Well, it has been one year since I lost any weight so I am ending my Journal. I am not giving up on this weight loss quest but I feel at this point there is nothing more to say. I will still go to Curves, walk when I can and keep eating healthily. I will still post on the BEST board here with the hopes that some day soon I may get out of the 180's and beyond. My initial goal was 138 but at this point I would settle for 160.........a number my doctor would be satisfied with. I am still on the Lexapro but every 4 days now and it hasn't seem to made a difference so I have comme to the conclusion that my body likes it here. So unless I go to extremems I will just go on with a positive attitude that I did lose some weight which I never thought I would be able to do. I feel great, have more stamina and my clothes fit better. I may never look like Oprah but I am 100% better than I was 2 years ago. And that ladies is an accomplishment for me! Take care all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday's Oprah show was about finding the right bra size and the right pair of jeans. I found out that I need to go down a size(not cup size) in my bra because my back strap keeps rising up my back. I noticed this awhile ago and now I know why. The part that is crazy is that whenever I have gained weight before, it always seemed to show up in my boobs first. And since I have not lost any weight in almost a year, I cannot understand why I have gone DOWN a size at this time. Go figure! Hey, I am not complaining, I am just confused. I guess my excess weight is being re-distributed somehow. I just wish it would re-distribute itself OFF of my body for good.

It's almost a year now since my neighbor and friend left me high and dry as my Curves buddy. As I journaled then, she just decided on the spur of the moment to stop going because she claims she couldn't afford it any more. Unfortunately, she did have to pay a $50 fee for a buyout of her contract. I was upset then but I got over it! Now we still do walk almost daily and don't get me wrong, I consider her my close friend but there are times she drives me nuts as I have said here many times before.
Now, she and another friend of hers checked out a new exercise place that just opened up in our town. It is called "Butterfly" and is alot like Curves and costs about the same. There are some differences but with her body and weight, it will not benefit her any more than sticking with Curves. Of course, now she is going to join this gym with her friend in January to try it out. I wonder how long this will last? I was upset when she first told me about it today but hubby said he feels it won't come to fruition. You see, she is a person who gets gung-** about something for awhile and then bows out when the novelty wears out. So, whereas I am not MAD at her, she just frustrates me so.............I just miss the old days when we went to Curves together, that's all!

........my DD got married. I cannot believe that much time has gone by so fast. I was 5 pounds thinner then and suffering from IBS. I also thought I would be at my goal weight of 138 by this time, too. I guess I am destined to be around 190 because no matter what I do I cannot get below 184. As I said before, this is what I weighed years ago and I guess my body likes it here. At least I am more fit than years ago and down a size or two since then so some progress has been made.
Also, my Curves finally went computerized and we all have our own code key. It is cool when you sign in now. You put your little key under the light and the computer welcomes you and tells you if it is your weigh in day or gives you a personal message if need be. That is so neatl! Speaking of weigh-ins, my day is Wed. but I think I will skip it. I know there is no big change so why waste anyone's time. Maybe next month *sigh*..........

I really don't know what to do now. I am staying the same weight wise and still walking as much as possible and doing Curves 3 x a week. I eat roughtly 1500 calories a day, have changed my eating patterns and habits immensely and still I cannot lose any more weight. I only have abut 50 more to lose but would sette for 25 to 30. I have decreased my Lexapro as well, so what is a person supposed to do???? I cannot think of anything else to step up this metabolism so the pounds come off. And now the winter is coming and you know, we all store fat to keep warm. I feel like I am on a merry-go-round and cannot get off. I just wish I knew how other people meet their goals. I know it is not easy but I AM trying. How come I could lose 50 pretty easily and then just STOP! I just wish I had some answers..............

Thanks to Tennile's response in my last entry concerning weight gain on Lexapro and Jeannete's confirmation, I really researched this morning. I found out that weight gain is not a major side affect of Lexapro, but it does happen for some people. In the beginning, it actually suppresses your appetite but in the months afterwards, it contributes to carb cravings, slows down your metabolism and thus you gain weight. I KNEW it! That is the main reason most people go off of anti-depressants and SSRI's.............weight gain! Now I know why I can't get my heart rate up high enough when I exercise at Curves. It all makes sense to me now.
I have been taking one pill every other day and my doctor wanted to wait a little longer before I try and wean myself off. Well, I am going to start taking one pill every 3 days for awhile and then ask him in Jan. at my next appt. if i can PLEASDE go off of it for good. Of course, by then all my work will be for nothing if I gain any more weight back. Oh, how I wish I weren't so fat and I did not have IBS!

On Friday, it was 2 years since I joined Curves. Whereas I am celebrating my commitment to exercising, I am so bummed because today I decided to get weighed and measured. I have not done so since June and in that 3 months, I not only gained 5 pounds but I gained close to 5 inches. I am back to where I was almost a year ago. I cannot for the life of me figure out what is wrong. I know I have not been as vigilant in my calorie counting as I should be but I still go to Curves faithfully 3 times a week and walk whenever I can. To make matters worse, I am going on vacation next week and you know how that goes. I am so bummed!
On a brighter note, I did have a good doctor's visit last week. My BP was 120/80 which is fantastic for me. Even though I really didn't lose any weight my doctor is happy with my lifestyle improvements especially the exercising. He is an exercise nut so this made him happy. He stills say the Lexapro has nothing to do with weight gain but after tonight I beg to differ with him . I think it must be slowing down my metabolism. I lost weight before taking iot without even trying sometimes so you figure it out. Does anyone know if Lexapro stops weight loss?
I also decided to return to the BEST board after a brief hiatus. I need them to ge tme through these very frustrating times. I thought by now I could have ended my Journal with a final note on a goal accomplished but I guess I am here to stay for a long time...........

After thinking about it for a brief second, I decided to sign another contract at Curves today. Starting Sept. 9th I will be heading into my 3rd year there. I cannot believe how much time has passed and that I am still comitted to exercising. Who would have thunk it a few years ago? I HATED exercising!!!!!! But when you find what works for you, you stick with it. I enjoy it and will probably stick around there for many years to come.
I also have recomitted myself to a lower calorie diet to see if that makes any difference in getting off my plateau. Before I was eating around 1500 calories and now I am sticking to around 1200 calories. It was tough the first day or two but last night I wasn't even hungry for my evening snack. So we will se how this goes. I would love to be below my last lowest weight of 184.2 by my birthday on the 17th of Sept.

Yesterday was my day to get weighed and measured at Curves. I chickened out. Then I was going to do it today and whem I weighed myself at home, I decided against it again. I highly doubt that I lost any inches when I haven't lost any more weight. I still hover between 184 and 189.
Today I got strict with myself and am really watching my carbs. I want to see if that does anything. I do have to renew my contract with Curves in Sept. so maybe I will check the ole stats then as a new start for a new year. I cannot believe it will be 2 years since I started my weight loss quest. Where has the time gone? I hope I can celebrate it with a weight loss for a change. Seems like an eternity since the scale went down...........

I was thinking today about Lexapro and how it seems to have hindered my weight loss. I went on it back in Nov. for my IBS and coincidently that is when I stopped losing weight. When I mentioned this fact to my doctor a few weeks later he said No! but told me to start taking it every other day. Hmmmm! Well, still no significant weight loss.
Today I was talking to my old Curves buddy and she started Lexapro about six weeks ago and told me she gained 5 pounds since she has been on it. Boy, is she upset over this! So now I am definitaly thinking this may be the probelm so I am going press my doctor about it when I see him in Sept. I wanna wean myself off of it anyway and then maybe, just maybe I will go back to losing some weight. Still 50 pounds to go!

..........and I hate having to watch what I eat for the rest of my life. It gets old and I am tired. I was syupposed to get weighed and measured at Curves today but I put it off. I haven't been very good lately so I knew it would be a waste of time to see my plateau and then some stare me in the face. It is almost 2 years now and I am so disappointed I did not make my goal of 100 pounds lost. I thought by now I would be sailing along in a size 12 and patting my self on the back for a job well done. Then I saw a lady on TV today that lost 35 pounds in 3 months. Ack! How did she do it?. It took me a year to lose 50! And the frustration goes on...........
But I must go on and keep doing what I can to stay healthy and feel good. I do have more stamina so that is a plus. I just want to be thinner. Even 30 pounds more off this body would be ok with me. It is so hard and so tedious. Sometimes I have to watch myself closely because I could easily pig out for days and find myself back at 240 pounds. So it is an ongoing thing and I hate being fat and having to watch what I eat. *sigh* It gets old and I am tired!!!!!

Today I feel like worrying about my weight loss plateau is so foolish considering what has happened in London this morning. It brought back such memories of that dreadful day in Sept. of 01. I was on a plane heading to Hawaii to visit my DD who was working there. We were to celebrate my birthday and 25 th wedding anniversary in Honolulu. Of course, we never took off. I remember the panic I felt as I tried to get in touch with my other family members. I still get weird feelings when I think about it. Now there is a higher alert for all mass transit in the country. Needless to say, my DS rides the trains in Philly daily to get to and from his job. Talk about stress and wanting to eat and eat and eat.
This terror thing has got to stop. Why would people who claim to be working in the name of God, kill innocent people and send panic throughout the world. What kind of God would want that? I pray for all of those people who have died or were injured. I ask God to keep our people in the US safe from further attacks. And I ask God to put my life in a better perspectivce than just worrying about what the scale says today...............

Yep, that's what I lost at my weigh-in tonight at Curves. It is 6 months now that I have been on my plateau and I don't know how much longer I can put up with it. I couldn't fall asleep the other night and began thinking about my plateau. I realized that this is the weight I was for many years before I ballooned out over the past few years. Maybe my body likes it in the 180's and wants to stay there forever no matter what I eat or how much I exercise. So be it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel good, my BP is down and I look better in my clothes. What else can I do except keep trying and trying and trying..............

Tonight I went to get my hair cut and highlighted. My hairdresser's shop is located in the same building as a health club. The owner of the club was there getting his hair cut right before me. He was talking about his gym and how he needs x amount of clients to keep it afloat amd how the population in our area is not condusive to makking money, blah, blah, blah. I kidded with him that if he wanted to make money he should have opened up a Curves as that is the second most popular franchise in the country next to McDonald's. He looked at me and said "Curves, what a joke that is! It's fine if that is what you want but that is no place to get a good workout"! I wanted to scream at him but I kept my cool. I actually didn't know what to say as I could see he had a "real" attitude. I turned to my hubby(he was getting his haircut as well) and said quietly, " I bet the owner of my Curves is laughing all the way to the bank!" Can you believe how rude and unsupportive some people can be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wouldn't join his gym if he paid me! I can't wait to tell the gals at Curves this little story!

Week 4...........I am back up to 188. Can you believe it? I am ready to give up.........not on loosing weight but this whole diet thing. I have 1 week to go with Jorge Cruise's diet plan and by now should have lost 6 pounds and so far I am still going up and down and up and down just like I was before I started it. So I give up on all the diet fads and buying books from so called diet gurus and I am going with my idea of turning to God for help. I have been driving myself crazy worrying about scales and calories and diets. I am going to continue to eat healthily, go to Curves and walk and the h**l with what the scale says. Of course, I will monitor it some as I don't want to go beyond 190 but I am not making it a priority any more. I just can't! I have learned what to do and how to stay healthy so I am just going to do it. I will ask God to guide me and give me the strength to be good and not lose sight of my goals. I do feel like a partial failure as I met only half of my goal. But I have come a far way from how I used to be only some 18 months ago. I will report back here in my Journal only when I get weighed in at Curves or when I have something really important to post. I probably will end this journey in September when it will be 2 years since I began. But until then I will continue to update things but not as frequently as before. I should be back here around the 10th of June unless I discover some new breakthrough and get off this plateau. LOL! I will still post on BEST although that has become less supportive as many of the old gals have left and the others seem to be in the same boat as me. I need to get a new life and not surround myself with "food" worries all of the time. My brain is sooooooo tired of that!

Week 3...........no weight loss. I had a feeling this 3 hour diet is not going to do the trick even though I was hopeful back on Tuesday. I will keep doing it for the recommended 28 days which ends on the 29th but after that I may change my attitude completely. I may just give up on diet plans and turn my frustrations toward a new approach..............God! Yes, I said God. I will put my weight loss issues in His hands. After all, I learned how to eat healthier and lost 56 pounds, 33 1/2 inches and feel better than ever. How can you be upset over this? I still do want to lose at least 30 more pounds but maybe prayer along with exercise and healthy eating will do the trick. I will forget about scales and measurements because dwelling on it has caused me such grief. I should be enjoying my new found life style instead of worrying all the time if the numbers on the scale are gonna go down. I know it sounds crazy but I just don't know what else to do any more. I am at a loss. A friend of mine from the BEST board had gastric bypass surgery and I thought she had it made. She started out a year ago before the surgery weighing more than me and I figured by now she would be at her goal weight. Well, guess what???????? Even with this surgery she is still struggling like me to get out of the 180's, so I am not alone. She should be having an easy time of it and yet she struggles and is frustrated just like me. So I figure that God knows what he is doing and I am gonna let Him do it! Maybe I'll never get to 138 but no one can ever say I haven't tried. I am still commited but I need the help of a higher power now more than ever. He knows me and what is good for me and if 185 or 162 or 138 is what He wants, then so be it!

Weight 185.....lost 3 pounds but still 1 pound over my last lowest weight back in Dec. I did manage to lose 3/4 of an inch which was a big improvement since I haven't lost anything in 3 months. I was especially happy that a 1/2 inch came off of my waist, the area where I need to lose the most. Looks like the new eating plan is working somewhat although I am not getting too excited until I see what happens next month at my weigh-in. If I lose again then I really know I am off my plateau.
I am doing well eating every 3 hours and I am rarely hungry. I do have a problem on weekends when my schedule is different. I just hope all the successes I have during the week aren't being sabotaged by my weekends. I must try and be more faithful to my eating times and try and NOT have a goodie or two. I am still walking as well. I will report back in on Sundays for now until my next weigh-in at Curves. That's when I will decide my next move if I have to.

Weigh in: 188(up 2 pounds from a few days ago), probably water weight as I fluctuate all the time.

Eating plan: (1500 calories a day

Breakfast 8:30 AM 400 calories
Lunch 11:30 AM 400 calories
Snack 2:30 PM 150 calories
Dinner 5:30 PM 400 calories
Snack 8:30 PM 150 calories.

You must eat within 1 hour of arising and no later than 3 hours before bedtime. I awake around 8 and go to bed around 11:30!

He believes in visualizing to ward of any munchies. Today's visualizing is to picture yourself in a sexy outfit with the feel of the material against your new body. Only surgery can give me the sexy body I want.

I will post my weekly weigh-ins every Sunday except when I have my weigh-ins at Curves which is usually around the 10th of the month. I hope to be at 179 by the middle of next month. I will plan much harder my meals for each day and I will especially watch my portions. I do go on fitday.com to detemine calories. You'd be surprised how you can mis-judge the calorie total of something. Believe me! I would think something is about 2-300 calories and find out it is more like 4-500 caloresi. It's amazing! Ok. I am off to start my day. See ya next Sunday........oops more like Monday or Tuesday as that is my weigh- in day at Curves. Still walking as well!

I just looked back at the beginning of my journal and noticed that tomorrow it will be one full year of jounaling my weight loss quest. I really thought by now I would have ended it by meeting my goal of 138. What a joke! When I started this journal I had already lost 33 pounds and 20 inches............well at one year later I am not much further.........I have lost 56 pounds and 33 inches. This plateau is killing all of my dreams of slimdom! When I see commercials on TV for weight loss plans and they say "I lost 100 pounds in a year" I want to scream. Try 50 plus pounds in 18 months. Not very impressive!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am starting Jorge Cruise's 3 Hour Diet on Sunday, May 1st. I am hoping this plan will push me off of my plateau for good. Last night at Curves, the owner was sympathizing with me big time on my 5 month hiatus with the scales not going down. I will post my starting weight on Sunday and then record it here every week for about a month or so. I am still going to Curves 3 times a week and walking at least 30 minutes a day 5 days a week so excercise is no problem. Then it must be the eating! If I do not show some progress in weight loss, I may end my Jounal for good. Who wants to see failure in print!!!!!!!!!

Yes, today is my 4 year hysterversary! I spent it going to the doctor's for my regular check-up. My bloodwork was perfect so my thyroid is not an issue. I did ask the doctor if the Lexapro could possibly be slowing down my weight loss. He said alot of the anti-depressants do cause weight gain but because I am exercising and watching what I eat, I did not gain but just remained the same. He does not think I should do Phase 3 of the Curves diet. He is afraid I will gain that so-called 3 pounds and then not be able to lose them and then be stuck there instead of 3 pounds less. I agree! So for now I am going to wean myself off of the Lexapro and see what happens by my next appt. in July. I will still eat every 3 hours, 1500 calories and go to Curves and walk as well. I feel good and maybe just maybe I will bust off of this plateau before long. I did order Jorge Cruise's book, The Three Hour Diet. I can't wait to see what tips he gives for someone stuck on a plateau.

Well, today was my April weigh-in at Curves and like last month I lost NOTHING! I am so distraught over this! I asked the instructor who measured me what can I do to get off this plateau. I have been on it since December. She says my body is acting like I am on maintenance so I need to up my metabolism. Since I have been walking about 5 days a week now and still going to Curves 3 times a week, she feels my exercise routine is fine. What she does say I need to do is Phase 3 of the Curves diet plan . I must eat between 2 and 3,000 calories a day until I gain 3 pounds. Then I must drop down to 1200 calories a day for 72 hours to see if I lose the 3 pounds. If I do that, it means my body was fooled and is now back in the losing mode. I should then continue my 1 to 2 pound a week loss. It sounds like a plan but before I do it I would like to discuss some issues with my doctor next week. I had bloodwork drawn which included thyroid studies. I am also on Lexapro and ready to be weaned off of it. I want to know from him if that could cause a shutdown in weight loss. It seems logical that it might have since my slowdown began right after I started taking it in Nov. After I hear what solutions he has, I will do this eating plan that was suggested tonight. I will keep Journal entries of just what I am going to do. Something has got to give! I thought I would have been at my goal weight long before now. Why is this so hard?????

I am still at 186 pounds but I am trying a new diet. I don't remember the guys name but the diet is called the 3 hour diet. You eat 1500 calories total in the day and eat every three hours exactly. Never wait more than an hour after you get up to eat breakfast and refrain from eating for 2 hours before you go to bed. For some reason or other this is working for me and I am not hungry in between. It is still kinda like I was eating but the time frame makes it easy to follow. The emphasis is mainly on protein and veggies and fruits along with good carbs and low fats. He even suggests treating yourself with chocolate as part of one of your meals. I saw him on Good Morning America and they have 2 women who are following his plan who they are going to track for awhile to see how much weigh they lose along with exercise. I cannot wait to see how they do.

I am also walking more now that weather is nice. Before, I used to only walk on the days I didn't go to Curves. But now, if it's decent weather I am walking no matter if it is a Curves day or not. On Thursday, I walked nearly 2 miles and went to Curves later in the day. Boy, was I tired and sore but in the end it felt good. I will do anything to get myself off of this almost 6 month plateau!

Just an entry to wish all of you who follow my Journal a very blessed and happy Easter!!!!!

I will post again in a few days to catch everyone up on where I am weight wise and sanity wise. For now, I am going to celebrate the holiday with happinees and mindfulness in the eating department. After all, I only get to eat these ethnic foods once a year so I want to take advantage of that. I took the time to prepare them, I should get a chance to enjoy them. Looking forward to nicer weather so I can get outside more and walk, the time change for more sunshine in the day and tax season to be over with so DH can take walks with me in the evenings.

Today was my weigh-in at Curves. I knew I hadn't lost any weight but I was sure I had lost inches. NOT! For the first time since I have been going to Curves, I did not lose a thing! Talk about a plateau! How can that be???? I have averaged losing 2 inches a month and now nothing???? The thing is that now that my buddy doesn't go to Curves with me any more, I find I concentrate on the machines more. Before I would gab and not pay attention to my workout. Now I push myself very hard and try to get my heart rate up and what happens......I don't lose a thing. How can this be? Before I just cruised along and lost plenty of inches and now I work really hard and get no rewards for it. I just don't know what to do any more and I am beyond frustrated! I don't know where to turn for answers........I still have 50 pounds to lose and at this rate I will be dead before I even come close to my goal weight.

Now this weekend I am going to VA to visit my DD and her hubby. It is her 27th birthday on Sat and we are going to celebrate. I am going to relax and eat and not think about this weight stuff. I am going to enjoy myself! Then on Monday, I will get back on my plan and maybe reduce my calories from 1500 to 1200 and exercise in some form or other every day. If this doesn't work, then I GIVE UP!

Yep, I'm still here and not any further along. The scale still says 186. I've grown to hate that number. Even the owner of my Curves is upset for me because I can't seem to lose any more weight. She has been giving me advice and suggestions but most of them I have tried already. I still think it is because of the winter and maybe even the Lexapro that I am on. Thank God I will be weaning myself off of it after my next Doc appt. in April. Then it will be sunny and warm and I can go for long walks with my hubby. If that doesn't work then I guess I will half to be content with being 186!
Another thing...........I am so disgusted with the media, fad diets and all of those exercise do hickey machines. One day they say eat this to lose weight, the next day they say don't eat that. Join this group, eat this way. Then it's try this machine.....it really works. Bull! I say eat sensibly and exercise daily. You don't need fad diets(although I did do the SBD) and you can just exercise by walking. Doesn't cost much and it works. Oh well, I will continue on and keep you updated. Did I mention that I hate the number 186?????

I am about ready to give up. I am frustrated and confused. I have not lost any more significant weight since Nov. I only lost a total of 3 inches since then where by my averages I should have lost about 6 inches. I don't know what to do any more. I eat more then I eat less. I watched my carbs now I'm watching my calories. I exercise more and then I just veg. I remain OP and then I eat things I know I shouldn't. All to fool this body of mine into thinking it should deposit some more pounds along the wayside but NOTHING works! I am at a loss at to what to do. I had 4 goals to meet but it seems the second goal is where my body wants to stay. How can it be taking this long to get to my ideal weight? I have seen and heard on TV where people lose inordinate amounts of weight in a year. How do they do it? What am I doing wrong? I never thought it would be this hard...........I want to give up but I am not! I didn't come this far to blow it now. I just need to lose some weight soon so I know I am still able to do it. I just want off this plateau!!!!

It was another Curves weigh-in today. I lost one pound but am still up two from my last lowest weight so I am at 186. I had hoped to lose 5 pounds this past month but that didn't happen. I lost 1 1/4 inches from my hips though so that was good. The funny thing is though that is the least place I need to lose inches. I need losses in my boobs and belly. Even the gal who measured me said "you have no hips girl!" I did want to lose 1 1/2 inches this month so not too bad there. Thus far I have lost 32 3/4 inches in total off my body! All in all I am quite pleased and I am not going to stress over it any more. I feel good and look good so I am going to continue on with what I am doing. Maybe I'll get into the 170's after all!

No, I am NOT going off my diet, just re-thinking it. I have been on the SBD for almost a year now. Whereas it has taught me alot about healthy eating, I find that my weight loss has stopped and I am on a plateau. I read somewhere that the SBD is great for diabetics in the long run but only helps others in the short term. I find myself eating the right foods but in larger portions than they should be. I guess I surmise that it is healthy stuff so eat all you want. Doesn't work that way apparently as my weight loss has been nil.
So now that it is Lent, I am on a stricter version of my own kind of SBD. I am paying closer attention to calories and portions. I know I did this somewhat before but not nearly diligently enough. So for the next 6 weeks, I am really staying on my new program of only 1500 calories a day. I would like it to be 1200 calories but I am just too hungry on that. I will realy stick to 6 small meals with a treat here and there as long as it fits into my calorie count. I want to be out of the 180's by Easter Sunday morning. I do get weighed and measure at Curves this week so that will be my starting point. I will see where I can go from there. Oh, please, oh please, let me lose some more weight!

My DH works for a man who has 4 grown daughters. One of them was always very thin whereas the other three had/have weight issues. Of the the 4 sisters, C was the one who was always very, very overweight. I only met her once or twice and she was very heavy then. I knew in recent times that she lost weight but not so much so that I didn't even recognize her. Well, tonight I went to Curves and she was there. I have seen her there before but she wasn't sure who I was as I wasn't sure who she was. We began talking and when I realized it was C, I almost died. She told me she has been going to Curves for almost 3 years and in that time she lost 120 pounds and get this........128 inches. She was of course watching her diet as well. She lookes fantastic and is a real inspiratiohn to me now. She always works the machines really hard so tonight in honor of her, I worked my butt off. From now on the vision of this woman who has done so well without any surgeries of any kind will be the image I carry with me. She is a true inspiration! She is proof that Curves does work!!!!!

It is the time of year when my mind goes crazy and I think of all kinds of dumb things. I have been thinking of my Dad lately maybe because it was his birthday on the 11th. He has been gone now for almost 2 years. I remembered many years ago when he made a bet with me about losing weight. He would actually pay me for pounds lost. Well, I took the challenge for about a week and then gave up. I wish he could see me now and maybe he does.
Then I was thinking back to right before he died and he was in a nursing home. I went to visit him one night and my mom was there with hime. My DH and I got off the elevator and there was my mom pushing him down the hall in a wheelchair. She gave me this disgusting look as I know I looked fat in the outfit I was wearing. Little did she know that day that she helped me make up my mind as to lose weight. Her looks of disgust would tame Saddam. It took me another 3 months to finally commit to it but that "look" still keeps me going on days like this when I feel blah!
The weather has not co-operated either as it has been bitter cold and snowing off and on. Just makes me want to eat some warm comfort foods. I don't even want to participate in my Curv'es 30 day cahllenge this time because I am just not into it like I was the last tiem they had one. Maybe it was because I did so poorly, who knows.
Sorry to be so negative and down but this always happens to me this time of the year. My scale needs a new battery so I have no clue what I weigh these days. Hopefully tonight I will find the kind that I need and see where I am on the loss scale. I am still eating OP ad drinking my water and going to Curves so all is not lost. I just am in the middle of those January blahs! Spring oh spring, where art thou?????

I went to see my GP today as part of my normal routine of every 3 months. I weighed 187, my BP was 118/80(best it has been in years) and everything else was good. He is very pleased that I am still going to Curves and that I lost 50 pounds. When I told him I wanted to lose another 50, he looked at me strangely. He told me I should only lose another 25 to 30. He said he would rather me be a little bit overweight and maintain than to lose lots and yo-yo back and forth. I told him not to be mad at me if I do reach my goal. I am staying on the Lexapro for my IBS for a little while longer before he weans me off. I go see him again in 3 months.......April 18th...........my 4 year hysterversary! I need to get bloodwork done before that appt. I hope by then I will be in the 170's. I hate going to the doctor but I am so happy when it is over.

Yep, I knew it! It's the first time since I have been going to Curves some 16 months ago that I have gained weight. It was 3 3/4 pounds but I did manage to lose a 1/2 inch so all is not lost. That's a total of 31.5 inches gone! The funny thing is where I lost the inches...........1/4 inch in my upper arm and a 1/4 inch in my thighs. Supposedly they are the hardest areas to lose inches so go figure. I am a little frustrated but I guess I will have to work harder. Looking back over the past several months, I seemed to have slowed down in my weight loss starting in July when I went on vacation. It seemed to be easy before that. I guess I have to look at it that it took me many years to gain the weight so it might take a few to lose it. Anyway the slower you lose the weight, the less chance you have of gaining it back. I am just going to be happy at where I am at and go from there..............50 pounds gone and 50 to go!

I am not losing pounds but I am losing ground. I cannot budge any of this weight I put on since the holidays. My last lowest weight was 184.2( Dec. 10th) and I have been between 186.6 and 189.2 the past several days. I even put off my weigh in at Curves until this Saturday in hopes of losing some weight. I hope IO at least lost an inch this month. I don't understand what is happeneing..........last year I kept on losing right through the holidays. It seems that the less I have to lose the harder and slower it gets. I guess I should emphasize the positive.......I am more than half way to my goal. It just gets frustrating when these plateaus get in they way and slow things down.

One good thing though......now that I lost my Curves buddy, I do seem to work out harder. I don't talk as much and I concentrate on the machines. So I guess some good came out of it after all.

Over the weekend I had my whole family at my house for our annual holiday get together. Now I made foods that would please everyone that was invited. We all could stand to lose some weight except for my little nieces and nephews so I saved a few calories by using Splenda in anything that required sugar. I personally cannot tell the difference but both my Mom and my sister complained that they could "taste" the Splenda. They have harassed me about some of my diet habits and I know I complained about that here before. I just thought that by now they would have gotten used to the idea of my weight loss plans and supported me instead of trying to make me feel like I commited a crime by using a sugar substitute in my cooking.

Then today my Curves buddy decided that Curves wasn't for her any more so she opted out of her contract and is not going any more. She thought I would be mad at her but I said I was just disappointed. It is so much more fun to have a buddy to go with. It somehow makes you feel accountable. Sometimes when I didn't feel like going I would still go because I didn't want to disappoint her. Motivation, you know. Oh, well, I will still go on my own. I have before so why shouldn't I continue. I have to laugh.......a few years ago I would have NEVER done something like this by myself and now I just do it! She can stay home and use her treadmill, I'm going to have fun and enjoy my exercising at Curves!

This year has brought some new changes for me. I found out I could do something that I never thought I would be able to do.....lose weight! I also learned to enjoy exercising, thanks to Curves. I learned to have more confidence in myself because I look and feel better. I was able to buy new clothes in samller sizes. I actually have people look at me and compliment me on how good I am looking. I also became a MIL! Wow! New me!
I still have more weight to lose and it seems to be going much slower now. Of course, the holidays aren't helping there but Monday is a new start. I want to be in the 140's by Sept. so I have lots of work to do. But I can do it! It's not really a New Year's resolution but a LIFE resolution. I never want to be that fat lady again!
Have a happy, healthy and blessed New Year's one and all!! Strive and thrive in 2005!!!!!!!

I just want to wish all my Journal buddies and anyone else who reads these entries a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! May you all find peace and happiness and most especially good health!

I will try and just maintain my weight over these next feww days. I will not fuss about having a cookie or two. And I will come on strong in January so I can meet my weight loss goals and be the weight I want to be at my 2 year mark in September.

Well, it is the week before Christmas and my baking has begun. I really didn't want to bake ANY cookies this year so as not to sabotage my weight loss success but it is my turn for our family get together this year so I had to bake some. Plus my kids will be home and they love my cookies. And let's not even discuss visiting .........people always say, "oh, one cookie won't hurt you!" So the holiday roadblocks are in place. I am not going to fuss if I don't lose any weight in the next few weeks.....my goal is to maintain. That's another problem......I think I am now stuck in the 180's as I was stuck in the 190's. I used to weigh myself daily and that drove me crazy. Now I weigh myself once a week and that still drives me crazy. How can you be 184 one week and 187 the next????? I have been eating pretty much the same and yet I hover around the same 3 pounds for days, even weeks. Then after a long while I will drop 4 to 5 pounds just like that. I wonder if that happens to other people. I guess I got used to losing a pound a week that when it doesn't happen I get nuts. My goal was to be 180 on New Year's Day but I will be happy to be back at my last lowest weight of 184. Come January, I will be back on track with no more excuses like the holidays. Can I possibly make it to my next goal of 162 by Easter????????? Stay tuned..........

I am an avid shopper on QVC and awhile ago I bought myself a pair of boot cut jeans in a size XL I have been in 1X's for awhile now but decided to move down a size. When I first got them in the mail, I tried them on and they were soooooo tight on me. I was going to return them but then decided to keep them as I was trying to get skinnier not fatter. For some reason or other I decided to try them on today and they fit! I am wearing skinny jeans! Now mind you they are stretch denim and have an elatisized waistband but they fit comfortably and look fab as long as I cover up the tummy area with a longer top. I am so happy to see how losing inches can do more for your figure than losing pounds although that helps too, of course. WooHoo! Another Mo moment for me!

Well, like always around the 10th of each month, I had my weigh-in today at Curves. Results weren't as good as the last time but I still managed to lose 2 pounds and one inch for a total of 56 pounds and 31 inches gone since last Sept. Pretty good considering Thanksgiving was in there. Hopefully Christmas won't derail me too much and I at least don't gain. Then come January..........watch out!
I was sort of feeling sorry for myself the past few days. I have no Christmas parties to go to with my new figure and new wardrobe. Everybody seems to be heading out this weekend or next for some holiday fun. I have been complaining and complaining about it and now I feel like such a shmuck! My dear friend D just stopped by to drop something off for me and told me she has a suspicious lump on her breast and needs to see a surgeon immediately. She has an appt. on Monday. Wow! She has had alot of other medical problems and now this. I feel so stupid carrying on about not having a Christmas party to go to and here she is with a major crisis right before Christmas. Sort of puts things in perspective! I just have to be grateful that I am healthy right now and concentrate on praying that she does not have breast cancer. I need your prayers, too. She is a lovely person and a dear friend. Thanks!

Last night my DH and I went to our local mall to do some Christmas shopping. I love to go every year because undoubtedly I always meet up with people I have not seen in months or even years. As was the case last night. I was excited about seeing these people because I feel so much better about the way I look. We had lovely conversations about our families but I was so disappointed that no one noticed my weight loss. I did have a coat on but still..........I guess I am one of those people that needs validation to keep going. I must learn to get over that. I don't know what I would do with out my BEST and Journal friends. They ALWAYS make me feel good about what I have accomplished. Today though I must admit that the Curves instructor who firstt signed me up at Curves went on a roll about how terrific I am doing. Kinda made up for last night. It's funny but strangers give me more encouragement than some of my friends do. What's up with that?????

I have been is some sort of a funk since my DD's wedding. I cannot explain it except for the fact that it might be a letdown from all the planning and excitement of a wedding. My IBS ruined some of the fun so I have some bad memories of that time in my DD's life. I have accomplished so much in the weight loss category yet it does not soothe me now. I asked the doc for some help here and I went against all of my principles and am now taking Lexapro. It has helped with the IBS but I still feel sort of blah and useless. My DD not coming home for Thanksgiving or Christmas is also adding to my feeling blue. I know she has a life of her own now but I still will miss her bright smile on Christmas morn. To make matteers worse, her in-laws only live 20 minutes away so she will be seeing them on the 25th I am sure. At least, they will be here over the New Year's weekend so I have something to look forward to. I guess as we get older, traditions change, family members leave and life goes on just not the way it used to. Thank God for Curves......it gives me a boost when I need one. I have stayed at 186 over the holiday, but I am grateful that I have not gained after eating some no no's like pumpkin pie. Food use to comfort me but now I need to find something else to fill the void. Maybe that is the problem. I have lost my best friend FOOD! But I will not go back there. I can't! I have come so far. I have even learned to be satisfied with not losing pounds but being just satisfied that I have not gained. I guess I am just getting used to the new me. Everything is changing and I am not ready for it. But I have to be..........it is for the best! Isn't it?????

Yesterday was weigh-in for me at Curves. I am down another 6 pounds and 3 1/2 inches since the end of Sept. Totals for the past 14 months are 54 pounds lost and 30 inches gone. I just cannot believe it.
At our Curves, the instructors are making a weight loss board and putting each members name on a star and putting them under the amount of pounds they have lost thus far. I am off the charts since the last category is 50 pounds. Yesterday everyone there exercising was congratulating me on my accomplishments. I even got a free Curves T-shirt for my efforts. How cool is that?

..............no, not today. No talk of weigh-ins or pounds lost. My DD got married on Saturday after being engaged for 10 months. She looked absolutely gorgeous. I did not cry because I knew just how happy she was. The day was sunny but brisk. The ceremony was beautiful. We all had a part in the church. My son was a grromsman, my DH walked her down the aisle and I had a reading. Her husband is a doll......actually alot like my hubby. He is a quiet but gentle man. I can see the love in his eyes when he looks at my daughter.
The reception was a blast. We had sooooooo much fun. My DH rarely dances and always the slow ones. Not today........we were the last ones off the dance floor. Lots of exercise there. Now I am a MIL. I hope I am a good one. It carries alot of responsibility......mainly not to be to meddlesome and keep my opinions to myself. To be there when they need me but only when they ask me. I think at times it might be hard to do that but I learned a lesson from my own MIL on how NOT to be.
I also felt sorry for my mom at the wedding. My dad passed away last summer(04) and I saw the lonliness in her eyes. I knew she missed him so much on that special day in her grandaughter's life. So I guess weddings can be sad in a way, too.
Weddings can also strengthen a marriage. Mine feels better than ever. I guess because it has been successful and an example for my daughter. We've been through alot and yet we stand firm in our love and commitment. 27 years and counting.........
My emotions are all over the place right now. Before the wedding I was a basket case, worrying about everything. My IBS was out of control and I need meds from my doc to calm me down. Now looking back over the past few days, I realize how silly I was to be such a wreck. It all worked out. Everything I worried about took care of itself. I never learn to just put my faith in the LORD. Well, now I am putting it in the Lord to give my DD the kind of wonderful marriage like I have. Hubby and I promised each other 50 years plus on our wedding day so to Kristin and Rob, I wish you 50 years plus!!!!!!!
There is so much more I would like to write here today........but no, not today. I think I will just keep it all in my

I was just wishing today that the Curves challenge would have been this month instead of Sept. Since that last weigh when I only lost a 1/2 pound, I have dropped 5 pounds to 187. That's not even in one month's time! My next Curves weigh-in will be back to my normal schedule of the 10th of the month. Since that is 2 weeks away yet, I hope to be 185.
My IBS is still bugging me at times. Yesterday was no fun but I really think it has more to do with my nerves than what I eat. I had a dentist appt. last evening and I HATE to go to the dentist so that may have been my problem. Today I feel better but felt a little weak after Curves. Did not eat much for breakfast so that could be the reason.
I am still shedding clothes and have very little to wear these days. For some reson or other I have been buying dressy clothes and have nothing causal or kinda hang around the house type clothes. Even my exercise pants are begining to get too big on me and I just bought them not too long ago. For Christmas, I am telling everyone I need CLOTHES! Not only regular things but stuff like night gowns, a new robe, etc. As much as losing weight is great, having to buy new clothes every so often can be a strain on the budget. Not a good thing with the wedding only 10 days away and the holidays to follow. I just hope people don't get sick of me wearing the same things all of the time.

I remember over the years watching TV talk shows like Oprah, etc. and seeing people who had lost a lot of weight. I would marvel at someone who lost 50 or more pounds and wonder how they did it. I saw the pain in their faces as they described their lowest point that sent them on their way to a weight loss solution. I never could have identified with them because I always felt I could never do it. Much too hard! I balked at them and yet I admired them so much but never related to them until now. The other day I realized that I AM one of those people. Not anything special just someone who lost weight. And even though I have more to go, my sense of commitment and accomplishment has surprised me and yet feels a part of me now. I see that I can set a goal and achieve it. It feels good! Oprah here I come!

Well, Saturday was the day for my final MOB dress fitting. I was so nervous! I slipped it on and the sales clerk zipped me up. No need to hold my breath.......it fit and felt wonderful! What a relief! Now I can turn all my attention toward my DD and her needs. There are things that need to be done but that dress tension is gone!

I have been holding back some because I wanted to be sure. Yes, I reached my next goal of 188 finally! I have gotten off that 190's plateau and am moving forward. I decided not to treat mysel just now. Too many expenses with the wedding and the holidays not far behind. I decided to buy myself something special after Christmas whan they have all those big sales. Right now my happiness and feelings of accomplishment are enough. My next goal is 162...........that is what I weighed when I got married. I am hoping to reach that one sometime around my DH's birthday(March 22) as a present to him.

An update to my last entry. I got a phone call from J over the weekend. She wanted to say a personal good-bye to me and explain what happened at Curves that let to her dismissal. She urged me to continue on my weight loss quest and exercise program even after my DD's wedding. I assured her I would. She teased me and said "I know where you live." LOL! We agreed to get together soon. I told her how much she meant to me. I also have a card I am going to send her so she has something tangeable to keep. I missed her so much when I went there today......the place was not the same MUCH TOO QUIET!

Yes, I am very sad right now. One of the instructors at Curves quit today because of many run-ins with the owner over the past few weeks. I was told this woman was wrong, over-stepped her bounds and just plain gave the owner no other choice but to let her go.
Many of us were sad today when we found out. This woman was one of the reasons I loved Curves so much. I mean they are all nice but J was the best. She was fun, had oodles of energy and was the kind of older woman I want to be. Now don't get me wrong.....she was strong-willed and not everyone liked her because she came on too strong at times, but to me she was an angel. She was the woman I spoke of before who took me aside one day whan I was down on myself and told me what a beautiful woman I was and that I made a difference at Curves. She was just a positive person and made many of us laugh while we were excersing. She loved to polka and was into old cars, her granchildren, dancing and just life in general.
I will miss her. I wish I had a chance to tell her how much SHE made a difference in my life. I don't want to get in-between a worker and her employer but I would love to tell the woman who owns Curves to give her another chance. But that won't happen. Not from what I hear from one of the other employyes who was her best frined there at Curves. It just makes me sad...........

I haven't really discussed IBS here much but it got me big time this weekend. I think I have had irritable bowel since I was in my early 20's but it was not officially diagnosed until right after my hyst. I had it bad off and on these past 4 years and this weekend was no exception. I must admit it has been more controlled on the SBD. Since the SBD supposedly constipates some people, it does wonders for me since I have IBS-D. But durng these times, my meds don't even help when it gets this bad. I don't want you to think I am crazy here but it seems to flare-up at the change of seasons. I usually get bad attacks in Oct./Nov. and in Mar./April. Because of this, I hardly ate anything the past 3 days. The scale scared me this morning but I think it might be a fluke because of the lack of eating on the weekend. I am not getting too excited over the possible loss until I weigh myself again in a few days. If I stay where I was this morning I will be having a celebration. Just not yet! Maybe, just maybe, this is what I needed to get me out of the 190's. I wouldn't wish IBS on a dog but I gotta look at the bright side of things. I am just glad it hit me now instead of a few weeks from now. I DO NOT need that blah bloated feeling for my DD's wedding!!!!!!!

OMG, it is one month until my DD's wedding! There are still some things that need to be done but we will get there. Her shower in VA was great and I got to meet alot of the people who will be attending the wedding which is nice. I might not remember all of their names but at least their faces will be familiar to me.
I ate mindfully at the party but still had a little too much for the old tummy. I had an IBS attack yesterday so I know I need to stay On Plan especially where that is concerned. I am now on my own version of the SBD Phase One for the next 2 weeks. I also bought the protein shakes that they sell at Curves to use as one of my snacks. The chocolate is not too bad. I already lost a pound since Sunday but I am not getting too excited about it because of the way the scale has been jumping up and down these days.
A sweet woman posted on the BEST board yesterday to tell us she finally took the plunge and joined Curves. I have been encouraging her to do so. I also told her to read my Journal for inspiration so if you see this hun..........good luck! I cannot believe how many people here have taken my word and joined Curves. I should get a commission. LOL!
Two different ladies this past week have told me I am looking good. I have also been going thorugh my fall/winter clothes to make piles of things I want to sell and things I need to just give away. I also have been buying some new things from QVC, ebay and our local mall. Just enough things to get me through the winter months. As much as I can't afford to buy alot of things, it is still FUN to start up a new wardrobe especially in a smaller size!!!!!! MO moments for sure......

Well, the 2 challenges for Sept. are over and I failed miserably. I missed my Steptember BEST challenge by 200 steps and my big total at Curves was a 3. I only lost 1/2 pound but I am thrilled that I lost and inch and a half on my waistline, my problem area so all is not lost. I am proud of myself for trying! I did go shopping today and bought a new pair of black dress shoes to cheer me up. I am really not that discouraged but I got to start Phase One again on Monday if I am to get any where close to my goal weight of 144.
I will be gone this weekend for my DD's shower in VA. I will watch what I am eating but not deprive myself too much. That will begin on Monday. I just want to get out of the 190's, meet my next goal of 188 and continue on to a slimmer me. Oh, if were only that easy!

Well, today was the day I have been dreading for weeks. We left early as the dress shop is over an hour away from where we live. When we got there no one else was in the store. The lady working there was not the seamstress but she told me she would be able to tell just exactly what might have to be done to the dress. I was so nervous. I tried on the dress and as before I could barely pull up the zipper. It was so tight I was afraid to breathe. She said that the problem was not the dress itlelf but the lining underneath that was tight. She assured me the seamstress would be able to gusset the lining and give me a good 4 inches of breathing room. I finally understand why the dress itself looked good on me yet I felt so uncomfortable in it. It was the gosh darn lining. The sleeves were a perfect length and it only needs to be hemmed about an inch. All in all I was relieved when I understood the problem. I do not sew so all of this made no sense to me until today. Phew! I think it is going to work. Even hubby understood the situation. The dress is gorgeous and makes me look long and lean. It will be ready to be re-tried on by the 16th. The lady assured me again it will be fine but there is enough time before the weding if further alterations are needed. Only 6 more weeks until the big day!
After the fitting, we went shopping and ate at a lovely restaurant and had a nice day away from all the wedding preparations. Next weekend we will be going to VA for another shower down there being given by her bridesmaids. After that weekend, I think I am going back on Phase One of the SBD to jump start my metabolism again. I have died on this plateau and want to say farewell to the 190's once and for all. I think if I am very strict and don't cheat, Phase One will get me back to where I will lose 4 to 5 pounds per month like I did up until July! I don't have an answer as to why my body stopped dropping pounds but hopefully things will turn around soon. There is no way I will win a prize at Curves but at least I tried the challenge. I will report back as to the results of both the Curves challenge and the BEST challenge later in the week.

I mentioned in a previous entry that I can now wear a size XL(size of my shower outfit). I thought it might be a fluke. My mom gave me some money for my birthday and I went out shopping for some new clothes. Lo and behold, I could fit in a XL. Now it all depends on how it is made, but the several things I bought or recieved for my birthday were XL's. It really felt weird to be shopping in the Misses section vs. the Women's section. I was confused and happy at the same time. I did find out that I now have to try things on. I was so used to wearing a 2X that I could just "look" at something and know if it would fit. Of course, right before my diet began, I was nearing a 3X. That was when I knew I had to lose weight. So I guess I have made significant progress. I am starting to believe my BEST pals when they say it is not what the scale reads but how your clothes fit. I was never this toned before. Because as I just said, I have been a 2X for years and weighed this amount before and still wore a 2X. Gotta love that Curves! Still hanging in at 191 but hoping the 180's are around the bend. I want to reach my second goal of 188 soon!!!!!!!!

Today is my 52nd birthday. I was born in 52 and I am 52. How cool is that! But according to the Today Show, 50 is the new 30 so I guess I am 32. How can that be when I have a 26 year old DD????
I thougth back to what I was like at the real 32. I was a young mother of two and probably thought I would never make it to 52. I probably weighed what I do now(191) because as I have said before, I was in the 190's for a LONG time. I think I feel better. No, really. I am not as stressed and all of my health problems have subsided for the most part. I certainly exercise more than back then and definitely eat healthier. So I guess my birthday present to myself is a healthier lifestyle. It's about time, don't you think????? I will celebrate tonight with a nice dinner out with my DH. We are going to a lovely restaurant that looks over a valley near where I live. I will be conscious of what I eat but I will remember what the BEST glas say about birthdays........birthday calories don't count! Happy birthday to me!
Next Saturday is my fitting for my MOB dress. I will not think of that tonight. I will enjoy myself!

Support is what this site is all about. I have gotten so much from here that it is hard to explain to the outside world. I cannot put into words how strangers help me more than so-called friends. This is an example or 2 of how "strangers" sometimes mean more to me than real life friends. Yesterday, I got a letter from a long-time friend(son's godmother) who lives in GA and I have not seen in years or really heard from since Christmas. My last letter to her was in March when I told her about my DD's wedding, my DH's health problems and my weight loss quest. As usual her letter to me rambled on and on about her life and very little about mine. The part that fits in here is the part where she tried to support me in my weigh loss quest. Here are her words exactly. "I've been lucky so far with maintaining my weight since I am constantly on the go. I do go to the gym on weekends to use the treadmill & lift weights mainly to increase bone density." That it!!!!!! No words of encouragement, no words of support.and then people wonder why I come here to HS or Curves for loving and kind support.
Speaking of Curves, here is an example again of where strangers soemtimes mean more to me than friends and family. It really has nothing to do with weight loss or exercise but how Curves is more than that. It helps me feel better in every way. The story is.....last week my Curves buddy was complaining to the 2 instructors of how she needs something to help her skin with blemishes. She is the kind of person who finds flaws where there are none. As you know from previous entries, she drivers me nuts with her quest for perfection. This woman is beautiful, thin, has gorgeous skin, teeth and hair and a lovely family and hunky DH, but is always finding fault with herself. Well, to make this short, the instructors at Curves started teasing her about how awful her skin looked and she was scaring away the clientele and she better do something to improve her skin now!!! I was thrilled with their teasing and chimed in on how beautiful she was and if I were only half as pretty, I would be thrilled. I said if anyone needs to complain about making themselves better, it was me. We all had a good laugh at the expense of my friend . This past Monday, one of the instructors who was there for this discussion was working. She is a lovely woman full of energy and fun!! I just love when she is working at Curves. She pulled me aside and made me go into one of the exam rooms to talk. I kidded her and asked her if I was a bad girl. She was so kind and told me how I should stop putting myself down. She gave me all the reasons of how I am an attrctive woman and how I make a difference at Curves. She congratualted me on my weight loss accomplishments and made me promise to look on the positive side of my self. WOW! All this from a stranger.....no, a friend!!!!!

Sat. was my DD's shower and all went well. I was a nervous wreck and even felt sick right before I had to leave to get everything ready. Once I got to the restaurant and set everything up, I was fine. There were some tense moments when my MIL arrived. It is a long story but let's just say everything turned out well. My daughter got alot of nice things.
I broke my diet and had a piece of cake. I hardly ate anything else(nerves) but the cake was out of this world. It was a carrot cake with cream cheese icing......the best I ever tasted! YUM!
I mentioned so long ago here how I just wanted to be thinner than her future MIL for the wedding. Well, unless she had gastic by-pass surgery today, there is NO way she will be thinner than me. I don't think she even tried to lose weight although she told me way back that she was trying to. Everyone said I looked terrific! My dear friend who I have not seen since Christmas almost died when she saw me. She said, "wow, you really lost weight!" I felt so good and looked great in my new dark teal outfit that I got at QVC.........a size XL I migt add.
I guess you could say I accomplished a goal by looking good for the shower. I am still 3 pounds shy of the 188 I wanted to weigh for this past weekend. I would love to be 180 for the wedding but that ain't gonna happen. Dress fitting in 2 weeks. Hold your breath!!!!! Well, not you guys but that was meant for me!

Yes, one year ago today I joined Curves. Best decision I ever made for myself. I have lost 48 pounds and about 26 inches. I look and feel so much better. My Curves buddy reminded me that last year when we first joined she teased me about becoming addicted to exercise. I said, "not me, I HATE to exercise." Well, looking back now, she was right. I AM addicted to Curves. I also walk on the days I don't go there but I love Curves so much better. I have met friends and enjoy the socialization it brings. I guess that is an added benefit which helps your over all mood. The instructors are great and we do have fun. It is so worth the money.So I guess I could say that today is my one year Curveseversary!

Today I went shopping with my mom for a dress for her for the shower. She is going to be 76 in Nov.(4 days before my DD's wedding) and has such a nice shaped body. She wears a size 10 , mind you! She used to be heavier( 5' 7" and 170) but has slimmed down during the past few years mainly because she was my Dad's principal caretaker and was worn ragged. Now she is 148 pounds(was less right after my Dad's death last year). She complains of big hips but I told her it is because her waist is so small that her hips look big. She has no bust either. Why couldn't I have taken after her instead of my Dad???? My Dad always told me I reminded him of his sister Mary. She was a fun loving lady but was on the round side. My Dad was a big man for most of his life as well. I look at my Mom and wish I could fit into a size 10 or 12 or even 14. I wish I was tall like her, too but that ain't gonna happen. It's funny how genes get passed on. My Mom's side was basically thin and my Dad's side was a mixture but plump would be how I would describe most of them. Pleasingly plump but plump just the same. Gets me down a little.

Yes, I am still on my plateau looking down on all of the world! I went down to 191.4 the other day and was sooooo excited but this morning I am back up to 193.4. How can that be, I ask myself? I have no answer. This is day 5 of the challenge and I have not done well at all. I have beem remaining OP with a cheat or two to maybe jump start my metabolism. My steps are improving on my walks and maybe some mm's have fallen off but my weight just sits there. This week will be stressful as the last minute details must get done for the shower on the 11th. I seemed to have conquered my "stress eating" but this week will truly be a test. I often wonder what the dress fitting will be like in a few weeks. I know the seamstress will ask if I lost any more weight. Should I lie????? Naw, the dress will tell on me. I pray the foundation garment makes a liar out of me. By the way, everyone loves the dress. My DD will be home on Friday and I can't wait to show it to her. Please God make it fit better!!!! I won't be upset if it needs alterations. Just so it CAN be done nicely and will hold up well if I laugh or bend over. Can you imagine the look on my face if I hear a tear??????

Yes, today is day one of the Curves challenge and I am ready for it. My start weight is 192. I also signed up for a challenge on the BEST board concerning those pedometers again. My own personal goal in that one is to increase my steps each time I walk with hubby this month. So I will enter my goals I plan to achieve this month now and then post my actual results on the 1st of Oct. My goals for this month of challenges are to lose 7 pounds, 2 inches and walk 5,000 steps by the 30th.
By the way, it is one year today since I started on my healthier lifestyle quest. An d I feel great!
I also need to comment on something that is bothering me. On Sunday, I went to my sister's for a big picnic. Most of the people there have not seen me in a year and yet no one said, "hey, you lost weight!!!!" What a disappointment!

Wednesday Sept. 1st starts the Curves challenge I mentioned in my previous entry. Last night I was weighed and measured for the event. I am adding all of the info here in my Journal so I can see how well I do. Now they do not weigh or measure you again until sometime after the challenge is over to determine the winners. But I will weigh myself and add it here when I can. I will leave the measuring up to them and will report my totals sometime around the 1st of Oct. Here are my official () numbers. Don't scream when you read them.

Weight........192
Bust...............46 1/4
Waist.............43 1/2
Abdomen........47 1/2
Hips................44 1/4
Thighs.............22
Arms................12

Please note that I was just weighed 2 weeks ago and since then I lost another 3 pounds(by their scales not mine) and 3/4 of an inch. I am the happiest about the 1/2 inch I lost in my waist(remember that is the area I need to lose the most for my MOB dress) so I am doing something right. The other 1/4 of an inch was lost in my bust. This is my weigh for Sept.(usually done the 9th of the month) and the next one will be at the end of the challenge(that will count as my Oct. weigh-in). The one after that will be my last one prior to the wedding. Yikes! Wish me luck!

BSQ is always coming up with challenges over on the BEST board. I try and participate in them as often as I can. She is the one who got us all excited about using pedometers to see how many steps we take in a day. Well, for the month of Sept., my Curves is sponsoring a challenge for anyone who wants to participate. It starts Sept. 1st and all you have to do is sign up, get weighed and measured before the 31st and commit to 3 days a week workouts at Curves and stick to your eating plan. There are 3 big prizes for the ladies who lose the most in combined pounds and inches. Other smaller prizes will be given weekly if you make your committed 3 visits to exercise. I highly doubt if I will win big being on this stupid plateau but it would be nice to win the free manicure that I could use on the day before my DD's wedding. I have the will and the desire so who knows. I might surprise myself and do better that I thought. I would be happy just to get to my goal of 188.
Lots going on in Sept...........my DD's shower, my birthday, my quest for my next goal and the Curves challenge. I hope I am up for it! A year ago I doubt it but now, I say YES! Wow, is that ME writing this entry? What a difference a year makes! I will journal my challenge results as often as possible so stay tuned......

I had a great time down my DD's in Va. Her house is lovely and they seem so happy that my heart is filled with happiness. And even though I still am hanging on to this number of 193, I am still happy today. I am a QVC nut! I buy all my clothes there(well most of them) and last week I ordered an outfit to wear to my daughter's shower. Nothing fancy, just nice. I ordered a brand that I know runs bigger. I took a risk and ordered an XL from this designer. Not too many places have XL for woman but that is about what I need now. 1X at times is too big but size L is too small especially in the waist. So this XL seemed to be the answer. I told my DH that if was way too tight, I would send it back for the 1X. Well, today it came in the mail and IT FITS!!!!!!!!! WooHoo! An XL! OMG, if only all manufacturers would make this size. It fits just right but should last me most of the winter. It is a perfect outfit for many things and looks great on me. I am just so happy! Can you tell??? LOL!

Despite all the positive things that have come about and for which I am grateful, I still can't seem to get out of the 190's. I think I might have jinxed myself when I celebrated too much after making my first goal of 199 and now I can't seem to get much farther past that. It seems that getting to my next goal of 188 would have been a snap but it is harder to get off another 11 pounds right now that it was to lose those first 39. I can't understand why. I have done what others have suggested........I ate more calories, less calories, changed my exercise routines, walked and still I seem to lack the metabolism to shed the pounds more easily. I wish there was a "weight loss" fairy who could fly over my head, check me out and then sit on my shoulder and whisper in my ear a successful way to go from here. No such luck!
I am heading down to my DD's to see her new home this weekend and one again, challenges of being away from home will put me on hold of losing more weight. Remember my vacation when I gained 3 pounds in 4 days away? I hope that doesn't happen again. Thank God my DD and her future DH are on a pre-wedding diet so maybe it won't be too bad. But then again I have heard about all the good restaurants in F-burg and ............
I guess if I weren't under the gun to lose some more weight prior to this wedding I would take this all in stride. After all, it took me years to get this fat so it may take years to get it off. I also think because for many years I waeighed around 195 that my body just likes it here. Oh, body, it will be so much better in the 180's and then the 170's and then........well you know. Maybe my body will co-operate with this pedometer challenge. I have improved my steps daily, now if I could only improve my weight loss daily. 193 I HATE you. So there!

Frequently on the BEST board, BSQ puts up a challenge.....they vary in length and type. This month's challenge is to get you to do more walking. Everyone is getting one of those pedometers from McD's. Not to be out done, I got my "adult Happy meal" today for lunch so I could get the pedometer for the challenge. I tried it out just now...........walked 3,641 steps my first try. That is about 1.6 miles. The challenge is for 3 days....each day trying to out do yourself from the day before. 10,000 steps is the goal per day as that equals 5 miles. You can record your daily steps on mcdonalds.com if you want. Come to the BEST baord and join the challenge.........build your self-esteem, lower your BP and loose fat. Walk, walk, walk! My challenge is get soemone new to join us this month. Won't you help me out?????

Weigh-in day for me was Monday the 9th. I waited until today because they have been so busy when I was there the 2 previous times that I didn't want to bother them. Fridays seem to be their quiet day so I had Ellen(my neighbor) weigh and measure me this evening. I lost 4 pounds which I already knew so I still weigh 193(been that for over a week) and lost 2 and 3/4 inches for a total of 25 inches, I think! There was a problem the last few months with different people measuring me especially in my hip area so today it was done right and the amount of inches lost was re-adjusted. I lost the most in my hip area which does not help with my dress per se. I lost a half an inch in my abdomen but nothing in the waist which is the area that is the tighest when it comes to my MOB dress. But there are still 11 weeks until W day!
On Sept. 9th, it will be one year since I first joined Curves. I already renwed my member ship. By then I should be over 50 pounds lost and probably close to 27 inches gone. My next goal is 188 as I have said many times before and I hope I reach it by my birthday on Sept. 17th as a present to myself! Oh, and I guess that means another bauble is in order!

Today I went to get my MOB dress to see if the size 18W will work! I am happy to say that with the loss of a few more pounds and inches and maybe a little alteration, the dress will be fine! Phew! I also will need to buy a foundation garment to help me along a little bit. LOL! My hubby keeps telling me I will look so elegant that day. That is strange to hear for me because I am a casual kind of gal. You know jeans and a sweatshirt. The ladies at the boutique also showed me the perfect purse to go with the dress. I almost died when I saw the price.......$68! Yikes. Hubby said "go for it!" so I did although very reluctantly I might add. Thank God I only have one DD! I did bring the dress home to show it to my daughter and my mom. I want to keep it a surprise for everyone else. I will get my final fitting a month before the big day.
This week is weigh-in at Curves but at home here I weighed in this AM at 193........only 5 pounds away from my second goal of 188. I am hoping I get to that goal for my birthday in the middle of Sept. By the wedding, I plan to be 180. Not what I predicted so many months ago but better than what I was when I started this whole thing. So today was a good day!

All of my dear BEST and Journal friends have encouraged me so much this past weekend. Thanks!!!! Everyone always tells me to look at the positives and what I have accomplished so far instead of looking at what I need to do yet. So here goes~~~~~~~How I feel better since I began my weight loss quest ...........

I lost 44 pounds and 24 inches
I look and feel 100% better.....BP is down!
I joined Curves and now LOVE to exercise
I went down a whole size in clothes
I get compliments from people on how good I look
DH calls me "sexy" more often
I have gained respect for myself and from others
I have gained new friends here and at BEST
I have met one goal already and am on my way to the next one
I do not stress eat any more or turn to comfort foods for comfort
I have become a commited person not just by words but by action
I have become an inspiration to others
I am posting something positive in my Journal today

I think I will look at this entry every time I get discouraged like last night when my DD told me she lost 12 pounds in one month with no formal exercise on a1200 calorie diet. I will look at things like that as a positive..............I will be more motivated to achieve my long term weight goal no matter what!

Tonight my DH and I had dinner and a nice visit with a childhood friend I have not seen in about 15 years. We grew up together and have been friends since we were both 6 years old. She has lived in several different states but is now residing in Iowa. Both she and her hubby are from PA so they made a much aniticipated trip to visit with relatives, go to a class reunion and come see me and visit her old hoemtown. She looked terrific. In my emails to her I told her I was on the SBD. She never said anything to me about diets but tonight I found uot she has been on the Atkins diet since October. She lost 58 pounds and is down 4 dress sizes. She will meet her goal of 60 pounds any day now. She does go to the gym at work but prefers walking to any other form of exercise. Once again I am behind in my weight loss and have only gone down one size barely. I have come to the conclusion that I must be doing somethng wrong. Yes, I have lost weight and inches but I can't seem to find anyone who is as slow in their weight loss as me. At least I would feel better if someone would say "hey I only lost 44 pounds in 11 months!" Well seeing how good this friend looked has inspired me to forge ahead. I don't want to go down 4 sizes right now just 4 inches off the old belly so my waist looks flatter would be nice. By the way, hers looked exceptionally flat. I guess it is possible but no way will mine look like that unless a surgeon does his thing. She actually had a figure! Somthing I have not had in a long time.

Everytime I start feeling good about myself and my weight loss progress, another BEST buddy comes along with great news. I could just cry! I don't know why it is taking me so long to lose this weight and these inches. What am I doing wrong? When I read her entry on the BEST board she told us she lost 9.5 pounds and 12 1/2 inches in just 5 weeks. OMG, it took me 5 months to lose that many inches and 2 months to lose 10 pounds. I just don't get it! Everyone says I am doing good but by whose standards????? There has got to be something wrong with me. I am trying so hard. I am stuck in the upper 190's now for over a month and my first MOB dress fitting is next week. I wish there was a magical formula that I could drink that would just melt away the pounds. I know I get discouraged easily but really it is not because I am trying to get attention but because all my efforts don't yeild the results that I see in others. I know everyone is different but this is ridiculous. I hate when I whine but that is what my Journal is for. This way I don't get on people's nerves. LOL! I'll say it again...........I am trying so hard! I need a big reward like a weight loss of 5 pounds in one week. Yea, that would do it!!!!

I told an email weight loss buddy today that I am in some sort of a panic mode. I realize just how close the wedding really is and I am overwhelmed with not only the things that need to be done for that day but for the weight that I need to lose to fit into that glorious dress so alterations are at a minimum. I feel as if I am on a plateau and the pressure is on. I really truly and naively thought when I started this whole weight loss thing back last Sept. that by now I would have lost about 80 pounds instead of only 44. How dumb was that? I just never thought it would be this hard! If I didn't have this wedding hanging over my head, I probably would be just so happy and content at what I have accomplished thus far. But the added pressure of looking good for my DD is truly taking it's toll on me today. I know she doesn't care but I do. I still marvel at how SLOW my weight loss is but I am so pleased with mycommitment to staying with it. A treu accomplishment for me! And I have just about cured my "comfort" eating! Last year at this time if I were in the same situaion, I would have eaten a bag of chips or several donuts by now. So for that I am grateful. Now if I could only settle down my thoughts of panic, I would be having a nice day........

I am back and refreshed but not happy! It's not that I am mad because the weather did not co-operate but upset because I gained some weight back!!! How is it possible to gain 3 pounds in 4 days????? Yep, that's what the scale said! I know I ate the right things by SBD standards but the portions were out of control. You know how restaurants are and I wanted my money's worth. I know some of it is water retention but that's no excuse. We did walk alot and I drank as much as I could under the circumstances but it did not ward off any weight gain. And to make matter worse, my MOB dress is in and I need to try it on. UGH! I did learn a valuable lesson though...........I cannot stray from eating right. I am not made like that apparently. No binges for me, I guess! I am beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to do maintenance on the SBD. I probably will always be on some form of Phase 2 for the rest of my life if I want to get to my goal and stay there. I hate being old.......and fat...........*sigh*

I am not an inspiration!! We are all on this planet together with our own struggles and problems. I am happy if I have helped someone start on their own path to health and weight loss but please don't put me up on a pedestal. I have not succeeded fully and until then I want to be just little ole me.

Tomorrow I leave for a few days of rest and relaxation. I want to come back refreshed and ready to forge ahead. I will eat mindfully, take lots of walks along the beach and drink my water faithfully. I hope to come back the same weight as I am today. And who knows maybe even a pound thinner.

Thanks goes out to all who have supported me in my whinefest yesterday about my MOB dress. Somehow seems insignificant today in the scheme of things. I will put that problem out of my mind until I ned to deal with it after my vacation. I love all of you!!!!!

Many people have more serious problems than this but right now I could just scream! I mentioned before how thrilled I was with the MOB dress I bought on Saturday. Believe me this dress is so perfect for me, I can't say it enough. I also said how upset I was by the size I needed. I think I mentioned that I tried on a 16W which was snug around the waist to say the least. The owner of the store said she would call the company and ask them to send both an 18W and a 20W to the store and they would decide what size would be best for me. Of course, it is easier to take in a dress than to let it out. Everyone was so nice and encouraging that I got over my hissy fit about the size.

Well, today I get a call and they only have an 18W in this particular dress in navy blue. They have larger sizes in the same style but in purple. Well, I said NO WAY! I want navy blue because my DD's future MIL already has her dress and it is you guessed it........PURPLE! I am mad abut her buying her dress ahead of me and not letting me know the color but that is another story........... So now they are ordering the dress in navy size 18W and are begging me to lose more weight. The will alter it by putting a gusset in the waistline if I need it. So I guess now I won't be able to sit down, bend over or God forbid sneeze in fear that I will bust a seam. ACK! I know I could look at other dresses but I LOVE this one and want it! Any other dress would be such a disappointment.

So now I am more determined than ever to LOSE more weight. I feel like it was all for nothing. Having this problem is like getting a slap in the face for all of my hard work. My vacation is ruined because I was going to splurge a little food wise but now it will be SBD Phase One till I die! I am adding another day to my Curves routine and doing sit-ups till I lose all that flab around my belly. I AM JUST SO MAD and hurt and discouraged and sad............. Being fat is no fun! And knowing I lost weight and this happens makes me feel like a failure again. I just want to cry!

Well, I finally ventured out to buy my MOB dress. I went to a very neat boutique-like store that is about 75 minutes from my house. The store was recommended to me by a friend whose son is getting married in 2 weeks. The store is lovely and had many, many dresses to chose from. I had no clue what size to even say I was. I told the woman who waited on me that I felt I needed a size 18W but was still in the process of losing weight. She showed me a few after I told her what colors and styles I was interested in. I tried on 4........a navy one, a deep purple one, a black one and a deep burgandy one. I really went in there wanting a black one and DH like burgandy. I ended up with the first one I tried on........the navy blue one! It is gorgeous! It is me! Very elegant with a small amount of navy beading scattered all around. The jacket is more like a duster and is very sheer and flowy. They have to order me one in a bigger size. I was very frustrated and thought that I would have been in a much smaller size than I ended up with. They must make these gowns very small. Seriously! I can't imagine what size I would be in if it were last year at this time and I was at my highest weight. I still wish the dress was a size smaller than I got but it is exactly what I wanted so I must be happy. I spent a little more than I wanted to, too but hubby said it was a once in a lifetime thing so it is ok to splurge a little. Now to find shoes that will not hurt my feet for the day. Have foot issues and finding the right shoes is going to be a real challenge! I dread it but at least my feet aren't fat any more. LOL!

Today, I went to Curves and a lady was exercising near me and made a comment to my friend. She asked her if she weighed about 117 and when my friend said no, I asked this woman if that is what she weighed(believe me she looked it). When this woman answered me and said she weighed 138, I looked at her jealously and said, "that is my goal weight!" She looked at me as if I was from another planet and said, "well not my goal..........I need to be able to zip up my size 8 jeans." ACK! If you saw this gal you would wonder the same as me.........Am I crazy or has the whole world gone crazy? Why is everyone so hung up on sizes? This girl was about 5'6", pretty toned and weighed 138 and was still not happy. Does anyone out there realize how dishearteneing these words are when you need to lose 100 pounds and just want to see ladies sizes instead of plus sizes. Why do I let these people get to me????

Oh a good note, the scale said 196.4 and for the first time since I don't know when, I am able to wear my engagment ring. I am so happy about that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies, I am so glad I decided to journal my weight loss. I just wish HS had the Journal function when I first began back in Sept. You have all been so supportive and encouraging. I wish I could sit and read all of your journals as dessert to my days but that is impossible. I do read as many as I can. Thank-you for just being there. Your kind words keep me going. And if I don't respond to your journals please know that I care. Some of you have had a rough road and my stupid ramblings seem unimportant in the scheme of life. But I have been there, it's just that my hyst was 3 years ago and I have come along way culminating in this weight loss quest. Hang in there ladies as you have encouraged me. We will get through this one day at a time. Your friendships are like a big feast of love to me and this feast does not make you gain weight. You gals are the desserts of my life!

Please don't think I am wierd but as I sat in the tub the other night, I really looked at my body. Yes, I have lost over 40 pounds and many inches, yet the fat is still there in layers and layers especially around my waist. It is so gross! A Tummy tuck would help but who has money for that. Besides, I saw what my DD went through with one of those and I refuse to have another surgery that technically I don't need! But the fact remains, daily reminders of my fatter days will always be with me. It is something I guess you get used to. Hubby says he doesn't care but I do. I want to look like I did when I married him but I know that is an impossibility now. I will be ok. I know I FEEL better even if my body still mocks me. I will not give up this quest even though I will never look like I did when I was 23 or even 32. Of course, if I could afford a TT and saw the reslts I would want my thighs and upper arms done too and I guess it would never end. So I will be satisfied for who I am and not what I am.....still fat after all these months!

My reward bauble finally came in the mail today. As I mentioned previously, I chose a Tiger's eye ring set in sterling silver from QVC. It was not expensive at all dollars and cents wise but expensive in it's meaning to me. Everytime I wear it, I will be reminded of how proud I am of myself for setting a goal and meeting it. You have no idea how often I have failed at goals but most especially at diet ones. I still do not know where this determination came from and I marvel at the fact that it has not waned despite my feelings of frustration. I cannot tell you how facinated I am by all of this. So everytime I wear my new ring I will smile and say to myself "a job well done."
Now I must continue on to the next reward for my next goal. I am thinking of maybe a new outfit, one that I can wear to my DD's bridal shower in Sept. I also need one for her shower in VA and one for the rehearsal dinner. I think I better go and set a FEW more goals to keep up with these new clothes I so desperatly need.

Well, today was another weigh-in day at Curves as it always is around the 10th of the month. Down another 4 pounds and 1 and 3/4 inches for a total of 42 pounds and 24 inches since Sept. Still slow but sure and I am happy with that. My home scale read 197.6 and the Curves one read 198 so pretty close and I am pleased with that as well.

Now I must tell you a cute story.............Shirley is an older woman I have met at Curves who is a real whoot! All the ladies love her!She is a big teaser if you know what I mean. Today, she insisted that I weighed the same as her. I said NO WAY! Well, she made a bet with me and I told her I would win. She kept insisting we weighed about the same. Finally, she came to me privately and told me what she weighed. Ha! Ha! I was right and I won!!!!! I was 30 pounds more than her. She was so surprised and told me I didn't look it. Now she has to come up with some sort of surprise for me because I won the bet. It made me feel good that I look thinner than I actually am but then again maybe she needs new glasses.

When I first joined HS over 3 years ago, I thought I was the only one(silly me) that was an overweight "fluffy" woman. That term fluffy just cracks me up! I guess because most of my close friends were thinner than me, I thought most of you sisters were thinner than me as well. I am just amazed at how many of us are so called fluffy. I feel a real sisterhood with each one of you. I am not making fun here just feeling relieved that I am not alone. I feel comfortable in your presence and happy that you can relate to me, because unless you have been there you have no idea how being overweight can cause stress. I wonder if everyone sees fat people the same way???? I have never felt discriminated personally by someone else, thank God but I have heard it exists. I feel compassion for overweight people but in some cases I discriminate, too. That happnes when I see very, very large people and I wonder how they let themselves get that way. But then I think maybe some very thin people have looked at me that way and I find compassion some where deep in my soul for all of us who are truely overweight. Getting older or balder or grayer is something you cannot control but getting fatter is. That is why I avoided seeing some people who I haven't seen in a long time because I did not want them to see me this way. And yet when I see some of them who have gained weight I say to myself or DH........."wow, so in so really got fat." What a hippocrite I am!

Yes, it is 4 months until my DD's wedding! Wow, how time flies. When she first told us the wedding date, it was in January and I thought "we have lots of time, the wedding is 10 months away." Well, no more. We seem to be up to date on all the wedding things that need to be done thus far. Except for my weight loss............it is sooooooooo slow and far behind my original schedule. I seem to be losing only about 3 pounds a month now, so I have decided as of Thursday to start back on Phase One of the SBD. That will give me two weeks prior to going away for a few days to the beach to jump start my metabolism again. Weigh-in at Curves is on Friday so that works out well. I cannot wait to see how much I can lose in 2 weeks again. I will try and be good on my vacation when I go back to Phase Two. I just hope I don't kill my hubby like I did last time when I was on Phase One. It was rough! LOL! If he gets mad enough at me, he just may go on vacation by himself! I will keep you all up to date on my progress. I figure if I did it once, I can do it again. But this time I know how really hard it is. Wish me luck! I must keep in mind it will be worth it in the long run.........

In my so-called goodie cupboard, there is a bag of potato chips, barbeque at that, that has been there for several days. It is for the fourth of July picnic on Sunday. It has not called out my name as in years gone by, it does not tempt me like the devil and to be honest I could care less that it is there. Same goes for hubby who was often called by my DD the "chip king." I guess the lack of cravings on the SBD does work. I can look at the bag several times a day and nothing, nada, no desire for just one salty treasure. I am amazed. Dr. Agaston would be so proud. After pondering this for the last few hours, I guess buying that bauble to reward myself has other rewards as well. I do not feel guilty for buying it and I know everytime I wear it it will remind me of how far I have come. I chose a simple sterling silver ring with a tiger's eye in it. The "eye" of my conscience so to speak. When I look in to it's eye, it will speak to me and say "good job!" It will wink at me when I pass up those chips and it will gleam at me when I reach my next goal.........

OK, I did it! I broke the 200 pound barrier and weighed in at home on my new scale at 198.8 this morning. My official weigh-in is next Friday at Curves but for now I am glowing in my accomplishment. I remember saying awhile ago that I would treat myself to a bauble when I reached my first weight loss goal. Today I will be checking out QVC to see what tickles my fancy. I deserve it! It was a long and grueling road and soon I may see the end of the tunnel for me.
My next goal is a shorter one.......only a 11 pounds to 188. That is the last lowest weight I remember being in recent years if you count 23 years as recent. LOL! Thay is what I weighed right after I had my twin sons. I lost 50 pounds quite rapidly then but what I had to go through was not easy. I had to have an emergency C-section for placenta abruptio and then lost one of my sons to stillbirth. At my 6 week check-up I remember being 191 and hoped I would go down from there. I stayed in that area for some time but became even more hopelessly overweight in the next 23 years.
Well, no more. I am gonna be thinner and healthier. Thanks to the BEST ladies and to you, my Journal friends. YOU GUYS ROCK! You have made my journey an easier one just by being there especially whan I gave up hope and whined incessantly. So my motto for today is this........today is the first day of the rest of my thinner self!

Well, ladies I am oh so near that 199 number. I finally checked out my scale with the Curves scale today and found out a funny thing. I weighed the same at Curves fully dressed as I did at home totally naked. So I am hovering around that 200 mark with a downward swing. It is gonna happen this week but my official recording will be what the numbers say when I get weighed and measured on or around the 9th. Just knowing that my first goal will be met makes me feel like I have really accomplished something. Thanks ladies for all the support I get from you. Makes keeping this Journal worthwhile. This weekend will be a busy one so I won't have time to think about eating and scales. Keeping busy is the secret to not eating as boredom is my downfall. Boredom.....nothing to keep me occupied means looking in the fridge or cupboard. Nope not this weekend. And maybe, just maybe on Monday morning I will get on Mr. Scale and he will shout ever so loudly with that "beep" of his and say 199........199....199

I rarely write in my journal every day let alone twice in one day but I just have to vent. My neighbor and good friend and Curves buddy just riled me up so much that I needed to write it down before I either explode or go on an eating binge. We were just chatting and she said she dreaded having to put on her bathing suit today so she could take her girls swimming at our local pool. I was confused as to why. This woman is only 40, very pretty and looks terrific since joining Curves with me back in Sept. She is 5' 3", weighs 131 and has a 27 inch waist!!!! I know this is true because I am there in the room when we get weighed and measured at Curves. She is a size 6 for God's sake! When I answered her back and said I didn't understand the problem with the bathing suit, here is what she said........."well, I hate going there(the pool) because I see alot of ladies I know there who are my age or even older and have 4 kids and they have such flat bellies and can wear a bikini and I can't." Now she pulls on her belly to show me the so-called flab. I told her even if I could wear a bikini(haven't since I was 16) that I don't think it is appropriate for an older woman with kids to wear one. JMHO! She answered me back that she felt that way too, but she would just love to know she could wear one any way. Ladies, I weigh 200 and would kill just to be a size 16 and this woman complains to me that she can't wear a bikini!!!!!!!! Is it me???? I cannot understand this!!!!! Do thin people still think they are fat? The most she ever weighed was 150 during her pregnancies. I started out my first pregnancy 12 pounds more let alone how I ended up after my twins! Is it me????? Please tell me I am being rational and she is well........coming undone or obssessed. It's funny though I never see her pass up a piece of cake..........

Today I got to thinking of what used to make me want to run and find anything I could to eat when I was stressed or mad or disappointed. I came up mostly with family issues as the core or root of my over indulging and mindless eating. You know....going to the fridge or cupboard to look for food when you weren't really hungry but needed something to calm you down or comfort you. I suppose all of us have those family "issues" that just get to you! We are close and then maybe not so close. Before my Dad died, I know that made me overeat because the stress of seeing him fail was too much for me. My Moms' chronic anxiety also sent me over the edge many a day. My kids gave me cause every so often but now that they are on their own, that is not a problem any more. Hubby just likes to eat, so that causes problems of it's own.
But today, my brother let me down as he always does and I didn't run to the kitchen to see what I could eat. I dealt with the situation and food did not even enter my mind. I still have to sit here and talk and write about it because I am human and I have feelings, but food did not enter the picture. I am not saying food will not come to comfort me in the very near future, but I have come a long way to looking at food as nourishment not as comfort. Wow, I am making progress. I hope some of you know what I am talking about and how families can cause you to destroy your own psyche. In my case I ATE! I don't want to sound like I am blaming them for my obesity, I just am trying to understand the complex ME! and why I did what I did to cope. Does that make sense?????

Well, hubby and I had a talk about last Friday when he threw a fit because I did not eat much at the graduation party. I knew why he was mad and he admitted it to me. He feels it is being rude not to eat much at a party after the people went through all the work to prepare things and then you don't eat. I told you he is obsessed with food! I said if everyone there didn't eat then I would understand his feelings but there were over 50 guests and they all ATE! So he promised me from now on he will respect my food choices no matter where we eat. I told him I am on a roll now and I don't want to lose my momentum. He will be happy tonight..........I finally got the SBD Cookbook in the mail today. I looked through it and found some yummy recipes. They will be a nice change of pace. I even found one for pork chops(which I hate) that sounds good. I will let you know. I also weighed myself again today. I know, I know, now I'm obsessed, but the scale said 200.4......down 1.4 pounds from Saturday. Woohoo!

Well, I finally won and recieved a new cool digital bathroom scale. It is not the one I mentioned earlier here but a better than the one I had before. I had to laugh.....the postage was more than the scale itself. Now I must see if the weight I am at home is the same as on the scale at Curves. I will check that out someday this week by weighing myself right before I leave my house and then weigh myself immediately when I get to Curves. I hope and pray they are close in their readings so I don't have to make adjustments to my true weight. I plan on weighing myself more frequently now and posting my results either here in my Journal or on the BEST board or maybe even both. This way I can really keep track of my slow but steady weight loss. I also will always journal my Curve weigh-ins because they are the true predictions of my journey from fatland. So this AM I weighed myself in the nude as soon as I got up. I was exactly 201.8 pounds..........so close to my first goal of 199. Can that new bauble be close behind? Stay tuned...........

My DH is usually the best! We have been married for 27 years and he has always been supportive of me as I have been of him. But tonight he got me so MAD! We went to a graduation party and I knew it might be tough tonight to find things that I can have on the SBD. When my choices were very limited, I just filled my plate with 2 things. He got mad because he saw that I was disappointed I could not eat that much and he said "one night of eating isn't going to kill you!" He had such disgust in his eyes like I was making a big deal out of it of which I wasn't. And then what happens when the second night comes along? Sunday we will be in the same situaton because we are invited to a retirement party. Am I supposed to just eat what is there and lose ground on all that I have accomplished. Then what happens next week and the following week and before you know it I will be a blimp again! This man and his love of food!!!! Why can't he see how determined I am? All I wanted him to say was "I feel bad there isn't much here you can eat but I am proud of you for stricking to your diet." Doesn't he realize if I slip up I will be doomed because the carb cravings will come back to haunt me.

You are probably wondering what sex has to do with my journal about weight loss. Well, let me explain. For the longest time I almost was embarassed to have sex because I was so fat. Now mind you hubby never complained but I just felt so unsexy. Now that I have lost some weight and have toned up alot, my hubby keeps telling me how good I look and calls me "sexy." But more and more I realize it was not only the excess weight as much as I have no and I mean NO libido. I even posted about it in the Oasis forum. I have never been one who cared about sex that much but this feeling of total "deadness" inside is killing me. I need to call my doctor about finding a solution. I don't want my DH to ever think that it is him who I don't want. It is me who doesn't want it! Being fat has nothing to do with it. Maybe deep down inside I used my weight as an excuse. I am so sad about this..........I know it is common among many women..........misery in numbers I guess. I always thought my "empy nest" years would be so free and fun in this area. You know, no kids around. Ack! getting old is the pits!

Before finding Curves, exercise was a four letter word to me. How I hated it. I tried a walking tape, treadmill, weights and nothing thrilled me. It was more of a bore and a chore than fun. I have heard of people getting addicted to exercise and thought........are they nuts??? LOL! The ONLY form of exercise I did was walk. Because I don't drive, I walked just to get places but never realized how much it kept me in shape. There were times I must have walked 2 to 3 miles a day and never thought about it as exercise per se. I still like to walk with hubby or a friend. I find it rewarding and yes even fun! But Curves is the best. Today was my last morning session for awhile. My Curves buddy has 2 small girls home from school now so we will be going in the evenings. I said good-by till Sept. to some of the lovely ladies and friends I have met since joining in Sept. But it is better to go anytime than not go at all. I have I told you before that I just love Curves?? LOL! And guess what? I am ADDICTED! Never ever thought I say that about any exercise ever!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sure helps with the weight loss and my confidence level has soared. Maybe that is why I love it so! Met some nice ladies, too.

I justread over my last few entries and wondered.....How did I get this way? From a very skinny young girl to an overweight 51 year old? I am not sure of the answer but I just know that when I graduated from high school I was 107 lbs. at 5'4". Way too thin! I had pointy elbows and you could run a Mack truck through my thighs. I did gain weight in Nursing school..........much needed weight. I used to smile at my friends who went on silly diets back then. I guess I thought I would never need one. Well, the joke was on me!
According to Weight Watchers, I should weigh about 139 so when I graduated from college I was about that. Through my working years as an L&D nurse, I remember fluctuating between 135 and 145. I distinctly remember that I was 144 when I met my hubby back in 76 because a friend and I were trying to watch our weight. I wanted to lose 10 pounds back then.......
Then my dear sweet hubby came along. He was the best! But he was OBSESSED with food!!!!! Till this day he can remeber places we have eaten and what we had for dinner. I don't even remember being there let alone what we ate. I cannot blame my weight gain on him though. After all, he didn't hold a gun to my head and said EAT!
When I got married I weighed a whopping 162. They kept having to leave my gown out. I got pregnant right away and after I delivered my DD, I remained in the 160's for a time. Somewhere between her birth and my twin son's birth 3 years later I found myself in the 190's. I stayed around 200 for many years.
Then most recently, probably when I quit work at a daycare, had menstrual problems, fell into a depression about alot of things to numerous to mention but let's just say illnesses of hubby and my Dad, led me to blimp up to 240 pounds. And that's where I was when I strated my weight loss quest last Sept. Perhaps I should have started my journal with this post but I don't think I was ready then to pour my heart out and admit on paper how fat I had become.

I can remember 2 years ago when the possibility of my DD getting married was there, I said to myself that I better lose weight. But as usual with things in my life, I put it off. Then when that relationship soured, I thought well, what's the point! But last summer, when I hit an all time low, I decided to start my weight loss quest on my own for me alone. What a nice surprise it was then that my DD got engaged in January and I was already well on my way. This weekend, she and her fiance were home finalizing some wedding details. They are so in love and he is such a nice guy. He is alot like my hubby so that is good, too. I am actually getting excited now and looking forward to buying a dress for the big day. A year ago I would have said "ugh!' to any kind of shopping for clothes. I cannot decide what color to wear and as for the size, well we will see. I want to be out of the plus sizes and finally look at a 16 maybe. Hubby thinks I should wear burgandy but I am still hooked on black. I guess because you always look thinner in black. LOL! Who knows, maybe I will shock everyone with the color as well as the size. I think I am going to wait until late August or early Septemeber to really try on things. In the neantime, I am just happy with the fact that I will be proud of myself when I walk down that aisle in November.

Well, another weigh-in day at Curves has come around again. I had a feeling deep down inside that I did not lose another 5 pounds like I did last month. I was so right.............down only 3 more pounds but 1 1/2 inches! It seems when I slow down on the pounds lost I move up on the inches lost. Makes sense! Total loss now is 38 pounds but even more impressive I think is the 22 1/2 inches gone! I have been eating OP SBD foods but I think I need to control my portions more. I have been walking beside Curves and I am thinking about ordering this new Hula Hoop! It is huge and weighted in 3 varying degrees. We have a 3 pound one at Curves but I thought maybe I'd order a 1 1/2 pound one for myself here at home. You are supposed to be able to lose 2 inches from your waist in one months doing it 20 minutes a day. I did win a new scale on ebay and am waiting for it to come in the mail. Then I can weigh myself at home more accurately whenever I want to.

Wow, I not only went down a size in my clothes but in my bra and shoes as well. Today I am literally walking out of a pair of shoes that seem to fit me fine just a few weeks ago. I also looked at a picture of myself from last year at my son's college graduation . I was wearing the same sweater set I am wearing today. What a difference!!!!! On the picture I was "busting" out of it. Today it looks fabulous on me if I say so myself. My rings are falling off of me and other jewelry fits better. I guess I am doing good! Somtimes I have to remind myself this and look at what I have accomplished rather than what I have to lose yet. Five Months today till DD's wedding..........

I knew HS was great for its support of ladies both pre and post hyst and beyond. I just never knew that I would get that same kind of support from the BEST board. Yesterday when I posted how blah I felt many of those great gals emailed or PM me to give me their love and support. One of them even called me to encourage me to keep going. I cannot disappoint them now! Weight loss really has its ups and downs. You can be so up because of those MO moments and then be so down because you don't know what to make besides grilled chicken. LOL! I heard yesterday on TV that men can lose weight all on their own but women need group support. How true is that!!!!!!!!!! Thanks BEST gals!! You have no idea how important you are in this phase of my life. I will be forever grateful! And this journaling is also a fantastic way of letting out your feelings in a way that makes you see the light. It's like a cathartic because sometimes when you put things in writing it somehow brings you peace and understanding.

I can't put my finger on it, but I am in a "blue" mood and I don't know why. I think the diet has finally gotten to me. Last night I freaked out on my hubby because I didn't know what else to make with the grilled chicken we were having. I have run out of ideas. If it were just me here alone, I could manage. I just feel bad sometimes that I kinda forced my dietary restrictions on my DH. Not that he minds believe me but I guess that is the caretaker in me. He needs to lose weight just as much as I do but sometimes I think he wishes we could go back to eating the old way. Maybe he doesn't and I just THINK he does......do you know what I mean? Then I read where one of the BEST gals started the SBD in May and lost 18 pounds in one month. It took me 4 months to lose that much weight. Why do I get discouraged so easily......

Weekends......especiallly holday weekends! I got to learn to plan out my meals like I do during the week! I let them get to me and then I eat things not allowed on the SBD! I must get better at that if I want to continue to lose weight. Sometimes I think having gastric bypass surgery would have been easier! You have no choice then as to what you can and cannot eat. Ok, it's a new week and a new month. Onward!!

WooHoo! I am officially down a size ............. from a 2X to a 1X! The shorts are a little snug but not uncomfortable. Belly is still not co-operating as is the rest of my body but I will get there. More abdominals needed. I cannot believe it! Now I am more determined than ever to keep this weight loss going. Official weigh in is next Wed.(the 9th) and my hope is still that I have met my first goal of 199. If I keep posting that number it will keep me focused. 199.....199.....199...........

Yep, today the 28th of May is my anniversary. This has nothing to do with weight issues just commitment issues. I LOVE my hubby and no matter what weight we are we still stay committed. Tomorrow night we will celebrate with a nice dinner out. This is my pitfall......eating out. I will try and stay OP! I am allowed red wine on the SBD so I will have one glass. We are going to a fancy Mexican place sooooooo. I will try and be good. I wished I weighed what I weighed when I got married.....about 40 pounds less than today. My wedding day weight is one of my goal weights but I have 2 before I even get there. The first one should be very soon. The holiday weekend will be a challenge but one I am willing to meet. The weather here in PA is supposed to be glorious so I will walk off any extra calories I might consume. I am thinking positive......I will be OP, I will be OP, I will be OP!!!!!!!!!