If you are childless, can we talk?

Learned something at my doctor's appointment today that I am not sure how to react. Had my almost 2 week follow up and have been having a pain and low grade temp since the surgery. Asked the doctor about both and he thinks the pain is a muscle irritated from surgery, not something internal which relieves my mind, but more worried about my temp. Went on to take labs, but it was what was in my path report that threw me for a loop. Said, in passing actually, that turns out I had chronic endometretis, which is basically a chronic infection of the uterus. Knew I had issues with this with an IUD when I had it in, but didn't know was still going on. After looking it up, turns out even if I hadn't had a hysterectomy, the chance of me ever being pregnant was almost nil due to this. Usually causes infertility in the chronic form. Not sure if it makes it easier or harder. Hate that a decision a doctor pushed on me and then wouldnt believe me when I said something was wrong took away even the possibility of ever being pregnant. Then go back and say was having problems then and that doctor was pushing for the hyster a long time ago. Like I said, makes me confused. So mad that a doctors inability to listen to me caused my issues and maybe my continual problems with white blood count, have been tested for just about everything due to that lately. But yet can't go back a few years and fix that so there really wasnt any reason NOT to have the hyster now. Knew I could put this here and you would understand my struggle. More mad than sad right now. Didn't get my entire path as doctor worried about the temp so am assuming nothing else bad, but as I have said been dealing with things like this for awhile so not something new for me, just for him.

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Originally Posted by goldensrus Learned something at my doctor's appointment today that I am not sure how to react. Had my almost 2 week follow up and have been having a pain and low grade temp since the surgery. Asked the doctor about both and he thinks the pain is a muscle irritated from surgery, not something internal which relieves my mind, but more worried about my temp. Went on to take labs, but it was what was in my path report that threw me for a loop. Said, in passing actually, that turns out I had chronic endometretis, which is basically a chronic infection of the uterus. Knew I had issues with this with an IUD when I had it in, but didn't know was still going on. After looking it up, turns out even if I hadn't had a hysterectomy, the chance of me ever being pregnant was almost nil due to this. Usually causes infertility in the chronic form. Not sure if it makes it easier or harder. Hate that a decision a doctor pushed on me and then wouldnt believe me when I said something was wrong took away even the possibility of ever being pregnant. Then go back and say was having problems then and that doctor was pushing for the hyster a long time ago. Like I said, makes me confused. So mad that a doctors inability to listen to me caused my issues and maybe my continual problems with white blood count, have been tested for just about everything due to that lately. But yet can't go back a few years and fix that so there really wasnt any reason NOT to have the hyster now. Knew I could put this here and you would understand my struggle. More mad than sad right now. Didn't get my entire path as doctor worried about the temp so am assuming nothing else bad, but as I have said been dealing with things like this for awhile so not something new for me, just for him.

Hello, I totally understand your frustration. I experienced some of this with my former doc. I realized after looking at my pathology report that I prolonged my decision due to trying to get pregnant - something that I probably could not have done or at least carried at this point. I wish he would have been more direct. Well, I guess all we can go is accept and move forward. Hugs

WOW!!! Getting caught up on the threads I started following and I find all these amazing showings of strength, humour and raw emotions!

@Lotus51: SO glad that you have decided to get your ring and are on a hunt for a really sparkly one!!! Enjoy it when you get it!!! I have not gotten one yet but am thinking of something with a pink stone to signify that I am no less a girl after this has all passed and of course it will have the inscribed words that I shared at the start of this thread!!

Had a really rough run at work over 2 weeks with me pre-op appointment in the middle. It was rough. Nearly lost it in the doc's office. It was sooooo hard seeing all the pregnant bellies and when a brand new baby in for a check started crying so did I. I ended up waiting in the building's hallway until it was my turn. I just couldn't hold it in. I could barely read the consent form through my tears after talking to the doc. I have no idea how I am going to cope going back for my 2 week check after my surgery!!!!!
Right now I am in a phase where I am listening to my head and the heart is quiet ( sanity saver) I am just trying to enjoy my holiday time.
Hope all is well with everyone here!

@Golden: I'm so sorry. I know the pain you feel. I had endometriosis and I knew my chances were not good for child bearing. 3 docs over 15 years told me I should have a hysterectomy. So don't be so sure you would've had one anyway had you known. I had docs tell me to my face, and my maternal mind just wouldn't accept it. Doesn't make it any easier no matter which way we end up at this point. With all the medical malpractice lawsuits now, I really think it has caused our medical providers to be too cautious in what they say to us. I'm glad I did it now. I think I would have held my hysterectomy and now permanent inability to conceive against my Doc, too, had I done it all those years ago. At 2 weeks, I was still not in a good place mentally. Now I'm almost 8 weeks and I'm at peace FINALLY. I hope you get there, too. Keep grieving and keep getting mad. You are acknowledging what is and although painful, I really believe you will be where I am. I feel it in my heart. We're here for everything you got. Bring it, sister! I ain't going nowhere.

@GDlovelife: I'm sorry you had it, too. Scary how similar we all are in our health histories. All of our paths led to here. How blessed I feel to know you all. I'm in such a good place. Got my ring! It lifted my soul even higher. My hubby said, "Merry Christmas! It's Christmas in July. You look beautiful!" Wow! :-)

@Vampire queen: I like what pink will signify for you in a ring! I absolutely love it. And I know how hard it is to go to the doctor and just have the reminder of kids all over the place. It's horrible. At your two week, you will still be sensitive. I know I was. It was so hard for me to think that our docs are so clueless as to how many of us there are out there. I thought I was the only one until this thread. I opened my mouth before, but as usual, even my docs and their staff just looked through me as if I wasn't there. It hurt so bad. I had to go back in at 7 weeks to have a suture site looked at. My doc was on vacay, so I got his female partner and her side of the office has floor to ceiling pictures of all the babies she has delivered wallpapered on all walls in all of her patient rooms and a saying on the ceiling about the blessing of children. So laying down, there's still no peace. If that would have happened to me before my surgery, I probably would have made some comment that they would have shrugged off as a pity statement, but that day, I shopped online for my ring until the doc got there and just giggled at the total ridiculousness of it to myself. What a change from just 5 weeks before.

So you do what you have to do, feel what you want. The only person who will "consider" you is you. Honor your beautiful spirit. It still loves you whether you are happy or sad. I hope you get where I am today. I have never been so peaceful. If you need, we're here. Vent away. There's no judgment on this thread!

Just now getting to the grief part because I lost my job, my apartment, a couple family members AND my uterus in the past 18 months. Ive been pretty numb, just trying to power through. Recently, I had a chance to just sit still and think and all I could do was cry!

I come from a very fertile family. My first cousins are grandmothers! I have one aunt who keeps telling me to "just" adopt, I want to strangle her.

I go back and forth between anger and sadness. The REASON why I did all the other stuff (education, career, stable housing, etc) was so I could have a family. Im very blessed. I wanted to share the blessings with children from my own body. Now I have no plans. Just looks like several decades of empty and lonely.

Thanks for listening.

Hi,

I'm sched'd for my LAVH toomorrow. I am 46 yo and have been with my sig other (really like werre are married) since we were 15 yo. Never had kids and I totally agree with you. What hurts is when somebody justtold me a month ago - oh nothing against you but you don't have kids so youwould not know what goes on with any part of children and actually having them. Well, I do have 15 nieces and I have been getting comments like that my whole life.
Dx adenomyosis, dysfunctional uterine bleeding left ovarian cyst with PMHx of kidney stones

If it was meant for me to have kids - god would have let me - for this time I try to enjoy my nieces and nephews. Stay strong!!!

@Chezniki and Angelkake: I'm so sorry to both of you for your pain and the loss. It really is a loss that no one but those of us who have been through can understand. As I am sure you have read, I struggled with it for a very long time. I'm 51. My biggest problem was I didn't know anyone who was unable to have kids but me and it was all so hush hush. I was just so clammed up about it and walking around the biggest fake you would ever know trying to be happy and just stuffing it away. I thought I had accepted the fact that I couldn't have kids. But, BAMMO! The hysterectomy made me face it again and it wasn't pretty. The sisters on this site have helped me so much. When I first posted this thread, I really wasn't expecting anything at all, and BOY WAS I WRONG!!! I hope you both get to the place where I am now. My mental state has been unpeaceful for 25 years. I am finally at peace and it's only because I got a chance to voice my feelings on here, without judgment. I had so many beautiful women come right behind me and share their stories. Such unselfishness. I could never repay them in a million years. I am no longer alone and neither are you. I'm staring at my beautiful canary yellow stone and am reminded of how far I have come in just a few months time through this site. Don't give up. I promise that there is healing to be done. Just take your time, feel what you need to and one day you'll get up and see the sun again. I promise. Peace and continued wellness to you always.

I'm only on my first day Post-Op and I'm still in a bit of a haze (yay for pain meds) but I know that there are some things that will start to effect me soon. Hopefully I'll recover from surgery and actually "be better". It's hard to say for sure since I was never really diagnosed with anything, just had things ruled out.

I'm 32, had been pregnant 3 times - 1 abortion and 2 miscarriages. I never really wanted to have children, so I'm not too bothered by the fact that I won't have them now. I'm single and haven't even been on a date in over 2 years, and yet I'm not overly bothered by that either. I still have a year of college to finish, and then law school, and then find a job and settle in - and who knows where in the world that will be.

I also belong to a church that (sadly) bases the worth of their women by the number of children they have and how they raise their families. I never really fit in with the rest of the women at church but this has really put it over the edge. Now I get those looks of pity and I just can't stand it. I want to scream at them and shake them until they understand but I know that it won't help. I'm tempted to just leave the church. I've never needed someone to define my beliefs for me. I just wish that more people understood that whether by choice or design, if I am not a mother it doen't make me any less worthy than them.

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Originally Posted by Crystal B I also belong to a church that (sadly) bases the worth of their women by the number of children they have and how they raise their families. I never really fit in with the rest of the women at church but this has really put it over the edge. Now I get those looks of pity and I just can't stand it. I want to scream at them and shake them until they understand but I know that it won't help. I'm tempted to just leave the church. I've never needed someone to define my beliefs for me. I just wish that more people understood that whether by choice or design, if I am not a mother it doen't make me any less worthy than them.

Lets try this again, hit a button and it went away.

Wasn't sure how I wanted to respond, but knew I had to. First, glad that your recent surgery, by the way good luck on your recovery , hasn't changed your feelings. Don't be surprised if that changes in the first few weeks of your recovery. This surgery seems to bring all emotions to the front and magnifies them. Laughing one minute, crying the next and over things that didn't bother you a few days before.

What I really wanted to address was your comment on your church's belief that being a mother and the number of children you have measures your worth. That breaks my heart as I just today received a get well card from my church signed by multiple people who could care less how many or even if I have children. I am, basically, the only organist for the church and played for the first time today for a funeral. So many people expressed their happiness that I was back and doing well, no pitying glances among them. And yes, some did and some did not know what type of surgery I had, but I know deep in my heart, it wouldnt matter to them at all. Please believe that your ability or non ability to have children should have nothing to do with your worth. As you said, no one needs to define your beliefs for you.

I am glad that seem strong in your feelings and beliefs, but sad that it doesn't seem that there is anyone to help support you. Keep posting, and we can give you that unconditional support that just because you don't have children doesnt makes you less somehow, we totally get that

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Originally Posted by goldensrus What I really wanted to address was your comment on your church's belief that being a mother and the number of children you have measures your worth. That breaks my heart as I just today received a get well card from my church signed by multiple people who could care less how many or even if I have children. I am, basically, the only organist for the church and played for the first time today for a funeral. So many people expressed their happiness that I was back and doing well, no pitying glances among them. And yes, some did and some did not know what type of surgery I had, but I know deep in my heart, it wouldnt matter to them at all. Please believe that your ability or non ability to have children should have nothing to do with your worth. As you said, no one needs to define your beliefs for you. I am glad that seem strong in your feelings and beliefs, but sad that it doesn't seem that there is anyone to help support you. Keep posting, and we can give you that unconditional support that just because you don't have children doesnt makes you less somehow, we totally get that

It's unfortunately just something I've come to realize about my church. I'm always going to be the one that stands out because I would rather have a career than be a mom. I'm also the "freak" with the tattoos, the slacker that doesn't always make it to 9am services, and the unworthy one because I don't want to conform. This is just something else that I'm going to have to add to the list.

I'm a Latter-Day Saint and for a church who fights to maintain its christianity, we seem to be really bad at showing even the basic respect at times to each other. And women are measured by how many kids they have and how well they keep the house. Hopefully this is changing and modernizing but I'm still seeing these girls who are so much younger than me walking away from a chance to really do something with their life to stay at home having a kid every other year.

And I was picky with who I chose to tell what kind of surgery I was having done because I simply didn't want to answer all of the questions. But it doesn't change the fact that I do go sit most weeks for 3 hours of services watching women 10 years younger than me who have a whole gaggle of kids, it doesn't change how everyone else looks at me. I really think I don't I even want to be a part of the church anymore - not just because of this, this just puts things over the top.