I just saw News' shout-out to me in her last post and realized I hadn't updated you all over the last few weeks.

Well, in some cases, things are better, in others, it's wait and see. My brother had his operation for colon cancer. It's amazing now that they can often do this laproscopically!!! He's home and recuperating. They did have to take more lymph nodes than expected, and we already knew he might have to have some chemo. So he gets his treatment plan/prognosis on Monday, but he's doing very well. My other brother went down for five days, even though he urged everyone else to stay home -- his daughter, son and me since we all have jobs (My other brother is retired). My brother was a big help to him and his wife, and I'm very grateful they had someone in person there to help (it also eased my mind a lot)

My cousin also had her surgery for colon cancer, and her results are better than expected. Yes, she had her liver affected (making her Stage 4), but the doctors' felt they got it all. She went home yesterday. I went to go see her in the hospital on Thursday, and my brother, who returned from Iowa, only to turn around and visit her in the hospital with me, said she was recuperating almost as well as our brother.

So everyone made it through the surgery.

As for me, work is still a bear, but I am handling it better. I have four new people starting the next few weeks, in addition to the six I already have -- I now supervise 10 people -- whew! I'm just so grateful to have a job, and the last few weeks, have put it in perspective. Things will always change, my bosses will always expect me to sort it all out, etc., but I can't afford to get myself sick and worried over it. Life is too short.

I am finally, for the first time in my life, completely out of debt. The money we received from the sale of the company helped me clear away the last of the debt, and save a huge chunk towards retirement. In these times, I have a lot to be grateful about -- finally seeing over 30 years in the working world finally pay off a little. Mostly, I finally can see myself clear to retirement early -- I refuse to be one of those people afraid of retirement who dies at their desk or the day after they retire!!! I personally don't think I'll have any issue with retirement. And if I could, I would do it today.

Happy Easter ladies.

Well, last time I wrote was mid-October, and once again, life is getting away from me, and I need to come in here and write it down just to get my bearings.

First, the really bad news. My oldest brother -- the one in Iowa -- was diagnosed last week with colon cancer. They are doing tests this upcoming week and he'll meet with the doctor on Friday. I am so happy that I drove down there for Christmas -- it was my first Christmas I spent with him in person in 20 years (he and his family had lived in California, and I'm not a good flyer). And, when I traveled on business there in October I got to spend a few days with him. Because I'm working, and my remaining brother is retired, he will go down for the operation and to lend support to my oldest brother, his wife, and two adult children.

He's my third brother to have colon cancer -- 3 for 3 -- now. We have Lynch Syndrome, the colon cancer gene, but we really thought he had "dodged the bullet" and been the only one of the four of us not to have inherited the gene, because he didn't have cancer as early as the rest of us. The doctor said "no" -- he was just luckier than the rest of us (my cancers, while not colon, were a direct result of the colon cancer gene -- women are more often affected by multiple cancers in the reproductive organs).

This comes right on the heels -- literally by a week -- that my oldest cousin, only a year younger than my brother and someone I look to as a "big sister" -- told us that she has Stage 4 colon cancer. This cousin and I were also the deciding factors that we had Lynch syndrome, since we both had multiple cancers of endometrial and bladder (I also had ovarian) in our 40s. I was tested, and yep we have it.

She is very scared, and my brothers said for me to stay and lend her and her husband/kids support (her brothers and sister are all out of state) with my other female cousin here. Both my cousins helped me -- and thus my brothers -- immensely when I went through treatment, and it's my turn to pay her back.

I have already lost one brother to this disease; I don't want to lose another to it, or any other relatives for that matter.

On top of that, we have been going through many many changes at work, and as a team leader, it is affecting me immensely. It seems that the minute I tell my team a method or decision that affects their work, management changes it. It is very stressful, but you know, after this last few weeks, I have taken the position that I have other "fish to fry," and to just roll with it. Work just isn't that important to get as upset as I have been the last few months.

There's a lot more happening: in February, I had another intestinal obstruction, but thankfully, did not have to be hospitalized for it. I bought a new computer, and am truly enjoying it!!! And, our company, which we knew was being bought, cashed us out of our employee stock options, and I now have all my retirement money in my own IRA -- I can actually retire at 60 (currently 52)!!! I'm so excited about that. You know, even when you have a big ole career -- it turns into just a job after about 45!!!

I haven't written even many responses the last few months, but I always visit every day, especially to keep up with my favorite prolific journalers: news and MoonMab. Keep writing ladies; it helps me stay connected!!!

It's been almost 9 days since I've been home, and for me, a homebody, it seemed like forever (for my cat, Priss -- better known as Boo -- it seemed like forever too; she hasn't left my side since I got home about 9:30 last night!).

Thankfully, we have today off. We have a facility in Rock Island Illinois. My brother lives in Bettendorf Iowa. That area (Moline and Rock Island IL and Bettendorf and Davenport Iowa) is known as the Quad Cities, and they are small (in comparison to the Detroit area) and make up what would be 4 of our small suburbs.

It's my first trip there for work, since we had a week long training class planned, and I had to teach one of the days. The training went okay.

The best news though is I didn't have to fly and I spent about 3 extra days with my brother. The facility is about 450 miles from where I live, and since we needed to bring training materiels with us, I was able to rent a car. I had two very lovely days (on the way there and on the way back) to drive. No rain, sunny, warm, but not too warm. While the colors in lower Michigan haven't quite turned yet, the colors in Indiana (which you drive through a part) were absolutely fantastic!!! Fall is my favorite time of year, and I truly enjoyed the drive (even though there was a lot of construction on the way back -- making a 7 hour drive into 9 hours! -- I couldn't even complain though -- it was just too pretty).

I could truly live in the Quad Cities area -- busy enough to have things to do but no traffic whatsoever!!!

I got there a week ago Saturday, and spent Sunday with my brother and his wife, who have a fantastic house. I really like his wife, but she doesn't travel very much (he travels way too often for his job), so I don't often get to see her.

I picked the guys up at the airport on Sunday evening, and went to the motel. All week was pretty intense with the training, but I was able to drop the guys off at the airport on Friday about 2:30, and then went to my brothers and stayed till Sunday morning.

We went to the casino, and out to dinner, and to the movies. Oh, and Saturday, my sister-in-law and I went to a lovely town called LeClaire (home of Buffalo Bill). They have some fantastic shops there, very individualistic. There is this one shop my niece (who teaches in Boston) loves and we went there -- I think it's called the Art Shop -- very neat things (I spent about $100 -- celebrating my raise!!). I bought this really neat glass teapot, with a glass cup and saucer that sit underneath it and teas, a hemp t-shirt, and glass nail file. It was great!!!

Today, I'm catching up on laundry, paying bills, hugging the cat, doing my expense account, and just reveling being home!!! Since I have two new employees starting tomorrow, I know already it's going to be a busy week, so I am just enjoying myself today and catching up on the site here and my email.

The one thing I don't want to do is go out and eat!! I can't wait to just cook a meal at home (when you travel like that and eat out for 9 days, cooking and sitting at your kitchen table looks pretty good!!!).

I'll write more later...but need to do some things today!!!

Well, I could be depressed about having such a lousy, rainy day, but then I see the news about Texas, and thank god I'm in Michigan!!!

Where to start on my update...The Fox News focus group I was in....being buried in work...being behind in my mystery writing class...needing to clean house.....

On Monday night, I was one of 25 people in my county selected for a Focus Group on the election. They paid us $100 each to listen to parts of the Dem/Rep candidate speeches and use a monitor to rate our reaction. The moderator would then ask us questions about the issues or candidate. We also rated the positive and negative impact commercials.

Very interesting. First, I consider myself a moderate with Democrat leaning. Most people were either that or moderates leaning towards Republican.

Everyone had intelligent views and could state them well. I am not a fan of Fox News, really don't like Bill O'Reilly, and obvious to everyone that the moderator did his best to slant his intros to the conservative -- and everyone, Dems and Republicans alike -- called him on it. It was really interesting and I went for the experience.

I am still buried in work...I have a five-day training class to prepare for with our training manager, and I am just swamped with chart making and structuring the class...Cannot wait to have this finished.

This afternoon though I am concentrating on catching up on my on-line mystery writing class from the local college. I have let myself slip behind and cannot do that.

Oh, and before the weekend is out, I have to do my end of my performance appraisal (a task I detest) too...geesh.

I am swamped!! And here I sit, trying to get motivated...

I've been communicating this morning with a woman on this site who lives in my area and was just diagnosed with endometrial cancer. It's what this site does best...I have found no other support to be quite as important to me as hystersister was and has been through my treatment and my life. Hopefully, I can give her some support.

Well have a good, if not wet, Saturday...Texas, we're thinking of you!!!

I'm not sure about other states, but beginning in mid-August all the way through October, it's festival time in Michigan. It seems every weekend, between the Renaissance Festival and the State Fair and Apple Orchard festivals/events, and all the little city fairs, it's just one big fair after another!!

Well, Saturday, we trekked to the Renaissance Festival. Michigan has one of the largest in the country, and they've added some new things this year. Those of you who have never been to a Renaissance Festival, it is really a treat. Many, not all, attendees as well as workers, dress up as knights, fairies, pirates, "loose" women, and hoop skirts, ornate dresses, tights on men, and armor abound!!! The workers "talk the talk" of the renaissance times so the atmosphere is incredible.

There are booths and more booths (with things like renaissance garb, leather belts, purses, etc., incense and home made soaps, jewelry, pottery, etc.), real jousting, old-fashioned games for the kids, and little shows (juggling, fire-eating, etc.) reminiscent of the period. Oh and the food and drink -- turkey legs, and scotch eggs, soup in a bread bowel, mead and dark beer, various wines, along with some more modern fare (but not too much) such as chicken sandwiches, smoothies, and polish sausages. You really must get the turkey leg though!!!

It is great fun and we lucked out with the weather this year. Usually it's always hot when we (my brother, cousin and I) go, but the weather Saturday was in the mid to upper -70s and somewhat cloudy, so it didn't really get hot until the time we left about 5:30. We had debated about whether to go Saturday or Sunday. Well, we woke up Sunday to pouring rain!!! Since most of the walking paths are simply dirt at the fair, it can get awfully messy when the rain stops (as it did about 10 am). We really picked the right day when we chose Saturday!!

Went mall walking with my brother this morning since it was raining. The malls around here open about 2 hours before the stores open inside so walkers can use it. I did about 2 miles, and then we stopped at Panera Bread for a bagel and coffee ...yum! Then we made a run to Costco and picked up a few things (I'm very picky at Costco and Sam's -- some of the deals, especially on paper products -- aren't that good of a deal, but others you can't beat).

Anyway, I have work for the job to do tonite and am just stalling. One of the down sides of my job is I sometimes have to work on strict deadline, causing me to work a Sunday or late at night. This is one of those time. I'm preparing training that we will give at our Illinois facility in early October....and we have a lot to do until then. The good news is that I will be on this trip, and since my oldest brother lives about 10 minutes away from the facility, I'll be able to spend time with my sister-in-law and him (their two kids are grown and live in Boston and San Diego).

So I better get to it......growlllll, I hate working on the weekends and next week is going to be a lot of late nights.

However, I will write again. I signed up for a survey place that periodically has me come for focus groups for various things, from products to political opinions. I made the cut for a survey -- actually a live focus group on TV tomorrow nite -- on the presidential election. Very excited. Will let u guys know about it....Now, I really have to work!!!!

The Arts, Beats and Eats festival was incredible!! It was much better -- and cheaper -- than our State Fair (except for the lack of animals) and our Renaissance Festival, although I will still probably go to that this year.

The Arts, Beats and Eats yesterday featured 4 stages with musicians ranging from Country, to R&B, to Rock and Roll. Some of the vendor stands also had musicians. In fact I bought two CDs from one that had an incredible jazz voice. She said that her and her husband only sell through the internet and the fairs, and people were standing in line with their money to buy their CDs. The other musician was a blind guitarist that was very rhythm and bluesy...I really liked him but was trying to watch my budget.

The food was much better and a larger variety than the other two fairs. AND, the restaurants and bars were open and I got to see one of my favorite acts, "Dueling Pianos." They are guys that work exclusively at this one bar, back to back pianos and a drummer. They get the crowd going in sing-alongs that include good old time rock n roll. We stopped in and listened, and had a couple beers.

It was great. Very relaxing day. They had chartered buses from one of the stadiums nearby so you didn't have to fight traffic on top of it.

Today, I'm just going to an impromptu barbeque at my brother's and relaxing ...although I did get caught up on my mystery writing class and take a 4 mile bike ride. In Michigan, beginning in September, we all try to fit in as much outdoor activity as we can until October end, since then the weather turns and you're stuck in the house for 4-5 months (unless you like to ski, skate or you are just a plain ole masochist!! ) Can you tell how much I hate dealing with the winter weather??? Oh well, we do appreciate our other seasons better for it!!!

Just wanted to pop in with an update...Hope you are all having a good weekend.

Just got in from a morning bike ride...it is so much fun to get out there...even if I can only ride for about 20 minutes!!

I bought the bike about a month and a half ago, but haven't been able to ride for the last two weeks due to a knee problem. I fell on the cement in mid-June (dang cracks in the sidewalk) and broke my "bursa" -- sounds obscene. The bursa is the sack of fluid that surrounds your kneecap. It took a long time to heal -- doc said that's normal -- but by the time I bought the bike, I just had some numbness and a bump. I was able to ride 4 times a week without a problem.

Well about two weeks ago, the cat -- Miss Priss (or "fatty catty" as my brother calls her; i just call her "boo boo&quot -- got sick and took to hiding under the bed. I knelt on the knee twice to see under the bed and make sure she just had a bug or really large hairball and she would do okay. The dang bursa re-ruptured, and I was back to limping along with big red bruises all over the knee!!!

They sent me for an MRI on Wednesday. I still can't kneel on it, but I can do everything else. So yesterday, he gave the okay for me to ride again and not overdo it (Like my little 15-minute rides are overdoing it!)

Anyway, on to other things, I've taken two of my classes in the mystery writing on-line course and just love it!! I have to take two more this weekend and am really looking forward to starting my assignments this week. I've learned quite a bit already about story structure and arcs. This week's assignments actually involve coming up with a theme and outline!!

Work has been very busy, and next week, when I return from the holiday, even busier...but I like it when it's busy. I get so much more done when I don't have time to procrastinate!!

Well off to the shower...My brother, cousin and I are going to Michigan's Arts, Beats and Eats festival nearby -- it's just a once-a-year festival that one of the town's have, but they do it very well with good music, food and events!!!!

For all -- have a good weekend, and for all my U.S. sisters, have a good Labor Day holiday on Monday!!!

First, thank you MoonMab and News, for your notes of sympathy on my best friend's sudden death...much appreciated...you are two of the best here, and I so look forward to your entries.

I am still reeling from Linda's death, but slowly am coming to terms with it. I don't understand still, but I realize that God has a time for us to go home -- and it was Linda's time. I just have difficulty with the fact, that after 3 years and 3 cancers, I am still here and she was gone in an instant. Life is truly precious.

When I was at her home in the country that weekend before her death, we had this huge yard sale. As people from the community came and looked and visited, I met some real characters -- as many small towns have. Linda kept saying to me, after one or the other left, "Well, there's a character for your book!! Gonna have to include that one!" She knew that one of my dreams was to write a mystery novel.

Well, call it divine intervention or whatever, I decided to jump-start the mystery writing goal with an on-line class. I have had two classes this week, and both were amazing. I am holding off creating an outline and story line (per the instructor's suggestion, since that's one of the things we will be doing in class), but am anxious to start. And yess, Linda and her friends and events around us will be part of the novel (fictionalized of course!).

I've worked for many years professionally as a writer -- first as a reporter for weekly and daily newspapers, then in public relations for a local hospital, and then for the last 20 years, as a technical writer for the automotive and government sector. I've always had in the back of my mind that I would like to try writing a mystery novel. But, as most professional writers will tell you, having success in one or more types of writing does not always guarantee a good novelist. Writing a book is a much different endeavor than writing news stories, press releases, and technical manuals and procedures. But, I'm going to give it a try finally -- I figure at 51 years of age, I better do it now!!!

The class online also offers a Discussion area where the students and instructor can converse, and I'm really enjoying that aspect too, since many attending the class have the same goal as I do.

Wish me luck as I set out to meet another goal.

It has taken me almost a week to even attempt to write this down...

My best friend is dead, victim of a freak accident. She was 55, and we had been friends for 15 years. She died two days before her 56 birthday.

I mentioned in my last post how I was going a week ago Thursday up to her place in the country for her big yard sale/girl's weekend. And I did...we all (about 10 people at one point) had a wonderful time...a weekend filled with good weather (even the thunderstorm Friday night was a "good" storm), talk, and laughter, lots of laughter. She was so excited. Linda had been on SSI and having a tough time financially. She made $800 at the sale, enough to get her porch steps fixed, pay her kids back for helping fix her vehicle, and put a little towards bills.

I'm not a "country" person, although I like the outdoors, and I don't usually stay more than overnight at her place. But this time, I stayed from 5 pm on Thursday till 6 pm on Sunday. I even told her, "Now I know why you moved up here!!" before I left (because she had been such a city girl to the point when she bought the house 10 years ago).

I gave her a hug before I left, told her I would call on her birthday...At midnite, one of her friends from up there called and told me she had died. I couldn't believe it. About 9:30 pm she had gone down to the corner store to take the yard sale signs down. They said she had gotten out of her 97 Town and Country minivan, thinking it was in park-- it was in, or got jostled in reverse, as she was loading the signs, and the car ran over her. We have found since that Chrysler did not put an interlock system on their vans between 95 and 2000, even though the technology was available, and many "park to reverse" deaths have been recorded. Her children are pursuing it.

Yesterday was her funeral. I can't believe I even typed that. When I was ill, Linda took me to the hospital once and sat with me until 4 in the morning, when they could get a bed for me. She came down three times to clean my house from top to bottom when I was on chemo, because I told her that I could find people to get prescriptions, take me to chemo, bring me food, but no one seemed to know how to vacuum!!! She was supposed to go to my funeral.

I went to the funeral home both nights and the funeral...her sons and daughters thanked me for the help and information I gave them about her wishes.

Linda and I did not always agree. She was the kind of friend that you could always agree to disagree with and know on the important things, you would always be there for each other. We used to call each other on the weekends, just to touch base!!! Who will I call now???

So many memories. I feel so cheated....My heart is broken.

Well, it was just one of those weekends where everything came together...I had fun and was productive.

First, I managed to ride my new bike every day of the weekend. Early morning riding -- with its lack of kids and cars in my neighborhood -- is the best for me.

Then, I managed to clean the whole house yesterday -- the first time since my first operation three years ago and since finishing treatment two years ago that I've been able to do that all in one day!!! Ever since that time, if I did the bathrooms and bedroom, I couldn't do the rest the same day. The kitchen I had to do a day by itself. And we're only talking 1300 square feet here!! My energy had increased so work didn't bother me (every once in a while on a busy day, I'd feel it), but if I had a day of fun planned for the weekend, forget about any cleaning!! And if I cleaned, forget about any fun.

In the last month or so, I found my energy level increasing though, and the doctor confirmed that sometimes it takes that long to feel like you used to...and the extra 20 lbs haven't helped...!!!!

Anyway along with cleaning, I also managed to clear some cupboards of things to ready for the yard sale next week!

Then I stopped by my brother's new co-op and took a swim in his pool today -- great pool!!! And then went grocery shopping.

So very productive weekend. Plan is to clean out my linen closet tomorrow night and price everything tomorrow and Tuesday nite. Then pack it up Wednesday nite. Thursday, I leave work about 12:00, and stop in for my blood test (my oncology checkup is the week after) and then head up north to my friend's house where we are having the yard sale Friday-Sunday. Return home Sunday.

Whew!!! But good to be active again...now if that pesky old work wouldn't get in the way of life

Have a good week ladies.

Yes, once again it's been a long time, and I have to take a breath and see where I've been and where I'm going.

First, tonite, I threw caution to the wind, and met one of my goals since being declared in the clear in July of 06 -- I bought me a bicycle!!! I used to love riding as a kid, but am ashamed to admit I hadn't been on a regular bike (stationary does not count) since I left college at 21!!!

Now 51, I have to do something, so I took my brother (an avid rider) and my cousin (a regular rider) tonite to the bike store and bought me a bike. It set me back a pretty penny...probably all of the small bonus I'll get this year, but since they already told us the bonuses would be small, and I have been saving diligently...and I'm not going on any big vacation... I said, let's do it.

I took it for a long ride (okay long for me) when we got it home, and felt just like a kid again ...a kid with a "souped up" bike (when did we start getting so may gears/bike type choices??), but a kid. Tomorrow morning, 15 minutes on it and a slow buildup till I hit 40 minutes three times a week.

Let's see...what else is new. Oh yea, had my bladder cancer exam Wednesday. Doctor said all looks good, and since it hasn't reoccurred for almost 3 years, I have a very very good chance of never seeing a recurrence!!! Aug 6 I see my gynie/oncologist for another checkup for the ovarian/endometrial cancer, but I feel good.

Next week, I'm visiting a friend up north in Michigan (not too far up north -- but what do you say, "up middle?" ) Our weather has been beautiful this summer, a little rainy, but no days over 90, and just some beautiful summer days. Michigan, except for the economy which sucks earlier and longer than most of the rest of the country, is really a beautiful state to live in, yes even with the winters.

This friend I'm visiting is a "yard sale expert," and since I wanted to clear out my junk in my place for a long time, I've been busy working on getting things ready for her once-a-year, mega-sale -- people come from neighboring towns up there when they hear Linda is giving a sale, that's how good she is at it. She's had some rough financial times the last few years, and she generally makes about $800 with her stuff -- enough to pay her heating oil costs for the winter. She's graciously allowing me and a couple of her friends up there a chance to join the sale.

We're going to definitely have a "girls weekend," at night, we are planning facials, etc.

Work is going pretty good. Been told I'm being readied for management -- I have what's called a task lead position. I have a team of people I'm in charge of, and distribute work loads, perform appraisals, counsel/coach/train, etc. I think I'm doing okay, but this management stuff...I'll tell you...it's harder than it looks. Told my boss, I feel like I'm running a high school...she said: "welcome to management!" However, the work has gotten more interesting and more frustrating over time, but we are finally making progress.

Still have some down days over things...my life, my body, my friends...aren't the same as before my diagnosis, but I've gained so much in return...now if I could only just get the old body back (it wasn't that great -- but it was better than it is now!!). ahhh well...

Hope everyone is well...I do come in here daily and love to hear about your lives.

since i wrote, although I keep up daily on everyone's journal. Having no sisters growing up, I find myself now having a whole bunch of them on this board and I truly enjoy it.

Got through the holidays. With so many of my family gone now, I just kind of get through them. We have no more little kids in the family so I just try to get through, although I do still so enjoy the decorations and music and having a few days off work.

Been in the "winter doldrums" lately, and surrounded by needy people -- employees who need rides to work, employees with problems, family seeking advice and direction. Sometimes, I just want to pull the covers over my head.

A little depressed this week (Friday was the birthday of my brother who passed away about a year and a half ago)...so understandable. Today, my cousin, brother and I decided to throw caution to the wind, and will leave at noon, ignoring the cold weather, snow, slush, etc, and visit a nearby casino...something I do and can only afford about once a year!! But I sorely need a little fun!! Cha-ching. I am going to use the "profit" of $70 from my tax return. Am getting much more than that, but I might as well sign the check over to the dentist and medical center -- the dentist for the caps he has to put on (thankfully, I'll be done with that Feb 27th) and the medical center for my deductible for taking my port out in August...AHHH, life goes on.

I did get my mammogram and colonoscopy at the end of Dec/early Jan. Everything all clear!!! Or as my brother said, "a perfect a**hole!!!" (We can joke about it since he has had colon cancer twice and a colostomy for 17 years).

Anyway, after sitting on my afore-mentioned butt last week doing nothing, I decided to make plans this weekend and force myself out of the house!!

Good weekend to all of you...News, you know I'm thinking of you especially as you grieve for your sister...I hope I've been helpful and a shoulder to weep on through these last awful months...Know that we are all with you, and our arms are open for you and hugging you.

Well, it's been awhile since I've wrote. Been very busy, and have been keeping up with hystersisters.

Today, we had over 6 inches of snow in "lower" Michigan. We are a state divided by the Lower and Upper Peninusula. Then, there's the lower Lower Peninsula and the upper part of the Lower Peninsula...Just think of a Mitten with a hinge on top and that's the shape of Michigan.

My brother drove 10 miles this morning in it to help me "dig out." Then we went a few miles with our shovels to my cousin's place and helped him dig out. My cousin had a heart attack last March and we were worried he would try to do too much, so we all dug out and went to a quick lunch.

I'm probably going to have to dig out one more time since we also have a lot of blowing snow and expecting to get more to fall before this is over about 3 am. It's the first big snowfall of the season, so everybody's very diligent about their drives and walks. Along about March, though, people dig out just only as much as it takes to get their car in and out -- we get so tired of it!!

I just had my cancer checkup -- ALL CLEAR again... However, he did chastise me about being overdue for my mammogram and colonoscopy...I made the appointment for the mamo before leaving the building and just requested, on-line, an appointment with the gastro guy for my colonoscopy. Hopefully I'll get that done in January.

In late October, I went back to Alabama on business for a week. Work is going well.

Everything is doing good over here...and now I'm going to enjoy a lazy Sunday afternoon (at least until this evening, when I'll have to go dig out my driveway again!).

Well, it's been an eventful few weeks since I last wrote.

First, I got my mediport out on Aug. 30th, signalling an end to almost two years of surgeries, chemo and radiation. I'll tell you, I really looked forward to it. Minimal pain, except they had to stick me four times to get the "happy juice," (mild sedative) in. I have bad veins (hence the reason for the mediport). After the third time, the nurse said, "I can call the doctor and ask for two valiums." I told her, "Hey, only reason I'm here is for the happy juice. Otherwise, I'd just keep the port in, get it flushed...try once more." Thankfully she got it , and within 20 minutes it was all over.

Been very busy at work...but it's been fun (most of the time). I am learning so much in this position. I was made a supervisor this summer. I am over 4 people in a rather large team. Yesterday, my boss told me that everyone had been commenting on how hard I've worked...he and my supervisor sent me a "little something" in appreciation through the mail, so expect it in the next few days!!! They are very good to me.

Those of you who have been keeping up know that I, along with several others, were in danger of losing our jobs in September last year (4 months after I finished chemo and only a month or so after my first "Dancing with NED" checkup). We had lost a big contract, another one wasn't due for another few months, but our bosses, who earn their bonuses on how much they can keep overhead costs to a minimum, kept all of us on overhead for several months, in particular me, who would have lost her health insurance. We did have to take a pay cut, but since then they have given me a bonus, again for going above and beyond on this new contract.

Well, things as expected, have turned around. Along with this big contract we are on, I found out that we won another one yesterday.

I'll tell you, I've been working almost 30 years now (am 50) and I can hands-down say this is the best company I've ever worked for -- they don't just talk the old "people are our best resource," line, they know it and show it. Hard to find these days, particularly where the economy has tanked in the last five years (the rest of the country is just catching up to where Michigan has been the last several years). It really is bad here.

Anyway, the project has me very busy, but I've made time to enjoy the last part of summer and early fall (my favorite time). Went to the Renaissance Festival last weekend and had a ball.

I'm due for another business trip to Alabama in October, and things are going well. HAPPY FALL TO EVERYONE!!! I do so like it.

Just returned from the doctor's for my checkup. CANCER FREE and "Dancing with Ned." Woo hooo!!!!!

Getting my mediport out on August 30th, I am so excited!!!

It's like a bad, horrible dream is coming to an end.

Well, here I go again...anxious and worried about my upcoming doctor visit on Wednesday. It will be my official "one year" exam, and I plan on continuing the "Dance with NED (No Evidence of Disease)", but I still have a rough time of things.

About two weeks before the appointment, I stop making plans. Right before I got diagnosed two years ago with bladder, endometrial and ovarian cancer, I had planned out a whole summer, buying concert tickets and reserving campsites. Had to cancel everything, so now, I'm just leery and apprehensive when my exam check-ups roll around. I know this "cancerhead" is normal, but it still affects my life tremendously.

My boss even offered me a "perk" business trip for the week of the 14th, but I asked him if he could wait for an answer until Thursday!!! My brother lives in Iowa, and we have a site just 5 minutes across the bridge from him in Illinois. My boss knows that, and said I could go along and help do the training, if I wanted to, more as a perk than anything since he is quite capable of doing it himself. I felt like an idiot asking him to wait for an answer, but he understood.

Right now, after my CT scan and bloodwork on Friday, my arm looks like I got beat up...they always have trouble getting blood out of me, and sure enough, blew a couple veins. I'm used to it, but it still hurts!!!

Now I just wait until Wednesday. Thankfully, I have been very busy at work, so that will keep my mind occupied at least. And my brother has his yearly oncology appointment on Monday...In my family, someone is always seeing an oncologist!!! ( You have to keep a sense of humor about these things; otherwise, you'll just put the covers over your head and not get out of bed for fear of what the day may bring!!!).

News, I have a friend who's sister is dying of ovarian cancer, truly only a few weeks away. She leans on me to vent (and am happy to be there for her) since I've been through losing a sibling. I have been thinking of you and your family often because of this. We are all thinking of you; I know how difficult this is for you.

MoonMab, I love your posts, and I understand the gardening woes. Have had my share of them, but soon, you will have a good garden...it just takes a couple seasons to get it together in a new place.

Will post again soon and update you on my doctor visit.

Well, passed my one-year "all cancer-free" anniversary on the 5th.

And, I had my first vacation in a year, since returning back to work full-time in June 06, this week. Since last June, I've had only one day off that didn't involve a doctor visit, so I really needed this week off. Went camping for three days, and relaxing the rest of the time. Yesterday, went to Ann Arbor with my cousin, went to this great retro 60s store (so glad gauze shirts are coming back) , and then we headed to the new Michigan IKEA store. My first time there...what an experience. We left home at Noon and returned at almost 9 pm!!!

Today I'm just taking it easy before returning to work tomorrow. The icing on the cake with the vacation was payday on Friday...this pay period, getting ready to leave for a week, I worked 12 hours overtime. While being salaried, we don't get time and a half, we do get paid straight time, so I had a big fat deposit waiting for me when I returned from camping,,, the OT paid for the campsite (which was a little higher priced than usual since it was a private, not state, park), my camping toys (new air mattress, grate for the fire), and all the food and gas. Woo hooo!!! And I seem to be intent on spending the rest of it before Monday, since it's so hot here, I'm going shopping this afternoon!!!! Ahhh, MoonMab, shopping is a beautiful hobby~~~

For the first time in 5 and 1/2 years, I am not dreading returning to work after vacation, but looking forward to it. I've been fortunate to be put on this new project. The team is great, I now have two assistants, and the work is interesting.

Hope everyone is well today....now, off to shopping!!!!!!

I just can't believe it's Monday again!!! Where did the time go????

FRIDAY: Went to the bar and raised a glass to a team member who was leaving for another job. I will really miss this guy...he was always so helpful to me. Sometimes, these going away events are awkward, but this one was very pleasant. With all the changes in my job this year, the one thing I have enjoyed is that everyone on the team really likes and respects each other. Oh, we have our little tiffs and personality clashes, but it's just so much nicer to come to work with this team, than the one I had for five years. At any rate, I didn't get home until almost 8 pm and then didn't feel like doing anything.

SATURDAY: Got up, did wash, went to bank (cash my bonus check!!! woo-hoo!!!!), went to grocery stores, bought an ice cream cake, dropped groceries off, took shower, wrapped present/got cake, stopped for a car wash, celebrated my cousin's birthday, and got home at 8!!!

Nice surprise though: When I got home, my neighbor, who just got a new lawn mower had cut and edged my front lawn!!!

SUNDAY: I started at 8:30 with my outdoor work. Weeded the garden, cleared the weeds out of the sidewalk cracks and driveway cracks (I'm allergic to the pesticide sprays for it), cut the rest of the lawn. My brother came by, we weeded the back and he cleaned up the grass on my sidewalks. We didn't finish until 4:30!!! By then, so sore, couldn't do anything but take a shower, cook dinner, and read/watch tv. BOY, am I sore today!!!

It was a fun weekend, but once again, very little time to just relax by myself. And now, it's time to start the rat race again, so I better get ready for work!!!

Well, it's taken awhile, but I'm beginning to feel like my old self. I have to remind myself where I was at last year at this time: watching my brother's last days, and trying to get through my last two chemos.

I miss him so much, but I am finally coming through that lethargic, depressed feeling. I have a lot to be grateful for.

I haven't written in a while because work has been extremely busy...I've kind of "jumped out of the box" on a project, trying to decipher how to do a new database and make it easy for the users to understand. Unfortunately, there was not much documentation from the developers and this is a new part of the system, so I've felt out of my league, without much help, and trying very hard to get the system to spit out the info we need in the format we need.

All of that while losing $500 a month in pay (basically all the raises I earned over the last 5 years). Those of you who have been keeping up with me, know that we lost a big contract, I was put back in the office, and yes, had to take a pay cut to keep my job and insurances. My company though could have cut me loose and didn't, but took a hit just keeping me in the office on overhead until this new project opened up.

However, over the past few weeks, I felt that they were really taking advantage of me, my without having training or a background in database development, trying to get this to work. WELLL....yesterday they called me into a meeting, gave me a bouquet of flowers and nice hefty bonus check!!!!! Now I feel like such a *itch!!!! I really have been ranting and raving, telling them I can't make the system (which has definite programming problems) work, I can't do this, they're expecting too much....

I'm grateful, but feel a little sheepish now!!!

Anyhoo, I've manage to get a few things done on the house, nothing much, but at least I"m making some headway. My cousin had triple bypass surgery a month ago. He is alone, and was such a big help during the last year, my other brother and I have been trying to help him out while he can't drive. So on top of working overtime, I've had very little time to myself as we help him out...not having time to myself always makes me crazy!!!

I had my cancer checkups in between all this...Everything is good!!! In fact, I have now moved from every three month checkups to every four months with the oncologist and every six months with the urologist!!!! And my shoulder (ended up with a "frozen shoulder" after all the chemo, surgery and radiation), has improved immensely. No more physical therapy. Still have a few problems with strength in that arm, but definitely about 85% better, and improving every day. PROGRESSS!!!!!!

Well it's Saturday, and I have to get my clothes into the dryer. Just thought I'd update everyone.

Been a bit since I wrote last, although I have been keeping up and writing some discussion in other's journals and on the cancer message board.

I'm just feeling a bit blah lately...nothing too much exciting. The physical therapy on my shoulder is working well, but still can't get my arm above my shoulder. It's much much better though. Just have to keep plugging away at it.

Work is okay; we are very busy which is how I like it. But, I am feeling the pinch from the paycut.

Today, I'm going to a christening party for my brothers grandchild, the one he waited for to be born before he died in May. I'm looking forward to seeing the baby, but not really looking forward to socializing.

My main problem lately is that I don't feel like socializing with anyone. I just want to hide lately. I have a lot to be happy and grateful for, my life for one, but I just don't seem to want to make the effort to be with people. This has been going on for several months, and very unlike me.

I have this urge to "jump start" my life lately, to get out of my rut, but I just don't seem to know how to do it. Oh well, I keep waiting for something to help me do it, but nothing is popping up, so I guess I'm just going to have to force myself to "kick-a**!!! AHHHH....well that's all for today. Thanks for listening to my whines and moans....

Well we didn't get MoonMab's windy night, what we got was ice falling...and falling...and falling.

I ventured out this morn for my newspaper (a trip off the porch and down the steps) and I think that is going to be as far as I go for several hours at least, if not all day. Everything is a sheet of ice. And the car, well when it gets like this, it's useless to attempt to go out because the locks and doors freeze tight -- even if i could get to the car. I swear, all I want when I buy a little condo, is a garage and a basement, and the basement is optional!!

Since I brought home a lot of work from the office, I think I will just take a shower, and get down to getting caught up. It's a good day for it.

Well, I wasn't much of a believer in physical therapy, but I've only had two appointments for my poor, impinged, encapsulated, frozen shoulder (I'm thinking of naming it), and things seem to be working better.

I can already raise my arm a little higher, although not all the way. I still have lot of pain but it's loosening up.

My PT said, "Between all the laying on the radiation table with your arms up, and being slapped onto operating room tables, and then trying hard to get into things again with water aerobics and yoga, your shoulder is pretty angry at you!!!" But, you know, it's amazing with these simple exercises they've worked out how much simple movement can help (it can be painful, but it does help). Friday is my next appointment, and I really think I will need only the month of therapy my doctor has prescribed. The PT said there still might be a small tear in the shoulder, but we need to get the swelling down. So, I'm trying to work hard at it but not overdo. No need to have a really really angry shoulder!!

Lately, things have been going ok, not amazing or great, but okay. And you know, after the last year and a half, okay is not bad.

Things have gotten a little tight financially, but I'm still able to make it. I have a huge tax bill looming, since my disability was untaxed and I ended up having to be on it longer than I thought I would. But that is life and I will make it through.

Just wanted to check in ladies. I am still very worried about our friend News. She's gone about 12 days without journaling and since I've been on this site for almost two years, she has never gone this long. I do worry about my sisters that are regulars when we don't hear from them for a long period.

I hope all of you are doing okay. Going to watch Jericho now; I've turned into a real fan.

Thought I'd use the journal to get motivated today (since it's almost noon and I've been surfing the net, playing scrabble on line, and read the paper). ..Haven't done what I need to do though!!

Yesterday, I went to go see "Music and Lyrics" the new Hugh Grant/Drew Barrymore. While it started slow, it was a really pleasant romantic comedy and said a lot about the music industry too!!! I really enjoyed it. There was some good dialogue, etc. about writing also.

Anway, I thought I'd write down what I had to do today so I could get going. Let's see:

Wash clothes

Write a friend's resume

Clean the WHOLE house which is a wreck

Do my physical therapy exercises (one of which I can incorporate into my dusting duties, yuk!).

Ok, here I goooo....grrrr. Have a good day ladies.

I tend to worry about sisters who write regularly and then we don't hear from them. "News" usually writes every couple days at least, and we haven't heard from her for several -- I know she's going through some health issues right now. "News," if you are taking a break but browsing, just write a short note so we know you are okay.

Well I finally got my first physical therapy appointment for my shoulder.

To back up,shortly after getting my "all clear and dancing with NED" okay in July from my urologist (bladder cancer) and gyne/oncologist (endometrial/ovarian cancer with surgery , radiation and chemo), I went to water aerobics. I noticed that I couldn't do the weights under my left arm real well, which surprised me, because, well, for a "round chick" and except for the cancer, I was always pretty healthy and limber. But, I just chalked the pain up to recovery.

Then I took a yoga class in October. Went to two classes, and had so much pain had to quit...well, I just thought, I'm pushing things too fast.

The pain progressed until after Christmas I couldn't lift my arm over my head, or behind my back. If I extended it too far, I got pain that would bring me to tears. Getting into my bra in the morning was taking longer and longer.

So, with a horrible case of "cancerhead" I went to the doctor in mid-January. After xrays, doc says, "IT'S NOT CANCER. you have shoulder impingement" So off to the MRI machine I go, which confirms. They set me up with physical therapy.

Today, they took measurements and ran some physical tests. When the male therapist asked me to raise my arm over my head, I said, "I can't -- that's why I'm here!" One of the guys at work said I should have added, "...But I can raise my foot to your groin!!!" Actually the therapist was pretty nice and he told me, "Not only do you have impingement, but trying to protect yourself from the pain, you now have a frozen shoulder." Whoopppe... all that healthy exercise (water aerobics and yoga), not cancer, is going to kill me!!!

Anyway, he gave me some simple exercises to do at home, said it will take a couple months, but he promised that we could fix it. 2 times a week at 6:30 in the morning at the PT place...oh joy.

I just have to remember that last year at this time, I was bald, on my third round of chemo, and very very scared I would not see my next birthday. I can take a little shoulder pain.

Well, didn't make it in to work today. I paced myself yesterday, but i guess not well enough. Woke up and felt lousy. And, these antibiotics are really knocking me for a loop.

Slept most the afternoon and at least feel well enough to take a shower in a few minutes. Throat sore, voice hoarse, but hanging in there.

I should be okay to at least go in tomorrow. Am frustrated though. The last three years: every bit of my sick time and vacation time has been used for being sick (we get very little sick time -- only 4 days a year, no matter how long you've worked there). But I was so sick, I had to use the vacation time for illness. My goal this year is to have a few vacation days to vacation, not go to a doctor, be sick, or recover from being sick.

Also, I have had a recurring problem with my shoulder since October. Doctor calls it shoulder impingement, and I have to wear lidocain patches. He says between being on radiation tables, operating tables, and then yoga, I really messed up my shoulder. Can't lift it over my head, and painful to move my arm behind.

Anyway, enough of my troubles. I'm on the mend, that's what is important. And I have to remember two things: this is "normal people" sick, not "cancer people" sick, and last year at this time, I was dehydryated, nauseated, bald and having my third chemo treatment. Compared to that, this "creeping crud" virus is a breeze.

On to the shower.....

Well I stayed on the couch all day yesterday, did absolutely nothing but read and watch tv and take the antibiotic, but it seemed to do it. I feel much better today and took my first shower in two days. The cat was starting to turn up her little nose and sniff the air when she was laying on the couch with me so I thought I'd better take that shower!!!.
All right, TMI!

Hopefully, I'll get some things accomplished today, like my wash.

I really do have more energy. Now the trick is to pace myself, remember to take the pills, and make sure I can get to work tomorrow!!!

Thanks for all your kind words, ladies. As news says, you really are the best!!!

Well, like everyone I guess, I have experienced a series of "ups and downs" this last week.

First, Thursday marked my brother's birthday, his first since his death in May. It was a difficult day. Cried on my way to work, and had to hit the bathroom stall a couple times during the day to compose myself during the day. But all in all, I tried to remember the great party we threw him, because we all knew it would be his last, last year. How much he enjoyed having us all there to celebrate. The goofy picture my sisterinlaw took of him, my other brother and me, with no hair!!

Unfortunately, my sister-in-law has a been a walking billboard with how much stress can affect your health, and she has been pretty sick. As many of you know, she has had lymphoma twice, but is, like me, cancer-free. However, she got the shingles in December, finally recovered just a few weeks ago, only to be hit with bronchitis. Thursday, we ended up taking her to the hospital, where they gave her a few shots, and she seems to finally be recovering.

Last Saturday, I stopped by with breakfast for her, and ended up getting the "creeping crud" myself! I went home early from work on Monday, and ended up staying home yesterday. Got lucky and got in to see the doctor. He prescribed some amoximillan for me, and I am recovering although running on slow speed.

Work has been going well though. I am on the project more and more, and learning new things every day, so I really am enjoying it.

My personal life is a little blah right now, probably from lack of energy because I'm sick, but I'm hanging in there.

Going to take it slow the rest of the weekend, and hopefully shake this stupid bug!!!

...since i'm at work. Not feeling so hot today, in more ways than one. First, windchill is at -20 below, so no one is warm!!! Then, when I visited my sister-in-law this weekend, she has bronchitis and stomach virus, I stayed well away from her, but think I am getting the virus. My stomach's been doing flip-flops for two days so I think i am going to try and leave work a little early.

Hopefully, i'll be able to sleep this away, before it turns into a full-blown illness...Haven't been ill really since finishing chemo, and do not look forward to it!!!

Living in Michigan my whole life, I would think I would be used to the sub-freezing temperatures. But, up until the last week, we've had a mild winter. Well, that's no more.

Woke up this morning to -1 degree. BRRRRRRR. Hate it when its this cold. You eat more. You act like a slug. Your heat bill goes sky high (I turn it down at night and snuggle, but this morning have had to jack it up to 74 just to warm the place up so I can take a shower). I don't ski or like winter sports. My big outing today will be starting my car so that it will start tomorrow for work.

Oh and going to breakfast with my brother. We've been trying to get together every weekend and hang together. We don't do anything special, but having lost our other brother last May, we both feel an incredible sense of loss. None of us ever know how much time there is left, and with all of us having had cancer, we are acutely aware of it.

Boy oh boy, I'm going to get inside today after breakfast and stay there. It is just too cold to be out at all.

And, I tell you the stores are stupid around here. Had to go get gloves yesterday (because of course I haven't been able to find any of mine and I must have 10 pair somewhere in the house). And, what do I see? Not a sweater for sale on site. Capris, and spring clothes. How utterly stupid!!! I did find a rack that had gloves and got a good price, but cmon, it's the first week of Feb!!!

Have a good day today ladies. Those of you in the cold climates, stay warm. Our weather here won't get above 15 until Wednesday, so it's hibernation time again, except for when you absolutely have to go somewhere.

It's been a long time since I wrote, but things are definitely looking up.

On the personal front, I got through Christmas okay, even though the loss of my brother was heavy on my mind. This year, it was just a matter of getting through. My other brother and I planned some different things with friends (especially on Christmas Eve when we traditionally spent it with our brother who died in May). My sister-in-law -- his wife -- is doing better. She spent the holidays with her brother in Florida which was a good thing to do for her, not to be in the house with every-minute reminders that her husband was gone. So we all got through. I still miss him terribly though, but I know that will just be a constant.

On the job front: I have held onto my job, am on a new contract, and sometimes, you get your sweet revenge!!! (okay, revenge is sweet, gloating may be a little over the top). As many of you know, my contract, after four and a half years, was cut unexpectedly due to a different contractor moving in. While the customer, the government, wanted to keep me on, they wanted me to take a $15 an hour pay cut, and my company couldn't subcontract me without taking a huge loss. And, on a personal note, I refused. I have over 20 years experience as a technical writer, and expect to get paid for it. It would have been embarrassing to go back at that rate.

My bosses had a new contract starting up, but for a few months I was in limbo because the need for my skills wouldn't be needed until January. I did have to take a small pay cut (basically going back to my starting rate there), and that was difficult, but they knew how badly, because of my cancer history, that I needed to keep my health insurance. They also took a big loss keeping me on, since I was basically "overhead." I answered phones, helped the office manager (learned a lot about contractor rates and pricing), wrote job orders (including the one for my old job!), helped hire people. And learned about the new contract, which involved a subject area I was unfamiliar with.

Well, four months later: bosses called me in the office, told me how much they appreciated my attitude and how much of a help I'd been. I could have come in with a chip on my shoulder, and rightfully earned, but I chose to help whereever I could, whether it was in my job description or not.

The last few weeks, I am "billable" again, an intricate part of the new contract and new team. Things at my old contract site are not doing so well with the new contractor (ahhhh, I feel bad for them -- NOT).

AND, I enjoy coming to work. While I always liked my employers, the contract I was on was filled with miserable people who were very limited. This new contract: intelligent, friendly people, knowledgeable in what they do, and appreciative of my skills. I learn something new every day, and am very happy to go to work.

So, I'm not saying the last few months professionally haven't been some of the worse in my career, but there's a lot to be said for playing fair, working hard, even if its not in your job description, and perserverence. Sometimes, at your lowest, you have to remember that things at times, happen for a reason so that new doors can be opened.

Hope everyone is doing well in this new year. Those of you experiencing troubles, hang in there, things can change.

Hate to get too optimistic here, but I got a call for a referral to an old employer (huge auto company). Would love to go back, and the recruitment firm is very optimistic that I would be an excellent fit for the position. So am keeping my fingers crossed. And toes.

I've worked at various sites there 3 times in the past, all on 6month-1year contract, all ending up lasting at least 4 years, and whenever I left, it was on my own accord for a better position. I would love to go back to business and get away from government work for a while. We'll see. Again, am still sending out resumes. Don't believe in putting all my eggs in one basket, especially with the unemployment rate here in Michigan the worst in the nation.

Keep saying your prayers for me ladies. I think they might be working.

I am trying so hard not to let the impending job loss get me down, but for the first time in my life, I can't shake the depression. My contract, because of my payrate and the new contractor refusing to pay, was not renewed (My company would have lost too much money on the contract if they subcontracted me to the other). So, they are keeping me on at the main office to see if something can be worked out, but as of today, I am on a reduced pay rate. I still keep my benefits, but they don't know how long they can keep me on at the office, even at a lower rate.

Everyone is sympathetic, but they can afford to be -- they are not losing their jobs. I am very scared. While I've had a few bites on my resume and job search, there's really nothing there.

I've had a rough year (cancer, my brother dying, and now this job loss) that I can't seem to pick myself up from it. I can barely do my wash, much less clean house. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.

To top it off: My 50th birthday is just a few weeks away. God, what a way to celebrate.

Sorry to be a downer, but its just the way I feel. Thank God we have the day off today (Columbus Day of all things). I'm not sure I had it in me today to get dressed, and be humiliated in the office.

I'm so tired.

Well , I took my new yoga class Saturday (first time in a year and a half). Boy, this is so different from my old classes, but challenging.

I used to take a yoga class through community education program, but the book was late arriving, so I registered at the local college. This is a Saturday morning, hour-and-a-half hatha yoga class that concentrates on the breathing and positioning a lot more (the other was, now that I think of it, a kind of exercise class with some yoga mixed in).

My instructor saw me wigless, asked if I was in remission, and then told me that when I felt I was straining too much to go into the "child" position (news will know what I'm talking about!!!). I was proud of myself though, I only had to do that "time-out" LOL twice during the session. Not bad for someone out of practice and just in remission by a few months!!! I even did the "dog down" without too much trouble.

Well, on the impending job loss (see note below) nothing too much new. We are still waiting for the new contract and whether the new contractor will pick us up. I finished my resume Sunday, posted it on monster.com, sent a copy to my old project manager at my last company and she already forwarded it on with a recommendation. Tomorrow, I email one of my respected clients that our company works with and send him my resume, as well as contact another old company I worked for. I'm still hoping the new contractor will pick us up because this might be better health-insurance wise, but we won't know that until Friday at the earliest. And Tuesday the 26th is our last day (there are 4 of us).
But the yoga has helped me focus. We will see.

Boy, oh, boy....God you can knock it off anytime now. I'm strong enough, don't need any more trials this year, at least not one right after the other.

First I get diagnosed with cancer in three places, then my brother is also diagnosed, then surgery, chemo, radiation, no hair, and then my brother dies. Now I'm on my way to recovery...and bang, another trial.

My company works as contractors for the government. Well, the government, due to lack of funds, has decided not to renew our option this year. But they are taking our jobs and pushing them into another contractor's proposal (this, by the way,is not unusual). So, a week ago Monday, they called us into the office, gave us our separation letters, and told us we would be out of jobs -- and more important for me, health insurance -- at the end of September.

I have to remember that my company was very good to me this last year. We had excellent insurance, and everyone at my branch office as well as the main office, made sure I got my disability without a hitch. (In turn, I also worked through my chemo, took as little disability as I could rather than, like some, who "milk" the system for minor illnesses, and was available by phone for questions, etc.). I still don't know what I would have done otherwise, but I think I'm about to find out.

BUT...da**, I just don't know what I'm going to do. The new contractor may pick me up, but I won't know that until a few days before I get axed. I have some calls out to old employers and business contacts. COBRA insurance is $350 out of my pocket monthly, while I try to get a new job and wait for insurance, but I have no other option (in the U.S., you can never, as a cancer patient, go with a lapse in insurance, because then, any new insurer does not have to cover your pre-existing condition; they do have to, if you keep continuous coverage). After a year on-and-off disability, my savings are just about dried up. And, unfortunately, everyone in my office is losing their job, so it's not a matter of them "picking me out," so I can't even be angry at them.

Nowadays, it seems that employment at a company for everyone lasts for about 5 years. I've stayed in my field for 28 years, and am well-respected, but have had to start over a couple of times because of "Reduction in Force" or greediness for the bottom line. I'm so tired of this "everything for a profit, ruin employee's lives for a profit" attitude that U.S. employers get away with.

Oh well, I have to go cut my grass and then do resumes...I'm just scared that I won't be able to get insurance (I did move up my cancer checkups to this week so at least I don't have to worry about those bills), and I have to be realistic -- at a few months shy of 50, and with a history of cancer -- its going to be much harder to find a job this time around.

Went home early from work yesterday. Had chills and cold feet (like ice) this weekend, very tired, yeast infection starting...can't help thinking, "is it back, and if so, which one (bladder, endometrial or ovarian)?"

I know this can just be your normal, run-of-the-mill UTI or yeast infection -- at least in my saner moments.

I am a couple of weeks away from my first three-month checkup though, and I can't help letting my imagination run away with me.

I was proactive though. Went home early from work yesterday and saw my regular doctor, who did the old "pee in a cup" request (I have filled many many cups this year and can now pee on command. LOL). She did say there was blood in the urine, but that can be caused by many thing. She took blood also. I should know the results on Thursday or Friday at the latest.

And, then like always, it was the old Cipro prescription and skin cream. Sucks!!! Oh well, I am hoping for something normal like a UTI or yeast infection. I am praying that my blood results come back normal. I hate this, but know I have to get used to this cancerhead stuff and get it under control.

Well, I feel better now for venting.

By the way, has anyone heard from msmonih (monica). She was writing quite often. But the last we heard from her was when she quit her jobs a few months back, and I'm worried about her. Tried to private message her but her mailbox is full? Hope she writes soon.

I'm in a writing mood today (have posted a lot to the cancer concerns board this morning), so I decided I'd write a journal entry.

It has been a rather strange almost two months since the doctor told me I was "Dancing with NED (No Evidence of Disease)." I still have to shake my head when I realize just how horrible this last year was, between having cancer in three places and my brother's death.

I still miss my brother horribly. I still cry almost every day for him. Sometimes, on the way to work, sometimes at work (we worked at the same place, though different buildings; it's difficult when I see things or people there that remind me of him), sometimes when I least expect it.

I am having some difficulties with my sister-in-law. I know my brother took care of almost everything in the household that required "smarts," no offense to her, but she has difficulties with handling business-type matters and some comon-sense stuff, even before he got sick. He asked me, before he got too sick, to help her with the paperwork (insurances, pensions, etc.) she would need when he was gone, and I honored his promise for both of them, even though I was still a little sick from the last chemo. She was grateful. I always thought she had a heart of gold though, but now I'm beginning to wonder.

I try to take into account that she is grieving, that she has her children and brother to help see her through. BUT, it seems that the only time she ever calls me or my other brother (who helped out immensely with both my dying brother and me) is when she needs something. She has not even invited us over since my brother's death. She didn't give us not so much as a picture of my brother, assumed the memorial blanket that the people at my office sent was for her, and barely calls. It's not that we wanted anything other than a memento of him, but I don't even know what she is thinking anymore. I know she's taken some much needed vacations (she really needed them), and I try not to feel neglected or slighted, but I do.

We have tried. My brother and I both called her, until we felt that we were annoying her. We even did get together (my doing) for breakfast one day. And again, no reciprocating action at all. Maybe she didn't like us as much as she pretended? Who knows.

But, you know, the one thing I learned this year is that people will do what people will do, and you can't change how they act, only your reaction to their actions/words. So I am always very pleasant with her and try to be understanding when I talk to her, but I'm not expecting much anymore in return.

And, it does make me feel that okay, maybe it is just grief with her when his adult children (blended marriage) call me and tell me they feel she is ignoring them too. I become the understanding aunt, telling them that this is not her, it's the grief, but sometimes, privately, I do wonder.

Anyhoo, I am still taking my water aerobics class, which helps both with my head and my a**, as News put it in one of her posts. I start my yoga class (which I haven't been able to do since this all started at the end of April) 05) on Sept. 16th, and I am so looking forward to it.

I'm really enjoying this weekend. Monday will be the first holiday/day off in over a year that I won't be having a doctor appointment, or be sick as a dog, and/or waiting for a diagnostic "verdict" the next day!!! Progress.

My first follow-up appointments are Monday the 25th and Wednesday the 27th -- trying hard not to have "cancer-head," and so far, doing well with it. This is something I have to get used to since I will be having these check-ups every three months for two years, then every six months for two years. So I'm just going to get used to it.

Sorry, ladies, for running on like this. Hope you are all doing well.

Sorry I haven't written in a long time, although I do respond often to other journal buddies and am active on the cancer message board. Thanks MathTeachGal for prodding me to write in your private message.

Well since I wrote last, it has been a very rough ride, but I've come out on top.

On July 5, after two major operations, 6 chemos, 28 external rads, 5 internal rads, 4 cystoscopies, 3 ureter stents, a ureter resection, numerous tests, two transfusions, and holding my brother's hand shortly before he died, my doctor said I am "dancing with NED (No Evidence of Disease)." WHEWWWWWW.

This all started in April 2005 with kidney stones, proceeded to bladder cancer, proceeded to a hysterectomy, diagnosis of endometrial and ovarian cancer (we have an inherited cancer gene called HNPCC or Lynch Syndrome) and second surgery in September. Between September and May 17, have either had chemo or radiation. The radiation and chemo made me very sick, and at the same time, my brother, who was diagnosed two weeks after I was, was slowly slipping away.

My brother died May 24. His wife, my other brother and I were there that evening. It was, at the same time, both a feeling of being honored at seeing him out and up to heaven and horrified that I was losing him. I have accepted that this will take a very long time to come to terms with and I miss him terribly. I've lost both my parents, but this just hurt so much more. He was my big brother.

The week before he died, I had my last chemo treatment. He was so worried about me. The very last thing he said to me was: "Your chemo's finished?" I said yes. He said: "grow any hair yet?" and I burst out laughing because he knew how much I hated the no hair-no eyebrow look (although I liked the no leg or underarm hair look much!!!). Then he slowly lost awareness until the day he died.

Since my chemo was preventive, and the doctors were very aware of the trauma in my life, my doctor gave me a slightly lighter dose of chemo for that last treatment, so I could be at his house more during that last week. That weekend, when I usually would be too sick to go out, I could at least drive the three miles to his house and stay for a short time (only about an hour). I am so grateful for that.

I have a little bit of "survivor's guilt" for being the one who made it, but I know he is excited for me. The first few days I was given the "all clear" on my cancer, I couldn't stop smiling, I bought things I held off on for a year (when you are on disability and not sure you are going to be here much longer, you tend to feel that you don't need too many things!!!).

I have treated myself well the past few weeks, taking a water aerobics class and looking forward to going back to yoga class soon. I got my ears re-pierced too: the only place on my body that ever healed fast are my earlobes. This is my fourth time. I swear if I take the earrings out for 2 weeks, that's it for me. With all the surgery and treatment and infections, I left the earrings off, and bingo, they closed up!!!

Well, I know I've written a lot but wanted to thank you all on this Journal site as well as my Cancer message board buddies. I couldn't have done this without you!!! You were, and are, my lifeline!!!!

Well, I decided that as a professional writer (technical), maybe I should write about me for a change.

On June 29th, I had a laproscopic hysterectomy, and I was recovering nicely until the phone call from the gyno. I had uterine cancer, ovarian cancer, and bladder cancer -- three different types of cancer not a spread of one (lucky me, othewise I'd be a dead girl).

On September 7th, they did a 7 hour operation: ureter (bladder) resection, abdominal wash and exploratory laproectomy for lymph node involvement. No signs of further ovarian cancer, 4 lymph nodes of 44 involved that were uterine cancer, and bladder cancer gone.

Then two rounds of chemo while recovering from surgery as insurance against the ovarian cancer, followed by 28 rounds of external radiation and 5 rounds of internal radiation for the uterine cancer, and now my final 4 chemos (2 down, 2 to go).

I am bald (and a really ugly bald person), ugly, lumpy, and can't get out of bed most mornings to go to work. I am on anti-depressants just so I can get to my treatments.

Oh, and if that weren't enough, my brother, diagnosed two weeks after me, is dying of cancer. He has only a short time left, and is in hospice care. This is his second bout with cancer. My oldest brother has recovered from cancer, and the youngest has had cancer twice. The one dying is my middle brother, but basically, the one who has held the family together. Our parents have been gone for many years, my mother died when I was 29 and my father when I was 33. I am now 49 years old.

I sent the boyfriend away after a few months of the cancer treatment, because really, he was younger than me and trying but having a tough time dealing with it. Wish he would have put up more of a fight!!!

Until the last few months, I always felt younger than my age. But now, well, I feel like I've aged 10 years. I don't want to become an old lady, but looks like I have.

The chemo and radiation have been rough. What's worse is that everyone says, well your brother has it worse. Or, you look so good. Or, you look so strong. All my life, someone has been sick and I have always been there for them. And, now, I know its selfish, but no one is here for me. They need to , and I want them to, take care of my brother. It won't be much longer, but I wish there was someone who would be there for me. And there is no one. Some friends, one or two of my cousins who try to help, because they know my family is strapped with what's going on with my brother.

The last few days have been particularly awful. All I do is cry. and cry...and cry. I had chemo last Wednesday, and it was particularly rough, but on my really rough days Friday and Saturday, not one person called to see how I was doing. I felt so alone.

I try to believe in God, but I wonder why all this has happened. I am so tired. Usually, I try to be an upbeat person, but I feel very defeated.

I am going to ask to be put off on disability again. I can't even function at work anymore. And, I don't want to be anyone's hero. I don't care if someone's Aunt Sally or a coworker worked all the way through their chemo. I can't anymore.

Anyway, thanks for reading a particularly depressing journal here. Really, I am usually much more upbeat. Sometimes even funny. I just needed to get some things out tonite.