If you are childless, can we talk?

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Originally Posted by NOLASaintsfan I have to agree with those who have already pointed out that children aren't necessary for a meaningful life. When I was in my 20s and 30s, I didn't want to have kids! I'm 54, never had children, and had the hysterectomy just a week ago. I've thought just a little about the fact that the possibility is now gone, but wouldn't exchange the route I took for anything! Chin up, stay strong... my thoughts and prayers to all those here that are experiencing grief for the loss of those children never had.

Thank you, NOLA. What wonderful and wise words shared. I almost there with you, still have a tiny bit more to go! Hugs!

It's like reading a personal diary of feelings that are said by others but felt inside. As others, I never had kids. My first marriage was one of abuse ... mental more than physical but he cheated on me for many years. It took several of those years for me to gather enough backbone to leave. During those years, I vouched to NEVER bring a child into that relationship. I was barely surviving, how could i defend another? Finally, after 13yrs of abuse and being stepped on, I found the necessary courage to leave. His words: we were never a family. Only roommates. You'll NEVER be a Mother to anyone.

Well, I took those words and tried to bury them into my soul so that I wouldn't hurt. Thought of my marriage as a death and tried to move on. Years later, I did remarry. My current husband is opposite my first in every way. He was also divorced with a 3yr old (now 15). Seeing how tough it was for her to go thru the divorce, he wasn't against having kids but not rushed either. Given what had happened to me, I was slow on true trust that it wouldn't happen again.

Time passed and careers happened. We'd meet new people and they'd ask about "our" kids. He'd get to praise about his daughter ... I would just be silent. My jackies (2 jack russell terriers) became my world. Occasionally he'd talk about having a family but it always felt like it was more out of pity for me vs a true desire. The subject would die as quickly as it was approached. It never felt real or true. I found the hateful words of my ex creeping into my mind a lot...

Flash forward to last year when my back really started hurting. After nine months of back pain with no help from physical therapy, injections or chiropractic care, an ultrasound was ordered. The results combined with my annual exam confirmed fibroids & non-mobile uterus. Hysterectomy was discussed and within 2 months, finalized on June 12th.

It all seemed to happen so fast and with everyone telling me "do it - it'll only get worse." Of course, those saying that were ones who HAD their families already, or my husband who had a daughter, or my Mom who had her kids, or my friend who was already in menopause, or a friend who had a hyster but had cancer. Not a single person I talked to or knew had one with never having a child. They didn't understand this was final. Didn't understand that grief. Even had one "friend" tell me she was done with having babies but would never want a hyster because without her womb, she'd feel less than a woman. Really? Thanks.. that helps.

So now that I'm 4 weeks post-op, the tears of grief haven't stopped because now I hear the words of my Ex ringing "you'll never be a Mother" over and over. He was wrong on so many things ... but now he's right on this one.

It's just hard when my brother has a 3yr old my Mom will drop anything (or plans with me) to care for. When my in-laws all have 2-3 grandkids so they visit them vs us because we don't have a kid in the house. When my husband gets to boast about how his daughter is doing this or that in school at her Mom's. While I've been in her world for 12years now, I'm still "the Step" and treated as such unless she needs something (she didn't even ask how my surgery went or call me for my birthday).

When I will never hear anyone call me Mom or know the joy & sorrow of that word. Paws are great comforts, but they can't talk...

I know that life doesn't end with this ... that a new chapter will start. It's just a long struggle to open the book.

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Originally Posted by 2Jackies It's like reading a personal diary of feelings that are said by others but felt inside. As others, I never had kids. My first marriage was one of abuse ... mental more than physical but he cheated on me for many years. It took several of those years for me to gather enough backbone to leave. During those years, I vouched to NEVER bring a child into that relationship. I was barely surviving, how could i defend another? Finally, after 13yrs of abuse and being stepped on, I found the necessary courage to leave. His words: we were never a family. Only roommates. You'll NEVER be a Mother to anyone. Well, I took those words and tried to bury them into my soul so that I wouldn't hurt. Thought of my marriage as a death and tried to move on. Years later, I did remarry. My current husband is opposite my first in every way. He was also divorced with a 3yr old (now 15). Seeing how tough it was for her to go thru the divorce, he wasn't against having kids but not rushed either. Given what had happened to me, I was slow on true trust that it wouldn't happen again. Time passed and careers happened. We'd meet new people and they'd ask about "our" kids. He'd get to praise about his daughter ... I would just be silent. My jackies (2 jack russell terriers) became my world. Occasionally he'd talk about having a family but it always felt like it was more out of pity for me vs a true desire. The subject would die as quickly as it was approached. It never felt real or true. I found the hateful words of my ex creeping into my mind a lot... Flash forward to last year when my back really started hurting. After nine months of back pain with no help from physical therapy, injections or chiropractic care, an ultrasound was ordered. The results combined with my annual exam confirmed fibroids & non-mobile uterus. Hysterectomy was discussed and within 2 months, finalized on June 12th. It all seemed to happen so fast and with everyone telling me "do it - it'll only get worse." Of course, those saying that were ones who HAD their families already, or my husband who had a daughter, or my Mom who had her kids, or my friend who was already in menopause, or a friend who had a hyster but had cancer. Not a single person I talked to or knew had one with never having a child. They didn't understand this was final. Didn't understand that grief. Even had one "friend" tell me she was done with having babies but would never want a hyster because without her womb, she'd feel less than a woman. Really? Thanks.. that helps. So now that I'm 4 weeks post-op, the tears of grief haven't stopped because now I hear the words of my Ex ringing "you'll never be a Mother" over and over. He was wrong on so many things ... but now he's right on this one. It's just hard when my brother has a 3yr old my Mom will drop anything (or plans with me) to care for. When my in-laws all have 2-3 grandkids so they visit them vs us because we don't have a kid in the house. When my husband gets to boast about how his daughter is doing this or that in school at her Mom's. While I've been in her world for 12years now, I'm still "the Step" and treated as such unless she needs something (she didn't even ask how my surgery went or call me for my birthday). When I will never hear anyone call me Mom or know the joy & sorrow of that word. Paws are great comforts, but they can't talk... I know that life doesn't end with this ... that a new chapter will start. It's just a long struggle to open the book.

Oh 2Jackies, gentle hugs and love and light being sent your way... I'm so sorry. Our stories are different, some lines strike a similar chord. My husband and I, even this surgery, all on our own. But my in laws will drop everything for the grand kids. I had to pay for the pet sitter when we were away for my surgery. No one assists us but there is always the saying, whether it be at my job or personal life, "well, they have kids" as if our lives are so easy. At work, all one has to do is run off and drop everything if " the kids get sick" or the kids " have a game, school project, etc." I'm sick of having to overcompensate because I don't have kids! We get the short end for sure. Nuff of my venting. As far as you being less of a woman, bullcrap. We were less when we had no energy and our uterus prevented us from living a fun life! I feel more sexy now than before, I even think I look younger without the baggage of pain written across my face each day. Hugs to you, sis. It gets better, trust me.

You might have left your ex long ago, but he is still having an impact. Mental abuse lasts longer than physical because the wounds never show and we tend to keep them hidden. Have had some personal experience with this, am guessing not even near your level.

I totally get the no one ever visits because we don't have kids in the house. I don't know the last time my dad "visited", yet he is always at my sisters who happens to have four children. Good and bad as my father is the source of the mental abuse for both my sister and I. Made some inroads in that, but still hurts that I am not important enough to come see just for myself. I can say all the positive words and try all the positive thoughts, but at the end of the day, you are right, no one will call me mom unless something drastic happens. If you have read our previous posts you know my feelings about an organ making us women. It can't. Know some great women that lost that organ very early in their lives and it sure doesn't make them less of who they are. We can't let it make us less of who we are either.

Don't discount the paws. Notice my username as well. Dogs are a huge part of my life and I truly believe they understand and communicate much better than humans. I help teach 4-H dog obedience and usually can figure out what the dogs are going to do way before the kids. Mine, a 14 year golden retriever, HATES when I cry. She goes and sits at the door until I stop and then comes to comfort me. They might not be able to talk, but boy are they loyal and loving. They won't tell us "You can't make me" .

I know am using, or trying, humor, but it is either that or cry. Am tired of crying and as my date gets closer and more real need to keep positive and know that I won't change just because I am loosing an organ that didn't do anything but cause me problems. Even more important I can't let people treat me different because I lost an organ.

One note on dogs. I love my two pups a great deal. The little girl has been through everything with me. She is such a comfort and so intelligent. She bobs her head up and down and back and forth trying so hard to understand what I say! If she could talk, I can only imagine what she would say! And, I am sick of the people who tease childless folks and their dogs. As if, we welcome the teasing or ridicule for not owning children. And. The most important decision I ever made was not trying to have children until I felt in my heart that I would be fully dedicated to the role. Even though this delay resulted in my miscarrying and not getting the opportunity to be a mom, at least I did not take on a job that I see so many women do who are not ready and take it out on their children through resentment and mind games!

I do not have children. A week after my husband and I decided to due the hysterectomy due to severe pain from Endometriosis and PCOS we found out my sister was pregnant. I was able to put all this aside and be there during her bed rest from Preeclampsia and Gestational Diabetes. I was there when my niece was born. She recently said she just wants to keep popping babies till she can't. I think she is going to end up killing herself. On top of this my husband and I found out that multiple couples are pregnant with their first child. We are grieving that we will never feel the excitement of a bio child. We are trying to be happy but it hurts. The salt on the wound is that we weren't even in the conversation about a guardian because we didn't have kids.

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Originally Posted by goldensrus Don't discount the paws. Notice my username as well. Dogs are a huge part of my life and I truly believe they understand and communicate much better than humans. They might not be able to talk, but boy are they loyal and loving.

My jackies are my world .... My oldest Jackie Ojo was the face of MilkBone in 2005. She is my best companion and play time girl. My baby Jackie Roo (who was my nurse Jackie for 2 weeks post-op) has severe fear based aggression. They are separated 24/7 by gates or leashes (with Roo tied off as the aggressor). Usually, I'd carry Ojo and we can all be together but until I'm cleared post-op, they can't be in the same room with me until my husband is home.

100% agree that paws are healers. My cocker spaniel Sache and kitty Squirty that I had during my first marriage were constant companions for me in times of need and sadness. My Jackies have not disappointed me with the love and care they provide ...

[quote=jlfehrn77;3815441]I do not have children. A week after my husband and I decided to due the hysterectomy due to severe pain from Endometriosis and PCOS we found out my sister was pregnant. I was able to put all this aside and be there during her bed rest from Preeclampsia and Gestational Diabetes. I was there when my niece was born. She recently said she just wants to keep popping babies till she can't. I think she is going to end up killing herself. On top of this my husband and I found out that multiple couples are pregnant with their first child. We are grieving that we will never feel the excitement of a bio child. We are trying to be happy but it hurts. The salt on the wound is that we weren't even in the conversation about a guardian because we didn't have kids.[/QUOTE

Oh, I know, life is ironic at times. I wonder if we are being made stronger at times like you described. My cousin got pregnant a week after I did but I miscarried early at three weeks. At work, when I made the decision to have the hysterecomy, the girl who works for me told me she was pregnant. We would share common complaints of running to the restroom to pee all the time; hers due to the obvious and mine due to huge uterus. People can be so unsympathetic too. They just dont care if it is shoved in your face. Maybe, they think I'm over it all. In many ways, I am; however, in others, I will never be. Hugs!

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Originally Posted by 2Jackies My jackies are my world .... My oldest Jackie Ojo was the face of MilkBone in 2005. She is my best companion and play time girl. My baby Jackie Roo (who was my nurse Jackie for 2 weeks post-op) has severe fear based aggression. They are separated 24/7 by gates or leashes (with Roo tied off as the aggressor). Usually, I'd carry Ojo and we can all be together but until I'm cleared post-op, they can't be in the same room with me until my husband is home. 100% agree that paws are healers. My cocker spaniel Sache and kitty Squirty that I had during my first marriage were constant companions for me in times of need and sadness. My Jackies have not disappointed me with the love and care they provide ...

Aww! So true! They provide total unconditional love and they know what good moms we are.

I am so glad I went through our struggles with infertility before the Facebook age. It was bad enough trying to hide all the crying I did at the time. It's been over a decade now since hope died. But I still get a little saddened to see all the photos of happy pregnant ladies and young families. Not that I'm not happy for them and like seeing the cuteness... But it makes me feel again that I've missed a major life experience. Yes, there are compensations, but it's not really something one "gets over," any more than the loss of beloved family members. One lives with it, as there is no alternative, and the pain is less sharp.