It hit me out of no where

Tomorrow will be 10 months post op for me. I am 23 and have no children. I had to get this done, for medical reasons.

Now, 10 months later, I can't stop crying. Ive been really strong until recently. These thoughts keep coming into my head, what if I could have done something different, why did this happen to me? I know only God knows these answers, but every day it eats at me. I try really hard to be happy for my friends (who are nearly ALL married with kids now) but something inside me just wants to scream. I never thought it would be this hard.

I knew going into this, the outcome of it all. I have trouble sleeping at night due to nightmares about everything thats happened the past 2.5 years. Everything that led up to this point, even almost a year after surgery, I think about it every day.

When people ask me things about having kids, or joke around about being on my period, I usually just play it off and make it into a joke, but lately I find myself lashing out at people verbally, for being so disrespectful, when Ive always had a kidding manner about it to almost everyone. Its time I stop kidding myself, and admit this is the worst feeling Ive ever felt.

If you managed to get through this, thank you for listening.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I know with prayer and faith you will make it through. Being that you have your ovaries, have you thought about a surrogate? I know there is nothing like carrying your baby but it's a thought. Hope I'm not being insensitive.

Hi,
I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I am 29 (had my birthday on 9-9) so I am a bit older than you, but I too, have been dealing with the grief of loosing the ability to have children. I struggled with this before my surgery, and am still struggling with it. I have no children. I always wanted to have a big family, and I am married to the most wonderful man, whom I would have loved to start a family with. He does have a daughter from a previous marraige that I have helped to raise, but it isnt the same. His ex has primary custody, and we only see her once a month as they live in a different state. Either way, while I love her very much, I always wanted my own. Yet, at the same time, I am trying to make peace with this. I had a hysterectomy after struggling with endometriosis since puberty, and I feel like my life will actually be so much better when and if I recover from this surgery. I am really just saying that I do understand how devastating it can be. I dont really know a lot about the surrogate process, but maybe later in life this would be an option for you? Also, even though you kept your ovaries, have you checked your hormone levels to make sure they're acting right? Some of the emotional tidal wave you are feeling could be hormonal. I have also thought about getting some counseling later in my recovery, maybe this would be beneficial for you as well? I don't know, I am just throwing ideas out there. I will keep you in my thoughts. Sending you great big huggs-
Merr

Don't even give it a 2nd thought. So you cant have kids, you can adopt if you really want them. So many kids need homes. As for the period. I laugh at anyone talking about it and tell them, I don't get that anymore, its a blessing not to have it. YOu are very young but you can take hormones and feel just fine. There is a lot of life ahead for you, go for it, go to school, get a good career and later on think of kids, not now. I am 50 and happy I had the hysterectomy. I have no more pain and misery all the time. I feel good and I still have a lot of life to see and you have even more.

Yes, it is that hard. Having been blessed myself, and despite the fact that I'm 47 and have no reason to even be thinking about having more, I am still grieving.

Your sense of loss and questioning what might have been must be an enormous burden but it isn't something you need to carry alone. You have hit your "wall," that point where you can find yourself the time to start the grieving process.

If you go to the main page, the hysterectomy checkpoints area has some information about grief and sorrow. You don't have to take it on the chin, kid about it, be strong, or any of that nonsense. You have a real reason to feel this! For many of us, our womanhood is tied into being a mother, having babies and yes, dear God help me, they ARE everywhere.

If you find you can't work through it on your own, you may need some professional counseling. Even a year out, it's something you've not dealt with yet, and your brain is telling you that it's time to face this demon.

Ask yourself, if I hadn't had this surgery, where would I be, physically and mentally? Would I have, at some point, become miraculously better, or would I be more broken down and exhausted? Did it help physically? Now your body is healed, it's time to heal your soul.

I won't tell you adoption is the answer; I don't know that for you. I know you have a lifetime of love in your heart and you may someday find a way to share that with someone else, maybe even with children who need you, too. But first, you need to find the peace in your heart that comes with total healing.

:hugs2u:

	Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenilynne Tomorrow will be 10 months post op for me. I am 23 and have no children. I had to get this done, for medical reasons. Now, 10 months later, I can't stop crying. Ive been really strong until recently. These thoughts keep coming into my head, what if I could have done something different, why did this happen to me? I know only God knows these answers, but every day it eats at me. I try really hard to be happy for my friends (who are nearly ALL married with kids now) but something inside me just wants to scream. I never thought it would be this hard. I knew going into this, the outcome of it all. I have trouble sleeping at night due to nightmares about everything thats happened the past 2.5 years. Everything that led up to this point, even almost a year after surgery, I think about it every day. When people ask me things about having kids, or joke around about being on my period, I usually just play it off and make it into a joke, but lately I find myself lashing out at people verbally, for being so disrespectful, when Ive always had a kidding manner about it to almost everyone. Its time I stop kidding myself, and admit this is the worst feeling Ive ever felt. If you managed to get through this, thank you for listening.

I've had polycystic ovarian syndrome since I was 12. Im pretty sure this is a huge thing that has played into my medical issues. With having this, Im not sure if my eggs are even able to be used at this point, since they dont mature.

I have friends that have offered to be surrogate mothers, but again with the POS, I dont know that I can even do that. I've looked into adoption, but to be honest, adoption is so hard to do anymore, its outrageous. Ive looked into a couple different agencies, just to get an idea of what I need to do, to be able to adopt, and their demands almost seem out of this world. I have gone to college, but of course, like most of America, I cant find a job doing what I went to school for, so here I am, doing a job that pays the bills, but not much else. My boyfriend, and eventually husband is in the Army, and doesn't make a whole lot either. Ive found its very hard for middle to lower middle class to adopt. Maybe Im just getting discouraged, but I feel like Im at my whits end.

Jeninlynne- I just wanted to say that maybe you should try to grieve for what you have lost before you look into adoption or otherwise. It seems like just dealing with that is important if we want to move on and have healthy lives. I am here if you need to talk.
Merr

	Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenilynne I've had polycystic ovarian syndrome since I was 12. Im pretty sure this is a huge thing that has played into my medical issues. With having this, Im not sure if my eggs are even able to be used at this point, since they dont mature. I have friends that have offered to be surrogate mothers, but again with the POS, I dont know that I can even do that. I've looked into adoption, but to be honest, adoption is so hard to do anymore, its outrageous. Ive looked into a couple different agencies, just to get an idea of what I need to do, to be able to adopt, and their demands almost seem out of this world. I have gone to college, but of course, like most of America, I cant find a job doing what I went to school for, so here I am, doing a job that pays the bills, but not much else. My boyfriend, and eventually husband is in the Army, and doesn't make a whole lot either. Ive found its very hard for middle to lower middle class to adopt. Maybe Im just getting discouraged, but I feel like Im at my whits end.

I am so sorry you are starting this grieving process and are feeling so disheartened. I wish I had some magic words to fix your heart, but I think the others have covered it pretty good. Seeking some counseling may help you work through this as well. Counseling helped me greatly through my infertility struggles.

As previous posters have said, you probably need to grieve before pursuing adoption. I also wanted to offer you some encouragement about adoption. Yes, it can be a difficult and long process, but it is completely doable...for anyone. There are many options out there among various agencies and whether or not you choose domestic or international adoption. And once you are married, you will be eligible for a small adoption reimbursement through the military. If you would like more information about adoption, I'll be happy to help you out. Please pm me.