Wonder Woman was always my favorite growing up, I would fight with my sister over the tv because Donny and Marie osmand was on at the same time as wonder woman. Thursday morning I running a few minutes late for work, when I heard a loud crash sound outside my house, as I walked out to go to my car, I saw that the next door neighbor house had a car smashed into the stone wall and heard a child screaming, and the person in the front seat was trying to get out but couldn't get the door open, I am up on a hill so... without a thought process as the adrenline kicked in, wearing my high heels, capri's and silk blouse......I climb over the retaining wall through the bushes and down the hill.

I throw open the back door and pull the little boy out, he's screaming and covered with blood, the little girl comes around the side of the car to her brother, and then I yank with all my strength the drivers side door, asking if everyone is ok. The grandmother said the breaks didn't work, and the kids live in the house where the car hit. The two kids are twin 8 year olds..

I run back up the hill through the bushes and over the retaining wall and into my house to call 911. As you give them information, they tell you to hold on, and I'm saying "there are two kids hurt, one covered in blood, and I need to get back to them with a rag".. I Grab a wet rag to bring back to the boy.

Two neighbors down the street are outside talking and I yell to them, they look my way and I wave for help but they ignore it and go back to talking, at this point after looking over the little boy asking where it hurts with blood coming out his nose, I realize his eye is swollen, and I ask if he can see out it, he said "no" another neighbor at the house across the way is looking out the door, and I yell "do you have any ice", Then at the corner a woman is standing with her son at the boss stop, just watching and not asking what is going on, so I yell "there's been an accident and the kids are hurt", so she comes over and it turns out she knows the kids, and was going to try and contact the parents.

Meanwhile it seemed like forever for the ambulance to get to the scene. And I realize after giving attention to the little boy because of all the blood, I looked over to the sister and said "are you ok?" she was so brave and said 'yes" she wasn't crying but her eye was also swollen and bruised, so I handed her some ice that the neighbor had brought out.

Finally the Ambulance/Police arrive, So I give my report to several different EMT, police. I offered assistance to go to the hospital with the kids since the parents are around, and the granmother is hurt as well, she couldn't walk, she hurt her knee, and apparently she is diabetic as one of the EMT is pulling out insulin shot to give her, she said the kids were wearing seatbelts, another police officer flags me over and says "were they wearing seatbelts when you arrived?" I said "well when I pulled the little boy out I didn't need to take a seatbelt off, I have no idea if he had one on and took it off before I helped him out"... Actually I thought it was doubtful, as his hands were covered with blood and he was screaming, so I doubt he thought to take his seatbelt off himself. The police officer said based on the injuries it was unlikely they were wearing seatbelts.

Finally I said is it ok for me to go, because there was nothing more I could do. So I reassured the kids they were going to be ok and that they will be well taken care of. Phew... what a way to start your day...can't rememeber the last time I had an adrenline kick like that. I asked the police officer who questioned me to move the police car blocking my drive so I could get to work, and as I drove off, I thought...he's cute wonder if he is single. Give's new meaning to meeting your neighbors.

I visited later to see how the kids were, and introduce myself to their mom, found out that the Grandmother who was driving the car.. broke her knee, fractured her arm in two places and got rushed to a hospital in Boston for Surgery on her ankle. Luckily the kids were not as badly hurt. None of them wore seatbelts. Accidents truly to happen close to home.

Well of course when this happens you don't think about your own ailments, and considerin my lack of activity and level of pain I've been in, by the next day I felt like I had been in the accident with them, I was sore, and in pain limping around, but it all didn't matter as I was glad I was available to jump in and help when no one else did.

It's been so long since I've written, the update is that I went to the pain management once, he said since there was no specefic diagnosis he didn't want to do a nerve block since it could be a number of reasons for the pain and no way of telling without surgery, Uh wasn't it his job to find out the problem, he said xray wouldn't show anything that the MRI didn't. So he wrote me three scripts and told me to work down the line, if one didn't help move to the next one, yada yada.

Well since I really feel it is not a nerve thing, because you just know your body, and well I just know it isn't and since I havent' been getting anyone who wants to get to the bottom of it. I finally changed gyn, she seems to think all my symptoms are directly related to scar tissue, but also something she addresssed that my other gyn didn't is that I have alot of inflammation due to Endo (since I still have my ovaries) and started me on the Lupron shot, I only had my 1st one this month, so I go again next month and on the 3rd month she will re-evaluate me to see if any pain has subsided and talk about possible surgery. she thinks the inflammation was also causing irration pressing on the scar tissue area. I finally can cough, sneeze with no abdominal pain. But still pain with activity.

I can't believe it's been 10 months since my surgery and I'm still in this place. ahh well at least there is hope at the end of the tunnel.

Well sure enough the doc pressed on the spot had me cough and said I have a noma, scar tissue on nerve, and has me going to pain management clinic for nerve block shots. I tell you one hell after another. He doesn't want to do surgery unless the pain management doesn't work. He basically said that it is luck of the draw and I was one of the "unlucky ones" with surgery there is no telling about scar tissue, that is why he doesn't want to do another surgery to remove. My feeling is, get rid of the **** thing because nerve block is not 100% pain free. Well at least I have some peace of mind knowing what it is, and will hope that this procedure will improve my quality of life and activity level.

Pain is on right below incision close to pelvic bone region. Please see all I have been through..PLEASE, PLEASE anyone out there who had similar experience who can help. I am staying waiting for MRI results. I am at my wits end, I have high pain tolerance and patience but I have reached my breaking point, ready to pull files and find new doc, and a lawyer. But I don't want to, I really do like my doc.

Complaint of Right side Pain Post Op Surgery August

1. Week 4 post op, told it was due to the right side incision cut, common after surgery.

2. Week 6 post op, an ultrasound was ordered to RO cyst/fibroid on ovaries. US showed a hematoma center of pelvic region.

3. Week 8 post op, told that due to the hematoma could be reason for pain radiating to right side.

4. Next visit, ultra sound to see if hematoma shrinking.

5. Next visit complaint still of right side pain, wait until hematoma gone.

6. Next visit, ultra sound, no signs of hema toma

7. Next complaint of right side pain, did an in office catheter to see if residual in bladder, possible hammock to tight.

8. Holidays, I waited to come back in January.

9. January, complaint of right side pain, RO kidney stone, ordered Ultra sound and urine test.

10. When I went for ultra sound she was looking for cyst on ovaries I told her doc thought kidney stone, but she said the US was not ordered for that, she went ahead and did US of the bladder. US revealed no kidney stones.

11. Doctor offered uero-dynamic testing, so I decided to wait to have that done rather than go to a bladder specialist. March 1, Testing done at St. Elizabeth showed everything normal, could find no reason for Right side pain.

12. March 8 MRI done.

In the course of 7 months since my surgery I have been limited in activity. Pain is constant ache but with increase activity increased pain to point I can barely walk, and doubled over. I have tried water aerobics had to leave mid class due to pain, thought I would pass out. I tried doing treadmill after 10 minutes pain increases and could only push myself to 15-20 minutes but then by next day I am in so much pain hurts to walk. If I am out shopping during the day, I have to stop and go home due to pain. If I drive long distance, right side pain increases (perhaps due to leg extension on gas peddle). It has debilitated my quality of life, I am constantly aware of pain. It has caused me limitations in my life to not be able to enjoy the things I love to do. Mentally it has worn me out, caused depression and has depleted me of my joy. It has affected my work performance, and find myself spending weekends mostly laying with a heating pad.
__________________

It seems my moods and energy level are a constant roller coaster, I guess I'm trying to sort it all out. is it medical from hysterectomy and I'm all out of balance, the lab report doesn't say so, so is it depression or do I just have too many expectations for myself. Back in November I was gung ** to do weight watchers, that fell by the wayside. Then I was gung ** to be back a the gym, yup..fell by the wayside. My motivation level is nill, most days I just want to sleep or veg (when I'm not working) and that is another thing, my job is really bothering me, I work mostly alone all the time and I am not challenged, I need mental stimulation. So I guess with trying to sort it all out there are so many different factors going on in my life right now, some family issues arose over the past couple of weeks that have consumed me mentally, which can physically exhaust you.

In a previous post, the comments posted about the pain I have has really given me some food for thought, I almost want to just walk into an ER because they would have to find the source of the pain, right? It increases with activity, and also irritable if I have a BM, it hurts in that right side, so I really don't understand how a urologist as my doctor suggested or the urology testing he wants to do will find the problem..

sigh.... one day at a time, one hurdle at a time.

Well, I havent' been writing for awhile, my nieces got me blogging on yahoo 360, and myspace (which I hate, I never go on) but because family view it, I really can't use it as a place to vent or reach out for support. I miss hystersisters, and will come back regularly to write and read others post.

Since my hysterectomy in August. I have been complaining to my doctor about right side pain. He said that is was due to the incision they go in on the right side.

But then in sept I complained and he did an ultra sound and found a hema-toma size of softball. In october I still complained or right side pain, he did an ultra sound to see if a cyst on the ovary.

By November when I still complained he put a cathedar in to see if my bladder was empting properly and mentioned possibly the hammock for the euretha was too tight. But he didn't really do anything about it.

I went through the holidays in excruciating pain, the kind that you can see on your face, and could barely walk I almost went to the ER, but I am stubborn and high pain tolerance so I figured I would wait until after the Holidays to complain to my doc yet again.

So In January I saw him, he ordered an Ultra sound thinking it was Kidney stones, but found none. So with all my symptoms he thinks I may need a Pelvic Reconstruct, possibility my bladder has prolapsed, or the Hammock is too tight pressing on a nerve.... it will be a few weeks before he can get me in for testing to pinpoint exact cause of pain, I may very well have two different things going on. (since I have had bladder issues since sept. also). He said if I couldn't wait then he would send me to a urologist, but I really want to just continue in his Care, even though I was not happy with the delay and different answers, I really do like him, lucky for me I am persistant and in tune with my body.

Other than that, I have had alot of family stress...but will save that for another journal entry.

Hope everyone is well... miss all my hsytersisters!! really need support with turning 40 in 2 months, and not able to have children, and no husband in site.. I still haven't mourned the loss, I just supress it.

Hugs... Vickie

I am now 8 days smoke free!!!! cold turkey...
I am so thrilled because I agonized for so long to quit but just wasn't ready I guess but everytime I lit up I hated it!!

Hormones: I ordered a book someone recomended "what your doctor doesn't tell you premenopause" I'm hoping it will have some useful information for me. After researching about the ovaries, I found that sometimes they never wake up, but the good news is it said if your estrogen is below normal (mine is less than 32), and your TSH is elevated (mine is less than .7) then it is a good indication that the ovaries are not functioning. So my conclusion is that my TSH is not elevated so hopefully it mean my ovaries will start producing estrogen. My doc has just left me in limbo telling me to get blood work in another 3 months.

I'm taking primrose oil pills, do those help with nightsweats? also taking lots of vitamins to get back to a healthier me! staying off cigs and getting back to the gym.

Hugs to all!

I saw doc friday, I've had some bladder issue since he put hammock in for euretha, he thought he may have done it up too tight and it will have to loosen over time, but he tried a procedure in his office to open the euretha opening a big because mine is shrunk smaller than usual... ouch..ouie ouw!!

He went over my blood work My doc told me my blood results showed barely any estrogen in my body, so obviously my ovaries are still asleep it will be 3 months soon since surgery! he has had me taking birth control to get the estrogen in me... so even now after the blood results...he said keep taking the BC pill. ????? Should I be concerned no estrogen? besides having outburst and sweet cravings that I've already experienced what other havoc will it do to me until it increases...is there an over the counter alternative I can do without notifying the doc.??? HELP... I feel crazed.

I have felt so ugly for the past two weeks. (well ya physically too but I'm talking emotionally).

I feel like I have a puss on my face, and I had a breakdown last week re-acting in a way I normally wouldn't. The last few days have been stressful because my boss, the president of a $800mil company had a heartattak over the weekend and the sharks are having a feeding frenzy, everyone has a God complex...luckily I work alone in his office but our corporate office in Cinci... I had sent and Memo out and in the email subject line I mispelled something forgetting to put the letter "T" in the word and I got a call about it, and the person said "well people have mentioned it" and I said "well tell them to fk off"...I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth. People make fun of me cuz I'll say "oh poop" or "fudgecicles and brownies"... I'm just a goof about swearing, unless of course I'm really mad.. and well now I just don't know if my grouch attitude is related to hormones. I find out friday what my blood work says but it was drawn two weeks ago.

I'm feeling a bit depressed, my day is consumed with mentally talking myself into going to the gym, the bag is in my car, but I never go. I talk to myself about quitting smoking everytime I light up I hate myself.
And lately all I want to do is sleep. I just can't get out of my way!!

Is this all part of the imbalance and healing? Please help with words of encouragement/advcie thanks...

Vickie

It has been forever since I've been able to make time to come to hystersisters... I miss everyone!! I started back to work half days on the 18th for two weeks and that went great, I was ready for a nap by 2pm. And I really enjoy working half days... ;-) I also was moving during those two weeks so with alot of activity I really was tuckered out and Swollen like the pillsbury dough boy!

Well I got settled into my new place this past weekend, still lots to unpack but not nearly as strenueous as the rest of the move, and I was good I didn't lift anything too heavy, well...once or twice and that was a reminder not too!

I started back to work Full Time this past week, I leave my house at 8am, and not home until 7-7:30pm, so I am sleeping really well at night. It's great to feel my energy back and my spirits up. I still have pain when I cough, but that is slowly going away each week. I stopped bleeding just a week ago, but still have some yellowy tinted orange like discharge...hmm what could that be? still from hematoma drainage or stitches? as of two weeks ago I still had the hematoma but it had shrunk more than half the original size of the softball, so I go back for an ultra sound on the 18th to see if it is Gone!

I have bladder pain, but don't feel the euretha hammock, it's like I feel in my abdomen pain when I pee. Hmmm don't know what to do about that?

Here is another issue:

Ok I'm freaking out and need advice! I am about 11 weeks post op and have been dealing with the swelly belly especially after activity, but I have put on 10 lbs in 2 weeks!! Has anyone experienced this? and what could be the cause? Hormones? water retention?
What should I do?

I kept my ovaries, was having hot flashes, doc told me to continue taking BC pills for the hormones until ovaries kicked in, could take several months. He told me if I get headaches then I will know ovaries kicked in because with taking the BC pills I will have too much estrogen in my body and to stop taking them. Should I see an endocronologist to make sure everything is functioning???

Yesterday was my first half day back to work, then i went to the gym to meet with a trainer who specializes in physical therapy. I can't believe how weak I am he showed me some stretches, and a few weights for legs, arms, chest and walked treadmill. I was so nervous but felt ok with slow movement and light weights.

I was surprised later in the day that I felt good, tired but good. Yeah! I fought to not take a nap for fear I wouldn't sleep at night, but the body knows what it needs and I fell asleep 6-8pm, and yeah, I was back in bed at 11 and slept through the night (no aids) and I had difficulty waking up hitting the snooze for 1/2h. Wow can't believe how much I slept.

My only complaints are that I am still Bleeding ugh... Doc said it could be up to 10 weeks (I'm at week 7) for this hematoma to completely drain/shrink and be gone! Also I have had some pain where the hyrnia repair was done... bit nervous about that. He told me he stitched it up, rather than the typical hyrnia repair where they insert object to relieve hyrnia bubble.

So today even though I am sitting here at work (ya, playing already..lol) tired, I have to drag my butt to the gym so I can discpline myself like second nature. I had considered...ohhh I'll walk and do stretches at home today since it's not a weight day... but I know I'll get home and flop down on the couch.

I also thought I could break some of my smoking habits starting this week to work up to quitting, what do you think I did first thing when I got home at 2:30? yup...lit up.... I guess it is one victory one day at a time. work, gym and quit smoking challenge will have to come later.

ok this is getting ridiculous and frustrating. I am almost to tears with frustration!!!

Tues: I was up til 3:30 am , I hadn't napped during day thinking it would get me to sleep sooner, 3:30 am!!

Wed: I was up at 7am!! and had to go out for hair appt at 11am, got home at 2:30 exhausted because of only getting 3.5h sleep. So I napped 4pm woke up at 6pm. Thought for sure I would never get to sleep that night... but Yeah I was in bed by 10:30 and slept through night with exception of 1am BR wake up call, and went right back to sleep!!! yeah! and woke at 7am thurs.

Thurs: Yeah thinking okI had a normal night sleep 10:30-7am, I'm on my way to get some normal sleeping pattern for starting work next week. Well I didn't get to sleep this night until 1:30am.

Friday: woke at 9:30, laid back down at 11:30 and OMG!!!!! woke up at 2:30....... This is CRAZY!! I mean obviously my body must have needed sleep but I had just had 8hours sleep and then I slept another 4 HOURS!!!

Help! I'm losing my mind, feel like I'm in a torture training camp. Here it is 11:30 and sleep does not seem like it is happening anytime soon and I'm having a Night sweat...does this happen even when your not sleeping? or is it considered a hot flash?

Two of my passions are writing and sewing.

Writing:
I want to write a book someday, and I have about 8 slow works in progress. working full time I just never seem to make the time to write. I know what I need to do, discpline myself a set time each day to just write!! Even sometimes when ideas come to me...I just let them pass by. I use to carry a tape recorder and little notebook to write these ideas down but just havent' in years! I thought this time at home I would utilize to WRITE!! and so mad that I have just let the time pass me by, it goes quickly wow 5 weeks now at home sitting hear not doing a **** thing. What have I been thinking. I have just been in veg land.

Sewing:
I enjoy sewing, in years past it was curtains, stuffed animals, pillows, clothes. But the past few years it has been quilts, I have even attempted to sell them. I enjoy making them and have gotten alot of feedback. Problem is I live in a studio now 2 years and although I set up shop and made about 4 quilts this past year, I packed everything away because it drives me nuts to live in a small space with lots of clutter. It's not worth the hassle to pull out and put away each time. I know it is unrealistic to think that i could have used this at home time to sew, as it wouln't have been comfortable or condusive to healing. But when I think of all the useless hours that could have been more productive..I just get soo mad at myself.

Also I love to read, I have all these great books I thought I would hit... .do you think I have opened one book? NOOOOOO and also magazines.... I mean what the heck is wrong with me, what am I doing all these hours??

I haven't enjoyed not one ounce of my time at home recovering, no beach, no sun, nothing!!!! I know I was just listening to my body and resting especially since I am gushing blood for weeks now with this hematoma draining, but still I can't help that a part of me just became this Slug in a vegatative state!!!! arghhh....

Ok, I have been a smoker for 6 years, it has become a security blanket, I have agonized over quitting tried various methods, but I know it is a mind over matter like a kid stomping the floor... I thought for sure going to the castle would give me a foundation to quite, I was in hospital for 4 days, and yup you guessed it I immediatly lit up. ever since I agonize over it because I am so mad at myself for not siezing the moment. It was my best opportunity to rid my body of toxins while doped up ...LOL, now I am a smokeaholic sitting here day after day with my cigs keeping me company... HELP need support and advise on the mind over matter. I start back at gym next week, Ya I am a smoking gym person.... and yes I try to hide my smoking and embarressed if I am seen in public smoking. Isn't it crazy!!!

I'm bored and feel like babbling (thank God I return to work next week pt for two weeks and ft 10/1) . The hematoma, has shrunk dramatically, still bleeding and have ultrasound next week to compare size.

I thought I would share: I love sex, I consider myself a verysexual person, I havent had sex in 18months, I am fearful of being intimate again because my body has changed with this surgery, I feel like I dont know myself, although they say sex after is more intense orgasms, I think the person I have sex with will have to be someone I grow close to, trust and building a relationship with, unfortuntely past dating situations was primarily about sex not building a loving relationship, it was "all about them" not wanting commitment.

Todays society and mentality seems to leave the realistic view of no monogomy and no commitment. however unrealistic my view may be,is this: I want to give myself to someone who cares about me, excited to see me, hear my voice and wanting to build a friendship and loving relationship moving forward not standing still in time leaving you empty and no substance.

Yes, sex is important to me and chemistry but I need more than that to give more of myself, especially now with the changes in my body, I need intimacy to be also of the mind not just body.

I joked with GF's about having a sex fling prior to my surgery since I knew it would be different. Now I feel like a born again virgin....need someone I can open up to and discuss the changes in my sexual needs and discovering what those are since I'm sure positions etc...will bring different sensation than what my body was familiar with.

I would like to say "bring it on...the sex monster...hee hee" but in reality that is not how I truly feel, intimacy of the mind and body is what I need. Oh no!....this could be long time before I have sex again...YIKES, it will be a rare find, a man who wants to make love to your mind and body... ;-)

Then there is the baby factor: I have adored kids, close to all the kids in my life (nieces and friends kids), told I should have been a child psychologist, I am like the pide piper..kids flock to me, even sitting in a laundromat kids come over to me... I always thought I would give birth to my own child, even as each year I got older and no husband it sight it scared me to death at the idea of giving birth and raising a kid in todays society, I at least wanted to know I had that choice.

Intellectually I know since that option has been taken from me, I know that adoption is a wonderful gift of life and is an option some day if I choice that. It doesn't change the grieving in my heart of not being able to bear a child with my DNA, a child that looks like a part of me, to feel it kick inside and the bonding of breast feeding. I still have to face these feelings and let the tears flood, but I have stayed numb all these weeks focusing on my physical healing not my mental healing. I'm not sure I know how to let myself feel the pain of loss.

These are the challenges I face as many of the woman here also face, and I find this site a place of healing and a Godsend to my sanity. ;-)

on a positive note I have 10months at the gym paid for cuz they did a freeze for me since I hadn't been to gym since last october (yeah! I didn't lose out on all that gym membership $) so I am going to arrange to meet with a trainer, he works as a physical thereapist as his regular job, so I'll be glad to work with him to setup a workout routine without over extending myself. It will be hard to motivate myself but I know once I get into a workout routine it will become 2nd nature.

I have a renewed sense making healthy changes in my life, and hopeful to return to a more active life style wanting to start biking, hiking (want to start snow shoeing)again and maybe set some challenges in the future for road race. I use to love running and remember even running in the corporate challenge in syracuse (of course then I was not in the best workout shape so it was a walk/run) but I did make it to the finish line (and not one of the last) hee hee hee... I also use to bike every night after work along the erie canal. Did I tell you my big goal is to train for mini tri-atholon in boston laborday, probably 2008, it is attainable... 1mi swim, 5 mi run, 11mi bike, You can also team up with people to do each segment.

Thanks all for listening (reading) and for support.. Hugs..

I'm bored and feel like babbling (thank God I return to work next week pt for two weeks and ft 10/1) . The hematoma, has shrunk dramatically, still bleeding and have ultrasound next week to compare size.

I thought I would share: I love sex, I consider myself a verysexual person, I havent had sex in 18months, I am fearful of being intimate again because my body has changed with this surgery, I feel like I dont know myself, although they say sex after is more intense orgasms, I think the person I have sex with will have to be someone I grow close to, trust and building a relationship with, unfortuntely past dating situations was primarily about sex not building a loving relationship, it was "all about them" not wanting commitment.

Todays society and mentality seems to leave the realistic view of no monogomy and no commitment. however unrealistic my view may be,is this: I want to give myself to someone who cares about me, excited to see me, hear my voice and wanting to build a friendship and loving relationship moving forward not standing still in time leaving you empty and no substance.

Yes, sex is important to me and chemistry but I need more than that to give more of myself, especially now with the changes in my body, I need intimacy to be also of the mind not just body.

I joked with GF's about having a sex fling prior to my surgery since I knew it would be different. Now I feel like a born again virgin....need someone I can open up to and discuss the changes in my sexual needs and discovering what those are since I'm sure positions etc...will bring different sensation than what my body was familiar with.

I would like to say "bring it on...the sex monster...hee hee" but in reality that is not how I truly feel, intimacy of the mind and body is what I need. Oh no!....this could be long time before I have sex again...YIKES, it will be a rare find, a man who wants to make love to your mind and body... ;-)

I just don't know what to do with myself. It has been a lonely 4 weeks at home alone, I was hoping to be able to get a change of scenery from this tomb apartment, but have been lethargic, depressed, I just sit staring at the television watching movie after movie whil sitting on the couch, lay on the couch, lay and bed and if I'm lucky sit at this computer. I can't remember the last time I went out to walk, except to get to the doctor.

I am frustrated at this setback with the hematoma. My sleep schedule is crazy and sparatic. I haven't even picked up my operah magazine to read or a book, Nothing!! I need help getting motivated having my spirits lifted! I know I need to force myself to walk but because I was in so much pain this past week I've been afraid of overdoing it especially since I am back on perc, I know I overdo it cuz I forget there is pain.

I really am in a funk!! I haven't even allowed myself to feel the emotions of what I have just lost, the idea of never giving birth, I just know if I break down sobbing, it comes with more pain.

With the idea of going back to work in a couple of weeks I know I also need to get into a regular sleep routine again and increase energy by walking.

I'm just rambling repeating myself.

well found out I have a hematoma the size of a softball. Doc said it is "rare" and he has never seen one in any of his patients. Leave it to me to be one of the "rare cases". ugh. He could surgically remove it, but was optimistic it will shrink if I can be patient, it is another 6 weeks! If my fever spikes to 100.6 (it's been around 100 off/on all week) then I have to go to the hospital. He will have to monitor me weekly to makes sure it is shrinking, that is why I am having all the bleeding because it is draining. Worse case scenerio is going to hospital for IV antibiotics and surgical removal. ok.. could this get any worse!!

Had ultrasound today for right side pain, and when the tech asked if I've had a fever I knew something was up. I have had slight fever all week at about 100 off/on.

when I got dressed I found out the tech had immediately called doc at hospital getting him out of surgery, and they ordered me 2 antibiotics. But I have to wait til 11am thurs appt to find out what the results were, obviously something up because of the quick reaction to get me on antibiotics. ugh, will this ever end?

at the beginning of last week I was in good spirits and high energy, still taking it easy though, I had gone off pain meds and walking short distances. Then this past friday I woke up to sever right side sharp pain, I could barely walk, even lifting my right leg to get in the shower was sharp jabbing right pain. I also was still bleeding. I still having the sharp pain and bleeding.

I saw doc on monday and he stopped the bleeding but I woke up this morning with it even heavier than before. He also said I may have a cyst on the ovary that why the pain, and I am scheduled for an ultra sound to make sure it is not a hard mass.

First I don't understand how a cyst could cause debilitating pain. Second what if it is a hard mass what then? I am just so worn down from all of this, depressed, and lethargic. I was optimistic for a speedy recovery especially reading so many positive stories. I am tired of laying around and no activity, I still force myself to do at least one short walk regardless of the pain, but it is so bad that I end up in tears.

Mornings are still difficult with gas, takes my breath away even though I take a gas x before bed.

The only positive thing is my sister and nieces came for the weekend, and I enjoyed their visit. A bit too much because I did alot of uncontrolled laughter, and it hurt sooo much I ended up crying tears of pain. I had to keep telling my niece to stop making me laugh.

One of my nieces Samantah 10y old is with me for the week, so my next dilemma is driving her 2 hours to maine, I have only done 3 short drives this week, and not sure how I will do with the long distance.

I am usually stubborn, on the go, and high pain tolerance but all of this experience has taken its toll on my spirit, motivation, etc.... I feel completely un productive, not even enjoying any reading or writing. UGH...

I even haven't come to hyster sisters for the support and I know that when I do I am encouraged and miss the support. so I will have to get back more often, I just haven't felt like being on the computer much and hurts sitting in this position too long.

Hugs to all.. vickie

Ok, this is for the birds. I'm bored and lonely. I havent been outdoors in a week due to bleeding doc said not to take stairs, I live on 2nd floor. my first week home I did 2 walks a day. I think tomorrow I will try short walk outdoors and see how it goes, although he had stopped the bleeding on thur it started again on friday night. I also tired of no appetite, I'd like to bite into a juicy burger but I just don't think I can stomach it. I am still very light. Also the scale hasn't budge, you'd think I would see some weight loss after a uterus twice the normal size being removed, and I didn't eat for a whole week in hospital just didn't have appetite and threw up twice, I haven't eaten much at home just the basics jello, fruit, cottage cheese, and i have BM each day so shouldn't the pounds be falling off.... I guess I'm just an impatient healer. I expect swelling to be down and I guess I just have to wait it all out, ugh another 4 weeks til I can go back to work part time to my 8th week...

k... done venting..

had my two week checkup yesterday with doc, he did NOT clear me to drive ugh..and told not to take stairs, he said the bleeding is normal but heavier than usual and to lay and keep my feet up, thank god it wasn't a stitch, he put something in there to stop bleeding. they gave me an appt monday in case I have any difficultys.....because he is on vacation the rest of the week. due to the amount of bleeding, my blood levels were low (anemia), He said my uterus was Double the size of a normal one.

Hey doc told me he did an itty bitty tummy tuck (hope he didn't charge me for it). Mornings are very difficult with BM but I take as stool softner and prune juice each night, so it helps a bit, and whatever he did to me yesterday regarding the euretha/hammock he told me to expect pain for next few days peeing.

Also he repaired my hernia but I forgot to ask him about a bubble I can feel there below the belly button. Oh good news, he said that my ovaries due to still having eggs, that a sarrogate mother is an option if I choose that someday.

I have nicknamed my apt. it is a studio, but large with seperate kitchen, but stuck here not walking outdoors since sunday, it has now been nicknamed the "TOMB"...LOL... I have a beautiful view of the bay out my window and fort revere, spinker island and boston skyline, plus our emergency exit off the hall is actually a porch so I can put a chair out there to sit for fresh air.

Still no appetite, fruit, cottage cheese and jello my friends. I have tried a few more solid foods periodically but find not much of an appetite for them and then there is the whole gassy thing... but I do love my protein shakes I do in the morning.

Well hope everyone here is doing well... Hugs.. Vickie

Well I thought I was free and clear from no bleeding, didn't have any in the hospital and survived a week with none..yeah! but today I am bleeding, and it freaked me, cuz it is very red and alot (not gushing but enough).

I called doc and they staff called me back saying it was normal. that is another thing is every time I call my doc with questions the staff calls back with the answers. Well I was feeling agrivated today because I wanted to discuss the bleeding not just hear "it's normal" but I left it alone since I will see him on thursday.

See being alone I probably have done more than I should. I stood doing dishes last night, and I live on 2nd floor so have taken stairs to check mail or go for short walks (which he said I could do), and I have heard so much about vaginal cuff tears that I was freaked seeing the blood. I just want to know...how is it normal after a week not bleeding? what is my body experiencing as it heals that I would bleed now?

Well I did write a list of questions for doc, I just like to be educated and understand my body and the procedure, like what exactly did he do for a pelvic reconstruct? sure I've read they just stitch close part of vagina but I want to know exactly what the procedure entailed.

Also even though I haven't had a man in my life in 16 months and I'm not having sex I want to know how deep penetration will effect the area where the cervix was? Will that weaken the repair he did closing off the area? How embarressing to ask but I need to know.

Ok, I'm done venting my stress it hurts sitting and have to go back to laying down. My back ribs are killing me, probably from laying more than standing? hmmm Well not to sound all negative, I actually am doing fine, just an impatient healer... and not looking forward to 6 weeks alone, I may travel to a friends for a week to get away.

This is the first day I actually feel able to sit at the computer and also first time I feel like writing, part of it may be due to the percs and pain and the other part, numbing my feelings about the whole idea of losing my family jewels.

The whole castle experience is a blur. Even with morphine I was still in pain so they also gave me toradol.
My second day, my crit was down to 17 (suppose to around 30), so I had a blood transfusion of 2 pints of blood. My BP was extremely low 60/40. I ended up puking all over myself lucky for me the 11pm-7am nurse and CNA were wonderful, they tore off all the soaked nightgown, linens etc.. cleaned me up in no time. All modesty out the window. Due to the Blood transfusion given to me during this shift, they had to wake me every half hour to check my vitals. I got no sleep. So on the 3rd day I slept most of the day, and the Day nurse who I did not like at all, she had not one once of compassion..(more later on her) had told me "I couldn't sleep all day and had to get up at least once to walk" well that is fine but to put it that way "I can't sleep all day" Hello I just had a blood tranfusion last night and puked and had no sleep!

I had difficulty breathing, and had an inhaler when I requested it it took the day nurse 1 1/2hours to get it to me after I asked a 2nd time... ugh hello respitory distress here!! and when she told me I had to eat something, I told her I would try jello, she again took over an hour after a 2nd reminder I finally got it!

On the 3rd day I had the worste migraine of my life, and they had taken me off the morphine, so they gave me a shot of something with a "D" (can't remember the name of it). My roomate was an older woman who had a hip replacement and she had about 5 visitors at one time all yacking loudly and I laid there with a pillow over my head, of course a migrane everything sounds louder.

I originally was to be discharged on thurs but due to the blood transfusion I had to stay til friday. My doc showed up at 7am, (I just love and trust him) he said he wanted to keep me Friday too! I begged him pleeaase let me go home! he asked if I was sure? and if I changed my mind I could stay, he also asked if I had someone at home with me. A friend from NH had planned to come fri-sun. so I was all set and discharged by 11am on Friday... yipee! I couldn't get home soon enough... the plastic smelling pillows and bed were killing me, I wanted my comfy bed/pillows.

I had two small incision on each side of my vagina where he put the hammock in for the euretha, a 12" incision, he said due to the size of the uterus. He said it was huge filled with fibroids (uterus size of 6mo pregnant woman). He also had to to a pelvic reconstruct due to taking the cervix, and fix the hyrnia I had from previous surgery.

Now, I am a true princess because I have never had any weird skin breakouts my whole life, and I came home and freaked with some rash on my neck and on each side of my inner thigh. I guess due to sweat making skin raw so it's been a week home and it's just starting to clear up.

Other than the hospital experience I have been doing well at home, napping, and 2 very short walks a day, and a BM a day (yeah!! thanks to prune juice and stool softner). I still don't have an appetite living on fruit, cottage cheese, triscuits and jello! Hoping I will drop the 30lbs I needed. but the scale has gone up 10lbs and doc said due to endema from blood transfusion (which had my feet looking like flinstone chubby feet..ha ha ha). I have had right sided pain, bladder spasm, and incision is seeping, again doc said this was all normal healing. My two week check up is on the 17th.

I have been home alone and done ok, the biggest pain is when you get yourself situated and then realize you forgot something and have to get back up..ugh! I have had a few people able to periodically pop in to make store run, do dishes, and help where needed usually only for 1/2h each day, but that has been a blessing if I hd totally noone at all to check on me.

Well this is long, and think I have sat enough... Thanks to everyone for your supportive words.. can't wait to get back to hystersisters more often.

hugs...Vickie

You know how tears hit you when you least expect it. Well after 2 weeks of having my teen niece, and then another week having the twin nieces, and a weekend with my sister here they all left for Maine today, and as we were saying goodbye, my Teen niece copped an attitude when i asked her to take the garbage on her way out.

My emotions/anxiety I have bottled up just exploded into tears, of course having nothing to do with the trash, as she grabbed and walked out, I burst into tears saying "is she even going to say goodbye, I could die on the operating table" what a horrible thing to say with the twins watching and brittnee's teen friend who came for the weekend.

I had just blurted it out balling, and thought what an aweful thought, I mean we do sign a waver obviously for any surgery there are risk, but it is not something I really consider as a possibility. I felt so bad for saying it, I started to apologize while my sister hugged me saying "your not going to die" I almost have to laugh at it now because what a stupid thing to say.

I have to work tomorrow and sooooo hoping I can get out early I just need a day to myself, even though I will have many after my surgery, I just need the time to get my apt. sanitized, make a trip to the grocery store, set up an area near my bed that is easily accesible with the things I will need near by and reachable.

I feel like I am becoming neurotic because I even considered taking a sheet to tie at the end of the bed to act as a pully device like the one they sell to help lift myself up so I don't have to use my stomach muscles and pushing myself up with my arms.

Even access to the computer sitting for any lenght of time, I bought a bungee recliner the kind you use to sit outdoors, I thought it would be great to recline and be able to use my computer, and I can also have someone bring it to the roof deck if I feel like sitting in the sun. the idea of being stuck the 1st 2 weeks of august indoors while I feel hit by a train and on meds, aggrivates me, I am such an outdoor on the go kind of person.

I hope it rains or that I feel up to sitting in the heat. Well just 1 more day and I am off to the castle.... oy vay!

I am so thankful to all who have written supportive words. I would really be out of my mind if I didn't have this site to come to and vent, share and read others stories.

I don't know if it has been a good thing staying busy and not allowing myself time to think or grieve about the loss of my family jewels or to feel the pain of abandonment by family and friends. I suppose I will have plenty of time for that after surgery.

I had my 15y old niece visiting with me for two weeks and now I am on a week vacation with her sisters twin 10y old. Whew I guess it is a good taste of mommy hood, kids dominate the computer. LOL.

I've had a great and busy few weeks the 15y old was in Teen Heaven having the apt. to herself endless hours of internet, sleeping and watching tv. I couldn't motivate her to get to the beach which is right outside my door because she felt funny going alone, can't blame her. We went to the movies, did a 90 minute walking tour in Plymouth which just about killed me, I paid for it for two days of increased pain. I usually just take one perc at night if i need it, I had to take three (1 every 3-4hrs) after that walk, of course weekends were at the beach and her favorite thing was letting her drive my jeep in an empty parking lot. She is dying to get her permit.

on saturday my sis and I did a package swamp the 15y old for the 10y old twins... so now I have my twin nieces for a week while I'm on vacation. I took them to go carts, batting cages and min.golf on Sunday at star land.

OMG the go carts are funny I have never driven one before and they had huge pot holes on the course, Nikki is a few inches to short to ride alone so she kept wanting me to go over the pot holes... umm feeling a bit old taking a toll on the body pot hole after pot hole...LOL. and by pelvic area and hernia were not too happy with me, but I'm sick of putting my life on hold because of this disease and pain! It is great taking kids to do stuff that brings out the kid in me! We had a great day. then took a drive to see the Mansions in cohasset... there must be a single man living in one of those houses... ha ha ha...

What a griswald moment, you had to be there to see the site of me going over the bumps on go cart track, it was one of those vibrating moments.. LOL .

my previous entry of help falling through, was my mom.. she is coming from toledo ohio to visit my sister for vacation the very week of my surgery. Well it is a long story but we haven't talked in 3 years, and I was really at peace with her coming seeing it as a chance to mend our relationship.

The reason for us not talking is due to my stepdad, my mom had married at 16, had me and was divorced when I was 6months old. at a year old she met "bill" who I considered "dad" my entire growing up, even after I made contact with my biological dad 23years later. Both my sister and I are adult survivor of child sexual abuse at the hands of "Bill", the body remembers and I couldn't understand through my 20's the feelings I had when I was around him, it was very disturbing to me, it wasn't until I was 30 seeking counseling that the memories came through the flood gate, and a face to put with the acts.

Anyhow it's a long story, even my mom had suspected "bill" but then I don't know if she had a nervous breakdown or what, she became in total denial, writing me a hateful letter calling me a liar, even though my sister also had memories. So the reason for my writing about this is My mom was going to come stay with me for a week, and she mentioned "Bill" (who she still uses the word "dad", taking the twins to the beach, and I said "where exactly does Bill plan on staying?" she responded "with me of course, it's our vacation and I'm not going to leave him alone" So I told her she was crazy, he is not welcome in my home, and don't bother coming. It is hurtful and just added emotions I dont' need right now.

I've taken great strides for healing and setting boundaries, I have accepted that she is in denial and even that he may have made his peace with God, that is between him and God. But I do not need be a part of his life any longer. To top it off they are both Ministers (salvation army), hence part of why I haven't attended church regularly, I guess just the hypocracy.

I haven't shared this with too many people, guess I feel like this journal is a place to share feelings, pain, happiness.

Well it turns out I will not be having the help I thought i had finally put in place, and will be home healing and dealing alone. Mom was going to come but long story. I have a whatever attitude, feel like pulling teeth to get anyone to commit to help, just goes to show you who you can count on and real friends when in need.

The awkard thing is an admin in one of our regional offices offered to drive and pick me up hospital. It is pretty pathetic when all friends and family can't adjust schedule to help but she is willing to do that. What a blessed, gracious heart. I had no choice but to take her up on it, It is just so hard for me to depend on other people, and I feel like I am disrupting her life and inconveincing her. But I guess if people ask then they should exepect you to take them up on their offer ;-) She has been so awesome about it wanting to give me as much time as I need. Her Boss is a VP who works under my boss, and his was totatly supportive of her taking the time off and also doing work from here at my house. I just said don't let it get back to my boss...not sure he would be so gracious about the idea...LOL.

I am beginning to feel so bitter towards everyone and really want to shut people out who have not stepped forward to be there. I can't tell you how many times I've made myself available to them, and these are friends I've had 10years, 5 years... I know my feelings are natural but I am so stubborn and head strong, I mean do I need to soften my heart and just accept that they aren't here during my greatest time of need? I am just so filled with so many emotions the anxiety of surgery and healing process, the pain that increases and want to get surgery over with, the lack of network of support I have around me. I mean I even had 3 ladies from the church I had attended call to offer help but have not heard from them since and never left their phone numbers... was that just to make themselves feel better?

just venting.... want to be done with this all!!

My 15y old niece has been visiting with me for two weeks, she lives 2 1/2 hours away in maine, even though I have had to work all day, it has been a joy having her and really helping me keep my mind of my surgery coming up. She wrote me this letter.. isn't it the sweetest thing?

Well, I'd first like to start off saying that I figured this would be a heck lot easier to type this on here other than going home, writing out a letter, and actually taking the time to send it. haha, so anyways. I wanted to let you know how much I love you I'm going to miss you when i head back home. I also wanted to thank you so very much for coming to get me in the first place. It's good to know I have someone there for me. I'll miss our talks, trips, driving your car, making jokes, being open with eachother, beach, talking about gross things, haha, staying up all night//morning just talking and laughing about every little thing,dancing together, your notes on the fridge, EVERYTHING we did was a memory. I always have a good time while being here. Don't ever change auntie. I love you the way you are. On the other hand, i wanted to let you know I'm sorry for what you have to go through with the whole surgery..just keep in mind, everything happens for a reason..& like you said, after this is done with you'll be sure to feel better inside and not be in so much pain. If there was anything i could do to take the pain away from you, i would. I don't like seeing you hurt and so upset. Just try and look on the bright side of things..and don't get so down..i love you more than anything and your the closest to family besides mom and stuff that i have. I'm glad you've been one to always be by my side and proud as hell to say i have an aunt like you. Okay well. Looooove you and missss you already xoxoxoxo. I'll be praying for you. & I'll be sure to call.

I'm so glad for this journal option on hystersisters, I don't like any of the other places like myspace etc... although I did find christianblog.com, but when I don't have the strength to write in my journal I enjoy coming here to just type my random thoughts especially with others who can relate exactly the emotions we all experience with surgery and our FAMILY JEWELS be taken from us.

I am exactly 2 weeks from surgery, and it's like my emotions have snuck up on me because I have surpressed them and been too busy to think about it. Today all I did was cry at work. I am stessed beyond my level. This morning as I get ready for work I always listen to Good Morning America as background noise, and the topic was should breast feeding being banned from public places, and pumping in the workplace, of course it brought my mind to the place that I will never experience breast feeding.

Then at work a friend called and asked if I would consider staying with her for my recovery I really appreciate it and thoughtful, and as I explained I'm not sure where my emotions/hormones will be and the fact that I dont' think being around moms and their young kids will help my emotions, I burst into tears, although I was able to bring a laugh at the thought of her rambucsious lab named jet and could just picture him leaping like Tigger at me and it would be all over for my stitches/healing (he is totally uncontrollable, I once had to go to the ER cuz he took a nose dive at me on the bed with his big square head hitting me in the nose, I had a fractured cartilidge.

Then at work I have 2 events (meeting for 30 people) that are only 1 week apart I need to have details finalized before friday cuz I leave for a week vacation and then surgery. There are flights/transportation/hotel accomodation, catering needs, etc... well they keep adding more people the meeting and one of the hotels in charlseston NC will only hold 25 people, my boss flips out and goes off... and then I burst into tears.. Yup OMG, never have I cried at work, even though he was on the other end of the phone it was obvious. Any they always say the worse thing we women can do is cry on the job.

So he calls me back, says are you calm now? and says "I wasn't yelling at you" he was trying to be warm and fuzzy feeling bad, but of course he was yelling at me, he is the President of a $750 million dollar company with 22,000 employees, he doesn't want to be bothered with the little details, but I'll be gone and I don't have a back up to take care of the details if something goes awry.

Anyhow, he talks to me and I tell him well I just have a lot I am preparing for, like the stupid little things the idea of having swelly belly looking 6 months prego means I need clothes that will be comfy and fit, and you know what he says? to make me laugh of course.. he says "just go butt naked" ha ha ha

OMG, it is so awkard to deal with personal and emotional stuff at work, luckily I work in an office with just him and a financial anaylst so we are all close, our corporate headquarters is in Cincinnati Ohio, and gladd I don't work there bursting out in tears. Anyhow today was a rotten day and my eyes are still burning from all the tears.

oh and on a final note to top off my day I had to put $400 into my car today for 2 oxygen sensors!! ugh! There goes the swelly belly wardrobe.

Ok so I am more calm today, and think things will fall somewhat into place...

Here is an update, confirmed and definite.... ugh my head is spinning!

-Aug 1-3** Becky helping me to/from hospital
-Aug 4-6* Sherry will come from NH, leaving hubby and 3 kids at home for the weekend.
-Aug 6-11th Mom will come from Maine with nieces so their vacation is not interupted, I live at beach with arcades, mini golf, etc.. for them to do while I rest.
-Aug 12-18* Don't have anyone definite and this will be the week I need a ride to doctor
(my sister, friend Marianne, and neighbor Pam can't commit, they have to play by ear, as the dates approach... ugh!) LOL.

I am just so aggrivated and honkerblonky, (can I say that on here?) My family can't make me a priority, they suck... LOL>>sorry. I haven't had a relationship with my mom for almost 5 years (long story) and it was the first time I've ever asked her of anything, my mom has vacation planned to Maine to see my sister aug 4-12 her and my sister have known about my surgery before these plans were made.

I sent out an email to 7 people this week cuz I heard nothing after I sent out a few weeks agoa calendar w/recovery info and Endo ingo, asking if anyway anyone can come 6-11th, and NOT ONE WORD! I tell you, you really know who your friends are in a time of need.

Excuse me while I continue to vent:

I am sooooo the type to drop everything for everyone to go running across the miles to help out!

:roll2: I spent a week in florida instant mom to 3 kids for 1 WHOLE WEEK
I Drove 5 hours from NY to be by the bedside of a friends dying mother, and drove 5 hours back the same day.
I have missed work to run to my sisters rescue (years past)
:run3: drive across the miles to go to dance recitals, birthday party's, friends family get togethers, house sitting, animal/dog sitting and yada yada yada!!

Not once have I asked of anyone for any help, even when in the hospital never got any visitors! I hate People they suck... LOL hee hee I am saying that in a humurous way.

Anyhow people see me as this pillar of strength, don't need anyone, etc... so they just don't worry about me.... most friends who have given birth or c-section act as if this is the same type of recovery and No big deal they did it.

Here is my plan in place so far:

8/1 I will work till 11am, Becky (co-worker at another office) will pick me up, to be at hospital 11:30,surgery at 1:30

8/3 Becky will pick me up and stay with me first night home. (she lives in Rhode Island, single mom but willing to let them do sleepover at a friends to help me out)

See I FEEL BAD people going out of their way for me...but she insist on being there for me....That is true friendship...don't ya think?

8/4 My friend Sherry from NH, will leave her 3 kids at home with Hubby and come stay with me fri-sun.

8/6 trhough 8/12 : I have no one lined up to help me out,

I have 2 people who can periodically pop Jackie before 11am (but she is single mom on a 12 year old and works 11-7pm), and Pam who is a neighbor but not real reliable, she may stop in late afternoon..but i have no commitment on that.

I won't have anyone to be with me for a chunk of time if I have any needs, or need to call upon someone. I want to be prepared for the "just in case" not panicking cuz no one is around.

8/15 The end of my 2nd week going into 3rd week of recovery, I will be schedule for a follow up with doctor so need to get ride to doc.

All this I am still trying to figure out.

ok my surgery is not for another 3 weeks and I am going to drive myself batty, all I can think about is having what I need, making list, even thinking about a recliner to sit in so I can be on the computer comfortably. I bought the bungee recliner for sitting in the sun. Like I said I am driving myself nuts, I already have a pile of "bring to hospital" and a pile of "Post op recovery clothes" LOL. Now today I sent my doctor a letter requesting that he remembers to write script at the hospital for colace, tummy binder and something for naseau I worded it "for the just in case" someone had suggested that if it isn't ordered ahead of time then you have to wait for a doctor to order it, so it just helps to have a comfortable hospital stay being prepared. I even called today to find out if I would have horizontal or vertical incision, I'm telling you I am going off the deep end. LOL. I just want to get this over with, but I should be glad I get to see Dixie Chicks on 7/29. I was hoping to move also the last week of July (I'm on vacation) and can't find an apartment so it looks like recovery will be where I'm at... Bummer!

These are my thoughts for today, need to release them here so it doesn't build up inside. No one understands. Oh speaking of no one understands, I sent an email out of desperation because I come home from the hospital on 8/3 and have no one to be with me from 6th to 11th, I really don't want to do my first week solo.... do you know out of 7 people, no one responded. Ugh, they say you know who your real friends are in a time of need, and I only have a small circle of close friends....

ok now I'm done releasing....Babble for today.

Had doc visit today, Ugh, always end up in tears at doc office, just sad...idea not giving birth to a child sux. Made me very sad, especially seeing the wall of baby pictures...enough about that! (worse things In life)

My Doc was so excited to hear me tell him I want off cigs prior to surgery So I start welbrutin, heathier outcome especially since the bronchitus and blocked lungs, don't think they have cleared yet, may have to see primary, she had to do a Neb treatment when I went in last week, and done with antibiotics.

Anyways we went over all my questions, so I have a clear idea what to expect : abdominal surgery, cervix, uterus and tubes will go, he will try to save ovaries, with the removal of the cervix, they have to reconstruct ligaments to act a support to the pelvic floor (that is what the cervix usually does) also removal of fibroids and adhesions including on the bowel, hammock inserted to support euretha, (they do 2 small incision on thigh area, and vagina), Hernia repair, expect 6-8 weeks recovery. 6months to 1 year for internal incisions to heal. Oh Yeah!

well today I had to work, but my boss let us close the office at one, I have been sitting here for the past two hours listening to all my favorite songs, volume loud and singing at the top of my lungs, it really helps to release some of my anxiety, I'm assuming that is what I have since I have been in a Mood. It does make me feel better but each song brings a memory from the past (dating memories) ya know all the times I could have been married and tried to have kids. I never try to figure out life or why things turn out the way they do, I just accept that it is what it is. ce la vie... there is a purpose for the exact moment we are where we are. I believe God has a purpose, I'm just so saddened that I won't bear my own child, God is merciful, loving and gentle, he knows our heart desires and I always prayed for the Lord to take away my lust desire's or put a husband in my life, we just can't demand for God to do that, he knows what is best. I'm sure he has a beautiful road to take me down, beyond my imagination, I know he is preparing a man out there for me and just the child to adopt. It doesn't ease my grief, I really have surpressed my feelings about this whole thing and it is manifesting itself in other ways really taxing my body...can't seem to find any outlets that really help, so I need to just let myself "feel" and let it all out. k.. I'm babbling not sure this even makes any sense... back to my music, maybe the tears will eventually come...

Today I am in such a pi@sy mood (only way I can describe), I can't remember the last time I felt like this I'm usually always in good spirits no matter what is going on in my life and no matter how lonely I may feel (I just talk to the grocery clerks for socialization..LOL) But today I am just pi@sy I can't get out of my own way, the good thing is on the rare occasions I am like this I get obsessive and clean so I accomplish quite a bit today to release some of the "pi@s" out of me..LOL I still have an attitude and need to find another project to do. Maybe its impending doom of upcoming surgery I don't /can't adequately release my feelings/fears and tears... I historically surpess, plus it's summer and beautiful and I have no companionship another summer alone, not even any friends to hang out with cuz they live far away or involved in new romances... ugh... ok I'm done with the self pity party....

I wrote this poem when I was experiencing a moment of darkness...It was my first attempt at writing a poem, and entered it in Helen Steiner Rice Award and won 2nd place and got published!

I am such an outdoor person, and a beach bunny. Last summer I would come home from work and go take a swim at the beach at 6-7pm at night, I live directly across from the ocean, and have a view of the bay on the other side of me. I have not set foot on the beach since OCT. when I became more ill with this debilitating disease. Tonight is beautiful it was low tide when I got home and you know what I'm doing? sitting here behind the four walls of my apt. I don't know why I can't motivate myself, besides the fact that I am in much pain from the hernia and the pelvic pain, My abdomen feels so full, bloated that I feel as if you poked me with a pin I would pop, the pressure is constant feelin as though my uterus is just going to fall out, and well the hernia...to be blunt I feel like a pig being gutted...the constant turning knife feeling. I appear to be a pillar of strength to the world, but feel like I am crumbling inside, I never cry, and I know I just need to let it all out. The only time I have cried during this ordeal was after I took vicadin and found myself passed out on the floor of my kitchen with a bump on my head, my neck feeling like whiplash and then laying in my own puke, and I had no one!! to call to come help me... I just lay there knocking on the wall to my neighbors hoping she would rush over, cuz I couldnt' move, I was disoriented, probably had a concusion from the fall, she never came and later said she heard the knocking but thought it was the upstairs guys who usually make a racket. I called my sister who lives in Maine 2 hours away, she couldn't do anything for me but listen to me freaked out by what just happened as I looked around the kitchen with projectile puke (sorry so graphic) everywhere!! and no one to help me!! I have never felt so alone in my life. See I moved here 2 years ago, and have not made any close friends, everyone close to me live 2-7 hours away. For example when I had my Laproscopy surgery in March, they said I couldn't drive and someone should be with me for 24 hours. I said I literally have NO ONE to take me/pick me up from the hospital, they told me no taxi, also my insurance wouldn't cover an overnight stay at hospital because of the type of surgery. I also said I had NO ONE to stay with me for 24 hours... Anyways it ended up all working out, I made it work. Well just babbling, glad to have a place I can just ramble and if someone wants to reply...it helps, and if not at least I got it off my chest.

I know hysterectomy is a very common procedure but why is it men take it so lightly, like its a walk in the park for us. Don't they realize that These are our family jewels we are talking about... what if they were told their family jewels would have to be removed... then it would be a different story wouldn't it.. hee hee hee.. I am saying this with a tone of light humor, it was just a thought, as i sit here with insomnia, going insane not being able to sleep and I have to work tomorrow!!

I work as an exec asst to the president of a 800 million $ company, (22,000 employees)owned by UK and last week we had a 3 day conference for 100 of the senior execs team, I was the event planner organizer for this so it has been exhausting, considering my mornings started at 5 am and ended at midnight. I got home friday from my trip in dire need of sleep and pain meds..since i couldn't take them during this event. Well my neighbor whom I love dearly, sweetheart and always there for me is a bit needy socially, and well me...I prefer my alone down time, so I locked myself in for the night, she acted offended by this, sending me an email saying "come on... no one sleeps this much" OHHH I was sooo frustrated because one it is none of her business what I am doing behind the four walls of my apt, if I want to sleep don't want to sleep that is my business, but also the insensitivity that I had just completely and purely running on adrenline to get me through the past 3 days of the event, in complete agony but with a smile on my face for the attendee's and doing the behind the scenes..putting out fires..literally on my feet running around the hotel here/there and everywhere... Not only with the endometrisis issue but pending hysterectomy my body is just getting worse day by day, bloat..pressure... pain.. Anyhow just venting all because of her one comment to me.... basically I just let it go, but let her know today how I felt, as I am a direct person and she needed to know. She apologized and realized it was a hurtful comment, she blamed it on the fact she had been drinking. (yes she has a few issues of her own). Well Journaling is suppose to be theurepuetic so please dont take this as a *#itch session, just simply letting out my thoughts to hopefully help me fall asleep staring at this screen in the dark... Hugs... to anyone reading!

I can't sleep, so thought I would write my thoughts here. I have 6 people who have offered their homes for me to stay and recover after surgery. Although this is a gracious act for them to open their homes to me, I can't help but think of the ignorance.. I know that sounds a bit harsh, I know they are being loving and thinking of my most immediate needs but think about this.. All of them live 2-7 hours away, so here are the issues: I should be near my doctor in case of a complication, I want to be in the comfort of my own home, bed, pillows, etc.., I will not be a pretty sight..having BM problems, possible odor, bleeding, etc.. and it would make it more difficult being in someone else's home dealing with all that. Also the emotional aspect that all of these people are married and Mom;s so why do I want to watch them being moms when I just had my chance of being a mom taken away. I'm just venting my frustration. I had one friend say to me to hop on a train after my surgery to go to Maine and stay with her... HELLO do I want to travel anywhere but the 1/2 ride to my bed. LOL.

Since I was diagnosed with 3rd stage endo at 23 (16) years ago, I have mentally prepared myself for the day that I would have to face having a hysterectomy and never experience carrying a child. To feel it kick and move inside your belly, the bonding during breast feeding. Although I believe the most beautiful gift of life is adoption and much joy can be brought into your life with any child, it doesn't make the Loss of being barren any easier. Through the years because of No husband in sight, and each year turning another age older I have had to Grieve and Mourn bringing myself to a place of acceptance that it is ok, whatever God's will for my life, I will be ok and have to accept it. I am crazy about kids and my friends kids think of me as "Auntie" and my nieces I couldn't love anymore than if they were my own. I am like the pide piper kids are drawn to me, I have so much love, compassion and patience to give to a child. Well in saying all that, my day has come, I am schedule for hysterectomy 8/1 and all these years I thought I had mentally prepared myself was a Farce, I'm not prepared, my heart is aching, even though I can intellectually say "yes" adoption is an option, it doesn't change the fact as a woman who desires marraige and children, the emotional process I will have to work through. Funny thing is, that through the years I think I believed I was invincible to this disease, I knew that invitro would probably be the way I would have to concieve given the extent to the disease at 23 but as the years passed me by I ignored the fact that it is a "disease" and I never did anything to treat it like changing my diet, or seek other options, I simply lived day to day, year to year, and took the birth control to control the endo. This past year November, I had extreme stressful family situation, and it was all down hill from there. I became ill, pain that was debilitating, sleepless nights, but also sleeping 12 hour days, I finally went to my GYN, he did a biopsy... that was the most painful experience...Clipping a piece of my ovary... I ended up having surgery 3/1 the outcome was not good news, The endo has both my tubes and my left ovary. The good news is one good right ovary, he said I was still an invitro candidate, he also asked if I had a husband in sight... NO I told him. 3 Weeks later I was back in his office having another ultra sound due to continued pain, he told me that the disease had already begun to create more tumors (cyst) on my right ovary... And I had a hyernia at the incision site because of doing too much too soon! stubborn me. UGH! The pain has gotten increasingly unbearable (and I have a high pain threshold) I went back to his office 3 months later.. upon inspection he found that due to the enlarged uterus pressing on the bladder, it has caused my bladder to fall. I agreed the best thing is hysterectomy, I have to live for today not the future, I can't hold out hope for a husband and one good ovary, besides invitro is costly and no guarantee... and if I hang on waiting I very well could lose my good ovary to the disease, so the GOOD NEWS is he can save one ovary, i wont' go into early menopause, and I won't need hormone replacement... I am tired of living a debilitating life, and not life to it's fullest, I have always been known as "woman on the go" but for the past year all I want to do is sit and veg to tv, or sleep. I want my life back that this disease called Endo has kept me captive as a prisoner in my own body. So although I have to work through the emotional trauma of LOSS and grieve the child I will never Bear, I will Rejoice in the fact that I have my health, I have love surrounding me, and I always have adoption.