Romance in the time of Endo...Can I ever love again?(warning:suidcide mentions& long)

Hello Sisters-
I hope I am posting this in the right place and since I have yet to have a hyst surgery (it's likely but unscheduled as of yet) I hope it's alright that I'm posting at all, since I realize so many women here have suffered so much more than myself.
First some backstory(sorry for the length): I am 24 and have suffered increasingly terrible endo pain,migraines,depression,and IBS for the last 6 years and was just recently(a couple months ago) diagnosed after laproscopic surgery. I was engaged to my hgihschool sweetheart and the love of my life for 3 of the 4 years we were together and began to develop terrible symptoms like a ton of bricks-all of the above listed problems, all at once. I am mostly bedridden,live my life on painkillers, spend so much time with a heating pad on it has burned/scarred my abdomen, and spend most of my day in the bathroom. I cannot hold down and outside job,go to school or do housework.
When all of this hit me with my ex fiance, I could barely ever see him because if I did he pressured me for sex even though I would cry during it-in fact, he enjoyed it when I cried. When we broke up he dissappeared on me and I found out he'd been cheating on me and basically living a complete other life, down to even speaking and writing differently! Then he re-appeared 6 months later after not so much as a good bye, stalking me, hacking me computer, ruinging my art (we had a band together) and lying about me in his blog, saying that I was never sick at all! It devastated me,I had a nervous breakdown and ended up trying to commit suicide.
All this is after my first serious bf who beat me and put me down constantly, brainwashing me that I was ugly and no one else would want me by making me watch hours of pornography and comparing my body to the porn star's saying how much better looking than me they were in minute and graphic detail, and always being angry at me for being sick.
My most recent boyfriend who I broke up with a few months ago,knew all of my problems before I ever moved in (he wanted me to, it was his idea!)and yet that is what we ended up breaking up over! He was always full of rage and very cold and the sicker and more unhappy I became, the more detatched and angry he became,not even allowing me to touch him. He sat right next to me while I cried and cut myself,happily cheering on a football game one sunday and watched me go from a healthy 100lb(I'm very petite) to a very unhealthy 85lbs without a word. In the end he became violent and cruel towards me, I had to ask his permission for everything and I lived in fear of angering him, which only made my condition worse. He too, never really believed me that I was ill and often stole my pain medication.
Since leaving him I have come to a point where I am flirting with and having fun with men again, but I am afraid. Each one of them wants me exclusively which I am not ready for. I find I am not even ready for the most casual date or sexual encounter as each time one of them asks me out I am too sick, even though I'd love to go and am dying to be touched. They constantly want to talk to me, get extremely upset if I can't, and often say that I'm home all day so why can't I talk to them, even after I explain that I (embarassingly) have to be in the bathroom for long periods of time, am in too much pain or have a migraine so terrible I cannot look at my phone or computer screen to text/chat. I don't know what to do-how to explain my pain/life to them in a way that won't offend them and still get some time to myself to just rest. I'm also terrified because I'm lonely and ***** but I'm just afraid of liking a man too much and getting attatched as I am of sex without emotion and getting used like a blow-up doll, with the added fear of being percieved as a slut if I do learn to enjoy a casual sex life.
Also surgery and a heating pad have badly scarred my abdomen making me even more self conscious(I am also anorexic)of taking my clothes off in front of anyone than I was before.
I apologize for the length of this but I feel I had to explain why I have such low self esteem and real terror of relationships when I am so afflicted with health problems. Does/has anyone else here experienced similar problems/feelings? I am so scared,I cannot think about romance without scolding myself for knowing I can't have it because I'll get hurt or have a sexual fantasy without remembering the great sex my ex and I had and the physical pain that accompanied it from my endo or the violence and emotional pain that ended things. I could really use some support and advice.
Thanks to everyone in advance for their help and once again, I really hope I posted this in the right place and apologize if i didn't.

Sweetheart, where is your self love? Don't want to sound mean, but I DO want to sound like a caring mother. You NEED to START caring for yourself. First, please put men aside. Second, I am hoping your surgery is covering all these physical issues you are having? You are young and have so much to look forward to, such as opportunities that will come your way, in your work life, friendships, and eventually a good man. When you have taken cared of YOU to get you back to health and feeling good physically and mentally, you can start thinking about men. You are giving off the image of a wounded animal and once you open up to a man about your wounds they will pray on you just like in the jungles. Animals pray easily on the wounded ones. STOP IT! You are worth so much more so start convincing yourself of it. Right now, it's all about you the Divine Miss B. Write a list of goals to be made, such as start eating healthy today, stop contacting or going out to meet men, get prepared for your surgery, have your surgery, recover with healthy foods and rest. Let God help you out too. Pray to Him that you are given strength and that He protects you. BTW, this is not a religious thing but He is there so you might as well recognize it so He can help. When you have finally come back to the a healthy, happy little girl, you can find a good job, and this doesn't mean one that makes you rich, but one with decent people where you feel safe. Now you are healthy, happy about yourself, and have an income beside good people, so you feel secure. Now you are ready for a good man, a lifetime partner. You don't tell him your sad awful stories. You are perfection from a happy past and current life, and you will attract that type of man. You will dress attractive and sexy but not slutty. You do not have to wear itsy bitsy skirts or low cut blouses to look sexy. Those just tell men you are looking for sex, you want to tell men you are independent, healthy, and **** sexy. You show sexiness by the way you carry yourself as as a independent and happy woman who knows a secret. This secret is you have conquered your past and have learned form it today and not when you're 50! You wear form fitting clothes but not overly tight, buttoned up blouses that fit right and buttoned just before anything shows. And again, it is all in the way you carry yourself. The losers you've been with wouldn't have the balls to approach a woman like that, cause they are weak animals praying on the weaker animals. Pleeease care for yourself. Good Luck, and God Bless.

You have been through more than most people and need lots of time to heal emotionally and physically it sound slike. I have had some of you issues and can say that you are better than this and should focus on oyur self for a while and not worry about men. You need some time before you can think about having another realtionship. You DO need to start a relationship with yourself and love yourself for a while Miss B.

It also sounds like you may need to re think the doctors you are seeing or go back and talk with them about a way to stop the 6 years you have of taking pain killers. Taking heavy pain meds can cause depression and IBS, they end up making you sick and you can build up tolerance, and don't always help with migraines anyway. A good neurologist could recommend lots of different meds and help. I have been told by 2 neurologists that I should never take pain meds and they went through lots of different cocktails if you will of meds until we found what worked. Please think about that and talk openly with your doctors until you find a better solution please.

Hun you can get through this! You just need to be nice to your self, pamper yourself for a while, stay strong and start taking some steps down a brighter path. Don't give up!

Take Care...

Scorp, I couldn't have said it any better! I totally agree that you have to think about yourself first and foremost. You have to respect yourself. I've never understood the idea of "casual sex". Sex is meant as a way to show love, how can you have "no strings attached" sex? If you are merely looking for sexual pleasure, then do it yourself. Atleast that way, you aren't putting the image out there of being easy. The right man is out there, and you don't want to have to tell him you have been with however many different partners. Stop looking for your self worth in other people, especially men. Find who YOU are, figure out what YOU like and what makes YOU happy. I hope you can find yourself in all of this, and eventually look back at this moment and smile.

Hello TheDivineMissB,
I want to first say that Jesus loves you, He's just waiting on you to love yourself. You recognize that you have low self esteem, and unfortunately so does the creeps that you attract. I can't say that they are men because real men won't treat you like that. We teach people how to treat us. If we allow them to walk up the front of us and down the back, that's surely what they'll do. Don't give men or anyone that much power over you.

You have to first work on you. Your self worth is not measured by a man, especially one that does not recognize your value, but how can they, if you don't show them your value. You value and worth is not between your legs. That's what these guys want you to think. Not true. You are wonderfully made by God and you are His daughter. You are meant to be here.

Jeremiah 29:11 reads
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Each one of these wonderful ladies have given you some excellent wisdom to think about and hopefully consider. Know that you are not alone. Many have been where you are. You don't know me from Adam, but I want you to know that I love you. Please learn to love and respect yourself. Others will have no choice but to follow suit

I've never been in a physically abusive relationship, but I've been in an emotional and verbally abusive one which is just as bad. I've had to learn to love myself and know that he treated me the way that I allowed him to. I had to learn that I am worthy and worth it and worth so much more and SO ARE YOU!!!

You are not meant to be stuck where you are. You are to take where you are now and learn from it, hope and build a better future. And You Will!!! Be TheDivineMissB!!

Please take care of yourself
Wanda

Miss B - that must have been hard to type! Just writing it all down takes courage and strength. Here is my story - I hope it helps in some small way to know you are not alone.

I have had endo, clinical PMS, migraines, and depression for years - starting when I was 8 - yes 8!! Let me tell you, heavy periods at that age are humiliating and awful. PMS and migraines at that age - no one believes it and there was little understanding or treatment at that time. I was never petite, I went the other way from you, very academic, very independent, very alone and very overweight. In my 20's I teaching preschool and kindergarten during the day - very respectable, and on weekends was in the bars, meeting men, craving approval, and never getting it the way I really deserved it. I thought I was really unlovable. Thank goodness nothing really bad happened. When I think of the risks I took it is really scary.

When I was 27 I quit drinking, but still went dancing regularly with friends, and went back to church regularly. It was almost like I had two lives - but the depression and PMS and bleeding ruled it all though. I saw many doctors, but none really helped and I gave up on the medical system when they did a lap and found nothing, even though I knew it was there. I just lived in **ll. They flat out refused to do a hysterectomy at that time. Apparently it was all in my head. No one treated the depression or migraines either. I gave up trying to get 2nd, 3rd, 4th opinions.

Finally, at 33 after becoming 'queen of the first date', I decided to **ll with this, I am tired of it. I thought about ending it all, thought about how to make changes etc. felt like I had tried everything. (remember this is my story and I am not saying do what I did - just use it for support and inspiration). I decided to join a dating site, (I am Christian and decided to join a dedicated site) and was brutally honest about myself, my weight, my issues, etc. I began thinking of myself first. I DECIDED I WAS WORTH IT. I had to make this a conscious decision everyday - I AM WORTH IT. I thought I was looking for someone who could love me in spite of everything. Surprise, he showed up less than 2 months later - the honesty and taking care of myself made the difference.

I am now 42 and have now been married almost 8 years to a man who loves everything about me - he loves me for who I am NOT in spite of it all. He loves me through the pain, the severe PMS, the bleeding, the messy sheets, and everything. I am not sure why, but he also seriously thinks I am the sexiest woman in the world (no, I didn't lose the weight but keep working on it and being healthy) I ended up waiting for my hyster until this year, and was blessed with a miracle baby in the meantime, but honestly, I was ready for a hyster years ago, they would not perform it because of my age. I would have done it and asked for it even. My DH accepted it right away - whatever to help me.

My hysterectomy was June 20 and they did find endo covering my ovaries! I was not surprised at all. I did manage to keep them, but they took the uterus and tubes. I am looking forward to living without pads! (and my DH is looking forward to everything!!)

Bottom line - you have to make peace with yourself and take care of yourself before someone can love you for who you are. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Every day I thank my lucky stars that I stepped back and was honest about myself and took care of myself. I am still on meds for my migraines and depression, but every day seems a little brighter. My DH was worth waiting for and I learned alot about helping others due to all I went through. Even now though, I have to remind myself that I am worth it on a daily basis. Some insecurities take longer to heal than others. I am still waiting for back surgery to fuse three vertebrae but am trying to take that in stride.

Take a step back and read your first entry the way you would read it if it was someone else. What would you tell them? Talk to friends, find a dr. who can support you and take time for yourself because you are worth it .

Everyone who answered my post-thank you,so very much, from the bottom of my heart. It's a long and depressing post and none of you knowing me personally, you didn't have to care, and put so much time and thought into your answers but you did and that means alot to me. After so many years, my whole life really, feeling and being told that I'm not good enough, I've come to believe it myself. But all of you are right, I am worth more than that and it's time I started treating myself, and making others treat me like it!
Rover-actually, I've been dealing with health problems and terribly heavy, painful periods with PMS and migraines since I turned 10! So yes, I know how weird,painful and embarassing starting young is too and I share your suffering.
I am just so thankful to have found this site and all of these kind women that I am proud to call my sisters!
Much love to everyone-I will be taking your advice! xoxoxo

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Originally Posted by TheDivineMissB Everyone who answered my post-thank you,so very much, from the bottom of my heart. It's a long and depressing post and none of you knowing me personally, you didn't have to care, and put so much time and thought into your answers but you did and that means alot to me. After so many years, my whole life really, feeling and being told that I'm not good enough, I've come to believe it myself. But all of you are right, I am worth more than that and it's time I started treating myself, and making others treat me like it! Rover-actually, I've been dealing with health problems and terribly heavy, painful periods with PMS and migraines since I turned 10! So yes, I know how weird,painful and embarassing starting young is too and I share your suffering. I am just so thankful to have found this site and all of these kind women that I am proud to call my sisters! Much love to everyone-I will be taking your advice! xoxoxo

Good to hear sweetie !!!!
One day at a time. Love yourself a little more each day. It's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.