As I fade off into the sunset, my dear Sisters, I leave you with this, one of my favorite lyrics...

You Gotta Be

Des'ree
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead, release your fears
Stand up and be counted. Don't be ashamed to cry

Herald what your mother said
Read the books your father read
Try to solve the puzzles in your own sweet time
Some may have more cash than you
Others take a different view

Time asks no questions
It goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
Can't stop it if you try to
The best part is danger staring you in the face

Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try to keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead, release your fears

You gotta be
You gotta be bad
You gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser
You gotta be hard
You gotta be tough
You gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool
You gotta be calm
You gotta stick together
All I know all I know love will save the day

I noticed today that I'm running low on days remaining for my membership as a Crown Jewel. Like 2 weeks or maybe a day less.

I presume that when my membership ends, my journal will disappear. I don't intend to renew my status as a crown jewel - not because I'm disappointed or upset or anything negative. Just because I need to move on, put my energies into other projects and focus away from my surgery.

It's been a very growth-ful year. I've learned a lot about myself, confronted myself on some issues and made room to straighten out my priorities. I've fallen in love with my family again and again, and learned to express my appreciation to them more often. I've become stronger and more confident in my own ability to make decisions and I believe I've gained integrity in the eyes of others who have seen me tell them "like it is" even when they didn't want to hear the truth.

This website has been a nurturing, informative, helpful cocoon for me where I could express my fears and joys and address my own ignorance. It's awesome. I will recommend it to any woman I know that is considering or experiencing the decisions surround hysterectomy. I am thankful for the opportunity to be a part of this community.

Now it's time for the butterfly to open up and let this event fade in the rear view mirror. I've had my time to occupy these pages. It's time to step aside and let someone else have the megabytes of space to express and learn.

Thanks for letting me be a part of your world, and thanks for being a part of mine.

Be good to one another, and always remember

The Only Dumb Question is the One That Isn't Asked!

My former boss (He got promoted to Vice President of Sales) has contacted me and asked if it is okay to consider me for a different position within the company upon my return to the corporate headquarters. Hmmm.. go from being one of about 30 little goldfish in the bowl (we have two shifts of artist/designers there) or become the Mother-of-all-Fish in my own seperate department where I may occasionally have part-timers under my supervision.... hmmmmm.... the gal that is vacating the job is retiring after 25+ years, so it's not like I'm swiping someone's job out from under them. Yep I think I'll let him put my hat in the ring for this other job. It also puts me in a position to be part of meetings that include the president/founder of the corporation on occasion and to travel to trade shows in exotic places like Dallas (kidding about the exotic part!). It may not mean much more pay, but it definitely puts me in a different area of the building with friendlier/happier co-workers. That's a plus!

Over the last couple of months I've been on Grand Jury Duty. It's pretty ugly stuff, actually, deciding what does or doesn't go to trial. We hear a lot of details that the general public doesn't - so if they've seen the matter in the papers when it was news, and then see it again when it's announced what we indicted them on, people that know I'm doing this try to question why we made the decision the way we did. However, Grand Jury deliberations are confidential so I can't discuss it with them. It really frustrates people that someone as outgoing and talkative as me won't tell them the nitty gritty details. Oh well. Mostly what I've learned is:

Don't mail checks to pay your bills from your neighborhood drop box or the box at your curb. Take them TO the Post office and put them inside the building drop. Also, don't pay cash in private offices like doctors, optical shops, dentists, lawyers. And check your deposit slips and statements very carefully from wherever you do your banking to be sure that your deposits aren't posted as if they are withdrawals. Yikes.

Drunk drivers are dangerous, but some of their details are pretty amusing. Drug dealers are equally foolish in where they try to hide things and the explanations they come up with.... "These aren't my pants". Excuse me???

Abuse of children is HORRIBLE, and it's even worse having to hear it from the child. Hearing the details from an abused woman isn't any picnic either. It's really no joy when there's a murder and you find out about the string of abuse that lead up to it.

So, we are excused from duty next week, then our last session is May 19. It's been an education, one I wouldn't have missed. I've always wanted jury duty in some form, and I've got my wish now. I'll be glad when it's over though, so I can quit trying to do my 5-day job in 4 days of attendance, and I can quit having to work early and late to make up the extra time. Then I can focus on getting organized and packed to move back to Kansas at the end of July, and look forward to being back in the same town with my grandson. I have all sorts of plans of how to spoil him rotten now!

Ok, one more entry while I'm finishing lunch. Truly, I am chewing carrot sticks while I type.

April 19 will be one year post-op for me. I feel great! Warm feet, warm hands, better skin color, more energy - all because I'm not dreadfully anemic anymore!

I look forward to the coming months, and having the energy to keep up with my grandson. Our family has made the decision to leave Santa Fe and return to Kansas this summer. Having lived at this high elevation, I'm going to be more oxygenated for a few months when I return to the low level of Kansas. Having solved my anemia, I'll be able to get out and run around at the park with him. He can be part of my exercise regimen while I give my daughter a break on a regular basis from her newly acquired status as a single parent... without Daddy around, the grandson needs someone to take him off Mommy's hands once in a while. He'll be three years old by the time we return, and we feel there will be a lot of catching up to do!

All in all, I'm thrilled that I had the surgery. I'm healthier. I'm more energetic. I get more accomplished. I am more assertive, and willing to say what I want/need in a reasonable way instead of waiting until it's a crisis and having no options for making things better.

That's how I'm going back to Kansas. I explained to my employer that there is just no way we can live/thrive/improve on the salaries we're making here in Santa Fe. The cost of living in Kansas is so much more reasonable. My supervisor has agreed to find me a position back in the home office where I worked for 3 years before coming here. So, my benefits can continue. DH can transfer from the "big orange box home improvement center" store here to the one that was recently built there in our previous home town - which means his bene's continue too. In the past I might have just stewed about the situation until I just had to quit and move. But I was able to keep my emotionality under control and speak fairly eloquently to my boss about the situation.

So life in general may be a bit of a hassle over the next 4 months - packing and moving is never a fun thing for me - but I can cope with it. I'll be back near family and able to see them in person instead of just email and phone.

Just in case I don't get a chance to post this in the next few days, I will put it in writing while I finish my lunch...

On April 17, I will be 1 year since I threw that last pack away!

I've lapsed twice with a half cigarette while sitting in a bar listening to whatever band my DH was sitting in to drum with. I still consider it to be a year, since I haven't bought any for my self in that time, and I haven't even had a whole smoke at once in all that time.

My weight did go up about 5 lbs over this last year. I didn't keep up with exercise like I had hoped. I'll give myself the excuse that the weather this winter was unreasonably cold and messy in Santa Fe, therefore I could not keep up the walking regimen that I had hoped, when it really mattered. I "could" have got in the car and walked at the mall, but I didn't.

I also allowed myself to "get off the wagon" when it came to my calorie/fat intake for a while. I really don't blame smoking or quitting for my weight. I don't think it was a factor, truly. I baked a lot this past winter and ate the fruit of my efforts - chocolate chip cookies are delicious, but they stick to the hips and belly.

So, now that I've proven to myself that I can make the long-term commitment to stop smoking even though DH is still a smoker and even though there has been major stress in my life over the last year, I'll now turn my attention to better controlling my weight. Not as a weight issue, but as an overall health issue.

...You Just Might Get It!

I FINALLY had a few minutes on my lunch hour today to come back to the site and update my journal. FUNNY that my last entry said I was bored. Within a couple of days of that entry, I got notice in the mail that I'd been summoned for duty on the local Grand Jury. This is different than regular trial jury duty, in that it meets every Thursday until the end of May, for the whole day. We decide which cases/charges are worthy of trial and which are not...like instead of the "Preliminary Hearing" that we Law&Order fans are accustomed to seeing on TV.

So far there have been some interesting, some gruesome, some hard-to-hear and some just plain silly cases before us as a group. The "silly" ones are the really stupid criminals that do things like drive under the influence, get caught with breath 3-4 times the legal limit and still try to claim that they had TWO beers before they got behind the wheel. Or the embezzlers that get caught at $200 from the employer's till, and admit to thousands of dollars over many many months.

It's actually very interesting - though sometimes frightening to find out what happens in convenience store parking lots or within 8 blocks of my own house. For one thing, if a person isn't a cynic before grand jury duty, they certainly have an edge to them by the time the weeks are over!

Anyway, my employer doesn't reimburse for time lost to jury duty. So, I've been having to do my full 40 hour week, without putting any hours on Thursday. Pretty much that has meant 10 hour days for me, so that I could maintain my weekends for household chores, errands and a little relaxation. So, needless to say, I haven't had the time to be creating any avatars for anyone, and for that I do apologize to you, my dear sisters.

Okay. There's not much to do in the winter time in Santa Fe. You can't plan outdoor activities, because as soon as you think you can BBQ, go to the park, or plan a day long road trip, a sudden snow storm will arrive to teach you that Mother Nature is SOOOO in charge!

I don't really have any craft projects pending right now. Since space is such a premium here in these teeny adobe houses, I don't have a sewing area established where I could start a project and work on it long term. Pretty much I need to be able to clean up and put away at the end of a day, just so things don't become irritating. That doesn't lend itself well to the kind of messy hands-on projects I really get into doing.

We already have built our diner booths and awesome memorabilia table. I can't paint the walls of the breakfast nook to match our "style" because this is a rental house and the owners don't want anything other than the almond (BLECK) "color scheme" they have established with the berber carpet and invisible walls.

If I bake any more goodies I'm going to become a stand-in for the Goodyear Blimp. Hubby has an aerobic job - on his feet all day in a retail environment. But my job is just too sedentary to be helpful in keeping the cookies off my waist and hips. The weather, again, is not dependable enough to take walks during my work day.

So, dear Sisters, I offer you this opportunity.

I you would like an avatar created to suit your screen name or your personality, please drop me an email.

Obviously I won't be able to accomodate hundreds of requests, but I would be willing to do some in my spare time. I created the one used by Northlights, if you'd like an example of what I have done in the past.

I admit I'm better at the ones that are not animated, but I will give it my best try if you want motion. I am somewhat limited by what is allowed by the HS site, so let's keep it fairly simple. A wagging tail or growing/receding cloud, winking eye, that sort of thing. Something that doesn't take a lot of frames to create the effect - because file size is important in this venue.

Or, if you need help refining background/buttons/banners/graphics for your personal web space - I can help there, too.

Basically, I need something to do. By doing this sort of thing for my friends here on HS, in a small way, I can do it without charge. At the same time, I can put the accomplishments in my portfolio for future art related employment. Also, because I'm doing this as a "favor", I won't be under extreme time crunch pressure to get it done "five minutes ago" like I am at work.

So Ladies, have at it. If you have some ideas for a graphic that you would like to use, please go to my profile and drop me either a pm or email and let's see what I can come up with for you.

I have what I suppose can be called a bad habit. When I'm driving home from work here in Santa Fe, I really don't care about traffic problems in Albuquerque. Unfortunately, most of the stations I like are based in Albuquerque. Santa Fe has little more than NPR that is actually based IN SF. I like to listen to Classic Rock, and hey, in a pinch I'll even listen to a Country-Western station here called The Range.

But, here I am, heading out of my office at 5:30pm for the 20 minute drive home. The traffic reports are every 5-8 minutes from 4:30 to 6:30. Maybe they should just solve the congestion problems instead of spending so many dollars telling us about them??

Anyway, the station I usually start out with has a traffic report...so I push the next button on my radio.... traffic report... ok next button... the last 3 bars of something from Queen and then, you guessed it, another traffic report... I go all the way down the dial buttons and end up on The Range.... okay, this I can deal with in short bits. They really like to play OLD country in the drive home hour but it's ok...at least I know most of the words and can get thru the drive home.

I get within a couple blocks of home. There's Kenny Rogers singing away.... "you picked a fine time to leave me, lucille..." I'm singing along like an idiot at the top of my lungs... I pull into my drive way, still singing along. I push the remote to raise the garage door as I turn off my car and get out. I'm still singing... then I actually LOOK into the garage. There stands Hubby... sorting laundry into the washer...cracking up at me for just singing along even tho the radio is off now.

We go inside. He starts to get things set up for fixing dinner while I go change clothes and wash up. We're planning on French Toast and Bacon for dinner, because the cold snap makes us crave "Breakfast For Supper".

I step into the kitchen and he turns around, pointing the bacon at me of all things.... "Oh THANKS! Now I can't get that dumb song out of MY head!"

The rest of the evening, when it would get quiet, one of us would just start patting out the waltz beat and humming. Twice I threw pillows at my pet drummer to get him to stop!

Just wanted to share the typical, silly slice of life that is my world.

This is the time of year when all the sales people from my company gather for their annual hooplah. They get to be all charged up to face the new year. The other half of our company, the paper pushers and artists, don't get this opportunity. I think we could use it, but hey, I'm just a peon.

So, my reps, as they were preparing to be out of town at company expense for 4 days, asked me what on earth I was going to do to keep myself busy while they're gone. My answer:

"All that stuff that I NEED to do regularly, but CAN'T because you guys won't let me concentrate on it!"

So for starters I'm doing some serious FTP downloading to my machine to get ready for the next 4 big projects that will start in about 30 days. I'm cleaning under my desk (there are boxes/shelves under there that need straightening). I'm organizing drawers and I'm throwing out ancient useless junk that no one else will take responsibility for.

I really am the office Mom.

When my kids would go to their grandma's house for a couple of weeks in the summer they were always worried that I would be bored without them. Are you kidding me?? I could do what I WANTED! I loved it! I ate all the "weird" things that they hated for dinner.... you know.. stuff like chicken alfredo with linguini. I could soak in the tub without anyone knocking on the door to tell me that they had to potty RIGHT NOW! I could go to a late movie and not worry that my teenagers were up to no good while I was out.

This is the same thing. It's not that I'm doing one thing I'm not supposed to be doing during office hours. It's just that I get to be in charge of myself for a little while and I love it!

Really, if I could work from home I think I'd jump at the chance.

About 11 pm last night, I heard sleet hitting the bedroom window. The cat hopped up on the bed, strolled up the comforter to stand on my belly (gee, thanks cat!) and give me a long meow to be sure I was paying attention to the sound.

This morning, everything outdoors was basically coated in a layer of ice here in Santa Fe. My car door didn't want to open when I went to leave for work. The streets were slick, so I just took my time getting across town - I figure better late than never! The interstate highways are closed in parts of New Mexico because of the icy snow pack on the roads.

And we only have the southern/western TIP of this storm!

My parents, in Wichita, Kansas, were without power for a few hours yesterday when the storm hit there. They lit the fireplace and figured out things they could heat over the fire for supper. They have a generator, but can't run that much of the household off of it so they try to conserve it as much as possible. They sat most of the afternoon/evening and listened to oak and cottonwood limbs hit the roof and slide off . They're really hoping that there won't be serious damage, won't know until they can inspect it.

Dad was supposed to fly back to Baltimore yesterday. Wichita airport was closed by the storm. He's hoping to fly out sometime today.

What a mess!

Stay warm, dry and safe my Sisters!

Hubby went to Albuquerque yesterday to shuttle the band guys around for a few hours. They went to a couple of music stores in the big A, then headed up to Santa Fe for some sight-seeing.

In our historic Plaza area, there is a place called the Loretto Chapel. Inside is a museum, and of course, a chapel. There is a spiral staircase in the chapel that was built with no nails, no glue, and of wood that is not native to the area. As a Baptist, I tend to be a bit of a skeptic, so please don't take offense that I say the "legend" about this staircase is that the carpenter who built it was Joseph. The guys in the band are Catholic, this was a very moving experience for them. To say they were awestruck would be an understatement.

Then they went into the gift shop and discovered a little souvenier machine that lets you press a penny into a "medal" that has a representation of the staircase on it. I guess Canadians aren't accustomed to some of the silly kitschy things we Americans take for granted. They all had to take turns making "penny medals" as souveniers to take home to family.

Just about the time I was ready to leave work, they were leaving downtown. We all met up at the house, and the dinner preparations began. They were impressed with our vaulted wooden living room ceiling with the big viga beams. Hubby's steer horns on the wall were also a moment for giggling. Then the keyboard player spotted the pump organ that Hubby gave me as a birthday present a few years ago. He nearly drooled when I told him he was welcome to give it a spin.

The guys vacuumed up their cornish hen, salad, rice, steamed broccoli and croissants. Yes, I know that is heavy on carbs, but these are hungry musicians - had to fill them up!

By the time I rolled out apple pie and coffee, they were all just carrying on about how nice it was to not eat in a restaurant, to be invited to our house, for Hubby to have shuttled them around to see the sights, etc. They carried on about how nice it was that I came home from work and put on such a nice meal for them. I answered,"Hey, it is my job to spoil this man silly. If that means his friends have to eat a bit of home cooking once in a while, well, you can just suck it up and take it like a man!" They laughed, and then asked if I had any sisters, or how old are my daughters.

We drove them back to the hotel in Albuquerque, and there were many hugs and handshakes and thank-you's all around. I dare say the other three guys are impressed at how good a friend Hubby is to the bass player - they've been buds for over 20 years.

It was a bit of effort, but definitely worth it!

..the one for sisters experiencing "Sexual Dysfunction". In other words, those who have lost libido. Okay, I can see that as a valid point of discussion.

But what about those of us that went the other way? I can't possibly be the only one who is more interested now that I'm not spending so much time focused on pain/mess/etc., and having a difficult time because DH won't or can't keep up with my level of interest.

Or am I just a freak?

We started our Friday out sort of slow and easy, getting the last details looked after before we headed to Albuquerque for our overnight excursion.

When we got to town, we went to a couple of jewelry supply stores that we had heard about. Hubby has a large silver ring that he wanted to change the stone in. Jewelers here in Santa Fe had told us they would charge $50-100 to change the stone. We went to the supply houses in Albuquerque, between the two stores we bought 4 cabochons that fit his ring for a total of $10 and he changed the stone himself. Now, if anything happens to the stone that he chose, like bumping against something at work, he already had 3 other stones that he would equally like to put in its place.

While we were there, I was looking at how inexpensive a lot of the supplies are, and started to wonder if I wouldn't like to do jewelry making as a hobby. Hmmm.. might be able to turn a bit of a profit on eBay if I'm careful. I'll have to scope out the market a bit more before I jump in. As a graphic designer, and as a crafter, I think I'd have a good eye for the work.

Then, we were off to the hotel to check in. We managed to get a room that adjoined Hubby's buddy. So, once we were inside, Hubby opened the door on our side, grabbed a bottle of tequila and knocked on the other door. His pal opened the door, and Hubby lisped the best he could "Hey Sssssssailor, new in town?" It was hilarious!

After a couple of hours of visiting between the rooms we closed the doors so everyone could go about getting dressed. The guys had a catered dinner back stage to go to before the show. We met up with the other 4 people that were going to the show with us - on the comp tickets that the buddy got for us. The 6 of us had dinner at the casino's buffet (Yay for seafood night!) and a glass of champagne was included. Then we were into the theater in the casino to find our seats and settle in.

What an awesome show! It was hard to believe that these performers only had one day of rehearsals before performance. The Jerry Lee Lewis impersonator basically stole the show. He's a 19 year old kid that has a gig in Las Vegas - I can only guess how proud his momma is that she made him take piano lessons! Either that or she's complaining "I envisioned Carnegie Hall, not Liberace Theater!" Elvis was okay but I'm sure I've seen better. We already knew the Roy Orbison and Buddy Holly impersonators from a previous concert that we saw in Kansas. They did a good job - but I like their extended show they did before better - more time to get into it rather than just hit the highlights. The Ritchie Valens did a very nice job of keeping the audience involved in what was going on.

We screamed/sang ourselves hoarse, we had such a good time!

People were calling the DJ this morning on the oldies station asking where to buy the DVD from Friday, or where in Las Vegas they could go see this group again. Well, I dunno about the DVD, but I know that half of that group are headed back to Canada. So, the casino may have to contact the promoter about bringing the group back together in Albuquerque again.

We do know that the band is working on a deal to come back to the casino in March for an Elvis contest (maybe they will find one that gets a little closer to the mark?) called "The Parade of Kings". Hubby is excited that his buddy might be back again so soon. He's also thrilled that he tipped his buddy off to having the promoter check out New Mexico casinos as a market for them.

Tonight that band will be at our house for grilled Cornish Game Hens for dinner, for a couple of hours of relaxing. Then they get on a plane in the morning. I'm so glad that Hubby had such a good time, and got to see his friend for a while. I'm not sure I've seen him so happy in a while.

Posting this now for my own records, because I am pretty sure I'll run short of time to do any posting until after the weekend is mostly done.

Hubby's best bud and his band, "The Casino Brothers" are flying in tonight from Toronto. They are bringing with them a Roy Orbison impersonator, a Buddy Holly and an Elvis. Joining them here at the casino outside Albuquerque will be some back-up singers from Las Vegas, and a local Ritchie Valens impersonator, and a Jerry Lee Lewis.

We're going to be watching them perform New Year's Eve. We'll stay in Albuquerque overnight so that we're not driving an hour on highways with the drunks. Then we'll get up Saturday, have breakfast with those guys and hang around for a couple of hours.

Monday, Hubby will be off work and go hang out with the guys for most of the day. Monday night, the Casino Brothers will be coming to our house for dinner.

Then they'll fly out on Tuesday to their next date, I forget where but it's somewhere in the midwest.

I'm glad for Hubby to get a chance to visit with his good buddy. They talk on the phone, but it's not the same. He was halfway apologizing about getting Monday off to go hang with the guys when I cut him off and said,"Look, he's your friend of 20+ years. Not that I don't like him, but he's not MY best friend. You need some time to do stuff with him without me being there in the middle of it. Go. Have some fun with your friend." He was blown away by my saying that.

Meanwhile, in anticipation of inviting the guys back to our hotel room after the NYE show, I've been concocting things that can travel well and be laid out as a late night buffet when we get back to the hotel. I'll make a cheese ball tonight, and put together ham pinwheels tomorrow night. I've already made an assortment of sweets (Christmas baking, revisited!) and I have paper products, etc., to make it a "party" once we get there.

Hubby was watching my preparations last night and said "Thank you for making such a fuss for my friends." Well, it's not like I'd go to so much trouble if he lived down the block. Okay, I might once in a while. But this is not an everyday occurance. I can do my part to pitch in.

So, Thursday morning comes and it is time to head home. 12 hour drive from western Nebraska through Denver and home to Santa Fe.

We figure to start with that on the way home we're going to take the toll road by-pass around Denver to save ourselves close to an hour of going through downtown. It's worth $6.75 to us to avoid the construction hassles of slow downs and stand stills.

We're driving along through snow flurries, a bit disappointed that they're occuring on Thursday because when we left the only weather predicted was for Wednesday - we thought we were safe from obstacles or we wouldn't have gone.

A lot of the trip to Denver is only the right lane cleared and the left lane is snowpacked and icy. Also, getting on and off at exits is tricky because they're not cleared, either. Around Denver the roads were mostly wet but clear enough for traffic in both lanes.

By the time we hit Colorado Springs, we're back down to one lane clear and one lane patchy. The extreme cold is also causing some slow downs for us, because we're stopping for coffee and trying to determine why there is a cool breeze coming from my glove box.

By the time we get to Trinidad, Colorado, there is wispy fog blowing across the road. This makes visibility less than 1/4 mile, and the sun is about to sink out of sight in the West. We stop to ask about road conditions.

Yes, we're told we "can" get through the pass at Raton. But, the news is qualified with the information that the road is snowpacked and icy all the way to Albuquerque. We're concerned that we can't get all the way to Santa Fe, almost 200 miles away from Trinidad. There's only one place along the way to stop once we're through the pass. If we get stuck anywhere else, we're going to have to sleep in the car - not the best option for people over 5'5".

So, we sit tight in Trinidad. We go to a Mom and Pop BBQ place for dinner. Morning comes and we go to a local bakery cafe for breakfast. Then we're on the road. In town it's dicey at best, the roads were graded, but not scraped far enough to be called clear.

Once we're on the highway, the landscape was well covered in snow. But the roads were much better and there was no fog obliterating our view. We could see the antelope and elk off in the fields. We made it home mid-day with no incident. We figure better late than never.

We did see one wreck that was still being cleared. A pickup truck had slid off an exit ramp and was on its side, pointing the wrong direction, with Christmas packages strewn all over the side of the road. Police and tow truck were on the scene - we can only guess that the ambulance had already come and gone.

So, Hubby and I thought we were SO smart. We saw automatic jar openers on TV and said,"Ah ha! This is perfect for Mom and Dad!"

Oh yeah. Perfect.

So, we arrived in Nebraska with the lovely wrapped package (8-sided box, just ain't that easy to wrap!) and were quite proud of ourselves. As we're about to hand the gift to my parents, Mom tells this story:

Seems that my parents and my aunt both sent my step-grandmother on my dad's side Christmas gifts that looked amazingly similar. A cousin of mine that lives in the Kansas City area was visiting her and saw the similar pkgs under her tree. "O", my step-grandma, says "Yes, I noticed that they looked alike. I wonder what is up with that." Cousin, "B", says "Well, if Mom and Aunt Jo sent you the same thing, then you must really need it!" Mom then says "So, O has two jar openers under her tree. Wonder what she'll do with the second one?"

Mom and Dad laugh. Hubby and I look at each other sheepishly. We hand Mom the bag with the package in it. She takes it out of the bag and turns about 3 shades of red. I ask "So, did you buy one for yourself?" Well, yes they did. However, they currently have an apartment in Baltimore and their house in Wichita. I say "Well, now you can have one in Maryland and one in Kansas!"

We all laugh, and all is well.

Then my youngest brother shows up and throws a fit. "Dammit, Natalie! We have GOT to start checking with each other! I was going to the mall this afternoon to get one of these for them! Wichita is OUT of them!"

We laugh again- he hadn't heard the whole story about O and the fact that our parents already had one.

So, many great minds with a single thought!

Mom always told me she never gives a gift that she wouldn't want to own!

So, it's Wednesday morning. Funeral Day. Hubby and I awake to the sound of someone upstairs of us in the hotel being rather thunderfooted. It's HOURS before we need to be getting ready, but there's no going back to sleep between the footsteps above us, and the sounds of toilets and showers doing their thing at 5 am. All we can figure is that people want to be ready to just eat the continental breakfast and then hit the road.

So, we set about our morning routine, taking turns showering and getting dressed. Yep, Hubby even went down to the lobby and brought back continental breakfast, coffee and the paper for us. He spoils me so.

When the appointed hour for us to head to the church came, we started to assemble with the other members of the family in the hallway of the hotel. My mom turns to my niece and says "It's below freezing out there. Where is your coat?" Well, she had left it in Wichita. And she's wearing a dress that is gathered in the back by about a dozen or more safety pins. Oh good grief, kid, give us all a break.

Fortunately, my sister-in-law had an extra coat with her, and she had her daughter, my niece, wear it. My mom declared that this child must think with her thumb. Then Mom handed out hand warmer packets to all of us and we hustled into our cars and headed out.

It was a nice service, officiated by two ministers. One was the minster of the church there in that small town. The second minister was one of my grandparents' "Timothy"s. In other words, one of the many, many men who were led to the ministry by my grandfather's service as a preacher. After a very frosty trip to the cemetary, all in attendance were brought back to the church for a luncheon and some visiting. It's sad, but it's one of the few times that all we cousins gather anymore is funerals.

When we got back to the hotel, my youngest brother just couldn't take it anymore. He said something to our niece, "J", about the way she was presenting herself. Now, this brother is a biker, and works on the railroad. He has tattoos. He has earrings. But, as he pointed out to J, he cleaned up, put that stuff aside and got into a suit and tie for the decorum of the day.

J was offended by his comments and went back to her room, crying. Her dad, the middle kid in our family, headed down the hall to find out what had brought on this cloudburst. The minute he found out, he headed back to his room, packed up his family and off they went, back to Wichita. They were supposed to stay the night and head back in the morning. He didn't talk it out with anyone, he just turned on his heel and left without discussing the situation or why anyone else in the family might have felt that the girl could have put her goth/vampire hobby aside for a few hours to attend a funeral in the Baptist church.

Now, I'm not the most hip person I know. There are a lot of "signals" out there in the big wide world that mean something to teens or gang members or whatever that I haven't a clue about. But I do know that the dozen or so plastic bracelets in assorted colors around that girl's wrist mean something to other teenagers. Generally, they have to do with sexual experience. But, among the goth's, maybe it means more than I know about. And the websites this child was surfing ALL NIGHT between the viewing and the funeral were quite disturbing. These web addresses were in the location bar, which means she typed them in - not clicked them from a search engine. She knows these sites by heart. She's 14, for pete's sake. I really think my brother and his wife need a wake-up call to realize what they're letting their precious little girl get into. They simply have no idea. And they simply have no interest in having the truth told to them by family members who care.

I worry about my niece and the road she's on.

We arrived in Nebraska on Tuesday night within the last hour of the family viewing time. Just long enough to check in with the family, say a few pleasant hello's around, and get an eyeful of my niece.

She's 14. She was born blonde, fair skinned. She's dyed her hair black, with black nail polish and was wearing a Metallica T-shirt at the funeral home. Hoo-boy. I just kept my mouth shut - could have been that they had done as us, drove in and went straight to the funeral home with no time to look after the kid's appearance.

Mom was very pleased to see that all three of her children made it to the viewing. Most of my other cousins, who live within a couple hours of the town, weren't there. However, they all have tiny kids (under 5) so it's totally understandable that they might have a tough time making it that night.

So, after viewing time we headed to the hotel to check in and have a bite to eat. Then a nice dip in the hot tub to get the road kinks out of our backs and legs and off to dream land.

Hubby got the time off, we're leaving in the wee hours of the morning. We'll make our 12 hour drive and try to be in Holdrege in time for the family viewing. Dad called today to ask Hubby to be a pall bearer with "the other grandsons". I think it kind of "touched" him to be so included in the family. He just can't get over how my parents have opened their arms and embraced him right into the fold.

I asked a gal from work to come by to check on the cat. She said "Of course!" . That means I don't have to stick him in a kennel for 3 days which is a good thing. He may be a little lonely here by himself, but he won't get all miserable on us when we get back for making him go spend time with other animals.

Had a call from my DD, on her first airline flight all by her big self. She changed planes in Dallas just fine on her own thank you very much, but her luggage evidently got lost and won't be in St. Louis until the next flight from Dallas. Well, not my problem. I got her where she needed to be in Albuquerque in plenty of time for her luggage to be on the flight with her. Her Dad can help her figure out what to wear in the meantime until her clothes show up.

I had been thinking about making Raisin Spice Bars to add to my holiday stash today. I had about a half cannister of pretty dried out raisins in the cupboard. Nice thing about these bars is, the first step is to boil the raisins in water so they "plump" and then you use the "juice" that is left from the boiling as the liquid in the cake-like batter. I think the original recipe called for Dates, but I don't like them and I made this substitution about 30 years ago. They became my Dad's favorite "cookie" because so many other recipes have chocolate, peanuts or eggs in them which are all ingredients he's allergic to.

Just as I was headed into the kitchen to start trying to chisel the raisins out of the can, Mom called. Grandma passed away this morning. The funeral will be Wednesday, in Nebraska. Services will be at the Baptist church where Grandpa preached for nearly 20 years, and Grandma was everything from the church organist to the director of Bible School to the kitchen co-ordinator at one time or another in their life there. I'm sure there will be friends of the family from far and wide, along with the majority of the church body and our far flung family in attendance.

Since the weather forecast is fairly clear between Santa Fe, Denver and western Nebraska these next few days, we're trying to see if Hubby can make arrangements to be off work so we can go. The wrench in it is that he is supposed to stand in for a department head who has no one else to call on so that she can go on vacation during her son's school break. One possibility is that if they can rearrange the schedules of others on the desk, he could work Christmas Eve for someone that filled in one of the days we'd be gone. We'll see what his manager can do by the end of the day today so we can decide if we're going or not.

My job will be able to survive without me for a couple of days this next week. The sales reps have either got the art work they need from me, or they can wait til after Christmas to get it - it's no big loss for them one way or the other. Most of them will be leaving at some point this week anyway. So, once we know about Hubby's work situation for those couple of days, we'll know whether I need to call my boss about the time off or not.

So, now that I've made these raisin cake bars with their ground cloves smelling up my house so wonderfully, I'll be able to take a package of them to Dad in person. I just won't tell him I was going to bake them, anyway.

This morning started with our usual coffee and newspaper in bed. Hubby had to head off to work for 10am, and I selfishly stayed in bed for another 30 minutes just lounging.

He had asked what I was going to do today as he was leaving and I smiled and said "Well, first I'm going to goof off. Then I'm going to see about some of the holiday treat making (can't call them all cookies) that I want to do. Then I'll make a list of what needs to be bought to round out our early Christmas dinner tomorrow (daughter heading to her dad for a week on Monday). If I get a few minutes that I don't need my feet up or a nap, I'll clean our bathroom and run a couple loads of laundry."

He said, "Wow - sounds like a full day!"

Well, yes, it is. On top of what I chose to tell him, I'll probably accomplish a little bit of holiday decorating, some clandestine shopping of gifts, clean and gas my car, chase down the cat and give him a brushing, and of course take a minute here and there to do some journaling.

So, he's been gone about 90 minutes. I'm dressed, breakfasted, and have a tube of church window cookies in the fridge chilling. I've got the sheets from the bed washing, almost ready for the dryer.

He'll think the "cookies" are awesome. They're really simple, though. If you can make krispie treats, you can make these tidbits.

Just melt a package of chocolate bark coating, pour it over a bag of colord marshmallows. Try not to stir too much or the marshmallows lose their shape and start becoming sauce. Pour the coated mallows onto wax paper, and turn it into a tightly waxpaper-wrapped rope about the thickness you can circle your fingers and thumb around. Into the fridge to thouroughly chill. Then slice fairly thin - 1/4 inch approximately. When done, the chocolate looks like the leading between stained glass, and the mallows give you the multi-colored look.

They're really going to be pretty on an assorted plate to give as a gift to the neighbors, take to work, or just have around the house for when guests drop by.

So, break time is over, and I'm off to investigate ingredients for the side dishes to go with the turkey I'm preparing tomorrow.

Last night, as we were about to turn out the lights, Hubby and I were talking. We're inches from each other. I was animated and somewhat excited about what I was saying to him - a funny something - and suddenly he puts up his hand and says "I'm right here - you don't have to yell!"

Okay, I didn't realize I was being THAT loud.

Then he points out that I've gotten very loud over the last couple of weeks, and he's worried that I can't hear, perhaps I should have my hearing tested.

Well... hmmm.... I know that I get loud when I feel that I have something worth saying and the person I'm trying to say it to doesn't appear to be listening. You know, the eyes glaze over, the person just consistently says "uh-huh" whether it is appropriate to break in/over what you're saying at the moment, and all they're really doing is waiting for your mouth to stop moving so they can talk about something that is in their head, often unrelated to the point you just tried to make. Teenagers do it to their parents all the time. Basically, I find that my co-workers and even my husband look that way a lot when I'm speaking. I think I'm contributing to the conversation, but their minds are somewhere else entirely. Sometimes I just keep repeating myself until I get some sort of acknowledgement in response.

For instance, one evening this week, I was trying to make a point about something to my Hubby. The TV is on. In the middle of my speaking he's cracking up. He's laughing at the punch line of a commercial that he has seen probably a dozen times before. I stopped mid sentence and walked away in silence. A minute or two passes. He comes into the kitchen and says "So, what was it you wanted me to do?" Nothing. I was trying to tell him about my day - actually about how frustrating it is that my boss isn't in town to deal with some issues that I need his help in handling.

Am I going deaf? No, I don't think so. I think I'm feeling like the entire universe is more interesting than anything I have to say to anyone. If I could just get my ego removed, so I didn't care that no one wants to hear me, then maybe I could stop shouting.

One of my co-workers, a sales rep, came into the office today with a package all tied up in ribbons. I had told her the story of my mother gluing the gifts she sent, and we had a good laugh over her wrapping technique.

She told me to go ahead and open the package - she evidently had bought this some weeks ago for me and was surprised at herself for being able to wait this long to give it to me.

This woman knows that I love leopard print things - it all started as a joke between a girlfriend and me about 7 years ago, and blossomed into a collection. We use to make a point of buying leopard print things to give to each other. Actually we would buy 2 of whatever, one for ourself and one for the other.

I have leopard print fuzzy dice hanging from my computer monitor at work. I have a leopard print toy car on my desk for when I need to sit and fidget. I have leopard print slippers (2 different kinds!) and gloves and shoes, most of my undies are leopard spotted and I have a couple of different outfits that are either leopard spot all over or at least leopard trimmed. I have all the sizes of leopard beanie baby from the teeny McDonald's version up to the one that is almost pillow sized. I have dolls in leopard print trimmed outfits. I have fuzzy, slinky-bodied leopard cats, one that is as big in diameter as a Coca-cola can and the other is meant as a keychain. You get the idea.

So I opened it.

Leopard print flannel jammies - and some of the spots glow in the dark!

Hilarious!

...I was working frantically to get the last "important stuff" done at my office, packing up my office work station to take home with me, and tidying up my desk.

Later that day, I smoked my last cigarette (YAY! ), went to the drug store to pick up the last of my "pre-op prep" items, got stuck by the lab for one more blood check and packed the last of my personal items to take with me to the hospital in just a few days.

I spent the weekend cooking/baking/cleaning. Not that my husband is helpless in the kitchen by any means, but I wanted to have a meatloaf and some other casseroles pre-made so that he could spend more time taking care of me, instead of trying to figure what/how to fix for dinner. Also, my Mom came for a few days that following week, so I wanted the house presentable for her visit.

Hard to believe the difference in my vitality, mind set and general focus since then!

Package arrived from my parents, for Christmas. Mom sent it via UPS before she left Baltimore for Nebraska.

Now, this woman is just plain silly...she HOT GLUED the packages!!! Why would she do that? Well, because her daughter, namely ME, used to peel the tape when I was a little kid. She did it as a joke, and just waited for me to notice and mention it to her!

Sometimes, on Wednesday afternoons, I find myself in a mid-week doldrum. I have to go looking for a little inspiration to keep the artist creativity flowing for the rest of the work week.

Today I was sorting through some things and came upon a quote that I think I'll be pondering for a while. It's supposed to be about creativity, but in a way it's about faith, too.

"It's like driving your car at night. You can never see further than your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way." --E.L. Doctorow

The comment was made to my earlier entry that the coffee in bed pampering really is PAMPERING. Oh yeah, I'll totally agree with that one!

It started as a Sunday Morning thing... coffee (Tim Horton's sent to us from Canada - my Northern sisters will understand how that's special), the funnies and a leisurely start to that weekend day. It was luxurious. Sometimes I'd pick up pastries or make a breakfast casserole the night before so we could have breakfast/brunch while lounging around in bed.

When I was in the depths of my anemic lack of energy, that's when Hubby started bringing me the coffee every morning to go with the morning paper. It afforded me that extra 1/2 hour to get coherent before shuffling down the hall to get my day going.

Now, on weekends, especially if he's working (good ol' retail!), I try to slip out of bed before his alarm goes and get a cooked breakfast happening for him. His absolute favorite is sunny side up eggs, biscuits and bacon, but he won't turn down waffles or pancakes. Also, we still make Tim Horton's on Sundays and Holidays.

In my first marriage, doing something "nice" for my husband basically got me not so much as a "thank you". The second time around sure is different. Hubby not only makes a POINT of saying Thank-you, he looks for ways to put it into action. Thus, the morning coffee, scraping the frost off my car, and a hundred other "little" things he doesn't think twice about taking care of/doing for me.

So, simple things like making his favorite supper (meatloaf) or buying chocolate milk once in a while (I'm lactose intolerant, so it really is "for him" ) or surprising him with his lunch being all ready when he comes home on his weekend breaks, really are becoming "habit" after 3 1/2 years married.

Not that either of us will ever take the other for granted.

We've seen the "dark side" - we were each married to it before!

I'm about to hyperventillate.

I clicked the link at the bottom of a HysterSisters page that leads to MinniePauz!

I saw a graphic there that asks "Are you HOT??" Oh of course I had to click it!

I'm going to be giggling about this all day - and how am I going to explain it to people without showing them where I surfed on my break time???

Being creatures of habit, Hubby and I were enjoying our morning coffee in bed, reading the paper and letting the Today Show babble along on TV. It's a very cozy way to start the day. And I feel so pampered - he brings me the coffee most days, along with the paper and even my bowl of oatmeal for breakfast. Truly, if he didn't take the time to pop those instant oats in the microwave I think I would rebell and just have a PBJ for breakfast.

So, I'm turning pages and here's the "Celebrity" column. It's talking about the new movie, "Ocean's Twelve", and that there is some scene where they talk about Clooney's character's age/appearance of age. He says that this came from a real life encounter with a fan. He's actually 43, the fan thought he looked 50 or 51.

Hubby had already cruised through that section of the paper. I took a long swig on my cup of caffeine and then leaned over to him and said "Oh my gosh, we're older than George Clooney!" Without missing a beat, he says "Yeah, but we look younger!"

Hubby's 45, I'm 46. If someone thought I looked 55, I guess it would be good for a discount at McDonald's... ... but I'd be somewhat tweaked that I was offered the cheaper burger! I remember how crushed I was when the pimple-faced kid at the counter called me "Ma'am" the first time!

She's such a shy, reserved girl. Basically, there are times when I feel that if I'm not holding her hand she won't cross the street. This is not a particularly good thing when a girl is 19. She needs to be "out there" from time to time.

A couple weeks ago, just as her semester of college was concluding, she came home from school and told me she has a part-time seasonal job. She's working at a store in the mall (which is where she changes busses on her way to school), that will be open until January 15. It's the perfect between-semester job.

I'm thrilled that she's taken the initiative! I'm excited that she's going to have her own money to buy Christmas presents. I'm so pleased that she's taking this step. Finally her first job - now she won't be so hesitant to get a summer job!

YAY!!YAY!!

I called Mom tonight on her cell phone. She's in Nebraska right now, visiting Grandma during each day.

In the last 5 days, Gram has had about 30 ounces of fluids. Some of that has been broth, but mostly it's just water. No IV line, no feeding tube. Gram can't organize food in her mouth enough to take solids right now. She still hasn't opened her eyes. She grunts in reply to the nursing staff when they come in to turn her every 30 minutes. Mostly, Mom says, Gram has the appearance of being asleep continuously. She's not reaching out or trying to make contact.

She's wearing two patches that are blood pressure medication - but she's still running about 200/155 to 205/165. Yes, I realize those are incredible numbers. If she weren't wearing two patches, who knows what it would be. Her oxygen is still at 96, temp at 97.5. Her heart rate is at 58 - which amazes me that her BP could be that high but heart rate so very slow.

Mom's pretty sure that Gram won't last out the year. It's all still just wait and see.

Mom has her annual check-ups in Wichita due this month. She's calling her doctors and rescheduling until between Jan 1 and 15. Then she'll take the train back to Baltimore. She's really pretty sure that by the time she sees her docs in January, Gram will be gone. Mom's taking the time right now to say her goodbyes. She's been sitting by Gram's bed and holding her hand, telling her softly that it's "okay to go".

If I were single now, would I be as focused on the "Next Date" as much as Blanche from the Golden Girls??

Sure, we can see Peg, Blanche and Mrs. Roper (I can't for the life of me remember her character's first name) as humorous anachronisms.

But, if we stop to think about it, the reason humor is funny is because there is a spark of recognition...someone we know, someone we are, someone we fear being...that's what makes us laugh so uproariously, and then stop in shocked silence when someone near and dear says "What are you laughing about...that's YOU to a Tee!".

Okay, as long as I'm getting things off my chest... I just need to write this out to try to get it under control in my own mind. That's what journaling is all about, right? We write down our thoughts for the day, then we can let go, let them be "out there" as a concern of the Universe, and come back to them at another time with an "Ah Ha!" moment that helps us cope/understand/get past the whole schmozzle. At least, that's how I've treated paper journals in the past.

So, here goes.

I got to reflecting on this subject after taking the survey that is linked to the HysterSisters home page. It asked a lot of questions about sexuality and physical functioning, etc.

When I was a young wife/mother, I didn't have a lot of spare energy. I was busy trying to make a living/keep house/raise daughters/have a life as an adult. I really didn't put much thought/energy into my private moments with my husband during those years. Mostly I spent my time telling him how tired I was and how much I still had to get done around the house, what a lousy day I'd had, etc. I truly didn't know what I wanted / needed from my partner to make things better. I pretty much thought that if the life outside the bedroom door would improve, then somehow magically the things behind closed doors would be better, too.

Then, the turns of life's events moved my existence into being a single mother after almost 18 years of marriage. I had to start evaluating my choices on EVERYthing based on my own opinions and needs. That was very new to me. To decide what did I want for dinner instead of being ruled by a male opinion. To decorate the living room based on what was pleasing to me rather than what "he" would or wouldn't accept. It was very free-ing.

Also, my daughters were becoming teenagers and were physically able to help with some of the "duties" of life like being in charge of their own hygiene/laundry/cleaning their room/and meal preparation. That started leaving me a lot more energy and thought time to consider what in life made me happy and what didn't.

Ironically, about that same time was when the changes of life as a Fibroid Woman came along. They were very subtle changes that took several years. Some of these changes sort of creep up on us, I think. You have to look back and go "Whoa!" before you realize how much different life has been in the last couple of years compared to long ago.

So, as a Fibroid Woman, life became 25% consumed with the monthly mess. 10% went to the discomforts and emotionality that came before each cycle. 10% went to cleaning up the aftermath of the floods and accidents. During that 45% of my existence, I was not a particularly pleasant/sexy/happy person sometimes. I could be grouchy on a moment's notice, and turn around 5 minutes later and be in tears with an apology. I'm sure my family thought I was pretty much insane, and I had no idea that my energy draining away from me was anemia - so during the 55% of my remaining life on a month-to-month basis, I was mostly spinning my wheels trying desperately to catch up from everything I hadn't accomplished while I was nearly incapacitated from the monthly symptoms.

In the midst of life as a Fibroid Woman, I met this wonderful, compassionate, gentle Canadian man who loves me. I could never "earn" this awesome guy, I can only count him as a Blessing. Yes, there are things about him that irritate me from time to time - after all I'm human and so is he. I'm also quite sure there are things I do that make him shake his head, but he stays bemused for the most part instead of putting me down or making an angry issue out of my oddities. For the most part we are so busy enjoying each other's company/sense of humor/perspective on life that those little irritations are smaller than a mosquito.

He came into my life, left behind his beloved Canada to be with me, married me, accepted my daughters as if they were his own, cares about my parents, does his level best to be a good provider... truly he's awesome and I refuse to apologize to my Canadian sisters that I stole him from right under your noses!

He even put up with Fibroid Woman-ness, patiently, lovingly, understandingly, not complaining about the half of our lifetime that was slipping away without physical intimacy.

But now... without the Fibroid-osity, without the monthly aches, pains, mess, etc.... that we all don't miss... with more energy because of no anemia... with feeling better about myself because I am losing weight albeit MUCH slower than I wish I were... I have the libido at age 46 that should probably belong to a rabbit!

How is this a problem? Well... and here comes the Peg Bundy part... My Wonderful Hubby... he's not as interested as I am, evidently. I understand that he's 45, and there are physical reasons for him to slow down "some". But, I really feel that this diversity in our interest could cause some serious problems down the road if I don't figure out how to deal with it!

I used to, back in the days, laugh myself silly over how Peg would whine that she never got the physical affection that she wanted from Al. I used to, back in the days, think that was some of the dumbest writing I had ever seen on a TV sitcom. Mrs. Roper from Three's Company is another example of a peri-menopausal or menopausal woman who is constantly hounding her husband and he's just plain too tired/not interested/unaware of her as a sexual being.

My 19-yr-old daughter will be out of town for 7 days starting this coming Monday. I'm hoping that during that time I can be more frank with him in the evening hours - and perhaps be able to help him understand where I'm coming from on this issue. It's tough to discuss this stuff when the daughter could appear around the corner at inopportune moments. It's not always handy to say "Can we step down the hall to our room and talk for a while?" - that tends to put his defenses up, because in his previous marriage that meant there was a fight coming. I don't want to fight.

I just want to be able to explain how I feel - calmly, clearly, without any accusations.

I read my last entry over. I realize that it, and other entries I've made, could read as if I am not happy with my job. That's far from the truth.

I love being a Graphic Artist/Desktop Publisher. It's the best of all worlds for my particular talents, abilities, interests and sense of whimsy. I come from an artsy-craftsy family on my Mom's side. I have the computer interests/abilities from my Dad.

I love taking a few key words from a sales rep or the customers themselves and turning them into a visual display on paper that makes them say,"That's IT!".

From time to time, however, being a human, the details in life get me down. When the heating bill comes in at double what it was for this month last year, when there are still medical bills looming over my head to try to get paid off, when the cost of daily living expenses like food and gasoline keep skyrocketing out of control, well... you get the idea... sometimes there is just an awful lot of month left at the end of the money.

That gets to me after a while.

And then my co-workers who are paid on commission (the sales people for our phone book publishing company) start to cry the Blues because their BONUS for this year is only going to be X amount of dollars.... and that amount is equal to or greater than my salary, they just don't realize it... that gets to me. Yes, I realize that the commissions they are paid are directly proportionate to the effort they are putting in - if they want more money they can choose to work longer, harder, smarter.

If I work longer, harder, smarter, the extra few dollars I earn end up going to taxes and I simply get more done than the job requires with little or no acknowledgement that I've pulled off yet another miracle that saved someone's backside by making them look very good to the customer.

I suppose if I could just learn to be a slacker, I wouldn't get so frazzled over the whole situation. I don't know.

*sigh*

So, I head to work today thinking that my boss will be in town. This would be a good thing, because my anniversary with the company was last week. It's time for my annual review/evaluation/raise. Last year it didn't happen until February because he kept being called out of town.

I'm there for about 15 minutes when the phone rings. "I guess you've noticed by now that I'm not there today." Well, yes, I noticed. Turns out he was summoned to the home office in Kansas, and won't likely be in Santa Fe again until mid-January. Oh lovely. So, I'll get to wait an extra month to find out that my raise will be about 3% again this year? How excited am I about that?

To be honest, I'm NOT.

A - I believe that other people doing the graphics portion of my job are paid more as starting employees than I will be getting after this 50-cent-an-hour raise (seems to be the max that the company owner will allow).

B - People getting paid more to do graphics, aren't also doing reception/secretarial/office manager duty on top of it.

C - I feel that I was low-balled by my manager to get me out here in the first place when he knew from his own experience how expensive it is to live here.

I think that I may have to seriously consider leaving New Mexico if this boss doesn't come across with a serious boon to my monthly income this time. Whether I can go back to the home office in Kansas for a reasonable wage or not, I don't know. Whether I'd WANT to be back there (since I know it would mean my wages decrease significantly to go back there) is also a question.

But, I worry about my daughter and her marriage problems. I worry about my parents as they are aging and could use handyman-type pitching in from time to time from Hubby and me.

I really hate this - I love the high desert, the scenery, the cultural richness of Santa Fe. But I am simply not going to watch my family do without just because I'm not a good self-sales-person.

Blah.

Mom called while we were eating dinner. It's really hard for her to gauge the time difference and our schedules, so I just keep listening to her while I get a couple bites in here and there, trying not to chew in her ear so to speak. So, from Maryland (Eastern Time) to Santa Fe (Mountain Time) she's calling me about my grandmother in Nebraska (Central Time). It really is topsy-turvy to try to keep straight!

So, Grandma's not showing any improvement so far. This is Tuesday, she had the stroke on Saturday. Since Sunday morning, she has only taken 30cc. of water by mouth. I'm pretty sure that her advance directives request not to have a feeding tube. I don't know about IV fluids. She still can't speak intelligibly, and her left arm is just limp weight beside her on the bed. She still hasn't opened her eyes.

Mom's getting on the train from Baltimore tomorrow, to head for western Nebraska so she can be by Grandma's side. It will take her 36 hours to get there by train. (Mom won't fly...if her own life depended on it, Mom still wouldn't fly.)

So, we're "on watch", waiting to see if there will be a phone call in the next few days. If it comes, it will take 12 hours driving each way to go to the funeral. Luckily, my Hubby can have 3 days bereavement from work, so I wouldn't have to try to make the drive by myself. It will just depend on the weather - don't want to be in the middle of nowhere and have the roads be closed down due to snow or ice.

Thank you so much, to each of you who responded to my previous journal entry. I sincerely appreciate your thoughts and prayers and words of support.

This is one amazing group of women. I wish I could meet each of you one day and thank you personally for the many forms of support you have been to me over these past months.

I got a call from my Mom. My last remaining grandparent, my Grandma on Mom's side of the family, has had a light stroke. She can't move her left arm, and she is either refusing or is unable to open her eyes. She will squeeze my uncle's hand when he asks her questions, and she tries to grunt responses, but she is evidently not able to speak sensibly at this time.

Grandma is 87 years old. She has been, in her words, "Waiting on God to bring me home" for the last 3 years. Her quality of life has steadily declined due to Parkinson's and its many complications of mobility, Diabetes and its circulatory consequences, Osteoporosis and Hearing Loss. My family is at peace with the reality that she is ready to go, and doctors have already been instructed not to do anything heroic to keep her from going to Heaven.

She had a full life, a mostly happy life I believe. She had a very interesting and diverse life as a minister's wife for almost 60 years, until my grandfather passed away 11 years ago. She raised 3 children - my mother and my two uncles - with their diverse personalities and temperaments. She has 9 grandchildren, 8 greatgrandchildren and 1 great-great grandson.

Our family prefers to focus on the positive, joyous memories we have of time shared with those who have preceded us in passing. I will always remember how my grandmother taught me to love music by allowing me to noodle around on her antique pump organ. She taught me to enjoy art by letting me sit in her craft room in the basement and paint and glue and glitter to my heart's content anything that was in her scrap drawer. She taught me the love that goes into cooking by having me sit on a stool at the counter while she prepared pies, cookies, muffins and countless family holiday meals.

My prayer request is this, if you are so inclined: Please join me in prayer that my grandmother will have relief from pain - it's so hard to tell if she's hurting at this point when her body won't obey her wishes. If it is God's will that this is her time, I pray that she will go as peacefully and gently as her nature has been for the 40+ years that I have known her. And, lastly, I pray for our extended family that they will all be able to accept the comfort that comes from our family's faith-in-action, learned from this grandmother and her life's mate, and the comfort that comes from one another whether we are able to gather personally or only in spirit.

Thank you, my Divine Sisters, for your time in reading this entry, for your prayers in support of my family, and for your kindness.

Peace and Love be with each of you.

I carefully thought about my stand on not overdoing things this Christmas season. I presented my case to my Hubby - that I just didn't see the sense in setting the house aglow with 20 strands of lights (uh huh you think I'm kidding) and assorted other decorations all over the house, just to have the two of us be the only ones here to enjoy them. Besides, it is extraordinarily cold right now, with front after front whistling in from Arizona to chill the air - who wants to be on a ladder, etc., in a heavy coat?

So, here's the compromise we made. One of our local grocery stores sells the giant inflatable silly things for each season. They happen to have - get this - an 8 foot inflatable lighted, cactus which has the appearance of fake snow and stands in a fake pot. We will put this out on our front deck, turning it on in the evening when we arrive home from work and off at night when we go to bed.

It's just silly enough to appeal to that sense of whimsy that hovers over our house. And, if we ever don't live in New Mexico in the future, it will certainly be HILARIOUS in our yard.

If I knew where to borrow a Snoopy costume in the right size, I'd have one of us dress up in that, put on Hubby's straw hat and take a picture standing next to it like Snoopy's brother, Spike. It could be our Christmas card cover next year.

when there are holiday invitations to reciprocate, details to look after in decorating our home, planning and shopping to do, gifts to ship, etc., etc., etc.

You know, that time of year when we women really overwork our energy reserves.

Last year, I was so anemic that Christmas and New Year's were VERY low-key. Decorating was basically limited to 3 miniature trees on top of the entertainment center and a wreath on the front door. New Year's we tried to stay up and watch **** Clark, but I fell asleep on the couch by about 11 pm.

This year, I'm trying to keep things reasonable. I have 2 GIANT Rubbermaid tubs full of things that "can" be used for decorating. Miles of twinkle lights, a strand of chase lights, ornaments of different themes, holiday towels, on and on. However, Hubby and I will be home alone this year for Christmas day. My DD is flying off to St. Louis to spend a week with her dad. We don't have time to travel, because his job is in the retail industry. So, I want to keep the day simple but romantic. I have a half day off on Christmas Eve, so I'm thinking I'll pre-make some elements of brunch for us. That lets the day be simple, lazy and no-hassle.

New Year's Eve will be spent in Albuquerque. Hubby's friend of many years is coming down from Toronto with his band to do a show that night at one of the casinos here. We'll have dinner, go to the show, probably gamble a bit at the slots and/or blackjack table, and stay the night in a hotel there so that we don't have to drive the hour back from the casino late at night with the drunks on the road.

This friend, "P", isn't due to leave until January 4 for his next engagement. That gives Hubby some time to enjoy his company and catch up on old times, which will be great for them. If you ask my Hubby what he misses about Canada, the list goes like this:

1. P - they've known each other for about 20 years, seen each other thru thick and thin including some pretty bad relationships.

2. Tim Horton's donut shops (can't say the coffee itself because we get cans of it sent or brought to us fairly regularly. In fact, P is in charge of bringing us a big can at New Years!)

3. Back Bacon. Hubby just scoffs when he sees "Canadian Style Bacon" in the Oscar Mayer section here in the U.S.

4. Socialized medicine. U.S. Health insurance coverage/costs/intrusiveness really gets under his skin sometimes.

5. The Clorets mints that are not on the market in the States.

6. Laura Secord eggs at Easter.

What doesn't he miss? Lake Effect Snow, GST and PST.

The trip to Kansas went rather well. Younger DD and I got to Amarillo in good time, and checked into our hotel. After a scrumptious dinner at Cracker Barrel, we headed back to our room, took turns getting showers and drifted off to sleep. Early in the morning we rose, had the hot breakfast provided by the hotel - biscuits and gravy, scrambled eggs, mini muffins, etc. The on the road and rolling toward my older DD and grandson.

I discovered that I had not taken enough time to learn about my new cell phone before leaving on the trip. I didn't know the code to get my voice mail. And, since I was out there driving through so many "dead zones", I had a lot of missed calls/mesages that I found to be somewhat frustrating. But all worked out, I did eventually talk to the folks that were trying to contact me, namely Hubby and older DD.

We arrived at older DD's house about 7 pm on Turkey Day. After a quiet pizza dinner, grandson was finally convinced to take his amusing little behind to bed.

I won't go into the minute details of the next couple of days. There was a lot of sharing, a lot of information I didn't know before, tears and hugs. Older DD is in the process of moving herself and grandson away from her hubby. It's a sanity/safety/pre-divorce situation.

The drive home was accomplished all in one day. 12 hours is a long time behind the wheel of a stick-shift car. As we crossed Oklahoma and Texas, I'd guess we saw about 30 road victim deer. We were racing a storm home, trying to get to Santa Fe before the snow started. We got to about Santa Rosa before we saw our first flurries. That meant the last 100 miles went pretty slowly, there'd be 1/4 mile of whiteout conditions and then 1/2 mile of nothing. Very frustrating in the dark of night.

We finally made the turn northward at Clines Corner, NM. Still on-and-off flurries. About halfway to Santa Fe from that turn, younger DD says "Oh my! What's THAT?"

An animal ran from my headlights. It had been feeding on one last road victim deer in the middle of the road. At first glance I thought it was a coyote. Then, I realized it was much, much too big to be a coyote. It was a wolf. I had no idea we even HAVE wolves in New Mexico!

I knew we have coyotes, we can hear them in the warm weather mornings as the sun is rising. We have bears in the mountains - they seem to get into mischief in the spring when they wake up hungry from hibernation.

That was a pretty exciting moment! I'm just glad that he ran left when I swerved right.

In just a couple hours, I will be joining the mad rush on the highways and byways going "over the river and through the woods". Only, in my case, it's GRANDMA that's doing the travelling!

Younger daughter and I are hitting the road this afternoon, from Santa Fe. We'll stop for the night in Amarillo - already have hotel reservations. Then on Thursday morning we'll get up and head to Oklahoma City, turn North toward Wichita. We'll be gathering up my grandson and my older daughter from her in-laws gathering that afternoon and taking them with us to her house in Pittsburg, Kansas.

After the weekend, younger daughter and I will head back to Santa Fe on Sunday (12 hour drive!) and be back in our respective routines on Monday. Unless the weather gets goofy, in which case we will hold up somewhere and get back when its safe.

So, with a hiatus from journalling, I wanted to take a moment to wish a happy holiday to my sisters. Be safe if you're travelling. Be happy if you're visiting. And for goodness' sake -- don't worry about the calories, it's a holiday!

We have no idea what woke my Hubby at 4:30 am. He just woke up. So, he went to get a drink of water. It doesn't take but about 5 minutes of him being out of bed and my eyes pop open. So, I got up to find out where he was so early in the morning.

I found him. In the living room. Staring out the picture window. At snow.

I don't mean a little dusting like we usually get down here at the "lower elevations" (7000 feet!). I mean blizzard conditions - couldn't see past the fronts of the houses across the street from us. I mean the power lines and the evergreen trees were bending low from the weight of this heavy wet stuff.

And when Hubby went out later to shovel the driveway to my car, he bent the handle on the shovel, it was so heavy/wet!

Now, the funniest part of the snow today is the fact that the newspaper this morning, on the front page, says "Santa Fe Ski Basin to Postpone Opening Day Until Dec 10". They always try to open on Thanksgiving weekend, but haven't been able to the past 4 years. Hmmm.. wonder if tomorrow's headline will indicate a change in that decision??

The man who received the jar of goodies from me in our gift exchange on Friday night (this being Monday immediately following) came in the office this afternoon and told me that all that remains of the GALLON of homemade candies is about 12 oz of chocolate covered pretzels. He and his wife, and their sons age 10yrs, 8yrs and 5 months basically couldn't keep their hands out of the jar all weekend. They broke the cashews out of the brittle and let the BABY have the carmelized sugar!

Oh My Gosh! I can't imagine giving a baby - that doesn't have teeth yet - processed sugar of all things! I just shuddered when he told me that!

I thought my family were sugarholics...but I know better now!

"Where were you the day President Kennedy was shot?"

I was in Kindergarten in Newport News, Virginia. (See Moonchime? We're not that far apart in age!)

Our school principal came over the intercom and told us what had happened and that we were all dismissed for the day. We boarded our busses and headed home.

Isn't it interesting to think that in those days, of COURSE our Mom's were home awaiting us?

I got home, my Mom was watching the television and crying. That's really only the second time in my life that I can recall my mother in tears - the first time was when I was bitten by a dog and she fainted at first site of me with blood coming from my nose and forehead. She cried when she woke back up, because she was ashamed to have passed out when I needed help. Fortunately, Dad was home at that time and no harm done in her having a "moment".

The third time I ever saw my mother cry was just a few weeks after the Kennedy assassination - when my great grandmother passed away.

I remember feeling more about my mother crying than I truly did about the President. Being only 5 years old, I guess I wasn't that attached to him, but Mommy being upset was a pretty big deal to me.

I remember seeing the footage of John-John saluting as the coffin rolled by. When we attended my great grandmother's funeral those few months later, I saluted - because I thought that's what little kids were supposed to do at funerals! Mom was absolutely mortified - and couldn't figure out why I had done that, until many years later when several of us were talking about the Kennedy footage and the light dawned for her as to why I had put my hand to my forehead.

April 19, surgery...
1. May
2. June
3. July
4. August
5. September
6. October
7. November! Holy Smoke!

Last night was my office's Holiday Party. We had to do it kind of early because the boss travels so much, and so many of us will be taking off for different times throughout the coming month that it was impossible to find a date we could all be here for AND have a restaurant with an available space.

Besides, by celebrating so early, we sort of accomodate without stepping on anyone's celebration of Kwanzaa, Hannukah, Christmas or the start of Ski Season (which, trust me, in New Mexico is pretty much a religious experience for half our population!).

So, off we went last night to one of the nicer Italian restaurants in town, for a lovely dinner and drinks event in their upstairs banquet room. 20 of us, including assorted spouses or significant others, having some rather entertaining conversations.

We had our choice of 4 entrees, there was a lovely antipasto set up for us, there was much wine all around the table, and dinner ended with very decadent desserts. I personally had the tiramasu, DH wanted the chocolate torte but they ran out so he had lemon meringue pie instead.

Then it was time for our gift exchange - nothing outrageous, we all shopped in the $10-15 range. The gift I gave was a 1 gallon glass jar with a lift-off lid, filled with home made goodies: chocolate covered peanut butter balls, chocolate coated pretzels, "people chow", and cashew brittle. The recipient, who is pretty much a self-proclaimed marketing genius, swears that I could sell these jars of candies for $30 or more plus shipping on the internet. Well, not unless I want to gain about a gajillion pounds by sampling for quality control! But I'll take the compliment and rest assured that he and his wife appreciate the goodies, will likely share them with guests in their home over the coming month and I know from having been to their house that the jar will suit their classic clean line kitchen decor.

The gift I received was from a co-worker who is a member of "Quikstar". That's a lot like what I remember Amway to have been, and so as soon as I opened the envelope presented to me, I knew how the little catalog inside works. The giver had pre-paid a set amount for the catalog. I get to peruse the pages (Mostly exotic coffee, tea or chocolate packages) and pick something. Then I send in the certificate in the center of the book and they ship me the package at no cost to me.

What a way to "celebrate" a 7 month hysterversary!

Life is pretty darned good.

It's a little after 9:30 local time here in New Mexico. The election is close still. I don't know if I'll last late enough into the night to see the final results - but I'm going to try. I hope that all my sisters here who were eligible to vote, did so. Here's hoping the best man will win.

Most of all, I'll be glad for the infernal computer generated calls to stop! Sheesh! It's tough living in a "swing state" - you can't turn on the tv, open the newspaper, answer the phone or go out your own front door without being blasted with information about candidates! Friends back in Kansas say they haven't been approached at all - we have an average of 6 phone calls and 2 visits per day urging us to vote.

I do cherish the right to vote, please don't get me wrong. And I'm sure we've all learned from the 2000 election that EVERY vote counts. I just wish I could have been ticked off some magical list once I'd been canvassed and called a couple of times and left in peace after that.

As I told my daughter (a first time voter this year) the other day, "I won't tell you who to vote for or against. You have your own mind. What I will tell you is that if you DON'T vote, you have no right to complain about any of the decisions that are made." I believe that with all my heart.

Today is a more patriotic day in my mind than 4th of July.

My daughter is having a tough time in her marriage. It's very much echoing in my head - the similarities between what she's going through, and what I "lived" through for almost 18 years.

On the one hand, I'm very sad for her that she's having this time in her life. Yet, I'm seeing it as a truly bonding time for us - she's understanding a lot more about why I was the way I was when her dad and I were still married. I'm glad that she's having the sense to get things dealt with while she's still young, while my grandson is still young, and she has half a chance to have a happy life for herself and her son.

It's just so tough to see this happening and I'm 750 miles away and can't offer much help other than to listen sympathetically on the phone and email her the occasional funny to try to brighten her day. I don't know what more I could do if I were still in the same town, other than to give her a safe place to go when she needs to get away.

Right now, I'm planning to take a road trip back to Kansas to visit her over Thanksgiving, and try to give her some comfort. She keeps saying things to me on the phone like "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger". So, she's keeping a good attitude, but I know it's got to make her weary.

The legs arrived today for the artsy craftsy table. Hubby's not off work til 8 pm, so they may not be attached until he is up and around tomorrow (his day off). When that's all done, I'll take pix and write a web page about the booth seating and the table, and post a link here. I'm so excited!

Hubby called and talked to the insurance company. On Tuesday of next week I am to take the car to their pre-determined body shop for an estimate. Then the insurance company will schedule my car to be repaired, and I will have a rental car while the whole thing is taken care of.

Our agent says this won't affect our rate because it was vandalism, rather than a wreck. Well, whew that's a relief.

Okay, that is easy enough to cope with - I'll have wheels to get me back and forth to work, the work will be done and it will only cost us the deductible, which is not a TON of money. Meanwhile I have to figure out how to get the darned pumpkin guts off my car without scrubbing so hard I hurt the paint.

It's a week until Halloween. My car was parked on the street in front of my house last night. Today, I went outside to find that the car is covered in pumpkin innards. Evidently, someone had themselves a good time last night, driving up the street and lobbing pumpkins out the window at parked cars. My car is a Kia Rio Cinco - a little hatchback. On the drivers' side of that hatchback, there is a dent the size of a pumpkin. The hatch still works, but it sure is an ugly dent. Looks like we'll be giving the "good" news to our insurance agent this week. I called the police to make a report, it should be ready in about 3 days. Next, we have to figure out how much is this going to cost, and whether filing it with the insurance is worth the hike in premiums.

Blah.

6 months since surgery -

Energy level is pretty good. I'm accomplishing things that I start. And, I'm starting more things than I used to.

Mood is generally pretty good. There are days that I get a bit weepy or cranky. They could be previous PMS days, hard to say. But, they're not out of control in my estimation.

Physically, I still get a bit of itchy/soreness/odd sensation around the incision line on my belly some days. I notice that a good coating with body oil or lotion helps this feeling pretty much. There's still a bit of a "dead zone" about half an inch to an inch each side of my bikini line scar. Other than this, I don't have any particular physical issues. I'm more aware of what I should and shouldn't lift. I'm careful not to get caught up in a big crowd where I could be jostled/bumped/shoved off balance.

I'm six months smoke-free, and feeling pretty good about that.

No menopausal symptoms that I notice. Night sweats/hot flashes ended by the time I was a month post-op. They haven't returned. My skin isn't any oilier or drier than it was pre-op. Nails and hair still seem to be as healthy as pre-op, and growing at about the same rate.

Still working on my personal weight loss challenge. I'm sure that will help with blood pressure at some point down the road. So, I am still taking the blood pressure medication that I started about a year ago.

All-in-all, I'd say that my experience at the 6 month mark is positive.

Messy in the beginning, while it's running all over the place and drippy... then quite awesome once it stops running and bubbling. Our fun table top will have to cure for 72 hours (3 days of not eating at the table... oh well, we can deal with it), then it will be rock hard and ready to use. It already has a glass-like sheen across the surface, we're quite impressed with our handiwork.

There are a couple of flaws we can see, like the knot-hole in the wood that we didn't realize went all the way through the table. It became a drain hole, and there's a stalactite of plastic hanging from it right now. But, we've already determined that after Halloween (when my grandson is coming to visit), we'll want to do another layer of the plastic over the surface to get the few things that didn't quite lay flat enough to be thoroughly covered the first time around. So, we'll be sure to plug up the knot hole the second time around and the plastic will fill it in.

Meanwhile, we already know that people will walk into our house and do a double-take at the table. And we're pretty sure that no one will ever come to dinner and say "Oh, I have a table exactly like this at home!"

FirstH and I didn't work well together on any projects. Now that I read his account of our marriage years on his website, I see why that was. Long story short, the commitment in that marriage wasn't equal on both sides of the see-saw. Oh well, his loss - in my humble opinion.

This time around, Hubby and I have learned to laugh off the speed bumps in the road when we're travelling or working on a project together. We're able to learn from mistakes in a project without blaming each other, and think outloud together pretty well, too. A true blessing, I believe.

I'm finishing up my coffee and muffin as I get ready to gear up for our "Big Project" of the season.

Last year, Hubby and I build diner booth seating for our breakfast nook. Now our challenge is a table that goes with this eclectic style of ours. Hubby works at the big orange apron home improvement store, and has access to being "johnny-on-the-spot" when deliveries get damaged. A table came in, and the legs were damaged in shipping. Hubby recognized that it was an awesome wood table top with very little blemishing from shipment. So, he made his best deal with the manager and brought this big pig home.

I watch way too many home improvement/craft/decorating shows.
So, to give this table top a personalized touch, that goes with our cola memorabilia, juke box selector, parking meter, stop light, drive-in speakers and tavern lights... we are going to decoupage match book covers and post cards and a few photos to the top of this table. They're items from Hubby's travels across Canada and the northern U.S., and from our travels together. This will look a bit like a mosaic at first glance, but then be encased in plastic epoxy to give it a thick, glossy, durable finish.

Then, we're going to order a couple of pedestal legs, like you see on restaurant tables. Voila, unique, conversation-starting table.

Yep, we're weird. But, we've got style!

I am sitting here grinning at the moment, about how Northlights didn't know we got snow here. It reminds me of the first time I went to visit my now Hubby in Ontario over Christmas break. Many of my new friends there would point to the weather outside and ask if I'd ever seen snow before...thinking we didn't get snow in Kansas. I would just giggle and tell them the stories of being a kid on the way to Grandma's house, my parents' car being the last vehicle before they closed the roads due to whiteout conditions.

Here in Santa Fe, we actually have a ski mountain. Taos, which is about 90 minutes from here is also big with skiers. Albuquerque has a ski-able mountain, too... but some years their season is very short because it doesn't get that much snow. We are at the trailing end of the Rockies... easy to find passes between the big mountains for driving. But there are still some decent elevations. Santa Fe itself is at 7000+ feet, which has been a challenge for me to learn to bake all over again. Betty Crocker's boxes think that 3500+ is high altitude. Have I got news for her!

And, for the comment about the balloon fiesta - we watched it on tv here. There were a couple of days of rainouts, and a couple of mishaps, but for the most part we just enjoyed watching the dawn patrol liftoffs while we were getting ready to go do other things around town. I'm not too keen on big crowds even yet, at 6 months post-op, I still get a bit skittish about being bumped and jostled.

The leaves on the mountains here in Santa Fe turned golden about 2-3 weeks ago. Which means they're mostly on the ground now.

Yesterday, while I was in the drive-up lunch line, the rain on my windshield turned to snow for about 15 minutes, and then to sleet.

What a bone-chilling mess it was. Glad I had the forethought to put on a crock pot of stroganoff before I headed to work. Was great to have a hot, rib-sticking dinner waiting when we walked in the door at the end of the day.

Now, if I could just get the cleaning fairies to show up while I'm at work, I'd have it made (maid?)!

I now have a case number and a case worker's name. Today in the mail I receved an i.d. number for accessing the state website.

I'm trying to get a sense of how soon to call the case worker to find out what he's going to do next and how long that should take.

There really is a fine line between persistence and nagging, isn't there?

It's been difficult, confiding the information about the case to my Hubby without talking in front of my daughter. I am sure that if I let anything slip to her, that she'll tell it to her dad. Not out of mean spiritedness toward me, but just because she would be making conversation with him. Both daughters worshipped their dad when they were younger - older daughter tells me all the time now that I did too good a job of keeping the reasons for our troubles out of the girls' awareness. She says if she had known more at the time, she might be better equipped to deal with the difficulties in her own marriage now. I just don't think it was appropriate information for my children at the time. Now that she's an adult married woman, it's more reasonable for her to hear the whole truth, if she wants to know it.

The thing is, I just can't be dealing with all fronts at all times and stay focused. I feel like right now I would do well to let the back owed support thing percolate and do its own thing for a while, until I can get the work environment sorted out. After all, there are mandates for the case worker to look after, and nothing I say or don't say won't make much difference there, will it?

I had previously thought that my boss would be in town for a couple of weeks during October. I happened to bump into one of my co-worker sales reps today and heard that he is going to be here the month of November. I really don't think I can hang on for 30 days before talking to him about C's "pep talk" to me, or about her taking over certain issues that should really not be her concern. I am resisting the urge to dial my boss' cell phone over the weekend, to give myself a chance to be cool and calm before calling him.

I guess in the meantime I'll just keep "thinking out loud" by typing in this journal and trying to sort out my head.

So these difficulties I've had in communication - they've raised themselves at home some, too. But not to any disastrous point. I do know I've been pretty rough on my Hubby, but so far he's weathering the storm very well.

Being as he works at the big orange apron home improvement store, his days off are often not on weekends. Today was one of those days for him - he was out running errands and doing his own version of grocery shopping. He dropped by my office mid-morning with a dozen tea roses, verigated yellow to orange. A very sweet gesture, to say the least. A very supportive act, too. I truly appreciate his thoughtfulness. It somewhat reassures me that he isn't taking my emotional stuff personally, and for that I'm relieved.

Not long after he'd been in the office, a sales rep, "C", came in. (This is NOT the woman that I tangled with yesterday about the cake. ) C made a couple of joking remarks about the roses - what was Hubby up to that he felt guilty enough for flowers, etc. I could take that in stride, she knows my Hubby to a degree, but not all that well. So, I laughed those comments off. (WHEW!)

Then, the oddest thing happened. She asked me to accompany her down the hall to what would be our boss' office if he were in town. She closed the door and sat down in his chair, asked me to have a seat. Then she basically spent the next 20 minutes "counselling" me - if she were my boss I'd say the conversation would have been documented as a verbal warning of some nature She basically told me that she would be stepping into some of my realm and "taking care of" things for me, because she would love to do that. This means, for instance, that she's butting into some issues that are on the table for my boss and me to discuss when next he is in town.

I was so flabbergasted by her behavior I didn't know how to react. I elected to remain calm, at least on the outside. But after her little "talking to" that I received, I spent the rest of the day bewildered.

Was she acting on the request of my boss? I seriously doubt it, and I certainly hope not.

What do I do about this? I have no idea. I so far am waffling between calling my boss' cell phone over the weekend or calling the Human Resources director on Monday morning. There is a "Team Leader" that is here in town, but basically he's not well respected among the crew and he has difficulty with the tough stuff in the trenches. He's a great company cheerleader, but I haven't seen much from him in the way of supervisory activity in the 4 years I've known him, especially the 15 months since I moved to Santa Fe.

Most of all, I want to be sure that I am calm, cool and collected before I call anyone at all.

I don't want a fight. I frankly don't have the time/energy/patience for one.

I don't want to be "tattling". That's not my style. I'd rather work it out somehow directly, but I also don't want to have to go through this process one sales rep at a time - there are 9 of them and only 1 of me. Again, I just don't have the time/energy/patience to be dealing with this malarky.



BLAH!

What is WITH me these days? Sheesh!

From here inside of my own head, I see that each way I turn people just plain don't listen to me. I express a point in different ways at different times over a period of time, and when it comes down to the critical moment I'm treated as if I've just waited in ambush without telling a soul how I was thinking / feeling.

Example:
Our team hit $1million in sales this week. It's been hard fought, but we did it. I really do feel it's a "we" effort, because it's demanding about 60% more work out of me than I did last year, and this isn't even what is likely to be the busy part of the task.

I had said, as the "office gal" (graphic artist/receptionist) that when we hit that landmark I would bake a pineapple upside down cake to bring to the office for the next team meeting in celebration of that accomplishment. I have mentioned this cake to the team in different ways, at different times over the past 2 months while we worked our way to the goal. When I built the "thermometer" that we're using as a visual aid to show our progress to the big goals, I put a picture of a cake at the $1mil mark. I just don't know how I could have talked it up any more than I did without simply talking about nothing else.

The goal was made as of our "numbers" this morning. There are team meetings on Thurs night and Mon morning. This is Thursday. There was no way for me to bake a cake while I was at work today. But, to bake one over the weekend is just perfect. I expressed that outloud in the office this morning. The sales rep that was in the office at the time, said she would go buy a cake right away so they had it tonight.

I asked her why she wanted to steal my thunder. She said "oh, ya know.. we really need a reason to celebrate right away." I asked her please not to go out and short circuit my plans. She started asking my opinion on whether she should get a chocolate cake or a cream pie of some kind. I said "I don't know why you're asking me. My opinion and feelings don't seem to actually matter. I have work to do, and since you're going to short-circuit my well broadcast plans, I guess I'll be baking that cake for my family. They don't mind my cooking in the least." She waved it off and took out to tour the grocery stores and find "the perfect cake".

She showed back up, tardy for an appointment with a client who was meeting her at the office, with a Black Forest Cake in her hands that she had bought. Dumped it on my desk and requested that I put it in the fridge for her while she breezed out of the room to go do her sales pitch with the customer.

When the customer left, and it was just the two of us in the office again, she said "Thanks for looking after the cake for me, I didn't want it to melt." I muttered "You're lucky I didn't put it in the street and run over it with my car."

THAT she heard. Stopped in her tracks and wheeled round on her high heel, demanding to know what I meant by that. So, I put it on the line. She had really hurt my feelings - I was planning to make a homemade cake, but I wasn't about to try to compete with a bakery cake. And I wasn't about to listen to the dieting women whine all day Monday about how we're eating entirely too much cake around here after they were subjected to the sweets twice in 4 days. So, fine. Have a Black Forest Cake - though I don't know what that has to do with Hawaii. Please don't offer any of it to me at meeting time. And please explain to the other sales reps why there will be no pineapple cake at the meeting on Monday morning.

She told me that she thought I was KIDDING about not making a cake. She had NO idea that it would hurt my feelings, or that I was looking forward to baking this cake.

I told her that I consider home cooking/baking to be a gift, and this was a gift of support I was trying to share with my friends on the sales team. That I thought I was friends with the WHOLE team, but evidently not if someone can't look me in the eye and see tears when I'm pleading for them not to go racing off to buy a cake on the spur of the moment. I told her again that it truly hurt my heart that she so totally discounted my request and went hell bent for leather to get a cake.

She said she would just take the cake home then, she had no idea that it was THAT important to me.

What more could I have possibly said to give her the information in advance of her cake purchase? I simply do not know.

Do I feel like an idiot for throwing such a fit over something so silly? Well, in a way, yes. But in another way, no.

Yes, because it's just a stupid cake and oh well big deal if I baked it and left it at home instead of sharing it with the crew.

No, because I was so totally frustrated by the fact that when I make a point of telling people something, all they can hear is "CAW! CAW! CAW!" and my desires are totally ignored. I'm finding this to happen in so many different aspects of my life right now, that I just about can't stand to get out of bed in the mornings for fear of what I'm going to be hurt by next. I work really hard at meeting or exceeding other people's requests of me. I just wish SOMEONE would care to meet one of my requests from time to time, so I could know that someone in my life values me, cares how I feel, or whatever. I really thought I was a fairly giving, unassuming, low maintenance kind of person. The problem with being low maintenance, I guess, is that people get in the habit of NO maintenance, and then you're sunk.

It really is true what they say on the message boards here. Once you're out of your pajamas, the world expects you to get right back into the saddle of full steam ahead and what's for supper.

Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like? Is this depression? Is this some bizarre non-menopausal post-surgical reaction?

I have no idea. I don't even understand it enough to know where to look for answers.

What I do know is that I'm tired of crying, and that's just about all I've done for the past week. At least once a day, something comes up that hurts me so deeply that I'll spend the rest of the day wiping tears, boo-hooing and generally feeling miserable. Sometimes the cause is at home. Sometimes it's at work. Mostly it comes from people not listening to my verbal requests. I half-heartedly wonder if there's something screwy going on astrologically for me. Maybe I need to feng-shui my desk. Get my aura cleansed. I dunno but I'd try just about anything to get things set right again. A "Sanguine" ain't supposed to be so blue.

If I weren't such an extrovert by nature, I'd just plain stop talking. Obviously nobody would miss my input.

So... here's the deal: The project we're currently working as a team at work has a three-part sales goal. If we meet the first goal, there's a small cash bonus to be shared among our office. If we meet the second goal, we all get round trip expense paid trip to Maui! The third goal, which is going to be one long hard push, means the trip and an additional cash bonus to be shared.

ALL THE MORE MOTIVATION FOR ME TO GET OUT THERE AND TAKE THOSE DAILY WALKS! I want a new bathing suit before we hit the sand and surf!

P.S. As of this week, we are 1/3 of the way to the first goal. We have to put on the steam or we won't make it by Christmas!

I've learned to:

* Gauge my energy better - when I start to lose steam, it's time to take a break. I know that all those hours of overtime I did in the office in the year before surgery were actually counter-productive. Better for me to go home at the appointed hour, take my correct breaks, eat lunch, and come at it again with a fresh brain than for me to try to bull through and keep at something until its done.

* Pay attention to aches and pains - tense shoulders, lower back pain, bloated belly, etc. They're all a call from the body to change something - get up and move, or sit down and stop moving. Eat something (like a salad) or stop eating something (like those hershey kisses on my desk!). By not letting things keep building up until they become major discomfort, I'm taking better care of my general health.

* Stand up for myself - suffering in silence just allows continued abuse by co-workers that don't think about the fact that there are 8 other people perpetrating the same misuse upon me and my job duties. Now, when someone tries to bend the rules and get me to shuffle others' work out of the way to do them a favor, I say things like "Okay, but in an hour, when so-and-so comes in and wants the same favor, how will you feel about me putting YOUR project aside? How about I just do your project when it's next your turn and you work on planning further ahead so we don't have this problem in the future."

A week does not go by without someone in my office life commenting on the fact that I look so much healthier, stronger and confident. They also notice that I'm beginning to lose weight and get fit. I'm not seen so much as a marshmallow workhorse.

The toughest part is not to slide back into old habits, because they were how I used to cope with being overstressed. So far I've resisted the urge to take up smoking again. It's still a temptation, I must admit. Every now and then I think how great it would be to go stand outside and just have a 7 minute excuse to be away from my desk. That's when I grab the sneakers from the bottom desk drawer and take a walk. It really does take strength of will, though, not to walk to the convenience store for a pack of smokes or a big candy bar and a pop.

We must all endeavor to persevere, dear Sisters.

We've had a really unusual thing happening the last 12 hours. Here in Santa Fe, it's been raining. Steady, rhythmic, continuous rain.

Now, for the better part of the last two months, we've had our daily afternoon rains until a couple weeks ago. But those "Monsoon" rains don't do a lot for our water table. They generally give us little more than a trace of rain, and the air is so dry that a lot of the moisture never even reaches the ground.

This rain has no thunder, no lightning. It's not a "storm", it's just a nice long steady drink for all the plants getting ready to go into winter hibernation soon.

In fact, most of New Mexico is under a flash flood watch/warning for the greater part of today, because sandy ground doesn't soak up rain - it has to go somewhere. Our dry riverbeds are full of rushing water today, and we're all warned that if there's water going across a road - don't drive there. Everyone is on the alert for sink holes to open up in unexpected places.

The cause for all this hullabaloo in New Mexico? A Pacific Ocean hurricane that made landfall on the Baja Peninsula and has been rolling across the Southwest for the last 48 hours or so called Javier. I suppose Phoenix has already had its soak thanks to this system. If the jet stream has dipped low enough, it will pick up this moisture from the upper atmosphere and dump it out somewhere around Kansas City - right where they don't need it again.

Global Warming is an awesome thing, isn't it? They say it has a lot to do with the increase in hurricanes in both oceans.

Santa Fe's drinking water reservoir is at "full" for the first time in more than 5 years. The tourist areas are excited about the possibility that we'll have another wet snowy winter for the ski basins. The added bonus is that all that mountain snow is exactly what fills up our reservoirs in the spring. One would hope for the political impact of plenty of water causing water rights to be moot fights, with plenty for all to share and better conditions for the farmers in the southern part of our state.

Meanwhile, since it's wet and cold here today, and we obviously don't have the baseboard heating system fired up for this cold "snap"... looks like it's a great night for stew or turkey tetrazinni or chili for dinner, something to chase the chill from the bones for the evening.

We couldn't wait anymore to get the computer back into the house. Last night we took it apart and Hubby hauled it in the computer room. He was on the floor, I'm standing over him while we hand cable ends back and forth and stick arms into unnatural positions until we had it all sorted out and connected back together. A 30 minute test run to be sure everything was in working order and then we could get to sleep, satisfied that a good thing had been accomplished.

The reason it was in the garage was so all the sundry parts could be scattered across the workbench we have out there while the Hubster worked at getting everything to work together as a coherent piece again. It took two returns of motherboards and a return of video card before we got all the different brands to agree as one to function. As long as we were replacing, by some savvy shopping online, he found the parts to upgrade us very nicely and still stay within what the insurance company would pay for our fried PC. I was SO glad that the hard drive from the old machine wasn't affected when the lightning hit. There's lots of scanned photos in there, and digital photos from our camera - would have been tough to recreate.

Now, we have a DVD burner and a video-in on our sound card. That is going to allow us to take all those family movies on VHS tape and turn them into DVD's for my kids. I have MILES of marching band footage from both girls, and now I'm in the process of sorting through still photos from the before band years. We'll take advantage of our new capabilities and create some really charming discs for them, make copies for our own archives, and a copy for each set of grandparents. The older daughter's disc(s) will even include her wedding footage and first video of her son's arrival at the hospital.

So, to heck with all those years of thinking I would take a scrapbooking class and then somehow find the time to make books for each girl. The thought of all those little trimmings flying around my head while I sit at the breakfast nook and cut and paste was always a bit daunting anyway. Now I can scan pictures as I find ones that are really "telling" of each of my girls, save them to a folder on the computer and accumulate the things a bit at a time as I get these boxes I've hauled around for 10 years organized. Then, being a computer graphic artist as my livelihood will be come in really handy. I'll create some great looking titles and transitions to include (which is easier for me than cutting out little things to decoupage!). Yep, it's coming together in my mind's eye now - I'm excited.

So, Divine Sisters, I'll end this entry because it's Saturday and I need to get to sorting on those boxes of photos!

On a more positive note, my Divine Sisters, while I have been internet deprived (the new computer is built, and operational...but I am typing from the garage tonight. Tomorrow we will haul all the components back into the house from the work bench and assemble into our monster of a computer desk.) I did go to my surgeon for a 4 month and final check in. Basically, I'm free to do as I wish, just pay attention to my body's demands when I get near overdoing. Okay, I can do that. I've gotten really good at not lifting things, but finding someone younger, stronger and preferably male to do the heavy work.

Beyond that, the good Doctor said not to come see him again unless I had a problem he could treat for me.

So, to that I say a resounding

YIPPEE! YIPPEE!

Time to take LIFE by the horns and see where this ride goes!

What I'm trying to do, in the course of my continuing self-improvement, is keep the ball rolling on important issues instead of my old anemic habits of give it one stab and give up if I didn't get results easily. I just didn't have energy for a big fight before I got healed by surgery - that's a plain fact.

So, after years of being walked over by my ex, and being blown off about support, obviously (ya don't get to $16 grand overnight unless you're a rock star!), I am determined to get financial justice for my daughter. I've filled out the seemingly endless paperwork - a first accomplishment, it was daunting! I've dug up photos of him to supply them for process service purposes. I've dug out old tax returns so I had his social security # to give them.

Today, I called Child Support - they don't have a case number for me yet, a week after getting the paperwork. Seems it takes about 20 days to get a file going with them. I'll be calling them again in a week, just so they don't forget about my daughter's case. Once I have a case number, I can nag someone in specific until action is taken.

I know from my recent research that they'll have to get the case opened, then moved to Missouri for further handling. That's fine by me, Missouri and Kansas are both getting aggressive in their enforcement of child support. I believe that once I can get the case moved, I won't just have to wait for him to get a speeding ticket to be served a warrant. Here's a little something I read on the U.S. Marshals website last week, after I'd already mailed my packet - a pretty interesting read to those of you with interstate child support issues.

www.usdoj.gov/mashals/district/ks/news/chron/2004/091004.htm

Of course, the guy in the story had much more back support he was avoiding, but it still gives me hope that something WILL be done!

Funny, when I was in the relationship I had a tough time fighting for myself. But now, I am quite energized to the cause of defending my daughter's due.

I also had a small incident of email exchange with him about his web pages. He had posted some snide remarks about my parents that simply had not basis in fact. I politely asked him to remove them. He replied with a lot of hooplah about how he had writer friends that thought his pages were well written. Well, that's lovely - any fiction can be well written. I believe that the facts are important, too. He did ultimately take the sentences out that I was concerned about - and added a disclaimer that obviously his memories and mine are different, and that he has no idea why I divorced him.

HA! 18 years of marriage out the window, and he supposedly was an innocent bystander. Okay, if HIS public believes that, then they're as big of fools as he is, in my humble opinion. Oh well... he'll have plenty of time to reflect upon things once he lands his backside in the Federal penitentiary for non-payment of support, eh?

So, we're still dealing with trying to get the right parts shipped in to repair our lightning-zapped home PC. In the meantime, many things have happened.

To pick back up on the old thread of my ex-H's new romance with my ex-roommate, he's now posted a web page about the beginning of their "storybook romance". It seems that the two of them kept tabs on one another throughout the 18 years that he and I were married. Funny, she had been a very close friend of mine at one time (or so I thought) and she didn't keep up with me... and he never mentioned hearing any news about her over the years. But that's his story and he's posted it to the internet so you know it has to be true.

Further, he claims that he only took up with me because she was too timid or shy or something, and I "was more willing". BLAH.

I've also filled out and filed the paperwork now to post my daughter's claim for back child support. This is to the tune of approximately $16,000. By the way ladies, in an interstate case, $10,000 in arrears is a Federal offense - a felony if he's convicted.

Just wanted to let the big wide world out there know that our computer took a lightning hit/power surge the other night. Melted the power supply, the mother board, likely the video card and sound card - don't know about the chip yet. Hubby is working on some computers that he bought from a going-out-of-business music store for $50 each. They're in our garage, and he has one hooked to our cable modem so I'm in the garage typing this.

We had one of the best surge protectors on the market - every computer tech we knows is amazed that we had bought it at a yard sale. Problem was, the lightning didn't hit us directly, it was somewhere up the line and made too subtle of a surge for the protector to flip. So, things melded along the line.

Now the good part - we have Renter's Insurance. This covers the contents of our house even though we don't own it. So, a tree falls on the house and rain ruins our sofa, we're covered. A burglar breaks in and takes the tv and stereo, we're covered. Lightning kills our computer, we're covered.

So, Hubby is supposed to talk to the adjuster on Monday about exactly what was damaged and how. The amazing part is that none of our tv's, etc., were hit. However, they were off and we're suspecting this occurred during our sleep. Lots of times we leave the computer on overnight, we've been told countless times that turning off and restarting your machine will cause wear and tear on the power supply and shock your motherboard. Hmmm... wonder which is worse? Since we didn't know lightning was anywhere in the neighborhood of Santa Fe when we went to bed.

Oh well, a little inconvenient, but mostly just annoying. We'll get it solved. Meanwhile we'll limp along by sitting on lawn chairs in the garage to surf when we need to do so!

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!

Hmmm... my answer to that used to be "independently wealthy!"

Let's see... 20 eons ago, I thought I wanted to be an architectural engineer... then a theater major/costumes mistress. Years later, when I returned to school for another try, I wanted to be a social worker. Unfortunately, my then-husband's career path was not condusive to me staying in school or even thinking for myself, actually.

So, now.. in the mid 40's, what would I study if I had the opportunity to go back to school and truly dig in? I'm currently a graphic artist for a company...do I want to further that career path and get a degree in art? or is there something else beckoning to me from the great beyond?

Heavy subject for a Tuesday night, I'm sure. But there you have it - the things that run through my mind and get stuck somewhere in the middle.

My 19 year old DD is getting ready for back-to-school. Her classes are chosen and tuition is paid, thanks to a grant. Today, she and I took the time to go out to the student book store and pick up the textbooks she needs - fortunately, these were also paid via grant. I have always advised my girls not to go into debt for education if they can at all help it - it just seems to eat too much time out of your life paying off those student loans!

So, my BABY starts her sophomore year of junior college. One of these days, she'll actually be out on her own. How exciting for her, and for me actually.

I used to be such a whirlwind of activity this week before school - making all the arrangements, doing the enrollments, getting school supplies, etc., etc. I almost miss those days.

But, hey - maybe once she's gone I'll finally finish my degree, eh?

Tonight, my 19 year old DD and I are off to babysit the fairly newborn baby of one of the sales reps I work with. This child was born June 22 and he's just precious. DD and I watched him about a month ago so his mom and dad could go out to dinner. Tonight, I believe we'll be watching the baby and his two half-brothers who are 8 and 9. This could be fun - or it could be something else!

Anyway, it helps fill up my 'baby jones' from not being around my grandson. Also serves the purpose of getting the DD accustomed to the babysitting world (that was always older sis's job when they were younger). One day she may just go babysit for these folks without me. Right now, with the baby being so young, the momma is more confident with a grandma doing the caregiving than with an aunt doing the job. I totally understand.

What fun! Remember, my Celestial Sisters - Take your Joy where you find it!

My Dad is currently in Baltimore, at the apartment my parents have there. He's not scheduled to take time off from work for another week or so, to join Mom in Kansas for almost 2 weeks. I called him last night, to see if he had all the hatches battened down. He said "Well, there's not much to do here in a ground floor appartment other than put things up as high as possible in case of flooding. He is going out this morning to pick up a few survival supplies like bottled water and batteries, just in case. He seemed to think he's far enough in from the coast that it's not an issue.

I get up this morning - 9 am in Santa Fe is 11 am on the east coast - and the reports are how the storm is slamming the Carolinas. We used to go to Myrtle Beach when I was in junior high. I just hate it when places I know and love are smacked with disasters.

The television reports shift to the predictions, they've got parts of the coast colored in red for hurricane damage, and parts in yellow for tropical storm damage. I just don't like it that Dad is sitting right in the area where those two colors change. I'll be watching storm reports all weekend I'm sure - and trying to fight the urge to just be on the phone with Dad the whole time to be sure he's okay.

My thoughts and prayers today are with all the East Coasties who are enduring this destructive force of nature.

In response to one of the comments I got asking about auction sites -

I generally stick to eBay because they have the best service, the greatest selection, and methods in place to handle disputes. I have had to use their dispute resolution once because someone left me an unfair negative comment in my ratings - and I felt like they did a fair job of solving the problem.

I have cruised around on half.com, which is owned by eBay - but I never really found anything there that I wanted to purchase. Yahoo's auctions tend to be less than I hope to find.

But, gosh, when the whole world is out there on eBay it seems like it's such a handy place to shop when you don't have time to go from store to store physically. So, the dresses that I won on auction were on eBay - and if you wanna look at them my user name there is the same as it is here.

How do I know what sizes to buy? Well, I've been trying things on in stores lately and know approximately where I'm at by my measurements. If things arrive and are a bit snug - I figure I'll be in them soon enough. If they arrive and are a bit big/baggy - well, I do have that trusty sewing machine and know how to alter things!

Happy Motoring!

This office building is owned by a group of men, one of whom is the accountant upstairs. They had a difference of opinion on what was causing the smell in our office. I didn't really care who was right - I just wanted it to stop cuz it was giving me a headache after 3+ days and no hope of it going away.

The air conditioner guy shows up today to investigate(which I appreciate because he was actually scheduled for this coming Monday). He goes up to the accountant's to get the keys. The accountant doesn't like to let the keys out of his control so he goes to the mechanical room with the air conditioner repair guy.

An "AH HA!" moment followed. Seems that the landscaper had stored his fertilizer/activated earth (10 bags) in our mechanical room. That's why the smell was stronger every time the a/c kicked on. Air conditioner guy gives the landlord what for - this stuff is toxic, explosive, etc., and we're darned lucky the furnace wasn't on because the burner could have ignited the gases coming from these plastic bags!

Oh. Great!

Well, I'm glad it wasn't just another case of "Natalie is Nutz". I was right that something needed to be done, I just didn't know what that something was!

WHEW!

So, I've made a promise to myself that as I meet small goals along the way, and drop dress sizes that I will reward myself with a few new frocks. That way the really baggy bigger stuff can go to Goodwill and I can keep myself motivated.

Today I won a grand total of 3 new dresses, including shipping the bill comes to $19.75. I couldn't do that in Dillard's or TJ Maxx!

I love online shopping!

Now, I will have to go to Payless or Famous Footwear and get some bargain shoes to go with the new duds - can't go spending major coin on shoes if the dresses are so low cost!

Dinner time. I'm in the kitchen getting salad put together, and supervising my teenage daughter in what to put on the table for condiments to go with dinner. Hubby is out on the back patio, grilling salmon.

The doorbell rings. DD goes to answer the door. I hear a familiar voice, the bass player from the band Hubby was just performing with these last couple of weeks, say, "Hi. Is your dad home?"

DD says "Uuuuuuummmmmm....... I don't know. I could call St. Louis and ask...."

I holler out "It's Randy... let him in, hon!"

He comes in, he's looking at me really strange.. I explain that Hubby is not her dad and he has an "ah ha" look on his face. Which is funny, because Randy's a stepdad, too.

I'm telling ya, my DD is quiet, but she gets her zingers in every now and then!

I work in an office that is rented space. Our company is based in Kansas, but we have this satellite office in Santa Fe. Basically, I'm the only person that is consistently in this space, but there are sales representatives in and out all day long for about 8 months of the year, starting this past month. And, my boss is in his office at the other end of the hallway when he's in town - he travels a lot for the company.

Our building has 3 other office suites, two upstairs and another one on this first floor with ours. The landlord is the accounting firm in one of the suites upstairs, the other upstairs suite is occupied by the contractor that built the building.

So, I came back from lunch yesterday and as I opened our office door, a smell hit me in the face like a slap from an old sandal. It was like a mixture of bad cigars and chili. No, really. It was some kind of FUNK. It was getting ready to rain, there was a good breeze going and I figured I would open the window for a little while and hope it would blow away.

No such luck.

Today I arrived to find that the smell was more like a mixture of something dead and manure. Oh, yippee. It didn't go away over night. Dagnabbit!

So, I head upstairs to the landlord's offices. His receptionist greets me with a very stuffy nosed "Hewwo Nadawee", and I know SHE's not going to be able to come smell this fog in my office. Doggone allergy season anyway!

So, she sends one of her bosses, an owner of the building, to come and smell. He brings his wife. The two of them are walking around, trying to identify the odor so they know whether it's the ventillation guy or the plumber they should call. I've already checked all the trash cans, there's no dead animals in them. Heck, there's not even someone's weird Santa Fe lunch leftovers with guacamole and sprouts in the trash this week.

:nose:

Now, the really WONDERFUL part.... not only do I get to continue to listen to the sales people complain about it whenever they arrive back in the office... I get to listen to them until MONDAY, because that is the soonest they can get the Heating and Air guys to come out.

For me, it's kind of like working in a barn. Once you get past those first few deep breaths of manure, the smell of horse stalls doesn't bother you much. I only notice if I go outside (like for walks and lunch) and come back.

My life just gets more interesting every day. I wonder if I can make a movie of it...(wasn't it Moonchime that suggested this sort of thing before?).... my problem is, I don't think Tyne Daly has a younger sister that could play me. I'm betting Sam Elliott is too busy these days to play my Hubby - though they look enough alike they could be close cousins in my humble opinion.

Some of the changes I see in how I deal with situations lately, I recognize as the "old me" from YEARS ago. A bit more plucky, more able to keep from sweating the small stuff. Once in a while I lapse into the more recent "me" and get wound for sound about something that is inconsequential in the grand scheme of things, but those are getting fewer and farther between (I think).

I made a comment to Hubby the other night, something about "I know I get my panties in a bunch pretty easily about silly stuff...." and before I finished my sentence he piped up and said "Not so much lately. For a while there, yes - but nobody realized just how sick/tired/worn out/worn down you really were. Now that you're recovering, you're not so easy to hit the accelerator on your emotions."

That's very reassuring from my polite, patient and sweet natured Canadian. That although he recognized that I was a mess for a while there, he didn't make a big issue of it all the time, just let me blow over when I needed. And that he's noticed an improvement, again without making an issue of it.

I hope that regaining the ability to be on an even keel is an improvement. 15 years ago, it was because I felt hopelessly miserable and just didn't care anymore. I know it's not that way this time around.

It's also a huge relief to know that Hubby isn't thinking 6 weeks is all the time it takes to recover from this life-changing operation. He said "recoverING" not "recoverED". He still gives me a stern grumble if he catches me trying to carry more than 2 bags of groceries at once, or if I say something about vacuuming the living room - he knows that I move furniture when I do that and he will NOT tolerate that.

SIGH.

I seem to have lost myself somewhere. Suppose I should check between the sofa cushions, that's where most lost items end up at my house.

I used to be a person that was always busy doing "something". Creating artwork on the computer, or painting, or sewing, or knitting, or crocheting, or... something. Nowadays I don't even doodle when I'm on the phone. What happened? So many of those things I used to do, don't particularly interest me anymore, or at least not in the way they did.

For instance: sewing. In my photo gallery, or on my web page under the "kids" link - there are a couple of dresses I've made for my daughters. The older DD's wedding dress (I still think she looked like the Chiffon Margarine version of Mother Nature in that dress!) and younger DD's prom dress, which was the very next project I did. That was over 2 years ago. Since then, other than basic mending, the only sewing I've done was to upholster the diner benches that Hubby and I put together back at Christmas.

Time was when I had my sewing machine set up more days of the year than not, working on something or other. Curtains to freshen up the look in a room, a special occasion outfit, pillow to toss here or there, crafty/gifty things to give to the women in my extended family at Christmas.

Now, the poor machine gathers dust in its case in the back of a closet. I just can't think of anything in particular I want to make.

Where the heck did my Inspiration go? If I'm not doing an errand or some housework task, I'm not actually doing ANYTHING these days. I don't nap anymore. I just sort of sit and stare at the TV and flip channels. The only thing missing is for me to scratch and drink beer I guess.

When I was pre-op, I knew that a lot of my reluctance to start any projects came from my total lack of energy. Anemia does that to a person. It's a wonder that I completed the diner benches for the breakfast nook, except we desperately needed the seating for our visitors over the holiday.

But I'm not anemic anymore.

It's not winter, so I can't say that it's Seasonal Affective Disorder - plenty of sunshine in Santa Fe even when it rains every afternoon. For that matter, there's plenty of sunshine here in the winter, too!

I know it's the heat that has me holding back on baking - another area of creativity for me has always been cooking in one form or another. But, in the land of NO AIR CONDITIONING, one is very reluctant to turn on the oven. We have learned to cook a wide variety of things over the gas grill outside just to keep the heat out of the house.

So, I guess I'll have to pull the cushions off the sofa this evening and see what's tucked back in there besides cat toys. Maybe my Inspiration will fall out from the folds of the pillow back, ya 'spose?

Would have been the best description for the dinner I attempted to prepare last night. I BBQ'd beef ribs. It was going very well, until I realized that I had not yet prepared the salad to go with dinner. So, I slopped on a BUNCH of sauce (2 parts bbq sauce to 1 part honey) and dashed in the house to put together a big green salad.

Well, one thing led to another and I sorta forgot that I had things outdoors over a gas fire... suddenly it dawns on me that there is meat to be tended. I RUN to the patio in time to see smoke POURING out from under the BBQ lid.

Oh yeah, honey and tomato sauce burns REAL GOOD! Turned those lovely ribs into cinders through and through.

Hubby comes home from work, tells me on his way in the house how wonderful dinner smells. I had to tell him that the smell was the best part. He tried to make me feel better, but I was feeling pretty awful about the disaster.

Finally, in my own 'sanguine' style I said "Well, when you go to work tomorrow, you can tell people that I treat you like a god...I gave you burnt offerings for dinner."



Oh well, we had a lovely salad, cantelope and corn on the cob for dinner.

1. What time do you get up? 6:30 am

2. If you could eat lunch with one person, who would it be? living or dead. .....Betty Friedan

3. Gold or Silver? .... Gold

4. What was the last film that you saw at the cinema?.........Planet of the Apes

5. What is/are your favourite TV shows?...... Star Trek:Enterprise, Becker, Law & Order

6. What did you eat for breakfast?........Donut and coffee - I was very bad today!

7. Who would you hate to be stuck in a room with?.....My ex-H!

8. What / who inspires you?........ My daughters and DH

9. What is your middle name?..........Joyce

10. Beach, City or Country?............Beach!

11. Favourite ice cream? ......... none, I'm lactose intolerant

12. Butter or plain popcorn? .......much margarine!

13. Favourite color? .........any shade of blue

14. What kind of car do you drive?....... 2003 Kia Rio Cinco

15. Favorite sandwich?......Turkey Surprise (turkey, lettuce, stuffing and cranberry sauce on whole wheat!)

16. What characteristics do you despise ?..... dishonesty

17. Favorite flower?........roses

18. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go ? Caribbean Cruise

19. What color is your bathroom?....... ivory and burgundy

20. Where would you like to retire?...... don't know yet - perhaps Southern Ontario

21. Favorite day of the week?.........Saturday

22. What did you do for your last birthday?....... BBQ with surprise company, then wardrobe shopping

23. Where were you born?............Manhattan, Kansas

24. Favorite sport to watch?.........Ice Hockey

25. Who do you least expect to send this back to you....???

26. Person you expect to send it back first?....????

27. What fabric detergent do you use?......whatever is on sale

28. Coke or Pepsi ?.......Pepsi

29. Are you a morning person or a night owl?........night owl

30. Do you have any pets?.....my Himalayan cat, MOPAR

- but it can smooth out your face when you recognize the irony of a situation.

I decided, just for the heck of it, to tour my ex-H's web space. I don't know why, I just did it.

Now, my Hubby and I went through quite the adventure to be together, his immigration from Canada being delayed here, complicated there, finally arriving in 2001 and then us going for his next appointment the day planes were allowed to fly again, after 9-11. We've described it as an "Epic" or a "Fairy Tale" (since we both have trouble believing we're so lucky to have found one another), and repeatedly tell people that any story worth telling has its obstacles to overcome.

Now, the irony. I go to the ex-H's site, and take a look at the front page. It describes his romance with my ex-roommate as being "a love with a near storybook beginning but the very real rollercoaster ride of trying to make a long distance relationship work".

I just have to laugh. Where's the difficulty? He's unemployed/on disability - she's gainfully employed. Why not just rent a U-Haul and move his efficiency apartment full of belongings from St. Louis to New Hampshire? It's only a rollercoaster because he has insisted on living his whole life as a melodrama - minimizing any positives in front of him and focusing on the "suffering for his art" stuff he convinced himself he must endure.

Storybook beginning... hmmm.. wonder what the heck that means?

Oh well, it shall be very interesting to sit back and watch the little explosion cloud form over the horizon when he gets notification from Child Support Enforcement.

The opposite of love is not hate. It's apathy.

I don't feel any jealousy over their relationship. Have at it, I don't care. I love my daughter, and want financial justice for her. Whenever the money comes in, I want it directed straight to her savings account. So, though I'm sure he'll construe it as me seeking "revenge" for something or other, it's not.

Anyway, it was my spa treatment for the day... the laughter was good internal aerobics for my body, and the goofy grin I got from reading the silly page certainly smoothed out any wrinkles on my face.

Grab your JOY where you find it, my celestial sisters!

The all-day meeting went well with the whole crew. We arrived to find the refreshments ready and waiting for us, which did impress the CEO and the VP of Sales. My boss, the District Manager, told me the room was exactly what we needed, no more - no less, which means I understood just what he wanted for the day.

Mid-morning, we were sitting there discussing a topic that everyone was about worn out about, when in walked the hostess with a big plate of just-baked chocolate chip cookies! The CEO took a deep breath and said "I think we need to take a 5 minute break and then come back to start our next topic." Nobody had to be told twice, we were on those cookies like a bird on a bug. One of the reps said to me... "look... the chips are still melty in these cookies!", I replied "Hey, I TRIED to set this up nice for you guys!"

All in all, I'd say the meeting went well. In the late afternoon, the big wheels and my boss jetted off to Colorado to prepare for a meeting the next day. Bet the office gal in THAT city didn't set up for cookies!

All in all, I'm pretty proud of the arrangements I made. Sometimes I think my boss forgets that I used to be a secretary in different capacities over the years. This sort of thing is part of my skills base, just not part of my actual current job description. Funny how "fun" it can be to reach back and use an ability that hasn't been exercised in a while.

...is that you get called upon at the weirdest times, and how can you say "No"?

My boss is currently in Kansas at our home office. Tomorrow morning, he, the Vice President of Sales, the President/CEO/Owner of the company and his wife will all jet to Santa Fe in the company plane. They will be attending the kick-off meeting for this market, at the conference room that I arranged for last week.

There are many pieces of information that are necessary to hand out to the sales reps at this meeting. However, the decisions as to what would be said ON those hand-outs, wasn't made until sometime Friday afternoon.

So, guess who gets to go to the office this afternoon (Sunday) and put those handouts together? Uh huh. Me. Good thing I'm not still on medical leave!

Oh well, Hubby had to work until 5 today anyway. I've got dinner starting to thaw in the kitchen, and dessert halfway prepared in the fridge. With any luck, the extra time in the office will earn me a gift certificate for dinner out one night this week - that works, one night not to have to cook!

Onward and Upward.

That's me... birthday is June 23. I've never cared for being called "Cancer the Crab", so when I discovered that my astrological sign was also called Moonchild, I latched onto it. People ask "What's your sign?" and I give them that reply - they just look at me blankly for a moment, and I usually have to append "Cancer" and then they know. Yes, in Santa Fe that is a question still asked often. In fact, one of the other Band Wives had it come up in 2 job interviews in the last 3 weeks!

Anyway... my life has often been linked to the Moon, sometimes in ways I didn't realize until the situation was passed. Like for instance, for MANY years my monthly cycle was destined to start on the night of the full moon. I figured it was my body's own personal High Tide. That's probably part of why I was so miserable the last many months before surgery - my cycle was all off course as to when it should occur.

Nowadays, I find that I'm high energy during the full moon - I accomplish more, I'm in a peppier mood, I need less sleep which is good because I'm busy keeping my Hubby awake all night

I just don't even have to look up or check a calendar if I spend any time thinking about how upbeat my mood and life events are at the time I know it's the full moon. So, that of course is why I chose the avatar I searched the internet to find.

Forget those adages about people being nutz during the full moon. In my life I've found that people are pretty much nutz any old time they please! But I find that my clarity of thinking, my ability to make a good choice about important decisions, is very definitely heightened at this time. I'm more organized, and I'm more likely to clear away clutter when I find it (like yesterday when I cleaned drawers). I have more patience and creativity. Too bad I'm too old and nearsighted - when I was a kid I thought it would have been cool to be an astronaut to the moon...I could have been brilliant if I lived there, eh?

Keep looking up, my fellow Celestial Bodies!

This afternoon I wasn't feeling overly energetic. I think the silliness of last night is catching up with me...I'm not as young as I used to be, I really should know better! Anyway, I didn't feel much like scrubbing any bathroom or kitchen surfaces today. So, I sat here at the computer and cleaned up the coding for my Hubby's website and posted it on the internet for him. Now we're both hosted at our "paid for" website instead of one that is contingent on our internet service provider. Means we don't have to repost again in the future, just pay the annual dues.

So, for anyone that is interested, his site, telling about his musical career, etc., is at Click Here For My Hubby's Site

my site, telling about my kids, the origin of my nickname, etc., is at Click Here For My Site

If I've done the coding right here, those should work.

The coolest part of Hubby's site is to look at the display of all the people he has played with over the years. I get a kick out of watching his facial hair come and go, baby fat melt away, and his hair get short and long. Makes me feel like I've known him a lot longer than I have, getting to paw through all those pictures while I was designing his web space.

I almost forgot one:

On the Wowing My Boss front: I made the arrangements for our kick-off meeting this coming Monday. After some telephone shopping around, I secured a room for less than 1/3 of the first bid I found. The room I went with also INCLUDED the refreshments we wanted - coffee, water, rolls, juice, fruit. I've seen the room and it's perfectly suitable for our use for the day. I know that my immediate boss will be impressed that I handled this task without his having to get involved. This sort of thing really isn't part of my normal duties as a graphic artist, especially within our company.

I'm hopeful that the president of our company will be made aware that I was the one that made the arrangements (that is, unless he wants to make some sort of complaint about it ). It never hurts to have him impressed, eh?

Following my own advice, I'm going to chronicle the positives I have done this week. I have many different fronts on which I am making inroads:

On the Deadbeat Dad front: I've made contact with the state where my divorce was filed and learned that the state where my younger daughter is living is the one that has to be the start of collecting the back support. I've downloaded and printed out the correct (9 PAGES!) form to start the process and I've called the court in Kansas for a certified copy of the support order for New Mexico to get enforced. I've got that paperwork about half filled out right now, and when the papers get here from Kansas I will be able to finish up and send them off within 24 hours. I'm able to envision myself being assertive on this issue. Not aggressive or witch-like, but strong and steadfast. There's a difference.

On the Dieting front: I've done a great job this week of eating low cal, low fat lunches (no more drive-by lunches from McD's). The weight's not falling off as fast as I might hope, but it has also been a really rainy week and not handy for walking during my breaks during work hours. But, I'm not gaining right now even without the walking so that's a good thing.

On the Quit Smoking front: I'm still not picking this old habit back up. I even went to the bar last night where Hubby was performing, sat right next to a smoker and didn't feel tempted. HOORAY!

On the Work Relationships front: Because I'm not under so much discomfort and worry all the time, I am able to approach my co-workers in a less confrontational way. I believe that it may take time for them to recognize and adjust to the 'new me' or to trust that the changes will be long lasting. But once they've come to see that I truly am new and improved, I believe their approach to me will change in response. Again, assertive but not aggressive. I don't have to keep a chip on my shoulder and look for chances to say "NO". I'll simply state pertinent facts and let those facts be my guide when there is a difference of opinion on how to proceed.

On the Personal Relationships front: I'm feeling more confident in myself because of the other achievements. This is helping me be more of a wife to my Hubby. Because I don't feel so needy physically, I'm able to give more emotionally. I know this is already making positive changes in how we relate to one another. The amazing part is that our relationship was pretty darned good before, so I didn't realize it could be tweaked up the scale to better!

On the Personal Organization front: I've cleaned out 3 dresser drawers today and reorganized/folded/ tossed out things that don't fit. Small steps like this, a half hour at a time, can be repeated in different parts of the house as I have the inspiration/time/energy. Whenever I open a drawer or cupboard that has been tidied up, I can reinforce my sense of pride in accomplishing this task.

That's what we all need to do as we make healthier choices and recover from our surgeries and other issues in our lives.

Not focus on our failures, setbacks, missed goals. Pay attention to every positive thing we DO accomplish. And celebrate them! Make some noise out there, ladies! Get as worked up about the fact that you took your walk and drank your water as you would if it were the first time your puppy rolled over on your prompting!

Grab your joy where you find it - pay attention to the GREAT things you're doing! The more you let those be in the front of your mind, the more you will let the negative stuff melt away into the nooks and crannies of the background.

Even when all we can accomplish in a day or week or month is a BABYSTEP forward... it's still FORWARD and that's a WONDERFUL THING!

Blessings and Joy to all my Divine Sisters.

Let your hearts' joy shine in your face to show the world that you are renewed women!

So we gathered in the little high-tech (chrome chairs, glass tables, funky light fixtures) bar tucked just off the historical plaza (big tourist area) downtown. Three of my associates from work showed up to enjoy the evening - we had a pretty good time being totally silly together. The one fellow, who is just a couple years older than my youngest daughter had definitely had a couple of drinks before I got there. Imagine a 6'6" lanky drink of water doing what I call the "Peanuts Dance"... remember on the Charlie Brown Christmas Special how the kids danced... that's the picture in your head for most of the evening. These guys played a rock-n-roll meets blues meets country sort of funky stuff with a great beat and no discernable lyrics. So, even people that didn't dance still were patting their feet on the floor or tapping fingers on the table tops.

I wasn't driving, and I don't have to work today, so I didn't really care that the tall dancing young man kept buying me drinks. He's so excited about some of the art work that I've created for his accounts this week, and the sales he's made off my work in the past he announced basically to the whole bar that he was buying my drinks for the evening. Hubby didn't care - it's not like there was any jealousy problem there. Our young friend has a fiance whom we've met, and he's basically a labrador puppy at heart - throw the stick and he'll lumber after it and bring it back.

Anyway.. we danced to a couple of numbers... he kept saying "Okay, Catholic School Rules here.. have to have daylight between us during slow numbers!" and that would get me to giggling and we would never finish a dance to a whole song.

So, I had way too much to drink, as did the other gal in my little group from work. The two of us started talking and WHOA she spilled her guts to me. This even included "You know, you're a whole new woman now, Natalie. I used to think you were just cranky and didn't like me. But you're actually pretty cool - and look at you with your hair all done up and make-up on and your snazzy outfit. What a babe!" Then she gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek that almost landed on my lips!

Hubby came over to me at the next break and said "Wow.. Most guys would have thought I had to worry about Patrick.. nope. I shoulda been watching Sara!" Then we both cracked up! I told him what she had said (she was in the ladies' room at the time) and he patted my backside and told me that I am a babe.

All in all it was fun. Fun to get out on a Friday night. Fun to have the ENERGY to get out on a Friday night! Fun to get all dolled up and get compliments on my efforts. We need a bigger crowd to come enjoy the band.. but that will happen as word spreads. We just need the local reviewer to give us a nod and for the tourists to arrive en force to fill the place up better.

As my older DD would say "It's all good."

Tonight, my Hubby will take the stage at a local spot as the drummer for the band that has been practicing in my garage the last few weeks. It will be interesting to see how it goes...these 4 personalities aren't exactly meshing well, but that could partly be the pressure of trying to be ready so soon for their first date.

Anyhow, I shall report tomorrow on how it went... right not it's time to get all dolled up to go watch the performance. I'll be sitting with the other "band wives"... unless the one that I've been pre-warned about starts standing on tables and screaming "WOO HOO" at the top of her lungs. If that happens, I'll be heading for a dark corner so I'm not associated with those shenanigans. Okay, so that she doesn't distract from whatever shenanigans I'M into at the time!

I love the sitcom starring Reba McIntyre - Reba!

She has some of the greatest lines since Roseanne Barr! And it never fails, at least one of those wacky lines will just get me to chuckling for the next 24 hours!

Last night, I'm watching the show and she's having a disagreement with the next door neighbor who is married to Reba's ex-husband. The woman says "Well, those are my last words to you." And Reba says,"Aw, I've always dreamed that your last words to me would be "Reba, this pudding tastes a little funny.....AAAAAAACK!"" Okay, I know I'll NEVER have a situation in which it is either true or appropriate to repeat that line. But still... it was doggone funny!



Speaking of Roseanne... my favorite.. favorite....FAVORITE moment ever on her show was when she explained to D.J. that he wasn't a "mistake".. he was a "surprise". Because a mistake is something you wouldn't do again if you were given the chance to choose again. A surprise is something you didn't know how much you wanted it until you got it. I've always thought that was the most wonderful way to think of unplanned events in our lives. Everything happens for a reason - and it's not always for us to know what that reason is at the time.

My older DD is currently visiting her grandparents and dad in Missouri. She and her hubby had decided it would be good to have a few days apart. She took her son with her, because he's such a major Momma's boy. I called her house last night to see that they had gotten home safely, and it turned out that she had some car trouble and has stayed a few extra days until her car is ready to return home.

Meanwhile, I had the opportunity to have a phone conversation with my SIL, because he was home alone. Probably the longest we've talked in the 2 1/2 years they've been married. It was a pretty good conversation, but something he said just kept rattling around in my head last night and again this morning. When he was talking about the trip she is on, he said "I thought it would be good for her to visit her Dad, because that always seems to cheer her up."

Now, I'm adult enough to realize that it's only a 6 hour drive to see her dad and grandparents and it would be more like 14 hours in the car to see me right now. So, it doesn't bother me that she went east instead of southwest for a short 'getaway'. I get that part.

But, what's eating at me is that statement "visiting her dad always cheers her up." Whoa. This is the man that argued about every dime of child support he ever paid on her behalf. This is the man that would buy himself $200 meerschum pipes rather than buy the family groceries. This is the man that didn't pay our income taxes for the last 2 years we were married - which I didn't find out until 5 years later. This is the man that stood idly by while his father scooped up my two daughters in his lap and said "If you were boys, you'd be perfect."

Visiting him cheers her up.

That feels like a knife in my heart. I just want to crawl in a hole and cry. Does this mean that visiting me brings her down? Or am I taking that statement too personally? I'm not about to call her at her Dad's to talk it out - that would be just bizarre. I'll have too wait til the weekend, when she's home again. And even then I don't know if its worth mentioning. I hope by then I've got my own emotionality about it under control. Sheesh I didn't realize I'd grown so sensitive lately.

Today was my day to receive packages at the office. I should say SHIPMENTS.

A semi-trailer pulled up to the back door of our office and unloaded 130 boxes of candy jars, 2 dozen jars per box. It's part of a blitz we're doing to kick off the sales market here - they'll be personally delivered to our customers as a thank-you gift.

A little later in the day, the phone rang. My boss was calling and being a smart-alec..."So, are you being barricaded in with boxes yet?"

Well, yes I was. I explained to him that at that moment, FedEx was delivering 40 file boxes full of the sales reps folders. It was quite the challenge to imagine where to put ALL these boxes. So, I told him, I hope you really don't need your office before these candy jars get handed out. Because you can barely get thru the hallway to your door right now. He laughed. I don't think he believed me. When he arrives in the office tomorrow, he'll see that I don't make those sort of statements lightly.

...about to answer someone as if they knew the ins and outs of this site, when you know they don't? Well... I did the other day. My "dear co-worker" from back during my recovery who thought that I was on vacation...found a problem with our office copier when she went to use it one weekend. Did she leave me a note? No. Did she mention it to me when she talked to me on the phone during the next week? No. And, to top it off, she was using a feature of the copier that I don't regularly use, either. (The sheet feeder for multiple originals.)

So, she wanders in last week, to take care of some other business, heads for the copier and stops in her tracks.

"Did you have the copier repairman here?"
"Well, no...I didn't know it was broken."
"Oh, I thought you would have known."

I really, really, really wanted to say something like "Nope. They took out my ESP while I was in the hospital." But, I didn't. I just said "No, but now that I do know, I'll call for service."

The next couple of days I just kept thinking and giggling to myself... I remember there being a thread here about how Roseanne Barr claims the uterus is a TV Remote Control Locating Device. I surmise that it also is in charge of telepathic communication, since I seem to have none now.

...when they're trying to "not ask" how I'm doing. I mean, they want me to know that they're concerned, but they don't want to risk that I'll get all weepy on them. Well, I can imagine that is probably because I'm not seen as an over-emotional woman in most of my social relationships. People really wouldn't know how to act if I weren't the tough old bird they expect of me.

They'll say things like "Good to see that you were able to solve your health issues." Or "I'm so glad to see that you came thru your surgery without lasting scars." How would they know if I have a scar or not? Okay, I'm not limping or showing any disfigurement outside of my clothing but... no lasting scars? I'm in office clothes when they say that for pete's sake, not a bikini!

I just smile and say "Thanks - I'm doing a little better every day. Eventually I'll be 100% again!"

Of course, that beats the heck out of them asking how my V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N was!

So, I've been a little busy this past 12 months. When we moved here from Kansas, we signed up for internet access again pretty promptly, but didn't bother to move our personal websites. Then, we realized that we were going to eventually purchase webspace for Hubby's business, and we could put our personal sites up there without ever having to move them again. We did get around to setting up that business site right about the time I had surgery. I had grand ideas that I would move my site while I was home on leave. HA!

So, 6 weeks after I've returned to work, I finally got started on moving my site over to its new home. Now, it is finally there. Two sections - one called Sanguiness' Comfy Sofa, which is basically about me and my daughters (yeah, yeah, I still have to build a page about the grandson - maybe next weekend!), and the second section we call our CyberCottage which is the chronicle of our story as we met on the internet and met in person and then decided to marry. We warn people who go to the CyberCottage to take a lunch and go on a day when they have no other plans. It can take a pretty long while to read, covering not only photos and descriptions of our visits back and forth to each other's countries, but also info that we learned along the way about Canada-U.S. immigration.

You can find the link under my name on my posts here, or in my profile. www.littleshopofvoices.com/sanguiness/

This may sound weird, but I was thinking about this yesterday... one thing that I did bring away from my relationship with that ex-Roomie whom I mentioned thru the last few threads, was a recipe.

She taught me to make some pretty awesome onion rings. You take one can of beer - and believe me, the cheap stuff that people leave in your fridge after a party is perfect. And mix it slowly with an equal amount of flour. In other words if it is a 12 oz can of beer, use 1 1/2 cups of flour. If it's a tall boy, adjust accordingly. Let this mixture sit in a non-reactive (in otherwords glass or ceramic is preferred) bowl for 4 hours at room temperature. Give it a gentle stir occasionally, to work out any little dry lumps that might remain.

After a minimum of 4 hours, you put your rings of sliced onion in the batter and deep fry. The batter will be light and puffy, almost like the Tempura batter from oriental cooking. I tend to just keep slicing onions until I've used up whatever batter I made, because they store well. Whatever you don't eat (and it will be hard to have leftovers, these are addictive!) you pop in a freezer bag, toss em in the freezer. When you microwave them back to life in the future, they'll not be greasy at all.

I have occasionally put this same batter on shrimp and other veggies for deep frying. Also, in a pinch, Ginger Ale will work for the batter, too. Or, if you have someone who has a dietary reason for not eating beer cooked products. My Dad, for instance, is allergic to the hops in beer - so for him I always use either Ginger Ale or 7up. It's not quite the same taste, but still that light, fluffy crispy coating.

It always seems that there is beer left in the fridge that we will never drink. Just last week, after Hubby's band practiced in the garage, I went to the little dorm fridge we have out there and intended to refill it with Gatorade for them to drink during practice. There were a couple of cans of Tecate out there. Onion rings, here we come.

Ever since I've passed the 6-week mark, I've been looking for ways to repay the pampering I got while I was home recovering. I know I can't do one "big" thing and be done with it...Hubby did so many "little" things every day to make sure I was comfy and happy and healing.

So, this morning, I slipped down the hall while he was showering to get ready for work. The joy of working at the big orange apron home improvement store...your days off usually aren't on the weekend. So, I can hear the shower running and I start dragging out the pots and pans. It's been a while since I've had the energy to do a proper Sunday breakfast or brunch. So, as he emerges from the bathroom all washed and blow-dried, I hand him a tray. He sits on the other side of the bed and digs in happily to bacon, hash browns, toast and sunny-side-up eggs (his favorite), juice and coffee, and the jar of seedless red raspberry jam.

Back in the days before we moved to Santa Fe, we had our Sunday morning ritual: Newspaper and coffee while lounging in bed, then a big cooked breakfast of some sort, the two of us taking turns doing the cooking or else both of us taking the project on together. It was time to savor Tim Horton's (a Canadian brand) coffee, and bask in each other's attention.

This morning wasn't quite that leisurely, but at least it was a little something he wasn't expecting. That was fun.

Oh, and a side note from here in the land of "What do you mean nobody has air conditioning in their homes here?" - the higher thread count sheets are not only softer. They are also cooler through the night. Hubby has a high body temp - we call him "Mr Furnace" in the winter. He says he "only" had to flip his pillow once during the night to cool it off. Usually it's more like 1/2 dozen times. I may just have to wander back to TJMaxx, or maybe Tuesday Morning, and get another set of high count cotton sheets.

I've been so busy being back-to-work, dealing with WEIRDNESS in my life, fitness, food choices, etc., etc., etc., I had done the most awful thing, my Dear Sisters!

I had forgotten about Pampering the Princess !!

I was so excited back when I bought the khaki pants, about a month ago. Then, I kind of got caught up in the "stuff" of daily living. I'm not a shopper by habit, mostly by necessity. In other words I have more of a tendency to go purchase things I need, not things I want.

Today I woke up, glorious sunny morning here in Santa Fe, not much in the way of heat expected today, probably yet another round of monsoon this afternoon and a full array of "What do I want to do today?" ahead of me. So, I got in my little mini-grocery-getter (Kia Rio Cinco - looks like a green bean), and headed to the mall. Didn't find anything too enticing even though the anchor stores were all having sales of one kind or another. I headed over to the outlet strip mall across the road, and ended up in TJMaxx. I found the most awesome, DEEP RED set of sheets for our bed! Our bed linens were previously tan, because they could hold up to bleaching when needed. Now, since I never have to worry about that again, I decided to go with a bold, wild color that could still go with the tan comforter & accessories that we have. As an artist, I do like the combination of tan and red in clothing and some of my ad designs - so it looks sort of upbeat/updated.

So, they're currently spinning away in the washer and after a tumble in the dryer I will dress the bed and tidy the rest of the room. Hubby will not know what to think when he gets home from work this evening! Hee hee - guess I better sort thru that bottom dresser drawer and find an ooh-la-la that goes with red, eh?

Anyway, my friends... while you're winding your way thru that forest called recovery... don't forget about the simple things in life that can bring you joy. These new sheets are going to be SO soft - 360 thread count and 100% cotton! And even at TJMaxx's bargain price for the set, they're probably the best quality sheets I've ever had.

Since the ex was so insistent that his "new woman" had been asking after me, etc., and he had emailed me her address, I decided to send her a chatty little "nothing but air in my head" kind of letter asking how she and her family are, what's been happening the last 20+years, blah blah blah. I included things like "I'm sure R has already told you about our two amazing daughters and the awesome grandson. If you want any details other than that about the last many years, I'll fill in the blanks - just ask."

What I got back was, well, dry. Somewhat factual but obvious that she's holding a lot back. Short and to the point. I don't know if it's just because she's been living in New England for so long that she's forgotten the art of Midwestern let-your-hair-down spill-your-guts girltalk or if she already has decided that at some point I'm likely to blast her about breaking the Girlfriend Code. Heck, for all I know she's a HysterSister reader already and has been lurking in my journal. Not a problem for me, I don't type anything here that I wouldn't say to a person's face - sometimes my book is too open, it's a fault of mine that I don't always leave things unsaid.

And actually, if I really read the email from her carefully, I see the same kind of stilted, non-conversational language that I repeatedly get from my ex. He could have written her letter, except that I doubt seriously that he would have a clue how to hack into her email account at the college where she works.

What's funny is, I don't resent her in any way.

We've been divorced for several years. I don't care if he moves on, in fact I've been anxiously awaiting it so he would shut up about me to my daughters. She didn't cause the breakup of our marriage, he and I did that on our own. Many failed attempts at counselling, lack of communication, lack of emotional and physical satisfaction, lack of mutual respect. Those are the things that drove us apart. I hope for her that he won't do the same things that he did to me. I'm betting he will, and I'm betting that just like me she's going to hope that they will pass. But that's her own choice as to how long she tolerates whatever comes her way.

So, now that I look at her reply to my letter... I don't know what I was expecting from her. I should have just sat back and waited for her to write to me in the first place. Oh well. Someday I'll learn.

I just thought that since there are still a few events in the future that we may have to socially interact - younger DD's college graduation, younger DD's wedding "some day", that sort of thing.. that we ought to at least be able to give a polite nod to one another across a room of people.

When older DD was married 2 1/2 years ago, ex-H managed to get paperwork together in order to be legally allowed to perform her wedding. I made the wedding dress, paid for the reception at a lovely historic victorian home in the area, arranged for the hair appointments for both daughters, myself and the ex-sister-in-law who was matron of honor. Ex-H made no effort to help fund any of the wedding plans. He just showed up, performed a rather bizarrely worded wedding that had the happy couple rolling their eyes in a couple places, and then didn't say 2 words to me during the reception and pictures. In fact, the only person from his family that spoke to me was the ex-sister-in-law who thanked me for making such beautiful arrangements - she loved the stone chapel and the victorian house reception with its fussy lace curtains and cut glass dishes, thought they suited the bride just wonderfully.

Anyway, the least the ex-H and the ex-roomie could do is make pleasant conversation - in my opinion. Maybe I just hope for too much.

Tonight, it was a bit chilly on my way home from work. Blustery, dark clouds... it's those monsoons rolling thru, gotta love 'em! But the chill in the air put me in the mood for one of my winter time favs... BREAKFAST FOR SUPPER! So, I got brave and dragged out my waffle maker. Last time I tried to use it (T-giving weekend last year), it was a disaster that left me in tears. Tonight, I had the patience not to try to peek too early, and it actually (deepbreath)

MADE WAFFLES!!!!

Okay, that may seem like a small thing, but I was bustin buttons here! And I'll tell ya, soon as the sausage was ready, those were the best waffles I've ever had! Now I can do fun suppers this winter like Chicken A La King on waffles! I just can't tell you how excited I am about that! Okay, maybe you can guess.