believerchick's Blog |
Blog Notes : 9 notes |
Comments : 18 | Readers : 2496 |
Praying I Found The Right One |
05-29-2008 - 11:18 AM |
Warning: This post is all about where I am at with my Christian walk.... so if you don't want to read about that I thought I would give you a heads up so you don't waste your time... ha ha ha
Okay, warning made.
I wonder why it has to be so difficult finding a home church. I moved to where I currently live about 4 years ago. I left a home church that I loved. Once we moved I took several months to find a new home church. It just is so daunting and sometimes discouraging.
I found what I thought would be home, and, well, it was for about 3 1/2 years. I immediately got involved in ministry, worked in youth and helped put together a girls only bible study for jr. and sr. high. As time wore on I began to feel very dry and thirsty. The teaching style was very different from my old home church but I would listen to teachings on the radio and such as I commuted 4 hours a day to help keep me going.
Well in November I changed jobs, got one 20 minutes away as opposed to 2 hours. A blessing. Working for a fantastic Christian man, another blessing.
As time goes and we get to know more about each other he opens up this whole new level to the Christian walk that I had previously been unaware of (Holy Spririt, Pentacostal, etc.)!!! Went to a prayer dinner that was like literally living a night out of the book of Acts!!! Amazing. God worked so huge. Awesome. Now, already feeling parched and hungry, this only added to the burden of not being fed every week or being led to advance and grow, mature in my faith. At that point something had to be done. So I left that church to begin the task of yet again, searching for another home church.
Ugh. This is so difficult. After having been so comfortable and secure where I was. Now, I feel alone. Uncomfortable. Awkward. Completely lost. I know where I want to be. I am praying, and reading, and striving so hard to get there. And yet, feel so completely lost and adrift. God seems so silent right now.
I think I have now found a church home. Have been to two Sunday services and a Wednesday night service. A very small, but growing, congregation, very young. But the feeling of awkwardness and discomfort overrides everything, to the point of not being able to truly worship. I am so discouraged.
I know this is a season and it will pass. I know it is growth and stretching and it will pass. I know that if I am faithful and continue to forge ahead I will get to where I want to be and further. I know all this in my head, but my heart just breaks and I get so down. My close female Christian friends are still in their comfortable places and don't really understand where I am at and how I feel. They sympathize but can't empathize. My boss is awseome but he is a dude.
Are there any women who have been through this before that can lend some wisdom or encouragement?
If not, I understand. While there are a lot of Christian women on the boards, this isn't a site for this type of thing specifically. Just was hoping maybe someone on here would be able to lend an ear, shoulder, something.
Thanks for reading...
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(This entry has 4 member comments.)
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mmmmm.... it's Beautiful |
05-22-2008 - 11:50 AM |
So I am sitting here and I am supposed to be working. But I am not. I am listening to the rain and thunder!!! Just days ago it was over 100 and blazing. Now, its about 65 and pouring. I work in an airport hangar so the sound of the rain reverberates and is amplified. God's symphony!!! Truely wonderful.
I know, I'm weird. I do love the rain though. It just seems like our weather is so pyschotic these days!!
Well, it really is lovely and I just had to share. So take a deep breath, sit back, close your eyes, and imagine the sound of an absolute downpour while you are snuggly wrapped in the warmth of your home and not having to go anywhere or do anything. Just let the sound wash over you and wash away your worries and stresses and troubles. Aaaahhhh, doesn't that feel better? I know it does for me, except I get to hear the real thing!!! Ha Ha Ha.
Blessings to All...
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(This entry has 3 member comments.)
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Interesting Convrsation Driving my DS to School |
05-18-2008 - 11:36 PM |
Well, I guess it had to happen at some point. My older DS (16) asked if "anything bad could happen..." . I sorta laughed and asked for some clarification, as the comment was random. Once he linked it to my surgery I again laughed and asked if he meant "like, can I die or something?" Yeh, I know, I am not exactly mother of the year material... tend to be very honest, blunt and forthcoming with my DS's. Anyway, after explaining that the Lord will take me when and where He has determined, I assured him that the surgery was routine, not involving any main arteries and while it is a major surgery, should still be fairly easy and with no complications. That really my complications could come after my surgery and during the healing process if I am not careful enough and try to do too much.
Once he had his answer he was satisfied and moved on to the next topic on his agenda. Boys are so awesome like that. Ask, get answer, process, moving on....
Haven't had to cross that conversation with my 9 year old yet. Don't know if it is even on his radar. He is more concerned with me not being home and available to him for the few days I am in the hospital. More like... "how am I gonna eat???!!!" than any concern for me... lol
Don't have any read on how my DH is really going to do with all this. He has been battling his own health issues for years now and has been so self absorbed with all of that. He insists on not having any one come in to help and that he and the boys can handle it. Well, I hope he is right. If not, I guess I can call my folks who are about 4 hours away and still driving so they can get here on their own. Aaahhh, well, I guess time will tell. I don't have any concern that my boys will be fine. My older DS is already prepared for how much physical help I will need if my DH isn't able to help me because of his own limitations health wise.
All I know is my new mantra seems to be... "I have to take the time to recover properly, I only get one chance at it..."
I am hoping that by the time the surgery date is here it will have been pounded into all of their skulls so that I don't get any pressure to do more than I should before I should. It's gonna be hard enough for me to stay down as it is... I am not one to sit by if you know what I mean. It is going to take great will on my part to force myself to stay down and rest and recover. So I guess, I am saying the mantra as much to them as to me...
Anyway, ramping up for another busy week. Hopefully it will cool off a bit... been about 100 for the past few days. Went from winter to summer with no real spring in between. And its only May... it's gonna be a hot summer for us I think.
Well I am off to bed. Nursing a headache I have had all day, I think from the heat.
Blessings,
V
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(This entry has 2 member comments.)
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Aaaaahhhhh... What a Difference a Few Days Make!!! |
05-14-2008 - 09:57 AM |
WooHoo!! What a difference a few days makes. Thanks AFrenchFry!! I haven't been in touch with my dr. about hormones yet but I appreciate the suggestion and will be following up on that.
It just feels so much better to wake up feeling normal. Thanks for letting me vent!!! Like I said in my prior post, it doesn't last long but when it hits it hits me hard. I keep telling myself, its my second to last one, my second to last one... hang in. I have to say though, I almost killed a store clerk. I had just bought a StarBucks and they spilled it, like totally knocked it across the store. Didn't even apologize!! Lucky we were in a public place or it could have been murder... ha ha ha.
So I wake up today feeling so much better. Refershed after actually sleeping a little better. The weather is beautiful which also lifts my mood. I think I have all my pre-op stuff arranged and scheduled. All I have to do now is wait.
Been reading, meditating and praying a lot which I think has helped re-center and balance me. I always know when I am out of whack in my walk and it tends to heap on the bad moods as well.
Well, I should be working so I will get to that.
Blessings.
V
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(This entry has 1 member comments.)
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Sigh.... Big Big Sigh |
05-11-2008 - 05:34 PM |
I feel so much and I feel so little all at the same time. I have been an emotional wreck for a week. Feeling happy and at peace, and then completely enraged and about ready to happily murder anyone slow enough not to get out of range. I hate this. I really do. And now the familiar feeling of fullness. That full feeling I get to let me know I am about to start hemmorahaging again and feel like my uterus is being pulled out of me with a meat hook. If only it were, I wouldn't have to wait until June for my relief. I am crazy emotional and I am so not like this. This rollercoaster of highs and lows and not being able to sleep is really pushing me. Manic. Its so agravating. Even with my vicadin I can't sleep. Toss and turn, mind won't shut off. Thinking of nothing but won't quiet down to allow me to sleep. I pray, I plead, I beg, I cry, I pray, I get mad, I yell and rant at God, I pray, I praise, I glorify, I pray. Right now His peace seems very far away. I feel sad and weepy. And at the end of it, I feel like I am acting like a whiney, spoiled, unreasonable child who is in the middle of a temper tantrum and really enjoying it. Then the feelings of shame and embarrasment. Because I know I am blessed and so very lucky to have the blessings I do. Feeling bad for lashing out at my family for no good reason. Ha ha, even lashed out at my boss this week. Now that's not necessarily the smartest thing to do. Not real good for job security! I really do hate this. This horrible cycle. These times of no peace are short lived but are becoming more frequent and I don't know why. The tightening in the chest. The overwhelming sense of being completely uncontrolled. All I can do is shake my head and hope. I am just so freakin tired.
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(This entry has 1 member comments.)
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Well It's Happening |
05-07-2008 - 10:21 AM |
I don't know if it's the combination of having the surgery scheduled and knowing it will be over but having to wait, or if hormonally I am swinging off the charts. But yesterday, I woke up completely enraged. Not just kinda grumpy or irritable. Completely enraged. Like I would have really enjoyed throttling someone! And, today I am fine. What is up with that?
I have never suffered too much with swinging hormones so this is a little wierd for me. Ha Ha, and my family!!! :smilie5:
Any suggestions to keep from going completely manic would be accepted gratefully.
Other than that, just working through all the insurance issues and trying to get all the pre-op scheduled and stuff. I know it is going to get crazy hectic just before with all the stuff from work, and my outside contributions to booster clubs, etc. I am usually out two to three nights a week with meetings, etc. so taking this time off for recovery is gonig to a mixture of welcomed and wierd. I'm just not used to being down for any length of time. I am also way busy, but I am heading into my really busy time so it's just gonna be odd.
I am trying to look at it like a vacay. I can layout, get a little tan, relax, read, all the stuff I don't normally have the time for. But the other part of me knows I will go a little stir crazy.
Oh well. It will be what it is and I will make the best of it regardless. Don't have much choice!
Well, I should be working so I am going to get back to it. It's Wednesday and I haven't been home much this week. Tomorrow night I will be able to be home which will be a nice respite from the hectic week.
{{{Hugs}}}
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(This entry has 0 member comments.)
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How can that be true?? |
05-04-2008 - 06:11 PM |
Okay, so I don't shop like I used, usually piece-meal it and fill the gaps when needed. So part of this whole nesting thing got me motvated to go grocery shopping. Ugh. I about fainted. $400 later and not a whole lot to show for it. How can that be? Prices have doubled!! How can anyone keep up anymore?
I know I'm whining, but man, what a shock. I felt like asking the clerk if she wanted to take my right arm too? Ha Ha Ha Then to add insult to injury of course, I forgot some things and had to go back. Spent another $50. Its insane.
Well I am ramping up to start a very busy week. I am part of my son's high school atheletic booster club. Monday a banquet for track, Tuesday a football parent meeting, Wednesday our booster meeting, and Thursday, I think I will pass out. On top of working full time, this will be a challanging week. will probably start pms'ing this week as well... WooHoo!
Does anyone else suffer from sever joint pain? I have been tested for arthritis, lupus, etc. with all negative results. But there are days when I walk around like a 90 year old woman. So stiff. Usually in my hips. I am actually hoping that post TAH this gets better. I wonder if all the issues with my uterus, etc. is somehow contributing to my pain and stiffness. Anyway, I will be suffering by the end of the week with all the activities this week. If anyone else suffers from this, let me know if anything works for you to alieviate pain, etc. I have my vicadin but it would be great if I didn't have to take it.
I hope everyone has a blessed week.
V
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(This entry has 2 member comments.)
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Nesting???!!! |
05-04-2008 - 12:20 PM |
I'm back. Okay, I have been here everyday. I'm addicted to this site I think. I sent out some wish list ideas to some family members and am getting some presents to help me through. Very excited about that.
The "nesting" has set in. I have never wanted to clean so much in my life. This is definitely not normal these days! Ha Ha Ha. With all our busy schedules it seems I can go weeks without really "cleaning". I have the neatest, dirty house around!! But, amazingly, my DH decided to help out. He is going to get a crew in to completely deep clean before my surery so I didn't have to do it this weekend. WooHoo!! What a blessing that is. I get horribly stiff, very bad joints, that rebel after I do too much like that, so I am realy very happy at the suggestion. It makes it easier.
As for eveyrthing else, just waiting. I have so long to go before surgery. I am hoping this time passes fast but I have a feeling it will drag on a bit. I get to have at least two more periods before my surgery so that I am defnitely NOT looking forward to. Ugh. Anyway, more later.
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(This entry has 1 member comments.)
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Ha ha, in the beginning... |
04-29-2008 - 06:20 PM |
Okay, enough joking. This is kinda a serious thing, isn't it? So I found this wonderful website that has already offered me so much. I am so grateful to have found it. So here's the deal..
I am 41, I have had three deliveries, and last summer started experiencing radiculous periods with heavy bleeding, clotting, pain, etc. I thought it was age. So I finally get around to the doctor and after multiple ultrasounds, and a specialist, I have a cycst on my left ovary that seems to be hormonally charged, and fibroids. My uterus is about twice the size it should be and is so bulky and out of shape it is pushing on my bladder and rectum. Which now after connecting the dots makes sense why I get up to go pee at least once a night, usually more. I thought that was just delivery, age related as well. Ha!! Shows me.
Anyway, with all that said, and my symptomology, I get the joy of a TAH. Now this should cause me concern or worry it seems. But it doesn't. I just kinda go with the flow, ha ha, sorry. And so, surgery is scheduled for June 23, 2008.
So many other complications going on with our lives right now this is just one more thing. Scott's illnesses, injuries, discharing from the Marines on May 5th, losing insurance, Scott being unemployed. One might wonder how much anyone can take. Well, I can take what I am dished out. Why? Because I have the divine strength and peace that the Lord has blessed me with and continues to bless me with every day. His grace is what has seen me through, kept me married, and kept me sane over these past few years. What's a little surgery?
So here we are. A husband who flipped at first but is adjusting to the situation (he did still hold out a hope for future children even at my ripe old age!!). Kids who are willing to be there for me. Family and friends who are amazing. A boss who is beyond amazing. And God, who is in charge of all of it.
The only worry I really have right now is going into menapause early. I really, really, really don't want to do the whole hormone replacement thing. I am so not ready for that. But other than that, God has me and the situation in His hands and that's all I can say about it. Like everything else that we have gone through, the stress, the worry, it's all Gods, because I am His.
So I am looking forward to being here, meeting and supporting others, and hopefully hanging out afterward to be an encouragement to others who come after me.
Because regardless of the chaos, I do find peace in all circumstance. So like everything, I sit back and wait to see how God is going to work and what miracles I will witness.
Hugs,
V
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(This entry has 4 member comments.)
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