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DH angry about TAH/BSO
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06-26-2003, 10:23 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 36
Hysterectomy: July 1st, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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DH angry about TAH/BSO
I am having TAH/BSO on July 1 and I am in need of emotional support because my DH is angry about me having the surgery. I am 34 and he is 30. I had a tubal when I was 21. We had hoped to try invetro. He has no children. But I can't stand the misery any longer. I have fibroids, endometriosis, cysts on both overies and heavy painful periods--which the GYN put me on bpills to control. I can no longer stand the pills because of migraines and nausea. This has been going on since 1997. I had a laproscopic surgery in Dec. 1999 to remove endmetriosis and my bladder was attached to my uterus which is enlarged and spongy.
Is there any other women dealing with angry, unsupportive partners? He won't even talk with me about the surgery and my mother- in- law is going to be with me on the big day.
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06-27-2003, 12:00 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 477
Hysterectomy: May 7th, 2003
Surgery Type: LAVH
Ovaries: Removed both
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DH angry about TAH/BSO
I am not going through what you're going through. I wish I could empathize more and maybe ease your difficulties. All I can tell you is I went into my marriage knowing that my husband and I would have trouble having children together. After seven years of infertility treatments, we never ended up with one of our own. A large part of our infertility was male-based. We only found out how many problems I had much later, after we stopped trying. In all that time I never blamed my husband or got angry at him. I knew what we were facing when I married him.
You're not doing anything wrong. A hysterectomy is a legitimate surgical procedure that is performed to correct a medical problem. DR's don't intentionally remove a completely healthy uterus. If there were other options, I'm confident you'd be doing them.
I don't know what the future will bring. None of us do. All I know is you deserve to be loved just for who you are - uterus or not.
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06-27-2003, 12:54 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 132
Hysterectomy: July 16th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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Know just how you feel
Hi
I mad a post just 2 days ago......My husband is no support what so ever!!
All i have done is cried my eyes out everyday day this week!!
I am glad your Mother in Law is supportive!!
I just told my husband this past week I want nothing to do with his family!!
I am 28 and can no longer take what they dish out......
I have no one to talk to at all about this......I feel so alone!!
I am so glad I found this site.....I also met a great lady who shares the same family Dr and the same GYO as I do on this site!!
She has been of Great help......
I have even considered backing out of this operation.......
It has been put off for about 10 years now do to my age......
Good luck.....I do know how alone you feel.....
Jaye
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06-27-2003, 05:00 AM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 7,604
Hysterectomy: August 23rd, 2001
Surgery Type: TVH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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DH angry about TAH/BSO
Dear (((Sherry)))
I am so very sorry that you are having to deal with your DH's anger. It must be very hard.
I didn't have that problem, but am wondering if it could be due to fear - men sometimes aren't able to let us know when they are scared, and so they tend to withdraw, because then they don't have to deal with it. He may be frightened.
Have you thought about asking your doctor to talk to him? Or a minister, counselor, or other family member? Can his mom explain things to him?
I'm glad that you found Hyster Sisters, and have posted. Please keep in touch. I wish you the very best for your surgery and recovery.
's
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06-27-2003, 06:47 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 184
Hysterectomy: May 12th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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DH angry about TAH/BSO
Oh my god, i am so sorry for your lack of support from your husband!!!! All sorts of ***** are running through my brain...
But then i think how scarey it must be for him too...but i know that's no excuse!!!! GRRRR....
I too had endo....I had my TAH/BSO six weeks ago. I had endo on my bowel, bladder, ligaments and ovary. I also had major abdominal adhesions, and had to have resectsections done on my bowel. It's now covered in Teflon!!! Non-stick...i feel like Lee Majors in "The six million Dollar Man".
I also had fibroids, cysts, a mass under my uterus, and adenomyosis. So i pretty much had everything going wrong!!
I'm 31...I'm not married, don't have a partner. Just my parents, who have been fantastic. And most of my friends are either pregnant, have kids or are planning one in the next year....I don't have children.
It's hard. It will continue to be hard.
But i feel i'm justified in my decision...it was MY body, I didn't have to live in pain...NEITHER DO YOU!!!! You're entitled to a decent quality of life!!!!!
I hope that your surgery goes well, and that you make a complete and speedy recovery!!!
Best Wishes
Blade
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06-27-2003, 12:26 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 489
Hysterectomy: June 9th, 2003
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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DH angry about TAH/BSO
Hi-
Wow, it sounds like your hubby is going through a rough patch. He may be dealing with his own grief about not having a biological child with you. Infertility issues can really stress out a marriage. Plus he might be scared of you having the surgery and can't really express himself in a way that is supportive.
Have you discussed as a couple wether you want to persue parenthood through adoption? Losing the inability to have a biological child is a grieving process- you will go through the 5 steps of grieving. Sometimes I think women forget that their DH's may grieve too.
Try talking with him about what you want as a couple. I would also recommend the nonprofit group, RESOLVE- they offer support and information for infertility issues. This includes info about different options such as adoption, childfree living.
Best wishes to you. Remember that even if DH isn't there to support you, you have lots of hyster sisters here to offer s and support.
Diana (adoptive mother of one)
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06-27-2003, 01:38 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 110
Hysterectomy: July 2nd, 2003
Surgery Type: LSH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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DH angry about TAH/BSO
You know what? I'm really mad at your husband. And Eeyore, yours too. What does he have to be angry about?
I know the whole song and dance about how men sometimes can't express themselves, how they are grieving too, etc. but it just makes me mad. Christa, you are the one with the symptoms, the pain, the bleeding, the headaches, all of it. You are the one who will be going through the surgery. You are dealing with all of this on top of infertility issues. You have a chance to have a strong, healthy, pain-free life for a change, and all he can think about is himself? All he has to do is suck it up and be supportive and loving, be the strong one for a little while. How hard is that? Grrrr.
Six years of suffering is more than enough. I swear, if men had to go through half the stuff women do....they just couldn't take it.
I'm sorry, I don't have anything very helpful to say about how to make him straighten up, other than having an extremely straightforward talk with him. Sit him down and tell him what you need from him. Communication seems like the best way through so many things. I just wanted to say that I think he's acting immaturely, and you deserve better, and I hope he comes around soon. I'm really glad you have the support of your MIL.
Why yes, I do have a PMS headache at the moment. Why do you ask?
s!
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06-28-2003, 12:20 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 477
Hysterectomy: May 7th, 2003
Surgery Type: LAVH
Ovaries: Removed both
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DH angry about TAH/BSO
Diane, it's interesting that you mention RESOLVE. I'm a big fan and I'm convinced belonging to a RESOLVE support group kept me sane and kept my marriage together. We never did go on to adopt - we decided it wasn't for us - and RESOLVE helped us be comfortable with the decision we made. I'm posting because twice before I've recommended RESOLVE on this board but my posts were deleted. I never knew why. I stopped recommending it because I figured there was some kind of prohibition against it. I'm glad you did.
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06-28-2003, 01:57 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 37
Hysterectomy: June 30th, 2003
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DH angry about TAH/BSO
All of this is soooooooooo much for you to be handling all at once. First the stress of the surgery. Then the stress of your own loss of fertility. Then the stress of your DH's anger over both. I want to encourage you to deal first with the business of the surgery. Take care of yourself and do what you have to do.
Rest assured, that when you feel better there are LOTS of options for you to explore if you want to parent. I know from experience that there are some wonderful things waiting for you.
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