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he is still going to Michigan
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06-16-2005, 11:39 AM
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Guest
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Posts: 30
Hysterectomy: June 9th, 2005
Surgery Type: TVH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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he is still going to Michigan
Hi ladies,
I submitted a post earlier about my fiancee going to michigan to get his kids. Well I thought that he would push it back a few weeks but he wasn't able to and he is leaving tomarrow to go get his boys.
I understand that the summer is the only time he gets to see them but am I being selfish to not want them here right now??
I don't want to seem like the wicked stepmom but they usually stay with his mother because we both work day shift and can't afford a summer sitter. We do a fair job of taking care of ourselves much less to kids all summer. We can't afford the karate lessons, the new clothes and all the video games that they are used to having.
Even though I' m bored senseless two kids are the last thing I want keeping me company all day, right after a hyst.
Am I being selfish or is he just being insensitve?
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06-16-2005, 12:24 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 158
Hysterectomy: June 9th, 2005
Ovaries: Removed both
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he is still going to Michigan
I dont know what to say about your situation I can only compare it to mine. I had a TAH BSO on the 9th also and would be lost without my kids. I've had so many family members and friends offer to take my kids and I just wont have it. I need them here with me.
Do you only see them in the summer? I think you are setting yourself up for it to be bad. Think positive, I bet in the end the visit will do you and the fiance' good.
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06-16-2005, 01:02 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 721
Hysterectomy: July 14th, 2004
Surgery Type: SAH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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he is still going to Michigan
i really don't have enough information to add my 2 cents worth
it just seems like bad timing for them staying right after your hyst.
how are you doing emotionally? how old are these 2 boys?
jane321
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06-16-2005, 01:56 PM
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HysterSister
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Posts: 336
Hysterectomy: April 11th, 2005
Surgery Type: SAH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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he is still going to Michigan
I feel for you. Having the kids that are not your own right after surgery does not sound good.
But I would be very careful not to come between a father and the time he is allotted with his children.
Sometimes even when it's your turn to be the princess you have to make some hard choices.
Kids aren't all selfish need.
Maybe you can get them to help out around the house and learn how to help you during this time. Children can be compassionate and understanding. It is all in how you present it to them.
If you show resentment towards them then I doubt any of you will have a happy summer to remember.
My advice is take the high road, do the best you can to show good will and warm feelings and let Dad be Dad as much as possible. Be loving and selfless from the easy chair.
Sometimes love really does conquer all, I hope this will be true for you.
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06-16-2005, 02:03 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 30
Hysterectomy: June 9th, 2005
Surgery Type: TVH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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he is still going to Michigan
The kids are 10 and 8. I think I'm being a little self centered and maybe I should be a little more open minded about the whole situation. Thanks guys
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06-16-2005, 02:18 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 1,131
Hysterectomy: March 2nd, 2005
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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he is still going to Michigan
This is a hard one...
Being a parent myself and knowing a great deal about child visitation, I will have to agree with Topasj. Let Dad be Dad to his children. I don't think he is being insensitive to you and your needs...besides, this may be a blessing in disguise. How old are the children? If you go into this with a negative attitude, I'm afraid you are going to be miserable. Instead, I would look on the bright side of things. Dad will be happy to see his children, children will be happy to be with Dad, and *you* will have lots of helping hands to wait on the princess during recovery!
You are not being selfish...you are only human. Sometimes we have to give a little in order to receive. You never know, this may turn out to be a blessing for all of you. I sooooo hope that things work out for all of you. Let us know how it's going. I know it's not the best situation right now...but, I think you should make the best of it and keep a positive and loving attitude. Best wishes to all of you!
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06-16-2005, 02:33 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 40
Hysterectomy: May 19th, 2005
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Removed both
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he is still going to Michigan
I have four kids (2 biological and 2 stepkids)....I was dreading coming home from hospital knowing what the demands are of the kids. Their ages range from 7 to 16. However, my DM had other plans, she took them home with her for awhile...I cried for two days non stop because I missed them so much. They help me around the house, take care of things I cant do yet, and they have been a great help.
But, I do understand your circumstances. My step kids spend six weeks of the summer with thier mom. She usually gets them in July. I called her before my hyst. to ask her to switch months with me. She could have them in June while I was recuperating, and I could have them in July, so I could do alot more with them....but NOOOOO she said. She and her bf of about three weeks had already made plans for the kids....(this includes daycare for 9 hrs a day, and the rest of the time spent with her mother. So, I finally realized how step parents and biological parents to be. I dont blame you for being selfish. I wanted my alone time then too, and still do sometimes, but your step kids might surprise you. Let them know what you have been through...show them the incision if you have to, and please dont get all worked up about it...stress isnt good for you right now.
I do hope everything goes alright with you. Just remember this was his decision, so he has every right to take care of them.
Good luck, and remember kids will be kids.
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06-16-2005, 03:20 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 473
Hysterectomy:
Surgery Type: LAVH
Ovaries: Removed both
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he is still going to Michigan
Hi Suzyq26,
With regard to your post:
Ooo, this is a tough one!
I am 2 weeks post-op, and have 3 boys (am divorced/remarried), although only 2 are at home now, and they are a bit older than your fiancee's boys.
(But I can recall what my boys were like at those ages!)
I don't think your fiancee is being insensitive - it's very important in a divorce situation that the kids and the father have good time to visit. And very beneficial for you to have some bonding time as well.
I also do not think you are being selfish. I cherish my "alone" time, especially when I don't feel well, or am recovering from a surgery like this one! And as you may realize from reading these postings, everyone heals differently, has different post-op symptoms or feelings - so I can understand your apprehension at having visitors during this time.
I think you should do some brainstorming with your fiancee, on how to keep the boys busy or entertained - as you may not feel quite up to it. What do you know about these boys? Do they like to read? Watch movies? (We rented a lot of movies before I went in for surgery - to keep myself, and my sons from being bored.)
Check to see if there are activities in the area, that your fiancee or a neighbor can help to transport the boys to/from (library activities?) Maybe you can put together a plan for some very simple meals that the boys can help prepare?
Perhaps some of the other sisters have ideas to keep that age group of boys entertained - while being able to rest up yourself.
It's all about balance..very important for you to heal well, and important for your fiancee and his children to understand and be supportive - while still having a nice summer!
Shoozie
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06-16-2005, 08:00 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 551
Hysterectomy: April 28th, 2005
Surgery Type: TAH
Ovaries: Kept 1 or both
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he is still going to Michigan
When I first started dating my husband he told me right off the bat that his son was his #1 priority. I accepted it and it never became a problem, in fact it was one of the things I loved about him.
I can understand how you feel but I think you need to accept it. I worry that there may be underlying resentment in your case though. If you resent the kids and your fiancee now then you probably always will and it could come between you. His boys are an important part of his life and you need to accept that you need to share him. Set yourself up some alone space in your bedroom or wherever so you can get your rest. The boys are old enough to be somewhat independant and they are also old enough to help you out. Explain to them what is happening with you and make it a team effort. If you all work together you'll probably end up missing them when they go home.
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06-16-2005, 08:14 PM
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Guest
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Posts: 515
Hysterectomy: May 20th, 2005
Surgery Type: LAVH
Ovaries: Removed both
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he is still going to Michigan
I don't think that you are being selfish or insensitive. No one wants lots of company right after surgery when you are trying to heal; you just want to be alone.
Right after I had my hyst, my DH's parents asked to stay with us for a few nights because they were traveling and we were on the way. Plus they wanted to see their granddaughter.
I was totally against the idea of having company because I had just had a hyst two weeks prior. I didn't want to see anyone and just wanted to heal without all of the drama that I was afraid that his family would bring.
But in the end, I was glad that they came to visit because for the most part it was a good visit. And my husband was glad to get to see his parents again since they live so far away and we only get to see them about 4 times a year.
Point is, I know it is hard after a hysterectomy to want to be around family or around anyone else for that matter. But I think that if you let you agree to let the boys come stay with you that you may be pleasantly surprised and enjoy their visit.
Your fiancee will appreciate that you agreed to their visit and will feel more loving towards you and that will help your recovery most of all.
Just my
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