Am I To Sensitive, Or Is My Boyfriend Being Cruel?

Well,

I was in very good spirits as I entered into my fourth week of recovery; however, I just spend last night crying and shaking due to an argument with my boyfriend. He has been sweet so far; however, yesterday he asked me several times when I would be able to help do work, that it, "must be nice" that I could not lift things, couldn't I fold his shirts better, and that he did not want to hear about my uterus...I was in tears (we have had other problems) and have been sick today. Am I overreacting, or is he being a jerk?

TAH AND BSO on 12-22-05

located in Florida!

No you are not overacting he is acting like a BIG JERK!!!!!!!

no sweety, you are not overreacting, This surgery takes a long time for recovery, even if we feel good. Always listen to your body and not his mouth when he is being insensitive.

TOTAL JERK! But sometimes men are. You have to take care of yourself FIRST right now. Women, including myself, tend to want to "take care" of the man and most will take it and run without any regard to giving back. He may just be insensitive to your needs right now. Sit down with him and tell him you don't mean to be a baby right now but you NEED him to be understanding and more considerate that you'd be the same with him if the situation were reversed. Somehow, I think most men couldn't handle have anything compared to a hysterectomy without complaining and whinning and just plain being a big baby. Take care of you and if you need to do it and not do everything to suit him right now, so what. He should be more sympathetic. Tell him to be patient with you, after all, YOU want to feel better too! Take care and the best to you!

I totally understand where you are coming from.

I've got some ideas (which you can feel free to ignore if they don't help!).

First, you definitely need to take care of yourself, so don't even consider lifting or doing anything more strenuous until you and your doctor both agree that it is ok to try a little more.
Second, most men won't understand the emotional component, so at least for now you might not be able to expect too much sympathy for that aspect. The solution to that part is to come to this website and get your support here, instead.
Third, yes he's being a clueless jerk, but maybe he's not actually trying to be cruel. If he has been sweet for 4 weeks, he may be feeling stressed at trying to be sweet! I would practice a few sentences that you can respond with, (in a matter-of-fact tone, if possible) such as: "Its important for me to do what the doctor says". "My recovery will take longer if I overdo it now."

But you also hinted that there are other things going on in the relationship. Frankly, most people have a knack for saying the most hurtful thing possible, so he could be just picking on you when you are vulnerable. Only you know if there is a fundamental problem going on, or if he's just having a bad day and taking it out on you.

It must be very hard having to deal with those comments while you are trying to recover - my heart goes out to you.

(((galacticgroove)))

You're still very early in your recovery. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to hear criticisms and "When will you be able to (insert task here) again?" from your boyfriend.

This is what I've found to be most helpful when I've dealt with situations like this in the past -- I remember that I can't change the people around me, including their attitudes and actions. I can, however, control my attitude and how I react to them.

So if your boyfriend comes to you and says something like, "Must be nice not to have to vacuum", you can just look at him, count to 3 (silently, of course), and say, quietly and simply -- without sarcasm -- "This is what my doctor said I had to do to heal properly. There just isn't any way around that." And leave it at that.

Hope this helps. Obviously, I don't know if you're overreacting, because I wasn't there. But I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope things get better for you.

Just my two cents

When hard times hit, it's a very real and true test for our relationships. We find out who is in our corner, who is just observing and who is not in our corner.

True friends and family adjust to OUR needs, not their own. For however long it takes.

I'll give you a good example:

My DH got laid off of his beloved job last May. (2004).....and had not much luck at all until the past few months finding the "right" job. We have struggled and cried and gone through pure he!! and yes fought some too. I still remained strong and supportive of him, under severe financial stress.

When it came time for MY down time....I think he learned that this relationship goes both ways. Yes, there were several off-handed comments here and there!! Yet he knew he made them (of course with my pointing it out how hurt I was) and was big enough to apologize for being insensitive.

So, when things go wrong, it's a true "litmus test" for many relationships.

Just my opinion and hope it helps. I hope the BF realizes and quickly what he's done. And make sure not to hold grudges and talk it out ok?

	Quote:
Originally Posted by cararay no sweety, you are not overreacting, This surgery takes a long time for recovery, even if we feel good. Always listen to your body and not his mouth when he is being insensitive.

Always listen to your body and not his mouth when he is being insensitive.

She's right! I love that quote!

Have you had your BF look at Misterhysters? Or printed any info from that forum?

Often those around us do not understand what we are going through. Thus, they do not know how to react. Additionally, some are hiding their fear of concern about our health, realizing we are not invinsible after all.

Best wishes to you.

Thank you all so much for the words of wisdom! Your comments have really kept me focused on getting well, as well as staying positive and productive. God Bless To All!

Healing Vibes To You All,

Scarlet in Florida

TAH with BSO on 12-22-05