Trouble with Friends and Family

Hi everyone,

I'm struggling a little bit with the 'expectations' of friends and family. I'm 13 days post LAVH and people are asking me why I'm not out and about yet; why I'm going so slow with things, why am I not driving and doing school drop offs etc.
I'm finding it very frustrating and unsupportive. It's like they have no idea what it is to have a hysterectomy and how everyone heals differently.
I'm doing the best I can. Today I made dinner for my family for the first time since my op, I stood for three hours doing this and was so exhausted afterwards I went straight to bed with lots of pain. A friend rung me and seemed surprised and shocked I was lying down resting after doing such a simple task.
I feel I shouldn't have to defend myself, I'm healing and want to heal properly and I want to listen to my body.
I would like to know what you say to people and how to manage people who have "no idea!".
Thanks

Always remember that you are a mature adult, and you're not required to defend anything you do, especially when it comes to your health. If your friends and family ask why you're not doing more than you are, politely tell them that you just had an organ removed, and you're still healing on the inside; also tell them that unless they have a medical degree or first-hand experience, they're in no position to dictate how your recovery should proceed. If you're still taking prescription painkillers, you can add that they impair your ability to drive safely, and could result in a DUI charge. Also mention that if you do too much, too soon, it could lead to complications that could have you out of commission for longer than if you'd taken the time to to recover properly in the first place. If they want to get upset because you're not healing fast enough for them, then that's their issue to deal with, not yours. Just follow your surgeon's insteuctions, and listen to your body, and you'll be okay. Best wishes for your continued recovery!

Hello charile444

It is an interesting challenge that arises from time to time when it comes to recovering from a hysterectomy. I have realized that unless anyone has had the surgery or if it was someone immediately close to them, chances are they do not understand all the things involved with recovery.

Everyone heals different, true though overall perhaps something to say is that you are following the restrictions that your doctor provided for an optimal recovery. Doing anything more or too soon would add risks and only add to your recovery time. Should you want to say anything more is completely up to you.

One day at a time and focus on your healing journey. You’ve got this.

My husband has barely done a thing to help me. My teenage kids are doing everything. Husband was actually honkerblonked last night when I wouldn't jump up and get him a drink while he laid on his *** and watched TV. He acts like sister teresa because he drove the the kids to school 10 times. He also wants me to give him my percocet because they make him "happy". Sucks that I have to hide my meds from my ******* husband. Anytime I say I am in pain he says "youre the one that wanted to do this" as if I chose to be full of tumors. Thank god my best friend is a surgeon and has been making meals for us because she understands the seriousness of this procedure

Unless someone has experienced this or has medical expertise, they have no idea whats involved & their surprise as to why youre not fully healed & back to normal, well it shows their lack of knowledge & ignorance. It would be nice if they offered some caring & compassion!

The big problem is that your surgery was done laproscopic & people tend to associate that as less evasive when actually, you had the same work done as someone w an abdominal hysterectomy. An organ was removed.There is a lot of recovery-rest thats needed. This surgery also has an effect on GI system, hormones & therefore we experience an array of symptoms. Fatigue, aches, pains, bleeding, swelling are all things we experience. Everyone heals at different rate- providing no complications involved.

Dont let anyone bring you down & make you feel youre not doing what you should. (We do enough of that to ourselves!)..You are doing the right thing to listen to your body. Id suggest not doing a long activity. Walk a little what you can, hydrate then rest. Repeat thru the day.

The average recovery time without any complications is 6-8 weeks. Some faster, some slower.. But that timeframe is where you are mobile. It in no way means you are fully recovered. Fully recovered can take even 6 months to a year.

Id suggest you cut corners if you dont have much help. Easy quick meals. Im not much into frozen meals but that's what we had, sandwich, salads (bag salads),soup, crock pot, smoothies, fresh fruit. My 3rd week I prepared a roast (I have a super easy great recipe if u need).

This site has section for Mr Histers & friends & family can see some of the posts that you are not alone.

So they say, slow & easy...

Best wishes!

	Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheyenne72 My husband has barely done a thing to help me. My teenage kids are doing everything. Husband was actually honkerblonked last night when I wouldn't jump up and get him a drink while he laid on his *** and watched TV. He acts like sister teresa because he drove the the kids to school 10 times. He also wants me to give him my percocet because they make him "happy". Sucks that I have to hide my meds from my ******* husband. Anytime I say I am in pain he says "youre the one that wanted to do this" as if I chose to be full of tumors. Thank god my best friend is a surgeon and has been making meals for us because she understands the seriousness of this procedure

Cheyenne, Wow! Im sorry you have to contend with that & not get some compassion & support from someone close to you-your husband..Thank goodness your children are helpful. As a family, you are a team. Sometimes 1 team member may be down or injured & the others, especially a lead team member, needs to step up to the plate, pitch in & be sure things get done until everyone is back in the game. As I'm sure youve done or would do the same...

You need those meds bc Drs are more strict about refilling pain meds & may not give you a refill when you need. If youre husband is feeling the pressure & stressed, he should see his Dr.

There's a Mr Histers section on this site for the husbands..

Thank you all so so much for your words of encouragement and support.

It's a classic case of 'if you haven't walked in somebody's shoes you shouldn't judge' scenario. It's amazing how people think they know but have no clue at all.

Maybe because it's not a visible operation on the outside, it is given less consideration by people.

I love this site, thank you sisters for your support it means a lot
Xx

Charlie444, I myself had no idea how much recovery was involved with this surgery! My doctor said six weeks recovery, but I thought "no way, I'll be back on my feet in two weeks, tops"...NOT!

My suggestion is to tell people something like, "yeah, I hoped I would be able to be doing (xyz) at this stage, but unfortunately the recovery is much more involved than that! My doctor told me not to do (xyz) until at least six weeks".

I had well-meaning friends who tried to take me out to lunch less than two weeks after my surgery. I had to tell them no, at that stage I hadn't even been out of my house yet and the thought of getting dressed and sitting in a restaurant was way too much! They were surprised but when I explained that the recovery was much more involved than I had thought it would be, they understood.

Good luck to you, and try not to worry about what other people think!

	Quote:
Originally Posted by charlie444 Hi everyone, I'm struggling a little bit with the 'expectations' of friends and family. I'm 13 days post LAVH and people are asking me why I'm not out and about yet; why I'm going so slow with things, why am I not driving and doing school drop offs etc. I'm finding it very frustrating and unsupportive. It's like they have no idea what it is to have a hysterectomy and how everyone heals differently. I'm doing the best I can. Today I made dinner for my family for the first time since my op, I stood for three hours doing this and was so exhausted afterwards I went straight to bed with lots of pain. A friend rung me and seemed surprised and shocked I was lying down resting after doing such a simple task. I feel I shouldn't have to defend myself, I'm healing and want to heal properly and I want to listen to my body. I would like to know what you say to people and how to manage people who have "no idea!". Thanks

Hi Charlie
My husband was a nightmare when I came out of hospital. After a day of putting up with his attitude I told him I'd been through a major physical and emotional trauma and if he couldn't be supportive at such a time I saw no point in us being together. I packed a bag and was going to go stay at a local hotel where it would be easier to manage my recovery. Happily this brought about an immediate change in attitude. A little extreme perhaps, but I recommend putting your foot down and not doing physical things until you feel ready, do them only for yourself if no one is looking after you. As to the people outside your immediate family it is probably best to accept that they don't understand and not allow yourself to be bothered by what they say, just for a few weeks. You have to take care of you at this time