I know I have been away for awhile. I am sorry that I haven't kept in touch. I am going through alot in life. I am trying to get off all this med and it is really a challenge. I went to several hospitals and was told that unless I was suicidal or homicidal they wouldn't help me. Plus I was told that if I tried to get off my med I would die. This person also told me that because I smoke and am over weight, I couldn't possibly want to live. So I have decided to take matters in my own hands. I am starting to see a counselor and switching my pain mgnt. who loves to just give me more drugs I am tired of living my life in a bottle.
I know some of you out there know what I am talking about....Please pray for me.
Take care I will explain later.
Jen

I have had a night of yuck. I was up every 45 min. to an hour with a sick puppy, then my 8yr old DS woke up with an upset stomach. He is home from school due to vomiting. I had it all weekend and Mon. I just started to feel better yesterday. Now I am exhausted. I am waiting to get DH up then I am going to lay down for a lil while.
He informed me yesterday that his work day is going to insist of a Suns Baseball game. It is what they call manditory fun. What they don't know is Dh is not a huge sports fan the only games he likes to watch are the ones our boyzzz play in. I am the sports fan. I watch the games on TV not him. He is the one yelling "oh no not another game". All our friends laugh and the men are so jealous.
I am glad though because he is not a very outgoing person so it is good for him to be made to go out with friends. I just wish he would enjoy the events a lil more. Last time it was golf. He has tried but just isn't a natural born golfer. He is not very good.
I hope all my sisters are safe and not in harms way from Katrina. I feel so much sympathy for those poor people who have had everything taken from them. I am truly praying for thier continued safety. It also angers me taht there are so many people taking advantage of them, with the looting, and vandalism. I sure hope that the law enforcement, and military can resume some control.
Love Jen

Well, I made it to meet my new pcm yesterday. And it was a horrible day. I woke up with a killer migraine, so DH had to take the day off to take me to my appt. Well, the dr seemed very sweet and she was thankful that I had wrote down all my meds for her. She asked about my depression and if anyone had ever discussed Bi-polar with me. I told her no. She then asked if she could treat my migraine and have me back next week to do my physical I was thrilled with that. Well, she asked if I had ever had nubaine, and phenergan. I told her yes, I had nubaine several years ago with my third child, I have been on phenergan several times since then. Well, she had the nurse administer the injection of phenergan and nubaine while she talked with my DH about my history a lil bit. About fifteen min after the injections I started feeling funny. I asked to go to the bathroom while in the bathroom I started shaking, and having trouble breathing. I went back in the room and the shaking go worse, then I started yawning and sweating my skin felt like it was on fire, but I was shaking and freezing I told the dr. that I didn't feel right. She told me to lay down and she would be right back. My DH said that I basically went incoherent after that and started having what he thought was a seizure. Well, the head dr. came in and said that I was having severe withdrawl symptoms. The nubaine is a narcotic inhibitor, and since I am on Methadone by my pain mgnt dr. it sent me into immediate and severe withdraw. My dh asked what they could do because I was truly suffering. The dr said I would have to suffer. Well, then he told my dh I was an addict, and that he was going to send me to the ER so they could deal with me.
Dh took me to the ER and the dr there told DH that I was an addict to. And that I was indeed going through withdrawl but it was a mild case. (Well if that was mild I couldn't imagine worse.) I felt like i was dying. My DH went next door to my Pain dr and told them what was going on. He was p*&$#d to say the least. He came in and gave me a med called Adavan and it put me to sleep and relaxed me so I wasn't hurting anymore it didn't stop the withdrawls there was nothing he could do but let the Nubaine wear off. But he was very unhappy. He told Dh to never let anyone give me Nubaine or Stadol ever again as long as I was on Methadone treatment. I wanted to let all my sisters know. I know some of you are on Pain therapy to adn I would hate to have any of you go through what I went through yesterday.
I am still angry that I was made out to be the bad guy. Even DH said last night when I finnaly woke up. " Do you know what happened today. I said yes and he said so you know you are an ADDICT. I said no, I am dependent and I am under a drs. care for it. I was very hurt. He said no I am an addict and I need to stop taking all this stuff. I don't know what to do.
I just wanted to warn you. Please be careful, I mean the dr knew my meds and still did this... I should have been better educated. I am so careful myself I never take anything over the counter but I never would have guessed a dr would have given me something that could have very easily killed me.
I was truly kept safe by my angel yesterday.
Love Jen

I am really feeling down. I have tried to finish the house and get everything done but I can't seem to ever get ahead. I feel like all I want to do is sleep. I force myself to unpack, and the downstairs is perfect, but upstairs is a disaster. It has all the boyzzz stuff up there and it is really driving me nuts. I have gone up there and unpacked a few boxes but never feel like I have made any progress. And I know DH is getting frustrated. He has really busted his BUTT getting this place together. He has totally finished the yard and has almost got his garage in order.
I feel like I am running is circles . I take the boyzzz to school, come home take my meds lay down for an hour or two, (the meds make me drowsy), try to do some housework, try to work upstairs, and then go get the kids, tyr to work upstairs a lil more, then take them to football practice all at the same time all different places, come home make dinner, tuck the kids in, clean the kitchen, set out clothes for the next day, pick up the house, try to take a few min to relax, then go to bed ... And he asks me last night "what do you do all day???) He said it should already be done... I wanted to scream instead I didn't say anything and cried myself to sleep...
I wish he could feel the pain I am in everyday and still try to function. Not to mention I am out of my hormones and I am stuck in a loop whole about my drs. so I don't see my new one til Fri. and have been out for two weeks. I am sure that is what is causing my migranes to attack againl. But I am still non functioning with them and what kills me is one of the girls that he works wiht suffers and he never says a thing if she goes home.. He always calls to check on her and see if she needs anything.
Thank you for letting me vent...
I need to go put the kids to bed...
Jen

Hi dear sisters,

I think I finally found what I want to be when I grow up. I was at football practice tonight when I saw a friend that I havent' seen if forever about a year. I saw her walk to her truck so I wasn't going to go after her. Well, she was sitting in her truck for a little while so I walked over to say hi. She and I talked for awhile and she asked what I was up to now that I was home alone. I told her trying to decide whether or not to go to school. Well, she asked how I felt about child abuse and helping the kids. I said I would love to know how to help and make a difference. She invited me to lunch and to go to work with her. I was shocked but she handed me a card that said CASA... Court Appointed Special Advocates for children...

I guess they go to court and become the voice of the abused child. She said that they will train me and I will have to volunteer for a while but they have an opening now for part time. She started out volunteering and worked her way up to the Executive Director in a matter of two years. I think it is something I am seriously going to think about.

I came home all excited about it and DH was real supportive he said he thought I would be good as long as I thought I could handle the emotional part of it. I know that as long as I believed I could help even one child I would feel like a queen. I have watched kids my whole life who were abused sexually physically or mentally and no one ever stood up for htem. I want to be that voice.

I will let you know how it goes.

Thanks
Jen

My friend just called she was crying uncontrolably. She had a long talk with her DH and finally asked him what made him have the affair to begin with. He responded with " you told me to" Of course she asked him if he was nuts, but he said remember about six months ago when we were talking about our @#$ life. And i was complaining about you not wanting to , you told me to go find someone to make me happy...
My friend couldn't believe he was telling her that. I asked her if he really thought she was stupid enough to believe that. I also told her that he is just trying to ease his guilty conscience. She agreed but yet again is meeting him for a beer and a game of pool tonight. I really hope he doesn't say anything to upset her again. Yesterday he asked if he could bring the other woman on their family vacation then when she said no, he said that he wasn't going...
I am not sure how tonight is going to work out.
I am very worried about her... Please pray for her and her kids... Thank you
Jen

My boyzzz got thier pads yesterday, and are at thier first practice tonight. DH took them as I have a killer migraine. I am waiting for them to get home and pass out. My oldest one actually had his first practice last night but had to sit the sidelines because while we were out on the boat Sunday he was tubing and my DH (playing of course) turned the boat and slung him off. Well wouldn't you know it the way he fell he pulled his groin muscle so we spent Sunday night in the ER. Dh felt awful, and still does. DS is trying practice tonight. The coach and I both told him not to push himself. The first game isn't for two weeks. Plus the coach knows how good Ds is and won't give his position away.

I need some advice sisters. My bestfriend from kindergarten is going through a very hard time. She and her husband are like me and mine. They have been together since she was 16 and married for 14 years. Well, about four or five months ago he told her that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married anymore. He wasn't leaving but he didn't know what he wanted. He started taking long walks and coming home late from work and just not bieng himself. Well, of course she started asking if he was having an affair he denied the accusation but she still was curious, seeing as he has had two other extra- maritial affairs.
Well sure enough about a month he showed up at the house with his GIRLFRIEND and packed his bags, told my GF that he was leaving, seems that he has been seeing this girl for awhile and her husband found them together and threw her out. She had no where to go so he was going to take care of her.
Of course this devasted my friend. She has really taken this hard. She begs him to come home and swears she doesnt' care. He is really bieng a jerk about the whole thing. One minute he is calling her telling "her she was on his mind." The next he is telling her details about his and his mistress's sex. He has still had sex with my friend, telling her that he still loves her and always will. He told my friend that he had stopped seeing this other woman well last night she saw them at a gas station together. He had just left her and thier three kids to go to work or so he said. When she confronted them he told her that he was with this other woman and that she needed to get that through her head.
I don't know what to say to her. I want her to be angry with him..
Well the boyzzz just walked in.
Talk later
jen

Hello there my dear sisters. I just wanted to say hi and let you guys know what has been going on I have been still trying to get used to the new meds, and unpack the house. I don't think I will ever get upstairs done. Every time I get up there and seperate things the boyzzz go up after school and put everything back in the same boxes so tne next morning I end up redoing all the stuff I did the day before. Not to mention I am still very sore and I am still trying to get my pain under control. The dr. Changed my meds. again so hopefully that will start helping soon.
The boyzzz love having the days to myself. But I am lonely I will not deny that. I am not used to having all this time. This is the first ime in 12 years that i have been by myself during the day. I am thinking about going back to school. I just don;t now exactly what I want to do when I grow up
I started out working for my human services associates degree but I don't know now. I think I would like councling or working with kids or women that have been in abusive relationships, I know some police dept. have people that come in after an incident and help the woman find the shelter or money and help with dealing with what happened. Then sometimes I think I couldn't handle that.
I would love to be able to help people and I know I couldn't be a nurse. I don't have the stomach. My sisters are both MA's and my middle sister is going for her LPN starting next week. I guess I could just go and get a general degree and then decide. A least I wouldn't be sitting around the house all the time.
I signed my boyzzz up for football last week. $125 for the three of them to play then we find out that we have to shell out another $50 bucks for uniforms a piece. That means that we pay $75 bucks a piece for them to play then on top of that my husband and I have to pay to watch the game. Tell me that isn't the pits. Oh yeah we have to supply cleats, mouth gaurds, and socks ourself. And the parents take turns providing the water and gatorade for the team during the game... Pretty crappy huh.
I need to get off...
I will talk to you later

Love
Jen

I know I have beenaway for some time. I have still been getting my house back together. Not to mention that I had to have a myleogram on thursday and then an epidural injection today. My back is killing me, and if that wasn't enough my head is killing. me. The dr changed my patch and put me back on the Methadone. I am not sure I like the idea. It really scares me to say that. I know it is because when you think of Methadone I think of recovering drug addicts. My dr. laughs and said that it is one of the best pain killers for my condition.
We are leaving in the morning to go to Lakeland Fl to see my grandparents. On Sunday we are going to Busch Gardens. I am hoping that I will feel like going. If not I wll stay and visit with my Memaw.
I hope all is good. Now that my house is somewhat in order I wll try to write more often.

Take care
Jen

I wanted to let you all know that I am still here and kicking. We are finally in our new house and it is starting to look like home. I love it. Of course I hate the unpacking and trying to figure out where to put everything. It is coming together slowly. It didn't help that dear ol' hubby ended up with strep throat.
Well i hate to run but kids are screaming..
Love Jen

We welcomed a new addition to our family yesterday. My girl friend gave me a puppy for my birthday. He is so cute, he is part chihuahua, part mini dashaund. He is pure spitfire. He has been torturing my Emma, who is about 60lbs to his 1 1/2lbs. It is so funny they were playing tug of war with a rope, he was just a growling and barking and my Emma was pulling him around but he didn't let go.
I hope this finds all of you healthy and happy.
Take care
Jeni

Boy so much has happened the past few weeks. Dh and I had decided to add on to our home, to make it a four bedroom 2 1/2 bath. We hired a contractor and Dh drew up the plans. We had to submit an appeal to the county because we were going to go over our property line by 11 in. Every one in our neighborhood recieved a letter asking if it was OK. How silly is that, we were expanding to the road, not anyones house.
Well, that kinda got ditched because of a friend of mine that used to live one street over. See she and her husband were in the military too and when they transfered I wanted to buy thier house but we werent' sure if we would be here or not. Well, she came to spend a few days with us, and on a whim we went to see what they had done with the house and low and behold it was for sale. Well, that was on a Wed... We did a walk through on Thursday and put an offer in on Friday. I am so excited. We close on May 25th and can move in on May 27th (my b-day) what a gift huh... We have decided to keep this one 1780sqft 3 b3droom 2bath for an investment and rent. Hopefully it will rent fast. I don't want to pay two morgage payments for long.
My new house is 2510sqft 4bdrm 3ba, formal living, dining, den downstairs and den upstairs, and a 22ftx22ft Florida rm on the back... I am so excited to have a bigger house so that each of my boyzzz can have thier own room not that it will matter they will probably still sleep together. Especially the little ones.
I also have an interview tomorrow withe the rental agency on Mon. for a property mgt assistance. The lady that came to start the rental agreement was talking about her assistant leaving and that she needed to find a replacement. I have been seriously thinking about getting my real estate licience. She mentioned that if I went to work for this company they would pay for me to go to school and get my lisence, then after I make my first sale the will pay me back again. I said yes I would love to go to work with her. And the hours are perfect 9am - 1pm... Perfect mommy hours. Please keep me in your thoughts on Mon. I will let you know how it goes.

Love Ya
Jen

I had my surgery on Mon. They were able to do the laporoscopy but he had to make four rather large incisions. I am feeling a lot better today with only terrible gas left... I think my tummy is going to explode. If only I was a normal person and could just go to the bathroom, lol... It is so painful for me to have gas because for some reason my body just doesn't pass it... I have been taking gas pills but they only help so much.
My gallbladder was severely enlarged and infected, that was not expected. Go figure nothing is ever easy right. At least not on this end. I am ready for it to feel bettter. Well, I am goingt to go lay down... I just wanted to let you know I was still here...

I will try to write later

Take care
Jen

Yes you guessed it my drs office never called back on Fri... I have already called this morning to see if they found anything out. They said to leave my name and number and someone will get back to me. I told the receptionist that if I waited for them I could be dead.

My lil one has strep throat again third time in two months. I honestly think it is the pre-K program he is in.. Every time I get him healthy and send him back he comes home sick..

We are going to lay down..
Take care
Jen

Well I am still waiting to hear about my galbladder surgery. I need to have it removed asap as the ER dr put it.. But my pcm will not return my calls. I went to the office today and I had an appt. with the head dr of the clinic well I get there and boom some new guy who can't be old enough to even be through med school came in, asked what was going on and said well, I need to talk to DR.J and I will have them call you.... I have been waiting for him to call me since friday. It is now 6:00 and no word from him. I am really angry...

Tomorrow I am going to call and get my lawyer involved if they don't do something soon. The ER dr said that it is enlarged and full of stones. If it doesn't come out it could begin to cause damage... I have already had a Kidney infection for 3 months now... What else am I supposed to deal with... I don't want them shutting down or anything.

Well I feel another pain attack coming so I am going to go lay down...

Take care
Jen

I know that I havent' been here for a very long time... I do have some good news and some bad. OF COURSE

DH did not have to leave us for 365days he put if a rebuttle due to everything going on and it was accepted. Thank God he trully blessed us...

I have finally an answer as to why I have been feeling so yucky... For the past month I have been very sick to my stomach and vomiting, well last week I started to vomit blood. My firs reaction was great now I have an ulcer. I had to go to the ER on Friday because the pain and bleeding was so bad. They couldn't tell for sure if I have an ulcer but they found out that my kidneys werent functioning all that well, and I still had a kidney infection after two different rounds of anti-biodics.. After some more testing they discovered taht I have to have my gall-bladder removed. ASAP
I put in a call to my DR to have the surgery set up, called twice today and talked to the nurse, I was told she would call me back I finally called back and talked to the receptionist and found out that the dr had not been in all day and was not going to be. I was not a happy camper, I missed my Pmgt dr because I tried to wait for them well, now I have to go through another night of excrutiating pain because she didn't or the office didn't let me know..

I promise to keep everyone updated...

Hunny I tried to pm you but your box is full....
I will try again later...Thank you for thinking about me...


Love Jen

There are so many things on my mind. I feel like the world is on my shoulders. DH recieved some bad news at work this week and we are still waiting for a definite answer. It is so hard bieng at the Navy's beckon call. I know my DH is so proud to serve our country, and I am so proud of him he is such a wonderful man. I just widh the navy would realize that he has a family to. There saying is if it didin't come in their seabag then it isn't important.

Anyway we will just wait and see if things work out. Please say a prayer for my family we really need some family time this year.

I am still having problems with the pain. I need to call my pain dr on Monday and let him know. I also think that my depression meds need to be adjusted. I am tired of feeling so run down and exhausted. I feel like the worst mom in the world. I dont' have the energy or the desire to run and play anymore. It seems like when I begin to feel better something else comes up .

Well, I need to sign off Dh is paging me.. Take care and have a good weekend...

Love Ya
Jeni

Well, I did go to the Dr. on Wed. I saw my pain mgnt Dr. I feel so comfortable with him and he always just lets me talk and makes me feel alot better. I had seen my pm on Tuesday due to a severe bladder and kidney infection. I am also having some major cramps in my pelvic region. I asked my pain dr about it and he asked if I would be willing to see if the meds for the infection helped ease some of the pain in my pelvic and my back. I am so worried that it is the adhesions coming back. He told me not to worry yet. That UTI's can cause pain that mimics pelvic problems. I atook my last pill tonight. So far I am still having alot of pain. I am worried because even when I have a BM I am having cramps that just about bring me to my knees. I also know when i need to go because I have cramps before too.

This is the same thing that happened to me last year and I found that I had a large cyst and major adhesions. That was the reason I had two surgeries, in a month, and finally let them have my ovaries. Well, Had i known I would still be suffereing I might have kept my ovaries. I know that this is jsu ta small hrtle right now. Especially seeing as I don't know for sure what is going on. Please keep me in your prayers...

I am going to sign off for now. I hope all of my dear sisters are having a peaceful and relaxing weekend.
Take care

Love Jen

I truly don't think that I did anything out of the ordinary. I would like to think that anyone of us would do the same thing. I do miss the boyzzz. Thier dad came back after about ten days. I had them off and on for about another two weeks... For a couple of days at a time... I had them last weekend from friday till Tuesday. He picked them up and has been off work since then which was a blessing in disguise. Seeing as all three of my boyzzz have had strep throat this week and have been also suffering from a severe sinus infection. My lil one was running a fever of 105.8. He was dilusional, scared me and Dh to death. We were ready to go to the ER, we stripped him naked and put ice packs under his arms and between his legs as we were getting dressed his temp began to drop and he slept with us. He was fine this morning. I am so happy. The other two are finally starting to get better.

Thank you all for your wonderful words of encouragement. I know that I have all of you... It is just hard to not have anyone here at home to talk to. I can't talk to DH he really doesn't understand. And my mom keeps telling me I need counseling. I am so tired of hearing that.

Well, I need to go give the kids the meds...

Love
Jen

I have read so many journals from wonderful women about putting an end to thier Journal. I truly understand the feeling of wanting not to dwell in the past. I feel that we learn from the past and yes we do need to forget to some degree but as I am sure you have all been told and really don't need me to tell you everything you are and will ever be begun "in the past" revolves around "the past" and eventually all who remember you will remember the love and friendship and type of person you were in "You Past...."

I come to this not as often as I should and I really need to work on that there are so many things that i need to do. I think some times I will never be the person I used to be and honestly I don't want to be with all that we have been through, conquered, and jsut plain BEEN THERE DONE THAT yea we have changed but hey so has the world, and I would like to think that we women have surely done a much better job of handling our battles...

Trust me things are so messed up with me right now I feel like I am so alone... No one understands anything. I love coming to this site becaue even if it is for only five minutes I am with friends that dont judge me....

Take care I hope I will be able to catch everyone up on everything soon


Love Jen

Well, after some soul searching and alot of talking with DH I have decided that it is ok for my friend to use me as a crutch... If bieng mad at me gets her through treatment then taht is ok with me...

I am having some problems of my own again... I don't know what it is about one year after but for me that is how long it takes for things to get real bad again... I started noticing around Thanksgiving that I was having some pains, and twinges again. And then I started having a lot of trouble going to the bathroom. It didn't matter how many laxitives I took, or fiber, it still hurt like crazy it felt like razor blades were moving through my colon. Then about three weeks ago my feet and ankles began swelling (again) last time they blamed it on my meds. Well, other than my anti-deppressant nothing has changed. Also unlike last time my ankles and feet are not only swelling but they hurt terribly usually by the end of the day I can't hardly walk on them. Plus around my ankles and the outside of my foot and toes looks blue like it is bruised. I am going to call the dr tomorrow.

I called my pm and he said to take some over the counter water pills. Well, I have been and they havent' made a difference. So tomorrow I am going to go to my GP and hopefully she will have some answers.

I know that the adhesions are back I just have this gut feeling. And we all know to well how often those feelings are correct. I am just not sure wheter I truly want to have any more surgery.
The only thing is that I know they have made a lot of progress with the mesh and adhesions. But then again more surgery more scar tissue and adhesion. I feel like I am in a no win situation. I know that I need to go to my Gyn but ughhh I really don't want to hear what I know he is going to say.

Well I need to go make dinner for the boyzzz it is back to school tomorrow YEAH.. They had Thursday, Friday, and today off.. A five day weekend... I am worn out...

I will try to get on later if not I will definetly make time tomorrow while the kids are in school and dh is at work.

Take care

Love Jeni

He all, I know you are probably getting sick of me talking about my friend. But I am truly numb by this new situation.

On Mon her DH was brought home by the Navy. Well came over and picked up the boyzzz. My DH and I had decided that we were not going to tell him anything. But then the phone call. So Dh did tell some of it. Not all but enough. Though when he finally was able to sit down that night he was truly hurt by the things she has done.

Well, the whole cow hit the ceiling on Wed. when she showed up at home and said to him that she was leaving and didn't know when she would be home. She told him that she was going to try and find a job. He asked about the boyzzz, kinda hinting that he wanted to keep them and she told him that was fine she didn't want them right now anyway.... Now I can understand ending a marriage if you are not happy but you cant' just walk away from parenting. Can you???

I know she stayed in the house about a block down from me. I never saw her. Guess she is still mad at me... And right now I really don't know what to say... I feel like I played right into her hand. I helped her get into the hosp. And then I helped get dh home and now she is gone...

I had him and the boyzzz over for dinner last night and the boyzz all asked if they could live with us again... I realized how much I missed them... Believe it or not.

The dad said he had talked to another friend of thiers and she told him what a wonderful job we had done with the boyzzz. And how happy the boyzzz were when they were here. He also talked to the boyzz teachers. They said they knew something was wrong because the boyzzz were all the sudden coming to school everyday, clean, homework ready and so happy. When they learned they were at a friends house they were shocked because they thought they would be upset but instead they were totally happy... It made me feel good to know that I helped the boyzzz in a positive way. It also made me feel better when he told me that he was no longer debating the he said she said issue. That with everything he has learned he made his decision, and asked if anything came up could I please help with the boyzzz. I felt like the world was taken off my shoulders..

Thanks for listening...

I recieved a call from my girlfriend today. I had wonderful news for her. Her DH made it home today. But she didn't give me time to tell her. She immediatly called me a f&*$@#g liar and a fat b*&$h and basically hung up on me. It seems that the friend of hers that I thought was helping me went to see her yesterday. I was supposed to go but woke up with a headache and sick to my stomach so I wasn't able to make it. Anyhow, this friend evidently told her some lies Big ones. So now she is furious with me... I don't know what to do. I have cried all afternoon and my heart is broken...

I have given her my heart, taken in her three boyzzz and loved them like my own. None of her other friends were there or even offered to take them sure they said they would take one but I felt that the boyzzz didn't need to be seperated. All they truly had was each other. I went and got Valentines for all of them so they would have gifts today, I went and bought gifts for thier teachers and for for thier friends.

I gave to her when I really didn't have anything left to give. I fought with my DH to be there for her. Because he knew I was still fighting my own problems and really didn't want me to put myself in the middle of this. I trusted her when she said that she wasn't messing around, I held her head for her to puke and not let the kids see. I cleaned her house so that she didn't come home or her DH didn't have to come home to that... Now I feel so hurt and I have cried all afternoon. I know I can't call her I don't want to upset her anymore than she already is. But my heart is broke... Please tell me how to deal with this. And how not to end up in this position agian. I hate it tthat I always put my heart on the line and always get hurt. But I don't know how to turn my back on my friends.

I am sorry that I have blabbed so long but DH is furious and I don't want to cry anymore to him...

Thanks for listening. I really don't know what to do... I do know this is really not helping my depression.


I will try to write more tonight.


Love Jeni

Hello sisters,


I know I have been away for a while. I am dealing with some very difficult issues. I have a dear friend who recently has made some very bad decisions. I have been watching her children all the time, have had to go pick her up in the middle of the night and the day sometimes because she is to intoxicated to drive home. At first I thought it was just because she was still upset that her Dh had left to go out to sea.

You see a while back she started hanging around some of her friends from her past. They all drank and ran around on their spouses. She withdrew from me because she knew that I did not approve of that life style. It was quite a change from the person I met.

Well, I guess one night after returning home from a club she threatened to do harm to herself. Well, her husband called the law and put her in a rehab. Against her will mind you... Now her and DH had been seperated off and on for about a year but truly thier whole 10 year marriage was a sham on her part. She has had numerous affairs and told him... He loves her so much he forgave her indescretions(sp??). I think would think that with having a dh that loves you like that you would at least try to make it work...

I know now that the problems she is having stems for her childhood.. Anyway thankfully she is where she needs to be. The negative of that is I now have temp. custody of her three boyzzz, on top of my three boyzzz that is a lot of boyzzz. Hopefully her husband will be here in a couple of days. But any of you who know the Navy knows that the Navy comes first... The old statement She wasn't supplied in your sea bag she doesn't count as a necessary item.

I have dealt with that more than a few times.

Please pray for me and my Dh we are really bieng tested right now. But i know if the tables were turned she would do the same. Plus I just love these boyzzz.

Thanks for listening and if I begin to talk jibberish just :smack: me a little to bring me back to adult hood.

Love Ya
Jeni

Well, all three of my boyzzz are at my friends house so DH and I are having some very deserved alone time.. So I guess I shouldn't be on here long. Just wanted to check in and say goodnight.

Love Jen

The dr said that it is just allergies. He put him on Zurtec and said that he should be fine He did say that he could go to school tomorrow. YEAH Not that it really matters I have two drs appts in a row.I go to see my Pain dr and my GP about the new antidrpressent they have me on.

I am really tired and thinking about calling it a night.

I will write and catch everyone up tomorrow nigght

Jen

Thank goodness. I don't think I could deal with the two of them home again tomorrow. I have so much cleaning to catch up on. My kitchen table is covered in clean clothes that are folded but not put away. Not to mention I still have some Christmas decor that I havent' put up yet...

DH has been putting long hours in at work. He hasn't been home before 8 pm all week. This makes for long hours seeing as he leaves for work around 4 or 5. He has an hour commute each way. I am always worried because he is running on empty.

My oldest so tells us tonight that he has a science project due tomorrow so even though it is 11:45 he is still up. I am a little upset at his procrastination. But this project is 50% of his grade this semester.

I hope all of you are doing better.


Jen

Well, my girlfriend asked me to keep her kids again tonight. One of her friends is going through a hard time and she was going to help her out. I don't mind. She was there for me during some really hard times. Plus I know if I needed her she would be there for me...

It was hard for me to say yes only because the lil ones didn't go to bed till midnight except for one, and he woke up at 6am, I put him back to bed but it didn't last by 6:30 he had all of them awake. I got up with them and by 9 I had cleaned up two bowls of spilt cereal, two dumped potted plants, they knocked one of my Angels over, flooded the spare bathroom and tore up my sons room. I finally went and told DH to get up and deal with them I was exhausted. I was so looking forward to having the night with just DH nice and quite. But hey tomorrow is another day. I did tell DH that he was getting up tomorrow.

I am still not feeling very well. I am still having alot of cramping and stabbing pains I see my pain dr on Fri. Maybe he can recommend something.

Well, I am going to try to watch a movie w DH have a good night

Love Jen

My lil ones are having a sleep over tonight which means six boys running around the house. I have 1 11yrold, 1 9yrold, 2 8yr olds, and 2 5yr olds... What a house full. Plus DH is working late tonight. He is hopefully on his way home. So far things havent been to bad. We went to Kmart for some snacks, went and rented some movies, and went through McDs for supper. They were actually pretty good.

I have still been having headaches, I know no wonder huh. I called the dr today and once again was told to wait till my appt on the 28th. I am really going to give my dr a piece of my mind when I see her.

DH is going to take me out tomorrow night he just doesnt know it yet. My girlfriend is taking mine tomorrow night since I have hers tonight. I figure it will not kill him to take me to dinner and a movie. We haven't done that in forever it seems.

i pray that all my sisters that live up north will be safe and warm during this snow they are recieving. I kinda miss the snow I was born and raised in Fl but living in Washington State and CT spoiled me to sledding and snowmen building... I told husband we should pack up and drive to NC to play in the snow we are only about six hours for there. He told me I was nuts...

I guess he is right.

Well, I am going to go cuddle up with my heating pad seeing as I am cramping again today.

Take care
Jen

Well things have really began unravel. The headaches and pelvic pain have been increasing I go to see my drs on Fri. 28th. I was not to happy about having to wait that long especially because i have been complaining for two weeks to my gp.

My lil one has been sick for about two weeks now I thought he would be over it by now. He did go to pre-k yesterday but this morning woke up with a fever again. I took to his pediatrcian and she said it was a viral infection and there wsn't anything she could do. I am getting ready to pitch a fit if this continues. She is going to figure out what it is...

DH has been working his behind off lately. He says things should slow down shortly.

Ok lil one is getting impatient. I will try to talk more when he is napping.

Jen

I have been suffering from a migrane all day . I am hoping that this one will not linger tomorrow. I have a tendency to suffer for at least two days if not three, I hate it. My mom and Memaw suffer to. I have two sisters and they have them occasionally.

My boyzzz are really enjoying having daddy home. They have craved his attention. My DH, DS#1 and DS#2 all received a BB/pellet gun for Christmas. They have been out the past two days playing I am not sure who the kid is exactly seeing as DH has such a great time with his. Of course the lil one is mad that he didn't get one. But dh adn I decided that he is still to lil. We make our boyzzz learn all the safety gun rules and the 4 yr old just can't memorize them plus I am not sure he would really be careful. I him that when he turned 8 he could have one like Bubbies. He was ok with that and daddy lets him shoot his (with daddy's help of course).

I am doing ok but I am starting to have cramps again. I am not sure if it is the adhesions or what . All I know is that it hurts like crazy to go to the bathroom. I haven't had a BM in about four or five days. But every time I try to talk to the dr he jsut says that is normal forr some people. Well when i look 9 months pregnant I think there is a problem. I have tried all the cures. I guess I will have to call the dr. and maybe go in to make ure it isn't a blofckage. I dont 'really know how to tell. I do know that when I had my oovaries out they found out that my adhesions had attached my intestines to my abdominal all the way across. I was having problems like that before they did that surgery. He said that it might come back I jsut didn't expect it that soon. I am also having some sharp pains on my lest side.

I went to the dr. esterday. She said that my blood test showed my thyriod levels are low, I am anemic, and my blood sugar was high. Just what need. I hate the thought of another surgery . I don't know if it would cause mor adhesions. But is the pain keeps up I will not have a choice. I have to wait for m Gp to issue a referral. That could take awhile. Last time it tool about two months.

I have started having cold sweats, and my heart begins racing. Then I start shaking. My dr. says that it xould be taht my body is not absorbing the patch the right, or it is not keeping my leves stabilized. I dont 'know waht they are going to do. I won't do Lupron again and I dont' think it works on adhesions anwyay. Dh has been wonderful through all this.

I am so excited we are going to get a new bedroom set and redo our bedroom and living room Dh wants to close in the garage to make an extra room the boyzzz are getting oldre and wahnt thier own room..

Well i need to go to bed. I will talk later

Jeni

I am amazed at how fast the time has flown. DH and I were talking on New Year's Eve and this year begins our fifteenth year together. Considering I am only 30 that is quite an accomplishment. I have been with him half of my life. The amazing thing is even after all I have put him through he is still willing to stand beside me and is my best friend. I mean don't get me wrong this has been very hard on us both and we have went through some very difficult times. But all in all I think it has truly strenghtened out relationship.

I am so glad that the Lord sent him to me. He is my strength, my lover, and my best friend. I felt lost while he was gone. We have done the seperation thing more than we had wished but in the end the Navy has provided a very good life for us and our family. DH surprised me again with mentioning that he would like to go on another cruise. This time to Cancun, I told him I was game. The time alone was very healing. And now more than ever we really need the time to focus on our marriage and us as individuals.

The boyzzz have been a little difficult at times but the readjusting is coming along just fine. They of course have tried him as much and very often. But they are learning very fast that dad doesn;t bend as much as mommy.

Well we are getting ready to hit the sack so I will finish my catching up tomorrow.


Love Jen

We have been very busy around here trying to catch up with daddy bieng home. The boyzzz are having a difficult with daddy bieng so strict. I am more lax and kinda let them get away with a little more.
It has been wonderful having him home, except I became very ill and spent two days in bed. we finally managed to get our decorating done, (not as many as usual but hey at least we have a tree).

I am feeling better now thank goodness. I have missed talking to everyone. Take care
Love Jen

Hi there,

I am not sure exactly what is going on with me... All I know is I don't feel like myself, and haven't for quite some time. I began suffereing from shaking, cold sweats, rapid heartbeat, and several other strange things when I stopped taking the zanaflex and the oxycontin... But it has been over a month since I stopped and I am still experiencing all the same symptoms... I have since started the duragesic patch (75) and it has helped some.... I was using just ultracet for breakthrough but it wasn't helping so my Dr gave me Darvon 10 one twice a day... I began with the injections and still the shaking and everything... I feel like I am going to lose my mind...

I have a drs appt with my pain mgnt tomorrow (another epidural injection) I plan on trying to talk to him about it tomorrow...Also I have noticed that I am once again having cramps, and pain in my pelvic area, guess I can't complain to much I have had about seven good months w//out to much pain now I am afraid that the adhesions and endo is back... I am just worried about telling anyone.. You know the fear of bieng labeled... Maybe it will go away.(yeah right)

I am not really looking forward to another surgery or more tests but I already know the symptoms having been through this my whole life... since I began my cycle at 8....My problem now is I dont' hav anything in there no uterus, no ovaryies, no cervix, but yet I am still having cramps, sharp pains and if I move the wrong way I feel like something is tearing inside... Also my BM's have become very painful again... VERY

Well, thanks for listening... I really don't know whether to talk to my mom about it or not...And Dh is not home...

Take care
Jen
for me and my dh

My DH recieved this and sent it to me.... I truly thought it touched every aspect of a military member and family... I know there are several military moms and spouses out there I thought you might enjoy reading this.....

My husband command has also been very successful this year with drug trafficing there total in over $4 Billion dollar in street value... I think "what a wonderful thing to do for our children and our grandchildren..." DH really gets a rush when trailing and capture of a drug runner...

Thanks for all your support..

Love Jen


This message from the Secretary of the Navy should provide all of us a frame reference for this time's place in history. We rarely know the significance of an event as it's happening; few moments are self-defining. September 11th is one such moment. And the actions born from it, which you are part of today, will ring as clearly with the Nation 50 years from now as Pearl Harbor and WWII do today. Years from now, in reflection, you will be proud of your service, proud to say you had a hand in the promise of freedom, and proud you were a generation advancing freedom. You acted and did not idlely watch freedom slip away - You have held it dear. The cynic says "You are just doing a job". Do not believe it. You serve a calling... know that your Country is grateful and the World is better for it.

Thank you, XO




America is not just a place; rather, it is an ideal, a profound ideal that all people should live in freedom and liberty. These are not innate rights. Freedom and liberty have to be earned, protected and defended by every generation. As President Reagan said, "freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction."
For 229 years, Americans of all races, colors, creeds and social positions have stepped forward in time of need to protect this ideal. Veterans Day is the time for our nation to reflect on the sacrifices of these generations of veterans and a time to say thanks for their service.
Today, we find ourselves once again protecting the American ideal of freedom and liberty for all people. The magnificent men and women who wear the cloth of our nation, tomorrow's veterans, have taken up the mantle of responsibility to keep America safe for us and for future generations.
We are in an age of great promise, but also an age of great danger - an age when liberty can be expanded but also a time of deadly global terror. It is a historic moment for our nation, a moment that will demand much of our citizens and especially of our military.
With great clarity of vision and unwavering resolve, President Bush has expressed our responsibility this way, "the advance of freedom is the calling of our time, and the calling of our country. We believe that liberty is the design of nature. We believe that liberty is the direction of history and we believe that the freedom we prize is not for us alone, it is
the right and capacity of all mankind." As President Bush later said, "we
will finish the work of democracy that we have begun."
To all of our veterans who have given us this great gift of freedom and liberty and to all of the men and women who today wear the cloth of our nation and are defending these freedoms and liberties, thank you for your dedication, devotion, sacrifice and commitment to our nation's ideal.
God bless all of our veterans, those serving today and their families.


The Honorable Gordon England
Secretary of the Navy


VR,
LT Steve Curry
NAS Sigonella
Public Affairs Officer
PSC 812 Box 3020
FPO 09627-3020
DSN: 624-5440
FAX: 624-6933
Email: currys@nassig.sicily.navy.mil
Navy Region Europe...Right Places - Great Bases!
HAVE A FINE NAVY DAY!

Well the shot seems to have lessened the pain in my lower leg but I am now sporting a massive headache... I am overall pleased with the outcome I just hope it last longer than the other ones...

I will have another shot next fri. the the fri. after that... Then DH might be making an appereance....

My oldest DS is having a really hard time, with daddy bieng gone. He stayed the night with a friend last night(it just happened to be his footballl coaches son)... They have played ball together for four years... His coach is a sweetheart and just loves my son...

Well, this morning the coaches buddy called and cancelled for thier football game so he deided to take his son. Well, while my son was very excited for his friend it truly broke his heart to realize that his little friends daddy was home every night and every weekend, coaches his sports team,goes hunting and fishing all the things taht dad's and thier sons should do... He cried and cried when he got home about his daddy always bieng gone... It really broke my heart,,,


I tried to reassure him that his daddy loves him more than anything in the world and taht is why he is serving this country so that his children will remain free and able to live in the wonderful place we call America...

It is days like today that I would love to sit down with a protestor and say "even though you might not agree with the war, (who truly wants it) it is so selfish to be hateful adn disrespectful to our military... They and thier family My Family sacrifices so much for this Country and it kills me that some people don't think twice about talking bad to them or about them...

Well I will stop preaching now..
Love Jen

Well tomorrow is the big day. I will recieve the first of three epidural injections. I am very nervous. I hate needles and I especially hate ones that are going in my back...

I had my first two kids natural because I was afraid of the epidural... I finally gave in with my third one after several doses of pitocin (major contractions)... Well, it didn't work... The drs weren't sure why. So I am a little nervous over whether or not it will help...

I have also had spinal menegitis and that makes me a high risk for complications... But this is my last resort. I am tired of bieng in pain. And after my latest fiasco with the meds my dr. is still not giving me anything exept the Ultracet and it really doesn't do anything.

Please pray for me tomorrow. I am really hoping for a positive experience.

I hope that you all have a great day tomorrow.

Good luck to "Hunnybunches" on her trip to Mayo... May the Lord bless her travel...

And to my other sisters I hope the Lord will help you have a pain free, relaxing, comforting day...

I will try to let you know how it works...

Love
Jen

Well, I finally got those seven 11 yr olds to sleep at 3;30 am, and my 7 and 4 yr old went to my bed with me about 4:00am,,, I was sleeping so good about 8:00 when my 11 ds comes in screaming that his bird is going to die... It seems that even after bieng told not to allow others to take Silverwing out of his cage, and definely if there are alot of kids in the room... They are so fragile... Well, the kids were playing with the bird and one of the boyzzz ran over the poor things head with the computer chair (of course he was sitting in it)... I thought for sure the poor thing had a broken neck. He was bleeding, I made my son have all the kids call thier parents and have them come and get them so I could go to the vets... Well, my neighbor who breeds the bird( has my two's mommy and daddy) came over and said that the bird was actually ok. He had some feathers ripped out and that was what was causing the bleeding....

Thank GOD... After reprimanding my son I informed him that my 4 yr old and I were going to lye down and take a nap... MY 11 and 7 yr old were to watch a movie.... Well, that would have been to easy. Of course they must have come in about every 10 to 20 min... I finally got up and was very upset with them...

I swear when DH gets home I am going to a hotel for a weekend heck maybe a full week ALONE.... He can take over for awhile...

I am running on fumes tonight and I have to watch Trading spaces it is the special about They hated it rooms. I am addicted to that show, and while you were out... I would love to do the Overhaulin for DH's 72 chevy Nova, it was our first car and holds some very special memories for both of us... HE HE

It feels so good to be counting days and not months anymore... I miss him so much... Talking has really helped, but I can't wait to feel his secure hug, comforting kisses and hear his whispers in my ear...

Ok I have truly depressed my self now.
Take care
Jen

Well, I am so glad that today is over... I have been going all day. We had an 8:00 football game this morning then my son had his 11th birthday party at 4:00... Talk about running around like a chicken with it's head cut off...


Plus I would swear that my children's sign must be at war with each other or with me.... I have a scopio (nov.4...11) a sagitarius (dec.10...7) and a piscies (feb 22....4) My sign is gemini(may 27) and Dh is a taurus(april 27)... All I know is we have been butting heads like crazy... My youngest and I always do...


I finally heard about DH blood test... They were clean thank GOD but it still doesn't explain waht happened to him...


I am rally stuggling today, the weather has made me severly sore, adn my back is killing me...I have started having pelvic pains agian I am afraid that the adhesion monster may be back...YUKKKK


I hope I am wrong. But I know how it starts.... And I believe it is beginning... Which is about right for me... I had my TAH in Feb 2003 then in Dec. I began having pain, they found a cyst and lots of adhesions and in Feb.2004 I had my ovaries and severe adhesions removed. So if my body stays with the same time frame I am in trouble....


I don't know if I will have another surgery... I don't know I guess if it gets bad enough I will cross that bridge when I come to it... I know if the pain becomes as severe as before I will be doing something...



Well, the kiddies want to set thier tents up in the back yard... So I need to go...Take care


Jen

Hey sisters,
I don't know what is going on now... I am swelling again in my feet and ankles... I thought with coming off the Methadone this would stop. And it did for about a week, now I am swelling again. Can't even get my shoes on... Good thing it is still warm for flips... I guess I will call the doc in the morning... I go to pre-register for my procedure on Friday so maybe he will be able to at least see me tomorrow. I doubt it but if not I will see him on Friday.
I am jsut ready to get all this over with.
Well, I need to get my lil ones bathed and ready for bed... They are finally starting to feel better, and went to school today. Thank goodness... I needed the break...
Well, I will talk to you
for me
Love Ya
Jen

11-02-2004 12:33 PM

I am not sure exactly what to say but I will just say it... About three weeks ago, I made the decision to come off of oxycontin, (40mg twice daily) and zanaflex 8mg three times daily... My pain mgnt. dr had switched me from Methadone to oxycontin due to swelling from the methadone. Well, after two months I realized that I did not like myself on the oxycontin. I was always tired and would fall asleep sitting up at night. Well, seeing as it is just me and my three boyzzz right now that was not going to work... I tried talking to the dr about it and he would say "you will eventually get used to the side effects". Well, I decided that I didn't want to wait. I went to him with my parents help and asked to be taken off the oxycontin. Well, my parents and the dr took it upon themselves to decide that I must be addicted to the meds.... Not how I felt at all. I never abused the meds and honestly do not feel like I was addicted at all. DEPENDENT yes of course after two years on continuous pain meds. to function of course I was.
WEll, my mom stayed the first week and my dr put me back on the methadone, They took all my meds and locked them up, only giving them to me when they said it was time... Now my pain dr felt like he was trapped because he knows medically I have tremedous pain daily and felt that taking everything away was not how he wanted to treat me... I went back on the methadone one four times a day, with the understanding that if I needed breakthrough it would be there.. Well, my family decided to monitor my meds and refust to allow me to take anything more even Tylenol... Now I know they love me and are just trying to dowhat they felt was neccessary but I was made to feel like I had done something wrong...
Well, my sister came to stay for the next two weeks even though I asked to be left alone... Upon going to the dr the next week he felt that my pain was not bieng controlled so he upped my methadone to one twice a day with two at bedtime and gave me a script for Actiq for breakthrough. Well, my parents were so mad they ccalled him and threw a fit that he upped my methadone adn did not even tell me about the Actiq... After three days of excruciating pain I called the dr only to look like an idiot because my family had a script but never told me...
Well after the dr and I talked I truly feel like my family is not supporting me like they should.. I don't think they understand waht I am going through and will not listen... This is very hurtful especially since my dad has been disabled for about five years now with severe neck and back ppain he takes 40 mg of oxycontin four times a day plus two soma four times a day plus Loratab 10 when he needs them he is given 120 a month... plus several other pain meds. I don't understand why they have come down so hard on me... Please help me understand why this is happening...
Lastr night the pain was so bad I was up all night.
Please pray for me
Jen

I also posted this in the aching hearts forum to hopefully recieve some help in handling these feelings of hoplessness, I am tired of feeling like a bad person...

Well, what a lovely start to my week. All three of my kids are coughing and running a fever... It is 3 am and they all are awake, from coughing and throwing up. It looks like I will be cancelling my pre op tomorrow to take them to the drs... I was really ready for those injections so that I ccould be pain free... Oh well, next week my kids need me now.
I will be so glad when DH returns home and can help with the kids. But even if he were home he still has to work so most of their care is up to me. Especially when they are sick.
i just hope this doesn't last to long... I hate it when my lil ones are sick, I feel so hopeless. I would do anything to make them feel better.
Well, I will talk to you later I am sure I am going to try and go to bed, with all three of them in my bed that ought to be interesting.

Pray for us
Jeni

I took the kiddies Trick or treating tonight... I am paying for it know... I am so tired of hurting, and not bieng able to handle it. I feel like I am totalling losing control of my life. i know I haven't been writing much lately. I have been going through some tough times. I feel very alone and I miss my DH....
I know I started talking about my issue with oxycontin, and zanaflex... Well, I asked my mom and dad for some help with getting off of that. Well, now they are convinced I have a drug problem... That is not what happened... I started taking the zanaflex if June and in August my pain mgmt dr switched me from methadone to oxycontin because of swelling. Well, by the beginning of Oct, I had had enough of the two of them... I never abused my scripts most of the time I had leftover because I don't like taking them... Any how. I knew that I had become dependent on the meds because I had been on some sort of pain meds for about two years now... Well, my dr was very supportive and so was my family.. But they have taken it upon themselves to lock all my meds up and only give them to when they say it is time... Now I am 30 yrs old and i feel like I am bieng punished for something that is not all my fault... I had a rough couple of days right after having my meds cut.. But I feel much better now. I feel like I am back in control... I know my family would like to see me off all narcotics and in a perfect world that would be lovely. But my pain is real I have had several tests and have medical proof for my pain.
I am on the duragesic patch 75mg along with ultracet for breakthough I am doing ok but the break through is not really helping... But I am afraid to ask for anything else. I dont' want everyone coming down on me agian... My mom wants me to see a counselor, i think it would be a good idea to but I wish I felt like I had some support and I dont'..
Well, I am sorry for complaining I will try to write more positive next time.
Thanks for listening
Jen

Well, DH is doing a little better. He is still afraid to leave his room... But he is starting to feel a little better. They found his pictures from his wallet at a totally different bar, of course no money or credit cards. I have already cancelled all of them anyway... Thank goodness...
I am still doing pretty good with my pain mgmt. I will have epidural injections starting the 5th of Nov then a week after... and a week after that... I have to have three... Well, I am hoping that it will help with the pain. I have switched back to the duragesic patches and they are helping but I am still haveing a lot of break through pain...
I will be so glad when football sseason is over I feel like I am always running.
Well, I need to go to bed.
Talk to you later
Jeni

My husband is currently in Italy serving his deployment. Well, on Friday night he and thirteen of his buddies went out on the town for a nice dinner, and a club. Well, he remembers leaving the resturant and going to the club. He recalls sitting by himself watching all his buddies dance, (he is a redneck and really can' t dance) any how he doesn't remember anything from there on... It seems someone slipped something into his drink, he was found in someones car a mile and a half away sound asleep. He was seen pacing up and down the street with no shoes, or shirt and they stole his wallet,, Thankfully his guardian angel was with him and saw him to safety. He was taken to the hospital and they took blood we are waiting for the results... Please pray for him and his healing.. He is really scared...

Well, I am still doing the detox thing... I have begun to swell really bad especially in my feet and ankles... The Dr thinks it is the methadone... So he wants to switch me to the Duragesic patch... I have tried them before and the only problem I have with them is the patches leave my skin raw... But I am hopeing to that they want me to change it every two days... That way they won't bother me to much...
I just know that I can't keep swelling like this it is hurting really bad...

Any how I am still doing good on my withdrawls... keep praying
Love Jen

Well, I had another dr appt today.... He was still very happy with my progess. I have now been off oxycontin for a week now and feeling wonderful... He is still keeping me on the Methadose which I am doing much better on... I feel like I can control the methadose better... He also changed my muscle relaxer to skelaxin instead of zanaflex... Which is much better to.... My dad is still a little upset because he thinks that I should be off all narcotics, but I feel as long as I can control it and it is keeping my pain at bay then so be it....
I have set up more appts for epidural blocks... The facet injections helped so much I am hoping the epi blocks work better...
Well, I am off to bed.
Keep me in your prayers
Jen

Well, I made a very difficult decision on last monday... I went to my pain mgnt dr and said that I was afraid that I had become dependent on the meds... Well, I have been going through detox for a week now... Tuesday and Wednesday were terrible... I hve never thrown up so much in my life not even when I was pregnant... I am starting to feel a little better but now the pain is back... My mom stayed last week and my lil sister is here today.... I already feel more in control and better about everything... I think the oxycontin was just to much for me....

Well I am off to the dr....

I will keep you informed
Please pray for me
Jen

I just checked my e-mail and one of the wives in the squadron passed away last night. She was very young and had a couple of young children...
It is truly a sad day... Makes me want to put all three of mine in my bed and snuggle.... The oldest one thinks he is to big for that..

Please kiss your kids, spouse, tell people how important they are to you before it is to late

At football practice tonight we recieved some very disturbing news. One of the 7 year olds on the other team passed away last night... He suffered from epilesy and during the night had a seizure and sadly he didn't make it......
I had to leave practice for a minute to allow my self to cry. I can't even nor would I ever want to imagine what that mother ust be feeling...
Our team is taking in donations for flowers and a plaque for him, Please keep his family in your prayers.....
May Devon rest in peace with our Heavenly Father

Jrn

I was sitting here thinking about my DH and how much I miss him... Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, at least he will be coming home... What about all those wives, husbands,moms, and dads who will never see thier loved ones again due to the horrible tragedy of 9/11...
I get to talk to him at least once a week and we send each other lil romantic e-mails to redeam once he is home...Normally I handle deployment better but I think with everything going on I am really having a hard time...
I don't think my anti-depression drug is working anymore because I wouldn't want to get out of bed in the morning. And even then as soon as I get back from taking them to school I usually go back to bed...
I had him take me off the nuerotin because of the side effects, and he changed my pain meds to... But the muscle relaxer is what is kicking my but... It is zanaflex 4mg and he wants me taking two three times a day I can't I can only do one...
Well, my boyzzz are going to beat each other up so I need to go..


Take care
Jen

Well, another day down. I am really having a hard time with my boyzzz especially the oldest one. I am not sure if he is rebelling from daddy bieng gone or what some days he is so much help then others he is a real pain. The little one tells his daddy you need to come home I just can't behave for mommy. And me well, I am really falling into a funk. I can't seem to get excited about anything and all I want to do is sleep. I am so depressed that is one reason I haven't been on my journal. i really need to figure out what is going on. I have tried to talk to my dr and he just changed my meds... He took me off the Nuerotin and put me on oxycontin... I really don't know about the oxycontin. I have heard so many bad things about it. But I have noticed that it is helping with the pain control... But now I have started with the shakes... I dont' know what is causing them but they really stink. It is like my nerves are shot.
I haven't heard from Dh today he said he was going to call but I gurss something came up. i miss him so much. It is hard to believe we are only half way through this mess. I want him to come home so bad...
Well, it is almost time to leave for football. I will try to write again later.
Jen

Well, it is about 11 pm and I am still wide awake... I think it is the thought of crawling into that big bed by myself... Well, I am by myself for the first few hours anyway then I get two very handsome LIL Men in my bed... (my 7& 4yr old)
I didn't get to hear from DH today. They must be doing something. Oh well maybe tomorrow.
I am still very sore, considering I feel like a human pin cushion. He did five facet injections, and two SIJ injections... My back is all black and blue. But I know in a couple of days it will be worth it. Or at least I am hoping... It really helped my right side, and it was worse than the left so hopefully it will be even better.
My Papa ( my dad's dad) had to have open heart surgery on Thursday. He has had one before, and they thought they could just do it by angioplasty sp? but it was to severe... So they had to go in. I wish he would take better care of himself... He is still smoking, and his new wife is from the back woods of GA so she can really really cook. Problem is most of it (well just about all of it) Papa shouldn't be eating. I am really hoping that this will make a difference. Maybe scare him enough to take better care of himself...
Dh bought me a rug from Bahrain.. He sent me a pic and it is gorgeous. He said that stuff over there is so much less than what you would pay in the states.
All my boyzzz started school on Tuesday... YIPEEEEEEEE this is the first time in 10 years I have ever had any significant amount of time by myself. I have to take the lil one so I have been taking the two older ones to... I was a little nervous about the 4 yr old but he walked right in hung up his back pack and went and found his seat... I couldn't believe it. I stood there for about fifteen min to make sure he wasn't going to start bawling. But nope he just went on about his business. When I got home that first day I wanted to cry. But I know it will be good for us all... Maybe now I can get caught up on my house work and my crafts... I would also like to take some college courses... I am not sure if I want to do it in a classroom or just by the computer... I am leaning more towards the puter... That way I can still be here if the kids get sick or something...
my boyzzz are having a really hard time with daddy bieng gone. Especially the little one. When he talks to his daddy he always aks daddy when are you coming home? It breaks my dh heart... And I know that time to him is forever... The other two miss him but they have done this before the lil one hasn't. Mind you that doesn't make it any easier. I ahve been doing it for 14 yrs now and I am still finding it hard to adjust. By the time we adjust to bieng alone he will be home... Then we hae to adjust to daddy bieng home ...
Well, I am glad that my sisters are doing well, hopefully I will be a little better with my jounal now that vacation is over and I am feeling better...
I just went and signed my boyzzz up for football, and the lil one soccer. So I will be pretty busy the next couple of months. but they love it so I would never dream of denying them They already had to miss baseball because I had my surgery right in the mddle and I couldn't drive them back and forth to practice..
Well, I am goin to go hit the hay or try anyway...
Take care
Jen

Hi there sisters,

I am still fighting my kidney infection, and have now found out that the injections I have been getting for my back have been known to cause Kidney infections due to the steriods. Of course the dr. didn't tell me that until after the five injections. I hope that it will not effect me...

I am still having alot of pain in both my back and my pelvic area. The dr just switched me to Methadone for about two months now. It seems to help more than the Avinza. I was told it could take awhile to really begin to help.

I have heard from Hubby a couple times, he can call from the base and it doesn't cost anything, but the problem is you can only do it from a certain time of the day and he has been working nights so when he is up I am asleep due to the time change. He said it is very hot there. Last time I talked to him it was 126*F he said that the humidity is really bad to. They also becuase of the culture can't wear shorts or T-shirts. They have to wear dress slacks and button up shirts. Now my DH is a country bumpkin all the way... He would rather be in jeans, a t-shirt with a base ball cap. He hates dressing up.

Well, I just wanted to check in I hope all is well,
Take care
Jeni

Hello there,
I know I haven't been very good at keeping in touch. I have just got back home. It seems that my kidney infection was worse than the Drs thought........They were worried that it was going to enter my blood stream.
i am still not feeling 100% but I needed to come home and take care of things at home. My kkitty ws so happy to see us. I was surprised that she hadn't torn the hous apart.
Ok I am giong to go to bed...
Have a goodnight.
jen:wink:

We have been sitting here waiting for the Race to start. I hope it gets going soon or I won't be able to keep my eyes open to finish it. That is unless it is a close race then I will be sitting on the edge of my seat screaming at the TV. I thought Josh did such a great job with the Anthem... It brought tears to my eyes and I think it is wonderful that they are giving the men and women a chance to talk to their family..

I am having a problem with my eyesight for the past couple of days... When I am trying to look at something far away my eyes are blurry.. I am not sure if I am just getting old or if maybe it is a side effect from the new medicine. My doctor took me off the Duragesic patch because it was irratating my skin to the point of raw patches where the patch was. He started me on Methadone... I wasn't thrilled about the whole concept but he explained to me that it is bieng used for a chronic pain med quite a bit more. I thought it was for withdrawl symptoms and I became upset at first. But it seems to be helping I just need to figure out a dose. He started me off on one three times a day but it isn't enough. So we went to two once a day then the one twice a day for a few days then go up one more util I think that it is working. I am hoping to be able to stop the breakthrough meds. The injections on my back seemed to help a little. The first one helped quite a bit. But the second one really didn't seem to work as well. I recieved alot of pain relief after the first one but not this one....I start the left side next week. I am going to tell him about the second set.

I haven't heard from DH in two days. I am praying that all is well. He told me that there may be times where I would not hear from him for maybe weeks at a time but I can't help but worry. It helps bieng with family... I spent the day with his family today at his brothers house. We had a party for our godson's first birthday. It is amazing how much his brothers look like him, and sound like him. My kids love bieng around thier uncle, I think they just miss thier dad so much.

I also wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful words of encouragement. It means so much to know that there are people out there that understand and appreciate all that our miliary does. It seems like there are so many that are against and criticize us. I always feel like even if you don't agree with all the reasons we should support the men and women of our armed forces for loving and honoring our country (which is all of us) to go and risk their lives to protect our right to have those opinions. OK off my soap box.

I have been doing OK with my pelvic pain.... I still have a few days a week where I have some pretty severe pain but the drs just keep saying adhesions. Plus some remaining endo... But I am still taking my HRT and my gyn has no intentions of taking me off of it. I asked about lowering the dose because I am on a really high dose. Well, I think so anyway. I take 1.25mg once a day. I am doing ok with the power surges but the night sweat are a killer. I hate wakin up soaking wet, I have to change my sheets just about everyday. And that is with the air on, a ceiling fan and an ocsillating fan. When DH was home he said it was like sleeping in an ice box.

Well, I am going to sign off for now I will be back tomorrow. Take care...


Jeni

Hello my Dear Sisters,

I wanted to drop you a line to let you know that I am still alive. I have been at my folks house. I had planned on going home one day this week but I just never got around to it. My girlfriend is taking care of my house, and the cat, two birds, and the three turtles.

I am staying here for the fourth so that the boyzzz and I don't have to be alone then I am heading home. My sister and I bought the boyzzz red white and blue shirts to wear. Her oldest son is only five months younger than my middle one so we put the 10 year old in red, the two 7 year olds in white (probably a big mistake) and the three year old in blue. Then her 2 year old we did in all three colors. I think we are just planning a family bar-b- q here but we will go downtown for the fireworks. I am not sure if my other sister will be here or not.

It makes me very proud this year to truly understand and appreiciate the true meaning of Independence Day. With DH bieng in the military the 4th has always been a cherished holiday for us. But this year with him bieng over there it really hits close to home. I a so proud of him and what he is doing.

He called again yesterday to say that he has moved into his villa. He sounded pretty good. He is very tired. And he said that it is so hot over there that the sweat actually evaporates off of you. He said that it isn't a humid hot but just a take your breath away hot. Even his pool stays like bath water he said. One more thing he said it is a good thing I am not over there or I would never leave the house. He said they drive like maniacs over there... A typical two lane road for us is a six lane highaway for them. They use both the inside, and outside shoulders as lanes.

Well, I am going to sign off for tonight I will try to do better.

Jeni

Hello there,

Well today was another day without DH. He did call to tell me he had arrived and was safe. He said it was a real culture shock to walk outside and see all the people in te traditional robes. He said that the women really do have to cover every inch of their body except the eyes. But he also said that some of the poeple do not follow an they wear shorts and tank tops. He said it is unnerving to him to hear the call to prayer all the time. It makes it seem all to real to him. They are trying to get settled in. He said that the hotel he is staying in has the most beautiful persian rugs he has ever seen...I told him to be on the lookout for me one... I will have to pay to ship it but it wiill still be cheaper than buying one here in the states.

I know DH misses us but I also understand that he has been in the Navy for almost 14 years and everytime he went anywhere it was on a steel tube under the water. He never really got to experience things like he is now... And I can hear the excitement in his voice. I am so happy for him. I am scared about his safety, but he keeps telling me that he is just building sand castles... I will never look at a sand caslt the same way again...

The boys and I are still at my mom and dads. We will probably stay through the fourth. It is nice to have support around. I always go throuh a tough time when he leaves at least for the first couple of weeks. After that they remember that just because daddy's not home they can't run around like crazy lunatics... I always tell them that it will pass quickly and that it will get easier. It doesn't get any easier but hopefully for them they will find a way to cope with it...

He called today and it was so good to hear his voice. He misses us terribly. He forgot his pictures and asked me to please mail them to him... He has some on his palm pilot but he wants his album.

Well, I guess I need to try and go to bed... I will talk to you later.

Jeni

My Dh just left for his new duty station... I am very sad and have been crying most of the afternoon... I had to have more injections this morning so my FIL took him to the base for me...
Plus DH asked me to say good-bye here and let him go it would be to hard to know that I had to drive an hour home after dropping him off. He would worry about me... I am going to miss him so bad... I know I can do we have done this before but man I swear it doesn't get any easier...
I will keep you updated on his safety please keep us in your prayers...
Thank all of you for your supporting words...
Jeni

Well, we are down to the bare minimun time we have to spend with DH. I don't think that you can ever prepare yourself for him leaving you try to talk and say I am ready, tell the kids "it will be ok", knowing that inside you are crying...

We usually make a paper chain to count down the days but I am afraid to make it this time because of the length. I have done six months before but my kids are used to Trident life and daddy only bieng gone a max of 3 months... Those chains were long enough I feel like it might be overwhelming.

With everything going on I didn't really prepare anything for him I usually go all out but this time he said he really didn't have room to take it but that I will be able to send him packages,That is a new one we couldn't send packages to the sub...

We had a party for him on Sat for all our friends and family to come and say goodbye. It was wonderful. My sister stayed to keep the kids so we could go out to dinner... We had a great romantic dinner and just really enjoyed each others company...

Well, I need to go for now I will write more later...

Well, my DH family was trying to deal with the 3rd anniversary of his baby brothers death... His death was sudden and left a huge hurt on our family... He died June 16 2001... Well, as we were talking about Robbie and trying to just think of the good things, we recieced a phone call telling us that my husband uncle had just passed away in Wa... Well, as you all know hubby is leaving soon... So there is no way we could afford or even he could get the time off work... So this is another family moment we cannot be apart of... We both would have liked to say good-bye...

Uncle Bussy was diagnosed with stomach cancer in Dec... and has went downhill fast... There wasn't anything the docs could do...

Please pray for my husbands family... I will write later

Jeni

I can remember as a child counting down the days to summer... Now I count them down alright, count them till they go back to school... HA HA

I think the kids and I might pack up and go to the beach... They love to spend the day there. And it is a nice way to spend some time with them... We have a pool but as a kid there is nothing as good as the beach...

Dh told me last night he doesn't like me taking my meds... The new spasm medicine makes me kinda loopy... The dr said it will only be until I get used to it... I mean it is not like I am passing out or anything... I just feel very tired... I am going to take it later tonight so maybe it will hit me closer to bed time... I wish he would understand that these meds help me function with out them I live in constant pain... I know he is worried he hates to even take a tylenol for a headache.. I used to be the same way but I have come to realize that I need these meds to continue to have even somewhat of a normal life...

Like I said the dr said I should get used to the side effects and if after a while I still couldn't adjust just let him know... He has been wonderful... I am not so sure about this patch though... It has really started breaking my skin out... Plus it is supposed to last 3 days but I can tell it is gone after two... And by the time on the third day it is time to change my pain is so far ahead it doesn't really ever catch up... I am going to call my dr to see what he says...

I am still sore from the injections of Friday I stll have quite a few bruises... I am not sure if the injections helped or not.. I am still having alot of pain I know they won't take it all away but the injections are so painful I am really debating on whether or not they are worth it... He said that the shots might take some time, I have two more in the series... So we will see.

OK I need to go, I need to do some cleaning, and all that fun stuff...

Jeni

Well, today has been a lazy day... My oldest is at a friends house the lil ones are watching TV,,, It is raining andyukky out side so it is not likely they will be outside that much(((((((:cry)))))))))I am giong to go insane...

We do have to venture out to the commissary for groceries... I am telling you having all three of these boyzzz here all day they are eating us out of house and home..I told my DH that we were going to have to take out a loan to feed them by the time they hit highschool...

So thats my plan for the day get dressed(havent' yet) go to the store, come home unpack the groceries and probably pass out...

Have a great day I will talk tonight
Jeni

I have the house to my self...Dh has gone to bed so have DS's am just sitting here was reading but decided to pop on and see what my sisters were up to...

Well, I made a decision that I am no longer going to pursue my friend... You guys were right a true friend doesn' t leave you in your time of need...

My other friends say it is the best thing that has happeded to me ... Even my parents say that... My two really close girlfriends cant' stand her and have only put up with her becuase they knew my feelings...Maybe that should have been a clue... I just can't stand to see anyone alone, or hurting...I thought our friendship meant alot to her to... But I learned the hard way that some people are just not capable of bieng friends...

The sad thing is that I miss the kids... He lil girl I just adored. And her son was such a sweet kid... I am truly going to miss them. It also upsets me that she is moving to Germany and is OK with leaving things the way they are...

Oh well, guess it is out of my hands...
Please sleep well,
Jeni

I am trying to prepare myself and the kids for DH leaving but how do you explain and make it ok that Daddy is leaving for so long... My two oldest ones kinda understand but the four year old really doesnt'..Shoot sometimes I don't understand... I mean I know why he is going but talk about having mixed feelings... Sometimes I worry that we shouldn't even be there but I know if not for the Americans they would only continue to live in fear...

I am going to throw a big Bar-B que for DH this weekend... I thought it would be nice to have all his family and friends together before he leaves...

I know I can do htis I have done it before. When he was on the sub he used to go out for months at a time. And then we didnt even have communication. At least this time I will be able to talk to him occasionally. I don't even want to think about the phone bill. And plus I can send letters and gift boxes which I couldn't do on the sub either. He will be recieving extra pay which will be very nice... It will give us the oppurtunity to catch up on some bills... But I would still rather him stay home safe and sound... I swear I will probably be glued to CNN all day and night... He will come home and I will be gray and bald...

I know that my oldest Ds will be a big help he always steps up to bat when dad is gone... I also know that the lil one will try to push to see just what he can get away with...

Then football and soccer start and we will be running around like crazy. Because of the age difference in my kids they can't be on the same team and usually it never fails they both have a game at the same time on different sides of town... Not to mention practice every night or games... But it does make the time go by faster...

Well, the kids are screaming they want dinner so I gotta go feed them...
I will write later
Jeni

Well, like I said yesterday. She came over for coffee and tried to explain why she hadn't came by or called... The reason really didn't make much sense to me it seemed like a cop out... Things were cordial for a while then DH and I went on our cruise, and then to Ohio to visit family... When we returned I tried calling her but she would never return my calls... I did get an e-mail from her saying that her and her DH and kids were taking a belt test in Karate... She asked that we attend if we could... Well, I had double pnuemonia and a stomach bug so I couldnt go anywhere.. My dr was threatening to put me in the hospital... But agian she wouldn't know this because she never called me back...

So finally after bieng home for two weeks and not hearing from her I stopped by her house... I was very hurt by her actions and some of the things that have happenedl....for instance, one of our mutual friends moved last year and gave her a chimea well, I had asked that if she wasn't going to take it to Germany could I have it... Well, she sold at a yard sale, I had also offered to buy some of her home and garden stock that she started then decided not to sell, (just like tupperware, and Mary Kay and some others) well i was very upset to find out she listed it on E-bay....
Oh and the day I went over to her yard sale I found some of my kids clothes for sale... She said she couldn't remember whose they were... Now we have been friends for four years my children love her like she was their aunt..Actually they were closer to her...

I am not sure what is going on with her but I am truly feeling like she does not wish to continue this friendship and I am not sure I want to set myself up for hurt again... But I guess I am a gluton for punishment because I sure would like to know how someone who supposedly meant so much to you can be just forgotton... Because no matter what happened if she needed me I would be there...

Well, I don't know why I felt I needed to put this in my journal except it has really been laying heavy on my heart... My Dh is over it and truly doesn't want me to get hurt again.. As I said this wasn't the first time something like this has happened... I am just the type person who wants closure... I want to know why, I can't stand the fact that one day we were supposedely fine the next she won't talk to me...

Oh well, I guess I just need to let go... I have not called her, went to her house or e-mailed her in three days and she has yet to call me either.... As a matter of fact she has not called me since I have been back... I guess that is my answer...

I wish things like tha didn't bother me so..

I will write again later
Jeni

Hi sisters... I haven't been able to be on the puter as much as I would like lately.. We have been having the usuall afternoon thunderstorms... I swear it can rain on one side of the street and not the other... I love them personally but H is paranoid that we have to unplug everything, stay off the phone and out of the shower... I guess for me growing up in Florida I am used to the storms and they don't bother me...

My parents stopped by today on their way back from camping... I wanted to go to thier cabin this weekend but after having those injections on Friday(which is a story in itself) I didn't feel like traveling the five hours to get there... I was keeping thier lil doggie.. Now my poor Emma is heartbroken her lil friend is gone... I have talked to DH about maybe trying to get another doggy but he wanted to wait until we recieved our orders before we made a decision... If we were going overseas we would have to pay a fortune to quarentine them not to mention I hate the thought of putting My Emma-Girl in a kennel I refuse to take on another to... But now that we have our orders and our staying here for another three years I might tyr agian...

The problem is I love this breed so much I wouldn't want to go to another and they are so expensive... The only reason I was able to afford Emma was my girlfriend was the breeder and gave me a discount... But she is not breeding anymore... I will be on my own...

I almost hate to put this in here but it has been bothering me for sometime now... I need to vent...

I had a freind (have) who I thought we were really close... But one night she,I, her DH and mine plus another couple were playing games at my house.DH and I love to entertain... I had been with her all day and we decided to make abunch of fingerfoods for dinner sit and play games... I asked about inviting the other couple and she said yes.... Now I knew she had some reservations about the wife but I was trying to show her they were not true... She had believed the rumor mill, I can't stand it but she did... Anyway, after I spent $150 on fingerfoods, snacks for six adults and eight children, we went to my house and ate and began playing... She had said that Sat nite was on her because I had paid for friday night dinner and drinks... Well, we started playing. All of us were clowning around making jokes. Okay this woman is not much of a sport especially if she is losing.. She gets down right hatefull... I was trying to lighten the air, as to joke with everyone... Well, we were playing Trivial Pursuit... DH and I stink at games like that and were way behind... Her DH and my other girlfriends DH are way smart and knew things that were just not normal to retain... (ha hahaha)

Anyway upon mine and DH turn I picked up the phone and said I am using a lifeline, calling a friend... Well, I called my dad because I knew he would know the answer, I didn't , now I knew this wouldn't count but everyone but her busted our laughing when daddy knew the answer... She began cussing at me, yelling and I said, never mind dad C is bieng a B*&$h about it I have to go.. Laughing the whole time... Well, she get up and starts screaming at me, cussing telling me she is sick of me and a whole bunch of other things. Well, my DH told her if she couldn't stop then he was going to ask her to leave... Well, that did it.. She took off, now this was in Jan... Right when I began getting sick... I was two weeks before my surgery to find out if I had cancer, and to remove my ovaries and adhesions...

Well, that night Dh called and talked to her DH and her Dh said that she just needed to calm down... Well, the next day I tried calling she wouldn't answer... I tried several times she wouldn't return my call, I tried e-mailing to no avail she blocked my e-mail... Well, I finally went over there, she wouldn't come out sent her DH to tell me to go away she didn't want to talk to me... I tried to apologize even though I didn't understand what I had done... But I still thought she was a good friend...

Well, the weeks came and went and I went in for my first surgery, she never called, came by or anything to find out how I made out... Well, remember the first surgery wasn't a success, I had to go back a month later to have another one because of the severe adhesions and the size of the mass on my ovary...

My oldest son and hers were friends also, she refused to let her Ds talk to mine, still wouldn't talk to me or anything... My Dh went ot her house to try and talk to her becuase he knew how much it was upsetting me that she still wouldn't talk to me... Her Dh agian told him to go away... That C said that I was selfish and she was tired of me taking and taking and not giving back...
Well, this infurated DH. Yes the past year had been a tough one and I had leaned on her alot..But she never lead on that there was a problem and when I could return the favor I did... Taking her kids so her and DH couldn have the night alone before he went to sea... Keeping her sick DD because she had to work and no one else would, (causing my whole house to come down with the flu)... But I thougth that was what friends were for... Nto to keep a running tab on who did what for who....

Anyway, my second surgery came and went, and she still refused to talk to me... Then I started recieving these e-mails from her... At first they were just forwards, but they were hurtful,,, this woman considers herself a Christian so they were all about forgiveness and how a friend should not treat friends... Finally she sent me an e-card, and then one day she called to ask if DS could go over to play... Well, I wasn't going to let my Ds suffer any longer... After that she stopped me in Wal-Mart one day and gave me a huge hug and said how she missed me... And wante to talk...

She stopped by the next morning for coffee... She tried to explain how she felt and I tried to understand but I still don't ... She said that she needed me to be there and I wasn't... Well, I don't understand that... I felt like I had put my feelings out there for this person and she jsut stomped on them,,,(not the first time)...
She said that she didn't expect me to understand but that she missed me and wanted to be friends again... Well, I told her that I didn't think it could ever be the way it was. But I was willing to try and at least be cordiall...

Okay I will finish in a little while I have to go make dinner and I know this is rambling...

Thanks for listening..
Jeni

My poor cat is going to hate my four year old... I came out of my bathroom today after takin my shower to find the boyzzz bathroom door shut... I knew that my four year old was in there... Well, I hear the toilet flush and think he is just going potty, OH NOOOO not my lil angel... I open the door in time for the Kitty to come flying out of the bathroom soaking wet... My son tried to give her a bath in the hamper, when she wouldtn' stay in he explained that he put her in the toilet...

I swear that kid is worse than Dennis the Menace... I quickly spanked his bottom and put him in bed... He is going to drive me to drink... I know that God is reallly testing me with him... I know now if I had had him first I would have never had anymore children...

Heaven help me.... Please...

Jeni

I went today for my pre-op for friday... I am going in to have a SIJ
injection under x-ray and they will be putting me under twilight sedation... I was told that he will be using more medicine and hopefully this time I will notice more of a help... I have one this week and one in two more weeks then another two weeks after that. He is hoping that I will be able to come down off some of the pain meds and have less numbing in my leg... Me too

I have started having some pains in my pelvic area again... I am really not happy about that. DH and I had sex last night and I am in serious pain now... I don't understand... I don't have anything left in there to hurt... The only thing I can think of is adhesions... And I dont' even want to go there. I am afraid to call my dr because I am afraid of what he is going to say... I will mention it to my pain dr but I know he will want me to call my gyn. I am just not up to anymore surgery right now and plus more surgery just means more adhesions... It is a viscous cycle...

I feel like I am neglecting my DH because we used to be very active now I almost dread having sex because the next day I am so sore and hurting... He knows so most of the time he doesn't even try... I really want this problem fixed...

I wonder will I ever be normal again??? Will I ever be able to do the things I used to enjoy so much??? I just want to be a good wife and mother... But it seems like everytime I think I am starting to get back on my feet I fall back down again... It really is disheartening...

Thank you for listening...
Jeni

I have to tell you what my four year old did yesterday... I couldn't find the kitty anywhere... I could hear her in the kitchen, muted... So I opened all the cabinets, checked the oven, microwave, finally I opened the fridge...

Poor thing was in the crisper drawer, she was all curled up. I was so angry but I had to leave the room to laugh when I asked him why he did it and he said she was hot from bieng outside.... Needless to say he did get time out.... For quite a while....

I swear that child is going to be the death of me....

Love ya
Jeni

Well, I knew that today was going to go great when my four year old woke me up at 4:30 this morning puking on the floor by my bed... I got up cleaned him up cleaned the carpet, put him back to bed for about thirty min.. He was back up and finally I just put him in my bed but still about every thirty min he was up and sick... I did this till about 11:00 am when I woke DH and made him take over so I could sleep for a little while.. He then tells me was up with him till 4... So needless to say we have been dragging all day...

I am finally starting to feel human after my bout with pnuemonia, I hope that is not what he is starting... I guess it is to the dr for him...

Speaking of 'DRs I go to my pain mgnt again tomorrow. He is supposed to put me on Methadone for long acting pain... I am very nervous about this.. I mean Methadone I thought that was for addicts... But he says it is used alot for pain mgnt... I hope it works... He had me wean myself off the morphine pills I had been taking and I have just had three percosets a day and that is really not keeping me comfortable...

I am so tired of hurting and bieng sick. I want to be healthy again... I some times wonder if I will ever be normal. I hate that my kids and Dh are so used to me not feeling well that the first thing they say to me is mom is the pain to bad today... Some days I just lie to make them not worry...

My kids are in Vacation Bible School all next week so I am hoping to get some much needed cleaning done... I need to have a garage sale and get rid of some of this stuff... It would really make Dh happy...

Dh me and the boyzzz watched the last of the Lord of the Rings dvd's last night it was awesome... I didn't think that I would enjoy those movies but I truly did... They were wonderful. I can't wait till they come out to buy. My oldest is begging me to take him to the theatre to see the new Harry Potter movie.. Maybe next week he and I will sneak out and have an evening together... He has really been a help this week with me bieng sick so he deserves a reward...

Well, I am going to sign off for now I will talk to you tomorrow...
Love Ya
Jeni

Well, DH has finallly called and gave me some good news... We just recieved orders for our next duty station... We are able to stay here in GA for at least another three years. That really helps my therapy seeing as I finally found a dr.. that will help me and is compassionate. I am so glad that I don't have to go through the whole dr scene again...

On another note my GP called today and she said that I still sound awful and that if I do not sound and feel better tomorrow it is to the Castle for me for IV antibiodics... I am not thrilled but I guess at least it is the weekend and DH can deal with the kids.

All I want to do is sleep anyway so it won't be like I am missing anything except I hate that place...

It must be a full moon my boyzzz are crazy tonight... They have so much energy to burn and they are driving me nuts... I am getting ready to put in a movie and pop some popcorn and try to get them to settle down... I hope...

Dh is still at work and not sure when he will be home.. Since he was on vacation and then came home early two days he is backed up. I hope he gets home soon... I need a relief...

But then again I hate to dump everything on him after he has worked all day. I know that has to be overwheling. He usually doesnt' say anything just takes over and tells me to go to bed. For that I am grateful.

I hope all my sisters have a good night. I will be back later...
Love Jeni

I guess that I am not the best author... I jump around as the thoughts come to mind... But it has really helped me to put it in writing...

Today I need to let off some sad thoughts. My DH is leaving us for a six month deployment very soon... I am trying to prepare but how do you prepare for loosing you best friend, strength, confidant, and lover for six months... We have done this before so I know we can but this is different... With everything going on in the world today I am terrified about where he is going(he can't tell me) and will he be safe...

We sat down last night and went over his will, and all the papers if something happens plus made sure that I knew where everything was so I can take over bieng mommy and daddy both... It is really hard to explain to the kids that daddy is leaving and that he will be gone a long time... My oldest one realizes but the lil ones keep saying it's not that long daddy...

I think I am going to make another paper rope so that they can remove a link everyday to count down when daddy will be home....I am just worried about how long it will be and will it scare them..

Of course with me bieng sick i haven't made his boxes or anything I need to get bettter so I can do that for him... I try to make boxes to help him get through to... You know send letters, cards, lil surprises, pictures all the stuff we take for granted...

This deployment is our first on a surface level. He was always on submarines before and I am told that it will be alot different.. like he will be able to call and write and I will be able to send letters and boxes, (couldnt' do that on a sub). But he will still not be home and I am not doing so good this time... I am trying not to show him because it is so hard on him already but I know he can see it...

I know I will be leaning on my sisters alot when he is gone. I just pray he will be safe...

Well, I am going to go for now. Gotta go make lunch for the kiddes.

Love Ya
Jeni

I swear if it wasn't for bad luck I wouldn' t have any... Today I woke up to a very tender back... I think I have pulled a muscle or pinched a nerve from coughing my head off... I didn't sleep well last night due to the coughing and I guess the tossing and turning really did me in... Of course it is the left side not the right... I hate bieng in this predicament... I wish I was healthy and could actually enjoy summer with my boyzzz...

I would love to take them to the beach or the base pool, we have our own but it is still fun to adventure.. They love to go to the beach and find sharks teeth... They are everywhere... Kinda makes you nervous about getting in the water.

My oldest just returned home from a sleep over and he is so tired I guess they stayed up all night.. Ohh to be young again... He is my helper and he is so tired today I guess sleeping is all he wants to do...

The lil ones are trapped in the house due to weather.. Gotta love GA summers... You can pretty much count on a T-storm every afternoon...

I thought about packing up and heading to my folks but I really don't want to expose them to this yukky pnuemonia... My dad is permanatly disabled and he picks up every lil bug... I guess I will spend the weekend with hubby and kids resting which I probably should anyway...

I am feeling better to an extent... My chest is still very tight and I am coughing my foul head off. I know that is good it means it is breaking up but I can't stand it... And forget smoking, (yes I have that nasty habit) if I even try I spend half an hour coughing... Guess now is the perfect time to quit...

I have been catching up with my sisters as I was away alot this month... I feel like so much has happened... I worried about you all the whole time I was on vacation.. It is amazing how much this site and you girls have touched my life... DH says I am addicted but I say it is comforting to know I am not alone...

I know my journal entries have not been so great lately and I apolgize I have been sick as many of you know... I will try to do better.

Lets see where did I leave off on my story.... Let me go look and I will start there...

be right back..

Well, I am feeling a lil better since this morning. I am still not up to par but hey that is life. I am beginning to think it will be an eternity before I feel like my old self. I am not trying to sound pityful but I feel like there is always something keeping me from bieng well.

My Dh is due for a Med run in a couple weeks. For those of you who don't know what that is it is six months deployed... He is terrified to leave because of my health but he doesn't have a choice. The Navy waits for no one. I keep telling him I will be fine I have family close and some great friends. But he doesnt' think he should go... Well, they aren't going to let him stay home...

The boyzzz will be fine and help me when he is not here. We seem to come to an agreement and they step up to bat so to say when dad leaves. Especially the oldest one... They know that we all have to work together to make the deployment go smoothly... I have lots of support so I am trying to make him feel better.

Well, I need to go think about making dinner... Just had a few min and felt like talking.
Take car
Jen

I finally went to the dr yesterday and I have double pnemonia talk about feeling lousy... I thought I had a chest cold at worst... My dr wanted to admit me but I told her that I would have to bring my kids and I didnt' think the nurses would appreciate that... She agreed and just sent me home with a ton of meds...

I am still in a lot of pain with my back and lower pelvic area.. Dh is still on me about my meds. He came home with one of those pill seperators saying that maybel that would help me keep track of my meds... I wish he would understand... I finally called my pain dr and he is callng me something in today... Thank goodness... I am really hurting after two days of no pain meds... He apologized for not getting back to me sooner. I guess I have to realize he had ohther patients...

I am so tired of hurting I want a normal life back... I am so glad I found you girls... It really helps to know I am not alone in my pain, and struggle...

I just wish I could get DH to understand a little more... It really hurts when he says things about me taking my meds. I wish he realized I dont like taking them... But if I don't I am miserable...

Well, enough complaining.

We had a really nice time in Ohio... It is so pretty there... And seeing the distant family was great... They of course spoiled the boyzzz rotten. Now I am having to bring them back to reality... That is not fun... My oldest one has really helped me these past few days... I have been so weak I can't hardly get off the couch... And with DH just coming off leave he is working like crazy... But he did come home early yesterday to wathc the kids and after my drs appt I slpet the rest of the day until this mornign... I am feeling a little better today. But still not up to par....

The weather in Ohio was so nice but boy is it hot in GA... My kids stay in the pool. I can't stand to sit int he pool for long or my back and down my leg start to ache... I go in for sij injections on June 11th and 28th so hopefully htey will help.

I hope all my sisters are doing ok... I know I haven't been writing as much. I will promise to do better...
Love Ya
Jeni

Well, know I havent' wrote in a long time... Been busy with vacation... Dh took me on a cruise and when we returned I had some stomach bug... YUKK.. After resting a day we were back on the road to Ohio... We spent the week with my husbands Great Aunt and family... It was a wonderful trip... Except I am paying for it now.. I have been hurting a lot....

My DH's grandma passed away about a year ago and we had to go through her stuff yesterday. It was very difficult. I felt like it wasn' t my place to ask for anything but his mom kept telling me to take what I wanted... I picked her cookbooks so that I can share her favorite recipes with her great-grand children... I thought what better way too keep her spirit within them...

I am supposed to go for some more SIJ injections this month I am really looking forward to them... I hope they bring me some relief... But the last ones only lasted about a day or two. My new dr. said it was because the other dr didn't use enough meds. so we will see.

I have heard alot of sisters talk of the Duragesic patch.. I might ask him about that instead of taking pills all the time... Plus it seems like the pills just don't work anymore and if I take more my Dh is all over me.. He drives me nuts about counting my pills then lecturing me if anymore are missing... I wish he would understand. But I guess if you have never suffered from chronic pain you wouldn't know what it was like. He tries to be sympathetic but some days it seems like he really gets tired of me hurting and not bieng able to do anything...

Some days I wish I was normal... But I guess that is something I have to learn to live with...
Well, I am going to cut off for now I promise I will write more often now that vacation is over...

This is my get away from bieng mom and wife... I don't know what I would do with out my Sisters...

Love Jeni

Well, I got the results of my MRI today... Thankfully they were good. No tumor... YEAHH... I was so relieved. I am greatful that at least my brain is ok. Well at least no tumors to the drs they still think some of the pain is in my head...

I am so tired of hearing have you ever seen a pyschatrist... I need a pain doc not a head doc... It is not my head making my leg go numb that I can guarantee. Or my pelvic area cramp so bad I can't stand up straight...

Hopefully tomorrow the pain clinic will help me... I am so nervous... I have heard so many different stories about them... To some they are a life saver to some they are no help at all ... Then they send me all this paper work with all these contracts to sign about the drugs and how I will not get them from anyone but him and how I will not get early refills and how I will have to be open to urine tests which isn't a problem but goodness am I going to prison or a drs. office????

I feel like they are making me sign a contract giving up all my rights to pain relief and what if they don't handle it... Do I have the right to fire them? How do you go about that? Who decides what is proper pain relief? A dr I have never met? One who will just read my file and look at me and say my you have alot of problems for someone your age? I am terrified about this...
It is not the thought of not getting meds it is the thought of bieng in pain and not bieng able to do anything about it...

OK am I losing my mind? Have I just become paranoid from all the drs treating me like a "you know what" or do I have a reason for my worries???

DH is trying to be supportive but sometimes I feel like even he thinks it is in my head.. He has even made the comment that before they finally found my sij dysfuction, and the endo, and the disc discengration he thought I was making it up... Or at least making it worse than it was. That really hurt. But I guess I can't blame him... Well, yes I can. About four years ago he complained about his big toe hurting immensly.

I called and made him an appt and an x-ray well come to find out his sesmoid bone had been broken and never healed properly he had to see a podiatrist and wear a special boot for about six months to heal it.. And when he had an ingrown hair removed from right on his tail bone I packed that hole every time he needed a clean bandage, and never doubted that it hurt, and forget the complaining after his vascetomy.... And I was only two weeks post pardum... But I still took care of him and a 6,3 and infant...
I guess I just expected his trust a little more...
Now he says he does and is trying to advocate for me a little better but he hates the meds and will not push for them even though that is all that helps...

Well, I need to go put kids to bed...
I will write more later....
Thank you for listening.
Take care
Jeni

I guess the world can sure swallow you up and cause you to loose yourself in this life of constant suffering and pain that we have... I have been down pretty bad this past two days...

We went to my moms this weekend for Mothers Day and it is a two hour drive I had to drive it because DH had to work... He just met us there. Well, let me tell you my Yukon is alot more comfortable than my van and the heated seats help but sitting period for two hours, and not bieng able to really stretch is hard then we slept on a sofa bed. So my back and pelvic are killing me...

I spent yesterday on the couch. And most of today to...I am awaiting my pain clinic appt on Fri. I just hope that I am not putting to much faith in this dr.... I have heard so many different stories about them.

Of course the weather here is damp and cool so that doesn't help the ache any...

I hope you all had a good MOM DAY I am going to go get back on my heating pad


Jeni

I have been back and forth to the drs, mri and blood test this week. It seems that now they are worried about that darn pituitary tumor. Well, I wish they would make up my mind. Either it is a big deal or not. All I know is the headaches are getting worse and the pain in my back and pelvic area is still there.

I saw my gyn yesterday he really hurt my feelings. From the beginning he has always said that adhesions can cause severe pain and that especially someone with bowel and alot of scarring from many surgeries(which I fall into both) well yesterday I told him of the crampin, tearing, burning, sensation that I am having in my pelvic area he said that he didnt' think that it was caused from the adhesions. Now how could that be? I am so tired of mixed answers; and mixed up drs.

I am really trying to keep my chin up and keep my hope from dying but I'll tell you this is really hard. Maybe the pain clinic will be helpful but I am even feeling a little scared about that now... I had high hopes for that but not know... You hear so many horror stories about them, how do I know that this one will be fair, and treat my pain and not treat me like I am insane.

Oh sisters I don't know what to do...
Thank you all for caring so much and caring...
LOL
Jeni

Please for me... I know they are helping i can feel his prescense and I know he is with me... I jsut need to listen a lil louder....

I am sorry that I haven't been here for awhile. Like I said I have been pretty busy. We had a birthday party for my nephew this weekend. And we had horrible thunderstorms all weekend not that it bothered me, I love them.

I also worked on my mothers day gifts for my mom and my MIL I always try to make them personal. I have to find an antique frame for my MIL's and a pretty frame for my mom's plus some matts. I am really happy with how they turned out.

I have had a bad weekend as far as pain has been. I spent alot of yesterday with my tens unit on, alternating heat and ice. I think alot of it had to do with weather. But man did my back and leg ache. My right leg was practically numb all day.

I am still waiting for the dr. to call me back he has been supposed to call me back since last Wed. guess I should give up. I see him on Wed. so I guess I will bring it up to him then.

I am wondering if my adhesions are back or something. I have been having alot of cramping and pressure in my pelvic area. I know I am not getting ready to start my period I don't have the parts anymore... But it sure feels like it. I am so tired of all this.
I had my appt. on FRI. and they took a bunch of blood to check my prolactin levels, thyroid levels, and, several others. Hopefully it will show something...

I am getting excited about my cruise that dh and I are taking on May 16-20 we are going to the Bahamas. I am just hoping that my drs will be passionate enough to give me pain control to get me trough the cruise. The last thing I want to do is hurt the whole time... Talk about ruining the mood...

Dh is so good about the sex thing. But I would like to enjoy our time together without the kids. Do some of the walking through the Gardens maybe even snorkeling. But I am not sure if I can... My pain clinic appt it May 14 I am going to explain to him and hope he takes pity on me just for that week.... We will see...

Oh it feels so good to talk to you again... I have missed you so much, I need to sign off and make lunch but I will be back soon.
LOL'
Jeni

Things have been going pretty bad here lately. Sorry I haven't had a chance to write it all down. My drs are really giving me a hard time and so is dh. I feel like I have no support. I found a friend( one of the moms in my sons class) who seems to be going through alot of the same things I am going through. But I am a little leary of her. I don't know I don't trust to many people.
I have been very depressed lately cry at the drop of a pin and I just don't feel much like talking.
Truly I could stay in bed and cry all day because of the pain and frustration about the pain. But I know that wouldnt' do any good. Plus dh and I are fighting over MIL. Hopefully things will get better on our cruise. We are leaving on the 16th of may I just hope that the pain mgnt dr will help me get through the cruise without giving me a hard time... Yeah right.
Well, I know this is short considering I havent been on in awhile but I promise to catch up tomorrow when kids are in school and dh is at work.
LOL
Jeni

My DH new I was having a really bad day today between the kids and the drs and just plain out and out not feeling well, he just says to me go out to the outside freezer I got you something... He brought home my favorite Ben & Jerry's ice cream... Maybe it was guilt for all the fighting we did this weekend; maybe it was just like he said he knew I had a bad day.

These are the times that I truly know he cares and is trying to understand. I guess it is hard for me to understand his point of veiw. Has anyone went through counseling for this? and did it help?

I would be willing to try anything. We have had a great marriage adn I am not willing to let it go.

I will talk more when he is not home...
LOL
Jeni

I go tomorrow to have my proactin levels checked for this pituitary tumor in my brain so please pray for me... i am a little nervous.

Plus I feel like the adhesions are back, I would be will to bet on it and I am not a betting woman.

I am feeling better about DH and I but we still have alot to work out. I know it is just as difficult for him as it is for me. But sometimes it sure is hard to believe that.
LOL

I swear you can't win with those guys.... I called this morning for my refill of pain meds because he will only fill 24 at a time. Now normally I am able to get by with four a day but some days I need more some days I need less. Well the dr wrote the script for 1-2 every 4 to 6 hours. Well you do the math. The nurse calls me and says I won't call it in till tomorrow. Now I am completely out and I am suffering alot from the pain. What does she say "guess you should stick with four a day and then you won't have this problem." I was heartbroken. I have always stuck to the drs orders and never asked for an early refill. I don't know
I can't wait to get into that pain clinic. Maybe they will finally understand and be a little more compassionate.

Right now I am suffering with a great deal of pain and I am trying to cope with it the best I can. But boy is it hard... Hopefully she will call it in first thing tomorrow. I wish my life didn't revolve around meds. I am so sick of it. I am trying so hard to heal myself from the inside but with this pain it is impossible. I am tempted to go to the hospital. But hey do I really want a label?

I am in a no win situation. I know God is helping but the drs are ignoring him.

And by the way the dh that I was complaining so much about earlier he has been such a sweetheart tonigth. He is so angry at the drs because it is time for the refill and she did not even talk to the dr she just made the decision on her own.

Well I will write more later.

Sorry I havent been on this weekend. I have had a full plate. Not to mention it was not one of my better weekends. I have been so sore and even the meds don't seem to be helping.

I did finally have enough feeling sorry for myself and went yard saleing. I found some great things for my back porch. Couple candle lanterns, and some sconces, reallly made it romantic out there. Not that dh adn I are getting along well enough to enjoy it. I swear sometimes I don't know what to do with that man.....

Well, I am still waiting for pain clinic but I am truly afraid that my adhesions are back.... I have been suffering from some severe cramping, pulling, strecthing sensations in my pelvic region. I know that feeling well, I know I should say something to the dr but I am so sick of surgery and it is not like it is going to matter they will just come back...

Plus when I urinate it really hurts not like a UTI but like a painful spasm. I was on Detrol La but he took me off because when I was done going it would hurt really bad.... I don't know what to do.... I swear I feel like it is never going to end.

I feel like I am losing my support at home all dh and I did this weekend was argue and he critized me about what I can't remember, what i don't do anymore, how I am not the same person, and how he feels like everything is falling on his sholulders. I know he has had to take on alot with this illness but what can I do. I try to do the housework and I am layed up for two or three days. He treats me like one of the kids.

I went to store to get some chemicals for the pool, well, I must have had my check book on my wallet and had to take it out to get to my debit card. Because I didn't write a check but somehow I mananged to leave my checkbook. You wouldn't believe the lecture I recieved when I got home about how is he supposed to leave for six months and not worry that the house is going to fall apart. The other night I had put a tea kettle on for a cup on tea, well the kids yelled for me and I thouhgt I turned it off. Well, my oven clicks twice if you don't have it all the way on high, it will click once to let you know it is on high(which I thought it was) and once to turn it off. Well, anyhow I went to check on the kids even though he was doing nothing, but they called my name you see, and when I came back into the kitchen to finish my tea he says" put that down and come here, look at that burner, you could have burned the house down, you need to be more carefull, you are so forgetfull."

Now I admit I am forgetful I don't know why I used to not be. I used to have a great memory but not anymore.

Then he tries to tell me I am not taking care of the kids like I used to well that is where I draw the line you can drag me through the mud but I a good mother I know I haven't been able to play with them and rough house with them but at least I am here and make time to listen to them, and talk to them.

Him he is always working that comes first. And if he isn't at work he is ordering them around like part of his crew. I actually think he treats he crew with more respect.... He has my ten year old doing so many chores, he has the seven year old do chores and even the four year old. Now I am not saying there is anything wrong with that but they deserve to be kids.

My child hood was taken away so young by that man. I didn't want to be a child I felt if I did grown up things I could protect myself. By the time I was 11 I was watching my two sisters while mom and dad worked fulltime, making dinner, doing laundry, plus housework. I dont' want that for my kids.

I am sorry to boo hoo on you guys I will sign off till I calm down a little... I am crying so hard I can't see the screen.

LOL

By the Grace of God my DH is home. He landed around 22:30 last night and came in around 1:30 to scare me to death. I was sound asleep after watching the Haunted Mansion. Well, let me tell you that after watching a movie like that then awaking to a lightly brushing feeling against your arm, well lets just say my heart about jumped out of its chest. He thought it was hilarious.

I didn't sleep very well last night. I was in a lot of pain even with the extra meds. I think alot of it was stress. Somedays it seems that when you think you have it all under control it smacks you right in the face. Today I am going to try and take it easy. But dh has plans to try and clean the pool and get the yard in shape for summer.

I wanted to go see momma and daddy this weekend but the trip just didn't sound to good. They only live about an hour and a half away but to add them together it is really a trip and we have to make it next weekend for B-day parties. Now trust me my truck with heated seats makes it nicer. But still I suffer from the ride. Who knows maybe I wil just go yard saleing.

Well, i will get back to you this afternoon. Take care
LOL
Jeni

My DH is flying today. I am not allowed to tell you where due to military rules but I can tell you for those of you who watch CNN and have been following the goings on in Haiti then you know he needs your prayers desperatly.

Usually my DH stays on the ground and handles the Intel part of the flights but due to the nature of the changing Intel they felt it best for him to be on board. Lucky him.... I don't think I will sleep a wink until he is home tonight.

I think I felt safer when he was aboard a submarine under water, at least there he was hidden. Now he is a flying target for anyone to see. And it seems lately they are not afraid of the United States anymore.

Well, I know I sound like a paranoid wife so please just pray for not only my husband but all our men and women in uniform out there doing there job to keep us safe from harm. And also pray for thier families to be strong and have peace of mind until thier return.

Thank you
Jeni

Do you ever feel like your dreams are gone? I have always tried to have a positve outlook on why God choose to give me three boys. And for those of you who have no children please don't take this the wrong way because I know to you it sounds very cold hearted and as if I am ungrateful for my blessings. That is not the case. I thank God everyday for my children, they are the reason I keep going, they are my inspiration, my light my everything.

But, I have always dreamed of having a little girl to share and have that special relationship with. My mom and I were very close. She is still my best friend, and has been my whole life. I wanted that to have to pass on. I wanted to have that little girl, to dress up, get ready for her first dance, prom, and yes plan her wedding, and one day share her day of becoming a mother....
Now I know the Lord has a reason for all he does and only he knows best. But my hear still aches for that little girl that I thought for sure was made for me...

Now people always say don't you wish you would have had a little girl and my answer is no because there is not one of my boys I would trade to have a girl. But I was sure that I would add a girl to my family until this disease took that from me.... Now I am very blessed to have three boys and I would never compare myself to the women who could never concieve but the ache in my heart is severe. I have asked my DH about adoption but he feels with the fact that we have three children we would not be looked upon for a suitable adoption family. Not to mention he is active duty military.

I hear the stories in the news about the babies abandonded in trash can, and beaten and left in cars and I want to scream I will take them... I have a girl friend who has two lil girls and she does not take care of them. The military will not step in and the baby is going around the neighborhood by herself while the mom sleeps upstairs. It is frustrating. I want to go by pick her up and jsut bring her home....

I pray every night that the Lord will answer my pray and let me know what he has in my future. I know one day I will have three beautiful daughters and hopefully a slew of grandchildaughters.
Just keep me in your prayers that my heart will heal.

I truly am greatful for all I have I hope that I do not sound selfish or ungreatful. I do not want that to be the way it comes off.
I am hoping that someone will understand that I just wanted more children before this disease took my woman hood away.


LOL

I know I havent been here in a day but boy what a day holds... I have still been trying to recover from my trip to PT. I was supposed to go today again but called and explained that until I started on pain mngt I didn't think I could handle the pain of PT. I mean I had the appt. on Mon. and I am still barely getting around. I don't see how that is helping much. They agreed and didn't have a problem postponing my PT.

Yesterday my DH had the bright idea to have my 10 year old finish draining my algea filled pool. (not a good idea) But of course he was not here to deal with it so what the heck. Now you have to picture. DS #1 with one of his friends the same age, DS #2 at 7 and DS #3 at four standing in a hunney pot shaped pool that is about ankel deep trying to get all the pine needles, pine cones, branches,etc out. Then trying to find a way to stand on the blown up ring to let the rest of the water out... Well we all know that if you stand on one side and some one else stands on the other side the lightest one catapults off the ballon right....Well after about five times they figured this out. Now mind you the dog is having a blast playing in the now swamp that was once my back yard....

My oldest son and his friend decide to get buckets and scoop the water out,.... And yes this leads to one huge algea water fight YUKKKKK I am so thankful my children have had thier shots.... I just keep thinking this is no different then my sisters and I jumping into the creek out by memaws and paws... (scary but true). Well, after about the whole after noon they had the pool empty and they all looked like drowned river rats... Thinking of course they were now going to come in and play playstation. HA HA....

Mom met them with a bar of soap and a little thing called a water hose out side made them strip down (all except the neighbor boy he went home where I am sure his mom did the same thing) and they took a cowboy shower. They were screaming the whole time "its cold, Your mean, " well my words were it could not have been any colder than that pool water and at least it is clean....
Because you are not entering my house looking like that....

Let me tell you when DH came home I met him with the same water hose... Just to let him know how much fun his kids had this afternoon... Somehow he neglected to see the joy in it.

I thougth it was completely hilarious....

I did my pt like a good lil girl yester day and I am surely paying for it today. My drs. nurse called to check on me and I told her that I felt like I had been run over by a steam roller and no one scraped me up. DH has promise to give me a nice massage tonight to hopefully help loosen the muscles. I hurt in places I didn't know could hurt.

Not to mention I had a renunion with a friend with whom we had a major falling out in Jan. and she has refused to speak to me sense. Even through my surgeries. I haven't posted on the boards because I didn't want to feel like I was gossiping But in my journal I can let my feelings out and that is all it is. No judging. You see we have been friends for four years and she was my lifeline. I depended on her alot. My children loved her as family so did I and dh. My ds's called her Nana. She was with me through my TAH because dh was out to sea on the same boat as hers so she basically moved in with me. It was wonderful. We became in seprerable. I always felt that we leaned on each other. She had endo to and on her bad days I would try to take care of her kids so she could rest, after her lap I made dinner for her family as her hubby was home. I spent many nights at the hospital with her for pain control for ruptured cysts and other problem, well anyway. In Jan we had a dispute and she basically said I was a selfish person and that I had never been there for her. She called me some rather ugly names and upset me very much my dh bieng protective, seeing as I was two weeks pre-op told her that if she could not calm down she would have to leave.

Well, she did. The next day I tried to call to see if we could talk about what had happened. She would not take my calls, e-mails, nothing. I drove over to her house and her husband came out and asked me to leave. Told me to not bother her again when she was ready she would come to me....

My surgery date came and went. I tried to contact her a few more times with no luck. She didn't show the day of my surgery and made no attempt to find out the outcome. Well, about a month ago I started recieving e-mails from her, nothing personal just forwards, you know the annoying, send these or else. She claims to be very Christian so alot of them were about living right by God and forgiving each other for thier misgivings. I was very upset by these but didn't know what to do.

I never responed just kept praying that the Lord would help me figure out what to do . Well, on Sunday she called to see if my dS could come over to play withher ds. He has missed him dearly so I said yes. Then she asked me if we could get together for coffee. At first I was flabbergasted and wanted to protect myself and say no but I did say yes. Well, today we met and I am not sure I feel much better.

She tried to explain that she felt that she was going through a very stressful time in her life and felt like i was not bieng there for her. She said that She was wrong and that I would probably never understand it was a Christian thing that she needed to pray about and the Lord made her see. Well, I didn't really understand a word she said. I truly would like to have some sort of friendship back with this woman. She meant alot to me. But I don't know if I will ever fully be able to trust her again. I have been through two surgeries, several severe dxs, and very painful recoveries only for her to not be there. She comes back now expecting me to forget everything..

I am praying that the Lord will give me the answers to deal with this...

I know he knows all and will give me the strength to face all, I just hope I am listening really good so I dont hurt anyone.

I know this was off the topic but thank you for listening I really needed to talk and who best to talk to than my sisters.
lol
Jeni

Oh my,
What a day! I started my PT. I can barely move and my back and pelvic muscles feel like I have just been through childbearth. What a time for the dr to cut back my pain meds. I think he and I are going to have to have a talk.

I really liked the PT therapist of course she was a young lil thang. You know about twenty one if that with the lil hip huggers on cute lil half shirt on, all tan and making me feel all my 29 years. But hey oh well, maybe one day.

Well, I realized going over my journal that I have missed a few things in my story through the past. I hate to dredge it back up but I know it is important for you to see the whole picture. So let me try to put you back in time ( ready).

After having my Tah in Feb of 2003 DH and I also recieved some shocking news that was out of the blue. My cervix tested positive for cancer cells. Now they explained that I didn't have cancer but I had cells that could have eventually begun to grow cancer. My question was all my pap smears came back class 4 so why was this never questioned? The dr never could answer me.

Now remember my mom had cervical cancer when her hyst was done on her. Kinda makes you really question the medical field. My next question immediatly was what about my ovaries? My moms were removed for fear of ovarian cancer. They told me it usually was not connected. I asked for a second opinion and she became so offended that my dh and I felt like if we did I would recieve lower care.

So I guess when eleven months later it was kinda our fault that my ovaries grew the masses and had to be removed. The Lord truly works in mysterious ways. At first she did not want to do the surgery. Dh and I still say that is why she closed me up and sent me to a specialist. But I am glad she did. After what she did I am not comfortable with her anymore.

Sorry I left that out I guess I got so wrapped up in the babies and thier delivery that I skipped that part. Sorry I hope I didn't confuse you.... I will try to keep everything else in order...

I am going to go for now I will write more tonight.
LOL

April 18 2004

Hello sisters,

Boy was this weekend full I ended my last journal entry with baths and bedtime story and I am beginning this one with coffee and just me and my lil one alone on a Sunday morning. Let me pick up where we left off. Go fill your coffee cups or tea and get comfy cause here we go....

In Feb. 2003 I had my TAH deciding to have everything removed I felt that with everything I had been through leaving my ovaries was just not worth the risk of having the endo grow back. Well, while I was under anesthetic my dr. and my dh decided that because I was 28 and she felt she could scrape the endo, and by removing the uterus she was removing the ando, she also removed the tubes and cervix that leaving the ovaries was the best option. That way and I quote " she gave me at least 10 years hrt free". Well, she definetly wasn't a psychic and could not tell the future because exactly 11 months later I was having an MRI for my SIJ joint and guess what they found(after I had been telling my gyn I am having left side pain, and she kept saying it was normal I would still have ovulation pain)a 6x10 cm mass. I say a mass because they said it had abnormal tendencies. Well, of course I went straight back to my gyn, after my sports dr, bless his heart about had a heart attack on the phone calling me to tell me what he had found. You could tell that was not his area of expertise.

He was so nervous, he kept saying I sent the films to a friend of mine who is a gyn in Fernindina he said that this is pretty serious. You should be seen as soon as possible. Well, I am not really as concerned as he because I have already had my hyst so the feelings of never having a child aren't there but for him he is so upset about having to tell me that need to have this removed. I was a little commical. He called me everday till I had the surger. Then came to see me at home during recovery. Made sure I had cortizone shots in my back to ensure my back could handle the surgeries... Oh yeah that is right the surgeries both of them... Let me back up....

Well, that wondeful female gyn (boy did I get fooled). She agreed to do the BSO to remove the ovaries and the adhesions. We decided that doing it Lap. would be the easiest on me and the fastest healing. Well, once she was in she quickly realized that was not going to work. Due to the extent of the adhesions. She could not even see the ovaries and my intestines were so severely adhered they were stretched from one side of my stomache to the other. She decided to sew me up and send me to a specialist. I was glad that she knew her limits and decided not to cut me open again.

I went to see the surgeon and he was not even sure by looking at the pictures if he could do the surgery Lap. But he was top in his feild and "loved a challenge" so we set up surgery for two weeks after my first to give the swelling and inflamation time to go down. Well, of course I am still in tremendous amounts of pain, one from the surgery and still from the cyst that is still growing will the specialist is not yet taking responsiblility for me and my gyn call me one night after refusing to call me for three days... And says I qoute" you are addicted to pain meds I am refusing to care for you anymore" and she hung up on me.... Well, this left me stuck. Luckily I went to my GP and explained the situation and she gave me the meds to get me through till surgery and the surgeon has been wonderful with controlling my pain now.I know there is a chance of becoming addicted to the pain meds but as my sisters have shared with me it is so important to realize that chronic pain patient rarely ever become addicted to thier meds. They may become tolerant and they can work with their drs for that. I was just unlucky to come across a dr who might have been burned in the past and was not willing to work with me. Now I have been sent an angel and he is truly helping through this difficult time. But I am also helping myself.

I am currently awaiting my chance to begin a physical therapy class and maybe even thinking of taking some beginning yoga. I am determined to beat this pain and not let it rule my life anymore. I know that I will forever have it and that there is no magic cure for it but I have to learn to live with it instead of letting it live for me. I am also bieng placed in a pain clinic. Which I fought tooth and nail at first.

My thought bieng, I am not addicted to these drugs. I do not need a drug clinic. But from talking to many of my sisters I realized that the pain clinic is not a rehab it is a place to go to help me manage my pain. A place to help me find other alternatives to just taking a pill. But not taking the things that work away. I have become very excited about going. I can't wait for the day that my kids can say mom you want to come paly baseball and I can say sure, lets go, instead of no I better not because I know if I do I won't be able to move the next day.

I have found other things to do with my children to try and keep our relationship strong. We have Friday night dinner and a movie. We usually have pizza whether we order or make homemade then we pull out the sofa bed and watch movies till midnight. That makes it great for Sat morning sleep ins and pancake breakfasts. I have three boys so we usually have quite the montra of movies. From horror to disney. But at least I am with all of them and it gives me a chance to really talk to them. Even my 10 year old still talks to me it makes me feel great. I hope it continues.

Well, I am going to sign off for now I will be back soon. I need to wake the rest of the house... And begin our Sunday.... Have a great day...

LOL

April 18 2004

Hello sisters,

Boy was this weekend full I ended my last journal entry with baths and bedtime story and I am beginning this one with coffee and just me and my lil one alone on a Sunday morning. Let me pick up where we left off. Go fill your coffee cups or tea and get comfy cause here we go....

In Feb. 2003 I had my TAH deciding to have everything removed I felt that with everything I had been through leaving my ovaries was just not worth the risk of having the endo grow back. Well, while I was under anesthetic my dr. and my dh decided that because I was 28 and she felt she could scrape the endo, and by removing the uterus she was removing the ando, she also removed the tubes and cervix that leaving the ovaries was the best option. That way and I quote " she gave me at least 10 years hrt free". Well, she definetly wasn't a psychic and could not tell the future because exactly 11 months later I was having an MRI for my SIJ joint and guess what they found(after I had been telling my gyn I am having left side pain, and she kept saying it was normal I would still have ovulation pain)a 6x10 cm mass. I say a mass because they said it had abnormal tendencies. Well, of course I went straight back to my gyn, after my sports dr, bless his heart about had a heart attack on the phone calling me to tell me what he had found. You could tell that was not his area of expertise.

He was so nervous, he kept saying I sent the films to a friend of mine who is a gyn in Fernindina he said that this is pretty serious. You should be seen as soon as possible. Well, I am not really as concerned as he because I have already had my hyst so the feelings of never having a child aren't there but for him he is so upset about having to tell me that need to have this removed. I was a little commical. He called me everday till I had the surger. Then came to see me at home during recovery. Made sure I had cortizone shots in my back to ensure my back could handle the surgeries... Oh yeah that is right the surgeries both of them... Let me back up....

Well, that wondeful female gyn (boy did I get fooled). She agreed to do the BSO to remove the ovaries and the adhesions. We decided that doing it Lap. would be the easiest on me and the fastest healing. Well, once she was in she quickly realized that was not going to work. Due to the extent of the adhesions. She could not even see the ovaries and my intestines were so severely adhered they were stretched from one side of my stomache to the other. She decided to sew me up and send me to a specialist. I was glad that she knew her limits and decided not to cut me open again.

I went to see the surgeon and he was not even sure by looking at the pictures if he could do the surgery Lap. But he was top in his feild and "loved a challenge" so we set up surgery for two weeks after my first to give the swelling and inflamation time to go down. Well, of course I am still in tremendous amounts of pain, one from the surgery and still from the cyst that is still growing will the specialist is not yet taking responsiblility for me and my gyn call me one night after refusing to call me for three days... And says I qoute" you are addicted to pain meds I am refusing to care for you anymore" and she hung up on me.... Well, this left me stuck. Luckily I went to my GP and explained the situation and she gave me the meds to get me through till surgery and the surgeon has been wonderful with controlling my pain now.I know there is a chance of becoming addicted to the pain meds but as my sisters have shared with me it is so important to realize that chronic pain patient rarely ever become addicted to thier meds. They may become tolerant and they can work with their drs for that. I was just unlucky to come across a dr who might have been burned in the past and was not willing to work with me. Now I have been sent an angel and he is truly helping through this difficult time. But I am also helping myself.

I am currently awaiting my chance to begin a physical therapy class and maybe even thinking of taking some beginning yoga. I am determined to beat this pain and not let it rule my life anymore. I know that I will forever have it and that there is no magic cure for it but I have to learn to live with it instead of letting it live for me. I am also bieng placed in a pain clinic. Which I fought tooth and nail at first.

My thought bieng, I am not addicted to these drugs. I do not need a drug clinic. But from talking to many of my sisters I realized that the pain clinic is not a rehab it is a place to go to help me manage my pain. A place to help me find other alternatives to just taking a pill. But not taking the things that work away. I have become very excited about going. I can't wait for the day that my kids can say mom you want to come paly baseball and I can say sure, lets go, instead of no I better not because I know if I do I won't be able to move the next day.

I have found other things to do with my children to try and keep our relationship strong. We have Friday night dinner and a movie. We usually have pizza whether we order or make homemade then we pull out the sofa bed and watch movies till midnight. That makes it great for Sat morning sleep ins and pancake breakfasts. I have three boys so we usually have quite the montra of movies. From horror to disney. But at least I am with all of them and it gives me a chance to really talk to them. Even my 10 year old still talks to me it makes me feel great. I hope it continues.

Well, I am going to sign off for now I will be back soon. I need to wake the rest of the house... And begin our Sunday.... Have a great day...

LOL

4/16/04
Hello my fellow sisters,

I would like to begin by giving you a brief description of exactly who Dabearzzz(Jeni) is. I am a Navy wife of 12 years, married to my dh Stacy for 12 1/2 years. We share three beautiful boyzzz, ages 10,7,and 4. To round out our family we have an Appenzellar Mountain Dog Emma she is 1 1/2 , a cat Nikki she is 3, 2 birds, and a turtle Lucky that is 8 years old. We enjoy our military life as much as we can trying to make each move an adventure and find the best out of every duty station. We have been in Great Lakes IL., Vallejo Ca., Bremerton Wa., Groton Ct.(twice) and right now we are calling Kingsland Ga. home.

I love the life that dh and I have we are very close and even though we are seperated quite often due to his job we are each others best friend and at times each others saving grace. I know that without him I would have not made it through my illness.

My dh has seen me through back surgery at the age of 15, we had only been dating for six months when I had a lipoma tumor form on my sciata nerve causing me to loose all the feeling in my right leg. A specialist at the University of Florida spent 8 hours delicatly removing the tumor and its many tenticles from my spine. My mom and dad, grandparents and yes my 17 year old boyfriend ever left the hospital. My mother said she knew then and there that we had something special. I went through a year of very difficult PT and he never left my side.

It was during this difficult time that I shared one of the most hidden, gaurded times of my life with him. When I was 7 years old I began to be molested by a 21 year old man. This continued for two years until one night he raped me causing severe damage to my vaginal area. I still hid it from my parents until school the next day, my teacher noticed I could not sit down. Fearing the worst she sent me to the guidance counselor where I proceeded to tell of what I thought I did wrong, and that I was going to be very sick. I had to be taken to the ER for gy care and soon after I began my cycle with several problems to follow.

I will always believe that this act was the beginning of my problems. My cycles were never easy I can remember bieng in the sixth grade and the principal having to come carry out of the bathroom because I was to weak to get off the floor. The first few days of my cycle were spent in bed with a heating pad and praying that the Lord would make it stop. I remember when my mom had her hyst at the age of 29 making me 13 I asked her if I could have one to so I would not have to suffer anymore either. My mother had cervical cancer, and problems with ovarian cysts also.

When I was married and became sexually active my problems really started. My dh and I had to come home early from our honeymoon due to what the drs. dxd as an appendicitis attack. They did emergency surgery to remove my appendix. This from saying that the severe vaginal discharge was coming from the ruptured appendix. Well, you could tell I was only 17. Of course, that didn't help a thing and within a week I was back in the hospital with a high fever and severe pelvic pain. This time dh refused to let me be seen at the same hospital so he drove me an hour away and they dxd me with PID(pelvic inflammatory disease). OK sounded like it could be possible. They started IV antibiodics in the hospital for two weeks then sent me home with an IV for another month. Let me tell you for a newly wed those bills were unreal. Thank goodness we were military.

Finally began feeling better and hubby and I moved to Cali. We had several test done and were told that we would be unable to have children due to the scar tissue from my childhood rape and the pid infection. I began a year round treatment of Lupron to try and control the rapidly growing endo. After the Lupron I did a year of continuos BC. We decided to give my body a break from all the painful injections and the nasty hormonal side effects of the treatments. Dh was due to go to sea for six months and after all we were told we could never concieve anyway. So boy were we surprised when I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunatly even my pregnancy was very difficult. I found out at 16 weeks that I was having twins. We were both shocked and elated at the same time.Things went pretty routine until about 24 weeks when I started having some cramping and some bleeding. Upon going to the dr. they informed me that I had lost both babies. My dh was out to sea abaord the USS Parche a submarine.Well,they usually don't bring the men home off a sub. But we were fortunate that we had a captain that was a religious man, and believed that a husband should be with his wife during the loss of a child. The next day my dh came in the room and what a comfort to me. Later that day the dr. came in to do a sonogram to make sure that they didn't need to do a DNC. As they were doing the sonogram the tech and the drs. became very quite. Finally one of the drs pointed out a heartbeat. Somehow the Lord had spared one of our precious lil ones. It was our miracle.

I was put on bed rest at 28 weeks due to pre-term labor and stayed there in the hospital till 36 weeks.Flat on my back, sometimes tilted headdown with the worst meds you could ever imagine bieng pumped into me. But it was worth it on Nov. 4th our first son was born. They said he was a premie but at 8lbs 12 1/2ozs I don't see how. Even his birth was terrible. I was in labor for 52 hours and pushed for 4 1/2 hours I did not have pain meds by choice. When I pushed the baby out I ripped terribly,they called it a 4th degree tear. It took them two and a half hours to sew me up taking clippings from the inside to put on the outside. I also have scars on the outside of my thighs from the tears. I bled out causing my heart rate to drop and the nurses and drs called a code blue.DH said it was one of the scariest moments of his life. He said that all these people began running in sticking me with needles pumping me full of fluids, then did the paddles, telling him and my mom to leave the room. Well, he would not go anywhere. I don't remember anything thankfully.The next thing I remember is waking up and asking to see my baby not realizing it was several hours later. I had to be cathed to pee due to the swelling. It took me about six weeks to be able to sit up straight. I had to have two blood transfusions to return my blood level to a relativly normal level.

After his birth my cycles continued to be very painful and heavy.They seemed to have gotten worse. I had my first Lap done in 1995 and the drs told dh and I that if we ever wanted anymore children we had better do it soon due to the quickly growing endo, and ando. Well, the one problem was hubby was leaving again so.We tried Lupron once again. And then the BC thing again. When we decided to start trying to have a baby I stopped the pill and two days later I was pregnant. It was just meant to be. But after the first trials with baby number one we were very nervous.

Thankfully the pregnancy went off pretty easy. I did suffer from gestational diabetes again but was able to control it with diet. I had one scare after my dad had a heart attack.The baby and I went into stress, but after a night in the hospital things settled down. His delivery was a whole different story to.I had back labor from Friday till Monday before I even knew that is what it was.Called the dr on monday due to the back ache becoming unbearable,they had me come in and I was at 7cm.They broke my water at 10 pm and by 2 am I was pushing well 2:22 Trevor came into this world at 7lbs 5oz but unfortuatly the cord was wrapped around him so tightly that he was not breathing.It took the dr and a very dedicated nurse 4 min and 30 sec to get Trevor stabilized. That was terrifing. I was so grateful to the dr that he did not give up. Trevor has struggled a little with asthma but other than that he is as healthy as a horse. After Trevor's birth my cycles were wonderful. I could count on them like clock work. They were less painful, less heavy,and lastedhalf the time. The drs. explained that sometimes after pregnancy endo can go into remission.Well, I was thrilled. But my life of luxury was short lived because the Lord had one more angel for me and dh to bring into this world. We were using protection but you know as well as I do when the Lord wants something nothing stands in his way.

My third pregnancy was awful I became diabetic right away having to give myself 4 shots a day by the end. I spent the last two months in the hospital o bed rest because of preterm labor. Then when it was time for him to come into the world he decided he was to comfortable so I had to be induced. I finally opted to try and have anepidural but wouldn't you know it didn't take. So once again I did it natural.. The labor wasn't bad started about 8 am and he was born at 12:55 in the afternoon weighing in at 8lbs 7oz. He did have a little trouble controlling his sugars at first but by the night he had it under control.

Unfortunatly for mom my nice regular cycles gone. I really never stopped bleeding after I gave birth to Tanner in 2000. I would bleed for two months, three months, sometimes longer. The drs recommended Lupron so I tried it again. Well, that didn't work.I fought for two years to try and save my female organs because I didn't want to not be a woman. But on Feburary 19 2003 I had a TAH and I feel it was such a wonderful decision for me and my whole family.
Thank you for listening I am just starting I will continue tomorrow.I am going to go give baths and read bedtime stories.
Take care