December 15, 2004 – Wednesday

I know I said I was thru journaling here. I have been lurking and reading; Making a few comments here and there. But this really is hyst related and wanted to add it to my hyst journal for posterity sake. Who knows; it might even help someone.

This day six months ago…

On this day six months ago, I had my TAH/LSO. I am thinking back to how I felt then and how far I have come since that day. On that day I was scared; exhausted from journey and the psychological warfare that seems to come with waiting to see if you have cancer. I would cry at the drop of a hat. One wrong look or sweet thoughtful gesture was all it took.

I remember the people calling to wish me well the night before while I was in the worst part of the bowel prep. I was home all day on and off the toilet; but every one waited to call until 9pm….enema time. I could not budge off the toilet at that time to even accept a call.

I have been thinking today how much better I feel than I did on that day. Physically and emotionally. I would not go back to that point even if someone paid me millions of dollars. The emotional stress was exhausting and even gave me a more noticeable white streak in my hair.

Sure, I may weigh more now than I did on that day; but knowing that I don’t have cancer and was blessed to keep one ovary is simply a miracle to me. God may have given me this challenge; but I feel he softened the blow some with that outcome. For those that have been around here a long time you know…for you new comers; I had Complex Hyperplasia with Atypia. No amount of progesterone could get rid of it and it was verified by two D&C’s over a 6 month period. The last thing I wanted was endometrial cancer at 35. I was one of the lucky ones.

Physically; I am doing much better. The endo that I did not know I had is gone (all over said removed ovary and pelvic side wall). No more pain from periods; no more heavy bleeding; no more weird “don’t know what this is” type pain in my hip joint; no more progestin drugs making me psycho woman and mentally unstable.

I can do more things physically now; although I still use great caution. But the pain relief is a biggie. I don’t think I have lifted anything heavier than a bag of groceries since surgery. My incision has healed nicely; it is a healthy pinkish color and even covered by just a bit of, ahem, “fur”. Ok, that was weird I did not know how to say that nicely.

So here I am…6 months later.

I was not expecting this to be such a big deal for me today. But I have to admit that I am very emotional. I asked hubby this evening if he knew what today was. He was cute and said, “Is it love your hubby day?” I got all choked up and couldn’t even answer him. I just hugged his neck and let a few tears fall. He finally guessed it; didn’t take long.

He said he thought I’d come a long way since then and thought I was doing great. I agree. I have tackled recovery and going back to work full time as well as the emotional trauma that comes with all of that. And, yes…going back to work full time was very difficult for me. That was one hurdle I was not expecting to be so difficult. But here I am, back up to full speed and doing almost the same level of work as before. Same amount of stores at least. But it feels more natural than it did back in October.

I feel confident that I can do 3 stores a day 2-3 times a week. I may be completely exhausted by the end of the week; but I can do it!! I do still get tired some. But not at the same level or the same frequency as before. What a difference six months make!

I was even thinking how I felt last December compared to how I feel this December. This time last year I was on heavy progestin drugs that made me have some fowl and nasty mood swings. So bad so that I was scared. I remember having to leave a store to go outside and gather myself together before returning and reviewing a report with an owner.

I’m not saying “take a few deep breaths my dear and you’ll be fine”. I mean I completely lost it! Bawling like a baby and then laughing hysterically; frantically swinging from one extreme to the other while being conscious of that fact, but not being able to control it. Yeah, scary! I finally gathered myself and got back inside to finish the review with the owner…she did not even seem to notice that I was completely nuts! Amazing!

So, this day compared to this time last year? I feel completely sane and normal, thank goodness!

They say, “What a difference a day makes”…but I say, what a difference 6 months make…and what a difference a year makes!

Mentally & physically, I am happy and healthy now. I may have gained 17 pounds since last December…but hey, I gotta have something to work on in the new year, right?

I look forward to what the next six months will bring me. I am hoping it will bring me healthy, happy and safely to my one year hyster-versary. I guess that’s the thing now…looking forward.

I wonder if I will be as emotional. I wonder if I will be as heavy. I wonder what will be….Looking forward…looking forward…and finally; moving forward.