Gas bubbles are the devil.
I have never felt anything hurt so much
Hopefully this will be over soon cause I cannot take it much longer.
Stupid gas bubbles are making it hard to breath. Hurting my really bruised belly and keeping me from sleep.

So I made it another day. The chest cold threw me into an awful panic today but thanks to xanax and some help of the hubby I am feeling a little less crazy.

Now it is time to rest and get better. Maybe I can keep the crazy lady inside me quiet long enought to sleep!

Surgery went well. They removed a bunch of adhesions, had to cauterize a lot of endo and drained and removed the monster cyst.

Now I have the start of a really nasty chest cold. Can't breath well, dizzy, ears popping and all the rest...AHHH

No more. I wanna be healthy again dangit! Poor hubby cannot take my panic attacks and all that jazz anymore..

Hopefully this is the last go round!

Is it possible to be too strong? To have the ability to handle everything with only the smallest of breakdowns? Would it be wrong to go through life with very little worry and upset over many things?

Anyways...Here is what is going on in my life and I think I am crazy because I don't think it is that much....

• My husband lost his job due to layoffs
• He has two bulging discs in his back
• I am facing another surgery in 4 days
• My grandmother passed away
• My job is stressfull to say the least
• I am having heart problems. The doc says everything is ok per the nuclear stress test, ECG, EKG, and tilt table test but for some reason I don't think having a resting pulse of nearly 100 and sometimes higher is normal!

I will be having another surgery on June 25th at 3:30 in the afteroon to remove a comlex cyst from my remaining ovary. I might even lose that ovary and end up in surgical menopause. My husband lost his job and our finances are slowly drying out. I am depressed and tired and cannot bear to keep up the pace I have set for myself.

I don't know if I should have the surgery because a lot of the time the pain is not that bad. I have waited over 6 months hoping it would go away on its own and I would like to wait another but I know if I don't take some time for myself then I will lose my mind. I keep wanting to cry but can't for some reason. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I know this stuff is an amazing drug for so many people but for me, it almost mean death. After my surgery my migraines became more and more frequent so I asked to be placed on the newest "wonder drug" that also helps with weight loss. I upped my dose very slowly.

First week was 25mg at night and I got the hand tingles and the worst mirgrains I have had in years.I started getting these aches in my bones and in my chest and I was forgetting everything I figured it was my body getting used to it and went about life the best I could.

Second week was 25mg once at night, once in the am. With this the headaches started to fade and the hand tingles went away. The ache in my chest went to full blown pain and I started freaking out but, like the idiot I can be, did not stop taking it and did not call the doctor. I went on like this for the week and it slowly got worse.

Third Week was 50 mg at night, 25mg in the AM. This is when things got really bad. My lips started to tingle, my tongue split (like your lips do when they get dry) I went to the doctors and they ran a million tests on me and they told me "we cannot be 100% sure you did not have a heart attack because your cardiac enzymes are at the high end of normal" so I now get to go through stress testing and all that stuff...

So yeah, word of advice....RESEARCH any drug they give you befoer you take it.

I am tired and just want to quit but I can, can I?

This stupid thing on the right ovary is laying on my bladder/bowels. I constintly feel the urge to :go: but can't.

I think I would cry if I could get a full nights sleep without having to wake up to go pee!

I have been running crazy with work and getting my life back on track...
The cyst is still there, I know because I can actually feel it. It is squishy and rolly and kinda gross, but it is like a bruise you cannot stop poking! I have my u/s on 2/29 and am hoping it has cleared by then. I really don't want to have to have another surgery but such is life I guess.

The hormones seem to have leveled out and I am sleeping easier. I am in school and love it. Work is crazy but it is nice to be able to keep up now.

This surgery is the best thing I ever did. I did not realize how much of my life had been sucked away. Now I can run and play and have fun without worrying about all that "stuff"

I am still working on a sex drive and poor DH but he is being understanding about it.

I have a grapefruit size cyst on my remaining ovary. If it does not go away on its own then I have to have it, and the ovary, removed.


This is so not fair. I am sick of these complications. I wish I would have did more of nothing instead of working from home after the first two weeks. I think I screwed something up by not taking care of ME.

Now I have a lifetime to deal with the issues I have caused myself. What the he11 was I thinking?

I am so tired. I was up all night last night due to the wind blowing and sounding like it was going to blow my house down.

I have developed a low grade fever and spent a while losing my dinner last night. One thing I learned, peppermint altoids and vomiting is a VERY bad combination.

I am happy I called the dr and will be getting in today. Hopefully this will be the last bump in my road. I don't think I can take another complication.

Since Saturday night I have been in severe (7/8:10) pain that I can only assume is from the lovely hemorrhagic cyst on my remaining ovary. I have no fever or nausea except when you touch that side of my body. I have pain meds left so I don't need those and I don't want the doctor to tell me my remaining ovary has to come out. I just cannot decide if I should wait it out or call the doctor.Last time I hurt this bad I was hospitalized for two days and I NEVER want to do that again...

So what would you do if you were me?

So knowing to was about time to start having sex with DH I decided to take a test run with a sterile toy. I think this will save me any issues with husband not fitting afterwards.
I learned I need to use a LOT of lube.
It was GREAT to have an orgasm again. It was different in the way I could "feel" more of it. I did not have cramps afterwards (WOOHOO) and no bleeding.

Now if I could get over the fact that while I am quite happy to "play alone in the sandbox" but don't want DH to touch me, I would be good to go...

Well, another week has gone by and I am doing better. I am still so very tired but such is life, eh?

Friday is my appointment annd I have a million questions to ask. I suppose I should start my list. I think my right ovary is on partial strike. I have been having skin issues, dryness issues, killer mood swings and insomnia.I have had a few horrible hot flashes but its mostly confined to night sweats. Let me tell you, an electric blanket and night sweats are not friends.

The good news is I start school again on 2/4. Hopefully I can finally make it through a semester without something happening! I will be learning Spanish to supplement my basic knowledge.

I can take two ambien and still be up 3 hours later?
When a person does not sleep they turn into a very evil person?
I can actually go two weeks on a grand total of... (and yes, I have been counting) 77 ghrs of sleep when I should have gotten around 120.
I am forgetting everything and have been getting NASTY headaches. Coffee does nothing for me anymore and I have stopped drinking all caffiene after noon.

Ah...and the journey continues

I have been having enough pain to require RX pain pills at some points in time. This is what happens.
The pain starts...
I put on heat to try to make it go away
The pain increases
I take 800 mg of advil.
The pain gets a little worse
I take 1/2 pain pill
The pain stablizes but does not go 100% away..

I meet with the doc Friday for my 6 week all clear appointment. I have a nice long list of questions for her about the surgery and everything after.

Oh yeah, I am also starting wellbutrin to try to not be a psychopath at home anymore. My DH is not being understanding and I personally cannot take it anymore. The bad thing about this....it causes.....INSOMNIA. Just what I need, right? Hey, maybe they will cancel each other out and I will be able to sleep again? I think I might go insane if I cannot start going more then 3 hours without waking up and taking another hour or two to get back to sleep.

I am debating sending this to a friend. Every since he got back together with his ex he has been a *****....I have already scratched him off the friend list but I don't know if I am willing to write him off completely...
What would you do?

Ever since Shawn and you got back together you have been completely ignoring me. I went through a major surgery and was freaking hospitalized and you did not even bother to call. If this is what being your friend is like then you can have your friendship back.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to tell me their story about being a woman who decided not to have a child. It is a wonderful thing to know that I am not the only person out here who did not feel the desire to breed.
All of this reminds me of a woman I used to work with. Right after I got married (I was in the middle of diagnosis and find out about needed a hsyt) she would harrass me about having a child. It was like she had made it her personal mission to change my mind on not having children. I finally snapped and explained to her that I could not physically have children and told her if she made one of her stupid baby comments one more time I was going to cry. She finally got the hint and stopped badgering me. It is horrible that it had to come to a lie (that not being able to have children made me sad) for her to respect my right to choose.

I am developing a serious complex about this phrase. I don't care if you mean it in a nice way. I don't care if you mean it in a derogatory, how dare you go through this, way. I am freaking sick of it.


I know I am not the normal age for this. I know I should not have to deal with a change of this magnitude. I know you think I should "go forth and multiply" but I can't. My reasons for this surgery are my own. You have no right to twist that little knife in even further each time you make that comment. I am not something to be pitied just because I am only xx years old.


Stop saying it. Do not pity me because I made the choice of my health over breeding. I never wanted kids in the first place. To be honest, I don't like them. They are loud and smelly and confuse me. I will adopt two children but will stand by my goal of never having to change a diaper. Never having to wake up at 3 am to feed a screaming infant.


Do not treat me like there is something wrong with me. I am a woman and I am strong but I just cannot take it anymore. Being young is not a curse; this surgery is not a curse. It may very well have saved my life.


Thank you and drive through

I really hope it is my ovary not "waking" up quickly that is causing the insomnia, brain fog, memory loss and severe mood swings. I did not fight two weeks ago to keep the little bastarrd if she is just going to fail on me.I don't like this at all. I am cranky and gaining weight and I forget EVERYTHING. It is horrible and I cannot take it anymore. I am going to talk to the doctor on 1/25 at my "6 week" check up. I hope things have either started to resolve or we can figure something out. I want my brain back dammit

Well, today is going a million times better then yesterday.
I am still tired and have this nagging pain but healing will do that to a gal.

I have offically started my diet. I will eat between 1100 to 1800 calories a day and will slowly start adding exercise into the mix.

Oh yeah,
My new best friend is the skinny latte from Starbucks. 160 calories for a VENTE. YUMMM. I can have good coffee without the guilt!

Is it over yet?

I am tired and don't want to play this game anymore.

Good News :
Got an rx for Lunesta...I hope this stuff works.

Bad News:
I have gained 10 lbs OVER the 13 I have lost so I have really somehow gained 23 lbs. ***. I guess I have not been as careful with my eating I I thought. Time to suck it up, put away all the bad stuff and get down to eating healthy again. I cannot wait till I can get on my rower again. Walking seems so useless to me when I am used to high intensity movement...Now I have 40 lbs to lose to hit a goal of 160 lbs. I am 5'8" so 160 is good, not skinny, cause skinny is GROSS but with enough curve to remind me I am a WOMAN.

Well,
Another day, another night of NO SLEEP.

I am going to my PCP to get some Ambian. I cannot take it anymore! I am sick of being exhausted. I even tried a pain pill and a anti-emetic, a combo that normally knocks me OUT, and I was wide awake until 1am.

Xanax does nothing.

I am not taking naps, in fact with being at work I am more active then I have been in a month.

Hopefully my wonderful PCP will give me the good stuff and I will get a few nights of sleep and reseet my bodies schedule back to pre-surgery sleep mode!

I sent this e-mail to my boss and now she is making me go part time until I "feel" better. No working from home, no doing half at the office or half at home. Just flat out, work part time. I called the doctor and asked for a note that allows me to work 6 hours because that seems to be all I can take before I get sick. Hopefully she is ok with that and my boss is ok with that...

I don’t know if it I am just doing too much but I feel really nasty. I have moved the training to 2:30 so that I can get it done today. XXXXXX will be helping me out by walking around the room to make sure people are on the correct screens and whatnot.
I would never ever have guessed that being here would take so much out of me. I am almost regretting not spending more time at home but I felt like I was neglecting my job and I had to come back. I don’t know if I will make a full 8 hrs today but if I do leave, I will take my PC home and finish the day from there...

Well, a few hours after my last entry DH made me go to the ER as the pain had become unbearable. They thought it was an abcess and had me admitted to the hospital my Dr has privilages at. I then spent the next 12 hrs without any pain medication. The nurses were beyond busy and just kept "forgetting" about me. When the doctor finally came in he decided to send me for a CT guided biopsy of the abcess and got me a pain pump. When I went to the CT thing, the radiologist decided it was a hemorragic cyst instead of an abcess. I then spent that night and most of the next morning on pain medication and had really strong anti-biotics put in IV. I had never been happier then when my doc let me go home new years day.

Since then I have been doing alright.

• One little cut has not healed and is infected. How the hell can anything be infected after massive antibiotics have been pushed through me, I don't know.
• I went back to work 1/7. That lasted all of 5 hours before I got VERY sick and then at the 6 hr mark, I went home.
• Now I am sore and dizzy and wish I was at home but cannot afford to take any more time off. I have to do a training class at 3:30 and thankfully the person "assisting" me has gone through this mess and is willing to lend a hand with the walking and stuff.
• My skin is SO dry. I have my right ovary so I am assuming it is winter but stilll......

Let all hope things keep getting better. I don't think my poor little brain could handle another setback like the ones I have had.

But I am doing ok for the most part.

I am hoping (well, not really) to return to work Wendesday 1/2/08 but am not sure how that will go. I still get tired really easy and have a lot of pain the day after I am active an any way. Yesterday I spent about 4 hours out shopping and then took a 1/2 mile walk and am back to the heating pad and percocet today. I really really hope that work will not cause this to happen. I just cannot afford to miss any more time.

I am still having large chunks of flesh as a discharge. I went to see the Dr (mine was out so I saw another doc in the practice) and she was stumped. She took a sample and looked in the microscope and said there was no infection. I do have a UTI though (yucky) I see my normal doc on Friday 1/4/08 so hopefully she will know what it is and say that it is ok to go back to work (I have been working from home since 12/24)

Ah, I cannot wait to have my life fully back. I am feeling a million times better then before but I know I have a long way left to go.

Tuesday 12/11

Everything went well. Got to the castle, Dr asked me again if I wanted this, realized that I REALLY did. Got my happy juice and last thing I remember was looking at the sleep dr and asking what he just gave me because I felt funny...
I wake up in horrible pain in my bladder. They call the dr, change my RX for pain meds and that fixes things. When I get back to my room I was asking for DH. No one would contact him so I used my room phone to tell him where I was at. He comes and helps me get settled and then the vomiting starts. The nurse basically tells me "to bad, there is nothing we can do" so I started eating the ginger I had brought from home and that helps.

Night of/day one
I am stuck in the MSRA ward for some really stupid reason. The person across from me and the person next to me had it. Just freaking lovely..right?
Anyways, my nurses are running crazy trying to keep the other patients calm so my needs are left to my own devices. All I got was shown how to unhook myself so that I could start walking the halls at 2am.(when my PCA was also disconnected) As soon as I stand to start walking I start vomiting violently again. This time someone gets the dr on the phone and gets me something for it, Well, once I am able to walk I no longer get any care. Apparently if you are able to get it on your own, they feel you should! Now this just honkerblonkes me off. Goddess only knows how much I will be paying for that room and those "services" and I had to get my own juice and fill my own ice packs..***..
I am finally able to "pee" on my own, not that anyone was watching and then got yelled at because I did not save it...HELLO no one told me to...anyways.
At about 11am 12/12 I am released and sent home. I am sooo happy to be home. I spend the rest of the day feeling really sick, hurting and sleeping. The gas pains are killing me. They hurt worse then the surgery itself. My neck muscles are spasming and it takes flexeril to get them to stop!

Day two - Thursday
I don't really sleep more then 1 or 2 hrs at a time. Dam gas bubbles but when I do wake I wake to a fever of 102. Call the doc and was told to come in to see here. Well, she is called to emergancy surgery so they only do a blood draw and send me home with a Z-Pack. I have a nasty lung/sinus thing starting so I hope that is what is wrong and let it go. I spend most of the day sleeping and feeling really ill. I still have not ate other then a few crackers. All food tastes rotten to me. Gas pain still killing me.I am thankful to have pain pills as life would be hell without them

Day Three - Friday
I wake up sore and with a lot of gas pains. Assuming it was my bodies need to poo I drink a glass of miralax. Well, I then spend the rest of the day with horrible gas pains and this nasty stuff leaking out me bum. I get a gas bubble stuck in my diaphram and debate the ER. After the advice from a nurse I lay on my back raise my botten and then use my hands to push it out of its hiding spot. This hurt like hades but it worked so I am able to breathe again. My walks have gotten longer and more frequent. I am able to sleep on my side again and only wake up once this night. Sweeet.

Day Four - Saturday
Oh my, the pain was so bad I thought I was going to die (or it was wishful thinking) I barely make it to the loo before my bum explodes with plastic particles and the 1/4 cup of mashed potato's I managed to eat the night before. I spend a good 45 minutes praying that it ends and end up taking my first double dose of pain meds. Wow did that make me high...wooo...
I tried to make myself eat but it did not work so I got some ensure (eww) and have started drinking that. Hopefully in a day or two I start feeling a lot better and get back on the path to life.

Finally...

Anyways.

My horoscope for tomorrow. Dam this guy is good...

A common sense approach combined with a steady hand can win you admiration today. Others see you as a force to be reckoned with now, but you must play the part to reap the benefits. Stay focused, even if your imagination calls. There's no advantage to be gained by floating off

Still nothing.

At least the nasty pukey feeling is gone.

On another note, I have drank almost 64 oz of gatorade since doing the poo juice shot. It looks like this stuff sucks you dry...

All the poo joice has done is made me wanna throw up. Even ginger is not helping right now and it ALWAYS helps me. Now I am just hoping that when I finally poo this horrible feeling in my tummy goes away. I cannot believe I have to take another 1.5 ounces of that crap.

I just did my shot of poo juice. Suprisingly, it did not taste bad at all. I got on flavored and one flavorless. I might as well compare while I am doing this!

I have already had the upset tummy today so I don't think there is much left in me but looks like I will find out soon! I don't like being chained to my house for the rest of the day but such is life.

My last meal was rye bread and butter. YUMMY...

Now lets see how this goes.

It is amazing how much more your willing to throw away when your doing a pre-life changing event cleaning! All those stupid little things that seemed so important no longer are and it is easier to simplify.

I have also made sure all the bills for the next month are paid because DH would be SOL if he had to try to keep track of and do them all.

Hope everyone is having a good, non panicky Saturday....

Love,
Sarrah

~~~~You may daydream of escaping the humdrum existence. Your imaginative wanderings can point you in the right direction and lead you to successfully break out of your current boredom. Your routines will likely change for the better no matter what you do now. Don't force any issues because you could alienate others. Instead, just set your course and take the first steps of your journey today. ~~~~

So I feel asleep at 7pm last night. It was nice.
How I just have to make it through the last day at work. T.O.M's last visit is starting as I type and I hope the boss lets me leave when he starts to get into full swing.

I slept nearly 12 hours last night. How can I be so darn tired right now? I cannot think of anything better then getting home and going to bed. Grrr. DH isn't going to understand why I am in bed when he gets home tonight but I guess thats his problem.

I am pretty sure I am leaving work early today. I don't think I will be able to do another 2.5 hrs. My boss has not given me anything to do all week so I have been spending a lot of time playing around and I am not really comfortable with that.

Well, I have 10 working hours left before I leave and I am 100% caught up and then some so that is a lot less stress on my brain.

Well, it all started in 7th grade and I got my first visit from Aunt Flo. Apparently I passed out because I remember being in gym and then waking in the nurse’s office covered in blood. Well as the years progress I proceed to pass out 4 more times from the pain. Once at home, once walking down the road, and two more times at school. One would think I would get a clue something is not “right” but I just kept on. Well after the last passout at school (age 16) my mom dragged me to the Dr and I was put on Depo Provera and I stayed on that until 20. While I Depo I had bloodless periods but kept the horrible cramps. At 21 I decided Depo was bad for my body and took myself off it. BAD IDEA. 6 months later I go back on the shot and hope the horrid pain and bleeding would stop. This time I had no such luck. I started losing my hair, gaining weight like a newborn and kept right on with the periods. I decided to go back off it and try other methods of BC. Around this time I receive my 3 or 4th ACSUS pap. The doctors keep up with their wait and see approach and I go on with having a hard time with periods. At 22 ½ I am finally told I need a biopsy so I go and get that done. This was the single most painful experience of my life. The doctor was brutal with me. She was more then 2 hrs late and expected me to tell her about my problems while she was digging at me. These results come back clean and I go about life

At 23 I have an IUD inserted. This just makes the pain and bleeding go from 3 weeks a month to full time. At this time my PAPS turn “bad” again and I am supposed to have a colpo/biopsy done. That does not happen for quite some time. Now back to the IUD. I end up having it removed and having a laparoscopy, D&C and hysteroscopy done to find the source of the pain since it did not stop when the IUD was removed. , the DC must have really upset the evil uterus and the pain just got worse after that period. I keep going about life knowing I need the colpo and I schedule it twice and unable to not panic when I reach the end of the stirrups. In this time my periods become more and more erratic and painful. I have gone from bad pain but able to work to missing 2-3 days every 3 weeks.

3 opinions later I find an amazing doctor who is willing to work with me on these issues. After trying multiple BCP’s I find one that seems to work. I am on this for 6 months when two things happen. First my body rejects the pills I start getting sicker and sicker. I am nauseas as the time and really suffering. The second is my doctor tells me she will not refill my RX until I get the biopsy done. I schedule a day for me to have it done under GA and go about life. This day comes and goes with little fan fair and I go in on 10/26/2007 for my results and to discuss the alien that is found on my left ovary (a mass 7.9 x 6.4 x 3.9) and the next steps in controlling my periods.

This is where life changes.

The doctor tells me that the biopsy came back CIS (Carcinoma in Situ) but it had clear margins so she got it all. She then proceeds to go over our recent attempts to evict Aunt Flo and realized we are out of options. I already have to have another surgery to remove “Stitch” and she suggests a hysterectomy. I ask for another type of BCP and walk out in shock. Well, that weekend I decide its time for it to go. I deserve to live a healthy happy life. I called the doctor and started the process to get it taken care of...

I have started crying and cannot stop. I know a few days ago I would have loved a good cry but right now I am at work and that makes it way to hard to just let it all out. Luckily I can sit at my computer and let the tears fall and no one can see my face. Hopefully I can get this under control soon so I can go about my day.



On another note.. I watched the surgery online and it was freaking cool. I am quiet happy I am out cold for this one though. I have found pictures of the position I will be placed in for the duration and I am hoping it is a VERY quick surgery because I can only imagine the headache this will cause. Apparently, they pad and tape you down so you do not fall off the table. If you look up the steep Trendelenburg position you will see a picture of how I will be placed.




My only other major worry is waking up TAH instead of with 4-5 neat little cuts. I really don’t want a scar and the pouch that comes with it but if it does happen that means this surgery was justified because the doctor found something (major fear is this being for nothing)

I am still not freaking out. I am even toying with thoughts of getting a spinal and asking with watch what they will be doing. This is such a dramatic change from just 24 hrs ago. Tomorrow is pre-op so we will see if this calm lasts or it is just the calm before the storm. I hope the last 7 days I have left are peaceful and I don’t react like I did to my wedding (THAT was scary.) am now looking at things with humor. Either that means I have come to terms and peace or I have snapped. DH would say the latter!

The dreams – Oh my god, I am having the freakiest dreams as of late. Last nights epic was about me sitting it the waiting room all day because they lost my paper work and then when the doc came he was a raging @#$@# and told me I would have to have a TAH because they overbooked. The other one that keeps happening is the one about the man attacking me. He wants to kill me but I seem to find a way to just barely hide before I wake up in a cold sweat.



Also, to make this a matter of public record:



If I die, cremate me and spread me over the Coba ruins and the funeral had better not be religious. Get a good caterer, a good DJ and rejoice in my life, don’t mourn my death. (and make sure to call the cops before you tell Chris, he won’t take it well and will need to be HEAVILY drugged!)

If I become a veggie PULL THE PLUG

Donate/use any organs you can. Please use my life to save another life if possible.

Morbid, yes. Necessary, most definitively

Well, just to make a note of it.

Right now I am not afraid. I try to work up the panic (thinking this clear headedness is a fluke) but I cannot pinpoint the source of my fear so hopefully when I am freaking out and ready to cancel I can remember that I have moments where I am not afraid.

I am so cranky and mean and I cannot make it stop. I hear these horrible and mean things coming out of my mouth and I cannot stop it. What demon has taken over my brain? I am normally a very kind, polite person. I wish I knew how to make it stop. My irritation levels are off the charts. Maybe it is time for another Xanax? Hopefully that will keep me from getting fired or shot! I think I am going to rely on those little orange pills. Maybe there is a reason for the doctor giving me 90 of them!

Well I had a nice long panic over the weekend. I am looking for a good reason to cancel (cause I am a giant CHICKEN) and while I can rationalize a million of them to myself, no one else seems to be buying it. I have made a list of pro-con and I have more reasons to do it then not but still….
I wish I could cry, I think I would feel a million times better but for some reason I just cannot let go. I feel those sobs deep in my chest, I just don’t know how to let them loose. My poor DH asked me to make sure I cry when he is not home. He said he would have to make funny comments to make me feel better and that would not be good for me because I need to let it all out.

I have 4 ½ days of work left and I am not sure how much I will be getting done! My brain is 1000 miles from where it should be. At least I have Xanax to take at home at night so I can sleep!

Every time I have a painful cramp or start spotting, I act like it’s a new insult and am confused as to why it’s happening. It starts as a little backache and slowly wraps its painful grip around my pelvic area. Each time I hope it stops and the dread T.O.M is not back and sometimes, I am lucky and the pain goes away as if nothing else had happened but those other times I am left muttering to myself about having cramps again. It is almost a ritual indignation I go through and I think I might miss it. Isn’t that screwed up? I am worried about missing my pain when up until the doc said a hysterectomy was needed; I wanted it gone so very badly. I think perhaps my crazy hat in on backwards or something.

I think I want to leave work early and I would love to use the cramps as an excuse but unless they are hitting a 7 or an 8, I don’t. I have a screwed up though process that I should suffer as much as possible before doing something about it. As if I do not deserve relief because what if my pain is not as bad as others? What if I am lying to myself about it being bad?

Strange thought - What am I going to do with myself when I can actually work without missing time nearly every week? Can I handle a 40 hr a week job?

I cannot stop thinking about this upcoming surgery. I am having issues working because my brain seems to be able to equate everything with the **** hyster. I wish I knew why I was so scared and I wish I could make it stop. My chest hurts and I feel like crying but I cannot do that. My poor husband is sick of hearing about it. My mom tells me to get over it and my shrink is under the impression that everything is going to be ok. Well I do not feel ok today dammit. I am scare, I am lonely, and I do not know what to do. I want to cancel the surgery but I know I cannot. I have backed myself into a corner and there is no way out. Maybe this will end up like my wedding and I will drug myself into complacency with xanax.

I cannot believe that I have always wanted to get rid of the painful, evil uterus and now that the time has come, I seem to be changing my mind. I have the crazy idea that I can deal with the pain, the bleeding, the precancerous conditions and the effect this all has on my life.

I do not know exactly what scares me so much but the fear of the pain post op is enough to send my heart racing over the edge. I have always had issues with pain. While I have a very high tolerance, (at least I think I do) I cannot put myself in a painful position. I went over a year with an undiagnosed PAP because I had a previous biopsy that was too painful to bear again. My anxiety to pain is abnormal. I would call it a phobia in the true meaning of the word. If it is going to hurt, I will not do it, even if it affects my health. I went from ASCUS to CIS because of my phobia.

The other fears are much more normal in design. I am afraid of death on the table, of waking and feeling the surgery, of having life long complications and worst of all of this being for nothing. That when they do pathology they will discover nothing was wrong. I am afraid of the chest pain’s I have been having. I have had an EKC, Echocardiogram and a Holtor monitor, which have come back with some simple Sinus tachycardia and nothing else. Logically I know my heart is ok. I am 25 and an ex-smoker. My cholesterol is 189 so not deadly but not good. I am not much of an exercise person but can row 5000 meters and not die.

Somewhere in my crazy little head I wish the insurance would deny the surgery so I would have an easy out or maybe my pre-op will keep me from having it. These seem like simple solutions to a complex (if imagined) problem.