Today is my 3 year hysterversary! I have no regrets, had a wonderful, easy recovery, and I feel great now! I didn't realize until after surgery (and recovery) how truly terrible I felt before. I was tired all the time - I'd get home from work and have to take a nap before I could fix dinner, then after dinner I'd have to take a nap on the couch, and then go to bed. I dragged through my days, and my moods were a constant hormone roller coaster. Heck, I didn't even like being around me, I feel sorry for all those who had to put up with me!

Today I'm hormonally balanced, no bladder issues, and none of the other problems that a lot of ladies worry about before surgery. DH and I bought new bikes last year and ride several times a week (in the summer, it's a little tough in the winter ) I walk on my treadmill at least 3 times a week for 45 minutes

I have no regrets at all about having surgery.

Every day I read posts from women who are mourning the loss of their uterus. I don't get it. I don't understand mourning the loss of the uterus. I can understand if a woman had never been able to have children mourning the loss of any possibility of having a child, but when I read posts from women who are truly mourning the loss of the uterus itself, feeling less than womanly because they no longer have periods, or actually MISS having periods?? I JUST DON'T GET IT!!!!

I never appreciated having periods, it didn't make me feel like a woman. I remember very clearly the day my first period started, I mourned then - felt that my life was over. I sure wasn't thinking "ooooh I'm a woman now". For the ensuing 30 or so years I hated every single period - the mess, the pain, the odor, I felt gross and disgusting during each period.

I am the most sentimental person I know - I hold onto things because they have sentimental value - my grandmothers china, for a long time I had every school paper my kids ever brought home, baby toys my kids played with (they're 25 and 21 now), the list of what I have a hard time parting with goes on and on.

So why was it so easy to say bye bye to my uterus - a piece of my body, the place where my children spent the first 9 months of their lives? As far as I was concerned it was no more emotionally traumatic than getting a haircut. I had about 5 seconds of sentimentality about it when I was on my way to the hospital, but that was all.

I truly never felt there was anything special about having a period. And I sure haven't had one thought in the past three years that maybe I'd like to have another one for old times sake. I'm thrilled I never have to deal with that again - ever.

So what is normal? This is normal for me.

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what makes me tick - why, even though I hate what I've done to my health, my body, my self esteem, do I still reach for the chocolate? Or the cookies? Or the ice cream? Sure, a little is ok, but that's if you have the willpower to stop at just a little.

Years ago I joined Weight Watchers. I was so successful, it was amazing. I was within 5 pounds of my goal weight, and did it in just a very few months time (lost about 40#). I was the poster child for the "perfect" weight watcher. Then life got crazy, I stopped making good choices, and regained it all, and with the ensuing years, 20+ more, or about 60 pounds.

I've been trying to think what was different then, why was it so easy? Because it was easy. What I have come up with: we had just sold our house and were living in a rental house temporarily. We didn't *settle* in, yes the kids had their toys and stuff, but there was no clutter at all. No knick knacks around, out of season clothes were in storage - it was very peaceful. I ate the same thing almost every day - 3/4 oz of Rice Krispies with milk, orange juice for breakfast. A sandwich that I made myself in the morning before I went to work, and at least 3 evenings a week 4 oz of chicken with green beans for dinner. Those 3 evenings DH was working and the kids would eat whatever I gave them. I weighed and measured everything, and wrote down every bite in my food journal. I didn't want chocolate, I didn't need it.

By the end of the summer we were in the middle of renovating a house. There was a lot of work like painting, that we had to do ourselves. I got out of my rhythm, and dinnertime was usually at the new house, so we had to eat fast food a lot. My weight loss stopped, but for a few months didn't go up either. After we moved into the house it seems like my whole world became chaotic. Instead of a nice slow move, we did it in a day, everything got moved and piled up to be dealt with later. A year later there were still boxes not unpacked.

There have been many many weight loss and exercise programs since then - Weight Watchers a few more times, TOPS, NutriSystem, SlimFast, stationary bikes, ski machines, elliptical trainers, weights, Yoga, Pilates, bike riding, walking, Richard Simmons, Jane Fonda - you name it, been there, done that.

But I keep coming back to clutter in my life, it seems like that is my trigger, I am an emotional eater. Two years ago I discovered Flylady, and have been working at getting the clutter out. When I'm doing good at it, and the house is neat and tidy, I feel so much better, and I'm not eating emotionally. But let things get out of hand and where are those M&M's?

What or who is a Flylady? Her name is Marla, and she has a website (www.flylady.com), a book, and she sends out daily (lots of them) reminders about things that need doing. I need routine and from her I am getting that, I'm only fluttering right now, I have a long way to go to banish the CHAOS and FLY, but by taking babysteps, both in decluttering and in making changes to my lifestyle, I WILL BE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE, and my emotions.

I don't actually make New Years Resolutions, cause, well, I just don't. I used to, but never followed through all the way to the end of the year.

I am trying to make better life choices, for my health, not just this year, a long term commitment to me.

If I was going to make resolutions what would they be?

#1 Try to make better choices about food, limit fast food and snack food, and candy, etc.
#2 Try to get more exercise on a regular basis.
#3 Try to stay organized, with less chaos and clutter in my life, my home, my mind.

But those are things I'm going to try, I'm not saying this is what I resolve to do, so they don't count as resolutions.

I used to live in sweatpants in the winter, except for errand days. Well, two years ago I found "Flylady". One of her basic "rules" is get dressed to the shoes every morning, and sweatpants are a no no. My morning routine is pretty well established - make the bed as soon as I get out of it, swish and swipe the bathroom after my shower, get dressed, unload the dishwasher, etc. I've had a terrible time adding exercise to the morning routine, even though there is a wonder elliptical trainer in the bedroom, it would be sooo easy. But it takes me a while to come to life. Exercising in jeans - uh, no, so it requires changing clothes, or making an extra effort, planning. Most of my sweats were pretty ratty, so I got rid of them as part of my flinging, and didn't get any new ones. Yesterday I bought some. Today I'm wearing them, I can hope on the treadmill or get down on the floor and do some yoga or something whenever the mood strikes, so I figure I'm a step ahead now.

The last of the Christmas cookies were finished last night, today I'm working on getting the kitchen back under control; I have discovered that I really have to have organization to feel comfortable, and since the kitchen is where the food is, if it's neat it seems that my eating is easier to control also.

Back to work!

I first saw the nutritionist on December 13, just two weeks before Christmas. A really hard time to eat smart, but I made it! I had my second meeting with her today. In the last two weeks I have lost 4.5 pounds!! Friday, Saturday & Sunday I wasn't totally on program, but much more in control than it could have been.

I also borrowed my MIL's treadmill for the next three months. They go south for the winter, so I'll use it and see if I like it well enough to buy one of my own. I have an elliptical trainer that I really like, but for some reason I have a hard time making myself use it regularly. I've only had the treadmill here for a couple of days, but so far I've used it each day. By the time the treadmill goes back maybe I'll be ready to find time to walk outside.

One day at a time!

My dad died of a heart attack when he was 49 - I'm overweight, have very high cholesterol, and I just turned 49 - I'm scared. My DR at first agreed to let me try modifying my diet to see if that brought my cholesterol levels down. Nope, not enough to make much difference. So he put me on a cholesterol lowering drug - Zetia, which isn't a statin and doesn't have the same liver threatening potential. After a year on that my levels were up, plus I had gained 10 pounds. He switched me to Lipitor, and I'm seeing a nutritionist. She listened to me and what I normally eat, what I like to eat, etc., and wrote out what, how much, and when to eat meals and snacks. I need to get more exercise - My 3 yo DGS is with me every day from 7:30 til 4:30-5. Anyone who has ever tried walking with a 3 yo knows it can be slow going. This morning it's 10*, no way would I take him out for long anyway. And trying to do an excercise tape - again, anyone who has tried it with a 3 yo around - hahahahaha. He thinks I want to play, and I get pounced on.

Friday night there was a brawl in Detroit near the end of a game between the Indiana Pacers and Detroit Pistons. A fan was the cause of it. There was a hard foul and some pushing between two players. Things had calmed down and this "fan" threw a cup of beer on one of the players. The player charged into the stands and punched the guy. Then other fans ran onto the floor, other punches were thrown, not a pretty sight at all.

Several players have been suspended, one for the entire season. They demonstrated behavior that was not at all "professional", but they are humans after all. They take a lot of verbal abuse from "fans" along with stuff thrown from the stands on a regular basis. Anyone can reach his or her breaking point.

What, if anything, will be the consequences to this fan? The NBA commissioner has said " . . . we must redefine the bounds of acceptable conduct for fans attending our games and resolve to permanently exclude those who overstep those bounds."

I can't help but imagine that this person has already spoken to several lawyers, and is dreaming of the huge payout he thinks he should receive, for being an idiot (and quite probably an inebriated idiot at that).

How has our society sunk to such a low level of consideration for others and become so "me" oriented, that anything is OK, that how our actions might impact others is meaningless, as long as "I" am happy?

My rambling for this morning.

Why do some people think that the rules don't apply to them, or their kids? First of all, I know that there are exceptions to every rule, like no dogs in restaurants - the exception being service dogs. Exceptions like that make sense.

How about people on airplanes? Each person is allowed one carry on bag and it has to be no larger than a certain size. They even have a template you can put your bag in and see if it fits; if it doesn't you're supposed to check it. Now an exception to that rule could be someone who has to have something with them at all times like an oxygen tank. But the person who has a suitcase that they want to bring on with them and gets upset when they're told they can't, throws an absolute fit over it - why do they think they're better or more special than everyone else?

What brought this train of thought up today: last week on the news there was a short piece about a girl in California who was suspended from school for turning a cartwheel on the playground. My first reaction was that's a bit much isn't it? I kind of shook my head thinking it was overkill, like a small child who takes a squirt gun to school and is suspended because of a zero tolerance for weapons.

Well, on Saturday this 14 y/o girl, her parents, and the principal of the school were on the "Today" show. Now the rest of the story comes out. This girl has been warned repeatedly, has served multiple detentions, and the parents have been sent paper notices and emails explaining why unsupervised gymnastics could not be allowed. She was not only doing gymnastics on the playground but also in the halls of the school. The day she was suspended she thought she was out of sight of the playground supervisors.

Her parents kept insisting she was a wonderful gymnast and they didn't see the problem. They also kept saying the kids get to play basketball during recess, what was the difference? The principal said the kids don't play basketball in the halls between classes. I can see a difference - I've never seen a basketball game played with mats on the floor and spotters to catch the players in case they fall. The principal also said the girl had been known to do handstands in front of doors that could open at any time - not safe or smart. If she got hurt where would the parents place the blame? I'm sure not on their daughter, but rather on the school officials who allowed it. Or if someone was walking and didn't realize what she was doing and there was a collision - the school would be blamed.

It's wonderful when parents stick up for their kids when there is a real reason, but to teach them that it's OK to disregard rules that you don't think should apply to you is not wonderful.

Just my vent for the day I'm sure I'll think of more in the future!

Today is my 49th birthday. Usually the number of years is irrelevant to me, but this year is different. My Dad died 30 years and 4 weeks ago. He was 49 years old. That's what I'm having a problem with - I am now the same age he was when he died. He had a heart attack, no warning at all. The ultimate irony is that he gave up smoking just 10 days before.

Other than just missing him I think of all he missed out on - he never saw any of his kids get married, never knew any of his grandchildren, and his grandchildren never knew him. To them he's just a picture, or a name on a plaque on the fire station. They don't understand who he was and what he meant to us all.

Even after all this time it still hurts, some days, like today, worse than others.

My name is Mary Lou. I’m almost 49 years old, have been married for 26 years and have two grown children (Carrie, 25 and Matthew, 21)and one grandchild (Zachary 3 1/2 who is the love of my life). We live in Kennebunk, Maine, a nice little town on the Atlantic Ocean that has quite a few summer visitors, some famous and some not so famous (does the name Bush ring a bell?).

I work crazy hours in the summer, in order to be a stay at home grandmother in the winter. I take care of my grandson while my DD works. I do work part time during tax season as a tax preparer. I love numbers. I am also on two bowling leagues – here in the northeast we have candlepins, not the big balls and pins. DH & I have bikes and we like to get out when we can, in the spring, summer, and fall. I also enjoy NASCAR racing.

In the past I had some cervical polyps that had to be removed because of problems they were causing. My hysterectomy was because of fibroids. For 2 ½ years after they first caused problem periods and were diagnosed, I was on Provera to control things. It worked for 2 ½ years, and then a period started and just wouldn’t stop, for 46 days. By then my uterus was about 16-18 week size. DR said it was time, and I agreed wholeheartedly.

Surgery was Feb 5, 2002. I am taking estradiol 1mg/day. I also have Hashimoto’s Disease – an autoimmune disorder involving the thyroid, I take Levoxyl every day for that. After surgery and recovery I realized how truly awful I felt before. I have so much energy now, and it’s wonderful not to have mood swings anymore, cause mine really swung!!

I found HysterSisters in November of 2001. The site helped me get ready for surgery in all ways. Preparing mentally, and knowing what would be helpful to have for post op. Also the reassurance that what I wasn’t alone in what I was thinking and feeling. Then while I was recovering having others to compare notes with, so I knew that my recovery was on track.

I feel very fortunate that I had a textbook recovery. I took the advice to not rush things very seriously, and I truly think that was a big factor.

Feel free to email me at mlweeman@hystersisters.com

I’m also on AIM as mlweeman

Thanks for reading this and for being a part of HysterSisters!

I may not have much to add to my journal, but this is a start!