TVH: Upcoming hysterectomy: Significant other has stopped being intimate with me

Hello,

I am new to this group. I am 37 and due to severe dysplasia in my cervix, it is advised that I have a hysterectomy. My surgery is scheduled for July 15th at noon. I am depressed and anxious about this procedure and I have been very upfront with my boyfriend about my feelings.

We have always had a wonderfully intimate relationship. It is very therapeutic for me, to have this release with him. But recently, he has stopped having sex with me. He says it is him, not me. He said that although he can't describe it in words, it has to do with my upcoming procedure. I asked if he's afraid of getting cancer, or if he's afraid that he will get HPV. He says that has nothing to do with it.

In addition to my increased anxiety about my hysterectomy and depression/grieving that I am experiencing due to the losing my reproductive organs, I am now dealing and coping with the lack of intimacy from the man I am in love with. It is really hard for me to accept that he doesn't want to be intimate with me right now, especially since we will have to abstain for many weeks after surgery.

I am wondering if anyone has experienced this with their significant other, if it goes away? gets worse? better?



Amanda

I am 36 and had a abdominal hysterectomy it is a recovery I won't lie I am 19 days out I had my uterus cervix and right ovary removed with being cut open my husband did not have sex with me 3 weeks before he said he was afraid of messing something up before my surgery but now that it is over he is ready of course I can't do anything till 8 weeks out because they stitch your vaginal cuff don't want infection or bust open but mine was abdominal Witch is hard recovery swelly belly numb with the incision and sore I thank it gets better I hope I helped I did have dysplasia but went away then endometriosis had a ablation and the fibroids came up so they took it all hope all gets better see ya on the other side


Mary

I am sure your boyfriend has a lot of emotions going on right now, just like you. He may not want to hurt you. But from my own experience, some guys just really don't like the nitty-gritty details. My DH is like that. And once we started diving into the details - ovaries, bleeding, gas, bowel movements - it was hard for him to separate "wife the intimate partner" from "wife the patient". We did get back on track after surgery but the weeks leading up to and shortly thereafter, he didn't want to be intimate either. I understood. It does hurt but you can still do other things like cuddling that may bring him back around and see you as a sexual creature. The loss of your reproductive organs doesn't make you less of a woman but when you lose that intimate connection, it feels like it. I know things will get better for you and your boyfriend but it may take some time. He's going through this with you and that isn't easy. Guys don't like being on the sidelines, they want to fix it but in this case, he can't.

He may benefit from Mr. HysterSisters – A Hysterectomy Support Site for Men . He can read about how best to support you and understand everything you are going through. It may bring him comfort and also realize that it is OK to be intimate in the weeks before surgery. Good luck! You aren't alone!