I have been absent a while, time sure flies. I have just returned from vacation a little over a week ago. My dh and I went to visit a fellow hystersister who has turned out to be the best friend a person could ask for. We have gotten to know each other online for the past 3 years and to finally meet her face to face was the best gift ever. She was as nice in person as she is online. I find that a lot of people have a hard time understanding our friendship since we didnt ever meet in person til now. We have been talking to each with our webcams and the telephone beside instant messenger. While visiting her and her dh we went to Yellowstone National Park. It is such a beautiful place, I think everyone should visit there if ever given the opportunity. I think we get so bogged down in our day to day lives that we forget to look at the beauty that God has laid before us. The best part of the time with my friend was the early morning hours of being able to sit and talk over a nice cup of coffee. It truly amazes me the friendship that God gave me with her. I have had times when I regretted having my hyst, but if I hadn't of, I would never have gotten to know this beautiful person and her family. It goes to show that God can turn all things in to something wonderful.
I came back to work with a desk piled high and it seems to be taking forever to get caught up, but it was worth it. The new girl in my office is coming along great, she handled things the best that she could while I was gone. That was a big relief. I know now that when I need to be gone in the future that things will be taken care of. I feel very blessed to have been able to meet my friend and to hug her in real life. It was very hard to leave and say goodbye but our friendship has been made stronger. I look forward to the next time we get together.

Thanks for all the comments, it is a relief to have our son back in the States. He has talked about trying to go back over to Iraq. William gets so frustrated with the media, he says they have done so much over there and that alot of progress has made, but we don't get to hear about all the good things. He says the Iraq today is totally different then when he went the first time. I know that I sometimes take for granted the freedoms that we have in this great country, and I have to remind myself that it came at a cost to our founding fathers.
The new girl is catching on pretty well at work, it takes a while to learn the program and to get to know the members. I have a tendency to forget that I have had 11 years to get to where I am. Patience is not one of my best virtues, but I am learning.
I have started a new estrogen patch, the Vivelle Dot, I am sure hoping that this is the one. I have tried so many different types of estrogens the last several years, that something has got to give. I am thankful that my dr is willing to help me find the one that is right for me. I have been using it for a month now, it is working quite well at this time, I hope it continues. I have been thinking if it doesn't I may just give up and suffer the consequences. I want to feel good and get back to where I am not worrying about hormones. Anyways, I dont mean to ramble on but that is how my brain seems to work these days. I wonder what is normal anyways.

WOW, I cant believe its been so long since I wrote on here. Life has been crazy, so much going on. Work has been busy, lots going on there with my ex-employee. I am now training a new one, a mature one. It's like a breath of fresh air to be working with a mature woman instead of a 21 year old self centered one. Things seem to be turning as for as the job goes, I am getting more settled with all of the responsibility. It can be so overwhelming at times. I just need to learn to pace myself and try not to do it all at once. My dd and grandson are still living with us, it has been fun. We have gotten to watch him grow in to a toddler and now getting ready for the soon to be terrible twos. My son came back from Iraq in February and is now stationed at Fort Knox Kentucky, he seems to be glad to be back in the states and getting settled. Just so much has gone on, I cant believe that time has flown by like it has.

A lot has happened since I last posted. My dd called last saturday and wanted me to come get her and my 10 month of grandson. She has decided to leave her husband after almost 6 years of marriage. She is not happy and has not been for a long time. My dh and I could see it but didnt say anything cause we didnt know what was going on. She wants to go to nursing school and work part time. She will live with us until she can get her feet on the ground. It has been nice having her here, she is such a big help. I hope that things work out the best for her. We are not saying much cause we feel that she will come to us when she is ready to talk. This is a big adjustment for all of us, I hope that we can all be patient and understanding with each other.

Well its been a while since I have wrote in my journal. Work has been busy and heptic. Still trying to get a lot of changes done. I have been having trouble with my old boss, it seems that he things he should have preferencial treatment. We had a little problem with one of his family members and he just doesnt like the actions that were taken. The thing is he should have taken care of this a year ago and he didnt. He told me on the phone yesterday that I could have done more than what i did. I think he wanted me to override the boards decision and do what he was wanting. The new girl is working out great, and we have the auditor coming on Tuesday. I am just eager to get some of this extra stuff out of the way so that I can get in to some of the other things i am wanting to bring to the office. I hope all is well with everyone. 's, Carol

Well, I went to the hand dr on Tuesday, I got a cortisone shot in my thumb , never again. That was the most painful thing I have had done in a super long time. My thumb is feeling better and he told me take it easy and not put any pressure on it. Today moving from my old office to the new I have aggravated it. It is starting to pop and ache again. I am hoping that if I rest it over the weekend, that will all go away. Things are starting to settle down at work, I love my new girl, she is awesome. She is smiling all the time, busy and always asking what she can do to help me. I am going to start giving her more responsibilties this next week. She is just catching on so fast. She has started decorating her office, which I am glad, means she is starting to feel at home. My son left on Monday to go back to Baghdad, now we are back to waiting on him to check in so that we know he is ok. My grandson Cameron went home last week, this house is so quiet. It is just me and dh, who seems to find more interest in the tv than he does me. What is it with these men? I just don't get the fascination with the tv. Oh well, I guess it could be worse, at least he is at home. I plan on cleaning this weekend and trying to get my house in order, as I have done little this week. I need to clean up after my son and grandson. Thats ok, I find housework to be therapeutic, I need to take a notepad around with me, as I can come up with lots of ideas and things to do, I usually forget before I can implement them. I wish everyone a happy weekend.

The new girl is working out great, I couldn't be more pleased with her work performance today. She is catching on really quick, she is very friendly and always smiling. I hope to be able to get alot done tomorrow before the weekend hits. I still haven't found time to move into my new office, so maybe I will have some time to do that. My dd is wanting to decorate it for me so bad. I may give in and let her. I have been having trouble with my thumb on my right thumb, I go to the dr on tuesday. His nurse says it sounds like trigger thumb, I just hope that it will be a easy fix. I can't afford to be without my hand at this time. I need to start working on some policies and procedures and now is not a good time to be handless. I am trying to take things slow and not jump into too much too fast. It seems like there is so much to do and such little time to get it done in. This new promotion is going to be a challenge but I am ready and excited.

I did it! The girl seemed to be surprised that we let her go, but for the most part she took it well. I gave her the opportunity to leave or work the rest of the day and she chose to stay and help me with the end of the month stuff. I feel that she left on good terms. She wants me to bowl on a trio league this winter so I guess all isn't lost. Deep in my heart I know this was the best decision for me and her. Now I just hope she gets one of those teaching jobs she is interviewing for tomorrow. If not she said she was moving in with me , but I think it will work out for her. I feel so stressed out with all the added responsibilities and now training another new girl. If this new girl works out like I feel she will it will be worth it in the long run. I hope all is well with everyone. 's,

I officially become the manager at my job tomorrow. I have to start the job doing something that we all dread. I have to let the girl go that I hired about 6 weeks ago. She isnt working out. The board have seen things while I was at school that I am not aware of, as they are adament that she isnt the right one for the job. It has been a rough 6 weeks, I have held back on teaching her alot of things. She told me about 2 weeks after she was hired that basically she was trying us out, she may go back to teaching. She just wanted to see if that is what she wanted for sure. Yesterday she told me she was going for a job interview as a classroom teacher. The board says let her go, hire someone who wants to work and learn. I do have another girl, who is a member of our credit union. She is excited about the job and will come in on Thursday. I hope this all works out, I have some new responsibilities and I need someone who can take on some of what I do. I am hopeful about this new one, but dread letting the other one go, but that is how things are.
My grandson went home today and I sure do miss him. My son goes back to Iraq on Monday, this gives him some time with his friends. We had a big BBQ on saturday with family, it was a wonderful time.

I finally finished my management school, I got my diploma last night. It is such a relief. My oral presentation went real well, I didn't get nervous until the end, is that not crazy. It is bittersweet, I won't see my classmates all together again unless by chance we have a reunion. It is a very exciting time for my family, my ds is home for 18 days from Baghdad, it is wonderful to have him here. My grandson has just been so excited, it is so good to see them together. Well I will post pictures and more later, just wanted to update everyone. Hugs,

Wow, I can' t believe it has been a while since I posted. I am getting ready to go to Fort Worth for my last year of school. I have my presentation to do on Monday, once that is done it will be smooth sailing the rest of the session. I will graduate on the 18th, I am so excited. My dh told me last night that he can't wait for me to be finished and he has his wife back. It has been a sacrifice for all of us. It is about to payoff, when I take over my new position at work. I look forward to seeing all of my classmates that have made this journey with me. I have been having trouble with my thumb on my right hand, went to the dr last week and she said it was tendonitis. She gave me some anti-flammatory pills to take. They have been helping some, the only drawback is that they make me sleepy. The dr said if it doesnt get better she will send me to a pain specialist for cortizone shots. I have heard they are painful, so I am hoping this medication works. I hope everyone has a good weekend. I will let post after I do my presentation to let all know how it went. I am not nervous at this time I hope I can stay this way. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Lots of

Time is running short, I am down to the wire again. I havent got anything done on my presentation. I feel so much pressure, it makes me angry. I have done this to myself. I just cant seem to get my act together. I have no choice but to get it done this weekend, Cameron will be at my daughters. Once I get started I know it will come together, it is just getting started.

Today is Fathers day, I need to call my dad sometime. Cameron is all excited, I took him to Walmart yesterday and he picked out a card for his dad, he thinks I can mail it today and is his dad will have it. I think I may talk him in to keeping it here and then when his dad is here in July for his R&R he can give it to him. He also bought some UNO cards and I have been playing UNO with him. The child is winning but he is also cheating. He went thru the cards and loaded his hand up with all the draw 2's and 4's, so guess who has a handfull of cards and who doesnt. He thinks that is just the funniest thing there is. He also likes to change the rules in the middle of the game. I thought 6 years old was a little to young to be figureing out how to cheat your Poppie at cards. I done some work yesterday on my PowerPoint presentation, it isn't as easy as everyone says. I must be dumb or something . I was wanting to have this thing done by Tuesday, there is the regular board meeting, I was wanting to practice on the them. Who knows maybe I will still get it done. I hope everyone has a great day.

I am getting excited about the job promotion, we had a board meeting Thursday. I addressed the board on the applicants and we worked on looking for the right person. It is excited to have some say so in this process. They have told me the final say is mine since I will have to work with this person and train them. It is kind of scarey cause I worry about choosing the wrong one. I will start interviewing them tomorrow, there are 3 of them. I will interview them, then call their references and previous employers. I have will need to check with our insurance company to make sure that they are bondable as they will be dealing with money. It makes me feel good to see that the board has confidence in me, they are excited. The like the idea that I have a vision for where I would like to see us go. I feel that we need to get back to our roots, which is to help our members. Instead of looking at what caused the problems and who did it, we need to look at how we can fix them. I am trying to be open minded in all that I do, not looking at it from just my point of view. My grandson spent the night with my dh's family, I sure missed the little guy. He was excited, he is going to church today. When he was with us we raised him in church and he misses that. The little guy is only 6 but he already has a heart for God. He wants to know why his mom doesnt take him to church. He told me yesterday, he needed to stay with his aunt and uncle, so he could be at church early. God didn't want him to be late. We were like OK, but were not usually late. The things that they say. I think it is so sad, his mom doesnt seem to realize what a precious child she has here. She wants to dress him and treat him like a man. It is very upsetting. He just wants to be a kid. Alot of times she uses him to validate herself and feelings, she comes first, not him. I don't understand that way of thinking. OH well, I guess it is a good thing that I dont. I hope everyone has a great Sunday. lots of

I am out of practice. I forgot how time consuming it is having alittle one around. Cameron is 6, he will be 7 in October. He is always wanting to know something, I try to answer him the best that I can. I dread the day when he realizes his Poppie doesn't know it all. I am so tired, that was a fast and tiring trip, driving 8 hours on Saturday and driving back on Sunday. I had to take him to work with me the last 3 days, tomorrow he will go to the local daycare. He is excited, he used to go there. They take them on little excursions, such as the Sonic on Thursdays for ice cream, swimming on Friday. It has been really busy at work, I have had about 30 applicants for the job opening. I am now in the process of weeding them out. Some I can tell won't work out and there are quite a few who seem promising. I am so excited, it will be great having another female to talk with. I would love to have her in place by next week, that will give me 3-4 weeks to get her trained with the software before I have to go to school. The guy I work with will still be there and he will be able to handle the harder things, she mainly needs to wait on the members, answer the phone and such. I also need to plan a retirement party for him, I think we will just have a come and go reception. We will have cake and punch and the members can come wish him well. I think we will also give him a gift certificate. We need to do what is right, regardless of our personal feelings. We don't need him bad mouthing us around town. Anyway the ball is rolling . My dh is going to take Cameron Saturday and spend the day with him so I can get some work done on my oral presentation. I would love to have it done by the next board meeting so that I can practice on them. They will be my future audience. I hope everyone is having a great summer so far. Lots of

I started the estrogen patch on Thursday night and I am not sure about it. I have been having headaches and upset stomach. I guess it just takes time to get use to the estrogen since I haven't taken any for several months. I am really considering not taking any at all. I feel horrible. Is there ever a happy medium in the hormone department. I am excited, I leave in the morning to get my grandson, I am so excited, can't wait to see him. Did I say I was excited to see him. We haven't seen him since October this is the longest we have ever gone without seeing him. He use to live with us up until last year.

This has been a roller coaster week. We had a board meeting on Tuesday, I was officially offered the Manager's job, . The board then asked me what I kind of money I was wanting so I threw out the first number that popped in my head. Which was a $8000.00 a year raise. I think they were surprised that I had asked for so much, but they gave it too me. They felt it was a fair amount. My dh felt like I should have asked for more, but this is a starting point. I went to the dr today for my annual check up, it went really well. I love my dr and his staff, they make a unpleasant sitation PLEASANT. MY dr gave me some samples of Lunesta to help me sleep, I am going to try them out see how they work and if I like them he will give me a prescription. WE discussed hormones and decided that I would try the Climara patch, you change it weekly. The dr said that people absorbed estrogens differently so this may be what i need to do. I am going to give it a try. I feel like I had a great visit. So much going on, I am going Saturday to pick up my little 6 year old grandson, I cant wait, I am so excited and look so forward to seeing him. Haven't see him since October. Off to bed, I hope everyone gets a good nights sleep, Hugs,

I go for my annual checkup on Wednesday, I am going to start making a list for all the questions I have. I had my ovaries removed 18 months ago and been off and on estrogen. Right now I am not taking any, my md put me on Lexapro for menopausal symptons and it has helped some. I still have hotflashes at night but for the most part I feel good as for as that goes. The thing is that I am having some other issues that the estrogen would take care of such as sexual problems. I have no libido and no physical feelings, I need to do something about that. I haven't done any research on it, I keep putting it off. Does anyone have any suggestions? There are some more things but this is the biggest problem.

Oh I am so glad to have a three day weekend, I have plans to get alot of things done. Clean my house, work on my presentation, get some flowers planted and start a exercise plan. I want to get in better shape. I would love to lose some weight and be able to get a pretty dress for graduation in July. I am getting excited, the end is near. Alot of exciting changes are headed this way. The board will meet Tuesday and then we can get started on looking for some new help. I look forward to having some new help, hopefully a nice lady that I can relate too. I am glad I will have some say so in the hiring process. I am ready for change. I hope everyone has a great holiday weekend.

I'm home and trying to catch up, that is the bad thing about going anywhere. I met several of my classmates in Houston, we had a great time. I have so much work to get done, I need to work on my presentation. I am really nervous about that. I need to find someone that can help me put it together and on powerpoint. I have never used powerpoint but I understand it is suppose to be easy to use. My grandson called tonight, he was all excited cause he gets to go to the first grade. He wanted to call and tell his dad, but we have no phone number for him to call his dad in Iraq. Hopefully his dad will be able to call and he can tell him then. I did give him the number to his papa at work and he was excited to call and tell him all about it. It won't be long before we get to go get him and spend some time with him. I look so forward to that.

I am getting ready to go to Houston for 4 days to a lending conference. I am excited about it, hoping to get some good ideas on building up our loan portfolio at work. I will get to see some of my classmates there, so that is always nice. I went and got a pedicure today that my dh gave me for my birthday. I got a french manicure and it looks so cute if I may say so myself. I am really looking forward to this break. I am doing laundry and cleaning trying to get things in order for my dh while I am gone. I have to be at the airport at 8:30 in the morning, I don't know what I was thinking when I booked a flight that early. I hope everyone has a great day. Lots of

Well not much went on today. Got my desk cleaned off and some little things out of the way. I go to Houston on Sunday for a lending conference and I am looking forward to getting away from the office for several days. My boss put his resignation on paper today, it is official. I think he is regretting his decision, but they were going to give him notice anyways. He did the best thing, I would rather go out on my own and not be asked to step down. He still acts like he has no clue as to what is going on. I dont think he realizes that I am taking over, I havent told him as I feel that the board should tell him. I feel sorry for him but he has done this to hisself, they got tired of him not doing what he was suppose to. I want to be honest with him but I can't cause I dont want to hurt his feelings. I will be glad when this is all out in the open and we can get business taken care of.

Today was my 47th birthday, it has been a really great day. I got my final project in the mail, I got $1900.00 a scholarship to help with my tuition this summer, I have gotten some really great gifts and some beautiful flowers from my dh, but the icing on the cake was a phone call from my 6 year old grandson. Also things have been really strained with my mother and I broke the ice and called her on mothers day and she called me a little bit ago to wish me a happy birthday, she hasnt done that in 5 or more years. What a day, it has been awesome. I hope everyone has had a great day too.

The news is sinking in, it is strange that when you want something you think you can do it, no problem. Now that I know I have the job I start second guessing myself. I ask myself am as smart as think I am? Can I really do this? In a way it is scary but I guess it is better to be cautious then to think you know it all. I can only come here and voice these thoughts, I feel that you ladies understand. I know I can do the job, it is just overwhelming when I look at what I have on my plate the next couple of months. I have a lending conference to go to in a couple of days, I have to get my final project in the mail in a couple of weeks, I have a oral presentation to get together by the first of July, I graduate from school on July 18 and then start the new position on August 1. Plus we are suppose to have our 6 year old grandson during the summer, my son will be home from Iraq for two weeks during this time. I just need to take it one day at a time and not think of the whole picture. I have to do some research on starting salaries for a new employee and then what ever else is thrown at me. Oh my, I am feeling overwhelmed. Thanks for listening to me vent. Many to all,

The guy I work with put in his notice, he is retiring the end of July. I am getting his job, I have to do some research for the Board on new hire pay. I know there is going to be alot of work ahead of me, but that is ok. I look forward to learning and challenging myself. I feel that all the hard work with my schooling is paying off. I need to go take this all in, what a relief.

Today is board meeting day, it will be interesting to see if the Board follows thru with their plans. I hope they do, I am afraid if they don't I may have to start making other plans. I can't continue to work here with this other person. Life is too short to not enjoy going to work. I love my job, the members and everything I do, except working with a person I have no respect for. He has been dishonest and some of the things he has brought in to the work place has no business here. After today I feel that I may have a better idea of how to proceed in my career. I am going to try not to worry and anticipate or expect too much and take it as it comes.

I got a nice suprise today! My ds who is serving in Iraq with the US Army sent me a dozen roses for Mother's Day! It makes me sad that he isn't here. We miss him so much. He has been there since November, he gets 2 weeks of R&R in July. Please for our military and for those mothers who have lost a child in this terrible war. I will lift up a special for all women, Mother's Day is a hard day for alot of women, for so many reasons. I always dreaded Mothers Day as I don't have a close relationship with my mother. It is something I am having to work on, I have a problem of expecting too much from people. I am having to learn to take people as they are and not how I want them to be. I wish all of you a Beautiful and Blessed Day! 's,

It is hard to believe that it is May already, this year seems to be flying by fast. I have not been feeling that well, I went to the dr last week and I had a urinalysis done. She said I had no infection but I had blood in my urine, she put me on Cipro. I go back to the dr next week to see if it has cleared up. The dr also put me back on Lexapro to help with the menopausal symptons. I must admit that I am feeling some what better. The dr said the Lexapro was a safer drug than the estrogen, I am really confused. I think I need to start educating myself so that I can figure out what will be best for me. I just feel so overwhelmed, I am not really sure what to do at this point. I have been making alot of headway with my project, I have to have it turned in by the 25th. I want to have ready to go so that I can go to Kinko's on Monday and get it bound and in the mail next week. Then I can start on the oral presentation and working with Powerpoint. I have never used powerpoint but I hear it is easy. It will be such a relief when this is all over. I will be ready to celebrate. I hope everyone is having a great day. I am really looking forward to the weekend. We have some friends who have invited us to the lake tomorrow, I hope it works out that we can go. I need a break. I hope we have sunshine and no more rain for a while.

I have gotten my approval on my financial part of the project . Now I have to assemble the "whole" project submit if for final approval. Then put together a 45 minute oral presentation that has to be done in front of an evaluator. That is the scariest part for me. haven't been feeling very well. I have no energy ,I just want to sleep. I haved to drag myself out of bed every morning, I miss the days of waking up ready to do what needed done. I went to a new dr yesterday, I really like her. I feel like she listened to me. There was blood in my urine but no infection showed up, she gave me a antibiotic and I go back in 2 weeks. She also suggested that I take the Lexapro again and try to stay off the estrogen if I could, but it was up to me. I am so confused that I agreed to start with the Lexapro again. I just want to feel good again. I need to lose some weight, I have gained 30 pounds in the last year, talk about depressing. I want to get in better shape, I do not want to go in to my 50's in poor health. I will be 47 on the 17th of this month, so I figure now is as good of time as any to get started. I have been walking some, I want to make it a priority. I think if I can get back to being physical that it will make a big difference. My ds called finally, we have been worried as we havent heard from him a about a month. He sent his dad a pipe and me a gold and cream colored silk shaw from Baghdad. It is very pretty. He also sent some pictures, the furniture in the little house they live in near the palace is beautiful. He has been out on some missions with the Sargeant Major, they have had some close calls. One of the vehicles in their convoy ran over a ied but it didnt do much damage as it was buried toooo deep(thankGod). They were very near the suicide truck bomb that went off the other day, he wasn't hurt, but the guy next to him was. He is doing ok. Please keep our military in your 's. I guess I will quit rambling and try to be productive.

Work was interesting once again, these once a month board meetings make me a nervous wreck. Things are getting interesting. I was called in to the meeting today at two seperate times. The first time they wanted to see what I had to say about a conference I was wanting to attend, I got the go ahead. This board realizes that if we want to move ahead and be competive we have to look for more ways to do it. The second time they called me after they had asked the President to leave, they had been telling me in the past to look for someone to work, they asked me to start getting some resumes. We will go over them together, I am so excited, it looks like that there will be some changes coming soon. They were very nice to me and I was very open and honest, told them that I felt that I was put in the middle some. They understood, we discussed what to say to the other guy if he wants to know what was said. I am going to tell him to talk to the board, that I am not at liberty to say. The thing is this guy is NOT helping his cause. As they were leaving they told him bye, and he totally ignored them, how childish is that? Oh well, I am learning that I have to take care of myself cause no one else will.

It is sad to see the tragedy that took place in our country yesterday, I just don't understand how some people have such little regard for human life. My prayers are with all those affected by this great tragedy.
Hugs,

I feel better today, I did express my thoughts and feelings. I am trying to be calm, it is hard waiting on the lady to get back with me on my financial project. I need to now start putting the whole project together, take it to Kinko's and have it bound. Next I have to put together a oral presentation using Power Point. I have never used Power Point, I guess it is time to learn. You are suppose to pretend you are making a presentation to the Board of Directors, selling an idea to them. We will do our presentations in July, graduate and be finished. I am excited, ready to be done. I will miss my classmates, not getting to see them, unless we run into each other at conferences or something. Waiting for all this is hard, I am not a very patient human.

I am feeling so stressed, waiting to hear about my financial project. I guess no news is good news. It seems that things are bothering me more than they use too. I feel so emotional not sure if it is hormones or what. I have quit taking the Wellbutrin, feeling pretty good on most days. I'm not sure what to do about something that is bothering me. I just blow it off and then it happens again, then I get my feelings hurt. I don't how honest I should be, my honesty could hurt someones feelings. What to do, I don't know. I am torn. Any advice or words of wisdom anyone wants to share would be appreciated.

I turned in my 5th Kra on Monday, now I sit and wait for the evaluator to get in contact with me. I am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Three more months and I will be through . My grandson called and was excited cause his team won. It is nice to see him being excited about something, I can't wait to see him. We are going to have so much fun this summer. It is going to be so exciting when he sees his dad this summer. My son called the other night and said that the rumor is that their time in Iraq is going to be extended 6-7 months longer, he was suppose to be home in November and now it may be longer. It is hard to imagine him being gone for that long. .

Well, it seems as I have done it again. I hate when I do this. I have such a hard time with words and expressing myself. When I do try to be honest with my thoughts and feelings I feel as I just make things worse. I am beginning to believe it is best to just not say anything and pretend it is all ok. I have totally said too much today, when will I learn?

Well the last week has been very interesting to say the least. I sit and wonder how I am going to work with this guy for another 4 months, I just don't know if I can. I keep telling myself I will not let him run me off. After the board meeting on Tuesday he came into my office and told me I must have the wool pulled over the boards eyes cause they wanted me to look at a software program he was wanting them to approve. He then said real quick well I dont mean it like that. I thought baloney that is exactly what he meant, he had probably been thinking it for him to have said it to me. I just don't get him, does he not get the picture. Is he that nieve, does he not see they are just trying to get things in order so that I will be prepared when he is gone. I had several bad days at work, I was so stressed out. This school stuff is getting to me, at least the end is in sight. I just get so worked up, I want to do good. I feel that this guy wants to see me fail, he can't help me. The ways he could such as helping with the members, he won't. The times I have really needed him to take some of that slack, is when he does the least. It is just best not to say anything and just do it myself. I have done more school work at home than at work, they couldnt afford to pay me if they had to pay me for the hours I have put in here. The only thing I know to do is to just keep taking it one day at a time. I guess I need to settle down and get busy with this paper I have to get done. I hope everyone has a great weekend. Hugs,

Today is one of those days that everything seems to bother me. We had a chapter meeting last night and one of the guys from another institution felt that it was his job to email all the other institutions to tell them how they and their employees should behave. That just infuriated me, who does he think he is. Why do some people think that it is ok for them to tell others how to behave. It just went all over me, when I saw that email. I know alot of people who would be upset over that email if they knew about it. It was a crowded meeting, about 90 people in a small space. We had dinner, they conducted the business meeting while the waitresses were going around taking orders. There was no PA system and then guy wants to tell everyone they need to be quite during the meeting and he was embarrassed by the behavior of the crowd. Considering the situation I dont think he should say anything. I have a feeling he has just opened a can of worms.

Well the nice weather isn't here to stay. I woke up to thunder, lightening and rain. I guess I shouldn't complain the rain can be soothing and we do need it here in west Texas. I was so glad to see that they found that newborn that was abducted from the hospital. It is sad that some people feel that they have to resort to doing something like that. That has to be a troubled soul. I am so happy and relieved for the mom to have her baby back. I guess I better get off and get to work on my school stuff or I will be in big trouble.

Well, I didn't get everything done that I had planned too. I bought groceries, picked up office supplies for work, done laundry and cooked supper. I feel like I have been busy but have accomplished so little. I haven't even touched my school stuff. I hope to be productive with it tomorrow. It seems like time flies when you really need it. Today was a beautiful day, just perfect, not hot or cold, no wind, the sun was shining. It was nice to see a glimpse of spring, I hope it is here to stay.

What a week, I am glad it is over. We had a good report from the examiner for the most part. He did keep harping on the delinquent cc's, I was glad that he did that. The guy I work with is not good at collections. He will not call anyone to even tell them their payment may be late. He lets them get so far behind that it makes might near impossible to catch up. It has gotten to where it is usually best that I keep my mouth shut, as he doesn't listen to me anyways. He does get snippy when I don't agree with him, but oh well. I got to see my little grandson today, he is such a joy, smiles all the time. Dh starts the graveyard shift tonight, it is so hard on him. I wish his company would hurry and go automative like they keep talking about. There are alot of times, I feel like a widow and it isn't his fault. The weather was beautiful today, it made you want to go home and pull weeds. Spring is right around the corner, I am so ready for some flowers and green grass.

My son called this morning, I finally got to talk to him. He sounded tired and depressed. He says he is ready to get out of there. He maybe taking a 4 day R&R to Quatar, he said there is a beach there. They can wear civilian clothes, I think he needs a break. He said they have been very busy doing missions. He is missing his son, was going to try and call him. It is hard for him, having to figure out the best time since Cameron is in kindergarten. He is still hoping his leave will work in July, he may have to adjust it a week early or a week later. I don't care as long as he can come home. Thanks for all the well wishes and 's. Please continue to for his safety and all of our soldiers all over the world.

Tomorrow will be the start of a busy week, the examiner will be here. I am ready to get this done and over with. It will be interesting, there are some things that I have noticed that has bothered me. I have brought these things to the attention of the board. I have been working on my financial project, there are some things that are troubling me. I want to do it on what I had originally planned on doing it on. I know that they go by certain reports and recommend that you follow those. I know our report doesn't have accurate information in it. I am thinking about calling the people in charge and seeing if I can do what I had planned on. The thing is some of the things they recommended we are doing anyways, there are some things to add to it, but I dont think I have a whole lot to add. I think this is why I am having such a hard time getting started on it. I will be glad when this week is over, it will give me some breathing room, to take care of some of this other stuff. My son called today, I didn't get to talk to him as I was at church. I am hoping that he will call tomorrow. It is nice to know he is ok, he says they have been out all over Iraq. They have been on the road for several weeks. I can breathe a sigh of relief for now. I thank the good Lord for keeping him safe.

Cameron, our 6 year old grandson called this morning. His mother had bought him a prepaid cell phone, at first I thougth how crazy is that, but now I am thinking this could be a good thing. He is calling me every day, he is so sweet. He says he wants to come back here, but his mom won't let him. He misses us, he is coming for the summer. He wants me to get everyone together so that he can see them, causes he misses them too. He loves us and wants summer to hurry and get here, so do I. When the phone rang this morning I was really hoping it was his dad, but it wasn't. I hope he calls soon. I am going to do some laundry and vacuum some, and then I am going to try to work on my financial project for school. I will be so glad to be thru, which it is hard to beleive that the end is getting close. I am starting to feel the stress, I don't know why I do this to myself all the time. I know these deadlines are coming, but I still procrastinate. It soesn't help having all the chaos at work and such to contend with. It is hard to find someone to get some advice from as I don't want to jeopardize the company either. I just have to continue putting it in God's hand and know that it will all work out for the best. Sounds like the wind is blowing I hope it lets up, it has been the pits. I wish everyone a day,

Work is still strange, the chairmen of the board came in yesterday. He wanted the book of parliamentary procedures, he has had some complaints. He told me he felt like he has stepped in to a hornets nest and I told him I feel like I have been working in a hornets nest. I have a idea of what we could do to try to fix this fiasco, but I won't volunteer unless I am asked. We will be busy next week, the examiner is coming. It doesn't really bother me that he is coming, It gives us a chance to see what we need to work on. I have the next part of my school project due in two weeks. I really need to get busy, I am just having a hard time focusing on all of that. I need to start working on getting in shape. I would like to lose 20-25 pounds by this summer. I want to be in better shape. I am so exhuasted most of the time. We haven't heard from our son in about a month, he is in Baghdad. I guess no news is good news. He has been good about calling and emailing, he did say he was going to be gone for 2 weeks on a mission. I hope he is able to check in soon.
Well I guess I am off to bed.

The man was back to day, it was hard being around him. I feel like I need to tell him what I have found, I know he will be mad and have some excuse for the things he has done. I was told to document everything that I can, so I have been making notes on my calendar that I carry with me. I understand that we have had a lot of complaints from members over the annual meeting, which is very understandable. I was embarrassed by it, it was not handled professionally. What does that say about us? Why would anyone have any faith in us, if we can't do any better than that. The board was upset, as long as this guy has been on the board and now working there, he should have known how to conduct a election. I did tell him today, that it is funny that when he is gone, everyone thinks they need to come to me and complain. He doesn't seem to care, as long as it isn't him.

I am at work alone, the man called in sick. What is wierd is that I had the thought that he would . I hope I am not able to start reading minds, cause that is one mind I don't want to read. Anyways, I am trying to stay positive and look for the good in all situations. I know that if you give things over to God that He will answer all prayer, it may not be the way I want Him to, but He always knows whats best. I have really strayed the last couple of years, not only from God but from myself too. Does that makes sense? I want to be the person that God wants me to be. I am very lucky that I have a Godly friend who keeps pointing me in that direction. Sometimes I don't want to listen to her, but deep down I am. I won't say everything is going to be easy cause I know that we go thru trials, but if we turn to God, HE always brings us thru. We are better people because of them, they make us stronger. One of these days, I will learn to turn to Him first, besides trying to FIX it myself. I can be hard headed .

Today I went to the ladies sunday school class of the church we have been visiting. I had a nice time, did have some moments of insecurities, felt like I was intruding. They are having a bunco party tomorrow night, I was invited. I won't go as I don't know any of them yet. I am hoping to fit in, I am needing some christian fellowship. I was thinking today on the way home from church how having the hyst really made things different. It will be 2 years in April since my surgery, before I had the hyst I knew who I was, where I was going and was pretty much ok. Afterwards, I felt numb and lost. I feel like I am just now really starting to find my way again. I lost joy in alot of things that I loved to do. I feel like I have been going thru the motions. I am hoping that maybe things are starting to look up. I feel better about work, I just have to be patient. Things will work out for the best.

I do hope to get some work done today on my financial part, I need to take a deep breath and concentrate on it and let go of all the other stuff that is going on. I hope everyone has a great Saturday.

I feel a little better today, one of the board members came in yesterday. We had a pretty good talk, I told him how I felt about things. I know they are hoping that this person would quit so that they dont have to fire him. If he quits he cant file for unemployment, but they have said if he does file, it will be protested, as there is a good case to show that he wasnt and hasnt been doing his job for a while. I also told the board member that if I am to take his persons place they need to let him know. I need to know what he is doing, example he signed a contract for a new product here, and if he leaves I need to know how this will apply to us. He is trying to keep me in the dark about things, he didnt even do his homework on this new product, he just went along with other people from another business like ours. He didnt do his research, I could have provided him with the info, but he didnt want me in on it, I would have rained on his parade. I was also told something which I had already suspected but this person slams me every chance he gets. The good thing is that they see right thru him, I was told they dont know what to believe anymore cause everything out of his mouth seems to be a lie. The thing is that has been going on from day one, but I have covered for him, and I have decided not to do that anymore. I refuse to go along with his lies. He is deceitful, there have also been some other things that have gone on here, that anywhere else he would have been fired on the spot. I feel bad for him, but he doesn't seemed to care for me. He doesnt like me knowing more than him. I have been here along time, and I refuse to let him run me off. At least now I know more of what is going on and what to do, from now on I will go directly to the board. They are behind me 100%, I need to get this schooling done and out of the way. Thanks for letting me vent, you girls are so great. Lots of 's,

I am trying to be a big person here, but I must admit I am not doing a very good job. I don't know why I can't let this go. I put my confidence in this board that they would follow thru with what they were telling me. Do I just keep my thoughts to myself or do I voice them. I feel like I have said enough and they have not followed thru what more is there to say? Finish this school project, do my presentation in July and then hope they follow thru. I guess if they dont then I can find a better job with benefits and more money, possibly closer to home too. He is off the next two days, which is good, hopefully I will be able to get my thoughts and emotions together before Monday. I could just kick myself for taking this all so serious, after all it is just a job. I have no benefits or retirement, the money is not all that great compared to others with my job title in this field. The only thing is I love the members, and that is why I am still here, I feel a loyalty to them. I need to get over this, but I don't know if I can this time.

I am upset with the way things have turned out, I did talk to several of the board members today. I was told that they got to thinking about when I have to be gone for 10 days this summer to finish my school that someone will need to be at work. They are unhappy with the quality of work he does, he is dishonest, the majority of the membership doesnt like him. I just felt that they have led me on, telling me they were going to do one thing and ended up doing nothing. It is so hard working in this situation.

Well I honestly don't know much more, except one of the board members told me to keep my chin up that they were working on things. The board member that went off the board the other night came in today, he was upset over the behavior of one of our members at the annual meeting. He jumped on the guy I work with, they both behaved in a way that I find totally shameful. Both wanted to be right, they were in my office, I couldn't escape. The guy I work with cursed and I was totally shocked as I have seen him get upset but not to that extreme. I felt so uncomfortable seeing all of that. I tried explaining that the rules were not made known before the bingo games started, if they had been read it would have saved alot of the fiasco that happened. I love my job, but I am very upset over the way the annual meeting was. I have had quite a few members come in my office and voice how upset they were too. I try to steer them in the other direction but for some reason everyone seems to want to confide in me. I need a break, it will be interesting to go to work tomorrow and see what the guy I work with has to say about all of this.

The meeting is happening as we speak, it makes me so nervous. The guy I work with came out after it started and was teed off because he had to leave. He is not suppose to conduct that meeting, one of the board members called the league and they told him what the procedure is. He didn't like it that the guy went over his head, but when you try to be more than you are this is what happens. I know the members are upset over the annual meeting, it was poorly conducted. The reports that should been made available weren't. I am so embarrassed to have been apart of that. I didn't know he wasn't doing what he was suppose to, which I was told not to worry about it, that it wasn't my job to make sure he was doing his. I can't stand all this chaos, it is hard trying to keep it together. I will post more when I have more info.

Today at work was strange, it was slow as the Federal Reserve was closed and we were open. Tomorrow is the board meeting, swearing in of the new board members. It will be interesting to see what will go on. I hate to get to excited as I have been let down before, believing they were going to do what they said. I know they will and I know it will take time, but I am not very patient. I started a new counselor as my other one moved. I have some things to work on to get rid of some of the ghosts in my life. It is strange that things dont bother us until we get older and reflect back and the insecurities that rise around us. I do look for the day when I can look back on these things and know that I have conquered them.

We had our annual meeting the other night, I was very apprehensive all week, I have gotten to where I dread it the last couple of years. I work with a guy who was totally disorganized this year. He copied his speech from some place off of the interenet, printed it, put it in the packs for others to read it. There was no info on what has gone on thru the year, it was all about the consumer in the big ole world. The people there wanted to know about our business, they didn't get the right reports, I hate when he does that, it makes me feel like he is trying to hide something. I sure dread going in to work tomorrow, he will want to set and complain about the way things were. He didn't order enough food, he took that job from the person who usually does it, he really messed up this year. I just don't understand his way of thinking. The board saw alot of this, so I think he is sinking his own ship. I am glad they are seeing this, and not me having to tell them. I know tomorrow will be awkward, I will have to watch what I say. Tuesday is a board meeting, bringing in the new board members, I am so excited. We will have a great board this year, and they are ready for some changes. I am so excited. We are ready for some changes, it will be alot of hard work, but I am up for the challenge.

I hope everyone is doing well. We have been having snow and ice, I am getting so ready for summer. I love winter but I hate having to drive to work worrying about ice on the roads. Also now is not a good time to be away from work. Things are getting strange. The guy I work with his days are numbered he just doesn't know it. I feel very honored that the board has made me aware of thier plans, it is hard to not saying anything to the guy I work with. I want to ask him so bad sometimes is he that clueless. He thinks that the job site can't operate without him, he has so much as told them that too. I got in late today due to icy roads and he already had everything screwed up. I can't believe that he can cause so much havoc. I feel like I am a fireman putting out his fires all the time. It is getting so old. I have been told by the board to keep my eyes open for someone to hire. I have several prospects. It will be so refreshing to have some nice help for a change. The board and I are so looking forward to some new changes. I am getting excited about the future, but we have to get the new board on first and the guy gone.

The weather has been cold and icy here, I have not got out at all this weekend. I am in the mood to go shop and redeem some gift cards I got for Christmas, but I dont like driving in this type of weather. It would be stupid of me to get out in this, the DPS is asking everyone to stay home if possible, so I guess shopping is out of the question. I think I will take this time to work on my school project. Yesterday was very relaxing I did the laundry and pittled around. Dh is on nights so he is sleeping during the day. Things are getting kind of tense at work again. The annual meeting is next month, there will be some major changes. I am excited about them. I think they are going to help turn things around for the better. We need some changes, we are not growing like we should. The thing is that I have been told what changes are going to be made, but the guy who is over me does not know. It all affects him, I feel like I am betraying him. The thing is he has done this to hisself, but I can't tell him that. Sometimes he acts totally clueless, then other times he acts different. Friday he told me not to get tooo comfortable and I said what do you mean by that, and he said well I just may retire anyday. I am thinking and that will affect me, I don't think so. He has been totally useless for the last couple of years. His retiring would make it easier on all involved plus spare him being FIRED! He is not a leader, never has been. He wants to be so important, he thrives on a title. To me titles mean nothing. Let my actions and deeds define who I am. It is so hard working with someone you can NOT respect. There has been so much that has happened, that I have lost all respect for the man. I hate feeling like this. I want to respect him but he is not a man of integrity. He lives a double life, it is really sad. I am hoping for some great changes in this coming year in all areas of my life. Thanks for the vent, these things have been really eating on me. I hope everyone has a great Sunday.

I have been so busy at work, it is unreal. I have so much to do, I don't know if I will ever get caught up. Plus we had a member that died before Thanksgiving, she left no one on her account. What a mess. Now someone has stolen checks from this lady and have wrote checks all over the metro area. So having to sort thru all of that doesnt help. Dr's office called today reminding me of my appt for lab work. I have a feeling this is going to be a mess as I told her my insurance won't pay as much on the lab they use. I don't really understand why they can't use the lab I need them to. I can go and have blood drawn at the drs orders and have the results sent to her. I hope they will work with me on this. If not I may have to find a new dr. It seems like lately, problems are never ending.

Happy New Year everyone, here I sit all alone. Dh is in bed he has to work tomorrow, the only thing good about that is the holiday pay. I would still prefer for him to be off tho. It is no fun bringing the new year in alone. I hope and pray that our ds is safe, he is in Baghdad, and we haven't heard from him in almost a week. I plan on working on my school stuff tomorrow so that I can get it in the mail. I have plenty that will be keeping me busy at work for the next couple of weeks due to the year end stuff, quarterly statements and all the tax stuff. I think I need to make me a to do list, that may help me to prioritize all that I have to do. I go to the dr on the 11th for blood work, to check my hormone levels, I then go to the endocrinologist on the 23. I know I need some adjustments, some things are better and some are way worse. I look forward to the day of being balanced. I hope everyone has a happy and safe New Years evening. 's,

I went in to work today on my day off so we could get caught up. I have been fighting a headache all day, it seems the headache medicine is not cooperating. I always know it is not going to be good when I wake up with one. I am starting to feel so much pressure with my school work. I will be so glad when I am thru.

We had to order a new file server at work, the other was 7 years old and from what I understand we were lucky it lasted as long as it did. We are looking at anywheres from $4000.00 to 8000.00 for this server. Depends on all of our operating systems, we are thinking it is best to go ahead and upgrade all the software now, then hopefully we won't have to do this again for a while. All I can think can think about is the work that has to be done once we are up and running. It went down on the 20th, we have 8 days of mail to process, plus all the day to day posting, if I think too much about it I get all wired. I can't stand knowing I have so much to do and can't do it. Also closing the books for the month, quarter and the end of the year. There are quarterly reports to get out, quarterly statements, at this point it just seems endless. I also have my school stuff to get in, I have made all my travel arrangements for the mid year term in February.

It is now the day after Christmas and all is quite. My dad,sister, her son and his family, plus my dd and her family were all here. We had a great time. We had a big dinner then sat and visited. Everyone left around 4 so we cleaned up and took it easy for the rest of the day. I go back to work today, I am not sure how it is all going to go since the file server has been down, I don't know if it is fixed or not. If it is, everything has to be downloaded on to it again. This is crazy, the end of the year is not the best time for this to happen, I guess this is a test to see what we are made of. I just hope and pray that it is fixed and we can start to get the things done that we haven't been able to do. I hope everyone had a great Christmas and looking forward to the new year. 's,

Computer still down at work, the guy is working on it. All I can think of is "why now". This is the end of the year, I have so much I need to do. It is hard to relax and enjoy the holiday knowing what I have waiting for me when I go back on Tuesday, providing the system is up and running. Thank goodness the board is understanding to this fiasco. I am excited about picking up my dd and grandson up in the morning, they are coming early and then her dh will be here on Sunday. They live about an hour away, only have one car. Dh is coming home today to clean the carpet, he wants it done before we have a house full of people. I am glad he likes doing that cause then I dont have too . Well time to get busy. I hope all have a good day. If your out and about please be careful. 's,

Oh my! Today was not good. The hard drive went out on the file server, nothing could get done. We were not able to get anyone out to look at it until after 3, then he took it with him. We are hoping it will be ready to go tomorrow. We weren't able to get any type of member transactions done today. Our members were very nice and understanding. We were able to take care of their financial needs, but when the server is back up, we will have to put it on those transactions and hope that we balance. I went to the grocery store picked up the turkey and all the fixings for Christmas dinner. I may go pick my daughter up on saturday, we will do some baking and stuff. Her husband will then come on Sunday, they will spend the night. I am so excited as we will get to spend the weekend with the new baby. I sure hope things work out tomorrow with the file server if not I may have to go in on Friday. We are suppose to be closed, but I may have to go play catch up.
I am kind of antsy waiting to see if I will hear from a friend, or I think we are still friends. I haven't talked to this girl in over a year. When I had my hysterectomy, she called but I never saw her, then 6 months later I had to have my ovaries out, same thing. I called her last, I was hurt over the way she was about it all. She had a hyst so she knew what I was going thru. Anyways, I wrote her a note the other day, she has been weighing heavy on my mind. I apologized if I had done anything to offend her, let her know that I missed and loved her. I don't really know what to expect. I am trying not to expect anything, that way I won't be let down. After a while I got tired of being the one calling and inviting her to lunch. I just started feeling that maybe the friendship meant more to me than to her. I am waiting, so I guess time will tell.

I have all my shopping done, except for my sister. I had ordered her a bracelet but it has not come in yet. I need to look for something just in case. I have a dental appointment to get my teeth cleaned to day, I love getting my teeth cleaned. I get to see my new grandson today, as my daughter has a dr appointment and will be coming this way. I am so excited, I can't wait to see him. I got my other grandson's packages in the mail, so I they should be there by Christmas. We really miss that child. Well my to do list is dwindling so that helps alot. I hope everyone has a good day.

I'm still kind of stressed over yesterday. Things seemed kind of awkward today. I hate working like that. I need to get my shopping done, it is driving crazy. I just feel like I am so way behind.

Wow, what a day. There was a board meeting yesterday, and the guy I work with always has to make things harder. I had researched a vendor for us to use their services. I told the board all about it, made plans for the lady to come do a presentation the board approved it. I got the contract and everything together. He then comes to me saying he needed the contract to take before the board. I gave it to him, it really ticked me off. To begin with he was suppose to do all of this and he told them there wasnt a vendor to do this. So this morning I asked one of the board members if they looked at the contract, they dont have to sign it , I just felt that it was a binding contract and the more eyes the merrier. I also felt that if for some reason this didnt work out it coudnt be blamed on one person. Well he said no, it was NEVER brought up. I am so darn mad, I have just about had all I can take of this guy. He also put in the budget for us to get a raise, it was approved. I got to thinking
that when they hired him, we were both equal, we got the same pay and all. The next year I got a 5%raise and he didnt for some bad behavior to do with the internet. So the year after that we got some new board members, and they approved me a 4% raise and he got a 10% to make up for the year before. He started making more money. The year before he started giving me a bonus in December, so every year he has given me one any wheres from $200-$300, it wasnt much but I appreciated it. I didn't say much about him getting more an hour because of that, I felt like the bonus evened it out. Well this year, I am so furious, I got to thinking about it, we both got a .50 cent hour raise, and I do appreciate that. I have decided that bonus is not really a bonus as it just helps make me think we are equal in pay. I will address the board next month, I have been there longer than this guy, I know more about the business, I take care of 90% of what goes on there. He hasnt been there as long as I. I have decided that if I dont stand up for myself no one else will. I need to chill, hope all is well.

Well I am happy, I got my ds's package in the mail. I hope he gets it before Christmas. The mail is running about 2 weeks to get to Iraq, which isn't too bad. Well I am now going to try to get my third KRA done, I would like to get it in the mail within the next week. I think that would help relieve some of this pressure. I feel that if I can get that done, then I can be . Why do we women do this to ourselves, my dh just doesn't seem to worry about any of this. I guess I have spoiled him and made things easy.

Well it is Monday, Christmas is two weeks from today, I can't believe that. I still have so much to do. I need to get ds's box in the mail, he says it is taking 2 weekd to get mail. I made his cookies and frosted them. I still have alot of shopping to do. I need to work on my school stuff, need to get it in the mail too. I can't believe I have put things off, I need some extra hands. I have so much I want to do. I am going to have to pick the important things and then do what I can.

The funeral was nice and very moving, I am glad that I went to show my support to the family. I went and saw my new grandson to day, he is a month old. It is hard to leave, I just want to sit and hold him. He is such a good baby. I bought the stuff to send my ds, he is in Baghdad. Wants me to send a sheet and a blanket, I guess he doesnt like sleeping in a sleeping bag all the time. I also picked up a book, some powder drinks and treats. I came home and made some cookies I will send to him. It is going to be hard him being so far away for Christmas this year. They had a scare the other day, he said they had mortar attacks, he said it was very scarey. No one was hurt seriously, thank God.

The funeral is tomorrow, thank you for all the kind words. I will take time off from work to attend, even if I must close the office. I made gingersnaps last night, I can't believe how good they are. They were really simple to make too, for some reason I never thought of them being a cookie to make at home. I am going to see my new grandson on Saturday, I am so excited, can't wait to see how much he has grown. I miss my other grandson who lives in Corpus with his mom. His name is Cameron, he just turned 6 years old. He had lived with us up until April, he was my shadow. I feel lost without him, but he is where he needs to be. I need to get my shopping done and get his Christmas in the mail so he can have it on time. I hope all is going well with everyone. lots of , Carol

Well I am at work alone for the rest of the afternoon, the so-called "boss" is gone until Thursday afternoon. He is a joke, he gets on my nerves. He does little as possible and wants to act like a big whig. It is a complicated story, the directors are just waiting on me to finish school and then he will be out the door. I know he knows that and I think that is why he is the way he is, he had nothing to lose. Sorry for the vent, it just gets hard some days dealing with this. My uncle called to let me know that his wife had passed away, I didn't know her that well. I am hoping I will be able to attend her funeral to support him. I went to the store today, I am planning on going home and making some cookies. I need to go work out at Curves when I get off. It is easy to get out of that habit, I need to make an extra effort to go for the next couple of weeks. I feel better when I do. I hope all is well with everyone. 's

The weather is still cold today, I got some cleaning done yesterday, still have some things to do. I need to get some shopping done. I need to make a list so that I will know where I am at. I am still trying what to do for dh, he says he doesn't want anything, I hear that every year. I would really love to do something to surprise him, really catch him off guard. Any ideas?

The weather cleared up, it is still cold but at least the ice is gone. I am so looking forward to the weekend. I have a lot of things to do . I need to work on my school project and try to get it in the mail before christmas. I want to go the winter session with all my Kra's done. I need to finish decorating and get things cleaned up here. I think I can work better knowing that stuff is done. I would love to see my new grandson, he was 3 weeks old on Tuesday. I took half a day off from work to try and get some business done for my son. The things we do for our children. He can't do alot of this where he is, so I do what I can to help him.

Brrrrrrrrrr it is cold. We had snow, part of Interstate 20 was closed so I wasnt able to get to work until noon, oh darn . Our ds called at 12:30 last night from Baghdad, it was 9:30 in the morning there. He was just checking in before they went out on maneuvers. DD called at 4:30 a.m. she was on her way to the ER she was having pains that sounded like her gallbladder. They didn't do a ultrasound or anything told her to schedule one, but I think she is going to wait on that see if this flares up again. The had to take the baby with them, he is 3 weeks old now and oh so cute. Today is the last day of the month, have to close the books for work. It is so hard to believe that tomorrow is December 1st, where did November go? Well guess I had better get busy.

I talked to my twin sister today, she lives in Wichita, they are getting ready for the snow coming their way. We are suppose to get down in the 20's, which is cold for us Texans. Things are going well, I can't believe that tomorrow will be the last day of November. Christmas is just around the corner and I have no shopping done. I need to get busy on my school stuff, I will be so glad when that is all behind me. I am pretty much on schedule, I would like to get at least one more KRA done and submitted before Christmas, so I can relax some and enjoy the holidays. I have a lot of it done, just need to put it all together.

Well things are good with my friend, I just take things so serious. I need to realize that when someone is a true friend you CAN'T push them away even if you wanted. I think space was what was needed. Thanks for all the kind words and advice. I have put up my tree, not decorated yet, I love to sit and look at it with just the lights. My ds called today, he is now in Baghdad, he is staying in a 4 bedroom house with 4 soldiers to a room. He said they have been doing alot of training. He was in good spirits, he says they will have internet access and will be able to check in more often than the last time he was there. We are so proud of him. He gave me his list of items to send, so I need to start picking up items. We have to trust God to keep him safe and bring him home to us.

I think I have messed up, I feel like I have probably lost a good friend. I am totally lost and upset as to how to move on from here. I don't want to do anything stupid and make it all worse. I am concerned about losing her friendship but then I feel like I am pushing her away. I sometimes feel as if I am not worthy of her friendship. I woke up with a headache, took some headache medicine. I feel so lost, all I can do is to let go and let God show my what to do.

Well I stayed in today didn't dare get out and fight the crowds. I will probably wait till the last couple weeks before Christmas to do my shopping as usual. We went to my bil and sil's tonight for burgers. Had a good time. I did some cleaning today, getting things ready to put my tree up. Dh just got off of his last graveyard so now life can be back to normal for a couple of weeks.

Wow, today has been a pretty good day. I fixed a small turkey with all the trimmings. Dh and I had a great meal together, it was nice to do things at our pace. I took a nap, which I haven't done in a long time. I have a 4 day weekend so I am hoping to get alot done. I may even put my Christmas tree up. The words of encouragement I get here is awesome, you girls are great. I hope all of you have had a great day with your families and friends.

Well I am checking in, it was nice reading journals today. I can't believe how much I have let this go, I enjoy reading about what happened or was going on last year, it helps me to see how much I have acheived and grown. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, it will just be my dh and I. Our dd and her family are going to his family and our ds is in Iraq, he left on November 16, will be gone a year. It is so hard to think we won't see him in a year. I really can't think about it, it depresses me to . Our dgs is with his mom now so it is just dh and I. I really have to fight getting depressed about it all. I am going to try to have a nice dinner for us and just enjoy the peace and quite. Happy Thanksgiving to all.

Wow, I am falling down on my journaling, it has been 4 months. I am getting ready to go back to management school for another 10 days, I am excited, and then dread being away from home for so long. It really is good for my dh and ds to take have to take care of theirselves. It is nice not to have to worry about anyone but myself, but then I like being needed too. I have been working on my project, it is neat to see it all starting to come together. Next summer will be my classes graduation, it is nice to know I am not alone in this, I always have my classmates to call upon if needed. There is a lot of support with the staff too, always ready to give a helping hand. I am getting excited, I feel like I am finally making some headway. I have been on a new estrogen called Enjuvea, I really like it so far, I don't have the bloatedness that I had on the Premarin. I have been trying some pregesterone cream, my dr says I don't need it, but it does seem to be helping some, I am starting to get my sleep patterns back the way they used to be. I feel like I am finally able to get past the hyst and health issues. It seemed they occupied so much of my time for so long, I now have some days where I don't think so much about it. I still have some of those weird feelings in the incision area, and soreness in the pelvic region, which I don't understand since there is nothing left in there. I hope it all goes away soon, it is enough to make me miserable. Wishing everyone the best.

It has been one weird week, things have been going on here at work that is totally stressful. The board met yesterday, they don't like the way some things are going here. I was told that it had nothing to do with me, it still makes you crazy. We have one who likes to come and try to tell us how to do our jobs, mind you he has never worked in a financial institution in his life. I hurt my hand the other day and my ring finger on my left hand hurts, and my wrist hurts also. It is strange. Dear grandson stayed home today with his dad and granddad, it was nice to drive to work in peace and quite. I have an appt with Angela today, she sure helps me to put things in perspective. I always look forward to talking with her.

Wow, I didn't realize it had been so long since I had journaled here. I have been journaling some on the other board. I have am keeping a journal by my bed, writing things that I don't want in cyperspace. I am trying to get some house cleaning done today. I let the laundry pile high. I can't believe that I am not keeping up with everything, when will ever stop. I hope this doesn't become a new habit. :wowee: The weather is cloudy and a little cool outside. I guess it is time to get back to work.

Slow day at work, with the federal reserve closed not a whole lot for us to do today. I need to get back to my routine, I need some energy, I don't want to put back on any weight that I have lost. I need to get my eating habits back on track and drink my water, it so hard to lose good habits and hard to get rid of bad. I go home in the evening and just dont want to do nothing, which is not good, the laundry doesnt get done, dishes dont get washed, my dh is helping out, but I cant expect him to do it all. I just need my energy level raised. I wonder if it has anything to do with no estrogen.

Well I allowed myself to expect too much again, when will I learn. Dh has been hinting about Valentines for 2 weeks, how needs to get out and get me something, I thought he would. Valentines came and gone, and nothing. He helped our daughter and her family move yesterday, he is also working the graveyard shift, he apologizes because he didn't get to town and get me anything, because he was busy with them. I understand all of that, but he could have made a phone call, he didn't have to wait till the last minute. I hate to sound so petty, but it really hurts my feelings, I feel as if I don't matter. He is like well we can go out and eat this weekend, which is all good, but he doesn't understand or maybe I am making too much out of it all. It takes all I got not to cry, I want to be strong, I am not material, a card of anything would have been nice. I guess I need to get over this pity party.

Wow I can't believe that I haven't journaled in a week. I keep telling myself I am going to everyday, but I get sidetracked. I went to counseling last night, I think I may be finally reaching a turning point. I have finally been able to pinpoint some things that are causing me alot of grief. It seems like everything I do comes back to the same thoughts and feelings, so I have a pattern going. I need to watch myself and don't make any decisions that I will regret later. Sleep is getting better since we are getting Cameron is his own bed. He is night staying all night, but at least it is a start. Work is slow today, dd is getting ready to move, I guess I will come over tomorrow and help her. Her 4th wedding anniversary is Valentine's day, and her birthday is the 15th. I was in labor with her all day on Valentine's and had her at 12:58a.m. on the 15th. The nurses said her little mouth was shaped like a heart. It is hard to believe that she is going to be 25, no wonder I am starting to feel old. I am only 45, which to me is not old. I need to try to get active again, I don't want to go into my 50's in bad health, I want to be as healthy as I can. Dh and I had a talk last night, it has been 10 months since my hysterectomy, and 3 months since I had my ovaries removed, I told him I am at a place that I didn't think I would be at for a while. I still cannot believe that I am where I am. I told him that sometimes I don't feel feminine, he told me that removing those body parts does not make me any less of a woman. Men don't understand that those are the parts that set us apart from them. I wish I could get past all of this, I guess it is going to take time.

I haven't journaled for a couple of days, still in a weird funk, I have been hanging out with myself. I haven't felt sociable. The therapist thinks it is because I'm not getting enough sleep. I have a hard time staying asleep, I keep waking up 4-5 times at night, I can't seem to shut down for very long. I plan on staying home tomorrow and cleaning, I have just been doing what I have to do. It needs a good spring cleaning, but that will have to wait till spring. My grandson has a cough and hasn't been feeing well the last couple of days. I hope he starts feeling better soon. Dh is on evenings and ds works evenings, so it is just me and Cameron, we can do what ever we want. I am off to try to get some laundry done.

I have not been in a mood lately to journal. I have had the blahs, trying to get over them. Dgs is still here, his mother never showed up, thank goodness it didn't dawn on him that the sixth day has come and gone. Ds is trying to get some paper work filled out and turned in the attorney general before she decides to show up for real. I bowled last night, I was so tired after the first game, I left the house yesterday morning at 8a.m. and worked till 5:30p.m. was so exhausted, that makes for a long day. I am still have trouble staying a sleep at night. Woke up late again today, will it ever stop. My internal clock is so messed up.

I have woke up late every day this week, this is not good. My dr changed my medication yesterday, instead of taking 10mgs of Lexapro he is having me take 20mgs, so we will see how this works. I haven't heard from Cameron's mom, so I don't know if she is coming Saturday or not. Dh wants to go visit his family saturday so we will see if that happens especially if Camerons mom shows up. I am now working on my executive summary, this is what ties the project together, but I need to figure out what my KRA's are going to be. I think I know, but I need to think some more on that. Sometimes I sit here thinking I am in over my head with this school, and other times it is a piece of cake. I just try to take it one step at a time, as they say, you eat a elephant one bite at a time. I have an appointment with Angela this evening, so I look forward to talking with her.Cameron is staying with his aunt tonight so I will have the evening to myself, ds is at work and dh is sleeping and goes to work at midnight. Back to work,

Dr's office called today to let me know that my bone's are good, to take calcium twice a day. I got my history done today. I just need to download it to main computer so I can print it out and get it in the mail. One thing I can mark off of my todo list. I went to sleep ok last night woke up at 3:00 and several other times, next time I wake up it is 8:00 and I have to be at work at 9:00, I had to hurry and get ready in 30 minutes as I have 30 minute drive to work. This is not good. I took 2 Aleve last night also, I had a headache that never went away, it is a light ache today. Hopefully this will all clear up soo.

I worked more on my paper, I have to go hunt up some more numbers, I thought I had them all & start putting them in and I am short 3 years, I guess it could be worse. I will work on it some more today, by the time I get thru with this, I will have a new assignment to get done. I hope to stay on the target with this next one. The last surgery sure threw me for a loop, and I have just had a hard time getting back into the swing of things. I am looking forward to going to Dallas in February for mid classes, get to see my classmates again. I have talked to some on the phone and received email updates, but we have a lot of plans to make to get ready for the summer semester. After this next class we will have to get down to the nitty gritty, I did sign up for a counseling session so hopefully that will give me a boost in the right direction. My grandsons mom called told him she was coming to get him in 6 days, I am trying to stay calm, she has done this before and never showed up, but this is the longest she has gone without seeing him. I have a feeling she will follow thru this time. He is excited he wants to be with her so bad, I hope that if she takes him this time that she will take care of him. It is not good for him to keep going back and forth, he starts kindergarten next year, so he will have to stay in one place. Dh is a sleep he is working night shifts, so we are trying to stay quiet not very easy with a 5 year old running around. I think we may try to get out this afternoon and go to the park. I am trying to get laundry done, need to vacuum and get things ready for the new week. Then maybe have time to chill out.

I went to the therapist last night, I gave her permission to talk to my dr on my behalf. She is going to see if he will give me Lunesta or something to help with the sleep issue. I have been able to get to sleep at night with the benadryl, I sleep about 4 hours and then I wake up anywhere to 3 or 4 times during the night. Then the morning comes and I have a hard time dragging myself out of bed. She thinks I need to find a different dr who will pay more attention and listen to what I am saying, I just don't know if I want to do that at this time, I was going to try to give it a couple of months to see if things settle down. She doesn't think my problems are mental but more physical, which means I am not crazy. She also wants me to walk at least 20 minutes of day, she also told me that major surgery puts a lot of trauma on the body, especially the nerve endings and it takes awhile for it all to get back to normal, I am sure I didn't explain it the exact way she did, but that is the jest of it. I am going to do what she recommends and think positive that it will help. I am going to be productive today, and get all of my research done, so that I can get cu history done this weekend. Well off to work, I hope everyone has a great day. Hugs,

I have all of my research done, so I am hoping to have it all put together by Monday. That is a big relief off my shoulders. Work is slow this afternoon.Hopefully it will be a slow evening. Dh starts his graveyard shift tonight, I don't like this shift, I think it is the worst of all of them.

I am alone at work this afternoon, . I hope to get some things done, but the way I have been lately, I wouldn't count on it. Instead of feeling better, I feel like I am going backwards. I cleaned the house last night before going to bed, it did help me get to sleep, staying asleep was the problem. I then wake up running late this morning, so we have to hurry. I hate when I do that, and I have been doing it alot lately. I am going to try to stay positive. Hugs to all.

I am sitting here,trying to get some things done, my dad is coming over and I will take him out to lunch. I have an appt. for a bone density test, and then I need to take my work home and get my history done for school. I feel very depressed today, there are alot of things going on that doesn't feel right with my body. I think it all has to do with no estrogen. I keep asking questions and don't feel like I am getting any answers. I am really considering going for another opinion. I have also sat here and listened to my boss lie to a member, which we wouldn't done what they wanted, but he didn't do what he told her he did. I have no respect for him, it is hard to work with someone you can't respect.

I went bowling tonight, it was nice to see my team again. I am sore, I didn't bowl like I normally do, I took it slow and easy. My stomach is sore, the place where the dr tried to do the laproscopic surgery by my navel, is sore. It has been more sore than the lap incision, I am starting to wonder if I don't have a hernia. It is not flat I can feel it, sometimes I feel like I am being poked with a needle, I get these sharp pains. I am not going to say anything to anyone, I am tired of all these aches and pains, I am afraid they will think I am a hypochondriac, that is how I am starting to feel. I also forgot to take my medicine this morning, I think I am losing my memory this is just rediculous. I am sitting here listening to grandson in my room laughing while he is watching cartoons, he is so sweet and innocent. I feel bad for him, I just don't understand why his mother doesn't feel the same way. She hasn't called in a week or so. He doesn't understand all this grownup stuff, I guess that is good to a point.

I took dgs for a haircut yesterday, he definitely needed it. I didn't get much sleep Friday night so I was very tired. I was able to get some last night, I need to do some housework today, finish the laundry. Dh bathed the dogs yesterday so that was nice, I hate bathing the dogs, he puts them in the shower and scrubs thems and uses the shower hose on them, then I have to dry them off. I have had a headache every night for the last week, and taking Aleve. It is very frustrating, I guess I am going to have to quit be so passive and doing what everyone expects and start taking my health into my own hands, or should I just give it some more time. I am not sure what to do. I guess I just need to think it thru.

TGIF, I am so ready for the weekend, I am so tired. I don't think I can think any more. Dh is really trying to get out of the doghouse, he called and said he done the dishes. I have most of the irs reports done for work. I still have to do 1098's and W2's but that wont be too bad. I have a boss who just sits and plays spider solitare on the computer majority of the day, and he wonders why they are wanting to vote him out of office. Go Figure! I hope that things will get better here soon. He is driving me crazy, when he does do something, I usually have to redo it, I hate asking him to do anything. He is a procrastinator big time. I am glad that the people who can do something about it, see it.
5:00 hurry and get here.

It is now about 9:30 and I can feel my headache coming on, I will take something before it gets too bad. I may start keeping a log to keep a record of these headaches, so that I will have an idea of how often they are coming.Dh is at work, just me and grandson is home, he is begging to go to bed. He is the only child I have ever seen that begs to go to bed at night. It is nice at least we dont have to fight him. Good night.

Work was so so today, I am so ready for the weekend, I am not used to this. I talked with the therapist tonight, she thinks I should go get a second opinion. She said I didn't need to tell my dr or tell the other dr who my dr is. I am not sure if I want to do that, I may just see how things go for a couple of weeks and then maybe I will have a better idea of what to do. Dh is in the doghouse tonight, he may be there for a while. I have felt a headache coming on all day, I think I better go take some aleve or advil before it shows itself full force.

Today was my first full day back at work, it wasn' too bad. I a little tired. I just need to try to get to bed earlier or should I say sleep sooner. It is so frustrating to go to bed and just lay there. My dr wants me to have a bone density test, so I am having it done on Wednesday, he says it is easy just lay on a table.No estrogen dr says I dont need it, I will try it his way and if it doesnt work then I will do it my way.

Back to work and tons to do, I wonder if I will ever get all caught up. I go to the dr today, eager to see what he has to say. I am feeling good today, I hate these up and down feelings, it makes me feel crazy. I am trying to not say anything about any pains, I feel like everyone is getting tired of hearing about them. I have had no estrogen supplements for a week and I am hoping that is what is causing everything. I pray that the dr will be listening today when I talk to him, I have my list made out, he may want to run the other way when he sees it. I guess I will get back to work.