I sent my husband off today, to say his goodbyes to his mother. I have commitments that forced me to stay behind. I really think I would rather not see her now, and I spoke to one of the sisters here the other day, and she was SO right when she said that My MIL knows how I feel.
I think it is sad, that such a caring and compassionate husband and father can be put in such a difficult situation with his parents. His Dad is his Moms primary care giver, and so she never did anything to upset the FIL. He told me once (the FIL) that he was my father. How dare he try to even take the place of my dad, this is a man that has fathered children, 4 of them, and daddyed none. he was not and remains a very difficult and sorry human. He assumed that he was my father. He could never fill my daddys shoes, let alone stand beside my father and try to be one tenth the man my dad was. I feel much sorrow, for he has lost ALL of his children to his bitterness, and now he is about to loose his wife. He will be alone in the world, with nobody. Maybe this is what he wants and deserves. They say what goes around comes around, and I believe it to be true.

Well last week was crap. Sherri, my long time and best girlfriend in the world, was told she has a lump in her neck, she goes to see the radiologist this friday. What a bummer. I feel so helpless, as I am sure she felt when I was dealing with cancer. She is scared, and so are her kids, and her husband, well he is just beside himself.
The family from Calif called this week to inform us that MIL is dying. Hospice has been called and it wont be long now. This woman was there for me when my own mother was not, she taught me so many things. some about life, and relationships, and alot about marriage, and the sacrifices that are made for the ones you love. She will forever have a place in my heart. I will forever miss her soft skin, her infectious laugh, her stubborn streak, and her mishcief. She adored my kids, and they adored her. My kids are older now, and have had to face the reality that grandpa will not allow them to see grandma anymore, and know ing that these are her final days, that is difficult for them. MIL has suffered many years with a non cancerous brain tumor, that has reavealed itself several times over the last 45 years, this one being the last. It has ravaged her body, and taken her mind. But if I know my MIL (And I do) she will not let it take her spirit. That belongs to GOD, she has been through some very bad time here on earth and I have to believe that God has made her a very special place in heaven, where there is so much beauty, she will become overwhelmed. I will miss you dearly, mom, God speed, and well talk again some day... I love you.

Dear Journal
I have an unexpected day off today, and really dont know what to do with myself. The weather here is snowing and quite cold, and I was so looking forward to spring.
I have alot of things I could be doing today, but I think I will take a day and pamper myself, after all, I am worth it. I think I will schedule a pedicure and a massage. maybe even a facial....
Sounds like my day is planned, and just a second ago, I didnt know what to do. What a difference a minute makes.............
Talk again soon...............

Thanks Julia- Is there anything that you do to mentally tell yourself you must journal?
I am having such a hard time doing this. I dont know why. I have a few more things to do tonight and then I have a candle party to attend, I gotta go, its being given by my boss-Ugh.
I wish you all a good weekend, and I will try to get back tomorrow,with the latest.
hugs

I find it so hard these days to keep this journal current. I thought I better do this today.
Over the last couple of days I have found a compelling desire to get in touch with a couple of very dear old friends. I used to work with them many years ago and we had some really good times. I thought it was time to let them know how important they were to me, and how I miss them to this day. They are well and strong both physically and mentally. and it was so good to get to talk to them. I was glad that I have influenced their lives as much as they have influenced mine. I will always consider them very dear friends, and I was glad that I had the opportunity to share their importance to me with them. I will never let a friend come into my life that does not know how I feel about them. Life is to short.
Bill, and Bart, I love you both................

Yesterday I recieved an email from one of my sisters, and it was a very nice surprise. I wanted to say a few things about that. My day was quiet, as my son is still very angry at me, and hes punishing me, I guess of making my point. I got online to *talk* to my sisters, and there it was, an e-mail from one of the nicest sister I have had the pleasure of never meeting. I guess she has been following my journal, and she thinks that never missing another sunrise is a good idea. She has also had Cancer, but her attitude seems to be much better than mine,and she seems to be more positive. She however, has had a reoccurance,and I'm sure that has been rough, as I remain cancer free. But I wanted to let everyone know what a beautiful bright spot she was in my day yesterday. I made a promise to myself, that I would never forget or ignore the little things, and this was a little thing, that brought me great joy. Sister, you know who you are-- and you are great!!!

Yesterday was a mess, I felt as though everthing I touched went bad, and to top that off, I was having(what I call) one of my BLAH days, I'm sure you know those days, the ones that make you wish you would have stayed in bed.
My DS and I got into a huge fight, about a x-box.What a stupid thing to fight over, he had his chioce for x-mas between that and a i-pod, and he chose the i-pod, now he has decided he needs an x-box. I just went well I guess the best word for it would be--postal--I cant believe that I let that silly kid, and all of his wants get under my skin like that! Kids can be so demanding, and so self centered sometimes, I know alot of it is our fault as parents, overindulging the kid, and spoiling him rotten, But I just cant believe I allowed this to ruin my entire day.
I replyed to a post earlier that was about kids, and I think that put alot of things in perspective for me,,,, I do have great kids, they are not in trouble, they are kind and considerate, and polite, they are not into drugs or drinking or smoking, they are both good students. So what do I have to complain about right???
Nothing. I'm done!

Today I feel so relieved I cannot even begin to descibe. I am off work today enjoying the day and waiting for the sun to come up. I promised myself since the cancer diagnosis I would try not to miss another sunrise. I guess its symbolic in a way, to let me know that a new day is beginning, and I can never let that out of focus. I need to keep both feet planted firmly on the ground, and look ahead, to a new life, a life without cancer, a free life. a healthy life. My CA125 results are in, and I am once again standing on the roof screaming for all the world to hear, that I am cancer free, and I got a 5!!!!! Yahoo.
I love this day, I love my life, and I love this website, and everybody in it.

I am back to journalling after falling off the journalling bandwagon. I will try to be better this time, and write more often.
I went back to the doc on Monday the 10th, had another CA125 and I am awaiting the results. I have been having alot of anxiety over this test. Much more this time than the time before. I dont know why. I guess I am probably being nervous over nothing but will continue to be until the result come in.
My husband bought me a new car yesterday. Wow is it pretty. I wasnt in the need but he spoils me so bad that he thought it was time.
I am still awaiting a responce from my soldier, I was hoping to have recieved a letter by now, but so far-nothing. I realize that it takes a while for the letter to be recieved but I was just hoping that I would have already heard something. Maybe today.
I am anxious-can you tell?
Well I gotta get ready for work today and I havent accomplished a thing yet, so I gotta get going. My sister is coming after I get home, and I want everything to be just so. I cant wait to see her. she is my rock.
Bye for now.

I'm sorry you had trouble with the link. Go to Google, thats the search engine I used, and type in www.mysoldier.com, it should take you to the home page where all the information is and you should be able to get started from there... Good luck, Happy pen-paling, and please let me know if this one works for you.....
snickers

Hi there, and thanks for all of you that are interested in adopting a soldier.... The name of the website is www.mysoldier.com, and the participation is free. Just go to the website and fill out the forms, and they will put you on the list to give you the name and address of a soldier that you can write to, stationed overseas. Although the soldier that recieves your letter is under no obligation to write back to you, they will still receive your letters, and care packages(if you choose to send these) but all the guidelines are discussed when they e-mail you the contact information. And I just want to ssay thanks to all of you who choose to participate, because I think it is a noble cause, these men and women are ever there protecting our freedom, and its the least we could do to bring them a little peice of comfort from home... Thank you all again, and let me know how it goes for you

I have decided to correspond, kinda like pen pals with a soldier over in Iraq, I think that it would be interesting for me, to find out what the day to day life of someone that is defending my freedoms, and sacrificing so much for me to have it. I want to know everything about the experience, what they eat, what they wear, the weather, the solitude, the friendships the losses-- ALL of it. I hope that I can in some way help them cope with being so far away from home, and maybe bring a little smile to their faces, with a small care package, or the sunday comics.... I am truly excited about this. I think it is one very small way for me to give back a little, to someone who has given so much- I 'll letcha know how it goes................

I havent written for quite a few days, the holidays got in the way. But I'm back! I am so relieved the holidays are over, I just go through the motions, as I really struggle since Dad passed, but its behind me now, time to move on. I am anxious to get started on the new year, I still have a little of unfinished buisness for the year 2004, but mostly I am caught up, and am looking forward to a new year, a new start, and best of all a new me. You know some of the best lessons are the hardest learned, in my case anyway. I am so lucky. I know this, but I am letting lifes craziness get in the way again, and I will try to do better. I am going to get everything on track, and be a better me!
love and hugs to ALL

Havent made a journal post for a few days, have been struggling, and didnt have the desire to write, and didnt know what to say. The back pain is almost unbearable today, I cant sleep and I get very uncomfortable just laying in bed, have tried heat, to no avail. I got some of the holiday baking done, but I was hurting so bad I had to stop. I really need so help or advice on this pain, but dont have an appt. with doc until next year(thats sounds forever away from today) I really dont like to call and bother him, he has been so good to me, I dont want to become a thorn in his side. I guess I will retire to the heating pad again, and see if I can get into reading or something to get my mind off this pain... Post again soon.

I am such a holiday grump, I just cant make myself behave... I dont like being this way, although I just cant bring myself to enjoy the holidays. I know I need to do this for my kids, but I cant.
Today is finally Friday, I am so relieved, as now I get a break from work, whew, 16 days vacation.I can get through today, I'm good to go!
I have to start the holiday baking tomorrow, as I have some deliveries to make on Sat&Sun, but I enjoy that part of the holidays, so I guess its not a total loss.

I am already looking forward to friday, this has been an emotional week, and also very tiring. I cant seem to get caught up with all the things that need doing, and I have not had 1 ounce of holiday spirit. I wonder sometimes if all the holiday bussle is worth it, it seems as though we expend so much energy, running and being to all the parties, and doing the shopping, and sending the cards, and yada, yada. It just seems that the energy could be better spent. I know I am a grinch, and I just cant seem to get rid of the grinchiness, I know what Christmas is truly about, and I think I just need to focus on that, and everthing else will fall into place. hoping today will be better than it has started... And by the way, my DH says I am being MEAN--- hmmmm

Good evening, I got an email from my girlfriend in Alaska today and she told me she was pregnant, and that her grandmother died, Wow, I am so happy for her that she is finally pregnant, she has been trying so hard and for so long, and I am mourning her loss as well, I didnt know her grandmother but am fairly sure I would have loved her, and so she has to leave her family and go to Texas for the funeral, I feel so helpless from all these many miles away, I wish I was clsoer, so that I could comfort her in some way, or make her some dinner or something, I just feel like I need to be with her. I hope she realizes that I love her, and that if I could be with her I would. May God be with you Calisha, as I cannot.... I guess the revelation for today would be, no matter how bad you want some things, they are just out of reach.

Good morning Journal, I made it thru the holiday week from h***, I survived, the bit about going out with my DH, was very uplifting, I think I needed some time alone with him, its funny how life and work and kids and the day to day stuff gets in the way of us being a COUPLE. I miss that most of all. I think sometimes that it would be nice to run away, but I know my responsibilities are here with my family, but its okay to day dream, about some far and distant land, where there are no bills, no worries........... hmmm. I thank God every day that he has allowed me to stay on this planet, and I have vowed to make it a worthwhile stay, a good stay, but some days, and weeks are tough to get through. I think when I come home from work today, I will get in my bed and cover myself up, and take a much needed rest, I feel overwhelmed today already, and I'm not sure why. Ive been catching every bug that has been floating through the air too, and have been feeling a bit under the weather for the last couple of days, so maybe, thats why I am feeling so out of sorts. Just one more week, and then I get some much needed time to regroup........talk again tomorrow..............

Whew, I made it through another week, and a busy one at that. All the christmas parties are over, and all the friendships were renewed for another year. My husbands cristmas party was bittersweet for me, as one of his co-workers, that I was REALLY close to lost her short battle with cancer this past Oct. I missed having her at the party, and I miss her kind and loving spirit. I miss you Rae. I went out to dinner last night with the ladies that I used to work with at my other job, It was good to see them again, and rekindle those friendships. I have a close bond with all of them, as they were pivotal in my recovery. I miss them all, but am glad that God has allowed me to be here to share the holidays with them, and my family. I continue to learn and be taught life lessons, by some of the most unsuspecting people in my life, that It keeps my eyes open, at all times. I will have a very uneventful week, as I go through it, I will think of all the friends that have made it possible for me to go through another week, I love you all.....

Today is it, journal, I have officially been cancer free for 6 months. 6 months ago today I had the surgery, and it seems like forever, and then on the other hand it seems like just yesterday. I think as every passing day goes by, I feel stronger, more at peace with myself, more passionate about things that are important, and more willing to let stuff go that isnt. I have found out alot of stuff about myself on this journey, some of which I liked, and alot of which I am going to change, or have changed, but most importantly I have found that I am a very strong person, I have beat this cancer for now, and I never thought I could do it. I have a few bad days, but the good out numbers the bad now. I feel this tremendous amount of peace, and peace is good............

The week is almost over, I have only 2 matches and 2 parties left to attend this week. I have to admit it has been fun, but I am about worn out. My belly is still swelling after a day (and half the night) of being on my feet. My back has also been really sore, have used heating pad but only minimal relief. I gotta keep going as it is important to my son, and my husband, but some days I feel as though I could sleep for 16 months. (straight) I will aslo be celebrating another milestone on friday, and I couldn't be happier.. It has been exactly 6 months since the surgery, and six months of being cancer free... Whoo Hoo...... yipeee. Thanks to eveyone who has supported me though this......... I love you all!!!!

After quitting my job, back in September, I felt as though I was never going to find a place to BE......... I went to work about a month ago, and I think I have found a new home. The ladies that I work with have taken me in and made me feel as though I belong. I am grateful for each and every one of them. This road that I have been on has been a difficult one. to say the least, but I am finding what and who is important now, and I promise myself that I will waste not one more day with all the people places and things that are negative- Life is TRULY to short to be surrounded with things that dont have a positive impact on me. I am truly on my way to healing myself, and being healed..... I finally get it....... and its only taken 44 years............

thank you both so much for the kind words of encouragement, I feel as thought I need a gentle nug most days, as there are still many days that I feel as though facing the world is just to much for me to bear. Thank you again.....
Back to work today, as it is Monday, and I have another week ahead, I have many plans for this week, including a couple of Christmas parties and a couple of wrestling meets (my son is turning into quite the wrestler) I hope I can find the strength to pull this week off without a hitch, as it gets closer to the holiday my mood goes in the toilet, as I think of Dad.... I miss you Dad, everyday of my life. I dont want you to think I am angry at you for leaving, as I know you were very tired, but I will always miss you and I feel that you are still with me for advice, and I need your advice so much lately. I know you are here with me, even in my darkest days, I know you can hear me, and that you listen... If I grow old, and become half the person that you were when you left, I will feel as though I accomplished something that I can be proud of, you are now and will forever be my HERO. Well, Journal, I gotta keep on keepin' on, I got so many things to get done before the sun arises and its time to head off to work.....

I became a crown jewel today, and thought I would put a few of my thoughts on cyber paper.
I cant believe that I have come this far since the diagnosis that knocked me off my feet. CANCER--- me???? I have had several months to think about this, and several months to process this information. I think the thing that I have found most important, is the positive attitude, and a few very good friends and family, and what they have taught me. first off, my DH, he has been there from the beginning, listening to my endless ramblings about how I feel, and what info I discovered on Hysters today, to helping me as I stuggle with the unknown future, the distant libido issues, and supporting me whatever I decided to do, whether it be, sit for the entire day in front of the computer, quit my job, get another job, or lay around in my Jammies all day because I just didnt feel like facing the world.... Thank you for all the love and support you have so unselfishly bestowed upon me, you are my Rock!!!!! To my two beautiful children---- While my future is very uncertain,I want you both to know that I love you with all of my being-everything that I am.... as you move slowly from young adolecents, to adults, I want you both to know that I will always be here, if not in body, in spirit to help guide you in your young lives, and will support you in whatever you decide to do. To sher-bear, thank you for always listening to me, and mothering me, the way we do to each other whenever our lives take a sharp turn. I know both of our mothers failed us in so many ways, and I think that is why God has brought us together, so that we can mother each other through some of the rough times.. we grow and take from each other what we need, and always seem to have an unconditional love that shows no boundries.... I love you. To Linda-- What can I say, we have taken different paths now, but I so want to remain close and share the friendship that we have nutured and carefully preserved over the last fourteen years, please allow me to do this.... you will forever have a place in my heart... And last but not least--- you sis, you have been a constant support, when I was in turmoil over being motherless, and hurting from all the bad decisions, you were the one to pick up the pieces.... whether it be broken hearts, or furniture, you were there.... Thank you...
I want to take this experience and grow from it, not be bitter, and ask my self why me, but be thankful that God has gotten me here, a place that I can sit back and reflect upon starting over, and learning to go forward, not back, and never waisting another minute, another sunrise, another sunset, another hug, another kiss, another chance to be me.... In all my glory!