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Single sisters please help me out!
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12-23-2008, 10:51 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 7,531
Hysterectomy: October 23rd, 2006
Surgery Type: LSH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Single sisters please help me out!
i would check things out on my own with the help of a toy and when the time came to be intimate with someone, my surgery would be the last thing from my mind. there really isnt any reason to tell anyone that you've had a hysterectomy. you should have no problems at all
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12-23-2008, 11:41 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 112
Hysterectomy: December 1st, 2008
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Single sisters please help me out!
I second the toy approach. They have all kinds of penetrative "toys" out there to test drive that aspect of it with.. (Hey I am a scientist, don't expect me to mince words heh).
What stands in the way of reconciliation with your ex? It sounds like you two have a great relationship, actually.. so if you want to try it, I say go for it. As long as you both understand "no strings attached" or just whatever strings you DO want attached. As long as you both are not seeing any other people who might get hurt by it, and can handle it, I say why not?
On the new guy/scar thing:
I delt with all of those body image issues already once, I had my left arm amputated in 1982 when I was 10.. so dating came with insta-baggage regarding my physical appearance and scars and lack of an arm (I do wear a prosthesis that looks really realistic, so the first time taking it off in front of someone was nerve wracking, especially as a teenager!)
I found that humor and being self assured works. I had a 5 year relationship with my high school boyfriend, then a couple of short ones with guys in college (< 1 year) and then met my husband in 1996 and we've been married since 2000. I never had any guy gasp and run when I took off my arm, because I put them at ease.. and the sex was never awkward or strange even the first time because I guess I saw myself as "normal" so that projected out.
So my advice is to be up front about the scar, the surgery. Be confident and use humor to break the ice.. most men wont even notice it if you are not obsessed with it. If you've test driven with your ex or a toy already, that might be what you need to project confidence.
A scar doesn't mean you are damaged goods, it makes you really three dimensional and interesting.. a huge advantage in a world of cookie cutter blondes (no offense to blondes but you know what I mean).
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12-23-2008, 06:47 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 845
Hysterectomy: November 6th, 2007
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Single sisters please help me out!
lady bug - I could have written your post...and I think I wrote a similar one! LOL!! In any case I did exactly what your mulling over. I had the SAME fears. Ladies - I know how lady bug feels. I wanted the comfort of someone familiar and even if I waited with someone new till I could tell them all, I still would be double nervous - new person, first time after hyster!! So since Nov of 07, I have been intimate with my ex 2X. The first time was prior to my big complication and I did bleed and it was uncomfortable. The second was after my second surgery. No bleeding this time, but it did hurt a bit. All in all, I don't regret doing it. And when the time came....I knew what to expect.
So now, I have a new BF. He is just the BEST guy, and it doesn't hurt that he IS tall dark and handsome I have only been intimate with him one time so far. It has been 10 months since surgery #2. The cuff area still feels a bit stiff and it did hurt a tiny bit, but I think it just needs frequency. Blushing! Like my Dr says - use it or lose it...lol....! I was able to tell him what I had been through and even though explaining the cuff thing made me blush (he wanted to know why I was worried about pain / stitches) I got through it and he was very understanding.
And just so you know, I was married for 22 years. I have been single for 2 1/2. Just starting over after such a long marriage is hard enough. Throw in the hyster and well that just put me over the top!
Good luck to you!!
Starbgirl
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12-24-2008, 01:04 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 133
Hysterectomy: December 9th, 2008
Surgery Type: LSH
Ovaries: Removed both
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Single sisters please help me out!
My dear Ladybug, I hear your fears, which are similar but also different than my own. I'm sorry you received such vituperative responses. We are all working on establishing a new baseline, a new "normal" for our sex lives and our sexual responses. That's bound to be scary for anybody. Your fears are completely justifiable, as is the solution to ask your ex for help. Your ex is familiar and safe, you trust him so I can see why you might consider that option. But it sounds like a good time to trust your intuition and your good judgment. If you feel like its going to become a can of worms, it probably will.
Consider that your training in communication and relationship skills will help you weed out the insensitive men and help you build a new relationship with the sensitive man you'll surely find. I am single, 48 and a BSW level social worker. After a very long period of celibacy, I managed to find a sensitive, psychologically aware man who doesn't mind if I can no longer have children. There is a man out there for you, too. It just takes time. (I know it can be hard, some men are intimidated by women who are mental health professionals!)
So, what other options might you explore? How about breaking down your issue into small steps, as we suggest to our clients/patients? (I know, this is hard to do when you're in the middle of it all...)
Here's one option that I have been considering for myself. It may be too soon for you to think about this, but here goes: Perhaps you might consider that once you are physically healed, emotionally ready and you have the doctors okay, you can "explore" your own body and see how it responds without a man involved first? Down the road, when you're ready, might you consider one of those wonderfully lifelike male shaped vibrators? (I have learned that they come in different sizes) Perhaps that might help you get physically ready and start you on the road to being emotionally ready to date again?? Oops, sorry I just noticed that someone else already suggested this....
hang in there, blessings, Annalee
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12-31-2008, 04:44 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 7
Hysterectomy: December 22nd, 2008
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Single sisters please help me out!
I can relate to your concerns because I am in a similar situation. I am a single mother of two and also wondered what the first time would be like after my tvh. The ex-thing crossed my mind temporarily because of comfort and familiarity...but...ewww. I do not think this thread is a waste of time because it is a legitimate concern. It is health related. Same would be true if you were married and concerned how it would be the first time afterwards. The only thing I can say is the longer you wait, the more healed you will be and if you are comfortable with you ex and you all are friends and all parties involved are emotionally mature to handle it then I do not see the problem with him helping you to cget over that hump.
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12-31-2008, 06:44 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 71
Hysterectomy: July 30th, 2008
Surgery Type: TVH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Single sisters please help me out!
Hi Ladybug; I"m single, too, and had a TVH, A&P Repairs/Bladder Sling--lots of surgery! I do, however, have a boyfriend who was very understanding. It is like the first time but I can say it's great. I've found I"m feeling better than before my surgery and just taking it easy is the best advice I can give. When it's right it's right and I would say just be patient and take one day at a time. Who ever you choose to have sex with will no doubt understand. Best wishes.
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01-01-2009, 09:34 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 61
Hysterectomy: December 26th, 2008
Surgery Type: LAVH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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Single sisters please help me out!
I could completely understand wanting your first after surgery to be someone familiar. I do think that it could be a hard thing to negotiate well - the can of worms is definitely an issue. I don't think it's a good idea to have sex with an ex for "trial run" purposes only - and I do think the toy idea is a good one - but that's only my opinion. I think it just has the potential to add too much weirdness to a situation that could be awkward with the kids involved, especially. I want you to know that I don't think you're a bad person for thinking about it, though! And I don't think women should be ashamed to want sex just for sex itself.
I guess what I hope for you is that whoever you end up with in the future should be a gentle, understanding person (for reasons other than sex, too). And of course, you're mature enough to talk about the tough stuff prior to sex - and if you're on that level, then taking things slow and easy with a new relationship should be a given. It will add an extra level of newness, along with a new relationship, and I know that might seem daunting, but I think any good man will understand that. (And there's nothing keeping you from experimenting on your own until then!)
I'm on the road to recovery, and have been teasing my man with... "So... when this recovery stuff is under control... how do you want to... go about things?" His eyes went a little wide, and oh, boy, is he happy I'm even *thinking* about it! Makes the waiting a bit more fun. And I know he will be as gentle as is needed.
Best of luck - and do try to lend some of that trouble out instead of borrowing it.
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01-02-2009, 08:36 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 13
Hysterectomy: December 2nd, 2008
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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Single sisters please help me out!
I well remember the nerves I had about sleeping with a new guy, even before my surgery. I was married for 22 years, had only slept with him, then got divorced. The idea of being intimate with someone new was pretty darn scary, and I didn't have to worry, at that point, about the hysterectomy yet. Now, I find myself hoping all goes well when my boyfriend and I get the OK from the doctor.
I strongly second the suggestion of a good, lifelike toy. They make nice soft jiggly ones that should be gentle on tender areas. It's really easy to buy mail-order, things are mailed in discreet boxes, and they even have a discreet company name on your credit card statement. We won't discuss how I know all these things... However, if you want, feel free to contact me privately and I can recommend an online vendor.
Once you meet a guy, I would recommend telling him your concerns. Most men love a challenge, especially a sexual one. What guy doesn't love "Be gentle with me..."?
I wish you the best in your adventure. Just know you're not alone out there - there are lots of nervous, impatient sisters out here wondering the same things you are.
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01-03-2009, 12:47 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 123
Hysterectomy: December 15th, 2008
Surgery Type: TVH
Ovaries: Undecided
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Single sisters please help me out!
ladybug_327, I'm not single, but I just stumbled on your post. I can appreciate your concern & I think it's valid; I would have the same concerns in your situation.
The saying "if you don't loose, you'll loose it" comes to mind. I know post-menopausal this is especially supposed to be true. Without the intercourse the vaginal walls tend to thin & constrict.
That said I gather your doctor can write a prescription for vaginal dilators. Toys are another option (no offense intended--just information). Not ideal, but none of the emotional issues. At least you could work through the initial "stretching" issues prior to a new relationship.
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01-03-2009, 03:06 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 976
Hysterectomy: May 20th, 2008
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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Single sisters please help me out!
Hello! Me again. I think prescribe for yourself. I am going to, and it won't be a toy.....NO I don't feel great, nor attractive, but I will go with familiar, because emotionally and physically that is what my mind needs.
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