Hello sisters.
It's now been 7.5 months since my hysterectomy. It's hard to believe the time has gone by so quickly. When I joined Hystersisters in April (i think) of last year, I became absolutely obsessed with this site. The outpouring of love, support, understanding and friendship that I gained were priceless, at a time when I really needed it.

My hysterectomy experience was really quite good as far as major surgery goes I have no regrets, as I believe the surgery was necessary. I had suffered for so long with endometriosis and adenomyosis, that I was losing touch with myself. I had become a slave to pain, and to the crimescene bleeding so many of us have experienced.

After surgery, my recovery was uncomplicated, but slow. Due to the chronic pain, my poor body was just worn out. It took me the full 8 weeks to recover enough to return to work. For a couple of months after that, I had to take things really easy. Now the only reminder that remains is that huge scar across my bikini line. The scar is not a problem for me, as I've always scarred easily, and don't worry about such little things. I do have the odd twinge now and again from my ovaries. They are just reminding me that they are still there. It also serves to remind me to watch out for symptoms of the endo returning. I don't ever want it to get to that point again. I think 3 surgeries in one year was more than enough.

These days, I still think of all my sisters. These are the ladies who helped me in the weeks leading up to my hyst, and those that sent me hugs and offered support throughout my recovery. I have made some lasting friendships here, and have really found a true friend who I sometimes feel is like a longlost sister! Without Hystersisters, I have no idea how I would have made it through the dark days. Who would have answered all of my crazy questions if it weren't for all of you????

Currently I am dealing with another chronic illness. I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and am learning to live with that. What it means is that I will likely suffer with some degree of pain forever. I plan to meet this challenge head on, as I meet all challenges in my life.

It does however mean that I have not been spending much time here, answering questions for the Ladies in Waiting, or newly crowned Princesses. I do pop in now and then to read journals, and keep up with those who helped me through such a rough time in my life. I wish I could offer more, but at this point, I just can't.

I have to focus on my family, and especially on ME! Yes, this is the time when I must take the time to deal with my own illness. I start swimming next month, and I will be purchasing an elliptical trainer. Now, I get by with lots of stretching and yoga, to fight the constant pain. Oh, and I can't forget about my monthly massage. I am hoping that the exercise will help me to cope. I am not feeling sorry for myself anymore, because it is up to me to make my life the best it can be.

I am taking more time to spend with my son. I am enjoying my hobby....cross stitching. It is time for me to move on, and live my life as best I can.

I want to thank everyone here at Hystersisters. You will never know just how much I appreciate all of you. Kathy....thank you for creating the site. Hostesses....you rock! Keep up the good work. And sisters......please continue to offer each other the love and support that we need.

I wish you lots of and many many warm comforting s.

Don't worry, I'll pop in now and then to visit. If anyone needs to contact me, just email me through this site.

Love
Tam (aka Northlights)

I am so excited. My brother and his wife announced on Christmas day that they are expecting a baby in July. I can't even explain how exciting this is. My brother is 32, and we were beginning to wonder if they were ever going to have children!

Funny enough....they just started trying, so I was teasing them that "M" must have just looked at his wife "C" kinda funny and she magically got pregnant.

I have to admit.....and I felt like such a BAD SISTER!!!! After the initial shock wore off, a tiny peice of me felt jealous and angry and sad all at once. Apparently they were worried about telling us, for fear that I would be upset. Uh, yeah! We tried for 12 years to have our own child, and those two have unprotected sex what TWICE? and she's pregnant. ooooooh, bad bad bad sister!!!! Of course I will adore this baby, and I will spoil it rotten, and try to make sure that his/her first words are "favorite Auntie Tam". I will be able to bond with him/her fromt the time she (ok, I'm gonna call her a she because we all think it's a girl) is born. I missed out on this opportunity with my son, as he came to us when he was nearly 3.

Yes, I am thrilled and joyful, but I think a part of me is always going to feel sad. I am glad it happened now instead of 5 years ago when I was in a deep depression over my infertility. I am also happy that they waited until after my son came into my life. My little boy makes it so much easier for me to handle.

So, this is wonderful news in my family, as this will be the first "blood" grandchild for my parents. Oh, I know they adore my son, and nothing could ever take his place as the FIRST grandchild. My mom and dad will continue to spoil my son, but now my mother gets to go and buy "baby stuff".....and hey, so do I. Maybe NOW I can walk through the baby aisle at Wal-Mart without getting all teary. Now I have a reason to be there.

Much love to all my "sisters" and I wish you all a wonderful healthy happy 2005.


Tam

I can't believe it's been so long since my last entry. I know, I promised to be more diligent in writing.....but.....but.....but.....I've been BUSY!!!!

Christmas was wonderful this year. I just reveled in seeing the joy on ds's face as he opened each gift. That is, until we got to one of the gifts from my mom and dad.....the expression was priceless, and I missed getting a photo. He ripped the box open, and then threw the tissue paper on the floor. He reached in, and pulled out jeans. He looked at me and said "PANTS???? Who got me pants? I told Santa I don't NEED pants!!!! I burst out laughing and then explained....no you didn't WANT pants....but Santa knows you NEED pants!

The difference between last year and this year is huge. My darling little boy, is no longer so little. I think there's a huge difference between 4 and 5 years of age. It seems he's somehow "matured" and is no longer babyish! As much as I would have loved to see him dressed in little jammies with feet in them, I know those days are long gone. sigh.

Christmas dinner was fabulous as usual. We have the best Jewish Christmakkah dinner anywhere! My grandmother (bless her soul) used to cook Christmas dinner because her husband was not Jewish.....long story.....My mom's parents divorced and remarried other people many years ago. So....my "step grandpa" and step grandma were both non-Jewish. My husband and son are not Jewish, and my brother's wife is Catholic (more about them later). So, we usually wrap Christmas and Hanukkah all together....hence Christmakkah!

My mother cooks enough food to feed a mid sized sub saharan African country for a week. Seriously...we had 12 people at dinner. Everyone took home HUGE containers of leftovers, and there was still tons of food left at mom and dad's house. Poor dad....I think he's still eating turkey sandwiches, soup, a la king, and stir fry.

We decided to go easy on the spending this year, mostly because my dh just started his new job, and didn't get a pay check for the whole month of December. Of course "going easy" in my mom's mind means going easy on us (the adults), yet still buying nine thousand presents for my ds. He is the only grandchild after all.

So, ds got completely spoiled rotten, but that's ok. He got lots of new movies....most of which I think were partly for me, and partly for ds. So....I love disney movies, what can I say???? I'm sure we have now watched Aladdin 32 times since Christmas day.

New year's eve was very uneventful. We had a blizzard here in my beautiful prairie city, which started Thursday night and lasted till Saturday afternoon (New year's day). Yup, we had about 35 centimeters of snow dumped on us, and the blowing snow was creating whiteout conditions on all the major roads. So....we decided it was best and safest to stay home. We watched the Lion King II, and my dh was asleep by around 9:30 pm. He had started work at 5 that morning, and was up at 3am to shovel a path to the garage before he left. Needless to say, he was exhausted. It was just as well. I was tired, and in alot of pain, considering the excitement of the preceeding week. So we missed ringing in 2005 at midnight....but strangely enough it was still there in the morning!!!

Did I mention that ds and I were pretty much together 24-7 from Christmas eve morning until YESTERDAY???????? Note to self......24-7 for 10 days with no "me time" is enough to drive both ds and I nuts!!!! I have to admit though, we had so much fun together. I took him to work with me Christmas eve. About 10 other co workers brought their kids in too. We set them up in our conference room with a tv/dvd player, and a table full of crayons, markers, coloring books, scissors, you name it they had it! I think I spent more time in the confernece room coloring and making snowflakes than I did at my desk working.

Daycare was closed for most of the week, and so we hung out together while dh went to work. This is probably the last Christmas/New Years we will spend together due to his job. Now that he's a transit operator (yes, that's the fancy title for a bus driver these days), he is the low guy on the seniority list, so he will end up working most if not all of the holidays for the next several years.

My dh really loves this new career. He's still in training until January 11th, and then he's on his own. This week is his first week working nights. It's very strange not having him home in the evening. All the time we have been together, he's ALWAYS been at home with me at night. I suppose it will take some getting used to. Maybe I need a dog to keep my feet warm at night!!!!

I'll end this entry now.....I've got more news to tell in another entry.

I know I have mentioned the strange "connection" that my son has with his "girlfriend" C. H and C met when they were 2 years old, and only see each other maybe 2 or 3 times a year. Keep in mind that my son H is now 5 and C is 4.

I'll try to explain.....My dear friend J is C's grandmother, and C's mom S is also a good friend to me. Well, C and her mom were talking a few weeks ago, about how some people only get married once, and some people get married lots of times (S is divorced and living with her boyfriend...a wonderful guy).

So little Miss C, put her hands on her hips and said "Mommy I'm only getting married once....and it's forever" As she stifled the giggles, S asked C "so honey, do you know who you're going to marry?" and C answered very matter-of -factly....of course mommy I'm going to marry H!!!! So, that was the end of the conversation and they went on to something else.

When J told me about this, I was not surprised. These 2 have been so very close since their first meeting. That evening, I told my son exactly what C had said, And he said yes, mom I know, and I miss C. I told him that he can always talk to and play with C in his dreams. I explained that all he needed to do, was think about C as he's drifting of to sleep, and that in dreamland, he can be with whoever he wants.

Today, my friend J told me of C's latest. She woke up out of a dead sleep on Saturday morning, and her mom walked in to check on her. She looked at her mom and said "Mom, I really AM going to marry H". S said it was as though it had suddenly been confirmed to her.

It just seems very odd to me that two children so young are so close, even when they live so very far apart. I know there are many of you here at HS who are very spiritual.....care to try and explain this to me????

love to you all

I had a wonderful weekend, full of togetherness with my ds and my dh. We finally went to finish shopping for ds's Christmas presents....yup....Walmart is open at 7 am...we were in by 7:01, and out by 8:10, and that includes having breakfast!!!

We had wanted to buy :H: a game boy, or something similar, but they are still a bit complicated for a 5 yr old. Instead, we bought him the coolest thing. It's a little kid sized laptop computer with it's own mouse! It's not REALLY a computer, but it flips up just like a regular laptop. It is actually a game system with over 70 games programmed in to it. It has some educational stuff, as well as fun frivolous stuff. He is going to love it! We also bought him a few new games for the regular computer, which I'm sure he will love.

Anyway...the point of this entry...just had to get this down in my journal. My ds "H" and I were playing around on the couch last night, hiding under a blanket, tickling, and just having a giggle fit!
I guess my foot got a bit too close to his "nether regions, because he said MOM....you almost hit my PENIS!!! Well, I answered...sorry sweetie I'll be more careful of my feet. Then quite seriously he asked...."mom, boys have a penis right? So what do girls have?" Of course I'm always very honest with my son, and don't try to baby talk, or use slang words. I matter of factly said ....boys have a penis, and a girl has a vagina. Well, you'd have thought I said the most hilarious thing in the world, because apparently the word vagina is absolutely hysterical to a 5 yr old boy! So, once we both stopped laughing, he looked at me quite seriously and said "Mom, do YOU have a vagina???...Through peals of laughter, I answered yes H, mommy is a girl, so naturally I do have a vagina. More laughter ensued. I wasn't about to get into the whole yes, I have a vagina but no uterus discussion. We shall save that for another day!

I guess he was quite satisfied with my answer. I did have to remind him NOT to go to school and daycare today and ask all of his teachers if they have a vagina.

I am so looking forward to Christmas this year. The last couple of years, I have not been very Christmassy....more Grinch-like actually. This year, I just want to enjoy watching my son open his presents, and revel in the love of our family.

As I get older, I appreciate my family more and more. It is amazing to know that we are all still so close, and living not only in the same city, but all within a reasonable driving distance. Therefore, help is never too far away. This year I give thanks that my family is with me. I will be sure to tell all how much I appreciate their love and support.

Christmas is soooooo about the giving.....not the receiving. I could care less if I get anything for Christmnas. I don't really NEED anything. And we all know there's a huge difference between need and want.

Have a wonderful evening my fellow sisters.
love to all

Hello my dear sisters....
Yes, I'm still here, lurking and reading journals, trying to keep up with all of you...my dear friends.

I must apologize for not commenting or offering much support, but I think I needed a bit of a "time out". I have been focusing so much on myself, and my need for support that I had stopped being helpful to others. Now, I have recharged. I have decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, and press on.

I can't tell you how much I have missed writing. Each day I come to the computer and read all your journals, and then try to put an entry in mine. At that point I stop and think....what could I possibly have to say that would be relevant or helpful? So, instead I chose to write nothing.

Today marks a new day. I have this journal for a reason. That is to record how I am doing, and to show other women who care to read my story, that there is life after a hysterectomy. I want to show others that yes, life can be tough. We all have our challenges, yet each of us has to find a way to overcome them.

As it stands now, I am waiting to see a specialist on January 25, 2005. Yesterday I called in a favor. A co-worker's spouse works at the same hospital as Dr. D.....so, I asked her if she could put in a word for me, or put me on a cancellation list. She was more than happy to do so, and will check in with Dr. D's office once or twice a week to try to squeeze me in to see her. From this small gesture I have learned that it is OK to ask for favors when needed. I usually don't like to ask for help as youa ll know. At this point in my life, I realize that I NEED help, and I'm ok with that.

Every day I wake up in pain. And it's not that run-of-the-mill kind of pain that one gets from a hard workout. This is much much different. I was reminded of the difference on Wednesday morning. Tuesday night we had a lot of snow. So, when ds and I got home Wed after work, we decided to shovel the sidewalk. Normally this would be no big deal, but with the deep muscle pain I've been experiencing, it was really difficult. But we managed to finish, despite my many stretch breaks. Long story short....when I woke up WEdnesday morning, there was that usual ice pick in my back feeling, but added to that was sore overworked muscle pain from shovelling. Ah-ha....the difference is.....sore overworked muscles are a "surface pain"....and it goes away after a couple of days. My usual pain is very "deep" if that makes any sense whatsoever.

I know that there is not much I can do about the pain at the moment. I will wait until I see Dr. D, and get some idea of what kind of exercise I can do. Until then, I will carry on....after all, I do have a life to run here

Today is a very busy day. My annual Christmas breakfast meeting is this morning. Then I've got another meeting at work, and then at lunch time, it is ds's Holiday concert/lunch at daycare. Eeeek, I'm going to need a nap this afternoon

Well, my sisters, I should run....I promise to try and write more often.

much love and many s to you all.

Think about each of them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one..
These are simple things that can bring you joy.

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket

5. A special glance.

6 Getting mail

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla or strawberry!)

12. A bubble bath.

13. Giggling.

14. A good conversation.

15. The beach

16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.

17. Laughing at yourself.

18. Holding a newborn baby.

19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

20. Running through sprinklers.

21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

23. Laughing at an inside joke.

24. Friends.

25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

29. Playing with a new puppy.

30. Having someone play with your hair.

31. Sweet dreams.

32. Hot chocolate.

33. Road trips with friends.

34. Swinging on swings.

35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

36. Making chocolate chip cookies.

37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.

38. Holding hands with someone you care about.

39. Running into an old friend and realizing
that some things (good or bad) never change.

40. Watching the _expression on someone's face
as they open a much desired present from you.

41. Watching the sunrise.

42. Getting out of bed every morning and
being grateful for another beautiful day.

43. Knowing that somebody misses you.

44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.

45. Knowing you've done the right thing,
no matter what other people think.

I don't know what is going on with me, but I am just sooooooooo sleepy. I am having trouble staying awake. That makes two days in a row of sitting at my computer doing "head bobs". This is absolutely ridiculous. I went to sleep before 10:00 last night, and slept till 6. You would THINK that would be enough sleep, but apparently not.

I wonder if this is a side effect of the amitriptylene that the doc put me on. I've read that this particuloar drug (Elavil) can cause daytime drowsiness. I think what I have is beyond drowsy. I am literally fighting to stay awake here. Oh, and don't even get me started on the dry mouth and weight gain associated with Elavil.

I do think that the Elavil MAY be helping to cut the pain levels down to a slightly more reasonable level. But, if I can't stay awake to enjoy it, then what the heck is the point?

And it's only another 2 months until I can get in to see the specialist. Oh joy.

I knew the day would come eventually. It is the day that children love, and many adults despise....the first snowfall of winter. It happened yesterday....around 4:30pm. It had been raining all afternoon here in "Winterpeg", and suddenly changed into giant wet snowflakes. I watched through the kitchen window as I was preparing supper. At first, the flakes would melt as soon as they softly landed. Right before my eyes, a blanket of snow began to form on my back yard lawn. The picnic table, the barbecue, and ds's bike were soon covered in the sparkly white flakes.

When I was a child, I loved the winter. Winter meant snow and snow meant all kinds of fun! Every kid who grows up in Winnipeg, quickly learns that you must make the best of it, or you'll go stark raving mad sitting in the house for 5 months of the year. As I watched the new blanket of snow, I was taken back to my childhood. It was a beautiful daydream, whereby I remembered all of the things I used to love about the snow. As with most people my age or older, we did not have video games and computers to keep us indoors. All of the mothers on the street, would bundle up the children in snowsuits, hats, mitts, scarfs, and boots and then shove us all out the door to play.

Ah....the good old days.....when kids tv programming consisted of: Sesame Street, Mr. Dressup, The Smurfs, Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show, and Spiderman to name a few. Who wanted to sit around the house? We all wanted to play outside. The kids of today would ask "why go outside? It's cold!" Well, if you get moving, then it really isn't cold. Many a day mom would help us get out of all our outside gear, only to find our clothes just soaked, and us all sweaty.

So, what did we do in the 70's during winter? Hmmmm....tobogganing, ice skating, hockey, fort building, tunnel digging, snowball fighting, snowman building, etc. There was so much to do, and when mom called us in for supper, it was tough to get us to leave the latest activity. When I was little, even shoveling snow was great fun. Yes, my dad bought little "kid sized" shovels for me and my little brother, and we "helped" daddy clear the sidewalk and driveway of snow.

Many children are missing out on these experiences today. I think the world has just changed so much since I was a child. It was no big deal for all of the mothers on the street to send their kids outside to play. Nobody had to come out and watch us like a hawk. There was an element of trust there. All the kids looked out for one another, and would scream bloody murder if anything happened to one of us. Each of the mothers would occasionally look away from "Another World" or "General Hospital" to ensure that none of the kids had been dragged away by a kidnapper.

These days.....I think it is more difficult. I don't feel comfortable letting ds play out in the front yard unless I'm there with him. I still insist that I go with him, if he wants to go for a bike ride. Maybe I'm paranoid, but there are just too many awful stories of child molesters out on the loose.

I am just sooooo sleepy today. I could easily go back to bed and be off in dreamland in a matter of minutes.

Love to all my Sisters
and s

It suddenly dawned on me yesterday...........

I have not had my period for 6 MONTHS!!!!! Funny....I don't miss it at all However, for some reason I have been unable to get rid of my pads and tampons. I keep thinking....someone may come over and need one and it would be awful if I had nothing for them. I think it is about time that I send them off to the women's shelter. I will keep 3 pads and 3 tampons "just in case", but the rest must go. That will be my goal for this weekend. I'll round up all of my feminine hygiene products and get rid of them. I better make sure I check EVERYWHERE! I found one in my briefcase the other day and just had to laugh.

Yes, it is time to bid farewell to that part of my life. Although I still have issues with pain, I am so happy to have made the decision to have the hysterectomy. Never again will my husband have to watch me curled up in a ball on the floor whimpering. I can now look back and realize just how horrible my periods were. I really and truly did not know that it was abnormal to have to wear a tampon AND a pad together, and need to change every 2 hours. I just figured it was that way for everyone. I mean how would you bring that up in a conversation?
"So Sally, how was your weekend, and by the way....how often do you change tampons during the day?

I now know that crime scene bleeding is NOT normal. The pain I was experiencing during periods was unbearable. I honestly have no idea how I lasted as long as I did. How can one describe horrific menstrual cramps to the "average" woman, who only gets a little bloating and tenderness? How many times have you Sisters had a "friend" or "relative" or "co-worker" spouse or even doctor, tell you "oh come on, it's just cramps....how bad can it be? All women have cramps" If you're anything like me....you had heard all that for YEARS.

How can you describe the pain that comes with endometriosis and adenomyosis? Before coming to this website I had never heard of adenomyosis...even though my uterus was full of it. I now have a better understanding of what was going on inside my pelvic cavity every month since I was 12 years old. What I and many of you experienced was so far beyond cramps. I'll admit that many times during a particularly bad period, I prayed for G-d to make it stop. Yes, there were times when I wished I were dead. It was that bad. I'd lay on the floor, or the bed, or even the cold bathroom floor, writhing in agony, and nobody understood. The only way I can describe the pain I had was like multiple knives being thrust into my pelvis....then twisted around inside. I could imagine a large hand inside my pelvis grabbing my uterus and squeeaing tightly, and refusing to let go.

Nope, ladies, I do not miss my period one little bit. I feel more womanly now than when I had all my parts. I never have to worry about a sudden "accident" ever again. I won't have to plan my life around when I'll be incapacitated by my "just cramps". I no longer have to worry about sex being too painful to think about.

Not having a period is a sort of freedom for me. So why did it take me this long to realize? Because this surgery is so very draining....physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. It is easy to get caught up in the healing process, and not stop to think about the extraneous aspects of it.....like no more periods, no more cramps, and no more worrying about it.

I am grateful to have found Hystersisters before my surgery. All of the ladies I've met (you know who you are) have helped me get through this on so many levels. I hope that by reading my journal new sisters will be helped in some small way. What I suppose I want everyone to know is.....you can recover from this surgery and still feel very feminine. You can have this operation and still come out strong, confident, and committed to helping other women get through this.

Much and many s to you all.

After yesterday's silly rambling attempt at "poetry", today I will try to be more coherent.

Yesterday was actually a good day. I was in a good mood, and my pain levels were not horrific. I did end up talking to the nurse who works in my department, and she made me feel a whole lot better. I went into her office to give her an update as to my condition. We talked for awhile about doctor's reluctance to prescribe narcotics for pain relief, even when weaker meds don't help. I explained that I felt about 3 inches high every time I have to phone Dr. M's office for more percoset. We delved into why I feel that way. Well, through some prodding, it came out that I really feel weak when I must depend on these meds, and I don't want people to think that I am a drug seeker. So, nurse B asked me "what people?" Who the he ll is going to think that? And why the he ll do you care what other people think.....they don't have to live in your body day after day. Hmmmmm....I guess I never thought of it that way. She also made the point that if Dr. M didn't think I could use the meds responsibly, then he would NOT prescribe them for me. Here in Manitoba the "triple form prescriptions" must all be accounted for, and Dr. M must be able to justify to the Medical Board why he is prescribing these meds.

Ok, so after our chat, I did call Dr. M's office to leave a message with his secretary as to what I need. I explained that I won't be able to get in to see the specialist for at least two months, and I can't go with no relief at all until then. Unfortunately Dr. M wasn't in the office, but he'll be in this morning. She left a note on his desk, and hopefully he will do this for me.

I have to go out of town today and do a site visit, but will be back this afternoon. I'll be able to hopefully pick up the prescription this afternoon. At least that will make the "family gathering" a little bit easier for me to get through tomorrow.

Sisters....thank you all for the support you've given me. I appreciate all of your kind words, encouragement, understanding and s. You are all angels.

When was the last time you looked in a mirror
I mean really really looked

What did you see

Today I saw a woman
not the girl I used to be

I miss her
that girl
with the sparkle in her eyes
the blush of her cheeks
and the softness of her skin

where did she go
or did she really go
is she still inside
buried deep within
locked away

why
passage of time
wisdom gained
battles won and lost
illness and pain
shifting priorities
heartache and triumph

Can I get her back
or do I really want to
not at the expense of my experiences

All of these experiences
make me, ME

Throughout life
lessons are learned
knees are skinned
tears are shed

From that blossoms the true me
And like any blossom, there is delicacy
A flower blooms for a short time, and then it sleeps
a new but slightly different flower may bloom
in its place
the new bloom never better or worse
but different
having it's own beauty and flaws

The cycle continues
A new day will dawn
And a new me will emerge
not better or worse
but different
for now....like the flower
i will sleep

I was right about two things.

First....it is afternoon, and the pain meds have worn off, and yes friends I am in severe pain.

Secondly, I called Dr. D's office to see if they had any clue as to when I might get in to see her. Oh let's see now....she's booking into January right now, and they haven't even got to my referral. Swell. Just bloody marvelous. I realize she's busy. There are very few docs here who specialize in FM and CMP, so I expected a bit of a wait. Normally two months would be no big deal for me. I can be patient. HOWEVER.....now I am expected to go for the next 2 months with no relief from this neverending muscle pain.

I am sick of doctors. I am tired of being poked, prodded, and tested. I've had so many tests I think I could probably do my own blood draws and then analyze it by myself. I hate to be a whiner and complainer. I feel like pain is sapping the life out of me.

How do I break this cycle of pain, fear, anger, disappointment, etc? I just feel so powerless, and I HATE feeling that way. Don't the powers that be KNOW that I have a life to run here? I think I am mostly angry that doctor's make it so difficult to procure proper pain medication. Apparently the only people that need narcotics are those who have terminal cancer. Yes, all of those people DO need strong meds to maintain their comfort level.

So WHY on earth is it so difficult for me...a well educated woman, with a great career, a great family, and a great outlook on life, to obtain medication that will allow me to function? Ooooooh, because I might get ADDICTED (doc's words, not mine). Yes it is much worse for me to become addicted, than for me to take a ridiculous number of sick days. It's logical to think that I should be able to "suck it up", even though weaker pain meds, tricyclic anti-depressants, massage therapy, yoga, and acupuncture have not worked. Yes, it is much better to withold narcotic pain meds, because I could become addicted. It is certainly logical then that I should go and check myself into the local psych ward because all of this must be imagined, hysterical pain. Hmmmm, maybe they would at least sedate me enough to get some sleep.

Sorry for ranting. I'm just **** frustrated.
s

It seems I'm having a very hard time journalling the past few weeks. I just don't know what is wrong with me. All I want to do is curl up in my pyjamas and sleep. Am I depressed? Nope, it's not that. I've been depressed many times, and I know how that feels. This is different.

For the past 3 days I've been home sick with laryngitis. It was hilarious. Normally I never shut up, but for the last few days I had no choice. It hurt my throat to talk. Today, I am feeling better, and my voice has returned, although it's still a bit squeaky at times.

I had my monthly massage on Saturday. The therapist had just been on a course the previous week, where she learned all about "pelvic floor release". According to Amber....there are 3 transverse planes in the body....the pelvic floor, the diaphragm and the thoracic inlet. Sometimes these planes get out of alignment and can cause alot of pain and "tightness". So, I have now had one treatment, and I need one more before I'm realigned. Following that, I had my myofascial release therapy, and finally deep massage to try to releive a trigger point I've got in my shoulder. It is most annoying. The sore spot is right beside my shoulder blade, yet it causes pain to radiate down my arm to my fingers, and up into my neck as well. The massage part was brutal, and for some strange reason, I walked out of there with a raging migraine. Who knew the shoulder and head were attached that way???

I took my last 2 percosets this morning, so by this afternoon I should be VERY cranky. I can't very well ask Dr. M for more, as I basically told him I'm waiting for an appointment with the physical medicine doc (Dr. D). My GP (Dr. B) doesn't like to write prescriptions for narcotics, and when I saw her a week ago, she said....well if Dr. M wants to write a script for them that's fine, but I'm not going to. Ok. Fine. So, what am I supposed to do? The appointment with Dr. D could be MONTHS away. Dr. B sent a letter to Dr. D on November 4th, to request an appointment for me. I still haven't heard back from Dr. D's office. This tells me it could take forever to see her. Maybe I will call her office today. I'm getting desperate. Just the thought of a long period of time without the pain meds to take the edge off, makes me very nervous. I suppose if I get desperate, I can always go to the er. But what do I tell them???? Hi I'm here because I MIGHT have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Myofascial Pain....I'm in serious pain right now, and would like some narcotics to take the edge off. Somehow I don't think this would go over well. I suppose I will try to tough it out for as long as I can.

On a more positive note, dh turns 40 on Friday. Wow.....my husband is almost 40. It makes me feel kinda old. Yes, I'm 6 yrs younger but still it sounds strange. My dh, who I met when he was 25, is now turning 40! It has been decided that we will have a family gathering on Saturday at our house to celebrate. I am really not looking forward to this. Don't get me wrong....I love family gatherings, and I'm happy to have everyone at my house. The only problem is....I know how exhausting it will be to clean the house, get everything in order, and cook a huge roaster pan full of my very famous "Texas Ribs". They are sooooo yummy. I actually asked dh if we could pleeeeeaaaasssseeee use paper plates, because the thought of cleaning up after 12 people just makes me really freaked out. He agreed and told me not to worry about the house. He will ensure that it is clean by Friday night....bathrooms and all. I don't think my dh has cleaned a bathroom since we moved in together a million years ago.

I suppose that is it for now. I should really go and do some work. Love to all of my sisters.

This past Saturday, dh and I took ds to the local pet food store. I've probably mentioned it before....it's also a no-kill shelter for animals waiting to be adopted. Many times we go in, and there are only a couple of cats waiting in cages.

On this particular day, the cat room was FULL. I'm talking like 10 adult cats, and probably 15 kittens. My dear little boy took my hand and nearly pulled me into the cat room. He proceeded to look around at all the adults, and make comparisons to kitties he already knows. For example....mom look....this one looks like Shadow, or look mom....this one "peeps" like Simba. I of course went straight for one of the cages full of tiny fluffy kittens. I picked one up out of the cage, and the poor thing was so frightened. She was a long haired white kitty with big blue eyes. She looked to be part Persian, and was simply precious.

The whole time I was cuddling little white kitty, my ds had been standing in front of one of the other kitten cages, patting a little black and white. The kitten was sticking his paw out at ds and also doing "cheek rubs" against ds's hand. After several minutes of this, ds looked up at me with tears in his eyes. I was startled that he looked so upset. So I put down little white kitty in her cage, and crouched down to ds's level. I asked my sweet boy what was wrong. As his lip quvered ever so slightly, he pointed to his new little friend and said to me.....mommy, I think he misses his mom and dad, and he's lonely.

Well.....I just about lost it right there in the pet store. My little boy feels inside the same way I do when I see an abandoned or sad little creature. My instincts tell me to touch and love those poor little kittens, yet our home is already full of kitties. I explained to ds that yes, the kittens are probably very sad that they miss their mom and dad. I also told him that since the kittens were still so small and cute and sweet, that a family would be along soon to take the kitties home to become part of their families. He said I guess that's ok then....as long as the new family really loves them.

aaaaaaawwwwww isn't he so sweet????

I suppose part of the message here, is that I want to remind people to have their animals sterilized, to prevent unwanted kittens and puppies. Unfortunately I just CAN:T take them ALL home, no matter how much I want to

My dh teases me that when I'm 85, I'll be the crazy cat lady with 40 cats living in the house.

According to Dr. M this is just one of the many things going on with my body right now.

The hallmark symptoms are dry eyes and dry mouth. Sjögren's may also cause dryness of other organs, affecting the kidneys, GI tract, blood vessels, lung, liver, pancreas, and the central nervous system. Many patients experience debilitating fatigue and joint pain. Symptoms can plateau, worsen, or go into remission. While some people experience mild symptoms, others suffer debilitating symptoms that greatly impair their quality of life.

Luckily, the only symptoms from this that I'm dealing with are the dry eyes and mouth. I do have pain and fatigue, but according to the Rheumatologist....the type and location of my pain is not consistent with Sjogren's. Thus, I will eventually be sent to a physical medicine doc. I just wish they would call and tell me when I can see Dr. D. I am praying it is not a 4 month wait like it was to see my gynecologist!

Have you ever asked somebody "how are you"? and then realized that was a rhetorical question. Most of the time, you don't really want to know how the person is. Yes, sometimes you really do care and want to know. I am talking about MOST of the time. It has become a commonplace greeting in our society. First there is "hello" and then along comes one variation or another of "how are you", including howya doin?, what's happenin?, and my two more current favorites....waaaassssuuuuuuuuuup?, and the shortened version most used by teens today 'sup?

Only since I began having health problems did it really occur to me, how this question is misused. I no longer ask people how they are, unless I really WANT to know, and am willing to actually stop and listen to the answer. How are you, should not be asked as you pass a colleague in the hall, running off to a meeting. Nor should it be asked when it is obvious that someone isn't well, and you are not sympathetic.

Just a few weeks ago, I ran into my counsellor. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful man, and a very good counsellor. I saw him in my office (we work in the same department, but he's in another building). He looked right at me with a big smile and said
"Hi Tam, how are you?"
I just looked at him and said
"Hi R, are you asking because it's polite, or do you really want to know?"
He stopped for a second and said
Gee, I never thought of it that way, but yeah I was being polite.
I smiled again, and said
"Well, in that case I am just fine".

I felt quite proud of my discovery that most people really don't want to know how I am. Those that know me well, they already know how I am. They don't have to ask. They can tell by my demeanor, my body language, the look in my eyes, and the tone of my voice.

The other question really is....are they asking how I am physically? Or is it emotionally they are concerned about? To me, the two go hand in hand. If I am physically well, I can be emotionally well or unwell. But it seems to me, if I am doing poorly physically, well then obviously my emotional state is also not so good.

I don't think people consciously try to be rude when asking, and then continuing on walking right past me. This is how our society works. Many people are so concerned with themselves, that making time to actually care about someone else seems impossible.

From now on sisters, when someone asks me how I am, I plan to answer them honestly. I'm going to see how many people are just thrown for a loop, when I anwer with:

I'm tired and sore, and generally unwell, but thank you so much for asking.

I am having a sad day today. I had a conversation that really really upset me.

I am having to rethink many decisions I have made over the past couple of years. We all make choices every day. Some are bigger and more important than others. What do you do when you are unsure as to a decision.

Some choices could affect an entire life....or several. How do I interpret the signs I am being given? Is my current illness a sign to keep my life stable and comfy? OR is it a kick in the butt telling me to get out and make the most of my time on this earth?

I'm not too sure about my faith in G-d these days. I'm sorry sisters for those of you who put so much faith in G-d's hands. I just find myself questioning alot of things in my life these last few weeks. One of those things is religion, and my belief system.

I wish the great powers of the universe would just help me by giving me a hint. Am I meant to be living this life? OR is there something else out there for me?

just being philosophical I suppose.
I need a hug. Ok, I need several hugs.

love to all
Tam

Today I went to see my family doctor. I needed some prescriptions refilled, so I had to see her. Up until today I hadn't told her about any of the pain I've been having since the hyst. You may remember that prior to my diagnosis of endo, she was less than sympathetic and gave me naprosyn for what she called "just cramps".

Today in her office, I was near tears from the burning neverending pain I'm experiencing. The aching no longer is confined to my S-I joint area, but has spread so that the pain starts in my neck, and runs all the way down to my thighs. Both feet are affected, and my left arm is also affected now.

Dr. Ph had me stand up, and she pushed on several areas of my back, neck and arms. After she peeled me off the ceiling, she said...aah, just a bit tender huh? Gee, what gave it away? So, she told me....you've got a whole bunch of trigger points, and they're causing your whole body to hurt.

She explained that she is going to refer me to a physical medicine specialist, because she's pretty sure I have fibromyalgia/chronic myofascial pain syndrome. Eeeek.

I actually feel justified. This is what I've suspected all along. I have to see Dr. Mike on Friday, and I will tell him what Dr. Ph thinks. I will thank him for everything, but explain that I think that seeing this other specialist is the best thing for me to do right now. I need to do what is right for me.

Dr. Ph did not give me any more pain meds. To be honest, the percocet was only just taking the edge off. It never really did kill the pain. So, now I wonder what my next options are. I was told to increase my Elavil dose at night to help me get a deep sleep. This tends to help people with fibro, because many have sleep disorders which do not help with the pain cycles.

So....where do I go from here? There are several ladies here at HS who have sent pm's or emails or comments, and I thank you all. As I do some more research, and get a definitive diagnosis, I will hopefully be able to ask some more pointed questions.

Oh, and another thing. I asked Dr. Ph about my so called hot flashes. She said she's not surprised that I'd still be experiencing them. My ovaries were definitely jostled around alot, and could still be healing. She said to give it at least a few more months, but she did write me a requisition to have a hormone panel test done.

That's my latest update. Just thought I'd keep you all in the loop. You've all been such wonderful friends to me, all throughout this journey. When all else fails, I know I can come here and get my much needed s

A few weeks ago, I was at the cross stitch store, and was given a free pattern along with my purchase. Normally these free patterns are of designs that i wouldn't have any interest in. But this time was different. I was in purchasing some floss that I needed to finish Dee's bookmark.

When I got home and unpacked my stuff, the free pattern fell out of the bag, landing perfectly face up, and staring me straight in the face it seemed. The pattern was an angel. For some reason lately I am drawn to angels. The minute I finished Dee's gift, I knew I had to stitch this little cherubic angel. I finished it yesterday, and it is so beautiful. The strange thing is....when I looked at the pattern, it was all in black and white. Usually patterns come with a color picture of what the finished product will look like. For some reason, I just knew that this angel would be beautiful, and she is.

The picture is only about 6" square, but it captures the innocence of a childlike angel girl. Her wings are soft greens taupes and ecru. While her hair is a lovely blend of browns and dark yellows (like highlights). She is holding a lovely little pine tree (I suppose it's a Christmas tree). What surprised me most was how detailed and pretty her dress is. It's different shades of blue, from the lightest baby blue to a medium aqua shade. She has blue eyes, and is just so pretty. I think what really "made" this design is the delicate beadwork used to accent different areas. Her halo is not a true halo. It's actually diamond shaped beaded areas that are placed around her head....within her pretty hair.

There is more beadwork on the tree, which makes it sparkle. Finally, her dress is highlighted down the front, and around the neckline in beautiful clear crystal beads. I'm not sure what I will do with her once framed, but I think that I need to keep her close.

Yesterday, I was looking for free patterns online, and I came across Lavender and Lace....a company that specializes in extremely intricate designs of mermaids, angels, and other fantasy pictures. Every year since 1986, they have introduced a free pattern for the year's Christmas Angel. I downloaded and printed them all, and for some strange reason I feel a need to stitch some of them. I started on another one last night.

It seems strange that I am drawn to the angels. I am not a religious person by the general populations description. Although I am very spiritual. And I definitely believe in angels. Maybe this is someone's way of telling me that I have angels watching over me? Maybe someone I know is going to die.....and become an angel? Maybe someone I know just needs to know that they have their own angels. Doesn't matter I suppose. For now I will just stitch as many as I can.

It also dawned on me....I always call my ds my "angel boy". Not only is he a sweet, helpful, kind, caring, sensitive child, he is so special because I never believed I'd be a mother. To me, my little H is heaven sent, and that's why he's my angel. He's one of those children that seems to have an "old soul". Looking into his eyes, I see a person much older than his years.

Off I go to do some work, and then maybe work on my latest angel.

s

I feel that I need to apologize. The other day I wrote an entry that may have been misconstrued, and therefore I am so sorry.

I really wasn't thinking very clearly that day, and my emotions got the better of me. I in no way wanted to imply that any of the hostesses were negligent or uncaring in any way.

I appreciate this website and am thankful to Kathy for creating it. I also know that this site would not be what it is without the tireless caring Hostesses, and am thankful to all of them as well.

Again, I am sorry.
Love and s
Tam

Ladies
I thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers while my dh has been going through the recruiting process for Transit Operators.

Yesterday we found out....he got the job!!!



He starts at the end of November, and we couldn't be happier. I told him he could do it. He has so much self-doubt, but I've always believed he could be whatever he wanted to be!!!!

Yes, things will be tough for the first couple of years, as he will work all kinds of strange hours. But in the end, I am sure it will work out for the best.

Much love to you all

Tam

I posted this on the "Looking for Info" forum, but haven't recieved any replies yet. I'm hoping that maybe someone here in our wonderful Journalling community will read it, and have some clue as to what I'm going through, and would like to share their experience. If so, please pm me, or leave any comments you may have.

thanks so much ladies.

Hi Sisters
I am looking for help. For those of you who don't know my story...here is the summary:

- endo / adenomyosis / frozen pelvis (adhesions)
- constant back pain for several years...becoming unbearable at the start of 2004
-hysterectomy in June 2004
- back pain still there (although other pelvic pain cured)

- Dr. M in August (sports medicine) x-rays, bone scan clear. Rheumatoid factor +, other blood tests lead Dr. M to think I may have Rheumatoid arthritis...given percocet for pain

- Dr. B in October (rheumatologist)....do NOT have rheumatoid arthritis, but likely have Sjogren's syndrome, which has nothing to do with BACK PAIN. No other workup was done relating to soft tissue pain....just examination of low back and other joints.

- back to square one. Pain increasing, not just low back anymore. Now....diffuse pain from neck down to tops of thighs, along with wrist and elbow on left side. Feels as though every muscle is screaming, tight and burning

- This week....off to massage therapy. This therapist has been working with me for over 6 months trying to relieve pain. She tried a new therapy....myofascial release therapy, along with some deep massage of possible "trigger points" (her words not mine) Strange sensations including tingling of fingers (when she hit certain points in my shoulder area) Also, sharp pain in knee, while she hit points in my glutes.

Sweet mother of G-d did that feel great! As a matter of fact, 2 days later, I still feel looser than I usually do, and pain level is lower than usual.

I talked to a wonderful lady at work who is trying desperately to help me (she's a physiotherapist, who hooked me up with Dr. M). I asked her about Fibromyalgia and Chronic MyofasciAL PAIN, and she bluntly said that I was not in enough pain to have either of those problems.

Um....she also thinks that I only have pain in the S-I joints....that was my main concern at the beginning. Only recently have I started researching, and wondering if the pain throughout my body isn't SOFT TISSUE related, instead of BONE related. I know...I should explain all of the other pain to her. I just hate to be a bother. I feel so whiny all the time. Maybe I should just write down a list of all the symptoms that I do have, and give a copy to her and to Dr. M????

Sorry to be so long winded ladies, but I am looking for anyone with Fibro, or Myofascial pain who may want to share their experience with me. I am desperately looking for a diagnosis....as it's always easier for me to fight against something that has a "name" Also, if anyone happens to have Sjogren's syndrome, please share your experience with me.

Thank you my divine Sisters.
Much love
and s
Tam

A co-worker showed me this yesterday. It is copywrghted Oriah Mountain Dreamer from the book The Invitation. By the time I was finished reading it, the tears were streaming down my face. It is so very powerful, and it really touched me.

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with a wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Wow. I need to think on this a bit more, and then maybe I'll come back and expand on how I feel.

Have a wonderful day sisters

Well, I have had it with doctors. I give up. I do not have RA, instead I have something called Sjogren's Syndrome, which has absolutely NOTHING to do with the pain in my back.

Yay...Sjogren's syndrome causes dry eyes, dry mouth, and a host of other stuff. Ok, so now I have an explanation as to WHY I can't wear contact lenses, and have to drink water all day. It also explains the blood test results. But I'm still no further ahead having the pain dealt with.

Fine. I officially give up. I am now pretty sure that I will just have to learn to live with pain. Dr. B sees no reason that I can't exercise. Well, here's a reason.....MY BACK HURTS!!!!!! So, I suppose I am just going to start back at the gym doing light workouts. I'll just have to suck it up and work through the pain.

What other choice do I have?

A very frustrated sister

I think I mentioned before that I am being sent to a Rheumatologist to see if he can figure out what the heck is wrong with me. I was supposed to see him on Oct 28th, but his nurse called me yesterday. Apparently he has a cancellation for this morning at 10am....would I like that appt instead. Uh, YEAH!

I'm not quite sure what to think though. I'm wondering why they called ME to take the cancelled appt. I would think he would have current patients that would like to see him sooner if possible. Of course it worries me a bit. Did dr M tell Dr. B that it was important to see me as soon as he could???? Is my situation THAT worrisome? I need to stop panicking.

I'll update as soon as I get back from the appt.
Wish me luck

What a great weekend I had. Saturday was cold, but not toooo cold. We spent the day just hanging out together. I took ds out to the mall with me in the afternoon. Dh looked like he needed some quiet time, so ds and I left him home. We wandered around the mall, and I decided that I needed to go to Cotton Ginny to look for some jeans.

This is going to sound totally ridiculous, but for me, feeling good about myself usually involves having a really great pair of jeans on. Great jeans make me feel much sexier than a skirt and jacket! I was on a mission to find....get this.....low-rise stretch jeans in a plus/petite size. I was convinced it was Mission Impossible (insert soundtrack here). I love low rise jeans. I am really short waisted, so the low rise sit just below my actual waist. I have vowed never to wear jeans that don't have some stretch to them....ever again. The little bit of stretch helps them fit better, and it's easier to move, and you don't get that "binding" feeling as you do with regular jeans. I walked into Cotton Ginny....well, lo and behold they had exactly what I wanted. They had just recieved low rise jeans for the first time ever. They came in plus size.....AND they had petites!!!! Incredibly, it is usually assumed that if you are size 12 or over, you MUST be over 6 feet tall. That makes it difficult for my 5 foot 2 frame to find clothes to fit, especially since I've gained all this weight back.

So, I grabbed a size 16 and proceeded to the change room. Haha! I didn't even have to undo them! I pulled em on, and they promptly fell off! I'm not as big as I thought. I asked the sales lady to grab me a size 14 (plus) and a size 15 from the "regular" sizes. again. The 15 petite fits perfectly. So I bought the blue pair AND the black pair. I wasn't going to buy any clothes in this size, but I figure I won't be fitting back into my size 12s anytime soon, so I have to have SOMETHING to wear. So I wore them out on Saturday night, and I loved them. I feel very sexy in them....and dh did concur!

My ds was a perfect little angel. He came in the room with me while I tried on jeans, and just played quietly. He said "those look nice mom....you buy them ok?" How could I argue with that? SO, once I paid for them, I took him to his favorite kids store "A Child's Place". They have this wonderful wooden train/road track set up for the kids to play with. It's a Thomas the Tank Engine set worth a small fortune. So, we walked around to look at all the cool toys (lots of educational stuff), and then we played with the train set for a good half hour. Finally, we decided to leave. Unlike every other child there, he did NOT put up a fuss kicking, screaming and crying when I told him it was time to go. He just came along with me and said "that was fun mom, can we go play again tomorrow????" I giggled and told him "maybe". He's such a good kid.

Sunday we went to get ds a Halloween costume. With almost everything, I put limitations on what we can buy, and how much stuff ds gets. But for Halloween, all bets are off, and he can have whatever costume he wants. I was willing to buy him a costume at the Disney Store if that's what he wanted. Instead we went to our local Thrift Store which is known for it's Halloween displays and costumes. The costumes are all new, and they have a huge selection, along with wigs, makeup, decorations and all the accessories you could possibly want. We went through all the costumes, and ds decided he wanted to be a ninja. Luckily there were 2 ninja costumes left....red and black. He chose the red. And guess what? It was only $10

Of course the cross stitch store is right across the parking lot, and I had to run in "just for a sec" to get "one thing of floss". Uh-huh. I have never in my life spent just "a sec" in a cross stitch store. I did get the floss I needed, but of course a finished peice on the wall caught my eye. It was a beautiful little angel. It turns out that there are 12 angels in the collection. I ended up buying 2 patterns. I will start on them as soon as I am finished the "cherub" I am working on now.

Monday morning was like any other Monday. That is except for the fact that ds was very upset. He was coughing that deep croupy cough that sounds like a seal barking. He wouldn't eat his breakfast, and was coughing so hard he was turning bright red. He felt a little feverish, so I decided to take a Family Responsibility day and stay home with him. He REALLY wasn't feeling well at all. We spent the day curled up on the couch. He watched movies while I cross stitched. He must have finished off an entire 2 liters of apple juice, but just didn't want to eat. That was kinda good, because I figured with coughing that hard, the food was unlikely to stay down anyway.

This morning he was feeling a bit better, so I loaded him up with cough syrup and sent him off to daycare and school. I'm sure if he's not feeling well, they will call me to pick him up. I'm sure he'll be fine.

Hope you all had a great weekend too

Good morning sisters
Thank you all so much for the wonderful birthday wishes. Unfortunately it was really icky out on the actual day, so instead of going out, we went home an I made the yummiest "pita pizzas". They were soooo good! My ds presented me with a beautiful calendar for next year. I really love these calendars called "The Witches Calendar". I don't consider myself a witch (well, ok before I've had my first cup of coffee some would argue) I actually love it because it shows all of the astrological events that I want to know about....solstices, equinoxes, phases of the moon, and all that stuff. It also has a lot of interesting info about the ancient celts and druids, etc. It was a wonderful gift.

My dh gave me the perfect present! It's a gift certificate for my favorite salon/spa. I've been wanting to get "gel nails" again, as I haven't had them for ages. First I wanted the Rheumatologist "Dr. B" to see my fingernails.

Or, I could always use the certificate to have my hair colored. I have the most wonderful hair stylist/colorist. First...she's about 25, 5 foot 10, 110 pound soaking wet, blonde, pretty, and obnoxious (normally just the person I'd love to hate especially when I see her scarfing back donuts and iced cappucinos. Her name is Mary, and I've been seeing her for about 3 years. You already know about my "hair paranoia". Finding a new hairdresser is more stressful to me than finding a new investment broker, real estate agent, or lawyer! I liked Mary immediately. I had walked into the salon she works in, just out of the blue, hoping there was someone there who was good with curly hair. The receptionist said Mary would be perfect, and she went back to get her. Out bounced this very bubbly hairdresser, in a short skirt and 3 inch heels (how does one stand in those all day???). She took one look at me, and we introduced ourselves. She came right up and started running her fingers through my hair (ok, until they got stuck at a knot). Then she started playing with it, pulling it up, poofing it, you know. She giggled as she said "I think I can work with this, as long as you don't want me to cut it short. Uh HELL no! I want it as long as possible. Good....we made an appointment the next week, and I haven't let anyone else near my head with scissors since! She is the kind of professional, who won't let me leave the salon unless I look "perfect". She has actually re-done a color twice because she didn't like her original placement of highlights. Luckily I don't mind spending half the day in the salon! She seems to have a knack with color. I don't even remember what my natural hair color really is, but she seems to come pretty close (when I compare it to older pictures of me). She even does these wonderful highlights using foils instead of that stupid cap! I can't believe I've babbled on this long about my stupid hair!!!!

Saturday, as per family tradition, my family took me out for dinner. Every year I get to choose where my birthday dinner is going to be. We went for seafood. I totally cheated on the vegetarian thing, but I figure hey....it's my BIRTHDAY!!! I ate tons of shrimp, and loved every minute of it. That is until the next morning. I felt so ill....not just from the meat, but more likely from all the butter, oil, and fat that I ate. My tummy was NOT happy with me. We went back to my parent's house for cake....mmmmm, banana split cake with real whipped cream.

My grandparents gave me a gift certificate to Cotton Ginny....my favorite store. And my brother and SIL gave me a gift card from Chapters. SIL was so sweet....she told me to use it to buy myself a new vegetarian cookbook. She had been looking for one to buy for me, but realized that there were way too many to choose from.....so she's letting me choose one. I had told everyone before my birthday that I really didn't want any "gifts". The greatest gift they can give me, is to show up at dinner, and spend some time with me. My ds absolutely adores my brother, so he was in his glory playing with uncle "M". By the time we had finished cake at my mom's, it was after 9pm. Ds was getting cranky as it was waaaaay past his bedtime. We said goodnight, and went home to put our little "monkey" to bed, and so dh could put on something "stretchy". I think he ate too much! It was a wonderful birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!

What the heck is up with this??? There are actually giant snow flakes falling from the sky. If it were rain, then it would be a huge thunderstorm with pelting raindrops. But nooooooo, it has to snow on my BIRTHDAY!!!! It is a rule with anyone who knows me....it is not allowed to snow until AFTER my birthday. I would prefer that it just snow Christmas eve, and then melt on boxing day. Apparently, I am living in the wrong city for that! Even by Winnipeg standards, this is ridiculous.

I wasn't going to mention that it's my birthday, but I wanted to capture the sweet thing that my ds did this morning. He snuck into the bedroom, crawled in bed with me, snuggled right up to me, and sang HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.....and about 15 more times after that. Then he held my face in his little hands and gave me a big smooch right on the lips. Even with morning breath, my wonderful boy still wants to smooch his mommy! Aaawwwww...nearly brought me to tears. We snuggled a few minutes, and then it was time to roll out of bed. I could have been quite happy staying right there for another hour, but alas, I must work for a living!

It's funny, I didn't really tell anyone at work it was my birthday, but I had phone calls from several colleagues that work in different areas, just teasing me that I must be what? at least 28 today? I also received several e-cards, even one from my friend Deedee! I was not expecting them at all. My mom called, and my brother called....both sang me happy birthday on the phone. I also had a couple of old friends call me!

You just don't realize how many people care about you, until either you are sick, or it's your birthday! I even got taken out to lunch! Not to mention I get free hugs all day!!!!

Dh told me this morning that he would take me out to dinner after work as well. But with the snow, we will have to see if the roads are icy or not. I'm quite happy with all of the blessings I've already recieved, today, and every day. There is no need for birthday gifts, or dinner, or anything else. I am having a wonderful day.

As you all know, my health issues have got me down. In true form, I have read everything I can get my hands on that relates to autoimmune responses in the body. I’ve learned that endometriosis, and type II diabetes are now thought to be autoimmune diseases, as is Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Everything I’ve read suggests that a vegetarian diet that is low in fat, high in complex carbs, can help to calm the body’s immune system. They also suggest several “supplements”. I tried the supplements, and stupid me started on Evening Primrose Oil, Flax Seed Oil, and Omega 3 Wild Salmon Oil, along with Vitamin E and a multi vitamin. After several days of that, lo and behold, I broke out in hives. Within a couple of hours, I was beginning to look like the Elephant Man with welts everywhere. Not only did I look horrid, but hives are sooooo itchy! You should have seen me doing the “I can’t reach that spot in the middle of my back dance”.

I stopped taking all the supplements, and miraculously within a few days, the reaction stopped. Note to self…..do NOT start taking a bunch of unknown substances until you are sure that you aren’t allergic to any of them. Now I might slowly introduce each one separately to see which one caused the reaction.

I went through the entire Thanksgiving dinner without eating one bite of meat. for me. Ok I cheated a bit, because I had to have gravy on my mashed potatoes. I only eat gravy twice a year…Thanksgiving and Christmas….and that’s because I don’t have to MAKE the gravy. The truth is, I don’t know how to make gravy.

On the hyster front....I am feeling quite good. I do have a bit of a pulling sensation in my abdomen today. It's not really painful, just strange. It could be that I overdid it on Monday with jumping on my trampoline. I've decided that the scar massage is really painful, so I am going to try to do it every second day instead of every day.

I finally weighed myself this morning. It's bad. Although it's not as bad as I thought. Since February, I've gained 30 pounds. BUT, I've now started to eat much healthier foods, with the emphasis being on veggies, grains, and beans. Once I've seen the Rheumatologist, I will ask him what type of exercise program I can start. My spirits are up, and I'm no longer feeling totally hopeless.

This is my life, and I will live it as I see fit. I will not stop fighting against whatever disease process is going on in my body now. This is only another hurdle, and I will get over it.

Guess what I did this weekend???? I yes I, taught my ds to ride his bike. Forget the helmet and knee pads, and wrist guards, and “plastic bubble” they expect you to put on kids every time they walk out the door! I am the world’s biggest klutz, and I managed to survive through to adulthood, having NEVER worn a helmet to ride a bicycle or roller skate, (or play hockey for that matter). So…..I got him on the bike, and realized….there’s something wrong with this picture….the poor kid’s knees were up around his ears! No wonder he couldn’t push the pedals. So, I marched off to find a wrench and raise the seat. Ok, seat raised….can’t find Allen keys to raise handle bars. I call dad….he will bring keys tomorrow. In the meantime, I plop ds on the seat, and EXPLAIN calmly that he has to bend his ankle a bit in order to get the right “push” on the pedals. Uh…..yeah….ok, got it! He’s MOVING!!! ds….great job….look at you go!!!! Ooooops FENCE!!! I suppose I should have mentioned both “turning” and “stopping” before he got moving too fast. Ah, hindsight. Long story short….my ds can now ride his 2-wheeler. Yeah, it still has the training wheels on, but at least he’s no longer afraid of the silly bike!!!!

I am the proudest mommy in the world

I have probably mentioned it a few times here in my journal. I love tattoos. I always have. My dh has a couple and I have 3. The last one I had done was a 30th birthday present from my dh. It runs from my knee to my hip on my left side. Yeah, it's huge, but I love it. I had the whole thing completely finished in one sitting. Five freaking hours straight. Obviously nobody can EVER tell me I don't have a high pain tolerance.

Dh and I were discussing his upcoming 40th birthday, and I offered to give him a new tattoo to add to his collection. We had been tossing around the idea of a celtic arm band for quite some time. He has Irish ancestry, so I thought it would be fitting.

Well, as I searched online for a design for dh's arm, of course I stumbled across something that jumped out at me. It is a celtic design called "a Mother's Love". Now of course since I became a mother in a non-conventional way, I've wanted to do something to symbolize the bond that exists and grows between my beautiful son and I. Did I mention I am VERY into symbolism? Long story short - this design incorporates two hearts one of the mother, and a smaller one inside which grows from the same line as the mother's heart. Within the hearts is celtic knotwork which I have always loved due to its symmetry. I want to make the tattoo my own by somehow incorporating ds's initial H into the design. I want to have this one placed on my wrist, and then have a small band going around my wrist like a bracelet. I will also have to incorporate both H's favorite color, and mine. Hmmmm how badly do orange and purple clash?????

So, I have no idea what dh is getting for his birthday, but at least I'm set!!! Who ever said it's not all about me???????

It's all about me! Deal with it!

I went for my monthly massage on Saturday. Yes ladies....we all deserve pampering, and for me an hour long deep tissue massage is just the thing. Some would NOT call it pampering, as this type of massage HURTS! Ever hear of "Hurts sooooo Good"? Well that's the only way I can describe it. The therapist (who I LOVE) is amazing. I've tried several different therapists, and this one is just perfect for me.

Because of the issues with my low back and S-I joints, all of the muscles and ligaments from the tops of my thighs, right up to my waist are very tight. I also have a lot of very tender "trigger points" which really hurt when they are pressed on. During the massage, she knows exactly where each little knot is, and works at them until they release. It is amazing. I actually feel so relaxed while she's hurting me! How silly is that??? I find that after a treatment I need to go home and have a nap.

This time she showed me how to "unstick" my hysterectomy scar from the underlying tissues. It is already obvious that the scar is adhered, because my belly kinda has a little overhang, which I NEVER had, even when I was really heavy. The problem is that the adhered area can't move!

Ladies....this technique is called myofascial release. And a word to the wise. It really hurts! No, I am not some kind of sado-masochist, but I've always subscribed to the "no pain no gain" theory. Anyway....what you have to do is....pinch the skin above and below the incision together between your thumb and forefinger. Keep doing this all the way down the scar. There is another technique that I can't do myself as it's awkward. As I lay on the massage table....she put both thumbs on my skin above and below the scar, and then put pressure on as she stretched the skin (yes it sounds horrible, and yes it hurts). But it is the only way to release and break up the scar tissue. This therapy needs to be done daily (she made me promise to do it by myself, or get dh to do it ). According to Amber (the massage therapist) you've got about a year from the time the scar is healed, to break up that tissue.

I am sure that if anyone is interested, you can talk to a local licenced remedial massage therapist and they can show you how to properly do it.

I have done it once since Saturday. I really have to make a conscious effort to do it daily, if I ever want this belly thing to disappear!

This has already been a crazy week, and it's only Thursday. After a wonderful weekend spent with my "guys", along came Monday to screw things up.

I had to take my van in for an oil change and winterization, and routine maintenance. Well, what should have been under $100 turned into a $600 bill. It seems that all of the fluid systems needed to be flushed, AND my front brakes needed to be replaced. To top it all off, there is something wrong with the steering rack thingy, and that will cost about $700 to fix. It never fails. I am incapable of owning a vehicle that doesn't cost me a fortune.

Tuesday I was all dressed and ready to leave for work, when ds started crying and clutching his tummy. After he puked on me, I realized that he probably had the flu. So, off I went to change clothes, and my mom came to stay with him while I went to the office to get some work to bring home. My poor little guy....puking and pooping all day. BUT....the one good thing is that he likes to cuddle with me when he's not feeling well.

Wednesday Dr. M got me in to have a bone scan. Gee, that was fun. First they inject radioactive stuff into your arm, and then you leave for 3 hours while the radioactivity makes its way to your bones. Then, they expected me to lie flat on my back for 45 minutes while a strange camera thing took pictures from all angles. Ummm, if I could lie flat on my back for ANY length of time, I probably wouldn't NEED a stinkin bone scan!!!!! Dr. M seems to think that there may indeed be a problem in the bones that hasn't shown up on a conventional x-ray. Who knows?

Dr. M's office also called to tell me that I am scheduled to see a rheumatologist on Oct. 28th. That's alot sooner than I expected! I was sure I'd have to wait at least 3 months. Hopefull Dr. B can figure out what the heck is wrong with me.

Good news on dh's job front. He just found out that the Transit people are phoning his references! I am assuming that if they weren't interested in hiring him, then they wouldn't bother to call his references. I am so excited for him. Keep the good thoughts coming for my dh!

That's about it for now....
later sisters

I just returned from my latest visit with Dr. M. At the moment, he is a bit stumped....not surprising considering I've always been a "difficult patient".

Now, Dr. M is unsure as to whether I have RA, or another type of inflammatory arthritis. He is going to schedule me for a bone scan to take a closer look at the S-I joint. Also, he has decided to refer me to a Rheumatologist. Somehow, I knew that would happen. Now I just wonder how long it will take to get an appointment with such a specialist. It is not uncommon to wait 6 months to see a specialist here in Winnipeg. There is a major Doctor shortage here. Dr. M's office will phone me with the details of the appointments, whenever they get around to scheduling them.

I suppose it does make me feel justified, in that Dr. M does fully admit that there is something "wrong" with me. Unfortunately, it is not something "simple" to treat. That is ok. I am so used to doctors poking and prodding at me, so what is one more to add to my "health care team".

I have another migraine today. I had one on Monday, and now I've got another one. I think it's the constantly changing weather patterns around here. I don't usually get them more than a couple of times a month, so this is strange for me. I wish I could use meds like Imitrex. That stuff is supposed to work wonders for migraines. I took it once when it first came out, and I felt like I was having a heart attack. Thus, no more imitrex for me I've just taken some ibuprofin, and I think I will go and lay down in the "sick room" for a bit.

TGIF

So, I think we are actually going to do it. Dh and ds are on board, and we are going to be trying a new vegetarian lifestyle. No, I don't plan to do it all at once. I've got meat in the freezer that needs to be used up! There is no way in heck that I am going to just "ignore" boneless, skinless chicken breasts, with what I paid for them

I've also decided that going totally vegan is far beyond what I am currently able to do. I don't think I'd be able to stick to that program. Instead, we will still eat dairy and eggs, but no meat. In other words....I won't eat anything with a "face".

My grocery shopping trip this weekend was an adventure. For once I actually took my time and read labels, and paid careful attention to what I was buying. New products were placed in my cart, with every intention of being adventurous. I bought chocolate soy milk. You know what? It's really good. I put it in my cereal yesterday, and it tasted great. I stocked up on canned beans and lentils which are easier and just a nutritious as the dried form. My fridge is currently full of fresh veggies and fruit.

I had a talk with ds over the weekend. The last couple of months, it has become more and more difficult to find things that he will eat. Lunch time is no problem, as I fill his bag with all kinds of healthy food. Supper time though, always seems to be a struggle. He has now informed me that he doesn't like chicken or fish or pork. Ok, perfect....that fits in just great with what we are trying to do here. He does however love his hotdogs. I've explained over and over again why he can't eat hotdogs every day!

So, instead of arguing with my ds over what he's going to eat, I will just present him with whatever is on the menu for supper. If he chooses not to eat the entree, then I will provide him with fresh veggies and fruit to eat. He would live on cucumbers, carrots and watermelon if I let him!

I really don't think that I will miss eating meat. I don't eat much of it now as it is. I've just really never had much of a taste for it. There are a few things I will miss....like seafood. mmmmm, lobster! But I know that I am doing this for my own health, and hoping that it will at least make me feel somewhat better.

At the moment, I am still weaning off my prednisone, as it is doing nothing but make my face break out!!! I feel like I'm 16 again! I wonder what drug Dr. M will try next to get this inflammation under control. I just want the pain to stop....is that too much to ask? It is absolutely ridiculous that I've been suffering for this long.

I'm going to phone Dr. M this morning to see if he can prescribe some percocet just until I can see him again on Friday to discuss next steps in treating the RA. I've been without any pain relief for far too long now. Although I have discovered one thing.....sex is a great analgesic Or is it just that I FORGET for awhile that my back hurts????

I don't know if any of you watched the Maria Shriver special last night. It was the first public interview that Siegfried and Roy have done since Roy's terrible accident one year ago.

I have to admit....ever since I was a little girl, I have been fascinated with these 2 amazing men and their menagerie of beautiful exotic animals. Normally, I am so against any kind of animal exploitation....I refuse to take my son to a circus, and I get weepy when I go to the zoo. But for some reason, the way these two men have bonded with their animals, it is beyond belief.

I have often thought that if I could have one wish, it would be to go and live with Siegfried and Roy for about a month, just to hang out with the lions and tigers (and bears...oh my????). To be able to run and play with a 400 pound tiger, or lay in bed, with a cheetah at your feet? What could be more spiritual or beautiful?

All I can say is that it is a true miracle that Roy did survive the accident. I do believe it was an accident, and that if Monticor the tiger had WANTED to hurt or kill Roy, he could have torn his head off in about 1 second. Roy described what happened to make Monticor behave as he did, and it sounded perfectly reasonable to me. Monticor thought Roy was in trouble and needed help (Roy believes he had a mini stroke, and that's why he fell next to Monticor). So, the tiger merely picked him up, and dragged him off stage, and was headed for his cage....where it was safe.

I swear I was in tears almost the entire hour (hormones maybe???). Not only am I truly astounded at Roy's spirit, and determination, but I am touched by the beauty in his heart. He still lives every day as though it is a gift. The relationship between Siegfried and Roy is absolutely heartwarming. Siegfried said something that just made the tears flow even harder.

"If Roy cannot use his left hand again, then I shall be his left hand"

Those two lives are so intertwined that it seems that there cannot be one without the other. If there were more relationships in this world like the one that they have (gay, straight, whatever....doesn't matter to me), the world would be a much better place.

So, enough of my feeling sorry for myself, when I still have the ability to walk, and use both hands, and speak and ride a bicycle, and do most of the things I need to do to get through the day. Yes, I am in pain.....but from now on when I start getting down, and thinking "poor me", I will think of Roy Horne, and the agony that he goes through every day at his physical therapy. I will think of the support that he gets from his partner every minute of every day, and strive to make that type of relationship in my own life, with my own partner.

Please join me in praying that Roy continues to improve, and continues to fill the world with joy.

pass the tissues please....

I am back from my lovely jaunt to Northern Manitoba. Unfortunately there were cloudy skies the other night, so I couldn't see any Northern Lights. There was actually a skiff of snow on the ground when I looked outside around 10pm. EEEEK, now I remember why I like living more "south". September is far too early for snow.

I've been taking my prednisone for about 6 days now, and have seen absolutely no improvement. So, I talked to Dr. M yesterday, who said I should have seen SOME type of results - like pain reduction already. Since I actually feel worse (probably due to not taking ANY pain meds including a tylenol since I started the steroid), he suggested that I start tapering off. Now I have to see him again next week, to discuss other options.

Once again, I see I am going to be one of those "difficult" patients, who only respond to some obscure combination of medications. In the meantime, I get to suffer.....quietly. I'm sure all of you know just how difficult it is to try to work full time, run a household, be a mom, friend, daughter, etc when you are always in pain.

I wonder if I could hibernate till spring? I am so exhausted.

Hi sisters
Before I dash off to the airport to catch a flight to the North Pole (ok, I exagerate but it's 4 degrees celcius where I'm going!!!) I thought I'd let you know this.

Dee's husband J called last night, and Dee came through surgery very well, and her surgeon said everything went beautifully.

I'll keep ya posted if I hear any more.

Back on Wednesday!

I wanted to add something after I read your comments (((Jeanette))). In typical Tam fashion, once I was diagnosed with RA, I decided that I needed to learn everything I need to know about this disease, and ways to treat it. Friday night and part of Saturday I sat here at the computer pulling up website after website, devouring every tidbit of information that I could.

There was a lot to learn on the net, but I was also confronted by at least 10 sites in which the site author was known to have the magical cure for RA. Uh-huh....and here's some snake oil for you....and oh yeah....swampland in Florida too! Blah blah blah.

Tired of sorting through the net based stuff, I headed off to the library on Saturday. I had to promise my son that if he would just wait patiently while mommy found some books, then we could go downstairs to the kids section and find him some books and maybe a video. Note to self....my definition of "a few minutes" is VERY different from my darling boy's! I did manage to find a couple of books on Arthritis in general. They are more geared towards osteoarthritis, but they do have sections on the Rheumatoid type. Then again, osteo sometimes becomes a long-term effect of Rheumatoid. But I digress....

What I wanted to say was that I have already finished one book, and am halfway through another which explains how nutrition contributes to the way we feel pain. For those that have been in chronic pain for a very long time (over 3 months), sometimes it is difficult to get the body to settle itself down to heal. Being a very big proponent of "alternative healing", I decided to put some of the theories into practice. Paying close attention to the sections which talk about "inflammatory diseases" like RA, lupus, athsma, etc, I have learned that there are several supplements that can be taken to boost the body's anti-inflammatory response. They are Vitamin E, Flaxseed oil, and Evening Primrose oil. Along with those I've started a daily multi-vitamin.

Don't worry ladies....when I went to the Pharmacy to get all my new anti-inflammatory stuff, I took a huge list of all of my medications, their doses, and the dosing schedule, along with a list of all the supplements I was planning to buy. We went to a reputable pharmacy, which I know is pro "natural healing". A wonderful pharmacist came over to ask if I needed any help. Well....as a matter of fact YES! BTW When was the last time you actually had a pharmacist get down off their high perch (why must they be up so high, as compared to where the customers are?) to come and ask if you need any help?

Anyway.....Mr. Pharmacist looked over my lists and asked why I wanted to start the supplements. I told him I'd just been diagnosed with RA, and had been doing extensive research about the anti-inflammatory properties of some natural sourced oils. He agreed, and said that these were all fine to take, and would not interfere with my current pharmacopoeia (sp?). He also brought out some Zostrix (tm) cream which is a topical capsaicin (hot pepper) creme. I'd read about that too. It seems to block one of the pain chemicals (substance P) which carries "pain messages" to the brain. I've tried it a couple of times so far, and will continue for the next few weeks. I figure every little bit helps.

Another thing I've been reading about is the role of our everyday diets in how different "pain mechanisms" are set off. I'd read about a similar diet in a book on Healing Endometriosis through Nutrition. Can't remember the Author, or exact title right now, so I'll leave it at that. Many of my "health issues" I believe stem from my immune system being completely out of whack. Why? I have no idea, but the current theory is that there are many things that I eat that may be triggering this out of control inflammatory response. So, what foods do I need to give up? Pretty much every food I like! The books seem to suggest that a vegan diet which is very low in fat, and very high in both complex carbs and fiber, CAN help the body heal, and reverse the symptoms.

Seriously ladies....I am actually considering trying it. Even if the prednisone does work....it's not something I want to stay on long term. I'd rather try other methods. And, according to the research, many of my other issues may be helped by changing the way I eat. For me, giving up meat is not a big deal. Ok, I'll miss chicken. Giving up dairy is going to be difficult, as Ice Cream is my favorite food group. I haven't really made any decisions as of yet if I will really try this. I think I've tried everything else I can think of for alternative treatments to rid my body of pain. Heck, I even had a HYSTERECTOMY!!!! I'm still happy I had that, because now my uterine cramps are gone! Unfortunately the back pain didn't go too. But at least now I know why I am hurting so much, and having a diagnosis vindicates me, and I now know I am not "imagining things, having psychogenic pain, or just depressed". I'm going to stick my tongue out at my shrink next time I see him, and give him a big "I told you so" *punch*

I suppose that in time, I will accept this condition as I have so many others in this life. I know there's a lesson in here somewhere, and I'll continue to search for it. I think I've already found one reason. My surgeries, and this latest crisis, really have shown me just how much my dh loves me, and how much he really intends to be there for me....no matter what. I could just him right now, but he's at work. Maybe I'll go smooch a peice of paper and leave it on his pillow with a note.

Aaaaaw....aren't I sweet?
love you ladies

Hello my Divine Sisters
I was going to apologize for my last journal entry, for maybe being a bit hard on G-d and blaming him for my health issues. Then I thought about it, and reread the entry. No, I will NOT apologize for it, I will not delete it, and I will not make it private. For that is exactly what I was feeling when I wrote it, and that is the purpose of a journal right?

The one thing I will apologize for is if I insulted anyone for being so harsh in my words about G-d. I know there are many Sisters here who are religious, and put much faith in Him. So, for that I will apologize.

Now on to thanking everyone for your comments in my last entry. Terri, Rosanne, Moonchime, Audrey, Emily, flopsy, icare4bunnies, and jeanette thank you all so very much. When I looked at what you all had to say, I realized just how much I adore you all. Your words of wisdom about the arthritis, as well as about my ability to be a good mom really did touch my heart.

Emotionally I am no longer crying and freaking out. I stopped taking all pain medication as of last Thursday night and started the prednisone on Friday night. Needless to say it was not a pleasant weekend. Apparently it takes a few days for the stuff to kick in. I spent most of the weekend with my heating pad, on the couch. But I did manage to get out walking around for a bit both days. I haven't felt much pain relief yet. My shoulder is maybe a bit better. I did notice that I wasn't quite as stiff when I got out of bed this morning....I am hoping that is a good sign.

I have to go up North tomorrow morning to teach a class. Unfortunately they have changed the airline schedule. I used to be able to fly up in the morning, and then fly home on the 6pm flight back to Winnipeg. But nooooo, they had to change it. Now I have to stay overnight, and fly back Wednesday afternoon. What a huge waste of time. I have to fly about 1300km north, to teach a 3 hour class, and then not fly back home till then next day. By the time I get back, it will not be worth it to go back into my office, so that's two wasted work days. Oh well, at least I'm not footing the bill

I must go eat breakfast now, so I can take my prednisone.

Just returned from Dr. M's office, and I am a complete wreck, and can't stop crying.

I definitely have one of the "inflammatory arthritis" conditions....most likely rheumatoid. The only treatment for me right now is to try prednisone. Gee what fun. I get to take a drug that has a list of side effects longer than my arm. Oh....and the best effect of all is that not only am I fat, but now I get to retain water and swell up like a freaking blowfish. So, with the 8 prednisone pills, on top of the 8 other pills I take every day, I need a bigger freaking pill container!

I am totally pathetic. I'm 33 years old, and I take more medication every day than your average 75 year old heart patient.

Yeah G-d I'm real impressed with you right now. If you're trying to prove a point to me, well I gotta admit....I think I'm missing something here. What OTHER diseases can ya smite me with? This one has no cure. Ok, I'm doomed to an entire lifetime of pain. Yippee. Can't wait to go on just like this.

If the prednisone doesn't help then I tell ya what G-d....you WIN! OK? Because I've about reached the end of my pain tolerance here. I haven't taken any pain meds in 24 hours, and it seems like every nerve in my entire body is screaming. If this is my life.....then truly, I'm no longer interested.


I'm editing this to add the following:

Oh, and by the way G-d....how is this fair to my precious 5 yr old son huh? Yes, you blessed my life by bringing him into the lives of my dh and I. But does this precious little boy DESERVE to be living with a mother who is so constantly sick and tired and hurting? Why would you do that to him? Had I known I would be this sick just a few years after adopting him....I would have let him be adopted by a mom who could be more active and run and jump and play with him. That has got to be the hardest thing in the world for me to say, because I love this child with everything I have. I'm having a real hard time here...understanding the logic.

Sorry ladies you may wonder why I spell the Allmighty's name with a - instead of an o in the middle. Well, it's a Jewish thing. We're not supposed to write His name out. I can't remember why.

When I woke this morning, it was still early. It was very dark in the room, and a lovely cool (ok, downright cold) breeze (ok...it was wind) was blowing in my open window. As I turned over in bed, the first thing I thought was.....oh my! It smells like FALL! Now, I know I can't be the ONLY person who smells the seasons! I don't know if I've written about this in my journal before, so if I'm repeating myself, then just bear with me.

I LOVE autumn. Here in Winnipeg (Southern Manitoba....about 1.5 hours north of Grand Forks, ND) we definitely have 4 distinct seasons. Autumn has always been my favorite. Winter here is VERY cold, and it seems to be dark all the time. It's dark when I arrive at work, and it's getting dark when I go home. We spend alot of time indoors, and those days where it's brisk and sunny without a huge windchill are few and far between. Winter is very pretty, especially when you awake to a day with everything coated in hoar frost, and the sun glistening off every surface. I love going out and building snowmen with ds, or snowball fights...me and ds against dh! WE always win! When we re-enter the warm cozy house after playing out in the snow, everyone looks so healthy (ok, after we wipe our runny noses). I love the look of red rosy cheeks!

I have fond memories of winter growing up. My dad used to travel alot for work, but I do remember, when he was home, he was all ours! Dad used to love winter, as he grew up in England....not much for winter. Anyway....I fondly remember tobogganing and ice skating, and hockey, and snowball fights, and building snow forts, and building an ice slide in the back yard. All this, with dad, my brother, and a few other neighborhood kids. I will always remember going down the huge toboggan run on the sled with my dad. I felt so safe and yet so scared!!! It was soooo fast! Whenever we finished playing outside, we would always race into the house, because my mom always made the BEST hot cocoa in the world (she still does). She'd help us out of our soaking wet clothes and get us into dry ones. And then we'd gather around the kitchen table for our hot cocoa, and mom's homemade baking of some sort. Her cookies still rock!

Forgive me while I ramble on and on....but I'm taking a "time out" from ds and dh. I need my "alone time".

Ok, so on to spring. Near the end of winter.....usually March or April up here, every now and then we will have a "warm-ish" day. In the air, I can smell spring. How do I describe the smell? It smells warm. It smells damp (all the puddles and wet leaves and grass). It smells dusty (from all of the sand and grit they put on our roads for traction all winter). Spring is when the days get longer. We Winnipeggers finally come out of our "winter blahs" and start to feel alive again. The days get longer, and the promise of summer comes along with the sun.

Summer....how can I describe summer? This is not a popular stance, but I am really not fond of summer. It is just toooooo HOT! I do NOT like the heat. I am really temperature sensitive, and I hate sweating! I also have a phobia about insects. Of course in our lovely hot summer weather, we have a variety of insects. Mosquitoes are awful, and now there is the threat of West Nile Virus. Oh well, whatever will be will be! I coat my ds in sunscreen and bug repellant every time we are outside! Summer also has a very distinctive smell. At the end of May you can usually catch a whiff of summer in the air. It smells warm, and dry. There is a hint of flowers and budding trees. The smell of the grass awakening from its winter slumber also creeps in.

Ahhhhh Autumn. It is the most beautiful time of the year. The temperatures are perfect for me....nice and cool. It is usually really sunny, but cool. I love the colors, the smells and the sounds of Fall. In my parent's backyard there is an Ohio Buckeye tree. Apparently there is no way that an Ohio Buckeye can grow in this climate. Well, nobody told the tree that. Since we moved into that house when I was 8 years old, I have loved that tree. It was maybe my height when I first saw it....maybe 5 feet tall. Now it is about 15 feet tall and is absolutely beautiful. The tree turns bright red in the fall, and these really cool chestnuts grow on it. The squirrels love it! So, between the beauty of the colors, and the weather and the clothes....(who doesn't love fall clothes?), I am usually at my peak creativity in the fall. It is a time of new beginnings for me. School always starts in September, so when I take on new projects, I like to start them in fall. I am at my happiest between September and November, before the chilly winds remind me that winter is on the way.

I think that now is the time to start thinking about goal setting for between now and Christmas time. I'm going to really think about it for the rest of the day.....what can I accomplish in the next3.5 months? I'll get back to you all on that.

Hope you're all having a wonderful labour day, my dear sisters.

Bear with me sisters...I've not felt like writing the past couple of days. I thank you all for the wonderful wishes and congratulations that you all sent for my dh. He is so excited about this interview. I haven't seen him this pumped up for something in a very long time.

On to a less happy topic. I got a phone call from Dr. PoopyHead on Friday. You remember....the one who said I shouldn't need any pain medication because nothing showed up on the x-rays? Well, it appears that there IS something going on with me, and Dr. PH wanted to be sure I followed up with Dr. M next week.

I have high levels of uric acid and I test positive for Rheumatoid factor. What does this mean? It could mean a number of things. Uric acid is usually an indicator for Gout, which is a type of arthritis, normally striking in the lower extremities. It is most pronounced in the big toe. So, I of course went online to research this condition. It doesn't sound like I have this, as the symptoms are different than what I'm dealing with. The one way to tell for sure is to do a needle biopsy of the synovial fluid. That would mean Dr. M sticking a needle into my big toe joint and removing some of the fluid. A pathologist then examines it to check for uric acid crystals. It's a long shot, but hey, I'm willing to do anything to find out what is causing me pain.

The other test result has me a bit concerned. Rheumatoid factor can be indicative of several autoimmune diseases, including rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, and scleraderma. I did my research, and it seems that I do have many signs of rheumatoid arthritis. But I have to wait until Wednesday to see Dr. M. I am guessing that he will want to run some more tests. If this is actually what I'm dealing with, then I've got a battle on my hands.

I just wonder what's next for me. Why must it always be ME who gets all these health problems? It's not like I've lived a completely self destructive life. Well, ok, my late teens and early 20's weren't especially healthy, but other than that, I really do try. I'm a bit anxious waiting to see Dr. M, but I'm hoping he and I can find some answers and plot a battle plan.

Dh is less than sympathetic today, and keeps saying he knows how I feel, because of his back. Yeah, he did hurt his back 10 YEARS ago. After the initial injury healed, he only has rare episodes of aching muscles in the low back. I felt like screaming at him that this is very different, because this is not INTERMITTENT pain. This is 24/7 pain and stiffness in my low back. It never completely goes away. I could handle a few episodes for a few days. He just doesn't seem to grasp that this is bone/joint pain plus muscle spasms. I'm not even going to attempt to explain it to him. I will just smile and nod the next time he comments.

Dh and I are on vacation this week. We're not going anywhere, but we are going to have a few days off to do some stuff around the house and the yard. It should be relaxing.

Just a quick note to thank you sisters for all the good vibes you sent my dh today. He passed his Transit Driving Test, and has an interview scheduled for September 23rd. I am sooo happy for him.

:dance2:

I had the BEST sleep last night. I turned out the light at around 10pm, and fell instantly into a deep sleep. I did not wake up once during the night. What a strange concept....usually I wake up at least once.

Dh woke me up at 6:10am, and I rolled over and got out of bed. Hmmmm, this is strange, I can walk upright. Oh, and I actually got out of bed without having to lie there and stretch first. How odd....no screaming pain in my back! Yes, there's a dull ache there, but no burning/peircing pain.

Could it be that this cortisone shot might actually help? EEEEEk...dare I hope? I think my pain level today is about a 3. Compared to the constant 6,7, or 8 I've experienced daily for the last year, this is a huge improvement. I did take 2 percocet this morning, to keep the ache under control. I am going to try NOT to take any more, until bedtime if I need it. Last night I took one before bed and that was enough to make me comfy enough to sleep soundly.

I am hesitantly happy. I won't quite break into song, or do a happydance quite yet. I am just going to hope that I continue to improve. Keep the prayers coming my dear sweet sisters.

I recieved this via email this morning, and it fit in perfectly with what I had said earlier in my journal about romantic love. THIS is what I was talking about!!! Thank you (((Kells))) for sending it to me.

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty, he said...no.
She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, and once again he
replied with a no.
She had heard enough.
As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her
arm and
said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I dont want to be with you forever. I NEED to be with you forever.
And I wouldnt cry if you walked away...I'd die...

Instead of keeping a seperate "pain journal" for Dr. M, I think I will just keep track of how I am feeling here in this journal. Then I can just cut and paste any and all relevant details into another document.

Last night I did not sleep much. Once the freezing wore off from the shot, I started experiencing what I can only describe as "nerve pain". The injection site was very sore, and there was a "deep" pain radiating down my left leg and into my knee. It was a different kind of pain than I am used to. This felt sharper, expecially when I moved. I had pillows all around me to stop me from trying to roll on the sore side, and that seemed to help a bit.

At 2:45 am, I went to turn over and was greeted by a lovely knifelike pain behind my left eye. Well.....hello Mr. Migraine. You are indeed just the visitor I needed tonight. I mean heck, I'm not sleeping anyway, and my whole left side hurts, so why not join in the little party. I didn't want to take any more percocet until morning, so I wandered downstairs to see if there was any Advil Migraine left. Nope, all out. BUT we do have some 400mg ibuprofen tablets. Well, that's pretty much the same thing that's in the advil, except that is a gelcap. What the heck? It's worth a try. So I took some of the ibuprofen and went back to bed.

It was weird, but within about 20 minutes, I could FEEL the pain subsiding in my lower left quadrant, as well as my head. for ibuprofen. I think that maybe the cortisone shot had irritated the nerve in my back/buttock and that's what was causing the radiating pain. All I know is I was finally able to fall asleep. Oh, and I was so in the perfect sleep zone when I was rudely interrupted by my dh saying "hon....time to wake up". No....i don't wanna (said the childish whiny very comfy me). But I did decide to get up. Well, lo and behold....I wasn't quite AS stiff as I normally am in the morning. And I could almost walk properly to the bathroom. The pain was still there, but not as BAD as it has been for ages.

Is this a glimmer of hope???? I'm so scared to get my hopes up. It should take a few days for me to know if the shot works. For now I will just hope that it is going to give me some measure of relief.

Pray for me please my dear sweet sisters.

That's what I got today....a REALLY big needle....right in my back. Ok, some might say it's more in my buttock area

I went to see Dr. M today. He has not recieved the results from my bloodwork, or the x-rays I had taken at the other clinic a couple of weeks ago. You remember....the one where the doc sort of dismissed me as though I was a drug seeker. So, I must phone that clinic and have them fax the bloodwork results, and send the x-rays over to Dr. M asap! AND...I plan to give the clinic people a peice of my mind about Dr "I'm not giving you pain meds". aka Dr. PoopyHead.

Long story short, since Dr. M did not have any new results, we chatted for a few minutes. He asked if I had any new symptoms, if the pain was better, worse or the same. I said "same"...still bad! He asked how the pain meds were working for me. Can you believe that????? He wanted to make sure I was getting SOME relief with the pain meds. I love him. He without question wrote me another script for percocet.

So, we discussed some options, and I went with his recommendation....a cortisone shot in the back. He took out two vials and 2 BIG needles. Luckily he put some freezing in first. He kept asking every few seconds...are you ok? I kept answering I'm fine, that is UNTIL he hit a nerve. OOOOOUUUUCCCHHHH! So he calmly asked what I was feeling. Um...pain. He asked where exactly, and I told him...right where your needle is and all the way down my leg. So....he backed off the needle a bit and all was well. Then, he put in some cortisone and that was it.

I was fine, until I stood up. I started to feel kinda hot (like a hot flash), and felt a bit nauseous. He took me out to the front where I could sit down, and the nurses got me some water. It passed really quickly, but for a second there I thought I was going to hurl! In only a few minutes I was able to get up and go back to work. The nurses assured me that feeling a bit woozy after that kind of injection is quite common. Good now I don't feel like such a dweeb.

So here I am, back at work. I can tell ya one thing, the freezing sure felt good. Actually it didn't FEEL anything...what I had was LACK of feeling, and therefore lack of pain. I wonder how long till the freezing wears off. He said that since he did the injection blindly (no x-ray guidance)...it may or may not work. If it doesn't he is willing to work with me to make sure we get this resolved. I am sooo glad he believes me.

Just having the prescription in my hand makes me feel so relieved. At least I know I can do something to help ease this annoying pain.

Just because someone doesn't love you the way that you want....doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have.

I hate to say it, but I can truly understand why some chronic pain patients end up commiting suicide. NO, I am not the kind of person who would do that, but I can certainly understand why people do it.

There comes a time when enough is enough. Those who do not suffer in pain can't possibly understand. I mean....from outside appearances, I look fine. I do limp a bit sometimes, as I'm favoring one side of my back. Other than that, nobody knows that I wake up in the morning, pretty much unable to move. Immediately upon waking, the pain is there. It is an effort to turn over and stand up. Once I'm standing, I am so stiff, that I shuffle off to the bathroom like a woman of about 116. I do my thing, in order to get ready for work. I slowly make my way down the stairs....every step like a knife plunging deep into my back and buttock. Must get to my purse....that is where the pain meds are.

Once I swallow those 2 little pills, I know that relief is only about 30 minutes away. I can survive 30 minutes....for I know that soon I will feel better. When I didn't have the meds, every hour of every day was miserable because I knew that there was no relief in sight. With proper pain management, I am able to go to work, and do normal activities. So why then is it so difficult to recieve proper treatment of chronic pain?

Yes....narcotics can be addictive. However docs need to learn the difference between addiction and dependence. There are certain behaviours that addicts display....none of which I have. I am not "craving the drug". What I am craving is relief from relentless pain. There is a difference. Will I become dependent on narcotics? Possibly. If there is no other way of dealing with this pain, then it is possible. However I have faith that something else can be done for me. It will just take time. For now I am thankful that I have found a doc who believes in me, and who honestly wants to help me.

My mood has improved significantly over the past few days. It is so plain and simple. If I'm not in constant pain, I can be relatively happy and continue to do my job. When in pain, I am miserable, and don't see much point in getting out of bed in the morning. Isn't this a good enough argument for treating patients with strong enough pain medications?

I don't really think about it most days, but I am so thankful for this journal. Kathy has really done an amazing thing here, by giving us all the opportunity to share our stories. Not only can we share our feelings about the hysterectomy, but we can also garner support from anyone who may read the entries. I don't think any of us knew exactly how much of an impact these journals would make. We just signed up, and hoped for a place to vent all of our hopes, dreams, fears, ups and downs on this journey. Little did we know.....we were about to embark on a path to newfound friendships and greater understanding of how different women deal with this surgery in different ways.

Without my journal, I don't know where I would put my feelings. I'd probably keep a paper journal, yet that would somehow not be the same. My hope is that another LIW or Princess will read my story, and find some comfort in the fact that she is not alone. By writing, I can get my fears and frustrations out, and usually I feel better.

A big thank you again to Kathy, for giving me and all the Crown Jewels this wonderful opportunity.


Tam

Today seems to be a better day. Now that I have been given proper pain medication, I am able to function, without constantly being reminded of how much I hurt. As long as I take the meds every 6 hours, I'm able to stay on top of it.

Yesterday I had the whole family over for cake and ice cream to celebrate H's 5th birthday. He was so excited all day. I think that my child now officially owns every Spiderman toy available on the market today! He was so hyper that he didnt' even know what to play with first! Plus there was the fact that my brother and SIL were over, and my bro just loves to wind him up! And then there's my friend J. She and her dh were over too, and J was down on the floor wrestling with H. They were having a blast! I can still hear his giggling in my mind. I love that sound.

I had a horrible sleep last night. I kept having those weird "twitches" in my legs. It's like they didn't want to stay still. It was very annoying. This morning though I found myself fighting to stay awake. Unfortunately I dont' think anyone would be impressed if they saw me asleep at my desk.

I wish it would warm up already. Winnipeg has been ridiculously cold this summer. Ok, it's not really cold.....but it hasn't really been hot more than a few days. Normally in August, it is sweltering hot and humid here. But today I am in black pants! That shows that it's not warm out. It's a gloomy day with lots of clouds.

I wish I was home curled up on the couch under a blankie. I'm 10 weeks post-op today, and definitely not on target for my recovery.

As promised, here is the continuing saga of my pain in the back!

I saw Dr. M this afternoon. He BELIEVES me! There really IS something going on with my back!!!! He thinks I have an inflamed sacro-iliac joint. What the heck does that mean? WELL, I just found a picture of the joint. It is where the pelvis joins the very base of the spine (the sacrum). Trust me to have a problem in some obscure place!

Dr. M has agreed to have my x-rays and results of blood work transferred from the clinic I was at on Tuesday. He doesn't suspect that the blood work will show anything, but if it does, we will deal with it. For now, I am supposed to stay as limber as possible, meaning stretching as much as I can, and not being in one position for too long. I'm encouraged to sit, walk, stand, lie down, and whatever else feels ok.

If the pain can't be resolved any other way, then there is hope for me. A procedure can be done where they use a large needle, and inject an anaesthetic and a steroid into the joint itself, thereby taking down the inflammation, and deadening the pain.

I am NOT imagining things!!!!!

By the way....Dr. M did write me a prescription for some Percocet. Since it is the ONLY thing that has helped me so far. We both agreed that I am not really at risk for becoming addicted, due to the nature and intensity of pain I'm experiencing. However, I know that this is only for a short time, and I won't have to take them forever. Dr. M is willing to work with me on this to get it resolved.

I feel soooooooo relieved now. Just knowing that there really is something wrong does make me feel better (as silly as that sounds).

So my dear sweet sisters, I thank you all for your support the last week while I've been whining and complaining. I know that I am going to be ok....it just might take some time.

much love
Tam

When I told the psychiatrist what was going on with me, the first things out of his mouth were....psychogenic pain and hypochondriasis. In other words, the pain COULD be psychological. Yes, I admit, I have struggled with depression for most of my adult life. But I have been stable for well over a year, with no glitches, until recently. Yes, chronic pain CAN be a symptom of depression, in that the body has many ways of dealing with stress, anxiety and depression. I am well aware of this. Whenever I am seriously stressed out, I break out in hives, or I get really nauseous and tend to vomit alot. I know my own body, and I know what I'm feeling.

Dr. J (the shrink) and I talked for a good hour.....alot of which I spent defending the fact that I know the difference between physical pain and psychogenic pain. I had to tell him WHY I believed that this pain is physical. Oh, I forgot to mention....I've been seeing Dr. J for a few years now regarding relationship issues, and some other "stuff' that I won't go into here. So, I guess Dr. J thought my pain might be related to not resolving my issues with my husband. My stress, frustration and resentments may be coming out as pain. In another patient, this may be true, but for me it is not.

We did do several of his Depression scale and Anxiety scale tests. It turns out that I am SEVERELY depressed. On a scale where the average answer would be 8 (meaning NOT depressed), I scored 27. Yeah, I'm depressed all right. But....I think that the depression is BECAUSE of the pain, not the other way around. WHATEVER!!!!!

I know that Dr. J was very concerned about me yesterday because he must have asked me in 3 or 4 different ways if I was at risk for suicide. Um...NOOOOOO. I am not, and I am also not at risk for hurting anyone ELSE! No matter how down I feel, I am not the suicidal type. I have a son who needs me, and I would NEVER do that to him or my family and friends. It would be unfair. I still love life, and have so much that I want to accomplish.

Anyway, the end result of the session was that Dr. J finally admitted that he DOES believe there is something physical wrong with my back. He said that Dr. M could call him today if he wanted dr. J's opinion on what's going on with me. (Dr. M is the injury doc for the corp I work for). But Dr. J wanted to increase my Celexxa dosage, and take me off Remeron and start Amitryptilene instead. Amitryptilene has been shown to help with chronic pain patients.

All in all, I suppose it was a good appointment. Dr. J does want to see me again more regularly. I've been avoiding seeing him over the last 3 or 4 months, mainly due to not feeling well, and the stress leading up to my hysterectomy. Now I feel ready to tackle some personal issues again.

I am seeing dr. M today at noon....will update you later.

I decided that physiotherapy was worth a shot. I've tried everything else, right?

In I go to the clinic, and out comes my therapist calling my name. He introduces himself by saying "Hi, I'm Than (pronounced tan), nice to meet you" and I repy "Hi, I'm TaM, nice to meet you!" we giggled about the similar sounding names.....so I think I like him. He's young (probably 27ish), and very sympathetic to my problem.

He did a number of tests, and much poking and prodding and pushing and pulling. Yup....my back is messed up. Thanks Sherlock....what gave it away? My constant flinching whenever ya touch me? OR was it that very loud OUCH??? Poor guy....it seems I hurt no matter what he does.

Anyway....seems I am in a grey area. He's not sure whether this is structural (such as muscular or joint, or hypermobility), or if it is actually a nerve issue. He is leaning towards the nerve thing because of the way the pain radiates down my left buttock (teehee) and down my leg. He did note that I am having severe muscle spasms not just in my lower back, but all the way up between my shoulder blades as well. It is likely because the muscles are tensed up from trying to protect the ouchie area.

So....I got to lie on a huge heating pad (I was RIGHT! I should be using heat....NOT ice, like the chiropractor said. ICE is only for the first 72 hours following an injury) I knew I was right in listening to my body....heat feels good, ice does NOT! Oh yeah, off on a tangent again....lying on huge heating pad with electrical stimulators on my back....and the coolest "wedge pillow" up under my knees. Oh sweet relief! For 20 minutes, I was actually comfortable and dozing off! The knee pillow is amazing. It is actually pretty high, but it feels so good because it forces my pelvis to tilt forward. I think that was the best 20 minutes I've had in 6 months!

Than also gave me some gentle stretching to do. At least that is something I can do, while I am unable to do any fun exercise. Even walking is so painful. When treatment was all done, Than told me that he can totally understand my misery, as chronic pain of this kind can literally take over one's life. Uh...yeah! So, there is someone else who believes me! It's good to know.

I am off to see my shrink this afternoon. I will speak to him about my emotional state, and see if I need to increase or even change my anti-depressant. I will tell him how close I am to just checking myself in to the psych ward. I am sure he will do whatever he can to help. He's also a very good doctor.

I stopped to think about it last night as I was TRYING to find a comfy spot to sleep....what would happen if I was living in the US, and didn't have insurance???? Here in Canada, yes I pay high taxes, but at least I don't have to worry about paying for each doctor's visit. I do have to pay for chiropractic, physio, acupuncture, massage therapy, and all the alternative stuff out of my own pocket. I shudder to think what I have spent so far this year. But as far as medical doctors go, I can see as many as I want, and it is paid for by the Provincial Health Care system. I think if I were in the US, I'd be destitute, homeless, or dead.

Sorry, didn't mean to sound morbid. I'm just being honest.

I'll try to do an update this evening, after the appointment with the shrink.

I should have known. Whenever there is a crisis at work, SOMEBODY jumps into action. Well, today it was MY crisis. My friend J came to my desk shortly after I posted my last journal entry. She could see I was visibly upset and had been crying. She proceeded to hug me and take me outside for some air.

I told her what had happened at the doctor's office, and she was angry right along with me. J knows me so very well, and she KNOWS I am not a big baby, and I am not a drug addict. So, she asked me if I had spoken to "R" about it. Somehow, I never thought to talk to "R" who is our staff physiotherapist. I sometimes don't really think about it, but in my own dept there is an occupational health nurse, a psych nurse, and a physiotherapist. These 3 ladies look after all 6000 employees of the corporation I work for. Needless to say, they are well connected to the medical community in this city. They do all the referrals for work-related illness and injury. So, duh, I shoulda thought to talk to "R", but once again, I don't want to be a pest, and I want to take care of things myself. Heaven forbid I should actually ask for help when I need it.

So, friend J ran into R later in the afternoon, and I guess she told "R" all about my being emotionally distraught. "R" came right to my desk, and led me to her office. I proceeded to tell her all about the doctor visit, and the whole medication issue. I explained all the symptoms and again started crying. She got on the phone to our corporate doctor's office. "R" had a work-related meeting with him scheduled for Friday (his first day back from vacation), but she gave up her time slot so that I could see him instead. Dr. M is an excellent doc, so I am hoping he will help me.

If nothing else, maybe he can prescribe some Percocet or maybe a muscle relaxant just so I can get some temporary relief....just enough to find some peace for a few hours. "R" did assure me that she knows I am not out to seek drugs. Apparently drug seekers do not neatly type out all of their medical history on a sheet of paper and present it to the new doctor to save him asking all the questions and writing it in the file. Did I mention I even hole punched the sheet so he could just slide it on to the file clips?

I don't think I am asking too much here....just some relief. So, to all of the ladies here who may have suffered with intractable pain....my heart goes out to you. I now know what it feels like, and I understand how it can virtually consume your very being.

I do not want to lose my self....just when I was starting to "find" her.

Prince Charming's nurse called yesterday, and the Prince suggested that I go to the Sports Medicine Clinic right close to my office. They should be able to diagnose any back problems I may have.

Off I went this morning, with printed sheet in hand. I typed out what meds I am currently on and the dosages, what meds I have TRIED for pain relief, and what alternative therapies I've tried to deal with this pain. He seemed impressed.

I had to do the usual....bend forwards, backwards, sideways, etc. He checked my reflexes, pushed on my back (um...OOOOW!). He decided I needed x-rays. So off I go to x-ray, where the tech must have thought I was a contortionist. Hey....dufus, my back HURTS....I can't BEND that way! Minutes later, Dr. S came to tell me that my x-rays look good. There is no osteoarthritis in my spine, hips, or sacro-iliac joints. Yippee. That does not help me at this point. He then decided that there could be some form of inflammatory reaction going on (gee...do ya think?), so he sent me for blood work. Uh-huh....maybe rheumatoid arthritis? Great, just what I need.

And of course, being a sports medicine doc, he is sending me for physiotherapy. Yippee again. We then discussed pain meds. I was NOT looking forward to this part of the discussion. I told him I had tried everything, and that the only thing that had given me ANY relief was OxyCocet (percocet), and I swear, it felt like he was ignoring me. I am now annoyed. He said well....none of the anti-inflammatories are working for you, so lets stay away from all the pills for now.

WHAT???????????????????????????

I am in pain here. Did you not HEAR me when I said I can get some relief from Percocet????????????????????? I suppose it's going to be another struggle to get proper treatment.

Tomorrow I start physiotherapy, and then I don't see Dr. S for another 3 weeks. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? Apparently I am supposed to suffer. quietly.

I can't sit, stand, walk, lie down, or do anything for more than 15 minutes at a time. I can't think, because I am constantly reminded of pain. I am frustrated and angry and feeling lost.

I did make an appointment with my shrink. He can't see me till Monday. So I just called his office and left a message to call me if he had any cancellations before then.

Hmmmm how does one know when they are close to their emotional breaking point? I've tried to stay in control and stay strong for so long. Now I am losing my grip.

Crying doesnt' even help, so why bother?
Tonight, my guys are going to have to fend for themselves while I go and soak in the bath tub. The water seems to relieve some of the pressure. Then I will go lie down with mr. Heating Pad to read a book.

later sisters

edited to add....I guess the shrink could tell by my voice that something was really wrong. He is going to see me tomorrow NIGHT at 8:30pm. What a guy.

Since I am currently still in a lot of pain, I decided to be proactive about it. I have told Prince Charming, who is going to try to have me follow up with a different specialist.

In the meantime, I know I am going to dwell on the pain. It is very difficult to ignore, so I will do something about it. I have decided to write an article on chronic pain for our Safety Newsletter at work. I've been surfing the net most of the day looking for research materials, and I've printed out around 10 articles to read.

I think this will start off as a short article relating chronic pain to lost time at work (possibly as it relates to on-the-job injuries). Then, it may take on a life of its own (as my writing usually does). Who knows? Maybe you'll see my article in a magazine some day?

I'm off to continue the research.

Thank you sisters for always being there for me when I need you

Tam

Okay, so I've been a bit negative lately. All right all right....I've been TOTALLY negative lately. Well today I have had it with the negativity. Oh, I am still in pain, and not feeling terribly well. I am feeling fat and unattractive. I am having trouble concentrating and feel like isolating myself. But enough!!! I am putting my foot down today. No more of this!

I have had a hysterectomy. Yes this sucks. But I know it had to be done. I had adenomyosis, for which there is no cure but a hysterectomy. I still have endo. And I will CONTINUE to have endo until menopause sucks the life out of the dragon within. So, I must deal with that. I now have a beautiful scar across my belly which is currently covered by my little belly roll.....thanks to the weight gain. SO WHAT I SAY!!!! It's just a scar....another battle scar on my journey through life. I suffered for that scar and I am proud to bear it....for I made it through major surgery and will continue to live my life.

As for the belly roll.....oh for God's sake! It's just some body fat. If ya really think about it....they are just cells.....little insignificant cells (albeit fat cells instead of muscle cells....but I digress). Each of my cells must be important for they help to make up ME! I am important! I am loved and loveable! I am beautiful and therefore so must my fat cells be beautiful! And therefore....my belly roll must be at least cute..if not beautiful in its own right. Now how's THAT for logic?????

That was a bit off on a tangent now wasn't it? But hey, that is what journals are for. This is the place for me to ramble on and on....getting the annoying recurring thoughts out of my head and out through my fingertips to the keyboard, and here for all the world to see. Hmmm....the ramblings of a tortured mind? Nah....just a little neurotic that's all. They do say there's a fine line between genius and madness......can ya see me teetering? LOOK...I'm a genius, no I'm mad, no I'm a genius! Ok, I think I will stop, or all of you will think I have completely lost my mind.

No sisters I am not bipolar. This is not a manic writing binge!!! I am ok. REALLY.

Did I ever mention how much I HATE waiting? I hate waiting in line, and for a bus, and especially for a doctor's appointment. Why make an appointment at all if you're not going to be seen at anywhere close to the appointed time? Why don't we all just line up the night before we want to see the doc, and camp out over night? Kinda like concert tickets! I think that would be easier than the 2.5 HOUR wait past my appointment time today.

Now granted....today is Prince Charming's first day back from vacation so his nurse's should have UNDER booked instead of OVER booked....just in case a patient REALLY needed to see him today. But noooooooo, my 10:30 appointment was moved to 12:45, and of course I'd arrived at 10:15 (being the conscientiously, annoying early person that I am), so there I sat as the minutes ticked by. I was annoyed. But I soon realized that everyone else was annoyed too. Then I really THOUGHT about it. Prince Charming is a very thorough doc. He actually takes the time to sit and talk with patients about their concerns. So, maybe there was a patient with a new cancer diagnosis, or maybe someone was being told they need a hyst. Prince Charming likely sat with them and explained things a hundred times till everything sunk in.

And so I waited. Thoughts of the Canadian Health Care System were running through my head. Why arent' there MORE docs like Prince Charming so that at least the wait to become a new patient would be less than the 4 months it took me to see him. If there were more capable gyn surgeons in my city, then maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have to sit in Prince Charming's office for 2.5 freaking hours, when I really have better things to do with my time.

Of course the second the Prince walked into the room....he gave me that boyish grin and apologized for taking so long....."ok...no problem....I know you're busy" I answer with a bit of a smirk on my face. Something about this man makes it impossible to stay angry. He is just so sweet.

My examination went fine....everything is healed up perfectly....inside and out. The numbness on my abdomen above the scar will likely resolve in a few months, and my twinges will lessen in time as well. My uterus was a mess....all full of adenomyosis, and my pelvis was full of endo and thick fibrous adhesions....not to mention acute cervicitis (whatever the heck that is). No cancer was found (none was expected).

So apparently I'm ready to take on the world. HA I say!!!! I felt like I was going to cry when I told him that I am still suffering from unbearable back pain. When I asked if it could possibly be more adhesions, he said it is remotely possible. He does want me to be checked out by a "bone guy", and then if it is not a spine problem (such as a herniated disk), or some other spinal issue, then he will see if he can send me to a "nerve guy" because the pain does seem to sound like it may be a nerve thing.

So....I am right back where I started from with the whole back pain problem. I had seriously thought that my pain would be alleviated after a hysterectomy. Apparently I was very very wrong. Now I get to look forward to another onslaught of doctors, and hey....I wonder how many of them are going to tell me that it's "all in my head" before I find one who believes me. Doctor Prince Charming believes me. My mommy believes me. I think my dh believes me. My friends....who knows.

All I know is that I am not in a place I wanted to be at 9 weeks post-op. I was hoping to be on the way to getting my life back. Instead, I am sitting here....hurting, and wondering just how to proceed from here. And what am I supposed to do in the meantime???? Prince Charming prescribed some Tylenol 3....yeah, remember...those are like candy to me! High drug tolerance....ringing any bells here????

I want to crawl into a hole.
Wake me up when the pain goes away.

Did I mention I am quite capable of sleeping 14 hours straight right now? Sleep is my only escape from the unrelenting pain.....

Yesterday I took my ds to an amusement park, so he could spend some more time with his girlfriend "C". The kids had the most amazing time. Ok, so did the adults

I decided that there would be no expense spared, and that the kids would get whatever they wanted. This is normally something I don't do, but I figured it's going to be a long time before they see each other again, so why not make it memorable.

We bought unlimited ride passes, and ate junk food all day. It was amazing to see the joy on the faces of 2 four year olds. The only trouble is.....I am in so much pain today. Six hours at the park was waaaaay too much walking and standing and riding the rides for someone who is not yet 9 weeks post op. Who knew that you used your stomach muscles just riding the tilt-a-whirl (which I think we rode 15 times)? My back is so sore today, and I have major swelly belly. When I woke up this morning, I knew there was no WAY I could go in to work. So, I called in sick. No problemo....work is very understanding.

I knew if I went in I'd be miserable, so instead, I went back to sleep for 2 more hours. I am still very sore, so I intend to rest and relax all day today. It's a "me" day.

I must dedicate this entry to thanking you all for your support after my last entry. The pity party has subsided a bit, and I will be seeing my shrink next week.

Moonchime - thank you for the candle and the prayer. I really needed it.

Emily - you are right....it will pass

Jeanette - It is so nice to know I am not the only one who has thought of "escaping"

Roseanne - thanks for reminding me that I am not alone.

Dee - words are unnecessary....you know how I feel

Nadine - Thanks for reminding me that there is a higher power looking out for me.

Mel - I love that...the bigger our hearts are...the more they hurt. Thank you for reminding me of that.

Audrey - thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It does help me to know I'm not alone, and none of this is my "fault"

Jody - thank you for caring and for the thoughts and prayers

Lesa - hugs right back at ya! Thank you for being so honest and sharing your story. That was very courageous.

kelly - love you lots sweetie, and you're right....I do sometimes need to lean on others.

And to all of you who read my entry and just thought of me, and sympathized in some way....I thank you all.

Ladies, you are an inspiration to me.
I wish you all much love

I posted a photo of me with straight hair this morning.

I'm sitting here, an emotional wreck, feeling like my world is crashing down around me.

For someone who is supposed to be such a strong person....I feel infinitely small, and weak and insignificant. My life is a mess. I am so angry and depressed and unhappy. How can this be???? I have a husband and a child I waited so long to have. I have a beautiful house in a great neighborhood. I have a job that I love. So what can it be?

I suffer from clinical depression and an eating disorder. There I said it. I admit it. I binge eat. It is a compulsion that I have no control over. I feel like I am eating to fill up some void in my life. I don't even know what the heck the void is. All I feel right now is pain and emptiness. I went in to the bedroom today, and cleaned out all the food wrappers of stuff I've been hiding and then scarfing down once everyone is asleep. It is pathetic, and I HATE myself for it. I have had the eating under control for the past 2 years until about 2 weeks post-op. I had actually learned to starve myself over the last 2 years, dropping about 50 pounds. Ahhhhh sweet CONTROL!!!! I felt so good. I was on top of the world. And now I've fallen....down deep into that bad place. That abyss of self loathing and sadness.....a sadness that I can't explain away.

I have been slowly withdrawing from people again. I don't write in my journal daily, and I have a hard time even posting to people, trying to sound helpful. I just want someone to help me. I want all of the emotional turmoil inside me to just STOP. I want to be back in control.

I don't know if I have the strength to be that woman I described in my journal. I am so afraid. There is so much about me that you....my Sisters do not know. And I can't even begin to explain it all to you....I have a hard time even admitting to myself. My marriage is in trouble. I can't even love myself right now, never mind love someone else. I don't know if I will leave this entry public or if I will make it private.

Right now I just feel so very raw....I dont' know how else to describe it.....have you ever had a burn...I mean a second or third degree burn??? Well I have. When a blister accidentally got broken on the burn, the skin was torn away. What is left are raw....horribly painful nerve endings. Just a breeze passing over the skin is enough to make a grown man cry. That is how my emotions feel right now.

I also had an emai from a friend today that really did frighten me, and it brought up a whole lot of emotions that I dont' know if I can handle right now.

Do you ever want to just walk out the door of your house, and step into a time machine.....or just step out into a completely different life? That is where I am at right now.

Please sisters....don't feel sorry for me. That is not my intention of this entry. I just want to capture my feelings so that when I am feeling better, and have sorted through some feelings, then I can look back on this.....and wonder. I will be ok, because I always am in the end.

much love
Tam

I don't think I've ever written about my son's girlfriend. Keep in mind that "H" is only 4.

My friend Jan has a grand daughter "C" who is also 4. The first time that H and C met they were not even 3 yet. It was like they already knew each other. They have been so close ever since. The funny thing is.....they live in different cities and only see each other about 2 or 3 times a year.

I find it simply amazing, the relationship that these two have. Just this weekend, H and C were together. They haven't seen each other since last Christmas, yet as soon as they see each other, it's like they've never been apart. They are about the only two 4 yr olds I've ever seen that can spend all day together, playing without once arguing or fighting or crying or complaining they are bored. And this is just the two of them playing out in the yard, while the adults were up on the deck. Every time I went to check on them, they seemed to be deep in conversation, laying on the grass together, H with his arm around C.

These children prove to me that they have "old souls". I am sure that they have known each other before....in some other time and some other place. The connection they have is almost eerie. Every once in a while, out of the blue, H will say "I miss "C", and will be very quiet and withdrawn for the whole day. And C does the same thing. She will tell her mom....when H and I are grown up and married.....and will come up with some fanciful story. They have pictures of each other in their bedrooms, and each have a t-shirt with a picture of the 2 of them together.

We took a bunch of pictures of the two of them on Saturday so hopefully I will get them developed in the next week. They are so unbelievably adorable together.

1. What time do you get up? 6:00am Mon-Fri, and around 9am on weekends

2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? my best friend L...who lives far away

3. Gold or Silver? .... white gold

4. What was the last film that you saw at the cinema?.........Finding Nemo

5. What is/are your favourite TV shows?...... CSI, Law&Order SVU, Trauma Life in the ER

6. What did you eat for breakfast?........a protein bar

7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with?.....my ex-boss

8. What / who inspires you?........ the power of nature

9. What is your middle name?..........Rose

10. Beach, City or Country?............Country

11. Favourite ice cream? ..........coffee

12. Butter or plain popcorn? ........lotsa butter

13. Favourite color? ......... purple

14. What kind of car do you drive?....... 1999 Dodge Caravan

15. Favorite sandwich?...... cold turkey and stuffing

16. What characteristics do you despise ?..... lying

17. Favorite flower?........casablanca lilies

18. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go ? Churchill, Manitoba or Yellowknife, NWT

19. What color is your bathroom?....... blue and white

20. Where would you like to retire?...... right here

21. Favorite day of the week?.........Monday

22. What did you do for your last birthday?....... went out to dinner

23. Where were you born?............Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada

24. Favorite sport to watch?.........track and field for sure!!!!


27. What fabric detergent do you use?...... Purex....it's cheap and smells nice

28. Coke or Pepsi ?.......Pepsi

29. Are you a morning person or a night owl?........morning

30. Do you have any pets?.....3 cats...Tasha (my siamese), Shadow (my little black cat) and Simba (a ginger male Maine Coon) and 2 fish Duncan the goldfish and Sam the pleco

31. Favorite Author: Dean Koontz

32. Favorite Novel: Hmm...Lightning

33. Favorite Quote:If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one so I never have to live a day without you.....Winnie the Pooh

or

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved package, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting: GERONIMO!!!!

Sorry girls, the digital camera is not around today. I'll check again tomorrow. I am disappointed, as I wanted you all to see the new "do". But really it will look better tomorrow, as I couldn't wash it today (must wait 24 hours).

To answer everyone's questions:
I love the do. It feels really soft, and it is soooooo long! When it was curly it was just past my shoulders. Now it's halfway down my back.

jeanette:
As it grows in, the new growth will not be terribly curly because the top of the hair gets "pulled down" cause it's so long (does that make sense?) And, I can always use the big curling iron or the flat iron. Because the hair isn't totally straight, I think the new growth will blend in just fine. Last resort - I go back every few months to have the roots touched up.

Jmac
I didn't have the Chi done. I priced it, and it would have cost between $800 and $1000!!!! It's 100 per hour, and I have LOTS of hair. So, "M" used a chemical relaxer used for curly caucasian hair. In order to get it straighter she could have used one for african american hair, but it likely would have fried my hair. The chi would have made it totally poker straight, flat against my head. Then it would grow in within 2 months and look ridiculous!

I am off to the chiropractor again today to see if he can make my back feel a bit better. It is the weirdest pain. It's on the left side of my spine, below the waist and sort of radiating into my left buttock (that word always makes me giggle I am soooo immature). And it is sort of running down my left leg. I don't like it!!!! It hurts!!!!! Hopefully once I get the TENS machine on there it will feel a bit better.

more later.....

I was a bundle of nerves all day yesterday. My hairdresser was so excited when I walked into the salon. She'd been looking forward to straightening my hair ever since I made the appointment. As soon as she started putting the solution on my head, I could feel an anxiety attack coming on. How ridiculous! It's just hair!

I did manage to calm down, and the deed is done. I now have very "relaxed" hair. It's not straight, just much much less curly.

As soon as I can find the digital camera here at the office, I will have a co-worker take a photo, and I'll post it as soon as I can.

Eeeek, I finally got up the nerve. I've been on this site for how long now? Is it oh, 4 months or so?

I did it. I posted the "before" photo with the psycho hair from "the fiery dark bad place". It's currently "pending approval" from the site administration I suppose. I hope it will be up tomorrow.

It's a picture of me and ds....yeah, I know he's soooo cute. See, I'm allowed to brag, because I didn't actually give birth to him!

I just wonder how many of you sisters will say "you didn't look like I pictured" It's kinda like my friend Jan. We work for the same company, but I'd talked to her on the phone several times before we ever met. She has a VERY authoritative tone....and she sound like the kind of lady that you do NOT want to mess with. I just about died laughing when I met her the first time....all 5 foot nothing, 95 pounds of her!

Hopefully Thursday I will have an "after" shot for ya.

What can I possibly say that will top Moonchime's last few entries? Moonchime, thank you for making me smile today. I've been searching for a smile all afternoon, and here I have it. For that I am grateful.

My triumphant return to work was today. It actually went very well. I arrived at 7am, and left at 11:30am. All my co-workers were happy to see me, and were all so concerned that I was back "so soon". Well fine then....I'll leave....sniff sniff.... Really though....I got lots of hugs and had a wonderful morning.

While I was away one of my "office fish" passed away. Yes, I am a little wingy sometimes. My boss won't let us have an "office cat", so I decided that I NEED a pet at work. I have an aquarium with goldfish and an algae eater. Well, I had 2 lovely goldfish....Simon and Duncan. Simon passed away about 2 weeks ago from an intestinal disorder (my fish-sitter was panicked when she saw he was sick and researched his symptoms online). He was beautiful....with a big double "fantail". I know, I know.....it's only a fish. But to me, all animals are special. It seems every time I have surgery, I lose another fish. The same thing happened in February when I had my lap. My guess is they're "pining" I am such a goof when it comes to my animals.

So, once again sisters.....I am a sad fish-mom, because I wasn't there when he passed. Get a grip Tam....it's a FISH!!!! No, I don't have multiple personality disorder, it just sounds that way when I write!

My ds came home today!!!! Yaaaaaay! I went to pick him up right after work at my parent's house. As soon as I walked in the door, he jumped up, ran over and yelled "mommy I missed you" and flung himself into my arms. Luckily, my feet were firmly planted on the floor, or he may have bowled me right over. I don't remember ever seeing such a beautiful sparkle in his eyes as I did today. He was so excited about the green hair gel! After his bath, I spiked the hair, and it's not as green as I would have liked, but when you look at it in the sunlight, it is sparkly green. He LOVES it. Apparently I will be getting up extra early every morning now to do his hair.

He was so good for mom & dad. And he came back with the most beautiful tan. Mom forgot the sunscreen, so he was able to soak up a few rays without SPF 152 sunblock on which would protect from nuclear fallout. So now because of his Aboriginal heritage, he has that beautiful almost mahogany color. He's gorgeous. I adore him.

I am getting sleepy now, so I think I'll turn in soon. Good night my dear sisters.
and s

I'm going to let you Sisters know a little secret, that I'm not telling any of my family or friends.

Today I was getting my hair cut. First I must explain my hair to you. I have super duper ridiculously curly hair. It is like corkscrew curls, and has been that way my entire life. I wear my hair long, as when it's short, I look like a walking Q-tip! Since I was 19, I've pretty much had the same hairstyle, as there is not a whole lot you can do with this mop.

According to said hairdresser, to look at my hair you'd think it would be really coarse and thick, but really it's not. She says I have "chicken fluff" hair. It feels like a baby chicks feathers! Really soft, and healthy, etc. All of my life I have wanted "straighter" hair. I'm not talking poker straight here. I'd just like "big sexy curls" or just waves.

So, here's the secret. I am going on Wednesday to have my hair "relaxed" into big curls! My hairdresser (who I trust implicitly....she has already refused to do several things to my hair because she knew it wouldn't look good. She also knows if anything turns out badly I'll have a t-shirt made saying "go see "M" at blahblah salon for this lovely look) thinks it will turn out beautifully.

Hopefully next week I will get up the nerve to post a "before" and "after" picture on tis website.

Wish me luck ladies. This is HUGE for me. I get nervous just having my hair trimmed.

EEEEEEK
The day has finally arrived. I must return to work tomorrow. Ok, I shouldn't say "i MUST" because truly I mustn't unless I feel up to it. I keep telling myself that I'm up to it, but I'm not sure. Ok, Tam, breeeeathe......I will go to work tomorrow for a few hours and see how I feel. I already plan to come home in the afternoon for a nap before I pick up ds (with the green hair) from daycare.

Just remembered something I wanted to write in here about insensitive comments from so-called friends. I have a friend that I met about oh....13 years ago. We will call him...Tony....cause that's his name, and I don't feel like being nice to him right now when I think of the stupid thing he said to me last week.

Tony didn't know I had the surgery until just about a day before he stopped in for a quick visit. Things were going well with the visit. He dropped off some toys for my ds, and he could only stay for a little bit. He did say he was sorry I had to go through with the hyst at my young age, and then it came out of his mouth......

MY CAT HAD THAT SAME SURGERY ABOUT 20 YEARS AGO, AND THE NEXT DAY SHE WAS OUT CLIMBING A TREE.

OMG ....for those of you who don't know me well, I am a little (ok, alot high strung and a little overbearing, and a little demanding, and VERY outspoken)

*punch*It took everything I had to NOT jump across the living room at him, and rip his face off. I was so freaking mad, all I did was say "goodnight Tony" and walked away. I'll give you CLIMBING A FREAKIN TREE....right upside the head you total moron.

I sooooo wanted to answer him back with..."oh, and I suppose your cat was on the operating table for 2 hours, having a surgeon try to rip his way through the adhesions gluing your CAT's uterus to her bowel?" And I suppose that your freaking CAT has been on narcotics for the past 2 months trying to deal with the excruciating pain of endometriosis which has completely invaded her pelvic cavity? Oh, and I suppose your CAT had to have that same surgeon carefully laser and cut with a freaking scalpel into all of these endo lesions to remove them?

Oh, and I'm sure your CAT had a wonderful recovery too....because of that ONE suture in her belly, and the one square inch patch of shaved skin. Oh, I was so tempted to whip down my pants right there, and show him my 10 inch incision and the bruising and swelling that wrapped all the way around my abdomen to my butt!

Don't get me wrong ladies....I love cats. I have 3 of them. But I've also had 3 of them sterilized, and I refuse to compare my surgery to theirs!!!!!

Ok, I am done venting about this. I feel better now.

I haven't really posted anything worthwhile for quite some time I suppose. Now seems like as good a time as any to sit down and write. Dh has gone to bed, and my dear sweet little guy is at the lake with my parents. He has been soooooo excited all week. Every night when I put him to bed it's been "mom...how many more sleeps till the cottage?" He is toooo cute.

So, dh and I are having a weekend aloooone. Isn't that nice. Too bad I haven't been to the doc yet to get cleared for a little "nookie". I suppose we could, I mean it's been almost 7 weeks since surgery. I don't think dh wants to chance it until he's sure everything is healing up just fine. Tonight we had a lovely dinner of fresh sockeye salmon done on the bbq with fresh dill. It was so yummy. We also had a few glasses of my favorite Merlot. Double yummy.

Other than that, things have been very quiet on the homefront. I went shopping today and bought the craziest thing. My ds is going to be 5 in August, and I gotta say, he is a little bit spoiled. Yes, I do tend to indulge him with "things" a little too often. But don't mistake that for him being overindulged with everything. I'm kinda strict with manners, and behaviour issues. ANYWAY, I was at my hair salon making an appt for Monday, when I saw it....GREEN spiking gel for his hair! He recently got his hair cut really short, and he loves when I spike it for him (dad is not nearly as good at it ). He is right into the Incredible Hulk, and has been telling me for months that he wants green hair. So, I bought this gel for him, and of course I had to try it out on my own hair. Oh....it is just so...so....GREEN! He is gonna love it!

I don't feel too badly. We tried for 12 years to have children, and it took us 5 years of waiting before we met our son. So sue me if I tend to spoil him a bit. And yeah, I'm a bit protective of him too. He's the only child I'm EVER going to have. We have talked about adopting more children, but at this point, it is just far too expensive to do a private adoption. And we are not willing to wait another 5 years for a child. Given an unlimited amount of money, yes I'd likely go to China and adopt a baby girl (or 2) But unless a lottery windfall comes my way that just ain't gonna happen.

I can NOT believe my little guy is starting kindergarten in a month! EEEEEK....isn't the first day of kindergarten much harder on the mom than it is on the child? I'm not even worried about ds, as he's been in daycare for over a year now, and is a very social child. I also know that at least one of his playmates from daycare is going to be in his class at school. They will have a ball, I am sure.

I guess I should talk a bit about me, and how I'm feeling. I am ok. Emotionally I am still down, but that can be dealt with. I am supposed to go back to work on Tuesday. In a way I'm happy, but in another way, I wonder if I'm ready. I suppose I'll find out in a few days. I am still trying to stay strong. I won't give in to urges for cigs, and I'm trying to control the food urges too. I've actually gone out and found sugar free lollipops! And they actually taste really good. So when I crave sweets, I've been popping a lollipop in my mouth, and it seems to help.

I will try to write more tomorrow.
s

Don't Ever Forget

Your presence is a gift to the world,
You're unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be -
Take it one day at a time.
Count your blessings, not your troubles,
And you'll make it through what comes along.
Within you are so many answers,
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Don't put limits on yourself,
Your dreams are waiting to be realized.
Don't leave your important decisions to chance -
Reach for your peak, your goal, and your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying -
The longer a problem is carried, the heavier it gets.
Don't take things too seriously -
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way -
Remember that a lot goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment,
Life's treasures are people... together.

Have health and hope and happiness,
Take the time to wish on a star.
And don't ever forget for even a day...
How very special YOU are!

I love this quote! It perfectly describes my life!

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in one pretty and well preserved package, but to skid across the line broadside, thoroughly used up, worn out, leaking oil, shouting: GERONIMO!!!!

Hello my Divine Sisters. I received my brand spankin new computer today from the wonderful people at Dell (it's about TIME).

I feel like I've been away from this site forever, and I do promise to get caught up on all the journals in the next week or so. Please know that I have thought of every one of my sister-friends every day. Just because I wasn't writing, it doesn't mean I forgot about y'all.

Hmmmm an update on me. I almost don't even want to do this, as I'll probably end up sounding all whiny. Here goes.....I am glad I had the hysterectomy. I really didn't have much choice in the matter, so in that respect I kind of have to be glad I did it. I was honestly hoping for a miracle. But somewhere deep down inside, I knew that this surgery was not going to be the cure I wanted. I know I said I would be happy with a REDUCTION in pain. And I guess I am. I just wish that it had been a more significant reduction.

I don't know how to really put my feelings into words quite yet. I am still thinking about it. I do have to say that I am very satisfied with the effects that the surgery has had on my bladder and bowel functions. I am happy to report that I can now definitely pee, and know that my bladder is empty. My bowels seem alot happier too. I won't go into details there.

I no longer have that heavy dull pain in my abdomen. That is pretty much gone. I also don't have those stabbing pains when I move the wrong way. No adhesions pulling I suppose. So really I am alot better off than I was. I am just disappointed that my low back / butt hurts. I am going to do some research soon on other causes of back pain.

I have found myself slipping into that deep abyss that I call clinical depression. I know that it stems from the weight gain. Seriously ladies I've gained 30 pounds since February. I am feeling really down on myself, and don't know if I can make it stop. I thought quitting smoking was supposed to make me feel good about myself. Well right now, all it's done is send my self esteem plummeting due to weight gain. I know I have nobody to blame but myself. Only I control what goes in my mouth. I have made very unhealthy food choices these last weeks, and now I can see it reflected back in my evil full length mirror.

I need to make an appointment with my shrink for next week. Maybe I need an adjustment to my anti-depressant dosage. Maybe I just need to get a grip.

I'm glad to be back.
much love and many hugs
Tam

I am depressed

The pain in my back has returned after a lovely 6 week reprieve.

I went to a chiropractor today (that is about the only thing I haven't tried to deal with my pain issues), and he said there is a massive inflammatory response going on in my low back.....likely as a result of the trauma from surgery, and possibly the endo flaring up again (so SOON.......crap! I figured I'd have at least a few pain free months)

He put a TENS machine on me for 30 minutes on a very high setting, and told me to ice the area at least 3 times a day, take anti-inflammatories, walk for 15 minutes a day, and drink about 100 ounces of water per day.

I could just weep.

There is no denying it. This is the same pain I had before, only on the other side of my back. It's migrated from the right side pre-op to the left side post op.

I wonder.....is this pain really from more stupid adhesions forming? Am I just too **** heavy? Is this a muscular issue? Is my spine screwed up? Are my nerves being stimulated (in a BAD way?)

I am so upset right now, I don't even want to write any more. If this is what I get to live with for the rest of my life....ooooooh I am just so excited. NOT!

sorry sisters, just wanted to vent and give you a bit of an update

hugs

Well, does anybody miss me yet?

I am going mental without a computer!!!!! I neeeeeeed my new computer to arrive! I am having hystersister withdrawal....and I miss you guys!!!! I keep thinking you are all gonna forget all about me if I don't post for days on end Maybe too dramatic???? I just wanted my sisters to know that I am thinking of you all, and I hate not keeping up with you every day.

I looked at the calendar this morning. It's hard to believe, but today I am 5 weeks post-op. Can you believe it? I had to go back and count just to make sure. I have sure come a long way in 5 weeks, and I sure have a long way to go yet. That is 5 weeks post-smokectomy too! Five weeks without a cigarette!

:I ROCK!!!!:

My only real issue at the moment is the fact that I've gained alot of weight during my recovery. I know, it is my own fault. I've been eating all the wrong stuff, just for comfort. It's ok though, I am not going to obsess about it. I can't do EVERYTHING all at once right? Once I am back to work, and in a better routine, my eating habits will improve, as will my exercise routine.

I must go and catch up with all the other journals......I'll be back as soon as I can.

Saturday July 17th

Today was a day of "firsts".

I woke up early today and my guys were outside playing basketball. A lovely cool breeze was blowing into the bedroom, and I just sighed as I awoke without the horrible burning endo pain. I slowly eased out of bed, and made my way to the shower. I noticed that my incision is really starting to heal up quite nicely. It is very long, but it should look just fine once completely healed. It's very itchy! The one really annoying thing is the numbness. Does that ever go away???? There's areas about 2 inches above and below the incision site that are completely numb. I can see myself touching the skin, but can't feel it. I REALLY hope that feeling comes back eventually.

After my shower, I got dressed in "real clothes"....not pj bottoms, and not leggings. I put on these cute short overalls that I haven't worn since last summer. Man is my belly still swollen. I swear I look pregnant. This is one more thing i REALLY hope resolves at some point. So I was dressed, and hair was done...but nope I did not go that one extra step to put makeup on. I think I'm getting used to the "au natural" look. So I look like an amoeba without my makeup on. so what? Who do I need to impress today?

I decided that I am finally ready to drive today. This is a first! I took my ds H out with me to give dh a break. Off we went to Michaels (the other store) to see if they had the 2 thread colors I'm missing. Turned out that they were sold out too. Oh well, I'll try again next week. I did manage to also get a birthday present for H's little friend. Her birthday party is this Friday.

After Michaels, we went to the shopping mall. I took a chance and went to the hair salon there to see if they could cut H's hair. He looked like a little ragamuffin....his hair was sooooo long. I told the stylist to cut it really short, and she sure did. Then she put gel in his hair and gave him a "spiky" look. He's my little Billy Idol! He looks sooooo cute with this hair cut! Since he was so good at sitting still in the chair (quite an accomplishment for a 4 year old boy), I took him out for lunch. I don't know why I bother to get him french fries. I should just give him one french fry and a gallon of ketchup After lunch, we popped in to the grocery store for a few minutes, and then back to the car. I thought about going to the library, but at that point, I could feel some familiar back pain, so decided it was enough for one day. When we got home I had to lie down and rest for an hour.

I decided to make a wonderful salad for supper, but then realized....I want some wine. So off I went to the local wine boutique for a bottle of Merlot from Chile. Yes, I am a Chilean merlot snob! It's my favorite red wine, and I won't drink any other kind of wine. So, this was my FIRST drink post-op. It was delicious!

I have done far too much today, because my back is KILLING me, and my belly is very sore and swollen. I think that was just too many firsts for one day. I know I'll sleep well tonight, and probably most of tomorrow too!

I thought I was so smart borrowing a computer from work. Well, that turned into a pain in the butt. It turns out that the computer I borrowed had a trojan virus, and therefore was totally useless. I hate not having my computer. It feels like I'm cut off from my dear sisters! Today I decided to come on over to mom & dad's house to use their computer.

I am soooooo tired. I had outings every day this week, and I can't believe how exhausting it is. Tuesday I went to the doctor's and the grocery store. Wednesday went out to lunch, and Thursday again went for lunch with friends from work. Thursday afternoon I just crashed. I had to lay down at 1:30, and next thing I knew it was 4:30. What a great nap.

My incision is itchy. I guess that means it is healing. I can now look at it without being afraid it's suddenly going to open up and cause a huge infection. The one thing that amazes me though is at 4.5 weeks, I am still really tender in the belly area. The bruising is almost gone. There's still a fairly ugly section about halfway between my navel and the incision which is purple and yellow. If I press on my abdomen....anywhere, it is still really sore. I suppose the internal healing is going to take a very long time. I will try to be patient.

I've been wondering how long it will take before I am able to get back to a real exercise program. Now that I've quit smoking, and my pelvic pain has lessened substantially, I want to join the gym again. Two years ago...I was a gym junkie. I love weightlifting! I know I won't be able to do any real heavy lifting for quite some time....but maybe I can go and start lifting some light weights mid-September? That would make it 3 months post-op. I also need to get back into some kind of cardio routine. I like the treadmills and the elliptical trainers are my favorite. The gym membership could be a gift to myself.....I think I deserve it.

The gym was another means of "escape" for me. If I can't be writing, then the next best thing is working up a really good sweat. I find I can really "focus" on what I'm doing in the gym. Each repetition of an exercise I am able to concentrate on that exact muscle group. I should start looking at prices to join. I can even go at lunchtime, as the gym is only about 8 minutes from my office.

more later....must go read message boards.

My mom was here the other day, and she was saying how I look alot better than I did even a week ago. It dawned on me that hey....I actually feel alot better than I did a week ago. I've noticed a few things this last week....

I can actually EMPTY my bladder. Seriously....I just noticed the other day. I can go and empty my bladder when I first wake up, and it's actually empty. I don't have to go again 5 minutes later! How cool is that? It amazes me how long it's been since I could do that. Along with all the other problems endo has caused me, I just didnt realize the effect it was having on my bladder. I realized that I don't need to go all the time. I can wait an hour between trips to the potty! I suppose that either there was alot of endo on the bladder and/or ureters OR, my adenomyosis filled uterus was pressing on something, not allowing the bladder to fully empty. This is a bonus I was not expecting.

I won't go into detail except to say that my intestinal tract is working MUCH better than it used to. I think I now understand what "regularity" is. I also now know that it is NOT normal for bowel movements to be painful. How was I supposed to know? Again it was something I took for granted. The pain didn't just start all of a sudden one day. It started off small and grew out of control, just like all my other symptoms.

I can now get out of bed in the morning all by myself, without any help at all. I knew these last 6 months have been absolutely ridiculous. The amount of pain I was suffering with is absolutely unacceptable. I wonder now why I let it get so bad. I just didnt' feel like I had a choice. It is NOT normal to need someone to help you sit up in bed in the morning. I also don't have to curl up in a ball and stretch out my back muscles before attempting to sit up. Now, I can just sit up. It seems like such a simple concept for a "normal" person. For someone who has debilitating endo pain....it is truly a triumph to get out of bed in the morning, without excruciating pain. I will say this....the pain in my back is still not GONE, but it is greatly reduced. And it seems that the pain I do have is different than what I had before. I am hoping that this pain is due to healing. I realize just how much work was done to remove endo and adhesions from around my lower back area. I will wait a few months to truly decide how I'm feeling.

I have learned what a wonderful neighbor I have. I caught her the other night about 9:30 weeding my flower bed. Apparently she was bored as all her flower beds are beautiful and immaculate. She said to me that she realizes I can't bend and stretch to do the weeding, so she figured she would just do it for me. She also said she has a "plan" for this flower bed. She is going to did it all up, and turn the soil over. Then she wants to remove all my irises and cut up the tubers (which are huge and overgrown) to seperate the flowers. Then she's going to replant some in my garden and some in hers, and move some of her flowers from her garden to mine. There's also a shrub in my back yard with pretty yellow flowers. So she wants to put some of that in my flower bed. Could I have picked a BETTER neighbor? This is the same neighbor that brought me a get well soon basket! It's amazing because we've only lived here 6 months. I am so grateful to her.

I have learned that my mommy really loves me. She still won't let me do any house work. Laundry is now HER job, along with vacuuming. She's here almost every day, and the days she is not here, she calls to check and see if I need anything.

Although I still want to be alone most of the time, I don't feel angry anymore. I am coming to terms with what my poor body has been through. Slowly but surely my strength will come back and i will lose some of the weight I've been gaining. I am still not smoking, and I am proud of myself for that. Everything in its own time.

Each dawn a new day....each day a new beginning.

I am so happy to be back online. My poor old computer has finally completely packed it in. I mean, it won't even come on anymore.....it's dead. It served me well though. It was the first computer I actually bought myself 7 years ago....or is it 8? Either way....the poor thing has done its time.

I'm glad I decided to backup a bunch of files onto floppies a week or so ago. I think those files are now gone forever on my fried computer. I got all I needed, so whatever else is on there is not a big deal. My only concern now....what do I do with the silly thing? I mean I don't want to just throw it away! The monitor is still good, as are speakers, etc. I'm sure if I just donate it somewhere, they will take it.

So, I bet y'all are wondering (where the heck did that come from - I've never said the word y'all in my entire life) how am I online without my computer? Nope, my Dell has not yet arrived. I had a brainstorm this morning. A friend from work was coming over for lunch today. So I phoned her this morning to ask her to check to see if any of the department's "spare" laptops were available this week. Fancy that....one of the old Compaq's is available till next Tuesday. So No more "sister withdrawal" for a week! Maybe by then the poopy heads at Dell will have my computer ready.

Funny thing about those Dell people. Last week I was minding my own business, when the doorbell rings. I answer, and it's a courier. He hands me a little box, and I sign for it. I look at the box from Dell thinking Geez, computers sure have gotten small over the last few years! I look at the packing slip....it's 2 printer cartridges. No printer, no computer, just INK! They actually sent me INK....all by itself. For some reason, I found this just hysterical Ok, so I'm alone alot....doesn't take much to amuse me.

So, this morning, I'm sleeping...very comfy....cool breeze blowing in.....cat snuggled up behind my knees. I'm in the perfect "sweet spot....pillows perfect, body pillow clutched...oh....pure bliss. I was rudely awakened by the doorbell. Now it's a good thing I had some jammies on (if you could call boxer shorts and a tank top jammies). I shuffled down stairs (I was tempted to run....but tummy wouldn't like that). I open the door to another courier guy with a big box. Could it be????? My new computer???? I sign away, and ask courier guy to bring the box into the living room for me. He looked at me kinda funny and I said "just had surgery". Oh, ok....he was most happy to oblige. Man, this surgery excuse is going to serve me well. It explains not only why I can't lift things, but also why I look like hell .

Anyway....I look at the packing slip....nope, it's the PRINTER! now I have something to do with the INK they sent last week! Is it just me or does anyone else wonder why they don't just wait till they have the whole darn thing built, and then send it all together? I mean really what good is a printer without the rest of the computer????

Hey, maybe tomorrow they'll send a courier to deliver oh, I don't know.....a power cord????

Hello my dear sisters
My computer is officially on its last legs. Thank you very much to the Dell people for not having the necessary parts to build my new PC until the end of JULY! eeeeek! I will probably have to keep track of my daily journal entries on paper (the old fashioned way), and then enter them as I can get access to a computer. I know if I could get the energy up to walk over to mom & dad's I could use theirs whenever I want. But it's about a half mile walk, and I'm not quite up to it yet.

So, if you don't hear from me for awhile, it just means my pc has finally died

That said, I will try to write a bit before I get some strange "fatal protection error, or some such "tech speak"

I went to Michael's craft store today. I could spend hours in there, but I was a good Princess, and limited my browsing to about 45 minutes. So that makes 3 days in a row I've been "out". Today I picked up some floss and fabric for a new cross stitch project I've been DYING to start on. I had been working on this lovely "southwest" peice of chili peppers. But since I've moved, the design just won't "fit in" anywhere in my house. I've been trying to finish it, but I'm really not interested. I feel like I'm wasting my time on a peice that's just going to sit in a closet somewhere, and never even get framed.

I decided today....out with the old, in with the new. So I am now working on a beautiful peice on navy fabric. It's suns and moons and celestial bodies. It should be beautiful when finished.

I should end here, before this silly thing locks up on me again. Be back soon I hope.

Sunday...a much better day so far. It seems that my "leave me alone" mood has subsided a bit. I would still love to have the solitude, but at least I don't feel like ripping anyone's face off.

Ds is off to his grandparent's house(my mom & dad's) today. Maybe that's part of it. Maybe I just need the quiet. He's such a darling little boy, but he really does need ALOT of attention. He's an only child, so I can't exactly send him off to play with siblings. He will play by himself, but not for too long, before he gets bored.

I went grocery shopping today! Back into the land of the living! All I did was walk around the store and point at things, while dh did all the work. It took us about an hour, and that is definitely enough walking around for me. My back is now sore, and my belly is very swelly! For some reason, I'm retaining fluids....my hands and feet feel fat (ok, fatter than usual). I think this means I must drink more fluids. I've been kinda slacking off with the fluids the last few days, so I must be conscious of that.

While in the bookstore yesterday, I looked at a book about zodiac signs. I've always had people tell me..."you are SO libra". I guess I never really gave it much thought. Yesterday for some reason I decided to look into it. And yes, I must say....in the dictionary next to Libra there should be a picture of ME! Libra....see "Tam". Too funny. Did you realize that Libra is the ONLY inanimate object of the zodiac signs? Me neither. All the rest are human or animal, or some combination. The thing that stuck me most is that Libra people are the "peacemakers". Oh soooo true of me. Whenever people are arguing, I can't stand it! I always end up being the referee. It also explains my dislike of conflict. The one thing I found most striking is the fact that Libra's are hopeless romantics. oh yeah....that's me all right. It basically said that Libra's are in a constant search for the all-encompassing, neverending story book romance. Libra's believe in love, and are sometimes obsessed by the feeling of "being in love". Gee, do ya think? Could that be any more ME? Dh is a scorpio....I haven't really done much reading up on that yet, but when I do, I'll get back to you.

I've also always been amused by my Chinese zodiac symbol. I was born in the year of the dog. And one of the first things that it says in any book on Chinese astrology is that DOGS and DRAGONS should stay FAR away from one another. Well guess what? dh is a dragon (can you tell I don't like rules?). AND my dear friend Jan is also a dragon.

I am looking forward to tomorrow....back to my daily solitude.

I woke up this morning in a MOOD. Yup...that's me...queen of the mood swings. Every day is a new adventure, because nobody knows what I'm going to be like for the day.

I have one nerve left, and the entire world is stomping on it.

I did venture out today. Dh took me and ds out for lunch to the falafel place that I love. Normally I find the place really fun. It is always a very LOUD and boisterous place. But today, it annoyed me. It was crowded, and loud and obnoxious, and I just was not having fun. I didn't feel like eating falafels, so I had potato pancakes. These things are awesome. But of course they're oily and my stomach didn't like them. My poor son was annoying me. I don't know why, but he was. He was playing with the cap off his orange juice, spinning it around on the table. The sound was just annoying. Poor kid. I feel bad.

Then we went to the mall. I needed some stomach medicine to try to get this acid reflux problem under control. Fine and dandy. Then we walked over to the bookstore. This place is huge...it's like Chapters, but a Canadian owned store. Normally I love this store. I could spend hours browsing through books. Today, ds had to grab every second kids book off the shelf and ask if he could have it. I wish I'd had a tape recorder that just repeated NONONONONONONO constantly so he'd stop bugging me. It is very hard to "browse" when you have a 4 yr old with you. All I wanted was a book. Is that too much to ask? I need something intelligent to read. But I just can't buy a book on impulse....I have to WANT to read it. I had a few moments in the "womens health" section. Nothing there I haven't already read. On to the pagan/wicca/spirituality section. Hmmmm a bunch of really interesting books by Sylvia Browne (a psychic and medium). I could have bought one of those I suppose, but I wanted to read the dust jackets....decide exactly which one I wanted. But nooooooooo, all I hear is "can I have....." auuuughhh again.

Why could he not go and bother his father? He was there too....perusing heaven knows what area of the bookstore. At one point I wanted to look for a book on "how to lock your family in a room without getting in trouble" Or...."how to make yourself invisible, and then running around the store kicking people in the butt just for fun" I love my guys alot, but today I just didn't want to be around them.

This is weird though. I am alone most days (ok, except when my mom comes over to clean, do laundry, whatever). Basically, from 7:00 to 4:00 Monday to Friday, Dh and Ds are not in the house. You would think that I would be happy to spend Saturday with them. Nope, I was trying to think of ways to escape all day. I couldn't get the computer running until about 30 minutes ago. So that was out. I probably COULD drive, but I just am not sure yet, so I want to give it a few more days. Then again, where would I go? I was already sore from my short outing today.

I just want to crawl into a hole today. I wish I could just go hide in one of the walk in closets, with a blanket and a book. Ok everyone....pretend I'm not here. All I want is to be alone. I want to be alone with my thoughts and my feelings. I want the world to just go away. The only emotion I feel today is anger. I don't quite know what I'm angry at, but that's what I;m feeling, so I'll just own that.

Dh is trying to be nice and helpful, but today, it doesn't matter. I hate when I get like this. I certainly hope that tomorrow is a better day. I'm sore and achy and tired from my outing. I think I'll go to bed very early tonight.

I didn't know how to title this entry, so I'll just leave it at that.

Yesterday was obviously a day of feeling emotionally overwrought, and therefore, I percieved that as being weak. I have always had a really screwed up perspective of myself. Today I am seeing that in a really big way.

I am strong. I am actually stronger than I thought. In the past 3.5 weeks, I've had a hysterectomy, given up smoking, and weaned MYSELF off percoset. hmmmm not too bad for less than a month's work.

I've spent most of today cross stitching....something I haven't done for awhile. It's a hobby I love, yet the past year I just have not had the patience to sit and do it. I was in pain....my mind was spinning....I needed to smoke. The world seemed to be closing in on me. Today I feel much more free.

I've also had music on all day. Nothing in particular....just songs that inspire me and make me feel good and songs that touch my heart. Right now it's Amanda Marshall...earlier....Nickelback, and before that, Cyndi Lauper. I've had such a variety of cd's going today it looks like a tornado hit the cd rack. You never really realize how good music can make you feel until you realize you haven't heard any in awhile.

Today it suddenly hit me....I really am a strong woman. If I will only let myself try...and believe in myself, I can do anything I want to do. My dreams are all reachable, as long as I continue to believe.

I guess my poor old brain is tired, and can't come up with any original ideas of my own, so I'll just take ideas from everyone else's journals today and add my own thoughts!

I was just reading (((Jody)))'s journal, and she went on to talk about what a wonderful group of women we Hystersisters are. And I realized something yesterday when I was talking to Dee. Do you realize, that I love each and every one of you so very much? You are all so very important to me....and I think of you all every day. BUT I find it absolutely amuzing, that I have NO IDEA what any of you look like! Ok, I am mistaken....I know what (((Moonchime))) looks like (a definite hottie at 48 I must say) because she has a link to her website. And I know what Dee looks like, because she sent me a picture, and I've met her in person. (another hottie) I don't know if any of you have put pictures of yourselves on the site or not, as I hadn't thought to look. For some reason, it just doesn't matter.

That is my point here....it hadn't even crossed my mind as to what any of you look like. We could all be white, black, red, yellow, green, or purple or "sky blue pink with yellow polka dots" (that's a term my mom used to use when teaching me about not judging by the color of people's skin...I think I was 3)) for all we care right? We are likely tall, short, thin, fluffy, all hair colors, all eye colors.....

Geez, for all you guys know, I could have an orange mohawk, a plate in my lip, and a bone through my nose! I could be 800 pounds. I could have tattoos from my head to my toes. I could have disfiguring deformities. Why is it that in this beautiful group of women.....nobody cares? It doesn't matter to any of you what I look like, because you've all gotten to know Tam....the person. You all know my heart, and my mind, and that is really what is important about us as women. I wonder.....would it change the way anyone felt about me if I were to post a picture? Somehow I know in my heart that it wouldn't change the way any of you feel about me. I'd still be Tam.

By the way....I am pretty normal looking.....although normal is a relative term.

Ok ladies....just a little variation on the Chai Tea thing. This recipe was given to me by a little lady from India. It is heavenly. I went to college with a guy named Jeev. He was straight from India, and was such a sweetheart. Every day, Jeev's mom would send him to school with a big thermos of this tea. Well, once I'd tasted it, I loved it. Jeev and I would share the tea every day. Well one day, he came to shcool with two thermoses....his mom had made one for me too! And she gave me the recipe with it. I suppose that was her hint that I should leave Jeev's tea alone and make my own

Place about 4 - 6 cups of water in a pot on the stove
Add 1/2 tsp of fennel seed and about 1/4 tsp ground cardamom and a couple of shakes of dried powdered ginger. You can add some cinnamon too, but I'm not fond of it.

Bring to a rolling boil....let boil for 5 minutes.

Strain out the seeds, etc and put water back on to Simmer. Add 2 teabags (regular black tea like Red Rose or Tetley), and let simmer for 5 minutes

Remove tea bags and discard

Into the pot, Add sugar to taste....I like LOTS of sugar, as this is how Jeev's mom made it for me! Then add cream (half & half) so that the tea turns a lovely creamy tan color (it's actually your preference how much to add, but again, I like it really creamy) Note...you can use milk, but it is nowhere NEAR as good!

Then, bring to a boil again. Once it has boiled, it is ready to drink.

Again, you have to use trial and error. Just try different amounts of sugar and cream to see what you like.
I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do.

After my last VERY long rant and outburst of emotions I was reading a couple of comments, and I came across this:

You nailed it PrairieLakeLady....this is the end of what I thought might be possible.

Before the hyst there was always that little tiny bit of hope that I could grasp on to....that who knows...a miracle could happen and I could get pregnant.

Now that chance is truly gone forever and that really really hurts

****, I thought I was past this already.

Is that even a word?
I'm feeling very melancholy today. It's just another mood swing I'm sure....nothing to be concerned about.

After yesterday's giggle fit at all the "hysterphobias", today just feels different. By the way....thank you ladies who added to the phobia list...I was giggling so hard that dh had to come down here to see what I was laughing at.

Today I am glad that I had my hysterectomy. My back pain is not nearly as bad as the past few days. The main thing I noticed is that it was not "absolutely horrible" when I got out of bed this morning. As you all may remember prior to my surgery, some mornings I literally needed dh's help to sit up. Well no more. Since surgery I've been able to sit up on my own. As I sit here at the computer, yes my back is a bit stiff. BUT....I do not have that severe burning, stabbing indescribable endo pain. For that I am thankful. Thank you ladies for reminding me to listen to my body, and realize that this pain is different than what I had before.

I do feel strange though. It is not as though I feel something physical is missing from my body. I know that obviously there are parts missing that were removed. However I never did feel a strong attachment to my uterus. I was never able to carry a baby in there, so to me it was about as useful as an you know what on a bull. So, why do I feel weird I wonder. I have had to deal with infertility all my adult life it seems. At 22 dh and I stopped using any form of birth control, and just decided to see where things went. Obviously nowhere.

I find myself somewhat angry today at all the doctors who refused to believe that there was something wrong with me. My GP is a great lady. I've been with her since she started her practice. I think I was 12. She is the type of doc who has chosen to keep her practice fairly small so that she is available when her patients actually need to see her. If I were to call right now, then I know she would see me this afternoon. All of my other medical problems she has taken seriously. She nearly missed a plane the day I walked in there dying of thirst, and with a blood sugar level of 18 (it should be less than 7). I was diabetic, and she wanted to ensure she got me in to see an endocrinologist the next day. She actually paged one out of a meeting at the hospital in order to get me an appointment. When I went in to her complaining of headaches and dizziness and just generally not feeling well, she diagnosed my blood pressure being really high (due to diet and lifestyle changes it's fine now). So in every aspect, Dr B has taken me seriously, EXCEPT when it came to my periods. Oh...it's just cramps. Oh, some clots are normal. Oh....lots of people have back pain. Yes many women vomit during their periods. OK Dr B....is it normal to be curled up in a ball crying for hours? Apparently she figured this was acceptable....OR she thought I was being a drama queen and over reacting.

Eventually, I realized that dh and I were NOT going to be able to conceive on our own. It had been oh...bout 2 years of trying (and believe me...we TRIED ). So, Dr B sent me to Dr Gyn #1. Now #1 was supposedly very good. I'd known other ladies who had seen him and they LOVED him. #1 asked many questions about my reproductive system, and my periods, and other personal aspects of my trying to conceive. He decided that I needed to take Clomid - a fertility drug for several months. No other tests were ordered, besides blood draw for hormone levels. Fine and dandy...what about my painful periods, and clots? Oh, well, it doesn't sound like anything out of the ordinary. Gee thanks #1.....I'm just a big suck who can't handle pain.

Needless to say....Clomid didn't work. Dr. #1 left town to go work in the US. Fine. Back to Dr. B. Still not pregnant. Well....maybe you should see Dr. K at the fertility clinic. Fine....shell out a few hundred to see him (fertility clinic services are NOT covered by any kind of insurance or the provincial health care system) Dr. K sees both me and dh. Blood tests are run, semen samples are analyzed. Bloodwork is fine. Semen tests are not. Go home and chart ovulation. Ok, I don't ovulate. Fine....more Clomid. Aha....I can ovulate with a little hormonal kick in the pants from the clomid. Nevertheless...still can't conceive with dh. What next? Donor insemination. Nope, not gonna do that. Why? too radical. Go home, talk about it, decide we really want a baby. Decide ok, we will use the donor. Back to clinic to choose a donor. None offered sounded anything like dh. So, we chose one that resembled my brother and me (maybe a family resemblance on one side?) Well, after several thousand dollars, still no baby.

Why did Dr. K not suspect anything wrong with me? He knew of my horrid periods, my ridiculous bleeding and clotting. Why why why did nobody do anything to check me out? He didn't even check to see if my tubes were clear or not. Why didn't I do more research and learn about this endo thing sooner? Why didn't I know that a uterus full of adenomyosis likely couldn't support a pregnancy anyway.

I just want to know why.

Years passed. I dealt with the infertility. We were offered in vitro. We couldn't afford it. I found myself angry all the time that ABORTION was free, but the creation of life cost $10,000. It seemed everyone around me was pregnant. I swirled into a very deep depression that required medical intervention and drug therapy.

Back to Dr B.....she still didn't believe that things were THAT bad. She prescribed more tylenol 3 and naproxen and tried to send me on my way. By this point, I'd done the research into different "female problems" and I knew that there was something very wrong with me. I've always been very in tune with my body, and always know when something isn't right. WEll, something wasn't right, and I was screaming to be heard. I finally asked her to please refer me to a new gyn.

That begins the story of me and Prince Charming, which I have already told earlier on in my journal. It's been an amazing year for me and the Prince. Three surgeries in all....the last one my TAH just over 3 weeks ago. I am thankful to him for listening. I thank him for believing in me. I thank him for being honest and treating me so well. Prince Charming....in some ways, you saved my life.

I often wonder what would have happened if I had been taken seriously at 16 or 18 or 22. Could they have diagnosed the endo earlier? Could it have been removed, and my fertility preserved? Would I have been able to have a baby the old fashioned way, instead of trying in the cold bright office of a fertility clinic, with a Doctor using "sterile procedures"? How romantic huh?

I do wonder why my life has gone this way. I have much to be thankful for. I have my beautiful son, who was adopted. I couldn't love him more if he were biologically mine. Some days that little boy has been my only reason for living....when the pain got so bad. That's another thing....why was I allowed to suffer in so much pain for so long? How much can one person be expected to endure? Why did I get so good at putting on a happy face and being my bubbly outgoing self? Because everyone had led me to believe that my pain was not real.

Aaauuughhh....I can't even keep my thoughts straight right now. I've probably written all of this down already in my journal somewhere, but for some reason today, it is all just weighing heavily on my mind.

I wonder....what is next for me? I've been through alot so far in this life, but what's next? I feel that there is some other bombshell waiting to be dropped on me from above. Apparently the "powers that be" be it God or Buddha or Allah, or the cat, or the teapot or whatever....they think I am strong enough to handle all this. But where does it end? Do I ever get a chance to just be peaceful and happy without some sort of drama in my life? Will I ever be at peace with myself and with the life path I have chosen? Will things stay the same? Will I remain content in a life that I often think is not what I want? Or will I make huge changes to who I am and what I want, and what my goals for the future are?

Some days I just wish that my mind and my thoughts would be quiet. I am a thinker. I think too much, I overanalyze too much, and it's exhausting. I know if life were easy, it wouldn't really be worth all that much to us now would it? It's the challenges we face, and the choices we make that define who we are as individuals. I wish the choices were easier to make, and act upon.

Why does my heart feel so heavy today? Why do i hurt inside?

Sometimes.....life ain't fair

Was talking about having a bath in a post on the post-op board, and one lady came up with this term:

HYSTERBATHAPHOBIA - to describe hystersisters irrational fear of having a bath too early post-op.that is hilarious!!!!

So, I thought I'd come up with a few of my own. How bout HYSTERSWIMAPHOBIA.....
HYSTERDRIVEAPHOBIA
HYSTERSHOPOPHOBIA
HYSTERSNEEZEOPHOBIA
HYSTERPOOPOPHOBIA

I'm sure I'll come up with some more....I can't stop giggling

What a surprise. Two of my dear friends from work dropped by at lunch today, and delivered exactly what I needed. Some s!!! What a comical trio we are....J (my girl friend) is 5 foot nothing and 90 pounds, while JO (guy friend) is 6 foot 4 and about 215 pounds, and then there's me....5 foot 2 and fluffy. We look hilarious all together.

Those two did wonders to lift my spirits! JO told me that it's very lonely for him to go to the coffee room in the morning to get his coffee, because there's nobody there to greet him with a hug (that's part of our morning routine) Don't worry...it's a VERY platonic hug....JO is a minister!!!! He and I have just become really good friends over the last 4 years, and I just really care for him. My girl friend J is very lonely without me. She and I are VERY close friends both in and out of work. She's kinda like a best friend/surrogate mom. I love her to peices. I was finally able to give J her birthday present...a beautiful cross stitch kit of a wolf. She loved it.

Now I'm smiling. It takes so little to make me happy.

I don't know why, but today I feel sort of weird. I didn't nap at all yesterday, and I went to bed quite late. So I suppose that means I will sleep most of the day away today.

I feel a bit queasy, and my stomach is doing flip flops. I have a touch of the "scoots" (every family has a different word for diarrhea....some call it the trots.....I call them the scoots ) I know, too much information. But again, I thought I should record just exactly how I feel day to day. Maybe I've got a little "tummy bug". I hope not.

My back is still very sore. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry...it's just sore muscles, etc etc etc, still recovering, etc etc. I want to believe everyone, but still I am afraid that my hyst was not the cure for my neverending low back pain. It actually terrifies me. What then? Narcotics for the rest of my life? I don't even want to consider that avenue for now.

I watched Chris Rock's new HBO special last night. The man has got such a foul mouth....but he's funny. I could actually laugh without crying after from the pain in my belly. I guess that is a really good sign that healing is occuring. But I did sneeze this morning (6 times in a row of course) for the first time since surgery. OWIE OWIE OWIE! It hurt where I assume my vaginal cuff is. What a strange pain.

I'm in a crabby mood. But I always get that way when I have a cold sore (yup still whining about it....and can't get in to the doc today for Zovirax either). I'm hungry, but dont' know what I want to eat. Ok, I do know....I want a pint of Haagen Dasz coffee ice cream, and a bag of double stuffed Fudgee-O-s. It is a very good thing that I have NEITHER of those two things in the house, or they would be so gone! I know, I should eat something healthy....but I don't feel like it. Maybe when my mommy gets here she will make me eat something. She usually does. Maybe I just need a nap.

As my dh would say.....I think I woke up on the wrong side of the WEB this morning. Maybe I'll go and do some cross stitch after my nap....a change of pace from sitting in front of the computer (which I know I've been doing way too much of).

later sisters

I believe in fate. I believe that there are people in this world that you are meant to meet in your lifetime. I believe that those people come into your life for a reason. I believe that I found one of those people here at Hystersisters.

Now ladies....know that I love you all....every one of you, I think I was meant to know you all, and our paths were meant to cross at this time in our lives, so don't feel left out by what I am about to say here. That is not my intention. There is just someone really special here that I need to make note of.

Dee, you are that special friend that I found here. So much of our lives have been so very alike. It is so unfortunate that the two of us had to meet under such stressful circumstances....chronic pain, hysterectomies, and the like. But I know that there is a reason that we met at this time, and in this place in our lives. You have done more for me in the short time we've known each other, than so-called friends I've known all my life. You understand so much about the way I feel, that it is sometimes spooky. Could we be kindred spirits? Did we know each other in a past life (or is that too much as (((empresse))) would call "hooey&quot? I haven't a clue why I feel so very drawn to your warmth and your kindness.

Dee you often apologize not only to me, but to everyone here at hystersisters for always talking about the negative. Sweetie, that is ok, for at this time in your life, you need the positive thoughts and prayers from the rest of us. You don't even realize it, but through our little "chats" I have come to know just how big your heart is, and how much you care about others. So stop apologizing. Because of who you are, and your experiences, you are helping me to become that "real me" that I want to be. You have shared with me that it's ok to be afraid, and it's ok to feel vulnerable. You've also reminded me what it is to be a real friend.

I see your true colors shining through
I see your true colors and that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors
are beautiful
like a rainbow

That just kept running through my head as I was thinking about you and me and "issues" in my life. It's from the song True Colors by Cyndi Lauper. This song has VERY special meaning to me, as someone very special to me asked me to listen to it one day. So Dee, your true colors are beautiful. And thank you for letting me show you mine.

with much love
Tam

STUPID STUPID STUPID cold sore!!!!!
It happens every single time. Whenever my resistance is low, it seems that this lovely virus loves to rear its ugly head. There is nothing more irritating to me than a cold sore. Why am I telling everyone in the world this? Because it annoys me. And because I can! That is what my journal is all about. If you all are gonna read it, then you're gonna have to take the good with the bad

Actually, it really just shows me how much this hyst and recovery are taking out of me. My body is working so hard to heal that it leaves nothing left to fight other foreign invaders. I know, the cold sore virus already lives in my body, but it's sneaky...it realizes that all the white blood cells are busy doing other stuff.....so off to my lip go the icky virus particles. And wah-lah there in the exact same place I always get them....a tiny little tingly feeling starts. So off I run to check.....begging that no, not now....but alas, there it is, the tiny itty bitty blister that signals an eruption of virus particles.

AUUUUUGGGHHHH! Luckily I still have some Zilactin from the last time. For those of you who get cold sores....this stuff is wonderful. It's a numbing medicine that forms a barrier over the sore, so it's not quite as annoying, and it helps to dry it out.

Enough about my stupid problems.

Thank you all for your comments to yesterday's entry. You were all correct in that my poor body just needed to spend a day doing absolutely nothing. I rather enjoyed it actually. It was a cool and gloomy day here, so laying on the couch wrapped in a cozy blankie was just what I needed.

This morning it only took me an HOUR to get this stupid computer booted up and ready to go. The thing is FRIED. I can't wait until my new one arrives. Once I'm finished this entry I will go to the website, and track what is going on with the new one. It will be so nice to just come down here, press the ON button, and be ready to go. This thing is a royal pain just to get it up and running. First you have to deal with a bunch of different errors, then you must turn off the power, stand on one foot, pray to the computer Gods, and whistle dixie, while spinning in a circle. Then maybe if I'm lucky....I can connect to the internet.

As you can see I'm in a much better mood today. My mom and I had a great talk yesterday about how the hysterectomy really does a number on your emotions. I had completely forgotten, but my mom was only home from the castle about a week, when September 11th happened. I remember phoning her from work to tell her to put on CNN to see what happened. Within 3 minutes, she was completely hysterical. I had to leave work, and go to her house, just to get her calmed down. Keep in mind, my mom is NOT normally prone to hysteria. She's pretty level headed. But when I got to her house, she was sitting on the couch, just crying her eyes out. She was convinced that the whole world was going to war, and that she was going to die with a catheter still in.

While I was there, we both watched the second plane collide with the towers. Another wave of tears. Poor mom. I had never seen her so upset or frightened. Of course I was a little freaked out too, but my mommy needed me. My boss of course was most understanding (as he always is....family comes first) so I spent a good two hours at mom's making sure she was ok. She had been through so much. What started off as a routine hyst due to abnormal bleeding (hemorraghing) post menopause, ended up being a 5 hour surgery. It seems that her two c-sections (she thanked my brother and I profusely for this ) had left so much scar tissue, that the bladder was adhered to the uterus. A urologist had to be called in to repair her bladder (hence being at home with a catheter).

Post op mom's blood pressure kept dropping. She had opted for an epidural with sedation for her hyst, but because of the extensive surgery required, they ended up giving her a general as well. So when she woke up, she was really full of anaesthetic. She normally has fairly low bp, but because of surgery it dropped even lower. There were times that the nurses were a bit concerned, but she was fine. The only problem being that she could not have any narcotics for pain, as that would have dropped the bp even more. Mom was ok with that. She didn't really have that much pain (according to her anyway). She was more frightened about the low bp. I wish the doc had reassured her that this was normal following the amount of anaesthetic she had.

It was really good to be able to talk about this with mom. She completely understands my emotional rollercoaster. She also keeps reassuring me that I am doing really well in my recovery. Most of all, she has taken on the task of maintaining my household while I rest. Three cheers for my MOMMY! :

I took everyone's advice today, and did absolutely nothing but rest. I dozed off and on all day, and my biggest expenditure of energy was on having a shower.

My stomach feels much better now. I've only taken one pain pill today, and I'm not feeling too bad. My incision is just really itchy.

I am so very tired and worn out today, so this is just a short entry to say....I'm going to bed early tonight with a good book.

Good night my divine sisters

I woke up at 4 am with the WORST heartburn. Literally, I was coughing and spluttering because there was stomach acid in my throat. EEEEW! I should have known it would happen eventually. I've been taking 600mg of Motrin twice a day. I figured that if I took it with food, that I would be ok.

Apparently NOT. No more Motrin for me.

I hope I haven't caused any real damage to my stomach.

Of course I should be sleeping, but alas, I had a late afternoon nap again, and therefore I am not sleepy right now. Around 9:30pm, dh came down here to say goodnight, as he was headed off to sleep. He looked exhausted. When I told him this, his comment was "I need a vacation", and so I said "so take a vacation". He gave me some kind of weird look. Ok, fine, so don't take a vacation, see if I care.

I know that all the extra responsibility is getting to him. He would NEVER admit it, but I know him, far better than he thinks I do. It's been months that I've not been well, and he's had to do a whole lot more around here than ever before. I know that he probably feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulders. But really, there ain't that much weight. Yes, he has been cooking suppers and doing dishes and loading and unloading the dishwasher. He;s also done the odd load of laundry. But, the major cleaning is still being done by my mom. So really he doesn't have THAT much to do. Obviously I'd trade places with him in a minute, in order to feel healthy again. I;d trade in the last 6 months of hell to do ALL of the housework, childcare, yardwork and all other responsibilities in a heartbeat if it were possible.

Now of course even if dh is feeling this way he would not say anything to me. He knows that there is no way around this. I have been ill, and am now recovering from surgery, so what exactly am I supposed to say to the fact that he needs a vacation? What he means by a vacation is....spending time by himself for a couple of days doing absolutely nothing.

I have always been the type of person who LOVES solitude. Before my ds came into our lives, I would pack up myself and the dog, and go to my parent's cabin for 4 days or so all by myself. Dh would stay home, and we could both have our alone time. I think that is the one thing I miss most having a child in my life, is my alone time. It sounds very selfish I know, but some days I really do want to just pack up and run away for a few days to "spiritually recharge". When I'm alone I usually do things just for me. I read, I write, I reflect. It's not that I dont' love my son dearly, I really really do adore him. But solitude is so much a part of "me", and I don't want to lose that.

Yes I do love spending time with my son, although I haven't been the kind of mom that I want to be for the last 6-12 months. I want to run and play with him. I want to take him to swimming lessons, and go to the "mom and me" sessions. I want to teach him to ride his bike. These are things I haven't been able to do. Riding his bike is something of a bone of contention between dh and I. Since I can't run after ds and hold the bike up, I think dh should do it. WEll, dh doesn't have any patience, and figures ds should just teach himself how to ride the bike. This is of course unreasonable, so I've been angry at dh this weekend. No the weather wasnt' perfect this weekend, but it was good enough to get out and spend an hour each day just practicing the bike riding. Why didn't I say anything? Hmmmmm good question. I did say that I wouldn't keep anything inside anymore didnt' I? Maybe if I call my dad to come over and help Ds with the bike riding, then dh might get the hint?

I dunno. Marriage is extremely difficult. Does true story book love exist? Or is happiness a matter of finding someone that you can tolerate spending the rest of your life with? How do you know that you're with "the one"? I often wonder. Yes dh and I love each other alot, but are we compatible? Sometimes I just don't know.

sigh....I think too much