Little concerned about care postop

OK, I've held this in long enough. Gotta get it off my chest. I'm a little concerned about what kind of care I will recieve once I get home from the castle. My husband will be with me the day of my surgery, but he just started a new job a week ago and cannot take anytime off to care for me. He would if he could. He's great. We have 3 children, 9,4 and 3. The 9 yr and 4 yr old are in school. My mom watches my 3 year old, my sister's baby and 2 more other children during the day while my other two are in school. I want my mom to come and take care of me (She does a really good job at that), but don't think that I can handle a bunch of little ones running around screaming while I'm try to recoop.

Ok, now, my dh's mother and little brother are staying with us right now. But, my mil has been having problems of her own with menopause and depression. I'm really concerned to have her there to be my primary caregiver during the day, because I don't really think she will care for me that well. Besides, I've already mentioned to her that I'm glad she's there so she can help me after surgery. She made the comment that she hopes she's found her a place of her own by then, because she didn't feel like it was her responsibility to take care of me. She thinks it's my husband's responsibility. (which is true), but..... He can't take off work to be with me. Believe me, I would rather have him there because he likes to pamper me when I'm sick and down like that. I guess she thinks that if she's there, my husband will make her do all the work while he does nothing, which I don't think will be the case. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing my mil. I love her to death, but she's got problems of her own and I don't think she's stable enough in herself to take care of me. She's never had a major surgery like this and doesn't realize that I'm gonna be completely out of commission and will require alot of attention and care. This really concerns me. There is no one else who can do this. I've tried to talk to my husband about this, but he keeps saying "Mom will be here". He doesn't understand either. Am I worrying and fretting over nothing? I'm also afraid that I will have to spend most of my time in my bed instead of my couch, because there is seven people living in my house right now and in the evenings, everyone sits around on my couch and loveseat watching movies or tv. This leaves no room for me. My couch would be soooo much easier to get in and out of than my bed because my bed is quite a bit higher than my couch. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I guess I'm feeling a little big invaded already. I don't mean to. But I can't help it. :hair:

Thanks for listening everybody. If anyone has any suggestions, I would appreciate your comments. It's great that I have a place to come and vent my frustrations.

Hi Mandip,
yours sounds like a very frustrating situation, and I can really appreciate your concerns.
I live far away from my family, and my husband could only take a bit of time off to be with me --- but at least there was just "me" to take care of, not 3 kids as well.....


One thing I would suggest is that you have your husband read the FAQs for friends and family. I had my hubby read them and he really got the picture on what I would and would not be able to do.

https://www.hystersisters.com/vb2/hsa...hp?s=&id=99323

once he has a clearer idea of what to expect, maybe he'll realize why are you are so concerned.

Are there any church groups or volunteer associations in your area who could send someone in to help you for a bit??

best wishes,
Cheryl

It is scary to know that you will need help and aren't sure if anyone will be willing or able to provide that.

I know that I am very concerned my husband just "doesn't get it". When I had minor surgery two weeks ago and he drove me home, he stopped at the grocery store and left me in the car for 45 minutes! I had my pain meds but no way to take them. I was ready to walk into the store, but was bleeding and in pain and still groggy from general anesthesia wearing off.

I sometimes wonder if it's because they can't "see" your wounds that they don't understand the severity of them.

Maybe if you had a friend(s) who could stop by to check on you repeatedly during the day. I know from personal experience that sometimes your own family just doesn't understand. The last thing you need is to be asking for a spot on the couch when all you want to is lay down and rest. Sometimes it registers a little better if you have outside friends coming in ... it may dawn on the family that you truly need the recovery time.

Cas, Thank you so much for the link to the FAQ's. This is awesome! I will be sure to give this to my husband. Maybe this will help to relieve his stress, my children's stress and MY stress! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!

Cas and Janet, I think I will probably ask some of the ladies at church who don't work if they would mind coming over and helping me out. I'm one of those people who hate asking outsiders for help. Is that prideful? But I think in this case I will have to swollow my pride and just ask. The ladies in our church are usually really good at alternating making dinner for the other ladies in the church who are in this situation. I'm sure they will think of me as well. If they ask if there's anything else they can do, I may just have to say".....since you asked, yes....."

Thanks ladies for the advice and the great link to the FAQ's. You are so awesome!

I definitely think you should ask whoever you can for help! Your turn to give help to others will come, but it is time to let your friends and church family help you!

I was counting on my mom to help me during my recovery, but then she fell the day I was coming home from the hospital and broke her finger and hit her head, and then got pnemonia! Instead of her helping me, I had to help her! It was very hard, and I had to ask for help getting her rides to and from the doctor. The best help was the first day home, when a friend showed up for lunch with soup and sandwiches. I don't think we would have eaten if she hadn't come by! One week into my recovery my mom took too much sleeping medicine and got really loopy, and I had to stay up all night with her.

Other suggestions are to stock up on takeout menus from restaurants that deliver, and to make it clear that the couch belongs to you and only you for the first few weeks. Everyone else can sit on the floor! I piled mine with pillows and put a sheet across it so everyone knew it was MINE!

Best of luck to you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Kathy