Emotional~Children mentioned

Ok so I've been posative up to this point! I think as my date grows closer I'm having these breakdowns! I feel happy, sad, angry. I started thinking just God awful thoughts like what if something "ever" happened to my daughter God forbid i'd be left childless(ISN'T THATS SO SELFISH OF ME TO THINK THAT WAY)! Yesterday my aunt called me and is planning on having 2 more babies back to back......I duno why that bothered me so much. I hung up and was in tears! My DSIL is preggers and i'm so happy for her....why did it bother me so much w/ my aunt! Neither of them ever throw it in my face there not mean like that! I know I've always joked around and said kids are over rated & how one kid is enough! My daughter is 10 and so indapendant to start all over would be hell! But ladies....and this is the part that my family DOSEN'T UNDERSTAND.......if I wanted more I thought I'd have time and that "option." Sisters reading this I'm sorry I don't want to offened anyone's belief's. I started to question my faith...... Is it bad karma bitting me in the *****? Am I being punished for things I've done in the past? The God I beleive in isn't that mean. In my heart I need to beleive that. I know I made some bad choices/desicions. God gave us freewill is what my DS tells me and what happened is done you can not change the past or beat yourself up over contacting HPV. I do thank him everyday for atleast letting me experience pregnancy, labor, child birth, & parenthood at least once! There are plenty of woman in my shoe's who haven't had that! So yes i'm greatfull! But I always thought I'd have time & time isn't available! I was so happy no more aunt flow....and dealing w/ all the otrher problems i've been having.............I think I was just trying to make myself think that way to stay focused and be strong. Well 5 days to surgery and I'm having lil breakdowns since Feb when I got told that I needed to see an Oncologist gyno. On a happy note my best friend is flying in from washington Sun night, to be here for my surgery! Also rcknrllady (who happens to live just down the street from me) has been a great suport too. Shes a few days post op and I'm calling her crying!LOL! I feel like such a cry baby!!
& Barbie

I do feel your emotional state. The difference is I was never given the chance to have any kids. And I am sure when I am 5 days till going to the castle I will be insane! But I don't really have any advice except to try to stay calm, and take deep breaths, lots of deep breaths. I do hope you have a wonderful op & post op, so please keep us posted ... Oh I did think of 1 thing that might help... eat some chocolate... lol Thinking of you ...

I really feel you. I just got of the phone with DH and I was balling my eyes out. I had my tubes tied 5 yrs ago, but it was always there that I could carry another child. Well, come tomorrow that will not be possible. And all the other thoughts, what if something happens to me? I'll leave kids without a mother. DH didn't like that...it's hard to keep your faith sometimes. You just have to grind your teeth and get thru it. I found myself asking what did I do? We didn't do anything. Sometimes the only way God can truely take care of us is by a surgery like this. He made drs for a reason. I hope this helps some, and remember, You're not alone!!!

(((Barbie)))
Bless your heart, you are going through the very natural process of coming to terms with what is a great loss and it is natural for you to grieve. Many of us have been there where you are now.
I think you sound like you are working through it well. You have to focus on the positive and all you are grateful for. I want to assure you that God is not punishing you for anything. There are some things in life that just happen. He hasn't promised to take us out of the world but to see us through anything that comes our way while we live our lives. I hope you can cling to that and don't let thoughts come to mind that will only hurt you and make you feel badly about yourself.
There are all kinds of reasons we each have had to have this done and many struggle to accept that it is the only answer. I'm grateful there was an answer for me and I hope you can come to a place where you can be at peace in your heart over it too. Focus on your dd and you being the best you can be for her, living your life to the fullest and giving her the love and support she needs from her mom.
I hope your surgery goes smoothly and you will be able to work through your grief to accept and move beyond all of this.
's, Rita

Barbie, My situation is similar to yours. So many thoughts were swimming through my head. I have a 12 y/o son and have been divorced 10 years. I guess I had this dream that I would meet Mr Right and have more children and have this happy little family. Well it didn't happen. I too wondered if I was being punished for my past. It got better for me just before surgery- trying to just accept it for what it is. I have a wonderful son and am lucky for that, and I have my health now. The past is the past. I still have my moments, but I'm no where near the wreck I was pre-surgery. Regarding the HPV, from what I read, more people have that than not. Every body responds differently. I hope you can find some peace of mind soon so you can focus on a speedy recovery and good health.

God has a plan for you, I promise. It says it in the Bible. I had my TAH/BSO last summer, I was 27 with a 4 year old. I had miscarried and desparately wanted more children. My symptoms worsened and I had my surgery. When dr. feel good was putting me out for my surgery all I could think about was God, keeping my "eyes fixed on Jesus". I never lost sight of that. I had a miraculous recovery. Before my 6 weeks of recovery was up, God whispered to me, for me to take a job teaching K-2. I never thought that was my calling. Low and behold, the woman who wanted at least one more child, suddenly had 20. I love each and every one of "my children."
Anyway, you may not know or understand what God is doing in your life, but it will be revealed to you. Maybe this is all a test of your faith. God is testing you, Don't fail him!
Gottahavefaith

I love this site and ALL of my sister's! Thank You so much word's cannot express how much those kind, thoughtfull words mean to me! I'm actually crying again! LOL.....today was my last day at work....yeah!! I was so drained from work this week....TRAINING! UGGH! So today is my day to lounge around. DD is at a sleepover w/ her cousins and I got my Rx's filled, now groceries and rest rest before pre-op & registration! I'm doing better; have my moments! I pray everynight for God to give me peace of mind, and peace in my heart. My grandmother read to me the serenity prayer....we both cried and I hugged her so tight! She is an amazingly strong woman; she lost my grandfather last year to throat cancer. So she told me i'd rather see you healthy w/ one child; than to have the cancer spread and you be ill. She's so right! In some ways I believe that my grandmother is my peace of mind! And of coarse my sister's! Thank You all who replyed for your wonderfull words of wisdom!
& Barbie

I'm lucky in that I had my son, albeit 27 years ago. What worried me pre-op was that *I* was going to die, I was a bit emotional, but I went around to everyone who meant something to me the week before my surgery, up to the day before, and told them all exactly how much I cared for them and appreciated them, just in case something happened, because I wanted them all to know how I felt about them. I think this is an emotionally heightened time for all of us princesses, the pre-op and even post-op, and we need to go with what we're feeling, validate and recognize what it is and move forward. Best of luck!

Hi Barbie!
Bless your heart! I am a believer that there is healing in tears. I had D&C/Leep/Cone Biopsy beginning Feb and did my grieving before that appointment. And that is what it is - not just being down, or depressed it is grieving. I also believe in grieve now or grieve later. It is hard to feel the heartache that you are experiencing but I think it is part of being human. =) It will get better. That song by Carrie Underwood "Jesus take the wheel" made me bawl my guts out. I tried to avoid hearing it several days because it struck a chord in me and brought on tears. So I cried hard for several days, And then, I was done. Done crying.
Now, similar to you I am having the hysterectomy 4/4/06 for adenocarcinoma in the cervix, which came about from HPV detected from my pap smear. The tears I cried a month ago prepared me for now and I don't need to cry anymore.
I guess my point is embrace yourself, let yourself feel those things and get them out. You are going to be okay and you are right God isn't mean and punishing, just a littler ornery sometimes. =) Anyway - blessings to you for an easy surgery! Take Care!
Mindy

Hey there. I'm also pre-op and although I was never able to have children (I had 3 miscarriages, the longest pregnancy lasting 6 months) and ended up having a tubal ligation (not tied but coterized) and was told I would never be able to carry full term. I was also in a very abusive relationship at the time I do have a dear man now who brought two beautiful stepchildren into my life (daughter going to be 15 and son will be 11 in may) and I'm extremely happy b/c their mom, stepdad, grandparents, me and my dear man are like one big family (as crazy as it sounds, it works for the kids sakes)Now I find out form the doc that there is a surgery to reverse what I had done and that I could still get pregnant but not carry. I've already accepted the fact that I will not bear my own but the ones I've got, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I'm now in the stage that I thought I was alright with never having my own but now that decision is being taken from me. I cannot deal with this pain any longer. Its been too long as it is. You're not alone in these feelings b/c I often wonder if something happened between me and my dear man that the children would be taken out of my life. I'm having every emotion possible b/c I haven't had a period since february 20th and I think I'm expecting it any day now. (I have PCOS too). Yes it is an emotional subject but I'm glad you brought it up b/c I so desperatly wanted to talk about it. Thank you and all who have replied to this thread. Its helped some that I'm not alone in these feelings. My prayers are with all of you. ....cheryl aka _kitti_