I am so physically and emotionally exhausted. I am still in serious pain every day and taking percocet and ibuprofen for the pain (at 3 months post op!). My dream job is causing me enormous stress. When I accepted the position, the schedule for the fall semester had already been established. Because the class times had been decided before the invention of my job, my classes are scattered. I have two on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 11:30 - 2:45 and one on Mondays and Wednesdays from 3:45 - 5:15.

This wouldn't be as big of a deal if I lived near campus, but I live a 30 minute drive away. Therefore, on Mondays and Wednesdays I spend over 3 hours away from home to teach one class! Plus, I am not able to see my son on those days until after 6pm. The reason I initially became a teacher was so that I could always be home with my children, so this is obviously not acceptable for me!

When I interviewed for the job I explained that I would do the horrible, rotten schedule this semester if they promised to schedule my classes on the same two days in the future. Daycare is $40 a day for babyE's school, which she goes to on Tuesdays and Thursdays. (Because they do all the major learning in the morning, I drop her off at 9:30 and arrive at my office two hours early.) BabyE loves her new "school", which helps. But I have no one to care for her on Mondays and Wednesdays during dinner-rush hour. DS "W" is too young at 10 to watch her. I'm hoping to find a babysitter who will come to the house. I am near tears all the time and I miss my kids.

"W" and I saw his psychiatrist today and he will be starting a new medicine for his bipolar disorder; one that has been recently approved and has immediate results, so that is promising. All of my free time is spent reading textbooks and planning lectures and driving. DH has started his imossible schedule of working two full time jobs: middle school during the day and college at night. He also has a hectic schedule travelling and playing at different symphonies around the country this fall. It occured to me yesterday that I am not home for dinner (or even to prepare it) two days a week-- that's the only time I get to see DH during the busy season, especially on the weeks when he is gone on a weekend. I am so tired and frustrated and sad.

I stopped by the library today to drop off some movies and pick up a book and watched the stay-at-home moms with envy. When I taught 2 days a week I still felt like I was a stay-at-home mom. Now I feel like a mom who is unavailable and absent, which is not how I want to raise my kids. I am so tired that I almost fell asleep driving today and I'm worried that all this stress will hinder my already hindered recovery. Oh, yeah-- I also have a facial tick!!! My left eye twitches uncontrollably several times an hour; sometimes evey minute-- I feel like a caricature! Life is too short to be playing these stupid games.

~ Clementine