I feel like my so called friends have deserted me since my hysterectomy!

I feel like most people have no clue about the recovery process for hysterectomy. I also feel like my so called friends have deserted me! This has been the hardest thing to deal with as I just don't understand it. One of my 'best friends' who lives in my same neighborhood has not even called, texted, or come by since my surgery. What is most hurtful is we were camping over spring break (our families in Rv.s). My surgery was supposed to be the 19th. on the 12th we left the campground and waved bye to our friends. Less than an hour later I got a call that the Dr had an emergency come up and my surgery needed to be moved to the next day! I was overwhelmed and scared and texted my friend and told her my surgery was being moved to the very next day... She never replied! I am so hurt by this and don't understand it. she is alive and well btw posting on fb etc. yet she had not reached out in the least. I gave her a baby shower just last year, our families spend holidays together, camp together etc. I feel betrayed

I think it swings both ways; I have had so called close friends (that I have helped) disappear and on the morning of surgery I had a lovely lady with me who was an acquaintance and who simply decided I should not and would not be alone.

I certainly think it is an opportunity to sort out who is truly your friend. It is certainly eye opening and heartbreaking at times.

I had fights at the pharmacy with trainee chemists, other doctors, even the radiologist saying surely you should try other things...Like for the last 10 years of hell I haven't tried other things...everyone seems to have an opinion of what you should and shouldn't do and I too have had the 'look' because I have no children. Hysterectomy seems to be a vastly misunderstood 'phenomenon' to those not experiencing it.

Some advice whilst misguided comes from love and a sense of helplessness (something I am trying to remind myself). Friends disappearing maybe more through fear than anything else; but in saying that I am coming to accept the fact that some are not and were not ever truly friends.

Stay strong you have your family and you will find good friends and have the support of your 'hyster sisters'.

Sandra,

I'm so sorry for your hurt and must say I had a similar experience. I just don't get it. But thru all this I did find out who was really there for me. I try and focus on those that went above and beyond for me. the hurt is real and I ask God to help me to react positively to it. To be able to re-frame it , in a positive light and not waste alot of energy on it. Reminds me of asking relatives to help w a wedding, when I asked if someone could bring a gallon of tea, homemade or store bought and they told me, " I don't do tea !" How could I have made it any easier for them ? It was a potluck at a limited outdoor spot.

We live in a day and age where even something as simple as a text would have been appreciated and or a jug of tea and people choose not to. Ugh, some things we will never understand, but at least we can sound off here and have the support of others. Hugs to you !!! I have also learned that hospitality and warmth are not 'gifts' some people possess or choose to give. Kinda sad ...

My father always said that you can count your true friends on the fingers of one hand. Everyone else is an acquaintance. A true friend will be there for you any time, night or day!

Yes, I am learning that this experience is more than a healing process for my body, but who is really a friend.. And I guess just sad to say but I am thru with those so called friends. I am having a hard time as a christian not being bitter esp. Towards this one friend. I had another friend come by to visit this weekend and she told me she didn't want to bother me with calls or texts but she has been keeping up with how I am doing thru 2 people (I won't name names lol...). But 1 was the 'friend' who has not checked on me at all... The other was my sister in law. It took every ounce of might for me to not say.... REally? How the hell would so and so know how I am doing? What could she be saying about my recovery? My state of being? She didn't even offer any positive words for me before my surgery? Total fake, my eyes are open. I didn't say a word of gossip, no need but the hurt is there and I need to move past it

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Originally Posted by sandrabees I feel like most people have no clue about the recovery process for hysterectomy. I also feel like my so called friends have deserted me! This has been the hardest thing to deal with as I just don't understand it. One of my 'best friends' who lives in my same neighborhood has not even called, texted, or come by since my surgery. What is most hurtful is we were camping over spring break (our families in Rv.s). My surgery was supposed to be the 19th. on the 12th we left the campground and waved bye to our friends. Less than an hour later I got a call that the Dr had an emergency come up and my surgery needed to be moved to the next day! I was overwhelmed and scared and texted my friend and told her my surgery was being moved to the very next day... She never replied! I am so hurt by this and don't understand it. she is alive and well btw posting on fb etc. yet she had not reached out in the least. I gave her a baby shower just last year, our families spend holidays together, camp together etc. I feel betrayed

Sometimes the people who seem the most "together" are actually the ones who have the most emotional difficulty with the pain and suffering of others. It is a reminder to them that we are mortal, frail, and that surgeries, illness, disease can happen to anyone --- and it gives them great fear that it will happen to them. Connecting to you might be too painful for her, because her fear is getting in the way. That is not an excuse, because we women are stronger than that.
I have a very good friend who has a very serious type of cancer. He and his wife are church pals, and while we are not everyday social/chatty people, when he had surgery, we showed up in the waiting room with food. Hospitals don't bother me, I needed to show up and be there. It was very hard to watch her get the news from the surgeon, but being present with people who are in pain and hurting is a gift we give. I just completed a knitted cap for him out of soft yarn in colors he likes (and another is going on the needles soon), because it is something I can do that will bring him comfort. I'll probably knit him a silly hat, too, with Viking horns or a fake beard, because in the thick of his treatment laughter and warmth will be something he'll need, too. Does this make me a better friend? Who cares. With each stitch, a prayer for healing goes into the thing I make. It gives him happiness, helps him feel that we are holding him, and that's all that matters.
The two people who waited while I was in the OR (my spousal equivalent had to keep our practice open, we need the income, and he had cancelled the patients that same day of the week the week prior because I was in the ER) were not my "closest" friends, but are people who I now know are the ones I can count on.
Just my 2 cents, but this experience is far more than just a surgery ... it is a life learning journey with all of the joys and challenges that any bring with it. Some of the things we learn will disappoint, some will bring us great wisdom.
Sandrabees, I wish you healing and peace, friends who you can count on, and the wisdom that comes from facing this journey. You're awesome and you deserve great health and happiness.

Thank you knittingmaven! what is strange even is that I had a lap right before Christmas for endo excision and this same friend seemed to go above and beyond, even Brought us a meal a few nights after my surgery. Brought a breakfast casserole on xmas eve morning. so nothing adds up.

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Originally Posted by sandrabees Thank you knittingmaven! what is strange even is that I had a lap right before Christmas for endo excision and this same friend seemed to go above and beyond, even Brought us a meal a few nights after my surgery. Brought a breakfast casserole on xmas eve morning. so nothing adds up.

Concentrate on healing so you can be there for those who truly are there for you. I know I can appreciate my daughter and S.O. For actually helping me through this though time.

Maybe I shouldn't say anything, but I do want to chime in with a different type of opinion. Perhaps they have been so indoctrinated with the idea that the things we women go through are "Not that important" and they truly do not have a clue that you need them. If I were you, I would write a note saying how I feel (not accusing, just curious- did you know I had surgery? Did you know how serious it was? Did you understand that a note, a text, a phonecall would have helped me feel cared about? Tell them how you feel, so you can then be done with them if they really don't care. I think part of the problem is that it has to do with our sexual apparatus, and many people are uncomfortable thinking of them, especially in a vulnerable way. But maybe they should understand how you feel, not by feeling it for you, but by being told how hurt you are. Then, if you decide to break with them, you know exactly that you're doing the right thing.

I get what you are saying Floridiansister. The most hurtful friend no doubt knew I was having the hysterectomy. Just spent 4 days camping together with our families... My surgery got moved ahead a week. But yes she also knew the severity of everything. Been in pain and dealing with IC, endo, and then adeno. She knew... Her lack of words speak volumes and I am not wasting my time with a note, call, or otherwise. In a sense my downtime and having much time to reflect on things has certainlyput some things into perspective! Not to be mean but there have been times in the past this same person has come off as rude, or 'just for show'.... Friend when its convenient etc. It is just crystal clear now, no more questioning it