and didnt like hospitals hence my blood pressure was up. etc etc. He just said "okay I'll put her back on for thursday". You can tell its a man a woman would'nt do that to someone else knowing the pain and torment it would put someone through.

But the good news is its coming out like it or not and I rather like the idea hehe

Thanks for your support though sisters it means a lot to me and helped me get through the weepies this morning. hugs to all and much love xxxxxxxxxxxx

Just got back from my pre op appointment I'm such an air head I thought it was tomorrow! After stumbing down stairs for a drink this morning I went to the calender and it said pre op today eek not as I had though tomorrow, I looked at the paperwork yup, I had got it all wrong it was today! so major panics to get there on time and sort out with Nicks work that he would not be in this morning.

I've got some nice indian cotton dresses that don't have a waist they just gather under the bust which I have been wearing a lot lately because of the wonderful hot flushes!

Had all the usual tests heart, BP, bloods although they could not get any blood out of my left arm and had to have second go on the right great fun seeing I don't like needles!

The pre op nurse gave the impression of being very bored with the whole proceedure and ran through the information she had to give me in a monologue any questions I asked she said I should have already asked my Gynie in that case why leave a space on the pre op form for questions!! She really gave the impression that she wanted me out of there asap! the other two nurses I saw for the bloods and heart thing were very good and really helpful.

They were worried about my blood pressure being a bit to high 178/120 what ever that means so I had go see my GP who uped my dose of BP tabs I hope it does not mean that they will not do the op now I think I will go mad! After coming this far and pysching myself up for this. I don't want to have to start all over again.
When I went to see the GP it was to hand in the insurance forms and ask about the blood pressure probs and the secretary said she would get the nurse to see me there and then which was a bit of a shock instead my doctor came out and said to come straight through which is most unusual as normally you get to wait for hours! So I started to get worried that there was more to this BP than met the eye, well Dr did'nt seem to concerned and thinks they will go ahead so thats good news.

I lot of what you end of reading can freak you out, but its the same as when you are pregnent everyone knows someone who will give you a horror story, or spice up the original to make it more exciting! I read an artical yesterday that said she had the wo taken out of woman = womb and overies and I found that really disturbing, because I don't believe that that is true at all we are still woman its not a case of what you have or don't have inside you its far far more than that. I don't believe I'm a sum of my parts. Its more a case of getting rid of the nasty bits that we don't need or work so we get a better quality of life and no more Aunt Flo yyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy and thats got to be a good thing!

3 days to go and counting this has mde it so real today but fortunatley I did'nt get a chance to go into panic mode as I was set for tomorrow in my head!

The weekend was not to good the roller coaster had kicked in and dropped me to a real low ebb Nick had been very busy so I ended up quite weepy. We had a walk around a local lakes and woods area in Danbury which we love todo normally when we have problems or need some peace so that was nice.

Well, thanks to the support from my lovely sisters I've made it through Nick is now on his way home! Well nearly he just phoned from the airport and they are delayed on the plane for over an hour due to the thunder storms over London. Which proves you can't win them all!

I was'nt very well at all last night hence I did'nt write anymore in here. I had very bad stabbing pains, sickness and diahoria till about 5.30am and did'nt feel very well at all. I still have no idea what caused it I just feel really washed out today.

Well before I got sick I managed to get rid of the "vampire look" I turned myself into the jolly green giant with a face pack and tooth whitner got rid of the dye on my teeth! that really is an attractive look! So point to note for the future don't use teeth to open hair dye!!! got the rest of the house tidy, eventually but it has been so hot here.

Today I pretty much slept in until Nick phoned and woke me up but it was good to hear from him. He worked till 3.00am last night then back in the office at 8.00am just to get the work done so he would have time to go shopping for pressies for us, I really worry that he is overdoing it I don't know what I did to deserve such a wonderful man. Eventually got up as there was a knock at the door and it was my body pillow! I was amazed at how quickly it arrived I had only ordered it the day before yesterday, and it really is comfy. If there are any other ladies in the UK that want to get one or are interested in seeing what they look like drop me a line and I will send you the link.

Flomped about for a bit as I was still pretty blah, did a few small chores and slept loads on the sofa and made some fresh rolls lol for the freezer of course!!

So now I'm having a rest and a foot spar was a pressie from my parents for christmas and I only found it again today so I thought I would give it a try its a bit noisy but it feels nice!! Well seeing i'm onto the finally countdown 6 days after tomorrow, but I can honestly say I'm ready nervous of course but ready it needs to be done. Can't wait to wave aunt flo goodbye lol all I can think of now is Bod the cartoon that was about when I was young it seems very funny now and terribly dated there are several lnks to it on google.

Right I'm going to lay down for a bit and hope that Nick gets home soon and safely and in one piece!!!!

So have a good evening sisters preferably painfree!!!

I feel really pleased today as I made it through the first night with Nick being away I think that the first night is always the worse, and seeing that this time next week I will be in theatre. I'm amazed I'm still feeling positive, I'm sure it must be down to the help and support I have recieved from you wonderful sisters I have not cracked up at all I've got loads of bits done. The only major panic was when I could'nt find my Burts Bees lip balm I went frantic and tore the house apart until I found it. Not exactly a major crisis but it felt like it at the time, most strange!!

My neighbour kindly gave me some cooking apples today so they turned into apple cinnamon flapjacks and seeing I had got into a baking mood blueberry flapkacks and cherry almond flapjacks not to eat now of course but after next week lol its getting more like Christmas when you get all the nice food in and no one is allowed to eat it!

Okay slight reality check there! Mum, Dad and Aunt just called from the airport to say they were just boarding the plane for the holiday. Yup that hurt a bit but I'm not going to let it get to me. Right I'm going to go finish cleaning my room will write some more later I think I need to make myself busy before I get all depressed again.

Well back again, I have hoovered and dusted my room and thought I know i will dye my hair that will be easy!! yeah right, first off the little colour intensifier would not open so I tried to do with my teeth that worked only too well I now have red teeth and lips and its trickled down by mouth so I look like a vampire and the happy news is that it does not want to wash off, oh dear that will really impress them at the castle!! and now it just keeps trickling and tickling down my neck yukky stuff! So much for vanity!

I'm really getting fed up with the garden as I can't mow its looking really messy and I never let it get like that, but we have even more ripe tomatoes and the aubergines are getting really big now they look so pretty.

Nick left this morning to go to Germany which normally envolves me going off the rails crying horrendously and being generally depressed. This is the first time he has gone away and yes I do miss him greatly and am low but I'm not howling inconsolably. The reason for this is that I have had so many positive messages from my Hyster sister than I don't feel as alone I've managed to get on with the chores and stuff I even managed to smile and wave him off okay I cried a bit. But he did'nt see that! I feel so much more positve and its thanks to you my sisters. Just knowing you are there makes such a diffrence. Thank you so much everyone hugs to each and everyone of you.

Ben has just got home from work and was rather suprised to see me doing things instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I even spoke to Nick in Germany when he landed and was okay.

Aunt Flo stopped for a day but has now resummed her torments so I'm a bit crampy and the bites are still itchy as anything I feel like I need a pair of scratch mits like you give babies!!

Right the pizza dough is beeping so I had better go and sort that out for me and Bens tea.

Be back later xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well I've added some new photos to my gallery of my family and the garden and one of the pool enclosure during last years hurricane.

The bad news today is that Nick is going away to Germany for 3 days just what we needed with the surgery coming up next week as if Im not freaked out enough. but I'm determined not to get all upset and depressed about it lol I will probably be on the Hyster site most of the time So if anyone wants to chat I will probably be about to the wee small hours for the next three nights. I really think this is his firm trying to throw a spanner in the works as they know how ill I am and that I need him here. Its just another part of their game to try and make him quit so they don't have to pay redundancy. So I'm really going to try and stay upbeat about it all I had a good cry this morning after he left. But I really don't want him to worry about me whilst he is away. Especially after last time he was in Russia and I ended up in hospital after taking to many pain meds. So I'm going to make him a shopping list instead!!! one of the main things I miss from the states is platinum secret anti pong and I know they sell it over there so I will get him to bring some back,I wish they sold it here.

Will add somemore later as I need to get all his washing ready and write some love notes to hide in his suitcase I can't help it I'm a soppy old romantic.

See you later

The temp is in the 30's and has been all weekend its very humid and this morning we had a really heavy thunderstorm and torentual rain. Unfortunatly this did not clear the air one bit.

Finally got my camera back from DS he keeps "borrowing it" to take piccys and videos of him and his friends trials bike riding. so I have taken a few piccys of the garden which I have uploaded to my gallery and tried to do a before and after sequence. I will try and take some piccys of Sparky he is being very funny at the moment and sleeping in his loo. Iguess its the hammy equivilant of sleeping in a tent!

Saturday did'nt do an awful lot apart from tidy up get the washing uptodate etc Mum and Aunt have now signed up to msn which I helped them with I'm just so tired and sore still Aunt Flo is still giving me a hard time. Ihave already offered my younger Sister by surpluss supplies hehehe, She was not chuffed! Did some shopping at Sainsburys and then flomped on the sofa.

The time is going quick but going slow at the same time if that makes any sense as next Thursday I will be having my hyster. I got my pre-op email from Hyster Sisters this morning and that freaked me out for a while it made it all real somehow. Like everyone else I'm still very scared but developing a sort of calm detatchment to the whole thing. It will be for the best I know that, I don't need the bits in me that don't work and are causing problems. I want it done yesteray and not at all, I feel like I'm loosing my mind!

Sunday had a lazy start to the day we laid in bed till late then I made us pancakes with blueberry sauce maple syrup, griddled bannanas, and of course sour cream it was heaven on a plate! continued with the cleaning and getting things prepared I wish I could mow the lawn its getting so ragged and long. Ben was going to do it and dissapeared of riding instead. I don't know what is up with him at the moment he seems to be doing less and less around the house working long hours and generally staying away from home. When he is here he is his normal loving self. But I'm worried that he is working to hard I just wish he would tidy his room that is really begining to make me cross especially as Nick and me are trying to do everything. We had a BBQ for tea which was really nice all the food came out lovely really good veggie burgers for me and I made fresh rolls and veggies from the garden with potato salad. It was really relaxing. All apart from the mossey bites ouch!

My parents and Aunt are going away on holiday this Thursday and will come back on the day of the op. They are of to Majorca so that will do them good they deserve a nice break with all the problems that have been happening. Dad's diabetic (injecting), Mum has had a hip replacement and Aunt has heart probs. I don't think we win any awards for being the fit family, oh and Nick is asthmatic!! Which is another good reason to move to the states his asthema hardly bothered him at all there as yes it was hot but the humidity was not there which makes it worse, he hardly had to use his pumps.

That reminds me I had a brainwave yesterday as I got fed up with my glass of ice chips melting so quickly and the condensation going everywhere. I dug out my 24 fl oz thermal cup that I got in the seven eleven and tried that it works a treat some of the ice is still frozen even when you use it over night and no condensation. Also its easier to drink from when you laying back.

I'm very down and depressed today everything is going wrong. I tried to advise a friend and that went wrong which I feel horrendous about. Update - my friend was'nt mad at me which made me feel tonnes better. I was really chewing myself up over this, my advice had been okay I'm just so relieved.

DH has heard that they are looking at making him redundent because he does not suck upto the bosses.Basically if there is a problem he will tell them straight and find a solution even if it means him working way into the night or weekends. As oppossed to this Senior Director when faced with a problem will say everything is fine and blame someone else normally DH. He is not unhappy about this in a way, because he wants to leave he had been looking for a change and he feels if he stays he will have a breakdown and I really dont want that to happen. So I will just have to support him in what ever he chooses to do. Why is live so difficult at times?

The news is so depressing as well with the hurricane and dreadful way some people are behaving looting okay its wrong but some people will always try that and lets face it if you are hungry and supplies are not getting through understandable. But rape that is beyond my comrehension, these people have lived and worked together and they resort to this I just don't understand and help was so slow in getting through. Then there is the sad anniversary of those poor Russian children being killed by terrorists in their school, the on going war in Iraq, London being bombed and one of the bombers was a classroom assistant, one minute teaching our children then trying to kill them. My DH usually gets that train so Edgeware Rd that really frightened me. What is going on with this world??

The pain is really bad again and quite honestly that record title says it all. I just feel like crying as I feel so helpless.

Wake me up when September ends - Green Day

Think I pretty much over did it again yesterday I had gotten so bored my Mum and Aunt came over as we planned to wash all the nets so stupidly I tidied up before they got here again. Then whilst I was waiting I decided that the chenelle cushions needed washing we have 12 and a throw. So taking the covers off was one thing but the the amount of fluff and bits that went everywhere was not funny purple fluff covered the whole lounge by the time I had finished. Even after I took them out of the machine and put them on the line the trail of purple fluff continued. So consequently I had to reclean the lounge and kitchen, not a happy bunny! Then I decided that the Green Tomatoes needed turning into chutney so that I could give some to my Mum and Aunt to thank them for their help. So five pounds of tomatoes later the chutney is bubbling away and smelling pretty good however it then starts spitting at me ouch! also knocked up some more pizzas I still cannot het those bases right I love the thin crispy ones from Pizza Express just wish I knew how to do it!!

Craig phoned from Wales just out of the blue, which was really nice I think in a way he is missing us as much as we are missing him. But hes happy with his girlfriend even to the extent of talking about engagement, Wow I could even be looking at being a granny in the future how wierd is that! It really made my day to hear from him.

The nerves and imagination are starting to kick in about the op if they do TVH will I end up all stretched and wierd down there because when you give birth it stretches out over a period of time with the op there will it just be stretched or what? The idea of having TAH is starting to sound more appealing in that respect as a scar I can live with I'm no super model! but having that wreaked or not working as well would be devestating. I've also posted this as a thread as I'm getting quite worried about it.

When Mum and Aunt got here I felt guilty that I was'nt doing much as I watched Mum leaping about on the table taking down nets and cleaning windows. Earlier this year she had a hip replacement along with Aunt who was cleaning windows as well she has a heart condition amongst other problems. I felt so guilty, its just not like me to standby doing nothing. So I was resigned to making cups of tea etc. But it was nice to have some company.

This Hurricane is dreadful I really feel strongly about this I got in touch with Hyster Sisters to find out how I could help and they sugested the American Red Cross so I did and posted a thread in case other in Europe or anywhere else for that matter wanted to offer finnancial help. I keep praying for the those effected especially our sisters out there. How awful to be recovering from a hyster and going through this ie no food power air con and the possibility you may lost friends or loved ones etc it must be dreadful. Nature can be so cruel at times.

The weather here is so hot and humid I have two air con units that I keep on at all times I'm so pleased that Nick brought that big American Fridge the ice chips are wonderful. The only problem was that he had gone to B & Q for a bag of screws and this is what he came back with! we even had to have the kitchen altered so that it would fit!

Oh deep joy another bank holiday bites the dust Ben was working as was Nick so for a refreshing change I was home alone feeling blah! My Mum emailed me this morning saying what fantastic day they had, they went out in the car for a ride in the countryside, cream tea at a garden centre etc etc. So rightly or most probably wrongly I mailed back saying The Boys were at work and I was home alone. I think I will speak to her later that may have been a bit rude.

Yesterday was so hot as is today by the feel of things I tried to clean the pool not that I can go in it but I thought it would be nice for Ben when he got home. I noticed to little Pea seedlings have started to grow happy days If anyone out there knows when sweetcorn should be picked I would love to know what signs to look for etc. I don't think my toms are ever going to go red I put them in the wrong part of the garden by the back door its far to shaded for them. Oh well green tomato chutney for all the friends and family soon!! and more fired green tomatoes for me

Then layed on the sofa in front of the air con watching back to back episodes of Dog Bounty Hunter, thats one strange programme!

When the guys eventually got home I cooked tea watching a bit more TV only to have the police helicopter buzzing away over our heads so you couldnt hear a thing wonderful so an early night restless as ever. But its nice just to have a huggle with Nick who was certainly in the mood hehe!!!

Not exactly an awe inspiring entry but thats my boring life for you, god I feel low and now that we have reached the flood phase of Aunties Party even more exhausted and hot.

Well I've managed to develop an interesting new symptom coughing and sneezing at the same time which is very confusing and very painful I did it lst night thinking it was a one off but woke up with it this morning along with intense acid indigestion. As I only had fish fingers salad and mash last night I've no idea where that come from but its certainly not very pleasant.

Hope everyone else is having a better time and feeling good.

P.S. The day has just got better the boss phoned to see how I was oh we miss you blah blah blah are you up to date with sick notes. These are the people that slapped me on statutory sick pay at the first oppertunity, like they care!!! we are struggling to make ends meat at the moment which when you are this ill you just don't need. Its like being kicked when your down and all they say is well we are a charity, great perhaps I should turn to a life of crime and people would bend over backwards to help me. This company just does not seem to care about its employees I have worked there five years and not one of them has visited!! oh and the flowers they were going to send me never appeared. It doesnt make it easier to know that the boss left his wife after her hyster and ran of with one of the girls we work with and when you are in a smal team like that its very hard to ignore when they are doing the kissey cuddle bit in the office. Perhaps I should just look for a new job as well!

PPS just found 6 tomatoes had actually rippened and they were really lovely and sweet all the rest have been green this is the first time I have had a chance to try them so that cheered me up

Well a fairly uneventfull weekend Saturday a trip into town and brought a new dressing gown lilac of course for the impending trip to the castle and a pair of slippers as this being a bit of a posh castle insist that a dressing gown and slippers will be worn at all times in public places to ensure your dignity and safety I never wear slippers, icky things. I think we were in town less than an hour I was just so exhuasted all I wanted was my ice chips and the sofa. Oh did find an interesting product Magicool its a spray that you can put on your face and body to quickly cool you down. I thought this is the answer to my prayers!! Well it works for a little while and it smells nice but you soon heat up again. It would be wonderful if a product like this was really effective.

Watched Extreme Makeover today its such a good programme the way they turn peoples lives around and make they look so stunning what a boost to your confidence. I would love to have the opertunity to have something like that done and the way they make it look so quick and easy. It would be nice if they did that for every one of us that has gone through hyster and all the pain and suffering before hand. As we certainly deserve it!! Oh well back to reality its only a pipe dream and will never happen to me

The Hurricane in Florida is getting real bad now Katrina is a strength five, which is very worrying I love Florida its such a beautiful place you have got all the tourist trapping but the lakes and wild areas are stunning this is somewhere I would like to live I just pray that it dies down before causing any real damaged. We were in Florida last year when the hurricane struck we were the last plane out of London and actually landed in the hurricane which was scarey as anything thank god the pilot was very god at his job and dispite leaping round the runway we landed perfectly. There was a curflew imposed for the first few days of our holiday. It was amasing to see how distructive nature can be we were near Cocco Beach where it made land fall. While we had TV before the power went we were glued to Weather on the Eights.

Poor old DH is still being treated badly by his firm this Finnace Dir really dislikes him god only knows why he would do anything for anyone and is a really kind caring guy. It really rattles me this weekend he had towork all day Sunday did'nt get back to 9.30pm and today Bank Holiday Monday he has also had to go in all day as they are an international company certain offices aroud the world are always working and I'm getting pretty sick of phone calles from Beijing at 2.30 in the morning with someone moaning that there computer does not work. How can they expect him to work 24/7 with out ending up having a break down because unless he gets out fast I can see that happening thats why I keep tryng to be supportive but there is so little I can do at the moment its really getting to me and him. But the work situation for people at his level is very poor which does not help. We are even considering the possibilty of emegrating.

as he was working yesterday in an attempt to cheer him up I made a huge Indian meal all home made of course heres the menu!!

Cox's Indian Dinner

Starters
Poppedums and Chutney, Raita and Onion Salad
Shami Kebabs
Prawn Puree

Main Course
Tandori Chicken
Tandori King Prawns
Chicken Tikka Massala
King Prawn Makhani
Bombay Potatoes
Channa Dal

Served with
Roti, Spinach Roti and Garlic Corriander Nan
Pilau Rice and Egg Rice

The only problem was there was only three of us eating it so I haven taken Mei's advice and frozen the rest into meals for when I'm recovering. Although I'm not sure that spicey Indian is going to be a good idea!!

As for today well I'm feeling pretty bored as I'm all on my own I phoned Craig which cheered me up a bit he has invited us up to stay when I'm over the op which will be nice as I have not been to Wales in years.

Oh well that poured my heart out again as you can see the fun never stops in my life!!! Time to put the washing on................................

All the letters came from the hospital today along with a parcel for me! I was so excited until I opened it thinking choccies or perfume etc only to find a mid stream urine pot! and I thought some one loved me! doh pre op app is on the 12th September at 10.15am hyster is 7.30am on the 15th September. So I went into the hyster store and did some retail therapy two books the Big H and The Sexy Years along with the purple T shirt and Brekkie Kit. Probably should'nt have but it made me feel better lol I'm really begining to get bored being at home now and if I have to watch much more insipid daytime TV I think I will scream or at least put an axe through it!

Well I suppose the thing to do now is start writting a list of questions, but what do I ask? and finish the packing I started yesterday and told everyone that I was going in.

It was good to talk to my Aunt as she had hers when she was 38 many moons ago but the issues are exactly the same she had to stay in for 10 days at least I will only be there for 5 unless I can get out sooner!!! as I can never sleep well in hospitals. Lol lets face it I dont even sleep well at home at the moment!

Oh well better go and put the washing on and tidy up a bit. Its sad I've even run out of things to pickle or make jam from!

Feeling quite rough today very tired and very sore. I think I may be anemic its not that unusual being a veggie and what with all the extra bleeding and stuff. Think I will get Bonce (short for Benjy Bonce a nick name we gave him as a baby) to pick me up some iron tabs as he is not working today.

The reality has now hit home that this is it finally ofter all these years that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I will get my life back I was so happy last night I just sat and cried!

I thought it was about time I explained to Ben what was going to happen so that he would understand and not be shocked when he saw me. So I explained that they could do it throught the vagina or through the stomach at which point he said "oh a bit like a C section" I was rather amazed that he knew what that was so I asked him his response was "well, I don't watch Holby City (its a hospital drama) for nothing!" this had me in hysterics you don't really think about kids learning stuff like that from a TV show.

I have now got my date its the 15th September 2005 the consultant said he will try and do it vaginally but may have to go through the stomach. He seems a very nice man and was fully supportive of my desision and thanks to this site quite impressed with my knowledge!

I must admit though its begining to feel real now and I'm a bit nervous but at least its the begining of the end. Looking forward to waving goodbye to Aunt Flo happy days are coming!!!!!!

Bit nervous as I get to see the consultant tonite at 6.00pm Tum is still very sore but I guess thats a good thing at least he wil be able to see how bad it is. I keep thinking I should right a list of questions to ask him. But all I can think of at the moment is "when can you cut the whole lot out and stop this pain?" which is'nt very constructive!

Don't seem to be able to relax so I made some Plum and Rhubarb chutney and then Melon and Ginger jam we will never have to buy jam or chutney again at this rate or my friends, family and neighbours! I'm now on the hut for recipes using green tomatoes as I don't think that they are going to ripen where they are as they are a bit sheltered. Think I may have to get some lighter pans as mine are all cast iron Cruset and Lodge ones great for weight lifting but after the op I don't think I will be able to use them for a while Have also tidied up, hoovered and loaded dishwasher and hung out washing only to have to run out again and drag it in as it started to rain and it would have to be Ben's duvet and covers!

Did'nt sleep to well either I guess I was a bit panicy about Aunt Flo as DH has just brought us a new mattress and pillows and it was the expensive memory foam ones. Fortunatley no accidents I had even put a towel on the bed just in case but seeing I was up every 1/2 hr it would'nt have made much diffrence!

The air con has started to make wierd noises I hope that its not going on the blink I rely on it so much along with the ice chips! I always thought the hot flushes came after the op or when you start the menopause. Trust my body to get it round the wrong way.

Little hammy Sparhawk is being cute again doing his Spiderham impressions he hangs onto the ceiling bars and monkey climbs to the centre of the cage, drops, looks all confused and does it again!!

I've just been browsing the web looking at watermelon recipes I'm amased how many there are and you lucky people in the US have all these festivals it really looks great fun. We don't seem to do anything like that here.

Ben made me laugh after hearing about Craig getting engaged he thought it was gross and that Craig is too young for that sort of thing!! Poor Craig he is 21!

Right I'm going to have to go and phone my parents as its their wedding anniversary today.

byeeeeeeeeee

Aunt Flo appears to be holding some sort of painful retirement party I will be so pleased when this is finished with without being to graphic I have had to change pads nearly every hour today

Not done much today made some dill pickles with the last of the cuecumbers and planted some more seeds melon, pumpkin, springonions, shallots, more cues, beetroot, artichoke, purple carrots, haricot beans, fava beans and peas. That should keep us going for a while just need to get some seed potatoes now so that they are ready for christmas.

As for the good news my son is getting engaged to his girlfriend I'm really pleased for them shes a nice girl and my son what can I say is wonderful. They have decided to get the rings from a little shop in Colchester called "Private Collection" which is where DH and me got our rings how sweet is that.

The bad news is that DH's firm are being really horrible to him he has been there for years but the new Finnace Director (whos position in the company is higher than his) does not like him as hes not an *** licker. Its so unfair as he works incredibly hard ie every other weekend but this delightful person has decided he does not do enough and has given him a written warning. But the thing is he is so down at the moment I dont know how I can help him I'm trying to be extra loving and supportive I just wish there was more I could do. I know he wants to leave there but there are very few jobs at his level IT Director I just don't know what to do for the best. He is such a loving caring man and a wonderful husband and father not to mention a workaholic. They have even told him that the time he takes of to help me after the op will have to be taken as holiday! and they are concerned about the time he has taken of to take me to hospital appointments. It really makes me angry that they can be so cruel and unfeeling.

Feeling this rough does'nt help I will go and make huim something nice for tea to cheer him up.

Thought I was getting grumpier than usual and the hurting bits hurting worse than usual. hopefully this will be the last time though. That thought is actually keeping me a bit more up beat than usual not to mention all the wonderful support from my wonderful sisters here. I really appreciate the time that you take out to write these notes they really mean a lot to me. It would be wonderful if we could all meet up but I guess that would be somewhat impossible as we are located all over the world! its a nice thought though

As for the weekend took it really easy Saturday stayed in bed till late still felt exhuasted and laid on the sofa for a while it was just so hot! Did a little bit of potting on in the garden this afternoon. Everything is growing like wild fire the aubergines have actually put in an apperance! along with the tufty ears on the sweet corn although if it gets much taller I'll need a step ladder to get to it! Still cannot believe how dumb I was thinging that those cute little sweetcorn plants would make a nice border!! Sunday DH took me out for a drive in the countryside and a visit to a garden centre where I stocked up on more weird and wonderful seeds and a mushroom kit which should prove amusing. DH keeps taking the mick out of me saying I'm turning us into The Good Life!! We then had dinner out at Pizza Express it was a really lovely day. Its funny I used to hate going to the garden centres when I was a kid, nowadays I love it lol it must be the old age!

But reality check set in today its rainy and gloomy Im alone and in pain and quite miserable. Oh well I guess we have to have the bad times so that we can really appreiate the good times however far and few between they are.

And on that philosophical note I will leave off here and have a kip.

Yesterday my parents visited it was nice to see them, but I feel bad if the house is messy so spend ages making it tidy before they came then running round after them whilst they were here. Mum and me even made a batch of cherry jam. It was fun but I was completly exhausted afterwards. Especially as the idea behind them coming up was to give me some help, doh.

I then went mad in the evening and tried to be affectionate to DH this was an even dafter idea I was in agony all night! note to self - wait until you are better!

As for today I have tried to rest up honest but DH had run out of pasties and they are the only thing that he will eat for lunch I usualy have 5-6 diffrent varieties in the freezer but due to all the problems I think there is one pasty left! So I thought I can do this no sweat so I made the Beef Strogonoff mixture and let it cool the pastry that was fine as well made in the machine. I was really happy at last something i could do without causing pain or injury! Or perhaps not, I had forgotten about rolling the pastry out! and boy did that kill my stomach, but dumb as I am I finished them of and made eleven. I think in future I will have to teach him to do this part or Ben. Rolling Pins should be put on the banned list!

So now I'm taking my tabs and laying on the sofa with a glass of iced water watching the incredibly borig day time TV argh!!!!!

I wouldnt mind but I cant even have a bath its a corner one and it needs to be cleaned something else I cant manage at the moment!

I really dont believe this as we are going private for the hyster (only as we have insurrance through hubbys firm) Miss Docotr NHS said there is nothing she can unless I want to go fully with the NHS which will take longer> So now I have to wait till I see the consultant next week. I really am annoyed now. Not so much was it a waste of my day but that of DH who had to take the afternoon of work Miss NHS was a really nasty piece of work and totally unsympathetic. Far enough I understand the NHS is preasured by private inssurance but this was uncalled for. Especially since it was with the same consultant!!

Ended up being very sick last night and yet again no sleep Thank god Im back to the hospital today hopefully get some answers.

I'm really getting ticked off with this I think Im in for another rough night as its very achie again. Even though I have been resting up as much as possible, Im starting to go of food as well I cooked a nice dinner thinking I was starving and could only eat a very small bit. Also been feeling like I really need the loo and theres nothing there.
I really don't like this at all.

Still feeling quite sore and nausious I think it must be from the injection in the tummy has anyone else had Voladex? as I would be interested in finding out if these symptoms are usual. Still back to the Hospital tomorrow hopefully find out a bit more then.

DH has finished reading the Hyster book and really found it helpful in understanding what we are going through. So I was very pleased about that as I didnt think he would read it. He is just so wonderful.

Its really hot today I have the air con on full blast but still roasting.

I know its been a while since I last wrote but things went from bad to worse I ended up managing to take not one but two ODs and got put in hospital for both of them, but please let me tell you it was not intentional I was in so much pain that I got up in the night and took pain killers first time paracetamol second time Tramadol I feel really stupid about this now. The depression and the pain got the better of me, heck all I want is it to be over I want my life back I want to be able to make love to dh I just want to be me again not this tired old dish rag that hurts all the time and is grouchy as hell. But that seems to much to ask at the moment. DH and the boys have been wonderful full on supportive it was our wedding anniversary on the 8th Aug and dh cooked tea fishfingers and mash it was all I wanted but it was the best meal in the world. You have to understand here that I love cooking and my hubby does not cook. So this was a meal made with love and it tasted great. I know I moan about him but he really is the best.

Due to this period of stupidity I missed my appointment at the private castle even though I was under under the same consultant! and have ben rescheduled for the 24th Aug. I have now been out of work for three months which is not good and I am begining to miss it but with my tum the way it is I cannot put my key chain on without causing servere pain (I work in a prison teaching IT in the rehab section). Thankfully my company has been very good about it but I dont know how long that will last.

However they have now realised that Im suffering from endo not that I know much about it they told me that they would stick a needle in my tummy but before that the doctor would explain everything. Come the big event the doctor said "it stop pain and sick" thats all I could get out of him! wonderful explination. After reading my card it said about endo and the injection was Zoladex not that I have been able to find much information on it. Not that it has done very much yet mbut time will tell I guess.

Oh yes also got my order from Hyster Sisters the big grey T shirt is wonderful and the book is very useful Ive read it and now DH is. At least it will expalin that Im not a complete fruit loop and lots of ladies have been through this. The rest of the kit has been put away till after the op, although I did have to try out the wand, family have already offered to remove batteries lol.

Okay Ive calmed down a bit now managed to speak to him on MSN and he says we will talk tonite however he just text me and the train has been held up due to fatality on the line and they dont know how long before the train can move. What a mess

Thanks Moonchime it just feels like my whole world has collapsed we had a big row about it and he wouldnt even speak to me this morning just went off to work I really thought that things were going well between us and now I just don't know Im even thinking about cancelling the surgery as I don't want to have to go through this alone as Im terrified all I can do is cry I'm so depressed I don't know what to do. Up until yesterday he was being very loving and attentive and I really thought he cared about me which made dealing with the bleeding and pain a lot easier. Now I'm just floundering I dont know what I did wrong or why he has decided to do this at a time when I need him most. My son who is only 17 supported me when I had to go to hospital when he was in Russia and was really wonderful he came to the hospital everyday and has been there for me all the time. But I dont feel it is fair on him that he will have to look after me after the hyster. He needs his own life and not to be bogged down with our problems.

Have gone right down again, spoke to Nick and he has to go away to Madrid this time for 4 days a couple of weeks ago it was Russia 7 days and before that somewhere else out the country 4 days I hate it when he goes away abd at the moment I really need his support and help. Not worrying that he will dissapear again.

Perhaps I am being childish but I dont want to have to go through this alone.

Well its now 8.15am drifted in and out of sleep and feel really shattered today. Nick has now gone to work after reading through my gripes of yesterday I have decided to try and be a bit more positive today ie have a bath and cook something nice for Nick when he comes home, its pouring down with rain so basically I'm under house arrest which doesnt help but we will see how it goes.

This is great its now 3.15am and I cannot sleep the night panics are getting a hold of me again I'm really tired and need to sleep but I know it will not happen tonite now. This is so annoying my husband is in bed and sleeping soundly I've been home all day with the grumps and cannot sleep at all this is so unfair. I really dont know what to do apart from cry and that doesnt help abary from making my eyes sore. All I seem to be able to drink at the mo is water, perhaps that is part of the problem I just don't know I wish I knew the answers, Anyway lets try the sleep thing again I'm whinging Good night peeps.

Feeling pretty low today worrying about the appointment on the 6th. Despite having the coil removed my tum is still sore, thank god the bleeding has stopped for a while but I'm just so tired and fed up of being stuck in the house all the time alone with just my thoughts. Even going back to work seems like a good option, although I know I can't yet.

Made pizzas today, well the machine did all the hard work but it was somthing to do at least Nick will be home soon I feel like I am going mad, the only phone calls I have had are from call centres not much fun there.

I'm only 42 but I feel like Granny Grump at the moment, I could'nt even change my bed on my own Thankfully Ben helped me and did the sheet and duvet cover.

I'm so fed up with burning up and taking tablets and knowing its going to get a lot worse before it gets better does not help I just want it all over with.

I know Im whinging and whining thinnk I will have a walk round the garden see if that helps any.