Update on my follow up visit with the ENT after sinus surgery.

He took a quick look up my nose with some metal instrument and only then did I realize how sore and tender the inside of my nostrils were! OUCH! Everything seems like it's going okay. He seemed pleased.

I asked him about the gel foam stuff that he put in versus the gauze packing. He said it's put in with a syringe and squirted out into the area that's bleeding. He put more in my right side than the left because of more excessive bleeding there, which explains why I feel stuffed up on that side. He said it can take a total of four months to dissolve. Very interesting how things are done now. I'm thankful they now use this gel foam versus packing my nose and then having to remove it days later.

I go back in two weeks at which time he plans on numbing me and going up with a scope to take a look at the passage ways that he opened up. Sounds like fun! The way he opened them up is also interesting. They use something that gently slices the bone away, opening the passageways wider. He said that I have a deviated septum which is quite an ordeal to correct as far as surgery and recovery. Not something he feels I need done, I've lived with it for 47 years, I can live with it the rest of my life.

I find medical procedures really interesting, especially when they're being done to me!

My next venture is to see my GYN surgeon next week to discuss the cystocele they discovered when I had my urodynamics test done a few weeks ago (that test is a whole journal entry unto itself). I just leak a tiny, little bit of urine, so right now it's not a huge issue with me. I DO NOT want anymore surgery for at least another year. My hyst was in April of 2004, my sinus surgery May of 2005, so I'm good for another year! Plus, I was told the surgery to correct a cystocele only lasts 10-15 years!

I hadn't planned on journaling anymore because life was kind of negative and repetitive with the business financial stuff. But, surprise, surprise how the medical stuff popped back into the picture. I'll post on that stuff 'cause it may help others going through the same thing.

So I guess I'm back for a little while more.

First, I want to thank everyone that responded to Jody's post about my surgery and to everyone that has e-mailed me.

I just want you all to know that my sinus surgery went well yesterday, without incident. I see the doctor for an appointment tomorrow morning and can ask him questions.

I bled for a bit yesterday and then suddenly it stopped. He didn't pack my nose, he put in dissovable gel sponge (actually when my husband told me this, I pictured two kitchen sponges wedged up my nose). I don't feel them in there, they don't obstruct my ability to breathe, so they must be pretty tiny. I had a bit of discomfort yesterday, not horrible pain. The discomfort was the same I've been having with the chronic infection, so I was used to it. I took my Lortab's yesterday on schedule, just in case and they knocked me out.

Today I am suffering from a sore throat and very sore neck muscles. My chest also hurts and my shoulders and upper back. I'm assuming that's from the anesthesia. It seems they had a problem intubating me with the tube they first tried, it was too big for my trachea. I actually overheard this as I was coming to. When I could form coherent words I asked about it. They had the anesthesiologist come and tell me in person that it was just a matter of needing a smaller tube.

The worse part of the surgery was when they had me in the O.R. I can't believe the tiny, narrow table they had me move onto, I was terrified to move at all for fear of tumbling off! Then there were three people doing things to me at one time. They came at me from all angles! Putting EKG stickers on me, some other cold stickers that monitored my temp and putting drugs in my IV that made my arm hurt and I felt very constricted in my chest. I felt like I was having trouble getting a deep breathe. Then they stuck this humongous oxygen mask over my face, part of it covered my eyelid! They said it was oxygen, but darn I kept trying to get a deep breathe and I felt suffocated! The next thing I knew they were waking me up and telling me it was over!

They had a drip pad under my nose to catch the blood and I couldn't breathe except through my mouth. I felt once again, that I couldn't get a deep breathe and my chest felt funny. The nurse asked if I was claustrophobic....I didn't think so I told her. She brought the anesthesiologist back in the room, they looked at the monitor and someone suggested removing the nasal drip pad, the nurse removed it and I could finally breathe! They all looked happy as they looked at the monitor! They said "Oh, she's a nose breather!", then they told me my vitals improved ASAP, once I could breathe through my nose.

So I guess I learned two things about myself. Once, I must be somewhat claustrophobic and two, I am much happier when I can breathe through my nose!

I pray that this solves the majority of my sinus infections. My DH said I snored something awful last night. So obviously that didn't suddenly improve like I hoped. But, I have to be patient because I'm sure I'm swollen and still filled with dried blood. My eyes are puffy and swollen today, no bruising though.

My DS came home from college last night so I had company today and my DH took excellent care of me yesterday, then my elderly Mom came over while he ran to work. AND of course that's another story in itself! She's a trip, she came to help me and I end up making her lunch and catching her from falling. But, she means well. She actually turned 87 years old today!

Thanks again for all the prayers and positive vibes. I have been reading journal entries and keeping up with most of you since not journaling anymore. I really appreciate all the friendships that I've made here, thank you all for being there for me.

Sinus surgery is fast approaching. Surprisingly I'm not scared or even a bit shook up. Perhaps because it's outpatient. I was definitely more scared with my hyst, I was a nervous wreck. I hope and pray all goes well and this aleviates my infections and problems. We shall see.

I think it's time to end my journal journey.

I still plan on popping in and reading entries and commenting now and then but I think my time to contribute to journal entries has come to an end.

My Crown Jewel membership is up in April and my one year hysterversary is April 1st and fast approaching. And I don't feel nostalgic about that date at all. I really had no more ties to my uterus and I was ready to let it go. I still feel feminine and womanly and all that good stuff. My uterus did not define me as a woman in my eyes. Not that I don't sympathize or understand how other women feel about their loss. I just happen to be okay with the loss of my uterus, it was time to let it go and get on with my life.

I'm not sure how to explain how I feel. I had always wondered how long we were to journal and figured as long as I felt like it I'd keep doing it. Now I feel I need to move on. There are new ladies coming on board with there hyst stories and mine is over (for the time being).

Thankfully my TVH went well and I have no lasting effects of the surgery, except this fatigue. But, I'm not sure I can blame the surgery for the fatigue. I have a thyroid problem which for the most part is under control, I have battled a chronic sinus infection since October, so that definitely contributes to the fatigue and I have weight gain which doesn't help. So I'm not really sure the hyst is mainly the cause.

My ovaries are still functioning normally, I still have my PMS symtoms, which have been with me since the birth of my first child. I think after reading stories about menopause I actually am grateful my ovaries work and I have this awful PMS. I'm sure that when my ovaries decide to retire I will be back at this site for advice and help and comfort and may resume my journal.

I am grateful for the friendships I have made here and know that some of them will continue to florish outside of this site. I feel so blessed to have that. I can not completely let go and I will pop in a couple times a week to check in on my sisters.

Since I have until April 9th to journal, I may do a couple more entries, but possibly this is my last one.

Thank you to all my sisters for your unwavering love, support and comfort for this past year. I feel honored to have gotten to know you all and share this part of our lives together.

to the sisterhood!

I'm home today, being a slug.

I don't feel well. What else is new? My DH said to me this morning that I've been sick and on meds for quite awhile now. Yep, since Jan. 2nd actually.

I'm tired of not feeling well. I'm tired of taking meds. I'm tired of having reactions to meds.

For three days I've wanted to crawl out of my skin. My heart is racing to beat the band. I want to rip apart one of my beloved pets if they rub, jump, push, drool or demand one more thing out of me. And to top it all off, I'm out right exhausted, I could sleep at the drop of a hat.

The cause of this three day melodrama? Side effects of prednisone.

Yes, I'm told I'm one of the ones who are sensitive to it. But, with that out of control mutant rash, I needed to take fourteen days of it. Actually, twelve days, I won't be completing the last two days. No, I haven't called the doctor because I've been through this before. It will take a few days to get out of my system and for me to feel human again.

On top of all this I've been experiencing severe night sweats. Now, I've always had night sweats. For about two years now. I've been tested and retested over the years and told I'm not menopausal....yet. But, I wonder if it's creeping up on me rather quickly here.

I have been sleeping in barely nothing, with just a sheet on me and I wake up absolutely drenched. I mean soaked to the skin, drenched. Sound familiar anyone? It's awful. I think last night was the first night in a week that I wasn't drenched and I didn't do anything different. What does this sound like? Hmmmm, dare I even ask that question? Could this be an additional prednisone reaction? I don't think it is. Sounds pretty hormonal to me.

In April I see the endocrinologist for my thyroid check up and a week before he checks my blood. He's planning on checking my thyroid levels AND my hormone levels to see if I'm in perimenopause. He suspects I am.

I just want to feel better. I just want to feel ME again, whatever that is. Do I even remember what ME on a GOOD DAY feels like?

I know there are many of you in the same boat for whatever reason, it actually makes me feel good knowing I'm not alone in this.

One week later......the mutant rash.

The cause: Either a food, drink or odor allergy or maybe something viral my body is fighting.

No clear cut answer, but a barrage of prednisone, prescription antihistamines and an RX of allerga.

I had to put off starting the new antibiotic for the continuation of this fight with my sinus infection, because of a rapid, erratic heartbeat reaction when combined with prednisone. I originally took it together and then had the reaction and then read the leaflets that come with the scripts and then called the pharmacist to confirm. Prednisone already can cause that and since I have a heart that has an abnormal-skip-a-beat thingy already going on I didn't want to add to the sensation.

So this rash. I still itch, but not as bad. No visible bumps but I can feel a few still on my back. I'm a little concerned this might be something difficult to get rid of for some reason when the meds stop. We'll see, I don't want to think negatively.

I actually have strong suspicions that the five rounds of antibiotics, back to back caused havoc with my system. I'm sure my body is not fighting this rash the way it possibly could if my bodies flora wasn't so out of whack. I did go buy some mega strong "good" bacteria at the health food store (can't think of how to spell the name of it) and I will assault my body with that once all the antibiotics are done. If I can't cure the good flora thing on my own, I will have to come up with the money and go see our local naturopath physician, she is so good. Unfortunately, the MD's don't have a clue as how to restore the good yeast back in the body after an onslaught of antibiotics.

Worked a lot this week, but kept on top of reading everyone's journals each evening, but usually too tired to type a comment.

DS home from college this week and surprisingly he's not been out a whole heck of alot. He celebrated his 21st birthday on Wed. without any fanfare. His sleep schedule is crazy. He sleeps while we're at work and I hear him roaming the kitchen at three a.m. He's like a vampire! He's out now with two buddies at a bar to have a few beers and shoot pool to celebrate his 21st. I'm on pins and needles till he gets back home safe and sound, I guess I'll always be that way till he matures more about the partying attitude.

DH rode off yesterday with a friend to Daytona for bike week (actually they didn't ride their bikes there, they pulled a trailer with the bikes, guess that means that they're really not "real bikers&quot). Yes, he asked if I wanted to go and I just am not in that mind set right now, for that type of fun. It's like "spring break for college students'for adults". I never quite unwind the way some of those ladies do!

He's staying with a friend of ours who lives close to Daytona. He really needed to get away and de-stress from our life right now. I guess I don't feel that would benefit me, not that type of trip. A friend of mine here, suggested I need a whole week at a spa, getting pampered. The full gamut of massages, facials, wraps, soothing music, candles, healthy food and relaxing in some tropical garden with a beautiful waterfall nearby and a good book (I've added my own visions here, too).

I also commented to her that if they offered some liposuction for this extra weight I've piled on since January, then I'd schedule that trip ASAP. Yep, that sounds good to me, all of it (okay, the lipo scares me a bit, but I can't stand this stomach fat and belly bulge one more minute and I am trying to exercise and watch what I eat). I'll lose it, it takes time, more time than it took to put it on! It ain't fair!

Hope all my sisters have a wonderful weekend!

G-night~

This is my prayer for today for myself and for everyone else to share in. ~~~~~~~~

Make Me Strong in Spirit


Make me strong in spirit,
Courageous in action,
Gentle of heart,

Let me act in wisdom,
Conquer my fear and doubt,
Discover my own hidden gifts,

Meet others with compassion,
Be a source of healing energies,
And face each day with hope and joy.


- Abby Willowroot

I saw my doctor yesterday and he oohed and ahhed as he examined my skin. He said to me, not to mind him,
he was talking to himself. He's a trip!

Well, he pretty much said that it initially looked like an allergic reaction to something I might have eaten, drank or inhaled (the last one was a slim possibility). I told him I hadn't eaten or drank anything odd or out of the ordinary. Pretty much leftovers all week, salads, soups and cookies. No seafood, which was his number one thought.

Once he examined my aching throat he said, ahhhh, he did that along with me. I had spots on my tonsils. This was leading him to believe that my body might be fighting a VIRAL infection, not bacterial because I'd been on sixty days of antibiotics that kill only bacterial. My bodies way of fighting it was to break out in this itchy, bumpy rash and when it couldn't stop it then it attacked my throat. Sounds like a sci fi movie doesn't it? He compared it to little babies and toddlers. Their parents bring them in because of a rash or roseola and the doctors say that it's not a big deal at that point because it's in the babies body is in final stages of fighting some type of viral infection.

So, I left there with a fistful of prescriptions to go fill. I dropped them off at the pharmacy and said I'd be back to pick those up and the 3 I dropped the day before from the ENT. I went to work where everyone examined me and I actually made one girl start to itch compulsively.

I didn't feel good at work, I felt nauseous and I wound up having diarrhea. I hate when that happens at work, it's so embarassing.

I took my meds last night and this morning the raised bumps had gone down. Now my skin just looks like I have the measles. My face isn't swollen anymore in the jaw area. My DH kept staring at me last night and saying things like, "Look at your jaw! What's happening to your face!" I wish I could have spit out an alien, that would have sure surprised him.

I do have a fever now, it's 100, I guess it could be worse. I am also having a reaction to the prednisone the doctor gave me. I thought I'd give it another try, as I tried it in the early stages of my sinus infection and at the tail end I had reactions to it. The reactions are not pleasant. My heart beats rapidly, my hands and inside's feel quivery and I get very irritable. I think I will stop taking it because it takes a few days to get out of your system.

I'm taking Allegra and another anithistamine RX that makes you sleepy. I'm also on a decongestant and antibiotic for my sinus infection on top of my normal three meds. I have quite a layout of prescription meds.

Hopefully I'll feel better by Monday. I feel pretty yucky now, that's for sure. My Mom kept telling me it's the stress I'm under that made me break out in the rash. I told her the doctor never mentioned that, but I guess you just never know how your body will react after awhile to never ending stress.

Thanks everyone for your concerns, kindness and emails inquiring about me and my rash. I truly appreciate knowing so many of you care about me. That's a really good feeling.

I haven't been journaling much lately, I'm kind of in a slump. I know I'm in some sort of depression. It seems like we all have gone through that lately. Actually, it seems like all of us have had nothing but problems since the first of the year of some sort!

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On an ending note.....I had an eye popping experience when I stepped on the scale at the doctor's office! It scared me! I haven't weighed that much since I was pregnant! I'm embarassed to quote the figure here, weight is such a sensitive issue. But, WHOA! I know I've been home sick lately and depressed and vegetating a lot and I know I've been filling my face with comfort foods, and I know my big clothes are getting snug.....but, that digital figure on the scale was a shock!

They have the read out gizmo on a table and the wire is connected to the scale you step out on, and the digital numbers are quite large and red! The nurse stands pretty much in front of it to block the view of the people waiting to the side of us. Yuch! I have got to get rid of this weight. I didn't eat any junkfood as of yesterday. That's a start, but I have all my favorite ice cream and cookies just waiting for me. I refuse to throw them out, I will have to use my will power or ask DH to hide them....I'm serious. I know I have to start exercising, too!

I guess I need to tackle everything just one at a time. I'm exhausted just thinking of everything I just typed. I will write another time, about the positive changes DH and I noticed since DS has been home from college as of yesterday.

Off, to the couch and a good, weepy lifetime movie.

I figured I'd quickly document this strange phenomenon that is happening to my body.

It started last night after I got home from work around 8:45. A strange prickly, itchy rash. It began at the base of my back and worked it's way up. Then it started on my inner arms and onto my cheek. When I woke up this morning I am literally covered from head to toe, even as I type this, it is spreading onto the palms of my hands. My throat is also sore, almost like it's in the inside of my throat. And what's terrifying me is that in the corners of my eyes, well they itch. I also feel kind of quivery and I'm having trouble typing. It also hurts to swallow. I look.....well, strange.

I have a doctor's appointment at 10:30 a.m. I don't feel so wonderful, but I guess that's not surprising. I also saw my ENT yesterday and he's continuing me on yet another round of antibiotics for a month for this persistant sinus infection. That's going to be 90 days on antibiotics. I asked him for an RX of diflucan. I haven't started the new antibiotic yet, so that can't be the cause of my rash.

Interestingly, last night my DH came into my office stirring a small container of paint thinner. Now I have been exposed to this stuff for the past nine years but it immediately gave me a whopper of a headache. That's the only strange thing that precipitated the rash. I didn't eat or drink anything different, I didn't use any new lotions or soaps, this is very scary.

I will post an update here, when "they" know something. "They" (the doctors) scare me, because it took them a week of my suffering back in January, to properly diagnose me with a chronic sinus infection. Hopefully, they'll have some idea what's going on. On a good note I am seeing my regular FP that I just love, so hopefully he'll recognize what's going on.

I feel like I'm part of some horror movie, where the mutant germ is taking over the woman's body. AHHHH!

PS ~ I'm so glad Marilyn aka Moonchime has decided to stay here and journal with us, I told her it wouldn't be the same without her!

I received this in an email today and thought it was really appropriate for everyone here and soooo very true so I've cut and pasted it as today's journal entry! I'm not really sure what month it applies to, but I think it needs to apply to every month of the year!

Happy Beautiful Women Month to all my sisters!

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Happy Beautiful Woman Month!

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry
children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when
they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they
are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in. .
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe
there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have
them. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally. They cry when their children
excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new
marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow
at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when
they think there is no strength left. They know that a
hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart. Women come in
all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show
how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and
hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral
support to their family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL WOMEN MONTH!

I finally had a decent picture of my younger DS that I have put in my photo gallery here. It was taken about two weeks ago when he came home for the weekend from college.

He brought his "friend" and she is in the photo. She wants it to be a serious boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and he told her he doesn't want to get serious. They do have a relationship but it's very casual, she is from California and is a really nice girl. I wish DS liked her the way she likes him. He got so burned from his relationship last year that he's gun shy now. All he's focusing on is football and his buddies at school. That's his entire world and unfortunately the mini fan club of girls that's he's got following him. The coach said he's very popular with the ladies, that's my kid alright, he was like that in high school, too. Oh, boy what's a mother to do? I just want him to find a nice girl.......

If you do take a look at the photo, make sure to look in the background, over my son's shoulder. In my flower bed (where there is no longer any flowers) is my dog Petey. He was standing smack in the middle of the flower bed having a ball with the wood chips. Gotta love him!

PS ~ just added another pic of "bad dog" Petey (waiting approval), I cropped it and it's not crystal clear, but in this one he's looking right at us, just waiting for us to respond to his bad behavior.

I figured I'd do a quick update (quick, yeah right!) and follow up to all my doctor's appointments this past week and the MIA, CPA.

Number 1 ~ The visit to the ENT. I really liked this doctor, he spoke to me in layman's terms and allowed me to ask questions. He actually specializes in pedictric ENT, which I kind of liked. If he can work on those teeny, tiny sinus cavities and ear canals, then he can definitely handle my adult ones!

He looked at my CT scan and said I was pretty infected. The sinus cavities in my cheeks are the ones that are the worst, which I kind of already figured out. They hurt and there's a lot of pressure. He said there's some infection left over in the cavities around my eyes, which I kind of figured out too because of...you guessed it! The pressure and pain in and around my eyes.

So two options. The aggressive approach, sinus surgery. He didn't see any polyps but there possibly could always be one or two. He did say I have a nasal spur which isn't too bad. When they're bad they can cause headaches or migraines. After the surgery there's NO guarantee that I won't infect again.

Second option, the non-aggressive approach. Two more go rounds of antibiotics, twenty days worth. A nasal spray, a nasal wash that I have to make with baking soda and pickling salt and water, a decongestant and check back with him in a month. I chose this option. He said that's the option he would choose if it were him.

So it's wait and see if I get better.

Number 2 ~ Now onto the visit with the Endocrinologist for my hypothyroid problem. My FP doctor suggested I see him because of my fatigue and weight gain (which in all honesty, I now believe the fatigue has been due to this chronic sinus infection, the weight gain is due to sitting around fatigued and eating too much).

This doctor I wasn't too thrilled with. He's young and spoke to me in medical terms, non-stop. He just went on and on about the thyroid, in very clinical terms. When I could get a word in I asked questions to make sure I understood him. I wasn't leaving there wondering what on earth he was talking about, I refuse to do that. I used to do that when I was younger, my 40's have definitely brought me some smarts!

He wants me to go back to Synthroid. He actually thinks the Armour thyroid meds I'm on are running my thyroid too high. Almost hyper thyroid (unfortunately for me, I'm not getting the weight loss side effects of being hyperthyroid!). I am getting the rapid heartbeat and some shakes. One concern is osteoporosis. When you have too much thyroid hormone it can damage your bones. So he really was adamant about me switching to my lower dose Synthroid that I used to take. So I see him back in 3 months and get my blood checked one week prior to seeing him. He says it takes about that long for the new meds to really take effect and even things out.

Number 3 ~ Besides all that, I've been working A LOT. Our CPA is still MIA and I think DH and I have figured out why.

He wrote a bunch of checks and paid people from our company checkbook. Well, those checks are bouncing all over the place and DH and I have been feeling the heat all week from some angry people.

And get this, our dear CPA, is avoiding us. He won't answer his cell phone or office phone. He finally left us a message at work on Thursday....at six in the morning when no one is around. He said he'd be in either Thursday afternoon or Friday (of last week), because he's been suffering with.....TA DA....a sinus infection. Give me a break! Everytime he goes MIA, he uses the same excuse. I mean, I can tell him about sinus infections!!!

Well, he never showed up Thurs or Fri. DH went to his office on Friday afternoon and his wife's car and his car were parked out front, the office lights were on and the blinds open. DH knocked on the locked door and no one would answer it. DH was so furious.

The CPA has tons of our paperwork and bills, loan papers, you name it, he has it. What on earth are we supposed to do? We have to let him finish our financials and taxes, we've paid him so much already. We trusted him and put our faith in him and we told him this. Then he pulls this garbage. I have no idea what else to do with this man. We've told him to please communicate with us. And he refuses to do so. Why? He obviously avoids confrontation. Does he have some type of mental problem? I mean seriously! He works vigorously and compulsively non-stop for two week time periods and then on the third week he pulls his Harry Houdini disappearing act. There is a pattern here. It's very frustrating especially given the fact that our business is going under here and we were counting on him for some help and guidance.

Never a dull moment! The positive to all this is that I realized how valuable I am to our company. When I went into work and went through the mess the CPA left on my desk, I realized how darn organized I am. I took me about nine hours to make some sense of his mess and straighten it out. He worked there while I was sick and he's totally unorganized. He forgot to record deposits in the checkbook, he paid people when there obviously was no money to pay them. I mean I've juggled this just fine for 9 years and give him 3 weeks in my chair and he creates havoc! And he has the degree, I'm self-taught and taught by the various consultants and CPA's we've had over the years. Needless, to say I started to feel better about my abilities than I have for a long time! And it brought DH and the staff a better appreciation of my organizational skills.

I think I needed this pat on the back because I've been reflecting lately on how I wish I went to college. How if I ever have to look for a job I don't have the college education to entice a prospective employer. I probably couldn't make the money I think I'm worth because of that. Yes, I have years of experience in various areas but is that going to do it for me? I don't know. But, I do know that I have kept our business together the best I know how for a long time. And I guess that's a good thing.

Well, DS is home visiting from college this weekend (he's actually been out with friends the majority of the time and my Mom worry mode has kicked in!) and I expect a house full of young uns' tonight for the superbowl, so I'd better get off this computer and put myself together.

So ends my past weeks saga! May next week be better!

Tomorrow at 9:45 a.m. I have an appointment with the ENT. I can't wait to go and get this over with. At this point I probably will do whatever he recommends, I feel that poopy!

I don't sleep well, which contributes to the fatigue I have. I have constant pain and pressure in my face, above my teeth and between my eyes. The nasal drip is nauseating (I know, that little smilie is gross! lol) and constant. The worst part of it is, whenever I bend over to either vacuum or to pick up (like I did yesterday) a 40 pound bag of dog food at Walmart, I get really light headed, nauseated and on the brink of passing out. I know this is not normal and not acceptable. I am almost done with the third round of antibiotics.

So we'll see what happens.

I also have an appointment with the endocrinologist on Friday for my thyroid. While, I don't think my thyroid is my problem as far as the fatigue, I figured I'd better just keep the appointment and see what he thinks of my thyroid meds and what's going on.

I've been trying to do some work at home. I did stop at the shop to pick up work yesterday evening and absolutely hated going over there. I don't think I can work there anymore because of the stress it causes me. I mean I can't breathe thinking about work and the problems. Then to top it off our CPA who has been an integral part of our business this past month while I've been sick, has pulled one of his famous 'Harry Houdini" disappearing acts and leaves us in the lurch. I mean this man won't answer his office phone or his cell phone. He's doing things at work that are soooo important and then just abandons us without any rhyme or reason. AHHHHH, more stress! How can someone do this and consider themselves a professional businessman?

So, life generally kind of stinks right now. Yeah, I know things can always be worse and I truly know that. I know I have many things to be thankful for. I guess I'm kind of whining right now and I kind of want to apologize for doing that, but guess what? I'm not going to. That's what my journal is for. The good, the bad and the whining!

I honestly think that good health is one of the most important things in life. Yes, financial security is wonderful, but if you don't have your health you can't really enjoy much of anything. It's hard to deal with pressure and stress when you don't feel physically well. So three cheers to good health for all of us!

For a good year I have been poked with so many needles I feel like a pin cushion! I have had bloodwork to check and recheck my thyroid a million times and I have had bloodwork to check and recheck my hormone levels a million times.

I've changed thyroid medicines and I've tried bio-identical hormones. While it's true that I'm hypothroid (underactive thyroid) and my hormones levels are a bit out of whack (no libido) I have done what I can possibly do to help those areas.

This has been all in a quest to solve the mystery of this never ending fatigue I have been suffering from. Fatigue that isn't gone after an 8 hour night's sleep. Fatigue that has prevented me from having the energy to clean my house, or put in the normal amount of hours at work. Fatigue that has made me into a hermit, because I'm just too tired to want to go out and socialize. Fatigue that makes me look forward to going to bed in the evening while it's still only noontime.

I initially blamed the fatigue on my alien fiboids, I mean the doctors did too! Then after the surgery I resorted to blaming the fatigue on my hysterectomy. I mean what else could have caused it? It seemed like we were all fatigued?

Now it seems the culprit has been my infected sinuses all along.

I went for a CT scan of my sinuses on Friday. The doctor's office called me back with the results this morning.

Outcome: Referral to an ENT, after three rounds of antibiotics and prednisone they are still infected.

So I am glad to actually have an answer to my fatigue question. This also probably answers the question as to why I suddenly started snoring like a truck driver, too! Also, why when I wake myself up from snoring it feels like something is obstructing my airway.

But, now I'm totally freaking out! I am scared to know what the next step will be. I am terrified of sinus surgery. I've heard all the horror stories. I mean your sinuses are extremely close to your brain!

I did not wimp out about my hyst or my gallbladder surgery. I was nervous and a bit tenative but I didn't feel like I feel now. What's up with that? Is it because it's in my face?

I need to calm down and breath and do what I do best, learn all I can about sinuses. Stay informed. Ask intelligent questions. Know what's going on. Know my choices and options.

If anyone can enlighten me I would definitely appreciate it.

Yes, I saw the PA again at my doctor's office on Tuesday.

Recheck for this nasty sinus infection.

I told her that I feel better since I've not had a fever in a week, so that's a positive. But, I said that I've been having heart palps and jitters and I feel real edgy and spacey, light headed. Ahhhh, she said. It could be your thyroid meds or BINGO! the prednisone does all that. Don't take that last prednisone tablet and hopefully by the weekend the side effects will subside. Hopefully? I want this out of my body right now please! I do not like this feeling of being out of my body, out of control in some sense.

They proceeded to try to draw blood to check my thyroid levels. She thinks I'm on too much thyroid hormone. But, I say 'try' to draw blood because the lab techs were all gone for the day and the nursing assistant attempted to stick me.....several times with only about ten drops of blood filling the vial. She called the evening NA to see if she'd have better luck. Well, she stuck me several more times and finally they got one vial. I look like a battered pin cushion. I am bruised and black and blue. They finally got it out of the top of my hand which has a quarter sized black and blue that's raised. My inner arms make me look like I'm some kind of junkie!

I also have a CT scan of my sinuses scheduled for tomorrow. I am on another round of antibiotics and nasal sprays. The PA wants to find out if there is some sort of blockage, like polyps. I'm glad we're having this done, it will give me peace of mind.

On top of all this excitement I went to a meeting at the Chamber of Commerce yesterday and I am officially on the Small Business Awards committee. We were nominated last year for the award (didn't win, a funeral parlor did) but she was impressed with me and wanted me as part of this years committee. It was fun and interesting and stimulated my mind. So something new for me and good for our business, gets our name out there.

All in all I feel better than I did since 3 weeks ago, but I know I'm not 100% better yet. Now if I can get rid of this Prednisone induced fog.......... it's bad enough that I'm dealing with surgery, left over fog and having 47 years old forgetful fog.

I grabbed my coffee this morning and headed upstairs to my computer. I have been so concerned about so many of you this weekend. There has been so much unexplained pain, so much emotional duress, so much lingering healing going on.....I had to see how you all were doing this morning.

It amazes me how attached I have become to you ladies and have never actually met you (except for dear Jody and my good friend Nancy that I've known forever!). I actually was laying in bed the other night and was trying to figure out a way we could all plan on meeting in some central location for a long weekend. We could try to get some type of group rates, where it would be somewhat affordable. Or we could host a gathering in our home state every 3, 6 or 9 months. There's got to be something we can figure out. We're all pretty clever if we put our heads together. I think we'd have a terrific time!

Anyway my ers go out to all of you that are in such pain and discomfort. I hope you get answers from your doctor's appointments, that you can wrestle with your demons and make peace with them.

I thank all of you for being there for me when I'm down and out and feeling so blue. This place is so comforting and loving and I'm so grateful everyday that I have all of you!

An update to my 3 week infection that had me so beaten. I am feeling so much better!

The super-duper antibiotics and the prednisone have seemed to help. I haven't had a fever since last Tuesday, Hooray! I still am blowing my nose and coughing up stuff, but it's almost clear. I have my energy back!

Yesterday I cleaned my poor, neglected house all day. There was no stopping me! It seems like all those months of fatigue, just vanished and I was a whirlwind of mindless energy!

I dusted, scrubbed, mopped, vacuumed, washed area carpets, changed sheets, tidied rooms and even wiped fingerprints off walls. Plus, I cooked dinner and managed to have my kitchen spotless before DH and settled down to watch "Cellular". Very exciting, suspenseful and even with a few laughs, movie.

The only slight glitch in all this was that I slept poorly. You would think I would have been physcially exhausted. But, no I tossed and turned and worried all night about my younger DS at college.
I know I need to call him and check on him to make myself feel better but I'm scared. I always tend to have these premonitions when he's in trouble so I'm avoiding the phone call. That's if he'll even answer his phone or be in his room.

I found out on Friday that he didn't go to classes. He slept all day because he was out late Thursday night doing I don't know what. He hasn't gone to see the administrator in charge of the Learning Partners program that helps kids with Learning disabilities yet. He is LD in math and needs this program to succeed. His coach stressed it to him and we did. But, he says the lady isn't in her office when he's gone (one time). I hooked him up with someone to meet up with and take him to find this lady but he said he'd do it on his own, he didn't need someone taking him to her office.

So is this normal behavior for a first time, out on their own, college student? Is he just enjoying his freedom with not having his parents up his butt? Will he straighten out and focus on his classes instead of the girls? Will football be enough to motivate him to succeed? Is he partying? I don't know this yet, but I will find out.

Today, it's brutal cold outside and extremely windy. We haven't gotten hit with sleet or snow that was originally predicted. I suppose that's a good thing. A little snow would be pretty though. DH is snoozing on the chair in front of the TV and I haven't yet decided to get showered or dressed. I do feel a little tired today from my housework calisthenics yesterday, but boy did it feel good to hustle like that!

I think I will try to contact DS to put my mind at ease and give him some motherly advice.

Tomorrow is my first day back at work after missing 3 weeks. I didn't go in last week becuse Dh wanted me to get well and not have a relapse by going back so soon. I needed that time to feel better, I'm glad I stayed home.

I know this entry has bounced around a bit. But, I'm so excited about feeling healthy again and suspect my fatigue all these months was due to this brewing sinus infection. We'll see!

I was just wanting to send ers out for Kim that had her very extensive surgery today.

Also, to Julia as she struggles to control her pain at the Pain Clinic.

And of course, to the new Princesses while they recover from their Hysts.

Just a quick update on my "illness".

I saw the PA yesterday, the same one that saw me last week. She's the one I gently disagreed with on the choice of antibiotic that she was giving me. I knew it wasn't strong enough and that I didn't respond well to it. She felt I should give it a whirl anyway.
She told me to come back in a week if I still wasn't better.

So I was back in 6 days with a cough and congestion in my chest and still feeling sick. The only thing I noticed the antibiotics was helping was my fever wasn't reaching the strastophere anymore, it was gently hovering at around 100.3, and only at night. My daytimes as of Sat. were fever free!

But, I went in to see her because I was going on 3 weeks sick and 11 days out of work. She checked my chest which sounded congested but no sounds of pnemonia. She checked my ears which were bothering me. Fluid in both of them with infections starting in both of them.

She actually looked at me and said, "I should have listened to you and put you on that stronger antibiotic." My jaw dropped open, she was actually admitting she made a mistake.

Okay, now she supplies me with RXes for the heavy hitters. I got an RX for a very strong antibiotic which I never tried before and I also got Prednisone for the sinus inflammation, plus I got some strong cough syrup.

If this doesn't work it's onto a CT of my sinuses to check for a possible blockage and referral to an ENT. If the fever continues but the sinus symptoms subside then it's off to Infectious Disease testing.

On a positive note, one day after starting the new meds, I do feel better. My temperature has been normal since last night 97.5, which is normal for me.

Which this all leads me to wonder. Has my all encompassing fatigue been caused by this horrendous sinus infection that has been brewing for God knows how long?

I guess I can only wait and see how I recover. If I start feeling like the old me, only better, I may have my answer. It might not all be to blame on my thyroid or my hyst.

Today I will make my re-entry into work. I dread it because only in my most horrible nightmares can I imagine what is waiting for me. Some of my job has been picked up by our MIA Accountant that finally reappeared after two weeks (but that's another story).

I will keep my journal updated as to my recovery from this nasty infection.

Today was a very long day. We went up to DS's college to bring him the rest of his things. Our older DS and the mom of one of DS's new college friends rode with us.

I am still sick but put it in my head that I would get through the day as best I could. I wanted to see DS and of course when we got there he asked me to make him up a clean bed, which I did. I also set up his computer (I'm the person in the family that can figure out which gizmo plugs into whatever outlet). DS is still suffering from his Mono and also a sinus infection. But, he is clearly enjoying his independence and has made such a nice friend. The boy's Mom is really terrific and we've all just hit it off, it doesn't seem to matter that we're white and they're black. DS and "J" just seemed to click. That has always been the beauty of younger DS, he never has looked at a person't color, he either likes you or he doesn't, regardless of skin tone.

I did get choked up this time leaving him. It took me about 30 min. in the car and I held back the tears. For as much stress as that child has caused me the past few years....I miss his presence. He's my baby. But, this experience is good for him. I see it already, even his older brother mentioned that this is the best thing for him. So like all Mom's that have gone through this before me, I will survive.

I checked my e-mail when I got home and was pleased to discover a short note from our Julia. She asked me to relay to everyone that she is fine. She only was home for today and had a lot to do so she didn't have time to journal or e-mail everyone. She will be home next week-end and will try to journal then. She is not totally thrilled with the pain clinic, nothing momentous has happened. But, she will report, hopefully next week-end.

I'm worn out and want to sleep so badly. I have been sleeping pretty poorly lately, probably because I can't breath well. I'm going to down a capful of Nightquil and try for a few hours of solid shut eye. Usually, that lasts till about 3 or 4 a.m. and then I toss and turn till I get up.

Good-night ladies!

I don't remember ever being this sick for this long in my life! I am so tired of being sick!

I called the doctor's office this morning to see if I could possibly get in and see my regular GP. I figured things have had to calm down a bit for him since his week off last week. They tell me he's off today. He's out of town for his brother's wedding! How dare he! I need him!

Okay, I said that I'll see the PA that I saw Tuesday. Guess what? She's off today too! Okay, I said, I'll see the doctor that misdiagnosed me. Guess what? No, she's not off, just booked solid. I said, I do not want to see someone new and start all over again.

So, I made an appointment Monday for the PA and if I get worse tonight or this weekend they have clinics there, so I'll just go and see someone NEW!

The nurse did reassure me that what I was describing sounded just like what the majority of their patients were complaining about. She said it's a really stubborn respiratory and sinus infection. Everyone is complaining that they're not getting any better or responding to their meds. Well, believe it or not that made me feel somewhat better, I am not an isolated case.

I feel like h*ll! I look like h*ll! And I'm getting depressed. This infection has invaded my chest and I have heavy, mucous coughing fits. I'm short of breath and my chest hurts. Not to mention the whole sinus congestion, sneezing, running nose, can't breath out your nose thing going on. How can a nose drain so much but you can't breath through it?

And you want to hear something really gross? Sure you do. I should have bags full of dirty kleenexes but I don't. Maybe they're half full when they should be overflowing. My precious dog Petey LOVES eating Kleenexes, fresh new ones OR dirty ones! He eyes them on top of my night table from my nocturnal emissions and he zooms right in on them before I've even gotten out of bed and had a chance to remove them. He snatches them off that table top so quick and then shoots underneath my bed to enjoy his stolen treasures. Go figure?

I overdid it yesterday. I went to my chiropractor at 10:15 for the second time this week. I have to say, after I get an adjustment from him my nose drains for hours. It's amazing. But, I decided while I was out to go on the hunt for all the things DS still needs for his college dorm room. I didn't get home till about 4:15. That tells you what I did to myself all day.

But, I did manage to snag him a floor model mini fridge at Sears, it was discounted because it had a slight scratch on it. I got him the rest of his bedding at Target. Walmart provided me with a $29.00 microwave and a cheap flat screen monitor for his computer. Also, I got his drinks, P & J stuff, chips, canned ravioli, microwaveable soups, and mac and cheese all at Walmart. This child will never go hungry at midnight. I think it's my Italian upbringing that makes me want to supply him with mega tons of food.

Office Max had a small computer printer for $49.99. And at the phone store I got him and I cell phones. The one he has now, he doesn't get ANY service in the town where he's at school. I got a good deal and free cases and a good plan for the two of us. I hated the provider with were with, I won't mention names, very overpriced! Plus, I couldn't call DS and harass him! Now I can! Yipee! :dance2:

DS is enjoying college life immensely! He loves his independence. I never had any worries about him making it on his own. He's very self reliant and independant. But, I am starting to feel his absence. Especially, that I'm home sick with just my dogs and cat for company. This big house if very empty now. DH works all the time..... I'm starting to feel depressed and sorry for myself. I'm analyzing my life and my marriage. (but, that's another journal entry). I'm starting to whine and nag a bit to my DH....

.....and I don't want to do that. I really don't. But, I know what I'm feeling is normal and I need to allow myself to feel it. I just wish I wasn't sick because then I'd be busy with work and my normal routine.

I think I'll end this entry now I'm feeling the need to rest. I wish I had a bit of energy to vacuum my house. I have never seen dust bunnies this huge before, they're getting really frightening!

I will try and rest today so I can make the trip tomorrow to DS's college with DH and the nice lady we made friends with last week. If I feel really bad I won't push myself but I'd like to see DS and scope things out.

Yep, can you believe it! I have been suffering and getting worse for over nine days when I could have been treated for nine days! Before I disclose the real culprit to my horrible physical tortue, here's the sequence of events.

First, I didn't go see the endocrinologist. They called on Monday to confirm my appointment on Tuesday. I told them what was going on, that I was DXed with Mono. Well, the girl on the phone threw up the big crucifix and said, "We need to reschedule, you're contagious!"

Which was just fine with me. I wanted to be clear headed when I saw the specialist, I wanted to ask intelligent questions and remember his answers. Right now I know I can't do that.

So I called my GP and left a message at noon on Monday. By 5:30 no one called me back so I called again and was forwarded to voice mail. My regular doctor was on vacation last week and his nurse was overloaded with messages they explained to me.

I knew I needed to see someone. I certainly was getting no better, actually worse. I had pain in my upper teeth on the left side of my face whenever I bit down. My congestion was getting worse and my facial pain. Sores inside my mouth. Nausea. My left eye kept running and burning. And that good 'ole fever was my constant companion from 99.5 to 102.6 everyday, all day.

Finally, I left another message on Tuesday morning and got a call back an hour later. Yippee! An appointment to see the female PA, my doctor and the doctor I saw last week were booked solid. Lots of people are sick!

So I dragged myself into the shower, which I deperately needed but had no energy for. I even put on some make-up (if I didn't they would have thought I was dying on the spot, mega pale with dark circles!) and I blowed dried my hair into some semblance of a style.

The PA listened to my spiel which I had memorized since I had left so many messages the past two days. She ordered more bloodwork. Mono, liver, CBC and urine tests. They took my blood and I waited and waited. I curled up on the exam table, then got up and paced. I just was in no mood to wait for what I already suspected she was going to tell me.

She came back in and said the urine was negative, the CBC was not bad, the liver test wouldn't be back till the next day and the big surprise.....TA DA, the Mono test was negative!

We kind of both looked at each other and said 'sinus infection' at the same time. I mentioned to her that I told the doctor last week that I was prone to sinus infection and it kind of felt like it could be that. The PA jumped to the doctor's defense right away by saying that, "I think that 'everybody' got sidetracked because your son has Mono." She handed me two RXes for an antibiotic and something to help with the congestion and cough and said call next week if you don't get any better.

I have had sinus infections really bad before, where I was treated with antibiotics for four months but it wasn't even half this bad.

It blows me away to think that this infection is so bad to cause my temperature to hit 103.0, that my body is working so hard to combat it. That this infection is now involving my teeth and eye drainage and it was ignored for 9 days without antibiotic.

I understand that doctor's go by symtoms and what you've been exposed to. My normal doctor knows my history and I feel certain, even if he thought I had Mono, he would have also given me antibiotics for my sinus symtoms. The other doctors look at me like I have two heads, when I explain that I know my body. Just like with this PA, she prescribed me Amoxicillin. I told her that I don't respond to that. I need the heavy hitters. She said that the dose she was prescribing is what ENT's now recommend to try first.

So we'll see. I hate to think I'm going to get no where while I finish this RX. But, I have to think positive and think that this will kill that infection or at least put a dent in it.

They explained to me about Mono test. Normally, when you're first exposed your blood tests will come back negative, but you will display symptoms of Mono. It can take awhile for the blood tests to come back positive. I do remember my older DS going through that at 16 with his blood results.

The thing is I didn't have the classic Mono symtom. Severe sore throat.

So I feel stupid for annoucing here, that I had Mono. I'm sorry for getting my dear friend all worried while she recuperates from her TAH.

Well, the good news is that I'm not contagious. This is my own little private infection and no one gets to share it with me!

I feel pretty miserable and need to rest. This really has taken the wind out of my sails. I have never experienced fatigue like this in my life, it's different then when I was recuperating from surgery.

That's my update. I'm gonna go vegatate in front of the TV now and watch mindless daytime TV. AHHHH!

Younger DS is safely moved into college. Yesterday was exhausting but believe it or not....I didn't shed a single tear. I can't figure out why I haven't.

We took the 2 and a half hour ride there (it should take 3 hrs, but DH is a speed demon). There was very little conversation going there. DH refused to speak to DS, he's still angry at him for the way DS spoke to him (disrespectfully) 2 weeks ago. I was kind of glad for the silence, at least no arguing between the two of them. It bothered DS. He tried to initiate conversation but DH was very stubborn and extremely sensitive to whatever DS said. I could see DH get ticked off about something DS did say, luckily he didn't start an argument.

When we got there the coach was outside the main building and gave DS a very loud and excited greeting. It took about 3 hours to get through the process of checking in, financial aid, housing and photo i.d.s. We got DS's stuff up into his room just in time to run and get something to eat.

DS's room is on the fourth floor! His room is pretty large and clean....but the bathroom who he shares with his roommate and two other guys was....gross to say the least. I didn't clean, don't worry. I couldn't imagine even attempting to clean because those stairs wore me and DS out. DH who smokes and is overweight actually sounded better than the two of us. I only made one trip up to the room to bring stuff. DS went twice and was red-faced, sweaty and breathing hard. The Mono was evident.

The cafeteria wasn't officially opened yet, they just cooked up some minor things so the new students and parents could eat. That boiled hamburger patty and cold fries never tasted so good to me!

DS made a friend right away and we hit it off with his Mom, who lives about 45 minutes from us. He was also recruited to play football. The same position as DS! We plan on helping her move her son's computer, refridgerator and microwave this coming week-end. She doesn't have a truck. We have to bring DS some major stuff also, so we figured we could all ride together. She was so appreciative!

By the time we left last night I was worn out and DS looked exhausted. Although I found out this morning that he stayed up till 2:00 a.m. hanging out with his new friend!

Yes, DS called me collect this morning after his placement tests. Mainly to ask for things he needed and to put some money into his account. He drained whatever cash he had on him last night after we left. His new friend and Mom took him to Walmart for some things he forgot and needed ASAP. Hangers, flip flops and lightblubs. He did tell me that he tried to clean his bathroom with the Lysol wipes that I made him bring.

Everything I recommended he bring, he pooh-poohed. He told me I was being too much of a 'Mom', I needed to chill out. I did sneak him kleenex and toilet paper, which he definitely needed! He didn't thank me for that stuff this morning but admitted he was glad I sent it.

Healthwise I still feel bad. I'm still running fevers although the frequency and how high they were have slowed down. I am having pain in my right side, up near my ribs. I have no gallbladder so I'm concerned about my liver. I'm also getting cold sores or ulcers inside my mouth and I feel a head cold coming on. Does this sound like Mono stuff? Or is it just that my immune system is so low that I'm open to whatever else feels like infecting my body?

I see the endocrinologist tomorrow. I'm not sure I should keep the appointment. That appointment was in regard to my thyroid problems.

I don't know what to do.

Work stuff is piling up. There are important bills to be paid and our accountant who was helping out so diligently for awhile has gone MIA again. No phone calls no nothing in two weeks. Oh, I shouldn't say nothing, he sent a fax over with some excuses and told us what he had been working on for us. I assume that's to cover his butt when he presents us with a bill. The last time we saw him was exactly two weeks ago when he was leaving for lunch. He told DH he'd be right back and never returned. And never called. We leave message after message and he doesn't answer his phone or call back. What is up with that? We just don't get it.

My house looks like a hurricane has been through it. I haven't cleaned it since before Christmas!


Well, I think I'll go. I've kind of babbled about a few things here.

I'm still not responding to many of your journal entries, I apologize. I'm spending very minimal amount of time at the computer.

I hope everyone else is feeling better from their woes and maladies. Just remember, 2005 is eventually gonna look brighter!

I just wanted to do a quick entry and let everyone know I'm still lurking around, but on a very brief basis. I went to the doctor and she diagnosed me with Mono. They tested for the flu and strep, both negative. I'm reading your journals but not responding very much, I'm actually too tired.

I have been very sick. Thankfully my throat is not like my DS's, but my fever is out of control. It was 103.3 yesterday afternoon and it took 3 advil to get it down to 100.9. I don't function very well with fevers. My body hurts pretty bad along with my head.

My poor DS is still miserable, his throat is really feeling weird, as he describes it. He said it feels like it's swelling up. I told him to let me know if he has trouble breathing 'cause we'll be going to the doctor or the E.R. ASAP!

I'm not sure how we are going to manage to move him to college on Sunday. I wanted to shop this week for things that he needs for his dorm room, as this is the first time he's going to school away from home. If anyone can make suggests as to what is the basic neccesities for boys, I would appreciate it. I'm thinking of course of his bedding for a twin bed, toilet paper, shower stuff, and hand soap. I know he'll need a refridgerator and a microwave. Anything else I'm not considering? He doesn't want to take much. He said give him a week there and he'll report to me what he needs. Boys. I like to be organized and prepared. Oh, well.

Well, I'm gonna go and rest. This has wiped me out.

I'm too old for this stuff!:cry:

I managed to get all the Christmas decorations down by yesterday. It took me two days, when I normally do it in one. All my neighbors, except two had their outdoor decorations down on New Years Day! I felt like a real oddball! But, I haven't been feeling well, so I have an excuse.

My younger DS who goes away to college this Sunday is home sick. I finally got him to agree to see the doctor yesterday after weeks of him complaining of sore throat and fever. I knew he must be in pain to consider seeing the doctor. His throat is so bad that he can only drink fluids and broth.

Well, he was tested and he has Mono. They want to do an ultrasound of his spleen, which can become enlarged with mono. I think their concern is that he plays contact sports and the spleen can burst upon any impact. He doesn't want to do the ultrasound, he said he won't be playing contact sports till the summer. He is so stubborn.

But, since Sunday I have been more fatigued than the norm. Can you actually believe that? I didn't think I could be even more tired than usual. I took a five hour nap on Sunday! But, I also had a low grade temp. Yesterday the same thing except the fever was higher.

Did I rest yesterday? No. I ran to the grocery store for some ingredients to make chicken soup and get lozengers, gatorade and ice pops for DS. Of course I bought more stuff than just that. Can anyone ever go in for just what they need and not come out with more?

Well, anyway, I'm getting off the subject. I also had to run some other errands and before you know it I'm in the kitchen cooking and taking down the outside wreaths and all of a sudden the day has flown by. I was wiped out. I conked out while watching a movie.

I was really upset with the doctor for not giving my DS something for his throat. He was more concerned with his spleen. Yes, I know the spleen is an important organ (what does it exactly do?) but his throat was killing him and he hadn't eaten in two days. Well, I went into protective lioness mode and I called the doctor's office and got the night clinic. They told me to give him prescription doses of Advil, four every six hours and on the third hour give him Tylenol. Well, he did that and it helped ease his pain. He managed to get some solid food down.

Now for me. I have a fever this morning with a severe headache and body aches. My throat is a bit scratchy and my nose stuffy. I called the doctor's office they said I could have mono. They want me to come in today and get checked out for it.

Oh, great! I may have the 'kissing disease' and I haven't even been making out with anybody (no libido does that to you)! No, honestly I do know that it can be caught just by exposure to mucus or saliva.

So off I go to yet another doctor visit. It seems like after reading journal entries today that a lot of us are starting our New Year off feeling kind of lousy. Actually, not kind of, very lousy! Migraines, ear infections, flu, colds, open incisions, upcoming additional surgeries and overdoing it swelly belly (Mei)!

So much for my pledge to exercise and walk, I'm having trouble just climbing my stairs my legs hurt so bad.

So I will have to put off the great work out plan until I feel better. Good thing is that I don't feel like eating like I normally do. That could have been treachorous for me, sitting home sick with an appetite!

We rang in the New Year very quietly. It was just DH and I at home and our furry family. I was in our bedroom sleeping to the TV and when last I looked DH was playing around with his keyboard upstairs.

Suddenly, I'm being vigorously shook. It's DH saying something like, "Oh, thank God! I didn't know what was wrong, you wouldn't answer me! I thought you were dead! It's 3 more minutes till the new year! Come inside the living room!" Then he was gone in a flash.

I lay there kind of dazed and trying to think coherently. I flipped the channels on the TV in our room and watched Regis do the countdown. I lay there a few more minutes and staggered into the living room to my DH. I asked him why he just hadn't left me alone and let me sleep. He said he wanted me to come into the living room with him and watch the ball drop on TV, so he could kiss me. I leaned over and kissed him, smiled and said "I'm going back to bed, can I sleep now?" He gave me a big grin back and said "yes, you can sleep now".

Did I sleep? NO WAY! I was wide awake for another two hours, tossing and turning and flipping though the channels. DH spent the night sleeping in front of the TV in the living room, we were both kind of groggy this morning, you would have thought the two of us had some wild night!

But, we started the New Year out following through with our pledge to get healthy. We took Petey and took a 2 mile walk (4,000 steps on my pedometer) through our neighborhood. We got attacked by our neighbor's, German Sheppard, which was about three houses up the road. He has an invisible fence with a shock collar on the dog, but this dog without fail crosses it everytime.

He came bounding into the road to attack Petey who was on a leash. I started screaming and my DH was having no big bully of a dog hurt our lovable Petey. DH started yelling at the dog and made him get back on his property. Petey's hackles rose and he was snarling and barking wanting to protect us but we dragged him away. The rest of the walk was uneventful until we had to pass the German Sheppard's house to get back home. Again, he came charging for us and again DH charged at him and he backed off.

This is pretty much why I don't walk our neighborhood. This dog scares me to death! He's huge! He has chased my car down the road before and I heard that he bit a child. I'm thinking of reporting him.

But, this walk proved to me how out of shape I am. I initially didn't feel so great after the dog charged us, my head started to hurt, I figured it was my blood pressure raising a bit. I was also winded, as our neighborhood consists of lots of hilly roadways. I was also pretty sweaty, but very proud of myself for insisting we do what we said we were going to do. DH was kind of getting stuck in front of the TV till I coaxed him to walk with me.

So we will see if we can stick to walking. I'll pick up my Mom later and we'll go to the mall to do some Christmas exchanges. I'll wear my pedometer and see what kind of steps I total today.

I feel too uncomfortable with my body lately. Going to the doctor's office Tuesday and stepping on that scale told me what my tight waistband was telling me. I had put on another five pounds to the already twelve pounds I wanted to lose. That's now 17 pounds that I need to lose to feel comfortable in my body. I know I won't every get down to the weight I was in my early 30's, I won't have those expectations, I just want a realistic one. And 17 pounds is realistic. Now to stop eating all the crap food!

All I can do is take it day by day. Anyone care to join me in my quest for healthier eating and exercise? Just sign up here.

Well, I thought that I wouldn't do another entry for 2004, but after reading this in today's paper I couldn't end the year without sharing it. It is a poem by humorist/poet Sam Levenson who wrote it for his grandchild ~

TIME TESTED BEAUTY TIPS

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; never throw out anybody.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

I figured I'd join everyone else in reflecting on the happenings of 2004 and my prayers for 2005.

There have been lots of battles and mountains to climb. Actually, I'm still climbing many of them.

The biggest one is the struggle of keeping our business going. This has been one of the major stress inducers in my life. We're still unsure of the outcome but I don't think it looks very hopeful.

The second biggest stress inducer is our younger DS. He has been in trouble so many times. He continues to party even after escaping two horrible car accidents related to drinking. He doesn't drink and drive any longer because we let him borrow an extra car just to use to go to work and to the gym. So he can't drink and drive....no car. I worry about him constantly. But, God has gifted him with a second chance by giving him the opportunity of going away to college and playing football, his true love. So we will see if he takes this second chance and runs in the right direction with it.

My older DS, is a fantastic young man but he is going through relationship issues and job issues, but he's surviving. He talks to me and trusts my opinion. I know he will do fine.

My 86 year old mother. What can I say about her? I've filled many a journal entry with my ranting and raving about her immaturity at times and the way she loves being a martyr. As Kim said to me recently, "It's amazing at her age, how she can work a room". So perfectly said. But, I love her and I know that the day she is gone I will miss her terribly. She's my Mom and she loves me with all of her heart and soul, she would give her life for me. She loves her daughters and grandsons fiercely! Sometimes to a fault!

My relationship with my DH? We've been through a lot in our 22 years together, some good and some very bad. But, when times are tough we pull together as a team and seem to get closer. Our marriage is a work in progress. Sometimes I think I'd be better off without him and then I wonder what on earth was I even thinking, I love the man! All I can say is we'll see what happens because sometimes the man can be the biggest ***** (and he knows it but then he thinks I can be the biggest nag and I know I can sometimes, BUT only if he'd just do what I say, we'd be just fine).

My health. My alien fibroids are gone along with my uterus and cervix. Saturday, January 1st will be 9 months post op. I can truly say that I don't regret my decision to have my hysterectomy. I don't have any abnormal pain. Plus, I don't have that annoying bleeding everyday of the month! That's the best part! Plus, with my cervix gone I don't have that horrendous discharge which was so embarassing. I still have functioning ovaries and no menopause in site! Now the problem. My thyroid. My fatigue. My weight gain. My depression. All probably related. Hopefully, the visit to the endocrinologist on Jan. 11th will be helpful....another wait and see.

Hystersisters. I am so thankful that Kathy had the wisdom and the creativity to put this site together. I am so grateful to meet all the wonderful ladies I've met here and made friends with. I thank each and everyone of you for your love and support!

My strength. I thank God for giving me the strength and the patience to get through these challenging times. I know that these struggles are happening for a reason. Everything does. I just don't quite know yet what the reasons are. Everything we go through in life is a lesson. When I look back at the many things I've been through, I realize how much I've learned from the experience. How much I've grown from it. Those things have made me who I am today and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I pray that all of us have a better and new and improved New Year! And that all of you stay safe. See you back here in 2005!

Much love and s to all of you!

jeanette

The last two days have been pretty hectic for me and I haven't been able to journal or read journals. I have had hystersisters withdrawal symtoms!

I went for my annual mammogram on Monday morning and then off to work till late. On Tuesday morning I went for my annual GYN check-up and then off to work till late.

After my exam yesterday, as I sat in the nurse practicioner's office waiting for her to come in and talk to me, I browsed through my chart laying on her desk. Gosh, did I feel guilty! But, I figured it's my chart and I can see it if I want to! I kept an ear out for her or her nurse to come out of the exam room they were in so I could put the chart back down quickly. I heard someone coming and sat there examining my nails. I'm sure I didn't look guilty.

Her nurse passed the room then came back and promptly went to my chart! She was putting my mammogram report on top of my chart that had just been faxed over! Oh, goody! Something else for me to sneak a peak at!

It's different reading then what I usually get in the mail. My letter just says that my mammogram was normal and to come back in one year. Her report described my breast tissue. I guess I'm so used to my male doctor that did my surgery giving me news (which is typically very general and vague), that's why I wanted to read the report myself.

I shouldn't have feared because when "W" the nurse pract. came in the room she read me the whole report and described it for me. She's amazing!

Thankfully everything was normal. Although my breast tissue was more nodular than usual. "W" felt it was hormonal because my breasts were tender. She even told me I have young breast tissue! WOW! I told her they sure don't look too young to me! She thought that was hysterical!

My GYN exam went well and was normal. My muscles and bladder are fine, no problem there. We discussed my possibly going into menopause because of these hot "experiences" I've been having. I mean enough to drive me onto my porch in bra and underwear in ten degree weather! So "W" ordered the mega, gamut of blood work, four vials to be exact. Besides checking all my hormone levels, she also checked my thyroid level (I'm hypothroid), liver functions and cholesterol levels.

"W" really thought that I was starting menopause. She told me that when you have a hyst and keep your ovaries and you manage to avoid surgical menopause, sometimes menopause happens earlier than it normally would. Being without a uterus prompts the body into an earlier menopause in some women, EVEN if you have your ovaries. Well, this was news to me. My male doctor/surgeon NEVER told me this. Oh, great I thought!

Well, at 9:00 this morning my phone rang and it was "W" calling with my blood work results. I was impressed that she called me personally. Normally, I get the nurse calling and giving me my results in a monotone voice. Any questions I have has to be written down and given to the doctor to be answered on another day and called back to me by the nurse and not necessarily the same nurse.

So I was pleasantly surprised to hear the person who actually examined me and spoke to me about 'me' calling me about my results.

All in all everything was within normal range. My cholesterol was 226, which for me is wonderful news! And this was not a fasting test. I have been eating terrible lately. Lots of cheesecake, cookies and rice pudding. Real cholesterol boosters. I had a test taken a few years ago and I was fasting and it was in the 280 range. So this was good news.

Also, I am NOT menopausal. My ovaries are functioning just fine.

The test that was off was my thyroid. It's running too high. This can cause fatigue because it interrupts your sleep and it can throw off your body temperature not to mention your heart rate and blood pressure. Ah, ha! Maybe the true culprit here.

So off to see an endocrinologist next week. Another doctor visit, but at least we might be getting to the source of some of my fatigue and hot flashes.

"W" wants me to call her back in a few weeks and let her know how I'm feeling. She wants me to discontinue my bio-identical hormones which contain testosterone, progesterone, and DHEA. She thinks that may be causing my nodular and tender and let's not forget "young" breast tissue. She's willing to try me on some testosterone for my low libido at a later date . She did want to remind me that my libido would not be the same at 47 as it was at 27. Well, I knew that. The thing is I have NO libido. She also said that my libido would be different than my DH's. I told her I knew that too, under normal circumstances. But, my DH has hardly any libido either. She laughed and said she'd put him on testosterone, too!

So that's my update on my annual exams. I will be interested to see what the endocrinologist says and does. I am so used to being blown off by doctors regarding my thyroid. Hopefully, since this is his specialty he will give me some TLC. "W" wants to know how he treats me and what he recommends. At least I have her support.

I've been really busy these past two days and have had my annual mammogram and my annual GYN visit, which I'll get into another day. I wanted to just let everyone know about Nancy's (aka NancyLeeIL) surgery.

She had her TAH at 12:15 this afternoon and I spoke with her husband this evening. He said that the surgery went well. They did find more scar tissue than anticipated (I'm assuming from her c-sections) and she lost a good bit of blood but didn't require a transfusion. It took them awhile to get her into a room but she was finally settled in and I believe must have a morphine pump (he said they were giving her morphine). He said she was very happy. I'm wondering if he meant from the morphine or because the surgery was over, or probably both. She also was able to keep her ovaries, no problem with them.

If all goes well she'll be discharged on Thursday. I'm sure she'll be back at her journal this week-end.

I'm so glad she made it through her surgery well, without any complications. Nancy had some concerns because of her weight and she made me a bit nervous about it, too. So thank God she is okay. Plus, now she is officially a recuperating princess.

I'll journal more tomorrow, I have some interesting information from my GYN's office, I saw the nurse practicioner, who I just adore!

Till tomorrow ladies!

All in all everything went well and as planned. Everyone enjoyed Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas Day dinner. There were plenty of laughs and total chaos when 8 people all at once were opening gifts. I think everyone was pleased with what Santa brought, not too many returns to be made. My DH did very well in choosing his gifts to me, I love everything he got me!

There was only one slight glitch in the festivities.

My 86 year old mother.

Needless to say I felt like I was dealing with a bratty, pouty five year old for two days.

I kept my cool and was patient and probably, too, tolerant of her behavior.

What would set-off such behavior in a supposedly mature, elderly woman?

My older DS's girlfriend.

His girlfriend did absolutely nothing to provoke my mother. My mother just does not like this girl. When my mother doesn't like someone that dates a member of her family.....well, all h*ll breaks loose. My Mom did this to my sister and I when we were teenagers and in our early 20's. Her behavior this weekend did not bring back very pleasant memories.

Friday night my mother was in a frenzy because younger DS picked her up and rushed her out the door. She was not ready yet. I don't know why, she had plenty of time to prepare, but my Mom isn't organized and usually runs late. She's very inconsiderate of time frames. So when she arrived at my house she still had to change her clothes, which she brought with her.

Older DS and girlfriend arrived at the same time. Mom didn't like this, she didn't want to be seen not dolled up. So Mom proceeded into my house, stomped past me and plunked herself down in my kitchen, folded her arms across her chest and refused to move. She kept muttering about how she didn't feel well, how she didn't feel like getting dressed up, why should she get dressed up when no one else was, etc. etc.

I stood there just flabbergasted at her pouty behavior. I gently coaxed her to use my bedroom to change her clothes and fix herself up. Then she announces that she forgot her bra. She actually was in her bathrobe, with a coat over it. I found her a couple of bras to try on. I was quite patient with her, just like you would have to be with a toddler.

This whole scene threw me off schedule in my kitchen and I overcooked my stuffed flouder fillets. Which Mom complained about at dinner!

When my sister arrived with her DH, Mom still wasn't ready, I had to usher her back into the bedroom to fix her makeup. She was so distracted. This is just Mom, she gets very off course. My sister and I swear she has ADD.

Mom did not greet my sister in the normal fashion, she started grumbling to her immediately.

During dinner Mom pouted that she wasn't very hungry, that the flounder was tough and that she didn't want pictures taken of her. The photo's taken shown a frowning face, just a miserable woman. I was so pleased to have my Mom's favorite dessert on hand and my DS spooned her out a bowl of homemade rice pudding. Mom took one mouthful and stated that it wasn't creamy enough, she didn't like it and didn't want to eat it.

Prior to the gift exchange we set up chairs around the Christmas tree. Mom was in the bathroom while we did this and took our seats. Mom came out of the bathroom and stated how awful we were. We chose seats before she had a chance to and now where was she going to sit? DS's girlfriend pointed out a folding chair right next to her, but Mom said she didn't want that chair, she wanted a 'better' chair. Then when DS's girlfriend handed my Mom the gifts she had gotten her and asked her to open them first, well, Mom would have none of that. She told DS's girlfriend that she would open the gifts she felt like opening, when she felt like opening them.

This went on all night.

The next morning my Mom apologized to my sister and I for her behavior. So I figured Christmas Day would be better.

I was wrong.

DS and his girlfriend came back over and my Mom started again. This time it was in the form of being critical of the girlfriend's attire. My mother would make snide remarks to me everytime DS's girlfriend left the room. And then my Mom started with her jealousy.

Jealous everytime my sister or I spoke to the girlfriend. My Mom gave my sister a look of pure evil when my sister and the girlfriend were conversing very quietly in my kitchen. My Mom felt like if she weren't hearing the conversation then it must be about her. I scolded my Mom for the look she gave my sister. It actually sent chills up my spine because it reminded me of a time in my life I'd like to forget.

I know this sounds like I am describing a crazy, vindictive, senile woman. And you may think it's due to her age. You're wrong. My mother has always been like this when she doesn't like or approve of someone. So this is normal behavior for my Mom.

I think this is why I don't have many friends. Mom is jealous of anyone I associate with. If I don't give Mom all of my attention on my day's off and god forbid gave it to a friend......well, I would hear about it and so would everyone else.

I think I will probably have more friends that I can socialize with on a more casual basis when Mom passes away. I guess that sounds terrible, but I will be free to live my life without her being jealous of other people in my life. My sister lives three hours away and has more freedom to live her life without Mom knowing what's going on in it.

But, I love my Mom and she loves my sister and I fiercely and maybe a bit too possessively. I know I will sorely miss her when she's gone. I just wish I knew what I could do to prevent my Mom from reacting this way to DS's girlfriend besides just not inviting them at my home at the same time. That is not possible on holidays. She's 86 years old and I guess we will never get her to change. I will try to talk to her and let her know how poorly she acted. Then she'll feel bad, and maybe next time she'll think twice. I guess I can hope.

Today I feel exhausted. I want to spend time with my sister, without my Mom being present but that will be impossible. My Mom is also jealous of my sister and I being alone together. This only started after my Dad died six and half years ago.

Actually, it's going to be an effort for me to even shower and get ready and go out. We were thinking of tackling the mall to return some things, but that probably is a crazy idea!

I hope everyone else had a peaceful and joyous Christmas with their families and avoided any conflicts or unpleasantness.

I can't wait till tonight so I can go to sleep!

I am hoping everyone has a wonderful Christmas with their families!

I am expecting my sister and her husband in tonight, we will do our family ritual on Christmas Eve. In the Italian tradition you feast on all kinds of fish and linguine and clam sauce (or whatever you choose) on the Eve, you open presents after midnight and typically go to a midnight mass. Tomorrow will be more comfortable and not a big ordeal, just a spiral cut ham and some side dishes. The guys will watch football and my sister, mom and I, and probably DS's girlfriend may just watch some chick flicks. Tonight will be more dress up and festive.

So what on earth am I doing sitting on my butt in front of this computer? I need to be cleaning my house a bit, make it presentable, I need to pick up dessert which we ordered (NY cheesecake w/cherries, and homemade rice pudding) and get myself showered and fixed up and try to squeeze a nap in there somewhere. But, I can't go a day without checking into the journals and seeing how everyone is doing and making sure you're all okay.

So until Sunday and Monday ladies, have a terrific holiday weekend!

Wow, I came online tonight and the journal site is restructured. I think it's a great idea.

I especially love being able to look at all the recent entries so easily. Now I won't feel like I've missed something in someone's life that was important.

I have put myself in the 'FIBROIDS' category. That is basically what caused all my problems. Yes, I would get cysts on my 'left' ovary and I still do. I constantly got polyps on my cervix which the doctor would yank out everytime I visited him, prior to my hyst.

As of December 1st, I was 8 months post op. I don't regret my TVH one bit. The only after effect that I suffer with is fatigue. Up until about a month ago, I would get a twinge like cramp now and then, otherwise no pain. The best part is no bleeding. AND without my cervix I no longer have to wear a panty shield every single day due to heavy discharge. I forget the condition of my cervix, but it was the cause of the uncomfortable discharge I suffered with all the time. I feel free. No more taking BCP's and the fears that that caused.

I pray that one day I will have my old energy level back, until then, like Moonchime said, I don't let the dustbunnies upset me. I rest when I can. Those dustbunnies will wait for me, they certainly aren't going anywhere.

First of all I was so excited to see my dear friend Nancy's first journal entry this morning. I knew she hasn't been feeling well this week, her fibroids are causing havoc, so I was skeptical of her journaling till after her hyst next week. But, her journal entry showed everyone what I always knew all along, that she's a wonderful, thoughtful, insightful person and she brings those wonderful gifts to 'journal land'.

Second, we received a wonderful gift this morning at work. Now I'm not even there yet, I'm still goofing around on the computer, but my whole family called me to inform me of the news.

My younger DS who has had such difficulties lately, first with his 2nd DUI and then the beer bottle over the head incident (which the judge found him NOT guilty of last Thursday in court!). I have been fearful for him. Not just the destructive path he seemed to be going down, but the depression that he's under right now. He had a meltdown last Friday and freaked out and cried to me about how awful his teen years and life lately has been. Basically, what a loser he is and he should just take a gun and end it all. I prayed that that was just talk but I feared for him and I prayed constantly for God to save him from himself.

Well, someone walked into our shop this morning and asked for my DH who got my DS on the cell phone and told him to haul his butt ASAP back to work....for good news.

It was a college coach that DS had talked to back in April '04. He had wanted DS back then for a new football team, but the local college lost their accreditation and the coach left the school. Well, he's at another college now and wants DS. He is recruiting and he wants DS to start the 2nd semester and be there Jan. 5th. He says DS is in, we need to visit the school on WED of this week, take a tour, fill out the paperwork and DS has his old highschool football number and the position that made him a celebrity in our town back in high school. DS is a fantastic football player, he is a great leader and like his old coach used to say he has "heart" for the game. DS just screwed up back then and didn't work on his grades hard enough and partied too much.

Well, now he has a second chance and he's so excited. He's going right now to get his high school transcript and his one year of community college transcript.

I am so grateful to God for giving him this opportunity in life. He's been through a lot of trouble, but I think that may be a good thing. It's forced him to grow up and realize that he needs to take his life seriously. He is not going to want to lose this chance to make something out of himself.

So even though our business is going down the tubes, something wonderful has been gifted to us and our DS this holiday season. What a wonderful Christmas gift.

I am so excited and hopeful and probably a bit presumptious! My dearest and oldest friend Nancy, aka NancyLeeIL, had better start her journal here or else..... I probably will put this entry on private until I know for sure that she 'wants' to journal. Ah, heck I've reconsidered and decided to make it public. She is just too special to keep private.

Unfortunately, she will be having her TAH after Christmas on 12/28. She has suffered with fibroids and low blood counts for a long time. She has used this site for information and she has struggled a while in deciding whether or not to have the surgery.

I have made her a Crown Jewel. I know that she will enjoy journaling as she is a wonderful, insightful soul. I know that many ladies will benefit from her words and that she will find comfort and support here as I did. She is wise beyond her years, she is kind, smart, funny....she is my dear friend.

So I anxiously await her entry into journaling.

Well, the tree is up and decorated, my house looks festive and I am so fatigued this morning that I can barely continue to sit here and type.

My head hurts and my chest feels kind of weird, also have heartburn. I almost feel at the grips of an anxiety attack but I am trying to ignore it. I had a whopper headache Saturday night that required a couple of Advil, an icepack and resting on my bed. I think it was MSG induced. We ate out after we worked all day in the office. It was one of those fish camps (is it just a southern thing?). The fish was fried, but not at all greasy. Very tasty and fresh. But, I suspect MSG was sprinkled in there somewhere 'cause no more than 30 minutes later I felt absolutely sick as a dog. My Mom and I tend to be very sensitive to MSG, we are both prone to headaches also. My DH was fine after the same meal.

They are expecting me at work right now, but I truly don't feel well enough to go. I am also experiencing mega brain fog lately. I am trying not to let life overwhelm me. My house needs to be cleaned, it really is pitiful. I need to grocery shop and I need to pay some bills here at home (forget work bills, that's a lost cause!). But, I really think I need to lie down right now and maybe take a little nap. I think that may rejuvenate me!

There is a lovely lady at this journal site (you know who you are!) that I was PMing back and forth with yesterday. I commented to her that I wish she'd post a photo because I love to be able to put a face with the name and the entries. Her response was that she doesn't consider herself very attractive and her DH tends to take pictures of her when she's in unflattering poses.

I've copied and pasted part of my response back to her which brings me to the subject of physical beauty for this entry ----

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I think you're beautiful and I've never seen you! You have such beauty within that it just radiates through your kind words and loving messages.

Some people can be so physically gorgeous that you just want to puke! BUT, when they open their mouths they ruin the beauty. I'm sure you've known people like that in your lifetime.

My husband says I amaze him in that I see beauty in people that he doesn't consider attractive. It's when you get to know them that it truly exposes itself. But, there is physical beauty in everyone. Whether it's their eyes that sparkle, or their smile, whether it's crooked or just right, the glow in their skin that comes from the beauty within or the shape of their face. Whether they're a size 20 or a size 2. Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder. And I try to find beauty in everyone. I already see yours.

I felt so ugly as a child. I was so gawky. I was skinny, pale, dark circles under my eyes (I was always anemic) and then as luck would have it I had to wear glasses. When I suddenly developed very large boobs at puberty, all the boys started to notice me. How I hated my boobs! I actually prayed to God to give me cancer so my boobs would have to be removed. I know that is awful to wish for, but I was 13 and didn't understand anything about the ravages of cancer or chemo. I've never actually told anyone that. But, that was how awful the attacks were on me. I was constantly being groped and gawked at and the remarks were terrible. I started to get out of that gawkiness in high school, I got contacts and wore a tiny bit of makeup (it was the 70's & makeup wasn't a big thing) and my body kind of grew into itself. I still got voted best body in my senior year, I was so mortified!

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I have met a lot of women and worked with a lot of women in my years and I have seen all kinds of beauty. Today we are bombarded in the media with what some of us perceive women to look like. What an awful misconception! Unfortunately, it's messing with the younger generation's perception of physical perfection and 'beauty'.

I remember when I was a kid in elementary school, and being so gawky, homely and painfully shy, I didn't get the attention from the teachers and other students that the 'cute' girls got. But, at home I didn't feel like that. I received so much love from my parents and family, I felt like a princess.

Sure, I remember wishing I could have a canopy bed with a lacy pink bedspread on it and my own bedroom like one of the popular girls had. Her name was 'Dottie and she had the cutest button nose, with the creamiest skin, spotted with freckles, she wore the coolest clothes and the boys just loved her. She invited me over her house once and after that pretended she didn't know me when she discovered I wasn't one of the 'popular' kids. Boy, that hurt!

But, I never whined to my parents about how I was treated or that I wanted a canopy bed or that I wasn't cute and popular. They loved me and I had every doll imaginable. So what that I shared a room with my sister and we used my Dad's bedroom furniture from when he and his brother shared a room. I think between my sister and I we had more dolls than all the girls in my classroom. And I soon developed my own little circle of 'misfit' friends. None of us were the cutest, or most popular but we all clicked. And I saw something 'pretty' and 'special' in all of them.

The popular girls always seemed so shallow. Sure, not all of them were like that, but those certain few, that thought they were better than anyone else because they were so beautiful.

And that is what actually made them so ugly.

So, yes, when we first meet someone we see the physical part of them and form a quick opinion. Like, "Wow, she's so pretty, cute, plain, sophisticated, sloppy, etc." But, when you truly start to get to know someone, something pops out at you. Something special and beautiful and unique about that person. I guess I like to think I am gifted for looking really deep within someone and finding that special something.

I have a friend that is not a classic beauty, she is also about 40 pounds overweight. My husband and many men friends describe her as "rough" looking. Yes, she has had a very rough life. And after a few drinks she can get a little boisterous, but that's what makes her this great unique person. Once I got to know her I see her as honest, caring, outgoing, loving, devoted, funny, and she has the most beautiful, green eyes. And she has lips that women pay their plastic surgeons to get that plump and full. And she has a pretty ample bosom that she is quite proud of.

We need to remember to look at what is in a person's heart and soul. Never to judge someone at first based on their looks. I have often been judged as being a snob because I am quiet and a bit reserved when first meeting someone. That is so far from the truth. I hate snobs!

So to all my sisters that fear posting a picture because they don't feel they are as attractive as others, I say hogwash! Please stop that nonsense! If you have a good heart your beauty will radiate from within. If you have a selfish heart that also will radiate from within and smear your good looks. After awhile of posting here and reading entries and comments, the caring, consideration, and 'beauty' shows through without a picture.

I have rambled about this subject and bounced around a lot. I am a bit more fatigued than the norm today and I have got to pay some bills and go to work. So forgive me if some of this seems jumbled, I just felt it was important to write about. I may have to come back later and fix some areas but for now, these are my thoughts.

I am home today from work because the road is closed that allows us to get to work. There is an area of about 1 1/4 miles of major highway that our shop sits on and a large tanker truck overturned early this morning spilling 9,600 gallons of fuel on the road. Major back up of traffic and all businesses and residents can't enter the area. HazMat teams have been working for hours now, in the rain, to clean this up.

So here I sit vegetating in front of the computer and loving it! I am upset because this is a whole day of no income being produced but maybe everyone at work needed a break, everyone's been stressed lately. So maybe it's just divine intervention that is giving everyone a forced day off.

I don't really feel like doing any updates on my financial woes because everything is still unchanged. We go to court next week for my younger DS and the beer bottle over the head incident. My older DS is going through some love issues with his former live-in girlfriend, she's kind of been cheating on him while they've been kind of broken up. LONG STORY. But, he's talking to me about it and I'm trying to advice him wisely and not emotionally.

Here's a little quote I pulled off the computer, I liked it, so I'm sharing it today with everyone. I sure think it rings of a lot of truth:

Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time;
What we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.
~Syndney J. Harris

Yes, God works so mysteriously!

This is the second time in a couple of months that I read a story of someone truly deserving or needing the winning Lottery.

It infuriated me when I read of the wealthy man that won millions and he already had millions. He spoke of probably buying another private airplane. Why not donate or do something good with it? Oh, it really irked me!*punch*

So when the last two stories I read were different, I felt like I had to share them.

The one I read a few months ago was about a man that was in the process of filing for bankruptcy. He was $30,000 in personal debt and bought a lottery ticket with his last dollar. Well, he won! Okay, you can say, well at least he needed the money and is grateful.

The story I read this morning is about a lady in California. Some of you probably read this one. She started a program years ago for abandoned babies - deceased ones. The morgue calls her when they have an abandoned baby for burial. She goes to the morgue and wraps the baby in a new baby blanket. She cuddles him/her and gives it a name. She has a proper burial for him and has the name given inscribed on a cross. There's hundreds of babies buried in this graveyard designated just for them. She lets white doves go at the end of each ceremony.

California has a law now that babies can be left off at firehouses, hospitals, churches, police stations with "no questions asked". This has decreased the babies that are left to die in trash bins, ditches and alleys. This woman speaks at schools, raises money through car washes, bake sales, etc. She has two employees that help her with all this.

She plans on using this money for schlorships and awareness for unwed mothers. How wonderful is the 27 million win she has received (actually she gets 9 million after taxes)?

The funny thing is her and her husband hardly every play the lottery. This woman also has seven kids of her own. And she of course, plans on putting money aside for their futures.

It's nice to hear a story like this.

I read a story in the paper a few days ago that really touched my heart. It definitely is worth repeating.

The story was about a woman that went to a local drive through for lunch one day. There was a relatively long line and she vaguely recalls the vehicle in front of her.

When it was her turn to drive up to the window and get her food and pay, she was told she didn't owe anything.

She asked for an explanation. The cashier told her that the lady in the car ahead of her had paid for her lunch. The cashier continued by saying that the woman comes by once a week and does that every week for someone. The woman took her food and continued on her way.

She couldn't stop thinking about this act of kindness and generousity.

So the next time she went to a drive-through for lunch, when it was her time to pay for her food she asked how much the bill was for the car behind her. She was told six dollars. She paid the bill for the car behind her and drove off.

She didn't wait to see the car's driver's reaction, just like the woman didn't wait to see her reaction the week before. She just drove off and thought how good she felt.

She hoped maybe that person would do it for someone else. Or she thought that maybe that could've been that person's last six dollars and now she had six extra dollars she didn't count on.

All she knew was that it made her feel good to reciprocate the kindness that someone had bestowed upon her.

Oh, my aching body! I did way too much yesterday! I didn't even step near my computer, that means I was busy.

DH and I got up and went to church. After that we went to breakfast or brunch at that point. Then we went to Lowe's and he got some tool stuff he needed and I got pansie's, mulch, wood chips for my front flower beds. I usually plant these in early November but didn't seem to really give a hoot back in early November.

Now the flower beds were looking really bad thanks to the dead summer flowers and the holes my dog Petey dug in them. (I'm gonna strangle him, my yard looks like a minefield!)

Once we got home I changed and got to work on the two rather large flower beds. I worked like a dog, cleaning out the old chips and dead flowers, lifting bags, dumping dirt, all that bending and lifting. Then I was done. It looked great. I turned around and Petey was in the flower beds investigating the wood chips, they looked yummy to him. He eats everything and anything. I started chasing him around the yard with my yard tools! I must have looked like a crazy woman. I was covered in dirt and sweat, ranting and raving while this dog thought I wanted to play.

Once I cleaned up my area, I got started trimming another area with hedge clippers and raking out dead leaves. I hauled dead branches and leaves back and forth several times. Then I came in the house and hung Christmas wreathes in all the windows and doors and proceeded to cook dinner. After we ate I happily sat down to watch "The Five People you Meet in Heaven". I read the book and it was great. The movie was 3 hours, I watched the first half hour and the last half hour. I took a rather long, unexpected nap.

Needless, to say my body hurts really bad this morning. I threw out my hip and I'm limping around like an old woman. I also hurt my wrist and ankle. Everything on my left side. My DH said I was walking around like I was 80 years old this morning. Yeah, where was he while I was doing the yard work? Watching a football game. I do have to say, he took the extension ladder and extended it to the max, 20 feet and hung a big, lit wreath for me in a huge window we have. It actually was kind of scary, I envisioned him falling onto the hard marble fall. The ladder wasn't very sturdy. But, he knew that's what I wanted and he did it. That's a big plus for him.

Well, off I go to the chiropractor I go. I really need some help and maybe some Advil.

Happy Monday to all!

I have uploaded some photos I took of the faux paint and artwork we had done last winter in our kitchen and dining room. I e-mailed them to Kim knowing she'd appreciate the work, since that's her specialty! Just thought everyone else might like to take a peak!

The guy who did this work is no ordinary house painter. First of all he was very meticulous in his set-up of supplies and taping walls off and his clean up. He first met with us and we told him what colors we thought we wanted. He'd come back with samples of the faux paint work and sketches of his artwork. He had great ideas for the whole house. But, we couldn't do anymore than these two rooms, finances just wouldn't allow.

Hopefully, if things shape up for us financially, we might be able to get him to come back and do our entry hall and living room. If not, and we have to sell the house maybe this might help sell it. Whatever will be, will be.

Enjoy the pic's!

I don't have much time today to write, I have a day filled with appointments and meetings at work. But, I found this quote and wanted to share.

Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter,
and those who matter don't mind.

~~Dr. Seuss

What a strange night and morning.

When I went to bed last night my DH was already in bed watching TV about forensic detectives. It was very interesting and we were absorbed in it. Suddenly DH asked me if my cell phone was ringing somewhere in the house. I told him I had turned it off. But, I had heard faint ringing too, but didn't mention it.

Well, that was that and I fell asleep while he continued to watch TV. At 5:00 a.m. I awoke very suddenly to the sound of a ringing telephone. But, the phone wasn't ringing when I woke up. It sounded exactly how my phone rings. I lay there listening. Nothing. I had a weird, unsettled feeling. I wondered immediately if younger DS was home and safe in his bed. I contemplated getting up and going to check when I heard or sensed a voice tell me he was home safe (and he was). So I finally went back to sleep.

When I awoke this morning I took the dogs out and looked at the sky. It was magnificent! It had swirls of pinks, blues and the sunlight peaking through the fluffy clouds! I looked up and thanked God for such a glorious sight first thing in the morning!

But, the morning turned strange. While on one side was the magnificent colors, the other side was foggy and dark and the wind picked up at an incredible speed. I watched out my kitchen windows as the wind bent small trees and blew garbage pails over.

And then suddenly all was silent.

I kept calling my DH to come look because whether I looked north, south, east or west I came face to face with a different weather phenomenon. When he would come out to look, what I called him to see would disappear.

The day has since settled into a beautiful, bright sunny day and the temperature is in the high 50's, very pleasant overall.

But, I can't get over the feeling that someone or something was trying to communicate with me.

I just wanted to post a quick thank you to all the ladies that responded to my journal entry today. I won't name you, you know who you are! And also thank you for your PM's, I can't express in words how much your support means to me.

What I found especially helpful, was that you all kept reinforcing in me that I am strong. I know in the past I have pulled through some doozy situations and realized later that I must be pretty strong. Now I felt my strength wavering, or I thought I did. Obviously, all of you see strength. This made me realize that my strength will get me through this.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so very thankful for making so many wonderful friends here and feeling so very cared for. I wish I lived near all of you or had the funds or even better, my own private jet to just whisk off and see each of you. Or gather you all up for a wonderful in-person HS weekend at some wonderful spa resort! What do you think ladies? Who wants to sign up for that?

It's nice to dream!

Good night ladies, I hope we all have a restful night's sleep.

Thanksgiving turned out to be a wonderful day.

My sister, BIL, mother, DH ,both sons and myself feasted at my dinner table. I made my usual feast. The menu consisted of turkey (of course) homemade gravy, biscuits, mashed potatoes with melted cheese on top, sweet potato casserole with toasted marshmellows on top, ritz vegetable casserole, sauteed mushrooms and onions, macaroni and cheese and the old stand by, green bean casserole, and my mom brought broccoli and cheese. My sister and BIL brought the pies and the wine.

My BIL complimented me again (he did last year) for being so organized and putting out a delicious dinner. A compliment from him means a lot because he just doesn't throw them out there. And I pride myself on being organized in the kitchen. Having all the dishes timed and coming out of the oven together so everything is piping hot for everyone. I don't really like anyone to help me in the kitchen, I have my own system. I do appreciate the help cleaning up though!

We do the meal buffet style. I set up all the food on the island in my kitchen, I have granite countertops so the food can come out of the oven and right on top of the counter without fear of scorching it. So it's not a big fuss. We used heavyduty paperplates and the clean up wasn't a big deal.

We played cards after dinner (I think that was the Vegas after effects hitting us ) and we really had a good time. The only one that hung back and fell asleep in his room after dinner was my younger DS. My older DS commented that he's sleeping alot lately, possibly depressed?

Unfortunately, my sister and BIL had to head back home to SC today, my sister had to go to work before the day ended. I miss her so much and wish we lived closer to one another. Her and I get along so great, we always have. Sure we fought a bit as kids, more so when we hit our teens, but nothing major. She's my best friend and I'm hers.

I didn't work today. My DH told me to take the day off and he gave the other girl that works for us the day off (she's been busting her butt lately for us) and our manager is on vacation, so DH handled it all by himself. He's pooped and still at work, but he feels good about himself. He's let other people steer his ship for so long, he kind of lost focus. It feels good for him to be back at the wheel, let's see how long it lasts. Sorry, didn't mean to let any negativity seep into this entry....but, I've been with the guy 23 years and I KNOW him.

I hope everyone else had a wonderful Thanksgiving and is appropriately overstuffed.

I'd like to add that I'm so glad that Julia's, Boo Kitty didn't have anything seriously wrong and I want to let Mei know that I have cleaned out my mailbox.

Have a great weekend all!

Well, my first day back to work after our week long trip to Vegas wasn't terrible. It wasn't pleasant, but I knew what to expect.

Things are still awful financially. We received two certified letters from our vendors threatening to sue us if we didn't pay in full. One demanded payment in ten days, the other by Dec. 3rd. I haven't even paid the utilities for November yet so I think those people will just have to sue us. My DH plans on calling them and probably will try to set up a payment plan. But, we really can't do that either. There's just not enough to go around. I haven't even paid my home mortgage for Nov. or our business mortgage for Oct and Nov. Soon the ball is going to drop. I want to just throw in the towel but my DH is still holding out hope. We still are waiting to hear from the mortgage company on the refinance for our business. They had to fire someone that was handling our mortgage and six others. They promise a proposal this week. We'll see.

I hate this feeling of hopelessness. The fear of no income and how to pay even the slightest bill is such a struggle.

I know this may sound crazy but first of all I'm not suicidal. I just thought before our trip that if the plane went down going to Vegas or coming back from Vegas, I would be okay with that. I mean I don't have a fear of dying, I know we are going to a better place, back home where we originated from. I know this will sound nuts, but I actually was looking forward to it.

Normally, I'm fearful of flying, fearful of dying and leaving my family, but this time I just felt like they would manage without me. Then all my stress from this life would be over for me. I've just had enough. My life just feels kind of empty right now. Believe it or not the only thing that brings me pure joy and happiness is my two furry friends, my two dogs. I love my children with my whole heart, but my younger DS is ruining his life and I can't seem to help him anymore. He doesn't seem to want the help. My older son has a good head on his shoulders, he tends to get depressed every now and then but he's a good person, kind, considerate, helpful. I mean this child thanks me after he eats dinner, for cooking for him.

My 86 yr old Mom depends on me so much that I feel strained from it. My sister lives three and half hours away but even if she were closer my mother would still look to me for guidance and help. She tells me that my sister isn't "like me". I feel like I have no one to lean on, no one to comfort me. I comfort everyone else. I take care of everyone. I am the nurturer. I guess I just want someone to take care of me once in awhile. And NO, my DH doesn't do that for me. I mean sure when times are really horrible and he sees I'm having a meltdown, he jumps in the ring and takes over. But, I have to be at the point of a meltdown.

On top of all that I have a nasty headcold and feel like poop. I look forward to Thanksgiving but then I don't. My DH and DS#2 aren't speaking after their scuffle and fight three weeks ago. I mean my younger DS really hates his Dad right now. There is so, so much anger between the two of them. And NO, my son refuses to go to counseling, my DH would, he has for years for his ADHD medication monitoring and for problems in our marriage. But, my DS#2 sees it as a weakness.

My younger DS is very much a man's man, he's the tough guy and doesn't want anyone to see any weakness in him. Although, I know he has a soft spot, it peeks out every once in awhile when we get into deep conversations. And he loves his pets, he's so gentle and loving with them. He cradles his kitty just like a baby and coos to her. Yeah, that's Mr. Toughguy. His ex-girlfriend was so jealous of that cat, because my son didn't treat her as nice as he did the cat. But, that's another story.

I don't want this to come off as if I'm feeling sorry for myself, cause I truly am not. God has been very good to us these last 8 years and provided. I know that He will provide again, just maybe in a different way. I know that this is one of life's lessons right now, a learning curve. We all go through them.

I feel like there's something big to be learned right around the corner. Something I need to get off my butt and do. I just am not sure what it is. Maybe I need to get back into healthcare? I loved it when I did it for seven years, then I got burnt out. More burnt out because of the catty, back stabbing women I worked with, then with the patients. But, I think of working for someone else forty hours a week and I feel exhausted. I like the flexibiltiy of having our own business. Plus, with this constant fatigue, I'm not sure I could pull off a forty hour week right now and give 100% of myself. I think maybe I need to futher my education, I've looked into healthcare classes but they cost $300 and involve some travel. But, I find that thought really interesting.

If only I didn't feel so tired. If only I had my old energy level back. Boy, I was able to do so much. I guess I've worn myself down over the years trying to be supermom, superwife, superwoman.

I was going to make this entry private, but what the heck, I'm going to put myself out there. I'm interested to see how everyone percieves my ramblings.

Well, better get ready and go to work or the torture chamber as I now think of it. I sure don't want to, I know what's awaiting me and it just brings me so far down. But, what can I do? People look to me to fix things there, to pull a rabbit out of my hat, and honestly I JUST DON'T WANT TO, I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE. And that scares the h*ll out of me, I've never been like this before.

I really could use some serious suggestions right about now. I need someone to tell me how to fix this, what to do.

I wanted to share this quote before I sign off the computer and start my day -

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience,

we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

-Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

I have posted pictures from our Vegas trip. They are awaiting approval right now.

We really enjoyed our seven days away from the pressures of life. I did start to stress a bit on the plane ride home. Just anticipating what is waiting for me on my voice mail at work makes me want to hop a plane back to Vegas!

We didn't see as much as we had hoped to see, but we plan on going back and doing things a bit different next time. The Vegas strip is really magnificent! The hotel/casinos are just pure works of art. It is truly amazing the money that is put into these buildings. I hadn't realized how each casino is also a hotel and then on top of that has restaurants and stores inside, plus the theatres where they have the shows. There is one place that has a bowling alley inside and movie theatres!

What also surprised me and my DH is how well maintained the strip is. It is so clean! No litter, no dirt, everything manicured. The only thing that littered the sidewalks were the postcards that people threw to the ground after being handed them on the street. The porn postcards.

My DH took full advantage of sleeping with the window open in our room. The air was pure pleasure! Just so clean and crisp and so devoid of humidity. I could feel the humidity as soon as we were back home in the Carolina's. So long good hair days!

The things that we did, besides gamble were to see two shows. LaCage (with the female impersonators) and The Tribute to the Rat Pack (which was a dinner show). The second show was exellent! We went to Hoover Dam and we really had fun at Madame Tussard's wax museum (see the pic's I posted). We had a wonderful (and expensive) steak dinner the night before we went home at a place in the New York New York Hotel and Casino. My DH had lamb chops and I had a filet mignon with bernaise sauce. I could cut my steak with a fork, it was so tender. Then we had creme brulee' for dessert, yum!

Unfortunately, I did manage to gain four pounds in a weeks time! Our eating habits were all thrown off. We ate so much at all the buffets and we ate at weird times. Denny's for breakfast at two in the morning, two mornings in a row! But, it was fun! Sometimes it's just so great to break routine!

On a sour note, tomorrow my younger DS goes to court for his car wreck and second DUI. He said I didn't need to go with him. I probably will just head to work since our manager is on vacation this week and we're short handed. Also, my son works for us so that will be one more person that isn't there. He's hoping that he'll get out of the DUI since the cop didn't see him driving, the only thing we're not sure of is what the "witness" saw. Did he see my DS wreck the car? Or did he only come upon the scene after my DS was wandering around outside the car? The lawyer hasn't told us what he found out from the police report. So tomorrow will tell us what the verdict is. If my son is convicted he will have to spend seven days in jail. Probably a very good lesson for him.

I hope something tomorrow will wake this child up! I really fear for his future! He's just totally ruining his life and he's depressed on top of it, so he doesn't really care what happens to him.

There was an incident the first weekend we were away where he got into a fight with someone at our home. The kid wandered into the house, uninvited, drunk and smoking pot. My son kicked him out. They argued outside, my son turned to go in the house and the drunk pushed him and tripped him. Well, my DS went off on this guy. He hit him in the head with a bottle and punched him several times. My older DS and his friend tried to break it up and are witnesses. Now this drunk has stitches and is threatening to file charges. He says he'll drop these "supposed" charges if my DS will fight him one on one. My DH knows nothing about this. Actually, my DH and DS aren't speaking for about three weeks now since there terrible argument.

Never a dull moment with my younger DS. I'm not sure what to do with him or how to help him anymore.

I guess I better close up for tonight and get some sleep, tomorrow is sure to be a busy, stressful day.

My DH and I got back home last night from our week long trip to Vegas. We slept in a bit this morning and then went and released our two dogs from prison (the kennel). They were so happy to see us (I think happier than our two sons), and we were just as happy to see them (our dogs). All in all it was good vacation, it's always great to get home and into our own bed though. But, we totally enjoyed our trip, we really loved Vegas and would go back in a minute! We were amazed at the air there. It is so pure and crisp! No humidity, no smothering air pressure. It was wonderful! I didn't have one bad hair day! I will post some pictures from Vegas and write some more about it when I feel more energetic.

We had a wedding to go to this evening and have been home about two hours now. My Dh, was his usual complimentary self. On the way home from the wedding I commented to him how pretty the bride looked and how beautiful her gown was. And he agreed with me, but said that "like usual I was the most beautiful woman there and the classiest." He definitely gets brownie points for that!

My sister is in town just for the weekend. I didn't get to visit with her today (because of all that we had to do) but we will do brunch tomorrow before she has to leave at 2:00. She rode in with an acquaintence that has grandkids in our town, and she just planned on staying for Sat and Sun. My sister hitched a ride in with her. Any little bit of time together is worth it in our books.

I have been lurking around the site, trying to catch up on journal entries, but I don't think that'll be possible. A lot goes on here in a weeks time! Wow! So sisters, please forgive me if I don't comment in anyone's past journal entries. I will just start fresh, beginning this new week.

And a special note to my oldest and dearest friend, Nancy, please remember to log in, so your comments are in my journal entries. I miss reading your wise, insightful and comforting words (from your letters), I know I will thoroughly enjoy reading your comments in my journal. I love and miss you!

Good night sisters! I am still so tired, especially from the travel and time change!

First, I want to thank everyone for their prayers, hugs and comforting words. This financial struggle has been an awful strain. Second to Marilyn/Moonchime!

Today the mortgage company is supposed to have actual terms for us to consider in our refinance. It has taken three months for them to finally promise this much. So we will see if that actually happens.

Today is also when a customer is supposed to have the $4,300 she owes for work done on her husband's car. My DH let her take the car almost two weeks ago without paying. I advised him not to but he felt sorry for her. She called him up, crying, saying that she'd lose her job if she didn't get the car back because everyone in her family was borrowing her car and she had taken so much time off from work. She kept saying she was a good Christian woman and appreciated us so much and would have the money to us the "next day". Well, the next day has turned into two weeks. We can go to the Magistrate's office and file a complaint and have the car towed back to our shop. Then we'd have to file paperwork through the DMV for a mechanic's lien. Needless to say the process could take months before we could actually sell the car. That's if the customer doesn't hide the car.

Our insurance carrier for our business said that we need $9,100 dollars by the 14th of this month or our insurance is cancelled. We have been with this company for four years and have been good customers, now when things are tough, they are so quick to cancel. Even our agent isn't much help. We have been his biggest account.

It's funny how banks and insurance companies just love you when you're doing so well, they really kiss up, big time. I see that all now. We'll see who sticks around while we don't have much money. We'll see which employees bail. I can see our manager bailing out. I just have a feeling. He's been with us almost seven years, but he's not getting as many perks as he normally gets. Everyone is typically out for themselves. I should know that by now. It just disillusions me.

And on top of all that, my DH and I are supposed to be leaving for vacation on Friday. We have a timeshare and have had this planned since the beginning of the summer. All we need to worry about as far as money on vacation is for food and entertainment. That's the beauty of a timeshare, the plane fare has been paid for since June.

We are going to Vegas. Our first time there. We were so looking forward to getting away. I had been like a squirrel, saving a few dollars here and there for all these months for the Vegas fund. If we cancel the trip we lose so much money (lot's of timeshare fees, plane fare) plus probably our sanity. But, I feel so negligent in going away while times are so hard at work right now. But, in the next breath I know how important it is to get away and clear our heads.

I just pray that this all resolves soon and I know the direction we need to take with our business.

This may be the last time I am able to post till I get back from vacation (we get back on the evening of the 19th and then we have a wedding to go to on the 20th). So I hope everyone stays well. I know I will sure miss checking in and seeing what's going on at HS/journals. I will not have access to a computer while I'm away, which is probably not a bad thing.

So farewell sisters, till at least the 21st!

On my quest to discover what is causing my exhaustion I have discovered an invaluable web site. I think this site advertises here at HS because I know I've been on it before. I wanted to share it with everyone here, it has so many women's health issues, including hysterectomy. It is womentowomen.com.

First, I have pulled up information on what I have which is hypothrodism. A lot of women have it and don't know it. Blood tests don't always tell the story, symptoms do.

That led me to Chronic Fatigue Syndome which occurs in most women that have low thyroid functions. But, the most interesting thing so far is that I have discovered is that women (and men) that have the above problems also have problems with the adrenal gland. All of those problems start in the adrenal gland. It is a metabolic disorder called Adrenal Fatigue. The adrenal gland basically handles our stress levels, when that is overloaded with stress, failure can occur. Symptoms are many. Weight gain, exhaustion, cravings for sweets, salty and high carb foods, muscle and joint pain, headaches, brain fog and the list goes on. Most of my symptoms.

I have ordered yet another book through Amazon.com called "Adrenal Fatigue: The 21st Century Stress Syndrome". I love to read so this won't be a problem, I always have 2 or 3 books on my nightstand that I have going at the same time. I am actually thinking that instead of seeing my MD on Monday, I should make an appointment with the Naturopathic Physican in town. She's really wonderful, I've used her in the past and she's very accurate.

MD's don't really have answers for CFS or Adrenal Failure. Rest, exercise and diet. Well, I have no problem resting. It's all I want to do. If I wasn't so exhausted I'd gladly exercise. And diet, well heck if I didn't have such all consuming cravings I could probably eat a lot better. I need to get to the source of the problem and fix that, not just put band aids on the problem.

So continues my quest.......

I am going to take an aggressive approach to finding the cause of my complete and total exhaustion.

I have a thyroid problem. I am hypothyroid. I was diagnosed before I was forty. I was exhausted back then. So much so that I remember working out and when I'd do my ab workout, I'd actually fall asleep on the floor. Kind of a strong clue that something was wrong with me. I also was depressed and my hair started going gray quickly, other signs of a sluggish thyroid.

I have been doing some research recently and discovered that too much estrogen can lead to becoming hypothroid. Too much estrogen also feeds fibroids, which is what I had. Interestingly enough I started on birth control pills in my late thirties. I never started prior to that because my parents had put the fear of God in me that BCP's cause breast cancer. I started on BCP's because my periods had started becoming weird, irregular.

Well, of course I didn't know it then but BCP's are loaded with tons of estrogen. BCP's also can contribute to high cholesterol, which I have.

So let's see: BCP/Estrogen fuels fibroids, decreases thyroid function, increases bad cholesterol levels. Hmmmm, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that the BCP's could have been causing a lot if not all of my problems.

Well, I don't take BCP's anymore since my hyst. I still have my ovaries and am producing hormone's just fine, if not unbalanced. But, that's another story, which I use bio-identical hormones for.

There is a wonderful website called Mercola.com that provides a wealth of information about a lot of scary stuff that we subject ourselves to in this world. He's a doctor, but also follows the healthy, natural approach to healing. I found him accidently online and then I saw that my chiropractor has articles written by Dr. Mercola in a lot of binder books he keeps in his waiting room.

I have ordered two books through Amazon.com, by author Mary Shomon about thyroid problems. I read about her books in Woman's World and also Dr. Mercola recommends her book's highly. She is supposed to be the "Thyroid Expert", since she also suffers from hypothroidism.

Another thing I learned is that the majority of women diagnosed being Hypothroid also have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and/or Fibromyalgia. I am hoping I don't have any of these problems, especially CFS, but I wonder about it because of this total exhaustion I feel all the time.

I have an appointment with my doctor that manages my thyroid condition, on Monday. I told you I am usually aggressive when it comes to my health. I don't have the tolerance or patience for not having any energy and feeling overweight and sluggish. I want answers!

I will keep my journal updated, especially for the ladies that also suffer from a thyroid condition.

In my last entry I wrote a tribute to my Dad who passed away June 15, 1998, five days before Father's Day.

There's been a lot of ladies here who have written about their dreams. I believe a deceased loved one can visit you in your dream state. I mean that their spirit can literally come and visit with you. It's not a fuzzy, kind of doesn't make sense dream, it's very real.

I had a dream visit like that a week after my Dad died. My sister had at least two dreams and my Mom never had any. She actually felt his presence.

My dream was very brief but oh so real. In the dream we were in a kitchen I didn't recognize. My Dad looked the same. I told him that I missed him and that I loved him. He told me he loved me. The best part was when we touched hands and then hugged. When he reached for my hand and we touched, I remember very vividly the feel of his hand. My Dad had beautiful, long fingers. The fingers of a piano player, even though he didn't play. He also had a slight quiver in his hands. I felt the quiver, I knew his hands.

Then we hugged. I kissed his cheek. I felt the bristles from his beard. I felt the warmth of his skin. I felt him hug me back.

It was wonderful. I was able to tell him I loved him and give him one last hug. His death was so sudden, there was no time for anything.

I had crazy dreams that didn't make sense after that. This was the one visit I received from him and I am so grateful for it.

My sister dreamnt of him a bit more often. In her dreams they hugged and kissed but they spoke more. And as she had more dreams with him and her, she noticed that he was looking younger and healthier. He assured her that he was happy and that he "ate well". Food and cooking was one of his greatest pleasures. They even walked along a beautiful beach, she said the colors of the sky and the ocean were magnificent. I envy her those dreams.


My Mom wanted to dream of him so badly but never did. But, we feel sure he comes to her often. Sometimes she smells the type of pipe tobacco that he used to smoke years ago. Also, my Mom has always had a bad habit of falling asleep in front of the TV in her recliner. It used to drive Dad nuts. He was of the mindset that if you're tired you need to go sleep in your bed. He'd always tap her on the arm, ever so gently and wake her up and tell her to go to bed.

Well, after he passed, she couldn't sleep in their bed. So the recliner was her sleep quarters. Her first night alone, she dozed off in the recliner and was awakened by someone tapping her. She thought it was my sister who was staying with her. But, no it wasn't, my sister was sound asleep in the spare bedroom. This continued on and off for quite some time until she finally decided to start sleeping in her bed again.

Mom says that every once in awhile, while she's sleeping in her recliner, she feels a tap and she knows it's him and she talks to him. She tells him, "Ok, I'll go to bed now." She even still smells his tobacco. I'm sure this comforts her immensely.

I know that someday I will be reunited with my Dad again, until that time I anxiously await another visit with him while I sleep.

Reading t1gger's journal entry about her abnormal mammogram and my response to her, brought back one specific memory about my deceased Dad. That in turn brought on a flood of memories.

I was always close to my Dad, probably more so than I was to my Mom. I remember as little girls my Dad used to tell us bedtime stories. But, he didn't read from a book, he created his own and we were all participants in the story with the bedsheets as a tent. One of us was a squirrel, the other a rabbit and I forget what my Dad was. But, he'd have the wind howling and the tent blowing in the wind and it was fun and exciting. We felt very loved.

My Dad was the one that sat my sister and I down and explained our periods to us and also about sex. He did it in a very tactful, delicate way and always left the door open for any questions we might have later on. And I sure did hit him with questions. Now that I think of them, I'm embarassed. But, he handled it beautifully. He never made us feel silly for asking.

During my first marriage, after I had my son my Dad would call me every morning to check on me and his grandson. We talked about everything. My problems with breastfeeding and I would discuss the problems I was having with my husband at the time. I couldn't understand why my husband (now-ex) did certain things to me or treated me indifferently and refused to have sex with me. But, Dad loved my ex and tried to answer my questions logically, never judgmental, never emotionally. He really wanted my marriage to work. The thing is I felt comfortable discussing anything with my Dad.

When my marriage broke up Dad was upset, but didn't show it. My Mom wanted to go beat the you know what out of my ex, for abusing me (physically, also emotionally). But, my Dad was a peaceful man and he said to my Mom that if we got back together that would then be a wedge in the family relationship. He felt he and my Mom needed to mind their own business. Now I'm a bit disappointed my Dad didn't want to go beat the pulp out of him, but back then I was glad he was calm for me.

The only wedge in our relationship was my second marriage (my current and hopefully last one ). My Dad didn't care for my DH and when our son came my Dad didn't have much tolerance for him. It hurt me and put a crimp in our relationship. I definitely never discussed my marriage with my Dad. I had grown up more and realized you can't tell your parents EVERYTHING about your personal life. Plus, anything negative I said about my DH to my Dad would only fuel the fire. My Mom then became my allie. My Mom hated my ex and didn't understand how my Dad could still like him. Mom likes my DH, although she would have preferred me to not remarry and live with her forever.

Even though we had that slight wedge between us I still went to him with worries or concerns. It was the spring of 1998 and I had my mammogram. The tech called a few days later and told me I needed to come in for another one. There was a suspicous looking shadow in one of my breasts. She made me an appointment for the following week. I called my Dad ASAP! I was so scared. He suggested I call them back and see if I couldn't get in sooner, he felt a week was too long to torment over that. He remained calm for me, even though I know his heart was in his throat. I called the tech back and got in that day. Dad waited by the phone while I went with my DH and got the results on the spot. Everything was fine, just dense breast tissue. I called my Dad from my cell phone to report the good news. By the time my Mom got home from work that day, my Dad told her the whole story. He never called her at work and panicked her. He patiently waited all by himself to hear the good or bad news about his oldest daughter.

My Dad died a few months later. I cry as I write this because I miss his smiling face so very much. He had a massive heart attack on a Monday morning, it was June 15th, six days before Father's Day. My older son had slept over and was there, holding my Dad in his arms while he took his last breath. My Dad had some health issues for a few years so when I got the call that morning from my Mom to come over I figured it wasn't really that serious. When my son called me back to tell me to hurry up and I heard my Mom screaming in the background I knew it was something bad this time. I couldn't get there fast enough.

I'll never forget the ride over, not knowing what to expect, my heart racing, not wanting to wreck my car on the winding roads, but not being able to get there fast enough. The ambulance was there when I pulled in. I sucked in my breath when I saw it, reality hit that this was not a good thing. I walked in and my Mom told me they were all in the bedroom. I walked down the hall and saw my Dad's ankles and feet sticking out from the bedroom doorway, he was laying on his back. He had on his powder blue velcro sneakers that he looked so cute in.

I stood in the doorway and watched as they gave my Dad CPR. My Mom followed me. One of the attendants told me to get her out of there. It didn't compute with Mom what they were doing or the severity of the situation. I knew that he had stopped breathing. I walked Mom back into the kitchen just as my DH walked in. That's when I lost it. I threw myself into his arms crying like a wounded animal.

I watched as they continued the CPR as they carried my Dad out to the ambulance on the stretcher. My DH was great, he stayed on the ambulance's tail the whole way in. We pulled up to the entrance with them. That's where I saw them still doing CPR on my Dad and I knew he was gone. When the doctor said the words it finally sank in that he was dead.

I asked to see him. My mom, son, DH and I went in and my Dad was no longer my Dad anymore. He was just an empty shell. His wonderful, loving generous spirit had gone. The shell that he occupied while on earth was cold and hard.

I felt so guilty for awhile. My Dad had asked us to come over the day before for an imprompt Sunday dinner. I told him I was up to my neck in dirty laundry and I had a London Broil marinating. He joked and said to forget my London Broil and come have his London Broil. I said maybe next Sunday, on Father's Day.

I didn't know that next Sunday would never come. I didn't know that on Father's Day my sister and I would be putting Father's Day cards in his casket.

My Dad loved to refer to my sister, my Mom and I as his three girls. He always told us how much he loved us, how beautiful we were and how proud he was of us. He always had a big, glorious smile on his face whenever he saw anyone of us. He always gave us a big hug and kiss.

Your three girls miss you terribly Dad.

Dad, I miss you so much. I miss your wise advise. I miss the comfort and security of knowing you're always there. I miss seeing your face light up and the love in your eyes when you used to see me enter a room. I'm sorry I didn't come and have Sunday dinner with you. I'm sorry there was a slight wedge between us towards the end. Regardless of the wedge I loved you and I will always love you. Thank you for such wonderful memories. I know someday I will reunite with you again, until that time I pray for another visit while I sleep.

I needed to send my sister some pictures so I wrote her a letter. My sister was sad that she couldn't be there to go out with our Mom and I last night. I thought that part of my letter portrayed my parents, just a slice of their personalities and copied and pasted part of it in today's journal entry. Here it is -

' It’s funny with Mom, I always wonder before I pick her up, how long it’s going to take to actually get out the door once I get there. Sometimes she wants to show me things, like plants she’s bought and has on her porch or she wants me to hang things up like wind chimes or such. Then of course she likes to bring me to the freezer to show me all the food she’s prepared for me and frozen and that I have to remember to take it home with me when we get back. She had cooked her wonderful sauce that day to prepare more food for me on Sunday, and her apartment smelt so fragrant, really yummy. I could have gone for a big ‘ole bowl of spaghetti just with her sauce on it. But, I know she’ll prepare her eggplant parmigana and her lasagna and use her sauce for those dishes. I should tell her sometime, that all I want is her good sauce and I’ll make the pasta. I think she’s also going to cook Italian sausage and peppers. She loves cooking, but I think she just loves giving more. But, those dishes are definitely her specialty, that’s for sure. When you and Don come for a few days in November you know she’ll have all that ready and waiting for you.

You know what’s so funny? When Dad was alive she never did that stuff. Dad was the cook, but you had to eat it at his house, with him. Otherwise, he’d get upset. I remember once that we were late going to Mom and Dad’s house for dinner (I called an said we’d be 30 min. late), Mom was just fine with it, she’s so easygoing when it comes to that stuff. But, Dad was really ticked off. He made himself two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and proceeded to go to bed. When we got there at 7:00 we were so shocked. He sure was going to teach us a lesson, wasn’t he? But, he ended up with the P & J sandwiches and we had the hot meal, plus we missed an opportunity for a family dinner. Why was he like that? He was such a wonderful man most of the time but he had his little quirks, he did not like tardiness. No excuse for it. Boy, was he with the wrong family! You, Mom and I never ran on time. Remember all the times he’d wait in the car with it running for all of us, during family trips? You think after those years he’d have gotten used to it.'


I think Joyce's AKA JMAC35's journal entry about family memories prompted me sharing this with my sister and made me want to record it here.

Boy, I sure could go for some spaghetti right now!

Wow, today is a crisp fall day! It's really chilly out there. Especially with the wind roaring around. Suddenly, it blows so hard I can hear it pounding on the house and against the windows. But, the day is bright and the leaves are just starting to change color.

My DH is going to an evening Nascar race tonight and he's working right now. So the day and night are mine to do with what I want. I am actually going to spend it with my 86 year old, looks like she's 68 years old, Mom. We will do the girl stuff. Shopping and dinner, maybe a movie, but Mom tends to fall asleep at movies if it's in the evening. She's always done that, so it's not her age.

Kind of weird isn't it? Here I have the opportunity to do whatever I want and I choose Mom. I remember the days I couldn't wait to be away from her. Spending time with her was a thought I refused to entertain. While she can drive me absolutely bonkers at times (whose Mom doesn't), she's the only Mom I have and I do love her. I know when she's gone, I will miss her terribly.

And I'm not doing this out of any obligation. I do enjoy my time with her. We have a good time. I just wish my sister lived closer and could join us. The three of us always have a blast! My Mom says we pick on her. We probably do, always in a very loving way...and my Mom completely enjoys it! We're giving her attention and that's what she ultimately craves.

I know there are a few of you ladies that no longer have your Moms and miss them sorely. So I know that I should revel in this time I do have with her and take advantage of it. I plan on having a great day with her, it's always an adventure with my Mom, she's a rip.

I've spent the majority of the morning reading journal entries and e-mail. I have to be at work soon for an appointment with the phone company. I called them yesterday to relocate two phones at work and they let me know that the phones we've been leasing from them are no longer servicable. Those phones are dinosaurs and they have new ones. So she's coming out with a proposal plus she discovered we've been charged for two years when they knew these phones were discontinued. She says we'll have a rather big credit coming to us. I guess that'll help pay for the new phones. Ha! Ha!

Still no word from the mortgage company, except to say that we've been approved. No terms offered yet. They said because it's such a large mortgage they move more cautiously. I have no idea what to believe anymore. One good thing is that business has picked up.

I feel like crawling back into bed. I am in such pain today. This is very unusual. Mostly it's right upper shoulder and back pain and it's going into my lower back and leg. Plus headache. I have some major muscle spasms going on. I slept really poorly last night. Lots of tossing and turning and hearing my renegade 20 year old son coming in at 3:00 a.m.!!!

I also am experiencing menstrual cramps! Okay, okay I realize that's not possible but I am PMSing this week and I swear I have cramps! Is it kind of like when people are missing a limb but feel pain or itching in that limb? Is that possible for my missing uterus and cervix to feel ghost cramps?

Well, I think I'll go take some Advil and put a smile on my face and head to work.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day! I am sure gonna try plus I'm gonna make a beeline to my chiropractor before the day is out!

I have been lurking around here, reading everyone's journal entries and commenting but didn't really feel like writing anything.

I had been feeling really bad for about two weeks. Headache, sinus pressure and a really weird sensation in the bridge of my nose. Plus, total exhaustion. Finally, went to see my family doctor last Thursday and was diagnosed with a pretty bad sinus infection. He put me on Augmentin, which is pretty much the only antibiotic that helps me with sinus infections.

Luckily, by Saturday I was feeling better and was able to dress up and go out to dinner with my DH and another couple for my birthday celebration and DH's. We went to a club afterwards and DH told me I was the most beautiful woman there, while we were slow dancing. The way he looked me in the eyes when he told me that, made me feel beautiful. By the time we got home 2:30 a.m., we were so exhausted we just crashed. Waking up Sunday morning in each other's arms and making love was a wonderful way to end our birthday celebration. Then we spent all day Sunday together. We hopped on DH's Harley and went to breakfast. Then we took a ride to a bike rally (which was very dull) so we left and rode to a flea market where we indulged in these huge ice cream cones. The day was beautiful, in the 70's, the air was crisp and the ride on the bike was glorious. We got home about 3:00 and promptly took naps.

This past week-end has brought us closer to each other. My fear is that the daily grind of running our business and the financial pressures might put a crimp in our wonderful week-end. We still are waiting to hear from the mortgage company on our loan.

DH and I will just have to make a concentrated effort to keep the fires burning and the love alive. Relationships are such hard work but worth it when they do work.

I received an e-mail from a friend with a wonderful story about a child's innocence and hope and I thought I'd share it with everyone by putting it in my journal.

There is no title for it and it is supposed to be a true story. I've done a little research and some say it's an urban legend. Here goes anyway -

A little girl went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured all the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes. Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap, she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to Rexall's Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.

She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but he was too busy at this moment talking with a man. Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good. Finally, she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!

"And what do you want?", the parmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice. "I'm talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven't seen in ages," he said without waiting for a reply to his question.

"Well, I want to talk to you about my brother," Tess answered back in the same annyoyed tone. "He's really, really sick...and I want to buy a miracle."

"I beg your pardon?", said the parmacist. "His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?"

"We don't sell miracles here, little girl. I'm sorry but I can't help you," the pharmacist said, softening a little.

"Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn't enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs."

The pharmacist's brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, "What kind of a miracle does your brother need?" "I don't know," Tess replied with her eyes welling up. "I just know he's really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation. But, my Daddy can't pay for it, so I want to use my money."

"How much do you have?", asked the man from Chicago. "One dollar and eleven cents," Tess answered barely audibly. "And it's all the money I have, But I can get some more if I need to."

"Well, what a coincidence," smiled the man. "A dollar and eleven cents---the exact price of a miracle for little brothers." He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said, "Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let's see if I have the kind of miracle you need."

That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed without charge and it wasn't long until Andrew was home again and doing well. Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place. "That surgery," her Mom whispered, "was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?" Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost...one dollar and eleven cents.....plus the faith of a little child.

A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law.......

I'm not sure how true this story is or how old it is (Rexall Drug stores haven't been around for quite some time) but it's a wonderful, touching story full of hope and goodness. Hope, it has touched your hearts. It touched mine.

Yes, today is my birthday. Thank you Jody for announcing it and others for wishing me a happy day!

I can't believe that I'm 47 years old. When I was much, much younger I used to picture myself at forty. I pictured an older, sophisticated woman in business suits, with short, graying hair and just plain out OLD.

Well, I am so different than that vision. It wasn't more or less a vision of what I hoped to be in a career sense, it was just what I thought the 40's looked liked through the eyes of a thirteen year old. Plus, back in the '70's women didn't take care of themselves the way women do now.

So I am very different than what '70's mothers used to be. I wear jeans most of the time, pretty much as often as I can. I'm a jeans kind of woman. While I enjoy dressing up, especially to go out to a fancy restaurant, I am most comfortable in my GAP jeans. I like to think I dress them up, with attractive tops or sweaters and boots or sandals, depending on the time of year. I save my sneakers for shorts or sweatsuits. Work doesn't require major dress-up but I try to wear dress pants or capris most of the time.

My hair is not the way I pictured it would be. I like to keep it colored and somewhat long. I go through phases. From shoulder length to down to my shoulder blades. I go from flat ironing it to going with my natural curl. No all out gray for me. I color it and get it highlighted in the summer. And I am not ready, maybe I'll never be, for super short hair. I don't think my face can handle that. Some women pull it off beautifully, and I envy them. I don't think I can do it. And I love make-up. Nothing heavy, but enough to enhance what I have.

So I am not at all what I envisioned myself to be at forty-seven years old. I don't really feel it. Whatever that feels like. I'll admit some mornings and some whole days I feel like I'm seventy (whatever 70 feels like). All the aches and pains in my joints. But, overall I feel young and thankfully I have good genes and am told I don't look my age. So that's a big plus.

Thanks Mom and Dad for those great genes!

And thank you God for letting me see my 47th birthday, with my family and friends. I'm thankful for getting through my scary hyst surgery last April and leading me to this wonderful journaling community.

I'm especially grateful to have the privilege of getting to know such great ladies here!

Okay, now I am writing out of frustration!

Just got off the phone with the mortgage broker (I had to call him). He's telling me the lender now needs even MORE information. Next, they're going to want my first born! This has been going on for almost two months!

I left a message for our banker. I left another message for our MIA C.P.A. I do not understand how professional people can blow off their clients like this! When our business was booming they were all knocking down our doors!

This is definitely adding to my and DH's stress level.

I know that deep down I am depressed. I want to sleep all the time. I feel physically exhausted. I don't want to work-out, I don't want to go out with friends, I don't want to clean my house, if I'm not at work, I am content to stay home and vegetate and eat, eat, eat. Lots of comfort foods. :

It's hard for me to drag myself to work and I know they need me there. When I'm there, I'm a fireball. I keep busy helping the front office, anything to avoid my desk with the bills piled in heaps and the post it notes stuck all over my monitor requesting money.

I need to know if we're getting this loan, I need to know if we can pay our creditors, I need to know something concrete. I know that I can not physically, emotionally or mentally continue at this rate because I feel or rather I know it's hurting me. My hair stylist is even concerned because I am losing so much hair!

Just got off the phone with the MIA C.P.A. He was actually talking with the banker when I called her and left a message. He is at our shop and DH put him on the phone with me. Mr. CPA now has a better understanding of what the lender wants and will work with me this afternoon to put something together and get it to them. He told me to take a deep breath. He said it's not a big deal to put everything together. He said it was looking good for the loan. So I better go jump in the shower and get my butt to work and stay strong.

So we'll see.....I'm not sure I trust anyone at this point.

Yup, our CPA is missing in action! He was supposed to call DH this morning after he met with one of his kid's teachers, about 9:15, he was supposed to be done. Well, he never called my DH and DH, in all his male arrogance, said he refused to call him and find out what was going on.

Well, unknown to DH, I left a message for the CPA at his office and haven't heard anything. What is it with people? This man is supposed to be a professional! I suspect he has ADD though. He's great while you have his attention, but he tends to drift off into various subjects when you talk to him. A 30 min conference can turn into 90 minutes! He gets the work done but his follow-up stinks!

So another freaking disappointment with a professional person who is supposed to be helping us. He better have a really good excuse.

I'm going to just do an update today on the status of my financial mess at work. I promise no "woe is me" stuff.

DH and I think our banker played a dirty trick on us. She's got our commercial mortgage and had started processing us for an additional loan to help with our payables. Then all of a sudden she sent our packet to a mortgage broker who's processing us through some Atlanta company for a re-finance. She said they could probably get us better rates than her bank.

We didn't want to refinance, we just did that in Feb. '04. Why would our banker want to give up a huge commercial/mortgage loan, such as ours, for her bank? Unless, she sees that our company is going downhill and wants to unburden the loan on someone else, so that they're stuck with it? Refinancing will not help us pay our payables that are overdue. We've sucked all the equity we can out of our property, I'm not sure we can get much more. So we feel like she has jerked us along for two months now, letting us think we're going to be able to pay our creditors (and our creditors have been so patient, waiting for us to get this loan) when all we're getting is a lousy re-finance (which we haven't even gotten a solid ok for yet). We will not refinance again, unless the rate is better than 6.5% and the banker approves an additional loan with her bank. We are not going to let her off the hook, unless she promises us a commitment in writing from her bank.

Our CPA is going over to the bank with DH this morning to talk to Mrs. Banker. She's the president of the bank, so we can't complain to anyone about her. DH plans on introducing Mr. CPA to Mrs. Banker and leaving them to talk. Hopefully, Mr. CPA can make sense of her intentions, more so than we can. Mr. CPA wondered what she was up to. it didn't make sense to him.

DH and I feel so bad for our creditors, who are our vendors. The majority of these people we have done business with for almost 12 years. They trust when we tell them that we are working on getting a loan to pay them and catch up. If that doesn't happen DH and I will feel terrible.

If that doesn't happen, DH, Mr. CPA and I will have to talk about our other options, which aren't good ones. DH and I have an appointment to see an attorney next Friday to discuss our problems with the business and see where he guides us.

Maybe Monday will bring better news, it's my 47th birthday on Oct 4th, that would be a great birthday present! If not, then God has other plans for our business and our lives and I will just have to make peace with that.

As I continue to try and stay away from journaling all my personal woes for awhile, I will try to stay upbeat. So here is another, what I think is an angel story (Moonchime).

I read this in todays sports section (I never read the sports section) the headline caught my eye "DALE JR: DAD HELPED". For those of you that don't live in the south or don't follow Nascar, Dale, Jr's dad, the famous race car driver Dale Earnhardt, died in a crash on the final lap of the 2001 Daytona 500. And Dale Jr. escaped a firey wreck (his car was completely consumed in flames after he crashed) recently during a practice lap.

Dale Jr says that he believes his dad had a lot to do with helping him get out of the car. He made a point of saying that he didn't want this to sound like he was putting some weird psycho twist on the story like his dad was pulling him out of the car. He just feels like he had alot to do with him getting out. This is what he says he experienced:

"From the movement I made to unbuckle my belt, to lying on the stretcher, I have no idea what happened." Dale Jr. said the feeling of someone assisting him was so real that when he reached safety, he began inquiring about the "person" who helped him. "I had my PR man by the collar screaming at him to find the guy that pulled me out of the car", Dale Jr. explained. "He was like, 'Nobody helped you get out,' and I was like 'That's strange because I swear somebody...had me underneath...my arms and was carrying me out of the car.' "I mean I swear to God."

Okay, now if that doesn't sound like an angel story..... and I'm sure his Dad did have a hand in it, too. There will actually be an interview Wednesday night at 8:00 on the premiere of "60 minutes" on CBS. I'm going to try and watch it or record it.

I read the article to my DH and he said he believed he had help and he asked me what I believed. I said I believed it was probably his angels that helped, that's what angels do. My DH knows I believe in an afterlife, our deceased loved ones communicating with us and angels and all that wonderful stuff.

When I read that story this morning it just brought joy into my heart for Dale Jr. I think it let him know that his Dad is keeping an eye on him. Also, I think it's great that the paper published his comments, sometimes they veer away from anything not plausible. I feel like it will give validity to a lot of other people's wonderful, miraculous stories. And more importantly hope for those that have doubts.

Have a happy Tuesday everyone!

Now, I know I said I didn't think I felt like journaling for awhile and I don't....about the negative stuff. I'm going to give the bad stuff a rest for a little bit.

So on a positive note.....TA DA!! My vagina is feeling much better!

I took the Diflucan and of course didn't think about it anymore, as we tend to do when things don't bother us. And as I was reviewing my journal just now I scanned the entry about my fears regarding vaginal atrophy. I realized I forgot to follow-up with how the meds helped or didn't help.

So I guess it was the start of an infection. Although the nurse practicioner had asked if I was using anything or doing anything different down there. Now that I think about it I figured out what may have caused my problems.

I used to always use those special feminine wipes that came in individual packets, to freshen myself up. Well, I ran out. I was trying to cut expenses and thought that baby wipes might work just as well and you get more for your money. After all, if they are safe for babies skin they certainly would be safe for my skin. Well, I bought the generic brand and had been using them several times a week.

After my exam at the doctor, she told me to get dressed and meet her in her office. Her nurse handed me some tissues and a packet with one of those wipes in it. The nurse practicioner looked at me and said "do not use that, it could aggravate your condition." Meanwhile, I had just used one in the toilet when I wiped before peeing in the cup. Well, BINGO! the light bulb went off after I left that that could have caused my problem.

Needless, to say I will not be using those wipes anymore. Good 'ole washclothe and water if needed.

So I give praise on this Monday morning, to my healthy (although, underused) vagina!

After all that has happened this week, with my son's car wreck and my discovery of my DH's deceit, plus dealing with the financial stuff at work, I don't really think I feel like posting anything in my journal yet. I think I'm just trying to catch my breath and move out of this funk I'm in.

What I do want to do is to thank everyone that responded to my last entry about my DH and my fear of being judged. It's silly to feel that way, I know, but I guess I'm just embarassed. But, here goes the thanks to (in order of your response) - PraireLakeLady, Dylli, Gemsab, Jmac35, Californiagal, Moonchime, Aurora, jrothhaar, Northlights, jones74 and solana2.

Thank you sisters for comforting me and letting me know once again, how great you all are and how much I appreciate HS for bringing all of you into my life.

I am so heartbroken right now and confused that I can't really write anything in detail. I am also feeling fury. I feel so betrayed.

My trust has been so abused by my DH. I don't think that I can take much more. I'm trying to deal with our financial issues at work and possibly losing our business, my DS's recent car wreck and DUI and escape from possible death. I feel like I have had enough. The one person that I thought I could count on through all this "stuff" and now I can't count on him because he's been deceitful.

He's got a problem with the computer and he says he'll pack his computer up. I say if he doesn't deal with the problem that led him to the computer he'll find another outlet to vent his....whatever problem it's called.

He says he's sorry he hurt me. I say I've heard it a million times before and it's only words. Actions speak louder, right? And his actions are screaming at me right now.

I'm embarassed I think, to actually type out the problem I discovered...again. I don't want to be pitied, or looked down on or judged...I don't know. I don't think that would happen here....but I am embarassed. I shouldn't be. It's his problem, but he's made it mine.

I have given this man 22 years of my life. I should have run 21 years ago when I first discovered his addiction. I didn't know it was an addiction then. He was just being a man or so I thought. It's manifested itself into different things and outlets over the years but it comes down to the fact that he has a low self- esteem and needs constant approval/attention/someone to feel sorry for him and stroke his ego....I don't know.

I don't get it. I have never needed that the way he does.

I feel so weary right now and I know I need to cry. I pray that God continues to give me the strength that he always gives me to pull through this challenge. All this stuff is happening for a reason, I truly believe that.

One of these days I will figure out the reasons.

My DH and I went to church yesterday. We hadn't been in quite awhile. We were raised Catholic, I for one, have not felt comfortable in the Catholic church. I found it, too, confining, ritualistic, and judgemental. I stopped going. I didn't feel like I was getting what I needed from it.

We live in the south, where Baptist churches dominate. We were invited to go to a Baptist church by a friend of my DH's. We planned on going this Sunday, and then after my 20 year old DS's car accident Saturday morning, we knew we couldn't miss going. We had too much to be grateful for.

We enjoyed it so much. We felt so welcome by everyone. It is a very large church. They actually had mini buses in the parking lot to pick people up that had to park in the far lots and bring them to the front of the church. I believe they had 700 people at the service yesterday morning. They have a beautiful choir, with a full band. We enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere, the sermon and the music. They even gave all the visitors a gift before we left. I know we will go back.

I do have to admit that I kind of missed all the stained glass windows that you see so much of in Catholic churches. Then of course there wasn't the big cross with Jesus hanging from it or all the saints. This was very simple. The symbol of the cross straight ahead with the baptism pool. (Which is a whole new thing for us, too).

I asked my DS if he'd like to join us, he said no. I won't force him, but I will talk to him about it, gently and a little at a time.

He is depressed right now and very quiet. Saturday morning in the E.R. he mentioned ending his life. I'd like to believe it was the alcohol and the imminient threat of his license being revoked for four years. But, I won't brush it away. I know that is a very real threat with todays youth. I feel like I can read him pretty well and we have always had an open relationship....but I won't let myself feel too secure in that.

We will just take one day at a time. So much on our plates right now to deal with. So much stress and pressure between our business and financial problems and our son.

Remarkably, I feel very calm and know whatever happens I can handle it.

It has been 3 hours since my DH and I brought my 20 yr old DS home from the emergency room. We got a phone call at 5:45 a.m. this morning from my older son and his girlfriend that "C" had been in a car accident and needed to go to the hospital but was refusing to go. He was drinking and driving and hit a big oak tree, head-on. The steering wheel is broken, the doors wouldn't open, glass had to be broken to get him out.

My DH and I insisted he go and so we went. So far, physically he is okay. He needed a few stitches in his hand. He has a swollen eye with a cut and possibly broke his nose. Lots of cuts all over and bumps on his head. They did no x-rays in the hospital but a sheriff showed up and ticketed him in the E.R., they took blood for court [they didn't even swab his arm before they took blood, I noticed too late].

The thing is, this is his second DWI. He just got his license back in July. Now he will lose it for four years. He is freaking out about that. He's talking about joining the military. I think that may be a good idea, my DH hates the idea with the war going on right now in Iraq.

But, he is alive. He escaped horrible injury and possible death, a second time around. He didn't hurt anyone else. The first time, his jeep went down a 20 feet ravine, hit a tree and flipped on it's side. He didn't have a seat belt on either time. He has a guardian angel that has been with him both times, he has been very lucky.

My DH and I feel lucky we still have our son. But, we feel he has an alcohol problem. He says everyone he knows goes to parties and drinks. I'm sure they do. I have been there and done that. But, he has made the bad choice to drive. Plus, he drinks so much that he has moments he doesn't remember.

I seem to be in a weird mode right now. I am very calm. I think I always knew this would happen again. Every night before I go to bed, when he's out, I pray that God keep him safe. God pulled through a second time, next time he might not be so lucky.

So now we need to get an attorney. The court date is Nov. There will be community service, alcohol classes and maybe jail time. Our town is really hard on DWI's. Plus, the cost. We will make him pay out of his savings this time around, we have had enough. He has totaled 3 cars we've bought him. Two totals were due to alcohol.

But, he is alive, I thank God for keeping my baby alive.

Well, I had my OB/GYN appointment yesterday and I'm still scratching my head, I'm not sure what's wrong with my vagina.

First, let me start by saying when I pulled up to the doctor's office there were two pregnant women standing outside the doors talking. I just thought they were chatting, then noticed the sign on the door, "Office meeting, will re-open at 1:30". Well, it was 1:35. The women told me the door was locked. Another woman joined us, also very pregnant. They all got into the "pregnant" lingo, that pregnant women tend to do. Mention of ultrasounds were discussed, where they were registered for baby gifts, how pregnant each of them were, etc.

I just stood there, feeling very isolated, very old and very sterile, missing that one integral part that makes a pregnancy a possibilty. I knew they didn't mean any harm and couldn't possibly imagine that I had a hyst. I mean when I was their age and going to the OB/GYN, I never thought about that, I probably didn't even know what it meant. I thankfully, have two children and didn't plan on anymore, so this didn't devastate me. I can't even imagine how someone younger than I could feel, that has never had children, that would have had to experience this. There should be separate entrances for pregnant women!

I saw the female, nurse practicioner that I love so much. She told me I looked great since my hyst. Healthy. She thought maybe I looked anemic before (I actually wasn't, but maybe I looked it).

She did a very thorough exam, like always. She pulled out her handy little mirror and propped me up with pillows so I could see myself. She always does this. She asked me if I had looked down there with a mirror since my hyst. I laughed and said, "No, I've been afraid." She thought that was funny. She had me push, like I was giving birth, she said if I could remember how to do it. I actually couldn't remember how but I tried, she told me I had good muscle tone and my bladder didn't drop when I did that.

She used that awful speculum, which I dread and took a swab to look under the microscope. "W" told me that my vaginal tissue was healthy and plump, no atrophy, which I was worried about. "W" also said that if she didn't know I had a hyst, it would be hard for her to discover evidence that I had one, because I looked so healthy down there. She showed me the vaginal cuff (with the mirror), nothing looked awful to me, quite normal actually AND healthy.

She probed and pushed and pressed down on my ovaries. No overwhelming pain, obviously some discomfort, but who wouldn't be. All looked good. I did experience that awful "burning" sensation that I get, after she was done.

So what's wrong with me? She analyzed the swab specimen and said I have a lot of yeast. She said yeast is normal, but maybe I had a little too much and was starting an infection. My symptoms suggest this. "W" said that if another woman came in with the same specimen and no symptoms, she wouldn't prescibe anything. She gave me an RX for Diflucan and some K-Y jelly samples, some different type that you apply to the outside of the vagina. I used it last night and it was soothing. She said to try Replens (a lot of ladies here recommended that). I'm a bit hesitant to use the Diflucan, that kills all the healthy yeast. I started taking an herb that provides healthy bacteria to your system, if needed. I am very big on herbs.

"W" also explained that when you have your cervix removed sometimes dryness is a problem. The cervix helps provide additional moisture to the vagina. Well, I learned something new, because my GYN, Dr. J, that did the surgery, never told me that.

"W" saw no reason for my bladder leakage. She suggested I go to a urologist for a test. They insert a cathether and fill your bladder with saline. They have these electrical, type probes that stimulate the urinary tract and bladder and would show any abnormalities. I asked what the solution is if they find any abnormalities. She said there actually isn't any solution, but it's nice to know what's wrong. "W" asked me if I wanted her to schedule it. I told her I'd like to think about that one.

So I am thrilled that I don't have vaginal atrophy and my vagina is so darn healthy. But, I wish I had a more definitive answer to what I am feeling.

I suppose I just need to try what she suggested and not expect an overnight solution.

Okay, this entry is going to be Jeanette's pity party, but if I don't vent I think I'll go nuts.

Yesterday was the day from h*ll for me. Work actually has picked up a bit, which is a good thing. The bad thing is that we need lots more parts and paint for the jobs. And we're on C.O.D. with our vendors till we catch up on our bills. So any money we do have goes right back out the door. And we are running out of money. Actually, as of the last check I wrote yesterday, we are overdrawn.

I had phone call after phone call yesterday for people looking for money. I finally had to turn the calls over to my DH because my head was throbbing so bad. I knew I was having or going to have an anxiety attack because I was having trouble breathing and was getting heart palpitations. Then to top things off the NC Dept of Revenue is threatening us (I'm not sure what they're gonna do) for some late sales taxes and our insurance agent told us our premium was bumped up and we owe triple ($10,000) by Oct. 1st or face cancellation. This is for our building ins., work. comp., umbrella, you name it, every bit of coverage that protects us.

I keep calling our banker for the status of this loan she says was a sure thing and I keep getting her voice mail. She was at a Rotary Meeting yesterday. Why isn't she taking care of her customers? She's also so busy with The Chamber of Commerce and all the schmoozing that goes along with that, that she is never there when my DH and I call her. She has been working on this loan going on 3 months now! Things have gotten progressively worse for us in 3 months.

I am so frustrated. I am so torn up inside (so is my DH). We have worked so hard to have our own business and invested everything into it, for it to come to this. My DH doesn't want to give up, this was his dream. I commend him for hanging on, but at this point it's survival and sometimes you just have to let go of the burden that's suffocating you.

And that's how I feel, suffocated. I am so depressed. I was actually scared of how I felt yesterday. Not the physical stuff, I've gone through that before, but the on edge feeling. I was so frustrated, I could've bit someone's head off. I normally am very even-keeled and calm. I am the last person to lose my temper. I am "Libra, the peacemaker". Ha, Ha, I felt anything but that yesterday. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I didn't like how I was feeling, I was on the edge of something but I wasn't sure what. Losing my mind? What does that feel like exactly?

Well, that's my pity party AND on top of that I have to worry about my vagina.Whatever is going on with it, infection, vaginal atrophy, whatever, I'll find out tomorrow at my doctor's appointment. I can deal with the physical stuff. It's the "almost lost it" feeling I had yesterday that scared the cr*p out of me! I am always in control and calm, I am the one that keeps others in control and calm and I couldn't control this beast that was rearing up inside me yesterday.

That's the end, for now. I dread the idea of going to work, but I'll do it. I had no problem going when things were blossoming there and fruitful, so I have to ride the storm out. For some reason this is a lesson life is teaching us and we will get through it. Somehow.

I called my ob/gyn's office first thing this morning to make an appointment for the suspected vaginal atrophy I think I have. They asked me who I wanted an appointment with and I told them either Dr. J or W (the nurse pract. I like so much). I couldn't see Dr. J till the 29th of this month but W had an opening this Thursday. I took the appointment this Thursday.

I love my Doctor, he's a great surgeon, but he doesn't spend the time explaining things that W does. Whenever I'd see her with my uterine problems, she always pulled out my ultrasounds and showed them to me and EXPLAINED them to me. Dr. J never, ever did that. He tends to have a busier schedule than she does and that's probably why she can spend more time. But, she's a woman number one, and she seems to want her patients to understand what's going on with their bodies. I tend to ask a zillion questions and she patiently answers every one of them.

So secretly I am very happy that I will be seeing her. I'll bring all my Bio-identical hormones to show her, she doesn't think they're nonsense as I've sensed Dr. J does. I just want her to confirm my diagnosis or tell me otherwise and for us to put a plan of action in place. This condition is getting very uncomfortable and somewhat painful.

Last night my DH and I went to a restaurant in this outlet mall near us and I told my DH that it was becoming painful for me to sit there and wait for our food. Even as I sit here at my computer I am very aware that there is something wrong with my vagina. That sounds so weird, kind of funny actually.

I will keep things posted here in my journal. The adventures of my vagina. Not very exciting actually.

I have learned something new on this site again. It never ceases to amaze me.

I am 5 months post op and thought I was doing fairly well after my TVH. The 'ole ovaries are functioning well, PMS symtoms have seemed to simmer down and maybe have gotten better. But, I have noticed a problem. It kind of crept up on me very slowly.

It started with being kind of itchy (vaginal). Then the weird aching pain started. Then pressure. Not constant, just kind of in flashes or spasms. Not deep in my vagina, just on the outside and slightly in. Maybe a bit of a burning sensation, too. Sex is uncomfortable upon entry, kind of pinching and burning and then gets better. But, I don't have sex enough to know if it'll improve in time (libido issues)

It wasn't like any vaginal infection I've ever had.

Than this past week I experienced something I thought had gone away with my fibroid filled uterus. Urinary leakage. Thank God for my panty shield. I had light blue capris on at work and that leakage would have shown through if not for the panty liner.

Okay, that was enough for me to post a question under the post-op section and see if anyone experienced this before. Well, I got one reply and that's okay. The one reply gave me plenty of info. and I'm positive it is what is wrong with me. I've researched on the internet and seen photos, bingo! I'm sure it's VAGINAL ATROPHY. I will call my doctor and get an appointment. I don't ever play around with self-diagnosis, I'll get examined, as much as I hate the idea.

There is relief for this. It seems it's caused by a lack of estrogen in the vagina. Which in turn causes urinary problems. I actually have Estroil cream that's inserted in the vagina. I got the RX from my alternative MD last year for vaginal dryness. I used it before I went to bed last night. It can't hurt. But, as I sit here I am reminded of it by the slight itchy sensation and pressure.

And here I thought I was doing so well during this recovery period. I actually thought I had recovered. This really is disappointing and kind of scary. If left untreated there are potential complications. I'm so glad I posted my question here and so glad that I received that one wonderful answer.

Thank God for giving Kathy the idea and creativity for this site.

WARNING: This entry is about a religious movie and has my personal opinion in it.

My DH came home with a DVD he bought at Walmart that he and I have been anxious to see, "The Passion of the Christ". We sat down one evening this week and watched it. I was so disappointed in it and kind of ticked off.

I thought that it was an extremely violent movie. As violent as a lot of other movies I've seen. So much blood, gore and torture. I'm not sure Jesus could have walked to his crucifixation in the shape he was in, much less stand up. Jesus, as some believe, was the son of God, but he was a human being. He had powers of healing and vision but he was not super-human, God did not run interference in his torment and torture. So how could he have possibly not died from blood loss or been at the very least, unconscious from the loss of blood and pain?

I wish Mel Gibson had focused a bit more on how Jesus lived and the miracles he performed and his word. I realize it was about the last 12 hours of Jesus' life and it was meant to shock us but.....I think it may have been somewhat exaggerated.

Has anyone else seen this movie and felt like this?

Please remember, no offense to anyone, this is just my impression of the movie.

This is the second day that my oldest son has slept in this house since he moved out a year ago. He is 23 years old. He has moved back in. He was living with his girlfriend and he decided it was not what he wanted.

"J" was somewhat forced into moving in with her. I saw it happening and he knew it was happening but he is a nice guy and didn't want to hurt her. Instead now, she is hurt much worse.

He used to spend the week-ends with her and come back home during the week. She was sick or something like that and he stayed longer, he wanted to come home when she was better but she guilted him into staying. She'd say things like, "you don't love me, that's why you want to go home for the night." Then she started pressuring him into moving in permanently. He was 22 at the time and always had dreams of being out of the house, so he let himself be "coaxed".

It wasn't long before she started hinting on an engagement ring. This he couldn't do. He knew he wasn't ready for that or that he loved her quite enough for that. He talked to me about all this as it happened. I'd gently give him my advice but not push the issue. He ultimately would have to make his own choices.

Finally, he decided if he continued to stay with her she would be hurt even worse. He told me that he loves her but he is not in love with her. She treats him wonderful. She is very protective of him but kept him on a very short leash. That's what he told me. He felt like he was on a leash with her. He felt suffocated. She didn't like him to go out without her. Not even to Walmart. Meanwhile, during the week she goes out with friends, while he works, she gets her own personal time. She can afford to do this, she has a small trust fund that she gets every month that supports her lifestyle. He is like the rest of the human race and needs his personal space once in awhile. He never gave her any reason not to trust him. I guess this is her own insecurities.

So he is home and he seems free. It's like a weight is off his shoulders. He is such a great son. I don't mind him being home one bit. He is a considerate, kind, gentle young man and a wonderful son. We have a special bond, I think it is because he is from my first abusive marriage. He and I made it out of there.

Who knows, he may miss her and realize he is indeed, in love with her. She may realize that she needed to take off the leash and give him some space and trust. OR he may just move on with his life. We'll see. He goes over her house today to pick up the rest of his clothes and his cat. Yes, I get his cat back. I don't mind that either.

I will just continue to be his mother and be here for him regardless what he chooses to do.

I am sitting here this morning, reviewing everyone's journal entries and thinking of how everyone has their own personal, everyday demons to deal with. There is, of course, the occasional "up" entry and they are so wonderful to read (I especially enjoyed reading jmac's35 entry, about her week-end with her DH), but it seems that we all tend to vent about the struggles. It makes me wonder, when life is good maybe we don't need this place as much (myself included)????

Well, Jody beat me to our journal entries. If you've read hers, you know that we met for lunch yesterday before she left to go back home. There is a picture in my photo gallery of us, for some reason it's a bit fuzzy.

I got to meet her family, which I felt alittle bit bad about intruding on their farewell lunch together, but Jody assured me that it was fine with them.

Now most people that know me, know I'm kind of a quiet, kind of sit back and observe people before plunging in type of person. So meeting Jody, out of the blue was totally out of character for me. BUT, the thing is I felt like I knew Jody forever and I felt so comfortable with her. I guess that's what these journals do for us, we sure know more than most people in our lives know about us. My Dh, for example doesn't know squat, about what I write here. Nor does he have any interest in finding out.

When I tried explaining last night to "J" about Hystersisters and the connection we all have, he said (now don't get really ticked off at him ladies), "I guess I don't get it, what's the big deal with it (hysterectomy)?" I kept my cool and tried to explain that not everyone has fibroids like I had, or is able to have a TVH, like I did. I explained some of the complications. I think maybe he got it a tiny, little, itty bit. Then my younger DS asked me where I went to lunch and I told him about Jody and how we met. He looked at me like I had two heads and rolled his eyes.

Oh, well as long as WE understand one another, that's what this site is all about.

Moonchime's quote made me think about a quote I have taped to my computer monitor.

When my DH was in counseling his counselor had him read it and he cut it out and let him take it home. It was from this little desk calendar called "The Little Zen Calendar". I thought it was a "deep thought provoking quote" that's why I ended up keeping it.

Here's the quote, I'd be interested to here everyone's interpretation of it.

"I wish we were not so single-minded about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence might interrupt this sadness of never understanding ourselves and of threatening ourselves with death."
Author - Pablo Neruda

So what do you all think? I'm still trying to figure it out.

I have been at my computer all morning and afternoon, I was trying to read a few journal entries while I did some research for something for our business. I responded to Jody's entry (jrothhaar) and wouldn't you know it, she's coming in for her family reunion about 45 min away from me. We exchanged phone numbers and we are going to try and get together. Her story is so interesting about connecting with her birth family so many years later. And they're all located in the next town over from me.

I'm looking forward to meeting her.

Well, it is now hours later after my angry journal entry and I have calmed down some. I have basically spent the day vegetating. I had tons of things to do and didn't do any of them. After DH left I posted my "angry" journal entry and then crawled back into bed and put the TV on. My two dogs climbed in with me and I dozed and watched TV at intervals. Sometimes you just need to do that. The chores will wait for me.

Dh called me several times to see if I was coming down to the bike show and I told him no. He could tell I was not a happy camper. He was thinking I was depressed about our financial situation. There's a concert after the show tonight, the main band is Grand Funk Railroad and DH couldn't wait for them to come. I told him to go ahead and get me a ticket then changed my mind hours later. I called him but he bought the ticket already. He said he probably could sell it to someone, I said that would be great.

DH calls me back a few hours later asking me what's wrong and that it's not good for me to stay moping around in a dark room. I told him the room wasn't dark and I was watching TV, getting lost in mindless nonsense and not thinking about anything.

Finally, I let it come out about what I discovered on his computer files and he of course denied it. A few minutes later he did admit he still views porn and all men do it. I do know and understand that a large percentage of men look at porn in some fashion. I just worry that my DH will IM or e-mail women like he's done in the past. He said that wasn't happening, he made a vow to me that he wouldn't do that anymore, but he would look at porn. He was very disappointed I wouldn't be joining him for the concert, he said he missed me and wanted me with him.

I just felt like being alone today. If I could crawl up inside myself and disappear I would.

I appreciate everyones kind comments. In answer to some inquiries, I still have my ovaries but I AM going through PMS this week. So I will always remember what my GYN told me awhile ago, "never make any life altering decisions while you have PMS." Some very good advice. I normally don't jump the gun on decision making, I analyze my choices and try to do what's best. I love my DH, we have been together 22 years and have been through ALOT together, but sometimes I just don't know how much more I can take. I have always been very strong, but I'm sure I have a breaking point somewhere.

I'm sorry if this entry and my last one has been depressing or negative for anyone. I read Moonchime's entry and she said she deleted the one before that because it sounded so negative and negativity tends to spread and she didn't want to do that. I kind of feel bad now and somewhat guilty that I'm might be spreading negativity but I have to post the good with the bad. Please know that I might bottom out once in awhile but I pick myself up pretty good.

My DH has really upset me this morning. We have money issues. Not just little ones, life altering ones. Our family owned business is going down the tubes, we've borrowed and refinanced till we're blue in the face, creditors are calling constantly. Very stressfull. I handle our personal bills and I also handle our business' bills. So all the phone calls land on my shoulders.

I am very tired of it. So I've tried to take action before Bankruptcy is our only option. I've talked to a credit counselor in trying to consolidate our monthly credit cards (personal) and paying one payment for 4 and half years till it clears. That means cancelling the cards but who cares at this point. I've created an account on e-bay in the hopes of trying to sell our very expensive vehicles that cost us an arm and a leg each month. I also suggested we take them to CarMax and see if they would buy them. DH said okay to that, but Monday we'll do it. I've pulled out a set of Civil War collector plates and itemized them, in hopes of selling them on e-bay. I've asked DH to sell his collection of guitars, keyboard and all that goes along with that stuff (he doesn't ever play any of it). It's all just toys that he bought when we were doing well. We don't need this stuff. I've asked DH to send out an old riding lawn mower of ours and get it fixed so we can do our own lawn and cancel the lawn service.

Now understand, I discussed this with Dh one month ago and he agreed it was all a great idea but he has yet to do it. I'm not sure if he hoped a miracle would happen in a month and money would fall from the sky but he really has me ticked off.

So this led to an argument this morning. I felt like I was trying to strategize and he kept picking holes in my ideas. We ended up arguing about stupid stuff instead of tackling the real problem.

I also discovered on his computer at work last night (he was at a motorcycle show with his bike and one he customized) that I think he's back heavily into the internet porn and e-mailing ladies on yahoo!. I'm just guessing about the yahoo!, but the use is frequent and that's what he used to do. I think the stress is sending him back to something that he finds "comforting", this is typical of his ADHD. I didn't confront him on any of this. He was home before me last night and wanted me to stay with him and watch TV, he missed me all day. Meanwhile, I felt like punching him. I think I was a very good actress last night.

I feel like giving up. I feel in my heart like we should claim bankruptcy, get a divorce and each go our separate ways and start over. I'm 46 and he's 48, and it would be hard, but the stress is almost worst.

Right now I know my anger and frustration is talking and I'll probably calm down and rethink things but for right now.......

Now I promise I won't write about the 2nd or 3rd or 4th day without Bo. But, today was important, today was the first day in nine years without Bo in my life. I have kept busy all day long.

I had to go into the room I kept him in while he was ill. It is my workout room. I have been working out again and didn't want to not workout because of memories of Bo in that room. It wasn't as hard as I thought.

There were signs of him. But, those signs reminded me of the pain and discomfort he was going through. Not happy memories in that room. I never knew what to expect each day when I went up to visit him and feed him. He suffered so much.

When he was healthy, he was a big boy. He weighed 14.5 pounds. He actually waddled when he tried to run. He loved potato chips. When my DH would break open the bag and sit in front of the TV, Bo would join him. He would go on back of the chair and put both front legs on DH's shoulder and hang his head over for some chips. He also would sit next to our cocker, Freckles and watch us while we ate dinner. They would just sit there side by side hoping for a scrap of food.

Another habit he had, was that he would bang repeatedly on a closed bedroom door with both front paws till you let him in. What a racket he made! He also loved to be draped around our necks, like a lucious black, furry scarf. He had the most incredible emerald green eyes. When you called his name he came running. He was lovable, friendly, calm, and tolerated great abuse (the playful kind) from my two sons when they were younger and he was a kitty. He never bit them or scratched them.

When I brought him to the vet last week he weighed 7 lbs. He was literally all skin and bones. His fur lost that thickness to it. His eyes would dull over when he was in pain. But, when it passed they were bright again. He loved to be held and comforted. He liked to hug me. He would put both paws on each of my shoulders and snuggled with me. Like a great big hug.

After he passed on and I went home, I actually felt great relief. The decision had been carried out, he was no longer suffering.

Thank all of you that had such kind and comforting words for me, I appreciate each and every one of you. I'm so glad I have this place to come and put my feelings down. I'm so glad there's so many of you that understand how I feel and what I'm going through.

I probably will get another kitty in the future. I may go to the humane society or the shelter and save a kitty's life. I many even want two of them. When I feel ready I will do it.

First, I want to thank everyone for their prayers and support through this really tough time for me. It really means a lot.

I am back from the vet's office for 30 minutes now. It is done.
Bo has passed on. He left this world very peacefully.

As I pulled out of my driveway this evening to bring Bo to the vet, my two sons and one of their girlfriends all came barreling up the road. They came to say their farewells to this very loved and unique kitty.

I got to the vet's office late, they told me they would wait for me. They even waited for my DH to get there, he was delayed because of a car accident blocking the road.

I think my DH cried harder than I did. I've been crying all day, he's been holding it in all day. I'm so glad my DH was with me.

I have never gone through this before, but my sister has, she explained what to expect. The vet gave Bo an injection to sedate him first. She said it's what she gives animals right before surgery. She left DH and I alone with Bo to pet him and talk to him before he went under. It took about 2-3 minutes. He was very relaxed while we carassed him and kissed him and told him how much we loved him. Once he was unconscious she gave him the final shot in his back leg, in a vein. He passed very quickly. The vet left us with Bo to say our final good-byes. The vet examined him after he passed (not in front of us) and she found several more tumors in his groin and hip area. This made me feel more secure in my decision to put him to sleep.

Bo had a little scarf around his neck, light blue with green palm trees on it. I took the little scarf and tied it around the rear view mirror in my car.


I am having Bo cremated. I will order an urn from the vet's office when I feel a bit better. I figure if we ever move, I can take him with me. After what I went through with my Mom's toy poodle in the freezer and the whole burial ordeal, I figured I couldn't go through it again. Plus, it was hard for me to transport him to the vet to be put to sleep and then an hour later transport his dead body back home. I just couldn't comprehend doing that.

This was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I am glad it is over.

I fell in love with him the minute I held him in the pet store nine years ago and he crawled up near my neck and fell asleep. I knew we were meant to be together.

I will miss my precious kitty.

I sit here crying like a baby. My life is filled with a lot of stress right now. A business that is going under, bills that are way past due, bill collectors calling at home and at work, bill collectors looking for me at work (there were 3 yesterday, I wasn't in yet).

But, that is nothing compared to the decision I just had to make.

At 5:40 this afternoon, I will be bringing my beloved cat, Bo, to the vet so he can be put to sleep. This has been the hardest decision I have ever had to make. He is sick with probably a lymphoma type of cancer. He had a tumor removed last year. It has a fancier, longer name that I can't recall right now. He can not move his bowels because of a tumor in his colon. He pushes so hard, he vomits. He doesn't eat or drink much, and he walks kind of hunched over.

I held him this morning and he cuddled and purred. It broke my heart to look in his eyes and know the decision I needed to make.

I will stay with him when they administer the drugs. I will not abandon him during his last breathe. My DH has told me he will be there for Bo and I.

I am having trouble breathing right now, the pain is so deep. My stomach hurts from all my crying. I pray that I am doing the humane thing.

I changed the title of my earlier post, I thought some of you might find it offensive, it was titled "The visit from my perverted cousins" or something like that.

Brandy, my mom's deceased dog that was in the freezer for weeks and then spent 5 days in my garage refridgerator, is finally buried. My sister purchased a beautiful grave marker with his name and year born and year died. Ironically, because "the cousins" were here visiting while my sister was here for the burial, Brandy didn't get buried until today, after everyone was gone. My younger son dug the hole in my yard, I helped and we both buried him. My mom wasn't even present. Maybe it was better that way. My sister would have wanted to have some kind of service and it would have dragged things out even more. It's bad enough that my sister and mom viewed Brandy's body three more times before he got buried. It was hard on my mom.

So Brandy, the little apricot, toy poodle of my mom's, is finally at peace. His body anyway, his soul was at peace the minute it left his little body. I am so glad that this is finally over with.

Now I have to deal with my poor sick cat, Bo. I have had him back and forth to the vet since May. I have spent over one thousand dollars for his care. I'm not sure what to do now. He got through his kidney failure, then it was impacted bowels and he got cleaned out and sent home with instructions for his diet. Then he started staying hidden and not eating or drinking, so back to the vet. Impacted bowels again with dehydration. A large tumor is discovered during a rectal exam. A very enlarged lymph node is discovered in his groin area, during his bath. The vet suspects Lymphoma, which is the underlying cause for the kidney failure. I take him home yesterday to spend some time with him before I make my decision. My three choices are:

1. Take him to a specialist for a biopsy and an ultrasound for an accurate diagnosis and recommendation for treatment or euthanisia.

2. Continue IV fluids and meds at home until he gets worse and put him to sleep.

3. Put him to sleep now.

His is not in the greatest shape right now. They gave him a steroid shot and some stool softners. He is having terrible trouble going to the bathroom, just little marbles. Actually, it's pretty soft and messy now. It gets all over the back of his legs and tail, his pride is destroyed. I keep him locked up in my work-out room. He wants to explore the house but with the stool all over him, I don't want it everywhere in my house. So I visit with him and he rubs me and purrs. He's very bright eyed but he's frail and his bones poke through his skin. He's kind of hunched up and his rectum is weird looking, sore. I guess all that poking in there and enemas. He hurts when I lift his tail to clean him. He cries from cramps in his belly. He was just curled up on the floor earlier, with drool running from his little mouth. He's not eating or drinking and he's losing more weight. He used to be fat, at 14 lbs, he's now 7 lbs. That's a lot of weight to lose for a cat.

So I am torn. I have cried many tears over having to decide what to do for him. Any advice anyone can share with me would greatly be appreciated.

It's been six days again since I last posted a journal entry, I guess that's becoming my norm.

I tried to sleep in a bit this morning since the past four days have been extremely hectic. My DH left early to go play golf. I typically need at a minimum, 7 hrs sleep to feel human, I've been averaging 4 hrs sleep per night since Wednesday, the 18th, when "the cousins" finally arrived. I thank God that my sister was here to see them and share in the reunion, amoungst other things. She came in on the Greyhound bus Monday evening, the 16th.

These are the cousins that I was hesitant to visit with, the older one "F", was a pervert when we were younger, made my sister and I quite uncomfortable. The other one, F's brother "S", was just always kind of in lala land, alittle spacey and naive. WELL, how things change with age.

F has aged quite a bit. He's 2 years younger than me, 44, but he looks about 60 yrs old. He's bald, with whatever remaining hair being gray. He's paunchy in the belly. He walks kind of bent over and shuffles, he's got a bad back from a car accident. He also has some kind of heriditary disease that weakens the muscles in his hands. S has also changed, he's broader in his build, he works out, he has a better more stylish hairpiece, kind of spikey and his remaining hair has no gray, but his whole facial structure has changed. If I bumped into him in a crowded street I would never have known it was him. I last saw him when we moved to NC, 14 years ago. It's amazing how someone's face can change that drastically.

Our visit, all in all, was fun. We all laughed a lot. We reminisced about the family and childhood adventures. F turned out to be a caring, considerate, funny man, despite the physcial pain he obviously is in. S has seized the opportunity his divorce has brought, and run wild. He is a very open and honest individual and didn't think it odd, to share his new lifestyle with my sister and I. To make it brief, because I'm not sure how much of this I can post here without it becoming obscene, I will summarize by saying that he meets women on the internet for sex. Now while that may sound pretty common in this day and age, what shocked all of us is that the site is specifically for people who are into S & M. This surprised my sister and I because S was always so naive and innocent as a young man, or so he seemed.

The way he told us about this is because of something I did. I offered to let him use my computer to check his e-mail. While I was standing in the room, he turned and advised me I might be offended by what popped onto the screen next. I told him I was an adult and had seen porn before. He said it wasn't that and then BINGO, I saw what it was. My jaw dropped. He showed me his profile, with photo's and his "duffle" bag and it's content, his "bag of toys".

Now I try to be open minded and not judge anyone. My theory is whatever "floats your boat" as long as you're not hurting anyone and the other individual is a willing participant. Who, am I to judge? But, this did shock me. I just don't get it. My sister and I were flabbergasted, that's about the only word I can think of to describe our surprise.

The other thing that shocked us was that S wouldn't shut-up about it. He had almost a child like eagerness about him to share his exciting new lifestyle with us. F kept telling him that enough was enough, but S wanted to tell us about details. He wanted to make it clear that he didn't hurt anyone, he did what they wanted. He was worried that my sister and I had lost respect for him now. He also enjoyed hugging my sister and I a lot and telling us how beautiful we turned out to be. He was very hands on with us and made us uncomfortable. I will not get into some of the other things he did to us in a joking kind of manner. But, my sister and I believe that if we invited him into our beds he would have eagerly jumped in. SICK.

So it is kind of funny how the tables turned. We feared being around "F" and actually turned out to enjoy his presence. And "S" turned out to be the one we needed to watch out for.

I will be posting photo's with F and S, and my sister, mom and me and DH.

I need to do an update about the dog in the freezer and my cat, Bo's condition. But, I am tired right now and I'll take a break and post later.

It's been six days since I last posted an entry. It's not that I've been so terribly busy, I keep checking in and reading everyone else's journals....it's just that I don't feel like I have anything interesting to say.

I guess I can post a few updates -

1. My mother's deceased dog, Brandy, is still in her freezer. My sister is coming into town tonight on the Greyhound bus. Hopefully, tomorrow will be the burial of the poor frozen dog. My sister kept trying to convince my mother to purchase a doggie casket, cost $70. My sister even offered to buy it. Neither one of them can afford it. My mom said no. My sister said that my Mom needed to put Brandy in a rubbermaid container and buy some sort of waterproof sealant for the edges. Ideally, the container should be bowed up in the top so the pressure of the earth doesn't cave in the container lid. So my Mom is on the hunt for these things today. I think it's ridiculous. The dog is dead, we wrapped him up all nice in his blanket, with his toy and put him in a box and then a plastic garbage bag. The body will decompose anyway, what does it matter if it's sealed airtight in a container? But, I let them do what they want, I will just provide my backyard for his final resting place.

2. My two male cousins that I wrote about in an earlier entry, are coming in this Wednesday night. I still feel weird about them visiting, but at least my sister will be here so I'll have some back up. My sister feels the same way about these cousins.

3. My DH and I are awaiting final approval for a bank loan to help our struggling business. It's already the 16th of the month and I haven't been able to pay our home mortgage or our business mortgage. All I've paid for this month for our home bills is our electric bill, gotta keep the lights on. I haven't paid car loans, credit cards, cable, telephone, nothing, not to mention our creditiors at work. The phone keeps ringing and I check the caller ID, if the number is unknown I don't answer it. I am avoiding going to work during the week as much as possible, to dodge those phone calls. I've already talked to these people and I keep promising that when I have some money I'll send whatever I can. But, the little we collect goes to payroll and utilities. I go in on the week-ends or bring work home just to avoid the stress of those calls. I sit home tired and depressed, it's hard to get motivated to do anything. I am so afraid of losing eveything we have worked so hard for. My head feels like it's going to explode. I typically handle stress extremely well, but I think it's manifesting itself into physical symptoms, hence the tiredness, depression, headaches.

I guess this entry proved to be a little negative and down, I hate to do that. I just needed to expose that stuff and maybe it'll all go away? Wishful thinking. It's all in God's hands, I know that there is a plan and a lesson to be learned by all that's going on in my life. I just need to hang on. I know that there are a lot of people struggling financially right now. There is a lot of good in my life, a lot of things I am thankful for.

1. What time do you get up?.....between 6:30 & 7:30 a.m.

2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? living or dead......My deceased dad

3. Gold or Silver?..... Silver

4. What was the last film that you saw at the cinema?.....The Village

5. What is/are your favorite TV shows?.....The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, American Idol, Charmed, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Missing, Tru Calling, ABC soaps @ night/SOAPNET

6. What did you eat for breakfast?....Coffee, so far, probably an omelette, started the SBD yesterday

7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with?....My ex-husband

8. What/who inspires you?.....praying and knowing there's an afterlife

9. What is your middle name?..... Frances

10. Beach, City, or Country?..... Beach

11. Favourite ice cream?.....Mint chocolate chip or vanilla

12. Butter or plain popcorn?.... kettle corn, love the sweet & salty combo

13. Favourite color?..... Blue & purple

14. What kind of car do you drive?..... '04 Lexus RX330

15. Favorite sandwich?...... Chicken salad on a croissant w/lettuce & tomato

16. What characteristics do you despise?..... Lying, cheating, materialism, snobbery, meaness, laziness

17. Favorite flower?...... Pink roses

18. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go?...... Hawaii

19. What color is your bathroom?..... Blue and white with touches of yellow

20. Where would you like to retire?......Charleston, SC

21. Favorite day of the week?....Saturday

22. What did you do for your last birthday?.....We were in Myrtle Beach, for bike week, celebrated it there at Krispy Kreme, no restaurants were open at 10.00 p.m. when we decided to eat.

23. Where were you born?..... New York

24. Favorite sport to watch?......loved football when my son played, now I don't really watch much of it

25. Who do you least expect to send this back to you?.....N/A

26. Person you expect to send it back first?....N/A

27. What fabric detergent do you use?....Tide or Gain

28. Coke or Pepsi?....Pepsi

29. Are you a morning person or a night owl?.....night owl by nature, forced to be a morning person

30. Do you have any pets?....2 dogs, 4 cats

I finally got around and got the nerve to post some pic's of myself and some of my family on this site, not the greatest photos, but all I have for now. I kind of got prodded along when I read that Northlights decided to post her pic.

We reveal so much of ourselves here, in writing, but posting our picture's seems so much more exposing, almost like undressing ourselves.

Is it just me or does anyone else feel like this?

Update on my Mom's deceased dog - he's still in the freezer!

My sister has decided to take the bus in next Saturday for the "burial". She's leery on driving in, her car is very old, and her DH doesn't want to drive her 3 1/2 hours in to turn around and drive back home and pick her up five days later. I can't blame him. My DS won't tell her DH that Brandy is still in the freezer. He'd get grossed out and think her and my mom were total nuts!! (Are they?)

This has been very stressful for my mom. She cries to me everyday. She's moping around her apartment, crying, dreaming and crying in her dreams, she has diarrhea, can't sleep, etc. Last night she was crying and telling me she just wants to take Brandy out of the box in the freezer and just give him another hug. I, of course, talked her out of that one.

My sister, who desperately loved Brandy, wants to open the box when she comes and see Brandy one last time. My mom is looking forward to it. I don't think I'll be part of that idea. I contributed my part in packing him in the box with his toys, blanket and my dad's ashes, I think I've done enough. Plus, he's going to be buried in my yard.

This is driving me nuts! I'm trying to be supportive to my mother, but she can't move on until Brandy is buried. I'm trying to understand my sister's needs in this also.

I invited my mom over my house yesterday to relax by the pool, figuring she needed to get out and she declined. Her primary reason being that her body is ugly and she's disgusted with it. I told her that she wasn't going to be naked and she's 86 years old, things aren't going to be perky. Gosh, I'm 46, and things definitely aren't perky. We then went through what she could wear by the pool. A bathing suit was out. I told her to wear shorts and a t-shirt. She then went into a big tirade about not having nice t-shirts to wear. I told her my DS and his girlfriend would also be over and then she firmly said to forget it, she really wouldn't be comfortable. BUT, then she complains to me that I never invite her over, she's never been in my pool and she never sees any of us.

AHHHH! I tried.

I will continue to update about the "burial" plans.

It is so amazing how our spirits fill our bodies and make us who we are.

I think of this because of a question my sister asked me about my mom's deceased dog, Brandy (still in the freezer). She asked me what he looked like when I walked into the exam room and saw him laying on the exam table. I, at first got into the clinical, specifics. He was laying on his right side, mouth was slightly open, tongue visible, eyes open, like glass, vacant ...... ahhhh, vacant, he wasn't Brandy anymore. The part that made him Brandy, his spirit, had exited the little, furry, apricot colored body that housed him. All the hugging or kissing my mom relished upon his tiny body didn't matter anymore to Brandy, it only benefited her.

As I explained this to my sister, I could see so clearly in my mind, Brandy. Brandy in a beautiful, grassy field, filled with magnificient wild flowers, and tall, full, majestic trees. The colors so bold, sharp, vivid, bright, nothing that we've ever seen in this world. I saw him romping with other dogs. Brandy healthy and whole. And the most wonderful part of it, I saw my dad. My dad who died six years ago, very suddenly from a heart attack, who loved and cherished his petite pup. I saw him standing there with that wonderful, loving smile on his face that I remember so well. Watching Brandy frolic with our other poodles that had passed and some new pups we didn't know.

God gives us our bodies, to house our spirits while we fill the time alloted us on this earth. To learn live's lessons, make an impact on someone's life, or just be, until it's time to go home. Home, where there is no more pain, no more hunger, no more anger, no more hatred. Where we are healthy, happy and whole, at peace, back home with our creator.

It just continues to amaze me. When I think of my dad's body, laying on the cold steele table in the hospital room. I needed to see him, to let it sink in my head that this wonderful man that created such great childhood memories, was gone. I touched him and he was hard and cold. My dad was gone. What made my dad the person he was, was no longer there. That magnificent spirit had sailed away, I knew he was watching us. I dreamnt of him, he visited me, my sister and my mom often the few months after his death. But, his body was a vacant shell. I could only pay my respects to that shell and remember him from photo's, videos and pray that he would continue to visit me in my dreams.

I haven't dreamnt of him recently. Not those fuzzy dreams that make no sense. The dreams where you know you physically touched someone, the feel of their skin, the bristles of their beard as you kiss their cheek. You clearly remember these dreams when you wake up.

My mom wishes for a dream visit from Brandy. Maybe she'll get one, maybe he's just too busy at the moment, romping in that big, open field with the other pups. With my dad watching.

I saw the doctor yesterday and good news, my finger is not going to fall off from the dirty needle jab! By the time I got to the doctor yesterday afternoon my finger was turning kind of purple-red and was a bit difficult to bend. The doc said he thought it was just a mild infection under the skin from the bacteria on the dirty needle. I filled an RX for Keflex and got a tetanus shot. He didn't think the tetanus was necessary but since the last time I had one, was when I was a kid, he figured I might as well.

Now for my poor kitty, Bo. He is still at the vet's office. They wanted to keep him overnight for observation. They did an x-ray yesterday when I brought him in and it showed what the vet suspected from the physical exam. Bo was jam-packed with stool. He must have been straining to move his bowels and was leaking urine onto himself. They didn't think he was having kidney failure, he just couldn't go to the bathroom. That explains the pain he was in. I can definitely sympathize with Bo, after my TVH I was so inflated with gas and didn't go to the bathroom for four days. That really hurts!

So Bo got his first enema yesterday. They said it helped remove some stool, but not all. They were hoping he'd go on his own overnight. They were also going to do some kitty dialysis just to be on the safe side. I'm waiting this morning, for the vet to call after she examines him.

This is all a new experience for me. I've had cats (and dogs) since I was a kid, but never a kitty that had these problems. I've had a few real special kittys that I've just connected with. Bo is one of those. He is the most snuggly cat, I can hug him, I mean literally like you hug a person. One paw on either side of your shoulders and he doesn't pull away, he loves it.

AND - my mom's dog, Brandy that passed last week, is still in the freezer. We're waiting to see if my sister is coming in for the "burial". If she doesn't make up her mind soon I'm just telling my mom that we're going to bury Brandy this week-end. This is just tearing my mom up to know her sweet little companion is in the freezer. My mom needs closure.

I want to thank everyone that responded to my last entry for all your support and kindness. I know that not everyone feels the same way about pets so I appreciate knowing that there are so many other pet lovers at this site that can relate to what is going on in my life. Thanks sisters!

It's kind of weird how death happens. My mom has always said that when you hear of someone you know that has died or a celebrity dying, that it happens in threes. And usually she's right.

My mom's dog Brandy died on July 29 (he's still in the freezer), then the next day my mom received a phone call that a good friend of her's died. Mom said to me that they'll be one more dying, 'cause it happens in threes.

Well, last night I went to check on my cat Bo (I wrote in an earlier journal entry about Bo's kidney failure and how he responded so well to kitty dialysis. Also, how we treat him with IV fluids at home), my sweet kitty was not feeling well last night. I scooped his frail little body up into my arms and he snuggled his head down into the crook of my elbow. I sat with him a bit petting him and I could feel his bones and how thin his skin was. I was telling him I loved him and noticed that my other arm felt wet, his back legs and tail were damp with urine. Bad sign!

I immediately called out for my DH and he came running. I told him that Bo was in kidney failure again and we needed to give him his fluids, right away. We had company over but I kind of forgot about them while I pulled out the bag of saline and remembered I needed to replace the attached, dirty needle with a clean one. I couldn't recall how I disconnected the needle last time and I was kind of rushing. My DH kept telling me to hurry since we had people downstairs waiting for us. I pulled on the needle and it didn't come out but it slipped and stuck me in the side of my finger. Boy that hurt! It's a pretty big needle.

I handed my DH the needle and told him to figure it out since I needed to run my bloody finger under cold water. Everyone was telling me to go to the ER for a tetnus (sp) shot. I elected to skip the 4-6 hour wait in the ER and call my doctor's office this morning.

So I take Bo to the vet at 10:30 this morning, because he isn't doing any better. He tries to urinate and nothing comes out but he leaks urine, also he is in obvious discomfort in his lower body and he's just kind of mopey. I fear I might have to put him to sleep which leads me to the death in threes. It made me think of what my mother said when I saw Bo in bad shape last night.

Oh, and I have a 4:15 doctor's appointment for myself. My finger hurts and bleeds every once in awhile, I guess that needle went deeper than I thought. My mom freaked out when I told her what happened to me, she's afraid I'm going to collapse any minute now from cat germs.

Never a dull moment. I pray for strength if I need to make the decision to put Bo down. He's such a sweet, cuddly bundle of black furr. He's given me such joy over the years but I hate to see him hurt.

A few things have happened since I've last journaled. My mom who is a widow (my dad died six years ago) lives in an apartment with her toy poodle, Brandy. He has been her constant companion since my dad passed away. Brandy has not been in very great health. He's been on medicine for high blood pressure and fluid in his lungs, he also has a heart murmur.

Last week my mom said he wasn't feeling really well. He was sleeping a lot, was hiding under the table and had bouts of diarrhea. On Thursday, July 29th my mom took him to the groomer and intended to leave him briefly while she went to the store with her ex-neighbor. I received a phone call from our vet's office telling me they had a problem. They couldn't get in touch with my mom, the groomer had brought Brandy to them. Brandy had a heart attack while in the middle of getting groomed and died on the way to the vet.

I knew my mom would freak. While I'm on the phone with the vet, they tell me that the groomer's husband has called the groomer (who's still at the vet's office) to say my mom is there wondering where her dog is. I tell them to not tell my mom Brandy has died, just tell her to come there and they'll explain. I will meet my mom there.

I get there and my mom and her neighbor are already there. I walk in the exam room and see poor little Brandy laying on the table. My mom sees me and busts out crying and clings to me. She finally calms down, we talk to the doctor, thank everyone involved and have Brandy placed in a box for a burial. My mom wants him buried in my yard, I say okay.

I take my mom home, we talk to my sister who's crying her eyes out over the phone. My sister suggests that we sprinkle some of my dad's ashes in the box with Brandy. My mom thinks that's a wonderful idea. I think, thanks a lot sis! I unwrap Brandy and lay him on the table. My mom starts crying again and pets him and kisses him good-bye. We wrap him in his blanket and place his favorite toy next to him, then comes my dad's ashes. Well, I managed to do it for my mom.

Next, my sister decides that she wants to come in for "the burial". She lives 3 1/2 hours away and needs to co-ordinate time off with her husband so he can bring her in. So Brandy needs to go in the freezer. My mom makes room and bingo! he fits.

Now my mom is reminded of Brandy everytime she opens her freezer. She says she talks to him daily. She's even thinking of opening the box again so she can see him one more time. My sister has already informed my mom, that she wants to see Brandy before we bury him. My sister (if you haven't guessed) is a huge animal lover.

Don't get me wrong, I love my animals (2 dogs, 4 cats). But, I think that this is being dragged out too much for my poor mother. I don't think my sister is helping. She calls my mom 3-4 times a day and keeps talking about Brandy and to check on my mom. I keep trying to tell my mom that her grieving is normal and that if she survived my dad's death, her husband, she can get through this. So I'm trying to be her cheerleader and my sister....well, I'm not sure what she's trying to do.

My sister lost her 17 year old persian to cancer last year. Taffy is buried in a pet cemetary. She had a wake for her cat, who was preserved with formaldehyde. My sister had a special casket and headstone made. My sister has no children, by choice, her cat was her child. She was devastated for quite some time. She now has a new persian and spoils him to death.

I know that everyone grieves in their own way, I know my mom will get through this, she's a strong lady for her age. My sister on the other hand is being so dramatic and hindering my mom's grieving process.

All I can do is be there for my mom and try not to get upset with my sister's behavior.

My two male cousins are coming in three weeks for a visit. I haven't seen them since an aunt's funeral six years ago. My sister and I grew up with these cousins and their two siblings. These two aren't my favorites. I wish their siblings were coming instead. I guess that sounds awful but let me explain.

The oldest one F, is two years younger than me, the other one S, is about four years younger than me. F is a retired NYC police officer. He likes to brag about his cars, money, houses, the gifts he gives his girlfriend, rarely does he ask me questions about my life. He has never married. He pretty much is a jerk! He was one of those kids that got picked on and beat up in school and then became a cop. He took real pleasure out of pushing around hookers and pouring out wino's bottle's of cheap wine. He bragged about it. No one can tolerate him for any length of time. He's staying with my poor mom for four days.

My issue with F is that he would have molested me given the opportunity in our youth. His father as a teenager made my mother, his sister, touch him. He was trying to educate her naive self (so he explained) this was back in the 1920's. My mother had blocked this out until she was 79 years old and then she embarassingly told me about it and what triggered her memory. She confronted him and he kind of denied it, it put a wedge in their relationship for many years. On his deathbed they reconciled and my mom finally felt at peace.

F used to press his erection against my backside when we used to do whirlpools (everyone walking in the same direction in a circle, creating a whirlpool, tornado effect) in his above-ground circular pool. I guess I was about 12 or 13. I was very voluptous back then for my age. I used to attract a lot of unwanted attention. Any chance he got he would bump against me and rub, he'd always grab me around the waist and comment about my body. He also would always laugh and say "incest is the best". He even told my sister (she was about 10-11) that he had to put sunscreen under her bathing suit bottom on her behind, because the sun would burn her through her suit. She let him do it, she didn't know. My sister and I were very innocent and naive.

His brother, S, is kind of in la-la land. He tends to space out. He's a good person, he's done well in his job and he's divorced with four sons. I remember he had real issues with weight control. Always dieting, wearing weights strapped around his ankles. He'd comment, back when I was super-slim, when my belly was a bit poochy. Well, I am 30 pounds heavier and definitely not the slim person he probably remembers. I am also very self conscious of my weight gain. I fear that he will bring this to my attention. I know, at 46 years old I should tell him to shove it, but those old childhood insecurities come back and haunt you.

So I anticipate their visit with many different feelings. They are wanting to visit since their dad died last year and their mom is gone six years. They have no older relative except my mom. We, as cousins, have a long history. Family get togethers, vacations, birthdays, weddings, christenings, a lot of good memories. But, those childhood incidents bother me, always have. The ones with F. He gives me the creeps.

I of course haven't offered to let them stay at my house, I have the room. My mom's apartment will be a bit cramped. They haven't offered to stay at a hotel. I will not invite them to stay at my home. It just won't happen. They can come visit, we'll have a cook-out, I won't be alone with F, but he will look at me, he will look at my body. I will feel uncomfortable. I will get through it with the strength I have aquired with age.

NUMBER 1 - Finally got my medical records from my surgery. I'm actually kind of disappointed in them. I have the doctor's discharge notes, which are rather boring. I have the pathology report which tells me in medical terms (I had to look the words up) that I had Leiomyomata (fibroids) and my uterus was double in size. The description of my cervix was "chronic cervicitis and squamous metaplasia", which basically was polpys on my cervix and inflammation that can cause excessive vaginal discharge. I was always having polyps pulled off my cervix and I complained for years about the discharge. So nothing really surprising or new to me.

NUMBER 2 - I am feeling so much better lately. No more abdominal aches and pains, no more nausea, no more headaches. Whatever I had was awful! My chiropractor has helped with the headaches, I feel more like myself again! Hooray!

NUMBER 3 - I have started on Revival soy products. They were recommended to me by my Esthetician, she's been using them since having her baby in May. She feels great and has lost 30 lbs. Soy is supposed to be beneficial to hormone health, cholesterol, heart health, weight issues. I've been using them for a week and I do feel better. I have to take their enzyme capsules before each bar or shake, because I get terrible gas rumblings! I also can't take my Synthroid with them because soy (amoungst other things) interferes with synthroid absorption. So I have to take my synthroid at night. Not a big deal.

NUMBER 4 - My DH and I have a timeshare and we had a week we needed to use or lose before the end of the year. We were looking in the book and thought vacationing somewhere in the U.S. I talked to some people we know that just got back from their timeshare vacation in Aruba and said it was wonderful. So we are on our way to Aruba the first week of November. No cell phones, no work issues, just DH and me for seven days in a tropical paradise!

NUMBER 5 - Which leads me to think about my weight and wanting to feel good on vacation, so I am being very good about not pigging out and watching the junk food. So far so good. DH doesn't have the same issues (do any men?). I keep telling him I wish he'd have the darn baby already so we can make a lot of money and his belly would go down. I'm not sure if he finds it humorous or not, he just smiles and eats more doughnuts. He keeps asking me to help him lose weight, but I can't do it, he has to commit to it. His belly is actually starting to overhang his belt, it really is not attractive to me, at all. Alittle bit of a belly was okay, I could deal with it, but now he's getting bigger and bigger. He even finds it unattractive and he's disgusted with himself but......he just won't stop eating those doughnuts that are at work. He definetly has a case of swelly belly!lol

NUMBER 6 - My DH and I are waiting for word from our bank for a loan from the SBA for our business. Hopefully to get us alittle bit out of the hole we're in and then we have a business plan we'd like to implement. So I pray we get this loan or else I'm not sure how our 11 year old business will survive.

NUMBER 7 - My youngest DS (20) just experienced his first romantic heartbreak and my heart breaks for him. He typically projects such a tough guy image, but when he comes to me and says, "Mama, I don't know what to do. I can't sleep, all I keep doing is dreaming about her." And then these big 'ole tears poor from his beautiful, blue eyes and all I can do is hug him. He hugged me yesterday and thanked me for being there for him and not being negative and telling him to "just go and find another girl", like all the guys he works with are telling him. That's all a mother can do, just wait till they're ready to talk and just listen. I tell him to listen to his gut instinct and go with what that tells him.

Well, I think that about sums up things since I last wrote in my journal. Time to get ready and put in a work day. Till next time.

On July 1st, I faxed my request in for my medical records. I want to know the details of my surgery. I didn't request the nurses notes because I remember all that. A few days ago I got a packet from a company called Smart Document Solutions, it had in large, bold print on the envelope IMPORTANT MEDICAL INFORMATION. I was so excited and so impressed, wow in a few short weeks I had my med. records.

Surprise, surprise! It was a bill for my medical records and a copy of my written consent. No one had said a word about cost over the phone, I didn't ask either. I would have tried to phone pay so I could get my records sooner. So I sent them out a whopping big check for $3.60, for four pages.

So now I wait....again.

Okay, I'm back on the computer, sooner than I planned, since I'm fighting this hystersister's addiction but....I have to write....my mother is driving me nuts again!

As I've written before my dear 'ole 86 year old mom, who looks 70, acts 13 at times, and treats me like I'm HER mother, loves attention. She also pulls the martyr act every now and then, especially since my dad died. She thinks she's a comic, when a lot of her supposed jokes are critiquing me and looking at others to laugh. Hah, hah sweet little lady is a real riot! That type of thing.

Yesterday I decided to reschedule my chiropractor appointment from morning to mid-afternoon (I had to leave work and then go back), when she would be there, so I could see her. This way I wouldn't have to hear how she hadn't seen me in awhile and I must not like her anymore. I figured she'd be pleased and of course, she's my mom and I love her, so I do enjoy her company when she's not in one of "those irritating moods". I think she almost tries to punish me for not visiting with her sooner.

I got to the appointment on the scheduled time (usually I tend to run late) and she wasn't there. They asked me if I wanted to wait till she got there to be seen by the doctor. I decided to wait. I saw her pull in fifteen minutes later and I went up to the desk and signed her in. I was trying to move things along. She'd take ten minutes to sign in, because she'd start writing, then stop and socialize and joke around with all the staff. She also keeps patients behind her waiting. I like to get in and out, BUT I do understand that she probably is a bit lonely and likes to chat.

Well, she walked in and immediately commented how I was there before her, like how dare I get there before her. She sashied in, thinking she was pretty hot stuff because she had on new sunglasses. I didn't realize they were new, they looked like my dad's old aviator glasses. They were huge, too big for her face. Not attractive. Sometimes she wears his stuff and I thought they were his glasses. I looked at her and commented to her about wearing dad's glasses. WRONG THING TO SAY! She later said I embarassed her and she was off and running her mouth, making sure to make me look like a horse's a--!

Through the whole doctor's visit she made jokes about me, asked people if they wanted to adopt me since I treated her so awful. She asked me to remove her shoes before she got on the exam table, she didn't want Dr. A to touch them because they were dirty. The doctor and I looked at each other and commented at the same time how it was okay for her daughter to handle the dirty shoes though. My mom just replied how I was mean to her and teased her everytime I saw her. I do tease her once in awhile and she LOVES it! It's attention. She kept going on about her sunglasses, she wouldn't take them off until the doctor commented on them. He just loves her to death, so he thinks she's a real pip! He called her Hollywood when he saw her, I kind of forcibly removed her glasses so the doctor could get on with the exam. Of course, during my exam she distracted him and I so much that I don't think I had a real thorough adjustment.
Needless to say, I will continue my doctor visits solo. My health is too important for my mom to distract the doctor.

This morning when I called my mom I heard all about yesterday's doctor visit, as if I hadn't been there. She then went on and on about how I embarassed her about the sunglasses and how I was on a roll yesterday, picking on her. I told her I was trying to defend myself because she took my comment about the glasses the wrong way. I'm not sure she understood, so her version of the story remains the same, I attacked her. Of course, when we went out into the parking lot she made sure to casually mention that my haircolor wasn't looking too good! Then she hugged me and said it was so good to see me and that she missed me. AHHH! What does it all mean?

Well, I feel better for venting. Oh and to add just a little more info. my mom has a part time job and friends, so she is not isolated from people. She tries to stir up attention everywhere she goes. This is not uncommon behavior for her. It's just gotten worse since my dad passed six years ago.

It's been five days since I've written in my journal. Our cable modem was on the fritz and the cable guy came out today and fixed it. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I have become addicted to this site. I have actually been neglecting my house, neglecting my work outs and getting to work later than I plan on.

This site has been a Godsend to me. Before and after my surgery I spent so much time on it. It gave me answers to all my questions, during my investigation and research phase and during my recovery and recuperation time. Now I just like to log on and see what's going on in everyone else's lives and record what's going on in mine. I feel like we all have a common bond of understanding here. Everyone truly cares about each other, especially in this journal area. It's such a wonderful feeling to see the support, love, tears, frustrations when everyone responds to the other's journals. A real sisterhood.

So even though I have to back off alittle bit from journaling everyday, I can't totally let go of the comfort I've discovered here. So I will be peeking in now and then and recording in my journal at least once a week.

Thank you ladies for being so wonderful!