RamonaD's Journal |
Blog Notes : 8 notes |
Comments : 13 | Readers : 3105 |
Better Today. |
09-23-2004 - 02:16 PM |
I'm better today. Maybe the Wellbutrin is helping a little, and I'm dickering around with my testosterone meds. I'm cutting down from 2.0 mg to 1.5 by cutting in half and taking 3 of those halves of 1 mg of testosterone so that I get 1.5. I'm not as belligerent. We'll see. I hope to be better.
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Would I do this again? |
09-22-2004 - 08:38 AM |
H--l, no! For the first 6 weeks after my surgery, other than the cervical abscess, I was fine-- great even! But things have gone rapidly downhill since then. I am taking testosterone because, not only were my joints and body aching, I had no sex drive. It wasn't all mental either. My body simply did not respond. Zilch. Nothing. I take testosterone, and now my hair is falling out, which I am using Nioxin for, which fries my hair and makes my scalp itch. I am so depressed that last week I began taking Wellbutrin. It hasn't helped yet. I am miserable. I can't seem to get caught up on all the stuff that I had to let slide. According to the dr., I wasn't supposed to lose my sex drive. He said that had never happened after he performed an LSH. My whole life was supposed to honky-dory. NOT. I have become his problem child. I am also fighting my second migraine in a week. It's probably the Wellbutrin. If only I didn't have to do anything except read, then none of this would matter. My imagination is usually better than my life anyway. I know that if I hate the way my life is going I should change it. I'm trying to, but nothing seems to be working. And it was only this time last year when my life was still good. Sigh.
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I've been lying to myself, I guess. |
09-03-2004 - 09:20 PM |
I've been telling myself and everyone else that all is fine. But I am very depressed. It's been almost three months since my LSH, and I'm spotting just like I always did for 10 days before my period. He said I might still have periods because I kept one ovary and my cervix, and it's not that big a deal. It's just this on top of everything else. It's really the IC that's destroying me. My hair is falling out, a lot more in the shower drain than usual. I'm taking Elmiron, and I still can't eat much of anything. I hate going out to eat when I can't have anything decent on the menu, and even the bland stuff at the restaurant isn't bland enough not to hurt. The IC isn't any worse since the LSH, but it isn't any better either. My whole life revolves around taking Elmiron and remembering to take Prelief before I eat anything. The Prelief doesn't help much now as far as I can tell. Even with the Prelief, I can't eat anything that would hurt my bladder. I'm increasing my testosterone intake, but it isn't helping either. I'm not at all certain that's the problem. My body is so sensitive to medication that an anti-depressant will only compound the problem the testosterone is supposed to fix. I think I'm just so bummed out over the IC that it's taken over everything else. As far as sex goes, DH gets home from work and immediately sits down at the computer, gets online, and plays "Call of Duty" all night with his internet buddies. It's hard for me to scare up any sexual interest when he pays no attention to me. The testosterone has at least helped with the joint aches and pains and lack of energy I had before I began taking it. This other, living with the IC, I'll just have to work through until I can accept that I now have limitations. Maybe food will stop being important. I despise cooking anyway. It's just hard not to resent that I can no longer have spicy food or tea or Coca-Cola or anything very sweet or sharp cheese or orange juice or apparently any kind of fruit--they all hurt-- or anything with anymore flavor than Grape Nuts with skim milk. And right now, I'm falling down tired, but I have to stay up until I can take the next Elmiron because we were out of town and supper was very late. I should have just done without.
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I don't know why I'm bothering to do this. |
08-16-2004 - 07:15 AM |
I have a urologist appt. today, and I don't know why. Yes, I have IC. I also know that none of the options that I'm aware of are viable. The DMSO treatments are a crap shoot. Elmiron causes hair loss and who know what else! Anti-depressants kill sex drive. Which is already a problem for me. My sex drive was great until about two weeks ago. I'm taking some testosterone, which I think is helping, except that I'm still not interested. I think my body would respond, but just the thought of sex is exhausting. That's selfish of me because it's something my husband needs. I flirt with him and everything now out of habit, but I'm not interested. I'm too tired. We're also having a disagreement about financial planning. We're not fighting about it. It's not a matter of principle-- of what's morally right and wrong--so I don't fight about it, but I do get resentful and I hated being pushed at the financial planning meeting we had on Tuesday, and HE was pushing me as well as the financial planner. They both insist they weren't, but they were. He says he wasn't pressuring me, but what I call pressure and he calls pressure are two different things. And I'm sorry but he just doesn't do much of anything to help around here anymore. He says I have to tell him if something needs to be done. Well, good grief. He gets mad at the kids if he has to tell them to do stuff, but he's no better. He didn't even take out the trash the last time it was done. I did it. I know he's the breadwinner, but I work, too. I homeschool the kids, keep the house, take care of he and the kids, and I take care of most of the repairs and maintenance to the house and the cars. When he gets home from work, he sits in front of the computer all night playing computer games on the internet. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I'm angry and resentful. And I'm scared, too. What if he decided to divorce me? I'm 43 years old. I could never get a decent job. I'm too old. I'm useless. If a person can no longer bring in a decent paycheck in this society, he/she is useless. Sigh. Yes, I'm depressed. I can do things, but none of them has monetary value, and I have a liberal arts college degree and nearly a master's degree, but I'm old.
I planned 3 nights and 4 days for my husband and I in the mountains ins October, and we even have reservations at a bed and breakfast, but I don't know. I'm not even looking forward to it now. I'm dreading it. He would be mad if I cancelled, and he would never understand why. I wanted to cry all day Saturday. Yesterday, I only did the minimum and got to read some, and now, I'm crying again. I feel like I have no value, and I'm shredded on the inside. I'm hurting, and even though I've written all of this, I don't really know why I'm in such emotional pain. It's so hard to function with this bleakness and heaviness.
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I'm so stupid. |
07-08-2004 - 12:48 PM |
I was doing great this time yesterday. Life was wonderful, and then I did something stupid. Very stupid. Last night, my son was teaching me one of his new karate moves, and when I pivoted my pelvis, I felt this awful wrenching, tearing pain. And it didn't go away for about 30 minutes. It finally settled down, and I went to sleep. But when I woke up this morning, I was hurting deep in the left side just like after surgery, but nothing eases the pain. I don't hurt badly, just constantly, and I'm depressed. It was my fault for doing something like that, but I had even danced and it hadn't hurt or pulled, but something about that move just about destroyed me. I've taken Bextra for inflammation, Tylenol III, Darvocet, and Naproxen, but it still hurts. If I had only gone to choir practice last night instead of staying home, it wouldn't have happened. I guess I got what I deserved. I knew I should have gone, but I just didn't want to. And now everything is destroyed. I'm not having any bleeding; it just hurts, and it's wearing me out. I could just shoot myself. I'll probably get some nasty adhesion because of this. God tried to get me to go to choir practice, but no, I wouldn't go. To be honest, I just didn't want to deal with the people. If I keep this up, I'll end up blaming the whole thing on Him. I do wonder why He has to be so cryptic. Why couldn't He just say, "If you don't go to choir practice, you are going to damage your left incision area"? But that wouldn't require much faith, would it? I'm supposed to trust that He knows what's best for me and act on that. I don't do too well in the blind faith department. Even as a child I always wanted to know "why" about everything. I wish it would stop hurting and go away. Don't I sound like a spoiled child? Maybe if I cry I can go to sleep and escape the whole situation for awhile. What I wouldn't give for a time machine right now! Sigh.
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Discouraged 5/3/04 |
05-03-2004 - 08:45 PM |
Sigh. I'm so tired of hurting everytime I do something other than sit. And sitting a lot has created other problems-- hemorrhoids. I also think I have a yeast infection. But I hurt on both sides from where they made the incisions, removed the left ovary and checked out the right one. I just want to cry, and if I do anything, I'm just rung out afterwards. Right now, I should be lying on the bed with the heat pad on. I have taken Advil to help with the hemorrhoid pain. Forget Preparation H! That stuff makes it worse. I'm also hoping that the Advil will help the other pain. I'm going to call the dr. tomorrow and see if this is normal. It really hurts. I stayed in bed most of the day on Saturday, and I was much better on Sunday, but I guess I overdid it Sunday night, and I have been hurting off and on all day.
I'm writing here because I know everyone in this house gets tired of hearing about all my woes. I'm sure DH is tired of it. My emotions seem to be on a rollercoaster, too. I feel a long cry coming on. Help! I wish there was some medical help. Do drs. really not understand how uncomfortable this stuff is. "Oh, you'll be fine in a couple of days!" A couple of days? It's been a month!
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Crying |
04-29-2004 - 10:43 AM |
Thursday afternoon -- I'm crying, and I can't seem to stop. Lord, I know I'm in Your Hands, but I'm so scared, so afraid of the pain. I thought I dealt with this after Vivian died, but now, I find myself in the same place again. I'm terrified. I don't want to do this. I'm afraid of the pain and the consequences, and this hysterectomy has taken over my life. I'm still not well after the oopherectomy. I'm supposed to be. I was supposed to be fine the next day. Here it is nearly 4 weeks post-op, and I'm still hurting. How long will it take to be pain-free after an LSH? When will I get to live again? It's been one medical thing after another since the first of the year. UTIs and interstitial cystitis, back pain, bladder pain, critical care clinics and more pain, bleeding, bleeding, bleeding, ultrasounds, a yeast infection, possible dermoid, hysteroscopy, D&C, salpingo oopherectomy, and more pain, pain, pain. And right now the pain radiates down my left side and down along the front of my left thigh. If I do anything, it gets worse. Nothing is life-threatening, but it's all life quality threatening and destroying.
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To Hyst or Not to Hyst? |
04-26-2004 - 04:30 PM |
Monday evening-- I'm still in a quandry over what to do. My date and time are set for the lsh, but I just don't know. I found myself eating a lot of chocolate and junk food today. It's so hard being sure that I'm doing the right thing. I saw the full-color pictures of my uterus and my fibroids, especially that icky, gross one, and I know I have bleeding issues and all that, but still-- Am I doing the right thing? I was so sure, but there are so many things that can go wrong, and are we really certain the uterus serves no function after child-bearing? What if I never enjoy love-making again? What if I get fatter? What if my bladder gets all messed up because of it? What if I constantly have yeast infections and UTIs? What if? What if? What if? And there are no answers. Not really. My mother always says that nobody has all the complications of any surgery. Which is probably true, but neither do we get to pick and choose the complications that occur. I am very apprehensive. I felt like this is what God had in mind for me after the results of the lap/hysteroscopy/left oopherectomy, but I still don't know. I trust the Lord, but I am also apprehensive about the things he sometimes leads us into. My third baby, Vivian, had trisomy 18, and while I wouldn't have missed having her short life, it was very painful and depressing. I dread the thought of going through anything even remotely similar to that rollercoaster again. I know the Lord will bring me through and make something good out of whatever happens, but I just wish these things didn't have to be so painful. . .
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