Is it all you talk about?

I was really upset with my DD the other day. I had my surgery 7/25, had complications and was readmitted 1 week later. Three weeks after that the Dr found my rectocele repair had failed and I also had redundant vaginal tissue that is prolapsing. I have had three CT scans for right sided abdominal pain, numerous blood tests and Dr's visits. I was scheduled for surgery 10/5 and cancelled because my Gyn could not assist the Uro/Gyn and I am too anxious to do it without him. A few days ago DD asked how my day was and I told her that I heard from my Gyn about having a colleague of his come from Boston to our local hospital to perform the surgery with him. I was very excited about this because this specialist is "the best of the best". And she told me she was tired of hearing about this, all I talk about is my surgery and how I am not feeling well all the time. Mind you she is not a child but a 22 year old woman. Now I feel so self conscious about this that I am afraid to talk to anyone about it. Her words keep echoing in my mind and I wonder if others close to me feel the same way. My coworkers ask me everyday how I feel. I truly wish I could say that I am feeling better but I'm not and now my response is "I'm ok" which prompts them to say "You don't look ok". To which I reply, the pain is the same. How and when does this stop being the focus in your life? Believe me I am ready to move on, I am used to being the caregiver not the complainer. But I'm finding it very hard to stay positive and harder to keep it all bottled in. I guess I really don't need an answer to my question just the space to vent about it.
Michelle

I know how you feel, my sister said the same thing to me. I to am saying "I'm fine", then my DH looks at me and says, "no she's not I can tell she's in pain".

You are not talking about it to much. You had major surgery, complications, and now more surgery. It is a major part of your life. I think you are acting/reacting the way any "normal" woman would.

A big to you

I am sure that your DD is a nice person most of the time and she didn't mean to hurt your feelings. But I think that her remark was on the insensitive side. You are her mom and you have always been there for her while she was growing up. I think that you should ask her to be more respectful of you. You are her mom, after all. You have committed a larger portion of your life to her. Maybe explaining to her that you are afraid and that you have already been through so many different health problems will make her more empathetic. I am sure that if something this mind-consuming were on *her* mind it would be "all that she ever talks about".

I hope that your surgery goes well.

Hi candyapplelady!

Gosh, your user-name makes me crave one of my favorite caramel-laden treats. Anyway, I'm sorry to hear you were upset by your daughter's comment. You have been through a lot, and you are still going through a lot, so if you are talking about your health issues often, I don't blame you one bit!

I remember long ago, when I was your DD's age, if anyone in the "older generation" talked about their health problems I mentally rolled my eyes and departed from their company ASAP. I think it's the way some younger adults are, so I wouldn't take it to heart if I were you. You might just let it go and hope the next time you see your daughter her mood is more sympathetic and she is in a more mature frame of mind.

Many s to you,

Candy---

Maybe your dd was just having a bad day. When we are moms alot is expected out of us. Try some reverse psychology--dont mention your health to her. Ask her how her day is/was----see what happens. You dont have to do anything physical just mentally/verbally.

I am in no way saying your dd was right but sometimes as parents we gotta play the game.

My mom told my DBF (before my surgery)---"Ga always complains, my back, my legs, my stomach,---I am tired"----blah blah blah--and she was acting out these movements right in front of me. (my mom had a hysterectomy when I was 16 and she was 36)---It really hurt my feelings but I never complained to her again. I become very conscious about what I said and to who I said it.

I hope your surgery goes well.

GA

I think it's real hard for anyone who has not gone through this to understand it. Your dd just wants her Mom to be her happy go lucky Mom I am sure. She may never understand the pain you are feeling. I know it must hurt your feelings but try not to let it because she probably wouldn't purposely do it if she knew it hurt you. Everyone on this site TOTALLY understands and you can complain all you want to us. We love you and hope you get through this rough time. You have had it worse than I have and I still do my fair share of complaining. hang in there and keep on posting whenever you need to vent. I don't know what we all would do without this site.

Hi Michelle ,

I'm so sorry about what your daughter said . . . and how it made you feel. It's so difficult to face complications and deal with all the what if's of our problems day in and day out, then to find out that the people who we think should understand most DONT is heartbreaking! I have to make a confession I've never made on this board . . . . my best friend from college had a hysterectomy and I never once called to check on her or send her a card . . . . we lived a few hours away and were out of touch a bit BUT I just had no concept whatsoever about what she was experiencing. After I had my surgery I realized how horrible a friend I had been to her and that I needed to apologize. She was so kind, responded that we don't really understand what any of this is until we personally experience it. I guess my point is, your daughter really doesn't understand your pain right now, probably never really will unless she experiences it herself (and let's hope she doesn't have to)! I can totally relate to a lot of your post. I had a lot of comlications early in recovery with a catheter, infections, hemmoraging at 3 weeks post op, etc. Now at 8 months post op I am still dealing with complications, systemic yeast from all the antibiotics and the same issues as you with prolapses ! I've also been dealing with other health problems and the people I work with are asking me the same questions. It's hard to put that smile on your face and say you are "fine" or "okay" when you feel horrible or are worried about whether the next surgery is going to resolve all the issues or how much longer you will be able to continue, etc. I've read some of your other posts and it sounds like you are really lucky to have a great doctor and also work with health professionals that do understand. I would try to focus on the positives and know that there will be some that don't understand . . . . that's why you have all the sisters here to help you get through times like this!

jmw

I am so lucky to have you all. I have just finished reading all your posts and I have tears in my eyes. Your support is a tremendous comfort to me. I know that my DD is young and hasn't, thankfully, had to experience a life changing event yet. I am trying not to be so self absorbed and more like myself around her but it's difficult. DH has been such a rock for me as well as other family members but I am very close to my DD and what she said really hurt. I spend so much time with my coworkers. Today a few of the office staff and I were having a conversation and I mentioned what happened and how I felt that I was probably talking about this too much. I was sternly reprimanded and told that they want to hear about how I'm feeling and that I have every right to complain and they love me, that's why they care. I am humbled. Thank you again for being here for me as I hope I have for you.
Michelle

I could be in your daughter's situation today. I sometimes find myself rolling my eyes or getting upset by my mom's complaints about her medical problems. It became easier when I realized that it wasn't her, it was me. She's my Mom, and although I'm an adult, she's supposed to be perfect, isn't she?

Dear Candy

You and your daughter are both going through a very trying time. I can relate to both of you. My mom went through a sudden hysterectomy where they found advanced ovarian cancer. She was ill for 9 months before her death and I was her main caregiver the times she wasn't hospitalized. I was just a year older than your DD. I can honestly say that until my own health issues came along, I really had no idea what she was going through and didn't understand even a minute part of what her pain, fear and heartache must have been. There were many times, even when I knew she wouldn't get better, that I was frustrated, angry and even resentful of the impact of her illness on my life. I still feel guilty about that sometimes and its been 27 years.

You have always been the strength in your daughter's life and now you need her, but she doesn't know how to be strong for you. She is probably stressed, overwhelmed and scared for you and doesn't know what to do to help. That makes her angry and impatient. She just wants it to be over.

But that also means that you have been a great mom - shielding her from the worst of life, being a strong protector and caregiver and giving her the support in everything she's done that she has taken for granted up to now. My prayer for you is that your doctors will soon be able to help you to a full recovery and that your daughter will never have to understand first-hand the full misery of what you have had to go through. Deb