I'm childless by choice, but I'm grieving about TAH!

Oh my God!!!

I read the stories here and I want to cry again. Even though I had my TAH at 51 (at the doors of menopause dec. 02 /11), and I am childless by choice, I have had a total feeling of loss.

I feel like I'm a walking shell with no life inside me. I feel like an automaton. I feel that the joy was taken away. I miss my sex drive dearly. I feel like a plastic mannequin. I have had suicidal thoughts. It's not hundred percent of the time, but I had never experienced this kind of emotions.

I do feel like I have reasons to live and projects to do.

I know that I can pull myself out of this, but this is one of the hardest moments of my life!

Yesterday, sunny and blue and warm... so perfect and I had a horrendous cloudy day inside my soul. Today I'm aliviated by working on something I enjoy.

Thank you for letting me write this here.

Hi Noche,

You aren't empty. You aren't plastic.

I'm childless too and now 50. Grief over losing fertility is a part of being a woman regardless of whether we had children or not. And grief is completely normal in hysterectomy too. Double whammy. Grief in my experience rarely feels normal, it can be very disorienting.

However what you're describing sounds very serious with suicidal thoughts and probably medical since you've had a hysterectomy which is a shock to the system and you've never felt like this before.

What you're writing about sounds so similar to what women who are going through post-partum depression express.

Please go to your doctor right away and let them know what you're going through and let them put together a treatment plan for you. Your sexual drive might very well be recovered in the process of depression treatment, but let them know it's in the pits so they can help you.

And if your doctor isn't helpful, ask for a referral to a psychiatrist from a local infertility or women's clinic as they will know of someone that specializes in the medical implications between emotions and hormones.

You mentioned it's a beautiful day. My husband is a psych nurse practitioner and he says that suicides occur more in the spring when the sun comes out because energy levels soar and it can bring with it the actually energy to act out depressive, suicidal thoughts. So the weather and this onslaught of emotion could be related!

And keep on posting to let us know how you're doing. You aren't alone, there are lots and lots of us who can understand what you're going through.

Big hugs!

Noche, just checking back. Thinking about you! Big hugs.

Hi Noche,

I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a huge hug!!! I am so sorry that you're feeling so blue right now. Please talk to your doctor about this. You don't have to be superwoman and it's okay to ask for help. You are not alone! Keep posting and sharing. I am sending you many healing wishes and I hope that your inner sunshine is able to radiate through the sadness very soon.

PacificNW and Jenny,

Thank you for your responses and for checking in. I guess I needed to write those feelings, which are not there all the time at all. It has been more a matter of three or four episodes in the last two months. The most recent last Sunday... and then when reading the stories here, I burst again!

I have been proactive. I read the whole book "What your doctor may not tell you about menopause" by Dr. John Lee It's been an eye opener regarding hormones and natural treatments. I'm acting on it and got some progesterone cream. I will have a saliva hormone level test.

Also, now I'm reading "The Hormone Diet" by Natasha Turner, ND

Last week I visited my general practitioner to check the results of 5 blood tests (cholesterol, anemia, kidneys, Lyme...) All came out within normal parameters. So we concluded that we'll be keeping and eye on my hormones. But I DO NOT want to take synthetic hormones.

I hope to manage this whole thing naturally.

My husband has been very supportive and loving. I have told him not to take my moods personally! It must be hard for him to face this other woman I have become. He has had his personal erection challenges so he is not in a hurry for sex... but we both miss it.

Thank you again wherever you are... I feel in good company and I too wish I could cross this screen and hug you!

Hi Noche,

Thank you for checking in again! Glad to know you're ok. I'm a nature girl too. My husband specializes in nutritional help for mental illness, as well as prescribing allopathic medicines.

I don't know if you have naturopaths (NDs) in your area but they are medical doctors that specialize in natural remedies and some of them specialize in female hormone needs including menopause, such as Dr. Tori Hudson.

Here is a website link to her clinic, you might be able to get a referral from them to someone in your area if you want someone with that kind of training:

www.awomanstime.com

Hi Noche,

I am also childless by choice. When I was young I played with dolls and fantasized about having a baby. I picked out names (which changed multiple times over the years) and numbers and genders. I grew up in the 70's and I guess that was still a time period where it was expected as a girl you would grow up, have a career, get married and have babies. I was a teenager in the 80's and some of my friends had babies but the idea never enticed me because I viewed them as being trapped.

When I got into a long term relationship with my now husband in my early 20's it just always seemed like something I had time to do later. My 30's came and went and I am now in my 40's and I have never felt the desire to be pregnant except for during the time I was pregnant at the age of 35 (I had a miscarriage). I planned to try to get pregnant again but within a couple of weeks I lost the desire. What I did struggle with for a couple of months after was depression. I am currently experiencing it off an on right now also.

I did have suicidal thoughts back then, but I attributed it to my job (911 operator). I haven't felt suicidal this time but I have had the urge to completely shake my life up. I have thought about my husband and I packing up and moving away and starting a whole new life.

I guess in my case I am depressed off and on because of my body trying to regulate it's hormone levels and find an equalibrium. I may be grieving my loss of fertility but I really don't feel like I am. It is a bit of a comfort to me to hear from someone else who has had a hysterectomy and hasn't had children by choice. I really hope you are feeling better. Please vent anytime you need to. You are also helping others who feel like you do.

Hi hlaoroo,

Thank you for your kind words. In a world populated by people with children is rare to find someone who opted not to have them and can see from this exact perspective. I love children... my nieces, nephews, and in spite of feeling ambivalent about having them when I was 38-39, I have being just fine with the decision not to have them.

My feeling of loss now has to do with the loss of vitality, of inner life force. It's very irrational! I do wonder however, if there is an unconscious, visceral feeling of loss because of losing the option to have children. But at my age I was not going to have them any way. That was settled!

Regarding having children, I feel that my rational side won over my biological/animal side. I saw children as a huge responsibility and a financial burden. I wasn't so sure I could take up the 'being-a-mom' project and keep my sanity –mostly when I saw family or friends with very challenging teenagers.

I'm convinced that my hormones are not in balance, and I'm taking steps to reach some stability. I have been using bioidentical progesterone cream. Perhaps as an effect, my emotions have calmed down. I haven't had mayor episodes of crying or feeling desolate. An occasional short-lived dip only!

Also my physical energy has improved and I have been able to exercise. Not with the same strength as pre-op, but at least I'm not completely wiped out after 2 laps around the block.

My libido is still 0 zero... I am into a book called The Hormone Diet by Natasha Turner. Very sensible advice. I hope diet and meditation can help on this aspect. I cannot imagine not enjoying sex for the rest of my life

At the moment, I have personal work projects that motivate and satisfy me and feel happy to be immersed in them, although we seem to live on the edge of financial cliff! I'm working for this situation to change as well...

So I'm plowing along... I think the sum of everything is more positive than negative and is going up.

Thank you again. Keep in touch!

Noche,

I am the queen of irrational. I had this irrational fear that even though I had a hysterectomy that my period would still keep coming. It had become such an ever present enitity in my life that I couldn't imagine any longer what it would be like to not have it.

I guess it is entirely possible that the two could be connected. Mentally the uterus is a symbol of life so losing it might make you feel as if your life energy is just a little dimmer. It really doesn't sound irrational at all. I was plagued with anemia for so long and had so little energy that now I feel so much better even with the bouts of depression.

Although if I put some thought into it's manifestation and wanting to run away and start a whole new life seems vaguely mid-lifish and therefore probably also related to the feeling of that inner life force being removed as well.

My libido was not good prior to surgery and I was terrified that it would be 0 after. Luckily it seems to be returning. We haven't tried yet, I am only 5 weeks out yet and my husband said he is going to let me make the call if I am ready next week.

I hope that the diet works out for you. Keep us updated. I have heard hormones are all over the board after surgery.