First I want to say thank you for all the great words of encouragement with Jake - I know I am his mom, but he is a pretty cool kid...err young man, I mean.

Tonight was orrientation for freshmen...wow...as it stands the Class of 2011 has 512 students (which seems like a lot to me - I graduated in class of about 200) with more to join more than likely. But they have been devolping around here like mad. Oh well. Anyway.....it was a huge cluster _______ (fill in the blank if you will). Part of it was informative but then they had studenet council representatives come and take groups on a "tour" of the school (which is more like a campus) and we could barely hear a word she said. But its not like any the kids will remember which hallway is what come Thursday. Big Sigh..... He has no classes with his best bud (which is no surprise really-Alex has a lot of advanced classes) several with a good friend (that I liked a lot but now have some minor doubts-which I shouldnt because I dont know all the story about his being "out" after curfew and his dad strikes me a no nonsense kind of guy) and then he has one class with this kid that I have fallen in love with (as a son) this summer. So not too bad. Jake is taking the Marine Corp JROTC program and is actually talking about Military College after hight school! I will keep my fingers crossed - Annapolis would be awesome as it is close (just over an hour the way I drive-LOL). He will definatly have to work hader than he has accademically though - but he is smart - just lacks the discipline to apply himself. But it made me feel old - especially the girls....we werent built like that at the beginning of our freshman year!! I really hope that we have reached a very positive turning point for the young man. And (selfish I know) the more involved in school the less he will he will consider moving to his dads.

I spent part of today trying not to hate Paul's ex, but it is hard. Tessa went to Paris, the French Rivera and Italy this summer. We wound up giving her all of her spending money - not once but twice. The first time was a travel card thru EF Tours. Denise cancelled that card and it took 30 days to get my money back. Well, I still dont have it. The bulk of the money came from an account at my credit union (via debit check card). Then my mom asked to me to put some on from her for Tessa's birthday. For that I used this American Express gift card that I had gotten from Paul's company. The gift card value was $500.00. EF Tours policy to is to return the money to last source used to give the funds and in my case the Amex GIFT CARD. Big problem. Total amount given was over $500 so once Amex receives the credit - it will go on hold and ET Tours will have to reverse it out. All EF tours would say was they told this to the person cancelling the travel card (Tessa's mom) and she told me was that it was cancelled and I would see my refund in 30 days. Now logically I know that this is not Denise's fault - but I felt like smacking her anyway. Amex tells me I may not see the credit for up to 7 days after EF tours made it. Grrr.....All I can is, it is a good thing that we dont "need" the money for a mortgage payment or something. And it was a good thing that we were able to pay out the money for tess not once but twice. But have you ever heard of such a refund policy - to just use the last source that funds came from regardless? It makes no sense to me. Oh well.

What a day--I am beat. Gonna go to bed. I hate Mondays....LOL

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

It is all gray out - and the 3 H's--Hazy, Hot & Humid. Ugh.... It is rather miserable out so in we are - except of course Jake - this weather doesnt seem to have an affect on him - I am jealous!

His "ordeal" went well - despite the fast and no talking - he is now a member of the Order of Arrow and is pleased with his sucess. They worked their behinds off yesterday with little food - for him that was the worst - he must have a hollow leg - takes after his mom - lol. Friday night the kids were all spaced out at about 20 yard intervals in the woods, he said he didnt get much sleep. Due to the storms (or perhaps the sucessful completion of the ordeal) they got to sleep in the cabins last night. He was pretty dirty and stinky despite taking a shower last night. My mom went with me to pick him up this morning so after we got back to the house we all went to the Cracker Barrell for breakfast (me, mom & Jason) and lunch (Jake & Paul). It was nice. My mom & Jason came up to watch the game - which was delayed by an hour (severe storms & ligthing) and then called during the 3rd quarter when FedEx lost most of its lights - that was wild looking to see all those big stadium lights go out like that. I am reall glad we werent there! So we got in the hot tub for a while and then mom & I went to bed while Paul & Jason decided to build a fire. I think Paul forgets that he isnt 20 something anymore-lol.

Noni~we have been looking at the Sallie Mae Plus loans - personally I think that is the way to go. Brit is naturally nervous about the "loans" and Paul doesnt want to be any further in debt - and to be honest, I am concerned that she will default and it will fall on us. I hate feeling that way, but....the history is there - unfortunatly. I really hope that she is sincere with this & REALLY wants it. Time will tell. She also is still feeling better about taking the refresher courses so thats a plus.

With the "kids" going back to school - I am dying to go as well - I just dont know what I want to be when I grow up - lol. Actually I am getting closer to making a decission - I think I want to get into real estate appraisals but the law is changing a lot in January. Once Jake gets back to school I am going to start calling around and see if any the appraisers around here take "trainees" becuase you have to log something like 2400 hours as a trainee before you can become certified. In the mean time, I think I will take the non credit home inspection course - I can market that along with my notary services. Paul is being very supportative so thats good. I just wish that the community college here offered a better selection of courses. The community college of Baltimore has a wonderful selection of credit and continuing ed classes. But the out of state prices.... oh well I will just have to take it one day at a time.

Not much else going on. I guess I better go print out the loan for tomorrow morning so I am ready to go. I hope all are having a great day!

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

It has most certainly been a lazy day. I will be glad to have these dog days of summer over with - they totally zap me. But then again this was a painful and emotionally draining week but I am doing better.

Paul took Brit to the community college to pay for her classes because she was denied the pell grant. When I took her earlier in the month we were under the impression that she had passed her english and could take english 101 well....not the case. She had to retest and did a lot worse. She called me all in tears about what to tell her dad - I was like the truth. She did. So we are paying for 2 refresher courses (and she still has to get her GED - I think she takes the final test the begining of Sept). So now I get to drive down and take her to the college tomorrow because she couldnt miss another day of work. I am somewhat relived - becuase she was going to try to take 3 classes so she could stay on her moms insurance. I told her that she would be eligible soon enough for insurance thru her work and not to push it. Technically she dropped out of high school in her senior year but I know she pushed thru the other years. Besides she wants to go into the nursing program and that is very competitive. I hope she has the true desire to do this. So we will be coming up with a plan to help her finance her college education.

An old friend from the previous company we worked at, had a small stroke. Paul is going to stop by and see him tonight after they look at a building. They are outgrowing their current office and are actually looking at buying a building. I wont be home because I am taking Jake to boy scout camp for his "ordeal" weekend to become a member of the Order of the Arrow in scouts.

I think tomorrow night we are staying home and watching the football game - I am glad the regular season is just around the corner. Although this year we did not buy season tickets. We did go to the first preseason home game and had a blast.

I slept in real late this morning. Well after being awake for several hours. My darling hemorid(s) is bothering me again. In fact that was the one thing my GYN was concerned about when I saw him - he wanted me to see a corelrectal surgeon but I am not ready for that. So I am trying more conservative methods but keep forgetting the fiber chews....hey I am doing good if I remember my estrogen (which I forgot today).

I got 2 calls to work tonight but ofcourse they conflicted with Jake's schedule (story of my life - LOL) but I am working Monday morning which is good becaues I will have to get up early and wake jake up so that he can start to get into the swing of things with school staritng soon. We had a really interesting conversation today on the way home from walmart about drugs & alcohol. They grow up so fast. It is scary. I am not really surprised at what he has tried but had hoped that he wouldnt. I try to remember how old I was when I first tried certain things - but it is all kind of fuzzy. Especially since when growing up, I was allowed to sample different things (mostly wine). Being a parent sometimes sure is the pits. But I am lucky that he is a "good" boy {for the most part lol) and that he will talk to both Paul & I about most things.

I have started catching up with some of you - I get lost in your journals and before I know it, time has slipped by. But now the laundry is calling and I need to get Jakes dinner ordered (promised him dinner where ever he wanted tonight before leaving for camp and he picks the local sub shop-go figure).

I hope all are doing well and look forward to continuing to catch up with those whom I have "known" and getting to know the new people since my absence.

Love to all....

Dawn
xoxo

Good morning,

It somehow feels strange to be here-it has been a while that is for sure. Although I have thought of this place A LOT - especially in the past couple of weeks. With that being said I have missed you ladies.

I suppose I have been dealing with a mild case of the blues - the first anniversary of my dad's passing was Sunday (which was his birthday) and all in all the day went better than I thought it would. I remember at this time last year how supportive all of you were. My mom didnt want to be home on Sunday so Sat night she came up (we had a house full my 2 nephews 4 and 7 months) jake, tess, and one of my older sons Jason). Bill and Anna (friends of the family for 25+ years) were suppose to come on Sunday. Bill gave the euology at my dad's funeral. He called Sunday morning to say that Anna's mom passed away. I cried. I never knew her - possibly met her when I was younger but dont really remember. Bill & Anna are the most awesome people - they were happy (see was 90 and had alzheimers) she was home with God now and Bill is positive that daddy had something to do with it. Went to the viewing on Tuesday (52 Tuesdays after daddys) and it was easier than I thought. The funeral was Wed (again 52 weeks) and that was hard. I cried - a lot - in fact I thought I was going to have to leave the church.....I managed to get it together and then finaly hymn had me almost in hysterics again. What in the world is wrong with me??? Anyway - got thru it - was drained to no end last night. But somehow today am a little better - borderline weepy but better. I miss him so much. I know that he lives on in me, but there is an emptieness that I never expected.

Enough of that.....Family update...
~Paul~the COMPANY is doing great. However, the girl I trained is in his words a "nitwit" but I knew that. Apparently Rob & Steve thought I didnt do as good of a job as should have but have now realized that it wasnt my training (glad to hear that - but I still feel bad). Thank goodness their front desk girl will back from maternity leave soon and she will become the project assistant. Luckily no talk of me coming back. However, I may become invloved with on of their sheetmetal contactors - more in name only - so we shall see how that pans out.

~Jake~ Starts high school next Thursday. I am excited but yet apprehensive - my baby is growing up. At times he wants to move in with his dad (and that just isnt happening) and the other night we had an in-depth discussion about that. Then last night Paul & I also had an indepth dicsussion because apparently Jake has confided some things to Paul - know we just need to figure out "where" these things have happened. Personally if the things he told Paul are true - I would be willing to bet that they happened in Maryland at his fathers house - he has way too much freedom there. Oh and his dad has a new live in girlfriend (she is 24 and my ex will be 46 in Dec) and they have suggested Jake move there. Over my dead body - a lot because when ever the ex gets a new woman this happens. And I honestly believe the enviorment and area we live in is better for Jake - not to mention the school system.

~Tessa~ Starts her sophmore year on Monday. Scary. Her trip to Euorope was good. She is in that "shock" phase now - were she says and does things for the shock value. It is a difficult and trying time. And her mother....what a joy that has been during the past month - NOT. She now wants to leave her union supermarket job to work at the shelter making less money. She wants Paul to pick up the insurance (I personally do not have a problem with that per say) but as it is - she is claiming to be broke all the time, blah blah blah. Tess is not happy about her wanting to switch jobs and it is sad that at 15 she has more common sense and financial responsibility than her mom. I think Denise switching jobs will cost US more in the end if it should happen.

~Jason~(My middle {step}son) is still renting the basement from my mom and has been a big help to her. He has enrolled in college (thank YOU mom!) this fall part time. We have become very close over the past 6 months and worke thru a lot of "stuff". At 24 he is a man and I am very proud of him.

~Eddie~(My oldest [step]son) is still in Bagdad to the best of my knowledge. I pray for him constantly but there is still that huge gap between us & I am beginning to think it will always be there.

~Chris~(My youngest {step}son) is still at Ft. Hood with an anticipated departure to Iraq in November. Which might be postponed due to problems with his knee. Still waiting to see if they are going to operate or not. He was home at the beginning of August and it was great to see him. If they dont operate, we will fly out in October to see him. If they do operate, I will fly out when he is scheduled for surgery.

~Crystal~(my oldest {step}daughter) is doing great. He son Josh is adorable - my grandbaby - although at 4 not a baby anymore. She is finally in a healthy realtionship....

~Brit~(my second to youngest {step} daughter) at 19 has finally started to grow up and is attempting to go to college. There have been many obstacles (mainly her mother Denise) but we are doing what we can to help her. Over the past couple of months she and I have become much closer - however due to past events I am still somewhat guarded with ther.

And Nicole - well we never see her or hear from her (second to oldest {step} daughter. But hear that she is doing well.

Me...nothing much - lol... My notary signing business has slowed way down due to the unstable mortgage market. I am not sure if things will pick up or not. What I do, is go to peoples homes (or where ever they want to meet) and go over their refinance or home equilty lines of credit or 2nd mortgages with them. Things have been rather slow and I have to chase money from June. I guess that is the price you pay for working for yourself. I had my yearly check up in July (yea a little late considering surgery was in April 06-lol) and all in all doing ok. He increased my HRT doseage and that seems to be helping. Nights are the worst still. I have transistioned fairly well into the menopause life and have no major compalints - and those that I do seem to be more of the common things that start to happen during the aging process. Mamogram results can back clear - no further tesitng this year - yipee!

Now that I have written a book it is time to try to catch up with you wonderful ladies. I think now that I have made it past my dad's passing, I can once again journal. At least I hope so. But first I have errands that must be ran.....ahh the life of a domestic goddess....lol

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

time for my monthly check in ~ I am not sure why I havent been journalling, guess i have just been preoccupied - busy or something.

Summer school is done - Jake got it finished in the first two weeks so off to high school goes - yea - but shheesh....it would have been so much easier had he done during the school year. Big sigh.....

Paul is on vacation this week so that means me too! We started the weekend by golfing on Saturday then yesterday we got in the truck and took off to Atlantic City and stayed the night. It was a blast. We visited several of the major casinos and walked the beach and the boardwalk. We arent big gamblers but had fun. What a great place to peopole watch! Between the golfing and all that walking yesterday my legs are tight. Today we took the really long way home and took the Cape May Ferry to Lewes - that was nice. Tomorrow, we clean and get ready for our annual 4th of July party on Wednesday and then we think we are going to go to Ocean City, MD for a few days with the kids.

My little business is doing well, I was really busy last week so am looking forward to the down time this week. But I really need to set up an official home office and get things organized. That will be my goal next week once Paul goes back to work. Maybe

Hope all is well and I will try to get back into the swing of things once our vacation week is up.

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

Tired even exhausted doesnt begin to describe how I feel. Good note - they FINALLY hired someone at the office! Yea! So next Friday is my last day. Now for the downer- Jake failed 2 classes for the year and in order to go to high school he has to take a summer school class. What a bummer - for me too. And to boot we have to go out of district so it is twice as expensive. Ugh.....And he cant go on his scout canoe trip down the Delaware River because it is during summer school. This is something he was really looking forward to but he has chosen school. We have had several long talks about this since Wednesday when we found out. By default he has to take Math (because the school we have chosen for this doesnt offer science) which I hope and pray will be a good thing and actually help him. Tess has offered to be here a lot during that time to help and Jason (another son) has offered to help him too. Paul is being great about it - and it sounded like Jakes dad took it well, but Jake is a little worried that he isnt taking it as good as he sounded over the phone. Oh well. He can kiss my *** - AND if I find out he has betlittled Jake at all, you all can probably find me in a jail somewhere. LOL. But seriously.....So I only work half a day today - picked Tess up and we went out for some serious retail therapy. I opted on a new necklace & earrings from my certificates (the journey collection) and then we hit Claires then bath & body works......and we both felt much better! LOL. I think we are going to get some more sever storms tonight, so I am inside (****....much rather be out in the yard - and you are so right Marta - cats DONT DO HOUSEWORK - what a shame lol!). We are having a cookout on Sunday - the partners - happy happy joy joy. No not really but I can handle it.
Gotta get my rear in gear before I lose all motivation. I hope to continue to catch up with everyone.

Love to all,
Dawn

I am so ready for bed, but babysitting....Crystal had an employee crab feast tonight so I said I would watch Josh (I really remember the days of being a single parenting...) so he is sleeping and I am waiting for mommy to come get her preciuos bundle of joy! Josh was good for us tonight - but had a bad day at daycare - she had to go pick him because he wasnt listening and refused to lay down on his cot. Sigh. She doesnt care for this particular day care center (and I dont think Josh does either!) and he starts at the one closer to home on Monday. Its the same one Jake went to when we first moved to Pennsylania.

We did not have a cook out on Saturday - in part because we didnt make it to walmart to buy the new girl until 3 or so. It didnt get put all together until about 6:30 or so. And I managed to not have one on Sunday either! Woo Hoo! Dont get me wrong, i would love to have one, but not so spur of the moment - especially when talking about his partners (Rob & Steve's wives are both stay at home mom's and Paul said Steve's house is "ethan gallery" and well the dust bunnies have taken over at our place ) So it looks like next weekend. And I agree Marta, mens brains do work differently than ours!

However, I did manage to get some cleaning done on Sunday and got a handle on the laundry (what a joke....). Hopefully this evening Robert hired my replacement and I hope she can start this week yet. The office politics came into play today - groan..... I am so ready to leave that place. But on a good note, I did receive some compensation (amex gift cards - been having fun shopping!) Nothing like retail therapy to cheer a gal up! LOL.

Paul has been home this week - so thats been nice. In fact he was home before me yesterday and cooked ribs on the new grill. Jake is dying to cook on it. Maybe tomorrow - trying to put a dent in the left overs.

Okay Ladies - question for you....When Paul proposed back in December, I got "santa certificates" from the jewlrey store as well as the ring. Do I use those to go towards our wedding bands or something for me? Ahh decisions....LOL. They expire on the 15th and he doesnt care what I do with them - just so long as I use them. Hmm.....I wish all problems were this difficult!

ooo......I posted a picture of my pond (it is still a work in progress.....) if you are interested in seeing it!

Not much to say, glad to be back! Gonna go read some of your entries a while.

Love to all,

Dawn

Silly girl... I have been outside busting my arse in the yard with weeds and this tree that the previous owner cut down and is now sprouting (by the way I think I got all the main root system and most of the smaller - YEA!) and I came in to get something to eat and he calls he is on his way home from baltimore city (yea) do wewant to have a cookout (NO FREAKING WAY-{sigh}). I point blank said the house is still a mess - since we had the torential downpours I decided to work outside. If he is going to be gone all week and expect to entertain on weekends he best get me out of his office! Geez......

*********
Marta - the purple flowered tree blooms early spring and as soon as I find out the name I will let you know!

******
Diverchick - go easy with the eyes IMHO, my doctor (the new one) said it could be that it took me a full year to settle down from the surgery - I have dropped some major bucks in the past six months between glasses and contacts. Most of the male doctors just brushed aside my wonderings about the fact that I have no natural hormones anymore, she reinforced that it does take time and said often times women go back to their pre surgery eyesight just some food for thought (and the fact that I have 2 boxes of contacts that I cant return because they have been opened...another big sigh....

******

Okay, I am done wolfing down a couple of breakfast toaster thingys so back to the yard before it gets hotter and more humid! Oh and the pond is near flood stages, but is maintaining. I may have to scoop some of the water out though.

Have a great Saturday everyone!

Love to all,

Dawn

time for my monthly update - lol. I have been stressed and struggling with minor depression issues and my eyes have been giving me fits and life in general has just been.....i dont know what the word is but, here I am the prodigical sister -back again.

Depression-been there done that-here again - but not major enough to require meds at this time. I am dealing with it - a lot of time to myself. I havent been sleeping either but thats ok I guess. Everything is kind of sporatic at the moment. I am still "working" for the company. Funny thing is, under different circumstances I could enjoy the job. But I dont - because of the circumstances. Does that make any sense? Probably not, but thats ok too. Paul is done with me being there (because I am unhappy more than anything) he told Robert on Wednesday that he was giving my two weeks notice. Then yesterday, Robert calls and tells me that I can take tomorrow (today) off. So I did. Naturally I didnt accomplish all that I had hoped to get done, but that seems to be the story of my life hear lately. {Sigh....) They finally started interviews this week, so the end is in sight - I think anyway. This "job" has been costing us money - not just the commute, but lunches out everyday (I am back into not grocery shopping a whole lot) and because I am in a semi depressed state, I go shopping - I spent over $40 at the freaking auto store (some of necessary - blinker bulbs and new wipers and a few other things that I cant recall - LOL)-clothes has been a biggie as well as frequent trips to starbucks.....Some of the clothes has been necessary as I have almost reached my goal weight (I did, but then came memorial day - lol) so I have gone down another size more or less (all depends on where I shop & what I buy I am finding out). But a lot of it has been frivolous - but I cant seem to help it.

I am also majorly bummed because Paul is sleeping at a best western 67 miles away because of this new job they landed for the state of maryland. Ofcourse, it is a "fast track job" working 10-12 hour days 6 days a week. He is frustrated because he feels like he going backwards - he is suppose to be in charge of operations - not running a specific job-of course parts of him enjoys working with the tools again, but thats not the point. he did come home last night which was nice. Jake & I were going to go out there tonight but he said not too, because we would have to go thru Gettysburg and that takes a long time this time of year and Jake has to be at the scout house by 7:30 tomorrow morning for a 10 mile canoe shakedown (getting ready for his 50 mile canoe trip at the end of the month). Well, it turns out for the best because we have been having major thunderstorms for the past 2 hours (or more)-lost power three times briefly and my pond is about to flood. And apparently, he spent all evening putting out fires and has to go to shock trauma in the city tomorrow to help at that job (the one he is "living" at is in the cantoctin mountains in frederck, md (not too far from camp david as a matter of fact). The job is scheduled to be done in october-the rush part has to be substantially completed by the end of the month so we shall see. So in essence, I am back to being a single mom again and it sux big time (hence a big part of the depression).

But on a positive note, Jake will pass 8th grade (it looks like) by the skin of his teeth - what really gets to me, is he just took a test on the civil war and got a 95% - he can do the work (of course I knew that all along). Grr.....thank God, he is the youngest - I had troubles getting most of his brothers through high school and I can see he isnt going to be any easier - lol. Thank goodness for hair color to hide the grey!

The house is a wreck - but I will have several hours tomorrow to work in peace, which is a good thing I suppose. I do get more done when I am alone.

The yard...finally got the pond in the ground last weekend (Paul took all 3 days off!) And it has fish and plants (still need to get the water lillies) but an hour ago it was close to over filling because of the rain and another storm is moving through as I type this. So who knows what will be in the pond in the morning. Luckily I bought "feeder" goldfish and not expensive pond fish. I had a lot of sucess with them at the old house. Although I do want to get one koi...... I trimmed the funky twisted tree out front last weekend - some of the branches were dead. It turns out that is one of those flowering trees with pretty purple flowers - however, mine didnt bloom as much as others in the area so I am hoping that the healthy trim will be good for it. I still need to mulch and figure out what I am going to plant in the rock gardens (the rocks are going to be relocated). I have a partial list for the michigan bulb company started, just need to finish it and place the order. But because that takes thought, I am not so quick to spend - it is ithe impluse spending that is getting to me.

My eyes...I have had three or four differnt prescriptions since April 19th (my hyserverssary date). I got so fed up with the optical store that I went to a private practice today, and got a totally different reading from her. But I like her approach. She wants me to wear the glasses I got back in October for driving and non computer work (they are the weaker script) and to use my newest glasses for the computer and reading until the 26th when I see her again. When she did the eye test she came up in the middle of the two. Because this other place I was going kept giving me different contacts and none were working well for any length of time, she wants me not to wear them at all until after I see her again. I got the most comprehensive exam today than I have had in years - complete with dialiation. My eyes were still bothering me at 4 this afternoon when Jake & I went to walmart! (they were dialiated around noon). She did discover that along with my astigmistism I have a mild case of Keratoconus, which at this point and time is not a big deal-just something to be watched. Oh the other dr. thought maybe I was diabetic so I had a blood sugar test done and I am happy to say that came in at a 89. Woo hooo!

Hot flashes and night sweats have come back - but I see my Gyno in July and will deal with that then, as well as the dreaded vaginal dryness that has become a major nusicance without being intimate. Grr....And while replense and the like helps, I hate wearing a panty liner - I thought I was done with those - lol. Maybe once my stress level goes back down?

I miss doing my notary work and had to turn down a lot of work this month. I tried doing a couple of evening closings, but with homework, dinner, the commute home to get ready for the closing (printing a couple hundred pages of loan docs, etc) it was just too much and I felt like I was cheating Jake.

Jake and Tess are both doing well and are glad that school is almost over (Jake the 8th and Tess the 15th). We took all three moms to see Jesus Christ Superstar (awesome!) for mothers day the weekend after mothers day then went out for crabs.

All in all it has been an okay month. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Selfish I know, but tis true. I liked being a domestic goddess and trying to promote my notary services. Soon.. I hope. And I want my man back home every night.

Hopefully the headaches will cease enough for me to get back into the swing of things here. I have missed all of you so much. Oh, I also bought a new mulching self propelled mower that starts with a key! Talk about getting use tooo...I have never had a self propelled before! Of course the grass seed is probably all washed away now....

okay, i am rambling and I gotta get up at 6:30 - i hope I can sleep tonight.....I hope I havent bored anyone!

Love to all,
Dawn

P.S. I started reading all your entries - I really really missed all of you!

you ladies are great! I really mean that!

Yesterday was stressful.....I think I cried about a dozen times - almost turned around on my way to his office. But it worked out in the end. Paul got tied up and couldnt leave so it was just me & my mom who went to the dealership. We did good though! She is now the proud owner of a Toyota Highlander. And happy. This was the first time she ever bought a car on her own. She was pretty excited about it. After we haggled the price, I left. I went to the cemetary and talked to my dad. Sat there for a while (and of course cried some more) then came home. Paul cooked dinner and we talked.

Today was better at the office, but I gotta tell you, this "volunteering" for 40 hours a week is bogus! LOL. I am sure there will be some type of compensation but what gets me is the rush hour traffic down in that area (he works in Maryland) - they drive like maniacs! Going down in the morning is the worst. I know they have one potential candidate - keep your fingers crossed - he sounds too good to be true (this isnt really an "office manager" posistion - more of a project assistant position). It is wearing me out though. Its only been a little over a month since I lost my job - but in all honesty I didnt have a whole lot of "work" to do. Of course there is the whole learning/refreshing curve too. Its not hard (and certainly not rocket science) but in some ways it will be easier once N. is gone - then I can make it my own, for as long as that may be (everyone knows that I want to be done within 6 weeks...). So we shall see.

Monday, Jake had scouts and they were canoeing down at that the lake and he tipped his canoe. Now he wants to do the 50 mile canoe trip at the end of June. For the longest time he didnt want too, but now he does. So he will. To be 13 almost 14 again - KNOWING what I know now that is - LOL.

I miss being home. Selfish of me perhaps, but non the less. I am sure that I will get my groove before long (at least I hope so). Paul was in the office most of the day today - that was kinda nice. He introduced me to their (female) vendor who took him (and others) to the Ravens game in KC. She is nice and pretty. I was teasing him about her this evening - and I guess one of the reasons she really likes Paul is because he isnt one of those guys that doesnt know how to look a pretty woman in the eye (did that come out right? I am soooo tired---meaning he doenst stare at chests). I am lucky.

Ok thats about it. I am trying to keep up with all of you. I hope everyone is doing well.

Love to all,

Dawn

Tomorrow I go to work for a Type A workaholic so, yes, Shawn PLEASE send me your housekeeper - LOL! Paul really wants me home, so I know this is a desperate messure - LOL. I just keep telling myself it will be fine....... Oh please let it be fine!

I agree Noni, we sure do put ourselves through the grind! I feel much better, dropped the ex a short email breaking out the cost of summer camp and that I was happy for him and that I hoped what happened Friday was not going to be the norm as it is unfair to Jake - who happens to worship him. Yes I told him that. So I hope it was/is received well. If not, ka sa ra sa ra. And things between Jake and I are good now. I explained that I am like a big black bear - the mamma kind and he is my little cub and you know how protective mamma bears are - he watches A LOT of the discovery channel. So for the most part my world is back in balance.

Tomorrow after work, Paul & I are going to my moms to help her negotiate the price on the Toyota Higlander. She decided it is worth the extra money because this is to be her last car (or says she - lol).

Thanks for listening to my rantings and ravings. I am sure more are to come! LOL.

Have a great night tonight and even better day tomorrow.

Love to all,
Dawn

and I feel better - thank you!! I do feel badly about the harshness with which I discussed my ex with Jake - it is his dad after all. But we are ok. (jake & I - he is such a good kid - and I will die trying to keep him that way!). I think some of my reaction is jealousy (oh what an ugly evil word!) - NOT that my ex found someone - that my son will replace me. Sigh....Double edge sword I swear. Its also hypicritcal of me because I would love it if my dear Tess lived with us - full time. But I am working thru this. And Jake said the gf was easier to talk to than his dad (I swear sometimes I think Jake is scared to really talk to his dad or even ask him for anything - but then again none of his sons have a real open relationship with him) BUT I CAN NOT FIX HIM. Hence the divorce - lol. At least I can see where the problem is (some of which is MY problem) so now I can handle this.

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Its going to be an even nicer day today. Paul slept in this morning and I even went back to bed to snuggle and well I am happy to say that the physical intmacy has returned. He is still not comfortable with me going to work for his company - and told me not too work too hard today - LOL. But if I do have to work for a while it will be ok. And Shawn, my dear, YOU ARE SO RIGHT! My first job will to be hire the perfect office manager for all the boys! LOL. One day at a time. I know that what ever happens, I can handle it - I am WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR - LOL. See what a really good nights sleep can do?

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It is suppose to cool down this week and rain. If I am not working, I think I will tackle the touch up painting that needs to be done. Which will give the sun poisioning a chance to heal. Sigh..... Being fair skinned I have always had the tendenacy to burn easy. However, after spending three years in Germany my skin became really sensitive. The year after leaving Germany I went to Florida for a week and wonund up with sun poisioning and ever since.... Well last summer when we got the pool I bought all kinds of baby sunscreen (you know the 50 spf) and for the life of me I can not find it since the move! I have seen it in the new house but CAN NOT REMEMBER WHERE! I think my ovaries were connected to my brain sometimes. SIGH.... So now, my upper back is all broken out again from wearing spagetti tank tops. I have never been ladylike in the persperation department - I sweat like a man most times - so I perfer to wear a lot of skimpy tanks (and since I have no boobs to fall out of em...hehe) I am rambling again.... so sorry! Anyway I did buy some yesterday (baby sunscreen) so now I will be protected and find the other 20 bottles or so - lol.

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I am pretty sure I have decided to put the pond under the kitchen window and which way I want it to lay, but I think I better go grab the waterfall kit first to make sure I like the layout. I only want to dig this pond one time! (I moved the last one twice - ugh it sux to be indecisive sometimes).

Oh well, I better stop my ramblings and pay bills - for some reason this month, I havent been paying as close attention as usual and now I will be paying most of them all at one time. Oh and laundry.

Happy Monday to all!

Love to all,
Dawn

P.S. Shawn - yes you can get crabs all year round - they just come from the carolinas or loiusana in the winter. The ones we had could have been maryland blues - because they were suppose to be "large" but were rather small - but good none the less. I bet your MIL can get some good old blues to bring out to you!

for all your kind words of support! It means a lot. I have really tried not to let his actions get to me, but sometimes..... From what Jake tells me, his dad worked til 8:30 then went home to get the new gf (whom I gather he has been seeing on and off for like 4 years) and they didnt get here til 11:30. I guess I was still pretty peeved about it when I went to meet them today and I took it out on Jake a little bit. I also got peeved because I called him and he hit the ignore button and proceeded to text me. I let him know that was totally unacceptable - since I am the one that pays his cell phone bill, etc. And he dropped his phone in the river and "forgot" to ask his dad for a life jaket from one of the boars- he needs one for scouts tomorrow - they are canoeing We stopped on the way home for that. Now tomorrow we will need to get his glasses and he will have the makeup work from being sick - so as usual it falls to me to handle everything. Ok, how about a little cheese to go with all my whineing.....lol Thanks for listening! I hope now that the gf has seen where we will live (and now me) things can get back to the norm where Jake is concerned. I really dont feel like dealing with another one of his jealous gf's (or wife) again. I pray for strength.

OK onto good stuff....I worked in the yard all day yesterday and got most of the leaves up and got them all burned. Neighbors across the street from me burned yesterday too. Today a few others were burning. I just love the smell of burning leaves and it was so nice to be outside. Paul didnt get home until 5:30 or so and then we went and got a dozen crabs. It had gotten chilly so we ate them in the kitchen. It was a lot of fun sitting there and talking. We talked about my going to work for THE COMPANY and how I am not real thrilled with it. He assures me that it is just temporary and rest assured I will be on their case to bring interviewes in! I really dont want to do this....but as long as they keep up their end of the bargin it will be ok and I am sure there will be lots of responses to the ads (and thats just going by the few resumes I have sent out and havent heard back on!) Oh well.

This morning I got up and went to a church just down the street. It was nice. Next week Paul said we would all go to the later service - which is the "comptemory" service which will probably be more like what I am use too. After I got home, we went & got some lunch and then went and got some kabobs to cook on the grill. While at the grocery store I bought flowers for the mini whiskey barel out front that had a dead pine in it. So I decided that I needed to go to Wal*Mart for potting soil so we went together and I also picked up a new dress and we got ear protection for the range and some weed killer and some lawn weed n feed. Then off to Home Depot and I got my pond and the stuff I need to get it up and running minus the waterfall and the lights-lol. I am so spoiled sometimes! So Paul thought we should stop by the nursery for the veggies but they didnt have much out yet (of course I told him it was still too early to plant and when the lady there told him he that he was ok with it - go figure!) From there we came home and I planted my flowers and killed some weeds, and then sprayed the front yard. I am bound and determined to have the nicest yard on the block! So now I have to decide where to put the pond. Decisions decisions decisions - lol. I think I know where it will go and Paul seems ok with it. And Jake will be helping dig it out. OOOO and I discoverd that I have an outlet on the back of the a/c unit so we dont have to install one - yea!

Tomorrow is my last day "off" and I need to do laundry, pick up clothes from the cleaners and make arrangements to start the delivery service again, and grocery shop. Oh and clean house since Tuesday I have to go work (still praying for a miracle on that one!). My mom wanted to go back to the Toyota dealership on Wed but now we are doing it Tuesday after work. But I may have to see if she is willing to wait til Saturday. I am startin to feel stressed all over again - lol.

I guess I have rambled on long enough. You ladies are the best!!

Love to all,

Dawn

I want to start this entry with whats fresh on my mind and how annoyed I am at my ex husband. Jake hasnt been to his dads in probably three weeks - which is becoming more of the norm - between both of the schedules it can be hard to cordinate times and it peeves to me no end for Jake to go to his dads and his dad not be around and for Jake to be running the streets. So that being said, my ex was suppose to pick Jake up between 6 and 7. Around 5:30 the eye glass place called and Jakes replacement frames are in. The kid was excited. So I called his dad and left him a voice mail saying that they were in and since it was on their way home would he mind taking Jake to get them (we were cooking dinner - Jake was manning the grill). Well he calls back (on Jakes cell phone) and says he wont be here til 7:30. The opitcal place is open til 8 so its not a problem. Well, around 7:30 or a little later his dad calls and says its going to be another hour because the alarm system is being tested. We are all under the assumption that he is at work in Towson which is about a 30 minute drive to our house with no traffice issuses. Well, at 9 his dad calls again and says "we'll be there in an hour". So that tells me he is at his house. Hmmm.... Its a little over an hours drive one way - door to door (for me and I have a lead foot and the ex does not----the man did the speed limit the entire way to the hospital when I was about to have Jake - despite the fact that I was in hard labor). Then at 9:30 or so he calls and the truck broke down on Perryman Rd (that tells me he is within 10 minutes of his house), so I am like ask your dad what time he wants to meet in the morning. No, he will still come get him tonight. Now, thru all of this paul is hanging out with jake talking "man stuff" and once when Jake was out the room told me how he feels for Jake because he would wait and wait for his dad to come get him (Pauls dad would be at the bar). I went to bed and Jake got picked up at some point. Ok, so here is my complaint - why didnt he just come directly here to get Jake? I know he has a new live in girlfriend (whom Jake has never met - thank God, he hasnt exposed Jake to all his little "friends" - but I have been adament about Ed not exposing him to all the different women). So is she the insecure type who had to see where we live? Was she this anxious to meet my son? Whats with the alarm system? Yea he got one just before we seperated for the final time(like the week before or was it the week after???) - because he was working nights but that has been deactivated for sometime and since becoming full time national guard he doesnt do the night shift. I am just a little peeved at how long it took him to get here - the kid wanted to see his dad. I understand work hold ups - I really do. But the truth of the matter is my house is closer to my ex's than his house. Grr..... thanks for letting me get that off of my chest.....

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And yes, Noni, I think a part of me would enjoy working there. However, when Rob and Paul started to serriously discuss starting their own company it was made very clear (and I mean VERY) that even though I would be an ideal office manager it JUST WAS NOT AN OPTION. So perhaps I am feeling a little used or hurt, or maybe resentful. I dont know. They are meeting today so I guess I will know what is to become of my future - lol.

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I spent all day yesterday working in the yard on the leaves. What a chore, but thats what I get for wanting a house with a lot of trees - but thats fine with me. I did start to burn, but as my luck has it, the wind picked up so I stopped. But it is perfect outside. Since Paul is working all day, I need to get out and get started.

Hope everyone is doing well and has a wonderful weekend!!

Love to all,

Dawn

LOL...my days just kinda run together now that I am a domestic goddess LOL.

Went to the eye doctor with my contacts in because A. I never went in for my contact check with the new trials and of course because of the dang headaches. Note the contacts havent been worn much because they were more irritating than anything. Soooooooooo, bottom line is my eyes have changed - dramactically. What a bummer. I have been in no line biofocials since I was 30 (whats that - 2 years now - ha! more like 12) so to have to buy another pair of lenses is a bummer since it has only been 6 months. But on the bright side, I think I will go back to my old frameless frames (I just dont care for my new glasses). Now the really good news is, I wasnt charged for a visit. I waited til I was 6 months post op for my first eye check. I really hope that they stabilize - and soon! Hang on, gotta get the estrogen.....

Okay..got that taken care of. Despite the HRT I am still having issues with hot flashes and night sweats - more of a nusicance than anything else, but dont get to see the gyno til July. Ugh. But I just saw a tampon commercial on tv and realized that with the exception of getting emergency supplies for Tess, I havent had to stop for that stuff for a year! Too cool.

And yes, diverchick, Paul's work and company all but consumes him - and for some reason he seems to be pushing for me to come aboard - temporarily. I told him I wanted to be out of the office by June when school ends. He told me that wasnt much time. Pleaaazzeee....... It almost sounds like he wants me to fall in love with the job. I could. BUT I have this desire to persue my notary stuff and take care of my home. What a major conflict. And Mz.V - Paul cant leave work at work - he just cant (or wont) this company is his and Rob's baby - they brought her to life and at the end of the first year they were in the black. I know I could do the job (a bit rusty for the industry but I know it would come back to me) and the challenege would be fun and to be honest I miss the excitement of bid day, etc. But I am so afraid that it will consume me as well and I just dont want to be consumed by his baby - I am not willing to put in 12 hours a day - I will not put my job/career before my kids. We still havent decided, but I think next week I will be working for him. I need to get on the unemployment web site and figure out how to refile when it comes to end - since it is just temporary.

Jake is home sick - his stomach. He has been having a lot of problems with his tummy lately. And with the problems he has been having in school this is not a good thing. I feel like I am caught between a rock and a hard spot. But the poor kid looks horrible.

Spring has sprung - hopefully for good. I have to go to the cleaners and pick up Pauls clothes and then I think I will get up the leaves that have accumulated {again} and I think it will be a good day to burn. Paul is working tomorrow so if I dont go car shopping (thanks for the word on the toyotal diverchick! my mom felt good hearing that) I will finish refinishing my desk that has been interuppted due to weather. I tried to finish it inside, but the fumes were too bad (even the stain fumes). Oh and of course the never ending . Sign.....

Love to all,
Dawn


P.S. I know Jake is sick...he went to bed right after 9 last night, just got back up to get a drink of water and is back asleep again....I guess its a good thing that I let him stay home today. But he is suppose to go to his dads this weekend.....Wonder if the new girlfriend is ready for a moody and sick teenager?

LOL. Today is my year anniversary and I can honestly say that I have no regrets. It is also the 8 month anniversary of my daddys passing.......He supported me so much through all of my "female" surgeries with a tenderness and sympathy can not be explained. I miss him.

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Paul and I had a great talk the other night - thanks for all the kind words. I could only work for his company short term and would make sure that they (we) found the perfect office manager to replace Nirma. From what I understand, they could get someone from a temp agency if need be for their "receptionist" while she is on maternity leave. Paul so believes that I could do the job - not only do the job but excel in it (which makes me feel really good). BUT that isnt the problem - he lives, eats, sleeps, dreams this business he is in. Always has - even before he had his own company. Hence the reason we decided that I should stay out of it. Paul can not leave the office at the office. We would spend even more time talking about work than we do now. I told him it was up to him. If he wants me to come in SHORT TERM (which I stressed over and over again -LOL) I would. But I am not going to sacrifce our life & happiness together because of this. It would be an exciting challenge, but as I pointed out to him, we can not afford to have both of us fast tracking and working an average of 60 hours a week - there would be nothing left for us or more importantly the kids. He is a good dad (and stepdad) but we both know that I am the one that keeps tabs on the kids and knows what is going on their lives on a daily basis.

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took my mom car shopping yesterday - that was a lot of fun. She wants a small suv type of vehicle so we test drove a Toyota Hylander, a Ford Escape and Lincoln Mountainer. The Highlander and the Mountainer are the number contenders. They are very comparable as for luxury (which she wants =- and deservers!) and both ride more like a car or her mini van. So now I am researching them to death to find out if the extra money (close to 10 grand) is worth it for the Highlander. Major kudos goes to the owner of the Lincoln Mercury dealership - he handed us the keys without so much as even looking at her license-let alone making a copy! Mom called him "old school" which was funny. But that approach went a long way with both of us.

The bed I ordered a month ago finally came yesterday! Now I can rid of at least one of the dressers in the room to open it up ( we got a pedestal bed with storage) it is so pretty. The small things in life......

Jake is being a typical teenager and driving me crazy! Sometimes I feel like I am talking to Paul! Although his real dad showed up in him last night.....THEN he compared me to his {real} dad and I gotta tell ya, I did not appreciate that one bit and we talked about that. But I wouldnt trade him for anything in the world. LOL

Need to do laundry (ugh) and organize the bedroom. Also have an appointement with the eye doctor again (its only been 6 months) but my contacts just dont feel good and I have been getting more and more "eye" headaches from my glasses. I really hope I dont need a new prescription.

Have a great day!

Love to all,

Dawn

This is such a tragedy, it makes me so sad. Today is the 8 year anniversay of Colbine - also so sad. What has the world come to? Paul recently brought home an email that he printed out. It was by Ben Stine and how as Jewish, Christmas doesnt bother him (i.e Merry Christmas! Christmas trees etc) and then the second part being part of an interview with Billy Grahams daughetr about how we have asked God to leave our schools, businesses and etc and only look to him in times of trouble. There sure seems to be a lot of sense in that. I certainly remember school prayer and I still dont see thing a wrong with it. I loved watching our junior high football players say a prayer together before the game - (I listened once - they prayed for safety and strength) and of course at Scouts, when ever we have a ceremony and/or meal there is prayer.

I really feel for the family and friends of Va Tech - and as I listen to the the early show it leaves me pondering lots of things. They are talking about security and response. In a perfect world we wouldnt need to worry about those things. It is tragic but somehow I dont think it could have been prevented. Going by just what I have seen and heard - it appeared to start as some sort of domestic - a very real and everyday kind of thing - so sad. Unfortuntaly these things happen everywhere and no one is immune (its only been 6 months since the Amish shooting - and they above all mind their own business). The world is falling apart or so it seems. As always with these kind of tragic events, we will never know the "whys".....

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I have been getting massive headaches again so when I took Jake to get his glasses fixed (well, they had to order a new frame) I made a followup check for me. I never went for my contact follow up and the few times I have tried to wear them - it really wasnt worth the hassel and somehow I think I might have mixed old with new. So I hope to get that all straightened out and perhaps try a different brand as these arent very comfortable. I took Execedrin Migrane yesterday (the onset signs were all there) but didnt eat anything substanstianal so my tummy took a beating. Oh well - the headache went away - LOL.

Jake being dangerously close to failing the 8th grade has kicked it into high gear - he recently had a science project and got a 92%! Go figure......

Paul was in one of his "moods" last night. I know that there is a lot going on, but I am missing some of more intimate moments..sigh....even with no kids in the house, he just wasnt about it. I hope he works thru everything soon and can realize that he is human - he made a mistake - and its not the end of the world and that we will get thru it - together.

Tomorrow I see my mom - she has been down - still sounded that way a bit yesterday when we talked. I guess she too has to work thru her grief on her own terms as well. So we are going shopping for a new car for her (oh and a side trip to Joannes and Michaels ) and lunch at Panera Bread. I just love their french onion bread soup bowls...

As I didnt get much done in the way of house work yesterday, today - now I need to kick it into gear. I think I will put on a music channel on the tv (since we havent unpacked the cd's yet - I know....we are sad.... LOL)
I hope everyone is having a great day.

Love to all,

~Dawn~




Paul called me....it likes like I am going to work for the Company and I so do not want this. Before it started over a year ago, we discussed the pros and cons of us working together and decided that for us it would NOT work. But their Admin gal is leaving for a more challeneging position (and conflict with the one man everyone has conflict with) and the assistant they hired for her is going out on maternity leave the beginning of June. This has nothing to do me not wanting to work (not that I want to at this moment) and if push came to shove, I would get a job if it were necessary. I could tell from his voice that he isnt happy about this. AND it will cause problems with some of the wives (because we were all told that there was no way any of us were going to "work" for the company - help out - yes - but not be employed) and there have been several things adminstrativly I have helped with - but I like doing it from home. I am afraid that I will be walking into a situation that will, utlimatly become uncomfoftable. I have known Senior Partner as long or longer, actually than Paul. The 3 of us all worked at the former company once upon a time. I never worked directly with Senior Partner but could. I met Partner 1 a few years ago, socially and only Partner 2 since the company became a company. Senior Partner & Paul are going NO WHERE _ they are the backbone - Pauls role is the ********* when needed (Senior Partner is just too wishy washy at times - but I love him). Now Partner 1 is the CFO but according to Paul has no urgency about him and well, partner 2,just doesnt "fit" the way the others do. Originally Paul, and the partners were to earn in equally for partnership but that has changed or will be. See I KNOW TO MUCH. At times, Partner 2 sux up to Paul (because he knows he is the outsider and has Sr. Partners ear more than anyone). Also both partners jobs could be on the line - too much direct overhead. I just do not have a good feeling about this. Beisdes, I am Pauls vent person - offer ideas or just listen or play devils advocate. I can see myelf telling Paul to go f-off (not a good thing) or worse yet coping an attitude with Partner 2 (just from what little I know about him). Whew....I needed to get this out - I have called all kinds of people but cant get anyone! They must all be working - lol. What do I do?? going back to bed sounds like a plan. Oh well, better get back to the housework. Got sidetracked downloading songs. Hope everyone is having a great day!

As expressed by many, my deepest sympthaies to the families, friends and communities affected by this latest shooting.
Linda....I trust your neice and husband are safe? Many prayers to all.

Dawn

Although I shouldnt complain, cuz an hour or so North of me got snow and poor NYC with its 7.5" or rain - we only got about 2" so I am thankful for the small things.

We had a nice quiet weekend. Saturday I put a small fountain in the front yard - dug out the hole and even it got level (well as level as it could be considering I dont think I have a level spot in my whole yard - lol). Paul thought I was nuts since I was doing this before the rains but it kept me motivated to get it finished. I like it, Paul doesnt care for it much - his comment was have fun cutting the grass around it. My response - what grass? We have more moss than anything! Besides when I finish my "landscapping" around the fountain and light post, there shouldnt be a whole of mowing in that area.

Jake went down to Maryland to spend the night with his older brother (23) and Paul expressed some concern about that. Jasons wild times are pretty much over and besides he is renting the basement apartment from my mom so I knew there wouldnt be any wild parties. Its not like it was when Jake would go his dads and the boys would throw parties while their dad was at work. Besides, I am happy that Jason has come around and we are getting along and that he enjoys spending time with his younger brother. So after the boys left we went to dinner at Cracker Barrell - it was ok. Not as good as usual and all of our food pretty came out at once (soup, salads and in less than 5 minutes are entrees). Oh well. When we got home we chilled in front of the tube. It was nice to have some serious down time.

Yesterday was another chill day (with all the rain what else is there to do?) We met the boys ar Ruby Tuesdays and had a big lunch. Before that we went to Pier 1 - uh oh...We walked out after spending friviously. Oh well. I do love my candles.....

I have no work set up for this week but thats okay, as I really need to clean and start laying out my "office" and scrapbooking area and get the work out area cleaned out. It is sad that we moved in Decmeber and I am STILL unpacking. Ah well. Its not going to be nice enough to work outside this week so might as well devote my time to inside stuff. I just wish I could paint the kitchen but Paul has nixed my colors. Grr....

And News, I agree a good cry helps and yes once the swelling goes down, the eyes look better! I hope its get out my system soon though. Personally, I think being off the lexapro has let me relase the rest of the grief over my dad - well maybe not the rest, but you know what I mean (I hope anyway). Things were so busy and hectic right after he passed and now that things have slowed a bit I am expierencing the relesase I couldnt before (if that makes sense) but today I can think about him and not cry (at least at this moment - lol).


Time is ticking - I need to get to the post office to mail state and local taxes (with money of course!) Paul finally gave me the stuff to do his.....nothing like waiting til the last minute. Although he thinks I screwed up - but it was really simple thanks to the technology of doing it all on line! But I wont pay the "convience fees" to pay on line.

Love to all,
Dawn

P.S. It feels so good to be BACK and I want to thank you for all your kind words and support. I love all of you!

Okay-made it thru my birthday - what a relief. I have always known how close and important my parents are to me-but the past 8 months have made me realize that no matter how prepared you are for death its not easy. I can not even begin to imagine my life without my mom seeing how hard it is for me some days without my dad.

My one year hysterversary is just around the corner....and I feel good-no make that great! I saw my PC yesterday and she didnt flip about me going cold turkey with the lexapro. She wants to be get a lipids done to make sure that I dont need to go back on the lipitor. I will do that by the end of the month. If I dont hear from her, its all good - call when I need to come in. Yea . Now, being off the lexapro has increased my ability to cry (like over hallmark commercials - but I am OK with that). My BP was 104/71 - the nurse said I had the bp of a yound chick! (She is if I had to guess about 15 yrs older than me). Now I dont have my annual done until July (getting an appt with the dentist is easier!) and I guess thats when I will have my next mamo.

Things with Paul have been up and down - the hours he works are crazy and he tends to keep things inside. Well, yesterday he called me about 5:30 and it sounded like the only reason he was calling was to bust my chops about what I had done all day (I had a loan closing so I did work yesterday) , so I decided to get back onto career builder and expand my search area (not that I want to do that commute back to Baltimore) and found 2 okay sounding jobs. So he finally gets home, we play scrabble with jake, and just hang out. I tell him about the jobs and he tells me that he likes me staying home and that he thinks I should put effort into my working as an independant contractor doing the signings! Talk about blown away. Ofcourse this past week I had four and so far nothing for next week.

I want to thank everyone for the support and kind words. The past year has taken a toll on me - but that that doesnt kill us only makes us stronger.....lol


I am starting to get caught up - not commenting much, but just know that I think of you wonderful ladies often!

Love and Prayers,

Dawn

As I sit here, I am trying to get out of my funk. I am counting my blessings but still feel down and out.

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Today, I have two assignments as a closing agent. With a total of 4 booked for the week. I am really hoping that I can bring in enough money to keep Paul off my case about getting a "real" job - LOL. I have started doing reverse mortgages and love the older people.

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Things I am grateful for: Paul for being a great partner. My mom - I couldnt ask for a better mommy/friend. Jake and Tessa - two of the coolest teenagers in the world (proud mom?? lol!). Health - things have been pretty consistant since my hyster - big relief.

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If I keep reminding myself of all the good in my life, I can come out of my funk. I see my PC on Friday and have a feeling that she is going to flip because I stopped my lexapro without weaning (and ahead of schedule) but I couldnt find the last scrip so I just went with it. Did great for the first month - but have been weepy a little bit. I think it is a combination of things. Loss of a job (not necessarily a bad thing), missing my dad (a LOT). I think it is more prevaliant now because my birthday & hysterversary are around Easter and my dad was so about telling me about the day I was born and was always so supportative and understanding of all my "female" problems.

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Journals may not make much sense - not looking for sense - looking for release.

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Need to shower and work on laundry before my first appointment
\
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I miss you guys and will work on catching up -


Love to all,

Dawn

About six weeks and a lot has happened. My company closed the York office - oh well. No big deal for the moment busy being a domestic goddess. I have been struggling with the loss of my dad here lately. I am coming up on my one year hysterversary and my birthday. Had Easter dinner yesterday - I did all the cooking (usually it is Paul) and I must say that I amazed myself. Have much to say but nothing flows at the moment. I will be glad when spring gets here - it will come wont it? hehe.
I want/need to get caught up with you ladies-but I feel as if I am starting from scratch. I have missed this site and you ladies but for some reason couldnt come here - not real sure why because this place has given me much comfort and support for the past year. I just need to find my groove.
Love to all
Dawn

Gosh its been almost 10 days.....hmm... And to be honest I dont think I have been all that busy - just stuff I guess. I have missed journaling so I am not sure why I havent been. Hmm....

We are getting more wintry mix and from what I read I guess a lot of you all ready got this mess. Paul and I went out earlier to the store for a few things and it was just snowing. I took the time to clean off the explorer so it wouldnt be as much in the morning. A few hours later we had to go get Jake, and it was raining. On the way back, we started getting the mix - I can handle snow but I really hate ice. And no matter what I MUST make it in to work tomorrow.

I really have no idea what is going on at work. Sales are down as is morale. But I was really surprised to find that my installation manager, Gary, has been tracking my time off on his calendar. It was noted the day I didnt go to work (the 14th) and then he also noted the times I came in the following two days. He isnt my boss, and we have always gotten along so I am not real sure what is up with that. I dont, as a general rule like confortation, but I am not comfortable with that. Its not like him to track me, so I am not sure if it because someone asked him to or what. I mean things between us are fine and I do my job, so I just dont know. But on the other hand my job isnt all that great so I really dont think I should worry about it. My branch manager (my boss) has been pretty nice and sending me text messages to say thanks and the like. We havent had much time to talk about things so I guess thats his way of letting me know that he appreciates me - which is kinda weird in itself. I dunno. I mean, last year I was off a lot - between the surgery, my dads passing and moving, and somehow I managed not to use half a vacation day. And I know some people were not happy that I was taking time off for my moms surgery and recovery, but hey I have my priorities. Besides, its not like my job is that hard and there are actually parts of it that can be done by others so I dont know. I would really look for a new job in earnest if I knew when we are going to tie the knot. We still havent set a date for that yet. Geez.

Next weekend we will be helping Crystal move into her apartment. She is getting all excited. She is getting furniture from my moms basement. Thats a win win situation - well almost. Jason (one of my step sons) has just moved into the basement for a couple of months. But mom let him know that Cyrstal was taking some of the stufff. She may need to be nice and leave a couple of the things for Jason to use til May when he will be leaving there. He has a room mate lined up, but her current lease isnt up until May. And the apartment he was renting (basement of a private home) the guy wanted him & his buddy out because he & his wife are getting back together. And his buddy is moving to florida, so Jason needed a place. My mom is happy to have him around to help out as the weather gets nicer - it it does that is!

She got a good report from the surgeon about her back. She still has at least another 6 weeks off of work, but she can drive and lift up to 40 pounds and start weaning off of the brace so she is happy. I think she went to my brother & SIL's almost every day last week to see the new baby, who by the way in a month has gained almost 4 pounds! She also has PT three times a week. She was suppose to come up yesterday, but got sick - but it was pretty quick. She said she feels fine today. Its her birthday today but she isnt alone cuz Jason is there.

Oh well, not a whole lot really going on. Had a lazy weekend and I must say it was much needed and felt good. I hope all are doing well!

Love to all,

Dawn

that describes you ladie! Thank you! As you can see, I made it safe and sound. I am sure my street is still ice and some of the "secondary" roads are still crap. Two interstates are still closed - one going to NY and the other going to NJ. But thats more North of me. To get people to use the Turnpike they have waived the tolls today. Lucky for me I dont have to travel far. Some of the roads thru the "city" were okay and some werent. I am going in late again today because I need to sign a permission slip for Jake to go snow tubbing with a friends youth group. My boss didnt care. The guys from corporate arent coming up - and thats probably a good thing as the Baltimore Washington area didnt get hit nearly as hard as we did. Jake got most of the ice off the driveway (Paul said it wasnt enough - LOL) and then helped our neighbor. She is older and lives alone so she appreciated it. When Paul found out about that, he was so proud of Jake. I dont like to brag and no one knows what the future holds, but it sure seems as if we are doing a good job with Jake. I wasnt too worried about our "driveway" - its more of a pad that holds 2 vehicles side by side. What use to be the garage is our dining room and laundry room. But we both have 4 wheel drive to get in & out. We have realized tho that the water sits at the end of it - the pad is definatly slopped - so I see this being somewhat of a problem in the winter especially. While I was out yesterday I had to buy another shovel (one broke) so I got three and 4 20lbs bads of ice melt. One bag is gone already! Oh and the ice is so thick that Jake & his buddy broke two shovels - the digging metal kind! Guess home depot, lowes and true value are going to replace walmart as my favorite store! LOL

I was only at work for 3 hours - it was pretty laid back, and I got my stuff done so I am not behind. I imagine that I wont have to spend a whole lot of time there this afternoon.

Paul got home real late (9:30) they have a night crew working at Shock trauma so he took Robert (head partner) down to check out the job and such. I know the field guys really appreciate it when the "bosses" show up - (they started a mechanical construction company - plumbing, hvac etc). Night work is a pain and working in a hospital is even a bigger pain.

We dont have much on the agenda this weekend. Paul will pick up Tessa sometime this evening-tonight. Jake will be tubbing. Paul will probably work tomorrow so I will clean house. The kitchen floor is getting really grimey from the snow/ice/& melt stuff. Tomorrow night we are going to a hockey game (hershey bears) - we got reduced tickets through scouts so that should be fun. Sunday ofcourse I will go to my moms.

Pauls oldest, Crystal, will be going with me I think. She found her own apartment to move into on March 1st. I am happy for her but worried as well. long story short - she left an abusive husband almost 4 years ago - drove from Louisanna to Pennsylvania with a 4 month old and moved in with us. Met a man (she is now 24 and hes in his late 40s), but its just not working. She found a better paying job in Maryland and to make the comute easier she will be moving closer to the line and closer to us. My mom has odds and ends furniture in her basement that Crystal can have. So we will go check it out. Mom wants to sell and move in a couple of years - it is just too much house and yard for her anymore. Soo it will be a win win for mom & crystal. Of course Paul and I will have to load the stuff and help her move. I sure hope she lines up some young strong men to help! LOL. remember we hired movers when we moved - lol!

I must say that I am enjoying not rushing into work in the mornings, but alas next week it will back to the SSDD. But it has been nice while it lasted.

Have a great day ladies! And stay safe and warm. Temps with wind chill will be single digits for us....brr....

Love to all,
Dawn

Good morning!
My street is a solid sheet of ice, as is my bosses so I have a delay. Yeah!! Paul called me once he got out on the trail and it is all backed up because there was an accident on the Interstate at our exit again today. Yesterday Jake told me the trail was backed up with tractor trailers - the news said it was closed for 3 hours. I cant even imagine.

I got the kitchen done yesterday and even made some bannana nut muffins- now dont go getting all excited - they were not homemade LOL. But I enjoyed it. Paul got home with the steaks and potatoes so I made dinner while him & Jake went out. Paul wanted to have a talk with him. The other night he walked into his room and well it was an embarassing situation for both. But they are close and not only is Paul Jakes stepdad but they are "buddies" too. Paul said their talk went well and wouldnt tell me anymore than that. i am just glad that he will talk about sex and stuff with Jake cuz I know my ex wont. He didnt with the older boys - it was all up to me. So at least I have back up - and I think it is good for Jake to have a man to talk to - same equipment if ya know what I mean......

I got flowers and candy. Paul said he felt bad for not getting me anything else. I was like please......dont even worry about it. I would rather the money go towards the house and such. Tessa told him he better be good to me because I spent a lot on him LOL. She does look out for me. But we still have a wedding to plan. ugh..... Dont get me wrong, I think it is great that he wants to do it "right" but its still a pain. See, Paul never does anything on a small scale so I get a little nervous. But hes a great man.

I guess I should shower and attempt to go in. Dont feel like it and I dont think Paul wants me too. But I should. Even if its just for a couple of hours. Luckily I live about 9 miles from my office and I can through town and avoid the interstate. Tomorrow the guys from corporate are suppose to come up for a sales meeting so I really should go make sire the office is presentable. Ha.

Stay warm everyone and have a great and safe day!

Love to all,

Dawn

Good morning and happy valentines day ladies! We got the ice ontop of the snow so I decided that no job is worth risking life and limb. My boss didnt mind. Of course Paul being the dedicated small business owner/partner left out of here about an hour ago so he can at least get the payroll done. He did stuck in the driveway (he has a Ford F250 4x4) so I have decided that I am not going ANYWHERE. I was going to venture out and perhaps pick up some steaks but he said he would pick something nice up for dinner. We really dont do much for v-day and since Decemeber with buying the house, getting engaged, etc. its not like I need today to prove that he loves me. LOL. But I did pick up some stuff and a card for him. Holidays and birthdays are not his strong suite but thats ok.
Our district closed today! Thank God for that. Being the only school that almost never delays or closes kind of scared me but they made the right choice. So jake has a 6 day weekend - lucky little bugger. I just hope he appreciates it now - because once you become an adult..... I know that I will have to go in tomorrow. Its not often that weather keeps me home - but I dont mess with ice.

T1gger, as for the Lunesta I will have to check about that one. I have Ambien and sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt. I took one Monday night and woke up in a fog yesterday which is unusual for me. When I was suffering with night sweats NOTHING worked. I still have some of the crud left in me so that probably isnt helping matters. Last night I slept good. Its a hit or miss thing here lately. But if it continues I will call my dr. Which reminds me, I have to schedule my annual...ugh.

Just went upstairs to get more coffee and its snowing and freezing rain and just misserable out there. I hope that Jake and I can get the bulk of the driveway done-especially at the end where it is higher. Only time will tell. But I am not going to stress over it.

I think I will focus on organizing the kitchen today. That still hasnt been done. Tesssa did a really good job of unpacking and finding places but I am not pleased with the flow. There is still plenty to do around here. The back part of the basement (storage/exercise/work room) still has a lot of boxes that need to be gone thru. And the floors need to be vacuumed, swept and washed. I am just having a hard time getting motivated LOL.

i hope everyone has a great valentines day and for those of you dealing with ice snow mixture..stay safe!!

Love to all,
Dawn

happy Tuesday evening!

Well it finally snowed here - enough to cover the grass and then some. It was a harrowing ride to the dealership in the grand marquis. I am glad to be rid of the loaner and happy to have my explorer back. Unfortunatly, the repairs did cost me. But I am not done with that siutation at this time.

About the cat....yes I know it is funny to think of taking the cat to the groomer. This is the first time I have had an indoor cat. She wont use the scratching post - she prefers the new furniture. Boy did that cause a lot of fights! But Paul loves her too and he was the one who adopted her me for my birthday 2 years ago. But I now have the confidence to at least trim her nails.

Our school district almost never closes even when the others in the same county do. Jake got out early today so he was happy. Of course he is hoping for a snow day tomorrow. That would give him a six day vacation. His school is closed thurs & friday for teacher in service and of course mon is presidents day.

I have actually cooked yesterday and today! I am starting to feel like this new house is home. I am still searching and looking for things, but not as much as I was. If all goes well with my mom's doctors appointment on Monday she should be able to do a little more and wont need me to do as much. We had a good visit as always on Sunday. She wanted to go the grocery store & the bank, (bank is in the grocery store) so off we went. She bought more than she needed and I was able to get a few things as well. I had an impluse buy of sour apple mix for martini's. So on the way home we had to stop to buy the good vodka - she explained the importance of making a good martini to me. She got one of these sets for a present that had different mixes for martinis so she even showed me how to properly make one. It was fun.

Paul picked up Jake and took the kids to the gun and motorcycle show while I was at moms. They had fun. I picked up this mix for cheddar potato soup and I made that when I got home and it was real good.

I have made a dent in catching up laundry which as we all know is something that you never catch up on! But I did get a couple of throws washed that needed it. Now the only excess stuff I have is some extra comforters and afgahns that were downstaris in the old house that need to be washed so I can store them for when they are needed.

Work was a pain the behind today. It was just one of those days. My VP is desperatly trying to save his job because our numbers have been lousy for the past few months. And it is becoming very aparent that he will do anything and tell the new reps anything to land a sale and that is really starting to bug me. So we are have communications problems within the office because of the sales or lack there of. I have tend to get sarcastic and my manager doesnt appreciate it. Oh well. I just get so *******g tired of the rules changing everyday. We are so unprofessional in that respect. Paul just got done asking me if I had a bad day because I was a little on the bi**chy side. Hmm.... Of course I could look for a new job but I dont feel like going thru all that hassel. I still dont feel the greatest and sleep is a hit or miss kind of thing. Oh well.

I wonder if I will have to go into work tomorrow? Hmm.. I probably should weather permitting. Ugh... I just want to finish putting my house together.

Thats about all that is going on in my life for now. Idol is on and Paul is in a chatty mood.

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

I am still tired but actually slept well last night thanks to the tylenol PM. We had a good day yesterday. I started by calling a groomer that works on cats. See MaxieCat is "evil-eveil I tell you" (that was jake) - shes not, she doesnt like to be groomed all that much and I have always been afraid to cut her nails myself. So I get to the groomers just for the nails and find out that they had a cancellation and could give her bath and get rid of about 90% of the dead hair. I was like this is great! So off I go back to the house. I no sooner get the keys out of the ignition and my cell phone is ringing. He cant do Maxie she freaked out. Sigh.....so off I go to reclaim her. He told me that after they are hooded they tend to calm down, but nooooo not my kitty. She was scratching biting jumping. He told me that I could probably get a mild seditive (similiar to valium) for her groomings. Ok, but I remember when she was adopted and we took her to our vet and had to go on antibiotics - that was not fun. So while Tessa and I were out and about I went to Petco to get nail trimmers because her claws were actually catching on the carpet when she walks. While there I found these "anxiety drops" that are all natural. What the heck I thought. I knew getting them directly in her mouth would be a challenge in itself so I put the drops on a treat. She did settle down. So I was able to get her nails cut. I also bought those caps to see if they work but wasnt about to try them last night. She wasnt all that happy with me when I went to bed. Oh well.

Tessa and I had fun and things seem to be better between us. I am happy about that. She got her dads bday present and something for one of her friends. I picked up some v-tines presents for Paul. We had lunch at Chilis which is always fun.

The dealership calls, my radiator is bad. My alternator is almost gone which caused the battery to die. My warranty is thru Vehicle One and they are closed on Saturdays. I swear this better be covered. I have only had the explorer since Dec 16th and have only put 2710 miles on it - okay that might be a lot, but the holidays moving and not to mention running to my moms all the time.... I told them all of this too. They have this customer for life slogan--we shall see how this goes. And the snow is suppose to come this week. I want my truck back - not the grand marquis they loaned me!

Paul worked yesterday so when he got home he took a nap and then we decided to go try the Japanese Steak house and it was really neat. We had a good time there.

I need to get off of here and go work on laundry, get a shower and get ready to go to moms so I can do her laundry and stuff. I love my mom to death and would do anything for her - but to be honest I am ready to spend some time here in my new house. Soon I know. Which reminds me, we have to get her xrays done this week for her post op visit next Monday. Must remember to discuss this with her!

Okay enough ramblings....Hope all you wonderful ladies are doing well!

love to all,

Dawn

Thanks for all the encouraging words! I still pretty lousy but not as bad, but now just one nostil is running pretty much non-stop and my poor nose is red. Sigh...feel sorry for me yet? LOL

So I go to work today-ugh. But I did manage to get all caught up - yea! But on the other hand it took me most of the day cause I was moving so slow. I finally get to leave and decide to take the highway home incase I need to swing by the dealership. See last Monday when I was going to work (it was like 3 degrees or so) my new to me Found On Road Dead expolorer OVERHEATED! I was shocked. So I borrowed a car and ran down to advance and got some antifreeze - the 50/50 blend so I didnt have to worry about measuring. Ran ok going home. Went to the doctors no problem, ran out last night for subs (okay so that trip was less than a mile round trip) again no problems. Start the car this morning no problems start driving to work and all the idiot lights come on telling me the car is over heating again! And that it had a low charge. So of course this all happens again on the way home. Well dummy me takes I-83 since the dealership were I bought the car is right there at the interstate. I pull off onto the shoulder to let her cool down a mile to go mind you and she WONT START! I had to call a tow truck. I have the extended warranty so I am really hoping that this all covered and I didnt wind up with a lemon. This explorer is 2 years old and only has 46000 miles on it (okay I have put 2500 miles on it since Dec 16th) but STILL! And it was a fleet vehicle and I had bought a previous fleet vehicle before and it ran great. So tomorrow I should know whats going on. Anyway, with the special warranty I also get rental privilages. So while giving all the info to the service guy I say something about the rental coverage and how it isnt my fault that the truck broke down at 4 PM on a Friday. So they gave me a loaner. Their sologan is "Customer for Life" so we shall see. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

The house is quiet - its just me and Tess and she is sleeping. Jake has gone to his dads (sigh....) and Paul is at a Building Congress Bull Roast. I got to go last year but not this year. But I dont mind. He is really into networking when he attends those functions. The company has really made a name for itself in the past year (whew!! what a relief....not that I was worried about him & Robert succeeding - they live the mechanical construction industry). And since they have foremen and employees this year, they bought tickets for all the foremen - which i think is great. Besides it looks as if we are going to the Engineers Society Ball later this winter. Great....Guess I need to get an evening gown..is that what one wears to a black tie ball? I dunno - I am just a simple girl....ha ha

Ther is so much to do, but its Friday night - I think I will just chill out. I am tired and there is always tomorrow.

I hope everyone is staying warm! Hugs and prayers to all of you!

Love to all,

Dawn

and I dont know where the time goes. LOL. Currently I am sick with a double ear infection, sinus problems and swollen glands. I went to the doctor yesterday and have managed 2 doses of the amoxicilian and I think I might be turning a corner. Woo hoo! I have been home since Monday afternoon and thought about struggling to go in today, but decided that the work can wait another day. They will get over it-haha.

My mom is doing very well. I went and got her so she could watch the superbowl with us. Sad that Chicago lost but we had a good time. And she enjoyed getting out of her house for a while. She goes to the doctor on the 19th for her 6 week check up and she might be able to drive after that. Its hard to believe that it has been almost 6 weeks since her fusion.

Winter has hit us hard. But not a lot of snow just really cold and windy. By the weekend they are anticipating reaching the 30's. I know that I wouldnt survive where in upper New York or the central US - haha.

We finally got the family room part of the basement finished with the cherry paneling and it looks really good. Paul did a good job. Now to decided what we are doing with the rest. We are thinking of drywalling and painting and then doing cherry from chair rail lenght down - if that makes sense. Anyway, I have pictures and one day will make a before/after album. One day when there is time and energy. Haha.

Jake is growing up so nice-IMHO-LOL. He has been taking good care of mom in the evenings. But I have come to the realization that he is NOT Penn State bound or any college for that matter. But he will do well. And who knows what will happen once he reaches hight school. But I am not holding my breath.

Tessa...wow...14 year old girls are something else that is for sure. We have been having a time of it for the past couple of weeks. I swear at times it has been her older sister (Brit) that has been talking to me the way she has been. But I think I got my point across. We shall see this weekend when she comes up. Paul has some comittments and Jake will be at his dads so it will be just the two of us for a good part of the weekend. I am still feeling slightly used by her - but I dont believe that is the truth. I just think it is growing pains on her part. And I tend to forget that she is only 14 because her mother has chosen to treat her like an adult since she was about 5. I really feel that Tessa has been robbed of certain aspects of her childhood. And that is sad because it cant be given back to her. We were im'ing last night (after a bit of a witchy session earlier) and my heart breaks - just absoultly breaks and there is nothing that I can do about it. She has taken to swearing "like a sailor" (but not around her dad and I) and apparently has been dropping the "F" bomb at her house and all her mom does is tell her not to do it. Tess said maybe if she smacked me I would remember. thats sad isnt it. I am so afraid for her future. I just wish her mother would stop trying to be her friend and to be a parent. But tess will be here for the next two weekends so that is a good thing.

Work is work. I like my job but I dont. I just dont know what to do. I dont want to start over somewhere else, but I am not sure that they will keep our office open if we dont make budget soon. We came close for January but close doesnt cut it. i shouldnt stress over it - just play it by ear. After all this isnt the first time that we have had several bad months in a row.

I think it might time to lay down again. I am getting really tired again. Not that I have done much. I hate being sick - I really do. It suxs - big time - just as day time television!

I hope all are well and I look forward to catching up with my old friends and meeting the new ladies.

xoxo
Dawn

instead of TAH-BSO! My surgery was 9 months ago today! Where oh where does the time go? And yes, I do feel better today. I like to think that since my dear sweet SIL had so much trouble getting pregnant the first time, that my hysterectomy somehow made it possible for her to conceive without trying (dumb perhaps, but.....) And yes, 2 two before my 9 month mark she delivers. Blessings sure can be disguised, cant they?

Anyway....winter has arrived here in south central PA. We missed the snow from the central US, so we just have cold and blustery winds. Last week barely needed a coat - this week is another story that is for sure. But I do enjoy the change of seasons. I wish it would snow.

I better get back to work - I hope all you wonderful ladies have a great weekend!

Love to all,

Dawn

Forewarning - this is liable to be rambling post, tinged with jealousy, self pity and news of the new baby......

OKay...the fingers are going to take over so here goes. Yesterday we welcomed Ryan into the family (my brother & SIL's second child) and he is adorable! So unlike his big brother. First, I am very happy for them. But at the same time, I am sad for me - even though I have reason to be. I never wanted children..never saw them as a part of my life. But then I married a man three adorable towhead boys that have become fine young men. Never had the desire to become pregnant - and knew the chances of that ever happening were slim. But, I did get pregnant--and I loved every minute of it. So much so that I wanted to have a least one more but my ex took care of that. Perhaps a big part of the reason he is my ex-but that is neither her nor there. (Ramblings as I said). I got to the hospital tonight and was hit with huge pang of jealousy! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT??????? Arg.....I am too old (in my humble opinion) to have another child even if I was "equipped" to do so. The pang is so strong though, that my breasts even feel heavy. Sigh.....I am sure this will pass, but it sure is frustrating.

I have no reason to feel this way. My soulmate and I just purchased a house, are making our relationship legal, I have four wonderful "boys" three of whom despite everything have become outstanding young men and one who is on the way there. I have a 14 year old step daughter that I adore and who loves me back. I have no real desire to start over with a new baby - I am happy with my life overall. So why the sudden pang of extreme jealousy?

I am hoping that it is major sleep deprivation.... Although last night I did finally sleep all night (ok, yea it wasnt natural but what the heck - I needed it!!!).

I took mom to the doctor yesterday to get the zillion staples out of her back - they all say she is doing great. The new grandma is in 7th heaven because even though she couldnt be at the hospital for the birth, she got to go see him today- . She now has to wear this bone growth stimulator 24/7. She doesnt feel it or anything and forgets that she has it on. So that is good. Everyday she seems to get better and better. I am very happy she is doing so well.

The unpacking has come to a standstill. I havent been home long enough to do much here. Then there is the old house....I finally scheduled the hauling company to come remove the trash and junk. I can not believe that I am paying someone to come and do this, but I just havent had the time! I still have to clean the old place yet.

Oh and then there is a wedding to plan....my newphews birthday is Monday (oops! but not to worry - Auntie Dawn will get it all taken care of!) and Paul's birthday is in two weeks.... But at least I have figured out what to get him - I think anyway. He wants a 30/30 riffle - so I am considering getting him one. I am not sure if I should or not....but I probably will. I just hope I do as well with the gun as he did my engagement ring!

I almost bought a laptop tonight - not a real expensive one, but I didnt. Mostly because Jake was like "Mom, you need to talk to dad first. After all he is going to be your "official" husband soon. He is right. Even though I have the money to do it, it does fall under the category of "major purchase" (in my eyes anyway) and I would be peeved if he up & did something like that. Of course I would get over it, but he wouldnt do something like that anyway. Sigh.....

Work....what a joke. I wish I could quit. Well I could, but it isnt right. Again I think my issues fall under the category of sleep depravation and too much to do.

I think I will get some cheese to go with my w(h)ine! haha.... Actually I should just go to be. Paul isnt home and I dont know when he will be. He some sort of business owners "social club" meeting. Whatever....

There...it is all out on paper and I think perhaps I feel somewhat better. Perhaps.

Have a busy weekend coming up - gotta go get stuff from the old house and put some sort of organization to trash removal (some stuff stays...it belongs to the house) and Sunday is mom's day. I am trying to catch up with those I know, and those I havent met yet.

I hope everyone is doing well. Love, hugs, and prayers to all my sisters. For those that read all this nonsense thank you for bearing with me..

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

P.S. I really really miss my dad.....BUt I know he is in a better place and looking over my baby brother, sil and the new baby. God bless.....

is cleaning the kitchen because Paul cooked last night and doing laundry but instead I am here (I was at myspace earlier chatting with my cousin in Chicago). Especially since in a while I will have to go to my mom's, get Jake and take Tessa home. Oh well.

I was really disappointed in how my boys played last night. The Ravens deserved the loss, I hate to say it but it is true. So for me, football season is OVER - of course I will watch the super bowl, but it is over for me. There is always next year.

I didnt accomplish much yesterday. I havent been sleeping well. I am hoping to get into a routine here in the near future. Although, I did finally get my engagement back to the jewlers to be resized and get the pearl earring that fell apart replaced or rather ordered. Oh and I finally got a much needed haircut, so I guess that means I should cover the grays and perhaps do the eyebrows. But in all honesty, it sounds like too much work - LOL.

I hope this finds all well. And Noni, thanks for the prayers and support. I am really surprised at how well my mom is doing! The first words to me while in the recovery room was "I am laying on my back and it doesnt hurt - no tingling or pain!" I havent seen her since Friday afternoon so it will be interesting to see how she is doing today!

Love to all,

Dawn

when you are having fun...NOT! hehe What a busy time this has been. First, mom's surgery went really well. Noni thanks again for all that wonderful advice you sent a while back! The surgery took a little longer because her back was "really crummy" (surgeons words!) but on the plus side they didnt have to take bone from her hip because her joints were all overgrown and such so he was able to use them for the fusion. I just cant believe how quickly they want to push you out of the hospital. It just blows my mind. Of course I am sure that I was being over protective. My fears were not rational in a logical sense, but I was really freaking about the surgery - I guess because it really hasnt been that long since we buried my dad. I stayed with her for a few days. I came home last night - so good to be home. But I do feel some guilt for leaving. However, I must admit that she was really getting along very well and able to do the basics without any trouble.

The new house....we are pretty much settled. But there is still much to do. We are trying to figure out what room to do first. I think we should do the basement family room before the upstairs living room. I mean that is where the tv and computer are and where we spend most of our time. Paul wants to put up cherry paneling downstairs - it is really pretty, but I am afraid it will be way to dark. He thinks he can get the lighting just right so it isnt too dark. We will see. Of course I would like to do the kitchen at the same time - but that just isnt realistic. While at mom's I watched alot on HGTV - and have a good feel for where I want to go with the kitchen. The biggest cost in that room will be the new counters. What we have now is tile and some of it is in really bad shape as far as cracking. It is also trimmed in wood which is starting to look rough just due to the constant washing. I wanted to also put down tile on the floor but I found a lament that looks like tile. One thing at a time.....

Jake is doing well. He and Paul had a blast while I was gone - just like a couple of bachelors. They didnt wreck the place too bad and even managed to do a load of laundry. Of course neither one of them can put a dish in the dishwasher. Oh well. The end of the marking period is almost here so it will be interesting to see what his grades are. I think there will be some improvement. But not as much as I would want.

I need to schedule my yearly and my mamogram. Joy Joy. It is hard to believe that I am 9 months post op. Time flies! Over all feeling really well. Still have the pouch but to be honest I havent done much to get rid of it.

I hope all have a great weekend.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

As I sit here enjoying the last few minutes of quiet, I realized that I havent been here in 2 weeks. WOW. So a breif update....
December 13th - Paul proposed. WOW- I NEVER Saw it coming. The ring is beautiful (but he keeps telling me to upsize the diamond - to me it is perfect ) He cried, I cried, it really was something amazing. He called my mom and my brother to ask for their blessings. My daddy would approve - I can feel it in my heart - maybe that is what made Christmas a little more easier.

December 14th - SETTLEMENT-went better than expected! We even got money back-woohoo!

December 15th - SNAFU with the electric company - no electricity til Monday. Oh well stuff happens.

December 16th - Finally got myself an SUV. Gonna be running a lot this winter with mom's surgery just a week away (L4/L5/S1 fusion - January 4th - please keep her in your prayers...having horrible nightmares about the whole thing).
Bought paint - took it to the house - too dang cold even though the weather was nice - warmer outside than inside.

December 18th - tearing down wall paper murial - I have no fingernails left....Took down ocean murial in living room.

Rest of the week - painitng, taping, finished shopping. Oh sheeeit - havent packed! Starting (LOL) burning not only both ends of the candle but start the middle as well!

Christmas Eve at my moms....tough but nice. SIL having contractions but baby hasnt flipped or dropped. Poor thing is miserable. She bawled the most, but thats ok. We all miss daddy. Have a toast tell funny "George" stories. Boys all there except Eddie - he is still in Iraq. Overall a nice Christmas eve.

Christmas day - run to Baltimore - have Christmas with my MIL's - wow they are officially gonna be my mother in laws - I love 'em to death. Nice but we are exhausted.

More packing. Movers come Friday morning. Found a steal at the clearance center for a new sofa & love seat for the basement family room. Uh oh..No one called the cable company....no tv or internet til Wed the Jan 3rd. Oh well. I hope we can get a local channel to watch the ball drop at midnight...But hey who kknows if we will be awake then anyway? LOL

Oh and admist all this, Paul wants a church wedding! So we are trying to plan a wedding as well. He wants me to wear white - I said NO way (this is my 3rd) personally I want to wear red...mom doesnt care as long as I dont wear black.

ALl this activity has been good for me. It has kept me from shutting down. But somehow, I feel this is what my dad would have wanted. He wasnt a crier and Lord knows he had plenty to cry about.

Poor Maxi-Cat - she is all freaked out. Boxes and hustle everywhere. Oh well. Quiet time is almost over - time to wake the kids and crack the whip! Tessa and Jake both came home last night. They are wonderful. OH!! Birky Lady - love that "unplugged"!! I am using that from now on!

Work - what can I say - it is necessary. BUt I think things might be moving in a more positive direction. We shall see once the new year starts. I am trying to get out of going to a corp kick off meeting near DC on Tuesday. I would rather spend the day all alone at the office catching up from being off this week.

I must say that I more out of shape than I realized. I am using muscels that have been dormant for years! LOL - forgot how many muscels makes the body work. Just tackle all kinds of paper removal, painting and packing and you will be reminded! OOOOO----my chest muscels hurt! Hmmm...will it make my boobies come back? I doubt it, but perhaps the constant diet of fast food wiill - or is that my but that will get bigger?? Heheh..... No cooking til we move. The two local sub shops are gonna love us even more! Oh well.

I will try to catch up with all of you wonderful ladies beffore we lose the cable & internet - but not sure if I can. But when January comes and I am caring for mom I will have a little more time.

I wish you all a happy and blessed new years! I really love each and everyone of you!

Love and prayers and blessings to each one of you!

xoxo
Dawn

I am soooo tired....Tis the season! And of course it doesnt help that I am going thru all the hoop jumping at the last moment for settlement! Geez..... And I have yet to pack a single box! Oh well. At least I have until the end of January.

Work is getting on my nerves. Communication seems to be a real problem here lately (ha...always is more like it) but I cant look for a new job at the moment - too many upcoming committments and besides I have it made. It just gets frustrating. I really hate it when people start to act like they are bigger than life if you know what I mean. But hey whatever. I will just keep to myself. I am off Thursday, so I have a short week anyway.

My darling little Jake....I could strangle him. He is being so lazy when it comes to school - it is really making me crazy. So yesterday he lost everything - cell phone, computer privelages, and play station. I mean I dont know what else to do. He is such good kid over all. I just dont know....

Hope all are well.

Love to all,

Dawn

but just cant bring myself to it. There is so much stuff in this house to pack and I havent done a darn thing. I think part of me is scared something will happen at the last moment to keep us from going to settlement~and I am not sure I could handle that. This is more than moving and owning a house TOGETHER-its something postive and good and therapy for the past year.

Paul called me this morning from KC - said his little trip has been good so far. He left his cell phone in the truck in Baltimore so he had to call collect. He called last night but I took the kids to dinner. I was tired after shopping all day. However, I did accomplish most of my Christmas shopping so that was a good thing. But Jake has yet to ask for a single thing! Its making me crazy. I still need to get a little tree for here and then when we move I can put it in the bow window.

I made a few photo projects today for Christmas presents so I guess the whole day hasnt been a waste. And I searched high and low for those darn basketball tickets (University of Maryland) and can not find them anywhere. Paul isnt going to be too happy about that. I hope that we can get them replaced somehow.

I really need to try to motivate myself. LOL.... I will be catching up with all of you as I can. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

I dont think I have been back since the last time I was here. I had a total emotional breakdown - balled for two days pretty much non stop. I wanted to talk to my daddy so bad.....then the child support issue....thanksgiving...all of it. I just wanted to crawl under a rock. But I came through all of it ok.

Updates.... Child support: I finally convinced Paul to hire a lawyer. We are trying to be nice about this, but I dont feel that we should support Tessa's mom. I believe in child support - I remember when I counted on it. I see what Crystal goes thru - but Denise....well, its a money thing more than anything. But I will continue to do the right thing.

Thanksgiving went well. My brother was just so uptight. I hope he can relax and get thru his guilt issues. SIL is doing well - getting excited about the new baby arriving in a month or so. Oh and we signed the contract on the house Thanksgiving day. I could have killed Paul - but we got through it. Settlement is set for Thursday, they just need more of the support order - the page I faxed doesnt have Paul's name on it, so we may be sending his entire divorce papers. Geesh....

Jake is doing well. Grades are starting to improve - thank God. Tessa is doing really great - I am so proud of her. And Paul and the new business are doing so well in the first year that is almost scary.

Me... well not much to say there. I am exhausted - not sleeping - sad, scared, excited, and not able to concentrate for any lenght of time.

Even though I havent been around in weeks, I think of you ladies daily and draw strength from past words of encouragement. You women are the best. I will be working on catching up with all of you in the near future - in between shopping, packing, etc. OMG who moves between Christmas and New Years?? WHO???? I think a partial lobotomy was done along with my total TAH BSO - HAHAHA......

Love and prayers to all,

Dawn

P.S. I have missed you guys!

and better and better...NOT.... I am really in a mood and you ladies are being so sweet - thank you. Paul came home early - not a good thing. His ex had him served - says he is behind in child support. NOT! Let me tell you, I write that check every week. I guess we should still be paying for two kids, I dont know. Hell, we kept paying for Brit even though she had dropped out and then moved in with her boyfriend. What are we suppose to support Denise or the children??? Never even made an issue out of the glasses - never mentioned it to her. She didnt want to give the insurance card so whatever we just paid for them. Geez. I am also kicking myself for not keeping the reciepts for all of the clothes we bought for school. I dont want to be that way, but for petes sake - I think I spent about $300 that day - jeans, sweaters, shirts, etc....
It just makes my blood boil. Then I talk to Chris - he found out he goes to Iraq in September - as things stand now. I finally heard from Eddie, he didnt tell me much but he is safe. So Chris tells me all the things Eddie didnt tell me. Great. But he is alive and I wont go into details here about the conversation. He should be home in April - now that would make a nice birthday and hysterversy present. And thanksgiving is just around the corner and I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, but....I just want to hide until January. And Pauls sister and BIL are coming over for tgiving dinner - great just great. They are the most negative people I have ever met - "CAN'T" is their favorite word. ANd work - well I am not sure that I will have a job much longer - our sales have been way down for the past 2 months and things are not looking good for november and our lease is up at the end of the year. We are looking at another location, but I wonder.... I ran like 5 different ads in different newspapers this weekend and we got 2 freaking calls. Ofcourse I wouldnt want to be an in home sales person working for just commission with no benefits what so ever. I honestly wouldnt blame the owner if he decided to close our location - business wise it is probably a smart move. OH and my manager is going to step down and perhaps even leave. The job is putting way too much stress on his marriage. And I dont blame him one bit. So yea I am having a mega pitty party. And tomorrow I will find out if our bid on the house is accepted. We went in real low and rumor has it someone else is placing a bid as well. Great. I dont even think the letter I wrote to go with the bid will help any. But whatever. IT looks the money may need to go a lawyer anyway. But persueing custody would put us in an awful spot because tess wants to stay with her mom - and she gets caught in the middle enough as it is. Life really sux here lately. Yea I am on a pitty party. I hope it wont last. Sleep - that is what I need - at least I got the house pretty **** clean yesterday. But we havent bought a turkey yet! Eekk.......oh well enough ranting and raving - I need to stop. You girls are wonderful - I know someone said something about hugging each one of you in a recent post (sorry cant remember who said it) and Lord knows I wish I could just reach out and hug each and every one of you ladies. I have read up on some of your lives - posted once or twice - but got weepy and had to stop for the moment. Many prayers and love to all.....

dawn................................

It has been 3 months and one day since my daddy passed. Which means that it has been seven months and one day since my complete hysterectomy. I just sent an email to my daddy. I dont think my mom has deleted is account. I am a mess. I am looking for reassurance that I can not get. All of a sudden I feel like a lost soul with no one around - which couldnt be further from the truth - but that is the feeling deep within my heart. The release and or acceptance is perhaps finally here. And that scares me too.

Love to all.....

I cant believe I havent been here in so long! But as always I think of you all often. Things have been interesting to say the least. I dont have much time, getting ready to go out of town for a scrapbooking/cropping weekend. It should be fun. But I just started packing this morning - dont even have any ideas for the album I am going to start on - I picked the year 2002 because I have a nice assortment of pictures from that year. It will come together once I get to the resort.

Been very busy. Paul and I have decided to buy a house together. And we have found one 2 minutes from where we live - the only thing that will change will be the bus that Jakes rides! IF we get it. It is over priced, it is smaller. It is a buyers market, but the seller does not have a mortgage on the house. So.....Who knows what will happen. If it is meant to be, then it will happen (for the record Paul hates that statement - lol). We are looking good as far as the mortgage goes (we both have past issues due to divorce) and the realtor I was recommended is working his ***** off for me - and we dont even have a contract. But the mortgage company recommended him and I really like him. Although I love the house we are in - we had thought about buying this one-but the traffic has gotten so bad on Main Street (due to all the new mega developments) so we would really like being off the beaten path so to speak. The house is a rancher with a partially finished basement. It is adorable! It is at the end of a cud-de-sac overlooks a field and part of a farm (in fact the same farm Jake will be camping at this weekend for scouts) has lots of trees, a small patio and in general just wonderful. My realtor is trying to figure out how the listing realtor came up with his price - comparable houses in the area that have sold in the past six months all had at least a one car garage (this one doesnt) and all of them had a fireplace (this one doesnt - dang it!) and all of them had basement walkouts - this one doesnt. So that should work in our favor. And it worked out really well, the day we looked it, was the day we got hammered with rain - (about 2 inches) - no standing water in the yard, no leaks, etc. Of course now I will have to keep working for at least another year - oh well. I have already started the mental honey do list - hehe and there is one major purchase before we move - if we get it - and that is a huge shed - we currently have a detached 2 car garage that isnt used for its purpose and it is full! Oh well. AND i know just where I will put my pond - but Paul will have run electirc out to it. Ok...I am rambling...

Things all in all are going really well. I think that Paul & I overcame a major obsticle in our relationship and that he is ready to leave the past behind. He better be! Otherwise I will be making national headlines & not in a good way (think Lorena Bobbit here - LOL). But seriously, things are so much better. The kids like the house. Unfortunatly Jake remembered the key code and went into the house yesterday. I told him to NEVER do that again. I had to explain the consequences if he got caught doing that and that it would not be a pretty thing. I think he got the message.

Next week I will catch up with all you wonderful ladies. I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend!

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

and thats a good thing! Things are on a more even keel on the homefront - which is always nice. I am definatly feeling better about things and I hope he is too. We really havent discussed the whole thing, but in general I think we are back on track. Only time will tell.

I am amazed by my children. Jake, while the grades are not where they should be, is really making an attempt to make the changes that need to be made. I am also seeing a lot of maturing going on. Lets see how long this lasts - hehe. And Tessa, wow - what an amazing young lady. Especially since she is practically raising herself. She has always been wise for her age, and it is really showing thru now.

This geneology stuff is so amazing. It somehow consumes me when I start delving into it. But I have found that taking a break every once in a while is good - because when I go back- I can find what I was searching for.

Work is boring. Sometimes I feel guilty for what I am paid to sit here and twiddle my thumbs. NOT. Serriously, I do. But then the time will come that I will so busy that I wont know which way I am going.

I think I am starting to go off the deep end however. I was talking to the Beta this morning. I swear he was responding to me! Uh oh....

I hope all is well with you ladies. Today is just a kind of peaceful day. I hope it lasts!

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

What a past few days! Things took a real dive, but I do think that I was able to point out the stupidity of it all. Paul did aplogize on Friday (after a horrendous Thursday - but I dont feel like going there) and said we would talk. Well, we havent exactly spoken about the whole jealousy thing because we really didnt have a lot of time alone, but I did get up Sunday morning to a poem and a bunch of "our songs" in my purse. Some things have to chage though, and I think he realizes that. Time will tell. I just think that it is time to let go of the past and move forward, I do understand his side of the situation - hopfully I got thru my side to him. (I dont like talking about part of this - but, just so ya'all know why I can be so "understanding" we were both um.. married to someone else when we met - but that seems like forever ago).

So anyways, Saturday night, we took the kids to Fields of Screams (since Jake's camping trip was postponed til next weekend) and we had a good time. But talk about expensive. It was a good time though and its not like we couldnt afford it. OH!! Better yet, he cleaned the kitchen and living room real nice on Saturday during the day while Jake was at the scout house and Tessa & I were getting our eyes checked. She & I went to lunch at Chili's - love that desert - the chocolate cake with the fudge inside and ice cream - yea...we split it so that is my justification - HA! I really enjoy spending time alone with her.

Sunday was laid back. Jake went to Church with me and we visited with my mom. She found my great grandfathers obituary clippings. It is sad, it appears that he died alone. I have no idea why that bothers me, but it does. He was in a state home for men, but it is now closed. I will be requesting a copy of his death certificate. The funeral home where he laid out, is still open so I am hoping to find out which cemetary he was buried in. Good thing none of those areas are too close to me, other wise I would be on a road trip every weekend! So I am making progress on that part of my family history. It just takes time - and with records being in West Virginia and Virginia it is kinda a pain. But I am looking forward to going there this spring with Paul's mom. Apparently, part of our families are from the same general area in West Virginia. This fascinates no one but me but thats ok, as I like having my own special hobbies. Now I have one to share with my MIL-Kay so all is good!

Someone (perhaps "News&quot said I needed to get rid of my smoking triggers - and yes that is true. But when I get all emotional (like Thursday) I "need" them - phsychologically anyway. So it looks as if Tomorrow or tongiht will be the new quit date. I will get it down one of these days. My doctor said the more times I quit, the more chances I have of being sucessful! My mom fell off the wagon this weekend too. She said the weekends are the hardest. Of course, her life has changed drastically as well this year. But it was nice to sit and chat with her on Sunday. Funny, she knew something was wrong, but also knew not to call.

I got to watch football yesterday and thats always a plus especially when my team (Ravens) looked as good as they did. I hope they continue this way. I think Jake will be going this Sunday with Paul. That will be a good bonding time for them. This coming Sunday is All Saints Day, so I really have to go to Church with my mom as Daddy will be announced. I feel a crying Sunday coming up. Oh well. Tis the way it is suppose to be.

Got a chance to talk to Chris last night. He finally got to his unit at Ft. Hood. His roommate is leaving Wed (I think) for Iraq. At least it isnt him yet. I think I will lose my mind if he goes there while Eddie is there. But I am so very proud of the both of them. As a mom and former soldier. But it is still tough. He has made a friend or two (he isnt the most outgoing of young men) and found a sports bar off post that shows all the football games so he was able to watch the boys. And stayed to watch the Steelers game. The guy he went with is a Steelers fan, so it sounds like he had a good time. I heard a blurb this morning about Korea and keeping troops there as long as necessary. I didnt like the sounds of that! But havent had the balls to look up what was said on the news. I guess I just dont want to know.

We are having another bad month here at work. So needless to say I am bored to tears. But on the bright side, I can leave at 4:00 and start of that awful task of the laundy that seems to multiply faster than my snail population (and boy do I have a lot of snails in my tanks)! Jake cleaned his room yesterday...... Oh well, that is one of those that is just never completly done.

I am back on the testosterne and progestrine. I think perhaps I am starting to feel a tad bit better - but we shall see. The time changes always mess me up and this time is no exception! But it was nice to get up and see the sun shinning this morning.

This week is going to be packed full. Besides the ton (litterally I do believe) of laundry I have to do, there is scouts tonight, Halloween tomorrow night - my Joshie is coming over and Uncle Jake is taking him trick or treating, Wenesday night I hope to pick up Jakes replacement frames, and we (Paul & I) are suppose to go the exhibition Teriptians game that same night, Thursday is Jakes last football game and Tessa is coming up that night (she is off this Friday) and Jake has his camping trip starting Friday. So in between all the goings on, Jake has to get packed and I need to find time to pull out all of my scrapbooking stuff for my weekend away the following weekend. No wonder I feel as if I am always going in circles - hehe.... Not to mention need to Christmas shop! EEK! But I have already started which is a major miracle for me! I do love shopping on line! Hmm...maybe thats what I can do this afternoon.

For now, I will catch up with you wonderful ladies. I hope everyone is having a great day.

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

Ok, things are better. I went and got myself some replense and actually can tell the difference! Dummy me, I have such dry skin and moisturize like crazy - who woulda thought I have to moisturize "there" as well Ah well. Called in my refil for the testosterne cream and made a calandar to put in my bathroom so I can keep track of which days to use it. So Paul gets home early (7:30) and we are chatting. I pick up the free sport bracelet that came with the replense and he asks about it so it opens up the conversation because he had no idea what replense is. I am not hurt (well not much) by his initial reaction - thats because of our history. Unfortunatly I still live with ghost of his ex (among other things)...but that is getting better over time. I hope that by using the testosterne I will get my libido back - and it is a difficult subject because there have never been any problems in the bedroom (except perhaps me wanting it more than him - hehe). I guess by now all excess hormones that were stored in my body are totally depleted. But I wont give up!!

So all in all it was a nice in our house last night (although I was bad - did have a smoke - it helped me start the conversation) but am doing ok today. I have smoke less aromatherapy inhaler and my nicorette and lollipops! My mom called me yesterday jonsing for ciggie, but I talked her through it - she had her last one Tuesday nite at 9. GO MOM! Today could be rough as I have absolutly nothing to do at work. Grr... I have my camera so I may play with some pictures today.

I am hoping that a nice raise comes in January for Paul so that I can stop working full time. As it stands, I will need a fair amount of time off in January for my mom. But as of now, just playing things by ear.

Jake has his second to last football game tonight I am happy. Hopefully the grades will now steadily improve. Tessa is coming up this weekend YAY! It seems like forever since she has been up. Paul wasnt to surprised that Denise was all "phsyco" (tessa's word) about me taking her for eye exam. What ever. If we have to foot the bill its no big deal. From what I gather from Tess, Denise is hitting the "CHANGE" - she had her a hyster a few years back, but kept one ovary. I think thats why Tess has asked me a lot of questions about menopause. I should recommend this site to her, but I wont, because then I would have to edit all my journal entries or make them private. So maybe I will just give her the book I bought a couple of years ago.

I am bored...bored...bored....its gonna be a long day. As always, thanks for listening and the helpful advice!

Love to all,

Dawn

Okay, I have issues - but you all know that already! I guess I need to journal some of this so I can figure out what I should do and how I should present it all to my sweetie. And as a warning, most of this concerns our intimate life..... Ok..little background, we always had a great sex life. But as our relationship matured it become more regualr or routine. The longer I was on the depo the more I could care less. And then there was the whole business of starting the company. When I came off the depo, he was too scared, and of course it was just a matter of time before I knew I would need the surgery. So after surgery & recovery things were fine. In fact great. But here is part of the problem - I dont have the desire - I mean everything for the most part works out ok, but its more like "yea ok, we can do that" not "oh yea - I really want to do that". Now initially I was on the testosterne cream, and I will go back on it immeadiatly and call in a refil to see if that helps. Now, the rest of the problem if, it seems as if my chemistry has changed there...I have a tendancy to get irritated (kinda like using a tampon at the end of your period - kinda dry--dont know if this is making any sense). Like I said I am a mess. NOW for the rest of the problem--because I have lost about 25 pounds in the past year, he is thinking that I might be seeing someone. Because with the weight loss has come a whole new wardrobe. He says I am dressing sexy. I wouldn't call it sexy, but I am paying more attention - if you feel good about how you look - it shows. I mean if he thought for one milisecond he was hurting me - it would be done. And it doesnt hurt - but aftewards, it is slightly uncomfortable (an alergic reaction after all these years?? sure hope not). I use to be very sexual and I can understand why he is feeling the way he is and it doesnt help that he isnt home much. But I have hard time discussing this with him - which is really weird, because as a lot of you know, when it comes to my kids I talk about anything and everything. I am sure he would understand. We werent together when I thru the endo crap so this is all kinda new to him. And then last night there was some lube problems but that was fixed rather quickly. But I just cant seem to "turn on" and I have never had that problem before. I dunno.....told you I was a mess!

Anyway.....finally found a coat last night for wearing to work - at all places the goodwill - wool & leather. Pretty nice. Got Jake's new frames ordered (the arm fell off) made my appointment for my eye check up - I am sure I need new glasses and made an appointment for Tessa to get hers checked when I go on Saturday. Now get this-apparently her mother is having issues with that! Can you beleive it? I guess we will be paying for them 100%. Somehow I dont even think she will Tess bring up her insurance card. Personally, I would love it if Jakes dad took that kind of initative. Oh well. Cant wait to tell Paul about that. NOT!!! Better do it before Tess comes up though - (he has a tendancy to say really nasty things about Denise in front of Tessa and it makes both of us mad).

No HOT flashes today - just some warm moments - but thats ok. It has a tendancy to be on the cool side here by my store front windows....Ah well.

Time for a lollipop. Hope everyone is well. Time to ponder some more.

Love to all,
Dawn

P.S. I think I might be on the right path - just went to the FSD section - I think everything was working good when I was on the testosterne - cant remember - sad- but then life got in the way--hehe..

Thanks a lot. I have both - but never at the same time. It was funny, I probably jinxed myself..told my regular doctor how great I was feeling. Geesh..... But I am better now. Maybe it was the caffine - but I dont think I drank any more than usual-and I dont as a rule drink soda or energy drinks. I am on the same HRT since I was in the "castle". I have noticed that a beer or two can bring on a hot flash - well more warm than anything, and for some reason that particular Wal*Mart seems to be warmer than the others..if that makes sense. This sucker lasted almost 45 minutes! Guess I need to put the clary sage back in my purse. Will they ever stabalize? I really dont feel like trying to get an appt with my GYN at the moment.....

Anyway.....the not smoking is going okay--not great but okay. Kinda irritable at the moment - gonna go home and get on the elipitcal and then perhaps I will listen to one of my stop smoking hypnosis tapes (yea I have 2....)

I was bad at Wal*Mart...hehe. I finally found the boots I want in black so I bought them, a new black skirt and two more sweaters (I have plenty of tank tops to wear under them ) and a a canlde fountain for my desk, and then I did have to buy a gift card & card for the bday party Jake is going to on Friday-at hershey park none the less. So I guess he & Katie will be making out in the chocolate factory..... Grr..... Katie use to live in our school district - then moved, and then came back this year (they were boyfriend/girlfriend in 5th grade). Well, one of his best gal friends {Sam} is who is having the bday party and her & Katie have become new best friends (sam's boyfriend is one of Jakes best friends)...following this so far? Well, as ya'all know, Jake hasnt been doing the best in school, but Paul is still letting him go! Of course, if it were up to me, I probably would say yes too. So Jake had to rsvp last night, so he calls and Sam answers the phone (imagine that a 14 yo girl answering the phone haha) and he immeadiatly says I would like to talk to your mom, please. Well Paul was just tickled to death. He is truly a dad to Jake - I know that I couldnt be luckier in that regard. Actually for the most part, Jake has 2 good dad's - although there are certain things I have issues with when it comes to my ex. But I wont go there today.


Scouts was interesting last night. I got a real nice compliment on Jake and how is maturing, but, naturally it came about while we were discussing whether or not a young scout should advance to the next rank - & it wasnt going in his favor. Of course, there was some merit to the decision, but the one guy really can be a jerk - and was beating a dead horse on one particular area. I cant stand politics when it comes to kids activities. I was hoping that since his son had reached eagle and was away at college that he would sorta just fade away, but somehow I doubt it.

About time for me to go home - yea! Again thanks to all of you for reassuring me that I am not losing my mind (or whats left of it anyway). I hope everyone has a great Tuesday evening!

Love to all,

Dawn

Ok heres the deal. I went to Wal*Mart for lunch today in hopes to find my Moms Christmas present (but alas, its on clearance so I had to order it). Anyway I was wandering around and all of a sudden had this massive HOT FLASH with PANIC ATTACK. I was sweating, heart was racing, light headed, I finally got it under conrtol but this is how hot I was it is 45 degrees with a strong wind - I was parked at the end of the parking lot - I never put my coat back on after tearing it off. One or the other but not both at the same time. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I had my check up this morning with my regular doctor - bp is good (116/70) weight is good 148 - not losing or gaining- so what was it? I dont think it is related to the not smoking - because this isnt the first time I have quite. Now I am totally exhausted. But still have work to do.

Good afternoon all! I hope everyone is doing well today.

I am two hours smoke free....at this exact moment. So far, not stressing - lets see how this goes. This is the time. I am doing it for me - I cant breath half the time - I took out that breathing thing I came from the hospital with and well - I did better in the hospital! And this will make it easier to support my mom as well. The kids will be happy. And Paul, well, he will have to go outside or perhaps he will totally quit (some days he doesnt even smoke at all). So heres to me! He has been on my case to at least cut down - if I could I would - but it is all or nothing for me. Part of the addictive personality I suppose.

Anyway.... Had a blast with Josh - even if he loves Poppy more....oh well. So I did finally get to take my bubble bath Saturday night - heavenly. After Josh went home, Paul and I went out to eat - oh my! I so over did it-I mean for real. I felt like a pig when I walked out of the Outback. So last night, I made myself get on the elipitical for 30 minutes - oh my! Thought I would die - but I did it - 650 calories burned (or close to that) 3220 steps (+ or -) and 1.11 miles. This is more me to tack - I gotta get back into it. Gotta keep the weight off and get healthy again. This is all about me. I was so sore yesterday after working around the pond and moving rocks and so forth. It just made me realize how out of shape I am in.

For a monday, today hasnt been too bad. I will be blowing out of work soon (45 minutes or so) need lollipops and Jake sent me a text from school that he needs 3 more binders. Tonight is scout night as well. No rest for the weary - hehe...

It is down right COLD....Are we headed straight for winter??? I hope not.

Chris called me a while back - he is safe and sound at Ft. Hood. He is inprocessing and wont go to his unit until Thursday. So far he isnt impressed - imagine that. I am sure once he gets to his unit he will be fine.

Oh, I posted his Army basic training picture and Jakes current school picture on the gallery. I am one proud mom!

Not much going on. Need to get another bottle of water. Mind is pretty blank at the moment - how strange is that? Uh oh. LOL - I hope everyone is doing well today!

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

Never got my bath last night....Paul stayed home and I spent all evening on ancestry.com. But we did have a nice evening. We said our goodbyes to Chris - he leaves tomorrow. Luckily Christmas is just around the corner and he will be home then.

Linda---honkerblonky is put in by the site when I (or anyone else for that matter) says a "bad" word! It cracks me, and for the life of me, I cannot recall what the word was suppose to be, ah well.

I lost my last two fish in the pond...someone turned off the switch that operates the pump. But I did get all the dang leaves out and cleaned it real good. Also got it covered - and did a much better job than last year - I took my time. I am considering picking up a few feeder fish and see if they will survive the winter. I have the wire mess covering it in such a way that I can get to the filter and pump if need be. It felt really good to actually work out in the yard for a while. Didnt get as much done as I wanted, but overall I am pleased. It is a bit of a pain when you got stop what you are doing - and in this case, it was take Jake to the meeting spot so he could go his dads this weekend.

Paul went with us, and we decided to stop and get some steamed shrimp with onions at a bar on the way back. Well, they forgot the onions and the shrimp was kinda tough. Oh well-that is a no no for me, so I ate all my share anyway (cholestrol levels). When we got back, I finished putting away the pond accessories, moved the bags of leaves (two and my trees are still pretty full), and then cleaned out the area where my mom started my pacasandra a week after my surgery. I have this 3x3 or so spot at the back corner of the house. It is pretty much shaded all the time and I could never really get anything to grow there (besides baby trees....) so mom thinned out her pacasandra and transplanted it for me. I must say that it has really taken off in 6 months. Hopefully by next year all the weeds will be pretty well choked out.

Grandson will be here in about 2 hours--so gammy is going to lay down for a bit. I am sure he will wear us out tonight! I hope to get some nice pictures of him--heck, I hope he behaves! He has been really bad lately - think it might because of the stress his mom (crystal) and the soon to be ex boyfriend have been under. Now the poor thing is just trying to find an affordable place in a decent area. I think I will see if any of the apartments in our borough are vacant - I would like for her to be closer to us. I worry about her and the added stress of doing this alone-it will be good for her, but she is headstrong and has a temper - it would make me feel better if she were closer to her dad and I. We shall see.

I hope everyone is doing well and having a great weekend!

Love to all,

Dawn

Shawn my dear friend - you are so right - I will never grow up! LOL....But maybe that is a good thing.... And this will probably be another whacked out entry, as when I start to type I never know where I will go.

Woke up in a pretty good mood this morning - even though I couldnt get moving and was irritated with Paul still (more on that later). Get to work, everything is on the fax machine that is suppose to be, the system my company uses for leads, jobs, etc.. was not down, was just rolling thru my morning tasks - things couldnt be better. THEN my vice president calls...he really has this way of irritating me. One of my jobs is to go to customers homes and have them sign securred home improvement loans. I got a set of docs yesterday, left a message for the customer and he (the VP) calls to see if it is done or scheduled yet! And the best part is, he was here in York yesterday when I got the docs & left the message! Sorry - you dont pay me nearly enough to make calls at night from home or my cell - especially on my sons football nights. Gesh. Like I have ever let the company down before? I am not one of the boys - I get it, I schedule it, I do it. I like to have it turned around in a couple of days - get off my back - will you! I understand the importance of getting the docs signed - that is how the sales reps (men) get paid. So, I will be going to see this customer between 4-4:30. And I hate Friday nite closings - but I do them. Ok - things did get better - my boss bought my lunch - he knew Ray honkerblonked me off.

LAST NIGHT--the boys lost, another boy was taken away via ambulance - they think he might have broken his leg. The booster clud was still collecting donations for the boy that broke a vertabrae from the other school a couple of weeks ago. I gave again last night. Jake didnot see much playing time. Football is very serious business here - and it gets a bit frustrating seeing the same boys play offenese and defensive all of the time. There were some kids that didnt see any playing time what so ever. Everyone who goes out, makes the team there are no cuts. What does that teach our children? Hmm.... Life is not fair - we will not get to do everything we want to do....On a bright note, mom came up again. My brother took the news of the surgery well. And Noni, I will be in touch soon for information - thank you!! Oh and my Christopher came up for the game as well with one of his best friends. It was great to visit and hang out. He leaves Sunday for Ft. Hood....dont want to go there at the moment!

Paul didnt make it to Jakes game last night - but thats not why I am irritated with him. He took his mom to the hospital yesterday to have a kidney stone blasted. Well, she had some breathing issues and they were still there at 5:30 last night. She is doing fine, her oxgen levels were a little low. So after everyone left, he was talking about meeting with the guidance counselor about Jakes grades. Personally, I think he is just being lazy - too much other stuff going on. So then I tell him that Crystal had the talk with Herb and that they are going to split ambically and be adult about the break up. He doesnt think that will happen. I was like, every couple that breaks up doesnt act like you and Denise - of course that didnt go over real well. Oh well. I just get tired of the old song and dance. He then tells me I was stupid for not going after everything with Ed. Hey, I got what mattered most - Jake. The heck with everything else. He can be such a pompus ***** at times... But he just called-wanted to know if I am letting Jake go to the game tonight - yes I am. Then he was complaining about that. Then he wants to know if Chris & Cory are coming up for the game and I was like I dont know, I havent talked to Chris today. He wants to cook some steaks. So yes, Chris & Cory are coming up (hey that means I wont have to drive Jake to & from the game-yea! lol) for dinner. Of course the house is a wreck. But it was that way last night and of course I have this closing. Maybe he will go to the game too. That would be nice - I could soak in the tub. So all of the mail and such that is on the dining room table he will move - oh no! Dang it...the table cloth still hasnt been washed (its red - it gets washed by its self) ugh... I hope he goes hunting in the morning. Terrible of me, huh? Oh well. He is PMSing I think - LOL. Jake & I need to be at the scout house at 9 to deliver the boro newsletters. As of Monday night, there were only 3 boys committing to this task.... After all, it is bow season. Then Jake will go to his dads for the rest of the weekend - he hasnt been there all month. Calgon take me away......

This weekend I will do some stuff in the yard - I must. My poor pond is in such a state...it is full of leaves (when I got home mom was there and she was scooping leaves out!) and it needs to be cleaned - the filter is a wreck I am sure. Somehow though, the pump still seems to be working - and that is a good thing - dont know if I could find one right now. And it needs to be covered. Where does all of my time go? Depsite feeling better, the past 6 months have taken a toll on me. I would love to stop working right now. He would flip. It would be funny. NOT. Well, maybe....

My cousin in Chicago, sent me a myspace invitation to see his band play tomorrow! What am I suppose to hop on a plane? Hahaha...I know it was a mass invite - pretty funny though. I would love to see his band - saw a video of a show they did when he came out for the funeral. But it is getting too cold for me to go to Chicago....

Okay, I am rambling again - yea I know, nothing new! But I feel better getting things off of my chest - maybe I wont be so stressed when I get home. When he {paul} irritates me, I have a tendancy to get honkerblonky. Especially when the irritation is caused by that stupid maleness.... Funny thing is, he does love me, he really does. And that is what scares him and causes him to be so dumb sometimes.... Oh well, one of the things I have learned is, you cant change people - accept them for what they are or move on. Well, as much as I complain sometimes, I am not going anywhere!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Love to all,
Dawn

Can it really be??? hmm.....yes it is. Wow. So far, no regrets, and my biggest problem is warm flashes and occasional night sweats. But I am trying to be patient and neither is really unbearable. Although I have noticed the link to alcohol. Hmm.... "They" say that alcohol is a hot flash trigger. Paul & I went out for drinks last night - met up with a couple of former coworkers. I only had a couple of beers but got very uncomfortable warm wise. But the bar was crowded so not sure. One of the owners is a lady and even though she doesnt look like you News, I thought of you!
It also 2 months since daddys birthday and hence his passing. I miss him, but each day does get easier. I dont think that I have really greieved yet, so to speak, but I suppose that will come in its own time. I guess now that we are moving on (life never stops) I get the most comfort knowing that he is no longer in pain and is no longer bound to the chair and house. I took mom to her doctors appointment yesterday with the neurosurgeon - great guy, really liked him from the onset. He really took the time to explain things and answer questions and best of all, told mom to go home and think about her options and when/if she decides on surgery then we will talk more. But she is leaning towards the spinal fusion. For the inejections, he only gave her a 30% chance of finding relief from the pain and tingling she experiences. But it is a long recovery time. But he also feels that she is a good candidate for the surgery, and feels that she will be able to live a quality and if not pain free pretty close to pain free life. It will be interesting to talk to her tonight and see how she feels today. We went by the cemetary - they have the temporary marker down on daddys grave and have finally seeded it. It is looking nice. I hope the permanent marker will be in before Christmas. They also raised my great grandparents and my grandmothers and the babies markers from where they had sunk. They look nicer now. Just need to clean them up and put some flowers in the vases. Someone else put another American flag on daddys place- dont know who. And thank you News, I am working thru it and life really does go on. All of you ladies provided me with such wonderful support and comfort during that time - it meant and still means alot.

OKAY!! Funny story....For obvious reasons I was determined to make mom laugh yesterday. I have teased her about finding "male companionship" - now before any of you get the wrong idea, mom & I are real close and my parents had their share of problems (hell, they were even divorced & then remarried) and they only had companionship but no intimacy in years. Oh and Jake has already said he wouldnt accept a new "pop pop"-- now wait, need to back track. Betty (Pauls step mom - almost 76 early signs of deminsha) signed some contract for some type of in home nurisng insurance should she ever need it. It really gets up my crawl that people take advantage of the elderly. So I was telling my mom about this and telling her that Paul & I really need to delve into her finances and so forth. I have become much more protective of mom here lately too. Soooo, she made a crack about dating in ten years and I was like no, you dont have to wait that long, but I will meet him, do a full background check and I will want to see his financial records..so we laugh. So she tells me she is leaning towards having the full surgery done - not the partial, and I joke with her (bear in mind I just told her the dating story conversation with Jake) that she wants the surgery so she can have fun bouncing around in bed and she laughs and says you bet. So (the mother in me comes out here) I tell her, that just because she had a hysterectomy and cant get pregnant, doesnt mean that she can go all out - that she still has to be careful of dieseases! Well, we both started laughing so hard. I cant believe I didnt wreck the car! Laughter really is good for us. In case you all havent realized it, my mom & I are really close and have been since I was about 17. There really are no limits on our conversations. And I plan on doing anything and everything within my power to keep her around with a good life. I think some of the conversation came about when we were talking about my surgery and how my GYN told me he had patients that are 80 and still have a good sex life - I think she said something like there is still hope for me... I guess you had to be there. She spent so many years as a caregiver, I would like to see her have fun (but not right now - if that makes sense!)!

So we also saw Chris and took him to lunch. He flies out to Ft. Hood on Sunday---I hope thats where he stays - and he is getting concerned with things the way they are in Korea.... He is coming up to PA tonight to go to Jakes football game. Jake doesnt know that yet - so he will be thrilled. He adores his older brothers.

This is a wacked out entry I think. Some of things I write are so that I wont forget them. Some of the stories you cant understand unless you know the dysfunctionalism of my family.

I hope to scan Jakes new school picture this weekend - he is so handsome-or maybe it just mommas pride. Oh! My mom got the ultimate compliment yesterday - when we were being seated I called her mom and the hostess is like mom??? and she said we looked like sisters. Now that I think back do I look that old? LOL! Overall it was a good day. And today is a good day. I have to say, having gotten over the hump of surgery and the coping of the loss of my dad, has made me, well, made me more grown up. I always felt like I was pretending to be an adult - but not so much anymore. As Paul often tells me, Life is a Journey not a Destination-although I cant remember what song that line is from.

I think I am a tad sleep deprived from the night sweats last night!! I know this is probably a goofy post to some of you - but it has memories that I dont want to forget.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

As I sit here looking out the "store front" windows (my office is in a stip shopping plaza) I just feel blah... no other words to describe it. It has gotten cooler but more damp than anything.

Oh I must agree MoonMab, buying new clothes does remind me of back to school shopping. I was lucky enough to have the kids pretty much taken care of in Aug & Sept - now its my turn. But I cant bring myself to get rid of the clothes that dont fit - guess I am afraid that I will gain all this weight back. I dont know. Also, I have discovered that I almost always need to try on the clothes now! For instance, I love the stretch Levi's-but I am really beginning to think that they oversize them. I would hate for my mom to think I was becoming anneroxic (sp??) - (I lost a lot of weight before my marriage totally fell apart and looked horrible). So I guess I have this fear that all the weight will come back. Especially since I am not getting any younger. LOL.

Jake wants to go to the football game this Friday with his girlfriend - ugh. No, I dont think that it is cute! I told him it would all depend on his biweekly progress report - that I am very serious about his falling grades. He throws the I need tutors at me and I was like NO you dont- except maybe for math and your math teacher has said to go & see him during 9th period but you dont go. You have never had problems with all the other subjects before - you are just procrasting and being lazy. He didnt argue back. Oh get this, on the way to scouts I told him he was too young to have a serious girlfriend and he told me that I was too old to be dating! I said but we are in a serious committed relationship and he goes but you arent married....Out of the mouth of babes! Luckily we had just arrived at the scout house. Geesh....

Thursday will be 6 months since my hysterectomy (and 2 months since my dad died). All in all, I feel really good. It is getting better - I really believe that it does take 6 months to a year to get back to normal - whatever that may be. Now if I could just motivate myself to exercising again.....

I just want to go home and curl up on the couch under a blanket and watch a good movie or read. But reading has become something of a pain - I guess it has been long enough - time to get my eyes checked. I think that could be part of the more frequent headaches.

Have a wonderful day ladies! I think I am going to plan my "sneaking" out of work due to extreme boredom!

Love to all,

Dawn

Wow, did I write a book or what Saturday? Hehehe...

Anyway the boys had fun on their fishing trip and both crashed rather early. Paul wound up staying on the couch all night.

SUNDAY----My brother and I had a great time. Although I would like to know where I have but my brain. I was almost at the meeting spot and realized I forgot the football tickets! Luckily Paul is a sweetheart and ran them down to us. We had plenty of time so it was no big deal. I am truly lucky to have Paul.

Finally got cold enough to wear my new long suede like skirt (tan) with my cream ribbed turtleneck and best of all my new boots. Hehe. The little things that make me happy. Life is good. Although I am craving something crunchy and or salty and my boobs hurt...it cant be PMS.....

Have a great day and evening!!

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

as it is almost 10:30 on Saturday morning and I am still in my nightgown.....I had high hopes for getting some fall cleaning done, but I dont seem to be all that motivated at the moment. But I am honestly enjoying the quiet of the house. And Paul kept telling me to enjoy myself today and not to feel guilty. We have been on the go so much here lately.

The boys are out on the bay - a bit chilly in my opinon for fishing but hey as long as they are having fun who cares. I just hope Jake doesnt get any more corrupted than he already is by being around all these construction types - not likely though! The kid has too many older brothers and sisters that have done that already - lol.

Tomorrow is my brothers 35th birthday - wow. I remember him coming home from the hospital - we were living in El Paso at the time... So I am taking him to the Ravens game tomorrow. I am really looking forward to some one on one time with him. But I wound up having to buy the tickets for the game off of ebay. See, when we bought the tickets for the season, Paul told his partners that they could each have a pair of tickets if they wanted. Roberts brother in law is some coach at some univeristy down in carolina - so Robert wanted those tickets and Paul said sure not realizing that those were the tickets I wanted. Well, after wining the bid on ebay, it turns out that roberts brother in law cant go. So his son will be using them (he works for the company too). All in all I find it very funny. Even those tickets are close to were ours are, it is only 18 rows up, not 29! Yea less steps for me!! I told Mike last night, everything is paid for by me, but he has to drive in Baltimore. I cant stand driving in the city and he was ok with that. It will be good for us - mostly for him. He is having a harder time with daddys death than the rest of us, but mom & I always knew that would be the case.

Speaking of mom...she is on a plane to Indiania at this moment. She is flying out to see her cousin (who will be moving to Maryland later this year) and attend the covered bridge festivals. I am so happy that she finally gets to go. This is something she has been wanting to do for a number of years but hasnt because of daddy. She had her nerve test this past week - and they doctor seems to think she might be a good canditate for one of those nerve blocks that stop the pain. Wednesday we meet with the specialist. I really hope that back surgery isnt in her future. As does she!! It will be weird not talking to her everyday. But she did promise to call when the plane lands. She deserves this trip.

My oldest (step)daughter Crystal is 24 years old with a 3 year old son - who is becoming more and more of a brat. They (daycare) says he seems to be suffering from ODD - opisitional definace disorder. Hmm.... How come there is a condition for everything? I am not saying that these things dont exist and arent real but for petes sake he is 3-1/2 years old! What he really needs is some firm punishment. But as a single mom she is too soft on him. Now, she moved from Louisanna with him when he was 4 months old and moved in with us. What a stressful situation that was. She then got involved with a much older man (he is almost 49) and decided to move in with him - mostly I think to get away from her dad & I. She had the tendancy to let us do everything - and wasnt a whole lot of help with the house - and thought we were being "mean" of course she did learn things from that. Now, she has been very unhappy in her relationship for the past several months and wants to move out. She finally got her situation straightened out with the IRS and got her return the other day. She is planning on using that to move out. She doesnt make much money and we are very concerned that she is not making the wisest of choices at the moment. Money burns a hole in pocket faster than a 5 year old in a candy store. She has never lived by herself before, and doing it with a child requires more thought I believe. But she is a hard head. She is caught in a catch 22 - staying with a man for convience or trying to make it on her own. Her dad is very concerned that she will fall into the trap of "whoring" herself out.... I think it could be a distinct possibility. I know that she is young and she misses being free - but she will never be free again. I worry about the impact of this with Josh. I worry that the lack of money and being on her own will make her temper worse. She flies off the handle very easily with him. When she does punish him she turns around and says she is sorry. Somehow, I believe her moving out on her own will put more on Paul and I. Dont get me wrong, we will do anything we can, but we can see a future of her needing things....and coming to us. Her mom wont help her - she can barely help herself. She says she has this thought out, but I really wonder if she has. She said she is telling Herb today and laying it out on the line. I wonder how that will go.

Jake has a girlfriend again. Her name is Katie - in the 5th grade they "went out" and she was extremely developed then.... They were at the dance last night. I keep reinforcing that he must always be respectful towards her. I dont like this one bit. Holding hands, kissing.... I am too young for this! haha I guess the next few years will really tell if I am doing a good job.

I have written about everyone but me...Me...such a concept. I have been struggling with what I want to do - where I want my life to be over the next 20 years. I was going to enroll in school for the spring semester - even went as far as getting my official transcript. But after much thought and consideration, I will be putting that on hold for the moment. Part of it is because I dont know what I want to be when I grow up (haha), part of it is because this has been a year of change and I dont handle change well. Paul started the business this year (and it looks as if they will be in the black at the end of the year) I had my hysterectomy this year, and my dad died. And my baby is in his last year of middle school. I have no real desire to go and start a career in this point of my life. Once upon a time I wanted a career but not anymore - sounds terible doesnt it. But it is true. I really think I want to quit my job. And honestly I think I will next year. I have to meet with a financial advisor - one of the things I want to do with this money I am getting is to invest it in some sort of way that I can get a monthly income off of it. I dont know if that is possible or not. But that is one of my top questions. I would like to do more with my independent loan closings but have had to turn down a few assignments lately just due to work and everything else. And perhaps get involved with mystery shopping. I want to spend the next 4 years preparing Jake and Tessa for the real world and keeping them on the straight and narrow. I know that Paul makes enough for me not to work - but he isnt comfortable with that idea just yet. Of course, we would have to be more aware of where our money is going. Speaking of all that, Paul went with me last night to drop Jake off at school for the dance and we went a had a couple of beers and talked. For someone who appears so secure and strong he sure has his own insecurities. BUt I have always know that - and known what most of them are. We talked honestly last night--he is scared that with this money I will leave. I knew that has been playing on him, which is why that I have insisted that we will meet with the financial planner together. He is also afraid that I will leave. He can put on such a tough face that he wouldnt care if I did - but it is a mask. He is afraid that I will look for someone else because he is never here. He wants to marry me, but he is afraid that I will do as the ex did - rip his heart out and take everything (for the record I have been married twice and both times walked out with what was mine and nothing more). There are no words to reassure him. It makes me feel helpless at times. I am where I want to be with the man I want to be with. Even if the business fails, I am where I want to be. I have never been with someone and felt so comfortable and at peace with the relationship. I dont press for marriage anymore because in my heart I am married to him. And to press scares him away. I have often said that I never want to marry again - but that has changed. But if we dont that is ok and I tell him that. When and if he is ever ready, he will know. I think he might be, but then again, it could have been the moment. He knows that I am tired of working full time, keeping the house, running the kids - that it is all just too much too do and do well. But yet I dont want to be wholly dependant on him and the money means I wont have to be and that scares him too. But we both know I could quit my present job at anytime and get a better paying job - it is a choice that I made to stay - the flexibility is worth not making more money. The money I will be getting is not enough to live on for the rest of my life as it is. But it will give me the financial freedom for retirement if I do it right - and I will. We will be putting together a real and workable budget in the near future. And I hope that it will show that my income is not all that necessary. We shall see. I hope that he wont go back into his protective shell after our talk last night. We are a family- he knows it - he loves it - but it scares him at the same time.

It is a beautiful fall morning here in south central pennsylvania. There is a breeze that I am sure is chilly, my chimes are making lovely music. It is almost afternoon! Where has the day gone oh wait, I know, laying in bed watching the sun dance on the covers and then sitting here reading and writing, but I no longer feel quilty. I think I will go throw on a sweater and some jeans and head out to wally world - I need a few things and perhaps even treat myself to starbucks. If nothing else, I will get the laundy put away and work on the wash.

I hope everyone is having a great weekend. I am sending love and prayers to all of you. May we all find find peace and comfort and joy.

Love to all,
Dawn

Thank you ladies ! For always being here to let me vent. I am still peeved with the bank, and once this is all over and done with, they will get a piece of my mind. Enough about that.....

OMG....the man from the bank just called...amazing. He got my email. hehe... everything the accountant hold me holds true. So in reality the tax implication is not going to be all that bad. That is a relief.

It is Friday and I am so glad. I am really tired today, but that has more to do with staying up til Paul came home last night. He got home around 11 and then we talked for another hour or so - he needed to unwind. The company is only 10 months old and doing so well. It is really amazing - no not really, because with the team that started it, it is almost impossible for them to fail. Jakes team won the football game last night 32-6 - the eigth grade team is 4 and 1 - just like the ravens. hehe
You can tell fall is here - it got cold once that sun went down and then windy. Brr.. Actually I am enjoying it. I finally get to wear some of the new sweaters I have bought
I think I might leave early again today. I am sooo bored. And I could use a nap. Next week will be my 6 month hysterverssy...wow.. time flies!

Not a whole lot going on at the moment - and I am too tired to think...

Love to all,

Dawn

PS. shawn....em's gorgeous - just like her mom! Thanks for the picture. xoxo

I am in a mood and have been since Tuesday afternoon - some of which was probably caused by own doing, but is back on track. I am frustrated by big business so to speak at the moment. It is **** near impossible to get a call back from the Bank of America. See 30 some odd years ago, my great grandfather sold his farm and made a trust account. It provided intrest income for my grandmother (his daughter) and then for my dad when she passed. Upon my dads passing (cant say the "D" word just yet) it is be disolved and distributed equally between my brother and I. Ok, it has been nearly 2 months (seems like yesterday) and they are really beginning to drive me nuts. Now this was not the original bank that my great grandfather used - it has been bought several times and I swear the coldness and lack of personal attention from that bank is making me crazy. They will get a piece of my mind once this is said and done. I am having trouble getting very simple (I think - and I am not smart when it comes to stuff like this) questions answered. I had originially said that I would talk to one of their investment people, but that will not happen now. I am in a scathing letter writing mood - let me tell you. I think it is part of my grief process. I finally wrote the draft to the CEO of the hopsital where my daddy spent his final days. I just my mom to review it, to make sure I didnt forget any important facts. Everytime I think of that &*^*& doctor in the ER my blood just boils. There is such a thing as compassion. I guess doctors dont become doctors anymore for the good - for the caring - but more for the money. I am not saying money isnt important - it is a necessary evil - but you should really enjoy what you do. K, I am done with my soap box for the moment. I just hate getting the run around.

Came home early because I had a meeting with a CPA about the trust - now he has been very helpful. He will get a thank you card and when or if it ever comes to a time where I need a CPA he will be first choice on my list. Ooops...back on the soap box.. hehe... anyway, got home early, decided to run the vacuum before my mom comes to watch Jake play football and wouldnt you know it, the belt broke! The vacuum is only 16 months old. Gesh..... I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday.

Saturday, the COMPANY is having a fishing trip with chartered boats. Paul is letting Jake go with - how sweet! AND BEST YET it means I can finally have a day here at the house to myself! Yipee!! Think I will clean. Sad but true. Since my surgery in April there hasnt been a whole lot of cleaning.

It has gotten more seasonable the past couple of days, but I do have a few windows open - it is nice out (my opinion - tend to be a little warm here lately!). BUt I will need to close them before we leave for the game. It does get real chilly once the sun sets.

Thanks for letting me vent. I am just very agitated at the moment. I hate having to relive my dads passing with total strangers who dont care.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

P.S. News, I dont typically remember THE DAY I lost the big "V", but it did however happen on my best friends birthday and because of the bull roast last Sat I grabbed my yearbooks from my moms and read my senior yearbook with my highschool sweethearts words - for the time period I was probably old! HAHA.... Just hope that Paul never picks up on it.....hehehe

My best friend from high schools bday is today - we have lost touch - she lives in Costa Rica now.....Mom got a beautiful card from her. Will have to write her a letter. I miss her. Today is also the day that I lost my viginity....many many years ago--hehe....My first love... Life is funny.....

I am really starting to wonder what "skeletons" are in my family closet! IF it werent for the fact that I saw my grandparents wedding pictures, the marriage license, etc. I would swear that my dad was...well you know. Not that it would matter any. I have gone back to the early 1800's with my grandmothers family - pretty amazing. But someone else had done most of the work. I do need to give it a rest though - I have been doing NOTHING at home at nights.....Mom is going out of town this weekend to visit her cousin in Indiana for the covered bridge festivals, so there will be no investigative work this weekend. Just as well for the sake of my family! They have become neglicated since I took on the quest. But that has always been a problem for me - start something - get involved over my head, forget everything else, then WHAM! Stop. This just isnt one of those projects that can be done quickly and I must come to terms with that.

Despite staying up way too late to watch my boys lose in Denver, I am feeling pretty good. I will be going with Crystal for her domestic relations thing - her soon to be ex is $9000+ in arears - and poor josh is only 3 and half!

OOOOOO!!!! I forgot to tell everyone.....I am copying sister of 3 - I now have a crowntail beta on my desk in a vase! Thanks for the idea! I have soo many big vases - and this one held the white roses for my dads service from a special friend - so it really special. And he is blue (dad's favorite color with red (my favorite color). ANd lots of peraly colorful pieces on the bottom.

I hope ally my dear sisters have a truly happy day!

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

Had a great weekend! Turns out Johns wife...is a stuck up snob AND I went to high school with her!! She was a year behind me.....Too funny. I had way too much to drink - but had fun - dancing to a band that was around when I was in high school! We (or should I say me) won 2 of the silent auctions for the school - one of the items being a ravens bracelet - yea!

Sunday--enjoyed the time at moms. We went threw old jewlery boxes...put everything back for the time being. Some of it is costume - some is real. We did find a piece of paper that had more information on the family - to a point. I am still struggling with my dad's dads family. But I did manage to trace out to my great great grandfather who was in the civil war and POW to boot. I was online for HOURS last night.....so exciting. The really neat thing is, there are people with my great great grandfather in their tree so I will be contacting them. I think one of the families is still in Greenbrier County West Virginia - I am hoping to make a trip there - would love to find the family cemetery. Also, Pauls moms family was from near there - I think I will take her on my road trip.

My brother and I got the paperwork about disolving the trust that my great grandfather started for us. Kinda of a bummer. But not. Does that make sense? So Paul picked me up a beginners guide to investing. Blah. It feels like "dirty" money - but it isnt. Mixed emotions. I called the bank today - but ofcourse it was/is closed. We dont know if we have to pay taxes on this or not. Hmm....well tomorrow will be here before we know it.

I will be happy when my mom can get here computer and printer back together (the room is being painted) then I can start scanning stuff and uploading it to ancestry.com - yea!

Hope everyone is doing well!

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

I have been catching up on most you and it feels good. I know it wasnt that long - but somehow it felt like an eternity! I cant believe how long my last entry was. Geez. I believe in journalling and it feels right to be back here doing it.

Last night was the homecoming game, so I took Jake to the school so he could go - I was feeling lousy so I did the drop and run thing. It amazes me how many people show up for the games. I love the sport, but only got into it about 13 years ago when Jakes brothers started playing. Varsity lost - I think the only team to win against this school was the 8th graders. Although two boys were taken out by an ambulance. One from our team, major concussion - he was back in school yesterday. The other boy from the other school has a broken vertabrae near or at his neck. I knew he was the more injured of the two - you could tell by the way his legs were having spazams. It is so sad. A parents worse nightmare. It was a clean game and a clean hit but the outcome is sad. I pray for him and his family.

I slept all night but still dont feel rested. This is really getting to be a pain. I woke and still had a headache - sinus mostly. It is pretty well gone now. We went out for breakfast - it has been a long time since we have done that. Jake and his buddy are upstairs playing video games, Paul is lying on the couch and we are watching the recaps for from last weeks games (Ravens are 4-0 woohoo! They have tough game on Monday night in Denver....wouldnt put any money on that game.). I should be digging out the winter clothes and doing laundry but dont feel like it at the moment. Ah well. Perhaps when I am done here. Perhaps....

It feels like fall - a season I truly love. Although I could do without the rain and the dampness. Paul went downstairs last night because the bedroom was too cold. I like the fact that we really dont get a lot of heat upstairs in the winter - I am the only one though! Oh well - I sleep much better in a cool to cold room.

While at breakfast we grabbed the paper - of course on the front page are pictures of the (last-at least for now) last funeral for one of the the Amish girls. Turns out her dad worked down the street at one of the amish markets by my house until earlier this year. The whole thing makes me sick - the way the press surrounded the amish. They are private people and didnot want all the media attention. How come we have to harp on all the bad? It really makes me sick. BUt in the same paper was a letter to the editor thanking a stranger for helping with the grocery bill (they were getting diapers & formula and were a few dollars short) - the pay it forward philosphy for those who saw the movie.

Tonight Paul and I are going to a shrimp/bull roast - its a fund raiser for the school Roberts daughter goes too. All the partners and their "wives" are going - well, I am the only one who isnt a "wife" in the traditional sense - but John's wife is suppose to be a real snob so last night we joking about being ridiculous. John is the one who will not be offered the official partnership at the end of the year. Tonight should be interesting. To say the least. I am looking forward to it for the most part.

I am looking forward to going to my moms tomorrow (well I always do) but more so because I get to see all the treasures that have been off limits. My dad's parents divorced when he was real young, heck, his dad went into the Army before he was born (WWII) so it is a subject that has been pretty tabo for the most part. Now that my dad is gone, it is even more important to me learn about that side of the family - somehow some way - so yes, Linda, I do plan on taking you up on your offer of help - AFTER your mini vacation.

Yes, daddy finds these little ways to constantly remind me that he is with me. I am truly a daddy's princess.... The hurt is at times unbearable. But life must go on as normal. Its tough, but somehow it is all working out. The past 6 months have been trying to say the least. At least now I can get my eyes checked as I am sure I need new glasses.

Okay, rambling....must get off of my butt and do a few things.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

I have thought of all you often over the past 3 weeks, but for some reason just couldnt come here until today. Not real sure why, but I am back. It is hard to believe that I am almost 6 months post op. On one hand hand it seems as if were just yesterday but then on the other hand it seems as if it were a life time ago. So to catch everybody up this is what is going on in my life.

....Mom most more than likely will have to have surgery, in addition to the stenonisis, she has 2 or is 3 ruptured disks. But we have found a highly qualified doctor, and a personal reference on him. I will go with her for her initial appointment with him. This week has been rough emotionally. Monday was when we went to the nurologist (who was daddy's doctor) - talk about weird. But he had been moms too, when she went thru the whole carpal tunnel thing. Sooo.... then it was off to "shop" for grave markers. Yuck. We decided on using the cemetary because they offer the preputal care and should the vase break it will be replaced for free. Since we were on the subject of the preputal care, we pointed out that my grandmothers (my dads mom) and my great-grandparents grave markers had sunk. As the baby's that is nearby that my grandmother gave to a family friend. On Wednesday, when mom went to finalize everything, the markers had been fixed and daddy's grave had finally been seeded. Talk about an emotional day.

Now I will back to the day before, Sunday. Paul & I went to the football game. That is the one place that I go that I can forget everything for 4 or so hours. At half time, we were down on the concourse and Paul went to get in line for the mens room and we run into my dad's regular doctor. Talk about slaming one back into reality. We chatted for a bit and it was good to see him, but it was also weird. I guess we tend to forget that doctors are "people" too and seeing him there at the game in a ravens jersey on the upper reserve deck (i.e. the "cheap" (ha) tickets) was strange.

I freaked out on Monday night, because I had lost my dads wedding ring - I have been wearing it since we got back from Kentucky (on loan). It turned up on the back seat floor of my car - there is no explanination for it being there. Now it has the cloth tape around it so it wont come off unless I work it off. For some reason, I am unable to part with it just yet.

Jake...he is playing football and loves it, although he is close to being academically ineligible. He has seen one of the 7th grade boys go to that status so here is hoping that he gets it together. He has admitted that he is having trouble prioritzing his time, so we are working on that. He brought home his mid term and lets just say that across the board his grades have NEVER been that bad. Except for the math (Shawn I really really wish you lived closer ) there is no reason except laziness. Grr.... His fall pictures came home and oh my! Such an adorable young man - or is that just a moms pride showing? I will be scanning into the computer this weekend and it will post it then.

Chris finished his Army schooling and graduated yesterday. His father went out and they got back to Maryland at about 12:30 this morning. He is not due at Ft. Hood until the 21st or 22nd. So I should get to see him before he leaves. I just hope and pray that he doesnt wind up with a unit getting ready to Iraq. I havent heard from Eddie in a long while and it just makes me crazy. I know that with Eddie being infantry, he gets less time to use the computers but still.....Dont get me wrong, I am proud of my sons for what they are doing, but the mother in me wants them to be back home where it is safe. All though it it really safe here in America anymore? I will not get on my soapbox at this time, though.

Paul is doing great - with the exception of one week he has been an absolute sweetheart. Ofcourse, I dont get much help with the house or kids, because he is working those incredibly long hours. But I must say, that my dad's passing has had an effect on him as well. He gave his deposition last week - from the sounds of it, it was more like a cross examination and he was threatened several times to be taken to the court house before a judege to make him answer questions. The whole law suit thing is terrible and just goes to show how bad the former company is really doing. What a shame.

Me.....well what I can say? I am still working even though most days I would be sleeping. Even though I sleep thru most nights I just never feel refreshed. I am back down to the HRT once a day and it is going so so. At least the flashes are HOT persee, but rather more very warm, although my upper lip breaks out in a sweat and the family thinks it is funny. I keep telling myself everyday that this is the day that I will start to exercise again, but so far that has yet to happen. Nor have I quit smoking. I know that I should, I know that I NEED too, but somehow, I just cant. Or wont. Whatever.

I have unresolved issues that I am working thru- have thought about talking with a professional, but then again there are doors that I dont want to open. I had a "nervous breakdown" once before and the therapy helped, but I am not at breakdown point and like I said to go to therapy, would involve opening doors and exploring things that I just dont want to do - at least not at this time.

I have started to work on my family tree. There is so little that I know about my dads side of the family. But mom has found a lot of stuff that has been "off limits" that I can now access. I joined ancestry.com and I think I have found my great grandparents, parents. My dad's dad is the one I am having trouble with at the moment. I know he use to live in Richmond, and according the SS Death Index, he died in Richmond, but the years dont seem to make sense. I know that I was in Richmond in 1986 and that I had found his name in the phone book. But according to the records he died in 1984. I am hoping that with the stuff that is at my moms, I can perhaps start to work on his parents and perhaps fill in some of the blanks. I find it totally facinating. Maybe that is the line of work I should look into. I love old stuff - pictures, letters, etc. I found a copy of my great fathers war registration card from 1942 when he was 60!

All in all, I am okay - more flat than anything. BUt getting back into the swing of the things. I plan on being around more, hoping that will get me back to where I need to be. I will start catching up everyone.

I do want to say thank you for always being here. You ladies have offered me tremondous support when I needed it most.

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

but than you so much...and Noni-I love the saying! I will remember that. Mentally, I am a tad bit better today. My brother and I had a nice chat yesterday - he knows of a good doctor that works with sports players at Union Memorial Hospital that did wonders when he was having issues with his neck and back. At this point, surgery will be a last resort. My chiropractor has a lot of older patients and I will chat with him this morning about working with patients with spinal stenosis. I know that God will help my mom. I know that this a disease of aging, but I keep thinking how cruel this is to my mom. She has been in a prison of sorts with my dad for years and is now looking at her potential own physical prision. But she is strong and I will make sure that we find the best treatment for her.

Emotionally I am a mess. But I think I am starting to work thru the issues. Who knows. At least the Lunesta's work and I sleep - even if I am feeling very rested.

I hope to catch up with all of soon.

Lots of love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

well, i have the net up for a bit anyway. Sat is when the highspeed comes our way. i went with mom today for her appointment with the neurosurgeron - it isnt official yet, but it appears that she has spinal stenosis - and from the little bit of research I have done in the past 30 minutes, it looks surgery will be inevitable. But not this year. She cant cope with that at this time and knows it. She called in a panic yesterday. I did get her calmed down, and I did get to the house early enough to unload another pistol she found. And the safety was off too boot. It has been years since she has done any shooting - I think with all that has happened, she just drew a blank. Of course it is hard to tell how many more guns will be located. Dad was really into hiding things over the last few years. Then she couldnt find her marriage license, her birth ceritificate, passport, etc...finally found all the documents and put them in one of the lock boxes and told me where the key is. I told her we need to get another key made. I think I will be cutting my hours at work - maybe down to about 30-35---that should help me somewhat. Who knows, though. We stopped at the bookstore tonight - she couldnt find her copy of death & dying, so we each got one, and i also found one for the new widow - coping with the inital loss. I keep telling her to slow down-hopefully she will - it is hard to tell who is going in more circles - her or me....Poor paul - he is exhausted....asleep on the couch. He is getting burned out too. I need to try to sleep tonight. I hope I will have time to catch up more - you guys are great. And if anyone personally knows of a good nuerosurgeon or spinal doctor in baltimore let me know. I gotta find the best for my mom......They say God doesnt give you more than you can handle, but this year sure is testing me.......
love to all,
dawn
xoxo

thats me! I dont know what I would do with you ladies, I really mean that. Reading your comments and reflecting on this year alone has made me realize a few things. But more on that later. You know how they say make no major changes after a life altering event? Well, I have 3 biggies this year - Paul started the company, my surgery and well my dads passing. So I was talking to my mom this evening while waiting on the bus to get back from Elizabethtown (Jake had another scrimage today - more on that later too) and the guy from the cemetary had been to her house today - we still have to decide on the marker, etc. So we were laughing a bit, and I asked my mom (the new widow mind you) so do I have to start over on my year before making major changes? SHE THEN TELLS ME that I HAVE TO WAIT 18 MONTHS!! And she laughs hysterically. But in all honesty, between you guys telling me to slow down and her saying that, I realized that there is some truth in that. She then tells me I need to focus on our get-away in November to go cropping/scrapbooking - which is true. Baby steps. But as I sit here with the windows open, I keep thinking moving is somewhat of a priority - there is just so much traffic now (due to all of the over developing in the area - all though I do like living on Main Street and in small town America) but I am in no shape to make decisions at this time. At least major ones. Although I just made a comittment with comcast to FINELY get high speed internet - no more dial up - yea! But thats a week away. I want to quit my job, but that too falls under major changes. The moon is pretty tonight. I feeel hot flashes coming on though - for me it starts either in my arm pits or my upper lip----they are coming.... is it the mikearita bringing it on? Dont know - nor do I care at this moment. I am exhausted - dinner wasnt until almost 8. I am seriously considering bringing a cleaning person in to do my downstairs real good. What Paul doesnt know wont hurt - hehe.... Gotta give Jake his computer time - hes had a rough day too.
Love to all,
Dawn
p.s. the crazy one.....

Wow, 20 weeks ago today I had my surgery. Amazing that 5 months has gone by. Over all I feel pretty good. Physically anyway. And I have kept most of the weight off. But I need new clothes. Oh well. All I can say is that this year has been a tough one. I will be glad when it is over...
People keep asking me how I am? How am I? I am miserable. I am mad, sad, angry but mostly numb. I know that life goes on - but that doesnt make it any easier. The dreams - they are the worst. I guess I am working thru issues. I dont want to wallow is self pitty - but this is the hardest thing I have ever been thru. And everybody seems to "need" something from me...but what about me? Although, in all honesty, Paul is being wonderful - too wonderful if that makes any sense. My mom - poor mom. She goes from one extreme to another. One day she seems years younger and the next she seems years older. My brother - we always knew this would be hardest for him to deal with. And Josie - poor thing - 5 months pregnant with a husband who is pushing her away - she is at a loss right now. Mike doesnt want to be executor of dads estate anymore - but I dont think he can change that at this late date. Mom is getting frustrated because he hasnt taken the original will and death certificat to the lawyers yet. The trust needs to be disolved so that we can pay off the funeral expenses without interest. Nothing has been regestered yet and mom has things to do. But I cant step on my brothers toes - he is very vulenerable right now. But then again we all are. Then I have Brit posting budda quotes on my myspace....guess she doesnt realize that I am done with her. She pretends to be all about peace & family harmony but yet she is constantly attempting to stir things up. I so bad want to give her a piece of my mind-but it wouldnt register & her dad would get mad at me - he told me to just ignore her. But she is only a child even if she is 18. Eddie in Iraq - havent heard from him in almost 2 weeks. Chris going to Ft. Hood in October and then to Iraq sometime in the future. Scott (my cousin) is on his way to Kuwait. I think I am suppose to get another mamogram - this month maybe? I havent gotten the post card yet. Dont want to. Life seems so sureal - it is so hard to get up everyday - to be a mom, "wife", productive employee when all I want to do is bury myself under the covers. I am looking for a new house - Paul tells me we should wait. I think we need to start looking now. Jake doesnt want to move. Tessa wants us too - but why should she care? She doesnt and wont live with us. They say make no major decisions for a year after a life altering event - April was my hyster - Aug my dads death - so does that mean I should wait a year from now? I cant read the news anymore about Iraq - I know that this was Eddie's choice as it is Chirs' choice - they are men - and I think it is honorable that they both chose to serve their country at this time - but as a mother I am terified - but proud. All this doom hanging over me. Or so it seems. BUT i did manage to get my kitchen cleaned yesterday. One freaking room in the whole house - the rest is still a mess. I did some of my thank you notes - but writing them makes it seem so final - but is final - death is final. I need to take better care of myself. But I am finding it dificult to do so. I am not sure how much sense any of this makes - ramblings - or maybe postcards from the edge? I never did see that movie. Maybe I should. I feel like I am on the edge. Dont mean to be so negative - but I am done - I dont think I will ever catch up on lost sleep. Have I mentioned the hot flashes? I only missed 2 days and I am still paying for it. Poor paul has to freeze at night because I still have the fan on in the bedroom with all the windows open - rain and all. Its going to be a long winter at this rate - they actually turned the heat on the other night! I wanted to turn the air back on. But yet I feel like I am having an out of body experience - my whole life at this point. It is so hard to put on a happy face - I hate being numb - flat - dead on the inside - and no body wants to hear it. Paul listens and he understands but he doesnt want to hear it. Lauri - man talk about disappointed - I feel really let down by her. She says she was so unavailable when I needed her most because her dad wasnt doing well - I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt, but her & her "new friend" were having issues & I honestly believe that is what kept her away. I have all of this building up inside - I should say something but I wont - because I am a coward. Or rather - I do not like confrontation. I am a mess. I have started catching up with some of you - but I dont have much in me at the moment. Is it bedtime yet????

Love to all,
Dawn

I am still in this shell shocked state - I guess that is what you would call it. Life and living goes on but my heart is heavy and I still feel so empty. After being gone from work for 2 weeks I am starting to catch up - ha. Between work, football practices and such I feel as if I am still spinning my wheels. BUT on the positive school starts tomorrow for Jake and he will be able to catch the activity bus home after school. He has first scrimage tomorrow (at home thank God) and then I have aloan closing at 7 PM. Tonight after practice I ahve to take hime for shoes & supplies. He is pretty much set for clothes at this point. Again something to be thankful for. Me on the other hand, well, due to the wieght loss (total of about 30 pounds) I am in need of clothes but will cross that bridge as the weather changes. My cousin, Doug who flew in for daddys stuff, got home Sunday and found out that a close friend in Dublin passed away. Doug is only 9 months older than me. I havent really caught up with many of you, as right now there isnt much in me to give - I am sorry. I have been running ragged for close to 3 weeks now and am just done, if you know what I mean. My mom sounds great and swears she is okay - I know for her it some what of a relief as she was a prisoner too. I am on the verge of tears and release but it just isnt happening. I hope that I can relax this weekend. Funny, that -----I just lost my train of thought - guess thats because I got interupted......
Oh I remember now.....funny that, over the past 15 or so years that daddy had been so close to deaths door and then when it happens it seems sureal.....I dont think I have accepted it yet. Paul is being great tho-he has become more affectionate and tuned into me - if that makes any sense. I like it - but I dont - if that makes any sense. Anyway, my thoughts and prayers are with you all, even if I am not around much.

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

Yesterday on the way to my mom's I stopped and picked up the local county paper (published 2x a week) (actually 3 copies....) but couldnt bring myself to open the actual paper until just now. Right next to daddy's obit is the one of a very special lady from my youth, Beth - she passed the day before daddy. I became very shy & interoverted (and still am to some degree) and my parents put me in a creative dramatics program at the local college - and she was my teacher. From the time I was 11 until I left home for the army she was an intergal part of my life. I could have contacted two years ago when when I had access to her address & phone number - but never did.....She was a spectacular woman. And to see her next to daddy - there are no words.......

Love to all

The one word to describe me right now, is numb. I have caught up with some of you and feel a little more in touch. Linda - my heart goes out to you - that is all I can say at the moment. Reading your entries I know where you are - it is so tough. May God be with you and help you.

After the loss of a loved one, there is a year of firsts. Last night, we had our "first". The family had dinner at moms. As we were gathering around the dining room table - my brother & I taking our usual places, we noticed that there was a setting at daddy's place - we both left the dining room - he through one door and me through the other and met up in the family room. Oh it was hard. That was the first time I cried since the funeral - Uncle Pete (moms oldest brother) sat at daddy's seat and we had a toast. There is something magical about a 3 year old and soon my nephew had us laughing. Unlce Pete flew back to Missori this morning - Linda (my auntie dearest) flys back to Chicago tomorrow and Doug flies out to Chicago on Sunday morning. Then mom will be alone. Having her brother and sister there at the house (as well as my cousin) has been good for her. She hasnt had to drive, cook or clean. Next week she will go back to work. I go back to work next week as well and since I have been off for 2 weeks there will be plenty to keep me busy. That is a good thing. I also have 8th grade orrientaion, scouts, shopping for school supplies, etc... Mike went back to the lawyers today. He is one of the executors of daddy's will. He had it set up very simply which is good. Mom gets the house, all property and the insurance. We get the trust from our great grandfather. We (mike & I) are paying for the funeral. If the bank wont cut the check off of the top of the trust we will write her the checks from our portion. I guess Mike will fill me in on that tonight. We are having crabs at his house and he was picking up Doug and taking him out for a while (Doug is 42-him & mike were always closer even though we are 1 year 1 month apart in age). But Doug and I have bonded again. Next summer I am going to insist that Paul and I go to Chicago - he has only been once - when my grandmother passed four years ago - it was January - . It is amazing how much Uncle Pete (dougs dad) looks just like my grandfather, whom jake is named after. Seeing him is like seeing my grandfather. We have had some nice talks. He is the only other one in the family that left the greater Chicago area. I am upset that Jimmy (my moms other brother) did not fly out for the funeral. I dont know why - but it really gets under my skin. My cousin Karen would have come, but she has a tough time of things - her oldest is getting ready for her sophmore year of college and her youngest is mentally challenged-physically challenged etc. She was born with a defect - I cant remember the name - but at 15 or 16 she has outlived her exptancy. I received a beautiful flower arrangement from ex inlaws - that was sweet. My ex took this real hard too. He and my dad remained friends. I have to compose a letter to the CEO/President of the hospital - first complaining about the ER doctor -she Dr J. walked to the edge of the cubby daddy was in and stated that he was dehydrated, his liver wasnt functioning and that he had had a heart attack and walked away and we never saw the bi*** again! The tech from radiology was there to take daddy for his cat scan and apologized for her lack of bedside manor. BUt I do have good things to say in the letter - the nurses on his floor were great - especially Lisa - I later realized that he was put on the oncology floor because of the DNR orders. I got an email from Eddie - the chaplian in Iraq said prayers for us-because he was just deployed he was unable to come home but I knew that. Chris will finish his training in October and will be going to Fort Hood and either going pretty much straight to Iraq or the following year (I think) depending which unit he gets. I have to order my service flag for the window for Eddie. I have to do laundry. But I did manage to get the majority of the bills paid yesterday. I have to interview financial advisors. I have so much to do - but no energy. I am so off schedule of my meds - eating - whats that? None of it is urgent - except perhaps laundry and school shopping. The emptiness is huge. I know that many of you have suffered this loss or the loss of siblings - for me this is a first. I will probably write a lot about daddy for a while. He taught me so much. So very much. I know that I need to take care of myself - but it is hard to function when you are numb. But life will and does go on. Paul will be going to tessa's freshman orrientation today. Denise will be sending papers for more money for Tessa. We cut the support check because Brit turned 18 on the 12th and she was not happy about that. If she is stupid enough to take him to court we have the resources to fight for Tessa or at the very least joint custody without going into too much debt. And daddy would want that. I had my brother get a recommendation from mom & dads lawyer for a good family/domestic dipsute lawyer. I havent told Paul yet, will tell him when the time is right. Mom is letting me wear daddys weding ring as a thumb ring for now. He hasnt been able to wear it for years. I know I have to give it back to her - but she knows I will and was so okay with me wearing it. I miss him.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

I am so tired and my poor Maxi-Cat knows something has been wrong as she is sitting on my lap right now. There is so much I need to put down on paper, but I dont have the strength at the moment. BUt I will say this, my dads funeral was the the hardest thing emotionally I have ever had to deal with. I am daddys little girl - first born. We have always had a bond, but in all honesty, I have always been closer to my mom. Next week will be hard for her - my uncle leaves tomorrow (her oldest brother), my aunt leaves Saturday (her baby sister), and my cousin leaves Sunday.

The funeral - there is much to say about that - but for now just the basics. The euology was given by dad's closest friend - and was perfect - Bill said George helped him write it. The grave side - wow - military honors - 2 sailors - one of which was a pilot was perfect. Taps still gets to me. I was crying to hard and under the tent next to my mom to see or hear the hawk - someone said daddy got his wings and was flying over us. I think it is true - he use to be a pilot - it was his love. More on that later too.

It was an incredibly long day - my house is a wreck - I am drained. I have started catching up on some of you - it will just take some time. Those I have read, I havent left comments yet - I am still numb. My head knows daddy is in a better place but heart hurts - a lot. And I know that it always will.

Thank you for all of your prayers - for your kind words - and the messages on daddy's guest book - it means more than you will ever know.

Love to all
Dawn
xoxo

You ladies are the best....Shawn thank you for posting the link - reading the messages makes me feel so lucky. It has been an incredibly long day - tomorrow will be worse. But I will get through. So much to say but the brain is dead. Once things settle down I will catch up with all of you.

Love to all,

Dawn

I am down at my moms helping her. We have to go to the funeral home tomorrow - such fun. But life does go on. Sad but true. We got Chris out on emergency leave and managed to forget reality for a brieft time by going to the Kentucky state fair with the kids. That is something that if you are ever in Louisville to check out. It is something else.

The kids are ok. Paul seems to be taking this rather hard. I think it because he never made it to the hosptial - i think he thought we had a longer road ahead of us. He cried almost the whole way home from the airport - after of course telling me to pull myself together - but that is just him-he is a typical man and finds it hard to show emotion - please excuse my typing- strange keyboad and loits of jamisons.

See, Daddy always wanted an irish wake - jamisons irish wiskey was his drink. So tongiht (and lasst night) we drink in his honor. I hope that doestnt seem to strang to you ladies - but it was what daddy would have wanted I am sure that not many of you drink jamisonsl but it would do my heart good to lift a glass of anything in his honor - even water.

After getting home, we found out that he wanted to pass alone...and alone he passed.But I had to come here tonight - I need to write - of course it this doesnt make a lot of sense we can blame it on menopause, grief and whiskey

Ladies, you will never know how much comfort I am getting from you. I really am. I feel all your thoughts and prayers - I really do. Please add my mom, Diane,as she just lost her life husand - they were together 43 years - that is a long time to be with someone.

I am having trouble typing - the keyboard is different - but it could be the jamsions.

Shawn - if you get the chance call me 443-756-1866. thats my cell I have it with me always

Tomorrow is final arrangements - veiwing is Tuesday, funeral is wednesday. it is hard to type when you are crying. But chris is here. Eddie is in iraq and chris will probably be there soon thir grandfather would be proud - bit it stilll hutrts.

i love you all......and I willl catch up with soom, I promoise....

Love to all

Dawm
xoxo

i promise once I get through this i will catch up/

He turned 63 today and passed on to a better place. We are still in Kentucky, got emergency leave for Chris to fly home with us tomorrow. I am not sure that I will be around for a while and I feel bad that I havent caught up on you, my friends. I think we knew deep down that this would happen this weekend - but I was really hoping that I could lay down just once more with him. Tessa - bless her heart - told us that he got the best birthday present - something none of us could give him.

Oh and I got an email from Eddie, he is in Iraq. Lord, please keep my oldest son safe.

I hope everyone is fine. I promise to catch up soon.

All of Love,

Dawn
xoxo

P.S. Daddy's name is George....

I dont have a lot of time, but need to write to clear my head a little bit. First, I want to thank you all for your kind words and prayers - it means so much.

Now, last night was not a good night for daddy. He had to go back on the oxygen mask for starters. He is in congestive heart failure, and after the dose of lasix they found blood in his urine. SO, he will be staying at the hospital for the weekend, which gives me some peace of mind. His nurse during the day has been awesome. It doesnt hurt that he happens to be on the oncology floor and they are familiar with pain and such.

Today we made the plans for the big what if - what if he passes this weekend? My SIL has the phone numbers of people to call. She knows which funeral home to send him to and she knows were the deed for cemetary plot is. All bases are covered. Mike (my brother) will be at the hospital first thing in the morning to meet with Dr. D. to get the latest. Mom will call the floor before we leave. We will be able to talk to Mike before boarding the plane.

My mom is at peace with everything. I am getting there. Of course she told me that it is easier for her, since she has been living it. Even though Mike & I know what is going on and are mentally prepared I do not think either one of us is totally at peace yet.

I have made the trip to the hopsital twice today so that Jake and Tess could see daddy before we leave, JUST IN CASE. That helps me. As usual I layed with daddy several times today.

Bright note, he was able to have a BM on the potty chair. They have him in a diaper - breaks my heart, but I know the floor is pretty full and that he has had accidents because he sleeps fo deep. But I still dont like it.

I hope that no one takes this wrong, but I do long for the day that daddy is free to run, walk, golf and be free from pain again. If it happens this weekend, then that is what was meant to be. If not, we will continue to take each day as it comes.

Daddy told us to have a good trip. I dread telling Chris about him, but it must be done. It is best that he hear it from me, rather than the red cross.

I feel better now, no not really, but in a way yes I do. You all have been so kind with your thoughts and prayers that it makes me cry. Shawn....thanks for being there. That is all that matters at this time - because there is nothing that can be done. There will be no aggressive treatments - comfort measures only - that is daddy's wish. We will honor it. Perhaps thru a million tears, but his wishes will be honored.

I am sorry that I havent had the time or even energy to check up with all of you. I hope to be able to next week. Linda, I only read your note so I am not real sure what is going on, but you are in prayers as is the others that are in a similiar situation. I cant remember all of your names at the moment, I can barely remember mine. {feeble attempt at humor}. All of you are in my thoughts and prayers. Have a safe weekend - I wont have access to computers until I return.

Despite all that is going on, life continues - mom told me that Chris needs me too. He still has his whole life ahead of him....And daddy has a pain free life just waiting for him. He is tired - he told mom that. We are all holding up. I still have to pack. Pathetic...

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

P.S. Ironic - I am 16 weeks post op - my SIL is 17 weeks pregnant....One loses ability to give life, one begins life. One candle goes out, another is lit. A never ending circle...painful but joyful.

Yes, I am exhausted and rambling. Thank you again for always being here. xoxo

I have felt your prayers, I really have. Dad is doing better - he has bounced back from deaths door before and he might be able to again. At this point we are just hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. He had a very busy morning and has slept all afternoon. Mom is there again. My brother will be there soon. The social worker is working on the referal for the rehab nursing home - we just stress the rehab part, he wants no part of a nursing home. Most of the staff has been great and accomodating. I did sleep last night - so did mom. I am sure I will sleep tonight as I have much to do before we leave for Kentucky on Friday for Chirs' graduation from basic. Dad is encouraging us to go as his doctor. My brother will have the weekend shift. If all goes well, he will be transfered on Friday. I layed with him again today - to hell with them was the milder version from daddy-he said he would them to go f*** themselves if they said anything. That in itself is a good thing - but there isnt much spunk yet. We have no real expectations for therapy but time will tell. Dr. D keeps telling us not to get our hopes up too high. So we pray-for whatever and I mean whatever is best for daddy - not us. I still dont have time to catch up on everyone - I am sorry. Gotta make car pool arrangements for tomorrows football practice so I can be at the hospital in the am & meet with the doctor. The more ears, the better. I thank you all....

Love and prayers to all....

Dawn
xoxo

It has been a while. I have so much catching up to do and I will soon - as soon as things get straightened out. My dad was admited to the hospital last night so I have been on the road a lot the past 24 hours. He has been going downhill over the past couple of weeks - mom called me and we got him to consent to being seen at the hospital. As it turns out he has had a major heart attack, his liver & kidneys are not functioning properly, and he is severely dehydrated. So things are kinda iffy at the moment - his blood pressure is way down, so they are being very caustious about the diladid for his pain. I am going on about 3 hours sleep since 6 am yesterday - and have to stay up a while longer - gotta get jake from football practice. With him being only 62 (sat) this is tough - we have a long road and a lot of decisions to make. But as the dr said it is nothing that has to be made today. We are hoping for rehab after the hsopital to see if it is even feasable for him to be at home alone. He is in real poor health, has MS, has had heart attacks & open heart surgery, etc. More surgery is not an option - neither is recisatation (sp), intabation or respiarators (sp) - my wirting is probably worse than usual - sorry. THis is one of those times that I regret moving - although it is only 35 or so minutes - wish I was closer. but anyway.
I am off schedule with my meds, etc... so i guess things are going to be erratic. I know my sistes here will be sending prayers and I thank you. Mostly I want prayers for comfort and no more pain for my dad. He has been thru alot in the past 20 years - he should have never made it this long and we just dont know how much "bounce" is left in him, if you know what I mean.
I will catch up soon and I hope all is well. News, I am thinking and praying for your sis - I hope things are well there. I will check in soon. Shawn-thanks for the talk tonight...

Love to all
Dawn
xoxo

Oh this is killing me - I am not getting enough sleep. My sinuses are a wreck, my head is throbbing and yes I am whining again! And I dont know why...yes I do!

Anyway, have the house to myself again. Paul has partner meeting tonight, Jake is spending the night at his best friends, so I am here alone. Which is ok. I actually COOKED for myself! Can you believe it? I think that has been part of my problem, with no one here, I havent been cooking and have been eating a lot of "fast food" and I typically stay away from their "healthier" alternatives. Now, dont go getting too excited...by cooking I mean, I opened a bag of frozed lean cusine skillet chicken alfredo thingy, threw it in the skillet and plopped my lazy but in front of the computer. But hey, I had dinner and before 7 PM to boot. SO that is an accomplishment of sorts!

I did get a little more sleep last night than the night before, but not much. I had to do a home improvement loan closing for work this afternoon. A very nice single woman, probably about 15 years older than myself. She was a real sweetheart. For the record, when I go to one of my company's customers houses, I always spend a few minutes of "warm up" time with them (well almost always - there are exceptions to the rules)I want them to feel good about the product & the company. Well this lady use to do loan work so she wasnt intimidated by the papers at all. So we spent most of the time chit chatting. Such the sweet woman that she is, she gave me an extra strength sleepy time tea bag to try tonight. That was such a sweet gesture! And we also talked about the warm milk at bed time (which my GYN recommended) and she told me that if I couldnt handle that, then to have a small bowl of cereal with milk, the carbs in the cereal and the whatever (i can never remember!) in the milk will make me sleepy. Tonight I will try the sleepy time tea. At this point in time, I will take and follow all reasonable suggestions to get a good nights sleep!

And after chatting with a dear dear friend today, I am sure part of the problem is the fact that I am not exercising either - in addition to not eating right, or taking a vitamin. So one step at a time, today I ate well. No breakfast (dont yell - I know bad bad bad!), a salad for lunch and then that lean cuisine whatever for dinner (gotta admit that regular stouffers skillet sensations are much better tasting than lean variety). While at the grocery store, I bought yogurt and fresh fruit, and eggs to boil, and these new calcium & vitamin D chews. Tomorrow back on the vitamins. I just Dr. B is going to get on me about something tomorrow. She is regular doctor who follows my cholestrol and all. Happy Happy Joy Joy. But I think I will hit her up for a scrip or perhaps a few samples of the new ambien cr to see if that can get me back on track and perhaps something for my nose. It is a mess. My current perscription for flonase of course is expired.
Have I ever told ya all how much I love my pharmacist, John? He is great, he really is. I know mail order is the way insurance companies want you to go, but I love the relationship I have with John. Of course, since just about every other time I go, I have some sort of problem or change with my benefits, but he is always patient and kind. So yesterday, I took Jake to the doctor & yes he has a bacterial infection in his ear - it was so swollen the doctor couldnt even see the ear drum. He writes a scrip for antibiotic ear drops (now mind you, this is probably only the 3rd prescription that has been written for this kid in 13 years). Jake has military insurance through his dad. Guess what? You got it - a problem at the pharmacy! John spent a good 20 minutes working on it, finally said "Give her the drops" to his assistant (shes new) and tells me, he will call me and let me know my co-pay. Now that isnt going to happen just anywhere. See why I love my pharmacist? So I got to see him again today to pay the copay. And to get some more sudafed from him. He was joking (maybe not) that pretty soon he will have to finger print me for it. I was at walmart a couple of weeks ago, and it took me 10 minutes to get a box of clartin d for tessa! All because of the meth labs. It is easier to get alcohol & cigarettes than anything containing psyhpedrhine (sp??).

OK, I realize I am on one of my ramblings. So sorry. It is my attempt to stay awake with out doing much of anything. I think Paul was a little disappointed that I was in bed when he got home last night - noticed I did not say asleep??? Sigh.....But on the bright side, since I have a doctors appt at 9:05 AM I can sleep in until 7:30--
Ahh, the simple pleasures in life! And then I have another loan closing at 1 PM tomorrow (about an hour away) so I will be out most of the afternoon as well! Yea!! Another single woman (much older though) and I closed her about a month ago, and we are doing more work for her and consolidating her previous loan. She was a such a joy to be around. I am looking forward to that.
I just hope I can get some sleep before Friday....I want to be able to "hang" Friday nite....I hope we stay downtown....Keep your fingers crossed for me! Also keep your fingers crossed that if I was able to convince him to get the jacuzzi suite, that I want to do more than sleep! And if he decides that we shouldnt splurge, well I can always sleep in the car on the way home - that will get him!

Enough of my ramblings....Love to all who stayed with this entry, because I doubt it makes much sense

Dawn
xoxo

is what I need. If I am lucky I got 3 to 4 hours of sleep last night and of course the best of it was between 4:30 and 6:00 AM. Sigh..... And since I havent been having any problems recently, I havent tracked anything. I really need to get better about that. Trying to find what works and what doesnt sure is a pain the arse.

Not much has been going on. And yes, Jake did get all five of his merrit badges at camp. But I think he has gotten an ear infection, so off to the doctors we go this afternoon. Then scouts tonight so they clean and put away the equipment. Then tomorrow he goes over to Lauri's for a day or so. I think he will go to his dad's this weekend. He has a more active social life than I. LOL

Tessa coped one of her attitudes this weekend - several times in fact. It really ticked Paul off. And then when she left yesterday she wouldnt even say good bye to him. I hope this is not an indication of how our trip to Kentucky is going to go. But I think she will be PMSing. Great.

Crystal (Paul's oldest) is ready to quit her job. She just called wanting reinforcement as to why she has to work - it is called her son. She is thinking of putting in for her vacation so she can job hunt in earnest. Not only that, but she wants to leave the man she lives with. I think Paul is leaning towards helping her financially, but I am not sure how much we should actually do. Her car is actually in his name, but she makes the payments. She is worried that if she tells him she is unhappy he will get mean. Now he is 46 or 47 to her 24. She feels indebted to him, for all he has done. But she feels as if she is missing something in life. Then the child support stopped again. Her ex doesnt hold a job for very long and hasnt seen Josh since he was about 7 months old. I hate to say this, but at this time, I dont think I could handle them moving in with us again. So much has happened in the past three years. Isnt that horrible?

I had a long talk with my mom yesterday. I feel guilty for not going to church to see her yesterday. My mommy radar is all messed up too. I almost always know when she needs me & vice versa. Dad had a couple of really bad days. Then she discovered that he was not taking any of prescriptions, except for the dilaudid, valium, and sleeping pills. And he wasnt taking his usual amount of diludid, because at first she thought he had taken too much. Apparently on Satuday he was so weak he could barely hold a cigarrette. But yesterday he was doing better. I was upset that she didnt call me sooner & she promised that when it happens again she will call. So I think I might go down one evening this week to see them. I know she is nervous about going to Kentucky. I hope my brother will be back from the Ocean by then. She asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital and he said no. So she will abide by his wishes. We are definatly back in a downward cycle with him again. I just dont know how much more fight and will is left in him. It is sad - but it also a double edged sword.

Paul was checking out the rates for hotels downtown - he thought I was joking when I said we couldnt get a room for less than $150 a night. So now we are debating whether or not to splurge on it. I think it would be good for "us" and I hope I got thru to him on Friday night. We shall see.

I am exhausted and looking at the screen is just making me even more tired. Hope this Monday finds everyone well.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

Ha! We all know the answer to that one, yes we do! I seem to be seeing a pattern of two good weeks - good sleep, feeling leveled and then BAM! First I stop sleeping well, and then everything else goes down hill. But on a bright note, I did get about 6 hours of sleep without waking, but I am still tired. I keep praying for balance to come.

Anyway, we have been having a good weekend so far. Jake came home from camp. We took him out to eat then came home for a while. Then we got Tessa and went to the movies - Taladega-Ricky Bobby... No substance but funny. We walked around the mall for a while then went to dinner. I have realized we go out to eat way too much! But it is summer and since no one has been around, I havent shopped much. I must go to the grocery store today - I really must!

I hope everyone is taking a great weekend!

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

I didnot realize just HOW long last nights entry was~ah well. Shawn my dear, you should (and I know you are) be the REALLY PROUD momma! And News, you are correct in that is where some of the committment issues come into play, but I have made the decission not to let it bother me anymore.
Paul was a real sweatheart when he FINALLY got home last night. I called him again and he was meeting with his partner so he told me to go ahead and eat. So I was a BAD GIRL and went to the local pizza shop - they make their own bread - Italians from Italy - the sweetest people in the world. He gets home and is all apolgetic because he forgot that it was a last child free night and we hadnt done anything. He had an extra set of preseason tickets that he sold & gave me the cash to do what ever I want with - sweet! Then said that we should stay downtown and have a good time when we go to the game next Friday. Aww... I am just thankful that he didnt keep his "concerns" bottled in this time - he was telling me how special our relationship is, etc. So even tho I stayed up way too late last night, I am a very happy & content woman this morning. I hope everyone has a spectacular weekend!!

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

Aww, you guys are great!! s to all of my extended family!

I am so glad today is OVER - what a day. My company is having some kind of audit on Monday, so I had to dig thru old employee files - ugh. On the bright side, I did get everything the "witch" at corp wanted and to boot got an "atta girl" email with the owner & CEO cc'd - not that I am into atta girls-just do my job & try to help when I can.

I am one of THOSE people who should NEVER and I mean NEVER wear white! I love my white capri's but somehow I always manage to get something on them (lets see, some chocolate from m&m's (i thought they didnt melt in your hand??) something pink??) Sigh.... I knew deep in my heart not wearing white had nothing to do with my periods!

At 5 the heat index was 105 - no wonder poor Jake sounds so beat! One of the boys refused to drink water and had to leave for emergency treatment. He is one of the younger ones, and I guess even his brother couldnt get him to drink any. Jake was telling me he was freezing yesterday afternoon - heat stroke I suppose. Jake assures methat he is drinking lots of water. He definatly got 3 of the 5 merrit badges he signed up for. Tomorrow he takes his sailing test & I guess he will find out about the last one. He sounds tired, his voice is all froggy-I am willing to bet that when he gets home Saturday morning, he is going to want to sleep! But all in all he sounds like he is having fun. His team assignment came in the mail for 8th grade. So I am sure there will be plenty of calls and IMing going on this weekend to find out who all is on his team. I posted a comment on his myspace announcing his team. It's funny, because he was told the only way he could have a myspace was if I had the password. So when he called on Monday, he wanted me to check it out and see if there were any new posts or more importantly messages. So Tuesday I had to log in to see if there were messages and Tessa left a comment about how come he was on line when he was at camp. She wont even let me see her myspace. Hers is private so I log in as Jake and take a look around. Parental rights.

Speaking of Tess, she updated her xanaga site...I feel some of the comments were more or less directed towards me. It is no secret that her dad & I want her to move up here & go to high school here and she of course is against that and she made the comment saying that she was going to school where she wants too and that she has her head screwed on pretty straight. Well, that is true to an extent, but she is ONLY 14....I remember Brit having her head screwed on pretty straight at that age too. Ahh...I must say that I blame alot of it on their mom. I hate to do that, but it is the truth. You must be a parent first - not a friend. And whenever she would ask Paul for help, she would change her mind and not let him intervene. Tess is raising herself more or less and it really irritates me. Sometimes I think I am the only adult she really talks to anymore. She has been asking a lot questions about menopause - she thinks her bf's mom is going thru it.

Brit will be 18 in a week! I hope that means Paul will tell to cut the support checks. But I know that Denise will manipulate the situation somehow. My thought is, I can buy Tess what ever she NEEDS. Sigh.... Anyway, had an interesting conversation with Brit on line - about politics of all things. She wants to complain about the government so I told her to make sure she registers to vote and then she started in on how it doesnt really matter - it just a case of choosing the lesser of 2 evils. So I suggested she get involved and find a way to work towards change. She doesnt care for my political views but that is ok - because everyone is entitled to their opinions and beliefs. I wonder if I should mention the conversation to Paul. Because she has been hurtful and mean spirited to and towards me, he thinks I should ignore her - but I cant. I know that she manipulates me (or tries too) but no matter what, I really always try to be there for her. Paul tells me I am nuts - and maybe I am, but I can not give up hope. Its funny because we were talking about her last night and how she might be coming around. I hope so. But sometimes I get the feeling that she is "playing" us - trying to make it seem like she is grown up and such. I look back and try to figure out what I could have differently with her. But I dont think I ever stood a chance - but I still wont give up.

Paul's insecurity came thru last night. He wanted to aske me a "personal question" - hello!! we have been together for 9 years - living together for 5 ? What kind of question is that? Anyway, it goes back to Tuesday nite when I did that settlement. Turns out, he was home by 7:30 but didnt bother to call me until after 9. I guess he thinks that since he told me wasnt interested in dinner and wasnt sure when he would be home that I was out messing around. Geez.... I am like have a little faith and trust in me, for petes sake. It was a last minute assignment, I figured you were going to be late and hey if I can get two off these settlements a week thats an extra $600 a month for savings. To bad he hasnt bothered to look at the assignment sheet that is still sitting on the printer. At least he got it out in the open this time and without directly accusing me of running around. I have it too good to do that! That and I am too dam tired...lol. No, in all honesty I cant because in him I found the other half of my soul and heart.

I called him on my way home, hoping we could go out, but he was doing an interview with Robbie - a guy he trained at the old company (Rob is still there) - I still think of him as this young kid, just starting out in the business - but he has a wife and 2 beautiful kids and has to be close to 30. Isnt funny how in situations like this, you all of a sudden feel OLD? Sigh.

Only two weeks til we go to Kentucky to see Chris. I cant wait! Now that makes me feel OLD - LOL. He was only 5 when his dad & I met - and he will soon be finishing basic and his advanced individual training. I was so proud when he graduated high shcool and this, well this just puts a lump in my throat. Hes a good kid, err young man. I get 2 or 3 letters a week from him. I have been doing some creative things with the scrapbooking program I have and he really likes those-he said he loves getting the pics. This weekend will take some current pictures and design a page or two to send him. I can always put them in my scrap books if I ever get around to them again. It seems that my to do list gets longer and longer everyday! News, come get me organized! LOL - that would be a full time job! I know where everything is, it just isnt all neat and pretty.

Hey Shawn - if you check in let me know how DD did today. I tried looking up the results a while ago and nothing was posted.

WOW, this is a long one.....Hopefully Paul will be home soon-this is our last night "child free"---I think we oughta do something....we usually treat ourselves at least once when we have a week like this - and we have had 2 back to back - but this year is different. But I cant complain because the COMPANY is doing so well.

Hope everyone is doing fine and dont forget about those post cards - arent they adorable??

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

I hope this ok to post here. I know that we are all different people with different beliefs etc. I know that the war in Iraq is a very debatable subject. Despite how you feel, I would love it if everyone here would follow what is below. As a former soldier, and a mother with two of her sons in the army, and numerous family members who have served or are serving, I found this very heart warming. This is for someone far from home, family, loved ones--

If you go to the web site at letssaythanks.com you can pick out a thank you card and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq. You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to some member of the armed services. It only takes a second and wouldn't it be wonderful if they received a bunch of these.

This will only take a minute and the post cards are adorable. Even if you think the war is wrong, please send a post card to a soldier.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

P.S. I would love it too, if everyone shared this link with everyone they know.

Never even made it to the pool yesterday! And News, I think you are right, I just may sleep there tonight! The reason I never made it to the pool is because I am trying to pick up a few extra bucks using my notary skills. I got picked up by a settlement company last week and they had a last minute assignment & asked me if I would take it. Sure why not. OMG!!! The title company had the docs all screwed up-it took forever to get them printed-the settlement company (who pays me) was great tho. And the poor people! They were actually suppose to close on their loan the day before! It had to get pushed back to 8 PM which meant I didnt get home til 10 and I was exhausted. Well, before all that had happened I had called Paul and he was rather grumpy & impatient so I didnt bother to tell him that I was doing a settlement, figuring I would be home before him, because the original time was set for 7PM. So I think he was a little peveed. Oh well, I guess he will get over it.

Today is definatly a POOL day! No ifs ands or buts! There appears to be a nice breeze outside so it shouldnt be to bad. And yes, I will subsidize (sp?) the beer with water! Besides getting dehydrated it gets you loopier fast - hehe.

And Shawn, I loved sitting out on MIL's patio. I wasnt sweating buckets so it was fine! Besides I liked the privacy as well!

Jake called again today from camp. He sounded whipped! Last night was the night they hiked to the woods and made their own shelters and slept on the ground. It sounds like he didnt get much sleep. And ofcourse it is just as hot there as well. But over all he seems to be having fun. Just a few more days of peace and quiet. I enjoy it but I miss him at the same time.

Work is slow-just makes for a long day. Ahh well.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

is gonna kill me :letsnow: -- I have never enjoyed 90 degree weather - today is suppose to be 99 and 100 tomorrow.....I am melting! I am so glad that we have this pool! For those that read about the permit-the guy from the borough came by last week, (because we hadnt done the permit - or rather PAUL hadnt) so Paul goes ahead and fills out. For description of work he put fill inflatable 4ft pool! How funny is that? Guess my new water bill be here soon......
I was a good girl and went home yesterday and cleaned up the house and did 3 loads of laundry! Whoo Hoo! Only 2 loads left and then Jake comes home from camp. I hate doing his laundry after camp. He called today and is having fun. It is just as hot there-I had hoped that being in the mountains it would be cooler for him, but guess not.
I am having issues with getting out of bed in the mornings - I mean serriously. Its not that anyone really CARES what time I come in, but this morning I didnt get in til 8:30 and boy did it peeved the VP (of course he thinks I was here at my usual 7:30) because leads were not covered this morning because they were all in Baltimore. Oh well. I bought a new alarm clock but that hasnt helped - I cant even hear the bugger. Paul is so totally amazed by how I can sleep thru the alarms. It has gotten worse - it is like I just can not get enough sleep - and its not the heat either.
I think I am stopping for a few beers on my way home and will just float around all by myself. Now that sounds like a piece of heaven. I even think that there is a partial bag of ice in the freezer - now comes the hard part - which brand? Decisisions decisions! I like Corona but have developed a taste for Green Light (Rolling Rock light). Now in a situation like this, I would buy a 12 pack of each - but not in this state! Grr.... So apparently my life is good right now if that is my biggest problem!

I had a nice long chat with my mom last night. She is doing well. My brother & SIL are doing well. I really feel for her since she is pregnant, but they are leaving for the beach tomorrow. My dad is hanging in, thats about it from what I can tell. He isnt eating and my mom is getting concerned. And this heat is really hard on him too. I chatted with him for a few minutes, but he kept losing his train of thought. I need to go down there is weekend and visit.

I forgot my pills this morning-the main one being the HRT. Will have to take it as soon as I get home.

I hope everyone is surving the heat wave! Try to stay cool and remember to PUSH THE WATER!!! Heat related injuries are NO FUN (been there done that).

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

P.S. Shawn- guess Tess is ok. I think it was a combo of food poisioning (or a stomach bug) and the heat. Thanks for asking!

Well, Shawn & I finally got the chance to meet! Yea! It was so cool ! Hopefully soon the picture of us will be posted in my photo section. As of this time, it is "pending". Please note that it is a very HOT and HUMID day so needless to say I am having a bad hair day. The two hours I was at her MIL's flew by, and I got to say that she is who she is when she posts! And, Shawn that is a good thing! Even though it was hot out, we sat on her MIL's little patio which has a beautiful view of the woods. I meet the kids and DH as well. The kids, hey they are typical teenagers - they heard hysterectomy and wanted nothing to do with the conversation. I must say, that they have covered some serious ground since their departure from Texas. And tomorrow they are to the Virginia Beach/Norfolk area for the junior olympics. We caught up on things because we havent really talked since she left for vacation and she wants everyone to know that she says hi and will be catching up with everyone when she gets to a place that doesnt have dial up or when she gets back home. I caught her up on some of you guys. After actually meeting face to face, I am really sorry that we live so far apart. It is truly amazing that this place can bring complete strangers together and turn them into friends. And Shawn, you are indeed a friend! I cant wait til we can start chatting again on more regular basis.

It was a busy morning and day. I finally got Jake off to scout camp for the week. What an ordeal that turned into. He was more intrested in doing everything except finishing his packing and such. I guess they are there now. The leaders are wonderful and I know that he will have a good time - he always does.

While I was driving from here to met Shawn, Paul was busy on the computer - he bought us season tickets for the Ravens this year! I am so excited! That call came while Shawn & I were visiting. Then Tessa called and was going to come up, but then changed her mind. Paul is at work today and I guess he will be heading home soon. Well, a little while ago he was headed towards the job site where he has deliver some scafolding. The he will be home. So this will be another a quiet week for me.

Since I am actually sleeping better, I have some goals to acheive this week - lets see if I can meet some of them - LOL! But in all honesty, I am starting to feel much better and with not having any obligations this coming week, I should be able to get the house cleaned - yea. And really isnt that bad, I just need to straighten a bit and I just cant stand doing housework on the weekends. I would much rather do it after work- and that is my goal for tomorrow evening & laundry - which is never ending. I should do a load or two today and I might, but I really want to go float around in the pool before he gets home. I think we are going out to dinner tonight thats always nice.

I hope all my sisters are enjoying their weekend!
Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

P.S. Shawn sends her kisses to all!

Picked my little guy -HA- young man is more like it, up this morning. We went to Wal*Mart to get the last minute things he needs for camp. Of course there were things that we couldnt find there. Wasnt sure if Paul was going to work today or not, so I called and he was home, so off to Gander Mountain and then to Dicks. All I need to get now is emergency "food" for a three day survival for the family. This is part of one his merrit badges. I am thinking those packages of tuna that are sealed, some canned goods, just enought to get him through the merrit badge. I forgot his whislte, heres hoping the grocery store has one. Ha. He use to have one, but lord only knows. I know I had one in the cart at one time, but I have no idea where it is. Go figure and I didnt pay for one so.....
The weather is miserable. I should go get in the pool and I probably will later.
The tickets came today for the preseason game - woo hoo! Upper Reserve- but thats cool. It will be fun. See what the fresh "meat" looks like. Heehee. Time to get ready to start up my football pool that I say I am not doing anymore every year when the season ends. But I always do one.
If all goes well, tomorrow I will be meeting Shawn face to face! I am really looking forward to that. While thinking about that this morning on my way to get Jake, I realized that I have never met any person from the internet. Pretty strange, huh? I hope it all works out as far as schedules go, cause I dont think I will be going to Texas any time soon.
Well, the big Bear, just woke, so better go -think he wants to get into something - not sure. I hope everyone is having a great weekend.
Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

... I do at times feel as if I ramble on too long about nothing much. But it does me much good to get things out and to hear a word or two of encouragement or even some advise. The annonmity makes it easy as well. Although I feel as if I am connected to you ladies and that I know something of you - if that makes sense.

Anyhoooo--all official things are great at home again. Whew...That is a nice relief. Last night was another late night - after 10. He has the company recap of the first six months..and....they are doing really really well. Their business plan for the bank had estimated almost a million in sales at this point and they are at the 3 million mark! How wonderful is that for a start-up mechanical construction company? Pretty awesome if I do say so myself. They are really getting some really good jobs with some really big companies. They are definatly going to be a tough competor in a tough market place. I am so proud of him. But both him & Rob have excellent reputations through out the industry. And to be honest, hearing and seeing the numbers was somewhat of an aphrodesiac (sp?) and well lets just say that that went very well. I told him we need to get close like that more often - it helps to keep me balanced. Although there was some discomfort afterwards - the pouch - and it is still tender to the touch today. I dont think it is anything to really worry about, but I think I really need to start working those muscles.

So last night, instead of doing a few things around the house, I shopped for ring tones for my new phone. How silly is that? It was nice to sit and goof off - no noise, except the ghost seemed to be disgruntled. Not sure what his problem was, but things were bumping. Yes, I do think that there is a ghost in my house. Not a mean or scary one tho. And we never got a storm and it wasnt windy out or anything like that. The noise was coming from the basement. My dad thinks I am nuts and my mom is somewhat suspicsous, but there is one, I am sure of it. Poor Maxie about jumped out of her skin.

I am bored at work. Things have gotten slow. But that is the nature of the beast. Although I had an interesting conversation with Brit (Pauls second to youngest). I figured she was going to start bugging me about her birthday (she will be 18) but then I remember that she gets offended if I shop for her & not her dad. Oh well. Instead she wanted to debate the merits of legalizing marijuana. What ever....Like I have time or even the interest in that. So I guess she has decided to become an activist for the legalization of it. Who knows. All I do know is, from what her dad tells me, she really needs to work on her hygeiene. Apparently she is experimenting with the more "natural life" which doesnt include soap and water! She sent me a link explaining the good of hemp. I do hope that this is a phase and she will move on. Her boyfriend isnt the most positive influence in the world.

August 11th we (paul & I) are going to a pre-season ravens game! Yea!! Football season is almost here!! The best part is, the tickets were free - we won them at a bull roast. I am trying to convince him that we should stay downtown that night - at the harbor. But then when he asked what the checking account balance was he said no. But I will convince him that it would be GOOD for US. Then on our way home Saturday, we can take Brit out for her bday if she is interested. Its not like we are broke - we have just been frivalous. So what is one more little piece of fun?

Wish me luck in finding the "perfect" purse and or wallet! Having never been to one of these, I am looking forward to it. Guess I should do my filing. B-O-R-I-N-G! But must be done.

Heres hoping all you ladies are having a stellar day and wonderful evening!

Love to all,

Dawn
xoxo

Yesterday turned out to be a productive day. Helped Lauri out and it is good to see her and the boys happy again. The apartment really is cute and the balcony looks over the pool~too many hot teenage girls so I have decided that Jake is banned from there til winter! Yea right.
Came home took the cover off of the pool. Talk about icky. When Paul is was in his state of "PMS" he covered it on Friday and left that way. So I got it cleaned and today it looks much better, might even be worth getting into, but it looks as if it might storm so I thought I would check in here first. I also got the kitchen cleaned-yea! No more cooking so it stays that way. HA! Then I fried my cell phone. Talk about PANIC MODE. All I can say is thank God, cingular has gone regional. It has been a pain because we kept our Maryland numbers but live in PA. So anyhooo....I broke down and got the phone I really wanted - the PINK Razr. It looks girly but every once in a while the girly girl comes out in me. I finally took care of the aqauriums - I cant remember the last time I changed the filters. I have been so out of sorts over the past month. I must say from month 2 to 3 has been the worse. But I am feeling better.
Paul and I....well last night was partner meeting night, so he is always late. He came home while I was carrying the water to the big tank. I started asking him about his day, and he said that wasnt important, that it was more important to talk about my day. Awww.... Anyway, things are much better. And I have realized that we do not need to rehash the events of last week. I think we both have realized that each of us pointed out truths to the other - but in a mean way rather than doing it nicely~which is habit for us, because we are both passionate people. I know that he loves me and I know that he carries the pain from his divorce a lot deeper than I think he should. But who am I to judge him for that? And to be honest, I have been LAZY and that is the truth. Of course, just having major surgery, sleep issues, and GOING BACK TO WORK is enough to make anyone lazy. And he did carry us 100% financially while I was out of work. We just hit PMS at the same time. But like I said things are better. And as long as I dont focus on wanting to be married, things go much better. The next couple of weeks will be tougher than normal, his step mom is having surgery on her rotator cuff on the first. I am sure that is going to place some extra demands on us. But I am up for it. And bless Tessa, she has said she will stay with Mom Mom Betty for a few days. She is precious. Have I mentioned how much I love that girl?
I got another letter from Chris today. I miss him. I pray that what ever his future holds, that God will keep him safe and protect him. So far he has passed all his requirements and seems to like it. However we did not get a phone call last weekend because 9 of the guys did something or another and everyone was punished. How I remember those days from my own basic training.
I am missing Jake. I hate it when he goes to his dads for a week. I know that makes me a horrible mom, but even though I am enjoying the QUIET I miss him. He comes home Saturday then turns around and leaves on Sunday for camp for a week. But he is lucky to have two dads that love him and all I can do is hope and pray that he picks the best of their qualities.
There is so much I should be doing and I am sure that I will get some of it done. I stayed at work til 5:30 getting my yearly credit reports. I really need to get that mess straightened out. I need to convince Paul to get his own so that we can better plan our future. My friend at work gave me some helpful pointers on rebuilding. The funny thing is though, all 3 credit burreaus report different stuff. Luckily for me though, all 3 show my good stuff. This was my doing and I will get it straightened out. Life...Never a dull moment.
Looking forward to the purse party tomorrow. I have never been, but this is what my SIL told me. It is a home party like Pampered Chef, except there is NO sales pitch, no demonstration, she dumps the purses out on the floor and the women go for it. Some are designer purses and some are quality knock offs. Also wallets & something else, but I cant remember - go figure! Anyway, not one being into "name brand" I will see if I can find the perfect knock off. I can never find just the right purse. It is rather frustrating to me. But I shall try tomorrow evening. OOO and if on time and I bring a friend I get a free gift~WOO HOO! I told SIL I would be early just to make sure! I would hate to get behind a piece of farm equipment and be late!
I guess I have bored ya'all to tears, so I will go do something productive-hehe....
Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

P.S. Shawn dear, if you check in, Tessa & I were talking about Cedar Point-cant remember why she brought it up, but it made me think of you! Hope you are having a blast with your family!!!

We took Tessa out to dinner for her birthday before she left and it was nice-Mexican. So much for a restful week though. I need to purhcase a ton of stuff for Jake to take to scout camp. It never ends. I will be leaving work in a while to help Lauri with moving. I am so happy she will be out of that house for good now. They saw the apt today for the first time and like it. Thursday nite she & I are going to my SIL's for a Purse Party - should be interesting.

Paul and I are talking - but not about anything in particular. I think the wounds are still too fresh for the both of us. We run this course about every 6 to 8 months and we always manage to work through it. Indvidually we both have a lot on our plates and collectivly we are just passing each other. But I do believe that this will improve. I just wish we could manage a weekend away - just the two of us. But as I look at the calendar and committments it just seems impossible. Maybe we can manage a fun day for us at Hershey Park soon. Who knows.

News and Linda~thank you so much for words of wisdom. It means a lot to me.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

and it will be a quiet one, I hope. Jake is at his dads. Tessa goes home today. And with a little luck, Paul will put in some long hours this week. Selfish, I know, but I need the time alone at home to putz around and gather my thoughts. I really do. I also need to finish my "test" on the refi docs, find my bond, and my errors & ommissions insurance so I can start doing my part time job as a signing agent. It will be really nice if most of the work can be here in the York area. But first I have send them all that stuff.
I cooked last night - I mean really cooked! I marinated pork chops & cooked them on the grill with fresh local corn on the cob (on the grill too) and then cooked some green beans. I loved tipping the beans - I was in my own little world remember my grandma and how we use to tip beans for Sunday dinner. Ah..the pleasant memories. I also served up some fresh locally grown tomoatoes. I wish I had a garden this year. Yea, like I would have been able to handle that.
I am finally sleeping - a lot actually. I dont even hear Paul come to bed which is a good thing actually. We are being polite to one another at the moment. Friday night he was real hurtful and even though, he admitted to saying it out of anger, he never said he was sorry. Why do men have such a hard time saying they are sorry? Is it because it is too much like admitting that they are wrong?
I am not holding a grudge. I just need the time to reflect. This isnt the first time we have had words like this, and I must admit that it has been a long time though. I know that he has issues, who of doesnt? But I know that I can not change how he feels in regards to certain things and that I really need to stop trying to make him change this thoughts & beliefs. That is only something that he can do. I have always thought in terms of "us" and I think that is something I need to change. Not that we arent "us" but I need to be more pro-active for "me" and stop putting my needs and wants on the back burner for tomorrow. He always talks about us down the road. Why cant it be us now? But those are his issues not mine. I am fully vested in the relationship and I think he is as well. It is just that when he gets mad, he strikes out. Although in all honesty, I tend to strike out first. Sometimes I just dont know when to keep my mouth shut. Thinking before speaking has never been been one of my strong points. Oh well, I am making improvements along that line, but still have a ways to go. When I start to have these feelings of anxiety and doom I really need to remember that I have something to take for it-of course I dont usually remember until the damage is done. Typical for me as well. Not feeling sorry for myself here, it is just that some things I am a slow learner - this is especially true when it comes to relationships.
If there is recarnation, I most definatly want to come back as a man. They have the world by the balls. Actually, I just wish that there could be true equality and that we could all just get along.
I just found that he should be home this evening because Tessa isnt leaving until 8 or so. Great. But tomorrow is meeting night, so he should definatly be late. And I will be helping Lauri move. That will be good, she is happy. Of course Dave is being a but.

Can two people live in harmony on a path that isnt the same, but close? Does that question even make sense? If I chose to stay where I am, because the things I want will come tomorrow - am I being kept? Am I silly for holding out? But if I stay and become more independent (or truly "single" in the sense that I alone provide for myself & Jake) then I am not being kept, correct? And my doing his laundry and picking up after him and being so very "wife like" should allow me certain benefits, correct? This is all soo deep. We do love each other and love has its ups and downs and can not be all rosy all the time. I know that. I know that it is silly to wish for the courtship days to come back - they dont. Oh, there are a few people who manage to keep that part of their lives alive, but in reality most dont. I need to make a back up plan for myself - should things not work out the way they have been planned. But isnt that planning for failure? I know that we need to have a heart to heart, but I am unwilling to do so at this moment, because I am much more vulnerable than him. I am still processing, sorting, and deciding. I wish I could be carefree right now.
I need to go to scouts this evening, even thou Jake isnt here, just to get the final details for next Sunday. I also need to put together the popcorn fundraiser for this year. Ugh....You would have thought all those years in the army that I would have learned to never volunteer for anything! You guys can order it on line to support him if you want! LOL
Speaking of Army, got another letter from Chris. I miss him so much. I hope that are messing with them, couple letters ago he said he was headed for Texas, now he is tellimg me that he is possibly going to California to get ready to go to Iraq. I wish they wouldnt tell them things like that until they are sure. I know that Iraq is a DEFINATE POSSIBILITY and I am ok with it - as much as a mother can be. He understood the risks and I am ok with that. But I am a WORRY WART....At least I know where to order my service flag should he go. This is probably longer than I intended - but I am bored at work and have another hour to go. But I will close for now. My head hurts and my heart is heavy.
Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

P.S. Shawn I miss our talks!! Hope you are having fun...a week til we meet, right??

for all of your kind words and support. I have just taken a few moments to catch up with some of you. I feel bad that I havent been on more, but that is the case sometimes. Things are okay - not great but okay. Relationships tend to be complicated things anyway. Today is Jakes 13th birthday - they grow up so fast. Tess will be 14 Monday. We celebrated today and that was nice. Tomorrow I will take the kids to my moms. It will be good for me to see her. And Lauri has been a big help with all that I am going thru. Some of which I am sure is self induced. More on that later perhaps. I see my regular doctor in a few weeks, some tweaking of the antidepressants might be needed, we shall see. I have gotten a lot of letters from Chris. I am so looking forward to going to Ft. Knox next month to see him. He is sounding more and more like a man everyday. BUT, it now seems that he might be headed for Iraq. I will deal with that when the time comes. He was and is prepared for it - I think anyone who joins the service now, realizes what could be involved. But we will take him out for a belated 21st bday celebration so that will be nice. He wont finish school until October and a lot can can happen in this time.
Paul and I, well...it is rocky at the moment, but I guess we will get thru. No drastic changes are in place for the moment. I know some of the past week stems from having the boys here and some too that we dont really have any alone time. But I will have a lot of quiet time over the next two weeks and I am really looking forward to that. I have some stuff just for me planned too. I am tired, even though I am sleeping better. Trying to maintain a schedule with the testosterne & progesterine to see if that really does help. Also inhaling clary sage at night before bed. Bath & Body Works doesnt carry the essential oils anymore, so I will order some more. And possibly look for a yoga class. Who knows. One day at a time.
I love you all and thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I have much to say, but the time is not now. I need quiet and privacy. But you ladies will never know how much you mean to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

I have come to the conclusion that I must be nuts. I must be. No, not really, but at times like this, I feel as if I am losing my mind. What I have really figured out is, that no matter how much we may love a man, he is still just a man. The differences between men and women go far beyond physical. They really do. It is times like this that I hate being a woman, emotional, vulunerable, caring, passionate about home & family. It really is hard. I was raised to be independent & free thinking - not to let anyone infulence me, not to be afraid to do anything, to think for myself, be willing to stand up for myself, and not be afraid to voice my opinons. But when I do, it bites me in the *****. It really does, because somehow I come off as either a Bi$%ch or a clingy needy woman. Just because I am strong and dont NEED a man, doesnt mean that I am a witch. I know that he has a lot going on and I bend over backwards to understand (even when I dont) how come I can not get that in return. I am not asking him to even try to understand the emotional and mental healing from the surgery. I myself, feel weak because I am not there yet - where ever there may be. I have always been an emotional and passionate person. ALWAYS. And with the ovaries gone, I honestly thought that I would balance out and become more level. But I am not. I cant say that I am depressed - it is more of an anxious feeling, one of dread, expecting the worse. Typically I look for the good, the positive, so maybe in the sense of dread I did cause things to escalate late night. I was defensive, that I willingly admit. But I do not think I am wrong in being that way due to his actions or reactions over the past couple of days. At this point, if he should leave, I dont care. And that is not a good place to be. I mean I would, but I dont think I would be devasated. Once upon a time, I would have been, but not now. He has no idea how hard it is for me to get up every day and come to work. He thinks that because he can wake up every few hours and still function, that I should be able to. He doesnt take into account that work is demanding on me at the moment and to come home and deal with things there is not easy for me. Suzie homemaker I have never been. My down time is more important than ever. I understand his complaints about the house & the kids - but that is no reason to yell at me. I cant stand the fact that he accuses me of being just like his ex without saying so directly. It is more of like, what I should you marry you so you can take everything I have or what you need someone to care about you - heres the internet. I AM NOT NOR HAVE EVER BEEN THAT PERSON. He knows that too, that is what makes it hurt so much. I didnt take my ex to the cleaners - I left with what was mine and infact, a lot of things got left with him, because he his 3 boys and needed them more than I. And I have never dated a man off of the internet - not that there is anything wrong with that. But I did set him once in the early days. I know I dont have it bad. He provides very nicely for us. I know that. But material does not take the place of emotional. I dont need things, sure I may want things, but I dont need them. What I do need is the emotional connection - I get some when I listen to him go on, but every once in a while, I need for him to listen to me - and at least pretend he cares about what I am saying. He use to. But now...I feel more like a convenience factor. Someone to pay the bills, take care of things around the house, etc. ANd I dont know where his high standards have come from. Lord knows his apt was always a wreck. I guess because I work a typical workday, that I should be more than happy to spend 2-5 hours a night doing housework. Well, I dont. ANd it is real hard to get stuff done on the weekends when everyone else is laying around and enjoying themselves. He says he loves me. I guess he does. But he is more distant than ever. And that is to be expected with the business and all. But I too have been thru a major life altering event. In his mind, it is done and over. I should be "fixed" - he doesnt understand that yes physically I am fixed, but it takes much longer for the rest of me to heal. And he thinks I am making excuses because I dont feel that my hormones are right yet. I am making excuses because I am still having mood swings, hot flashes, night sweats. It is all in my head says he. Not allowed and not in so many words. Unfortunatly all this exploded last night while Lauri & the kids where there. I know that he & she talked some but I dont really know about what. I dont think I really care either. He thinks just because he gives the majority of the money to the household, that that is enough. Maybe for Denise it was, but not for me. I have told him that time and time again, but he doesnt get it. I am so tired. I dont want to deal with him tonight and hopefully I wont have to since Tessa is coming up so she can babysit. I just dont want to go home tonight. I just want to disappear. I wish I could go home and sleep right now.Sigh..........

actually 13 weeks. I had an entry but just erased it because it was so pathetic. I am struggling and I am not sure why. Shawn you are right, I need to get it out, but I cant seem to find the words. I think I know where it stems from, but at this point, I just cant confront him. It would cause more problems rather than solve. And it is way too complicated to try to explain. Or maybe just too long. Or maybe I would feel like I was/am justifying someone elses behavior. Bottom line, I hurt inside, I know why, but I cant do anything positive about it. I feel as if I am headed for a downward spriral. Wish me luck.

I feel like it has been forever since I have had the chance to check in! And so much has happened over the past few days, it is hard to put it all together. But it is quiet here at the moment. Jake is at his dads til Monday evening, Tessa will be here sometime this afternoon, she is babysitting for her sister, and Paul is at work - no surprise there.

I slept in til almost 10:30 this morning - I felt guilty but got over it. I did wake once or twice, but rolled over and went back to sleep. We went out with his partners and their wives last night, for crabs. It was a nice evening but to be honest I enjoy talking with the men more the wives. But it was a fun evening and when we left, we were all surprised that it was almost 11! So it was midnight when we got home, and to be honest, on the ride home I realized that I had a buzz. Then I got one of those bone chills where you feel like you might break in half and crumble. I got warm once we got home and was asleep in no time. It was needed. I spent some time doing pool maintenance and then just floated around. It is so peaceful to do that. Got out and it rained for a few. I am guessing that Crystal will stay for a bit when she brings Tess home. Josh will want to get in the pool. I should be doing other things but decided I needed this time to reconnect here.

Paul and I have not been able to schedule our pool time together - last night would have been perfect, but alas I guess I had one to many beers, not that I had a lot, but I did drink Corona so I guess that is why it got to me. That and the weight loss I guess. He was only home one night at a reasonable hour and he spent the time talking with boys. So that was good. We did talk upstairs for a long time though - well he talked and I listened, but I like that too. It helps me feel conected with him to keep up with what is going on with the business. It has been decided that the 4th (and newest) man that was suppose to get partnership next year, will not be offered it at this time. So who knows what he will do. He has the option to stay as an employee. I guess they are figuring out how they are going to handle that.

I had a week with dealing with the WITCH and the owner over my insurance. I went to the pharmacy for my HRT and found out that my prescription plan cancelled. Come to find out, everybodys was, it was an error on the insurance company's part - they applied the check from our company to another company. Yea, ok. I think the real story might be something like the company didnt mail the check. But whatever. They told me that I couldnt leave the insurance til the end of the month, but with not having pharmacy they decided that it would be possible to just end my policy since I hadnt used the benefits this month. Thank God. The new insurance is ok, not great but better in some respects to what I was being offered to my company. I am just glad that I can get my follow up mamogram where I went back in March which is the same place where the biopsy was done. The thought of going else where was really making me crazy.

I think I might be doing some signing work for a settlement company. That will be a nice little part time job. I just need to get some legal paper so that I can take their "test" and then make a copy of my E&O insurance and bond. Uggh..where did I put that stuff? LOL. I think I know where it is. Although I think I may have to get self employed insurance, I am not sure though. Guess that is something I have to look into.

Jake enjoyed football camp last week. He is really looking forward to practice starting in August. I am too to be honest. I loved watching his brothers play football. And Jake didnt stick with soccer so I am really pleased that he decided that he wants to play football. And he needs to go thru his scout camping stuff to see what he needs for camp - that is just 2 weeks away. This summer seems to be flying by.

Well, guess I better go finish cleaning up the kitchen and get my shower. Tess just text messaged me and I guess they will be here soon and she needs some sinus medicine - the stuff I have doesnt seem to work for stuffy nose.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

It sure seemed like it. I was so ready to walk out the door and never go back to that job again. But alas, I stayed. It was just one thing after another all day long. These long days are really getting to me. But the good news is, come August 1st I will not have to worry about making sure that I work enough to cover my insurance. I am getting rid of it because what I have found is the same or even better in some ways. Lets just hope that good health stays with me for a while til I figure out what I am going to do for the long haul.

I just really hope that the computer issues at my office get better - because it is really hard for me to deal with everyone thinking I can just fix it all. I didnt think I had gotten my superwoman cape back yet! LOL

I did get in the pool today - just to vaccum it - but it was nice. I was hoping Paul would be home so that he & I could do a little swim together but it is meeting night - he didnt think he would be late, but....he still isnt home.

Staying up til 11 every night is starting to wear on me. So this is short. I still feel as if I have a major case of PMS....termianl too! I really need some serious "ME" time - dont know when though.

Good night and love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

Grr...I am really starting to hate Mondays. Today was horrible! It all started by having to get out of bed - lol! But I did sleep all night so that was a good thing. I took lots of deep breaths of clary sage and put some in my armoma thingy (clary sage is suppose to calm hot flashes) but I could have used a few more hours of sleep I think. Took Jake to football camp then went to do a loan closing and all went well. I got to the office and things were nuts. The printer wasnt printing, the fax wasnt receiving, the server was down....Typical Monday, except I didnt get there until 2-1/2 hours later than usual. Then was having problems with the internet connections. Picked Jake up from camp, checked the mail and found out that I am enrolled in COBRA! WHAT?!?!?!? And I feel really awful, because I got nasty with the customer service reps at the insurance company - but I have had so many problems with that company that I couldnt help it. But that is still no excuse. Of course when I called THE WITCH, it was all the insurance company's fault. Whatever. Although I have been told that I do have coverage. We shall see what happens when I go to the pharmacy to get my hormones tomorrow. Heaven help someone if it is all messed up! With my luck..... BUT I did finally get the insurance stuff from NASE and it looks decent - not great but decent. I do have a few questions to ask within the 10 day grace period. My biggest concern is the lack of prescription benefits, but I will delve into that further. Thr dr. copays are cheaper and it is a PPO rather than an HMO. Pauls would be better, but we wont even go there at the moment. LOL

Airline tickets are purchased for the trip to Kentucky. All that is left is to decide on the motel and to upgrade the rental to a full size car. I am really looking foward to seeing Chris - I am sure that there will be a major change in him. I called his dad this morning to find out if he is planning on going out (I hope not - talk about awkard) but havent heard anything yet. I can take him in small doses, but a whole weekend of trying to share Chris....I dont know that Paul would be up to that either. I shudder to think of it.

I had wanted to float around in the pool, but that didnt happen. Scout night and trash night etc. I did manage to get a few things done, but gosh it is hot. Or is it just me? hehe

Need to get to bed. I am beat. Paul is working late and I just cant afford to stay up and wait for him. This is going to be a long week with football camp! But no one ever said being a woman, mom, worker would ever be easy. Hopefully I wont bite off any more heads tomorrow! Oh and by the way, someone somewhere must be PMSing.....because it cant be me! LOL

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

P.S. Thanks for the words of wisdom concerning my dad, I know how hard his physical and now mental limitations are. It is hard for me, so it must be really hard for him. But I must beleive that there is a reason for the pain, that there is some greater good that will be seen at some point in time. As my dear grandmother and mom have often said "ours is not to question why", but at times it easeir said than done. Love you all!

and I feel like crapola. I had a headache all day yesterday which slowly started tuning into a migrane. I havent had one of them in a while. I didnt sleep worth a bean of hills last night and my head still hurts. I just 2 of my migrane pills, so we shall see. I took 2 at bedtime and that usually does the trick but didnt this time.

I must say that I really really like Jake's new doctor. I dropped off the sample yesterday morning and he called said things are fine. No protein in his urine after sleeping all night, that he just might be on of those people who "spills" protein into their urine. BUT he did tell me symptoms to watch for (unexplained swelling around the eyes and the feet & ankles) and said that when ever he comes in for a check up or visit, to make sure we do an office test. The doctor has personally called me both times! Friday evening when I was telling Jake what he needed to do, Paul started asking questions. So rather than tell him what I thought I understood it to be, I told him to google it-he was shocked! Sometimes the internet can be such a curse! LOL

We had a really lazy day yesterday. I felt awful all day. But we went and saw the New Caribean Priate movie - I love Johnny Depp. We then went for an early dinner at a nice steak house and took Jake shopping for his cup, cleats and some mesh shorts for football camp this week. The summer sure is flying by! He leaves for scout camp in three weeks and then Aug 14th football practice starts. Last night he finally cleaned that pig sty of a room so the 7 loads of laundry has probably doubled! Oh how I hate to see my next water bill! LOL.

My mom is going to fly out to Ft. Knox with us to see Chris. I think my dad is jealous - he cant just get up and go. For him to go, he would need to fly out on Thursday, spend all day Friday resting, probably not be able to spend a lot of time on base Saturday, especially if it is hot, rest all day Sunday just to be able to handle the flight home. It really brings him down not to be able to get and go, but my mom really needs the break. It is really tough being a nurse 24/7. I swear that she will be awarded Sainthood when the time comes. It took a lot of him just to come to our house for the 4th. I am afraid that are no more "good" spells - I mean really good ones. He keeps falling out his wheel chair - he wont use the seat belt. Falling alseep in mid sentance is more of the norm than the exception. It hurts. I am not even sure that with SIL be pregnant again is enough to keep him motivated. These are things I dont like to think about it. But there have been so many times when we thought & were told he wouldnt make it, but he always does. But there comes a time when enough is enough. I say that with love and compassion. He has no quality of life. A trip to the store or to visit friends just drains him and he is down for days. He has more bladder and bowel accidents than ever. His dulliadid barely lasts the month. Mom has to ration his valium as well. And I feel guilty for not doing more. Not that anyone expects me too. Especailly now. My parents understand how tired I am. Mom especially. But I still have this GUILT. None of the kids knew him when he was healthy and that hurts too. But is there really more that I can do? About the only thing is visit more and I should go today, but with so little sleep and the headache, it makes hard to make the drive. Is it selfish to take care of me first? I think so. But I cant help it at this point. Seeing my father makes my heart break. How I wish for the simpler times.

Today I will make time for the pool. Just float around and doze. I think that will be good for my mental being. I hate being sleep deprived, it makes my mind goes in all kinds of directions, like I cant control the thoughts. And last night I was having warm spells, where my upper lip was actually sweating and Paul looks at me like I am nuts. Maybe I am.

Time to do some wash, I have no clothes for work and I think everyone needs some clothes and underwear for sure. Wish me luck in getting something accomplished if nothing else.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

Last night I had about an hour and half to myself in the house. No one was home and it was heaven!! Lauri had taken the kids to Wal*Mart and Paul wasnt home either. It was so nice.

The bluegils in the pond are doing amazingly well and they HAVE NOT eaten the goldfish! And they are pretty decent size. They are even eating the goldfish flakes. They come up to the top and eat and dont dive right back down anymore. It will be interesting to see how this little experiment goes.

My angelfish are growing by the day it seems. I really want to go and get the butler shark for the big tank. I still might. But I guess before I do that I need to do the maintenance first. I must admit that since being back at work the tanks are getting the attention that they were. Oh well....

The pool....Paul called the guy. We may not a fence after all, but we do need to install a GFI receptacle. Thats no big deal. I actually wanted to add another one outside. If Paul doesnt have time to do it, I know someone who can. But we do have to get the permit. Whatever. The kids are using the pool like crazy. So far it has been a good investment. The water is still a little too chilly for my personal taste and it had cooled way down yesterday with almost no humidity. But itsnt suppose to last for long. I will definatly get in it this weekend as it suppose to get hot and muggy again.

We got another letter from Chris. Basic isnt as great as it was the last time he wrote! LOL. Even though it was over 20 years ago, I remember those days like it was yesterday. After this letter, Paul has decided that we will go for family day-of course I was going regardless. But both Tessa & Jake want to go and I think my mom does too. Then there will be another trip there when he graduates. Of all my {step}sons, he is the one that I am closest too. I am so proud of him. I remember how lonely basic training is. So today I mailed 3 seperate letters, one from Paul, one from Jake and of course one from me. I need to make sure that I get a letter or card off to him at least a couple of times a week. Mail call sux when you arent getting any mail.

Work is till the same old crap. SOMEONE "forgot" to send payroll to our office! How do you forget to send a fedex with peoples paychecks??? HOW??? Most of us do have direct deposit, but it still the point of the matter. The blame game will be played that is for sure. Speaking of which, apparently the witch in charge of that stuff forgot to tell the payroll company to start deducting my insurance premiums! She wanted to have them to deduct extra to make up for it, but I sent her an email saying no, just let me know and I will take care of it. What kind of nonsense is this? We are not that big of a company. Geez.... It is also apparent that she doesnt have the expierence it was thought that she had. She has run off people all ready and has only been with the company since April. She is the kind of person that likes to delegate and place blame. Thank God, I have very little to do with her. I also am thankful that despite the brain fog, I have not been making mistakes. But of course if and when I do, I dont hide them, I come clean immeadiatly and correct them.

I have so much work to do at home. I have at least 7 loads of laundry to do! EEK!!!! I am just finding it very difficult to get into a rountine. I am having trouble getting up in the mornings. I am still waking up between 3 and 3:30 every morning - although this morning I was not sweating. And I was able to go back to sleep. I would go for a sleep test (I know I snore horribly) but I would have to travel some distance due to the new insurance. I think it is time to get rid of it. Paul and I really need to have a heart to heart about it. This is getting crazy.

Jake's doctor called last night. Tomorrow morning he needs to pee in a bottle as soon as he wakes up - he will have to get up and immeadiatly go in the bottle from where ever he is. That should be fun. If there is still protein in the urine after sleeping, he will need further testing. From the little research I have done, this is not a good thing. I stopped, because then I would really start to worry. But I am worrrying. I need to take him for cleats, a cup, and a mouthpiece. Football camp starts Monday. He also needs to do inventory and see what he is going to need for scout camp - that is at the end of the month. It is amazing how busy his schedule is!

Best get to work. It is either going to be a very hectic day with trying to get loan closings done, or a very slow day.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

Since I have been here. My days are all starting to run together - I am not sleeping all that well. Having one good night sweat a night and that is really messing me up. But I have realized that I have not been using the progestrine cream. Hmmm....connection perhaps?

We had a good holiday weekend. The cookout was low key so that was nice. Paul did an awesome job with the cooking (as usual) and when I got up on Tuesday morning, I discovered that tess & jake had busted their little behinds in cleaning the house & getting stuff set up in the back yard. It is nice to be able to sit in the backyard and watch the fireworks. The borough does a nice job.

We bought one of those quick set pools that is 4 feet deep. Turns out we need a permit and possibly a fence. I turned it over to mr. contractor himself, {Paul} to handle. I havent heard anything else from him since he asked where the check was I left him. So who knows. Guess I will find out tonight.

My "other sons" (lauri's) will be staying with us til their apartment is ready. Dave is starting to harass her again. I got her to start writing things down, because I do believe she is going to have to file for some sort of restraint.

I love having a house full of people, but I could sure use a few days of quiet. But I will get my day. My thoughts are very random at the moment. I had a weird dream last night or this morning - not sure which. All I know is that my ex-husband was in it, we arguing over lunch meat and $20.00. Makes no sense what so ever to me.

I will be out of the office all afternoon doing loan closings. I think that will be a good thing. Some time alone. Too bad I dont have a voice recorder.

I am feeling very irritated - guess it is from the sleep being interupted and having warm flashes again. Both Paul & Lauri were complaining about how cold the house was last night. I have come the realization, that I will not jive with anyone elses hot/cold levels. Oh well. Thank God for layers!!

Gonna go before I ramble on too long and things dont make sense (although they may not make any sense now!)

love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

Just wanted to say thank you to ladies for reminding me what a great family I do have! I am fortunate that both Jake and Tessa come to me with their questions. And even tho at times, their questions have shocked me (more because of their age than anything else) I am glad that I have never blown them off with some type of bs answer. I really hope that they will be able to do that with their own kids one day.

Paul and I had had some nice quiet time last night - for a change it was only the two of us. He really is burning both ends of the candle, so it really makes it nice when we can just hang out together.

I really think the extra mg of estrace really is helping me with the sleep!

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

I am so glad that it is Friday. That 4 hour car trip last night wore me out! Luckily Lauri was at the house and took care of dinner and the kids, and dinner for tonight as well. I love friends like that. The kids will probably spend quite a bit of time over until she can move into the apartment. And last night she asked if she could stay the week before she moves to give her parents a break. I told her she didnt have to ask!The boys did a good job with the chores that they were given yesterday - except instead of pulling the weeds in what is suppose to be flower beds, they weed wacked them. Oh well. It wasnt much of a big deal to me. The few flowers that were there, they didnt chop off. So all is well.

Took Jake for his physical today. New doctor. Very interesting to say the least. Apparently he is growing much faster than other almost 13 yr old boys, especially where the manhood is concerned. So the dr. figures he will reach full height by about 16 or so, rather than 17 or 18. Hmmm.... Anyway, it did open up discussion between Jake and I on the way back to the house. He wanted to know if he could shave down there because the hair is so thick, takes forever to dry, etc. I was stunned! So I told him that he probably doesnt want to do that because when it grows back it will itch like crazy and bother him even more. So I told him the alternative was to trim it down some. He even made the comment that he must be taking after his dad! Okie dokie.....Which seems to be the case, but I particulary dont wish to go down that particular memory lane!! But however, I am very glad that he is comfortable enough with me, to ask me anything. So he is good to go for scouts. Oh, the one thing that is a slight concern is that he has protein in his urine. The dr. is sending it out to the lab for further testing. This may need some follow up care.

SInce Lauri & the boys got a lot accomplished yesterday, I am starting to look forward to the cook out. I will probably only work half a day Monday and possible Wednesday as well. I guess it will depend on whether or not I have a lot of loan closings to hurry up and get done.

Paul is at my moms right now, replacing her sump pump. She called last night looking for him. He went over, thought he found one, went to Reisterstown and I guess it wasnt the right one or something. So he found one today, in Westminster so he is on his way to replace that for her. He is a good son in law--lol! But her basement wasnt too bad from what I understnad.

I have to go and buy something for Jake to feed the new bluegills he got today. He is putting them in the spare aquarium. We shall see how that goes.

Love to all,
Dawn
xoxo

It is almost hard to believe that my surgery was 10 weeks ago. I guess that is a good thing. The sun is actually shining today too. I am sure the grass is still wet though, but maybe, just maybe it can be cut this evening when I get home. That would be so nice. Jake can cut the grass while I do the ellipitical and then he can help me finish pulling weeds. It sure sounds like a plan to me.

I am hoping that I can get him seen for his physical even though the military id card is missing. This will be his 3rd one since he turned 11 I think. His father insisted he was old enough to hold onto it. Well the child has a tendancy to loose his wallet often. I think when it get replaced this time, I will go back to holding on to it.

I had a lovely conversation with Denise about the child support. I cant help but feel sorry for her sometimes - but maybe it has more to do with Tessa than her. I sent her this weeks c/s early via paypal, because she hasnt gotten the check I sent last week. I have screwed up my check book and now I am not even sure if I sent it. But I am almost positive I did. But then the week befores check hasnt cleared yet either. I hate the brain fog part of menopause I really do. I think a lot of it comes from sleep depravation. But last night wasnt too bad. I only woke up once. I am warm today, but it isnt as bad as it was last week. I think the second dose of the 1mg of estrace is helping, but it is hard to say because it has only been for two days.

Saw my regular doctor today. Joy. Naa, it wasnt too bad. Even though my cholestrol has come down, she doesnt want me to stop the lipitor due to all the risk factors. However, she did indicate that depending on my readings in September or October she may cut back the dosage. I also havent taken any Nexium this week and feel pretty good so far. We didnt even talk about the lexapro. That one we still playing by ear.

Work was better (or should I say is) today. Ray in that man sort of way somewhat apologized for his attitude yesterday. We shall see. I have a loan closing tomorrow that is almost 60 miles one way - ugh. And at 6 PM. Double ugh. The one I am really dreading is the one that is almost 75 miles away and I will have to go thru a ton of small towns. I wish I had known now what I knew when I said I would these closings. Oh well, hind sight is 20/20.

Oh this is cute. Ok, so Jake and his wallet....the last time he remembers having it was at the lake for scouts which was either the end of April or the beginning of May. So we went down to the lake last night and due to the rain, the rental shop was closed. So he rode his bike down there this morning. Well, it wasnt due to open til 1 PM. So this man gives him a worm and hook (he had found a piece os string) so now I have a small blue gil in my pond. I wonder how he & the 9 goldfish will do together??? My nephew will love that when he comes over for the 4th.

Oh well, best get back to work, I do have a few things to do before I leave for the day. I just hope the sun stays out for the rest of the day.

Love to all,
~Dawn~
xoxo