The good, the bad and the ugly - just need to vent

Almost 3 weeks post op dvh. Stuck at the moment and just needed to get things out....

The good - no more gushing fountain down there, no more huge clots passing that scared me to death, no more trying to find the right doctor, waiting for the surgery, imagining all the wrong things happenining. DH spent the first 2 weeks with me, taking care of whatever I needed, and this whole experience has brought us so much closer. I'm extremely independent, and having to rely on him made him feel good and I think made me realize that we are stronger when I let us work as a team. So yea for all those things.. and for the first time since I was 16 years old, I've been off work for 3 weeks straight as of today... that's really a weird feeling, but also a nice break. I read the news, see things that would be impacting my work day, and just sit back and smile, thinking, yep, I'm not having to deal with this. (Sure there will be residual when I get back, but for now, it's someone else's problem to solve)

The bad - I'm already beyond sick of this whole recovering thing... I have a horse, and was just switching from jumping to dressage when i started having problems last year. Dressage has you using your lower back, your stomach, your hips and legs to move the horse, and though I wasn't an every single day rider, I was trying to get rides in as often as possible, and then I gave into the pain and slowly backed off riding until my last ride was only a 10 minute walk, around thanksgiving. God I regret that now, I was in pain whether I sat on the couch or not, I wish I had just pushed and rode more often leading up to the surgery because now I feel like I'm a new born baby having to build new muscles. My feet flipping hurt after too much walking, MY FEET!!!!! let alone everything else. I cannot figure out the darn line in the sand, I try to walk, but either I do too little or too much. I can't find the balance to help myself recover properly. Then like an idiot, I took the recycle bin out to the curb yesterday morning (it only had soda cans, so it didn't feel like it was more than picking up my purse) but I ended up throwing out my lower back completely. So now, my stomach muscles are crap from the surgery, my back is crap and I'm stuck, no matter how I try to move, sit, lay, I'm in agony!!!! Trying to walk is like a game of darts aimed at all parts of my body, depending on where I shift my weight, something ends up stabbing with pain.

The ugly - the mood swings. Thats the worst. DH hit his limit this past weekend, and it wasn't pretty for either of us. My friends made some insensitive jokes about my time in the hospital and it was all I could do not to bust out in tears in front of a large group of people and now I can't even bring myself to call them, I'm still just spinning on that. I'm trying, (after the blow out with DH) to put on a smile when he gets home from work and try to talk about anything but the pain, but then I feel like I'm isolating myself again, and pushing him out.

I know things will get better, with time. But patience is not a virtue I have. At the moment, all I want is a nice hot shower and something to take my mind off everything, but I'm scared to try to shower home alone in case I fall with my back so out of whack, and I think I've watched every tv show and movie I am even remotely interested in, I've reread almost all my books, and so I am just stuck.

I know things seem really bad right now , but it does get better ! It just takes time . All of us sisters have delt with and are still dealing with some of the things u mentioned. Did ur dr prescribe any pain meds for the pain that ur in ? It's ok to be emotional it comes with this surgery. There are days I'm emotional 2 ! But I don't let it get me down. Did you have ur ovaries removed too ? That could be the cause too. All of us sisters are here for you any time ! Good luck to you happy healing !

Thanks Angeleyes, no I kept both my ovaries, but one of them was being swallowed by my fibriod monster uteras, so doc said it took a while to cut it free. He said that it wasn't permanently damaged and told me that I would have been fine to remove it, and leave just the one ovary but since i told him in pre op not to take my ovaries unless I was going to die from them, he spent the extra time to dig it free and leave it. Not sure if they are working properly right now or not.

As far as pain meds, I'm in a tough spot. Allergic to the normal high pain level ones, oxy, perocet, etc. So he gave me diluadid for surgery and the first week post op, but says now I should rely on ibuprofen. I have some muscle relaxants from a while back for the last time my back went out, but I am too paranoid to take them until i can ask the nurse if that is ok to take right now. the office will open soon, so I'll call then to see if that is ok to take.
Thank you for responding that I'm not alone.

Twny
I bought a cheap metal stool that I used for showering in the first few weeks so I could sit down to shower. I was a little scared the feet might slip so I put a small towel under them and it was very secure. Just remember to run the warm water over the metal seat before you sit down lol!

Life will get better!
Beanie