I haven't written in here for 3 weeks. Things are alot better as far as my bladder goes. I should be discharged from my uro/gyn tomorrow.
I have my pre surgical testing done right before my uro/gyn appt tomorrow. I am having back surgery next Thursday. I am scared to death. More scared than with any of my prior surgeries. When it involves the spine it is touchy. I am having L4-5 and L5-S1 fused. The surgery will take 3-4 hours.I would like to have let this surgery go for a while, but the pain in my legs, feet and back are terrible. I saw the neuro surgeon for the first and only time last Fri. after checking me out and seeing the MRI slides he said this is my only option for treatment. I have DDD in the lumbar which lead to herniated discs and narrowing of the spinal canal.If I don't get it fixed I am afraid to talk about what can happen.I had x rays taken of my cervical spine to find out I have DDD in 2 disc and one is moderate with osteophytes. I had a EMG and thank God I have no nerve damage. I do have severe carpel tunnel in both hands that also need surgery.My dr. will not fix them until after we get my back problems under control. He said this is a significant surgery and hand surgery will have to wait. Right now I am off of work for 3 months(have been off 6 weeks already with the tvt and cystocele surgery). Sometimes I don't know if I can take anymore of this recovery business, but I know I have to. I am looking forward to the day of no more pain.

. I will be two weeks post op tomorrow.I am still so frustrated. I am still having the urine in my vagina and leaking onto my pads. This surgery was supposed to take care of that. Now I am guessing by alot of my symptoms I have a fistula and didn't really have much stress incontinence. I did research and a v-fistula can have the same symptoms as stress incontinence. I will ask my dr. to order me tests to see where the urine is coming from. I may not have needed the tvt after all.
My appt. with the neuro surgeon isn't until Oct. 14th. He did not recommend physical therapy or any medication before I see him.I have a feeling I am headed for surgery. I will be glad to get this issue addressed and hopefully get me out of this discomfort.
I am getting around ok and all, but am having a hard time doing basically nothing.The "hurry up and wait" phrase is where I am at right now.
Peggy

I guess journaling will be my outlet. I have so much fear inside of me I don't know what to do. These days waiting to hear from the neuro surgeon are lasting way too long. I've done alot of research on here this weekend and now I am terrified! Alot of my symptoms are causes for immediate back surgery. Just too bad the neuro office don't seem to think I need to get in right away. I have no vaginal feelings (no sensations from my recent surgery). I had no sexual sensations and no sensations from my posterior surgery in Jan. According to urodynamic testing in July I held way too much water before feeling a need to go.They said that was not normal, but didn't know what was causing it. I had been under the care of a colon rectal dr. for months. I was on all kinds of fiber, laxatives, suppositories, but I still had to push in my vagina to have a bm. These bowel and bladder symptoms are reason to have surgery right away. What scares me is this has been going on for a very long time. I wish one of these dr's would have sent me for a MRI months ago when I complained of no sensations. I wouldn't have to be going through all of this now. I am trying to recover from the tvt and anterior repair surgery and at the same time have to deal with my back problem. I can't sleep for long before waking up with my legs, hips and back killing me. My legs also tingle and go numb. I have leg spasms too.I realized today that I probably have upper spine problems too. I pop and crackle between my shoulder blades. I also noticed a couple weeks ago I had pain in my left arm and left ribs. I had to hold my arm close to my chest while walking to keep it from hurting so much.I also get pain in my left hand off and on. I had xrays on it in Dec., but didn't find a cause. I notice I drop things alot when at work.My GP thought maybe I had some carpel tunnel. I don't think so now.These are all symptoms of upper spine problems. I didn't tell the neuro office about this. I was hurting so bad in my lower back that I never thought to say anything about it. Right now as I sit here typing my left leg and foot is tingling and going numb.I don't feel I can go many more days like this. I just wish my uro/gyn who did my surgery last Monday would call the neuro office tomorrow and tell them I need to be seen now. My uro/gyn is the one who ordered me the MRI while I was in the hospital. He wanted me to have a neuro consultation before I was discharged Wed., but it was not possible.It is so hard for me to believe that everyone of these dr's are too busy to make a phone call in my behalf. I am afraid I will wake up paralized one day if something doesn't get done soon. I better go now as tears are building up and I won't be able to see to type soon.
Peggy

I haven't written in my journal for months now. I had accepted the fact that I would probably always have some discomfort and tried to live with it. I went back to work in the end of March from my last surgery. Things went ok considering. Over the years I had learnt how to live in pain. It has been a part of me for a very long time. I had my anterior repair, tvt and lapro done Monday. I came home Wed. I hurt so much worst from this surgery then from my last.(enterocele/rectocele repair).The surgeon had to work very hard to get the tvt needles through my pubic area to lead the tape through. He had to try each needle twice, which I guess is why that area is hurting me so much. He said I am like cement all around my bladder from scar tissue.My back is the worst problem however.I've had back pain for many years now. It has been growing worst and worst. It really showed its face after waking up from surgery Wed. night. I guess the positioning aggravated it. I lyed in my hospital bed after moving from the recovery room with hot packs on my back and on my lower abdoman. I spent the next day carrying my cath. bag and having heat packs on my back and abdoman (held in place by belly binder)pacing the hallways. Lying in bed made me hurts so bad I had to get up and walk.This put alot of pressure on my surgery sites, which wasn't a good thing.
One of my dr's who helped with the surgery came in early that morning and talked with me. He told me they didn't find any serious cause of abdominal pain when they looked around with the lapro.he did say the scar tissue was reason enough for the pain. He also said they did remove something very interesting from the vaginal area.It was like a black ball made up of calcium. He had never seen anything like it. I was so loopy still that I di't understand what it really was and exactly where it was taken from.He also said that I might want to have my gyno do some kind of repairs in my vagina later. He didn't elaborate on it, so I don't know what he was referring to.That is the least of my concerns right now.I told the dr. about my terrible back pains and how my GP was going to order me a MRI after I got healed from this surgery. This dr. really listened to me and said he would order the mri that day. I paced the hospital halls the entire second night. I was completely miserable. The morning came and a resident of my dr. came in to talk to me. He was so very nice. I told him to always be willing to listen to his patients and show concern just like he was. I also told him I could tell he was going to make a very good dr. He wrote down some notes from my MRI report. He showed it to me and the results weren't good. He said he would get in touch with my dr. and let him know what was going on. The other dr. who was in on my surgery came in to see me soon afterwards. I gave him my mri results. He read through it and said I need to have a neural surgeon consultation ASAP. He also said he feels like I should never return to my job.(tpw in a mental hospital)Go on pernament disability.This has me feeling so useless. I am not the type of person who can sit around home all day.I would just fall apart mentally and physically.Before I was discharged I had to get my MRI slides and find a neuro surgeon so I could drop the slides off on my way home.I didn't feel up to it, but I knew I had to take care of this medical problem. If I keep neglecting it I will eventually fall apart.On my way home I felt so sick. I was light headed and nauseous.I couldn't even keep my eyes open. I dry heaved all evening at home. Before I tried to lye down I vomitted, then started feeling better. I realized that I may have had some food posioning. I had taken a couple big gulps of vitamin d milk at dinnertime Tuesday before I realized it tasted awful. I looked at the expiration date and it was almost a month old. I am having terrible back pain and sciatica pain. It keeps me from sleeping well.I feel like I can't take it anymore.This back pain wakes me up from a dead sleep. I read where in severe cases you can have the pulling in both legs, which I do. Trying to deal with my abdominal pain and back pain is too much for me. I feel like I don't even want to deal with everyday life sometimes. It hurts to do much of any type of physical work. I don't know how I can go on feeling crappy like this. I have to find a resolution quickly.
I have so many medical issues to fix. I feel like everytime I fix one another one shows its ugly head.
Peggy

I had no idea it would be so hard for me to get back into the flow of work. I seem to be having a harder time with it now than I did from returning from my hyst and then the GB surgeries. My abdoman is so sore and it wasn't even operated on. I guess it is from the ongoing abdominal problem I have had since my hyst almost 11 months ago.I am still having the bm issues after having my posterior repair surgery. I am not allowed to strain, so I decided to go back to the colon rectal dr. I will have a lab done on April 13th.(EMG, anal manometry test and who know what else?)I think these tests measure spincher tones and muscle and nerves.Hopefully they will figure out the problem and come up with a treatment plan for me. I still have abdominal thumping and gurgly noises so it could be a number of different things.The nurse practioner ordered me some Mirlax, so hopefully that will help.I am still searching for those answers.
I have a different co worker now and I have to say he is great!! He won't let me lift anything and he really looks out for me.I should have known I would be pampered by him, because that is just the way he has always been.I am so glad he moved to my unit to work.It sure makes work a little more toleratable.
I have to work Fri-Sun, then be off Mon. I am employeed by the state, so Easter is not considered a holiday, although I think it is one of the most important ones.Being a medical facility I expect to work weekends and holidays anyway.
I am taking one day at a time and enjoy the blessings each day gives me. I know I will find answers and a solution to the medical issues before too long. I am just so grateful to be here and be able to celebrate my upcoming hyster anniversary.(May 7th)

I woke up early this morning hoping to do something fun, being my last days off before returning to work. I looked out and saw how nasty it looked. GGGRRR!!! The last couple days had been beautiful, but my boys were in school and I wanted to do something outdoors with them.It was not to be this weekend.
I ended up driving a long, long distance to a big flea market. They have a really neat pet supply booth there. I wanted to look for certain things for my 55 gallon aquarium and wouldn't you know it, they were out of that stuff. All that way and couldn't get what I needed. I ended up driving miles and miles back towards home and stopping at a shoe store. My almost 14 year old was with me and needed new gym shoes for track. He hadn't told me how tight his gymers had gotten in the last few months. He didn't want to worry me, because I had been through so much, including money issues. What a sweetheart. I bought him new shoes. He needed 2 sizes bigger. He has grown terribly fast this school year.My three oldest boys wear a size 15 and now my baby wears a 13. And people wonder why I need to work. LOL It takes alot to keep up with their clothes and food.
Thinking back I wonder how much me being off has disrupted their lives. I feel guilty about it, but had to take care of myself at the same time. It has been alot more than I bargained for.I don't want to ever go off again for medical reasons, but I know I have a couple things that will need taken care of later on.Hopefully nothing majorand a good year down the road.
I feel so blessed to have my boys. They are all sweethearts and I know they really love me and care about me and they know I think the world of them. What else could a mother ask for?

I really feel relieved. I have been stressing over having the surgery or not. With the advice of our sisters I have decided to listen to my body. It tells me it cannot handle another surgery at this time. It is sore and tired and needs to heal. I need to get back to work and resume my life. I feel like I have been living in some kind of zone these last 10 months. Always something going wrong. Always afraid another problem will pop up. My stress incontinence issn't bad right now, so I am willing to let it go for now. Should it become worse I will then deal with it then.
Today -Sun. is my last days off on disability. It will feel good to go back to work and be among my clients and friends. I have really missed them.

This is week 7 being home since my rectocele/enterocele surgery. I am bored out of my mind. I've been home 3 times this last year with recoveries from surgeries. It has gotten to the point where I don't want to read anymore or even work on my crocheting. I just want to go back to work as odd as that sounds. I go back Monday for 2 weeks, then off for the tvt. Sometimes I think I want to skip the tvt for now and go as long as I can without addressing the stress incontinence. It isn't real bad right now, but at the same time I want to fix the problem so I can go on with my life.I don't know how long I will have to be off of work.
I am planning on taking a class at the local college this summer to get my feet wet again. I just want all of my medical issues behind me by then. It seems like I live with the fright that something else will pop up and I will need another surgery. My abdoman has been hurting for 10 months and I guess that is why I feel this way.My gyn told me if I prolapse again I will need pelvic reconstruction. This really puts fear into me as I am a very active type of person. This recovering business really makes it hard on me emotionally.I never had all of this anxiety before I had my hyst. Go figure!
I am scared to go back to work, then leave again. I can't even imagine what my co workers must think of me.I never missed much work before I had my hyst. I worked through the days feeling miserable.I guess that part of me doesn't want to work like that anymore.It was physically and emotionally draining.

Here I am trying to relax and enjoy my last week off. In some ways I am really looking forward to going back to work. I miss some of my co workers and some of my clients.(mentally ill patients)I need to get back into the normal flow again. I have been off so much these last 10 months. I have almost forgotten what normalcy feels like. I will only be working for 2 weeks, then be off for my tvt surgery(4/4). I am hoping I won't be off very long with that one. I know it is a shorter recovery period and my job does offer light duty. I am looking forward to getting this last procedure done(hopefully).I was thinking about putting it off, but decided to go ahead with it. It seems like everytime I bend now I leak more than before. I have a physical type of job and don't want to put up with it getting worst as time goes on. I want to be able to feel healthy and enjoy the summer.
MY finances are already shot, so they can't get any worst. We already lost my DH's pickup truck. We are going to go talk to a lawyer today. I am hopeful things will work out. I do know materialistic things can be replaced, but my health can't. I didn't choose to become so ill this last year. It was nothing we could have predicted or prevented. I am just so grateful to be alive and feeling sooooo much better than I did a year ago.
Life goes on with or without the materialistic things. I chose to be healthy and will never ignore my body telling me that something isn't right. I worked for many years being very anemic. All I could think of was paying the bills and taking care of my family. All the while my body came close to saying goodbye!

I am six weeks post op today and alot of my restrictions were to end today. Yeah, I can now take a bubble bath, which I love!!
My DH and I were intimate tonight, but it was no better than before my posterior repair surgery. I am so terribly disappointed. Before my surgery(hyst) I had started losing sensations down there.I figured it was from my bladder pushing down on my uterus and cervix. I just knew it would improve after surgery. It didn't. As a matter of fact it just continues to get worse day by day. Tonight was just like the weeks leading up to my posterior repairs. I have no lubrication still, get all swollen up inside still. My DH cannot fit inside anymore until we use KY Gel. otherwise there is no way!!Then just as before I don't have much sensation in there. I feel some pressure and discomfort, but can't feel the rest that comes. I can't reach that big "O" if it killed me. That has been a good year and a half.
We will keep being gentle and compassionate and understanding, but what else can I do? Is there any help out there?
I have a small cystocele according to my gyn, but will not get repaired unless it really grows. I am having a tvt in April for a urethrea that doesn't seal properly. I have noticed alot of bulging material from the top when I looked with a mirror. I have no idea what that is.

Oh well, we will give it time and see what happens. I have no idea where to turn for help. I really miss this special part of my marriage. I love my DH sooooo much.

frustrated Peggy

I am still awake. I just can't sleep. I am having that old abdominal pain that I wish would just go away. I have had abdominal soreness every since my hyst,but now I am getting like cramps down on the left side. That is completely new.This leads me to believe whatever is going on on that left side, must be getting worst. I thought the rectocele/enterocele repair would take care of the bm issue, but no such luck!!!For the first four weeks everything was good. I mean, it was always watery, but at least I was going several times a day. I tried to cut back on the colace like my gyn told me last week, then I ended up not being able to go. I have been back to the original amt. since Sat. I went three times just like water yesterday and haven't gone at all today.I can pretty much feel that I will end up at the gastroenterologist or the colon rectal surgeons office before long. I really feel like I have been through all I can take. I have had more than enough tests,exams, surgeries, etc. I just want to feel like any other normal human being. Maybe that is too much for me to ask.

I don't understand what happened. The first four weeks after my surgery everything went well. I basically had no pain and no problems having a bm.I was going 3-4 times a day. YEAH!! I had my post op appt last Tuesday. My dr. said I healed real good, cut down to 100mg colace and stay on the added fiber, then a week later cut out the colace all together. I thought wonderful! I cut down the colace on Thursday and couldn't have a bm Friday. I upped my colace back to 200mg. I didn''t want to get into a strain situation. I couldn't go Sat. either. My abdoman was killing me and felt like menstrual cramps. I couldn't hardly stand the pressure either. I had already took all of the colace and fiber for the day and had drank plenty. I took a BIG dose of M.O.M. and still no results. I lyed in bed a while, but couldn't shake the discomfort. I got up and used a glycerin suppository and was finally able to go after a while. My pain decreased alot. Here it is Sunday night and I haven't been able to go all day again and my abdoman is starting to hurt. I really don't know what to do next.I never would have thought 10 months ago that bm's would be such a big deal. I don't know how long to wait this out to see if it gets better or if I should contact my dr. I have had enough of appts. and dr's and surgeries and tests, etc. All of my dr's have been nice, but I am tired of going to see them.
I will know this week when my tvt will be. It should be within the next couple weeks as a out patient procedure. I was offered biofeedback first, but know I would not follow through with it. I was hoping to get back to work not too much past the 8 weeks my gyn put me out for. With this bowel issue returning just like it was before my surgery I am not sure what in the heck is going to happen with me. It seems like there is always something going on medically since my hyst. I am still experiencing that thumping, gurgling, soreness in my lower left abdominal region. My gyn told me Tuesday he still thinks it is from adhesions. Just what I wanted to hear, although I have been thinking that too.It looks like I may be heading back to the colon rectal surgeon's office to see what is up. I am so tired of this.

Well, it is 1:15 Thursday morning and I just can't sleep. It is peaceful sitting here looking out on my back deck. It has started to snow. We are expecting up to four inches by tomorrow afternoon. I am glad I don't have to drive in it. That is one good thing about being off.
I am a little discouraged tonight. I thought I would be returning to work in a month, then starting classes. I don't think so now.
I went to my urologist appt. this afternoon. They filled my bladder with water and had me cough. I leaked, just like before. I am now waiting for a outpatient surgery date to have a TVT put in. Why did I not wait for my posterior surgery until this urologist was avaliable? I am just too stubborn sometimes. I guess my surgery will be in 2-3 weeks. Then from what I've read no heavy lifting, pulling, etc for 4-6 weeks. I don't think I'll be returning to work by March 23rd. I do some pretty physical work.Now I have to figure out what I do about disability. I am off through March 23 with this surgery with my GYN. But I will need to be off longer probably with the urologist. I am not sure what I am supposed to do. I will just have to wait until I know my surgery date, then call personel.
I need to get another physical, because I will be under anesthesia. I just had one by my GYN Jan. 19. I wonder if he would be allowed to fill the paper out for me? My health insurance has got to be sick of me!!!
They took a urine sample to be tested. I hope it is ok. The urologist also said he will call my gyn and let him know what he will be doing. Just when I thought this chapter of my life was coming to a end.Surgery #4 in 10 months and some days! What a nightmare it has been.
Off to bed now. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day!

Peggy

everything went well at my post op appt. this morning. My dr. said I healed real nicely. I only have a few stitches left. He never even mentioned the cystocele. My restrictions are pretty much the same for the next couple weeks, then I have the green light. I return to work full duty March 23rd.
I told my gyn I was seeing the urologist tomorrow. He said that was fine. He said if my symptoms aren't too bothersome, then he probably won't do anything. Oh well, I just want some answers and some explanations from my urodynamic test. Nobody bothered to explain them to me.
I am feeling good today and still full of energy. My dr. said the amt. of ativan I was on would floor alot of woman. It really doesn't phase me. I have had this much energy since my transfusion pre hyst. and since my hyst.

This has been a long week. My DH was home Friday with the virus. Eventually all four of my teenage sons came down with it. So far, I have been lucky enough to avoid it. I don't want it as I am still recovering from my surgery.
My lower abdoman continues to be painful just like before surgery. I go for my four week post op appt. tomorrow morning. I am worried my dr. will be able to tell that I have been doing way too much! I still have so much energy and don't know what to do with it. I can't seem to avoid doing housework. It has been a part of me for so long. The ativan doesn't seem to be helping me much. I am guessing my dr. will lift alot of my restrictions tomorrow. Originally I was to be released back to work full duty March 23rd. I don't know if that will change.
I am still going to my urologist appt. Wed. I thought about cancelling it again, but then I would keep wondering about the questions I want answered. I'll just be so glad when all of these medical issues are cleared up and it is just a part of my past.

Dear sisters
I am doing ok. I am just overwhelmed frustrated, financially stressed, tired of not being healed, tired of medical problems. As you can see, I am just totally frustrated with life right now. I know things will get better before long. I just need space to breath and yell and whatever would make me feel better!
I got a letter from the college and I must take algebra, chemistry and biology before I can be accepted into nursing school. There goes the next two years of my life trying to pass those classes. I am beginning to realize that I may not be cut out for this college stuff at my age. Maybe I should let go of my dreams, be reasonable. I have to start with basic math and english and work my way from there. I just don't know if my desire runs that deep.
MY DH and I talked to a lawyer Tues. and our only real option is to file bankruptcy, which I don't want to. I worked my a-- off for years, including many double shifts trying to keep our finances in good order. Finally one day I could no longer do it. I had failed my family. I gave in to that terrible Aunt Flo. I was finished.
I was off of work for 12 weeks due to the critical anemia count before the surgery and the TAH and healing complications. I went back to work in July and started right back in with the 16 hour shifts. This didn't help me physically, because I was still in pain. In Sept. I had my GB out and was off for a month.Then I waws back to working alot of overtime. Things were looking up I thought. well,two months later I had problems with the rectocele and enterocele. One thing after another. I had them repaired almost 4 weeks ago and wonder what will be next. I do have a small cystocele(was small a month ago) and mild stress incontinence. SO just got to wonder what surgery will be put on me shortly down the road. I am so tired of being poked on!!!and restrictions layed on me. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I have my post op appt next Tuesday and urologist appt next Wed. Maybe things will look brighter next week.
My family seems to think I am back to normal and can do whatever I want to now. They expect me to do the cooking, laundry,and everything I used to do. I am not supposed to be doing that until cleared!!!!



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