surprised how some friends have "checked out" during my recovery

I AM and ALWAYS will be a strong woman! And just because i dont "have plumbing anymore" doesnt mean the house was torn down!
I have disregarded those "so called friends" like yesterdays rubbish. Their true colors came thru and to me how they acted and behaved, was NOT the actions of someone i want to call FRIEND.
I have never been told because i had a hysterectomy i am less of a woman...and i better never either! Because whoever would say that to me, is less of a person in my eyes!
I will not allow anyone, no matter who, make me feel less a woman or a person, because of my height, weight, skin color, hair color, or whether i have "bits" or not. If that is all i am to anyone, their loss, not mine.
Not angry, just making my point.

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Originally Posted by clydette2 I AM and ALWAYS will be a strong woman! And just because i dont "have plumbing anymore" doesnt mean the house was torn down! I have disregarded those "so called friends" like yesterdays rubbish. Their true colors came thru and to me how they acted and behaved, was NOT the actions of someone i want to call FRIEND. I have never been told because i had a hysterectomy i am less of a woman...and i better never either! Because whoever would say that to me, is less of a person in my eyes! I will not allow anyone, no matter who, make me feel less a woman or a person, because of my height, weight, skin color, hair color, or whether i have "bits" or not. If that is all i am to anyone, their loss, not mine. Not angry, just making my point.

You go girl!!

This thread really started me thinking and, as most of us have agreed, we will never forget what we have gone through and will have increased compassion for anyone going through this sort of surgery or any major surgery or health concerns again.

I am going to tell a sad story: a couple of weeks ago I wrote about how wonderful it was to have some visitors and how I felt so much better after they brought over some beer and pizza for an Oscar party (that I could not quite last through the awards for but which was great anyway).

A few days later I called one of those friends (I e-mailed the others, but I knew that her computer was down) to thank her for her thoughtfulness. She answered that she was in Connecticut, attending her father's funeral. I thanked her and offered my condolences and invited her over for dinner again soon, at which time I would prepare the meal. I figured that she would stay with her family for a while (she did not work, and it was a long trip) so it was not till a few days later when I made a shopping trip that I got a sympathy card and mailed it, remembering what a beautiful get-well note I had gotten from her.

Close to midnight that very night, when I was asleep, I got a phone call from my friend Dan, who was working out of town and who lived in the apartment above my friend in the same house. I asked him why his voice was so frayed, and he told me "Jacqui died..." Apparently she had returned to her home and that evening her roommate had come home from work and found our friend lying dead in her bed. I could not drive that distance feeling the way I did in the middle of the night, but did call the roommate and talked till Dan could get ahold of some other nearby friends who could come and help out.

My friend of over 20 years was only 45, and I can still see her sitting on my couch next to me. We still don't know the cause of death, but we suspect that it has something to do with injuries sustained when she was hit by a tractor-trailer while she was driving home from school. She survived and was able to walk, but lived with pain and frequent severe migraines and had to give up her teaching career and go on disability. Nonetheless she was still beautiful and vivacious and had a full life and was loved by her many friends.

I am going through survivor's guilt myself now, and my heart goes out to Jacqui's mom who lost her husband and daughter separately within a matter of days. Jacqui was cremated on Monday morning, and there is going to be a celebration of her life and a memorial service at her home this weekend.

This once more just shows how fragile life is, and how we must treasure our loved ones while we are together. As the Native American proverb goes, "The space between this world and the next is only as wide as the depth of a maple leaf..."

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Originally Posted by Wild Goose This thread really started me thinking and, as most of us have agreed, we will never forget what we have gone through and will have increased compassion for anyone going through this sort of surgery or any major surgery or health concerns again. I am going to tell a sad story: a couple of weeks ago I wrote about how wonderful it was to have some visitors and how I felt so much better after they brought over some beer and pizza for an Oscar party (that I could not quite last through the awards for but which was great anyway). A few days later I called one of those friends (I e-mailed the others, but I knew that her computer was down) to thank her for her thoughtfulness. She answered that she was in Connecticut, attending her father's funeral. I thanked her and offered my condolences and invited her over for dinner again soon, at which time I would prepare the meal. I figured that she would stay with her family for a while (she did not work, and it was a long trip) so it was not till a few days later when I made a shopping trip that I got a sympathy card and mailed it, remembering what a beautiful get-well note I had gotten from her. Close to midnight that very night, when I was asleep, I got a phone call from my friend Dan, who was working out of town and who lived in the apartment above my friend in the same house. I asked him why his voice was so frayed, and he told me "Jacqui died..." Apparently she had returned to her home and that evening her roommate had come home from work and found our friend lying dead in her bed. I could not drive that distance feeling the way I did in the middle of the night, but did call the roommate and talked till Dan could get ahold of some other nearby friends who could come and help out. My friend of over 20 years was only 45, and I can still see her sitting on my couch next to me. We still don't know the cause of death, but we suspect that it has something to do with injuries sustained when she was hit by a tractor-trailer while she was driving home from school. She survived and was able to walk, but lived with pain and frequent severe migraines and had to give up her teaching career and go on disability. Nonetheless she was still beautiful and vivacious and had a full life and was loved by her many friends. I am going through survivor's guilt myself now, and my heart goes out to Jacqui's mom who lost her husband and daughter separately within a matter of days. Jacqui was cremated on Monday morning, and there is going to be a celebration of her life and a memorial service at her home this weekend. This once more just shows how fragile life is, and how we must treasure our loved ones while we are together. As the Native American proverb goes, "The space between this world and the next is only as wide as the depth of a maple leaf..."

Oh, I am SO sorry for your loss!! There are no other words.... I pray for your comfort and for you to find peace.

I am so sorry. I remember your previous post and I am very sorry for the loss of your friend.

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Originally Posted by Farmwife85 I am hoping not to sound needy...I am very independent and prior to surgery work full-time and am on the go constantly. But unfortunately, as much as I have appreciated the help of family and friends, phone calls, cards and prayers. I must admit, have been very hurt by some that I thought were my closest friends, I have heard the least from. One friend who I do ALOT with did not even call me before the surgery, nor did she call until 4 days after and has been to my house once in 3 weeks....ouch!I tis as if I can not go do anything..I am out of sight and mind....another person I have yet to hear from> Now, not looking for a pity party...just wondered if you have had your eyes openend on who is there for everything and who is there when it will benefit them also. It has been a real eye opening experience. Let me end by saying I WAS BROUGHT TONS OF FOOD, by other friends and family. Cards and floweres and a few gifts...what I am missing is the one or two people I thought would be here , just drop by and hang out...have not. Or , maybe it is the hormones

I am so glad I am not the only one going through this! Thanks for posting!

For me it is not just friends, it's Family also...My own mother keeps needing to justify my surgery to me!...SAY WHAT?? I don't need to be told this, I am very confident I made the right choice, very happy...yet she keeps trying to point out the positive...I am not in the negative...don't get it?? Also keeps providing weight loss suggestions...UM I JUST HAD A HYSTERECTOMY, OVARY REPAIR AND SEPARATION FROM MY BOWEL, AND BLADDER REPAIR AND SUPPORT... I am not worried about my weight right now, thanks!

My own sister wouldn't even RSVP to my Farewell uterus party, never did show up, never did call before my surgery, the only call I had from her was the day after my surgery dictating to me that I don't drop my kids off for her to see them enough....I AM DOING GREAT, THANKS FOR ASKING!

My only surviving Grandma that is full aware of my surgery has never once called me to ask about how I am doing before or after.

I friend I thought was one of my closest, living in the same city, has hardly spoke to me since I told her what was going to happen, didn't come to my party, didn't wish me well, and only contact I have had from her was a lame joke about my surgery on facebook after the fact.

The upside! I have friends I only know via social media, emailing me everyday, checking in, offering to mail cookies and granola from the USA, (I am in CAN.), and from the other side of CAN. My kitchen if full of flowers from friends I least expected it from! My MIL made me a very traditional Italian get well soup and sent it to the hospital for me. My almost 4 month old nephew sent me the most amazing flower arrangement.

So yes we are all finding out whom really matters, cares, and I guess that is where we should place our focus, and now know who we owe the most amazing return of favor to some day!

thanks for letting me vent! it felt good!

I know what you mean about friends AND family. One of my brothers was great. As soon as he heard the cancer diagnosis he was offering rides to my appointments and drove me where I needed to go. My other brother never, and I mean never, said anything to me before surgery and has ignored me after as has his wife. My sister came to see me at the hospital and I am about 7 weeks post-op and have not heard from her again. My other sister is across the country and has done what she can. I live in my parent's basement and my mom has been a saint. She is fantastic, wonderful, amazing. My dad, well, I might as well not be there. He would not even carry a laundry basket upstairs so I would carry a few items at a time. If my mom asked him to do something like pick something up at the store, he raised a stink. I should not be surprised because that is how he is normally but I had hope he would be different.

I was amazed my some of my friends -- blew me away! And the people at work sent cards every week, flowers, a book. Then there were many, but not all, of my long-term friends. Can we say ignore? That is what surprised me the most. Yeah, and hurt the most.

While I was recovering I watched some Oprah which I never have the chance to do and she was talking about forgiveness. She was saying that forgiveness means giving up the hope that the past could have been different.

I can't change what happened but I can change who I am and how I live my future and while I cannot change the past, it will change who I am and how I interactive. I also realize I will make myself crazy trying to understand their behaviour so I won't. As Dandylicious says I know who matters and cares and I won't forget them.

I also have to mention that the support I have had at HysterSisters has got me through a lot over these past weeks. THANK YOU all so much.

While I was recovering I watched some Oprah which I never have the chance to do and she was talking about forgiveness. She was saying that forgiveness means giving up the hope that the past could have been different.

I can't change what happened but I can change who I am and how I live my future and while I cannot change the past, it will change who I am and how I interactive. I also realize I will make myself crazy trying to understand their behaviour so I won't. As Dandylicious says I know who matters and cares and I won't forget them.

I also have to mention that the support I have had at HysterSisters has got me through a lot over these past weeks. THANK YOU all so much.[/quote]

I watched that very same Oprah while I was recovering! That very same quote struck a chord in my own mind, for previous hurts as well. Because I was always at work I never watched Oprah before and now I see why she had such a dedicated following.

And to those of you who sent your condolences on the loss of my friend Jacqui, I appreciate it very, very much. Today is two months since my surgery and I am glad to be up and about with only occasional aches and twinges. Yesterday was a warm day here in Western New York, and I went out for my first real shopping trip.

My friend Jacqui loved anything that sparkled, and all shades of purple, especially lavender. She even painted her walls that color and blew pale, iridescent sparkles on the paint so that they would shine in the sunlight or by candlelight. There is going to be a memorial service/life celebration at her house on Saturday night. Her 46th birthday would have been in April, so I decided to make some lemon-lavendar cupcakes for the event. I actually found cupcake liners in the shape of purple flowers at JoAnn's, and elsewhere I found toothpicks with tiny purple butterflies that can be stuck into the frosting, which I will cover with edible purple glitter.

For myself, I bought an iridescent purple suncatcher that I will hang on a branch in my backyard to remind me of the lessons Jacquie taught me--and all my HysterSisters as well, who are a true sisterhood indeed.

Her spirit...soul and love will stay with you for a lifetime! I miss my dearest friend every day...but when i see a cardinal in my tree outside my kitchen window or hear the song by Kenny Chesney "Who would you be Now"...i think of her.
You have beautiful memories...treasure them.
And continued good health in your recovery!

I am having a hard time with this as well, I have had no one to stop by and chat, I am in the military so the so called friends I thought I had, texted me 2 days after surgery but that is it. My mom who lives 10 hours away every time I talk to her compares everything to her hysterectomy 20 years ago and I couldn't possibly be going thru what she went thru or she just interrupts me and complains about whatever is wrong with her. My husband who is by far my best friend has been wonderful with taking care of me. He had to go back to work so I have been home by myself all week and to say the least very lonely. It makes me really sad when people u thought were friends are obviously not