Ladies

I've added my Castle story to the correct message board - here's the link:

https://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/showthread.php?s=&threadid=149488

Well, here it is almost two weeks post op!!

I've not posted in a very long time, but will try to hit some highlights in this post. I'm preparing my castle story, and will post it when it's completed, but here's some highlights.

Bowel prep was not a problem - I drank 1 1/2 oz Fleet Phospa-Soda around 8am, and another 1 1/2 oz around 4pm. Yes, I went to the bathroom frequently, but didn't have to live in the bathroom all day like I expected. I did get very sore, but used some of the moist tissues instead of toilet paper (Cottonelle makes some moist bathroom tissues), and used some hemorroid cream (but didn't start it immediately, which I should have). I did go to the bathroom a lot, but was able to watch TV and read a book in my recliner, then get up as needed.

Decided not to color my hair, and since I got it cut really short for surgery, it's getting really dark now.

Got the call from the hospital - I have to report at 6:30am for an 8:30am surgery. Finished packing my hospital bag, took my shower with the special soap, adn went to bed (after taking 1/2 an Atavan to help me sleep).

Alarm went off at 5:20 the next morning - I showered again with the special soap, and put on the cotton stretchy dress I'd bought to wear to hospital. Was warm out even at that hour, so I rode with my husband in his convertible to hospital (last time to do that for a while!), and my mom followed in my car.

After checking in, waited for about 45 minutes before they came and took me away - no drugs yet, which I really wanted!! Hugged Mom & DH, and was wheeled to the holding area. Woman next to me was very talkative, and we chatted until I started crying, then she left me alone. Got myself under control, and gas man came to talk to me. Got an IV in my left hand, but in the small vein in my wrist (in line with my thumb) - this turned out NOT to be the best place for the IV. Once the IV was in, then injected me with something (Versed?), and I don't remember much afterwards.

I remember leaving teh holding area, but not where we went to get to the OR. Don't remember moving onto the OR table (which I'm SURE I did), but do remember them strapping my arms down. Don't remember anything else from then until waking up in the recovery room.

Unfortunately, the recovery room was an unpleasant experience for me. It took at least 1 1/2 hours for them to get my pain remotely under control - they gave me a LOT of morphine, set up the PCA pump, nothing was having any affect. They finally set up the PCA to deliver a steady stream of morphine, and when I pushed the button, I got a boost more every 6 minutes - that finally did the trick.

While I do remember that I was in pain in the recovery room, I don't actually remember what the pain felt like - those sleepy drugs from the gas man really do the trick.

Was moved to my room (again, don't really remember much of that); didn't have to change beds, they just wheeled my recovery room bed into my PRIVATE room. I was so happy I had a private room - I'd forgotten to ask about when I checked in, and mentioned something in recovery - the recovery nurse checked, and said I'd already been set up in a private room. Hurray!!

Mom and DH came by shortly after I was in room - both were surprised at how alert and well I was feeling (loved that PCA Pump!!). Once the pain was under control with the pump, I had almost no pain at all! Of course, I didn't do much that afternoon or evening - sitting in bed, sipping some fluids, etc.

I had a catheter, which I REALLY liked!! I didn't have to get up to go to the bathroom, and with the way they were pushing fluids into my IV, I passed a lot of fluid through that catheter in the first few hours!

Mom went home around dinner time (I had just jello, broth, etc) - she wanted me to have some time alone with DH. She was just wonderful the entire time she was at the hospital and home with me!! I can't say enough about how glad I was to have her here!

I asked the nurses for some Benedryl since I was feeling very itchy - the doctor came to see me and said he'd switch my morphine pump to a different medication - Fentanol, I think. Well, I was UNHAPPY with that suggestion, to say the least. I did remember the pain I had in recovery, and did NOT want any more pain - he reassured me that the other drug worked really well on the pain, but I was scared.

Turns out, his suggestion to change drugs wasn't a suggestion - it was an order. I did finally agree to the change, and the new drug worked just as well as the morphine. So if I have surgery again (hopefully not!), then i'll avoid the morphine, and just have the Fentenal.

My Gyn came to see me in teh recovery room, adn talked to me a bit, but I wasn't very coherent yet. Turns out she was not able to save an ovary, they were both glued to my uterus, which was glued to my bowel. She was able to avoid a bowel resection, which I was grateful for! She had also arranged for an additional surgeon in the OR to take out my appendix for me.

So I had uterus, both ovaries and tubes, and appendix out. She was able to leave my cervix (my request), and she cauterized it really well, she said. That should help avoid mini periods, but now that I have no ovaries, mini periods shouldn't be a problem.

She cleaned out adhesions, and any endo she saw.

This is starting to look like a castle story - let me stop here for now, and pick up again a little later.

Tomorrow is my big day!

Lots happening over the last week. I am finally finished with work, even though I was on vaca for the last several days, still had to work from home for several hours over the weekend. Things did NOT go smoothly with our hardware/software upgrade, but they did finally get finished, and now I'm all done.

Finished the sewing that I needed to do, and the friend came over last night to pick it up.

Got Mom at the airport last week - I was feeling very emotional, and burst into tears when I saw her. But once again, was shortly able to get myself under control, and we had an enjoyable ride home.

I've been teaching me Mom the area (she's never been out to our house before), and she's learning really well. She has driven herself several places, including the hospital. She can get herself to the catholic church, the walking track (she walks every day), the grocery store, etc. The map I bought and highlighted she carries in her purse, and refers to often.

We had a great day on Friday, went to Lowell to the quilt museum. We actually stopped at work for a few minutes, so I could introduce her to several of my friends, and she could see my work area. I have several small quilts in it, and I wanted her to see them. Then we went to Malden Mills (where they make Polar fleece), and looked around the retail store. Such beautiful fabrics! I've never been there without buying something, but Mom is a good influence-neither of us purchased anything!

Then the quilt museum - we got a little lost after we parked, but had a nice long walk along the canal. The museum was smaller than I expected, but again, we had a nice time.

Over the weekend, Sat, we just ran errands - grocery store, BJ's, etc. Secretly getting ready for the party.

Sunday was my husband's 50th birthday party (his birthday was back on Friday). It was very cool and showery, so we decided to have the party in our garage tent - we put it up a couple of years ago to cover our cars (my husband currently has three cars, and I have one, so our 1 car garage isn't enough!). The tent was a LOT cheaper than building a garage, and now we have some storage space!

I set up the tables, tablecloths, grill, got stuff ready all morning. Then we waited for people to come. I thought I had put 1pm on the invite, but no one showed up until after 2pm (maybe I put 2pm on the invite?). I didn't keep a copy of the invite, so I couldn't check. Unfortunately, my husband took something out to the trash in the early afternoon, so he caught a glimpse of some of the preparations, so he wasn't totally surprised. But he really had a great time.

His sister (his only remaining family) was there, and several of his closest friends, that he doesn't see often enough. Everyone was able to make it. Food was good, company was good, and everyone had a good time.

Monday, Mom and I drove to NH to visit a very large quilt store - 10,000 bolts of fabrics! She bought some fabric, and a book, and I bought a LOT of fabric - found some beautiful stuff for a new purse, then bought a bunch of fabric for Christmas gifts (I hope to be able to work on some of those while recovering).

Today, I start the lovely bowel prep - I'm haven't started yet, but need to soon! I think I’ll visit the bathroom one more time before starting, then I'll be stuck at home for the rest of the day (I assume).

I don't know if I'll be posting again today - surgery is tomorrow. Hospital will call this afternoon to tell me what time to be there tomorrow - I hope I'm near the beginning of the day, since the doctor said it will be a LONG surgery (at least 3 hours). Mom will stay at hospital for surgery, and husband will go to work (only 15 mins away from hospital, and available by phone all day).

Am planning on coloring my hair today, doing some general maintenance (plucking, shaving, etc). - not my pubic area, they will shave as needed at the hospital. Also need to pack my bag for hospital, and generally get things ready. Tomorrow is supposed to be clear and sunny with a high temp of 90 degrees!! Too bad I won't be able to enjoy the finally warm weather, at least for a little while!

Tonight I have to shower really well, and then wash with a special soap they gave me at pre-op. They said they just started this soap thing, and they've had good results with less infection after surgery. I have to shower with the special soap tomorrow morning before the hospital too.

May post later today on how the bowel prep is going - I"m still somewhat emotional, but it seems to come and go. If I do get emotional, it's mostly a brief storm (5-10 mins) then I'm fine again.

Will definitely be taking the Atavan the gyn gave me so I can sleep tonight. Have tried it the last couple of nights and it's really helped!

Will try to post more later today, but may be off line for several days until after I come home from the hospital! Wish me luck, all you hopeful Princesses, future Princesses, and former Princesses!!

Well, my DH and I met with my gyn on Wed last week - I had a ton of questions to ask her, gathered from the questions list here at Hyster Sisters, plus more from other resources. It was a long wait to see my gyn - she had been called away to the hospital, but was glad to see her.

We spent at least 1/2 hour in her office just asking questions and getting answers. Gyn agreed to try to leave cervix, and an ovary, and will remove appendix if it's not complicated to do so. She also gave me a prescription for a valium like pill, to help me sleep the night before surgery. Last surgery (for my ablation/hernia repair, I didn't sleep at all the night before surgery).

I started crying when I first started asking my questions - DH and gyn were great, and I was able to get myself under control so I could actually ask my questions.

Then gyn wanted an exam, which I was not expecting. It was the last day of my period, so things were still pretty inflamed and painful. She looked at my abdomen, and showed me approx where incision would start and end - she said minimal shaving (top only), and I'll wax or pluck the line of the incision (I have hursitism, and have a long time, so I have hair that runs from my belly button to my pubic hair).

Then during the exam she asked me how I was dealing with all this, and I started to cry again. Then she asked if I was having second thoughts - my resounding NO I think could be heard into the waiting room! While I'm concerned about the surgery (it's a much larger surgery than any I've had before), I'm not concerned about my decision to have surgery. I think she got the message!!

She also did a pelvic exam, and pressed on an ovary - I almost went through the roof - yes, that did hurt (and since she pressed on it, it continued to hurt the rest of the day).

Then over weekend DH was great with my last minute projects to do before Mom arrives and before surgery - for some reason I just HAD to replace the toilet seats! I considered getting a padded seat (just for the bowel prep!), but decided against it. So we just replaced both seats with a regular replacement seat, but with metal hinges, so it won't slide around (a pet peeve of mine).

Also am getting the sewing room/temp guest room into good order. Things are mostly ready in that room, and because it's a sewing room, I'm not being too fussy about getting everything just perfect - sewing rooms are supposed to be a bit messy! Mom definitely understands, and I've already told her the rest of the house isn't perfect!

I finished an embroidery commission for someone at work, and still have a sewing commission for someone else at work - I made a start at the sewing last night, and hope to finish it in the next couple of days - if not, I"ll finish it over next weekend.

I also decided at the last minute to have a surprise birthday party for my DH, who turns 50 5 days before my surgery. The party will be on the Sunday before surgery, and it's a BBQ, so there shouldn't be too much work to do - we'll provide burgers, dogs and buns, and I asked everyone to bring a salad or side dish. It will only be about 12 people, so it will be small.

I'm having a hard time keeping it a secret from my DH - He needs to mow the lawn on Sat next week for the party on Sunday, and I'm trying to figure out how to get him to do that sometime on Fri/Sat next week, without telling him WHY he needs to do it (it's a part of the lawn we generally leave uncut). I've rented a couple of tables for people to sit at, everyone will bring lawn chairs to sit on.

I got the grill all cleaned out and ready to go for the season.

I talked to my Mom about what she might bring out with her - she'll be out here for almost 3 weeks. She will come with me to the pre-op appts, and then we'll go to the quilt museum in Andover MA. Then she'll help get ready for the party on Sat/Sun, and Mon we may go to NH to a large quilt shop there.

I've found a long grabber, and a friend is loaning me a cane. I've got the swelly belly band and the book Bearing the Big H (highly recommended by an associate who also had a hyst).

I've got a couple of projects lined up to work on while I'm away from work. I've purchased a book database program, so I can get my books organized and cateloged on the computer. I also bought a scanner, to scan the barcodes on the books so I don't have to type all the info in.

I've several sewing projects to work on while I"m out.

The only thing is I have to get through is work over the next couple of days. I find I"m feeling pretty emotional, so it will be interesting. There are one or two things that I need/want to get done before going out, but things are really close to being all set for work. I actually don't have a lot to do at work over the next couple of days, which is good since I've been so distracted, I haven't gotten much done the last week or so. Plus I have to be ready to work on Friday night for 15-20 mins, and Saturday night (which I hope will be 30 mins, but could be several hours).

But am trying to concentrate on enjoying myself while Mom is here, and preparing, physically and emotionally, for the surgery, which is only 1 week away.

Well, it's been a VERY long time since my last posting!

All I can say is I kind of shut down and totally ignored the upcoming surgery for the last three weeks - I was just spending too much time worrying and wondering about it.

Of course, ignoring feelings means they eventually come back and worse than before - I haven't had any real breakdowns, but have been a bit depressed the last couple of days - of course, that could easily be PMS since my period is due (actually is a couple of days late). Am already having pain and cramps though so am just waiting for the bleeding to start.

I've not done much around the house - still haven't touched my paper back books (read the last entry to see why I mention this). Also, have made VERY LITTLE progress on my sewing room, where my mother will sleep while she's here.

I did find out that I don't need to take time off from work unpaid (for the 6 day waiting period before short term disabililty begins). My new boss (a man) said not to worry about it. At my company almost everythign is at the discretion of your manager, so it looks like I got an OK one.

I say OK only becuase I'm taking 3 vacation days off before surgery, and learned that due to a big install that weekend, I actually need to work on my vacation days - not all day, I'll still have most of the days off, but will need to dial into work from home, for (at the least) an hour, and potentially several hours (hopefully the install of the new software will go well, so I'll need to do is validate things are working, and be done). But it's more than a little annoying that I can't do what I want to on my own vacation days!

I'm trying to be flexible since I'll be out for so long - plus don't want to appear not to be a team player. The other person that COULD do this work will be out of town, attending the wedding of a family friend (not even a relative). But somehow he's not being forced to work when he's scheduled time off.

Oh well, apparently I've gotten back into the "poor little me" phase. I do get that way from time to time, and it doesn't do anyone (including me) any good.

I was able to find a long handled grabber at Home Depot - I had to ask 4 people and be sent to 6 different departments, but I went in with the attitude that I KNOW they have them there, I have HOURS of time to spend, and I won't leave the store without one.

Just saw a suggestion on the message boards about buying a long handled sponge for the shower for after surgery , to wash your feet and lower legs - since I won't be bending down for a while after surgery, I think that's a really good idea - I'll look for one this weekend during our shopping.

My goal this weekend is to get the sewing room to a state of being able to put a bed down - I won't worry about getting everything perfect, but see if I can accomplish just the minimum for Mom. After all, her sewing area the entire time I was growing up was ALWAYS a mess, so I just won't let it worry me.

I've had to adopt that attitude this week - I won't let it worry me. I was trying to get so much done at work that I've honkerblonked off several people (who are honkerblonky in the first place). So I've basically backed off, and have the attitude that if it does'nt get done, it's not my problem. I'll do the best I can, but it looks like I can't push other people to do the same.

So again - "no problem, man!" My new mantra for the next two weeks!

On the bright side, I have 7 more days of work (not counting the work I'll do on my vacation days) before I go out. All next week, then two days after Memorial Day, and I'll be done (again, except for the work on my vacation days - can you tell that's bugging me?).

Am going now to the HysterSisters store and will buy the Swelly Belly band - will also see if there's anything else i want to get. I'll order it now, and have it all ready to go!

Thanks for reading this - I do hope it's helping someone, I know it's helping me!

Well, seems like I"m still nesting.

I've gotten through the MUST REDO THE BATHROOM phase. I actually was able to finish a house project this weekend, with my DH's help, of course.

I had designed some shelves several months ago, and ordered the pieces to install them, but the parts have been sitting around doing nothing until this weekend.

But I removed molding, painted the wall, and then installed these shelves. I also reorganized my hard cover books so I can find things again!

How nice to actually finish a project - seems all I can do lately is plan things, and I never actually get anything done.

Now I just need to reorganize my paperback books (lots more space since I moved the hard covers).

But I also need to work on my sewing room - that's where my Mom will stay with us while she's out here for my surgery. Plus, I'm missing a pattern I will need for a class on Saturday - it's somewhere buried in that sewing room, and I MUST find it.

But not today - it's been a bad day, even though my period ended last Wed/Thurs. I've been having bad pains in my lower abdomen all day - stabbing pains. I always wonder about my appendix, though at this point I'm sure it's just the endo. Don't know why it would flair up outside of my period though - I wouldn't be surprised at this pain if it was during my period, but it does surprise me since I"m not having my period.

Am trying to decide if I'll take a percoset, or just stick with the ibuprofen. I'll start with the ibuprofen, and maybe take a percoset if it's still bad when I go to bed.

Hope tomorrow is better!

My surgery is 5 weeks from Wednesday - I'm counting down!!

I had a really good talk with my DH on Friday night. He was folding laundry, and I went up and sat on the bed and asked if we could talk about surgery.

I explained everything that I assumed he knew - he did know some of it, but not everything. Funny how we assume that people around us know everything that we do. I've spent so much time on these boards I think most of my questions are answered.

He still doesn't have any questions of his own yet, but I think he's started considering what will be happening, and what I'll be going through. I feel really badly to have to put him through all this - he's very uncomfortable with doctors and hospitals.

I did tell him this surgery will likely take a long time - I thought he should go home once they took me away, and I'd have the doctor call him once surgery was over. I certainly don't mind if he's at home, not the hospital - he'll be a lot more comfortable. He said he'd think about it.

So, I think our talk has gotten him really thinking about the surgery, and hopefully he'll have some questions for the doctor at our appointment.

I discussed the ovary situation, should I keep one or should both be taken. I explained the hormone situation, how it works, how your natural hormones from your own ovary (IF it continues to produce) will always be better than anything you take (either synthetic or natural).

He agrees with my decision to keep an ovary if possible, even with the endo.

I also told him about the menopause symptoms - we are both looking forward to that (NOT!).

But I feel better after talking to him about things - I'm more relaxed because I feel he is really starting to understand what will be happening.

Well, seems like my body is trying to convince me I don't need/want this upcoming surgery!

My period this month, while uncomfortable, was not as painful or heavy as it's been for the last year or so - almost like my body is saying, "See, you don't really need the surgery."

But I know my body, and this is just a good month - next month (or the month after, which shouldn't actually happen because of the surgery) will be just as bad, if not worse, than usual.

Plus, the last couple of nights, I've been dreaming of babies!

Now, I'm 38 years old, and during my entire life, I had 2-3 years in my mid twenties where I thought I wanted kids. All the rest of the time, even when I was a kid and a teenager, I knew I did NOT want kids.

I was a live in nanny for 5 years, so I raised two kids for that time (I know that parents will say that's not the same), but for me it was great! I got to experience all the best of raising kids had to offer, plus a little of the bad side, but most of the time, the kids were really terrific, and when they would start to become a problem, their parents would come home from work and I could turn them over! So again, lots of the good side of kids, with only a little of the bad side.

I think that experience got the whole child rearing/nurturing thing out of my system, without having to bring another child into this world that I can't afford. I did decide during my nanny experience that I would NOT have a child until/unless I could really afford to do the kinds of things I'd want to do with them.

And until very recently, I just never made enough money to afford (in my mind) having a child. By the time I started making enough money, I knew that I DIDN'T want kids at all. My husband and I are VERY happy with our lifestyle, and don't want to give it up. Plus my husband turns 50 years old this year, and had a vasectomy 8 years ago - kids are just NOT an option.

So why for the last 3 nights have I been dreaming of babies??

Of course, it's not the REALITY of babies I'm dreaming about, no crying, no getting up in the middle of the night, no changing. I'm dreaming about playing around with the baby, and having fun. NOT REALITY - while I know those times occur, they are definitely mixed in with all the other things, which I am definitely not interested in.

Some people will call me selfish - I don't want a baby because I don't want my lifestyle to change. So be it, call me selfish. But at least I'm self aware enough to know that children would make me unhappy, and I don't want to be one of those people that have kids and then are miserable until they are gone, just because that's what you're supposed to do.

I have friends with kids and see this all the time (both in friends and strangers) - they have kids because it's what you're supposed to do after (or even before) you get married. The family pressure, society pressure, etc. But they are NOT happy they've done so - no money, no time, no sleep, nothing for themselves.

Yes, I know that many people get over all that, and really enjoy their kids - but there are a lot of people that never really do.

So no kids is my choice, and this hysterectomy is my choice - and no baby dreams or not-so-bad periods will change my mind. Hopefully my body and subconscious will get the message and leave me alone.

More thoughts are spinning around in my head about my decisions - what to keep, what to take.

I always thougth I knew what I would do, but that was before the Stage 4 endo was discovered.

I'm leaning towards keeping an ovary (if possible) so I don't go into surgical menopause immediately. I'm thinking that it took 25 years for my endo to become bad enough that I'm severely affected, and if they get rid of all of the endo, it might take another 25 years to come back and affect me again.

Just getting rid of the diseased organs, and all visible endo inside I'm hoping will resolve my problems until a natural menopause.

I'm definitely keeping my cervix, I don't mind mini-periods, esp. if all that's needed is a panty liner - after years with blood just gushing, it will be nice to just see a little.

The problem is, all of my thoughts and decision making may be in vain - if the doctor determines that neither ovary can be saved, then my decision to keep an ovary is totally moot.

THEN I'll have to deal with the HRT issue. IF (and this is a BIG IF) I start HRT, then I know that I"ll only use bio-identical - with all of the issues I have with synthetic progesterone, I refuse to put a pill into my mouth (or a patch on my body) that contains it.

But I think I"ll try to tough it out with no hormones at all (you may see me posting at the No Hormone Desert Oasis in the future).

I will tell my doctor in case of removing BOTH ovaries, that I want no HRT for 6 months, BUT......

I reserve the right to change my mind if I find the symptoms are just too much to handle. Then I'll insist on bio-identical, and may also pursue custom compounding.

The only hormone I really want right now is testosterone - my husband would LOVE me to find my sex drive again - it's been missing for about 5 years (never really came back after the Depo-Provera).

One thing I read on the message boards was especially helpful for me in thinking about this decision - I dno't know who wrote it, but if it was you, THANK YOU. This woman had decided to keep an ovary, and after a year or so, needed to have it removed.

She determined that she had made the RIGHT decision for her, regardless of the fact that the ovary did need to eventually come out. She also said she would not have changed her decision even if she KNEW the ovary would be removed so quickly after her original surgery.

So what ever I decide, it will be the RIGHT decision, because it's right for ME. Even if things change in the future, the decision you make is the right one, because that's what you decided and wanted at the time. Hind sight is always 20/20, but the trick is not to second guess yourself, even if circumstances change in the future.

Well, Aunt Flo started her visit yesterday - I know I'm lucky in the fact that I only bleed a few days each month, and things are fairly regular (between 26 and 30 days). But that doesn't make the actual period any better.

Yesterday, Day 1 - BAD cramps, BAD backache - spent half the day in my recliner with a heating pad. Ibuprofen helped, but didn't make the cramps go away.

Today, Day 2 - dind't go to work today - was up at 3:30 changing into my depends so I could get a little more sleep. Heavy bleeding, and floods during teh day today - cramps with ibuprofen range from non-existent, to bend over and clutch your abodomen bad.

I had to email my new (MALE) boss today that I wouldn't be in, was out sick. Didn't go into any details like I would have with my old female boss.

I have called into several meetings today, so I've basically worked from home for a half day - good thing I have a cordless phone, so I can be on a meeting and be in the bathroom at the same time! Unfortunately, I'm VERY cranky (who wouldn't be!), and emotional.

Also, am having intermittant stabbing pains in my abdomen (probably endo related, with my bowel and bladder).

Plus, I'm also having hot flashes today!!

So in general, a miserable day, and I didn't accomplish anything yesterday (like starting the sewing room cleanup I have to do so my mother will have a place to sleep).

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day - talk to everyone later!

Well, I talked to DH about my new bathroom ideas - he says he had the same idea a couple years ago, and I said no way! I don't remember that, but he's likely right.

But he's totally on board with the idea, so now I can't worry about doing anything in the bathroom until WELL after surgery - so now I'll have to find something else to worry/obsess over until my surgery!

Guess I should look around the house and find something small that needs to be done that we can do before surgery to make me happy.

I seem to be in a "nesting" phase - this is in addition to my entitlement phase, or maybe is accompanied by it.

I keep looking around the house, and seeing things I really want to change. And I want to change them NOW, so things will be nice for me recovering after surgery.

The problem is, while my plans are fairly simple, there's just no way we can accomplish them before surgery. Just not enough time.

In a prior entry I wrote how I was obsessed with getting shower doors installed on our tub before surgery - well I found some replacement shower enclosures while researching doors online. Now I'm thinking I want to replace our existing fiberglass tub surround with a whole new shower surround - get rid of the tub, and use the entire space as a large shower. Of course, we'd still need doors for that, but they would be different doors than we'd need for our existing tub (of course).

So I have to make the decision to either get the doors now, and leave the tub as it is, which we CAN do before surgery, or plan on replacing the entire tub with a new large shower, but we can't do that before surgery.

What to do, what to do!! Guess a lot will depend on my DH's reaction to my "latest" new idea.

This isn't the only thing I want to do to the house, either, but this would likely be #1 on the list of things to do. I also want to replace the flooring in the entire house - new linoleum for kitchen and bathrooms, new carpeting through the rest of the house. Again, this is like not to happen right away, bathroom has first priority, but it's on my list of things that are bugging me right now.

Found out today that I'll start meeting with my new boss on Tues next week - our first private meeting together.

On my list of things to discuss is how he feels about my upcoming outage from work, and how he wants to deal with the disability waiting period.

I'm extraordinarily lucky to work for a company that provides full short term disability insurance - I'll be paid my full salary while I'm out on leave after surgery. The exception is there is a 6 day waiting period, so the first 6 days are unpaid. You're expected to use your sick time and/or vacation time for those days, or not be paid. All of this is at the discretion of your direct manager.

So I'll find out on Tues if I'll have to use vacation days or not be paid for those 6 days of waiting for the disability to kick in. I've already used more sick days than I'm allowed for the entire year (had a previous surgery this year that used up 6 sick days, which is all we get in a year). Plus was out for a couple days in Jan following vacation where I got a really severe sinus infection, plus I seem to miss about a day a month with my period.

Speaking of that, I'm waiting for my period to arrive - already am feeling bladder pain when I go to the bathroom - that's usually an indicator to watch out, this month will be a doozy!

On the bright side, though, this SHOULD be my 2nd to last period ever - how much am I looking forward to not dealing with this anymore!! A LOT!!

I seem to be in an "entitlement" mood - thinking to myself "don't I deserve ____ because I'm having surgery." Fill in the blank. The problem is, what I fill in the blank with changes from week to week.

A couple of weeks ago, it was a new recliner, then all new living room furniture. Now it's a flat screen TV (the new thin ones you hang on the wall). Not sure when it will stop, or what I will actually end up buying. Luckily my husband is helping me keep these urges under control.

I seem to be using the surgery as an excuse for pretty much everything, but mostly my overeating. I've always reacted to stress with eating. Would like to lose some weight before surgery, and am exercising regularly again, but since I can't seem to stop eating, not sure I'll actually lose any weight.

I have a wonderful male friend at work who told me today he was amazed at how calm and relaxed I seemed to be about the upcoming surgery - I almost burst into tears right there.

But controlled myself, and seem to be able to control myself around almost everyone - the only one I really let my guard down with is my husband, but then he's the one that has to deal with my mood swings, crying jags, etc. I feel bad that I'm not more fun to be with.

The mood swings - I wonder if those are peri-menopausal? They seem to be getting a bit worse, and my hot flashes are a little more frequent. The night sweats are almost every night. Just thinking these things might be me starting a normal menopause actually makes me feel better.

While I'm young for peri menopause, I've been having hot flashes on and off for 3-4 years, and my aunt, whom I"ve been told my entire life I"m exactly like, also started menopause early (around age 35), before she had a TAH for severe endo (sounds just like me!). I've emailed her a lot over the last couple months discussing things.

But none of this helps me make my decisions about ovaries and HRT any - still pondering. One day I think I"ll keep the ovaries if I can, the next I think I'll just get them both out, and not take any HRT for at least 6 months.

Still deciding.

Well, woke up at 3am again - I'm having hot flashes/night sweats pretty regularly (mostly at night). I'll wake up stupidly early, but before the flash begins, then I wait for about 5 minutes, and get a hot flash. Then I can't go back to sleep afterwards. Not sure if it's because to hot flash wakes me up so thoroughly, or because I'm thinking about surgery, and can't go back to sleep.

This morning, I was thinking about what to take and what to keep (organs). Of course, the uterus has to go, along with the tubes, and I want my appendix out. But with severe endo, the ovaries are a big question for me. My gyn suggested keeping one of them or part of one of them (if it's possible, depending on how they look), due to my age (I'm 38). I told her I'd think about it.

I definitely want to keep my cervix - I don't want to mess with it, and it does play a role not only in sexual function (lubrication), but also in structural support.

But what to do about the ovaries?

If I keep an ovary, then it's possible I won't need HRT - but keeping an ovary means I'm generating my own hormones, which the endo feeds on, which means the endo can come back and/or continue to grow.

But if both ovaries are taken out, then it's immediate surgical menopause, which is much harder on the body than natural menopause. Stronger symptoms (hot flashes, night sweats, moodiness). Not sure I really want to go through that if I can avoid it. But this is much more likely to get rid of the endo (and keep it away).

If both ovaries have to come out, I know I don't want any HRT for 6 months - this is to let the endo die off. But if the symptoms get too bad, I want the option of starting HRT (bio-identical only!) to help relieve the symptoms.

But my big decision is do I have the gyn leave an ovary if she can?

Still thinking on this one.

Well, I'm happy to report that I got both my leg wax and my haircut scheduled for good times the day my Mom flies in (see the schedule below).

Also, we had our first big team meeting since the reorg announced last Friday - as I took my turn introducting myself, I looked around at the 50 people in the room and realized I was one of only 2 women in the group.

I don't know if that will make things more difficult, or if it will make things easier - some of both I guess.

My new boss does know I"ll be out of the office soon for surgery - I haven't had a chance to discuss it with him privately yet, so that's something that still needs to happen. I'll have to wait and see.

Here's my compulsive planning schedule so far - I'll try to update it as things change.

Before surgery sometime - install new shower doors on bathtub upstairs; reorganize computer desk; buy new computer and get things set up to dial into work remotely; organize & rearrange sewing room to find space for my Mom to sleep

Wed May 26 - consultation with gyn/surgeon - ask all my questions, decide what stays and what goes, make sure my husband understands things (I've repeatedly insisted my husband come to this appt, even though he doesn't really want to)

Memorial Day weekend - have fun, prep the house for Mom's visit

Tues, June 1 - work

Wed June 2 - work, housecleaners come this day

Thurs June 3 - vacation day - Haircut, Leg wax, pick Mom up from airport around 5pm.

Fri June 4 - vacation day - pre-op appointment - does Mom want to come with me? Followed by trip with Mom to Quilt Museum in Andover MA.

Sat June 5 - rest day or trip to NH to Keepsake Quilting, followed by lunch/dinner with SIL. Need to go grocery shopping, go to pharmacy and get bowel prep stuff.

Sun June 6 - rest day or trip to NH to Keepsake Quilting, followed by lunch/dinner with SIL.

Mon June 7 - nothing planned

Tues June 8 - Day before surgery - bowel prep begins at 7am and last all day 12 hours), so NOTHING is planned for this day (except for books in the bathroom). Also, must pack up suitcase for castle, lay out clothes for the next day, and cut finger and toenails.

Wed June 9 - surgery at last - SAH with possible BSO.

Well, today, I was supposed to go to Microsoft for an all day seminar - but I'm turning into a scatterbrain, since all I can think about is upcoming surgery (and all the plans to make).

Left late, took a wrong turn (scatterbrained), got there 30 mins late to discover they've moved! Tried using my DVD NAV system in my new car, and it takes me to a warehouse. So no good with the seminar! Came home and decided to take the rest of the day off.

For some reason, I have it in my head we MUST install shower doors on our tub before surgery (really HATE the shower curtain concept, though we've used it for years). We shopped for doors over the weekend, and I think I'll measure and go order them this afternoon. Can't say why this is so important to me, it just IS!

I'm a compulsive planner, so will be working on my lists and plans today. If anyone wants my lists of things to do and/or questions to ask the doctor, please send me a PM and I'll email or PM you what I have SO FAR - these things are changing constantly!

Also, I think I"ll schedule my hair cut and leg wax today. My mom's coming out about a week before my surgery, arrives in the late afternoon. I've already taken several vacation days before surgery, so I'll have some time to spend with her while I'm feeling good before I get all cranky because I'm in pain. I'll schedule the hair cut and leg wax for the day Mom arrives, so I can get them out of the way, and not waste any time my Mom is here.

These are the kinds of things I think about when it comes to scheduling - well, better get on the phone to the hair dressers!

Over the last month, since finding out I'll be having a hyst, I've been making plans - I'll have my mother come out and stay with me for a couple weeks during surgery - will be nice as my husband won't have to take so much time off from work, and will have someone to help relieve him from my after care.

Have created a long list of questions for the gyn for my May question asking appointment. I'll try to share with my DH, but he's not terribly into this topic - I think he's avoiding it, since he's concerned about things.

My biggest problem is I’m obsessing over the upcoming surgery – I was always a compulsive planner. But I have all kinds of lists to keep me going, and sent out an email the other day to everyone at work letting them know I have only 6 weeks to go before I’m out of the office for a long time.

Found out on Friday we’ve had another major re-org at work – I no longer work for a woman but for a man now – will he understand why I have to be out at least a day every month? How do I explain so neither of us is uncomfortable?

Will let every one know how things go after my first meeting with my new boss.

Well, I'm here to share with others my journey through Hysterectomy. I hope I can help others with their own decisions, and their journey. I tend to be long winded, so my first post here is my entire history so far! If you want more of the stuff that's going on recently, please scroll down until after my first post.

I started my period at the age of 11 - my very first period was spent in the bathroom, on the toilet, for several days. But nothing lead me to expect how terrible I would feel. Very bad cramps from period #1. I ended up with Ibuprofen, started with 400mg - finally something helped, though my first day every month tended to be very bad with cramps.

Started on birth control pills at the age of 17, to try to help with the periods. Since my family, esp. my father, was devoutly Catholic, I had to hide the pills from him. My mother was the one that was aware of my problems, and took my to a doctor that suggested the pill.

I remember being pretty happy after I started on the pill - I wasn't using them for birth control (that Catholic thing), but they did seem to help my periods, and through my first couple of years in college, they were OK. I still had TERRIBLE cramps, but they were only for 1 day (the first).

My 2nd year in college, I had a bit of a scare - my periods stopped. When I got home from college for the summer that year, my mother noticed that I was CRAZY. Literally borderline insane - moods would bounce all over the place, snapping at one person one minute, crying uncontrollably the next, then be deliriously happy the next minute. Turned out my latest pill had progesterone in it, fairly high dose. This was my first indication that I had problems with synthetic progesterone (I would learn more later!) - I went off all pills to straighten my system out, and re-start my periods.

Through my 20's, I had continued having problems with my period - bad cramps, esp. the first day, took large doses of Motrin (which turned into a generic Ibuprofen). Also started having severe stabbing pains when I went to the bathroom during my period (either urinating or bowel movement) - was very painful, but didn't happen all the time, so I pretty much thought it was my imagination - after all, it only happened during my period, and never lasted long.

As I got into my 30's went on the pill again after meeting a wonderful man – But I started losing my sex drive (in the course of 2 years, we went from having sex twice a day, to twice a week, to twice a month). I also started gaining weight.

Told my doctor I was having a lot of problems with my period - but was never able to really quantify what "a lot of problems were".

When I was about 31, I went off the pill after my SO had a vasectomy. We both hoped it would help me regain my sex drive, and it did help for a while.

But the periods kept getting worse - I was now missing about a day of work a month, due to severe cramps. I saw my doctor and a gynecologist, but no one had anything to suggest except to go back onto the pill.

Finally, my GP suggested taking Depo-Provera to help with the bleeding and cramps. Well, it did stop my periods after just the 1st injection - it also totally stopped my sex drive - I became completely asexual, had no sexual thoughts or impulses whatsoever. I also gained approx. 25 pounds, after my weight had been totally constant for years.

So after 2 injections, I decided no more Depo. But my periods didn't come back, nor did I get my sexuality back. After 6 months, my GP was concerned and sent me to my current GYN. The DAY of my first appt. with this gyn, I started my first period in over a year (of course). But because I hadn't had a period in a while, I mentioned that I had severe cramping each time, but wasn't very specific about the exact problems.

Started seeing this gyn yearly, and each year, I'd complain about cramps and heavy flow, esp. the first day. Each time I complained, the gyn suggested I go back on the pill. By this point, I decided NO MORE HORMONES, and always refused this option.

Then, 2 years ago, things started to change. First, my boss at work had a hysterectomy - she was home for 8 weeks recovering. I was going through a VERY difficult time at work, and decided mentally, that I needed a lot of time off (6-8 weeks) and a hyst was the way to get it. It would also, coincidentally, solve my period problems as well!

Of course, that is the ABSOLUTE WRONG reason to have a hyst, and my gyn was correct to refuse to do it.

But then my periods started to really get bad - the ibuprofen that I took so much of started not working on the worst days - I was missing work, but was not adequately able to communicate to my gyn the issues I was having.

I thought HOW can I get the gyn to realize this is a REAL problem I'm having? At that point, I started a period journal - each day I'd write down ALL my symptoms, what meds I'd taken, how I felt, and how much work I'd missed. I mailed this journal to my GYN a week before my next appt.

At my NEXT appointment, I finally got the attention of my gyn for my problems - because I was able to document what was going on, I was able to explain things much better, and my gyn agreed I had an unusual period, and had problems. But because of my age, 36, her only suggestion was more birth control pills. I refused due to the issues I’d had in the past (some pills made me crazy, all took away my sex drive). There had to be something else that would help.

I had also started having hot flashes at this point, and was hopeful that maybe I was starting menopause (at the age of 35). I investigated with all of the women in my family, and discovered not ONE had gone through menopause - they'd all had hysterectomies for a variety of reasons. Some because that's what was done when a woman reached a certain age, some for Fibroids. I did find out from my paternal aunt that she'd started menopausal symptoms at 35, and had a hyst shortly afterwards. So if I was starting menopause, I'd be the first woman in my family to go through it - no one to talk to about what to expect!

My GYN suggested synthetic progesterone, for 6 days a month. I didn't realize that it was the progesterone that I'd had problems with in both the Depo-Provera, and other birth control pills. The Gyn said it was frequently used to help control heavy bleeding, so I agreed to try it for a few months.

My first month on the progesterone, I didn't really notice anything (except my low sex drive got even lower). My period was no different, perhaps even a little worse, with worse cramps and worse bleeding. My second month on the progesterone, after only 4 days, I realized that I had to stop - I was going insane again, only this time I was having homicidal thoughts - literally wanted to kill people around me. I almost lost my job due to my mood swings - I'd fly into a rage for no reason, and tear into people around me.

I stopped the progesterone immediately, and after several days, started to make amends for the relationships I'd damaged in only 5 days of progesterone. Thankfully, I have some wonderfully understanding friends, though my professional image had been severely damaged at work, and to this day (years later) I still have a certain image at work from those 5 days.

I continued to keep my period journal, and would bring it in each yearly visit to my gyn to discuss - her only suggestions were birth control pills or hormones, which I refused.

Finally, in the last 18-24 months, my period changed again. Instead of the severe cramps and heavy bleeding, I started having severe PAIN and VERY heavy bleeding (lots of clots). Again, I was documenting EVERYTHING, and made sure to put in bold letters how much work I was missing. Again, I sent a letter to my doctor (though I had no upcoming appt) saying SOMETHING had to be done, here's what I'm experiencing.

To my surprise, I got a phone call from my gyn – she set up an appt. Went in and talked to her again - she suggested having a D&C and hysteroscopy - she'd go in and look around, see if she could find anything abnormal, then do a D&C and we'd see if this helped. I agreed, and had this done in March 2003.

My first period afterwards was just as heavy and painful as before - I was SO disappointed! But then the next two or three periods were WONDERFUL - what I would image a normal period to be! Bleeding, but not excessive, cramps, but very controllable by a reasonable amount of ibuprofen - I was in heaven!!

But then they started back to being VERY bad - and I started having floods - I would totally soak through an overnight maxi, my underwear, my pants, and anything I'd be sitting on (like my chair at work). I was having to go home after these floods, and again, was missing work each month. This only AFTER having to clean up after myself - how humiliating to have to scrub an office chair on your hands and knees to get blood stains out, while you are completely soaked with blood from the waist down.

About this time, I discovered the HysterSisters website - whenever I would come home from work covered in blood, and in terrible pain, I'd sit at my computer, read about what other women were going through, and dream about a hyst.

At my yearly appt, I told the gyn what was happening, and that this was unacceptable - I needed something to FIX what was going on.

Her first suggestion was the Mirena UID - this had progesterone in it, but the gyn said it was a very small dosage, and it stayed local (didn't go into your blood stream). I agreed to think about it (I wanted to research it before agreeing). After my internet research, I found that the progesterone in the IUD did NOT remain local, it went into your bloodstream. I refused to go through the homicidal mood swings again, and refused the IUD.

At this point, the gyn suggested an Endo Ablation to be done by her colleague who specializes in them. I'd read about Ablations (on this very website) and thought it would be a good solution to my issues. While nothing I'd read suggested that it would help with my terrible cramps, I thought if the bleeding lessened, then the cramps couldn't be as bad as they were now.

I managed to schedule the Ablation to occur at the same time as an umbilical hernia repair – I’d had my gall bladder out approx. 18 months before and had developed a bulge in my belly button, that the surgeon said was a hernia that needed to be repaired. Since both the ablation and the hernia surgery required general anesthesia, I thought I would have them both done at the same time, to have a single leave from work (I was missing work EVERY month for my period at this point). I also wanted more time to recover from the ablation than just a weekend.

So this joint surgery was scheduled for early Feb, 2004. Went in at 5:30 AM, got all ready – went under. When I woke up in recovery, I was told that the ablation was not able to be done, and that I’d be staying in the hospital over night. Both surgeries were supposed to be day surgeries, and I was supposed to have gone home the same day.

Found out later that when the gyn introduced instruments into my uterus to do the prelim D&C, the instruments had punctured my uterus. It was due to this that the gyn surgery could not be continued, and no D&C or ablation. Since I was having the hernia repair at the same time, the instruments were in the OR to do a laparoscopy (the hernia was going to be repaired laprascopically). So the gyn did an exploratory laparoscopy on me, to determine if my bowel or other organs had been punctured when my uterus was. He discovered no other damage, EXCEPT for severe stage 4 endo all over my insides. Everything was covered in adhesions, and my uterus was completely fused to my bowel, totally out of place. This explained when the uterus was punctured – it wasn’t where it was supposed to be!

The hernia repair went according to plan, and was fine – I went home from the hospital the next day, after the gyn told me my next step would likely need to be a hyst – it was the only thing that had a chance of solving my monthly problems.

Two weeks later I met with my usual gyn – she agreed with her colleague, and said due to the severity of the endo, with the bowel involvement, she didn’t want an intern to assist, but wanted the other gyn surgeon to assist (who attempted my ablation), PLUS a general surgeon, since there was a lot of bowel involvement, and they might need to remove part of my bowel to get everything.

FINALLY, at last, I had a reason for all of my problems every month – I wasn’t imaging things, I wasn’t crazy, or a hypochondriac! But even though I was finally getting the hyst I wanted, it was much more severe and involved then I had ever expected. It took me some time to come to terms with the severity of the surgery that needed to be one. My gyn also suggested that I consider keeping an ovary or part of an ovary if possible, to keep my normal hormones functioning.

I had always known, from the time I first started thinking about a hyst, that I wanted to keep my cervix and my ovaries, in the hopes of regaining a normal sex drive. But now with the endo, I was conflicted. Everything I’ve read indicates that the monthly cycle of hormones is what causes the endo, and leaving the ovaries raised the chances of the endo returning and causing more problems.

So that’s where I’m at right now – a hyst scheduled for June 9th. Per surgery testing on June 3rd, and a meeting with my gyn on May 28th to discuss what will be done, what I WANT done, and to get all my questions answered. I’m insisting my husband come along with me to this appt. with my gyn so he understands exactly what will happen, and how long the recovery will take.