Wish I had more supportive family after hysterectomy

My husband is great. The issue really is my mother and my siblings. Two siblings haven't even acknowledged I had surgery (no call, no note). My mother has been terrible from the beginning. It is all about her.

She has told me to put my cat down to make my life easier. To leave my husband, kids and job to move move 3000 miles away so it is easier for her to see me at the hospital (my husband and I are not allowed to stay in her house). To make sure that I am available 24-7 for her calls (she won't take email or a call from my husband.

She keeps reminding me how great my sibs are (although they haven't called me after the surgery) and how all of her friends and neighbors are so supportive of her. I had the surgery here, so she expects me to travel in the next 2 months to see her so she can check me out herself.

As a bit of background, she is 72, retired and travels internationally with her friends quite a bit.

I actually want to cut my mother out of my life right now. Has anyone else experiences something similar?

I completely understand what you are going through. I haven't talked to my mom in a while, last time I have ever said to her was happy birthday on her birthday in January and it took her a couple of days to get back to me with a thank you. She lives in the states and any time she came back to Canada for a visit, she and her husband would expect me to go to them to visit, that's if they even told me that they were up here, and I'd usually find out from my twin sister who has kids and they don't even stop in to see her and her kids. I never told her about my laparoscopy last week or about having two molars removed on Wednesday. Honestly, I really don't care about my mom anymore, it's not like she goes out of her way to see how I'm doing.

Sorry. I know this was about you and your mom but I'd figure I'd share that I'm going through the same thing

(((((((((Hugs))))))))))

I'm sorry ladies. I can't imagine what that must feel like. There sometimes comes a time in our lives where we must "cut out" certain people for our own mental health.

I come from a rather large family. I have six sisters and a brother. Since my surgery I've received a text message from my mother (the following day) to check on me. One sister texted me the day before my surgery to see how it went. One has texted and even called me (today) for various other things. Today she actually did spend 20 seconds in the subject of my surgery. Aside from that, I've gotten "likes" on fb updates. My family isn't "unsupportative" just emotionally unavailable. But I'm use to that.

For both of y'all, I hope you are able to come to acceptance of what you must do to find peace in your families. (((Huggs)))

Yup! I can relate! My parents and two brothers all live less than a 30-minute drive from me. My mom, who is elderly, did bring me home from the hospital and stay a night but nothing more. She calls from time to time but it's unusually to talk about what she is struggling with (my dad is disabled) and asking how I am doing is like an afterthought at the end of our phone call. Neither of my brothers or their wives have even acknowledged that I've had anything done or that I've been diagnosed with cancer (stage 1a, thankfully). This was my second operation in 6 weeks. I got flowers from work and texts from coworkers for the first one but, after the second one, I think they forgot I exist. I have no husband but I do have a pre-teen child. She hasn't been much help but I haven't wanted to burden her with adult expectations. So I've learned how really independent I can be, even while recovering from 2 major surgeries. I can say this, I no longer fear getting older and less able because I feel like I'll figure it all out like I have with this!

First, I think you'd find that we are not alone in the lack of support we feel. I think it's how our society is - more virtual connection and less REAL connection. Second, I think many people deal with other's illness by ignoring it in order to insulate themselves - it feels safer. I plan to try to learn from how hard the lack of support has been. I want to find a volunteer opportunity to make regular visits to the sick, disabled, and elderly in my community. After what I am experiencing, I wonder how many others sit alone for days or more without having anyone contact them.

Please know you can come here for some emotional support. We are truly your sisters in this experience and probably understand what you're going through better than many in your real life.

	Quote:
Originally Posted by pdx0412 ...As a bit of background, she is 72, retired and travels internationally with her friends quite a bit. I actually want to cut my mother out of my life right now. Has anyone else experiences something similar?

Go for it. I come from a large family. Some of my family members and relatives are wonderful people, some of them are okay and some of them are just plain destructive. You have *no* obligation to continue communicating with people who are hurting you. That's true at any time, but especially so now when you're recovering from major surgery.

Your mother has her own friends and interests. She'll be fine. *You* need to take care of yourself.

Okay, I did it tonight, when my mother told me she was surprised I wasn't already making dinner for my family and that I should be pushing myself harder, I told her I was following oncologist's advice, not hers, and that I need her to be supportive--not telling me what to do or cluttering my mind about what her maintenance guy thinks, details of her friend's hysterectomy, or telling me how supportive my siblings are because they are asking her how she is doing. I didn't hold back. This came after years of resentment.

My husband, (usually playing Switzerland between my mom and me) was supportive. He told me to be true to myself and move forward and get healthy. I will sleep better tonight.

Thank you all for your support.

I hope that finally standing up for yourself has some positive effects on your relationship with your mother.

I have not seen my parents in about 6 years - and they live less than half an hour away. At first I was devastated but have since come to realize it was the best decision I made. When my first husband left my mother saw it as an opportunity to start controlling me (my older brother is single, lives on his own and she does everything for him and knows all his business) so when I married my current husband she didn't like it. When my parents used to visit they would start off by chastising us in front of the children, telling us how what bad parents we were. My mother also thought it inappropriate for my husband to discipline the children - so if I wasn't home he would have to wait til I got home to tell them off - sure that was going to work! Anyway, it came to a head when my husband said he couldn't take it anymore and for the sake of my relationship with my parents he would do the right thing and leave.

My mother had become toxic and instead of enjoying seeing her I was dreading seeing her because I knew all the trouble it would cause. I had to make the decision to choose my husband and I am glad I did.

It is always best to maintain relations with your parents but sometimes it simply won't work.

Best wishes, I really hope your mother pulls her head in and sees what she could be about to lose.

There is a saying " you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family" this is true but you can choose not to have your family in your life if they are a negative influence. If your best friend was behaving like your mum I'm sure she wouldn't be your best friend for long.

I lost my mum 22 years ago and miss her so much at times like this. My sister is more interested in her social life and wrapped up in her own little fake Essex world in the UK. Haven't seen or spoken to 'the sperm donar' my mum married for over a decade he could be dead for all I care.

Surround yourself with positive people and love and you will heal so much quicker.
Sending you positive strength and well done!

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Originally Posted by pdx0412 Okay, I did it tonight, when my mother told me she was surprised I wasn't already making dinner for my family and that I should be pushing myself harder, I told her I was following oncologist's advice, not hers, and that I need her to be supportive--not telling me what to do or cluttering my mind about what her maintenance guy thinks, details of her friend's hysterectomy, or telling me how supportive my siblings are because they are asking her how she is doing. I didn't hold back. This came after years of resentment. My husband, (usually playing Switzerland between my mom and me) was supportive. He told me to be true to myself and move forward and get healthy. I will sleep better tonight. Thank you all for your support.

Good for you! Think of it as lancing a boil. You've got to get all the bad stuff out before the boil can heal.

Good for you for standing up to your mother! It sounds like it was long overdue. You may be surprised how much that will help in your physical healing process (not to mention the mental/emotional healing as well). Rest well, you've done the right thing.