Why do I feel so alone?

Hello sisters
I am 13 days post op and feel horrible. I mean there is obvious physical pain, but the emotional pain is so much worse. I just seems like people really dont care. I found out 16 days ago that I had endo cancer ( early stage) and was going to have a TAH on that monday. No time to prepare, nothing. I had time to tell my friends and loved ones. The surgery went great. The docs say they think they got everything. ( I wont find out specifics till this coming Tues). I had three members of my family visit me in the hosp and lots of coworkers ( I work in the hospital) and since then I am alone. I mean I am married, but my DH is not very sympathetic at all. He says well the doc says he got everything so just get passed it. I reminded him that I still had majory surgery despite the path reports and he says to just get past it. I asked why he just doesnt spend time with me and he says he cant stand it when I moan in pain, or complain about the itching, burning, etc and cant handle it. Yet who else do I have? I asked that he just sit with me, watch tv, go on a walk..NOTHING.
My poor 16 year old son is about the only family member I have that is trying to soothe his mama.
I just dont understand it, and maybe it is because I am the person who is always there for everyone. Even if its just bringing by some magazines or something, I want people to know they are loved and cared for. Yet I dont get that in return. And my husband says " quit feeling sorry for yourself". Do you think it is that? I just think I am telling it like it is.
I am still scared. I am 37 years old and my childbearing is over. I had major surgery and feel like I have been ran over by a train.
I think that is reason to be sad, I just wish I had support through this, and didnt feel alone.
KB

Im sorry you feel so bad. Life will improve, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you have to, call some of your friends and tell them you need some company. I think most people think this surgery is just so routine that it's not that big of a deal... And it's not unless it's YOUR surgery. Hang in there!

It's tough that you didnt have much time to prepare for the surgery, I'm sorry for that. I prepared well but something that I was not ready for was the loneliness after surgery. When your body is so worn out from healing and your hormones are going crazy your emotions tend to get the better of you. You aren't just feeling bad for yourself, it is very normal. You aren't too far away, just a few days, from getting a sudden burst of energy and feeling good so look forward to that. Having a hyst was a great thing for me but none of my friends or family had gone through it so when I went to talk to people about how I feel, they just didn't get it. We are all here for you, a whole community of women who have been right there with you and are here to listen to you and help with what you are going through. You can PM me if you want to talk, I'm still laid up on the couch all day with nothing to do. I'm glued to this laptop. Hope you feel okay in a few days. Don't worry about hubby, its tough for them to see us in pain and having a hard time. We are the strength of the family, all is lost without us!

I'm sure this will sound crazy, but sometimes our dh's don't make a point to be there for us after surery because it's a little alarming and quite scary for them to see us in pain, emotionally and physically, and they feel completely useless because they can't FIX this. So they kind of hide from it all.

What they don't understand is that the "fixing" we need from them is hugs, a little chat time each day, and helping us with the activities we shouldn't be doing. I found that my dh can't even talk about medical issues anymore (I have an awful lot of them) because it scares him to think he might lose me, and he feels he can't "fix" anything. So now I'm really careful to tell him, "Sweetie, I really need your help to FIX something right now. I accidentally dropped socks behind the washer and I really need your help FIXING this." Or, "Honey, I just found out something scary about my health condition and I need you to help me FIX this by just holding me for a little while right now, please. It would really help a lot."

If I emphasize that I NEED his help FIXING something, it makes an amazing difference. I went from him avoiding me completely when I needed him most, to eventually (it's a process!) doing his best about 70% or 80% of the time to help me FIX stuff. It's like knocking on the wall they've put up around themselves and saying "You really can help!" The words "fix" and "fixing" and the idea that they can actually help through their "fixing" is really key, IMHO.

BTW, I've also found that guys tell each other stuff when they want help fixing things. We, on the other hand, talk to connect and comfort each other. BIG gap in communications here! So we're telling them stuff, trying to bond and be comforted and they're like, "Hey, I don't wanna hear this because I can't FIX it!" This is taking lots of practice in our new marriage, but if I tell dh at the very beginning of a conversation, "I really need to tell someone this, but I don't want you to fix it. I just want to get it off my chest. It would really help a lot if you would just listen and give me a hug after. I really don't want you to fix this, but it would be a big, big help if you listened and hugged and left it at that." It works, but is taking some practice!

My dh has said to me over and over again, "We guys don't GET subtleties, so just say exactly what you want from me." He really means it, too. It helps a lot that he told me that.

It is a bit of a jungle - all this communications between the sexes. I'm sorry this was so long, but I saw a lot of my husband and I in your post. I'm hoping that this will maybe help you as much as it has helped dh and me. I hope you feel better soon, and I think it's absolutely sweet that your ds is trying to do his best for you. What a great kid!!!

Julia

You will be fine. I't hard for people to understand what you are going thru. I experienced the same with my only sister, she thinks I'm on vacation, she has not visit me, only calls to ask me what's new. I thank the heavens above for my 19 yr old daughter who has been with me, even stayed in the castle the 2 nights I was there. Focus on getting better and talk to us your hister sisters who care and understand how you are feeling! Nunu

I'm so sorry that your feeling this way. It's difficult for other people to understand what you have gone through, both emotionally and physically. I live by myself and am alone except for my 25 year old son's cat that he left me when he went through college several years ago. I don't know what I would do if I had to take care of dh and family. It seems that it would slow down the healing process both ways. This may not be the same, but when I returned to work last week nobody there understood that I was not 100%. Nobody has asked how I feel emotionally or physically. Customers ask how I'm feeling but not fellow coworkers. And quite honestly the customers are asking out of consideration so you just say okay. My fellow coworkers (5 are family) are just happy that I'm back and they don't have to do my 8-12 hours worth of work anymore. I don't say too much about anything, but right now just feel like crying I'm so tired. It seems like sleep helps. We'll get through this. Please email if you need someone to talk to. It may not be exactly the same scenerio, but I'm here for you. As a matter of fact everyone on this site is here for you.

Mishay28,

I'm sorry to hear of your insensitive hubby. Have you tried telling him how he's hurting your feelings? I'm glad you have a son who brings a smile to your face. A hsyterectomy is a major things and can be very tramatic emotionally even if you have plenty of time to prepare, as I did. You will get better. Hopefully your hubby starts being more supportive. Let us know how you're doing.

Hang on hang on. This is a rough time. You are giving everything you've got right now. Your body and mind are in shock, and that is to be expected. There aren't a lot of resourses left to deal with any extras right now, so just start small...I suggest you start pampering yourself in baby steps. Get one of those teapots that plugs right into the wall so you can have an instant cup of mint tea...Condition your hair with some nice smelling conditioner...get a music tape with calming music (I found a great tape at pottery barn)...You have to take care of you and then everything else will fall into place eventually. This is a long recovery process. It will take many weeks. Don't sweat it right now--it's normal for the husbands to be a little disorientated-they don't know how to relate. Drink your water, cranberry juice, whatever makes you feel good and rest. I got one of those cheap tables that rolls over the bed and put my remote, water bottle, chapstick, guilty pleasure magazines like glamour and people, computer monitor, and cell phone. I hope you feel better soon. It gets better, I promise.