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New perspectives - support system isn't there
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08-02-2017, 08:49 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 1
Hysterectomy: June 12th, 2017
Surgery Type: LAVH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Re: New perspectives - support system isn't there
I'm so sorry you are alone. Luckily my boyfriend was able to take the week off and be there for everything I needed. However, my closest friends barely checked in. One of my friends was having gall bladder issues and focused more on that than anything else, making me feel like I had to be there for her while I could barely take care of myself. My family was very absent, too. But, someone who I didn't think I was close with checked on me multiple times a day and offered so much assistance. It's unfortunate it takes something like this to see who your true friends are. And it doesn't help that your emotions are out of whack when you realize this (I cried for two hours because of a pillow....a pillow)
I hope you're recovering well. Hugs.
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08-02-2017, 04:12 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 6
Hysterectomy: July 26th, 2017
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Re: New perspectives - support system isn't there
Hi Ladies...
I really wanted to reach out to everyone here. I'm 8 days post op, but last fall I contracted Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and was in bed for five months. Most adults never return to their previous health but its two years before you get as good as you will. I am a single mother, with three teens at home, one who has significant medical needs, two with milder special needs and have no living family. So I was in such a dire state then.
The people who I thought were my closest friends, who I texted daily, went out together once a week at least, all but vanished. Then because I needed help and asked for it, one of the girls said I was making it all up. Only one of these gals is still minimally in my life.
One important thing I learned (I had read it somewhere) is that if you are a natural caregiver, you often find yourself surrounded by people who need care and don't know how to care easily for others.
I also learned, as much as it sucked, that I had to ASK for help. Of course people always say "let me know if I can do anything", so I just made a list of ways I needed help. And I've had to do it again with this surgery. On Monday I posted that we could use some more help with week with dinners and four people immediately stepped up.
It was all an act in vulnerability. I learned who of my friends had the love language of "acts of service". And I found people I barely knew were happy to step up and help and become friends.
And then there's my best friend. She now lives an hour from me, but a few years ago we lived just 12 houses down from each other on the same street. We both had breast cancer scares a few months apart. I had mine first and I was so disappointed she never showed up on my doorstep or bring me a freaking diet coke or something. I was very aggressive with my care in that I wanted to see someone in a major city, not our small one and I had a follow up appointment and a breast MRI within days. She, on the other hand, just lived in denial, she let her PCP make an appointment for her and still hadn't heard from them after two weeks. Then her appointment was about 6 weeks after the first mammogram. She also had uterine cancer two years ago, I had taken the day off work and planned to come see her and she said it wasn't necessary. She hurried back to working from home within a week. She said the surgery was easy and only a handful of people knew she even had cancer. I have learned that there is enough of great things in our relationship that are good that I just have programmed myself not to expect certain things anymore.
I had my surgery last wednesday and I didn't hear from her all weekend. On Monday she text and said she figured I didn't want to be bothered. But my personality is different. Even though I'm an introvert, I need connection.
I agree with let anything go that you can and teach others what you need. Hopefully this perspective helps. We are just so independent as a society that we really suck at empathy and care of others.
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08-04-2017, 07:33 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 3
Hysterectomy: April 18th, 2017
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New perspectives - support system isn't there
My surgery was in April. I've barely seen any of my friends and my elderly parents have been taking care of me. My surgery went completely wrong with many complications and infections. I can't think of more than three times anymore but family really inquired of me. Now that I'm healed physically, I'm dealing with this emotionally, and boy oh boy am I alone. People are acting like I'm being overly dramatic when I get emotional, and have once again cut me off. I'm lonely and angry at the same time.
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08-04-2017, 09:16 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 13
Hysterectomy: July 17th, 2017
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New perspectives - support system isn't there
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Quote: |
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Originally Posted by ashmo34
Hi! I have not been on here as much as I would have wanted. Today makes day 12 post op for me. I stayed in the hospital one night. Thankfully I had no abdominal incisions. Hugs to all who have!
After reading so many posts, I feel very blessed. My surgery went well, no constipation, pain minimal (I am taking meds as directed), and no nausea. However, I am exhausted.
I expected my support system to be...well.. supportive. I have not felt more alone in my life. My mom took me to the hospital for my surgery. She stayed until I was awake. My husband is a trucker and could not be there. No one came to visit. Not at the hospital or at home.
My husband has been terrible. On my 5th day home, my 5 yr old had a stomach virus. I took care of that alone. As well as most everything else.
Before my surgery, I was so sure that the people in my life would step up for me. Now, I look at them all differently. I am not sure if my emotions are on edge from the surgery, but my feelings are so hurt. I cried for days and then pulled my big girl panties up.
Because I have not been able to rest as I should, it is taking longer for me to quit hurting.
Sorry for the long post! Thankful for HysterSisters!
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Send out a group text to your support group and explain that you're really struggling (keep it brief) and ask if they'd mind dropping in - for a cuppa or to bring a pot of soup.
Don't make them feel guilty and when you're better do something nice to say thanks (a card, cupcakes or whatever).
I'm bad at asking for help or accepting it when offered...but I have been this time bc I feel like **** and I need help.
No advice on the husband I'm afraid...I kicked mine to the curb years ago (lol) xx
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08-11-2017, 06:31 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 2
Hysterectomy: May 16th, 2017
Surgery Type: DvH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Re: New perspectives - support system isn't there
I unfortunately know your pain and hurtfulness. I too went through it alone. Well,thats not exactly true. I thank God every day and all day for my wonderful daughters. Without God and them,i wouldnt of made it. I have six sisters,4 of them live in the same town.I'm the youngest. I got no calls no visits. And half been through the same thing. So I prayed ve r y hard to get past not5really liking them. And I'm putting it nicely. But its been three months and I'm very good. To God be the Glory! I must add,even my 10 year old son Helped out. Bless his heart.
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08-11-2017, 06:50 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 3
Hysterectomy: April 18th, 2017
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New perspectives - support system isn't there
I'm still having to deal with my friends having ditched me, but I took myself out alone last night and really enjoyed knowing no one was monitoring my behavior to try and blame my hormones. I guess I really am at a new chapter of my life starting alone. I'm glad I found this website.
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