I don't know how many people are still on this journal site who will know who I am, but just in case - here it is:

It has been 2 years since my hysterectomy, something that took much longer than I ever imagined to heal from.... and which changed my life in many positive as well as negative ways so that it's hard to say if my life is better or worse because of it.

I don't have horrible cramps any more, I don't have awful bowel problems like I had during my periods (endometriosis attached to my bowels), I have a much more stable mood. It was the right thing to do, medically.

I was forced to think about my place in this world and in this family unit, and how much I overprotected and overdid for my children, to their detriment. It is very hard to fix somthing like that when your children are young adults. But I am now saying no, you need to do that yourself - I have had to.

I do still have sharp twinges in the surgical area. I am much heavier than I was before my surgery. I have much less energy, and have worse fibromyalgia, worse arthritis. I hope those things will get better.

But I no longer have the time or the need to continue to journal here, and I see that as a "good thing".... so I will say good bye.

God Bless.

I mowed the lawn, and it's only 10am. I don't usually mow, but it needed it and I knew by the time DH got home it would be a sauna out there. The heat index is already over 80.

Of course, I mowed mainly in the shady areas and left the sunny areas; with so little rain lately, the shady areas are the only places the grass is willing to make an effort LOL.

Dripping with sweat and heading for the showers,
ttfn

Well, I feel better today despite the fact that nothing has changed but the weather (it's gloomy and wet) and we have the air conditioner on.

Hormones? Atmospheric pressure? Eh?

Thank you all who read and made suggestions. It's nice to know someone is out there thinking about you.

I have hobbies galore (I am a polymer clay artist who sells beads on justbeads.com and love it) and teach polymer clay classes at Michaels. I have lost touch with friends so I need to get on that part of my life.

I need to get exercise, I know that would help.

=phew=

Thank God. Thank you all.

Still low, still feeling so lonely. I think I'm going crazy, I'm so foggy.

How can one be living in a house with 3 other people and eight bunnies and feel so utterly alone.

Feeling depressed and don't know precisely why...
well, if I'm honest I do know why on some level. I have managed to slowly lose contact with most of my friends. I'm fatter than ever. My house is... well... just as awful as ever, cluttered, disorganized. I am angry all the time and tired all the time. I'm on enough antidepressants to lift an elephant out of the dumps yet still here I am.

I want to have people over but I would die of embarassment if a neighbor had to come in, let alone have a group of people in here.

I feel like my husband sees me as a crappy housekeeper - and it's not the crappy part but the housekeeper that makes me the lowest. I didn't sign on for this stinkin' job, and I told him so early on in our marriage yet here I am.

I feel like there is a knot in my chest, the kind you get when you feel like you are going to cry but I'm not crying.

I am hot half the time but don't want to take more estrogen because it gives me migraines.

On the up side (?) my DD was finally able to finish her requirements for a high school diploma (she's 21, long story, but she has reason to be proud of herself). She got a job at Michael's because I am an instructor there and I told my supervisor DD would be great with the kids' classes and it's her first job other than babysitting.

Shoot, my monitor is going bonkers... We need a new one but $$$$

DS (17) had some testing done at our request to see if he has learning disablities since it takes him so much longer to complete schoolwork than his peers even though he is very bright. Turns out that he has no learning disabilities, he takes a long time because he is a perfectionist (which is what I thought all along, my DH was the one who was convinced it was a learning disability). Turns out DS has an IQ in the 99th percentile, which is also no surprise to those of us who know him. That puts him in the MENSA category. He just has to loosen up and let go - go with the flow so to speak, not worry that people might think he's stupid. HA! I say to him now we know he's smart and he can't change that. LOL

gotta go before I lose the screen again. sigh

One year ago today, probably at this very moment, I was recovering from my hysterectomy. It's hard to believe. I didn't realize what an emotional milestone this was until I started typing this entry - I'm crying....

My God, what a tough time it was recovering. I remember the emotional rollercoaster ride when they took me off of morphine and put me on vicoden and I began having panic attacks and hallucinations, afraid I was going crazy and afraid if I told someone they'd put me in the psychiatric ward. Hormones going berzerk and no one to tell me it was normal.

Feeling so incredibly weary, vulnerable, helpless, useless, and in pain when I finally came home and leaning on the door jamb and sobbing "what have I done?" and wondering if I would ever ever get back my life. Taking a shower that first week, arms, legs, all my muscles feeling like LEAD. I can feel that despair even now, as I bring the memory out from the depths of my brain.

In some ways I consider the past year as a lost year.... yet I gained so much.

All women who go into this surgery need to know what they are getting into. I don't care if they want to know or not, they need to know. Recovery is different for everyone, as different as each individual's health and reason for surgery... BUT it takes EVERY body at least a year to heal, regardless of how good or bad they feel. If you don't know that you might feel crappy for months, you start to freak out - thinking that something is wrong with you if you don't bounce back at the magical 6 weeks mark.

SO!!!! Pulling myself out of the funk of depression and despair that is my memory of this day....

Here is my one year report:
I am doing well. My life has changed as a result of the surgery, and I have accepted that, even embraced it.

1. I feel better physically - I suddenly realized about a month ago that this surgery, while taking away a segment of my life this past year, has GIVEN ME BACK my life now: I was getting progressively worse and worse menstrual cycles before my surgery, what with worsening cramps, horrible pain during ovulation (which, granted, was not happening every month) and painful diarrhea and gas during my period and ovulation. I did not know it, but endometriosis was expanding to fill my ovaries, and attaching itself to my bowels, and causing an ovary to adhere to my uterine ligaments. I was losing a good portion of every month to pain, and it was getting worse. I DON'T HAVE THAT PAIN ANYMORE!!

2. Sex is different. In some ways better, in some ways less than it was. Better because I am more aware of my anatomy and what gives me pleasure. Better because I am not in pain or bleeding 2/3 of the month. Less than it was because although I can get an orgasm, it is not the full body orgasm of pre-hysterectomy which included contraction of my uterus. I can live with that trade-off.

3. I have become more assertive. When I was forced to depend on others for help, I found that my children (young adults) were practically useless. They had not been expected to pull their weight, and I realized that it was not unreasonable to expect them to do more - indeed I was doing them a disservice by allowing them to depend on me for everything. Our family is now in counselling and doing much better.

4. I had to think about what was important to me. I see myself now as an intelligent, creative person who has gone in so many directions that my house is filled with clutter. My next step is to weed out what I don't need so I can live more fully.

5. And last, but not finally (the list will evolve) I know more about my body, about healing, about so many things, than I did a year ago. I will never again go into an important surgery or procedure without fully understanding the impact it could have on my life.

I couple of entries ago (could it really have been a couple of months ago?) I mentioned a transition - healing, and less time on hystersisters. Well, it really is true.

I feel pretty much like myself again (for good or ill) except for a few residual twinges and blips. It's hard to believe it has been 10 months since my surgery. (sometimes it feels like 2 years, sometimes it feels like 10 weeks LOL)

It seems important to me to stop in and say that things do get better. It's possible to get past the trauma and move on into life.

I never had the grief some others have had to deal with - the loss of fertility, or the feeling of loss of femininity.

I felt the loss of time - time lost because I was so tired, time I felt was taken from me because I was unaware of how long it would take to heal.

But looking back, perhaps it was not time lost but time spent... time spent learning more about myself, my limits, my strengths... time spent growing within... time spent listening to others and accepting help from others.

For those reading this who are fresh from surgery, I pray you can glean hope and learn patience as you heal. I welcome emails and comments. I know how hard the process is, and if I can administer any kind of encouragement or comfort to another, it will be a blessing to me.

ta ta for now

So many women on this site are suffering from depression. I've battled depression for so much of my life, as well as dh's and my dd and ds's, so I empathize with so much of what is said.

Medication can be a great help. Zoloft was the first medication I was on (same with dd and ds) which helped, but tended to leave me flat and sort of emotion-less... and frustrated my dh because I just didn't seem to care (not in a depressed way, just nothing bothered me and I didn't bother with much either). Then Celexa, which helped with my intense explosions of frustration and brought me back into life a bit more... in combination with the ritalin to combat the ADD.

But more and more I am recognizing the contribution lifestyle and diet make in the equation. Whenever I have managed to get into a cycle of eating right and exercising, my depression is in much better control as well as my ADD. I'm reading "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" by Dr. Amen. This doctor has done incredible research into the brain topography of ADD, depression, anxiety and other types of psychological disorders. He talks about strategies to improve these disorders including diet and exercise as well as medications. I find it intriguing to see a scientific basis for some of the problems my family is experiencing.

In my opinion, people who deal with depression are very special people who have much to offer the world in the form of compassion, insight, and intelligence. It's just too bad that the pain it causes drives so many of these amazing people to want to take their own lives. I pray that the love from family and friends can sustain all of the women on this site so that they can see past the pain to the joy that life has to offer. Amen.

I haven't posted in my journal in a long time. I'm doing okay, although I've had some ups and downs.

Today I had to let my beloved Patti go. Patti's picture is my avatar.

She started going downhill on Friday - the vet found pus in the back of her mouth - probably from an abcess in her upper jaw. Despite pain medication and antibiotics, her eye began to bulge and she became weak. We were going to do an MRI or CT scan today, but it was obvious she was not going to be able to survive the anesthesia... an xray showed fluid surrounding her heart and in her abdomen, and she was severely anemic. We made the decision to help her go peacefully. The vet administered anesthetic and she was gone before the vet had to give her the final shot to her heart... Patti died on her own terms, quickly and painlessly, and proved that indeed she would not have survived any further treatments.

I'm going to miss my Patti. She jumped so high, and danced so merrily, and brought us so much joy. She survived 4 abcesses without a hitch, with a zest for life most of us can only dream of. She has a piece of my heart and part of her remains in my heart.

Good bye Patti. Frolic with Crandall, your sweetheart, and Inky my sweet black boy bunny, and Olivia my darling rattie, and all the other ratties and hamsters. Give them nose kisses and cheek kisses and tell them we'll see them on the other side.

I have not been posting many entries in my journal. I see this as a natural and healthy transition back into my life after having my hysterectomy.

I think of the people here on the journal site often, even though I don't visit or read entries as much. My hope is that new people posting will see this entry and it will give them hope for the future. I had no idea it was going to take so long for me to heal, and so it was frightening to experience continuing pain and mood problems 3, 4, 5 months post-op. Now I know it can take a year or more for my body to knit back together, and perhaps longer for my mind to settle into a place where I forget about the surgery for days or weeks... acceptance. Steps of grieving? I just thought of that, I guess that's where I am, going through those steps.

I just looked up the stages of grief, and found this interesting article found on this website: Beware the Five Stages (of grief, as defined by Kubler-Ross on death and dying - a very valuable concept, used properly by the way)

	Quote:
So, are the 5 Stages without value? Not if they are used as originally intended, as The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News. One can even extrapolate to The 5 Stages of Coping With Trauma. Death need not be involved. As an example, apply the 5 stages to a traumatic event most all of us have experienced: The Dead Battery! You're going to be late to work so you rush out to your car, place the key in the ignition and turn it on. You hear nothing but a grind; the battery is dead. 1. DENIAL --- What's the first thing you do? You try to start it again! And again. You may check to make sure the radio, heater, lights, etc. are off and then..., try again. 2. ANGER --- "%$@^##& car!", "I should have junked you years ago." Did you slam your hand on the steering wheel? I have. "I should just leave you out in the rain and let you rust." 3. BARGAINING --- (realizing that you're going to be late for work)..., "Oh please car, if you will just start one more time I promise I'll buy you a brand new battery, get a tune up, new tires, belts and hoses, and keep you in perfect working condition. 4. DEPRESSION --- "Oh God, what am I going to do. I'm going to be late for work. I give up. My job is at risk and I don't really care any more. What's the use". 5. ACCEPTANCE ---"Ok. It's dead. Guess I had better call the Auto Club or find another way to work. Time to get on with my day; I'll deal with this later." This is not a trivial example. In fact, we all go through this process numerous times a day. A dead battery, the loss of a parking space, a wrong number, the loss of a pet, a job, a move to another city, an overdrawn bank account, etc. Things to remember are: Any Change Of Circumstance can cause us to go through this process. · We don't have to go through the stages in sequence. We can skip a stage or go through two or three simultaneously. · We can go through them in different time phases. The dead battery could take maybe 5 to 10 minutes, the loss of a parking space 5 to 10 seconds. A traumatic event which involves the Criminal Justice System can take years. · The intensity and duration of the reaction depends on how significant the change-produced loss is perceived. It was mentioned above that Grieving only begins where the 5 Stages of "Grief" leave off. Grief professionals often use the concept of "Grief Work" to help the bereaved through grief resolution. One common definition of Grief Work is summarized by the acronym TEAR: T = To accept the reality of the loss. E = Experience the pain of the loss. A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object. R = Reinvest in the new reality. This is Grief Work. It begins when the honeymoon period is over, the friends have stopped calling, everyone thinks you should be over it, the court case is resolved, "closure" has been effected, and everything is supposed to be back to normal. It's at this point that real grieving begins. Notice that the first step of Grief Work is ACCEPTANCE, the last stage of the 5 Stages of Grief. Let's throw out the 5 stages of grief and replace it with a greater understanding of Grief Recognition and Resolution.

I guess to some extent I am on the A and the R - attempting to adjust and reinvest in the new reality. Part of me wanted this surger to make me BETTER than I was before - after all, surely having to deal with this pain should yield the reward of a body renewed, an existence impacted in a positive way... Right?

Well, in some ways yes, this may have a positive impact... but not in the way I thought it would... I have to accept the challenge in front of me and do my homework in a new class: "your new and healing body" because it isn't going to happen with out my involvement. I am still going to have to work at health, be even more proactive than before, and along the way I may find that this has been the turning point in my maturation process. I may yet be a better person as a result of this. The best is yet to come?

My back is bothering me.

The prilosec seems to be helping my acid reflux, but I continue to have nausea from time to time in the morning after I take my meds or even drink water. This morning I came extremely close to losing the contents of my stomach (just my medication and vitamins) less than five minutes after taking them. I coughed, and it started the whole vomitting reflex so strong I had to run downstairs and tear open the saltines to try to thwart it. I wanted to vomit so bad to get rid of that horrid feeling, but didn't want to lose my medication. Fortunately the saltines helped.

I am sleeping poorly. Haven't figured out the cause, but I am going to eliminate diet caffeine containing sodas to see if that helps, to start with.

Going to go try out a water exercise program tonight led by my physical therapist tonight.

I need to rant.

The friend I spoke of in an entry previously did something that feels like a slap in the face, and I need to find a way to get past it, knowing that she has psychological problems.... She knows that if she needs food at any point, she can call several people and ask for help. She knows that we would not allow her to starve. And yet a couple of months ago she comes to church and tells me she had to eat some of her dogs' dry food because she needed the protien and had nothing in the house. At the time I was just plain disgusted with her - not because she ate the food, that was her choice (she told me God told her to eat the dog food), but because she absolutely did not have to do that. It was as if she was saying "no one would help me so I did what I had to do to survive".

(We have given her money and food for years, and never asked for repayment because we love her. I've paid her dogs' vet bills, paid for them to be boarded when she was ill, paid her phone bill when she was being threatened with shut off. I don't say this because I expect a pat on the back - we would do the same for anyone we love... we'd give whatever we had, because we know that material things are just things.)

That's not the bad part, though.... she told other people that she was so bad off she had to eat dog food, that she was in danger of losing her house (she's not, she could sell her car and get a less expensive one and she'd be fine) and that our church was in danger of closing. And one of the people who heard called me up and asked if there wasn't something we could do for this poor woman who was eating dog food. SLAP!!! As if we as a church were allowing a member to starve and not helping her (it has been at least 2 months since the dog food incident). As if I hadn't just paid her phone bill, hadn't just paid one of her loan payments, hadn't just given her a Sam's club size bag of frozen chicken breasts.... and offered to take her out once a week for lunch for a while...

I need prayers. I need to be able to talk to her, and let her know what she's done without completely sending her off the deep end psychologically (she has had several breakdowns over the years, probably shouldn't even own her own house...)

Okay. Breathing deep breaths and asking for a bit of serenity.

When I was young, I went to a YMCA camp. They had a progam called the Ragger's for spiritual growth. They used the following hymn as their creed. The first level required memorization of this creed. I have never forgotten it. I try to live by it.

The Ragger's Creed

I would be true, for there are those who trust me;
I would be pure, for there are those who care.
I would be strong, for there is much to suffer;
I would be brave, for there is much to dare.

I would be a friend to all, the foe, the friendless;
I would be giving and forget the gift.
I would be humble for I know my weakness,
I would look up, and laugh, and love, and lift.

First I want to hold out a bit of hope for those who have recently gone through a hysterectomy that life does get better, that healing, while slow, does continue. And I want to thank all who contributed their input to my previous entry. Thankyou, they were all valuable contributions. I agree with floppsy, this is not a surgery one wants to go through blithely or uninformed. Recovery can be slow and seemingly endless, and psychological counseling beforehand would be such a good idea (what a novel idea, getting a patient prepared for surgery mentally as well as physically...)

Now to Tuesdays with Morrie:
I watched the movie a week ago, and decided I wanted to read the book. (The movie takes some liberties with the actual story to make the events more dramatic, so I wish I had read the book first) I would recommend it highly to everyone - I am half way through the book, and plan on reading it a second time when I am through.

Morrie Schwartz was an inspirational teacher, both before his illness and during the illness that ultimately took his life. His message is to live each day as if you could die at any moment - to learn how to die is to learn how to live: to love fully, to feel completely each experience, each emotion, to learn from every moment you live. And to be aware of your surroundings.

Speaking from experience, I find myself sleepwalking past so much beauty on my way to someplace else: the grocery store, the doctor, errands... Complaining about people and feeling so angry and frustrated about situations, I find that I am closed off from solutions to problems and ways I can touch others. I back away from getting too close to people, when what I need to do is to get close enough to truly know what they need... which is to know that they matter, that their existence on this earth is not unimportant, they deserve to be loved and cherished.

I have a friend whom I love dearly. She is very needy, emotionally, physically, and financially. We have helped her out on many occasions. She'll buy pizza from dominos when she should be buying groceries, and eat the whole pizza in one sitting. She laments not having enough money to spend on herself. She has a friend who has willingly helped her manage her finances and balance her checkbook, but for some unfathomable reason decided to see if she could "do it herself" several months ago, and got herself into deeper debt.

She wound up asking for money from several of her friends not once but many times (including from me). We all tried to figure out how on earth she was running out of money all of a sudden, and wanted to help her sort it out - which just made her more angry at herself and with us because she perceived our questions as accusations. I was very upset with her because twice in the past 2 weeks, after bemoaning her lack of money, she ordered pizza and consumed the whole thing in one sitting - money which could have gotten her through several days of groceries...

Fortunately, she has decided to get back together with her friend who helps her with her budget.

But I realized as I was reading Tuesdays With Morrie that what she really needs is human contact and the ability to get something "out" to eat on a regular basis... then maybe she would not feel the need to get a large pizza and eat the whole thing when she has no money. I am going to offer to take her out to eat once a week - sometimes we will go to a fast food place, sometimes we will go to a sit down restaurant - which means she can count on having a visit with a friend AND special food on a regular basis. She has no family left. No mom, dad, brother, uncle, aunt, cousin.... she's almost 60 and never married. We are her family.

It's a lovely day outside. For once the sun is shining and the wind is not terribly strong. If my back wasn't giving me trouble, I'd rake leaves. But I will have to get out and walk around the block, maybe bring my camera.

The hornet's nest looks tattered and empty, but I won't cut it down until the first solid freeze. I'm going to find a school that might want to use it in class.

Gotta go now!

My doc has asked me to put together a list of things, information, that I think would help other women going into a hysterectomy. Not a list of "what your doctor never told you" or "bad stuff" but a list of helpful things, things to expect.

Some of the things I have already (this is not the wording I will use, though):

The definition of what it means to have "major surgery":
Your body perceives it as trauma, as if you've been beaten up, regardless of the reason for the surgery...
General anesthesia will take a toll on your system for weeks after the surgery...
Many organs, muscles, ligaments, blood vessels, have to be removed, cut through, stretched, shifted, and then put back in place, which means that those organs have to restore themselves and heal and that takes time.... LOTS of time.
Surgery will shift your thyroid functioning for at least a week, possibly more.

Post surgical expectations:
Recovery experiences vary widely, so don't expect your surgery recovery to match that of anyone else you talk to. Some people bounce back quickly from surgery, and insist that they are the norm, but there is no such thing.
You may find that your pain medication immediately post surgery works great, but you also might discover that it either doesn't do the job or causes you other problems such as hallucinations, anxiety, nausea, or headaches. Tell your medical professionals IMMEDIATELY if this happens. It's common. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Your hormones may very well go haywire, even if you don't have your ovaries removed. You may feel like you are sinking into a deep depression, or that you are going crazy. You may have hot flashes, cold sweats, nausea, constipation. You can expect some menopausal symptoms, even if you are given hormone replacement therapy in the hospital. Or you may have none of the above...

What to plan for:
Plan to have help (line up a posse of friends and relatives) around the house for AT LEAST two weeks ALL DAY. This help should be prepared to get you water, food, help you to the bathroom, even help you shower or bathe. This help will need to do housework and prepare meals.
Plan to have help for AT LEAST four more weeks doing housework and preparing meals, because you should not be lifting anything heavy, even if you "feel up to it", because your tissues are healing and delicate and WILL tear internally.
Educate your family and friends to be supportive. You will look better than you feel, and people will assume you are back to normal... but you will be healing for 6-12 months - no ifs ands or buts about it, it's a medical fact, you can't make your body heal from this in 6 weeks unless you have developed super powers unknown to medical science today.

Incisions, stitches, tape, etc.
The methods used to close your wounds vary by doctor. ASK what they used. ASK where they used it. Some stitches disolve, such as the ones they use internally. Some don't. Some abdominal wounds are closed with staples, some with stitches that have to be removed, some with disolving stitches... some are closed with special tape.
If you have an abdominal incision, there will be a lump for a while - not only did your skin have to be stitched, but the tissues below your skin as well, so you will have a line of thicker tissue even after the skin looks healed.

Sex
Sex is forbidden until your doctor tells you you are healed. This includes oral sex and anal sex. If this is a problem for you, talk to your doctor about it.

Fatigue
You will be tired. Expect to be tired. You may not sleep well. You will get tired doing things like showering, brushing your hair, and sitting up. Don't allow yourself to become immobile, but at the same time listen to your body and rest, rest, rest.

I have more, but I need to get moving here at home. Feel free to add to this. This is not going to be a brochure or book I'm going to sell. It's just going to be a handout for women at my clinic who are preparing for this surgery.

I'm reading a book by that title, written by Dr. Amen. Or I was until I left it at my parent's house this weekend

What you think can change the actual chemistry of your brain. When you are depressed, your limbic system (in the center of your brain, controlling mood) is overactive. When it's overactive, negative thoughts, anger, frustration, self destructive feelings are produced. Women have a more developed limbic system than men, in general.

Medication can help. So can changing how you talk to yourself, who you surround yourself with, as well as what sort of scents are around you.

It turns out that rerunning positive memories in your brain, finding whatever good you can in a situation, and surrounding yourself with supportive people cools the limbic system down. Thinking about negative experiences, running over all of the negative aspects of a situation, and dealing with people who put you down and are negative themselves heats up the limbic system.

Scents have a very direct impact on the system, because the olfactory nerves are so close and so connected to the limbic area. So find pleasant aromas, pleasing scents, scents that bring back powerful positive memories, and it, too, will calm the limbic system and enhance your mood.

So far, I have found all of the above to help me. I feel better when I do these things, and knowing about the impact of scent just proves what I have felt all along. I am going to be working on getting my house to smell good

I feel blessed already.

Been going to physical therapy, no relief yet, but still trying to pinpoint what needs to be done.

Doing more at home. Sometimes. Getting a new bed (select comfort) so I am forced to clear the debris all over the house. The boxes are arriving today by UPS. I have to bag up all the odds and ends around our old softsided water bed so I can sort out the keepers and the out of heres later. Then, probably tomorrow, I'll empty the water from the bladders (makes me need to pee just saying that LOL) and my DH and DS can get them out (maybe load them in the minivan if my parents decide they want them).

Shoot, just remembered I need to go get a new bed frame - our new bed is queen size, old is king.

Bead sales still slow... for everyone selling polymer clay beads on justbeads, not just me. Check out the Charity auctions benefitting Susan G. Komen breast cancer research fund.
http://www.justbeads.com/listings/in...gory=759009548

So gloomy weather-wise here! Makes one sleepy.

Gotta go.

Listening to my body....

I realized I was heading for a cold. I felt like someone had thrown something very irritating into my sinuses.

I did something I have never done before. I remembered that wayyyyy back it was recommended to put a tablet of zinc under your tongue to relieve symptoms and to shorten the duration. So I did it.

Whether or not it was the zinc or my mind (and in the end who cares?) I do feel better (not well, but better)

I'm going to bed now. That's certainly a safe bet for assisting my body's immune system.

zzzzzz

I have often told my mental health professionals that I have cycles of moods. Most agree. For a while I thought maybe they were connected to my menstrual cycle, but that really didn't jive. It really doesn't jive now - I don't have ovaries, I don't have a uterus.

I have long thought that my mood cycles could be bipolar, but they certainly aren't as dramatic as the classic manic-depressive symptoms we all associate with bipolar disorder, so no diagnosis there. Now they are defining other types of bipolar disorders: bipolar II and Cyclothymic disorder. I believe I fit into one of these.

I will go through periods of time (as I have recently) when I feel like I could do anything. I talk quickly, I have ideas by the millions, and I sleep poorly. Sometimes I am so cheerful and bouncy it's exhausting. Sometimes it translates into major irritation and it's all I can do not to bite people's heads off. I can't shut off the ideas so I stay up too late. I feel like I have to hurry up and get things done before I lose steam, as I always do.

I tend to spend money on stupid things during these times. I buy the materials I think I need to do all the things my mind wants to accomplish. I start several projects in excitement, some as large as painting a room or ripping off wallpaper or tearing up a floor. Then the bottom falls out of my mood, and I'm left staring at a bathroom with no toilet installed because the flooring was difficult to remove and I found a hole in the wall behind the wallpaper the previous owner put up and I can't do a half-a**ed job, I have to do it right, so the tools I bought to do the job right are on the floor and we can't use the bathroom. And I'm discouraged because there are similar scenes alllll over the house and I am completely and utterly overwhelmed, fatigued, and angry with myself for once again making my life so unbelievably screwed up.

Inevitably stuff happens with my DS and DD that compound my fatigue and fog.

At the moment, I can feel myself slipping down the depression slope. It doesn't help that I'm in pain, and am not sleeping well at all. I have the most disturbing dreams.

I am going to work hard not to let this sink me. I suppose I will try to get to sleep earlier tonight.

I have gained weight. I feel ungainly. I feel sad about so many things.

I just had to chronicle this. It will get better. Things will get better. They will.

Just to make it perfectly clear: the hystersisters site didn't do this to me, my browser quit. The entry was gone. And it was a nice, well thought out, almost complete one. I tried retrieving it when I relaunched the application, but it was really and truly gone.

So.

What I said.

My DS is going to be getting homebound instruction for a bit. He has a new psychological counselor, Greg (I'm so tired of using letters, I'll just use a first name). He uses cognitive behavioral techniques, which is the direction my husband and I have been pushing for for years.

We had tried another counseling group before, but their technique for using cognitive behavior insisted on using the same words over and over which was making our family batty. I won't go into it here.

DS, DH and I all went for the first session, (DH could only get there for half and hour) and so far it feels like the perfect approach coming from Greg. I have already learned somethings I can use personally. This may take some time, but I know if we are patient and persistent it will enrich our life to come significantly.

Physical therapy
Been twice, and the second time was so wonderful - she used modalities (hot packs, massage, ultrasound) and I was so relaxed I dreaded having to go out and drive home. I knew the relaxation would be ruined in the time it took to travel. I think we are closer to finding at least part of the cause of my pain. That's something.

Then my browser "unexpectedly quit"

I am screaming.

Thank you.

My Beads

I create polymer clay beads. I'm not sure if it's okay to put photos of my beads on the hystersister site, that's why I haven't yet.

http://www.justbeads.com/search/ql.cfm?s=740174134

That's the url for my current bead listings. I'm thinking of putting together a business website to sell some, since on my own website I would have more control over what types of payments etc. I receive. I would link to that site from some of my justbeads.com listings. It will take a bit of work putting together such a site (even with templates) and I'm just not up for that right now.

Struggle
I'm a bit stressed out right now. DS has now been out of school for 2 weeks and is very far behind. He's so anxious about that, plus the IBS stuff... and I get panic and anxiety symptoms having to deal with his anxiety and with the school. I've been dealing with 2 kids and their schools for years now, and it doesn't get any easier for me. Since we got a 504 for DS, it is a bit less difficult; but my physical and emotional reaction is still at a high level.

Even as I sit here, I feel a tightness in my chest, a lump in my throat, a queazy stomach, and the beginning of a migraine in the back of my neck. I'm tired. And yet I am still going on. People say I look like I'm doing well.

Changes

I got my hair cut. I really like it, it looks good. It's longer on top, and shorter in back and on the sides below the top of my ear. I haven't had my hair this short in years and years. Now I don't have handfulls of strands of hair in my fingers after I wash it and brush it. I don't have tickly hairs stuck in my bra and dangling from my shirt sleeves. That's really nice. And I just needed a change.

I really feel like I need more change. I'd like to teach a class in polymer clay bead making - making canes, etc. I have to get away from this house. It's strangling me.

Physical Therapy and the New Psychiatrist

Went to my first PT appointment wednesday, and that was interesting. The woman deals in pelvic floor/ bladder issues, and asked great questions. It turns out I am already doing some of the "right" things.

Plus, she was able to pinpoint some painful areas - the perineum is tight (those of us who have had vaginal births and stitching often do) as are several ligaments. She pressed on the ischial tuberosity (on the sitting bones) and yowzers yep that hurt. I have some exercises to start with.

The psychiatrist (also first visit wednesday) is not terribly energetic. I think I look too "well". I was feeling excited that perhaps this new dr. would have a new way of looking at what's going on with me, but I guess that excitement made me look less mentally ill I felt so let down, deflated, when I heard the same old same old. She was kind of sniffly, she said it was allergies - perhaps that kind of fizzled her mental functioning. She said I should come back in 2 months. I wish I could find someone who would help me be proactive in my healing and not exclusively rely on prescription drugs to "fix" my problems.

Oy. What a wet blanket I am tonight.

I think an early bedtime is in order....

zzzzzzzz

I don't have much positive to say... I over did it yesterday - shopped at the hardware store (usually love to do that, but it seemed like I knew more about what I was looking for than the employees... I'd say "do you have a pin vise" or "I would like the piece that goes on my drill to attach a buffing wheel" and get this blank look) and at Sam's Club (don't go there on a Saturday when there is a big college football game).

Everything hurt today, and I just felt so low. Didn't make it to church.

I am so dreading the coming week, with DS having missed a week and being so far behind. It's going to be a challenge tomorrow morning. I told him I'd go get a gameboy game he wants if he goes (with his money) but he can't play it, just look at the instruction book, until he gets his school work in order. He's such a sweet heart, but I have to be firm...

My DD has been talking to an the exboyfriend who broke up with her almost 3 years ago when she was at her very lowest and having panic attacks that kept her out of school. I never liked him, he seemed so false to me, and I was relieved he was gone - now she is talking to him? After the deep depression she went into after he broke up with her? When he broke up with her, he had just written her a note saying he loved her so much, he would never leave her (well, I didn't believe it anyway - he was almost 17, she almost 18). He has not been making good choices since then, drinking, smoking, doing drugs. It's her life, she's twenty, but she's living with me and I told her how I feel about it - we went through so much at the time, and her weight went down to 86 pounds...

My beads aren't selling much at the moment, but that's the way it goes sometimes. I'm thinking I should put my polymer clay away for a bit and get my act together.

Wednesday is my physical therapy appointment and my first appointment with my new psychiatrist.

Oh, pooh, I gotta get some sleep so I can function.

The difference between hearing news and knowing someone who is experiencing the result of the news

Well, normally I watch news of a hurricane with awe, horror, and fascination - but with detachment, since I don't really know many people who live there. My association with the people online has changed that.

First, there are the people here on the hyster journal site who are documenting their fears and anxiety about where the next storm will hit. Then there are the people who have won auction beads from me who, it turns out, are late paying because they are battening down their homes and praying they are spared - or who have no electricity to run the computer that is their only way of communicating with me! And not to be ignored is the fact that every time I open my browser I encounter the news on my home page....

Many prayers for the beleaguered coastal sisters and brothers - my prayers for strength to withstand the storms outside as well as the storms within.

Seems trivial, but... I'm gaining weight

Now that I'm feeling a bit better physically, I'm eating more for emotional reasons.

I am doing more, (not particularly noticeable, but I am doing a little more around here) getting the spare room, which used to be DD's (she wanted to be in a smaller room, it makes her feel safer) cleaned up so it will be usable as DH's "office" and guest room. My MIL is going to be here in November for her annual Thanksgiving visit from out east and will be here for 2 weeks, so I'm trying to get things ready early.

However, with DS's physical problems, and his school absences, his psychological problems are once again rearing their heads.... and once again, I am placed in the role of motivational speaker, cheerleader, nag, and trainer. He sees a counselor and psychiatrist, but since they only see him once every other week and once every couple of months respectively, they do not have to deal with the day-to-day struggles. As a result, I wind up fighting (and often losing) the urge to feed my own anxieties late at night with whatever is available. It doesn't have to be tasty, just palatable.

So... I've gained a few pounds already over the past week DS has been missing school. I get so anxious, not because he is missing school, but because of his reaction to the result of missing so much... depression, guilt, anxiety, lower self-worth, and self-defeating brow-beating (I have so much to do, do you think I can do it? What if I can't catch up? What if the teachers think I'm lazy? The teachers won't like me. I'm afraid I'll get a bad grade. I'm afraid they won't let me make up the work. I will never catch up. etc)

I have no car today

My DH makes me so crazy. I take care of all the maintenance around here. I arrange repairs, tree trimmings, hauling, you name it. I do a lot of stuff myself (at least I have in the past - like the wax ring incident). Plus, laundry, wash (although recently DH has been putting in a wash or two of his own perm press in desperation) and cleaning (as infrequently as possible LOL).

Up until about 6 months ago, he arranged his own car maintenance at the dealership. I arranged maintenance for my minivan. Both vehicles are circa late 1990s, and over 100,000 miles.

Six months ago, just before the "event that changed my life", the dealership told him that his car had no oil when he brought it in, and that the engine needed to be replaced. It had been making a lot of noise, but the oil light had not gone on so that sounded fishy to me. I said we should take it to my mechanic - which meant that I took the car in.

My mechanic said he didn't see any reason to replace the engine - he suggested some oil treatment and monitoring the oil levels to see what happened. He replaced the timing belt and the noise went away. DH called the dealership and cancelled the new engine order (sheesh!) and so far the oil loss has been fairly minimal, less than a quart each time he fills the tank.

You know what this means, though? Now the responsibility for his car mainenance magically shifted to ME!!

The windshield wiper motor went bananas, and the car needed an oil change before DH went to a course today. So I made an appointment for things to get checked out yesterday (after reluctantly agreeing to take care of it). Well, long story short, the motor had to be ordered, I couldn't take the car home yesterday, it's still there now (motor comes in today) and DH has my minivan... and I have no car to get DS to school even if he was inclined to go.

VENTING: He HAD to have that stuff done before his course - why couldn't he have done this last week? Why couldn't he have called the garage himself? One of his rear tail lights has been out for months - it's easy to replace, I bought him a light bulb, but now it's lost, he doesn't seem at all concerned about it. A policeman could pull him over at any time. ((insert picture of me pulling my hair out and screaming in frustration))

Not practicing what I preach to my kids

I have not been getting to bed and getting the amount of sleep I need. Hard to cope with the day when you are operating with a sleep-deprived brain. How do I motivate myself to go to sleep on time?

Irony/Positive note

The irony of all of this is that this is pretty much how it was pre-hysterectomy. I am thinking about my surgery less and less, except for the burning/arousal issues and the constipation issues. In other words, this surgery has not made me feel better in the way I would have expected, it has essentially traded one set of problems for another and in a weird way created a bit of variety in my physical life LOL and introduced me to a whole new way of looking at things as well as a whole new and wonderful group of women. How can I wish that I hadn't experienced that?

Day-o, day-o, daylight come and me wanta go home.

Thought I'd document this milestone:

Five months ago today I was in surgery for my TAH BSO. And I'm still alive and kicking.

I don't want to trip down memory lane. I never want to have surgery again, I never want to spend time in a hospital again. And if I ever EVER am forced to do so, I will never go into it as blind as I did for my hysterectomy. That is my SOLEMN vow.

Okay, computer time's up. Time to do "real time, real life" activities for a while.

Joke:

The Three Wishes

A poor little lonely old lady lived in a house with only her cat as a friend. One day, the lights went out as she sat knitting; she had been unable to pay the electric bill. So, she went up to the attic and got an old oil lamp from her childhood. As she rubbed it clean a genie appeared and allowed her three wishes.

"First, I want to be so rich I never have to worry about money again.''

"Second, I want to be young and beautiful again.''

"And last, I want you to change my little cat into a handsome prince.''

*POOF*

As the smoke cleared she saw she was surrounded by big bags of coins, and that in the mirror was a young beautiful woman. She turned as the handsome prince walked in the door, held her in his arms and said, "Now I'll bet you're sorry you took me to the vet for that little operation."

I just wanted to clarify - I do not in any way believe that we cause our illness, or that thinking positive thoughts will cure them.

One thing I am trying to do, though, is to be more in tune with what my body is telling me. And Intuitive Healing has great advice on how to do that.

Judith Orloff advises us to learn about our body - study where our organs are located, be aware of (at least in a general way) how it's put together. To do that, we can look to books as simple as those geared to children (no shame in reading children's books, I do it all the time!) or as complicated as Gray's Anatomy and beyond depending on how much we are able to comprehend. We don't have to become doctors, but surely we can be informed consumers (just as we should really know where to check the oil in our car, or the air pressure in the tires, even though we are not mechanics)

Okay, time to sleep.

I am amazed to report that there have been spaces of time during the day when I do not think about my surgery. I must be healing. I am still having pain, and look forward to Sept. 22 when I see the physical therapist, but my life is sort of getting back into its routine.

Unfortunately, the routine is including problems my DS is having, deja vu all over again. Sigh.

I'm reading a book called Intuitive Healing by Judith Orloff, MD

She's a psychiatrist and intuitive (a word she uses instead of psychic because of the negative connotation assosiated with the word), and has excellent advice about tuning in to our own bodies and our own health.

At one point she tells the story of a woman who enjoys sitting outside with an orange and watching the surf hit the sand, but who is so busy that she doesn't get to do it very often. The woman tells herself she's too busy to take time off, she'd have to be ill... and sure enough, a couple of days later she comes down with a nasty cold. Dr. Orloff sees this as the woman's body telling her she needs to slow down - to take some time off so she DOESN'T get sick. Now whenever the woman gets to the point where a day by the water with an orange calls her, she listens to her body and takes a "health" day. And doesn't get sick.

I remember so many times when I have been overwhelmed by the problems my kids are having (at one point, both kids were missing school because of depression and anxiety and I was trying to have constructive conversations with the middle school and the high school, while I was dealing with my own depression, anxiety, fibromyalgia, etc) and the housework was piling up, and I felt so stressed and angry that I pictured myself getting so ill that someone else HAD to take care of me. As soon as there was a small lull, sure enough I would get sick.

Believe it or not, this is what was happening just before the events leading up to my hysterectomy:

*My son had just spent 2 weeks in a day program through the local private mental health center because of his depression and anxiety and was still balking at getting back into school. I had spent months working with teachers, psychologists, doctors, counselors, and DS to work through all of the school work he had missed.

*My DD had just broken up with her boyfriend of 2 years at Christmas break in the worst possible way (she told him in a phone call while he was in California visiting his family because she said she couldn't lie and tell him she missed him when she didn't) and she was basically doing nothing all day and all night except talking online to her internet friends.

*I was thinking to myself "I wish something would happen and I would have to spend some time in the hospital and then they'd have to learn how to take care of themselves instead of leaning on me all the time"

*Despite my constant pain, when my toilet started leaking I decided to replace the wax ring myself (I'll show them, I can do this myself, I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR) which I did, lifting the commode off ALONE, scraping off the old wax, scrubbing the floor, putting a new waxless ring on, changing the connecting O ring between the tank and stool, and then lifting the commode and putting it back on its mooring. (There isn't a whole lot of room between the wall and sink, so it was tricky and took some maneuvering) I was proud of myself!! I did it!! Something I did actually turned out well!! (Muscles screaming "what the heck do you think you are doing?" )

*Then I began having extreme pain, three days later went to the ER, sent to the gyn, and the rest is history.

I don't think I made myself sick. But I do think my body and mind were saying "you need to do something, something is wrong" and instead of laying down and delegating/hiring help, I ignored it and tried to keep going.

Right now, I need help. I am going to be calling a really fantastic woman who helped with my bunny cleaning after my surgery to help get the area back in shape again (what a mess it is right now). I also need to take a walk each day and bring my camera like I used to do - I love photographing flowers, butterflies, etc. and just let my mind play and my senses open.

I changed one of my medications a month ago because my prescription coverage changed and now instead of a $15 copay the cost is $90 (a percentage of the cost of the meds). I was taking a timed release, now I'm taking a multidose. It doesn't work as well, but this way I only have to pay $10 copay because it's a generic, and save myself that $80 per month.

I know I'm healing. I have my appetite back (sigh, could have done without that) and unfortunately yesterday my habit of eating when I am feeling stressed out reared its ugly head. I was so uncomfortable when I went to bed - I haven't felt like that for a very long time - I had eaten several bowls of cereal on top of my dinner and a bowl of icecream with bananas and lite whipped topping. Pushed my tummy to its limits. I wound up having to pee at 3 AM and again at 7 AM.

My son is not at school. He is having bowel problems. He is getting further and further behind again.

Got to work on that intuitive healing thing.

I'm hanging in there.

My DS is having more problems.

He deals with constipation, and is supposed to take medicine prophylactically to keep regular, but he doesn't do it. As a result, he feels rotten and tired and backed up.

He is supposed to get to bed at a reasonable hour so his body can maintain his mind so he won't get depressed, but no matter how many times he ignores this advice and stays up late and winds up unable to function properly he refuses to acknowledge and internalize this fact. So here he is, feeling tired, depressed, and backed up, and unable to get to school, which makes him feel guilty and even more depressed and gets him behind in his work which also makes him depressed and feeling guilty.

We have been going through this for so many years, it's like the same bad tape playing over and over. I feel like the guy in the movie "Groundhog Day" who wakes up every morning to hear the same song, the same weather report, and tries to change just the right thing that will let him get past that day and on with his life. He can't even end his life, he has to keep on trying over and over until he gets it right. That's me! I'm banging my head against the wall!

Me
I have a physical therapy appointment in a week or so to see if it will help with my pelvic pain. I have my first appointment with my new psychiatrist the same day. Coincidence?

My bead sales have stalled a little. Plus, I can't get people to respond to my emails to find out what payment options they are using. Lots of sales, but only payments on half of them so far. (banging head on wall again) Some are from buyers in Florida which may be part of the problem.

I just got through some migraine auras a short time ago and now I feel the headache part coming on. Blast it - here come the auras again. Thought that was over when I lowered the estrogen. Maybe the stress of dealing with DS. I don't know.

I need a shower.

I just read part of a study where they tested pain sensitivity and threshold in people with major depression, panic disorder, and control.

I complain of pain more frequently than the "normal" or average person, I know that. At times I feel like a hypochondriac, like "shoot, we all have pain, maybe I'm just a baby about it"

Well, according to various studies, it looks like (1) pain may be a factor in accelerating depression and (2) people with depression may actually have a HIGHER pain threshold than the average person. People with panic disorder in the study actually had a more normal threshold and sensitivity to pain.

Bizarre as it may seem, that makes me feel better.

My appointment with the gyn -
We talked about the pain I continue to have. This gyn (not my surgeon, I wish she had been my doc for that) is new to this practice (not new to practicing) so she says she doesn't know which specialists here are best at what. She said that where she used to be, there was an anesthesiologist who was so good at nerve blocks he could place one that "could numb just the end of your little finger" (which may have been an exaggeration to make a point) but she didn't know about the ones here.

She is sending me to a Physical Therapist to see if something can be done there, and to see what they find. That's fine with me.

The remarkable thing about the appointment is this: she didn't look at her watch once, and we talked about (brace yourself) what patients need to know but don't going into my surgery. She asked me to put together what I thought people needed to know, what I thought a doctor should tell a patient, about what to expect with a hysterectomy - and put it into a pamphlet she could give patients.

I about cried. She thinks I'm intelligent. She wanted to know my opinion.

I hugged her.

I had an amazing appointment with my gyn, which I will relate tomorrow (I love her even more now!)

But right now I wanted to list some links to investigate about pain and its effect on the brain - hunnybunches spurred me to do some searches on the 'net. I have not read the entire articles, and do not have an opinion at the present time about the contents... but those who read this and read the articles are more than welcome to do "book reports" LOL

http://www.sfn.org/content/Publicati...ings/pain.html
http://fmcfsadvocacy.healthyplace2.com/custom.html
http://www.mayoclinic.com/printinvok...78688CAA02392A
http://www.mayoclinic.com/invoke.cfm...1679319D8CA1AE
http://www.kevinhogan.com/depression...sion and pain)
http://www.painconnection.org/MyEduc...Depression.asp
http://www.medscape.com/viewprogram/2166_pnt
http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releas...-cpw042804.php
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases...0129072454.htm

I'm going in today at 11:15 to my gyn, to press for action with this ongoing physical stuff. Feeling a bit washed out from the migraines a week ago and the following bout with constipation.

The psychological WooHoo!s are that my DS went to school today, hunnybunches is back, and... my beads are selling well. One set is even "hot" (having 8 bids and going from a starting price of 7 dollars to 14, I can't believe it LOL). I think the whole selling thing is funny - this set didn't sell the first time it was listed, perhaps the right person hadn't seen it.

A quick recap on DS - he has been getting counseling and professional help for the past 5 years. So has DD. It's a long story, and one I'm too tired to go into again right now, but neither is depressed due to any "trauma" such as abuse or neglect etc. Unfortunately the tendency for this type of mental illness is a major genetic factor in my family (both I and dh are on medication for depression as well, and I am on meds for ADD). Both DD and DS are on medication for anxiety and depression.

Both of my kids are kind, loving people. They are sensitive and caring. DD is extremely creative and imaginative - talented musically and artistically. DS is gifted in the math and science area, especially math which he loves. He also has an imagination, although it seems to be a different kind of imagination from mine and DD's - more controlled.

They both talk to me about how they feel, although as DS as gotten older he's more likely to talk to his sister or her friends about certain problems than to me or DH. Understandable.

DD has a tendency to tell us what she thinks we want to hear to avoid confrontation. Such as "Sure, I'll empty the dishwasher" and then forgetting or (in high school/middle school) "What grade am I getting? I'm not sure, but I think I'm doing okay" when in fact she was not getting all her homework in and was failing because of it. She is one class short of having her high school diploma (another long story)

DS is not what I'd call your "typical" boy, in that he doesn't fly into rages, get into trouble, fight with other guys, and so forth. However, as he reached puberty, he became more resistant to my advice and acts as though I am the stupidest person on the planet. Typical teenage behavior.

Sigh. I guess I've put off getting things done around here long enough. Time to pet the bunnies and get some more beads ready to sell. (I am still in shock about those "hot" beads)

My DS has had problems with depression and anxiety. It has kept him out of school before.

Today, after a weekend of poor sleep choices, he is feeling depressed and tired. He won't see the connection. I haven't been able to get him to go to school yet.

He knows that the longer he stays home, the longer he will be restricted from playing video games. Each hour he puts off going to school is another day without them. He also knows that I will not call in an excused absence. This may seem harsh, but I have no other way to get across to him how serious it is that he get there. At 16, it's not like I can pick him up and carry him out the door.

When he misses school, he gets behind plus he feels guilty, which starts a vicious circle - a spiral downward that spins with a velocity that is extremely difficult to halt.

I'm so tired of dealing with all of this as well as DD's paralysis (psychological) and my pain. Shoot, I'd like to lay down and sleep all day... but where would that get me?

{{{banging head against the wall}}}

I wrote this after hunnybunches expressed a despair so deep I was concerned for her wellbeing. hunnybunches, I hope you are feeling better, and will post your progress. We all care about you, and when you hurt we all hurt with you. Our prayers are with you...

I wrote something in Stargazerlilly's journal that I wanted to remember to tell myself, so I have adapted it to put in my journal (in case someone reads it and says "where have I seen this before?"

You can't change others. You can make a difference in another's life, but you can only change yourself.

I have had weight issues from childhood on, and here is what I have learned:
Weight loss programs can give you the structure and the education, but unless you get to the issues behind the eating (Oprah stresses this, for one), have an exercise plan (no matter how small - walking around the block once a day is a good start), and have an understanding of how hormones affect your mood (lots of books on that) you are going to wind up beating yourself up.

Obesity is not a character flaw. Society treats it that way, but it isn't a character flaw any more than having arthritis, fibromyalgia, diabetes, a type "A" personality, or allergies is. The unfortunate thing about obesity is that it is visible, and because of that it has been embued with the element of shame (gluttony is one of those deadly sins, and we must be gluttons to be so fat, right?). Obesity is a complex medical and psychological problem, a symptom really, indicating an imbalance of chemicals and an imbalance of... well... spirit (for lack of a better word) or imbalance in life forces (LOL don't I sound all new age here?).

I've been trying to heal myself my whole life. I am so fortunate to have a loving family structure in which to do that healing. So many people do not, and I have a growing respect for the strength I see here in the women who journal. We all need to evaluate where we would like to be five years from now, regardless of what we weigh or what other circumstances we are in. We need to look to the future, because the future has so much wonderful potential.

Constipation, the worst I ever ever ever had. Like a boulder.

no more migraines though since lower dose of estradiol

patti's vet visit, no pus came back, crossing fingers

Pain and swelling in my abdomen from all this constipation

labor and delivery were easier

http://www.muenster.org/hornissenschutz/hornets.htm
I looked on the 'net to find out what we have out front. I really don't want to do anything to the critters if I don't have to, the nest is beautiful and they haven't done anything to hurt a soul so far.

Here is what I found out:

We have a nest of european hornets. This conjures up horrible images for most folks, but from what I have read, these insects are "gentle giants"....

1) They don't sting unless they are threatened (I have already been up fairly close to the nest to take photos, and they just fly by me as if I'm another branch).

2) Their sting is no more dangerous than a bee's, in fact although they can sting repeatedly and their sting is painful, a bee's sting can be far more devastating. The bee's stinger continues to pulse after the bee leaves it there (and dies) discharging all of its venom. A hornet cannot afford to use up all of its venom on one sting, so it's much more sparing with it.

3) Wasps kill other insects to feed to their larvae, so they can be beneficial

4) Trying to kill them can be dangerous, since threatening them will cause them to go for you in a swarm

I am looking at this as an educational experience. I don't kill spiders, either, if I can avoid it. I'll take big ones outside. We have the most lovely spiders that build webs overnight between whatever objects they can possibly find. The colors on their backs blow me away, and the webs shining in the sun are a wonder to behold.

I have trained myself not to freak out about insects, to find the beauty and focus on that. (Even ants. However, I have resorted to ant killer because I can't seem to convince them that my house and food are not supposed to be part of their territory...) It makes my world so much bigger and inviting!

(Oh, and over my childhood I trained myself to not be ticklish because my younger brothers would have had the upper hand otherwise. It's amazing what you can train your body to respond to!)

So I called the gyn's office, and explained the migraine problem. The response was to go back down to my previous level (1mg) of estradiol. I asked if perhaps a different form of delivery might work better, because on one of the email lists to which I subscribe, it was mentioned that oral delivery of estradiol can be problematic for some women. The nurse, although quite nice and very willing to help, was not helpful - although she acknowledged that perhaps a change in delivery system might help. Sometimes I wonder if nurses in gyn offices spend much time dealing with hormone education....

I reiterated to her (so she could tell the doc) the fact that my pelvic/vulvar pain was still there as well as the persistent arousal. The response back was that I should see how the change in hormone dosage helps. No, no, no. I was already on that dosage, and am willing to go back on that dosage for migraine reduction, but this pain has remained regardless of what hormone dosage I've been on.

I must not have made it clear just how devastating this situation is becoming. I put a positive face on, and work hard to stay upbeat, but it's wearing. I joke, and don't whine (much) about how I feel. I look for the good in the day, and try to keep busy. I am able to tolerate the pain because I remind myself that we are supposedly "ruling out" various causes, but the chronic nature of this pain is wearing on me psychologically and physically. I think we have explored the hormone route long enough for this problem. I want to try a nerve block. I want this to go away.

I am more like myself these days. I have been getting more done. I don't sleep well, but try not to focus on how tired I am.

It was a lovely day outside today, perfect. Not too hot, sunny, amazing. DS has been getting to school on time, been doing his homework. DD... well, still hasn't got the driver's permit. I try to wake her up to go get it but she falls back to sleep.

Found an amazing thing today - a huge wasp (hornet?) nest in a tree out front. It's amazing because (1) it's at eye level, and I'm the first to notice it and (2) the construction is incredible... it is formed around a branch, and the leaves are coming out of it all around. I really don't want to do anything to them, after all, they have been there for a while, and so far haven't stung anyone... and it's amazing to watch. I am awe-struck at how such a thing can be constructed by such small creatures.

Ah, me.
Time to sign off.

migraines migraines one after the other.

I have not had this many migraines since puberty. I'm sensing this has to do with my increase in estradiol.

Nothing like little flashing lights across my field of vision to make my night complete.

Sigh.

Been doing okay I guess. Had a devil of a migraine day yesterday though - the worst optical aura ever suddenly blotted out most of my left eye as I looked at my neighbor's garage sale books. Never had any aura blast me like that before. It was gone in about 5 minutes, but the migraine that followed was devastating. I'm still a bit washed out today.

My beads are getting bids on justbeads.com. I think part of my problem with migraines has to do with that. I do okay making the beads, getting the listing ready, and sending them out. It's the part in between listing and sending that is rough on me.

I hate dealing with buyers who don't communicate with me. I have a hard enough time keeping up with who bought what, and not losing the beads in my mess! I'll email people and email people and get nothing for days. Then they'll write and ask for the information I sent them several times already and that they can even access on the site. Then.... if they send a personal check I have to wait until it clears. I'm ready to say no to personal checks, sign up for a premium paypal account, and accept credit cards even though I will have to pay paypal a percentage when I do.

I need a business manager.

I am going to whine now.

I am tired of being tired. I'm tired of hot flashes. I'm tired of pain in my abdomen and pain in my vulva and pain in my hands and hips and head.

Nope, not done yet.

I wish I was better at dealing with money, pricing my beads, pushing my daughter to become independent and get out on her own, getting things done.

Okay, done now.

My sweet Patti bunny is doing okay so far. I take her in next week to check on her progress, and hopefully that nasty abcess is not back.

Munchkin bunny, my formerly vocal combative 4 pound bunny, is getting more and more into being loved on. He is so cute, and I am so happy he wants to be petted now. It's been 2 years since we took him in, I guess he figures we're okay now.

Little Brigette has a tiny curled in nail (looks like it might have been damaged at the nail bed), gotta go have that checked.

Missy, Patches, Sneakers, Cubby, Albus and Georgia are doing fine. (Thank Heaven) I love all my house bunnies.

DS is doing well so far, 2 1/2 days into school and all is well. (Crossing fingers, praying hard)

On an up note, more of my beads have gotten bids. It's so much fun.

I'm tired. Oh, dear - I do believe I have not eaten yet!

Got out of the house yesterday with DD, went to the mall. Got a few discount Calvin & Hobbs books as well as a Dilbert. DS likes Dilbert. It felt good to get out, but boy was it muggy.

Sex last night - very nice! Had several climaxes, which hasn't happened in a while.

Only problem I am still having is this constant arousal, which has been going on for so long now I could scream. Weeks and weeks....

I love this song:

High Hopes

Next time you're found, with your chin on the ground
There's a lot to be learned, so look around

Just what makes that little old ant
Think he'll move that rubber tree plant
Anyone knows an ant, can't
Move a rubber tree plant

But he's got high hopes, he's got high hopes
He's got high apple pie, in the sky hopes

So any time you're gettin' low
'stead of lettin' go
Just remember that ant
Oops there goes another rubber tree plant

When troubles call, and your back's to the wall
There's a lot to be learned, that wall could fall

Once there was a silly old ram
Thought he'd punch a hole in a dam
No one could make that ram, scram
He kept buttin' that dam

'Cause he had high hopes, he had high hopes
He had high apple pie, in the sky hopes

So any time you're feelin' bad
'stead of feelin' sad
Just remember that ram
Oops there goes a billion kilowatt dam

I've been on the vagifem (estradiol vaginal tablets) for several days now. I'm gradually adding estradiol oral - in a few days I'll start taking 2 mg. I began taking 1.5mg a few days ago. I felt it would be a good idea not to go from 1 to 2 mg suddenly, since I was already switching from estrace cream to the vaginal tablet.

I'm still very tired, but I didn't expect to suddenly be well no matter what changes I make. It doesn't happen that way. The suppositories I was prescribed for the hemorrhoids seem to be helping - I don't feel like my rectum is full all the time for no reason. (gotta go shower and medicate after this)

DS starts back to highschool on Wednesday. I'm nervous about that - he is taking chemistry, physics, and honors Trig as well as spanish, english, and social studies... and he's just a sophomore. And he works very slowly - he's so smart, but he reads and writes slowly, and he's a perfectionist. He's had so much trouble in the past because if he gets even a little bit behind he sinks psychologically.

Could use a few prayers for that.

I was just feeling low a few days ago, sobbing to my husband that I have so few things that I am considered good at. I feel like I am good at fixing things, but my husband doesn't acknowledge that - perhaps it flies under the radar for him - and I enjoy doing my polymer clay work, but that feels so trivial.... it's just a momentary pity party I had, but it is indicative of an area in need of growth.

As if in answer to my psychic moaning....
My beads are doing well on justbeads.com - a couple sold as "buy it now" shortly after I put them up for sale!! I don't price my stuff overly high, because I want people to be able to afford them and enjoy them. But I don't want them to go too cheaply either. Time will tell if I need to charge more in the future.

It's eye opening to realize the costs that you incur when you sell an item - there is the listing fee (about 60 cents) and the selling fee (depending on how much you wind up making) and the time it takes to put the photo together... and then the time you spend after the item sells coordinating the payment and mailing the item out!! All of this beyond the creation of the bead! LOL

The advantage, of course, is that you don't have to sit at a booth and watch people look at your stuff, look at the price, and then put it down and walk away.

Patti bunny has been sneezing. Today she gets another antibiotic injection. She is so good about it - she stays still while I give her her shot. Then I give her a little slice of banana and she is in heaven - her back twitches, she's so happy!

Right now I feel a bit nauseous - I need to get a little breakfast or my vitamins upset my stomach!

I'm tired. Tired tired tired.

Visit to the gyn doc today.

-blood pressure higher than usual, but not alarming I guess. (I don't normally have high blood pressure) 148/83, usually 110-120/75-80
-some of the full feeling (like there is a rock there) I have after a bowel movement is due to a couple of nice sized internal hemorrhoids. She said these little stinkers can feel like golf balls even though they are the size of peas, and prescribed a suppository to treat them.
-going up on the estradiol oral to 2 mg, hoping it will help my exhaustion.
-changing to a vaginal tablet to get away from the messy estrace cream.
-want all this to stop.
-pains in my surgical area, very probably from healing (scar tissue is constantly being rebuilt, strengthening, while the healing process goes on... nerves are regenerating, etc) which is pretty much what I assumed but asked to make sure
-want all this to stop stop stop
-Doc said my problems are complex. It may take a while to get things straightened out. Sounds like she's not going to put me off, and I really like her.

Done whining.
Tired.

Patti needs her antibiotic injection today - forgot yesterday argh Poor girl, she's really not feeling great either... although she was able to leap over the gate when she saw me coming and knew I had BANANA she loves BANANA!

Yesterday DD and DS both had doc appointments.
DD has a fungal nail infection. Toe nail and finger nails.
DS was told by the doc he had to get his sleep back into sync (go to bed at a reasonable hour, get up in the morning, no naps, etc....) and by the dentist that he needed to brush more often for his gums' sake, and he pouted his 16 year old pout all the way home.... the medical profession is picking on him you know. (Couldn't be that they actually had his HEALTH in mind, could it? LOL)

TIRED

Not feeling great. Nervous, twitchy. Not much appetite, a little nauseous, but I eat thinking it might help. (It doesn't) I've still got those vulva, perineum, rectal pains. I want so badly to get back to my life.

I have an appointment with the gyn on Wednesday to re-evaluate stuff.

This weekend I put together a "no tools required" gas grill and really didn't need tools or help. (the instructions were actually written by someone who apparently speaks english as their primary language, and there were pictures!)

Got a new computer chair (to replace the folding chair I've been using for years)

The shopping trip to purchase both items about did me in (DH was with me).

I am getting back to listing my beads on justbeads.com, in the polymer section. The way to get to my listings (only 2 at the moment) is to search for "jael" or use this link: http://tinyurl.com/6fuxl

Gotta take our little munchkin bunny in for a yearly checkup this afternoon.

I feel yucky.

I've been sitting at the computer for too long LOL
Feeling a little better today, but a little urpy feeling (not full fledged nausea). I took antihistimine yesterday, supposed to last 24 hours but I sure feel like my head is in allergy mode.

DS is getting better, more confident driving. My baby is growing up. Now if only I could get my 20 yr old DD to do the same. I may have to hog tie her and blindfold her and throw her in the car to renew her driver's permit so SHE can start practicing again. This is not good for her, spending all day at home, most of it on the computer or sleeping.

I think I did too much weed pulling on Tuesday. I've been having those sharp pains at the surgery site and swelly belly which tells me I overdid it. The bunny potty boxes need to be changed, so I will employ my son to help me.

Gotta go shower and start my day. Yesterday I put a couple of new bead listings up in justbeads.com - I'm bunnymom, Jael's Jewels - and I hope to get a few more beads ready and scanned so I can get a couple more listings up.

Well, Patti went in today and, under general anesthesia, the vet checked her mouth. I, on the other hand, cancelled my dentist appointment because I was feeling a little nauseous - probably sinus/allergy related - and didn't think a hygienist fiddling in my mouth would be a wise idea.

Patti is my toothless wonder. She had her incisors removed shortly after we took her in because they were growing straight out the front. I watched some of the extraction, and it was amazing - I saved the teeth (her buddy Crandall, gone to the rainbow bridge earlier this year, had upper incisors that were infected, and when they were removed it was quite an ordeal... the roots were abnormally long!)

Then about 4 months later she had an abcess in her jaw and had to have a portion of the jaw and several teeth removed - abcesses in rabbits are not like those in humans or even cats and dogs. Pardon the following comparison, but pus in bunnies does not "drain" because it is the consistency of cottage cheese. It has to be removed. Usually the abcess is a capsule - walled off. But it can put out fingers, and invade the bone and other tissue. Patti survived that abcess, a process of several months where I learned how to administer sub-Q antibiotics, flush a drain in her jaw, and treat a pseudomonas infection in her skin from all the moisture. She had to be syringe fed and take oral meds as well.

Patti survived the abcess a year later and then again the next year (this past winter). She is a spunky gal.

So she has molars that do not grow in any recognizable pattern. Her upper molars are sharp and off kilter, and the lower molars (the ones that are left) either stopped growing, grow down (impaction, she has a bumpy lower jaw) or grow sideways... so essentially she has only a few visible bottom molars to grind against the uppers - only gums.

The findings today: The upper molars may have irritated the lower gums which resulted in an infection - an abcess. Fortunately, there wasn't much pus, which I'm praying means we caught it early enough. She will need penicillan injections (bunnies can't have oral penicillin, it kills off the essential bacterial flora in their cecum) about every 3-4 days. Right now she is laying with her feet partially behind her, which means she's not in much pain. Pain posture is hunched and tense.

I still don't feel great, but I am pretty sure it's because my lower digestive track is sluggish (though who the heck knows why, I get plenty of fiber, and yesterday I pulled weeds outside so I got exercise!) and sinuses. I am now going to take an antihistamine and figure out what sort of dinner I can think up that won't make me feel sick

I would never want to tell anyone how to title their journal. It's a personal decision, and one I respect.

To me a journal entry is not quite the same as a post. In posts, the expectation is that it will be read - indeed the hope is that it will be read - therefore a warning in the title makes a lot of sense. In a journal, folks are allowed to read the public entries, but it is more of a (how shall I say it) peephole into that person's life; one that the journalling person has made, but a peephole all the same. If one chooses to peek into another person's life, sometimes the view can be difficult to handle. So in a sense, the warning is implied.... this is my journal, read at your own risk (obviously there are rules placed on our entries - such as no profanity - but this is an outlet for feelings and feelings can be difficult to read about too)

My own personal opinion, stated here in my journal. Not meant to harm or hurt, just musings and meanderings. For what it's worth.

Just wondered.... since these are our journals, do we really need to warn of mention of our children? It seems to me that someone reading another's journal should simply be aware that what is contained may be hard for them to read, regardless of the topic.

Perhaps a title that explains something about the entry would be more helpful - I've thought about this myself. Sometimes I just can't read for long, or don't feel strong enough to deal with another person's problems. When that happens, I scan the titles to decide what to do. If the title is "my crazy puppy" or "the pain is unbearable", it says a bit about what I'm in for. Even "I think I'm crazy" gives a hint. Or, like floppsy, the date alone tells me that the person's goal is to enter a record - and that also helps.

I am feeling more inclined to introspection these days.

I'm still on estradiol oral 1mg, estrace vag. cream 2grams

Patti bunny (pictured on my avatar) is going in to the vet for dental surgery/exploration - there is pus coming from between 2 of her back teeth again, probably another abcess (she's had 3 in the 4 years we've had her) She's really not herself, but loved her applesauce this morning. I love this bunny so much.

The worst is "well, it's not that bad, I don't want to go in and see a doctor - it's probably nothing...

I have a friend who is very lucky to be alive. She is a wonderful person, a good mother and wife. I did not hear about this incident until it was over.

Several years ago she was feeling a little under the weather. She played it down, didn't call the doctor.....

Then one day she was not feeling very hungry, but ate a couple (as in 2) barbeque potato chips. She then threw up. The vomit was bright red but she blew it off as being the dye in the chips. Two chips. Right.

Shortly after that she collapsed on the floor in the hall. Her teen-aged (not driving age) sons asked her if she was okay. She said she'd be okay, she just needed to lay there for a little bit. (She is not a small person, so it's not like they could have carried her anywhere) Seeing as how their mom is a pretty independent woman, they let her stay there.

She was still laying on the floor an hour later, and they asked again - she said the same thing. She told me she didn't want them to call an ambulance, because what if it was something silly or unimportant....

Finally her husband came home, took a look at her and called 911. It's a good thing. In another hour she would have lost enough blood from a bleeding ulcer to have died. She was close. She apparently asked the paramedics if it was okay they were called, and they said no question about it, this was serious and very appropriate. She was more worried about that than her condition at the time....

She told me that she had had black stools but hadn't been aware that this was actually the first clue that she was bleeding from the stomach - blood turns black when it goes through the intestines.

Her boys will not ever let that happen again, and neither will she. It took a long time for her body to recover from the loss of blood. It's not like her symptoms were dramatic - even when she was on the floor bleeding internally, she wasn't in pain - just very tired, right???? We are so afraid of being put down, so worried about "bothering" the doctor. Could we BE more foolish?

Really!!!!

I have been feeling more and more frustrated with the way my house and life are functioning. This morning I said to my self "Is this the way I want things to be??? NO!!"

I went to take a shower, and the disgusting filthy state it was in hit me. It is an oversized stall shower with faux marble walls and some sort of aggregate floor, but it looked like a science experiment gone haywire (as it has for quite a while since I have not been up to cleaning it and my husband never seems to be inclined to clean it) with black mildew, soap scum, and some sort of orange rust mold (not metal rust) everywhere.

I decided to spray some "Scrub-free" scum remover on it before I got in and let it set. Then got my clothes off and wiped it down. I'm not impressed with this product - scrub-free my patootie - but I wiped down quite a bit before I got to the business of showering myself. I got out of the stall and gave it one more rinse with the shower head. I tossed the dirty cleaning cloth in the sink and ran water over it to wash it out.

Then I spotted some "the Works" cleaner, and thought I'd see how that did. As soon as I squirted it on the faucet handle the deposits started to melt. I was ecstatic! (I know, I can't believe it myself) So I turned the shower back on (still naked) and proceed to give the stall another go with this product. I'm squirting and wiping, squirting and wiping.... and then I hear a weird loud noise, like.... water running..... I shut off the shower and the sound is still there, in the room....

I look over at the sink, and the water is running over the counter on to the floor in a cascade.... (can you feel the anguish in your heart? can you hear the scream building in your breast? do you sense tears welling in your eyes?) I had not turned off the water in the sink, and the cleaning cloth had sunk to the drain, blocking the water, and the little overflow drain just couldn't handle the flow.

I sloshed to the sink and shut off the water "STUPID STUPID STUPID HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID" pulled out the cloth, grabbed the towels and threw them on the floor "STUPID, I'M SO STUPID" knowing that the water was probably going through the floor, dripping on to the kitchen floor below, and I'm still naked and sweating, and throwing the books and magazines and clothes and JUNK on the floor out of the water puddle.....

I want my BRAIN BACK!!

I had already missed church (DH is minister, so he's not here) The house fan is on, so no child (at 16 and 20, not children anymore) seems to have heard the racket (or has ignored it). I have no tears. I have only myself, and so I cleaned it up as best I could, found my underwear and bra relatively dry so I dressed, then went downstairs to put a towel under the drip in the kitchen. Yes. It did go through the ceiling. As all overflows from either upstairs bathroom do - including toilet overflows.

AGGGGGGHHHHH

I have been doing non-computer activities more often lately, just kind of reading other journals periodically. It feels good.

I keep folks in my prayers.

The estrace cream is helping more than I expected, and that is a nice surprise. I still have burning pain when I sit at the computer or sit anywhere too long, but I feel overall more healthy. I can tell my body is healing bit by bit, which gives me hope.

One thing I read on another hysterectomy list is that having problems sexually in the first year is not unusual, because those nerves are also healing. Nerves grow very slowly.

We are desperate to be reassured immediately after surgery, but it's too soon - even too soon for an orgasm to be safe because orgasm can cause movement in places that are being held together by sutures. Then when we are cleared for "the act" it only means we are physically knitted together enough not to do serious damage, not that we can expect everything to function perfectly yet.

Not having wonderful sex in the first six months or the first year does not predict a life of frigidity, just as not being able to run around the block after the cast is off of a broken leg does not predict a life walking at a snail's pace.

That gave me peace. I can be patient with myself if I keep all of this in mind and focus on enjoying life along the way.

I'm spending less time on the computer. I am setting goals - to look up specific areas of interest on the 'net and in the library. Also to implement a healing lifestyle for myself and my family.

What I want to find out now is how the body heals from the trauma of surgery, both physically (how the tissues respond to the trauma and how they heal) and emotionally (grieving the loss of life as we knew it). I have a general idea, but now I want to get a picture in my head of what healing "looks like".

People who go through surgery can suffer post traumatic stress disorder, even if the surgery is life saving - as in open heart surgery - because the body perceives surgery as a trauma. This makes it possible for someone who recovers from surgery with few complications to suffer "unexplainable" depression at any time post-surgery....

A friend of ours had a heart attack (although he was fit and ate properly) and by-pass surgery several years ago. He was healing well, feeling physically strong.... and then, 5 months after surgery he realized he had lost his zest for living: he was going through the motions of life caring less and less and feeling less and less motivated. That's when his wife's physician told him what was happening to him was normal - post trauma depression. He was placed on antidepressants for a time, and is now back to "himself".

A hysterectomy requires more recovery time than heart by-pass. It also involves more emotional recovery. However, if you tell someone you had heart by-pass surgery, you'll get a concerned look regardless of whether it's been one month or one year. If you tell someone you had a hysterectomy, you get a concerned look.... for about a month or two. After that, try saying "I'm recovering from a hysterectomy" and you get "Hasn't it been a few months?" as if one has just had a tooth pulled or a mole removed. We need to remember that we are indeed still healing and that we may have to insist on having others respect that.

I need to get a shower and then I have a few calls to make.

I'm still on estrace cream 2g, estradiol 1mg oral.

-----------

Tired - what the heck am I doing up?

Still surfing for bits 'n' pieces about healing from the trauma of surgery.

Reading "Intuitive Healing"

Went to mom & dad's yesterday - brother was there from NC, enjoyed the time, but didn't sleep like home

Mammogram came back negative. No abnormalities.

I'm thinking about eileen, and hoping she's recovering nicely from her surgery.
About clementine, wondering how the vacation is going.
About moonchime, praying that she and her family will feel the warmth of God's love.
About Kim, and all her medical and family ups and downs.
And Stargazerlilly, while I scour the 'net for what the heck that weird lump could be.
Plus all the insurance oddities, medical uncertainties, family tension and love, emotional ups and downs, and wisdom of the whole group of journal-ers.

Praying that healing will continue, sadness will be comforted, and that everyone can feel the warmth of the sun at least once this weekend.

Of all the things that have happened over the past several months, the thing I am most amazed about is the change that has occurred in my relationship with my mom since her hospital/blood clot experience. We are talking again more often - not that we stopped talking because of animosity, we simply managed to let our lives shift us apart. I am thankful.

I have an appointment this morning to have my CPAP machine checked out & get a new mask ordered. 11:00

It's raining. I slept 8 hours. I want to go back to sleep

I have a soft blond beard and mustache growing now. Wonder why.

Neck feeling a bit better, endocrinologist says no cancer in thyroid (I kind of figured that).

Feeling pretty well.

good website with articles on managing your health plan, managing your doctor....

http://www.yourdoctorinthefamily.com...pt/default.htm
Becoming a More Effective Patient

For example:

It is an absolutely lovely day.

I found a cute dog (like maybe 15 pounds or less, maybe a peek-a-poo? ) wandering down my street, tags on and all. I said hi cutie and the dog came running like I was her long lost friend and let me pick her up. HMMMM. I put her in my car, and she settled right on to my lap. OKAY.... She was a DOLL. She licked my face and leaned her head against my chest while I scratched her head and belly, and I thought: Someone is a real idiot letting this dog run around unattended!

I tried calling the number on the tag (from a town about 20 miles away!) and got no answer. I took her with me to drive thru Arby's, and she wanted so bad to be in my lap the whole way. Can't drive with a little dog in your lap. (heart melting steadily) Kept putting her back in the passenger seat.

Back home, I used a belt as a leash and started canvassing the neighborhood, thinking maybe someone was visiting and the dog escaped (although I saw no one out frantically searching) Finally found a person on the next street who said someone was looking for a dog yesterday.... and that led me to a house at the end of my street that I had already knocked on (because I had a feeling it could be hers)

No one was home, but the neighbor was. He told me the lady next door is taking care of it for a friend. Some great sitter, if the dog has escaped twice in 2 days. Someday I could tell you a story about her cats who are very friendly, declawed, and who would walk into my house like they belonged here..... but not now. The neighbor said he thinks the lady had a stroke, which would explain a whole lot of things. He said he'd keep the dog in his back yard until the lady got back.

Neck pain getting better
I appreciate the concern, thanks

I was not worried about the pain, just angry it was not acknowledged, recognized as a possible side effect. Anger is not a productive emotion in terms of pain relief though so I just called the doc's nurse, left a message on the voice mail saying:

I am still having pain in my neck, ears, and head. I am not worried about it, I just wanted to make sure you were aware I was still experiencing it. (then I left my name and number)

I figure, maybe someone else got the reaction I did, got the response I did from the doc, and never bothered to say "hey! It DOES hurt longer than an HOUR!!!".

I am in less pain, although it still aches somewhat. What happens, from what I now understand from searching the INTERNET (it took some digging in health forums...) is that some people experience localized swelling which presses against the nerve and causes pain along that nerve.... which goes right up to the ear along with a few other places. Now that the swelling is down, the pain is less.

It seems pain from a nerve is different from pain from nerve endings (such as when you cut yourself or break your leg). OH, GOODY, NOW I GET TO BE A NEUROLOGIST
This confirms for me the fact that my pain in my genital-rectal area is indeed nerve related.

Mammogram
I hope this is the LAST procedure I have to have for a WHILE. It wasn't too bad, since my breasts are smaller than they were before surgery. Bigger than they were 2+ years ago at my last one, but ah well. I can call the doctor in a couple of days to find out the results - it's a diagnostic mammogram (because of the green/black stuff a couple of weeks ago) so I guess the results are available sooner.

I was late to yesterday's appointment (my fault) and to today's (traffic - took me 25 minutes to go about 5 miles cross town - and the parking garage was packed so I had to go clear to the top).

Yesterday morning I ran through the hospital parking garage and through the hospital only to find out the endocrinology dept. was across the street (north clinic/hospital and south clinic are joined by an enclosed walkway) so I went as fast as my little legs would carry me over the walkway and was out of breath when I got there (my blood pressure was a whopping 150/90, very high for me).

This afternoon I ran through the parking garage on the South side of the street only to find the Radiology dept. was on the North side so I took the underground tunnel because radiology is in the basement - jogged - and I can't believe it, I was not out of breath. What's up with that? Then I had to wait for 15 minutes, had the xray, had to wait another 20 so they could make sure they didn't need any more. I didn't mind much, and the mammogram didn't hurt too bad either.

Still have pain in my neck, sore swallowing.

Taking:
Calcium, Magnesium, Zinc, B complex, E, C, Flax oil caps
Drinking water, probably not following my own advice to my DS and not getting the proper sleep schedule, but I am sleeping 6-8 hours a night but still tired.
Not getting exercise - partly because of pain, partly because I'm just not making it a priority.
Eating so-so, nothing is particularly appealing, just not motivated to go grocery shopping - seems like such a chore, then not motivated to fix anything because I would have to wash pans before and after - not motivated to wash pans because belly hurts and I am angry.
Watching my sweet patti bunny "chewing" on her pen enclosure.... although she has no teeth and besides it's coated metal... she is so adorable.... Kinda like me, can't get out because I have no teeth and the enclosure is impossible to chew through anyway.... gotta do what patti does and look for a low spot and LEAP over
Thanks to moonchime for the laughter also, although I'm blonde myself (hands on hips)
Humor therapy websites:
http://www.aath.org/
http://www.humormatters.com/
http://www.phoenix5.org/humor/CartoonOperation.html
*****************
http://www.holisticonline.com/Humor_Therapy/humor_therapy_how_works.htm
Humor: How Does It Work?

In her book, "Pulmonary Rehabilitation: Guidelines to Success," Patty Wooten noted:

The ability to laugh at a situation or problem gives us a feeling of superiority and power. Humor and laughter can foster a positive and hopeful attitude. We are less likely to succumb to feelings of depression and helplessness if we are able to laugh at what is troubling us. Humor gives us a sense of perspective on our problems. Laughter provides an opportunity for the release of those uncomfortable emotions which, if held inside, may create biochemical changes that are harmful to the body.
***************
(quoted bumper sticker sections came from:
http://www.humormatters.com/bump.html)

the +'s and -'s of today

+I saw the endocrinologist, who convinced me my problems are not from my thyroid. And who was friendly, and took time to talk to me without making me feel like I was taking time from his busy schedule.

-I did need a fine needle aspiration because of the cold nodule. This supposedly painless test is not painless, and the pain did not go away after an hour (I asked how long before the pain would go, and he said it would be gone in an hour). It's an aching pain that started while he was doing it and got worse with the second sample, radiating from my throat out to my left ear and heading for my eyes. It's still there, 8 hours, 4 ibuprofen, and 4 ice treatments later.

-He tried to tell me my symptoms were probably from sleep problems, I should see if I could get another sleep study, I should also see about getting in to see the guy who does biofeedback. (Both good suggestions, but that doesn't explain the hair loss or the brittle nails. He even kind of shrugged off hormonal imbalance.) Fortunately I still have my gynecologist to work with THAT piece....

-When I called his office at 4 about the pain, he told his nurse I was anxious from the procedure and muscles were probably tight. I said no, I wasn't anxious, I didn't expect to keel over, I just wanted to know what to do about it. That's when I got the ice advice from his nurse, like I should have known to do that.

+He'll call me himself with the results of the test.

It would be so nice to have someone who looked at the whole picture - the interconnections and shifts that have occurred over the past 3 months since surgery. HOLISTIC.

The fine needle aspiration was... fast. That's the good news.

The first one he did felt like a horrible ache that reached all around my throat, down to my sternum, and into my left ear. I am fairly stoic, but I have been so exhausted.... so after he did it, I closed my eyes and the tears started to pool. He asked if I was alright, and I shook my head slowly as the tears rolled down my temples into my ears.

They were very nice, kind about it all, and the doc was pleasant. He is very much a doctor type in the sense that he was very confident in everything he said, and what he felt was quackery. I didn't really have any argument with what he said, though, so far so good... My thyroid levels are fine, reflexes are great, goiter is big with one large nodule prominent. There was a cold nodule, so of course the needle test.

They apologized but they had to take a second one to make sure they had enough cells.

They let me see the slide! Pretty cool, even though I wouldn't know a good cell from a bad. Most are apparently colloidal, some thyroid, and then the red blood cells of course which didn't look like cells at all to me.

My neck and ear still hurt, and it hurts to swallow. Headache. I'm doing some coughing and it feels like there is something in my throat. I took some ibuprofen, but the pain remains. I looked online for information on pain after this, but there isn't a lot - most say it's painless or "no more than having blood drawn from your arm" well, I'd give blood any day over this. Whoever wrote that the test is painless never had the test.

I'm okay. Digesting some information I received while at the doctor's office about some other meds I was taking.

I'm not depressed, but I've had it for the day.

Tomorrow endocrinologist. I don't know what to expect. I get so tongue tied around specialists, because I do not understand so much and feel so stupid. But I'm not stupid.

Pain pain and more pain today. My jaw hurts from clenching my teeth because of the perineal, rectal and vuvar pain. I also realized forgot to do the estrace vaginal cream and don't know if I should do it now or not. (banging head on the wall gently so as not to wake anyone or scare the bunnies) OUCH OUCH OUCH it's like someone stuck a burr in every orafic below my bellybutton.

Going to order a special cushion with a cut out in the middle for my chair then buy an office chair that will fit it.

Endocrinologist, 8:40 am tomorrow.

Ack what a whiner. :cry:

I have to say this:

The stupid water bill is the tip of the iceberg as far as my organizational problems go. We are fortunate we even have money with me at the helm managing it (not that I spend, just that I am sloppy)

My rear hurts because I sat too long and it reactivated all those compressed nerve endings.

I am blessed in so many ways. My life is a good one, filled with people who love me, bunnies who rule over me , and a body that is in relatively good health despite my complaints. We are fine financially.

So let that be my last word today.

Spent too much time on the computer, got pain.

Sex last night - pain.

Tried the squatting to poop thing, just didn't work for me

Disgusted with myself, I am so disorganized. I didn't notice that the water company screwed up my automatic payments (someone typed the wrong bank routing number starting in February) I just assumed (***-u-me) everything was fine so didn't open the notices. I was out and DH got a call from them saying we hadn't paid and we owed $148 and he paid it with our credit card, so he was upset with me and I couldn't even find my bank statements or any of the bills to see where it went wrong.... AAAAAGGGGHHH Called the water company and found out it was not me, but if I had been on top of things I would have noticed. When have I ever really been on top of things? Sigh. It does happen, from time to time. With long spaces inbetween.

I so need to rant, about so many things. My rear hurts though.

Off to shower.

I was looking for information on Pudendal Nerve Entrapment and Pudendal Neuropathy. These searches always have me going in a million directions (some because my interest is piqued, some because the website is misleading).

One led me to a PNE forum which led me to a website (naturesplatform.com) selling "Nature's Platform" where they have (in addition to the product, a platform to put over your toilet so you can squat to go) pages of information about the benefits of squatting to urinate or defecate. Also the history of our present "throne" and its negative effects. I don't know if I'm ready (or even if I am able) to try squatting, but I found the information riveting LOL.

.... was that we can delete our own journal entries. I have never tried to delete a post.

If I wanted to delete a post, I'd ask the owner (Kathy) for help. I can't imagine any owner of a site like this one who wouldn't help a member delete a post (or edit it) if that member had posted something they truly regretted posting. It wouldn't make any sense - since this site is set up to help a group of people who are already hurting or in distress.

Kim did a google search for my member name, and from that you can see that I did not choose a totally anonymous name - it's my yahoo ID. I am part of a yahoo group called MSAT (mini scenes and things) polymer clay art, which has online tutorials, and the chat is sometimes saved because it describes what's happening. Those tutorials came up on the search. My actual name came up in 2 places with yahoo and 3 with google - because I am part of a rabbit rescue group. LOL

So staying anonymous is only possible, I guess, if you never want to get to know anyone or let anyone get to know you.... and if you don't use the 'net, don't shop with credit cards, don't leave the house.... I am not the hermit type, I guess.

Journal entry time
I have been sleeping the kind of sleep I used to sleep when I had my period. Wipe out, strange dreams, and dead to the world.

The only part of my dream last night I remember is that we (dh, dd, ds and I) were in a hotel room: I had only reserved the room for one night but we wanted to stay for another. Another family opened the door and started setting up their things and I realized I hadn't gone down and changed our reservation. So we had to run around the room gathering our things and putting them in our suitcases while the other family watched and tried to help by pointing to things that we missed. My husband was saying "our time isn't up yet, why are they here" and I said "check out time was 11 and it's 2:30 pm" And I was thinking as I was waking up - no way would they send another family up without cleaning the room first!

Estrace cream, 4th day
The one good thing I've noticed (I was sleeping the dead sleep even before the cream) is that my bowel function is much much better. It's such a relief (on so many levels).

Mom
Mom is walking with a cane now!!

Please check the comments on my previous entry for clarification - fortunately our journals are our own. I actually have other personal reasons (see later in this entry) for keeping my journal basic for a while, and the copywrite issue was an aside.

We can delete our own posts - I have done so in the past and recently, although I copied them to my computer before doing so, in case I needed to retrieve them (or any of you need something there).

We should be aware, however, that once we place something on a public forum we have relinquished control of where it might go. (Again, this has not happened to me that I know of, but this is the internet and I can't be sure) Most folks that enter this site are people like me, I would hope, in search of information and support regarding this very personal journey of healing. There are those who are not, and there is no true way of screening them out because the internet has the potential to keep us and them somewhat anonymous.

Recently I placed a (strange, I'll admit) photo of myself as well as of 2 of my bunnies in member photos. It occurred to me that I was no longer quite as anonymous once I did that. Some people know my name. Then it struck me that someone from my extended family could read my journal, and I started soul searching.

I needed to get some things off my chest, so I don't feel bad about certain entries, but the fact that I made them public does bother me, so I'm thinking things over.

Very tired.

I would love to keep on journalling here, but for personal reasons I am going to keep the content very basic. If someone reads this and wants to know more details, email me.

I just read the guidlines for this site, and suggest everyone do the same - especially if you are considering writing a book.

I am often guilty of skimming such documents - but a friend of mine prompted me to look more closely, and I am glad I did.

I'm not putting down hystersisters. The information provided here is valuable - I'm happy I found the site and all of my sisters. Just wanted to make sure I said that!!!

I slept deeply last night. I could have kept sleeping - if I hadn't needed to pee and if I hadn't had to take DS to his summer school class LOL (tomorrow is his last day, final exam)

Going up to take a shower.

I have been looking for references dealing with how our bodies heal from trauma, as well as information about continuing pain post-op in the abdomen and elsewhere. Unfortunately, it causes me pain in the abdomen and elsewhere when I sit too long! OUCH!

I uploaded a couple of photos - but they are pending. LOL

today I feel sleepy but not too bad.
today I used the estrace vaginal cream.
today I changed Patti's potty box because the urine smell was embarrassingly strong (poor little bunny) which I could tell because her area is here in the computer room!
today I am going spend less time on the computer

I went to the gyn today regarding the genital-rectal pain and rectocele/cystocele. I came with my symptoms, brief history, and list of meds/supplements printed out. The appointment was with my surgeon's partner.... and I love her so far. She was pleased I had my info printed out. I also showed her the info I got from the internet on pudendal pain, and when I told her she could keep it (a nice stack of documents, neatly stapled ) she said she'd like to read them.

I told her I felt the pain less as a skin pain and more as from an internal source. She used a q-tip to test for pain in my vulva. There was only one painfully sensitive place that I could tell - my vestibule.

She had me bear down, and commented on my cystocele and rectocele.

She wants to start by having me use estrace cream in addition to my oral estradiol, 2 grams of cream (equal to .2 mg of the hormone) because she felt I was suffering from low estrogen. She was surprised at how much of a rectocele and cystocele I had, and felt it might be partially exacerbated by a low level of estrogen. (Should I ask about testing?) Also, to help with some of the burning in the vulva (assuming some of it is due to low estrogen) smear a small amount on the external genital area as well.

I asked if there might be some side effects when I first used it, and she said I might have some breast tenderness.

If this helps, I will be very happy. If it clears up the pain completely, I will be surprised but ecstatic. At least she has the pudendal info and is open to learning about it - even if my problem isn't PN, it may help someone else.

At least I feel like I have someone who is personable and comfortable working with me to get me back to health. First impression, anyway.

I enjoy reading journal entries when I have time.

I do have trouble reading them sometimes, I mean physically have trouble. Here are some tips I learned from an email list I was on, plus some of my own, that make them easier to read:

Make paragraphs short.

Double space between paragraphs.

Use the html options to make something stand out:
[b] for bold
[i] for italic
[u] for underline
[quote] to quote.
Then use the same letter or phrase with a backslash at the end to stop the action: [/ ]

It's time for bed. I've been compiling stuff to take to the gyn tomorrow (yawn) and looked over comments I missed.

I am so good at giving advice but not so hot at taking it.

But it's nice to hear others say they care, and I smile quite often when I read the comments. I would journal even if I got no comments, but they are the icing and the scoop of ice cream on my cake.

I am a crabby person today - I made a verbal jab at my DH, and I know the comment I made to him was designed to hurt. I wish he'd just respond - he sulks and avoids me. I apologized. I told him I was hurting and perhaps I just wanted someone else to hurt too. I'm angry in a general way that I can't stop this pain and angry that I have to find my own way to a solution. DH is not one of those guys that likes to fix things.

My kids are always here. My 16 year old does not have his license. My 20 year old does not have her license. I VANT to BE aLONE!!!

I now have pain above my hip that my husband (PT) can fix, but I let him go to bed without having him do my sacroiliac joint adjustment - DANG!

bed.... I must.... go to bed.....

Sidetracked Home Executives(TM) : From Pigpen to Paradise
by Pam Young, Peggy Jones

The book that coined the Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome
(S.H.E.)

I have had many people offer to help me with my house. The problem is, I would trust none of them. Perhaps it's that "gleam" in their eyes. Some even manage to make me feel like they are superior, like all I had to do was have a person like them to guide me and it would all be fixed.

One person in particular had lots of women in our playgroup feeling inferior (this was 15 years ago). She had a psychology degree. She was not only keeping her house clean, but also homeschooling her children. And doing it well. She was organized. One had the feeling that if anything went wrong in an interaction between her children and other children, it was most likely NOT caused by hers.

I didn't want to be her. I didn't really like her and felt bad about it because she wasn't a bad person - I figure I was partly jealous and partly dealing with my own self esteem issues.

She did make comments that implied that I was not quite as good as she was: I asked about a window treatment she had just installed, how much it cost because I thought I might like to do it myself.... She said something to the effect that it was too expensive for me (how would she know? we were very frugal and had a lot saved up at the time). AND she often offered to help me clear my house of clutter. I thought: I am not going to have her judging me while we go through things I value and she doesn't.

I finally decided I could not keep in touch with her, even though we lived about 4 blocks away, because it just pulled me down.

The only person I would consider having in to help me would be another person who wanted to do the same in their own house so we could help each other.

Boy, I'm still tired. Did make it to church though, and to Sam's Club.

Guess it's time for me to feel rotten for a spell. I even forgot to pray today! Just remembered! Sigh, better late than never.

That's what happens when you get all wrapped up in yourself.

Bad PNE pain. I didn't help myself when I spent hours looking up things like what's wrong with my monitor, and what's wrong with my body, and who knows what else. Sitting makes it worse. All day long pinching and burning.

What makes me feel even worse is that the house is filthy, the bunnies need their nails trimmed and potty boxes cleaned, and I barely get half the pots and pans done before tiredness threatens to overwhelm me. The kitchen floor is disgusting. My refrigerator contents are only safe to eat partway in (I have been trying to purge the part close to the back bit by bit.... not looking too closely at what it might have been.... )

I was going to do some stretching recommended in a book I bought, but it required a clear wall and floor and I have neither anywhere in the house, including the bathrooms. My DH went to use the kids' bathroom and asked me if anyone ever used it (it is disgusting, I would rather pee my pants) I said yes, hard to believe. Our kids are 16 and 20, old enough to take care of it themselves, and they apparently don't care.

Sometimes I want to go live in another house alone. I am not a neatnick by anyone's standards, but it appears I am the only one who is supposed to clean so I would rather just have myself to clean up after.

I remember before I got married I met my DH's SIL, and I swore I would never be like her. I even told DH that. I did not plan on being a housekeeper or a maid. I thought it would be a partnership. The housework would be something we shared. Yep. Living in a dream world I was.

You become a stay home full time mom and here's what you get "well, you are home!" like because you're home you have time to do everything as well as take care of the kids 24/7. Then if you are stupid like me (I introduced myself earlier) you somehow let your family get by without insisting on help and then POOF here I am. Angry.

Pain is talking. My shoulders, fingers, feet, back, vulva, rectum, head.

I'm so fuzzy.

Gotta get to bed.

I can't believe it. I typed up an entry and when I turned to talk to my DH the typing was gone.

I'm too tired to do it again.

Psychiatrist - doing well, not quite as well as he'd like to see me, I said I agree. I'll be going to another psychiatrist in Sept. since Dr. G is retiring from private practice. I'll miss him.

Seeing Dr. B on Monday, getting my ducks in a row to present my problems and ask my questions about PNE, rectocele, cystocele and constipation.

I didn't go to my folks' house.

Tornado warnings started in the afternoon, and storms continued until about 6:30.... when the sun came out! The storms were travelling along the highway I take to get there. Mom called and we both agreed it would be better if I left today - apparently a tornado had touched down briefly in a town about 10 miles away, and there was wind and hail damage all along the way from here to there.

Last night I was in bed and hooked up to my machine by 9:20pm, but I was angry with my DH and feeling depressed about my body.... I was trying to think about what it was like before my hysterectomy. Was I better then? I couldn't remember. I certainly didn't have this pudendal nerve pain.

DH was feeling better, which I told him I was very happy to hear. I also said I was feeling some PNE pain. I think I was hoping he'd at the very least say something comforting - like "I'm sorry you don't feel well" - or touch me. But he didn't.

I have unrealistic expectations for my DH. He's quiet, reserved, and not terribly assertive. Or aggressive. Well, passive aggressive I suppose, or passive resistive. Most of the time I can handle it and accept him the way he is.

I got angry with him because when our 16 yr. old DS was having trouble concentrating on his summer school homework (normally people can get all the work done during class, but DS, although very smart, is a slow reader and a slow writer) DH got all stern with him "you are the one who chose to take summer school" (wanted to get a little ahead) and similar comments.

He later apologized to DS, but I stayed angry. I get so irritable lately....

I'm going out to "sit" with my parents tonight again

Dad needs to sleep. I will be the night time gopher. I won't be doing any housework, my SIL is coming today and tomorrow to do some of that. I probably will pamper my dad a bit, too - I think he needs it. Then coming home tomorrow unless I feel absolutely terrific and want to stay another night (don't think that will happen)

I am so touched by the comments made in my journal. When I read the comments from the previous entry, I felt like I had been giving a huge hug. And I really needed that.

I am still feeling a little grossed out by the nipple incident, even though I am not worried about it. It doesn't make me feel particularly attractive or sexy, that's for sure.

Our anniversary was a non-event, DH was feeling rotten, and so was I. We will choose a night next week and pretend that our anniversary is that night LOL. DH is having a test done this week to see if he has a blockage in his digestive tract - he swallowed a capsule with weird white rings in it on Sunday, and every morning he goes in and gets an x-ray to see where it is. Fun, huh. He's also on antibiotics for his bladder infection.

Next week will be better.

I am still having some temperature regulation problems - cold when I lay down, extra warm when I get up and move. My body temp goes from 97 up to 99.5 through the day.

Also today having more PNE pain.

I'm feeling generally crabby and selfish. More than usual anyway.

I think it has something to do with the effect of eating donuts this morning. I haven't been eating much refined carbohydrates or sugar. I've never noticed this much of a dramatic effect before - I think my blood sugar rose and then dropped suddenly. Probably should push for a fasting glucose test.

I am no good to anyone on the journal front. I think I will avoid commenting for a bit, since when I look at what I wrote it seems abrasive.

I went into the doc today. This morning before my shower I noticed greenish black ick oozing (droplet) from my left nipple and after squelching the urge to vomit I called and got (truly a miracle) an appointment with MY own doctor.

Turns out it is probably a cyst which somehow leaked into my milk duct. Turns out greenish black is the color of the fluid in cysts. (I've always had fibrocystic breasts) (GAG!) Who knew? I go for a mammogram on July 27, unless I can get in from a cancellation before that.

My mom had a blood test to see if her clotting is part of a genetic thing. Her mom and brother both died from blood clots (not that they were young - 89 and 70+ respectively) Hasn't come back yet, but if there is a genetic factor then we kids can be tested and treated prophylactically. That may mean changing my hormone dose. I hope not.

I feel like a split personality. One part of me is happy, contented, grateful, and full of love. Another part is irritable, angry, dissatisfied and totally self-centered. And yet another is able to step back and see things objectively, using my intelligence to solve problems; tolerant and gentle.

Lately.... I have been flying from one extreme to the other. And even THAT makes me mad!

{pulling hair and burying face in folded arms} serenity now.....

Tomorrow is our anniversary. 24 years.

Today, I felt hot for most of the day. My temp was 99.4 and I felt it. This morning it was 97. I don't think I'm sick. Just having temperature regulating problems.

Tired.

DH not feeling great.

I'm a little put out.... when he's had to do something to help someone or had to attend a class, or visit someone in the hospital, I'm sympathetic. So far when I've had to deal with my mom's illness he's been less than supportive.

I know he's not feeling well. But I have been feeling unwell and been supportive. Most of the time.

Enough. Still very grateful for all the blessings.

It's my DH's birthday, so I came back today from my folks' house.

I am tired, but I feel so good because I really felt like I helped by being there. My dad is so tired from having to do everything as well as help my mom (she is a knee replacement and pulmonary embolism princess) and he is not in the greatest of health himself.

I washed some dishes (not that many for 2 people - since my mom isn't cooking ) and helped mom when she needed to get out of bed or use the bed pan (in emergency situations). I didn't have to lift her, just make sure she had her walker/wheel chair/commode/bedpan in place. It was just nice for my dad not to have to do it all the time.

I even made breakfast in bed for my dad - he was so tickled! Also for mom, but she was already up sitting in the recliner

She is doing so well!! I swear she is getting around so much better, even from yesterday today!! She is even a little more positive, saying she wants to keep the knee flexible so she can get back to walking without a walker

The toughest thing for me was when I changed their bed - it is a king sized soft sided water bed with extra padding, and the bed pan must have spilled the night before I got there - the bedding and mattress top was soaked on mom's side, even though they have those disposable pads.

I washed stuff and put a fan on the wet spot. But that bed!!! it was a bear to get the mattress pad back on!! Put one corner on (struggle struggle) put another on (didn't matter which on) and POP off came the first. {hair already thinning being pulled out}

I was ready for a nap by the time I got all of the stuff on!!!

Anyway, I'm home, feeling good about myself, and needing to rest. Time to snuggle my birthday guy.

And wipe out.

PS the thing I wanted to bop my mom for was the time she called me in five minutes after I got her off the bedpan late at night and she called me in to let a cat in. Like the cat couldn't hack being out. Give me a break - they have 9 and I'm sure my dad didn't need to be getting up just to let a cat in or out. (trust me she told him to let cats in and out too) They survived while she was in the hospital LOL not having a "cat butler"

DS's doc appointment:
Doc said his bronchitis had a pretty good grip on him, and that although he sounds very much better than he did, there is still a little "pop" when he breathes. So it is not surprising that he is fatigued and needing sleep at this point, and he is to continue using the advair for a few weeks.

I slept last night, still tired but planning on going to my folks this morning. Thanks for the prayers.... I want to share something I wrote last night in a PM to another sister which proves to me the prayers are truly being answered:

"I am exhausted. I'm in pain, and not feeling quite "right". I feel depressed and yet not depressed. It's like when you're sick, and your mom is bringing you soup and cold cloths.... you're still feeling rotten, but it is not as bad because someone is there who cares. I think this is the first time I can actually identify the love of God holding me up. It's always been there, but I can see it now and it gives me comfort."

Now I need to get my stuff together and in the car. DS spent the night at an old friend's house and needs clean clothes for summer school this morning.

I am going to leave tomorrow to go to my folks. I am more awake in the morning, plus my medicines will be fresh in my system.

They said they just need me by 10 AM.

I'm foggy. And just so tired. I wish I didn't have to wait another week and a half to get in to see someone.

Just wanted to put that into my journal. I feel like something's got hold of my throat, my head, my heart and put metal bands around them and spread vaseline over them so everything is blurry and hard to hold on to.

Tonight going to my parents to be available if dad needs to go out, or to wash dishes, etc. I already told them I won't be a huge help, but will do what I can.

Mostly we kids all want to make sure someone is around to keep an eye on things - dad seems to be less than rational as far as decisions pertaining to mom goes. What the heck kind of sentence it that?

I don't really feel like going emotionally.

I just feel low. And tired. Should nap.

Taking DS to doc for recheck. He slept from yesterday 1:00 PM until 5:20 AM today. He sleeps so much.

See ya later.

I was going to say morning quickie LOL

I am happy mom won't be driving for a while. I hope she doesn't drive again - she was getting scary. Dad is, too, but I treasure my life too much to tell him.

My dad was not fun to drive with - he shouted. And generally speaking, he expected us to do as he said, not as he did. Mom was easy to drive with.

I am tired this morning. Depressed too. My belly hurts (probably from driving with DS, as Clementine mentioned ) and I ate breakfast even though I really didn't feel hungry.... a little nausea now, but not really from eating.

I wish I could lie down and wake up whole. I have felt this way before, even pre-hyst, but it's even worse now. It's hard not to feel regret - I know now that surgery was not imperative, oh, shoot I am not going to to there. I don't even want to be _here_ so I won't go _there_

Complain complain. I'm okay, and I am not really that low. I have been much lower. I can still laugh, and feel content sometimes, so this depression is more situational than my previous depression. It will get better.

Reminder to me: prayers this morning.

I need to sleep, but I had such fun reading the comments about teen drivers!!

Everyone here is so strong in their own way.

For the record now:
My fingers are swollen, and I have been having hot flashes all day. Like now. And my beard is back.

I think I need to pray instead.

Please remind me by PM if I can pray for you. I need to make a list, my brain is a sieve. And I need to do something constructive that won't hurt.

I thought I better mention that DS has been taking "behind the wheel" for the past 4 weeks through school.... and the instructor had expressed concern.... which is one reason I took him out yesterday.

For Kim who is looking ahead to her boy driver: letting him get behind the wheel is probably a good idea (not on the open road of course LOL) so he feels familiar with it.

We never did that, and I wish now that I had taken DS to a parking lot (empty one!) and let him putter around over the past year or two - it might have been helpful for him. He's kind of an absent minded professor type (nerdy but sweet) and when he needs to turn on the signal he looks down at the wheel to find it.... a liiiiiittttle too long

And have any of you all noticed that a new driver has to tell you all the things you are doing wrong as you drive?

My current list of errors according to my DS:

I don't stop properly at a stop sign (I'm supposed to stop and let the car "rock back" before proceeding)
I get in the left lane of our city's four lane main roads and stay there sometimes (instead of getting into the left lane closer to when I have to turn, or to pass)
I don't always use the "hand over hand" method to turn
I park crooked (I admit it, I already knew that - it's a minivan and I just don't care sometimes)
....among other faults....

I'm glad he knows how to drive, but I have been edgy and irritable and want to slap him sometimes (but I don't, never have been one for violence).... Poor kid!

Ok, off to shower. And maybe nap. What the heck, maybe I'll finally sleep...

I feel like crap. Well, not quite but close.

I SLEPT badly. Did I sleep? I remember the clock at 1:45 and 3 and 4 and heard the birds start chirping and got up to pee and lay back down and at 5:30 gave up.

Found a pudendal nerve forum - and found out my symptoms are classic PNE after posting and getting plenty of responses. Now where to go from here.... arming myself with literature to bring to the gyn in a couple weeks....

I should not have done it. I am just too tired and nervous. I wound up yelling at him. "SLOW DOWN SLOW DOWN YOU'RE GOING TOO FAST TO TURN SLOW DOWN" Sigh. He didn't hit anything. Despite his crazy mom.

DS is just not very coordinated and I'm just not feeling very relaxed these days. I apologized. Driving a car is scary, and riding with a new driver is scarier.



got some good advice from my previous comments.... betcha no one has experienced this new driver thing, though Right.

First, my physical update: every finger joint hurts. all of them are swollen and red, took motrin to take the edge off pain. Been reminding myself to eat protein (oops, haven't had breakfast this morning - hitting forehead with heel of palm) Fingernails are growing a bit and less brittle. Getting facial hair again (grrr). Still losing head hair. Lots of burning vulvar pain yesterday, a little better after bowel movement. Tired.

(NO MILK IN THE HOUSE, am I the only one who does anything around here? If I'm not here, do they not shop???)

I called mom on my birthday (Thursday) to talk to her. She was almost back to her old self. I told her I had the best birthday present I ever could have asked for - being able to talk to my mom and have her talk to me. I was euphoric most of the day, so thankful to God that I hadn't had to say goodbye to my mom forever....

I went out to my folks' house on Friday. My brother and SIL who lives in NC were there (they come out this time of year for a visit anyway, so it worked out well) although my brother had to fly to PA for business and was not back until late friday night. We did some cleaning that night. I was totally exhausted and stressed out.

My SIL, U (from NC, love all these letters?) lost her mom to a stroke many years ago, and her dad is a stranger to her, so I think sometimes she is jealous of how much my parents love me. (even though I know they are disappointed with me in some respects, trust me they don't think I'm perfect) She'll make comments that hurt me (she feels that my mom favors me and doesn't give the other SIL, M, her due. DUH, she's my mom), and most of the time I just let them fester.

But then she tried to imply that I should watch what I say to my mom - apparently my mom told U and M that during my birthday conversation I said I was glad she didn't die and mom was crying. According to M mom was touched I called, but U focussed on the crying part, so you can see how perspective varies. Well, needless to say I didn't say that, but my mom probably condensed the conversation a bit. My mom had brought up how fortunate she felt to be alive, since her brother and mother both died of blood clots (grandma was 89 and uncle S was in his 70's) And besides, who was she to decide what I could say to my mom anyway? Instead of letting it fester, I told her it hurt that she felt she had to tell me to watch what I said. She said she appreciated that I told her and she was sorry. That worked out better. It won't stop the comments, but I could let it go.

My SIL, M (lives near my folks) is like the energizer bunny - she keeps on going and going. She is a very generous person, very loving and caring - a natural "care giver" {aside: both of my brothers and their wives feel I don't do a very good job parenting, though, (and that I am a hopeless, albeit talented, slob,) which I sense everytime we get together, but that's another story}. She and R are very active in their church. They are also very republican and very right wing Christian, so I don't get into conversations with them about religion and politics because they always have to be right and I want to stay civil. I do love them. M and R do a lot for mom and dad when they can. Their DS is the first grandchild. This DS has been the catalyst for tension between my parents and M since he was born, unfortunately, since my mom always takes his side and defends what ever he says or does (he's not a bad guy, keep in mind, just has a lot of growing up to do. he's 22yrs old now) She used to take care of him a lot when he was a baby.

The next day we visited mom, watched her do her therapy (she had been refusing the afternoon session so we purposely stayed and encouraged her) and did a little more cleaning. I was so tired, emotionally and physically, that I stayed home when the rest of the family went to dinner. I just couldn't handle any more people or any more sitting! I was afraid I'd blurt out something I would regret later.... or worse, I would not make sense because I was so tired. M always looks so composed and organized, I couldn't stand seeing her LOL with me feeling like I belonged in a home for the senile

I visited mom by myself on Sun morning, and that was very nice. No one watching.

I had come up with an idea the night before: Bring a notebook to put near mom, and ask people to write down when they came to visit, what happened when they were there, doctors names, blood drawn, etc. That way mom could have a reminder of what happened (it gets so disorienting!) and who was there that day. Also, for those who came in after, they could see who was there as well (mom was getting confused, and people weren't believing her when she told them things).

I also took her clothes home (to their house) and washed them. They had been a plastic bag for a week and dirty and clean had intermingled with unpleasant olfactory results. (PEEEEE YOOOOOO)

One thing I've noticed about U and my brother B, as well as my parents, everything revolves around when and where the next meal will be eaten. Seems like we just finished eating lunch when they are talking about where we'd be going for dinner.

I came home last night (my home) and was so thankful to be in my own bed, in my own home, disaster area that it is.

My mom is expected to be discharged on Tuesday. I may go out there on Thursday night and stay a few days to help out. That's my plan anyway.

Time to rest, DS is feeling better and wants to go practice driving after his summer school class this morning. (Can't believe they have class today)

DH has a dr. appt this afternoon with the gastroenterologist.

Mom is apparently doing very well. I had planned on getting back out there earlier today but I pooped out. I think everything just kind of hit and I crashed. I could go back to sleep now LOL but I won't. I'm not the kind of sleepy that makes you fall asleep at the wheel, just the kind of tired from lots of stress.

We'll leave as soon as DD gets a shower. DS is sleeping again - he's finally getting over the bronchitis, I think the Advair helped - but his body is trying to recover and he's tired too.

Be back on Sunday. May have a chance to get online at my dad's computer but he has a dial up and don't want to hog the line.

I was going to read more journal entries, but I can't keep my eyes open anymore. I have been so tired all day, plus aches and pains everywhere. My hands are very bad right now.

I made an appointment with the GYN office. The dr. who did my surgery is booked solid all months so I was offered an appointment with her partner (I didn't even know they had partners, thought everyone was in the same office in a group...) I said yes. It still isn't until July 19. In some ways I am relieved not to have to deal with Dr. W again. (readers reference past journal entries to see why)

Last comment - I have been forcing myself to eat, focusing on more protien (as recommended by the endocrinologist for my thyroid) and frequent meals, feeling full, and oddly enough I actually lost more weight. Not being hungry - not my normal self (pre surgery). Wonder how much longer this will go on. I have been doing reading to figure out why protien was recommended, but I can only come up with the fact that thyroid hormones bind to certain protiens. Why is that good, I haven't been able to decypher.

Night

Happy birthday TO me!!!

I already have the best present ever. Life.

I've been pushing myself to eat more protien. I think it has helped a bit. Why on earth don't I feel like eating? I mean, I can eat (put hand to mouth with food in it) absent mindedly when I am nervous, but if there is no food there, I am just as happy. Who is this person inhabitting my body?

DS went for a check at his doc, still coughing, she heard wheezing but the rattle not as much as last week. (he does not normally have asthma) She gave him a nebulizer treatment in the office, and since it helped, she gave him a sample of Advair (that is a cool package, a disc with premeasured dose you breathe in). He's still on antibiotics. Poor kid, he's exhausted. Fell asleep before dinner and was too tired to get up to eat. Still asleep. (a 16 year old, asleep at 6:00pm...)

I still haven't called the Gyn office. I'm such a chicken. I get so intimidated at the dr. office. Hard to stick up for myself. And I don't know what I really expect them to do for me! part of me doesn't even expect them to take me seriously....

Sleep time. Sigh. zzzzz Mom is better zzzzz Thank you God.

I talked to my mom on the phone today. ON THE PHONE!!

My mother talked to me!!!

My mom says she is not ready to die just yet (said as if she hadn't even considered it) :dance2: LOL I said good, I'm not ready for her to die either.





Go MOM go MOM go MOM

(letting out a deep sigh of relief)

Is there anyone out there who did or said something after surgery that they would not normally do or say? and was embarrassed?

Surely not! (LOL I wanted to go back to the ward and show them I wasn't really crazy, I was so embarrassed by my actions caused by the vicoden)

Mom is now herself again. She's been apologizing to everyone for how she might have acted (some things she can't remember, some she can) even though the nursing staff keeps telling her that they understand, it's okay, etc. They keep telling her that they are so happy to see her back on the floor, and that she looks like a different person. It's so tough. But that's what my mom is normally like. She doesn't talk back to people unless she's really mad and then tends to break down (but boy if you do something she doesn't like she holds a grudge forever.)

I'm crying tears of relief. Thank God! I'm very thankful that so many prayers were said, so many of you cared, and thankful I didn't have to say goodbye to my mom forever. Grateful that my dad is doing better - he would be lost without mom. They're such an odd couple, so picky and grumpy, but so used to each other LOL

I'm planning on getting some sleep tonight, going to bed at a decent hour (not that my body will give me a choice). I am sore in the abdomen, and lots of places are complaining about the sleeping accomodations last night The burning started back last night, and is still there. Sleep should help. I can live with it. My mom is getting better.

Note to myself: call the gynecologist tomorrow for an appointment re: burning and pain and all that.